Tiny Buddha

Tag: perfect

  • Loving Your Whole Body, Even the Jiggly Parts

    Loving Your Whole Body, Even the Jiggly Parts

    “When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” ~Miguel Ruiz

    When I was in fifth grade, the boy who shared the desk next to me said that I had a “roller coaster nose.”

    At that age when things were starting to sprout from places I didn’t know things could sprout, and everyone’s watching each other develop under the microscope of pre-pubescent angst, that little comment sent me into a 10-year-old tailspin.

    I would spend hours examining my nose from every angle in the mirror, only to affirm that indeed I’d been cursed with a roller coaster schnoz. I even stole clothespins from my mom’s sewing kit and would use them to pinch the lower spot of my nose in an attempt to get it even with the higher part.

    So how did I get over this ridiculousness and get onto loving all my parts? As a budding singer, I latched onto Barbra Streisand who refused to have rhinoplasty because it would ruin the sound of her voice.

    Years later, I would find inspiration in the ample-billed Jessica Simpson who once claimed her favorite body part was her crooked nose because it made her stand out from all the other blondes in showbiz. Cheesy, yes, but that is what got me on my road to healing that fifth grade wound.

    Over the years I’ve had to process the hating of many body parts—nose, thighs, butt, teeth, even my dang pinkie toe. Someone once dubbed it “The Beast.” Here are some of the steps that got me to love all the bumps, wrinkles, juicy and jiggly parts:

    1. Make a list of all the wonderful things each body part allows you do.

    My thighs have climbed the Great Wall and danced across stages all over the world. My nose has given me the most wonderful olfactory memories, like my grandmother’s cooking and the hardwood floors of my first grade classroom. My mouth has kissed, sang, grinned, and puckered. What wonderful things have your many parts done? (more…)

  • Stop Overextending Yourself to Please Others: 6 Simple Tips

    Stop Overextending Yourself to Please Others: 6 Simple Tips

    “Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown

    In a span of one month, my beloved little red Toyota catches on fire, burning to a molten blob; I land in the emergency room with a ruptured disc after lifting a child out of her wheelchair; and I try a do-it-yourself hair highlighting kit, which leaves me looking, well, think Phyllis Diller.

    I feel confused. I have tried so hard to do all the right things. How could my life have gotten so off track?

    I am in the grip of a disorder some people might call manic compression—trying to do everything perfectly in an attempt to please everyone around me. Some of my friends seem to be enjoying life, but I’m definitely not.

    I flounder, looking for answers to this dilemma, without the vaguest inkling that I have created the situation. I call friends and bore them with my woeful tales of angst and doubt. I wake up every morning at 3:00 to wrestle with my pillow for an hour and then, as a last resort, drag my journal off the nightstand and into my lap.

    Most of what I write in that diary is page after page of questions with the same themes: Why are these bad things happening? How can I stop feeling so befuddled? Will I ever sleep again?

    You know how sometimes life sends little presents just when we need them. I was having lunch with a friend who was excited about sharing a story she had just read. She reached into her purse and pulled out a copy of Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters by Portia Nelson:

    I

    I walk down the street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I fall in.
    I am lost. I am helpless.
    It isn’t my fault.
    It takes me forever to find a way out. (more…)

  • How to Adopt a Growth Mindset and Stop Fearing Criticism and Failure

    How to Adopt a Growth Mindset and Stop Fearing Criticism and Failure

    “There are no failures. Just experiences and your reactions to them.” ~Tom Krause

    Ever found yourself working for a bad boss? I was shocked to learn recently that three out of every four people report that their boss is the most stressful part of their job and that it takes most of us up to twenty-two months to free ourselves of them.

    I thought it was just me!

    A few years ago I joined a large accounting firm to help them manage their employees. Though they were nice enough people outside of work, at the office, their professional pride in finding errors and vigorously pointing them out made them the worst bosses I have ever worked for!

    Every day was a battle of constant criticism and negativity. No matter what we achieved, the focus was always on what we needed to do better.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for feedback and improving what I do at work. I also need to, at least occasionally, feel my efforts are appreciated in order to maintain my sense of enthusiasm and confidence.

    After all, we all have a deep psychological need to be respected, valued, and appreciated.

    As month after month of this behavior dragged on, for the first time ever I found myself really struggling to get out of bed and go to work. Their negativity seemed to be eating me up.

    Unwilling to just quit my job, I started researching ways to deal with my whining, moaning, negative bosses to see if I could restore some joy to my job. Luckily, I quickly discovered the field of positive psychology—the science of bringing out the best in people—and the phenomenon of “growth mindsets.”

    Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck has found that changing the way we perceive ourselves can dramatically improve our feelings and results.

    In particular, two beliefs can make a difference: Can we improve our abilities, or is this as good as we get?

    Reading this now, it probably seems like a no-brainer to you. Surely we’re all capable of change! The reality is, though, many of us secretly walk around with a “fixed mindset,” believing that our natural abilities are all we have and it won’t get much better than this. (more…)

  • Overcoming Perfectionism in a Culture That Promotes It

    Overcoming Perfectionism in a Culture That Promotes It

    Concept: Abandoned Person. Close up of an old doll`s face with tear. Spesial grunge-fashioned image with grain

    “Good enough is the new perfect.” ~Becky Beauprie Gillespie

    I stand accused of being a perfectionist.

    My plea? Not guilty, of course! “I’m not perfect enough to be a perfectionist!” I counter.

    But the evidence is stacked against me. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Exhibit A:

    My first year at University, our mid-term examination in literature. There was major building work going on outside, and concentration was nigh on impossible. As a result, our tutor added 10% on to everyone’s scores to make up for the disruption.

    What did I get? 110%.

    And what was my first thought: “Hmm, I could’ve done better. And any way, it was so easy.”

    But, out of the 140 other kids in the class, how many others got 110%?

    You guessed it, it was just me.

    This is it, you see, the madness of perfection: it isn’t even satisfied with perfection.

    Another example: A couple of years later, I planned, cooked for, and led the wedding ceremony for my own wedding. The day went smoothly. Many people said it was the most special, and personal wedding they had ever attended.

    But I felt disappointed, in floods of tears at the minor imperfections which no one but me had noticed. And despite having lost thirty pounds and being on the verge of being underweight, I still felt fat.

    What is tragic is that I know I am not alone in this.

    I had been hypnotized by the madness of the perfection-focused culture we inhabit, where even the most beautiful of bodies are airbrushed, and talented voices are digitally enhanced to reach ever new heights of perfection.  (more…)

  • A Beautiful Thing Is Never Perfect

    A Beautiful Thing Is Never Perfect

    “A beautiful thing is never perfect.” ~Proverb

    There are so many reasons to think that we, as humanity, have far to go to reach a certain stage of happiness. Yet with every step we take toward a “golden future,” we seem to take two steps backward.

    Our demand for technological advancement causes great stress upon the Earth: Medical achievements aim to eliminate ailments, but serve as crutches for our poor health choices; and we push ourselves to reach great heights of “success,” which then fuels our self-rejection because we think we aren’t good enough.

    In this sense, our progress tricks us into always wanting something else to cure our unhappiness. I know this because I feel it and live it every day, as many of us do.

    I, too, am guilty of wanting a picture-perfect prosperous future—two dogs, a classy and purposefully minimalist apartment in the perfect area of a snazzy city, and a really awesome electric car.

    In fact, I have become so entrenched with figuring out how to become rich using my creative skills that I’ve begun to forget the very goal that fueled my original desire for success.

    I wanted to get rich and help others live—at the very least—comfortably and happily.

    I’ve forgotten my dream, the original dream, in response to my desire for “the good life.”

    I’ve forgotten that my life is already beautiful and amazing as it is. My desire for things that I thought would make me feel happier actually made me lose sight of the one thing that really would help me feel happy and fulfilled.

    In the same way, humanity thinks it needs to constantly evolve so that maybe someday, old age and sickness will be eradicated from existence. However, our folly isn’t the goal of a life without suffering; it’s our assumption that life can exist without suffering.

    In other words, we can never not suffer. (more…)

  • I Don’t Have to Be Perfect: It’s the Leap That Counts

    I Don’t Have to Be Perfect: It’s the Leap That Counts

    “A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.” ~Proverb

    I’m a “recovering perfectionist.”

    I make perfect plans. At times, when I’m really working on my plans, I forget to live my actual life. Because I’m planning. Perfectly.

    I had my first strategic plan when I was ten.

    “Be a really, really good girl. Then, when you are sixteen, borrow the car and say that you are going to Drug Fair to buy hairspray. Instead, drive the fifteen minutes to your daddy’s house so that he’ll want you back.”

    A year later I had to revise my first strategic plan. My alcoholic father died.

    Here was the second plan:

    “Now you’re all alone.” (Which wasn’t true, by the way. It just felt that way. Anyway, back to the plan.) “Now you’re all alone. Be perfect.”

    In the first plan, I just had to be “good” to be rescued. In the second one, there was no rescue.

    I needed to be perfect.

    (Perfectionism Myth #1 Perfection will keep you safe.)

    That plan ‘worked’ for a while. I had started playing the flute the year my father died. My great grandmother told me not to cry and upset my mother. That was okay. Perfect people don’t cry.

    (Perfectionism Myth #2:  Perfection is a way to manage hard feelings.)

    Perfect people practice. (more…)

  • 4 Lessons about Perfection Born from 1000 Failures

    4 Lessons about Perfection Born from 1000 Failures

    “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” ~Voltaire

    This was just not working out. I had ended up in a failed attempt every single time. This was my 4th day of trying to fix everything.

    I had wanted to make a video for my blog—just a minute-long introduction. Not that I didn’t have one already.

    I had a video up and running. But that was from my first attempt, and everyone knows there is always room for improvement.

    After the video went up, I started to see how I could do better than that. I was not going to be satisfied with something just good enough.

    I wanted to emphasize the right words. I wanted the right amount of pause where it mattered. And just enough rise in the tempo of my voice where needed.

    The lighting had to be perfect. An overcast day would not help. I wanted to dress right, I wanted to look right.

    I wanted to sound enthusiastic, not pushy. I wanted to put my best out there.

    My husband offered help with setting up my precarious camera set up. But I politely refused. I wanted to do it all by myself.

    I didn’t need to lean on anyone to get the million settings just right. I was being self-reliant, or so I told myself.

    My camera stood on a tripod pulled to the maximum. My lap-top was perched on top of a step stool which stood on a cane foot rest, which in turn was balanced on a dining chair. This was needed in order to bring the tele-prompter software running in my lap-top level with my line of sight.

    Then there was the little matter of keeping my bouncy toddler from demolishing my rickety set up with a single sleight of his hand.

    If persistence was something that could be learned, I had got it down pat. (more…)

  • Controlling Your Inner Control Freak: The Art of Inefficiency

    Controlling Your Inner Control Freak: The Art of Inefficiency

    “Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” ~Unknown

    I’ve always been a control freak. But I’ve learned to control it!

    I was born with the ability to quickly envision the most efficient way through a task, activity, project, problem, puzzle, or challenge. This has made me useful to many people, especially in my workplaces.

    But it can make people crazy, too. Especially when I’ve expected others to buy into the approach I knew would work best, fastest, most efficiently.

    My partner sometimes reminds me, “It doesn’t always have to be about being efficient!”

    I was never good at delegating. I’d rather get the job done right. If I delegate a task to somebody else, it won’t be done the “best” way, will it! I’ll probably end up re-doing it anyway, right?

    I have always strived for perfection. “Anything worth doing is worth doing right.” That phrase was nurtured into me as a child. It’s a good philosophy, but sometimes I’ve taken it too far.

    Yes, it has affected relationships. Debating about my partner’s housekeeping style. Often being bossy. Being controlling. Wanting things my own way. Commenting about how others were doing things. “Hey, I know a way that would work better…” Sigh.

    I always thought I was being helpful!

    It turns out I really wasn’t, not always, not for some people. I finally began to understand that some people found my controlling persona annoying. (more…)

  • We Are All Imperfect: How to Own it & Keep Growing

    We Are All Imperfect: How to Own it & Keep Growing

    Imperfection

    “Be what you are. This is the first step toward becoming better than you are.” ~Julius Charles Hare

    A few weeks ago, I made a mistake.

    I wrote a newsletter about my relationship with money, explaining that I used to get worried about money, but I feel differently now. I wrote that I’d realized that doing what I love is the most important thing.

    As long as I am doing what I loved, I don’t have to feel anxious. I trust that the money will appear, without me having to chase it.

    After I sent the newsletter out to the 500 people on my subscription list, I had a funny feeling in my stomach.

    The next day, I asked a friend what she’d thought about what I’d written.

    She said, “It sounds like you’re still worried about money.”

    She was right. That explained the funny feeling in my stomach.

    The things I said weren’t quite true. I wanted them to be true because I wanted to be the kind of person who doesn’t worry about material things.

    It was true that I’ve made some progress in my relationship with money. But I’m certainly not as serene and trusting as I portrayed myself in my newsletter. I still have mornings when I feel panicky about finances. (more…)

  • Overcoming Perfectionism: The Joy of Just Okay

    Overcoming Perfectionism: The Joy of Just Okay

    “The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Yesterday I was talking to my dear friend Erin about all the pressures to be perfect—to be more than just enough. To always be striving to be 100%.

    I realized later that this has been going on all my life. Haven’t we all felt it?

    In grade school, the importance of getting those A’s, being on the teacher’s list, always getting the gold star.

    In high school, being popular, being smart, being a jock—whichever lane we chose to fit into to, there was always the hierarchy of being the best.

    Later came the career ladder—always needing to excel.  Not to even mention the pressures to be a perfect parent and the ongoing need to be the perfect child.

    Okay, my neck is stiff just writing this.

    I am a child of the fifties. I remember people having hobbies, just doing things they enjoyed with no value system attached. Whether it was painting a picture, crocheting a potholder, or making furniture in the garage, the point was the joy.

    I don’t remember a lot of apologies about how something wasn’t up to some predefined set of standards. The end product might wind up on a wall or in the entryway, but it might stay in the garage.

    The point was the experience, not the outcome. A lot of weird crafts on the wall were just accepted. (more…)