Tiny Buddha

Tag: perfect

  • Releasing Comparisons: No One Is Perfect and We All Deserve Love

    Releasing Comparisons: No One Is Perfect and We All Deserve Love

    Woman Hugging Herself

    “Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt

    I spent my teenage years and early twenties believing that my weight was my worth; that I had to look and be a particular way to be accepted or loved.

    I lived in a negative cycle of comparing myself to everyone. I remember sitting in on one of my lectures in university, trying to work out if my lecturer was fatter or thinner than me.

    I look back now and wonder how many times I missed the fun and parties I was too scared to go to because I felt too fat or uncool or whatever negative feeling I was dwelling on at the time.

    When I was twenty-seven, my boyfriend of three years dumped me, on the day I found out I was pregnant. Worse still, or so it felt at the time, just a few months later he had a new girlfriend, a beautiful girl, who was also a single mother.

    I think the day I saw them together was the day I hit rock bottom. I cried so much and lost fourteen pounds in five days. I felt absolutely shattered and utterly worthless.

    Why wasn’t I good enough?

    How could he not want his own baby yet love another man’s child?

    Was I too ugly?

    Was I too fat?

    Why wasn’t I lovable?

    Destructive thoughts whizzed around my head in a very unhealthy manor.

    I lost my baby, which also made me feel worthless.

    His new girlfriend had everything I thought I wanted. She had the perfect body, she was absolutely gorgeous, she also had a baby, and the man I loved, loved her.

    I had to learn to love myself. It wasn’t easy to start, but the first step was to stop comparing myself unfavorably to everyone, especially her.

    It was destroying me.

    With everything that happens to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat it as a gift.

    I wallowed in self-pity, regret, and depression for eighteen months. One day I stumbled upon Dr. Wayne Dyer’s Your Erroneous Zone. It was the book that woke me up and made me realize only I could change the way I was seeing myself and my past.

    The past was gone, done, over. I couldn’t change it, no matter how much it hurt. I had to accept what was, and most importantly, I had to learn to see myself in a different light.

    Here’s I how I did it.

    At first I kept a list of everything nice anyone said to me.

    I started a gratitude journal.

    I went back to basics—appreciation, picking love over fear.

    I learned that just because he didn’t love me, that didn’t mean that I’m unlovable.

    Slowly but surely, I began to see my value.

    I realized I was a worthwhile human being after all.

    As a nutritionist, I help clients change their health every day, so whenever I felt truly helpless, I would find some who needed my help and offer it for free. Was it good business? Some would say no, but for me, it was therapy.

    Kindness therapy, you get what you give. I was giving love, and in return I found myself. If you ever feel helpless, reach out and help someone. Smile at a stranger. It maybe the only person they see smile at them all day. You never know the ripple effect of the kindness you spread.

    I wrote articles on nutrition for magazines. At first, I think this was to give me validation. Seeing my name printed in a magazine must mean I’m a worthwhile human being, right?

    But the letters of gratitude I received made me realize that I knew things that could help people. One lady wrote to me saying her daughter’s behavior had improved dramatically after she implemented the changes I had suggested.

    These small things helped me realize that while I may not look like a Victoria’s Secret model, like my ex’s new girlfriend, I am still a worthwhile human being who has the ability to help people.

    I also started to see that even those who appear to “have it all” to the outside world often still have their own issues going on. I realized that having looks like a Victoria’s Secret model doesn’t protect you from heartbreak or sadness, a fact I had ignored until now.

    Cheryl Cole is one of the most beautiful women in show business, yet her husband cheated on her.

    We have to love ourselves. Comparison and envy are destructive forces that steal away contentment and block the flow of love. We don’t have to prove we are good enough to anyone; we just have to realize we were born worthy of love, and we’re lovable exactly as we are.

    I’ve learned that there will always be people who are more and less attractive than me. However, beauty is subjective, and we all have different taste.

    I believe beauty is a characteristic of a person. Beauty comes from a person’s soul. Beauty is in a person’s actions, how they treat people, how they care about people, and who they are as a person.

    So don’t live a half-life comparing yourself to others. Comparison in any form is destructive. Downward comparisons can make you vain and upward comparisons can make you bitter.

    We all deserve to be loved by others and to love others, but first we need to love ourselves.

    Love yourself just as you are. You, as much as anyone else in the world, deserve your own love.

    Woman hugging herself image via Shutterstock

  • Doing Your Best Without the Stress of Perfectionism

    Doing Your Best Without the Stress of Perfectionism

    Stressed

    “Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” ~Robert H. Schuller

    Have you ever been stopped in your tracks by perfectionism? Would you rather not do something if you can’t be sure it will be perfect? Although this kind of thinking doesn’t make much sense, I understand it, because I’ve been there.

    I’d like to share with you some insights that helped me overcome my own deeply ingrained perfectionism and the unhappiness and stagnation it caused me.

    Avoiding perfectionism doesn’t mean avoiding quality work and high achievement.

    I am someone who loves making sure that even the smallest details of my work are right, and that the work I deliver lives up to my highest standards.

    I used to think that the opposite of perfectionism was doing sloppy work, so I tried that for a while, but it really didn’t sit well with me. I don’t know about you, but I like to do something well and make it good quality work, and doing something less than that makes me feel bad.

    If giving your best is what you do naturally, then doing something only half as well as you could just to avoid the trap of perfectionism isn’t going to help you. Trying this has always made me feel stressed because I was going against my nature and because I didn’t like the work I produced. So what to do?

    Who defines your “perfect”?

    I think perfectionism is really fear of being judged by others. It’s actually likely that others will judge us for what we do and say, but in most cases, we can get over it because it’s not so bad—or because we have to.

    However, a perfectionist never looks to compassionate and wise people and imagines how they might judge them! For example, when I am writing a new blog post, I never think of what my grandmother or the Dalai Lama would say about it. (It would probably be something like, “It’s wonderful that you express yourself creatively and try to help others at the same time!”)

    Instead, the people I have in mind are the cynical journalists whose articles I read (which is really my own fault) and the mean and angry people who post anonymous insults in online newspaper forums. I’m pretty sure they would actually hate what I have to say, but why do I pick them as my internal jury?

    This internal process is what I call destructive perfectionism, because it’s a way in which we beat ourselves up and possibly feel so stifled that we never even start our work, or never dare show it to anyone.

    Constructive perfectionism is the fuel you need to move forward.

    Destructive perfectionism stops you in your tracks. Constructive perfectionism allows you to start and do your best—even if a year from now you find it amateurish. That’s how great things get done; you have to start somewhere and work your way up.

    I started getting into strength training, movement art, and gymnastics over a year ago because I wanted to move as capably, strongly, and gracefully as the movement teachers I admire. I soon found that achieving this in a short time frame was highly unrealistic, meaning: For a long time I looked and felt more like an elephant doing gymnastics than an actual movement artist.

    But the vision of what is possible kept me going, and now I am a far better and stronger mover than when I started, even though I am miles away from what I want to achieve. If I had given up after one attempt because it wasn’t perfect, I’d still be a couch potato!

    In my journey away from perfectionism, I also stopped beating myself up and driving myself so far that I came by several injuries, and started enjoying the movement and the small progress I made every day.

    Maybe I will never reach the kind of athletic ability and grace that I long for, but I am enjoying the process so much and doing my health a big favor. So I hope you take this to heart and start enjoying yourself by doing what you love and giving it your best.

    Life is too short to miss out on the pleasure of doing something well just because others might judge you or you might not get it right. As they say: Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.

    Photo by Helga Weber

  • Releasing Pressure and Expectations to Make Room for Life

    Releasing Pressure and Expectations to Make Room for Life

    Free

    “For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them.” ~Thích Nhat Hạnh

    My husband and I bought our first house two years ago. Expecting a child and excited to move on to the next stage in our lives, we listed all of the ways we would make the house perfect.

    As first-time homeowners and parents, we assumed this list was manageable. Surely the house could be painted in a weekend! Of course we can get work done while the baby naps!

    Indeed, it seemed manageable and, therefore, (to me) mandatory.

    To kick off the home improvements, we tested a few new paint colors on the wall in the hallway, and they are still there today. For two years I looked at that paint and reminded myself of what I didn’t accomplish. What were once radiant, bold, and playful colors had become glaring, critical, and mocking.

    It can be easy for our expectations to get the better of us. What may have begun as aspirations transform into laws that must be followed precisely. Who we are and how we live are suddenly not enough.  

    Our internal critic bombards us with well-rehearsed and compelling judgments and criticism. Expectations and judgments masquerade as the truth and influence our emotions and our actions. It can be difficult to detect when our expectations don’t really match reality.

    Upon reflection today, it’s clear to me that we had no idea what we were in for when we made that list two years ago; yet, these expectations had become non-negotiable. Where was the room for living in these expectations?

    Discrepancy between our expectations and reality can be uncomfortable. We may blame ourselves and tighten our grip on our expectations. We believe that it is only once they are met that we can let go and be happy.

    It is also tempting to place blame on another person or our circumstances. Again, we believe that if only he/she/it/this would change, we could let go and be happy.

    The trick in all of this is that there will always be new expectations to be met preventing us from letting go and truly embracing our lives.

    While I struggled with this discrepancy between what should be and what really is, my daughter smiled at the paint on the wall. She doesn’t know what we were “supposed to” finish. She doesn’t know how a wall “should” be.

    My moment of clarity came when she looked up at the wall and triumphantly stated, “Green! Red! Purple!”

    I asked myself then how the same paint on the wall could hold such a different meaning to me. If the walls were painted, what would really be different? Not only that, but what did this unfinished wall make possible and what had I been missing all this time?

    I realized then that the wall more accurately reflects the richness of my life than it does any shortcoming of mine. This wall reflects dancing in the living room and weekends at the park, not failure as a person. I was inspired then to frame the paint on the wall rather than wish it were gone.

    It was both liberating and humbling to acknowledge that this isn’t about the paint on the wall at all. This is about me. It is not the paint that needs to be changed, but what I see when I look at it.

    We can be easily persuaded by the false promises that control and perfection make. We can forget that perfection will never be achieved, and we mistakenly believe that this means we are not enough.

    We might even believe that our self-talk, as negative as it may be, is reality. When thinking errors overshadow the good that is within our lives, it can seem that life must always be something else.

    To find release from the emotional toll of the “shoulds” and “good enoughs,” we focus on what must be different: ourselves, a loved one, a stranger, circumstances, or that irksome wall.

    Why is this so hard to change? Change often brings with it the fear of the unknown. Change is not certain.

    However, when we can change this, not only do our expectations change, but so do our happiness, contentment, and gratitude for what is. We are more likely to fully see things as they are when we can detach ourselves from unyielding expectations.

    We are free to live when we make room for life.

    To begin to see your “wall” through different eyes:

    1. Remind yourself that you are enough.

    It isn’t even necessary to be good enough. You are simply enough.

    We might need to remind ourselves of this often. After all, that inner critic has had a lifetime to develop.

    2. Slow down and take notice of your self-talk.

    What has your inner critic convinced you of? Explore this question with curiosity, not judgment or criticism.

    When we can do this with non-judgmental curiosity, we are able to see with clarity and compassion. We can begin to identify those things we tell ourselves that just make us feel worse and don’t change anything anyway. We can reduce our suffering, even in a naturally painful situation.

    3. Reevaluate your expectations.

    Have you made room for life? Do you have new information now that you didn’t have before? Are these expectations compatible with your priorities?

    When we can make our expectations more fluid, we have the freedom to live in the present moment, and enjoy it. We are free to decide what our life is about, and we are free to change our minds about this at any time.

    4. Get at the underlying fear.

    What are you really afraid of these “walls” revealing? Are these fears accurate?

    Quite often, our fears take the form of “what if” and “what this says about me.” Even when there appears to be a kernel of truth behind the fear (after all, it was true that I hadn’t painted that wall), there is more to the story. The belief that we are unworthy, irresponsible, weak, unlovable imposters is simply a fear, not a fact.

    5. Consider how this “wall” might be described in your biography.

    What is the whole story? How boring would the biography be if it were just about a wall?

    Perhaps we are focused on the small, inconsequential details of life. Perhaps we take our lives for granted. Intentionally taking a step back and really looking is how we get to appreciate the fullness of life.

    Although taking these steps requires the conscious effort to make a change, the result is far more rewarding than a newly painted wall could ever be.

    Photo by Graham

  • It’s a Great Day to Make a Mistake

    It’s a Great Day to Make a Mistake

    Why are we so terrified of making mistakes? Why are we killing our creativity and curiosity with our desire for efficiency and conformity?

    Today is a great day to make a mistake—and here’s why that’s a good thing.

  • How to Stop Feeling Inadequate and Embrace Your Imperfect Self

    How to Stop Feeling Inadequate and Embrace Your Imperfect Self

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    As I sit in bed typing this, all cozied up with a hot cup of tea and my fuzz ball Maestro relaxing at my feet, I feel happy and at ease.

    I scan the room and see a couple of stacks of laundry that need to be put away. I recall that my daughter’s toys are still strewn across the house because I didn’t feel much like stopping to pick them up prior to my retreat to writing, my happy place. I realize that I have an inbox full of emails to answer. That can all wait.

    Sounds kind of normal, right? But, for me, this maintained mellowness in a sea of what could be perceived as chaos is a pretty big deal.

    You see, I’m a recovering perfectionist. There was a time in my life when uncleaned messes, unanswered emails, and other various untied loose ends would have gnawed at my very core and robbed me of my peace until I finally cried mercy, giving them the attention they demanded.

    But at some point I realized that the stacks of certificates and awards collecting dust inside a drawer in my perfectly clean house weren’t doing much for me. In fact, they were only temporary fixes to fill the voids of my spirit, as I desperately avoided being completely honest with myself and opening up to my truth and vulnerability.

    I would take on one project after the other and work myself to the bone until they were executed perfectly.

    Putting in more than fifty hours a week at the office and hitting the gym six days a week was, once upon a time, my norm.

    I remember days of changing my outfit a dozen times before leaving the house and then doing fifty sit-ups for good measure. The voice in my head was telling there was room for improvement, to reach perfection.

    I hid behind my straight A’s in school, my top sales awards as an employee, and the recognition and accolades I fought for as I dove head first into my entrepreneurial adventures. They were my mask, my shield.

    What’s wrong with all of that, some might ask? The pursuit of excellence is a good thing, right? Aren’t hard work and dedication admirable traits? Yes, and no.

    Following your passion and making a difference in the world are certainly high up on the list of things to do for a happy life. But, when you are coming from a place of lack instead of a place of love and when you get so caught up in the end results that you totally miss out on the journey, that’s a recipe for burnout and a life unfulfilled.

    So, what is the difference between perfection and excellence? It’s quite subtle, actually, but they feel very different.

    Perfect feels constrictive, judgmental, painful (especially when the mark is missed), and is fueled by feelings of lack, of wanting to be accepted and liked. Excellence, on the other hands, feels warm, honorable, accepting, and is fueled by feelings of love and pure intentions of being in service and becoming a little bit better version of yourself each day.

    When you come up a bit short of excellence, you still win. When you strive for perfect, you’re never quite good enough. It’s like being in an abusive relationship—with yourself.

    Simply put: In the pursuit of perfect, we miss out on much of the beauty around us in our everyday lives. Nobody is actually perfect, so it’s really like living a lie. The truth is buried under all the “perfect” walls that we put up.

    Perfectionism is a cozy little blanket we try to wrap ourselves in. But, while we trick ourselves into believing it is keeping us safe and warm, in reality, it’s just a shield to hide what’s really going on inside.

    Becoming “mommy” six years ago was the catalyst in my life that finally helped me to see past my crutch.

    I believe that our actions are our strongest teacher, and I didn’t want my daughters to learn through mine how to torture themselves and feel inadequate by striving for the delusional ideal of being perfect.

    Plus, it feels pretty amazing to just relax and enjoy the journey of life moment by moment. Basking in my children’s laughter, sharing with them my presence and genuine goofiness. No outside validation or approval required.

    If you can relate to this at all and are ready to peel back some of your own layers, here are a few things to think about. These really helped me along my road to accepting my perfectly imperfect authenticity.

    1. Remember: You are enough!

    Ask yourself this: Whose approval are you after, anyway? You don’t need to impress anybody! Think about it. What does outside approval even get you? Other people think you are cool? They give you the “thumbs up”? You’re living your life in a way that somebody else agrees with? Hmmm.

    Well, at the end of the day, if you are not living your own truth and doing things that are in alignment with your own soul’s calling, then you will be left feeling unfulfilled and always grasping for that outside validation.

    Instead, remember this: Everything you need is already inside of you. Learn to drown out all that outside noise and just celebrate your unique beauty. A good self-check is to ask, “Am I doing this for the cause or the applause?”

    2. Perfection is an illusion.

    There is simply no such thing. We’re not meant to be perfect—by design, humans make mistakes. (Otherwise, we’d be called robots).

    We all have good days and bad days. Plus, one person’s definition of “perfect” can be completely different from the next. So, why act like a crazy person and give yourself a hard time over something that is delusional? Stop the madness!

    3. Think “Wabi-Sabi.”

    No, not the spicy green horseradish-like stuff you eat with sushi! It’s a Japanese aesthetic that describes beauty as imperfections. It celebrates cracks and crevices and other marks of time. Yes, it is, in fact, our imperfections that make us beautiful. Embrace them.

    4. Consider: What is the impression you want to leave on the world?

    In pursuit of perfection, we can seem aloof, despondent, closed in. It’s because by being so focused on the end result, we put some serious blinders on and miss out on beautiful connections with others. People will much more closely connect with your truth (especially the right connections for you). No need to hide. Let your soul shine!

    5. There is pure joy and love in truth and vulnerability.

    Allowing ourselves to be real and vulnerable is not always easy. However, living a life hiding from our true identity is even more painful.

    Living your truth means embracing and accepting all aspects of you—bumps, bruises, and all. This is, after all, the meaning of life. Unlock the potential of unlimited happiness in your life by letting go.

    Our existence here on earth is too short to live it under the neurotic premises of doing everything perfectly. Throw caution to the wind, embrace your imperfections, celebrate your authenticity, breathe in each precious moment, and give vulnerability and acceptance a try.

    You might just discover the glorious freedom that exists within, underneath the “perfect” armor.

    Once you peel back all those layers and discover the breathtaking beauty of self, you might even find yourself tilting your head back toward the sky and allowing a giant smile come across your lips. You are home. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Namaste.

  • How to Stop Stressing About Being Perfect (So You Can Enjoy Life)

    How to Stop Stressing About Being Perfect (So You Can Enjoy Life)

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    I finally learned I wasn’t Superman.

    It was a hard concept for me to grasp. You see, I was always the good child. The one that did everything without complaint or supervision. I was the one who didn’t need help in school, who knew how to plan, who did the chores without having to be asked twice.

    As I grew older this idea that I was “the good child/person” grew. My grades had to be perfect. My work had to be perfect. I had to interact perfectly with everyone I met.

    Needless to say, this drive to perfection caused me a lot of stress. Stress to the point that I was literally pulling my hair out. I know you see that on cartoons and things, but it happened to me for real.

    I didn’t even know I was doing it until one day I looked in the mirror after my shower and saw a bald spot. I had combed over it for so long without even consciously realizing it was there.

    I knew I had to do something after that. I had to change something. I wanted to just give up. After all, if I couldn’t be prefect, then what was the point of it all?

    I cycled into depression, but even this depression did not lessen my drive to be perfect. I made it look like I was doing fine. I went to work every day, did my home things, and even interacted on a superficial level with those around me.

    After a while of this hollow existence, I started to become angry. Why did no one see I was hurting? Why was there no reaction to this change?

    I slowly ground to a screeching, sputtering stop as circumstances in my life piled up: the death of a family member, the illness of another, my car getting totaled, my job on the edge.

    Boom, boom, boom. One right after another.

    Nothing was perfect now, and I could not see any way to make it perfect. It was hopeless, all of it.

    So, at last, I gave up on being perfect.

    At first, it seemed strange to me. Leaving things unfinished. Doing things halfway. Not going out of my way to make everything seem okay. I thought the world would fall apart. But it didn’t.

    Other people took up the slack. Things that I thought were vital went undone without consequence. Not working at 110% did not make the world come crashing down around my head.

    Hesitantly, I started to look around. I started doing things that were fun for me instead of things that needed to be done. I said no when people asked for help. I left dishes in the sink and trash in the can. I ate out instead of cooking. I ate what I wanted and not what I thought was right. I watched TV when I wanted and slept when I wanted and didn’t worry about what I should be doing instead.

    And you know what?

    It was okay.

    Shockingly, there was little difference in my life between working hard and enjoying it. Little difference to others. However, it was a big difference to my mental health. I discovered I could do more with less. Less work, less stress, less perfection.

    I could enjoy life without being perfect.

    I am not saying that my change did not cause conflict. My family was not pleased with the sudden upsurge in their workload. Those little things I always did were now undone. If they wanted it done they had to do it themselves.

    The little things they took for granted suddenly became scarce and my ever helpful and always consistent presence became something that had to be requested rather than relied upon.

    It was empowering to say no. To be out of touch. To be enjoying myself without guilt or stress.

    I found out that I could now enjoy and even look forward to things that had previously stressed me out. That every experience was not a chance to screw up but a chance to learn something new. That doing new things was good, even if I wasn’t good at them at first.

    It’s great to strive toward excellence, but it’s not worth stressing about perfection. If you’d like to take a page from my book and learn to enjoy being imperfect:

    1. Accept that perfection is unreachable.

    No one can possibly be perfect; that is what makes us human. However, you have to not only accept that you will not be perfect, but also be happy that being imperfect makes you different than everyone else. Being perfect would make everyone identical. Our imperfections are what make us unique and special in this world.

    2. Say no.

    When you are trying to be perfect, it’s hard to tell people no. You want to make them perfectly happy. You want to be the perfect spouse, sibling, or friend. However, taking on more and more things does not make you more perfect or even a better person. It only makes you more stressed.

    Saying no is not only good for your mental health, but it is good for others as well. Many times people will have to deal with their own issues, which will make them grow into stronger human beings. If you had helped them, they would not have had the chance to grow.

    3. Try new things, even if you fail.

    Being a perfectionist, it’s hard to get the guts up to try something you have never done before in the fear that you will be less than perfect at it. However, that’s the fun of trying something new! You get to learn and grow and become more than what you were before. Staying stagnant is not healthy for anyone. Embrace your mistakes and learn something new.

    4. Let some things go.

    We prioritize things that are not really important. Will you remember doing the dishes, or having fun with your friends? Will you remember filing, or having a great conversation with your coworker?

    When you learn to let the unimportant things go, you have more time for what really matters. You also have more time to do what is fun for you instead of only doing what ‘needs’ to be done.

    5. Prioritize what makes you happy.

    Life is more than work and chores and making it through one day after another. If you feel like you are working and moving but never enjoying or accomplishing anything, you may need to take a step back and reevaluate what you are doing with your life.

    Being stressed all the time is no way to live. Instead, try to enjoy your life. Prioritize those things and people that make you happy.

    Stressing out about perfection is a useless endeavor. Perfection is impossible for us, so why do we make ourselves sick over it?

    I have learned to abandon perfection and focus on enjoy life every day. This has greatly reduced my stress, increased my happiness, and made me the kind of person I would want to be friends with.

  • Stop Aiming for Perfection: Can You Let Good Enough Be Good Enough?

    Stop Aiming for Perfection: Can You Let Good Enough Be Good Enough?

    Ready to Receive

    “Good enough is the new perfect.” ~Becky Beaupre Gillespie

    The music started. Pachelbel’s Canon in D on harp and flute. I was supposed to enter the room near the end of the piece.

    I knew there were fourteen sets of four measures each, but in my nervous state I quickly lost track. I picked a random moment in the music that I thought might be near the end (surely I’d been waiting forever already), opened the door, and walked in.

    Then: BAM!

    The door startled me by suddenly slamming shut behind me. Oops… That was not supposed to happen.

    Thus started my recent wedding, with the bride oh-so inelegantly slamming a door.

    Then, uh-oh, I heard my dad stumble over a note on his flute. And when I got to my designated spot by my groom and our officiants, I realized—oops—I had entered way too early. We all had to stand there awkwardly while the piece played on for what seemed like ages.

    Twenty years ago, at my first wedding, this stuttering start probably would have horrified me. This time, thank goodness, things were different.

    Instead of being horrified that my perfect day was being ruined, I just beamed. My heart swelled that my parents, who get so nervous playing for a rapt audience, were the ones sharing their music with us. I giggled as my groom and I mimed flirting with each other while the music played, and everyone else laughed along.

    All the “mistakes” were part of the fun and specialness of the day.

    Twenty years before, when I got married the first time, I was a card-holding Perfectionist with a capital P. I sought out the best string quartet, the best photographer, the best caterer, the best florist, the best makeup artist.

    When my custom-made gown (made by the best seamstress) didn’t turn out exactly the way I wanted (read: perfect), I feared the world might end.

    Oh, yes, I was one of those brides. I admit it. The sad fact is that I was a perfectionist about the wedding because some desperate, scared, insecure part of me unconsciously believed that if the wedding were perfect, maybe it would somehow fix my flawed relationship and make it okay.

    If the wedding were perfect, maybe my life would be good enough.

    As you may already have gleaned, from the fact that there was a second wedding, this isn’t how things worked out.

    That first wedding was perfect. Or, at least, darn near close to it. And this, not surprisingly, did nothing to save what was ultimately a doomed marriage.

    Yet for years I still hid behind a perfectionist mask, believing that if I only showed my shiny highlight reel with the world, and never revealed the messy, broken, confused, imperfect self underneath, somehow my life would be good.

    It was the continuation of a lifetime of perfectionism.

    When I was in school, happiness seemed to depend on getting straight A’s.

    As a newlywed, happiness seemed to depend on the perfect, beautiful home.

    Then, as I started exploring the world of art and calligraphy, and gradually grew a small business from my creative work, happiness still seemed to depend on keeping up a shiny, perfect front.

    I did my best to hide my flaws and mistakes. And as my marriage disintegrated, I focused even more intently on achieving perfection in my work.

    But of course, true perfection is not possible, so all of this seeking of happiness through perfection only left me miserable.

    I became too scared of imperfection to try anything. My creative flow dried up.

    Who can create anything when only “perfect” is considered good enough?

    I suspect the ultimate collapse of my marriage played a big part in getting me on the road to recovering perfectionism. A divorce makes it very hard to pretend to the world that everything is perfect.

    And once you acknowledge that you aren’t perfect, that your life isn’t perfect after all, you no longer have to keep up the charade. Suddenly, it becomes acceptable to simply be you, in all your glorious imperfection.

    Letting go of a lifetime of perfectionism is not easy. Like recovering from alcoholism, I see it as an ongoing pursuit, and I consider myself a recovering perfectionist.

    Now, though, instead of aiming for perfection, I intentionally embrace imperfection. I proudly call myself an Imperfectionist with a capital I!

    I’ve learned the hard way that when I wait until something is perfect before I can try it or share it with the world, I stay permanently stuck in perfectionist paralysis.

    Whether building a website, learning to sing, asking someone out on a date, broaching that difficult conversation, putting a new product on the market, or anything else, the only way to move forward in life is to allow yourself to be imperfect.

    Plus, embracing imperfection is just a kinder, gentler way to live. I haven’t given up on my quest for excellence, but I’m a strong believer that going for “good enough” leads to a lot more happiness than going for “perfect.”

    This was certainly true when, twenty years after my first wedding, fifteen years after that “perfect” marriage ended in divorce, I said “I do” a second time.

    This time around, instead of seeking out a passel of the best wedding vendors, we aimed for “good enough.”

    I knew that the marriage was the truly important thing, while the wedding was merely a small entertainment we were doing because it gave us pleasure, and because it gave our families pleasure, which in turn gave us pleasure.

    Freed from my perfectionist paralysis, I even wrote a song to sing at the ceremony, as a surprise for my new husband. I’d started writing it a few years before, but had never managed to finish. Perhaps I’d been trying to make it perfect?

    Now, though, I had a new goal: not a perfect song, but simply a complete song—a good enough song.

    I also had a deadline, and deadlines are magical things, especially when combined with imperfectionism.

    I did complete my “good enough” song and I surprised my groom with it, right before our officiant officially declared us married. Like my dad on the flute, I was a bit nervous. My voice wasn’t the absolute best it’s ever been, and I messed up one of the chords.

    And you know what? It was perfect.

    Where can you let go of “perfect” in your life, and replace it with “good enough”?

    Photo by AJ Leon

  • Owning Our Stories: Overcoming The Fears That Make Us Play Small

    Owning Our Stories: Overcoming The Fears That Make Us Play Small

    Oh So Free

    “I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brené Brown

    It’s taken me a long time to figure out my story.

    I kept thinking, “Nothing particularly dramatic has happened to me, so how can I have a story?”

    Yet recently, after years of personal growth work, that’s shifted. I see the golden thread that weaves through my story and what that means for how I show up and what I bring to the world.

    I now see that this whole thing about owning your story isn’t about drama. It’s not about having a story that you feel is significant and worthy enough to share. 

    In many ways, it’s a metaphor. If I own my story, then I put my name to it. I become the author and with that I take the role of protagonist.

    It also makes me ask the question, “If I’m not owning my story and authoring it, then who is?”

    My story is one of learning to accept that I am enough, just as I am, and that what’s in my heart matters.

    For most of my life I’ve strived to be enough without consciously being aware of it. It seemed to be what everyone did in the corporate world to get along. Reach. Stretch. Push. Always seeking more. 

    I can’t say it felt exhausting, because with every new goal I’d have a ton of energy to push through. I would think, “If I get that promotion, then I’ll feel happy.” Or, “If I get that Masters Degree, then I’ll be credible and heard.”

    No, it didn’t feel exhausting. It did feel relentlessly unfulfilling.

    It was as if I kept promising myself it would all be better when—even though I knew on some deep level it wouldn’t.

    I felt so stuck. I knew I had all this powerful energy, but it was locked inside me. It would show up in bursts, but so often I would hold it back.

    I was blaming others for my circumstances. I was arguing for how I had no choice; I had a mortgage to pay and kids to support. I was angrily frustrated and I found it hard to contain. 

    I would start my day at work believing “I can change things and make a meaningful contribution,” yet, I’d keep being met by the story of the organizational culture: “It’s not the right time,” or, “it’s not the way we do things around here,” or, “we just care about the numbers.”

    I was so frustrated that I would come home and complain to my husband about how awful it was and how I should be doing something different but I couldn’t because we needed the money.

    I blamed him on some level. I also blamed myself for not having enough courage to really change my circumstances.

    People kept telling me how lucky I was to work part time while the kids were little, but it felt like such a trade off. Almost as if I could have part-time work but I couldn’t expect it to be meaningful.

    For me to really look inside and discover what I wanted to do, it took a coach to point out that I was being a victim in my current story. 

    I remember when he said it I cried, and, truth be known, I felt embarrassed that I was crying on the phone to a guy when I was supposed to be professional!

    Yet it was a painful release of the truth of how I felt. It was as if in some way he had just lanced a boil. I was being a victim. I had given my power away because I was scared.

    I had lost touch with who I was, what was in my heart, and what I wanted.

    From that moment on, I made a commitment to myself to get to the heart of who I was and what I bring to the world. 

    I wanted to become the protagonist in my story. I made the decision to quit my job and follow my heart.

    It felt completely counterintuitive. My head was going wild with sabotaging thoughts, but somewhere deep inside me I trusted that I could handle what showed up.

    I talked to my boss about what was happening in the organization and how the role wasn’t turning out as we had anticipated. We talked openly about this and I asked for what I wanted. We agreed to negotiate a severance package.

    From there I started to notice opportunities and invest in myself so I could pursue my dream of running my own business.

    I decided I had to manage my fears and made a conscious choice to let courage trump them.  I would say things to myself like, “Seriously, what’s the worst that can happen?” The answer would be “I go and get another job.” More often than not I would say, “You’ve got this. You can do this.”

    I clarified my minimum-squeak-by and dream income amounts and worked out a simple business plan based on these.

    Most importantly, I kept going. I had a mantra that was based on how we learn to walk as babies. I would say to myself when it was tough, “Just one foot in front of the other, Vanessa.” And I would do the next small thing, even though I had a tendency to focus on the big vision.

    That was nearly four years ago now and I’ve been on such a rollercoaster ride of adventure.  Of course it has had ups and downs, and I wouldn’t change it for anything, because I have grown so much and I now know what it means to be fully responsible and at choice.

    I have discovered the golden thread in my story: that my deepest fear is that I am not enough and I need to be more than I am to thrive.

    That thread sabotages me when I believe it, because it makes me try really hard to perfect myself, procrastinate, and play small. It also has me seek approval and validation and hold back my truth.

    Being aware of it helps me consciously work the muscle of radical self-acceptance and self-empowerment. It enables me to learn to practice compassion, kindness, self-love, and enough-ness.

    It helps me to let go of old defensive ways of playing small like people pleasing, avoidance, and perfection.

    It also helps me create connection. When I stand in the story of I am enough, just as I am, I’m great at helping people grow and find their soul truth. I’m perfect at showing up just as I am and every time I fail or show up trying to be something other than who I am, it serves as a wonderful opportunity to help me grow.

    I had two fears when I started to own this story: 

    1. What would people think about me? How could I openly stand up and say, “I practice radical self-acceptance,” because my wound is that I fear I am not enough as I am?
    2. I would come across as egotistical if I fully owned what I’m good at.

    Interestingly, they form a double bind, with being not enough at one end and at the other, being too much. Underneath them is a fear of your opinion of me.

    The key to unlocking my ability to stand in my story and fully own it has been learning to make my opinion the one that counts (at least where I’m concerned).

    Making my opinion count is a practice for me. It requires me to ground my energy and often to slow down, take a step back, and quiet my inner critic.

    In this place, I can connect to my inner wise woman and hear her truth. Then my only job is to trust it. It’s why my word for the year is trust.

    Trust that I know what I know and that I am enough.

    Trust that my heart can lead.

    Trust that I am the protagonist in my story and it’s a worthy story.

    Trust that the fear inside that you might judge my story is part of the old story of not being enough as I am.

    Trust that when you and I stand fully in the center of our stories, we come from love.

    Photo by ByLaauraa

  • 5 Tips to Accept Your Imperfections, No Matter How Different You Feel

    5 Tips to Accept Your Imperfections, No Matter How Different You Feel

    Cheerful Girl

    “I follow four dictates: face it, accept it, deal with it, then let it go.” ~Sheng Yen

    Growing up different isn’t easy for anyone.

    I was born normal, happy, and healthy. I had five fingers and five toes. I reached all my developmental milestones and showed promise as a vivacious, energetic child. It all changed when I was ten months old.

    I became violently ill with bacterial meningitis. I battled the infection with a strength I was naturally graced with at birth. One week into my hospital stay, I was finally able to lift my head; two weeks later, I was back home.

    I was lucky to escape with my life from the meningitis. When it’s not fatal, it can result in long-term complications, such as low IQ, cognitive impairment, loss of limbs, and learning difficulties, to name a few.

    I came away with profound hearing loss. Not quite deaf, but enough loss to have it impact on my daily functioning.

    At seven years of age, I got my first pair of hearing aids. It opened my world to a whole new experience. I could hear a lot more and I have this vivid memory of hearing a leaf scatter across the pavement for the first time. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what that noise was.

    It brought challenges along with it too.

    I was known as the kid with “the things in her ears.” I was bullied for being different. I hung out with the boys playing football and cricket because the girls didn’t want a bar of me.

    It left me emotionally dead. I was really good at burying all the pain inside and trudging along every day.

    I became a master robot—a mechanical human being incapable of trusting and feeling. It was my survival mechanism doing its best to avoid accepting who I really am.

    Entering the real world after school became a shock. Out of my comfort zone, I had to enter a world of large groups, noisy parties where I couldn’t hear what anyone was saying, large lecture rooms, and meeting new people. I had to suddenly be more than okay with my hearing loss.

    I had to be okay with being a little different.

    It was the biggest lesson of my life—my own perceived fears are far more powerful than anything else.

    I perceived people would treat me different or look at me differently if I told them I had hearing loss. By believing this, I practically encouraged them to treat me differently without realizing it.

    So there I was, in my late teens, brewing with years of buried emotions and a confronting new reality of accepting who I am. So what did I do? Partied hard of course. The emotions came out in a flurry of binge drinking and hangovers worthy of a death bed.

    It took me three years to finally wake up. Three years to finally realize that I must accept every part of me in order to live the life I want. Negative emotions continue to build up when we cannot accept ourselves for who we really are, and burying our emotions is no different to avoiding our true self.

    Accepting who we are is a beautiful, bone-achingly hard thing to do. It’s about being vulnerable, consciously opening our eyes to our flaws, and seeing them in a whole new light. It hurts at first, but it’s a pain worth a thousand lifetimes.

    By changing our perception to see our flaws as neutral traits that are both good and bad, we change how we choose to react to things. It will ultimately change our life for the better.

    I’ve learned to see the benefits of my hearing loss. I’m a world-class lip reader who can probably “hear” better than you in loud settings. I’m more visually aware and observant than most, which has been incredibly handy in understanding human behavior.

    I had to face my hearing loss through accepting it as a genuine, unique part of me. I am absolutely in love with my life, despite all its challenges and pitfalls, and I have no doubt that if I didn’t have this unique part of me, I would be in a very, very different place.

    If I could give you five tips to help you accept who you are, they would be this:

    1. See your perceived flaws in a whole new light.

    Nothing is ever completely good or completely bad. In fact, everything is in perfect, harmonious balance. Find the benefit of that one thing you have trouble accepting, and change your perception to see that it’s not so bad having it after all.

    2. Practice gratitude daily.

    We all have so much to be grateful for. Gratitude helps to cultivate a positive mindset, which will help you to accept yourself for who you really are.

    Create a daily gratitude journal and list three things for which you are grateful. Do this in the morning to start your day on a positive note.

    3. Recognize that you are not your thoughts.

    We get so lost in the story that goes through our minds. Our egoistic mind is, in fact, our greatest storyteller. And too often, we believe everything it tells us.

    Learn to recognize that thoughts are created by an egoistic, survival-focused mind. It sees the threat in everything. Start to separate yourself by asking your mind this: “Does this thought serve me and my purpose? Does this thought actually help me?”

    4. Be vulnerable with others.

    You will be pleasantly surprised to know that you are not alone in this big, beautiful world. Someone out there has gone through your tribulations and trials, and they will understand what you are going through.

    We can feel so alone with our ego at times, so sharing with others can help us to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It also helps us to change our perception, as others can guide us to a different angle.

    5. Look after yourself.

    Eat a nourishing diet, move regularly, rest often, and be mindful. We, too often, underestimate how the mind and body work both ways. By looking after your body, you are creating a sacred environment for your true being. It makes acceptance a lot easier when you look after the house your soul resides in.

    It wasn’t until I started applying these five tips that I finally began the arduous process of accepting every little part of me, including that ever so tough one of my hearing loss. Every day, I accept myself a little more.

    I just want you to remember this: you are imperfectly perfect, just the way you are.

    Photo by g-imagination

  • Things Will Never Be Perfect: Making Peace with Everyday Challenges

    Things Will Never Be Perfect: Making Peace with Everyday Challenges

    Meditating in the Street

    “Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” ~Unknown

    A few weeks ago, I walked into my studio apartment and found it quite messy, which isn’t that hard to do with 325 square feet shared by a couple.

    I’m talking clothes on the floor, dishes on the couch, and paper strewn everywhere. It had been one of those weeks where both my husband and I were ripping and running, having little to no time to manage household chores.

    I looked around, took a deep breath, and sat down on the couch after moving some papers. I enjoyed some dinner with my husband and then went to bed. I got up the next morning feeling rested and cleaned the apartment joyfully and pretty quickly with him.

    Why am I telling you this? You see, a few months prior I would have stressed out and felt totally guilty about the house being so junky. I would have gone into an entire inner dialogue about how I wasn’t organized enough and how I couldn’t keep things together.

    This would have led me into a cleaning frenzy for the rest of the night and I would have went to bed feeling tired and depleted, waking up the next morning in an exhaustive funk.

    In that moment of first opening the door, I learned to fully accept and be at peace with what was actually happening rather than beat myself up with lofty expectations of what I had wanted to happen.

    It was a subtle yet important shift in my life. I walked in and rather than feeling bad about the mess, I simply acknowledged that the apartment was in disarray.

    Yes, there were clothes strewn on the floor. Yes, I had been working many hours and didn’t have the time to do laundry. I also acknowledged that “messy” was a relative term, and I realized that I felt a bit of shame about having a messy place because of strict rules that I grew up with when I was younger.

    I accepted the fact that the apartment was messy and that it was okay to not do anything at the very moment to tidy up. It was so simple, just a few moments, but I suddenly felt myself breathing easier as a result and sleeping a lot easier without the worry or the inner critics coming out to play.

    Sometimes I think we have to learn how to accept what is so that we can find peace of mind no matter what kind of day we are having or what type of circumstance we encounter.

    Peace is available to us all of the time, even when life seems to be out of our control. It may not feel like it, but beyond chaos is serenity, if we only accept it. Solutions to our problems are also clearer when we move into this place of peace.

    When feeling a bit stressed out about high expectations, gently remind yourself to do the following:

    Acknowledge what is here. Simply notice for a few seconds what you are feeling, experiencing, seeing, and hearing without any judgment. Also, notice if any judgment is coming from you or other people in your life.

    Accept that situation fully as it is. No shame. No guilt. Just acceptance and lots of deep breaths.

    Be open to the inner wisdom that you possess. There may not be an immediate solution and that is totally fine. Sometimes I think a good pause is just what we need before we take a next step.

    You are enough just as you are. It is a beautiful thing to accept the fullness of your human experience rather than wishing it was anything different.

    There will always be homes to clean, items on the to do list, obligations to fulfill, inboxes to clear, and schedules to make. In the midst of all that, there will always be peace and joy available to us if we simply notice.

    May you find ultimate serenity as you let go of expectations and root into full acceptance of yourself and your life experiences.

    Photo by Nickolai Kashirin

  • Be Happier with What Is by Letting Go of How Things Should Be

    Be Happier with What Is by Letting Go of How Things Should Be

    Embrace the Moment

    “What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” ~Ralph Marston

    Have you ever been stuck and felt like you’re spiraling around the same space over and over? It’s just like Groundhog Day.

    Every day, you have new intentions about how it will be different only to be left with the same hollow feelings at the end of the day.

    You feel sadness for the dreams of what could have been and maybe even what should have been.

    At forty-five I found myself unexpectedly in this place, stuck like my feet were almost tied to the ground. All the usual ways of getting through it weren’t working.

    I couldn’t run away from it. I couldn’t push through it. I couldn’t go around it. I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t there.

    It just was there. It wouldn’t budge.

    I felt overwhelmed and burned out, and no books, courses, or friend’s advice seemed to have an effect.

    I just kept coming back to the same point of inertia, always left sitting on the edge of my power.

    I had this nagging doubt that as a coach I should know better and somehow be exempt from the stories of resentment, blame, self-criticism, imperfection, and failure that chattered away in the background of my mind. As if I shouldn’t have a low mood because surely I should have figured this one out by now.

    They say the only way out is through and that was definitely true for me.

    I reached a point where I just had to be in the center of my experience and be with the vulnerability that I was so desperately skirting around the edge of.

    It happened by chance while I was on an early morning run with the dog.

    It was a fresh, crisp autumn morning, the kind where the blueness of the sky just takes your breath away. My feet were soaking from the wet grass and I was struck by how warm the sunshine was on my face.

    I felt the impulse to stop running, sit down on a bench, and close my eyes. I followed my breath and imagined that I was breathing in the sunshine through the top of my head, down into my body, and then out down through the soles of my feet. Then, I reversed it.

    I sat doing this, and suddenly out of nowhere an image came up. It was a life plan that I’d written many years back when I was stuck in my last corporate job and trying to figure a way out. 

    It was on one piece of paper and it had my ages moving up to the age of sixty (anything beyond was considered bonus), alongside my husband’s and kids’. There weren’t many specific landmarks other than the when the kids would take their exams and some dreams I had to run my own business.

    What struck me as I saw this image in front of me was how perfected it was.

    There were implicit assumptions that I could suddenly see clearly displayed in front of my eyes. There I was through all these ages, the perfect earth mother, always patient, creative, consistent, kind, and loving. 

    I was a role model holding down a career, coaching, writing, running a successful business, and making a difference in the world. I juggled and balanced with grace and ease. I was a gorgeous wife who looked great, handled all the household stuff without complaint, and was still able to be a sexy goddess.

    I never lost my temper or argued. I travelled and adventured through life, felt good about myself, and experienced peace and happiness.

    I was perfect in every way and got things right all the time.

    Staying with the breath I noticed that I felt really emotional. The emotion was sadness, and for once I allowed myself to be with it. I just sat with my dog sitting next to me on this bench, in the middle of nature, with a mixture of sunshine and tears on my face.

    About five minutes passed and I felt a shift. I had an intense clarity that what was keeping me stuck was the tightly held grip I had on how I believed it all should be.

    The perfected image that I was holding for my life that was causing me to push against who I truly am. The incessant push to keep improving myself and be anything other than who I actually am.

    You see, my real life is messy and very imperfect.

    As a mother I’m spontaneous, which often means I’m not consistent and I prickle and get impatient when we don’t attend to the routine things, like homework or tidying up. I get frustrated when it feels like everyone else is making demands and my needs don’t feature.

    I often feel like I’m caught in a system where I believe my girls need to be children, discover their passion, and follow their own light spots; but they’re in a school system and culture that believes and reinforces that you need to be above average in everything and learn information that feels irrelevant to them.

    I want to praise but I catch myself criticizing when it all piles up and I feel overwhelmed.

    I know I open and close my heart in my relationships, and I’m only just beginning to get my head around this whole notion of unconditional love.

    Our house moves from being neat and tidy to disorganized and cluttered.

    One of the most regular arguments is about where the car keys are and why there’s no petrol in the car and how there’s no time to fill up on the way to drop the kids at school!

    These two images—the perfected and the reality—were where my struggle came from.

    Every time I bumped up against the perfected image of how I thought I should have been as opposed to how I am, I got twitchy and self-sabotaged by being self-critical and creating my inertia. 

    It was easier to reach to be anything other than who I am because it reinforced the old familiar story that I am not enough as I am.

    It’s this insight that helps me to release and let it go.

    What’s left in its place is the reality of my imperfection.

    I now see how my desire to be perfect has me lose the very thing that I’m seeking, which is to feel happy and at peace with myself.

    The real work, my soul’s work, is to stand in the center of myself and open up the vulnerable part of me that’s scared I really am not enough to make the difference I want to in the world.

    The part of me that reaches to be shinier, bolder, smarter, and any other “er” that could help. The part of me that worries I repeat patterns and don’t get it right as a mum. The part of me that so desperately wants to be enough and perfect, which has me react against others that display the perfected image I think I should be. The part of me that feels scared and alone and so separates rather than leans in.

    To listen to my soul calling requires me to begin the work of self-acceptance and self-compassion and change my old story of not being enough.

    It requires me to let go of needing my work and life to look and be a certain way, and instead be present to how it is now and what wants to unfold.

    What I did on that day will improve my tomorrows because I learned to open up my vulnerability, lean into the emotion, be with it, and see it as guidance.

    The sadness was there to move me and as soon as I stopped avoiding it, I could hear its wisdom.

    Your vulnerability is your biggest permission slip to change your tomorrows. It’s the doorway in to what you’re seeking. It doesn’t make you weak. It gives you strength. It helps you see your limiting story and find your empowering one.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • Why Accepting Your Imperfections Is a Gift to the World

    Why Accepting Your Imperfections Is a Gift to the World

    Holding the Earth

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    Being yourself seems like it would be an easy thing, right? Just be! But when you’re someone who has lived their life seeking the approval of others constantly, it’s not such an easy thing.

    You have to attempt to move past years of trying to appear this way, wondering if people will judge you if do that, or doing your best not to cause waves and avoid conflict.

    When you don’t fully understand who your “self” is, it’s pretty much impossible to actually be that person. 

    I didn’t realize just how deep my desire to please others went until very recently, after a couple of very deep soul searching years.

    I saw how automatic it had become for me to try to be what everyone else wanted me to be. Even when I “liked” a page on Facebook, I thought twice about it and wondered if people would judge me for it.

    I wanted to appear a certain way to people. I wanted to appear like I had it all together, that I was “perfect.” Most importantly, though, I didn’t want to appear disabled.

    If I liked all of the “right” things, if I was cool, if I was funny, if I was pretty, and wore the most stylish clothes or had my makeup done just right, then maybe people would notice all of that instead of my muscular dystrophy and the limp that came with it.

    Maybe they wouldn’t notice the difficulty I had going up stairs. If I fell, maybe they wouldn’t judge me because they would see I was awesome in so many other ways.

    Trying to be everything to everyone is one of the most exhausting things. It feels like that toy that a lot of us used to play with when you try to fit the shaped blocks into the correct corresponding hole.

    I was the triangle constantly trying to fit in the square hole. 

    I honestly don’t know how I even functioned sometimes in my twenty-plus years on earth with the weight of that on my shoulders. Worrying so much about what people thought or hoping they liked me and having no real sense of my own self.

    From friends to coworkers, to dates or boyfriends, I was always trying to please everyone else but never thought to try please myself first or embrace who I really was.

    It never even occurred to me that it was okay if some people didn’t like me, or if I didn’t have all the right clothes or that I wasn’t physically able to do all the same things that my peers could.

    I didn’t realize that it didn’t make me any less worthy or valuable of a person if someone didn’t like me or if I wasn’t “perfect.”

    That if a guy wasn’t interested or someone didn’t want to be my friend, that it didn’t mean I was ugly or worthless or needed to fix something about myself.

    I didn’t realize that trying to fit myself into everyone else’s perceptions and society’s perception of “normal” was denying everyone and the world of all my gifts and who I really was. That my disability made me special and gave me a platform to try and help others all over the world with disabilities too.

    That it gave me such a deep capacity for love and empathy that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

    I couldn’t see that people don’t love each other because they’re perfect. They love each other for everything, including the flaws. 

    In fact, I think we love each other in large part because of our flaws. Because we are all human. Because we make mistakes. 

    Our imperfections and our differences are what set us apart and make us unique. When have you ever heard someone say, “I really like that Jackie. She’s just so perfect!”?

    Not caring what other people think and just being is something we all struggle with in one way or another.

    Something I’ve found to be very helpful for connecting with myself and just being is a kind of a brief meditation. Whether I’m driving, at work, on vacation, or just sitting at home, I try to take a few moments each day where I just sit, stop what I’m doing, take a deep breath in, and silence my mind.

    I focus on the blood flowing through my veins or the way my breath feels when I exhale. I just let myself sit there in silence for a few minutes and just enjoy being in my skin, my body, and my spirit. As small as it may seem, it really helps to calm me and get me refocused on myself.

    Learning to embrace yourself and shut out the need to people please or be what everyone else might want us to be is hard and it’s not something that can be an overnight change.

    But learning to accept all of the parts of yourself, including the ones you may not like, is not only the greatest gift you can give to yourself, it’s the greatest gift you can give to the world around you too.

    When you stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks of you and start becoming you, it’s then that you can truly offer the world the most.

    You offer it you in all of your wonderful and unique glory!

    Photo by Jason Rogers

  • Stop Seeking and Start Finding: Create a Near-Perfect Life

    Stop Seeking and Start Finding: Create a Near-Perfect Life

    Seeking WIsdom

    “What could I say to you that would be of value, except that perhaps you seek too much, that as a result of your seeking you cannot find.” ~Herman Hesse

    I have a confession: I hate slowing down. When I finally let myself stop—being alone with my thoughts, vulnerable and open to the world—I become afraid.

    I have another confession: There was a specific time in my life when went through a painful and scary situation. It broke me. And the only way I knew how to cope with my shattered self was to avoid my problems.

    Simply put: If times were hard, I ran.

    I changed schools, moved to different cities, traveled to different countries, and found solace in running, a sport that calls for constant movement. I began seeking specifically for happiness: for the people, the place, and the situation that would help me find the “perfect life.”

    I was a seeker who kept looking for happiness and different ways to “become a better person.” I was searching for a new life that would be “perfect” like the lives I saw on college campuses, TV shows, and Facebook feeds.

    I believed my old life and my old self weren’t good enough, so I had to create a new life that would allow me to start over.

    I pondered getting a Masters in global health, joining a rock band, writing a bestseller, running marathons, making music in West Africa, climbing mountains, and learning how to build lean-to’s.

    I was convinced accomplishing any of these things would make me happy, make me feel deserving, and make me whole again.

    A couple years passed by, and I slowly began to realize that no matter where I went, what I sought out, and the situations I was in, I was still the same exact person inside.

    That’s when I realized if I wanted to find happiness, I had to first understand that the perfect life did not exist, and the acceptance of my past and my imperfections is what creates the near-perfect life. 

    Most importantly, I had to find myself again, which meant I had to stop feverishly seeking.

    We should all go after the things we want; we should be driven to chase after our dreams, embrace new challenges, and go on new adventures. But seeking often means deliberately searching for something that isn’t always meant to be there, or to simply run away from something that can truthfully never escape you.

    By being too tunnel-visioned and too set on a goal—landing the “perfect” job, finding the “perfect partner,” or making the “perfect” group of friends—you may miss out on the less-obvious scenarios that are intended to fill your near-perfect life.

    When on your journey to stop seeking, start finding, and create a life where you are whole-hearted, fulfilled, and accepting, take note of these tips:

    Accept who you are. 

    Know that your core self, and your emotions, outlook, and attitude, will follow you everywhere, no matter what situation you are in. Recognizing the beautiful and imperfect person you are is the first step towards accepting new challenges and allowing new experiences into your life.

    Give yourself options. 

    You may really want one thing—a specific job, a house in a certain part of the country, or certain fame or fortune. But if one of your dreams doesn’t come into fruition, maybe this means that another bigger and better dream is waiting for you. Don’t get discouraged, and allow yourself to be open.

    Be vulnerable. 

    Invite fear, uncertainty, and imperfection into your life. Once you fully open yourself up to the universe, it will allow you to see the incredible number of options for you, and let you try new things to help create the near-perfect life.

    Meditate.  

    Use meditation as a way to be with nothing but your present self. This helps you to slow down and stop seeking, to really get to know your true self and what you feel, want, and need.

    Try again.  

    Things don’t fall into place right away. There will be ten hardships before one celebration. Don’t give up. Be patient.

    Don’t be stagnant.  

    None of these tips mean you should stop moving completely and wait for life to work itself out on its own. Rather, it’s about finding a balance between learning what you want and inviting new opportunities, while recognizing that how you react to life’s situations is in your hands.

    After nearly ten years of seeking, I found my near-perfect life in New York City, the one place I had once swore I’d never move to. I found an apartment with an old friend, and we rekindled a friendship from nearly five years prior. I discovered a support system of friends and family who were always there for me, and one company of hundreds I applied to hired me.

    My time in New York has helped me uncover the happy spirit that was always within me—the spirit that once was simply too tired from my constant seeking to spread its light.

    I’m still not very good at slowing down. I’m happiest when moving, when constantly trying to reach that next tier. But I’m also trying to slow down and breathe—to stop seeking for “better” and start finding myself, allowing my near-perfect life to meet me halfway.

    Photo by 3Drake9

  • The One Thing You Need to Know to Overcome Perfectionism

    The One Thing You Need to Know to Overcome Perfectionism

     “You’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~Brene Brown

    There’s nothing perfect about me, and I’m okay with that… now. This wasn’t the case for most of my life, though. In fact, I’ve been a perfectionist for almost thirty years. I’m not counting the first five years of my life when I was free to be as messy and magical as I wanted.

    In third grade I asked my mom to buy me a stack of lined notebooks and colored pens. I spent hours neatly labeling each notebook by class, date, and assignment deadlines. If I made one mistake, like a jagged cursive letter or a misspelling, I’d rip out the page and begin again on a fresh sheet.

    This was tiring but it was also a compulsion. Everything had to be neat and ordered or else—or else I’d be out of control, scared, and overwhelmed.

    Before the divorce, my parents rarely fought, but my father’s frequent absences and his coolness toward my sister and me sparked a firestorm in me.

    Expressing anger wasn’t a thing in our family, especially for women. That simply wasn’t Christian enough or loving enough or good enough.

    So I denied my anger and my sadness and, most of all, my fear that my family was breaking apart and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

    Inside I burned like coals after a long night’s fire. I never let it get too hot. I played the good child, the loving daughter and sister, but my life was out of control. Thus began my long dance with perfectionism.

    In my twenties I tried to be a perfect girlfriend, perfect student, and perfect employee, all the while denying the expression of my full self, imperfections and all. Even when I dressed the part of the disaffected adolescent, I was perfect at it all the way down to my spiked hair and scuffed Doc Martins.

    At parties, I perfected the art of banter and hosted like no one else. All was accounted for, each detail a way for me to control life.

    I never realized that perfectionism was an attempt to avoid all rejection, all criticism, and all failure. It was a matter of life or death.

    Perfectionism saved me from drowning, but it didn’t help me to swim. I was treading water, staying safe, and desperately trying to control my reality, which is never truly possible. What I realized later was at the heart of perfectionism is the desire for love and acceptance.

    Life is a practice and when we practice we make mistakes. The desire for love and acceptance are universal. There is no shame in mistakes, just an opportunity to learn and to grow.

    No matter the root causes of your perfectionism or your desire for it, know that it is a desire for love and acceptance and there is another path to get there. Maybe your family only showed you love and attention when you did everything right. Or your boss only notices your work when you slave over every detail.

    Maybe you feel the need to challenge yourself to be bigger and do better in your work and your relationships. This is not a bad thing. But there’s a difference between excellence and perfection.

    The One Thing You Need to Know to Overcome Perfectionism

    Surrender.

    When we surrender to the moment, to change, to messiness or imperfection, we allow the seeds of excellence to grow. Excellence is that drive toward raising ourselves up to our own highest good thereby allowing our unique gifts, talents, and personalities to benefit the highest good of all.

    Excellence, unlike perfectionism, is about lovingly pushing ourselves to act, think, relate, and create from the highest part of ourselves.

    Perfectionism is about trying to control the outcome in order to receive love and acceptance. It’s all about fear. Surrender is about accepting where we are at in any moment, knowing that we are a work in progress.

    Love and surrender gently tug us toward our own centers and ultimately to the center of the universe, which only knows love. Surrender also invites self-forgiveness, an act all perfectionists need to practice daily.

    3 Tips to Manage Perfectionism

    1. Laugh.

    About anything. Do it often. Having a sense of humor about ourselves and our actions, especially embarrassing or disappointing experiences, doesn’t have to be a shield or form of protection. Humor can heal or at least create enough dopamine and endorphins to get us through the tough moments.

    2. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Most of all, yourself.

    Forgiveness is actually a selfish act. This is not a bad thing. Forgiveness releases us from fear-based thoughts and emotions. It is the gateway to surrendering our perception of control over our lives and over the actions of others.

    3. Surround yourself by free spirits.

    If you can’t find anyone like that in your circle of friends, then read about them or watch movies about dreamers and risk-takers—people who’ve failed or made huge mistakes only to overcome them and create an even better life than they could have imagined.

    This is why mythology was used to help people transition from one phase of life to another in many cultures. There is power in story and identifying with a character who has gone through many trials and adventures only to re-emerge as the hero.

    After thirty years of perfecting perfectionism, I’ve finally learned to let go of controlling every detail of my life. It’s scary sometimes, and there are days when I want to organize and reorganize my desk instead of facing what’s really bothering me.

    But those difficult, uncomfortable, and challenging moments pass much quicker when I simply exhale and surrender to whatever is in my heart and in my mind. A softening occurs, and my body finally relaxes instead of being constantly braced for struggle.

    I may still compare myself to that social media dynamo who effortlessly attracts a huge following on Facebook or avoid looking at myself as I pass a store window for fear of being disappointed by my reflection, but now I just smile and keep going, knowing that this too shall pass.

  • Imperfection Is Lovable and You Are Enough

    Imperfection Is Lovable and You Are Enough

    “You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~Brene Brown

    We are all perfectly imperfect just as we are.

    Yes, it’s true. Sometimes hard to believe, but always the truth. Believe me.

    I’ve always recognized that I am a perfectionist.

    I was the little girl who wanted to know how to play the piano at my first lesson, how to roller blade the first time I tried, how to do the splits at my first gymnastics class.

    I’ve always wanted to do it right the first time.

    On the one hand, I appreciate my intention to do and be my best at whatever I do, but on the other hand, I see how this mentality has often paralyzed my efforts and prevented me from daring and learning to be brilliant.

    The one practice I’ve committed to in my life, where I’ve been willing to be less than perfect and continue to embrace each day, is yoga.

    The meditative quality, the healing breath, the invigorating movement all resonate with me and remind me to just be where and who I am, in each moment.

    It’s been fifteen years now since I began my yoga practice in an effort to release the tension in my neck that was triggering chronic headaches during my first year studying at UCLA.

    I felt transformed after my very first yoga class and just knew that I would grow and expand with my practice.

    In the beginning, most of my transformation was physical—feeling more relaxed, open, energized, and flexible. In recent years, my practice has guided me to expand my perspective, and I find myself open to understanding life anew.

    I’m discovering new ways of being and of seeing the world.

    Just two months ago I had a revelation.

    I was communicating with a life coach who is an incredible listener, endeavoring to understand why I was constantly feeling challenged in my relationship with my husband. Together, we realized that I was creating the same expectations of perfection for him as I had carried for myself since childhood.

    A memory surfaced: me, around twelve years old, sharing my report card with my father.

    “Why are they not all As?” he questioned unapologetically.

    I glanced at my grades, noticing that I’d earned six A’s and one B+, and said, “I did my best.”

    “I expect all A’s next time,” he firmly instructed.

    “I’ll do better,” I submissively acquiesced.

    And this stuck. The need to do better than my best. The desire to be better than myself. I wanted my father’s approval. I wanted my father’s love. I wanted my father’s attention. And so, I worked even harder and earned a 4.0 GPA each semester.

    But you know what? It was never enough.

    I never felt enough. I never could earn the love and attention that I desperately craved from him. 

    I needed to look within myself.

    Now, some twenty years later, I’m still struggling with my tendency toward perfectionism.

    This insight is life changing: A chance to understand myself better. A reflection of how and why I choose to think and act the way I do. An opportunity to acknowledge that I’ve associated being perfect with being lovable.

    Now, without judgment or criticism for myself or my father, I have the choice to change.

    I can choose to shift my perspective and tell a new story. I choose to embrace a new truth…

    Imperfection is lovable.

    With this knowledge, I see my relationship with myself and with my husband, my children, my family, my friends—with life itself—in a new light.

    We are all imperfect.

    But who wants to be perfect anyway? How boring that would be!

    The most fun is in the growing, in the expansion, in the learning and becoming ever more who we are.

    I release the compulsion to be perfect, to constantly achieve, do more, handle every task on my to-do list immediately.

    I allow myself to be more present, to be in the moment, to remember what matters most: love.

    I can let go of always doing and instead let myself be. I can stop rushing around handling tasks, and allow myself to stop and smell the roses with my daughters, kiss my husband, call a friend, stare in wonder at the beauty of our universe.

    I am worthy of love, I know I belong, I recognize my life has meaning, and I give myself permission to take it easy and just be me.

    I embrace this truth:

    I am good enough. I do enough. I have enough. I work enough. I love enough. I am beautiful enough. I am smart enough.

    I am enough.

    Can you say this to yourself and really mean it? Practice. Notice how it feels.

    With this new perspective, everything blossoms.

    I allow myself to make mistakes without being judgmental.

    I give others space to be imperfect without being critical.

    I allow myself to be me.

    I allow myself to love myself just as I am.

    I allow myself to love others just as they are.

    Whenever I begin to lose focus of this reassuring truth, when I start to feel overwhelmed by all the “shoulds” and judgments in my mind, I sit in stillness in my meditation space.

    I read the words I’ve etched on my chalkboard wall:

    I am enough. Surrender. Live and let live. Imperfection is lovable. Be human.

    Immersed in the sensation of my breath, I choose to focus my mind on these powerful truths. Soon, I relax into the comfort of knowing that all is well. And I begin again the journey of self-love and acceptance.

    I am grateful for being where I am, for all the wisdom and love so many gracious and kind people have shared, and for the powerful practice of yoga that encourages self-awareness and growth.

    I am grateful for the opportunity to recognize the perfection in our imperfection and to use this wisdom to infinitely improve my interactions with the people I love the most.

    Our minds are powerful. Our thoughts are powerful. Our love is powerful.

    Let us choose to focus on the good, appreciate who we are, share our love unconditionally.

    Let us remember that we are enough.

    Let us embrace our value and know we belong.

    Let us always remember that our imperfections are lovable.

    Can you practice loving yourself and others unconditionally today?

    Every beautiful journey and inspiring transformation begins with an intention and moving in the direction of where you hope to be.

    Wishing you ease in loving and freedom to be just who you are.

    Be human. Be perfectly imperfect. Be you. Just be.

  • Scared to Try: Moving Beyond the Paralysis of Perfectionism

    Scared to Try: Moving Beyond the Paralysis of Perfectionism

    “Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” ~Isabel Allende

    I am a recovering perfectionist.

    Up until now, this is the only way I’ve known how to live. The thrilling burn of perfection invaded every aspect of my life to the point that I became paralyzed by fear. If I couldn’t do it right, I didn’t want to do it at all.

    When I was younger, I allowed the desire for perfection to control all of my actions. In music, if I couldn’t sit first chair, I didn’t want to play an instrument at all. In sports, if I couldn’t play first singles, I wanted to put the tennis racket down.

    All of the choices I made reflected back on what I could do perfectly.

    Several things happened.

    First, I was never satisfied. Even when I was the best, I was always looking over my shoulder at someone else who wanted my spot. I also doubted my accomplishments and thought, “Anyone could’ve done this.”

    Second, my admirable drive to succeed transformed into something ugly. I became paralyzed by fear. If I couldn’t play my scales perfectly, I stopped practicing for fear of hitting a wrong note.

    And then the fear turned into anxiety. I fretted about going on auditions because someone who doesn’t know her scales certainly isn’t going to get chosen for first chair. I was stuck between the wanting and the work.

    I wanted to be the best, but I didn’t want to work at something that I might not ever achieve. The threat of failure was too much to bear.

    As I got older, my perfectionism made me more and more miserable. Reasonable goals that were attainable as a child morphed into more challenging goals that were more difficult to achieve as an adult. My ultimate goal: I wanted the perfect life.

    Wanting more, yet full of fear, I continued to eagerly seek the promise of perfection. As if to spite these desires, my world got smaller and smaller. Finally, I stopped taking any action.

    If I couldn’t be a best-selling author, I wasn’t going to write a word. If I couldn’t run as fast as the person next to me, I’d get off the treadmill. If I couldn’t decorate my house just like the pictures in glossy magazines, I wouldn’t put anything on the walls.

    And it got worse. If I couldn’t have the perfect house, I’d live in a cluttered mess. If I couldn’t be the perfect size, I’d stuff my face. If I couldn’t be the fastest and the best and the most perfect and the brightest and the shiniest and the most beautiful, I just wouldn’t do any of it.

    So you see, instead of living comfortably in the middle of perfection and failure, I went completely the other direction. Because my world was black and white—either I was successful in everything that I touched or I was an utter failure. I couldn’t live in the grey space. I couldn’t be happy with my effort—with the thrill of just trying something new.

    Finally, I came to the point where there was only one thing that I wanted to do because I knew I could do it perfectly.

    What was this magic thing that I could do without any threat of failure?

    Walk the dog.

    I could walk that dog for a solid fifteen minutes and do everything right. I’d put on that leash, walk up and down the block, give her time to do her business, pick up the business in a baggie, and return home. I was a solid A dog walker.

    But boy was I unsatisfied.

    I had dreams and passions and hopes and aspirations. But I didn’t dare touch any of those things for fear of failure. I couldn’t bear the sting of defeat.

    So I walked and walked and walked that dog. I was neglecting my other interests, which would pop into my mind and quickly get pushed out, but my joyous, tail-wagging, tongue-lolling dog certainly loved every second of it.

    And then I learned two life-changing lessons.

    My first lesson came from my dog. Just watching her pure joy of life—her contentedness to just be—had a positive effect on me. Instead of focusing on being the best dog on the block, she drank in the sunshine and set her sights on appreciating her surroundings.

    That contented dog has taught me more about life that I ever thought possible.

    My second lesson came from a day at our town’s street fair. The organizers brought in a rock-climbing wall, and I plopped down near the wall to eat a snack. I watched the kids excitedly scurry to the top and come whizzing back down.

    One girl, about ten years old, made her way to the front of the line. She got strapped into a harness and approached the wall.

    What came next was painful to watch. She tried climbing the wall and stumbled again and again. One step up, one step down.

    She couldn’t grab a foothold, and the other kids waiting their turn started to become anxious. To my amazement, she didn’t seem to notice her detractors. One step up, one step down.

    She went on like this—without making an ounce of a progress—for a good ten minutes. By this point, the kids behind her became loud and restless. They wanted her to stop trying—to stop wasting everyone’s time.

    But she kept on. One step up, one step down. Watching her perseverance, something I didn’t have at my age and certainly didn’t have at eight years old, made me cry.

    I was so proud of this little girl—this stranger who reminded me of the person I wish I had been. Even if I couldn’t be the best, I wish I tried.

    Finally, tired and sweaty, she backed away from the wall. Instead of looking defeated, she had a huge smile on her face. She turned around and ran towards her mom.

    “Mom,” she cried. “I almost did it! Can I try again later?”

    And with those simple words, I was a changed person—a recovering perfectionist.

  • 7 Tips to Challenge Perfectionism: Enjoy More and Worry Less

    7 Tips to Challenge Perfectionism: Enjoy More and Worry Less

    “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.” ~Anne Lamott

    I originally planned to write this post a month ago. The topic was interesting, and it was one that I was sure most people could relate to. I mean, who hasn’t wrestled with the issue of perfectionism at some point?

    One after another, notions and examples of perfectionism flowed steadily from my mind onto my notepad. And when I ran those ideas by a few friends, each of them shared their own stories about how the need to be perfect at something had negatively affected their lives.

    Simply put, there was no shortage of material, and this post, I just knew, would be a breeze to write. A slam-dunk. A no brainer.

    Until I sat down at the keyboard. When I tried to weave my thoughts into a coherent post, the flow slowed to a trickle. Then, it just stopped. I was frozen, scattered, and unsure of how or where to begin.

    “You’re such a perfectionist!”

    I had fallen victim, yet again, to my own brand of perfectionism—the kind where I scrutinize every thought/phrase/sentence/punctuation mark circling through my head. The kind where everything has to be perfect, even before it’s typed onto the screen.

    If I was going to write this post, it had to be witty, intelligent, and insightful. But in my attempts to get there, I became frustrated, anxious, and creatively blocked. In my effort to be perfect, I nearly missed my deadline.

    Deep down, I’ve always felt proud to be known as a perfectionist. Working diligently to deliver excellence, being highly organized and detail oriented has served me well. All the while, however, I’ve often felt plagued, rendered semi-paralyzed, rooted in fear—petrified to take that leap for fear of making a mistake, for fear of failure.

    Am I, perhaps, more rigid, obsessive, and controlling than I’ve realized?

    Bottom line: The dividing line between admirably high standards and the painful distress of perfectionism is exceedingly thin. Alas, I’ve officially arrived at paradox junction.

    It’s time to determine when perfectionism pays off and when it becomes the villain, the saboteur.

    So wait: Perfectionism isn’t a good thing? (more…)

  • Start Building Confidence in Yourself Without Trying to Be Perfect

    Start Building Confidence in Yourself Without Trying to Be Perfect

    Screen shot 2013-02-19 at 5.57.23 PM

    “The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” ~James Allen

    I know now that I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t even have to try to be perfect. I used to think that things did not come to me because I did not try hard enough. Not true!

    The truth was, I was sabotaging myself.

    In college in Switzerland, instead of going to that school event or even answering the people who tried to talk to me, I shut myself down and ignored people.

    I was afraid of being rejected so I rejected life first. I did not think that I had anything to offer the world. I wasted a tremendous opportunity to see that world and meet unique people.

    It was only when I graduated that I realized that everything I wanted was knocking at my door, and I was choosing not to answer. Then I knew I had to change.

    I had to find something to believe in—and I was that something. I also ultimately had to forgive myself for repressing myself for so long. This is a journey that I am still on.

    I destroyed my early journals, wrought with misdirected messages, but writing once again became my resolve. A chance reading of a book on Zen changed my outlook as I began to meditate and calm my mind.

    Meditation is so powerful; it allows you to embody you, as you are. You see and feel yourself, and know deep down that you are alright. From that place of peace you can find the seeds of change.

    From there I started to build my life. I joined an amateur theater company, found a job I loved, got into and finished graduate school, and began to write on a new blog. Now I have to the bravery of self-reflection, the support of friends around the world, and the beginnings of my PhD in Humanities.

    I am far from perfect, but I am happy. (more…)

  • 3 Tips to Escape the Perfectionism Trap and Feel Good Enough

    3 Tips to Escape the Perfectionism Trap and Feel Good Enough

    Looking Down

    “I have done my best. That is all the philosophy of living one needs.” ~Lin-yutang

    Perfectionism—the word brings to mind images of order and organization, of effectiveness and efficiency. This is what society expects from a “perfectionist,” and this is what is projected as desirable and attainable. There is an aspirational value to being a “perfectionist.”

    Many people believe that perfectionistic tendencies motivate people to do their best and achieve their goals.

    However, I can vouch for the fact that it actually feels like being caught in a trap. There is a feeling of suffocation and dread at not being able to escape. The joy of living is sucked out leaving one feeling inadequate and incompetent all the time.

    I don’t remember how or when I fell into the trap. All I know is that I have suffered the pain of trying to be the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect sister, the perfect friend, so on and so forth.

    And I remember the exact moment when I realized I was trapped.

    It was when I was fifteen and in the tenth grade. In India, the tenth grade examinations are considered extremely important. These are the examinations that would decide whether or not I got into a college of my choice.

    I always did well academically, and needless to say there were expectations from those around me to perform well in these exams. I had to live up to these expectations—or so I thought.

    That thought was enough to drive me into what was unarguably the darkest period of my life. As a teenager I was already dealing with issues of body image, being bullied, and trying to make friends. Added to this mix, my desire to excel academically pushed me over the edge.

    I cried myself to sleep. I had suicidal thoughts. I wanted to run away from home.

    I rebelled against my parents. I magnified even the smallest of my mistakes and obsessed over imagined flaws in my personality. I simply wasn’t good enough. 

    I was constantly depressed and wouldn’t tell anyone why. This worried my parents, especially my mother. She took me to see a guru she trusted in the hope that maybe he could help me.

    The guru, a kind and wise man, just asked me one question. (more…)

  • Does Your Day Start Out Perfect and Then Fall Apart?

    Does Your Day Start Out Perfect and Then Fall Apart?

    “He is able who thinks he is able.” ~Buddha

    I really needed to finish up a task. I’d already spent five more days than the one I’d estimated it would take. My boss was getting edgy; my co-workers were looking at me funny.

    Every day I’d come in, have my plan-of-attack all thought out. It should have progressed well—quickly even. And then something would happen.

    One day, the computer hardware I was using for months suddenly stopped and wouldn’t turn on. (Motherboard bad—two days.)

    Another day, the software I installed, which runs flawlessly on several other systems, randomly crashed with no strong indication of why. Google revealed that others had encountered this same problem, but with no resolution. (Rebuild entire server from scratch and pray that somehow fixes things—two days and counting.)

    And that’s ignoring the myriad interruptions from co-workers needing help, the meetings, the doctor appointments, the sick kids—it just goes on and on.

    And, seriously, it always seems like none of my co-workers encounter these kinds of issues (as many, as thorny, as perfect-storm-like as me). It must be that if I were a better employee/parent/human being, I wouldn’t encounter them either.

    Seriously. That’s what it feels like. I am somehow flawed in this cosmic way. I am somehow causing, or at least not preventing, this stuff from happening.

    I’m in a weekly men’s group. One guy there is the poster child for this issue, even more than me. He seems to encounter this type of “opposition” (from circumstances and co-workers) so much that it can actually make him unwilling to get out of bed in the morning to face the onslaught.

    He’s been this way ever since he entered the group a couple years ago. Until three weeks ago. (more…)