“To be happy with yourself, you’ve got to lose yourself now and then.” ~Bob Genovesi
At a holiday party last December, I ran into a friend from college who I hadn’t seen in twenty years.
“What’s going on with you? You look great!”
“Oh, well… My mother passed away and my husband and I divorced.”
“Oh Jeez! I’m so sorry,” he said. “That’s a lot! So, why do you look so great?”
Perhaps it wasn’t the greatest party conversation, but I did with it smile.
“It was the hardest year of my life, but I’m getting through it and that makes me feel good.”
Sure, what he didn’t know was that I had spent many weeks with the blinds closed. I cried my way through back-to-back TV episodes on Netflix.
I knitted three sweaters, two scarves, a winter hat, and a sweater coat.
I had too many glasses of wine as I danced around in my living room to pop music, pretending I was still young enough to go to clubs.
And at times it was hard to eat, but damn if I didn’t look good in those new retail-therapy skinny jeans.
Another friend of mine lost his father last spring. When he returned from the East Coast, I knew he would be in shock at re-entry. I invited him over for a bowl of Italian lentil and sausage soup.
As we ate in my kitchen nook, he spoke of the pain of the loss of his father, and even the anger at his friends who, in social situations, avoided talking to him directly about his loss.
Looking down at my soup, I said, “Grief is a big bowl to hold. It takes so many formations, so many textures and colors. You never know how or when it will rear its head and take a hold of you. Sometimes you cry unfathomably, some days you feel guilty because you haven’t cried, and in other moments you are so angry or filled with anxiety you just don’t know what to do.”
Grief is one of those emotions that have a life of their own. It carries every feeling within it and sometimes there’s no way to discern it. (more…)