Tag: opinions

5 Powerful Mindset Shifts to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think
“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” ~Lao Tzu

We carefully pick out what we wear to the gym to make sure we look good in the eyes of the other gymgoers.

We beat ourselves up after meetings, running through everything we said (or didn’t say), worried that coworkers will think we aren’t smart or talented enough.

We post only the best picture out of the twenty-seven selfies we took and add a flattering filter to get the most likes to prove to ourselves that we are pretty and likable.

We live in other people’s heads.

And all it does is make us judge ourselves more harshly. It makes us uncomfortable in our bodies. It makes us feel apologetic for being ourselves. It makes us live according to our perception of other people’s standards.

It makes us feel inauthentic. Anxious. Judgmental. Not good enough. Not likable enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough.

F that sh*t.

The truth is, other people’s opinions of us are none of our business. Their opinions have nothing to do with us and everything to do with them, their past, their judgments, their expectations, their likes, and their dislikes.

I could stand in front of twenty strangers and speak on any topic. Some of them will hate what I’m wearing, some will love it. Some will think I’m a fool, and others will love what I have to say. Some will forget me as soon as they leave, others will remember me for years.

Some will hate me because I remind them of their annoying sister-in-law. Others will feel compassionate toward me because I remind them of their daughter. Some will completely understand what I have to say, and others will misinterpret my words.

Each of them will get the exact same me. I will do my best and be the best I can be in that moment. But their opinions of me will vary. And that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

No matter what I do, some people will never like me. No matter what I do, some people will always like me. Either way, it has nothing to do with me. And it’s none of my business.

Ok, “that’s all well and good,” you may be thinking. “But how do I stop caring what other people think of me?”

1. Know your values.

Knowing your top core values is like having a brighter flashlight to get you through the woods. A duller light may still get you where you need to go, but you’ll stumble more or be led astray.

With a brighter light, the decisions you make—left or right, up or down, yes or no—become clearer and easier to make.

For years I had no idea what I truly valued, and I felt lost in life as a result. I never felt confident in my decisions, and I questioned everything I said and did.

Doing core values work on myself has made a huge impact on my life. I came to realize that “compassion” is my top core value. Now when I find myself questioning my career decisions because I’m worried about disappointing my parents (a huge trigger for me), I remind myself that “compassion” also means “self-compassion,” and I’m able to cut myself some slack.

If you value courage and perseverance and you show up at the gym even though you are nervous and have “lame” gym clothes, you don’t have to dwell on what the other gymgoers think about you.

If you value inner peace and you need to say “no” to someone who is asking for your time, and your plate is already full to the max, you can do so without feeling like they will judge you for being a selfish person.

If you value authenticity and you share your opinion in a crowd, you can do so with confidence knowing that you are living your values and being yourself.

Know your core values and which ones you value the most. Your flashlight will be brighter for it.

2. Know to stay in your own business.

Another way to stop caring about what other people think is to understand that there are three types of business in the world. This is a lesson I learned from Byron Katie, and I love it.

The first is God’s business. If the word “God” isn’t to your liking, you can use another word here that works for you, like the universe or nature. I think I like nature better, so I’ll use that.

The weather is nature’s business. Who dies and who is born is nature’s business. The body and genes you were given are nature’s business. You have no place in nature’s business. You can’t control it.

The second type of business is other people’s business. What they do is their business. What your neighbor thinks of you is his business. What time your coworker comes into work is her business. If the driver in the other car doesn’t go when the light turns green, it’s their business.

The third type of business is your business.

If you get angry with the other driver because you now have to wait at another red light, that’s your business.

If you get irritated because your coworker is late again, that’s your business.

If you are worried about what your neighbor thinks of you, that’s your business.

What they think is their business. What you think (and in turn, feel) is your business.

Whose business are you in when you’re worried about what you’re wearing? Whose business are you in when you dwell on how your joke was received at the party?

You only have one business to concern yourself with—yours. What you think and what you do are the only things you can control in life. That’s it.

3. Know that you have full ownership over your feelings.

When we base our feelings on other people’s opinions, we are allowing them to control our lives. We’re basically allowing them to be our puppet master, and when they pull the strings just right, we either feel good or bad.

If someone ignores you, you feel bad. You may think, “She made me feel this way by ignoring me.” But the truth is, she has no control over how you feel.

She ignored you, and you assigned meaning to that action. To you, that meant that you were not worth her time, or you were not likable enough, smart enough, or cool enough.

Then you felt sad or mad because of the meaning you applied. You had an emotional reaction to your own thought.

When we give ownership of our feelings over to others, we give up control over our emotions. The fact of the matter is, the only person that can hurt your feelings is you.

To change how other people’s actions make you feel, you only need to change a thought. This step sometimes takes a bit of work because our thoughts are usually automatic or even on the unconscious level, so it may take some digging to figure out what thought is causing your emotion.

But once you do, challenge it, question it, or accept it. Your emotions will follow.

4. Know that you are doing your best.

One of the annoying things my mom would say growing up (and she still says) is “You did the best you could with what you had at the time.”

I hated that saying.

I had high standards of myself, and I always thought that I could have done better. So when I didn’t meet those expectations, my inner bully would come out and beat the crap out of me.

How much of your life have you spent kicking yourself because you thought you said something dumb? Or because you showed up late? Or that you looked weird?

Every time, you did the best you could. Every. Single. Time.

That’s because everything we do has a positive intent. It may not be obvious, but it’s there.

Literally as I’m writing this post sitting in a tea shop in Portland, Maine, another patron went to the counter and asked what types of tea he could blend with his smoky Lapsang Souchong tea (a favorite of mine as well).

He hadn’t asked me, but I chimed in that maybe chaga mushroom would go well because of its earthy flavor. He seemed unimpressed with the unsolicited advice and turned back to the counter.

The old me would have taken that response to heart and felt terrible the rest of the afternoon, thinking how this guy must think I’m a dope and annoying for jumping into the conversation uninvited.

But let’s take a look at what I had in that moment:
- I had an urge to try to be helpful and a core value of kindness and compassion.
- I had an interest in the conversation.
- I had an impression that my feedback might be well received.
- I had a desire to connect with a new person on a shared interest.
I did the best I could with what I had.

Because I know that, I have no regrets. I also know that his opinion of me is none of my business, and I was living in tune with my values, trying to be helpful!

Though, I could also see how, from another perspective, forcing my way into a conversation and pushing my ideas on someone who did not ask may have been perceived as rude. And rudeness goes against my core value of compassion.

That leads me to the next lesson.

5. Know that everyone makes mistakes.

We live in a culture where we don’t often talk about how we feel. It turns out we all experience the same feelings, and we all make mistakes. Go figure!

Even if you are living in tune with your values, even if you are staying in your own business, even if you are doing your best, you will make mistakes. Without question.

So what? We all do. We all have. Having compassion for yourself comes easier when you understand that everyone has felt that way. Everyone has gone through it.

The only productive thing you can do with your mistakes is to learn from them. Once you figure out the lesson you can take from the experience, rumination is not at all necessary, and it’s time to move on.

In the case of the tea patron-interjection debacle, I could have done a better job of reading his body language and noticed that he wanted to connect with the tea sommelier and not a random stranger.

Lesson learned. No self-bullying required.

At my last company I accidentally caused a company-wide upset. A friend and coworker of mine, who had been at the company for a few years, had been asking to get a better parking spot. One became available as someone left the company, but he still was passed over.

He’s such a nice guy, and as my department was full of sarcastics, I thought it would be funny to create a pun-filled petition for him to get the better spot.

I had no idea that it was going to be taken so poorly by some people. It went up the chain of command, and it looked like our department was full of unappreciative, needy whiners.

And our boss thought it looked like I used my position to coerce people into signing it. He brought the whole department together and painfully and uncomfortably called out the whole terrible situation and demanded it never happen again.

I. Was. MORTIFIED.

He hadn’t named me, but most people knew I created it. I was so embarrassed and ashamed.

But here’s what I did:
1. I reminded myself of my values. I value compassion and humor. I thought I was doing a kind but funny act for a friend.
2. When I found myself worrying about what other people must now think of me, I told myself that if they thought poorly of me (of which I had no evidence), all I could do was to continue to be my best me.
3. When flashbacks of that awful meeting came back to mind, flushing my face full of heat and shame, I remembered to take ownership over how I felt and not let the memory of the event or what other people think dictate how I feel now.
4. I reminded myself that I did the best I could with what I had at the time. I had a desire to help a friend and an idea I thought was funny and assumed would go over well.
5. I realized that I made a mistake. The lesson I learned was to be more considerate of how others may receive my sense of humor. Not everyone finds me as funny as my husband does. I can make better decisions now because of it.
And after a short time, the whole incident was forgotten.

Stop worrying about what other people think. It will change your life.
May 13, 2025
10 Highly Sensitive People Share What Helps Them Take the Sting Out of Criticism

Criticism can be especially hard for highly sensitive people because we try so hard and we care so much. It’s really fascinating how much it can affect HSPs in particular.

I want to share that because it normalizes our experience, to know we’re not alone in how we experience things. I certainly have developed some tools to help with criticism but can still be impacted at times.

On an anonymous survey I posted, someone wrote that they find my voice so shrill that they could not stand listening to me. I felt the sting.

But it’s important to realize criticisms are opinions that vary from person to person, and therefore, we have to be careful about what we take in and what we believe. To provide an example of that, many others have shared my voice is soothing, calm, and nurturing. Notice how opposite those opinions are?

So the next time you receive criticism, I want you to remember this example and know that criticism has nothing to do with us personally and usually comes from a painful place inside another. People are going to have many different types of opinions. What’s important is that we don’t soak them in.

It’s helped a lot to do my own personal growth work and build my self-esteem. When my self-esteem was low, criticisms knocked me down hard, and for a long time. When I had no personal value, I believed the criticism.

It took time to build up my sense of self, and it will take time to build yours if that’s an issue for you too.

When you feel the sting, acknowledge it and give yourself some compassion. Remind yourself of your value and your intentions. Also, focus on some positives about you so that negativity bias of the brain doesn’t take over. Remember, it takes eight positives to neutralize one negative.

Not everyone is going to like us, and that’s okay. What’s important is that we learn to love and support our sensitive hearts and know our intentions come from good places.

I don’t think anyone is completely immune to the impacts of criticism. Case in point, here’s what some HSPs in my Sensitive Empowerment Community commented after reading some of my thoughts on criticism:

1. The power of self-compassion

“I remember when I would be hurt when I was a kid my mom would tell me to ‘get over it.’ I remember that being invalidating, unhelpful, and actually hurt me more. I think it would be powerful to teach our sensitive children the art of self-compassion. Can you imagine a whole generation of sensitive children raised with self-compassion? I have found that skill to be one of the best things that I’ve developed. It helps me with everything now. I think that it’s probably a tool that we can constantly sharpen.”

2. The importance of self-care

“Criticism is still extremely hard on me to the point where it will put me out of commission for a minute (or days even). I’m working on not letting others’ criticism flatten me. I just know, when my rest and my health are in order, it’s much easier to shake it off. When I feel criticized, I’m starting to immediately make a list of people who support me and think differently than people who criticize me and speak unkindly.”

3. It’s more about them than us

“I find criticism extremely difficult. For me, there is a family wound around criticism, so I can have a deep, painful reaction. Self-compassion has really helped me work through those reactions. I heard something once that often comes to my mind these days—what someone says about us tells us more about them and how they see the world than it is information about us. I find this really helpful because I used to take every single thing someone said about me as truth, but seeing that people are seeing us through the lens of all their wounds and experiences takes the sting away a bit.”

4. Perfectionism vs. our innate drive for excellence

“What you said resonated so much with me (and a big yes to the knife in the heart analogy!)— especially that the desire to avoid criticism is what has caused or contributed to your perfectionism. I feel exactly the same way. Now I work really hard on trying to figure out when something is just my innate drive for excellence or when it’s more a perfectionism driven by fear/avoidance.”

5. How it helps to build our self-esteem

“I used to hold onto criticism much more when I was younger, and it hurt terribly. Working on myself and building up my self-esteem was integral to healing. I used to work with a boss who was critical of everything I did, and I dreaded going to work every day. One day I decided to begin therapy, and soon I built up enough energies to apply to graduate school. Once I got in, I put n my two-weeks notice. Going back to school was an investment in myself.”

6. Other people’s opinions are none of our business

“This is still something I’m working on for myself, although I’ve had huge growth in this area. I once read somewhere or heard someone say that ‘what other people think of you is none of your business,’ and I try to remember that if I get that sting.”

7. People who criticize often lack courage

“Criticism can indeed be hurtful. It can be good to remember that people who criticize are often either unaware of how much work you put into doing that which they are criticizing, or they are taking out their own frustration on you. For many people, it’s more ‘comfortable’ to criticize others who have the courage to do something than to actually do something themselves.”

8. Criticism isn’t always true

“I’ve come a long way working with the deep sting of criticism and feeling the knife in my heart. There are moments I still feel the deep sting, but it doesn’t ‘take me out’ in the way it used to. Often, I ask myself ‘is this really true what they said?’ That helps me to come back to myself, along with breathing. I am soothed when I see the criticism is simply not about me! A work in progress going forward.”

9. Hurt people hurt people

“Criticism is so hard, especially because everybody wants to be accepted and respected for who they are, and the judgments of others can be hard to bear. Depending on our mindset and self-acceptance/self-confidence, it can make us see ourselves as less than if we do not have the right tools in place. I always try to remember the simple truth that ‘hurt people hurt people.’”

10. When criticism gets to you, it’s because you care

“I found it quite emotional reading all the posts and having my intense and long-lasting reaction to criticism normalized. I have struggled with this for a long time. I had a similar thing to you, Julie, with a comment in a survey. It was a really mean, unthoughtful commentf about a presentation I gave, and coming from someone well respected in my field of work, it was hard to take and still gets to me years later. It is helping so much to reframe it as an issue they have rather than a failing of mine! It’s a very empowering feeling. I am also trying to celebrate the fact I find criticism hard knowing that it’s because I care so deeply about doing things well and with care.”

What about you? What helps you take the sting off criticism?

**Some of the community comments have been edited for clarity and grammar.

January 8, 2023
8 Ways to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think of You

“You can’t force anyone to value, respect, understand, or support you, but you can choose to spend your time around people who do.” ~Lori Deschene

It can be paralyzing.

The worry about what other people think about you, I mean. That worry can hinder you from pursuing your dreams. It can stop you from expressing your true nature and stand in the way of the life you so badly want to create.

This worry can easily get your mind wandering to dark places and trigger feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and self-doubt. When it has a grip on you, you do anything to avoid rejection, ridicule, and potential embarrassment. Better to be unseen than negatively judged, right?

You know that you shouldn’t worry about what others think of you. But that’s just easier said than done.

For a long time, I felt stuck because I was afraid of other people’s opinions. Due to this fear, I was terrified of pursuing a new career path. Eventually, I reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore.

I knew I had to deal with the fear and worry of other people’s judgment, or I wouldn’t be able to live the life I wanted. And I was not willing to compromise on that—neither should you.

To help you move past the fear of other people’s opinions, I’ve put together a list of ideas that have helped me. Use this list as your go-to whenever your worries about what other people’s opinions get the best of you.

1. Know that you’re not a mind reader.

I used to assume that I knew what other people thought of me. But assumptions often lead to bad conclusions.

When I left my corporate job to travel and pursue my own entrepreneurial endeavor, I was afraid of ex-colleagues judging my decision. I thought they would see me as naive, reckless, or foolish for making that decision.

Turned out I couldn’t have been more wrong. During the following months and years, many of them became my greatest supporters! Some said I was brave for walking my own path, others opened up about their desires to do something similar. The takeaway here is: You never know what people think about you unless you give them a chance to speak.

2. Understand that it’s never about you.

This has been a game-changer for me! Hear this: Another person’s judgment about you is never about you—it’s about them. It’s a reflection of their fears, limitations, and perceptions.

One of the closest people in my life told me that I was making a mistake by quitting my corporate job to start my own business.

First, I felt that he judged me and didn’t support my decision. Later on, I realized that his reaction was a mirror of his beliefs, fears, and view on the world. For him, staying at a corporate job meant security, safety, and a good life.

When I realized that he always had my best interest at heart, I felt nothing but compassion and love for him. To make sure you navigate your choices right, ask yourself: What do I want? What is the right thing for me to do?

3. Stop judging yourself.

Many times, we’re so aware of what we find awkward about ourselves that we look for others to confirm our beliefs. So, the judgment we fear from others is really a reflection of what we judge ourselves for. Sneaky, right?

Be honest with yourself, what do you judge yourself for? It can be related to your health, career, relationship status, living situation, or looks. Then ask yourself why you judge yourself for this. What beliefs are driving the judgments? Do you believe it’s wrong to prioritize career over family? Do you believe it’s bad to be the center of attention?

Once you challenge these beliefs and stop judging yourself, you’ll be able to make peace with who you are and the choices you’ve made, good and bad. Once you’ve reached acceptance, you won’t fear the judgment of others because you stand behind yourself.

4. Stop judging others.

The more we judge others, the more we tend to believe that they judge us. It’s a vicious cycle. So, instead of judging others for their choices, character, religious views, ways to dress, or something else, choose to be curious about the differences and diversity.

Ask yourself what you can learn from this person? Why this person is in a certain way? Maybe there are reasons for it. As Wayne Dyer said, “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”

5. Use your worry as guidance.

What is it that you worry other people will judge you for? Perhaps it’s your job position, living situation, relationship status, insecurities, looks, or intelligence. That worry tells you there’s either something you need to accept and make peace with or something you need to change.

For example, maybe you can start pursuing a new career path that feels more aligned with your values. Or maybe you can choose to view your situation today as a stepping stone to something better. When you approve of yourself and your life, other people’s opinions won’t matter as much.

6. Expect reactions from others.

Instead of trying to avoid getting reactions from others, expect them! If you try a new plant-based diet, change career paths, or decide to go all-in on that geeky hobby of yours, expect people to say something about it. And take it as a good sign because it means you’re doing what’s right for you, even though people will have opinions about it.

As Aristotle said, “There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” And that’s not you, right? You are here to live to the fullest, follow what excites you, and be the incredible person that you are.

7. Focus on long-term happiness.

Judgment and criticism from others can hurt. But it will never hurt as much as regret. Do you know what most people regret on their deathbed? This: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

Be willing to take judgment and criticism in the short term, in exchange for what will serve you long term. Focus on living life true to yourself and not on the life others expect of you.

8. Approve of yourself.

Acceptance of yourself is what it all comes down to, right? Once you approve of yourself, you stop worrying about other people’s opinions. You have the one approval that matters most: your own.

Look at your imperfections, flaws, and the choices you wish you had made differently and accept it all. Know that you are enough. Know that you’ve done the best you can, from where you once were. We all want you to be the person you are meant to be—including the quirks, flaws, and imperfections.

—

Living with the worry that other people will judge you is hard. It can keep you stuck, paralyzed, and separated from the life you want to live.

It’s time to take your power back. Use this list, choose one or two points that resonate, and practice them. Then, once you’re ready, come back to the list and choose another point.

Stop living in accordance with other people’s expectations and start living life true to yourself.

Now, go out and show the world what you’re made of. We are waiting eagerly.

January 5, 2021
How I Went From the Pain of People-Pleasing to the Freedom of Being Me

“How hurtful it can be to deny one’s own true self and live a life of lies just to appease others.” ~June Ahern

Growing up I felt lost, separate, and different from everyone else in my family. After all, everyone else was a fit; they pursued the same hobbies, had the same aspirations, and even thought in the same way (everything was very black and white with hardly any grey areas). I was interested, it seemed, in everything they were not interested in.

I had a different way of looking at the world. Any task I was asked to do I did my way, which, of course, was wrong and not fast enough. No matter how hard I tried to please, to get attention, to be listened to, I failed.

When my parents weren’t judging, criticizing, and shouting at me, I felt invisible to them. Because I believed everything they said to me and about me, and sensed that I was a disappointment to them, a part of me slowly started to give up. When my grandparents supported and encouraged me, especially when they realized I had an interest and talent for athletics, I felt great.

As far as my dad was concerned, it didn’t matter whether I succeeded or failed. He managed to find something wrong with everything I did.

Because I put so much importance and belief in what he said, instead of feeling proud of what I had achieved, I felt empty, not good enough, and like there was something wrong with me. To say I had low self-esteem would be an understatement.

In my early twenties, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, so, still trying desperately to fit in and please them, I ended up working in a bank. They thought this was a respectable job, but I hated it.

Over time I realized I didn’t know myself or what I wanted anymore. I’d lost contact with how I truly felt. I tried to be someone that they would accept, until I realized that person didn’t exist and couldn’t be found.

I sought fulfillment in external things, buying clothes I didn’t need and drinking too much at parties.

I often became disappointed with friends, because I relied too heavily on their judgments and opinions to feel okay in the world. I put huge expectations on others to give me the love and acceptance I didn’t have for myself. My self-worth and confidence depended solely on what other people felt and said.

I put too much pressure on myself to reach a perfection that didn’t exist. I often felt anxious, had panic attacks, or just felt a sort of paralysis when I tried to do things that I really wanted to do, and wanted to do well, because I feared I couldn’t get it right. In fact, I felt like this whenever the real me would try to sneak through and show up.

But not taking action and always checking and worrying whether I had offended anyone or said or done the wrong thing just left me feeling sad. Somewhere deep inside of me I knew I could do something worthwhile, if only I could break this cycle.

It took a long time, but eventually I realized that I couldn’t find what I needed from anyone or anything else until I found it within myself first.

I realized that only I could fill the void and emptiness inside. Being a people pleaser in order to be liked just made me feel resentful. I had to stop blaming other people for things that happened and the way I felt, which, I admit, was not easy to do.

Slowly, over time, I faced the fact that I am responsible for my own decisions—no one else can make me do anything I don’t want to do—and I don’t have to put so much weight on other people’s opinions or believe my own criticisms, judgments, and negative thoughts.

I realized that thoughts are not facts but simply words we use to try to make sense of the world. And our choice of words can determine how we feel about a situation. I could choose my words, my thoughts, and thus my feelings.

I knew I had to find ways to listen to myself, not everyone else, and deal with my anxiety. After all, at best, others’ opinions are just that—opinions, which are based on their thoughts, perceptions, and judgments rather than facts. Here’s what helped me do just that.

Learning To Listen To Myself And Tapping Into My Inner Wisdom

Whenever I felt anxiety about what other people think, instead of resisting it I allowed it to be present. I used my breath to ride the wave of emotion, by breathing deeply and slowly into my belly. I welcomed the emotion by really feeling it, noticing where it was in my body, and being curious.

At the same time I started to become aware of any thoughts and judgments that came up. As I listened I brought my attention back to my breathing, so as to not indulge and engage with various thoughts. This prevented me from getting lost in specific thoughts and feelings.

I found that, with practice, the feelings would subside and I’d feel calmer and better able to observe and be aware of how unsupportive most of these thoughts were. I practiced various forms of meditation, in particular a kundalini Yoga meditation called Kirtan Kriya – Sa Ta Na Ma Mirabai Ceiba. I found doing this meditation everyday for at least forty days very helpful.

This meditation helped me feel balanced and neutral, neither very happy nor sad, nor any other emotion.

From this neutral position I could observe and be a witness to what I was automatically thinking, formerly without conscious awareness. I quickly realized how crazy some of my thoughts were, and in the realizing I could let go of their hold on me.

Being able to observe and be the witness to what was going on inside my mind, not engaging with unsupportive thoughts, and allowing the feelings to come and go, enabled me to feel calm and centered and to see things from different angles.

This practice also started to give me the time and space to decide how I wanted to respond, rather than react instantly without awareness.

Over time I learned a lot about myself. Most importantly I learned to like, love, respect, accept, and forgive myself. I was able to stop beating myself up, cease being my harshest judge and critic, and start allowing myself to take action.

This helped me discover what I loved and didn’t love doing. I allowed myself to make mistakes and concentrate on what really interested me, by allowing myself to do more of what I wanted to do. As I got in touch with who I really am, I found I had more unconditional love and tolerance for others.

I felt happier, clearer, more emotionally and mentally resilient, and more connected to myself and others. And I was less thrown by life’s challenges. I was able to trust myself and my intuition, which made making decisions easier. I can handle my family now, no matter how they choose to show up.

Most of the time I am able to respond in the way I choose to, authentically, assertively, and with compassion, my self-respect and self-worth in tact. I am me, and that feels freeing.

If you also give too much weight to other people’s opinions, worry about getting their approval, and beat yourself up in your head, perhaps meditation can help you too. Learning to sit with your feelings and observe your thoughts, instead of believing and acting on everything that pops through your head, is the key to making peace with yourself. And making peace with yourself it the key to living the life you want to live, regardless of what other people think.

February 4, 2019
Why I Believe That Feeling Offended Is a Choice

“The feeling of being ‘offended’ is a warning indicator that is showing you where to look within yourself for unresolved issues.” ~Bryant McGill

As I ponder back over my forty-odd years on this planet, I can’t really remember going lengths of time without feeling offended. By someone’s words, or actions. It was simply my default reaction.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t enjoy it. Feeling offended never feels good. Ever. There’s always a sting. Which is probably why the (many) “feeling offended” memories are so prominent. And clear.

Some of them were simple and relatively unimportant.

Like the time I was sharing some important insight with my (then) partner. I was mid-sentence and fully engaged emotionally only to be cut short as he decided to take an incoming call from his ex-wife. And promptly left the room.

Yup, I took offense.

Or what about the time, more recently, when I discovered I’d been “unfriended” by one of my oldest friends on Facebook? No explanation offered. Just gone.

Yup, I took (major) offense to that too.

As I reach further into my treasure chest of memories, there are also those bigger “feeling-offended” moments. Those that had a more reaching impact on me. That made me question myself. My values. My self-worth.

My daughter’s dad left the country when she was three. My relationship with him was difficult, so I’ll admit I was relieved. It did mean, however, that I was to be a single parent in every sense of the word.

And I took that role seriously. I was young and naïve, but I did my best with what I knew and felt proud of each parenting milestone.

Her dad, on the other hand, showed up annually for a week or two, created a bit of emotional upheaval, and then left. Again. His input (emotionally and financially) was limited.

I was left to make all the decisions—important or not—and I liked that. It felt free. Independent.

When my daughter was about ten, I decided to move her into a different schooling system, one that I felt she would thrive in. Her dad caught wind of this and decided he had the right to interfere. And he did.

What followed was an unforgettable telephonic conversation, wherein I was lambasted for my somewhat shortsightedness in her educational needs, as well as in my general parenting too!

I. WAS. OFFENDED.

Who wouldn’t be! Right?

And boy, did I wallow in that pit of self-indignant injustice! For weeks!

Just who did he think he was! Seriously??

And it felt uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. I vacillated between anger, hurt, and indignation. I replayed the event over and over and over. It consumed my thoughts. Totally.

Over time, the thoughts faded and life moved on. Yet if I engaged that memory, all the feelings flooded back, just as powerfully.

The hurt.

The sense of injustice.

The feelings of worthlessness.

In a way, I felt powerless to it.

Feeling offended was a reaction. How could it ever be a choice?

In recent years, I’ve come to understand more about how we interact with our thinking. That our thoughts are separate from us. And that engaging with them can be a choice we make. Consciously.

With this in mind, let’s look at what really happens in the process of us feeling offended.

1. We attach our sense of value to a certain aspect of our outer persona (what we present to the world, aka our ego).

If you value yourself as a kind person, it’s not surprising that you would feel offended if someone said you were unkind. Being kind is how you present yourself to the world. It forms part of how you validate your worthiness.

Conversely, if someone told you that you suck at being an astronaut, would you care? Probably not in the slightest.

Because there’s no attachment to that as part of your identity.

Simple, right?

In the example above, being a “good mom” was part of my identity. It gave me a sense of validation. Having my parenting questioned left me doubting my sense of worthiness.

But the truth is, we’re not our persona. Our worthiness is not attached to our ego.

Feeling worthy is not something we find outside of ourselves. It’s inside us. Always has been. We simply need to reconnect with it.

2. We attach value to other people’s opinions.

Imagine that you’re innocently walking down the street, minding your own business and feeling content. A big burly chap accidentally bumps into you, and as you turn to look at him he screams at you. Expletives flow out of his mouth about how clumsy you are. How you should watch where you’re going.

Yet it was his fault!

How do you feel? Probably pretty offended. And angry. Insulted even. How dare he!

But here’s the thing: His reaction had absolutely nothing to do with you. At all.

He may have just been fired. Or had a fight with his mate. You were simply the excuse he found to vent his anger.

So, in taking offense, aren’t you wasting your good mood? Will it help matters if you shout back? Will he ever apologize? Doubtful… You’ll just feel bad.

We never, ever, know what others are thinking. Or feeling. We’ll never see life through their eyes. Which means our perspectives will always be different.

So how can we ever see someone else’s opinion about us as our truth? It’s their truth. Only theirs.

My daughter’s dad had no idea what I did as a parent on a day-to-day basis. How could he?

Also, his idea of parenting varied hugely from mine. We had vastly different perspectives. In his world, his was right, and ditto, me in mine.

So how could I place any validity or truth to his criticism of my parenting?

How could I truly feel offended? His outburst was never about me. It was simply his opinion. That’s all.

Choosing not to feel offended comes from a place of strength. It’s an empowered perspective. A choice. But it doesn’t mean that we’re condoning the offender’s behavior. No, not at all. Quite the opposite applies.

Spiteful or derogatory comments grounded in phobias, like racism or homosexuality, are mostly fear-based. And they’re usually founded in ignorance.

By choosing not to feel offended, we’re taking the high road. A higher perspective. One that feels good.

We’re only ever responsible for our role in this interaction.

Honestly? It’s not always easy. Especially when it’s close to home. Involving someone we love.

Sometimes feeling offended is simply part of the human experience. And that’s okay.

From an empowered place we can move past it. Let it go. And lean toward our innate sense of well-being.

Feeling worthy feels confident. Content. Relaxed. Safe.

It’s knowing that we’re enough. Total unconditional acceptance. Just as we are. No judgment.

As we extend that to others, we become immune to their behavior. And opinions. There’s just unconditional acceptance.

And that’s when you truly feel empowered. When you can really accept your role in taking offense.

And simply choose not to.

It’s that simple.

October 15, 2017
How to Stop Letting Other People’s Opinions Guide Your Life

“What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer

Do you feel it too?

That discomfort rising inside when someone imparts their clever wit on you. Not just any kind of wisdom, but the one that makes you feel small, in a here-you-go, punch-to-the-stomach kind of way.

A covert little criticism implying that you might not be doing something right or may have the wrong ideas.

Your first reaction is disbelief. Followed by denial. How can they be so rude to come out with such a comment? Why can’t they be more tactful or careful with their words?

Then your anger takes over, and you shout from the top of your voice, “Did I even ask for your opinion?”

Unfortunately, what seemed like shouting was just a thought. That witty retort you wanted to scream at them? Never left your lips.

You only disagreed with them in your mind.

And worst of all? After you leave the scene and mull the incident repeatedly, you begin to think they might be right. And that’s a tragedy.

Because, ultimately, you can wind up feeling that what you know and who you are don’t matter.

Thinking this way for too long leads to low self-esteem and a loss of confidence in your abilities.

But it doesn’t have to stay that way forever.

Inject Self-Trust

I used to believe that other people’s bad opinions of me didn’t affect me, so I was shocked to discover they literally paralyzed me and stymied my progress.

I clearly remember when a girl at school remarked, “Stop behaving so spoiled.” This is one of the earliest memories I have of being accused of something not even based on reality, but I actually believed that what she said was right.

I spent years trying not to appear “spoiled,” without knowing or pausing to contemplate what it really meant. This applied to all the other “wrong” behaviors I stopped doing in hopes that I’d then be more acceptable to the world.

But that never happened. I could not achieve a state where I pleased every person. I continued picking up subtle signs from others, telling me where I went wrong, or what needed correcting.

This led to putting up with a lot of intimidation at work from peers, in my adult life. Not only was I too shy to strike back, I faced humiliation in front of the group when a boss called me a geek once. As if that was the worst sin in the world.

Furthermore, I became a “psychic” over time. Others’ nagging voices had become my own, to the point I was second-guessing what people might have been thinking of me.

The situation changed when I recognized I was living within the bounds of my limiting thoughts, including those that were formed from others’ limited opinions.

What I needed to escape this loop was a good old dose of self-trust.

Because other people don’t live your life, you can only live it for yourself. And for that, you must stop listening to others’ inflated belief systems.

Immunize Against Opinions

The following ideas will help you shed chilling spells of self-doubt and embrace the loving warmth of self-assurance:

Unravel the ball.

Like a wool of yarn, the kind of reactions you learn and display to each situation you encounter get layered and imprinted in your mind over the years. Try and look beyond the obvious issues (top layers) to get to the root (core) of it.

I spent years trying to behave “appropriately” so that other people would accept me, because underneath I felt like my true self was unworthy and underserving. Once I unravelled this ball I realized that I was just as worthy and deserving as anyone else, and I could start being myself—my true self.

Fire the culprits.

The people who impact us at an early age can leave deep, lasting impressions on a young mind. What messages did they leave you with? By careful introspection, you can now examine the validity of such judgment. Is it wise to still carry their opinions, or can you now move on? Give yourself permission to kick them out of your life.

That girl who told me I was spoiled? I was able to shake her opinions by seeing the absurdity of the moment. I finally understood that at that age, she barely knew herself, and she might not have known the consequences of her talk.

Find your “double.”

With seven billion people inhabiting Earth right now, with all different personalities and opinions, you won’t have to look far to find those who agree with you. Seek out your own kind for mutual support and growth.

Being around people who share your visions and goals is tremendously more helpful than trying to change those who have the opposite agenda of yours. It’s no coincidence hobbies were invented—regardless of what you’re into, a local group has already sprung up near you to bring together passionate and kindred spirits.

Know thyself.

Find what you’re good at by clarifying your personal strengths.

Too many of us fall into the trap of making wrong career choices based on others’ opinions. Maybe you were particularly drawn to creative work but decided to become an accountant because your parents thought that was more sensible. Furthermore, you ended up focusing on improving weaknesses, which can never measure up to the power of just working with your strengths.

If you live up to who you naturally are daily, you’ll be one of the few who follows an authentic life. By flowing with your strengths, you gain greater work satisfaction and become invincible in your character.

Reset your reality.

Thoughts are curious creatures. Have you ever stopped to ponder what they are, where they come from, and what they do to you? Find truth each day by doing ten minutes of thought-stopping meditation, and recognize just how much your thoughts are influenced by people outside yourself.

What do you believe as a result of your mother’s negative views, or the heavily biased statements you read in the newspaper? Thoughts become disturbing when you take them too seriously. With a little meditation every day, you can widen the distance between your sanity and them.

Blinker yourself.

Other people’s negative opinions are likely reflecting their own limiting beliefs about life. Develop the skill to recognize and ignore these. You don’t have to disagree with them on the spot if it doesn’t feel comfortable just yet. But put the mental blinkers on, and try visualizing how you’d go about creating a different outcome next time.

Get out of your body.

Zoom out of yourself to place a particular opinion in perspective. Keep going upward until it’s nothing more than a speck of sand. These opinions look quite different from 100 miles above.

Or imagine looking back from ten years time. This incident will fade into shameful insignificance. As if it never happened. Think about this as you’re weighing up a certain opinion’s merit.

Blow it up.

When someone says something negative or belittling to you, exaggerate it as much as you can in your mind, to the point that it becomes funny. Comedy has an incredible power on the brain, releasing feel-good chemicals and allowing you to let go.

Blow up the person who’s saying it into a large balloon, and send them out into the stratosphere. And release a huge belly laugh with it! The bigger, the more powerful.

Share it out.

Bring the troubling thought out in the open by telling a close friend about how you feel. As soon as you’ve done that, you start to see the triviality of the situation. Keeping it to yourself can be a bad idea if it festers and eats into you. “Trouble shared is trouble halved.”

Be vulnerable enough to tell someone if a silly remark bothers you. It does more harm staying inside. So let the critter out, and disperse it into tiny particles.

Go Your Own Way

Don’t get sucked into some clever clog’s reckless opinion, no matter how convincing it might sound.

You could spend your whole life trying to meet other people’s standards. But that’s not a strategy for a fulfilling life.

Now is the time to start honoring your authentic values.

Get to know yourself. Hang out with your own kind. Put others’ opinions in perspective. Only then will you be free to live your life, your way.

September 15, 2015
Are You Limited by the Fear of What Other People Think?

“It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.” ~Eckhart Tolle

A few months ago, I found myself on the busy streets of London’s Covent Garden.

It was a mild Friday evening in the capital and the masses were out celebrating the end of the working week, looking forward to the weekend ahead.

But that’s not why I was there.

I’d come to Covent Garden on that day for a special project.

For most of my life, the fear of what other people thought of me had kept me trapped. It had prevented me from reaching my full potential and from enjoying life to its fullest.

I couldn’t bring myself to dance in public for fear that people would point and laugh. At work I was unable to voice my opinions for fear they’d be thought stupid. And at my lowest point, even walking down the street became a struggle, as my mind ran wild with images of people talking about and laughing at me as I went by.

I lived a half-life. I knew I was missing out. I also knew I had so much more to contribute to this world. But I was paralyzed by the fear that if I put myself out there I’d be ridiculed and rejected.

And so the “real me” remained cocooned somewhere inside. I knew she was there, I knew who she was, but fear kept her trapped.

But sixteen months ago, things began to shift. Filled with an increasing sense that I wasn’t living my purpose and a vast emptiness from the lack of meaning my life seemed to have, I quit my corporate office job in search of answers, determined to live a more fulfilling life.

I made a commitment to myself then to face each and every one of my fears and to find a way to reconnect to the real Leah and let her out into the world.

The last sixteen months of my life have been challenging, as I commit every day to living a little further outside my comfort zone. But being in that space of discomfort and crossing the threshold from fear into courage has led to the fulfilment I craved as I realize just how much I’m capable of.

I’d be lying if I said I no longer gave a second thought to what others think, but for the most part I can push past that to do the things I know I need to do.

And so it is that I arrived in Covent Garden, in the hope of now encouraging others to free themselves of that fear of what others think and embrace life in its entirety.

And so there I stood, on the crowded streets of London that evening, holding a sign handcrafted from old cereal boxes, saying:

“How often does the fear of what other people think stop you from doing something?”

The reaction to this simple question left me gobsmacked.

People stopped and took notice.

Some smiled knowingly, acknowledging that their own lives had been affected by the fear of what others think.

Some nodded with something of a sad look on their face. Perhaps there was something they really wanted to do but were being held back by that fear.

Others engaged in conversation, sharing their stories of how the fear of what other people thought had touched their lives or how they’d learned not to care so much.

That day, I experienced for the very first time the extent to which the fear of what other people think affects our lives—all of our lives. What might we be capable of if we could let go of that fear?

I went home that evening having learned some valuable lessons…

You’re never alone.

Too often we suffer our fears in silence. We believe ourselves to be the only one.

Everywhere we look we seem to be surrounded by confident people.

But I’ve come to realize that everyone—those who appear confident or shy; extroverts of introverts—we all, each and every one of us, are struggling with our own fears.

When the fear of what other people think is holding you back, take a look around and remember, everyone is living with his or her own fear. You are not alone.

By confronting your fears, you help others confront theirs.

More than anything, when you stop caring what others think and set out to achieve your goals and dreams, you give others the power to do the same.

Someone is always watching and wishing they had your courage. By stepping up to your own fears, you really do help others face theirs.

Be vulnerable and honest. Being open about your fears and confronting them head on could be the greatest gift you ever give.

What you think they think isn’t the reality.

Those people over there? The ones you think are talking about you? Judging you? They’re not. Really. They don’t have time. They’re too busy worrying about what people are thinking about them!

And even if they were looking at you, judging you, talking about you, you can be almost certain they’re not saying the awful things you imagine.

Instead, they’re envying the color of your hair, your shoes, the way you look so confident.

What we think people think of us usually doesn’t come close to the reality.

Freedom from the fear of what others think is possible.

The fear of what other people think of us is like a cage.

Over time you become so used to being inside that cage you eventually come to forget what the outside might be like. You resign yourself to living within its walls.

By taking deliberate and purposeful action to overcome the fear of what others think of you, you slowly regain your freedom and escape from the confines of the prison you’ve created for yourself.

And life outside that cage? It’s pretty awesome!

It’s a place where you can be the person you always knew you were meant to be.

And that, being fully self-expressed, being everything you know you are, fulfilling your greatest potential in life, well, that’s the greatest feeling you could ever know.

Don’t let the fear of what other people think stop you from living the life you were born to live.

Photo by PhObOss

January 23, 2014
Speaking Your Mind Without Being Hurtful

“If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind.” ~Buddha

Many of us allow other people’s opinions to dictate what we believe, value, or perceive. It’s not always easy to stand up for our beliefs and opinions when others, particularly those we care about, constantly bombard us with their views.

You might be thinking, “No, not me! This never happens to me. I’m strong in voicing my beliefs.”

At one point or another, we all conform our opinions, either to avoid confrontation or judgment or because we’re losing faith in what we feel is right.

Ask yourself, “Do I often justify what I believe after engaging in conversations with others? Am I continuously second guessing myself?” If so, you may be losing yourself.

I used to be someone who always avoided conflict with others at all costs. Needless to say, I was passive by nature, and I shied away from standing up for my beliefs.

I would avoid and distance myself from any means of voicing my opinions. In turn, I became submissive and engaged in both romantic and platonic relationships with people who were more dominating in demeanor.

While I lacked the willpower to express my own ideas, I found myself in a state of annoyance and frustration from allowing others to indirectly control my life. Feeling helpless and unaware of who I really was took a toll on my mental well-being.

I longed for the ability to express my thoughts and opinions freely. I craved the feeling of acceptance by others, without judgments being passed.

I deeply admired and looked up to my sister as a role model, one who possessed the internal strength to be truthful to herself and others, regardless of the consequences.

Sometimes my sister would discuss her issues with her friends and seek my advice, perhaps to validate if she was doing the right thing. Sometimes she wasn’t sure if she was coming on too strong and pushing others away because of her honest and strong-minded nature.

She’d often find herself in situations where she would lose friends. Perhaps her honest opinions were too much to handle.

When she would come to me in full-blown tears, asking me, “Why do my friends keep leaving? Why don’t they understand that I am just trying to help them?” I would respond to her by saying, “They don’t want to hear the truth from you, because sometimes the truth hurts.”

Friends who resent one’s openness and honesty are usually, in turn, not worthy of the friendship.

Looking back at the way I used to be led me to a conclusion. It’s not what you say to others; it’s the manner in which you say it that truly matters.

I finally realized that, although my sister and I had opposing approaches of maintaining our relationships, neither of us was necessarily wrong in the way we went about constructing them.

We often want to give genuine advice or opinions. However, we also need to understand that it’s not always easy to accept the truth. We need to find the balance and set limitations in order to maintain positive relationships.

While I had no problem in maintaining mine, I often felt repressed in terms of being expressive. In contrast, my sister’s strong-minded character eventually caused her relationships to slowly dissipate.

Over the years, I have learned that using appropriate language, word choices, and tone is the key to flourishing relationships.

Speaking constructively and delivering tactful criticism eliminates the chance to pass biases. This also creates a healthy environment and opportunity to grow.

As I’ve matured, I’ve recognized that my opinions actually matter and have the right to be heard. Having said this, I have learned that it is more effective to give an opinion or advice when it is sought.

When I engage in conversations, I always try my best to think before I speak. Then, I contemplate, “Is it worth saying? How will what I say make a difference to this person?”

If I proceed to give my opinion, I then decide, “How can I say this in such as way that it comes across as genuine, yet constructive?”

By nature, we all have the tendency to overreact; it’s important to choose our battles wisely and release the negative energy that surrounds us.

Be real; tell the truth using kind and heartfelt words. Respect will follow.

Even though telling the truth may be difficult for many people, it’s the approach that we take that allows us to earn the respect of others.

Often enough, people are so preoccupied with verbally offending others that we end up feeling as though we need to “walk on egg shells.” We may also end up saying something we didn’t originally intend.

When I was one of those people who worried about what others thought, I allowed my life to be dictated and controlled by someone else’s agenda.

I always felt obligated to adopt the views of my partners and friends, in fear of disappointing and upsetting them. I struggled to find the courage and willpower to rid myself of this imprisonment, in search of a voice, love, and passion.

Through some of my ongoing romantic relationships with over-bearing, possessive men, I have come to terms with the fact that telling the truth will not always yield a positive or expected outcome.

Still, I think that it is most important to be true to yourself. You need to be happy first before you can make others happy, and that means not self-sacrificing for unappreciative, non-reciprocating individuals.

Speaking up for what we believe and sharing our opinions can be helpful and beneficial—when it’s appropriate, kind, constructive, and consistent.

Photo by Seniju

May 5, 2013