Tiny Buddha

Tag: negative

  • Finding Happiness: 11 Simple Ways to Get Your Smile Back

    Finding Happiness: 11 Simple Ways to Get Your Smile Back

    “Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.” ~The Dalai Lama

    A while back my sister arrived for a family get-together and remarked, “Your mad laughter is missing. What’s happening?”

    My mind trailed back to my childhood and teenage years and showed me images of a girl who could laugh easily, loudly, and madly.

    Somewhere along the line I had lost my ability to laugh—truly laugh, with wonder and without worry.

    At first I brushed it off because I didn’t even notice myself changing. The change was gradual, imperceptible.

    I had come to take life too seriously.

    As a child and teenager, I had disappointments. But as I think back, the hope for my future greatly outweighed my setbacks.

    Of course, my future didn’t play out exactly as I’d imagined it would, and I encountered a series of disappointments.

    My financial situation was far from great. My relationships went through turmoil and turbulence. I let them become set in stone and define my life.

    I blamed myself for not being wise enough to make good decisions. I blamed myself for not being smart enough to catch my wrong decisions. I felt miserable. And then I blamed myself for feeling miserable, because strong people don’t waste time feeling miserable, do they?

    I became angry and, even worse, I felt entitled to my anger. I felt horribly wronged. I directed my anger at people. I became less capable of experiencing joy, and therefore, giving it too.

    Reading Tiny Buddha’s 365 Love Challenges emphasized for me how self-love is the beginning of the expression of love toward everyone else in our world. Still, it’s not always easy to be good to ourselves.

    The inner critic is the most active when we need that voice to be appreciative and loving. Instead of spending more time understanding ourselves, we indulge in self-bashing, self-abuse, and harsh judgments about ourselves.

    It takes some serious mindfulness and awareness to turn that around.

    So, after a few more observations from people who thought I mattered enough to give me feedback about my attitude, I decided to observe my thoughts and myself.

    I began to think of what made me feel better, and what helped me keep the feeling longer, so I could get my smile back.

    After months of watching myself, I saw that a few things helped me consistently.

    1. Being aware of physical and emotional triggers.

    I started paying attention to my body. My health had a big effect on my mood, and vice versa. I starting eating what would calm my stomach and keep my body at ease.

    Things like procrastinating made me feel bad about myself, so I kept up my schedule with greater caution. I also learned to avoid over-scheduling myself so I didn’t have things piling up, making me feel inefficient and inadequate.

    Your body is constantly giving you signals even when you are trying hard to ignore it, so start paying attention.

    2. Being aware of reactions.

    I started focusing on the results rather than on the source of the problem. If things did not go as planned, I consciously avoided looking to fix the blame and looked at fixing the problem. I felt less overwhelmed and more in power. It also made me more approachable.

    Develop the mindset to look for solutions, and avoid “if-only” thinking, since this only keeps you stuck.

    3. Dressing up.

    No matter how I felt, I always felt better when I got up and freshened up. Wearing well-fitted clothes, clothes that I liked, made me look better and, therefore, feel better about myself almost instantly.

    There is a whole lot of science about dressing the part, so pick colors that will soothe and accentuate you own personality.

    4. Following a ritual.

    The simple act of following a ritual—any ritual—gave me a sense of stability and grounding.

    Following a ritual that aligned with my beliefs and values made me calmer and more in control over other areas in my life.

    I chose the ritual of mantra chanting before having my first meal in the morning, and that uplifted me immensely, giving me the assurance that I could change other areas of my life too.

    5. Smiling more.

    We smile when we’re happy, right? Wrong! Studies have shown that our external expressions act as a continual feedback loop reinforcing our internal emotions. So, smiling more even when we are unhappy gradually makes us feel happier.

    True to this, smiling at strangers while standing in a queue or during a walk made me look beyond my world. To put it simply, it made me feel good, and I kept at it. Not to mention that smiling through a bad situation automatically seemed to defuse it.

    Take time to do things that give you more scope for “happy-time,” like seeking the company of children, listening to music, dancing, cooking, reading, cleaning—anything that makes you feel like yourself.

    6. Talking to somebody who loves you.

    One afternoon, when I was recovering from an intense anger bout, my father called. I did everything I could to hide my anger from him. But during the conversation, he referred to an incident in my childhood and said, “You are always so childlike.”

    It threw me off. Here I was, bashing myself for being angry and hurt, and feeling even more angry and hurt for not being able to control it, but a simple conversation with my father reminded me that I wasn’t always this way. The fact that he remembered it so fondly made me like myself. It made me want to let go and try again.

    Make time for your old friends, your parents, your friends’ parents, and siblings—anybody who has been a part of your past who sees the best in you.

    7. Being kinder.

    Formerly, I had the tendency to show indifference to people with whom I was angry (and not necessarily engage in a war of words or palpable anger). However, it still made me miserable, irrespective of whether they noticed it or not. When I consciously resisted the urge to be indifferent to them, I felt more in control.

    A kind exchange has the power to set the tone for your day. Kindness is not restricted to a physical exchange; even a gentle conversation over the phone or a kind email made me significantly happier.

    There are hundreds of studies to show that kindness can impact your brain in a powerful way and increase your feeling of connectedness.

    8. Making that decision.

    After accidentally discovering my passion for writing about three years ago, I continued to put up with a stressful job and kept putting off my plans to start doing something that filled my soul.

    Making the decision to quit and re-focus wasn’t easy. But making up my mind and letting go felt like I was clearing stale clutter and starting afresh in my mind. I felt invigorated, though it was hard work.

    If you are on the brink of a major decision, making it one way or the other will be a great emotional leveler.

    9. Starting somewhere.

    I kept putting off my plans because it was not yet there—in my mind. In short, I was afraid of showing my imperfect side to the world. In reality, I was only judging myself.

    Waiting for the perfect time to start/launch something is a mistake we all make. Even nature took billions of years to be where it is today. And it will continue to evolve for billions of years from now. Then, why do we have to be perfect today?

    10. Breaking the negative thought pattern.

    Every time I felt angry with somebody, it was because I associated something negative with him or her.

    I started consciously associating positive things with them, like remembering the skill they are really good at or the one time they helped me or somebody else, and the negativity seemed to melt away. Of course, it kept coming back, but the more I countered it with positive thoughts, the less power it seemed to have.

    So, the next time you are really annoyed with somebody, try remembering a nice thing about him or her. It makes a world of difference.

    11. Remembering that everyone is only human, and that includes yourself.

    Forgiveness contributes greatly to our well-being, fulfillment, and happiness. There is really nobody in the world who hasn’t been hurt or let down by somebody they trusted, or at least wishes they had been treated differently.

    Everyone—that includes yourself and the people that hurt you—is only standing at one single point in the huge learning curve of life, and our actions spring from what we are exposed to from that particular vantage point. Understanding this was a huge milestone for me in learning forgiveness.

    To seriously learn forgiveness as a life skill, spend more time with kids. They are the only people who unerringly practice the art.

    —

    To sum it up, for renewed happiness: Invest in yourself, take time to understand yourself, be gentle to yourself, do the things you love and, most importantly, give yourself time to heal, no matter how much it hurts!

  • Holiday Love Challenge #16: Be a Voice of Compassion

    Holiday Love Challenge #16: Be a Voice of Compassion

    Holiday Love Challenge #16

    Want more ideas to strengthen your relationships? Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.

  • How Thoughts Can Lead to Emotional Explosions

    How Thoughts Can Lead to Emotional Explosions

    Exploding Head

    “Stay present. Stay conscious. Be the ever-alert guardian of your inner space.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    It was approximately 1:20 pm on a sunny Thursday afternoon, and I was halfway through my presentation at a high school, when I was interrupted by a loud automated female voice blowing through the intercom speakers.

    “Please secure your classroom. Please secure your classroom,” it said.

    I was extremely alarmed but mainly confused. I looked at the instructor for direction. His face had turned bright red and it was obvious he was holding back panic. He dashed to the front of the classroom to lock the door and turn off the lights.

    “Please secure your classroom. Please secure your classroom,” the robotic voice continued to blare out.

    In an authoritative voice, the instructor asked everyone to move to the right side of the classroom, away from the door, find a desk, and sit under it in silence.

    I didn’t budge. I was waiting for him to explain to me that this was a routine drill the school had scheduled and that there was nothing to worry about.

    The explanation never came. I did, however, get a stern look signaling me to follow directions.

    I found a spot near the teacher’s desk next to a boy who seemed to be frozen in fear. As I was beginning to wonder how serious the situation could be, my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a group of students snickering and whispering.

    I turned to look at the teacher, who had gotten up from his hiding spot and looked extremely angry. In a loud, terrified whisper he said, “We could be on lockdown for up to four hours, and it’s very important that you don’t make a sound!”

    I tried to keep my cool, but after twenty minutes of dreadful silence, fear began to creep in. Could this be one of those shootings I’ve see on the news? What could possibly be happening out there? I’m in a prestigious neighborhood; could something really awful happen in a place like this?

    A million thoughts were bombarding my head when my mind flashed back to the speech I was just presenting before the lockdown.

    I had just been discussing details and examples from my own life to paint a picture of how persistent negative thoughts can lead to intense emotions. If left unresolved, those feelings can bubble up inside us and eventually cause us to burst emotionally.

    To illustrate this further, I had used a Coke bottle to prove my point.

    I had shaken the bottle for a few seconds, each shake representing one of life’s challenge. Then I opened the bottle, to represent our inability to hoard an overwhelming collection of negative, fearful thoughts. And of course, the soda explosion symbolized our emotional burst, caused by not properly dealing with the war zone within.

    My mind raced back to the present moment. If there did happen to be a gunman walking the school hallways, that person probably had a lot of negative thoughts and emotions they had not dealt with properly, which led up to this particular event.

    More than likely, he/she was not a happy person who woke up that day and just randomly decided to participate in such atrocity. A series of harmful thoughts and emotions had led them to potentially hurt innocent people.

    This is why it’s crucial to recognize and challenge harmful thoughts, and get help if we need it, I thought to myself.

    Our thoughts inspire our perspective, and our perspective is the number one indicator of how happy and peaceful we will feel in our lives.

    Our perspective determines how successful we will be, how happy our marriages are, and how much love and connection we feel toward ourselves. Our perspective is everything.

    Although not everyone’s boiling point will lead them to cause mass pain, it can be extremely detrimental to their own life.

    Not everyone will decide to terrorize a school, a movie theatre, or a mall. Perhaps not all emotional explosions will lead to suicide or self-harm, but they can all lead to adverse circumstances.

    The negative voice in our head can drive us to give up on losing weight or never achieve the financial freedom we crave. It can cause us to feel eternally stuck in a bad situation in life, or feel chronically unhappy and stressed.

    We regain our power when we realize the answer lies within ourselves.

    Becoming the ever-alert guardian of our mind is what will carry us forward.

    This means monitoring our thoughts and only accepting ideas and beliefs that align with strength, love, and grace. It means accepting that things don’t always go the way we hoped, but faithfully knowing that there is a better plan in store for our future.

    To change our reality we must first change our mind. We must consistently, concisely, and deliberately choose an empowering perspective. Then, and only then, will we begin to live a life fascinating beyond belief.

    As these thoughts poured into my brain I heard the instructor say that the lockdown had been lifted and we could all go back to the presentation.

    It turned out that the police were looking for a man who was on the run after committing a crime in the area, and to take extra precaution they asked that the school go on a secure lockdown.

    Whew!

    Thankfully, I had not been part of a ghastly school shooting, but that didn’t stop me from coming out from underneath the desk completely transformed.

    This experience had given my work a lot more meaning and value than I had previously placed on it.

    Sitting under a desk in that dark classroom, anticipating an emotional explosion, took the words of my presentation to another level because it gave me a glimpse of what an unguarded mind can lead a person to do.

    Our thoughts are the precursor to everything else we experience. We must guard them with our life.

    Exploding head image via Shutterstock

  • When Being Positive Can Hurt You and What To Do About It

    When Being Positive Can Hurt You and What To Do About It

    Rose Colored Glasses

    “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    While confiding in a friend one day, I mentioned how I’d been feeling a little blue.

    “Snap out of it,” he said, matter-of-factly.

    While this wasn’t the first time I’d received advice like this, or heard someone else being on the receiving end of the likes of it, it still left me feeling as if there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t just snap out of it.

    He went on: “You’ve just got to be positive.”

    If only it was that easy to turn off that negativity switch in your head permanently, and dial up the one labeled “sunshine and rainbows” to 24/7.

    Let’s get real here: For someone who’s struggling with challenging circumstances like depression, heartbreak, or even major self-doubt, and isn’t ready to put on the rose-tinted glasses just yet, pretending to be positive isn’t going to work (nor is it healthy).

    Forcing yourself to jump on the positivity bandwagon when you really feel like crawling into a cave may even create more feelings of confusion and disconnectedness (I’ve been there, done that), and distract you from the things you should be doing to get better.

    Instead of trying to sweep difficult feelings under the rug and put on an upbeat front, here’s what you can do to make them work for you:

    Be okay with feeling sad and asking for help.

    Sometimes, life does feels like crap.

    It’s okay to feel that way—life doesn’t have to feel happy, positive, and easy all the time. I’m not asking you to wallow in self-indulgent pity indefinitely, but to be present with this emotion, giving yourself time to experience and respect it.

    It’s also fine to be okay with the fact that that cheesy, motivational poster your friend emailed to you isn’t making it all better. You don’t need to feel guilty or embarrassed about not connecting with someone else’s way of coping with the hard stuff.

    In fact, the “negative” emotions you experience are just as important as the positive ones in helping you cope with life’s ups and downs because they give you vital clues about what’s going on in your life, as well as help you evaluate and give meaning to your circumstances.

    Often, these emotions point to the fact that something needs to be fixed, and while not every difficult situation has a straightforward solution, what you can do get through this time is to ask for help.

    Take this opportunity to reach out to the people who are important to you—allowing yourself to be vulnerable to someone you care about will also give them permission to help and feel more deeply connected to you.

    Make self-compassion a part of your life.

    When I’m running low on my positivity reserves, one thing I find helpful with coping is to give myself compassion. This doesn’t mean skating over painful conflicts or letting myself off the hook when I make a mistake; it means that I:

    • Review my actions and acknowledge why I chose to act a certain way after I’ve made a mistake instead of being harsh and judgmental (“you reacted this way because you were feeling hurt” versus “you’re such a loser”).
    • Accept that I’m not perfect after an unexpected binge, examine why it happened, and choose to make a healthier choice at my next meal instead of giving up on eating healthily altogether.
    • Allow myself to go for a walk because I want to instead of subscribing to the ‘no pain, no gain’ mentality by forcing myself to go to the gym even though I’m not feeling up for it.

    There’s no need for a fake upbeat façade or over-the-top cheerleading here; just being understanding, kind, and nurturing toward you.

    Focus on tiny steps you can take every single day.

    Now that you’ve deleted that cheesy motivational poster, ask yourself, “What steps can I take to help me feel better and get out of this slump?”

    This could be:

    • Scheduling an appointment with your boss to discuss why the frequent late nights at the office aren’t working for you.
    • Spending five minutes before bed meditating to calm your mind so you don’t spend the night tossing and turning, and feel exhausted the next day.
    • Taking an hour on Sunday to prepare all the ingredients you need for your week’s lunches so you don’t have to eat the foods that trigger your binge eating.
    • Sitting with your partner to tell him or her that you’re not happy, and haven’t been for awhile, and that you’d like to figure out why together.
    • Letting your friend know that she hurt your feelings instead of trying to ignore the tension and discomfort between the both of you.

    Taking steps to change instead of faking an upbeat front can do wonders in helping you to lift those heavy, grey clouds off your shoulders.

    And remember, small wins add up to bigger wins, and more reasons to start feeling happier, more confident, and in the perfect position to feel positive…when you really mean it.

    Rose colored glasses image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Ways to Learn from Your Negative Thoughts

    7 Ways to Learn from Your Negative Thoughts

    Positive and Negative Thinking

    “The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.” ~Plutarch

    I remember when I first learned about positive thinking. I was to observe my thoughts, then sort them into “useful” and “not useful.”

    This made sense to me, and it surprised me how many “not useful” thoughts I encountered. On a daily basis, I was telling myself that I was not good enough, that things could never work out, and that I was on the verge of being fired from my job.

    “Not useful, not useful,” my mind kept repeating. And yet the thoughts persisted. Why was this? Why wasn’t my positive thinking working?

    I began repeating affirmations. I made a list of everything I hated about myself, then reframed it in the positive and read it every day. I repeated mantras. I watched YouTube videos with subliminal messages.

    And yet I was calling myself a worthless P.O.S. on a daily basis.

    It was only when I began working with a therapist that I began to see the value of my “negative” thoughts. I told her about my sorting process, and her response was, “That’s good, but you’re missing some in-between steps.”

    Those in-between steps involved looking deeply at the negative thoughts, questioning their validity, and then redefining them.

    Rather than rejecting a part of my mind, I began to lean toward it, to learn from it. Thoughts that don’t feel good are merely opportunities to redefine, to change reality as you know it, and to help your own mind to suffer less. When you know how to handle them, they are gifts.

    Here are some steps you can take to lean toward negative thoughts and redefine them:

    1. Observe (without judging) your emotions.

    However you feel is fine. Really, it is. Emotions are attention-getting devices that the mind uses to help you observe your thoughts. Notice, especially, when you don’t feel good. When do you experience fear, hopelessness, or anger?

    2. Notice the thoughts behind the emotions.

    Feelings are caused by thoughts. You can access these thoughts by asking “Why?” Why are you afraid? Why do you feel hopeless? Why are you angry? The thoughts behind the emotion can show you your mind’s misunderstandings, because any thought that causes an unpleasant emotion is likely caused by an assumption. And assumptions can be redefined.

    3. Channel your inner two-year-old.

    And “why?” And ask it again. Why do you think what you do? And why do you think that? What might you be assuming? And what are you basing that assumption on? Who are you considering to be your authority? Question, question, question. Dig deeply, and look at every facet of that assumption. It might be helpful to type or write this out.

    4. Look at the “evidence” for your belief.

    The mind can only see evidence for what it already believes. So what experiences, conversations, etc. is your mind using to prove its “negative thought” true? List them. Then ask why they are true? Do they make sense?

    5. Come up with other possibilities.

    What other explanations are there? For example, if a co-worker yells at you and you are assuming it is because you are lazy, what other reasons could there be? Could they be stressed out at home? Pressured by deadlines? List as many other possibilities as possible.

    6. Find evidence for at least one possibility.

    Your mind is subconsciously finding evidence for its assumptions, and now you are going to fight fire with fire. Why should your redefinition be true? Prove it to yourself!

    7. Repeat.

    Repetition is how the mind learns. You will need to repeat this process, even if it seems to be verbatim. And you will need to vary the wording, as your mind presents it to you. Eventually, your subconscious mind will accept your redefinitions, and you will see a natural end to your negative thoughts.

    For me, this process was life-changing. I began therapy living in a four-bedroom house, working in the job I had held for ten years.

    I did not love the job. I did not want to raise my daughter (who has autism) in that school district, which would provide her with minimal help. I did not want to retire in that town, where people used four-letter words in restaurants and teenagers pushed baby buggies down the sidewalks.

    So, as I redefined the beliefs I held about myself, I found that the limitations I had placed upon myself disappeared.

    I had wanted to move to a warmer climate, but I doubted my ability to land a new job. So I tried. I pulled the right strings and landed a Skype interview 1,300 miles away. The day after the interview (which I had deemed to be a failure) I received a job offer.

    We emptied our house, signed it back over the bank, and took whatever our Volvo station wagon would carry to Houston. A year later, we moved onto a small thirty-five-foot sailboat. Our goal now is to be cruising full time within the next five years.

    In the meantime, we are enjoying our life in the marina, which is a tight-knit community that will always be “home” to us. And I am not afraid to try new things, to take “risks” and to see exactly what my potential is.

    What is the moral of our story? Don’t let your thoughts and fears limit you. They may seem like gospel truth, but nothing actually is. Everything you think, everything you feel, is up for questioning. If it doesn’t make sense to your mind, it can be redefined.

    Had I been limited by my beliefs about myself and my fears, I would still be living in that house. Instead, I am free to explore the world, and to re-invent the “American dream” as my family sees fit.

    I have learned that I am more than those fears that kept me stuck in that job for ten years, and my life consists of more than that house and the property that we thought was “ours.”

    Take nothing for granted, and don’t accept anything as the “way it has to be.” Look closely at your negative thoughts and redefine them in a way that helps you to reach your own potential.

    Positive and Negative Thinking image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Thinking Patterns That Can Fuel Depression

    10 Thinking Patterns That Can Fuel Depression

    Depressed

    “Nothing can harm you as much as your own thoughts unguarded.” ~Buddha

    You know the feeling …

    When out of the blue your mood switches.

    One moment you’re feeling upbeat and optimistic; next you’re feeling down in the dumps.

    You can’t think clearly and struggle to put things into perspective. The bright outlook on life of a moment ago has vanished, and in its place now resides an intense longing for its return.

    You feel disconnected, lost, and confused, and everything around you looks and feels dark and bleak. And even though you have no reason to feel this way, it feels all too real to you.

    And you know where that leads. You’ve been there many times before and don’t want to go back.

    I know the feeling too.

    Recovery is such an illusory term.

    It implies that once recovered, the depression is gone. But those who have recovered know this is false.

    Recovering from Depression Is Not the End of the Battle

    Having spent half of my life depressed, two years after recovery, I still find myself waging the battle of relapse. A battle that at times seems harder to fight than the recovery—just as you tasted the sweetness of the non-depressed life, you never again want to taste the bitterness of depression.

    On the surface, a mood swing looks like “having a bad day.” The kind everyone experiences and snaps out of quickly. But for those with depression, the consequences of mood swings can be severe and lasting.

    First, there’s the sudden change in mood, the one that is more than “feeling-down-soon-will-snap-out-of-it,” followed by a drastic change in outlook. One moment you’re looking at life through clean lenses, and now dirty ones blur your vision.

    Then the inevitable guests start showing up—low self-confidence, paralyzed will, self-loathing, and the most dreaded of all, inertia.

    Not getting completely trapped in the spell of this depressed mood is key in preventing relapse, which is not always easy to do.

    How to Keep Depression from Disrupting Your Life

    I used to believe depression was about “feelings,” so my focus was on understanding and managing my emotions. An approach that not always kept me from relapse—until I learned about the connection between thoughts-feelings-behaviors and about mastering one’s mood, which gave me a new perspective on depression.

    We think. We feel. We behave.

    “It is an obvious neurological fact that before you can experience any event, you must process it with your mind and give it meaning. You must understand what is happening to you before you feel it.” ~David D. Burns, M.D.

    So, how do you master your mood? Well, it’s not that hard. It involves the following:

    1. Detecting the mood change, its severity, and duration.

    For me, the most severe of mood changes, when I’m most vulnerable to relapse, is when it lasts more than a couple of days.

    2. Knowing the consequences of giving in to the depressed mood, as this is key in forcing you to take action.

    In my case, it always leads to the vicious cycle of procrastination, guilt, regret, and self-loathing. A cycle that, once started, is difficult to break.

    3. Taking action to keep the depressed mood from lasting too long.

    The longer it lasts, the more debilitating it becomes, and the harder it is to get back to normal.

    One of the things I used to do as soon as my mood changed was write about how I felt, a strategy that didn’t always keep me from relapse. But when I came across Feeling Good by Dr. David D. Burns and learned about the thinking patterns of depression, I found a new way to battle it.

    The 10 Thinking Patterns You Need to Recognize to Prevent Relapse

    A few weeks ago, I found myself close to relapse after having completed a major project—one I’d been working on for a while that needed to be done—which put all other work on hold. When it was done, I felt pretty good, but the feeling didn’t last long, and I soon found my mood changing.

    One moment I was feeling happy and proud of what I’d accomplished; next I was miserable and beating myself down.

    I had no reason for feeling the way I did, and this was confirmed when I put the thoughts behind the feelings to the test using the ten thinking patterns of depression to challenge them.

    1. All-or-nothing.

    At the core of perfectionism is the tendency to evaluate ourselves in terms of absolutes and nothing in between—good or bad, winner or loser, smart or dumb. In this situation, not being able to do both—complete my project and keep up with other work—pointed to not having achieved the “perfect situation.”

    2. Overgeneralization.

    Believing that if something bad happened once, it will happen over and over and over. “I did it again,” the thoughts that reinforced the belief it will always be this way—unable to manage and prioritize my work.

    3. Mental filter.

    The tendency to focus on one negative aspect of a situation while ignoring all other positive evidence. In spite of having completed the project, my focus was solely on “how behind I was.”

    4. Disqualifying the positive.

    More destructive than mind-filtering, this involves taking a positive experience and turning it into a completely negative one. With all the distorted thinking already stewing in my head, the sense of achievement from this moment was replaced by a sense of failure for not being able to keep up with everything else.

    5. Jumping to conclusions.

    Automatically jumping to negative conclusions without any basis for it. The immediate assumption here was that “I’ll never be able to catch up,” even though I always have in similar past circumstances.

    6. Magnification and minimization.

    The tendency to magnify our mistakes and weaknesses while minimizing our successes and strengths. The heightened sense of failure for not being able to keep up obscured my abilities and skills to overcome this and any other challenges.

    7. Emotional reasoning.

    Looking at life through painful eyes where everything looks bleak and dark. Once the wheels of distorted thinking were set in motion, everything I needed to do to get caught up appeared daunting and impossible.

    8. Should statements.

    The useless mind-noise resulting from being disappointed with ourselves and the world, reminding us of what we could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve done differently. “I should’ve tried harder to keep up.” “I must do all of this to catch up.” These were the thoughts that began popping into my head.

    9. Labeling and mislabeling.

    The constant labeling and mislabeling of ourselves in a self-deprecating manner. Once trapped in this way of thinking, the usual self-loathing terms to devalue myself showed up—loser, not smart enough, can’t do anything right.

    10. Personalization.

    Feeling responsible and guilty when there’s no reason for it. Even though I had a valid reason to do what I did (postpone other work), I blamed myself and felt horrible for finding myself in the situation I was in.

    Everyone thinks in this manner at one time or another.

    But for those with depression, it’s a way of life, with each distortion feeding and supporting the others, keeping us in a constant state of emotional turmoil.

    Transforming the Distorted Thinking of Depression

    Giving the insane thinking of the depressed mind a name, an identity, takes away its power to make us depressed. A power that lies in its obscure nature and that, once exposed, can be seen and defeated.

    This new way of understanding how the depressed mind thinks revealed how most (if not all) of the time when I’m depressed, it has nothing to do with what’s going on in my life but rather the result of distorted thinking.

    Today, armed with this knowledge, whenever I feel the depressed mood coming on, I immediately start jotting down the thoughts that pop into my head. I give them form by labeling them, and then I replace them with rational ones by questioning their validity.

    In this situation, the negative thoughts “I am so behind, and I’ll never catch up” kept me from acknowledging the positive aspects of having completed a major project. A form of mind-filtering, they persisted, making me feel overwhelmed, guilty, and anxious, all potentially leading to relapse.

    On the surface, “falling behind” was true. However, the underlying assumption—that I intentionally procrastinated—was wrong.

    When I realized this, the distorted thoughts lost their validity giving way to a more accurate and rational way of thinking: That this was a major project that needed to be completed and required all my attention. And that “putting everything else on hold” was a conscious choice made and not due to procrastination.

    Master Your Mood and Stop Being Victimized by Depression

    One by one, I challenged and transformed every distorted thought until there were none. As a result, my mood improved, and I went back to relishing the joy and pride the moment warranted for having completed the project.

    You can do it too.

    Master the mood of depression so it doesn’t take over your life.

    Learn to master it, and never again feel the fear of relapse.

    Break the chains of its prison by giving form to its formless thinking, and free yourself once and for all.

    And never allow depression to keep you from fully and uninterruptedly savoring the joy that life brings!

    *This post represents one woman’s unique experience of preventing a depression relapse. If you’re struggling with depression and nothing seems to help, you may want to contact a professional. 

    Depressed image via Shutterstock

  • There’s More Right in the World Than You Might Think

    There’s More Right in the World Than You Might Think

    Good News

    “When you turn on the television … you run the risk of ingesting harmful things, such as violence, despair, or fear.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I passed the rack of newspapers on my way into story time at the library, ignoring the latest headlines. Murder, mayhem, war, disaster—it all calls like a siren at sea. My pace picks up as I turn the other direction.

    My two-year old charge, whom I affectionately call Little Man P, is captivated by the animated librarian. She impresses me with her liveliness and ease in handling a room full of kiddos. It is clear she loves her work and those that come to story time.

    After everyone else left, she lingered to talk with me and Little Man P. He’s shy and bashful, but loves attention. Since he insists in going out in his superman outfit, he certainly gets noticed.

    I’ve enjoyed caregiving most for Little Man P because he has reminded me how to have fun and use my imagination.

    There’s hardly a moment he isn’t asking me to tell him a story. He’s more interested in elephants that can climb trees and fire hydrants that can talk than he is in anything else. I tell the librarian how my imagination has come alive since I’ve been babysitting him.

    With this comment, she seizes the opportunity to plug a special kids program coming up that weekend at the library. Unfortunately, I wasn’t going to be available to attend. I explained I would be spending a few nights staying with an elderly woman at risk of falling whose husband had to be out of town for a funeral.

    I shared with her what I consider to be the greatest downside to working with the older end of the age spectrum. Many, if not all, of my clients are really into the news. I can pretty much count on a newspaper at the table and the television turned on.

    Rather than participating in a fun and imaginative weekend program, I’d be stuck listening to CNN running 24/7 in the background. I complained about this with my new librarian friend, commenting how difficult it is to hear all the bad news in the world.

    She shook her head sympathetically and muttered an agreement. I went on to express my frustration with the news media for mainly reporting what’s wrong in the world. I asked her, “Don’t you think there are just as many good things going on in the world?”

    She agreed, but then said: “Yes, but it seems things are getting worse every day.”

    I felt the familiar flare of passion rise up when a topic really pushes one of my buttons.

    I passionately exclaimed, “People only think that because that’s all they hear about on the news! Isn’t it just as likely there are an equal amount of miracles happening every day, or good Samaritans doing heroic deeds that we don’t hear about?”

    I think my enthusiasm must have turned her off, as she made a rapid exit after my outburst. Our conversation, however, reminded me of why I have such a ban against reading or watching the news. My desire to know what’s right in the world instead was ignited.

    Although not everyone agrees with the belief that we focus on is what we create, chances are if you’ve ever thought about buying a certain kind of car, you’ve experienced suddenly seeing that kind of car everywhere.

    This phenomena is referred to as frequency illusion. Our minds sift out all the other data we are receiving and starts to see more of something we have just noticed or learned. It is amazing how we will begin seeing things previously unnoticed based on where our thoughts and focus are directed.

    I’ll concede, simply watching or hearing about murder, terrorism, or the bad economy isn’t necessarily going to mean we see more of those things as we go about our day to day lives. However, it does increase the likelihood we start living a more fearful life.

    As such, we might notice the unusual looking man at the grocery store. Then, when he pulls out behind us in the parking lot, we worry he is following us. Or perhaps we become suspicious of the neighbors who just moved next door because of their race or religious orientation.

    Similar to “frequency illusion” is the experience of “selective attention.”

    Numerous studies demonstrate when our attention is occupied with one thing, we often fail to notice other things right before our eyes. In one study, few people noticed a woman with an umbrella cross the field while they were counting how many times a football got passed from one player to another.

    Likewise, if we are preoccupied with the strange looking man in aisle two of the grocery store, we might not notice the cashier pull money out of her own pocket to help the customer in front of us who didn’t have enough to pay for their groceries. Or see the young man help the elderly woman carry her groceries to the car.

    Constant bombardment of all the horrible things happening in our world can only lead to greater and greater distress and mistrust.

    What we need instead is more hope, faith, and love. In an information age where what happens on the other side of the world is known immediately everywhere, why does the media report mostly on what’s going wrong?

    Imagine a primary news channel devoted predominately to the announcement of miracles or to reporting various good deeds.

    What if we were constantly seeing pictures of people helping each other, babies being saved by the latest in modern medicine, or politicians shaking hands in agreement over important issues?

    What if we were to hear stories about the rising inner peace movement, or new and innovative programs to assist the elderly, sick or disabled?

    Is it possible we would all smile a bit broader and greet strangers with a warm hello?

    Perhaps we would feel encouraged to do our own generous act of kindness or join an existing worthy cause.

    Would not knowing about some of the things we hear about on the daily news make a huge difference to us in our day-to-day lives?

    How can we possibly know if things are getting better or worse when we aren’t given even a 50/50 accounting?

    Steven Pinker, in his 2011 book, The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined, argues things actually are getting better. He asserts violence has been in decline, despite the ceaseless news about war, crime, and terrorism.

    We just can’t see it because no one is focused on what’s right it the world.

    Since I’ve stopped watching the news and reading the paper, my life is happier and more fulfilling.

    If there is something really important happening in the world, I will hear about it elsewhere. If there is some action I can take to make things better, I will do it. But most the time, I’m quite content to live in my bubble, smiling at people and extending kindness to strangers.

    Good news image via Shutterstock

  • We All Have Bad Days and All Need a Little Kindness

    We All Have Bad Days and All Need a Little Kindness

    ”Be kind to unkind people. They need it the most.” ~Unknown

    A couple weeks back I had what Alexander would call a no good, terrible, very bad day.

    I’d slept poorly the night before—possibly because I had caffeine, which I usually avoid, somewhat late in the day, and possibly because I have a toddler-sized bladder that doesn’t seem to understand or care about REM cycles.

    In addition to being physically exhausted, I was feeling emotionally spent. I’d been dealing with a high level of uncertainty, as my boyfriend and I were preparing to move yet again, after months of discussion about where we’d live long term.

    Also, I was feeling a little disappointed with myself. I’d recently slowed my work down a bit, both to allow myself space to process my feelings related to the move and to work on some new creative projects.

    Turns out, it’s poor logic to expect that I can simultaneously allow a tidal wave of emotion to wash over me and create something completely unrelated to those feelings.

    So on top of fear and worry about the future, I was feeling guilty about “wasting time.”

    In an attempt to improve my mood, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to get lunch, but first I needed to stop at the post office to mail a package.

    The line looked like something you’d see at Disneyland, except without the enthusiastic banter you usually hear when people are inching closer to Space Mountain.

    My patience was right there with my bladder—the size of a toddler’s—and I really wanted to leave; but the sooner I mailed that package, the sooner I could stop telling myself, “Why are you doing nothing? You have to mail that package!”

    I thought, “It will go quickly,” without any good reason to believe this was true other than wishful thinking. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

    There were three people working at the counter: one helping people with passports, one giving mail to people who were picking it up, and one working with a customer who seemed to be mailing holiday gifts—five years’ worth, to friends, friends of friends, and friends of those people too.

    I was four people away from the front of the line when it hit me—I really had to pee. But I’d already written on a padded envelope I’d gotten from their retail area. I couldn’t leave; I had to pay for it.

    Sweating, with the sun beating down on me through the window, I started shifting my weight from leg to leg, texting my boyfriend in the car to let him know I’d be a while.

    I felt annoyed with everyone—the postal workers, for not working more quickly; the other customers, for not having fewer things to mail; the manufacturer of my shirt, for not making it more breathable.

    By the time I finally got to the front of the line, I felt ready to explode. I hoped this would be quick—here’s my package, mail it cheaply, have a nice day.

    That’s not what happened.

    The woman behind the counter told me I didn’t write the city legibly, and then began to write, even less legibly, on top of it.

    Since I’m a perfectionist, and because this package and the recipient were important to me, this really bothered me—that it looked like I spelled “round” wrong the first time, then scribbled over it and said, “Yup, this looks good to go.”

    Exasperated, I told the postal worker, “That looks horrible. I don’t want it to look like I can’t spell ‘round.’ Can I just get a new envelope?”

    I ran to grab one, then looked at the winding line and panicked. What if she took another customer while I was writing, and it was someone else with a half-hour worth of stuff to do?

    Then, while pressing the pen so hard it almost broke in my hand, I heard “Next in line.”

    “Could you just wait one second?” I implored. It’s just such a long line, and I waited so long, and I’m like three pen strokes from done.”

    She obliged, equally annoyed—after all, the winding line had greater implications for her than me. Then, after beginning to process my package, she said, “You have the wrong zip code.”

    Thus began a ridiculous back-and-forth discussion about who was right—her computer, or my post-it note, backed by Google.

    I really didn’t want to have to come back, and I didn’t want the package to get returned to me—at a place I wouldn’t be living at for long.

    So finally, after arguing for a bit, while shifting from leg to leg and wiping sweat from my brow, I said, “Never mind. I’ll just pay for my two envelopes and go.”

    I hadn’t yelled at her. I hadn’t insulted her. But I’d been rude. I’d been frustrated, impatient, and impolite. I’d vomited “bad day vibes” all over her, then left in a huff.

    And I felt terrible about it.

    I returned home and emailed the recipient to verify the zip code, and it turns out the postal worker was right—the recipient had given me the wrong one. It showed as the right address in Google because Round Rock has multiple zip codes.

    I felt even worse then.

    “This was so un-Tiny-Buddha-like,” I thought. “I should be better than this.”

    Should. There was that word again. What’s the worst thing you can do when you’re having a bad day? Pile on reasons to feel bad.

    So I decided to cut myself some slack. Did the postal worker deserve my attitude? Nope. Could I have been less volatile? Sure. Would it do any good to beat myself up over it? Absolutely not.

    The next day, after getting a better night’s sleep, I went back to the post office again, armed with the correct address. This time, there was no line. I immediately saw the postal worker from the day before, rearranging some packing material in the retail area.

    “Excuse me, “ I said, “Do you remember me? I was here yesterday…”

    She seemed to arm herself emotionally, glancing at me, then quickly away, before saying, “Um, yeah.”

    “I was rude to you yesterday,” I said, “and I’m sorry.”

    It felt strange and vulnerable to say this to a stranger, but I was sorry.

    I was sorry because I imagine her job isn’t easy. And the sun was beating down on her too. And she didn’t get to run out when I did, to eat lunch, go home, and decompress.

    She was doing her job—and a good job at that—and I was sorry I treated her poorly.

    She looked at me, her body softened, then she reached out for a hug. I doubt she knew it, but I really appreciated that hug. I needed it.

    “It’s okay,” she said. “I know how it is when you have an important package to mail.”

    “I was just having a really bad day,” I said, “and you were right. I had the wrong zip code.”

    “It’s okay,” she said again. “We all have bad days.”

    Where I stood just yesterday, feeling rude and ashamed, I now stood feeling kind and proud. I doubt she knew it, but she gave me a tremendous gift. She reminded me that my worst moment didn’t have to define me.

    I could choose to do something different. I could choose to take responsibility, admit my shortcomings, and do better today than yesterday.

    I don’t know about you, but I’ve come to realize I’m a lot like that scribbled “Round Rock”—messy and far from perfect. I make mistakes. I’m not always kind or polite. Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me. Sometimes I don’t deal well.

    But maybe these little mistakes are big opportunities. Maybe the worst of humanity can give way to the best.

    Maybe every moment of rudeness is a hug waiting to happen. Okay, so that’s kind of cheesy, and maybe a little idealistic. And I realize there are situations when people are far ruder than I was, and far less understanding than she.

    But I know next time I encounter someone who seems impolite, I’ll remember how I felt that day. I’ll remember I’m likely not seeing them at their best, and this doesn’t define who they are.

    Then I’ll look them in the eye and think to myself, “It’s okay. I know how it is. We all have bad days.”

  • 7 Habits That Keep You Strong (Even When Things Go Wrong)

    7 Habits That Keep You Strong (Even When Things Go Wrong)

    “I’m stronger because of the hard times, wiser because of my mistakes, and happier because I have known sadness.” ~Unknown

    It’s happened to most of us.

    Despite our best intentions, something goes dreadfully wrong.

    You suffer a heartbreaking loss, make a terrible mistake, or get blindsided by an injury.

    In disbelief your mind cries, “Wait. What?”

    And then, “No, no, no, this can’t be happening.”

    After the initial shock, when the surge of stress hormones has subsided, you realize that yes, this is happening.

    And you can’t help thinking: “But how could this happen? It’s not fair. I can’t bear it. Why me? Why now? How will I ever get through this?”

    Your mind is reeling. You feel anxious and dejected.

    Well, something like this just happened to me too.

    After eight days away and a grueling fifteen-hour return trip, my husband and I were relieved to finally arrive home at 1:00AM on a Wednesday.

    But as soon as I opened the front door, I knew something was terribly wrong. My beloved cat Tiffany had come to greet me, but she wasn’t purring in her usual comforting way.

    She was yowling in distress in a way I had never, ever heard before.

    “Wait. What? What’s wrong, what’s wrong?”

    And then somehow, I just knew. I ran further into the house and discovered evidence that confirmed one of my worst nightmares.

    My trustworthy, longtime pet sitter had not been in to care for Tiffany.

    My sweet, sixteen-year-old cat had been home alone with no food, water, or heart medication for eight days. How was she even still alive?

    As a devoted animal lover, witnessing Tiffany’s trauma and subsequent physical and mental decline has been heartbreaking for me.

    I’ve had plenty of negative, angry, and despairing thoughts vying for my attention over this. And I definitely felt weakened by the experience.

    But as soon as I could, I consciously returned to the habits I’ve created over time that keep me strong no matter what shows up in my life.

    1. Use your power of choice.

    No matter what your circumstances, you have the power to choose your direction and how to use your energy. You can choose to use your energy in positive, productive ways or in negative, destructive ways. Either way, the choices you make now determine your future.

    As soon as I opened my front door and saw Tiffany’s suffering, I had some choices to make. I could choose to stay devastated, distraught, and depressed. Or I could choose to embrace the miracle that my cat was still alive and empower myself to give her the loving attention she deserved.

    Practice choosing to focus your energy in positive directions until it becomes a habit. Once it does, you will be more empowered and experience less trouble in your life. You will feel like you are living on purpose, taking charge of your direction rather than viewing life as something that just happens to you.

    2. Accept what is, no matter what.

    Practice not mentally labeling what happens as good or bad; just let it be.

    Accepting what is, instead of judging it, puts you in a state of inner non-resistance. You can still want to change things, but you have a calmer attitude, and any action you take to improve your situation is more effective.

    I rated my Tiffany’s circumstances as terrible at first. But by quickly accepting the situation instead of raging against it, all my mental and intuitive energy was available to discern what she needed most so that I could help her right away.

    Allow things to be as they are rather than resisting them. Once this becomes a habit, you’ll find yourself calmly thinking of effective solutions for problems that used to be overwhelming.

    3. Be grateful.

    Besides enhancing your everyday life, finding things to be grateful for can help you cope during hard times by giving you a wider perspective that helps you feel less overwhelmed by difficult circumstances.

    An eight-pound, sixteen-year-old cat with a heart condition could easily have died from such a trauma. So I had three things to be grateful for that night.

    First, Tiffany was still alive. Second, I got home just in time to rescue her. And third, I was grateful that my pet sitter had taught me to leave extra water out when going on a trip. This is probably what saved Tiffany’s life.

    Practice focusing on what’s going right. Notice things to be grateful for every day. Soon, finding something to be grateful for will become your automatic response to anything that happens. And eventually you’ll find that your gratitude habit brings more joy into your life.

    4. Neutralize the negative.

    Sometimes our thinking is directed by our inner critic, who can say some harsh things. But when you pay attention, you can recognize unhealthy thoughts and change them to more positive statements.

    My inner mean girl spoke up that night. “Tiffany counts on you to keep her safe. How could you let this happen?”

    I immediately cut this off by replacing the unhelpful thoughts with words I often say out loud to my sweet cat: “I love you, Miss Tiffany.”

    Always question your negative thoughts, and practice changing them to positive, helpful statements. Once this becomes a habit, you’ll find that negative thoughts lose their power to upset you. Over time, you will be able to more easily let them go, and your mind will become more peaceful.

    5. Return to the present moment.

    As human beings, one of our favorite mental activities is to get lost in thinking about the past or the future.

    Remembering to bring your attention back to “now” sweeps the debris from your mind and returns you to a state of simplicity.

    Throughout that long night, I did my best not to get lost in thoughts of how this could have happened or what Tiffany’s health would be like from then on. I just kept bringing myself back to the present moment with, “I love you, Miss Tiffany.”

    As you go about your daily activities, keep your full attention on whatever is happening here and now rather than getting lost in thought. Once this becomes a habit, you will be more connected to your inner wisdom. You will notice that decisions are easier to make, and life begins to flow more smoothly.

    6. Trust yourself.

    It’s better to trust in your own feelings and intuition—even if you make mistakes along the way—than to look outside yourself for guidance.

    Even though this felt like an urgent crisis, I took my time considering the options.

    I could put Tiffany in the pet carrier and go for a forty-five-minute drive to the emergency veterinary hospital. Or I could quietly care for her myself for a few more hours until my local vet’s office opened.

    It was the middle of the night, and she had already been through so much. My intuition said that keeping her home would be less stressful, so that’s what we did.

    Remember to always tune in to your inner wisdom for help. Once you make this a habit, you will feel less stressed and more positive. You will have a sense of inner security and self-contained confidence that is not based on the approval of others.

    7. Forgive.

    True forgiveness means that you accept the reality of what happened without an emotional charge. You recognize the healing and growth you have achieved from working through the upsetting experience, and you wish healing and growth for the other person.

    My pet sitter was distraught by her scheduling mistake and begged me to forgive her. I knew she would never intentionally cause harm to any living thing. I also knew how devastated I would be if I was the one who had made such a mistake.

    And so I did. I forgave her.

    Practice forgiving others and releasing the toxic resentment that hurts your heart. Forgive yourself too; we all make mistakes at one time or another. Making a habit of forgiveness frees you to move on with your life and experience higher levels of inner peace.

    You: Calm, Clear, and Confident

    Life’s hard when things go wrong.

    Feeling shocked, anxious, and dejected is no fun.

    But practicing these habits when times are fairly good will enhance your life and help you stay strong during the hard times.

    Imagine being in the middle of a disappointment or a crisis and being able to move swiftly through the shock and stress rather than getting stuck there.

    Imagine feeling calm, clear, and confident during difficult circumstances instead of confused and overwhelmed.

    Imagine even reaching a state of inner peace as you take action to make things right again.

    Some of these concepts are easier to turn into habits than others, and they all take time to master.

    But if you will pick even one and start practicing, you will become stronger, wiser, and more resilient no matter what life throws at you.

    If I can do it, you can too.

  • Why You May Feel Crushed by Criticism (And What to Do About It)

    Why You May Feel Crushed by Criticism (And What to Do About It)

    “If you keep your feathers well oiled the water of criticism will run off as from a duck’s back.” ~Ellen Swallow Richards

    We all seek love, approval, and appreciation, don’t we? We sometimes obsess over what people think of us. When we receive feedback that seems less than favorable, we speculate for days about what it might mean.

    Usually we attach the wrong meaning to it, and this drains our energy and might even cause us to withdraw and quit what we are doing.

    Is there a way to avoid this? How can we keep our feathers well oiled?

    Here is what happened to me and what I learned from it.

    I was working in HR in a big institution with more than 7,000 employees and hundreds of different departments. I was asked by my hierarchy to coordinate with several departments to accommodate the varied needs of colleagues with disabilities, as it required special workplace adaptation and much more.

    With more than ten different departments involved in the project, there was a clear need for coordination, but not a clear mandate in my job description. But it didn’t seem to be a problem, and the departments involved were happy that somebody took the role.

    Until one evening, after work, I opened my inbox and there it was, an email from a colleague, sent out to the entire mailing list of colleagues and departments involved in the project.

    It was the head of one of the departments telling me that with the coordination work I’d done, I’d cause problems for him (without providing further specification). He instructed me to stop, and in an ironic tone he wrote that my talents and help would surely be better used in other projects.

    I responded immediately, “Sorry. Okay, then I will not do the coordination.” I felt crushed, small, and incredibly hurt.

    But was it really the criticism that stopped me?

    Probably not, since there were three other supportive emails sent out to the entire list, from people working on the project, who happened to be high in the hierarchy.

    When I looked inside myself, some months after the incident happened, I discovered that it wasn’t the criticism but my own interpretation of it that stopped me.

    The criticism was feeding my own limiting beliefs.

    How often do we receive criticism and it doesn’t touch us, sometimes we don’t even notice it? When there are no self-beliefs for the insult to hook into, it rolls off like a raindrop on our raincoat. But when deep down we hold limiting beliefs, the criticism arouses them.

    “Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

    If we do something we will be criticized, and we cannot do anything about it.

    Thinking “he shouldn’t criticize me” will stop the other person. It is hopeless. All it does is it harms us.

    Instead of blaming the one who is criticizing us, it is better to focus on the one person we do have control over: ourselves.

    Look inside, discover the beliefs that caused the criticism to stick, and begin to undo them. So the next time when we receive similar criticism it rolls right off, like the raindrop on our raincoat.

    Not sure how to discover your own limiting beliefs? Here’s how:

    Finish the following statement: “Someone has criticized me, and that means…”

    What came up for me was: “I am inadequate; I do not fit in; I am not fit for the institutional power games.”

    I was quite surprised to be confronted with these limiting beliefs.

    What is it for you? What beliefs did you discover?

    The next step is to question those thoughts with the help of The Work by Byron Katie. It consists of four questions and turnarounds, which are the opposite of the initial thought.

    1. Is it true?
    2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
    3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
    4. Who would you be without the thought?

    Let’s question the thought “I am inadequate.”

    It is important to do this inquiry having a concrete situation in mind. So my situation is: I’m reading the email, which states that I caused problems and it would be better for me to use my talents and help in other projects.

    If you like you can question the belief about yourself that you just discovered. Answer these questions along with me, keeping in mind your situation.

    1. I am inadequate. Is it true?

    Yes.

    2. Can I absolutely know that it is true?

    No.

    Just notice how it feels to express an honest “yes” or a “no” as an answer to these two questions. There are no right or wrong answers here; it’s about discovering what is true for us. And just notice how your mind wanders: “Yes, because…“ or “No, but…“

    3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

    There I am reading the email that states that I caused problems and I would better use my talents and help in other projects. How do I react, what happens when I believe the thought that I am inadequate?

    I make myself small. I hit reply and I answer, “Sorry. Okay, then I will not do the coordination.” I feel crushed and incredibly hurt. I am afraid what others who read that email will say. I picture a catastrophe.

    4. Who would you be without the thought?

    Who would I be without the thought that I am inadequate? What would I do, feel, or say if I could not think the thought that I am inadequate?

    I would be curious what makes my colleague think that I am causing his problems. I would ask him to meet me so that I could understand. I would entertain the possibility that there was just a misunderstanding. I would not disregard the supportive emails I received from others. In fact, I would give much more credit to them. I would be much calmer. I would be genuinely curious about what went wrong without blaming myself.

    The turnaround would be: I am very capable at my job.

    The turnaround opens us up to the possibility that the opposite of our thought feels as true or even truer than the initial one. Examples to the turnaround statement broaden our vision and help us see reality in its complexity.

    So how can that it be true that I am very capable at my job?

    – The three supportive emails I received from colleagues confirm that I am very capable at my job.

    – My work has always been appreciated in the previous years.

    So what was the problem in the first place? The criticism, or my deeply rooted belief that I am inadequate?

    It was the belief, wasn’t it?

    “If you keep your feathers well oiled the water of criticism will run off as from a duck’s back.” ~Ellen Swallow Richards

    The next time you feel hurt by criticism, look for the underlying limiting belief and question it with the help of The Work. This is how we keep our feathers well oiled.

    One day you might even find yourself grateful for criticism and the opportunity it presents to look inside, and better yourself.

    Crushed by criticism image via Shutterstock

  • How to Maintain Peace and Joy Despite Your Everyday Struggles

    How to Maintain Peace and Joy Despite Your Everyday Struggles

    Floating Man

    “In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.” ~Deepak Chopra

    For years I allowed everyday struggles, like slight disturbances from schedule, to steal my happiness, peace, and energy. Whenever something disrupted my plan, I got negative and started complaining.

    When I realized this, I began taking steps to accept the daily chaos. I shifted my focus to how I percieve my daily life and how I spend the twenty-four hours I get.

    I started asking questions, like: Am I being positive? Am I spending my hours in a way that’s productive yet joyful?

    And I began working on changes that enabled me to be at my happiest, most optimal self.

    Gradually, I was able to regain my lost calm and restore my lost energy.

    If you’d also like to experience more peace and joy in your days, these steps may help.

    1. Add fun to your daily chores.

    What are the most boring tasks in your daily routine? How can you make them more enjoyable?

    Minor changes like this can make a large difference in your day.

    One idea is to couple boring chores with more pleasurable activities. My favorite way to do this is by turning on some music while doing tedious tasks.

    Another idea is to plan fun-time as a reward for after work. Or, do a task that makes you feel accomplished just before you handle a mundane one so you’re in a better mental space when you tackle it.

    Completing your tasks in a more exciting manner enables you to have fun, while staying more productive as well.

    2. Be grateful.

    Once we start complaining, we keep listing everything, small or big, that frustrates us.

    Meanwhile, we ignore the good altogether, as if it does not exists.

    Recently, I was planning to meet with an old friend after not seeing her for a long time. But she cancelled the day before and said she was going out of town, so we wouldn’t be able to get together for at least a month.

    Because I was so frustrated, and fixated on this one thing that went wrong, I couldn’t enjoy the movie I watched with my family that day. I kept dwelling on how upset I was, which pulled me out of the moment.

    If you want more peace, stop getting into this vicious cycle of dwelling and complaining.

    The next time you find yourself counting the bad, stop to count some good as well. The good things you find might seem ridiculously tiny—like a shared movie with someone you love—but so are the complaints, if you think about it.

    Staying grateful keeps the negative balanced with the positive, thus preventing you from taking a glum view on life.

    3. Go slightly out of routine.

    When someone asks you what you are doing today, do you say, “Oh, the usual,” with a sigh? Or, do you feel excited as you count off things on your fingers?

    If you do the former, then maybe following the same routine has become too monotonous, and you could benefit from some unpredictabilty.

    Take a different route to your office, do something on the spur of the moment, or pick up a task that’s scheduled for later and finish it beforehand.

    When you voluntarily break your timetable, you can adapt better to the sudden changes that happen.

    Besides, If you finish an important chore, it will give you a sense of early achievement!

    4. Set aside compulsory “me time.”

    In our busy life, it’s easy to forget to take breaks. But working around the clock doesn’t necessarily make you more productive.

    Instead, it ends up making you more negative and reluctant to work.

    On the other hand, having something refreshing to look forward to makes it easier to get through even the worst of days.

    What makes you happy instantly? Include it in your compulsory to-do list.

    Enjoy some music, read a book, go for a morning stroll, or savor a cup of coffee. Anything that helps you relax can qualify as your “me time.”

    5. Take care of your mind and body.

    If we are not in our top form, mentally or physically, we get exhausted easily. We are also unable to deliver our best.

    You don’t need to spend hours in a gym, follow a strict diet, or be an expert in meditation.

    Here are quick examples of activities for a healthy body, wise mind, and contented spirit:

    Body: Go for a walk, eat fruit daily, and ensure that you get enough sleep.

    Mind: Indulge in quick mental exercises—solve a puzzle, do easy math, or memorize a number without your phone’s help!

    Spirit: Spend a few quiet moments with yourself—focus on your thoughts, think of the minor goals you accomplished, or recall a moment that made you happy.

    6. Cut down the negative sources.

    Spend more time with the friends who encourage you instead of the ones that make you feel low.

    Limit the activities that unnecessarily stress you out.

    When you need to face something negative, decide in advance that you won’t allow that negativity to leak into your entire day.

    I have a friend who used to put me on the defensive. I couldn’t understand why; she had a nice manner, after all.

    I eventually realized it was because she’s the kind of person who expects everyone to conform to the society’s views.

    She was actually being judgmental and criticizing, but with a disguised exterior. She was also coercing me into being like her.

    I used to get drained because I was constantly making excuses or giving explanations for my differences.

    When I understood this, I started spending less time with her and kept conversations general.

    Now, when we do meet, and she finds something to criticize, I simply leave it at “Oh, that’s just the way I like it” instead of wasting my energy trying to justify my views.

    7. Remove extra clutter.

    One of the reasons we feel so drained is because we focus our attention on too many things.

    Clutter doesn’t necessarily mean your posessions. Your clutter can be material, digital, or even emotional.

    Whatever it is, take a while to understand what’s occupying your space, time, and thoughts.

    Think deeply about what you really need and get rid of what you are uselessly holding on to.

    Go ahead and do the house/office cleaning that you’ve been putting off for so long.

    Limit your time on social media and utilize that time reading useful sites/watching informative videos instead.

    Or go even deeper—let go of the grudges and negativity and focus your thoughts in a direction that benefits you.

    8. Stop looking at the ideal things that could be.

    We all have things we don’t like and situations we want to be different. But if we can’t change them, it only ends up making us unhappy.

    Quit giving these external circumstances the power to affect your joy.

    Appreciate what is present, use the resources you have, and accept the few things that are not the way you want.

    I felt very lonely during the first year of college. I’d had to leave old friends behind and start afresh. I was okay with that—I’d always considered the possibility that we might go our separate ways.

    But I believed that I would make new friends—ones who were totally like me—to share my dreams and passions with.

    That was not what happened. I couldn’t find anyone I truly connected with, and I became hyperaware of how different I was. As a result, I felt shy and vulnerable, which further prevented me from getting close to people.

    Eventually, I got tired of being aloof. I decided to focus on the fact that I had good people around me instead of comparing everyone to the ‘ideal friend’ image I had.

    Accepting my situation didn’t change it, but it helped me appreciate others and gain true friends in spite of our differences.

    Utilize any opportunity you get, even if it doesn’t looks perfect, or you don’t feel ready to use it.

    Don’t expect things to be better; take steps to make them so. And when they are beyond your control, channel your thoughts into what you can appreciate about how things are and what you can improve.

    —

    A busy life doesn’t have to be a stressful life. By adding, subtracting, and modifying a few of our daily tasks, we can prevent the day from stealing our energy. Similarly, by fine-tuning our thoughts, we can find more peace in our days, months, and years.

    Floating businessman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Keep Your Spirits Up When You’re Bombarded With Negativity All Day

    How to Keep Your Spirits Up When You’re Bombarded With Negativity All Day

    Negative and Positive

    “In essence, if we want to direct our lives, we must take control of our consistent actions. It’s not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently.” ~Tony Robbins

    Do you ever have to deal with negative people?

    Do you ever have days where everybody seems to want to bark at you all day long?

    Under those circumstances, you struggle to keep your spirits up, don’t you?

    Well, I know the feeling—all too well, unfortunately.

    Years ago, I worked in a collection department for an insurance company collecting the unpaid debts of policyholders. Trying to obtain debt was like pulling teeth. But both the customer and I equally felt the pain for one undeniable reason …

    People hate debt collectors, period.

    Representing the company, I politely answered calls from those who questioned their outstanding balances. No matter how or what I said to appease the masses, they would retaliate. They’d yell my ear off and curse at me. And boy, did it take its toll on me.

    By evening, I was mentally exhausted and drained and repeatedly asked myself, “How do I cope with the stress but more importantly the negativity?”

    It was like clockwork; my mind was battered and bruised daily. I’d arrive home feeling the ill effects from the entire workweek. I didn’t go out or do anything on the weekends. Depression would engulf me, and I would hit a record low once Sunday afternoon arose.

    Anticipating work was like approaching the apex of a roller coaster. You know there’s no going back and there’s only one way out … and it’s down this big drop whether I liked it or not.

    Back then, my plan still was to move up the company’s career ladder, so as much as I loathed the job, leaving it to find something more fulfilling never even occurred to me. Instead, I tried to find ways to cope with all the negativity.

    Eventually, I succeeded. I developed a safeguard. And even though the work experience wasn’t the best, it did have one positive effect.

    I developed a shield against negativity, and to this day, I feel much better equipped to deal with negative people in my life without letting them get me down. Here’s how you can do the same:

    1. Arm yourself with positives.

    Prime yourself before walking out the door. Load up with whatever positives you can get before you tackle a new week. Watch inspirational or funny movies, laugh at jokes, read enriching and influential books, listen to uplifting music, or learn from motivational speakers and teachers.

    Stock up as much positivity as you can, because everyday life can sap you of your precious energy. Your commute, job, unexpected challenges, personal problems, and friend and family issues can take their toll if you’re not prepared.

    2. Choose not to mirror others.

    Sometimes, others’ negative vibes subconsciously influence us. It’s not our fault we’re human. If someone is rude toward us, our defenses go up, and we’ll dish out the same in return. We’ll unknowingly become trapped and mirror their negative energy exactly.

    If someone’s being negative toward you, and you realize it’s influencing you for the worst, make a conscious effort to get back in the driver’s seat and be in control.

    Instead of mirroring their energy, try to help them mirror yours. Be glad that you’re in a more positive state, and reflect the desired positive outcome back at them.

    If they raise their voice, you speak calmly. If they’re rude, you act politely. That’s the name of the game. Now it’s just a matter of who caves in first.

    Maintain your energy, and stay the course no matter what. You’ll know you’ve got them when they start matching your tone.

    3. Allow others to talk your ear off without ruffling your feathers.

    Let me first preface this by saying it is not healthy to always listen to someone vent.

    You’ll need to set boundaries and not let people treat you like a punching bag, but when you’re dealing with clients or customers, you can’t exactly ignore them. In those cases, just let them vent their frustrations without taking it personally.

    Realize their problems are probably not with you specifically but with other issues that caused them torment.

    Perhaps they need to vent their frustrations about the company you work for.

    Whatever it is, taking it personally would be fruitless. Don’t stand in their way and take the brunt of the onslaught. Just step aside and let them attack the problem head-on to redirect the negativity away from you. That’s how you should visualize it in your head.

    Remember, they’re not really attacking you. They’re attacking the problem. The problem itself is not a part of you; it’s a separate entity.

    If they’re angry with you personally because you made an error, put your ego away, be honest about it, apologize, and move forward. Never hide anything. It’ll just make the situation and your feelings worse off than before.

    Create the least amount of friction as possible by shifting the negativity away from you.

    4. Kindly compliment others whom you dislike.

    If you do find yourself disagreeing with someone, make the best of it by trying to find a point they thought of that you actually agree with. Then genuinely take the time to compliment them for their idea.

    Doing so will subconsciously create a small bond. Believe it or not, this micro-connection is a tiny foundation that you can build upon for a better relationship in the future.

    It’s always best to come out of a conversation on a good note rather than leave any potential seed of negativity.

    5. Treat yourself when you feel the negativity getting to you.

    A gift to yourself (it doesn’t necessarily have to be material) is the perfect distraction to help shift your mindset and lift your spirits when you’re down.

    You should give yourself a reward, even a small one, at the end of the day or week. For example, it could be as simple as pre-ordering a book that’s piqued your curiosity or perhaps scheduling a dinner with someone you’ve wanted to be closer to.

    Whatever it is, it gives you something mentally positive to hold onto and think about to make it through a tough day.

    Your Positive Actions Make You Your Own Leader, Not a Follower

    You’ll have to deal with a certain amount of negativity in your life. You can’t really change that. Negative people exist, and even the positive ones can succumb to negativity on a bad day.

    But you can change how you deal with it … if you allow yourself to. You can change how you react. Is it easy? It can be. Is it challenging? It can be. The real answer is actually up to you. At its very core, negativity is how you perceive it.

    You can choose to keep your spirits up no matter what negative people throw at you. And maybe you can even change their moods while you’re at it.

    Is it worth the effort? Unequivocally yes. I gained this valuable life skill that I undoubtedly couldn’t get anywhere else, and I use this skill to this day.

    Take control of your life, and lead it where we want to go. Don’t allow others to dictate how you should feel. That’s something you can do for yourself.

    Negative and positive image via Shutterstock

  • Lashing Out is Losing Control; Calmness Is Strength and Power

    Lashing Out is Losing Control; Calmness Is Strength and Power

    Calm Man

    “Self-control is strength. Right thought is mastery. Calmness is power.” ~James Allen

    I would like to share something personal with you. It’s the story of how I first glimpsed what true strength and power is and where they come from. I hope this story helps to further illuminate your journey through life.

    I remember one day when I was in the back seat of my parents’ car. I was probably about thirteen years old. We were parked in a hotel driveway, waiting, though I can’t recall why.

    After a few minutes, another car pulled up behind ours and the driver began to impatiently honk at us. Soon he began to scream and curse as well. I turned and saw a man whose face was bright red, scarred deeply by wrinkles of rage and bitterness.

    The driver had obviously lost control of his emotions, as it was impossible for us to go anywhere with his car blocking us in. It was as clear as day that we were stuck until he moved. What on earth did he want us to do?

    My father sat in the driver’s seat, gazing into the rearview mirror. His face was strained with confusion, trying to figure out how to process what was happening.

    My father is a great man, always striving to do what is right, strictly honest and keen to help others. Finally, somewhat frustrated, my father opened the door so he could go and speak with the impatient man in the car behind us.

    I remember feeling afraid when he stood up because I knew that the other person was really angry.

    I watched my father begin to walk toward the other car. As the car horn continued to blow, my father abruptly stopped and paused. He seemed to be contemplating something, and it appeared as if his entire being softened.

    Slowly, he returned to the car and sat back down. My father’s expression was one that I had never seen before on him: a look of straining and struggle with a hint of shame. Eventually, the other man drove off and that was the end of the incident.

    The image of my father’s face profoundly affected me and was forever tattooed in my memory. I was just a young child and, in my mind, my father was perfect. He was my hero and I idolized him.

    He is not a large man and I have never known him to fight; yet I felt a tinge of disappointment that he hadn’t stood his ground and confronted the other man. I felt that he had retreated. And my impression was that he felt the same way.

    A few days later my father shared with me a dream that he had the night before. In his dream, I had beaten up the man who was honking the horn.

    At the time, despite being young, I was a black belt in Taekwondo. I remember wishing that I really had beaten him up. I wanted to get even with the man who had embarrassed my father.

    I became full of anger. I imagined myself beating him up again and again yelling, “This is for my father!”

    I was angry, partly because he had hurt my father, but mostly because he had hurt me. He revealed to me a flaw in my father’s character: he was afraid and perhaps not strong enough to fight back. It left me bewildered and, for the first time, I realized that my hero wasn’t perfect.

    Something deep inside me was forever changed.

    Years later, as a college student, a friend and I went out for a meal. While eating, an acquaintance of ours lost his temper and began yelling at my friend. My friend listened silently, showing no change in his demeanor.

    Eventually, the man finished yelling and my friend quietly stood up and walked away without saying a word. I was so impressed by how calm he was.

    Later, I asked him how he managed to keep his cool. He smiled and told me, “A strong person is not one who knocks other people down; it is one who does not let his anger get the better of him.”

    I was stunned. I knew that he was completely right. Who demonstrated more strength: the person who had lost control of his temper or my friend who had kept his?

    These words touched my soul and aroused in me an understanding of where true power comes from: it comes from within. And inner strength dwarfs physical strength.

    That night, this realization lingered in my mind. As I was digesting this lesson, suddenly I remembered the incident with my father and the horn-honker, many years before.

    A voice within me asked, “Who was the stronger man?” and chills slowly crept up my spine as I realized that it was, in fact, my father. While the other man had allowed his rage to overcome him, my father had controlled himself.

    The other man had lost; he lost to himself when he allowed his emotions to take over. My father, on the other hand, had stood victorious over himself, conquering his own emotions, commanding them down. The other man was a slave to his passions; my father was the master of his.

    It was then that I saw my father for the truly strong and courageous man that he is. The weak and easy path would have been to return anger with anger, yelling with yelling. But my father had the strength to resist this; he had the power to calm his mind while a tempest raged about him.

    It was in this moment, that my own path became a bit clearer. I realized that I must embark on a journey of conquering myself, because I now knew that I did not want to be a slave. The only other option was to master myself, to command the hidden forces within.

    When you feel negative emotions rising, threatening to overcome you and make you into their puppet, remember that the strength and power needed to maintain calmness lie forever within you.

    Calm man image via Shutterstock

  • “Toxic” People Often Need Compassion the Most

    “Toxic” People Often Need Compassion the Most

    “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~Plato

    By all standard definitions, I used to be an energy vampire. I lived in my own self-created drama, prone to rages, complaints, and self-pity. I exhausted the people around me and played games of control, superiority, and victimhood.

    I’ve heard this bundle of behaviors called a “personality type,” and I think that is as obscene as saying that a hungry person has a “Hungry Personality Type.”

    An energy vampire, by definition, is someone who cannot create or sustain their own positive energy, so they take it from others. An energy vampire, by my own experience of that definition, is someone lacking in self-love and trying to pull that love out of others.

    Such a person is simply hungry, not inherently flawed.

    I’ve been there.

    A few years ago, I began hearing voices and feeling suicidal. I had drained the people around me dry and I was all alone. I was trying to drain myself, but I had nothing left to give. I had to choose: change or die.

    When I started to change, I realized just how much I hated myself, how much I judged myself, how many impossible standards I set for my own acceptance. I began to work on accepting and loving myself just as I was.

    Bit by bit, I opened up to the beauty of my face, the beauty of nature, the beauty of the human smile.

    I began to fall deeply in love with everything and everyone. After years of hunger, years of being a love vampire, biting others to get it, I realized that I could feed myself. I didn’t have to hurt myself or anyone else.

    In that awareness, I remembered the people who had accepted me when I was “toxic.” These people became my teachers. Their kindness and love, which was invisible to me in a state of desperate love hunger, suddenly became crystal clear in my newfound self-awareness.

    It hurts me to confess that some of these people never got to see me get better. All they knew was my darkness and they gave as much as they could before they left. And they are still my greatest teachers.

    After I healed my mind and replenished my self-love tank, I began to reach out to others on the same journey.

    I’ve met so many people who have been abandoned by everyone around them, because they’re “energy vampires.” I found these people in my family. I found them in my old circles of friends.

    It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve really tried to give back what was given to me. I’ve tried my best to be loving and supportive to people who only know how to take (at least, right now).

    And it’s been worth it.

    A few years ago, I kept meeting up with one person that everyone around me told me was toxic. I was always exhausted after hanging around her and I knew that, deep down, she resented me. She treated me just like I used to treat people.

    I didn’t “cut ties” or “protect myself” from her as all the articles say. I gave her some of my time—not all of it, but some of it. I took care of myself enough that I could heal from any emotional pain I got in our meetings.

    Eventually, she stopped talking to me. We didn’t speak for close to five months and, the other day, she suddenly called me to ask if we could meet up.

    When I saw her, her eyes were sparkling and her smile shone for miles. She couldn’t stop talking about all the epiphanies she’d had and all the ways she’d healed. She had stumbled across some powerful lessons in a program she enrolled in and it changed her life.

    She kept saying, “Now, I understand.” Everything I would talk about that she eyed suspiciously—now, she understood.

    After a long conversation about her new, joyful life, she paused, looked away, and said, “I hated you, you know. I couldn’t believe anything you said and I just didn’t understand that happiness like this was possible. I thought you were lying. I was such a jerk to you. Why did you keep talking to me?”

    I smiled and said the words that I’d used to defend her behind her back when others would interrogate me with the same question: “You deserve it. I saw myself in you. You weren’t a jerk. You were hungry. I knew you’d wake up one day and, when you did, you’d remember this, remember me. And, one day, you’d be that person for someone else.”

    And, now, she is.

    I’m not saying we should all surround ourselves with people who make us feel bad. I’m not saying that we should spend all our time giving compassion to others at our own demise.

    What I am saying is this: Oftentimes the “toxic” people are the ones that need compassion the most.

    And although you probably won’t get a “Thank You” from them in that moment, being kind, seeing them from a compassionate perspective, and refusing to resort to negative adjectives, that could really change a person’s life.

    Your acts of kindness, though they may not be immediately rewarded, are never wasted. They will sit inside the recipient’s mind, outside the walls of their self-imposed limiting beliefs, awaiting their awakening.

    And, if they do awaken, they will remember you and they will learn from you. And your acts will have contributed to a more loving world with fewer “energy vampires” and more people who love themselves and love others.

  • Stop Beating Yourself Up: 40 Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic

    Stop Beating Yourself Up: 40 Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    If you’re anything like I used to be, your inner critic packs a powerful punch.

    You’ve got a vicious voice bad mouthing you for much of the day. And when it’s in one of those moods, wow, are you going to suffer.

    It’s no wonder you feel small, disappointed, and ashamed of who you are.

    It’s the reason you lie in bed at night feeling like a failure, convinced you’re a nobody, certain you’re a serial mistake maker.

    It was exactly why I used to just lie in the dark, a lot. Most days in fact. Not sleeping, not even thinking, just lying.

    I was forever longing for my life to go away. I’d gotten so good at beating myself up that each day seemed to present more opportunities to fail, to feel insignificant and never good enough.

    Alone in the dark, I could pretend that all my problems disappeared and that I was free of the stress. I could make-believe that the pressure had evaporated.

    You see, I’d taken on one of those jobs, one of those supposed leaps up the career ladder. But hell, being the head of a college department turned out to be a bad life choice … given my oh-so critical inner voice.

    Every day added to my imagined portfolio of failures. Every day blew another hole in my smokescreen of having any confidence in my ability. And every day, I became more fearful of being exposed as the ‘fake’ I believed I was.

    I felt like I was constantly aching yet feeling numb at the same time, which became too painful to bear. I dragged my shameful self into the college and quit. I left my entire library of books on the table along with my resignation.

    Four years on, even though I’d tried to move on, even changing countries, I still felt the same. No more confident and no less self-critical.

    That’s when I learned that even if I hadn’t packed any belongings, I still took a devastating amount of baggage with me. Even worse, I’d allowed my inner critic to ride passenger.

    That voice—that mean, vicious, ever-present voice—had to go if life was going to be worth living.

    Consciously and patiently, I set out to understand why this self-critical person had become such a huge part of me. I learned how to recognize and counter the habitual negative messages and destructive behavior patterns. I learned how to beat my inner critic, for the most part.

    And now it’s your turn.

    Because it’s time you felt free from the pain of constant self-criticism as well. It’s time you finally stopped beating yourself up over everything you say or do. And it’s time you were able to breathe, smile, and be pleased with yourself, just as you are.

    How? With one simple, small action at a time.

    Some of these ideas will speak to you; some will shout. Others will only mumble. Try a handful that grab your imagination. Add in others from the list over time as you learn to build them into an inner-critic-beating habit.

    1. Keep a self-praise journal.

    Pocket-size is best. Each time you feel pleased by something you’ve done or said, jot it down. Flip through the pages every time you feel your critical voice starting to pipe up.

    2. Write a positive self-message.

    Use a permanent marker and inscribe it on the inside of your shoes.

    3. Diminish your inner critic’s power.

    Repeat a negative thought back in a silly voice.

    4. Update your Facebook status:

    “Happy to be me. Work in progress.”

    5. Send yourself a loving text.

    Keep it, and re-read it often. Appreciate yourself.

    6. Add a positive self-message to an image.

    Put it on your phone and laptop.

    7. Draw a caricature.

    Give your inner critic a silly feature that makes you laugh. Stick it on your fridge.

    8. Make a face or blow a raspberry.

    At your inner critic, not yourself!

    9. Visualize your inner critic.

    Imagine it as an evil gremlin squatting on your shoulder. Each time it speaks up, turn and flick it away.

    10. Look in the mirror.

    Smile and compliment yourself on one quality or trait you like.

    11. Keep a list of self-forgiveness quotes.

    Or sign up to receive daily emails from Tiny Buddha.

    12. Write a list of qualities others like about you.

    Keep it in your purse or wallet.

    13. Write a list of qualities you like about yourself.

    Add it to your purse or wallet as well.

    14. Remind yourself: 

    “No one can do everything, but everyone can do something.” ~Unknown.

    15. End each negative thought with a positive.

    For example, “But I’m human and I can learn not to make the same mistake,” or, “But I have the power to change this.”

    16. Jot down one thing you’d like to be better at.

    Then take one tiny step toward that.

    17. Remember “not good enough” doesn’t exist.

    “I don’t know a perfect person, I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.” ~John Green

    18. Ask yourself why you think you should be good at everything. 

    We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Concentrate on your strengths.

    19. Find one thing each day to reward yourself for.

    Make it something you truly look forward to.

    20. Apologize to yourself.

    Do this every time you recognize self-criticism (tell yourself you’re sorry out loud if you can).

    21. Ring someone you haven’t spoken to in ages.

    Tell them how much they mean to you. The best way to feel better about yourself is to make someone else feel better.

    22. Remember that self-hate is not an option.

    You’re the only person you can guarantee you’ll be in a relationship with from birth to death, so learn to love yourself.

    23. Remember there’s no shame in messing up.

    You’re trying to do something, grow, and contribute.

    24. Break the cycle.

    Admit you made a mistake and ask, “Now what can I do about it?”

    25. Look at a mistake or “failure” in context.

    Will it really matter in a week, a year, or ten years from now?

    26. Recognize that you make fewer mistakes than you think.

    You just criticize yourself repeatedly for the same few.

    27. Drown out your inner critic.

    Put on your favorite feel-good music.

    28. Stop trying to do too much.

    Strike one task from your to-do list that won’t stop Earth from revolving if it isn’t done.

    29. Reflect on how you’re only on this planet for a short time.

    You can either spend it beating yourself up and being miserable or learn to love yourself and be happy.

    30. Stop focusing on the one thing you got wrong.

    Focus on the many things you got right.

    31. Recognize the good you do for others.

    The more you beat yourself up, the less good you do.

    32. Keep a daily, written tally of positive self-messages.

    Increase this by at least one each day.

    33. Physically pat yourself on the back.

    Do this for everything you’ve done well this week.

    34. Look at a satellite image of the earth.

    Realize that you are an important part of this amazing creation.

    35. Realize that over six billion people in the world don’t care.

    Only you care that you made a mistake.

    36. Think of a fun, positive adjective.

    Adopt this as your middle name so that every time you criticize yourself by name, you’ve described yourself in a positive way.

    37. Buy a houseplant.

    When you tend it remind yourself you need this much love and attention.

    38. Note down kind words from others.

    Write them on slips of paper and keep them in a compliment jar. Dip into this whenever you need to counter a negative self-message.

    39. Halt a negative self-thought.

    Use an act of self-care. For example apply hand cream, or give yourself a neck rub.

    40. Stop comparing yourself to others.

    Remember Dr. Seuss: “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You!”

    Stop Beating Yourself Up Once and for All

    Beating yourself up leaves you feeling horrible.

    All that constant self-criticism is exhausting. It leaves you aching inside.

    Small, simple actions can bring great leaps in breaking this negative cycle—for good.

    Let these ideas speak to you. Pick the ones that shout loudest.

    Defeat self-depreciating thoughts you’ve heard over and over with conscious, positive acts of self-compassion.

    Stop letting your inner critic overpower you. Fight back with self-love.

  • 6 Ways to Deal with Critical, Judgmental People

    6 Ways to Deal with Critical, Judgmental People

    Finger Art Couple Fighting

    “When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.” ~Unknown

    We all have people in our lives who unintentionally hurt us. Their words may sound harsh. We may feel judged. And they may question our choices so much that we feel emotionally unsafe around them.

    People can make comments about our career choice, living situation, life partner (or lack of), child-rearing decisions, and hobbies—and often when we didn’t ask for their opinion or advice.

    Oftentimes, the healthiest choice is to stay away from these people. But sometimes we have to pay a hefty price for this choice, and it’s worth exploring other options.

    For example, if some of these people happen to be relatives, or someone is your childhood best friend’s spouse or your daughter’s best friend’s mom, staying away may bring other challenges.

    And even when we can avoid them completely, it can be valuable to have such people in our lives, as they empower us to learn and grow.

    Note: I said we could invite them to be a part of our lives, not consume our lives! There is a big difference between the two.

    A few years back, a friend’s words began to hurt me and brought tears to my eyes, lots of tears.

    I knew her intentions were good, yet her comments on my choice of work, living situation, and vacations, and her constant unsolicited advice, left me feeling sad and angry.

    I opened up my heart and ultimately felt judged and vulnerable.

    I could have just let the friendship die, but that wasn’t an authentic manifestation of my values.

    A part of me wanted to tell her exactly how I felt, but I didn’t have the courage to face the consequences if she didn’t understand where I was coming from, and that I really wanted to save the relationship.

    I was sharing this with my mom, and in my pain I asked her why someone who cared about me would say the things my friend had said.

    She said something that stuck. “What if you look at your relationship with her as an opportunity to grow? What if you focused on what you could do and change instead of complaining about her? What if she were a friend not to hold, nurture, and support you, but to help you get a tiny bit closer to your own truth along with some pain and discomfort?”

    This was simple, yet deep and profound.

    Over the last few years I have become a little more skilled and have more peace and joy around this relationship.

    Here’s my list of the wonderful gems that have emerged, and my enhanced toolkit on dealing with difficult relationships.

    1. Acknowledge the pain.

    I have learned to acknowledge the discomfort with harsh words. This doesn’t mean wallowing in the pain or crying endlessly, but simply practicing awareness and noticing my own sensations and feelings as they arise, without getting overly attached to them or pushing them aside.

    I have learned that resistance creates more suffering, and accepting our own discomfort is the first step to lasting peace.

    2. Embrace your own fears and insecurities.

    Difficult interactions give us an opportunity to embrace our own fears and insecurities. When we feel hurt about something, it’s often because it triggers some unresolved emotion within ourselves.

    Recognizing this, we can practice compassionate self-inquiry, without anger or judgment toward ourselves.

    I have noticed that comments around my choice of work are most difficult to hear, and as I have peeled the layers I have learned that is where my inner critic is the loudest.

    What a lovely opportunity for me to come a tiny bit closer to my own truths, practice self- kindness, and work on myself instead of trying to change others.

    3. Cultivate curiosity.

    I have learned to have an open and curious mind toward critical behavior. I don’t need to judge or label, but I can still bring a deep sense of curiosity around why people may be behaving or saying such things.

    With this sense of curiosity, we’re better able to practice compassion for other people’s pain and suffering.

    Oftentimes when people say hurtful things, it’s because they are hurting and have unmet needs, and not because of who we are or what we have done.

    4. Demonstrate vulnerability with intelligence.

    I often felt upset because I opened my heart and revealed my imperfections and didn’t feel held or heard. I slowly learned that if someone might not accept my truth, it would be wise for me to exercise judgment around how much I share.

    As Brené Brown says, “Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share, ‘Who has earned the right to hear my story?’”

    This didn’t mean that I was better or wiser than other people, but that at this point in our lives, my story doesn’t serve a purpose in our conversations.

    5. Create boundaries.

    Despite all the benefits that such interactions may bring, boundaries are essential.

    A boundary meant saying no to that Saturday dinner invitation (with kindness and gratitude), or agreeing to meet for coffee on a weeknight instead of planning a long, leisurely Sunday brunch. It also meant exercising judgment around the topics that I’d discuss and the opinions that I’d offer.

    If a relationship is causing you pain but you feel it’s worth keeping, ask yourself: What boundaries can I set to better take care of myself and my needs?

    6. Refuel and recharge.

    Practicing this piece can sometimes feel indulgent, or I can confuse this with “being weak,” but at its core, it is an act of strength.

    I have learned to take time and create space (even if it’s just five minutes) to do something to recharge and refuel after such interactions—take a walk or practice meditation, for example—in order to ground myself and bring myself back to my sense of calm and worthiness.

    —

    When people are critical and judgmental, it’s often more about them than us. Still, this gives us an opportunity to learn about ourselves, take good care of ourselves, and practice responding wisely.

    Which of these most resonated with you? What’s in your toolkit that could be added to this list?

    Finger art of couple fighting image via Shutterstock

  • Interview and Book Giveaway: 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People

    Interview and Book Giveaway: 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People

    Smiley

    Update: The winners for this giveaway are:

    I have a confession to make—I sometimes cringe when someone tells me to “just be positive.” I’ve often assumed this really means, “Your sadness is making me uncomfortable, so please stop talking about it.”

    To be fair, I wouldn’t classify myself as a negative person—not now, anyways—though I have my moments. I do, however, feel for anyone who might be classified that way, as I know from experience that deep negativity often comes from deep pain.

    We all face our own battles in life, some more overwhelming than others. And sometimes it seems nearly impossible to nurture a positive attitude.

    But it is possible. And sometimes, it’s the only thing that keeps us going when it seems unlikely we’ll find our way through the darkness.

    Optimism is a powerful thing. When you’re optimistic, you don’t deny that you’re going through a hard time. You don’t suppress your feelings or pretend you’re happy. You simply believe that something good could come from your struggles—even if you can’t yet fathom what that might be.

    You believe that life is happening for you, not to you, and that you’re not a victim but rather someone with immense potential to overcome your odds and thrive.

    Because you believe, you’re able to keep moving forward—learning, growing, and making the best of your circumstances—when it would be easier to give up.

    I’m always inspired to read stories from people who’ve found silver linings in tragedy because it reminds me that we have immense power to shape our lives through our perceptions and responses. This is what brought me to Dave Mezzapelle’s new book 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People.

    Dave’s on a mission to get people to “power their lives with the positive.”

    In this follow-up to his bestselling book Contagious Optimism, he’s collected more than 100 stories from amazingly resilient individuals, and compiled them into 10 chapters based on—you guessed it—the habits of optimistic people.

    I’m grateful that Dave took the time to answer some questions about himself and his book, and that he’s provided two copies for Tiny Buddha readers.

    10 Habits of Truly Optimistic PeopleThe Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People:

    • Leave a comment below.
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a free copy of 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People http://bit.ly/1DEk1RR

    You can enter until midnight PST on Wednesday, April 8th.  Two winners will be chosen at random on April 9th.

    The Interview

    1. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what inspired you to create this series.

    I have always been a positive, upbeat person and very optimistic. And, I always made it a point to find the bright side of a problem, which I found made it easier to surmount. In addition, I have always loved people’s stories.

    Over the course of the past twenty years, my alma mater, Fairfield University in Connecticut, had suggested that I write a book on optimism in business. This was based on the way I ran my company for seventeen years.

    I didn’t have an interest in writing something like this until 2010. I literally woke up one day and said, “I will do it. But let’s not just make it about me. Let’s make it about lots of people. And let’s not just make it about business. Instead, let’s make it about many of life’s themes including business.”

     2. What have you learned about the benefits of optimism?

    After spending years collecting silver lining stories from around the globe, one of the most powerful facts I learned is that being a positive, optimistic person not only allows people to achieve greatness, but it has numerous mental and physical benefits as well.

    From a biological standpoint, we benefit from the release of neurotransmitters such as serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine when we are happy, positive, and optimistic.

    Mentally, we find ourselves in a good place that makes everything else seem easier (or at least less difficult for those that are going through tough times).

    People have nothing to lose from being positive versus the stress they definitely gain from being negative. Don’t run away from obstacles and adversity but be positive in your ability to address and surmount them.

    And when we are feeling good about ourselves and optimistic about our future, we tend to look better as well. Our skin tone, our posture, and our confidence all shine. And, even our physique improves when we combine optimism with a workout or exercise schedule.

    3. The book features more than 100 true stories from people who’ve learned the power of optimism. I’m sure you found all of them inspiring in different ways, but is there one that really stuck with you—and why?

    They all have affected me. In addition to the 100 stories you referenced in this book, we have thousands in our essay bank for future volumes. It has been nothing shy of awesome being able to read these stories and learn about these people.

    What sticks with me is not one particular story but the fact that everyone has a silver lining story to share. However, I will share an amazing story about Yvette Pegues.

    Yvette was an employee of IBM in their global patent office. She traveled the world and knew many languages. She also has two young boys and a terrific husband.

    One day Yvette had terrible headaches and was rushed to the hospital to find that she had a genetic brain malformation. They performed emergency surgery, which caused a brain stem stroke that left her in a wheelchair for life.

    Instead of letting this bring her down, she was a first responder to the earthquake in Haiti (the same year of her stroke—2010). She also competed in and won Miss Wheelchair Georgia and, in 2014, Miss Wheelchair USA where I was the keynote speaker.

    Today, Yvette has devoted her life to helping children worldwide improve their literacy skills.

    4. In one of your previous interviews, you talked about the steps you believe people should follow to help them embrace optimism when facing hurdles, with the acronym “GSM.” Can you tell us more about those three steps?

    GSM stands for Gratitude, Stories, and Magnet.

    Gratitude—you need to be grateful for even the smallest things in life. This can be something simple like the sunrise, a glass of water, your pet, or the smell of the ocean. Simple gratitude makes everything feel special, big or small.

    Stories—When people are going through tough times, they tend to think that they’re alone. However, when they hear or read stories of how others have persevered, it gives them hope. And, hope is that important foundation of optimism.

    Magnet—“Optimism is a happiness magnet.” ~Mary Lou Retton. I love this quote. You want to surround yourself with good, uplifting people. Their happiness and positive attitude is certainly contagious. It brings you up and adds light to your day.

    But, conversely, sometimes it’s difficult to avoid the negative people, the naysayers, and the cynics. Unfortunately, their negativity is contagious as well. They may be in your office, your classroom, or your apartment.

    In those cases, just ignore their chatter and simply tolerate them. It doesn’t mean you need to absorb their energy. Don’t take their negative opinions to heart and don’t let them influence you.

    5. Conventional wisdom about becoming more positive suggests we should avoid “negative people,” but in my experience, “negative people” often need our love and support the most. Have you learned anything that can help us find a middle ground so that we’re minimizing the negative effects of spending time with pessimists, but not just writing them off so that we may actually be able to help them?

    Yes. We never suggest ignoring or isolating pessimists. We just assert that what others do or say is a reflection of their own reality, so don’t take it personally and don’t let it bring you down.

    Some people are just naturally pessimistic and it is not our job to change them but at least being a ray of sunshine around them can bring them light without allowing their nature to pull us down.

    I believe that true success in everything comes from combining effort, reality, and positive thinking. Optimism alone will keep you in the clouds. And oftentimes reality alone will prevent you from getting passed first base.

    However, when you combine all three, things happen in a big way! And this is based on our extensive experience of interviewing people and capturing their silver lining stories.

    6. What do you believe is the biggest obstacle to optimism, and what’s one thing we can do to overcome it?

    Outside influences are the #1 obstacle. This can be a negative friend, family member, coworker or boss, or even the media. An outside influence can reduce or eliminate optimism.

    The best way to overcome it is to make it a point to minimize your exposure to the naysayers and cynics. In addition to watching or reading the news, try to follow positive stories and positive programming as well.

    Look in the mirror and remember that what others do or say is a reflection of their own self, not a reflection of you.

    Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements, asserts, “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

    Conversely, appreciating those around you that appreciate who you are and what you stand for is tantamount for your own optimism and for making it contagious for others.

    7. Of the ten habits shared in the book, which do you think is the most difficult to form, and what’s one simple practice anyone can use to begin cultivating it today?

    Everyone is different so this is a difficult question. For example, some people struggle with embracing change (chapter one).

    Others have a difficult time appreciating those around them (chapter two).

    And, I have also noticed that many people do not believe in themselves and the value they possess (chapter five).

    So, in my opinion, the one simple practice is to take a deep breath and concentrate on the fact that others have had it so much worse and have made it through. And, the best way to prove that to yourself is to either read books like Contagious Optimism and Chicken Soup For the Soul and/or connect with others that have been in the same boat.

    It is very powerful to learn about the patience, persistence, and perseverance of others.

    8. What’s the main message that you hope readers take from this book?

    We all have stories. What you think may be boring or uneventful is actually inspirational and motivational to others around the globe. So, considering sharing your stories and remember, we are all naturally mentors just by the sheer impression of our footsteps.

    You can learn more about 10 Habits of Truly Optimistic People here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

    Smiley face image via Shutterstock

  • Forming Positive Relationships: Two Simple Strategies to Meet New People

    Forming Positive Relationships: Two Simple Strategies to Meet New People

    Friends High Fiving

    “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou

    We all want to be around people who make us feel lighter and happy. We love seeing and interacting with people who brighten our days.

    So, why is it that so many of us spend our days with people who don’t lift us up, people who don’t inspire us, and in some cases, people who tear us down?

    It’s tough to remove these kinds of people from our lives, especially if we see them every day.

    These people may be your colleagues or bosses, which makes them tough (or nearly impossible) to avoid.

    In some cases, these toxic people in our lives are, in fact, our own family members.

    That’s makes it really hard to escape the negativity on a daily basis.

    I’ve had negative people in my life ever since I can remember.

    For example, my aunt—who played a major role in my childhood—would give me destructive criticism when I was young.

    She’d say things like, “You look like you’ve gained some weight. Are you really going to eat that cookie?” And “You’re not smart enough to read that book. Why do you even try?” And even “Nobody likes you—you’ll never have friends.”

    Those comments hurt me to the core. I felt like I didn’t measure up, like being myself wasn’t enough.

    And when I began to think that way, I thought that I didn’t deserve to be loved—by my family, by friends, and by myself.

    But then, one day I was watching a TV show. There was a guest on the show and the interviewer asked him, “What’s the key to your long-term success?”

    His response was pure gold: He said, “I’m the average of the five people I’ve spent the most time with over the years. You want to know the secrets to my success? Go meet them.”

    What I took away from that quote was this: I could control my own success and destiny by surrounding myself with the right kind of people. I was in control of my happiness and the way I felt.

    I could eliminate all the negativity in my life by removing certain people and adding new, empowering people in their place.

    This was really inspiring to me, but I underestimated how difficult it can be to meet new people.

    Sometimes, we don’t know what to say to start a conversation, or we start a conversation and run out of things to say. These are roadblocks to forming great friendships.

    After years of hard work and practice, I’ve mastered the art and science of meeting new people. And these are a couple of neat and fun ways you can do so.

    The Compliment Game: The Easiest Way To Start a Conversation with Anyone

    The Compliment Game is pretty self-explanatory.

    You make it a goal to go up to someone and give them a genuine compliment, followed by a brief question.

    For example, I might say, “I really like the color of that shirt. Where’d you get that?”

    Or I might say, “Your hair looks fantastic! Did you do something different?”

    Or even, “You have great taste in coffee. What do you recommend here?”

    Key things to remember: The compliments should be genuine (meaning you actually think what you’re saying is true) and it’s a game, so it should be fun.

    You don’t have worry about saying the perfect things or impressing anyone with your super-amazing attention to detail; just have fun with it.

    Think about some of the things you’d like to be complimented on.

    Maybe you have great taste in books, or are great at finding new music, or maybe you have skill for cooking amazing food. It can be anything, but shy away from flirty compliments; that can make people uncomfortable.

    Give others the gift of compliments in the same caliber you’d like to receive.

    This is a great way to start a conversation, because once they answer your question, you’ve opened the door for more discussion and potential friendship.

    Here’s another game you might try:

    The Sixty Second Introduction Game

    Again, the name pretty much explains the game.

    Make it a goal that within sixty seconds of entering a room, you will introduce yourself to at least one person.

    You don’t have to say anything complicated; you can keep it simply with something like:

    “Hi, how’s your morning going?”

    “Good morning! How are you?”

    “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Rob.”

    The key here is to be energetic and upbeat.

    You’ll notice you get very different responses when you say things in different ways.

    For example, saying any of the above introductions with a smile is going to go over much better than if you say it in a flat, monotone voice and with a straight face.

    Play around with this, too. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to get to know empowering and inspiring people.

    These games can be the first step toward surrounding yourself with five amazing friends or mentors.

    Neither you nor I should have to put up with negativity and mediocrity in our relationships.

    We owe it to ourselves to forge better friendships and a better future. Let’s not settle for less. Let’s have the relationships, the respect, and the love we desire and deserve.

    Friends high-fifing image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Weighing Yourself Down with Emotional Junk Food

    How to Stop Weighing Yourself Down with Emotional Junk Food

    Woman Jumping

    “Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” ~Rumi

    I want to feel better. Who doesn’t? Yoga makes me feel better most of the time, but if I am being totally honest, I don’t always choose the healthy option. In fact, sometimes I pick the worst thing for me.

    For me, a plate of BBQ wings really hits the spot. That is, until a few hours later when the salt and protein load kicks in and I feel terrible. Again.

    While I may oscillate between healthy and unhealthy choices for my body, I know how to get fit through gyms, diet programs, and physicians.

    But what about my steady diet of junk food thoughts? How do I stop consuming them and focus on a healthier emotional diet?

    Junk Food Thoughts

    Everyone knows about the negative effects of an unhealthy lifestyle, but no one teaches us about the negative health effects of our thoughts.

    Worry, stress, anxiety, guilt, shame, and fear are the potato chips, processed foods, and chocolate cake of our emotional life. As satisfying as they may feel in the moment, their negative effects are just as toxic.

    And, like we have particular food cravings, we have particular thought cravings.

    My First Emotional Cleanse

    I built a healthcare company and sold it to a Fortune 500 eleven years later. In 2006, I made the decision to change my career and pursue a path toward my passions.

    As I attempted to discover my true desires, I came face to face with my emotional junk food and its effects. I felt terrible, I felt weighed down, and I could not figure out why.

    Like my craving for a plate of BBQ wings, I craved certain thoughts when I faced the decision to leave my job:

    I cannot leave.
    I have to keep my job.
    What am I going to do all day?
    I am going to be so bored.
    I went from $15,000 a year to an executive salary and stock options. Who leaves that?
    My parents will never understand or support this decision.
    There is something else out there for me.
    What if I am wrong and this decision destroys everything I have worked for? 

    The thoughts that I was unaware of were as toxic as the foods I know to avoid. A thought—a single sentence—stood in the way of the life I desired.

    How to Stop Consuming Unhealthy Thoughts

    Tune into your thoughts.

    You cannot stop the negative effects of these thoughts without awareness of their existence. What are your go-to junk food thoughts? What do you tell yourself when you consider changing a relationship, a job, or any other important area of your life?

    What is the exact language? Just like you may love a certain brand of chocolate or a certain type of potato chip, you will have exact language for your emotional craving.

    Accept their destructive effects on your health.

    One sentence can stand between you and your goals. A sentence—a set of words—becomes a belief. This belief will drive your actions. As simple as this is in concept, in practice, changing a few words can change your life. If you change the belief, you can change your actions.

    In my case, removing one sentence, “I can’t leave my job,” changed my life.

    Trade in your junk food thoughts for nutritious thoughts.

    What nutritious foods do you like? Kale? Salads? Smoothies? Veggies and hummus? Likewise, what nutritional thoughts do you like?

    Replace junk food thoughts with nutritional thoughts and free yourself to pursue your dreams.

    Some examples of nutritional thoughts:

    Are you avoidant?

    Today, I will step forward.
    I believe in my abilities.
    I am ready.
    I will take one action a day until I complete my goal.

    Are you angry with someone?

    Today, I will have compassion.
    Anger is poison.
    When others hurt me, they are in pain and I have tapped into my pain.
    I don’t personalize other people’s pain.

    Are you holding on to resentments?

    Today, I will let go.
    Resentments have no value.
    Letting go does not mean I accept this person into my life.
    I am not a victim.

    Are you always behind and do your lists have lists?

    Today, I choose me.
    I will schedule one thing for myself today: a massage, a manicure, a workout, or a quiet room with a book.
    This is my life.
    I drive the choices I make with my time, even if it does not feel like it.

    —

    I wanted to leave my job and step into a career that was more aligned with my passion. One day, I discovered my problem was not the mundane details involved in changing jobs. It was the deep craving for my destructive thoughts.

    This time I reached for a healthier option:

    It is my right to follow my passions
    I am going to write, even if it is not perfect.
    I trust that my path will become clear, even if it is not obvious now.

    With these simple sentences, I changed my career and found the passion in my life that I really craved.

    I still struggle to make healthy choices, but now I understand that I have to forego my favorite BBQ wings and resist my favorite junk food thoughts.

    Jumping woman image via Shutterstock

  • We Can Be Positive Without Repressing Our Emotions

    We Can Be Positive Without Repressing Our Emotions

    “I’m stronger because of the hard times, wiser because of my mistakes, and happier because I have known sadness.” ~Unknown

    One day at my part-time job, my supervisor told me that my boss wanted to talk to me. This was completely unexpected, so I was a bit concerned. Everything had been going so incredibly smoothly in my life for the past week or two, and all I wanted was to keep that oh-so-wonderful peacefulness going.

    But when I came into her office, I knew in my entire being that something was off. My stomach clinched up and I could feel my heart starting to sink down to my feet. As she spoke the words, “We are cutting your position, so we don’t need you anymore” I could feel my body wilting.

    It was as if I were a flower that had just been placed out in the middle of the Sierra Desert without any water or trees in sight.

    I could feel the tears in my eyes begin to emerge. I quickly resisted and held them in to maintain my composure and professionalism.

    As I drove home and began to tell my boyfriend, friends, and family what had happened, I noticed that I continued to maintain this composure. No crying. No tears.

    This was a bit weird for me, as in the past year or two it had been incredibly easy for me to breakdown and cry whenever I felt upset, stressed, or overwhelmed with emotion.

    The next day, I shared my bad news once again with some peers. In that sharing I noticed something that I was doing: Every time sadness came up in my being, I denied it by making a comment like, “But this is good because…” or “Well, the good thing is that…”

    I was restricting my emotions with my insistent thoughts telling me to focus on the positive.

    In a world where New-Age positivity is running rampant in the self-help or self-improvement sections of bookstores, it can be easy for us to get so caught up in the “be positive” mindset that we end up repressing our emotions.

    In repressing our true emotions, we end up hurting ourselves more than we would have if we simply expressed them from the get-go.

    However, at the same time, positivity is certainly not a bad thing. Striving to look on the bright side can help us reduce stress and accomplish things that wouldn’t have been able to if we had been sitting around sulking in self-pity, despair, or negativity for weeks or months.

    So, how can we manage to find a balance of living in a positive mindset while still being true to our own emotions?

    When the feeling emerges, just let it out!

    Yes, there may be some circumstances where you may need to wait a bit, but be sure to let it out. If you feel a surge of sadness come over you, cry it out. If you need to talk about your feelings, confide in someone you trust.

    Don’t tell yourself to “look on the bright side.” Don’t tell yourself to focus on all the positive things.

    Just accept the feeling that you are experiencing and allow yourself to release it. You’ll notice that you feel better in doing so.

    When the feelings feel “cleared,” speak to yourself kindly and positively.

    If you lost your job, tell yourself throughout the day, “I am capable of getting another job” or “I may find something even more fulfilling.”

    If you’ve just gone through a break-up, tell yourself, “I am worthy of a supportive relationship” or “I am creating loving relationships in my life.”

    Shifting negative, worrisome thoughts to more empowering ones can help us gradually shift our energy from negative to positive.

    Many self-help authors tell us to “be positive” because having a positive attitude helps us get more out of life. People are attracted to positive energy. And positivity helps keep us motivated to continue doing the things we need to do.

    Remember that some feelings are going to linger—and that’s okay!

    Even if you think you cried it all out or talked it through sufficiently, your feelings may linger.

    You’re always going to experience sadness, worry, anger, and so on. It’s part of being human.

    So remember to acknowledge and accept that. Though there are certainly positive, happy, successful people out there, know that they still have their low moments and hard days too.

    The key to dealing with them successfully is to completely accept whatever you’re feeling, and consciously choose to work through it so you can let it go.