Tiny Buddha

Tag: Mistakes

  • Overcoming the Fear of Being Judged for Your Mistakes

    Overcoming the Fear of Being Judged for Your Mistakes

    Sad Woman

    “Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected, or disliked stop you from being yourself.” ~Sonya Parker

    For years I struggled with a nagging feeling of guilt. This was not for actual things I did, but just a feeling that anytime something went wrong in my life, it was somehow my fault.

    I came from a religious family of eleven kids. My dear mom, bless her heart, occasionally punished us all because she just didn’t have the time in her busy day to find the perpetrator.

    My older brother, the perpetrator of most of our punishments, found this all to be quite humorous. The rest of us did not.

    Was it our desperate appeals to him to be better behaved, or our mom’s reaction whenever she learned of his latest subterfuge that he found humorous? Such are the trials of growing up in a big family.

    It didn’t help that the nuns in school reinforced the necessity of admitting guilt and the importance of being in need of exoneration. If something bad happened to you, like skinning your knee, well it was just God punishing you for something you hadn’t been caught at.

    One would normally think that guilt stemmed from believing you might have hurt someone. It took me some time to figure out the reasons for my feelings I hadn’t hurt anyone, but I felt guilty.

    How Do We Untangle This Web of Guilty Feelings?

    I wanted to know why I was hanging on to these guilty feelings. Self-awareness is about setting aside things that others have said about you and paying attention instead to what you know about yourself to be true.

    I figured my guilt was very much attached to what I believed others might think of me.

    I was using guilt as a defense mechanism. I would blame myself first, hoping to find and correct my mistakes before anyone else found out. I hoped that extra alertness might allow me to avoid criticism and judgments from others.

    My true nemesis was the fear of being criticized. Keeping a ledger of past mistakes was my way of being vigilant to crush any mistakes before anyone found out.

    My ledger of mistakes: the things that I did or said because it was easy and convenient, what I did not do or say when I could have, blaming others in my thoughts or not showing kindness when I could have. I even kept track of my embarrassing moments so I would never do them again.

    I worried that if my mistakes were exposed, I would be judged, rejected, or disliked for them. And so I punished myself for them before anyone else could.

    This fear of being exposed led me to walk through life feeling guilty for who I was and for all the mistakes I’d made. These fears were controlling my life.

    I believed and feared that these mistakes were who I was, and if they were exposed, I would be exposed.

    So How Did We Conquer Those Fears?

    Fears are challenges that put us out of our comfort zone, and they are opportunities for real growth.

    I found my growth happening when I mustered up the courage to experiment. What would happen if I lived my day the way I wanted? What if I stopped worrying about others judging me?

    I started just doing my best.

    I sought out new skills when I wanted my work to be better, just to make it pleasing to me. I stopped trying to impress others and hide my faults. I let them see me so I could understand and get to know them better and learn from their experiences.

    Most of the time, I wasn’t judged or disapproved by others. Guess who was the biggest judge? Me!

    By facing my fears, I reduced them significantly and could live with them. Knowing that others didn’t criticize me was not enough. I still had to resolve the negative self-judgments I still thought about myself if I was going to really accept myself and be free of the guilt.

    So How Does One Get to Self-Acceptance?

    Accepting ourselves is about recognizing that we’ve done things that we are not proud of, and this is part of being human. There is a process for dealing with regrets: sorrow with compassion, remorse, then leading to forgiveness.

    That same process works for resolving those nagging guilty feelings for doing or not doing things that don’t have apparent negative impact on others. I’m talking about those times when I had negative thoughts or opinions about others, yet didn’t express them, or when I didn’t take a higher road when I could have.

    Our guilt becomes this reservoir of mistakes we made in life. Mistakes are part of being human. Sometimes we are just not prepared for situations.

    Having compassion for my humanity, I forgave myself for my mistakes. This opened me up to genuine acceptance for the human that I am, and that we all are.

    I got to know my real self. The real me was that person who took the risk of being judged by others.

    I was not my mistakes. I started getting to like me.

    Then something unexpected….

    I can still remember this moment. I had this feeling of love for me—faults and all. I am talking about the kind of love that you feel for someone you love deeply. I had never before felt this way about myself.

    You can do this too.

    Time to Be Done With Feeling Guilty

    If guilty feelings are nagging at you, there is a way out. Be self-aware by knowing what is true about you. Get out of your comfort zone and face those fears of exposure.

    You can change and make it better. Forgive and accept yourself inside, for who you really are. Be free of guilt and be yourself. One day you’ll find yourself loving you.

    Sad woman image via Shutterstock

  • Taking the Shame and Fear Out of Mistakes

    Taking the Shame and Fear Out of Mistakes

    Ashamed

    “The greatest mistake you can make in life is continually fearing that you’ll make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    There have been times in my life when I knew I was stuck, but instead of dealing with it I chose to backpedal to the “safest bet” for me at the time, whether it was the steady paycheck from a soul-crushing job or an abusive relationship.

    Then, one day, I suddenly realized that I had spent precious years just going through the motions.

    One reason I had gotten so stuck was because I had been trained from early childhood to avoid making any sort of mistake at all.

    In the first grade, I cut my ankle playing on a swing set. It quickly became so infected that I had to be hospitalized for many weeks.

    I have blocked most of this from my memory, but my family tells me that I became very sick with osteomyelitis, which is an infection that reaches the bone. The doctors weren’t sure if my leg would need to be amputated or not.

    My parents admit to me now that they had been very afraid that I was going to die.

    Luckily, I recovered after an operation designed to help remove the infection instead of an amputation. Even so, they continued to operate from a place of fear and vigilantly protected me from the possibility of getting hurt.

    My five-year-old self misinterpreted their wishes to keep me safe to mean that I was supposed to be perfect.

    So, instead of moving forward, learning, and possibly harmlessly tripping up somewhere along the way, I learned to look for the sure thing, the safe harbor. The perfect choice became inaction.

    We often won’t change until the situation becomes intolerable.

    It’s like the urban legend of the frog in a pan of water under a Bunsen burner in a laboratory somewhere. The temperature of the water is gradually increased until the frog slowly boils to death, unconsciously, or at least until the frog suddenly becomes conscious enough to realize that it is too late to jump.

    The frog legend illustrates that if something were immediately intolerable, we would effortlessly change.

    But when the change happens so very gradually, we often aren’t aware that the situation has morphed into something completely intolerable.

    I was never allowed to skip and fall when I was a child. Although my parents loved me, after my hospital stay they were filled with fear that something would harm me again.

    If something went wrong, then one of them would have to rescue me. Worse than that, I was lectured so much about the dangers of failing at something that I often didn’t even try to begin. It was so much easier that way.

    Since I never learned how to handle mistakes and failing, I kept doing the things I considered safe, easy, and predictable.

    By protecting myself from falling, failing, or feeling uncomfortable, I became stuck in the place of not trying. I inadvertently had set up my life so there were no surprises and no chances of making a mistake.

    By doing that, I was limiting my learning and my evolution. Life became predictable and stagnant. I had essentially become my own boiling frog. Only recently have I jumped.

    I’ve learned that I need to make mistakes and face failure if I’m going to make any changes in my life. Here is what I have learned about failure and mistakes:

    1. View mistakes as learning experiences and stepping-stones to get where you want to go.

    “I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ~Thomas Edison

    We all make mistakes when we are learning. It’s the forward motion that’s important, no matter how small.

    2. Stop comparing yourself to others.

    “Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt

    We often have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and compare ourselves to those with much greater expertise when we are just beginning. Even the experts made mistakes when they were learning.

    3. Mistakes are seldom fatal.

    “Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it’s a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.” ~Al Franken

    You will live. It’s important to learn to admit that we are human, we make mistakes, and we learn from them. Mistakes are about learning, not about shame.

    4. It takes guts to get up wherever you may fall, brush yourself off, and to try again.

    “The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time.” ~Brené Brown

    If the direction you are going is true to your heart, you simply need to keep honing your skills.

    5. If you are truly not learning and you keep making the same mistakes, it may be the truth coming out.

    “The most confused you will get is when you try to convince your heart and spirit of something your mind knows is a lie.” ~Shannon L. Adler

    Almost always, it doesn’t work because it isn’t beneficial for you. Move on in a completely different direction. At the time, we may consider what happened to be a failure, but it is almost always a blessing in disguise.

    The only way we can become unstuck is through movement. And, when we move in any direction, we will invariably make mistakes and experience failure along the way. But is it really a “mistake” or a “failure” if we learn something and move forward?

    Ashamed man image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Tips to Embrace Imperfections and Bounce Back from Mistakes

    3 Tips to Embrace Imperfections and Bounce Back from Mistakes

    Happy Woman

    “There is a kind of beauty in imperfection.” ~Conrad Hall

    Back when I was a teenager, I was kind of a perfectionist. Or, well, I wasn’t really a perfectionist—I was actually a “fake” perfectionist.

    Allow me to explain: I put on the perfectionist persona. I acted and behaved in a certain way so that everyone (including both my fellow classmates and teachers) thought and believed that I was the perfect student when I wasn’t.

    Everybody thought I was the student who got straight A’s, was a bookworm, was involved in every extracurricular activity that ever existed, never got in trouble in school for anything ever, and was an overall stellar student.

    Though some of those things were kind of true—I mean, I was involved in a lot of activities and I never did get a detention ever—I was very far from a stellar student.

    I didn’t get A’s in middle and high school; I mostly got C’s. I certainly wasn’t a bookworm; I hated reading all this fiction stuff I was told to write book reports on.

    The truth of it all was that I was really stellar at one thing: faking my own perfection. I had mastered the skill of being seen as the perfect, most stellar student in order to hide my own shortcomings.  

    I was trying to hide that I wasn’t so great at studying and getting good grades. I was trying to hide that I did, in fact, get in trouble every so often.

    I was trying to hide my own imperfections. I was terrified that the world would see that I had weaknesses and inner wounds. I feared that others would know that there were tasks that I was not good at or just flat-out could not do.

    To this day, the fear of others seeing my imperfections is still an issue to some extent. Like the fear of judgment that comes up whenever I make a typo in an article or whenever I give a presentation and accidentally mispronounce a word.

    My inner critic still likes to creep in and try to debilitate me from moving forward.

    Whether we are a child trying to avoid bad grades or an adult who is trying to write the perfect book, we are all struggling with accepting our own imperfections.

    We are all on the journey of hindering the voice of our inner critic and allowing our true selves (imperfections and all) to be seen.

    Here are three ways that can help you create a habit of accepting your own imperfections:

    1. Focus on utilizing your strengths, not your weaknesses.

    Many of us grew up societies where we were told we have to really focus on strengthening our weaknesses. If we weren’t great at math, then we got the idea that we needed to spend more of our time and energy strengthening our abilities in math.

    Though there are benefits to strengthening our weaknesses, it can really cause a blow to our self-esteem and motivation to focus on them. We can develop the idea that just because we are not good at this one thing, then we are a failure.

    So ask yourself: What things am I really good at? Is it music? Languages? Writing? Speaking? Physics? Identify what things come natural to you and make it a goal to really enhance your gifts so you can be the best that you can be.

    2. When you mess up, say to yourself, “I am beautiful!” Then write down all the ways that you are beautiful.

    Let’s get real here: Whether you are doing something that is your strength or your weakness, at some point or another you are going to mess up.

    The problem, however, is that when we do mess up, many of us shut down. We stop trying, and our inner critic starts telling us how we are not good enough.

    Next time you mess up when you’re doing something, say out loud, “I am beautiful!” Then get out a sheet of paper and write down ways that you are beautiful. What are the good things that you do for others? What are the amazingly beautiful qualities that you have?

    To enhance this even more, make it a habit to do this same thing when someone else messes up.  See someone trip over their words during a speech? Remind yourself that they are beautiful, and why. See someone make a typo? Remind yourself that they are beautiful, and then write down a quality that they possess that makes them so beautiful.

    We are all connected, so by sending other people love when they expose their own imperfections, we will give ourselves space to heal as well.

    3. When you mess up, just keep going.

    For many of us, the problem is that when we mess up, we just stop working. We get so caught up in the belief of “I am not good enough” that we stop ourselves from moving forward.

    I struggled with this constantly when I took my very first watercolor painting class two years ago while I was living in Korea. Over and over again I found myself making a small error, getting all worked up about it, shutting down, and basically just wanting my art teacher to do it for me.

    Over time I gradually learned to just let it go and keep going. I ultimately developed and strengthened my skills by setting the intention to keep going regardless of any errors I made along the way.

    So, whenever you do mess up, whether that be using the wrong brush for that one stroke, saying the wrong thing, losing something important, or tripping over your own two feet, just brush it off and keep on going.

    Breaking down, stopping, and worrying about it doesn’t allow us heal and transform. Accepting the mistake and continuing to act does!

    Happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Let Go of Guilt and Regret and Forgive Yourself

    How to Let Go of Guilt and Regret and Forgive Yourself

    “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boes

    In October of 2010 I was engaged after only three weeks of dating. I was scared to tell my family, but I was terrified to tell my father. My parents divorced when I was five, and I couldn’t spend weekends at Dad’s because he lived thousands of miles away. I saved him for last and decided to take the cowardly way out by emailing him.

    It was not the best decision I’ve ever made. Not only did it infuriate and hurt him, it ended up producing a phone call that would alter my life forever. It was a call filled with horrible words that left me in tears and him hanging up on me. I’ve managed to erase most of the words from my head but not how devastating they felt.

    Six months later we were married in a private ceremony on a beach in Jamaica. After we got back I was still bothered by the fight I had with my father, but I tried to push it to the back of my mind.

    Shortly after, my father began reaching out to me through emails and voicemail. He wanted to meet my new husband and see me. Through email, things became pleasant and we made plans to come visit him in Florida that August.

    My father left another voicemail saying he was still waiting for me to call back and tell him about my trip, yet something was stopping me. Fear, dread, anxiety, and many other emotions made me freeze at the thought of picking up the phone and calling him.

    What if this phone call turns out like the last? Every day I came up with a new excuse and told myself I would call the next day. This was until I ran out of days.

    Two months later my oldest brother called me at work to tell me Dad had passed away that morning. He had been sick for some time, but because of our strained relationship and the strained relationship he had with most of my other siblings, I had no idea how sick. I do remember the first thought that went through my head. I can’t call him back….ever.

    After my father’s death I fell into a foggy depression. For a long time I was unable to focus at work, I isolated myself from all of my friends, and tried to avoid anything that required being social or productive. I was holding myself back from living and slowly dying myself.

    My husband, who was my savior and biggest support system, helped pushed me toward the road to self-forgiveness by asking me this question: “Why can you forgive your father for being absent most of your life, yet you can’t forgive yourself for not calling him back? I don’t get it.” I didn’t either.

    It was time to let go of the guilt, and from then on as I began my days with sadness, I searched for different ways to get rid of it.

    Reach out to others who can help you understand.

    When I was feeling upset, I would ask my mom questions about my dad. I learned more about him in the short time after his death than I knew during his whole life. Her stories helped explain to me why he was the way he was, and in return it helped me realize why I was the way I was. His tendency to avoid confrontation and taking the easy way out made me realize I was my father’s daughter.

    Whether it’s a family member, a friend, or even a therapist, reaching out to someone may lead to answers that help you better understand yourself and your situation.

    Channel your present guilt and regret into something else.

    I didn’t risk calling my father, so I took another risk. For many years it had been my personal and professional dream to write and publish a children’s picture book. I started asking around if anyone knew of someone who could illustrate my story.

    When I asked my mother, she replied, “Your father. He was so good at drawing. He was so good at painting too.” Over time she showed me some of the ceramic pieces he painted years ago.

    Right then I felt even more determined to find an illustrator and self publish my story. Most importantly, it made me feel closer to him. Learning about his hidden talent was like a push from him to go through with my dream.

    What has been your life long dream? There’s no better time than the now to start going after it. The journey you take and the energy you put into it are worth the rewards.

    Change your environment.

    I started to surround myself with those who showed me that life is limitless, children. I took up a nanny job and started to spend more time with my nieces. There’s nothing like the excitement and positive outlook of a child to show you there is more to life than the bad things you experience. You cry over something, you pick yourself up, and start to play again.

    It was hard to let sadness consume me after spending the day with constantly laughing and eager to explore children. They reminded me to enjoy the little things I’d taken for granted. They reminded me the future will be okay.

    Migrate to positive people in your life or new ones you meet. A different perspective on life may help change yours as well.

    Stopped dwelling on the what ifs and focus on the positive results.

    I still hear his last voicemail in my head to this day. “Steph, I’m waiting for you to call me back and tell me about your trip.” No, I never called him back and our last conversation will always be a fight. But that fight sparked a reconciliation. It sparked effort on his part, effort I had been waiting for, for a very long time.

    You can’t go and change the past, so there’s no point in obsessing over it. Even if it takes you months to figure it out, search for the positive that resulted from your negative situation.

    Believe that you deserve to be forgiven.

    I still haven’t 100% forgiven myself, but I’m getting there. I consider myself lucky because on the days that aren’t so good and I can‘t call him back…ever, I get comfort from my biggest support system. It is the support system whom my father wanted to meet and get to know, my husband.

    When I remember the progress my father and I were making, it helps put me at ease and I can breath a little easier. It also helps me to hope and work for great things in the future. I deserve my own forgiveness and I know my father believes I do as well.

    Believe you deserve to be forgiven. We are not perfect but we are still worthy of happiness. Once you can accept that, self-forgiveness will follow and enlarge a future filled with greatness. The world is your canvas, but if you continue to let guilt hold you back, it will forever remain blank. Pick yourself up and start to play again.

  • What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself

    What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself

    “Self-love requires you to be honest about your current choices and thought patterns and undertake new practices that reflect self-worth.” ~Caroline Kirk

    If one more person told me to “love myself” I was going to levitate into the air and pull one of those impossible martial arts moves from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I was sick of it!

    What the heck does loving myself mean? Were they talking about bubble baths, pedicures, and cucumber masks? It turns out there is so much more to self-love than just pampering ourselves. I found this out the hard way.

    About a year and a half ago, I almost died after a bad breakup. I had devoted so much of my energy to making the relationship work that I had completely neglected my own needs, and had given away my power and my responsibility for happiness.

    As I wrote about here, when I finally developed the courage to end an addictive and painful relationship, I had to live with the effects of lack of self-love.

    I struggled to eat, sleep, or continue my daily functioning. I spent every waking hour to myself, trying to understand how and why I had gotten there. I had to know, because whatever it was, if I did not attend to it, this was going to be the end of the road for me. I knew it.

    I made mixed media collages, journaled, watched The Notebook five more times, cried, and called up friends to keep me company while I ate my few bites each day.

    During this whole time, I found places in my story where I was not present to my own life, my body, or my spirit. I was just there. I found the places where I had abandoned myself and then gotten mad at the other person for not meeting my needs.

    The truth was, I did not have a big enough inner container to hold the love I so desired even if I received it, because my self-love tank had shrunk down to the size of a bottle cap.

    It finally became very clear to me that there was one core reason I had gotten there: I did not know anything about self-love.

    This realization launched me into a relentless search for the meaning of self-love, internally and externally.

    I found that self-love is a not a destination; it’s a practice. Self-love is the foundation on which we build a happy life. Without self-love, we have nowhere to put the love or abundance that comes to us.

    Not sure what it looks like to love yourself? Here is what I’ve learned. Self-love is…

    1. Choosing ourselves, even if it means upsetting others and not being popular anymore. Even if it means we leave a party before anyone else because we feel tired, overwhelmed, or just plain feel done with the crowd.

    2. Telling what is true for us, not swallowing words that express what we truly feel, think, or want to do.

    3. Giving our body the nurturing, rest, exercise, and comfort it needs to the best of our ability.

    4. Wearing clothes that make us feel good and fit our personality instead of wearing clothes that are in fashion that we use to impress others.

    5. Building a life that we love while we are single instead of waiting for our prince/princess to show up to explore life and to be happy.

    6. Accepting ourselves with the good, the bad, the ugly, the sexy, and the smelly—all of it—and appreciating ourselves as whole people.

    7. Making time to do whatever we love, just to play, without worrying about wasting time.

    8. Owning our inner and outer beauty and complimenting ourselves without feeling guilty, arrogant, or entitled.

    9. Not rehashing our past mistakes and dragging ourselves to a dark place when we know that we can only learn from the past; we can’t change it.

    10. Spending some quality, connected time with ourselves instead of always watching TV or wasting time on the Internet.

    11. Using discretion when sharing our heart, self, and dreams with others.

    12. Trusting the path that our soul is on and making a genuine effort to become a conscious co-creator of our destiny.

    13. Not blaming our parents for our current issues, and looking for ways to heal our wounds and change our dysfunctional patterned behaviors by reaching out to ministers, therapists, coaches, and healers.

    14. Following what our gut/intuition says instead of living out of our brain and ego.

    15. Staying in our integrity, both when it comes to ourselves and when interacting with others out in the world. This includes keeping ourselves in check regarding patterns such as lying, manipulating, co-depending, withholding, and pretending.

    16. Allowing ourselves to dream big, without contaminating these dreams with judgments, our perceived limitations, or a lack of sense of deserving.

    17. Knowing how we’re spending our emotional, mental, financial, and physical energy, and whether these activities bring back joy, connection, nurturing, rest, and creativity to our lives.

    18. Taking responsibility for all of our experiences. Knowing that we have the ability for deeper self-awareness and access to our intuition when it comes to making life choices.

    19. Not labeling ourselves with others’ opinions of us, while having the courage to look inside to see if there might be some truth to them.

    20. Learning to set boundaries that protect and nurture our relationships, with ourselves and others.

    21. Allowing ourselves to make mistakes and not berating ourselves for making them. Instead, choosing to appreciate our desire to learn and grow.

    22. Refusing to seek permission or approval to be ourselves. Recognizing that we, like everyone else, deserve to take up space on this planet just as who we are right now.

    And lastly, self-love is:

    23. Loving and accepting ourselves even when we fail miserably at some of these self-love goals.

    No one else can offer these things to us. No one else can take our vitamins for us or prevent us from going into a self-loathing attack.

    Even if we land the best partner on the planet, this person won’t be able to make us happy and feel loved unless we create the space for it inside by practicing self-love. This is why self-love is an inside job.

    From my heart to your heart…

  • It’s a Great Day to Make a Mistake

    It’s a Great Day to Make a Mistake

    Why are we so terrified of making mistakes? Why are we killing our creativity and curiosity with our desire for efficiency and conformity?

    Today is a great day to make a mistake—and here’s why that’s a good thing.

  • How to Deal with Regret: 8 Ways to Benefit and Move Forward

    How to Deal with Regret: 8 Ways to Benefit and Move Forward

    “Stay away from what might have been and look at what can be.” ~Marsha Petrie Sue

    When I look back at some of the most painful moments of my life, I see myself sitting alone, feeling either immense shame or regret.

    It’s bizarre how we can get so offended and angry when other people hurt us and yet repeatedly choose to torture ourselves, far worse than they possibly could, through repeated mental rehashing.

    For the longest time, my biggest regret revolved around missing out on life.

    From a distance, people always thought I had everything going for me. Up close, you could see the cracks in that facade. No matter what I got, I was painfully discontent and depressed, and often isolated in fear.

    I remember my last night in NYC at twenty-five, sitting in a tiny boxed-up efficiency studio apartment that I rented in a low-income building. I’d been in the apple for two and a half years, and my greatest accomplishments were barely noticeable to anyone but myself.

    Granted, they were big ones: I’d quit smoking, formed a yoga practice, and begun the slow uphill climb to liking who I was.

    But the list of what I didn’t do often felt far more compelling: I didn’t form many real friendships, I never had a storybook NYC romance like I dreamed about, and I never even once auditioned for a play after growing up on the stage.

    I went to NYC to convince the world I was strong, then I broke into a million little pieces and, in stubborn resistance to “giving up,” spent two years trying to glue myself back together.

    For a long time I regretted that I went to the city where dreams come true and did absolutely nothing to go after mine. Then I realized something: I was not that girl anymore, and in another second, I would again be someone new.

    At any moment I could let go of the weight of who I’d been and allow myself a better chance of becoming who I wanted to be.

    What I did or didn’t do could either paralyze me further or motivate me to do something now—something not conceived in reaction to past disappointments but born completely anew from a moment of strength and empowerment. (more…)

  • 5 Ways to Seize the Moment and Live Without Regrets

    5 Ways to Seize the Moment and Live Without Regrets

    The Jubilant Man

    “Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence, and face your future without fear.” ~Unknown

    Samara is my colleague at work. She is one of the most pleasant ladies I know. She always has a smile and an encouraging word to give.

    She really is the kind of woman you want to speak to on the days you feel like life has dealt you a bad hand, because she always has something comforting to say. As we got closer, I confided more and more in her about the challenges I was going through in my life.

    I envisioned that her life must be perfect since she has such inner strength.

    But I was wrong.

    One day I noticed she had a sad countenance. That was strange because Samara was like sunshine itself. However, her sad countenance did not last, and before long she had her signature smile back on.

    But I was not deceived. I knew that deep inside her, she was experiencing some pain, so I asked her what was wrong.

    At first, she smiled and said that all was well. But I insisted that she confide in me. She looked me in the eyes, thanked me for caring, and then dropped the bombshell.

    “My six-year-old daughter has been in a critical condition for the past six months because of my carelessness. I saw her yesterday and her situation seems to have worsened. I think she is going to die.”

    For a second, I could not speak. I was in shock.

    “I am so sorry,” I managed to stammer, trying not to let her see how shaken I was by the shocking statement I had just heard.

    She explained to me that six months ago, she had stopped at a supermarket to get a few things. And because she was in a hurry, she had left her daughter in the car with the engine running. Her daughter had managed to engage the gear and the car had sped into the road, right into an oncoming trailer, and she had been seriously injured.

    The tears rolled down my face as she narrated this horrific story to me.

    She assured me that she had managed to forgive herself and had replaced regrets with gratitude for the six years she spent with her daughter.

    I recalled with a sense of embarrassment all the fuss I sometimes make over little things that, in light of what I’d just heard from Samara, now seem really insignificant.

    My marriage was not working out the way I wanted it to and everyday I lived with regret that I married my husband. I made a career change, which has turned out to be a very poor decision, and I have not been able to forgive myself.

    I realized that I spend too much of my time dwelling on all the mistakes I have made in the past. I spend too much time regretting things that I have no power to change. I spend too much time wishing things were different. I spend too much time beating myself up over what I’ve done.

    Over the years after that encounter, I determined to live a more positive life, free of regrets. Here are five ways I’ve learned to do that:

    1. Live your life with purpose.

    I realized that my career was doing badly because I did not have a career plan. I just drifted through my days without something to look forward to, so my life lacked momentum.

    Determine to live a life of focus. Today, take a stand on one thing you want to achieve in your life and draw up a plan to accomplish it.

    2. Stop making excuses.

    I blamed everybody else for the way my life turned out. I blamed my husband for the failure of my marriage and I blamed my boss for not promoting me.

    I am responsible for my life and not anybody else. Instead of making excuses, I need to take responsibility.

    It doesn’t matter what the obstacles in your life are. You can achieve almost anything if you put your mind to it. Helen Keller and Jon Morrow are examples of people who achieved excellence despite physical disabilities.

    Look within yourself. There is something waiting to be birthed. Find what that something is and do it, without excuses.

    3. Choose not to be a victim.

    At a point, I thought I had made such a mess of my life that there was no point trying to put things right. So I gave up trying. I mulled over my mistakes every day and went deeper into regrets.

    None of this helped me. I only started making progress when I embraced my mistakes, determined not to make them again, and resumed chasing my dreams.

    Life is not fair for any one of us. There will be storms and you will make mistakes. But be determined to get up as many times as life pushes you down. Forgive yourself, learn the lessons, and go on working toward your goals.

    The more time you spend feeling sorry for yourself, the less time you have to pursue the life of your dreams.

    4. Stop comparing yourself to others.

    I could not stop comparing myself to others. Everybody seemed to be happier than me, their marriages seemed to be faring better, and I seemed to be the only person with a less than fulfilling career.

    This made me feel even worse. I wondered what others were doing that I was not. Their progress in life seemed to dampen my spirit.

    Over time, I realized that comparing yourself with others is one of the greatest mistakes anybody can make. No matter who you are or where you find yourself in life, always remember that you have your own unique path to walk.

    Never compare yourself, your struggles, and your journey to anyone else, for that would only distract you from your own.

    We are all different. Forget about others and focus on fulfilling your own life dreams.

    5. Take action now.

    After I drew up a career plan for myself, I still lacked the courage to follow my plan. I wasted a lot of time because I was afraid that I would fail and I did not have to courage to start. So I continued to push things off.

    It’s funny how so many people seem to think that tomorrow is better than today for getting things done. We put off those things that are important to us and we lie to ourselves by saying that we will do them later.

    Whatever you need to do, do it now! Today is the tomorrow you planned for yesterday, so start today.

    My chat with Samara that day was a wake up call. I promised myself that day that I would not waste any more precious moments of my life regretting. I have been able to do that and have discovered inner peace in the process.

    So I urge you to do the same. Don’t waste any more time on regrets. Learn the lesson and move on. There’s still a lot of life in you. Go out there and live it!

    Photo by Benson Kua

  • You’re Not Behind; You’re Just on Your Own Path

    You’re Not Behind; You’re Just on Your Own Path

    Man on a Path

    “To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” ~Sven Goran Eriksson

    Endlessly comparing ourselves to others and idealizing their best qualities while underestimating our own are self-defeating behaviors, and they hurt our self-esteem. Yet in the competitive nature of our world, many of us do this.

    As a result of my own self-defeating thoughts, throughout my life, I’ve repeatedly felt like I was five years behind where I “should” be.

    After high school graduation, many of my peers went away to school and into a new wave of social experiences.

    I stayed home, worked, and went to see a lot of bands play, and when I started gaining more life experience of my own, I felt like I was in catch-up mode and ashamed that I hadn’t gotten some of these experiences out of the way earlier.

    I had a rocky college career, bouncing between, in, and out of schools, finally completing my English degree when I was twenty-five and feeling absolutely no further toward a career than I had before I’d started.

    Attracted to web development because it offered the possibility of working remotely, I learned on the side and eventually landed a job at a small web shop. I was twenty-eight, but felt behind compared to those who had their career paths charted early on, and stacked resumes.

    I decided to start freelancing with only one solid client and hoped that I’d be able to sustain myself enough to stay location independent.

    After a few years of this, though I still loved the flexibility freelancing offered, I started feeling the need for my work to not only provide for myself, but to also contribute something positive to the world. Now in my mid thirties, I feel like I need to reevaluate again, but compared to others whom are solidifying relationships and buying property, I feel behind.

    In the examples above, I’m comparing my path to others that aren’t my own.

    If you can relate, try reframing these thoughts as a more accurate reflection of yourself and celebration of your own personal journey.

    What did you want? Often when we compare ourselves to others, we are comparing ourselves to an ideal that might appear to be favored by society, media, or whatever, but it’s really not that interesting to us.

    After high school, I remember distinctly not wanting to go away to school and thinking dorm life was a manufactured environment that didn’t represent real life. I wanted to hang out with my best friend and go see live music.

    As I’ve become more self-aware, I’ve realized my anti-dorming position probably reflected my high levels of social anxiety and that the experience, though difficult at times, would have had a positive impact, though I would have probably missed a lot of awesome shows.

    What you wanted from life then might not be what you want now, and that’s okay because throughout life, we change and gain insight. The decisions you made likely reflected where you were in life at that point. Maybe it was the “right” decision or maybe it wasn’t, but celebrate yourself either way.

    Look at the positive side of your life path. Read between the lines and don’t focus on the negatives of what you didn’t do.

    When I was fourteen, my father took me to England for a couple weeks and it left me with a lasting desire to enjoy traveling beyond the confines of the “paid time off” policies at many jobs in the United States.

    I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of school, so it’s probably no surprise that while I bounced between academic institutions, I also spent some of that time period traveling abroad and hence, nurturing and developing a huge part of who I am.

    Choices made to appease what you perceive others think you should be doing, rather than what nurtures you, are self-negating. And though they may seem like shortcuts, they will often not bring you any closer to fulfillment.

    Focus on what your unique cocktail of nurture and nature enabled you to accomplish.

    While others found their career path early, I was sweating inside the back of a 3,000-cubic-foot truck, working 5am merchandising shifts at a major retailer with a group of people that ended up feeling like a family, and I know I will stay in touch with some of them for the rest of my life.

    The work felt honest and the people even better, and those are two of the most valuable things in life to me.

    While others were sculpting their career, networking, and building relationships, spurred on by my earlier travels, I started to freelance and accomplished a lifelong dream of working remotely abroad.

    I took an extended trip to Europe and two years later, did the same thing in South America. While my career development suffered most likely, accomplishing this goal was a priority, and I created memories that I will always cherish.

    Take a moment and you can probably think about when you took a less traveled road and accomplished something beautiful.

    Celebrate what you love about your personality and how those qualities have contributed to your life experience.

    It’s easy to confuse what you want to work on with those qualities that you’re quite happy with.

    If I go to a large social gathering, the introvert in me will spend time processing, observing, and taking everything in. I can be pretty quiet initially, but I’m okay with this because the attributes that make me identify as an introvert also have enabled me to form deep friendships, be sensitive to others and the world around me, and to feel on a very deep level.

    At that same social gathering, I might be hanging out in a small group listening when I think of a relevant story that I’d love to share, but social anxiety renders me quiet because I’m afraid my storytelling will not hold their attention.

    Introversion and social anxiety can sometimes be confused, but they are different concepts. Being introverted has enabled me to experience life in a unique way, but only social anxiety has held me back at times from participating in life like I want to.

    Sometimes, two aspects of yourself produce similar symptoms. When you make the decision to work on a behavior, make sure that you’re targeting the right one.

    —

    I still catch my mind comparing myself to the ideals we are constantly subjected to by society and feeling like I will never catch up. But then I center myself and realize I’m comparing myself to an ideal that is not necessarily applicable to me, and that I need to stay true to my own path. Life is much more personal, complex, and nuanced.

    Perhaps there are times when you feel five years behind. But really, you’re constantly learning about yourself and sculpting a life that is a reflection of that, and that’s exactly where you need to be.

    Celebrate the path of others but most importantly, celebrate your own, because you’ve likely been living a pretty honest existence all along.

    Photo by h.koppdelaney

  • Doodle Art Alley: Mistakes Are Proof That You’re Trying

    Doodle Art Alley: Mistakes Are Proof That You’re Trying

    Mistakes Are Proof

    Source: Miss Martin’s Classroom via Doodle Art Alley

  • 6 Simple Personal Commitments to Overcome Low Self-Esteem

    6 Simple Personal Commitments to Overcome Low Self-Esteem

    “Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”  ~Iyanla Vanzant

    You’re smart, funny, and genuinely good at heart.

    You have ideas that could solve many of the problems you see around you. You could regale people with interesting stories that crack them up. You could be the perfect partner, parent, or friend.

    But you don’t always live up to that potential.

    Something holds you back.

    Something tells you that your ideas are not worth announcing in public. Something keeps you from sharing your interesting stories. Something stops you from giving all you’ve got and taking all you need from your closest relationships.

    Even though you know that you can be so much more, deep down you have a nagging feeling that you are not worthy of greatness, accolade, pure joy, and happiness.

    Low self-esteem is keeping you from living your life to the fullest.

    Who Suffers More from Low Self Esteem—a Shy Person or a Gregarious One?

    I’ve always been gregarious, outspoken, and very extroverted. My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet and introverted.

    When I met him, I used to think he was shy and maybe lacked the confidence to speak up, like I did. Fifteen years of being together has shown me how very wrong I was.

    While I have always bounced back and forth between lack of confidence and overconfidence, my husband has been very even keeled, almost unnaturally so. He doesn’t get fazed by what people say. His decisions are not dependent on what others think. He has such a deep-seated sense of self-worth that nothing seems to affect him.

    Slowly, I’ve come to realize that self-esteem has nothing to do with being gregarious/extroverted or shy/introverted. It comes from a place much deeper, from within yourself.

    As a consequence, there are no quick fix solutions or magic pills that can improve self-esteem overnight.

    On the other hand, if you consciously commit to conduct yourself right, no matter what the situation is, you can permanently increase your sense of self-worth.

    I’ve been putting this theory to test over the past couple of years and have started noticing a much more deep-seated sense of calm within, from which a strong sense of self-worth has emerged.

    Here is a list of six simple commitments that have made the biggest difference to me:

    1. Stop pretending in an attempt to please other people.

    Have you heard the quote “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time”? Knowing that someday you will be “found out” is what kills the self-esteem.

    Hard as it is and vulnerable as you will feel, let go of your pretenses. Just be your authentic self. At first, the fear is crippling, but if you manage to get past the initial fear and take the plunge, it’s so liberating. And that freedom to be who you are, without excuses or pretenses, paves the way for a much healthier self-esteem.

    2. Learn to say no. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

    Often we say yes because of the fear of authority, the fear of hurting someone’s feelings, or worries that we will let someone down. But every time you say a yes that you don’t mean, you’ll end up doing a half-hearted job. And then you are unhappy that you said what you didn’t want to say, and you are unhappy that you did such a lousy job of what you said you would do.

    Break out of that habit. Instead, just say what you mean and mean what you say. You don’t have to be rude about it; just be firm and decisive. Developing the ability to speak your mind in a kind but firm manner, and to really deliver on your promises, will go a long way in building lasting self-esteem.

    3. Grant yourself the permission to make mistakes, and see them as opportunities for growth.

    You can beat yourself up over a failure, or you can give yourself the permission to make mistakes and vow to learn from them. Let’s face it, whichever route you take, you will still make some mistakes in your life. One approach chips away at your self-esteem; the other helps you become a better person. Which sounds like a better choice to you?

    4. Take responsibility for your actions.

    Again, at some point or the other in your life, intentionally or accidentally, you will let others down. When that happens, quit making excuses and accept them as a consequence of your choices. Quit the regret and focus on repair.

    Always be prepared to say “I’m sorry” followed by “How can I fix it?” and make sure you put in genuine effort to fix things in a way that is acceptable to everyone involved. It takes a lot of effort, but a healthy self-esteem is rooted in knowing that you always do the right thing.

    5. Help others.

    No amount of fortune, fame, success, beauty, intelligence, or strength can give you the same sense of personal gratification or a sense of purpose as a genuine “thank you” from someone you help.

    When you stop being so wrapped up in your own worries, sorrows, and melodrama and start being a part of the bigger picture, with a role to play in this universe, your sense of self-worth and self-esteem gets a whole new definition. Give freely. Help whenever you can. You will get more than what you thought you ever needed.

    6. Immerse yourself in whatever you decide to do. Quit worrying about your choices.

    Either do something or don’t. Stop second-guessing your choices.

    For instance, if you want to make some tea, first learn how to make tea. Next gather all the ingredients you need. And then make tea.

    Don’t worry about whether it will come out right. Don’t worry if anyone will like it. Don’t worry about whether you are worthy of making tea. Don’t worry about coffee drinkers. Don’t worry if you will ever get to make tea again. Don’t worry about what you will do after you make tea. Just. make. tea. And when you are done, move on.

    Constantly worrying about your choice as you make the tea will not do any good to you, the tea, or anyone else around you. Immerse yourself in what you do.

    Your self-esteem is a measure of how worthy you think you are. Don’t look outward for affirmations. Set your own expectations of who you should be and then do all you can to live up to those expectations. You have it in you to be the person you can be proud of.

    Commit to it and go become that person!

  • Use Self-Acceptance to Learn from the Past and Let It Go

    Use Self-Acceptance to Learn from the Past and Let It Go

    Let Go

    “The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” ~Ralph Blum

    We are all familiar with the concept of “releasing the past.”

    As one who has experienced lots of events in my life that I’ve been anxious, at times, to let go of, I’m very familiar with this concept.

    We want to be present to fully experience everything in our lives, without being tethered to what has already occurred; we want to be ready, willing, and in the moment so we can take what comes at its face value. (Just in case you’re wondering, for me it’s a work in progress!)

    We do not want to evaluate our current and future experiences based on a past that we may, or may not have, enjoyed.

    I didn’t start to seriously consider my own desire to let go of the past until I came out of a really bad relationship.

    Part of my personal process of healing was some intense internal questioning and exploration of the experience. I started considering what I might actually want from a relationship, and what qualities I’d prefer in a partner.

    I realized I was thinking of what I wanted in terms of what I didn’t want.

    These “don’t wants” were all things I’d already experienced in the previous relationship. I recognized that I was actually anxious and nervous at the idea of the “don’t wants” occurring again, and that’s when I realized it was time to let go.

    This experience, and others, also helped me to realize that the desire to “release the past” is at odds with the common admonishment that we learn from it.

    When we are small, we learn by trying over and over (and sometimes over and over and over) again. We did not use a spoon correctly on the first attempt; nor did we walk without falling on our diapered butts many times. This is an absolutely normal part of the learning process.

    We were not born with the tendency to judge ourselves for how many times over we try; that came later. At some point, “attempts” became “mistakes,” and the self-judgment kicked in.

    This occurs in conjunction with recognizing the cultural belief that responsible people learn from their mistakes. This is a concept we value very highly in our human tribe. There is often great negative judgment placed on people who, it is perceived, make the same “mistakes” over and over.

    Most of us want to avoid feeling judged (by ourselves and others) and the unpleasant emotions that come with it, so we readily accept that we must learn from our errors.

    One of the ways we try to do this is by maintaining the related images and inner dialogue of the past in our present consciousness. Think of it as the past being front and center, right in our faces.

    It’s tough to let go of something that we are also maintaining a hold on so we do not forget it, and therefore repeat it.

    How can we move forward, both with releasing the past, and learning from it?

    Self-acceptance.

    When we consciously desire to let go of an old experience, what we are often actually saying is, “I’m not okay with what happened and I want to pretend it never occurred.” Not a lot of acceptance in that sentence, self or otherwise.

    What if we replace it with, “I’m not happy with what happened, but I accept that it did, it’s done, and I trust myself enough to leave it in the past, where it is.”

    Re-framing the “I’m not okay…” phrase with a little self-acceptance has a very different sound and feel.

    Similarly, it’s tough to learn from our mistakes when we are busy beating ourselves up over them.

    Acceptance of whatever occurred (your own bad behavior or someone else’s) can ease the process.

    There is a huge difference between learning from one’s mistakes and constantly berating oneself about said mistakes in an effort not to repeat them.

    I think we all want to live in the now—enjoying, noticing, appreciating, learning, and embracing our lives without the miscellaneous paraphernalia of the past coloring our perspectives and creating expectations that don’t support us.

    Stepping fully into the present is a wonderful gift to give ourselves. What are some tools you’ve found helpful when letting go of the past?

    Photo by truds09

  • 28 Powerful Questions for a Happy Life

    28 Powerful Questions for a Happy Life

    “Keep your head clear. It doesn’t matter how bright the path is if your head is always cloudy.” ~Unknown

    Have you ever noticed that your biggest “aha” moment comes from someone asking a powerful question? Suddenly everything seems to make a little more sense, and you know what you need to do from that point forward, right?

    That’s exactly how it is for me. Someone will ask me a seemingly trivial question and bam! I’m suddenly overflowing with answers, emotions, solutions—I’m practically made of clarity!

    I remember a friend of mine asking me over coffee one rainy afternoon a few years ago, “What are you avoiding, Blake?”

    “What? Nothing. I mean, I guess I don’t want it to fail,” I eventually replied.

    “Yeah, and…” she quipped back. “What happens then?”

    I came to her because her willingness to face challenges head-on amazes me, and I needed her to face my challenge and give me that sage advice I knew she could. I wanted to leave corporate America and venture out on my own, and I wanted her to somehow make that sounds less crazy.

    I wanted to throw caution to the wind and follow what I most passionately believed in.

    I wanted to be my own success story.

    I also wanted someone else to tell me it was going to work.

    Calculating, weighing, analyzing—these things can only take you so far. I subconsciously needed something to get me out of my head and into some clarity. I needed that push.

    We bounced back and forth for what seemed like eternity. When most people have conversations like this, one party inevitably snaps out of the pattern and either says something oddly profound, or simply gets frustrated and tells the other to bugger off.

    I was lucky enough to receive the former rather than the latter.

    “When do you stop calculating risk and rewards and just do it?” she asked. “Because it feels like you’re building a magnificent ship you’re too much of a baby to ever sail. What are more committed to, dreaming it or doing it?”

    Holy cow, I was stunned. She was right. What was I more committed to? What a brilliant question. (more…)

  • Moving on from a Mistake: 5 Tips to Relieve Your Pain

    Moving on from a Mistake: 5 Tips to Relieve Your Pain

    “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    We all make mistakes, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that when we’re in the midst of them. We try to avoid them at all costs because the pain and price can be high.

    It can cost us our jobs, our reputations, or our driving records.

    In their election ads, political candidates often focus on their opponents’ negative aspects in order to make us vote for them instead. It’s almost as if we’re voting for the person least likely to mess up.

    My boyfriend and I used to make jokes about the negative ads because we know they’re ridiculous; we know that they are half-truths and lies.

    We’re always going to make mistakes, so I think the most important thing is to focus on our intentions and moral compasses. We can try to do our best, but we will never be perfect.

    Just think about watching a gymnast slip off the balance beam at the Olympics. It’s so painful to watch! We know that she’s trained her entire life, hours upon hours every day to get there—and now she’s messed up!

    We wonder to ourselves, how will she ever get over that mistake? Will it plague her thoughts for the rest of her life? It almost makes us glad we’re not in her shoes.

    No matter how hard we practice, we will occasionally trip up. And we have to accept that.

    We have to somehow pick up the pieces after that painful reminder of our humanity and fallibility. We have to piece together our egos and deal with a varying array of emotions.

    And the emotions can vary greatly when our egos have been bruised. We can be mad at ourselves for making the mistake. We can feel upset with others because they judge us.

    We all want to be accepted and loved, and mistakes can make us feel unlovable and flawed. We forget that everyone’s been there before and will be there again.

    I’ve made many mistakes in my life. One time, I got into a wreck because I turned at an intersection too soon. The sun blinded me at sunset and I wasn’t wearing heavy-duty sunglasses.

    As a result, another car sideswiped me. I sat there crying, upset at what had just happened. How was I going to tell my parents? What were they going to say to me?

    Although no one was physically hurt, the pain lingered in my heart. I blamed myself and carried around that weight for weeks. My car was totaled and I had to drive my parents’ car to and from work each day.

    I felt like a failure. My insurance rates went up. My driving record was tarnished.

    I was scared to drive. But then I reminded myself of a few things that helped me get some perspective. (more…)

  • Why We Need Mistakes and Failures

    Why We Need Mistakes and Failures

    “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard 

    A while back, I was invited to attend the Asian Chamber of Commerce’s 22nd Annual Awards Gala. Focused on “The Spirit of Entrepreneurship,” the Asian Chamber of Commerce celebrated individuals who exemplified great leadership skills in the Houston community.

    The keynote speaker, Dr. Lynda Chin, surprised me by talking about failure. A scientist, Dr. Chin is the first to admit medical mistakes. She talked about cancer-related pharmaceuticals having a 95% failure rate, because the medication needs to be tailor-made to the individual.

    I had never heard someone in a high-ranking position admit to failure so freely. But as she put it,  “There is no success without failure. There are no experiments that succeed before first failing.”

    So in essence, failure is the stepping-stone toward success.

    Another person who inspired me that night was Keiji Asakura, an urban design and landscape architect. A botanist, without the degree, he was a lover of plant life. Asakura was another model of someone who was able to take his mistakes and use them as the fundamental building blocks of his successes.

    One day nearly 10 years ago, his company filed for bankruptcy, and on the same day his wife asked him for a divorce. Life couldn’t have been any worse. In the depths of despair he asked himself, “Why do I do what I do?” The answer: because I love it.

    Because he loved it. Hearing those words from someone not in entertainment reminded me of why I do what I do. Because I love it. Without that love there would be no point in enduring this much anxiety in anticipation of something greater.

    People tell me all the time that they admire me for going after what I really want. But people only see what they want to; they forget that behind every truly large success, there are a million failures. For every good sentence that I write, there are thousands more that need to be rewritten.

    So far, in my adult career, where I’m at now is my lowest point. There is nothing on the horizon that promises that the work I’m doing now will pay off. My life is a gamble.

    My dad actually—I say “actually” because he only inadvertently supported my career choice—said, “In every business there is a risk, but without risk there is no potential to prosper. You simply have to take it.” (more…)

  • How to Stop Beating Yourself Up Over Poor Choices and Minor Mistakes

    How to Stop Beating Yourself Up Over Poor Choices and Minor Mistakes

    “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    I have just eaten enough pizza to satisfy three people and I’m feeling awful for having done it. Awful because my stomach can only hold so much, awful because I know I’m going to pay for eating it (dairy and I have a difficult relationship), and awful because I know I shouldn’t have done it.

    This is what my internal monologue looks like:

    Me: I feel so sick.
    Inner Me: You shouldn’t have eaten so much then!

    Me: I know but I really fancied it and I hate wasting food.
    Inner Me: You always do this, you know that?

    Me: I thought I could do it differently this time.
    Inner Me: What, you mean not gorge? We spoke about this, Sam. We spoke about how the last time really was the last time.

    Me: I know… I kind of caved though.
    Inner Me: You lack discipline; you need to be stricter with yourself.

    I could go on for ages, but you get the idea.

    Everyone has that voice inside of them that might berate them for less than wise choices: that unnecessary new sweater (to join all your others); the new phone (even though the one you have now works perfectly); staying up late to finish work (that could have been done earlier in the day if only you hadn’t spent the afternoon catching up with your favorite TV series).

    A lot of people let this voice get the better of them. They let it get out of control to the point where, instead of being a good moral compass, it becomes a guilt-tripper of tyrannical proportions. It harms instead of helps. But why do we let this happen? (more…)

  • How Mistakes Can Set You Free

    How Mistakes Can Set You Free

    “If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down but the staying down.” ~Mary Pickford

    Well, the little blue line was undeniable, and the circumstances unforgettable.

    It was Black Friday 2007, after a full day of work during which my nausea rendered me so useless that my coworkers insisted I buy a pregnancy test on my way home.

    And there was a line.

    But no spouse. No ring. No house. Just a freshly-issued Master’s Degree and the gamut of emotions that come with an unexpected pregnancy.

    Surprisingly, I felt excited to be a mother.

    But I feared what others would think. I was not convinced I could manage on my own. And I questioned how this choice would impact my child for the rest of his life.

    Two potential life paths loomed in my mind’s eye, possibilities for my future after this momentous event:

    Path A projected a life of pain and struggle, feeling ostracized from society and working tirelessly to make ends meet while my child fended for himself and fell in with the wrong crowd as a substitute for his overwhelmed and unavailable mother.

    Path B presented the option of a life where “mistakes” are blessings, and my son and I could grow close together with the support of a village of loving friends and family while I focused on our bond and our health, using all of the resources available to me and constantly bettering our lives.

    Clearly, “Path A” came from a place of fear and shame. Until this event, I didn’t make mistakes. I was always the one who was steadfast and predictable, cautious and planned.

    So this rocked my world.

    Thankfully.

    Because that vision of Path A had haunted me and inhibited me for my entire life, in different ways. Path A was always the worst-case scenario of what might happen if I veered off the beaten path, whether intentionally or by “mistake.” The possibility of Path A prevented me from actually living my life. (more…)

  • Be Good to Yourself: It’s Not You, It’s Your Brain

    Be Good to Yourself: It’s Not You, It’s Your Brain

    Update: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen! Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

    The winners:

    “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
    ~Buddha

    If you had met me at a party a decade or so ago, I’m sure you would have walked away with the impression I was a bit of a miserable and pessimistic person. I would have happily pointed out to you how much my well-paid job sucked, how stressed I was, and how unfair life was.

    And your impression of me would hardly have been elevated if you had been able to hear the conversations that were going on inside my head.

    I was giving myself a hard time most of the waking day. Every sale I closed meant I was lucky, and every sale I lost proved I was an idiot. And on the rare occasions I wasn’t blaming myself I was blaming everybody else for my inability to be content and happy with my life.

    Do you know there are over twice as many words in the English language for negative emotions and feelings than there are for positive ones? And that’s not exclusive to the English language either because it cuts across all languages and all cultures.

    You could hear that and be forgiven for thinking that human beings are a miserable, pessimistic lot at heart, but there’s actually an excellent reason for the imbalance.

    As a species we have been sharing this planet with all sorts of creatures that can eat, sting, bite, and even electrocute us for the best part of 200,000 years.

    That’s only really changed in the last few hundred years with the explosive growth of mankind. The accompanying deforestation and expanding urbanization wiped out or marginalized entire species that may have previously posed a danger to our existence.

    As well as having to be wary of nasty creatures with big pointy teeth we also had to ensure we did not bump into enemy tribes or annoy our tribal elders or peers and risk a lowering of our status.

    The brain thinks status is crucial to its survival because tens of thousands of years ago it was status that decided whether you got to stay in the tribe, who (or if) you could marry, and generally how secure and happy you were.

    These days somebody unfollowing you on Twitter can be seen by your brain as a decrease in status, as can be being turned down for a date or losing an online role playing game. As such your brain can create a dopamine crash, and that’s why those things tend not to feel good. (more…)

  • This Moment Does Not Define You

    This Moment Does Not Define You

    “Things and conditions can give you pleasure but they cannot give you joy—joy arises from within.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I struggled with anorexia for four years before I went to rehab. Rehab saved my life, and although I am not “completely recovered,” I am in recovery. I am coping. I am living again.

    One of the biggest sources of fuel for my eating disorder was my hyper-focus on the physical and transitory aspects of life.

    In my mind, I over-emphasized the importance of my body. I put the appearance of my body, and how I felt about my body, above my true, underlying nature.

    I would treat fleeting thoughts, feelings, and emotions as crucial, life-and-death matters.

    I did not realize or appreciate my crucial and enduring self, which (I now understand) transcends the fleeting states of the corporal realm.

    During this time, surface feelings took on a villainous and critical role. I know this sounds melodramatic and unrealistic (because it is), but “feeling bloated” literally felt like the death of me. I could not separate my true self from my passing thoughts and feelings.

    A huge part of my recovery and self-discovery has been my ability to separate my identity and the surface mental sewage that blocks my view of reality.

    I realized that I am not my body – kind of weird, but cool and life-changing. I am much more than just my physical form.

    I’m not saying that I’m really some waif-like spirit, floating on the whimsical current of an indefinable world (that would be cool though).

    What I’m saying is that my physical self—my body, my fleeting feelings and thoughts—do not define me.

    I am not just me sitting here typing this blog post. I am not me who ate apples with a whole lot of peanut butter for breakfast. I am not me who will take a sip of black iced coffee in about three seconds.

    I am a conglomeration, a whole melting pot of things and thoughts and feelings and actions and ideas and emotions. I am now and then and I am more to come. (more…)

  • We Are All Imperfect: How to Own it & Keep Growing

    We Are All Imperfect: How to Own it & Keep Growing

    Imperfection

    “Be what you are. This is the first step toward becoming better than you are.” ~Julius Charles Hare

    A few weeks ago, I made a mistake.

    I wrote a newsletter about my relationship with money, explaining that I used to get worried about money, but I feel differently now. I wrote that I’d realized that doing what I love is the most important thing.

    As long as I am doing what I loved, I don’t have to feel anxious. I trust that the money will appear, without me having to chase it.

    After I sent the newsletter out to the 500 people on my subscription list, I had a funny feeling in my stomach.

    The next day, I asked a friend what she’d thought about what I’d written.

    She said, “It sounds like you’re still worried about money.”

    She was right. That explained the funny feeling in my stomach.

    The things I said weren’t quite true. I wanted them to be true because I wanted to be the kind of person who doesn’t worry about material things.

    It was true that I’ve made some progress in my relationship with money. But I’m certainly not as serene and trusting as I portrayed myself in my newsletter. I still have mornings when I feel panicky about finances. (more…)