Tiny Buddha

Tag: meaning

  • Sometimes the Safe Path is Not the Right Path

    Sometimes the Safe Path is Not the Right Path

    “As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

    When I was a kid, I wanted to be an artist. I loved to draw, especially, and even took art classes on the weekends when I could. For fun.

    Obviously, being an artist isn’t a viable career (or so everyone in my life told me in subtle and not so subtle ways), so instead of going to college to delve deeper into drawing or painting or sculpture, I went the safe route: art teacher.

    Well, after a few semesters I decided I didn’t want to be an art teacher, so I went another safe route: graphic design. Unfortunately, I didn’t enjoy graphic design that much, most of the technical/pre-press stuff was way over my head (and interest level), and I turned down the one full-time job I was offered after college.

    Since I was only twenty-one, adventure seemed appropriate. I moved to Vermont to work at a ski lodge, I drove cross-country, I lived in a tiny apartment in Montana, and then I lived in a tent for a while. It was awesome.

    After that I went back to the safe stuff. I worked in an office here, I worked as an event coordinator there, then back to another office job.

    I don’t want to make it seem like I’ve always just automatically chosen the thing that felt the safest, the most conventional, since the travels of my early twenties, because I certainly haven’t.

    I quit a “good” job because it made me miserable and I wanted to get trained as a life coach.

    I quit another well-paying job (that made me absolutely batty and went against all of my core beliefs) in order to stay home with my daughter, even though it seemed like there was no way to afford to do so. (We made it work.)

    I started making art again, with real gusto and zeal, even though it doesn’t really make any sense beyond my own deep desire to do so.

    Recently, though, I faced what feels like my biggest What-My-Heart-Wants Vs. Take-the-Safe-Path challenge ever.

    After going in circles and wondering if I should bother trying to make art my main “thing,” I decided that I should apply to graduate school to become a school counselor. Because you can’t make a living as an artist, as you’ll remember.

    Counseling has always interested me, I like kids, and I would have the summers off to do the thing I really like, which is, well, you already know this: art.

    I spent a while researching the career and working on convincing myself I’d be able to find a job and that it would be the right fit for me. I applied about six months before applications were due and then pretty much forgot about it.

    That is, until the deadline rolled around. I knew I’d hear something shortly after February 1st, and then there it was, an email inviting me to a four-hour group interview.

    I can sum up the way I felt about going to this interview with one word: Ugh. I texted a friend and told her if someone else was in my position and felt the sucking feeling I was having, I’d tell them not to go.

    I kept thinking, though, that I should go, “just to keep my options open.” You know, to be safe.

    Before I went, I hooked up with a coach to talk me through some of what was going on in my head. What stands out to me the most about our sixty-minute conversation is that I said going to school felt like the safe option.

    When she asked me what really, truly felt safe to me, in my soul, I said I felt the safest when I was in my living room, art supplies set up, light flowing through the windows, creating something.

    Still, though, I went to the group interview. I was surprised by it; I enjoyed meeting the current students, the professors seemed lovely, and I was impressed with the program.

    I also learned how competitive the program was—of the eighty something people there, only about thirty would get in. I didn’t think I had a chance.

    I was wrong about that. In fact, I was included in the first round of applicants; a top pick. That made me, or at least my ego, feel really good.

    My husband was out of town for work at the time, and we agreed to discuss it when he got back. After a lot of back and forth, I decided to accept.

    I mean, I’d be taking on probably $18,000 in debt, but I’d have an almost guaranteed job when I finished! And I’d have a state pension! And I’d have summers off!

    The other thing? Multiple people who have known me for a very long time told me what a great fit school counseling was for me. I used other people’s excitement about it to continue to believe that this was the right thing to do.

    But then some weird stuff started happening. Conversations with my husband would often end with him saying, completely unprompted, “I wish you didn’t have to go to school.” Spiritual teachers who mean a lot to me started popping up on my Facebook or Podcast feed telling me things that I needed to know, like how to really follow my soul’s calling.

    I felt like the Universe was trying to tell me that going to school was not right for me, despite seeming like the safe option. I understood that if I went, I’d be giving up what I had dreamed for myself and even my family, and that I’d be one step farther away from listening to my true self.

    So I decided to withdraw.

    I knew I wanted out, but every time I went to send that official email, I got scared. I kept thinking about what I’d be giving up (Stability! A pension! A “real” job!).

    Finally, after a month, I did it. I sent the email from my phone while I was sitting on the floor in the living room, light pouring in the windows, a painting I was working on in front of me. I did it before I could think too hard about it.

    Since then I’ve felt a variety of things. Sometimes fear, sometimes joy, sometimes worry, sometimes nothing much.

    I wish I could tell you that in the month since I withdrew I’ve become a beloved artist who makes money constantly. I wish I could tell you that everything is working out perfectly. So far, though, I’m just practicing going toward what feels good and away from what feels bad.

    I have faith now, faith that I’m following the right path for me. That picking something because it looks good on paper is absolutely not a reason to do something, even if other people tell you it is.

    When I look back on this journey, what I see is a woman who wants what’s best for herself and her family, so is following the steps that she thinks will bring her what everyone else will see as success, and I can’t say I blame her. I’m just glad she changed her mind.

    I want everyone to know that the safe path isn’t always safe, and it isn’t always right, and that only you know what’s the next step, but only if you listen closely. Here are some ideas for tuning in.

    1. Listen to your body.

    I just can’t understate the importance of this one. I’ve known for a long time that bodies are way better guides than minds, but sometimes I lose track of it.

    I knew, for sure, that school was wrong for me because every single time I thought about starting in the fall my body, especially my chest, clenched into a tight ball. A message like that is the body saying loud and clear “wrong direction.”

    2. Stop listening to your thoughts.

    Just as you want to start listening to your body, you want to stop listening to your mind and your thoughts.

    I know, it seems weird, because our brains are supposed to be all rational and smart and stuff, but so much of what goes on up there is completely based on fear. We worry about money, we worry what our family will think, we worry about dying alone. Those fears are just words, and if you let them lead you away from what you truly want, you’re going to be in trouble.

    3. Do it a little at a time.

    If you’re enmeshed in a career or relationship or financial situation that’s been going on for years and years and you have tons of people relying on you, it probably doesn’t feel so easy to just say, “Eh, I don’t want to do this anymore.”

    That’s why you do one small thing at a time. If your body is giving you ulcers because you hate your job so much, but it feels like a fluttering butterfly when you think of taking a photography class, take the photography class. Try one small thing at a time, building toward the life that you really want.

    4. Never buy into the idea that the safe way is the right way.

    If you find yourself thinking anything along the lines of, “Well, that’s boring, but it’s a smart career to get into” or “He’s from a prominent family and would be a smart choice,” run! Or at the very least, slow down and check to see what your body and heart are telling you.

    I’ve said it before and I’m sure I’ll say it again: This whole being human thing is hard. I believe that it can be delightful and joyful and wonderful, but it takes work.

    We have to push against societal norms that tell us we should do things a certain way. We have to get clear on what we want and be willing to pivot when that changes. We have to be flexible; we have to be aware.

    My goal is to choose what feels good for me. I hope that you’ll do your best to choose what feels right for you, too, even if it’s not what other people think is safe.

  • 10 Things I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me When I Was 18

    10 Things I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me When I Was 18

    “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” ~Maya Angelou

    Can you remember what it was like?

    Becoming an adult. Having to take responsibility for your life. Having the world opening up to you. Having to suddenly start making decisions and setting a clear direction for your life.

    Exciting, yet terrifying and confusing all at the same time.

    Looking back, there are things you wish you’d known, right? Here are some things I’ve learned that I wish someone would have told me when I was eighteen.

    1. You don’t find meaning; you create meaning.

    For a long time, I was constantly looking for what I was “meant to do” in life. Doing so can feel overwhelming, confusing, and shame-indulging. But here’s what I discovered: Finding is passive; it means that something or someone has to show up in order to get what we want. It’s outside our control.

    So, instead of finding meaning, it’s better to create meaning. To indulge ourselves in projects and activities that feel meaningful to us. When we do this, we go from passive to active. From lacking control to gaining control.

    2. You’re not fixed; you’re always growing.

    I used to think that I was given a set of talents, skills, and behaviors. That was until I realized that I wasn’t wired fixed, but changeable.

    If I want to be happier, I just have to shift my focus. Maybe that means writing a gratitude journal, expressing my appreciation toward others, and practicing seeing things from a positive perspective.

    Since you’re always in growth, you don’t need to be scared of failing, as everything is a stepping stone to a new talent, skill, or behavior.

    The same applies for what we’re good at. If you want to be a writer, then start writing. If you want to be a successful entrepreneur, then start reading, acting, and thinking like one. That’s the beauty of it all—you’re the creator of you.

    3. Carefully choose who you take advice from.

    People love giving advice. But here’s the thing: People don’t give advice based on who you are, but on who they are. If someone had a great experience starting a business, they’re likely to encourage you to do the same. However, if someone had a horrible experience with the same thing, they’re likely to, perhaps not discourage you, but at least point out things that can go wrong.

    Here’s what I’ve found to be useful: Take advice only from those who have made the same journey (or a similar one) that you want to undertake.

    4. You don’t need to know your passion.

    “Follow your passion.” How many times have you heard this message and thought to yourself, “Argh, but I don’t know what my passion is!” Or, “I have too many passions and I don’t know which one to choose.” In general, I think this is rather crappy advice. For me, it caused more harm than good, because frankly, it stressed me out.

    If you know your passion, that’s great. If not, don’t worry. Instead of focusing your attention on finding your passion, start following your curiosity. Just like a scavenger hunt, what pokes your curiosity is the next clue. And like Elizabeth Gilbert perfectly laid it out: “If you can let go of ‘passion’ and follow your curiosity, your curiosity just might lead you to your passion.”

    5. Buy experiences, not things.

    I used to spend a lot of time thinking about what type of designer bag I’d purchase. Don’t get me wrong, I love beautiful things and have no problem buying them. But I’ve learned not to put my happiness in them.

    When I think back on my life, what I remember are the beach parties in the Dominican Republic, the soirées I spent with friends in Paris, and the walks with my sister in Central Park.

    Experiences are what change us. They help us open up doors to new people, cultures, perspectives, and potentially a whole new world. So, invest your money well.

    6. Life is always now, not tomorrow or next week.

    Oh gosh, if I had a nickel for every minute I’ve spent either worrying about the future or contemplating my past. It would probably make up more time than what I’ve spent in the present. Pretty bizarre, no? And I know I’m not alone when I say that.

    Our mind loves pulling our attention from the present moment. But this is where life is taking place.

    We can’t have a full experience when our body is in one place and our mind is somewhere else (like sitting in a meeting thinking about what to eat for dinner). And that’s why we’re here, right? To experience life fully. So be present, allow those thoughts about the past and future pass by, just like clouds in the sky.

    7. Don’t confuse means goals with end goals.

    Vishen Lakhiani did an amazing video where he explained what I didn’t get for so long: end goals and means goals.

    End goals define an outcome that describes exactly what you want. This can be seeing your children grow up, being truly happy, and traveling around the world. Means goals can be about getting into a specific university or company or making a certain amount of money. They are there simply to support your end goals.

    When I became uncomfortable in my “dream job” in Paris I couldn’t understand why. It included everything I’d ever dreamed of: a good paycheck, travel, and fun colleagues. But I had confused a means goal with an end goal. What I truly wanted was to start a business where I could create, contribute, and connect with other people.

    8. Connections, not grades, are the key to success.

    Growing up, I was really focused on getting good grades. I thought that good grades would be the key to a successful life. They’ve helped me to open up doors, but the game-changer hasn’t been my grades, it’s been my connections.

    Knowing the right people and connecting on a deeper lever is much more powerful than anything written on a piece of paper. Mind you, this, of course, depends on what kind of opportunity you’re after. But, for me, looking back, what served me during my years at university wasn’t the grades I got; it was the connections I made.

    That’s how I’ve landed jobs, speaking opportunities, and have been featured on podcasts–things I otherwise never would have heard of or been considered for.

    9. Everyone is doing the best they can.

    I truly believe this. Everyone, no matter how annoying, self-destructive, or provoking they might seem, is always doing the best they can based on their mood, experience, and level of consciousness.

    I used to get angry or upset if someone was rude, pessimistic, or didn’t deliver projects on time. Today, I know that I’m not in the position to judge. I don’t know what they battle. I don’t know what’s really going on in their life. All I can trust is that if I was in their shoes, I might do the same thing. This perspective has saved me a lot of energy that I previously used to waste.

    10. Know your “why.”

    Often, we place a lot of focus on what we do or how we do it. Seldom we ask why we do it. If I would have dug deeper in my “why’s” when I was eighteen, I would have connected more to my desires. Like this:

    Question: Why do I want to get this education?
    Reply: Because I want to get a good job.

    Question: Why do I want to get a good job?
    Reply: So that I can earn good money, work on something I enjoy, and get a nice title.

    Question: Why do I want that?
    Reply: Because I want to feel secure and free, to explore the world, to create things, to feel respected, and to connect with myself and others.”

    When I got clear about my “why” it became obvious to me that I wanted to work with people, have my own business, and to be able to work from anywhere in the world.

    Digging into the “why” really narrows down what’s important. Not having a clear “why” proves that what we’re aiming at isn’t worth pursuing.

    Eventually, Everything Will Make Sense

    Sometimes we stumble and fall. Sometimes the road is rocky. Sometimes we question if everything will make sense in the end.

    Looking back at your eighteen-year-old self, what would you tell them?

    To be easier on yourself?

    To stop worrying and have more fun?

    To trust that everything happens for a reason and that things will work out?

    From this perspective, what do you think an older version of yourself would have told you today?

    To be easier on yourself?

    To stop worrying and have more fun?

    To trust that everything happens for a reason and that things will work out?

    You get the point.

    As Steve Jobs said, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

  • A Small Good Thing: A Documentary on Simple Sources of Happiness

    A Small Good Thing: A Documentary on Simple Sources of Happiness

    A small good thing

    We live in a world that encourages the pursuit of happiness, which it seems we’ve collectively defined as “more.” We chase more money, more recognition, more stuff, more connections (and often, more followers and “likes”). If it’s quantifiable, and sometimes even when it isn’t, there’s no such thing as enough.

    Given that you’re here, visiting a website that promotes simplicity and appreciation for the little things, it’s possible you haven’t fallen into this trap. Or perhaps, like me, you have, and that’s why you now recognize that less is often more.

    Given my own experience chasing things that inevitably led to emptiness and disappointment, I was intrigued to learn about Pamela Tanner Boll’s new documentary A Small Good Thing.

    A Small Good Thing follows six people who’ve “recast their lives so they can find a sense of meaning.” If you’re disillusioned by the American Dream and fascinated by people who’ve found their own unique path to happiness, I highly recommend you check it out.

    I’ve never shared a documentary here before, but as you may remember, I’ve spent the better part of this year working on my first short film (which I’m excited to share here soon!) And I’m also planning to work on my first documentary, on a similar topic, next year.

    Given the synchronicity, I was thrilled to speak to Pamela about the motivation behind A Small Good Thing and what she learned in the process of making it.

    The Interview

    How did you choose the cast for A Small Good Thing? What’s the common thread?

    We were looking for individuals who were living in this new century in a better way. We wanted to find people who had made positive changes in their lives through mindful practices, through a closer connection to the natural world, and through a stronger connection to the greater good.

    Stephen Cope from Kripalu’s Institute for Extraordinary Living in Lenox, Massachusetts introduced us to Tim Durrin, who was working at Kripalu at the time, and through mindful practices (yoga, meditation, cycling) had been able to deal with his struggles with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and addiction.

    I met Yoga and Breathing Instructor Mark Gerow at Canyon Ranch in Lenox and was very impressed with his story of how he used his yoga practice to overcome the personal struggles in his life and to learn how to share his story with others.

    We were introduced to Jen and Pete Salinetti from Woven Roots Farm and were fascinated with the fact that they were able to harvest twelve months out of the year in Western Massachusetts, as well as with the amount of food they were producing on a one and a half acre farm.

    Also, we learned about Sean Stanton who worked on both his family farm, North Plain Farm, as well as managed Blue Hill Farm for the Barber family. He was also giving back to his community as the Chair of the Selectman Board for the Town of Great Barrington.

    Finally, I heard about a woman in Pittsfield MA who was doing amazing community work with young adults who performed all over the state with the Youth Alive Step Team. I met Shirley Edgerton for coffee and found out that she was really guiding young people to a life of purpose.

    Why did you choose the Berkshires for the location of this film?

    The Berkshires has long been a place that attracted artists, visionaries, and change-seekers who value their creative expression and want to live closer to nature. It’s also one of those communities in the world that supports and encourages people who want to live in a different way. There seems to be less importance put on “keeping up with the Joneses” and more importance on “checking in with the Joneses.”

    While we focus on the Berkshires in the film, people who are practicing mindfulness, connecting to the natural world, and engaging in their communities can be found all around the world. Yoga studios, farmers markets, and community gardens and centers can be found all over New York and other urban settings.

    We also filmed in the Berkshires because it was closer to home for us. Our production company is located in Winchester, Massachusetts, right outside of Boston.

    How long did it take to make this film? And how did making this film influence the happiness in your life?

    We begin in 2011 researching the film for over a year focusing on the recent happiness studies and the science behind yoga and meditation. We also did a lot of research on how living in closer connection to the natural world also positively impacted our well-being.

    We began shooting in the Berkshires in 2012, and continued for over a year. The first edit, which took another year, was flat and disjointed. In December 2013, I made a decision to close down the production. I did not feel that the edit expressed my original vision.

    After four months, I found a new energy to complete the film in a new location with a new editor, T.C. Johnstone.

    In the making of this film, we all learned that living an authentic life is not easy. It’s hard to be vulnerable and to make mistakes. But this is the path to living a life that is meaningful and full of purpose. Like Shirley says in the film, “…the true success in life is you finding your purpose and your passion and you living it out.”

    How does watching these small stories about individuals transforming their lives help us to transform the world?

    Our culture is more invested in comfort than in truth. Our planet is suffering from our consumer-driven way of life. Although we have more connections through the Internet and social networking, we as a society have become more isolated and lonely. We have more material wealth, but we are not happy.

    These stories show individuals who are making small changes in their lives that have a big impact in the world. Jen and Pete Salinetti use only environmentally sustainable practices at Woven Roots Farm. Also, Sean Stanton feeds his livestock a natural diet; his cows are grass fed and his pigs and chickens are raised on pasture and eat all certified organic grain.

    Farms that use these types of regenerative agricultural practices can turn back the carbon clock, reducing atmospheric CO2 while also boosting soil productivity and increasing resilience to floods and drought. Also, the agronomists tell us now that you can produce more calories per acre on a small farm than a big one.

    Studies show that mindful practices such as yoga and meditation relieve our stress: blood pressure goes down, heart rates drop, negative emotions decrease, and positive ones increase. Tim Durrin and Mark Gerow have overcome the struggles in their lives by applying these mindful practices every day. And in doing so, have learned that by exposing their struggles to their community, they feel less isolated and more blessed.

    And finally, Shirley Edgerton is guiding her young adults to live a life of purpose. She is teaching them at a young age, “that if you leave yourself open that you move with the universe [and] that’s where you blessings coming in.” This is how we can live in a more engaged way, a way that helps us to develop empathy and compassion.

    Why did you make this film? What resources influenced your research?

    A few years back, everyone I talked to had the same complaints: People were running so hard to keep up with the pressures of life that they felt overwhelmed, isolated, exhausted, and unhappy. Even though our country had more material wealth, people were depressed.

    Given the additional worries about the growing income disparities, climate change, and the vanishing natural world, the question of what makes a good life became important to me. So, I did what I usually do—I read lots of books. These are just some of the books that informed the film:

    Earth and Deep Economy by Bill McKibben

    Born to Be Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life by Dacher Keltner

    The Empathic Civilization and The Third Industrial Revolution by Jeremy Rifkin

    The Wisdom of Yoga and Yoga and the Quest for the True Self by Stephen Cope

    Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

    The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky

    Being Happy by Tal Ben-Shahar

    Loving Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzburg

    Flow and Finding Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

    The Art of Happiness by His Holiness the Dalai Lama

    The Wisdom of Tuscany by Ferenc Mate

    You can learn more about A Small Good Thing here.

  • The One Purpose We All Share in Life

    The One Purpose We All Share in Life

    Purpose

    “We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.” ~ Mary Dunbar

    I sat staring at myself in the mirror.

    All I saw was failure.

    And for the first time in a long while, I cried.

    All I could think about was having to get up the next morning and force myself through another day. Force myself to put on a smile and pretend to be happy. Force myself to act like everything was moving in the right direction.

    I’d been putting on this façade for months by this point.

    My fitness business was finally growing at a good rate after years of struggle, finances were the best they’d been in a while, and I felt like I was helping a lot of people.

    Yet I felt stuck, broken on the inside, and like I was massively holding something back in terms of what I had to offer the world.

    And in that tear-filled moment with the mirror, I knew I had to let go of the business and life I had worked so hard to gain momentum with.

    I spent the next year trying to work out what the hell was going on. I suppose you could say I was trying to find myself, but the cliché-ridden nature of those words makes me cringe even now. So I prefer to say “working s**t out.”

    I stepped back, traveled, sought connection, read, listened to podcasts, and dug deep into my soul for answers to questions I had previously written off as too time wasting for a busy business owner to deal with.

    But a key question that kept coming up for me was “what is my purpose?”

    I would muse on this for days, weeks, and months at a time, desperately trying to figure out the answer and looking for some Eureka moment.

    Almost every book I read, every podcast that I listened to, and every video I watched all seemed to keep coming back to this question in some roundabout way. Each moment of consumption giving me more information on systems, steps, and questions to find out what my purpose is on this earth and what I am “here to do.”

    I became obsessed.

    And in that obsession I created confusion.

    Who was I? What did I want to start? What did I want to talk about? How could I help and serve others without draining my own life force?

    After traveling to various parts of Europe and South East Asia, connecting with others and trying to figure my own stuff out, I still felt completely lost. Like I was just wandering the globe, going from place to place without any reason, and simply shuffling through life with a black hole continually expanding inside of me.

    I would dive into things headfirst and keep them going for a few weeks before deciding I was on the wrong path. Some idea would catch my eye and I’d take steps forward before getting bored and slacking off.

    Until one day I had what I lovingly like to call a “f**k it” moment.

    I just couldn’t take any more listening to other people tell me how to find this purpose thing that was supposed to be so great.

    I’d gone from never thinking about my purpose, to being obsessed with finding it, to just getting fed up with it all. In fact, I was pissed off that all these other people seemed to be living “in line with their purpose” while I was left stuck and still asking questions.

    It was like when you’re a kid and your weird uncle does that crappy magic trick, and you just want him to tell you how he did it so you can stop trying to figure it out and get on with your life.

    Then almost as soon as I gave up trying so hard, things became a lot clearer.

    And I started to realize what a poor, vague, nothing kind of question it is to ask “what is your purpose?”

    Because, when it really comes down to it, we as human beings all have just one, universal purpose.

    To create.

    Think about it. We create thoughts and knowledge and content and books and podcasts and TV programs and websites and furniture and iPhones and apps to go on those iPhones and other phones to rival those iPhones and slightly bigger iPhones we call iPads and all sorts of other inventions and relationships and businesses and lives for ourselves….

    We even create other human beings!

    But we also create fear and negativity and judgment and perfectionism and evil and other bad stuff.

    So “What is my purpose?” is actually a pretty poor question when it comes to the kind of answer most of us are really looking for. The answer to that is simply to create.

    This brought a huge perspective shift for me. All of a sudden, I stopped asking myself the same question over and over again and expecting a different answer every time.

    Now I had a new question: What did I want to create?

    Screw purpose! Screw this elusive, intangible, nothing of a question. What did I want to create? And I mean really want to create?

    No longer did I feel like I had to find this one thing that I was put on this earth to do. No longer was I searching for this magic moment that would give me a sign that I should definitively label myself as this or that.

    All I had to start doing was creating something, anything, several things that would make me feel purposeful.

    But this then posed another problem.

    What did I want to create?

    It’s all well and good saying to go create something, but if you don’t know what or how then it’s still meaningless. Surely, if we truly want to feel purposeful, we must know ourselves first.

    So I took a deep internal dive again. Only this time, with this new angle to my questioning at the helm.

    I wanted to look deep into the depths of my heart and soul in order to find out what was really in there. To peel back all the pretending, all the bravado, and all the BS so I could just know what was really going on in there.

    I asked myself about my beliefs, my fears, what I love, what makes me feel passionate, what doesn’t, my strengths, my weaknesses, and what I would say to the world if I had everyone’s attention for just fifteen minutes.

    I wrote everything down, even if it was uncomfortable. And I didn’t settle for superficial, meaningless answers.

    But the biggest thing of all, the thing that opened my eyes the most, was getting clear on my values.

    Our values are the very essence of who we are as individuals. They are what guide us when it comes to making decisions so that we don’t end up feeling like a tangled mess inside. And they act as our inner compass when it comes to what we should create and put into this world.

    So the act of creating something that made me feel purposeful became rather straightforward.

    What knowledge or skills or expertise do I have in my head and heart? What do I love? And how can I bring all this together to create something that helps and serves others?

    Suddenly, discovering “my purpose” became inconsequential.

    Why do we need this one, single purpose? The real answer we want to that question, the feeling we want to garner, comes from creating purposeful and meaningful things. Things that make us feel like we are adding to the world and like we are helping in some way.

    But we can only know what we class as “meaningful” and “purposeful” if we take the time to discover ourselves and know who we are.

    So, if you’re like me and have struggled, or are struggling, with this whole purpose thing, I invite you to just give up looking. Instead, try going deep with yourself on two questions:

    1. Who am I?

    2. What do I want to create?

    Maybe shifting your perspective like this can help get you unstuck, as it did with me.

    And it may enable you to go and create something truly meaningful, whichever way you define that yourself.

    Now, I know there may be some people out there to whom this all seems a bit over the top, or maybe even irrelevant.

    We all have jobs or businesses to focus on, bills to pay, families to feed, and general life stuff going on. Thinking about all the bother of creating this big, elaborate, purposeful thing may be pretty close to bottom of the to-do list for a lot of people.

    But that’s the thing—it doesn’t need to be a big, elaborate thing. You could choose to create happiness, or connection, or laughter, for example.

    Sure, you could create a billion-dollar company, an international movement, or a charity helping millions of people. Or you could create joy by volunteering at a children’s hospital, or by making it your personal mission to lift other people’s spirits when they’re feeling down.

    We don’t need to go into this with an attitude of having to create something huge and entrepreneurial if we don’t want to.

    We can garner that feeling in smaller, yet equally as significant, ways.

    Simply bringing ourselves to the present moment and asking “What can I create right now that would make me feel purposeful and meaningful?” can be pretty powerful.

    Start small. And maybe you’ll get hooked from there.

    Because, after all, we are all worthy of feeling purposeful. We just need to decide what this looks like to us.

  • You Don’t Need to Do Big Things to Change the World

    You Don’t Need to Do Big Things to Change the World

    Holding the earth

    “Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person.” ~Mother Teresa

    Life is complicated. The world’s problems are extremely complex. But what if you could help solve the world’s problems? What if you were a world changer?

    Seems rather daunting, doesn’t it? Me? Change the world?! I used to feel like an ostrich, burying my head in the sand and trying to ignore all the hurt and evil in the world, because I felt helpless, like there wasn’t anything I could do.

    I didn’t always feel that way though. There was a time when I felt I could make a difference…

    Four months before my grandmother died, I sat by her bedside, holding her hand, and we had what turned out to be the last real conversation we had together on this earth. She looked at me and said, “I always wished I had done something great in this world.”

    I told her that she had done something great! She had raised five wonderful children. She had helped and influenced so many for good during her life.

    As I said those words to her, I truly believed them. I knew that by simply living a good, honest life and being kind to those around her, she had had a huge impact on the world. She had had a huge impact on me.

    Yet somehow, fourteen years later, I realized I had fallen into that same trap.

    I found myself thinking I wasn’t doing anything significant or worthwhile in this world because I wasn’t working in refugee camps or stopping genocides. I felt that I wasn’t “changing the world” because I hadn’t done something “major” to help the world.

    Do you feel the same way? Are you discounting the work you are doing within your home and family, within your community of friends, within your neighborhood? Are you forgetting the impact that your everyday acts of service and love can make?

    I used to think “changing the world” consisted only of really big sweeping movements that made lasting change the world over.

    I would think of actions worthy of being written in the history books. I would think of Mother Teresa creating the Missionaries of Charity and caring for thousands upon thousands of the destitute in Calcutta. I would think of rebuilding a city after a natural disaster.

    Although these examples do indeed change the world, when you really get down to it, to “change the world” means to make a change to better one person’s world. By helping one person feel special, loved, and important, you are changing the world for one individual at a time.

    It reminds me of a time, years ago, that I was sitting in my car at a gas station. I cannot tell you what my day was like before this moment or after, but as I sat there, a man walked by with a big smile on his face. He didn’t look at me or even see me, but he changed my life.

    A true, genuine smile is contagious, it spreads to all who observe it, and that’s what happened that day. His smile spread to me and I was uplifted. Over a decade later, I still think about that incident and try to intentionally smile as I go about my day.

    Mother Teresa cared for thousands over the years, but she cared for and loved one individual at a time. She said, “There are no great deeds. Only small deeds done with great love.”

    We may not stop genocides or serve those in the refugee camps today, but we can do something for someone today. Not only does that mean you are not insignificant, but it means that you can, in fact, change someone’s world every single day.

    We just need to change our mind about what it means to change the world!

    I have started calling myself a “world changer.” It felt awkward at first, but slowly, I have started to believe it again and you can too.

    Before this powerful realization, I had started to take the Ostrich Strategy. No, I didn’t stick my head in the sand. (Ostriches don’t really stick their head in the sand; they’d suffocate just like you and I would if we tried that!)

    When an ostrich is frightened, it will either run away or it will lie down low and stretch their necks out along the ground in front of them, as flat as they can, in the hopes that they will blend in.

    Running away or lying low in an attempt to go unnoticed and then hoping the world gets better is not an effective strategy for change. Actively changing your own world in order to change the rest of the world is.

    Changing your world will change the world.

    As I told my grandmother that day, so I tell myself and you, you are doing great things each day. You make the world a better place each time you serve or love someone else. Then those people you serve will share that love with others, starting a ripple of love.

    As more and more ripples form, aided by the winds of time, they will create a virtual storm of love that will crash along the shores of humanity, washing away the evil and the rough edges, leaving a new shoreline, a new world.

    Changing the world starts at home within ourselves and our families, expanding out with the ripple effect, creating a storm and changing the world for one person at a time with each kind word and act of love given to a stranger or friend.

    One act or grand gesture alone won’t change the whole world, but it can change the world for someone, who will change it for someone else, who will change is for someone else, and on and on.

    Just like that man walking through the gas station started a ripple by changing my day over a decade ago, changing the world will involve many people doing many small acts of love to accomplish great things and lasting change. Changing the world starts at home. It starts with you.

    If you believe you are insignificant and that your efforts are not enough, you will be unhappy and the world will suffer by missing out on all the good that you have to offer. But, if you realize you have great power and a responsibility to touch another person’s life each day, resulting in world-changing ripples of love, you will be starting a storm that changes the world.

    So stop being an ostrich. Choose to act. Take the world by storm instead!

    Holding earth image via Shutterstock

  • When Dreams Change: It’s Okay to Let Go and Move On

    When Dreams Change: It’s Okay to Let Go and Move On

    “Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.” ~Daphne Rose Kingma

    Growing up, we’re told to follow our heart and make our dreams come true. Granted, there are some naysayers who tell us we won’t ever be able to make it happen and maybe it would be better to think of an alternative. But the people who love us and want us to find happiness, they believe in us and encourage us to follow our dreams.

    I have amazing parents, friends, and family who always believed in me, who always said anything is possible—and I believe them.

    When I decided, in my late teens, that I wanted to be an actor, my parents were behind me 100%. They were a little startled at my choice since I had always been so shy, but they supported me all the way.

    All the way to drama school, all the way to moving to London to be in the thick of it, all the way through my twenties while I followed my heart and did bits and pieces of acting here and there.

    All the way to New York to train further, all the way through profit-share productions, short movies, touring open air Shakespeare, local repertory theatre, and all the way to the television roles I started booking.

    It was a tough journey, but finally I started getting traction.

    However, it was during this last year of acting that something just didn’t quite feel right. I was going in the right direction to achieve my dreams but there was a dis-ease in my heart. This dream wasn’t quite what I thought it was going to be.

    I didn’t feel the joy I thought I would when I was on set, doing take after take of a scene where I had to muster the emotions of a dying woman, again and again. The lighting wasn’t quite right, the extras passed the camera at the wrong time, or I didn’t breathe into the inhaler at the right moment.

    That moment would become a pivotal moment for me in my life and career, and yet I continued on working in an industry I was starting to despise.

    It was another six months later, when I was waiting in the wings before going on stage for my monologue scene, that I realized the feeling in my stomach was dread and not the nervous excitement I used to have in the early days.

    I dreaded the idea of facing the audience, of losing myself in the truth of the moment, of putting my all in and not being lit up by the response.

    Don’t get me wrong, the response was amazing—even my dad, who always believed in me yet refrained from praise, commented on how well I played the role. He said he was proud of me, but I didn’t feel pride. It was then that I knew something had to change.

    And yet still I was scared to do it—to let go of the dream. Everyone believed in me so fiercely that I felt obliged to keep going.

    I had put so much time, energy, and money into the career I had chosen and I felt that if I walked away, I was a failure—that I was letting people down.

    Slowly, however, as I segued from the life I once knew, it dawned on me that those who loved me and believed in me would love me and believe in me no matter which way I turned.

    I had bought into the idea of the dream for so long that it was agony tearing myself away from it. It took courage and a good three years to properly let go—to finally say that I was no longer an actor.

    On reflection I see that my time in the profession had so many ups and downs, but the biggest revelation was that I wasn’t truly experiencing life.

    I never took a vacation for fear of missing an audition, I never allowed myself to be in a relationship longer than a few months in case I had to decide between being with a partner or taking the next touring gig, and I never thought I would have children because that would mean I would have to put someone else’s needs first.

    Since making that decision to let go, I have identified my strengths, abilities, and the true desires that were always present as an actor. I have allowed all these elements to now shape my new career.

    I have allowed myself to fall in love, get married, and have the children I never thought would be part of my reality.

    Everything I have experienced, not only the acting but the journey I have taken over the last twenty years, has made me who I am today and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

    The only thing I regret is the struggle I put upon myself as I resisted the change in direction and ignored, for so long, the calling in my heart to let go of a dream that no longer served me.

    If you too wonder if you need to let go of a long held dream, here are a few things you might be experiencing that could be signs that it’s time to make that decision.

    • Loss of excitement or joy for the dream that once lit you up
    • A sense of dread creeping in when you are engaged or immersed in the ‘dream’ life/relationship/business/career
    • Fear at the thought of what people might think if you quit
    • Repetitive negative thoughts around what you have already invested and that it is too costly to walk away

    If any of these signs are present in your life, it can be hard to take the next step. Here a few questions to ask yourself to help you find the courage to walk away and choose a new path if that is what you want.

    1. What would your life look like this time next year, or five or ten years’ time, if you don’t make a change?

    2. What possibilities can you imagine for yourself if you could experience the type of joy you had for the original dream?

    3. Are the people you fear disappointing with your choices the people who love you unconditionally? If so, how would they feel knowing you were living life to please them rather than following your heart?

    Letting go of something you have wanted for so long can be scary, but don’t let the fear of letting go stop you from becoming the person you need to be. You may know deep down your true calling, but sometimes it takes a little while to realize the new trajectory your life could take.

    Have courage and trust that there are infinite possibilities ahead of you, and the people who truly matter will be there for you through the next chapter of your life.

  • You Can Make a Difference: 7 Ways to Create a Powerful Legacy

    You Can Make a Difference: 7 Ways to Create a Powerful Legacy

    Man Silhouette

    “Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever; you just have to live.” ~Natalie Babbitt

    Recently I was searching for information online about a friend of mine who I lost touch with about a decade ago.

    Pam and I went to psychology graduate school together in the early nineties and stayed in touch for a few years after that. But in those pre-Facebook days it was easy to lose touch with people, and Pam and I eventually drifted apart.

    Curious about what my friend was up to, I typed her name into Google. Imagine my shock when I found her obituary. It turns out that she had died three years ago from colon cancer at the still young age of forty-four.

    Even though Pam and I lost touch a long time ago, learning about her death hit me hard. Months later, I’m still shocked that she’s no longer with us.

    Pam’s death was also a wake-up call for me. As a gift to future generations, I want to use my life to create a powerful legacy and to make a positive contribution to the world. Yet, up to this point in my life, I haven’t taken intentional actions that will create the type of legacy that I want.

    And while I hope to live for at least another forty years, the date of my death is outside of my control. Like my friend, I could die at any time.

    But no matter how many or how few years I have left, I absolutely have the ability to positively impact the world and touch lives far into the future. And so do you!

    The truth is that we create legacies with every single action that we take. The question we need to ask is whether or not were taking intentional actions to create the type of legacy that we want to create.

    After much reflection, I came up with the following seven ideas for how I plan on building a powerful legacy with my life. I hope that they inspire you to do the same and without needing the wake-up call that I received.

    1. Decide what legacy you want to create.

    In order to create a powerful legacy with your life, you need to decide what contribution you want to make to the world. I suggest spending some time journaling and reflecting on the following questions:

    • If you knew with certainty that you only had five more years to live, how would you spend those years, and why?
    • What message do you want to send with your life to the world and to those who matter most to you?
    • Imagine that you are attending your own funeral. What would you want your family and friends to say about you and how you lived your life?

    2. Start creating your legacy today.

    We all have a limited time on this planet. And yet, we often live our lives as if our time was unlimited, putting things off, thinking that we’ll always have more time. I’m sure my friend Pam was expecting to live a lot more than forty-four years.

    Yet the truth is that none of us knows how long we’ll live. If you want to create a powerful legacy with your life, then you need to stop wasting time and start creating it today.

    Look over your answers to the questions from Point 1. Based on your answers to those questions, identify three to five specific goals you can set for creating the legacy that you want. Then, for each goal, figure out the first step you can take and start taking it today!

    3. Simplify your life and focus on the essentials.

    Another friend of mine, who died a few years ago, created a powerful legacy by simplifying his life and focusing on the essentials. John centered his life around three main things—building powerful connections with others, creating beautiful art, and cultivating his own spiritual growth.

    I would guess that most of John’s life energy was devoted to these three activities. John didn’t let himself get distracted by trivial or meaningless pursuits.

    Learn from my friend John. Figure out the two to four things that are most important to you and put the bulk of your energy into those activities while letting go of the rest.

    4. Treat everyone you meet with kindness. 

    A powerful legacy can often be created with the simplest actions. Simple acts of kindness have been known to change lives in powerful ways.

    And a simple act of kindness can inspire acts of kindness by others—which means that every time you touch someone’s heart with your kindness, you create positive ripples, ripples that will last for a long, long time.

    You can even create a kindness ritual. For example, sparked by my friend’s death, I’ve decided to contact one friend a week, and send them a short note letting them know what they mean to me.

    5. Serve to the best of your ability.

    None of us can do it all and none of us is perfect. And yet we often use those as excuses to do nothing. We do nothing because we can’t do everything or we do nothing because we can’t do what we want perfectly.

    My suggestion is to just serve to the best of your ability. Do your part to make the world a better place, and stop worrying about the fact that you can’t do everything or that you can’t do it perfectly. The truth is that we can all do something to serve and doing that something creates a much more powerful legacy than doing nothing.

    6. Do the next right thing. 

    Maybe you don’t know what kind of legacy you want to create with your life. I completely understand that. We live in a complicated, overwhelming world in which our attention is pulled in a thousand different directions.

    If that’s how you’re feeling, then I suggest that you focus on doing the next right thing every time you’re faced with a choice or decision. Every time you do the right thing—however you define it—you create a powerful chain of actions which leads directly to a powerful legacy.

    7. Remind yourself that you have limited time. 

    In certain Buddhist traditions, people are taught to imagine a little bird on their shoulder and to ask that bird every day if today is their last day.

    Repeatedly using this technique or similar ones reminds us to make good use of our time and that we need to work toward creating our legacy every single day.

    — 

    A few days ago, a friend told me in an email that she didn’t think she had a legacy. The truth though is that we all create legacies with our lives.

    The question isn’t whether or not we’re creating a legacy. The question is whether or not we’re actively creating the legacy that we want to. Incorporate some of the suggestions above, begin leading your life deliberately, and I have no doubt that you’ll create a powerful legacy that will last for generations.

    Man silhouette via Shutterstock

  • 7 Things Everyone Should Learn Before They Die

    7 Things Everyone Should Learn Before They Die

    Woman reading book

    “I would rather die of passion than of boredom.” ~Vincent Van Gogh

    I attended an interesting event a few nights ago. It featured ten speakers who spoke for ten minutes each on ten things you should know before you die.

    The speakers included TV and film stars, CEOs, cover-shooting photojournalists, traveling journalists covering natural disasters, and HIV survivors. As you can imagine, there was a wide spectrum of perspectives shared.

    Here are a few of the lessons that stuck out for me. A lot of these can profoundly change your mindset, how you view the world, and how you choose to react to things. You just need to take a step back and put things into perspective, which leads us into our first one.

    1. Maintain perspective.

    A journalist told a story of how he traveled to Haiti after the devastating earthquake that hit them a few years back. In the capital of Port-au-Prince many of the homes had fallen apart, and people who already had nothing were now living in small plots of land in public squares in the city.

    The separations between each family’s plot were drawn in by hand, with tents and tarps set up overhead.
    In one particular plot was for a seven-year-old girl and a one-year-old boy.

    The speaker spoke a bit of Creole French and asked the people in neighboring tents which family these children were with. They replied, “That is the family.”

    The seven-year-old girl and one-year-old boy’s parents and older siblings had been killed. She was now responsible for this baby.

    This is where the notion of perspective comes in. The next time you’re upset at traffic, or someone is taking too long in the checkout line, or someone hasn’t texted you back quickly enough, take a step back and ask yourself, in the grand scheme of things, is this really worth being upset about?

    The book Unbroken drove this point home for me. Reading what this man went through quickly made me realize, if I were privileged to be born into a first world country (Canada) in the current peaceful time, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. A reminder to myself the next time Netflix is slow to load something…

    2. Take care of your health.

    Health is the gateway to happiness. If you are not living with your fullest energy and vibrancy, how can you expect to get the most from life?

    This was the main message from a middle-aged woman and entrepreneur who broke the status quo and went her own way in life, much to the dismay of her parents. She dropped out of school and traveled the world, falling into a few rough crowds on the journey and eventually settling in Toronto.

    There, she visited a local fresh juice place that ended up changing her life. She fell in love with how the juices made her feel and the energy they gave her, and ended up opening her own juice place called “Juice for Life” (which her Jewish parents hilariously thought was called “Jews for Life” at first). She’s now the founder and CEO of Fresh Restaurants chain in Toronto.

    Anyone who knows me knows health is massively important to me as well. I always pose the question: Is it not a bit crazy to think that people will spend more money on their car, their fashion, and accessories than they would on their body?

    Ask anyone with a serious illness what would they rather have; they all would give up everything they own to get healthy and undo the damage that was done.

    3. Be true to yourself and your calling.

    If you are living and doing something that doesn’t align with you, how can you ever be truly happy and enlightened?

    This was the main message from the founder of Yuk Yuk’s comedy club, a popular spot in Toronto.

    You can imagine the reaction he got from his friends and family when he told them he wanted to enter the comedy business. This was his passion, however, and he knew from experience that if he was doing something different, he would rarely be at peace or be inspired.

    When you find something that aligns and resonates with you, you will know it from the energy it gives you.

    The Vincent Van Gogh quotes sums the message here up quite nicely: Would you rather die of passion or of boredom?

    4. Don’t be afraid to stand out.

    When you go your own way and make your own path, you alone write your legacy.

    This was the motto of a female photojournalist who spoke to us. She joined the world of journalism in the sixties and seventies, when it was completely dominated by men. She was different from what was considered the norm and despite ridicule, sexist remarks, and being seen as lower, she used it to her advantage.

    Being shorter than the male photographers, she was always in front of the pack, allowing her to capture some of the closest, most personal photos. She became one of the first females to have their photos published on the cover of multiple well know magazines, and went on to be the prime journalist covering Terry Fox’s run across Canada.

    It is your inherent right to challenge the status quo. Never be afraid to forge your own destiny due to the thoughts of others. People may laugh at you because you are different. You could pack up and quit here, or you could feel sorry for them because they are all the same.

    As well, never be afraid to challenge why things are the way they are. After all, this is the very question that has forged almost all innovation mankind has ever done.

    5. Don’t play the victim.

    As I mentioned earlier, one of the speakers was a girl born with HIV. She was abandoned by her parents and adopted by a supporting family with nine other adopted children.

    Her new family took her in with love and put her through school like a normal child. But when the other children’s parents found out she had HIV, it was no longer normal. They refused to invite her over to birthday parties and sleepovers and forbade their children from being friends with her.

    She could have closed up and felt angry at the world, but instead she took a position of power and action. Now in her late teens, she has spoken globally, on major TV networks and YouTube, to educate the world on HIV and how ridiculous it is to “ban” your kids from socializing with someone who has it.

    Many people constantly place blame on everything and everyone and make themselves a victim. Why did this happen to me? Why can’t I make more money? Why am I stuck at this job?

    The world doesn’t owe you anything; you were not born a victim. Yet when you look around how many people do you find complaining about their situation but not taking any action or effort to improve it?

    The world gives you so much to work with if you work with it and put in the effort.

    6. Re-direct your energy.

    An actress told her story of failed audition after failed audition while witnessing other people’s success. She knew she could have gotten caught in the negative energy of envy and blame—upset that others were getting roles, getting paid more, or traveling more.

    She didn’t go this way, though; she knew envy can be channeled into focus and motivation.

    The lesson in here is quite simple. Instead of wasting energy being angry, envious, or jealous of those with more success, redirect that energy and ask, “What can I learn from this person to improve my own life?”

    As a result of doing this, she re-auditioned for a part she hadn’t received and was so motivated she ended up blowing them away and getting the role on the spot.

    7. Give your attention.

    One of the speakers began his talk with a severe stutter. The energetic crowd grew quiet, not knowing how to react. He then switched to a more fluent voice and told the audience he suffered with this stutter for the first twenty years of his life.

    When he was a young teen, he worked at one of Vidal Sassoon’s salons, doing odd behind the scenes jobs where he didn’t need to speak, like sweeping and tidying up after customers. Most people didn’t give him the time of day or would mock his difficulty in speaking.

    One day it was announced that Vidal Sassoon himself, the CEO, was coming to visit their Salon. Vidal made a point to meet with everyone, from the highest manager to the ones attending to the cut hair on the floor.

    When he approached the young boy, he asked what his name was. The boy tried to respond but was too nervous, and his stutter was so severe that he just could not get his name out. Vidal smiled, crouched down in front of him, and said “It’s okay, son, I have all the time in the world.”

    The greatest gift you can give someone is your attention. Never allow yourself to get in the mindset that people are “below you,” because even the smallest conversation can make someone’s day. People will forget many things, but they will always remember how others made them feel.

    —

    Imagine a world where everyone learned the lessons above from a young age. It’s possible, but starts with each of us.

    Woman reading image via Shutterstock

  • A Simple Phrase That Can Prevent Arguments and Resentment

    A Simple Phrase That Can Prevent Arguments and Resentment

    Communication

    “It’s not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins

    I am always making up stories about what others think of me or what they really meant when they made that comment. And I typically make up the worst case scenario. According to my brain, everyone is mean-spirited and ridiculing me.

    This is not an uplifting way to live one’s life. The pessimistic stories I create are generated in part by my low self-esteem, and by convincing myself they’re true, I continue to fuel it. My constantly negative perceptions affect my relationships with others and overall mood in a harmful way.

    I recently experienced a huge breakthrough in regard to this aspect of my thought processes. I am a huge fan of Dr. Brené Brown’s work and recently read her newest book Rising Strong. One of my biggest takeaways was this one phrase that will improve your relationships: “The story I’m making up…”

    Why We Make Up Stories

    As humans, our brains make up stories. We automatically search for meaning. If there is a lack of information, then we will try to fill in that gap.

    Studies have shown that we like stories to make sense or fulfill a pattern, and we will use our own experiences as reference for this.

    Brown actually says that research shows we get a dopamine hit when we recognize a pattern. Our brains especially like it if the story can give us more insight into how to protect ourselves and secure our survival.

    This is why we make up stories to explain why bad things happen. If we know the cause, next time we can plan accordingly to avoid the situation altogether. Unfortunately, even though we honestly believe them to be true, the stories we make up are usually at least somewhat inaccurate.

    This is where the phrase, “The story I’m making up…” works to clear things up in our interactions with others.

    How to Use It

    “The story I’m making up…” can be used in times of struggle or conflict with another person. Perhaps a co-worker quickly changed the subject after you expressed a concern about a project. You can use this phrase to say, “The story I’m making up is that I’m being dismissed because my opinion is not valued.”

    Or maybe your significant other flipped on the television when it’s supposed to be date night. You can say, “The story I’m making up is that our relationship is not a priority to you.” It is an effective tool that can be used in family, friend, work, and romantic relationships.

    Recently my husband and I were arguing. He shared his feelings with me, which is often challenging for him. Because I know he really appreciates physical affection (and I struggle to give it), I chose to pull him into a hug instead of responding verbally.

    The hug did not feel reciprocal as his arms were loosely around me. I was vulnerable when I offered physical affection, and his lackluster embrace registered as a cold shoulder to me. I was feeling very hurt as I told him, “The story I’m making up is that this lifeless hug is an expression of rejection.”

    He apologized and explained that he did not intend to reject me; he was just feeling thrown off by my lack of spoken response.

    His mind was whirling trying to figure out a sense-making story as well. “The story I’m making up…” created a space for us to share our intentions and feelings and work through the misunderstandings in a calm and safe environment.

    Why Use It

    The beauty of this phrase is that it provides the setting to speak openly without initiating a defensive reaction from whomever you’re speaking with. It allows you to honestly express your experience while still taking responsibility for your own feelings. This is a disarming method of communication that leads to a more productive dialogue.

    “The story I’m making up…” becomes an opportunity to revisit a confusing or troubling situation. From there you can challenge your perceptions and reality-check them against the viewpoint of the other person. It provides space for the other person to clarify their intentions.

    The majority of the time this phrase stops an argument before it can even start for me and my husband. When one of us is feeling confused, hurt, or misunderstood, we tell the other what story we’re making up.

    Oftentimes the other person clears up the issue without any conflict because typically our intentions with one another are good.

    Miscommunication and negative assumption are the causes of so much unintentional and unnecessary conflict in relationships. Instead of getting into a fight or silently resenting the other person, using the phrase, “The story I’m making up…” establishes a safe place for meaningful dialogue to gain better understanding of the situation and one another.

    You may realize there actually is no issue, or if there is, you can continue to work through it together in a respectful and effective manner.

    Communication image via Shutterstock

  • Fitting In Is Overrated: Embrace Your Uniqueness to Find Meaning in Life

    Fitting In Is Overrated: Embrace Your Uniqueness to Find Meaning in Life

    Be Different

    “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Have you ever felt different—like you don’t fit in at all?

    Do certain things captivate other people but leave you struggling to find meaning?

    What about the big picture? Maybe you feel you chose the wrong career, or you wonder if you were born into the right family—no one else seems to think the way you do.

    Feeling different can be unsettling in a world that values sameness. You can derail your confidence and your progress by demeaning yourself for your differences.

    I felt uncomfortably different most of my life—out of place, misunderstood, and alone. I always worked hard to fit in, fighting a constant, frustrating inner struggle with no tools to help me cope.

    I always got top grades, but didn’t seem to think the way everyone else did, perhaps because my family was poor but I attended an upper-middle-class school.

    I was extremely introverted and shy in an extroverted world. I kept to myself, hiding so no one would know I was different. This broke my heart because I wanted to fit in so badly.

    My desire to fit in continued through college and beyond. I finally realized I was wasting a lot of time and energy by struggling to fit in. I was denying my uniqueness and my chance to create a truly meaningful life.

    By hiding my differences, I short-changed the very reason I was born.

    Most of us don’t realize that hiding our true nature is devastating to ourselves and to the world.

    How We Get Steered Off Course

    Subconsciously, we’re all searching for true meaning in life. We think of it as trying to find happiness.

    Society teaches us we’ll be happy by following norms that make us the same as others. We are encouraged to seek outside of ourselves rather than connecting inward and being fulfilled by the things we love.

    For instance, we learn to:

    • Compete with each other to get into the best schools and to land and keep the best jobs.
    • Look for partners to give us self-worth and complete us.
    • Strive to make money to buy things to make us happy.
    • Do everything to stay young-looking, valuing youth more highly than age and wisdom.

    With these goals, we are constantly doing rather than being. Time disappears because we aren’t embracing life by connecting with our inner being.

    We forget who we are. We are not living. We are grasping for an elusive happiness on the outside.

    We feel like we’ve found happiness repeatedly, only to realize it is temporary. Each time we find it slipping away again, we search to find happiness in some other way.

    Embracing our uniqueness and finding true meaning in life will break the pattern.

    Take the first steps toward freedom.

    Changing direction requires some upheaval. But this is your life. If temporary discomfort results in discovering your meaning and purpose in life—which leaves you feeling fulfilled, balanced, and happy—isn’t change worthwhile?

    Assess your life to see if you abandoned your own uniqueness just to fit the mold.

    Review the five bullets above. Are you following someone else’s path instead of your own? If so, what would you prefer to do instead? It’s never too late to change.

    If you’re seeking approval or self-worth from others, learn how to find these qualities within yourself. If you’re in a career that doesn’t satisfy you, acquire the skills you need to follow your passion.

    What are you doing just to fit in? What daily activities feel like drudgery? What responsibilities or tasks do you often put off or even avoid?

    A long list is a sure clue that you’re not following your passion. Seeking further can help you find true meaning.

    Determine what makes you unique.

    We all have a passion—something that makes us light up inside, something we want to do more than anything else. We bring our own uniqueness to our passion. Following it will help us find true meaning in life.

    Assessing your uniqueness takes careful thought. Set aside an hour at a time. Longer blocks of time are even better. The key is to feel free to brainstorm because nothing else requires your attention.

    Schedule time on your calendar and hold to it.

    When it’s time, go to a quiet place with purpose. Take a notepad or something to capture your ideas. Don’t judge any of your thoughts. Brainstorming means all ideas are of equal value.

    You can be selective later. Judging in advance blocks your creativity and you’ll likely miss something you are suppressing or something new.

    Some questions to ask to uncover your uniqueness are:

    • Which activities cause me to completely lose track of time?
    • What am I always trying to find time to do even when I only have a few free moments?
    • What makes me really happy?
    • What matters most to me personally?

    Once you have thought through and listed all your answers to these questions, list each answer on a separate line. Ask yourself what parts of your life feel most and least aligned with your favorite activities, passions and values.

    Record and study this information closely to find clarity.

    Leverage what you’ve discovered.

    It’s time to follow your heart, honor your uniqueness, and discover your true meaning. Gather your answers and decide how to incorporate this newfound knowledge into your life.

    Maybe you uncovered a passion you’ve always suppressed. For example, I always loved writing, but I only pursued it indirectly in the form of business writing because that was a practical way to earn a living.

    Business writing is not my favorite form of writing, and it never satisfied my desire to write. But now that I have my own business, I’m writing the way I’ve always wanted to.

    I’ve combined writing with my other passion of pursuing better ways to live. Now I’m excited when I write, I’m fulfilling my purpose, and I’m helping others.

    Seek further if your passion still eludes you.

    Maybe you’ve squelched your uniqueness for so long that you can’t find your truth. If you have more questions than answers, that’s great! That’s when it’s time to experiment.

    Answers can come from many different sources, so cover a lot of ground. When you find clues, you can piece them together to form your plan of action.

    Ask others what they do, find books and other resources to read, seek professionals to help you, join a group of like-minded individuals, take a class, or ask the universe. Use your creativity to reach out broadly. The answers will come.

    Start exploring one area that calls to you. Try something creative such as art, theater, or science. Begin looking for solutions to your biggest problem, or reach out to help someone else. Life holds many right answers. Seeking and finding them is the fun part.

    When I began my search for happiness, I looked everywhere. I even opened my mind to things I thought were illogical, like aura balancing. I was surprised when I discovered that I could actually feel negative energy being pulled out of my body by someone using a crystal.

    That incident sent me to seek spiritual answers. Ultimately, I found my answers through the teachings of yoga. I was so motivated by these teachings that I moved into a meditation center for a year to pursue them.

    This brought me around full circle, proving that I really am different—and because I found my passion, I learned that being different is completely okay. This changed my life radically.

    Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb with your search. You never know where it might lead you. It is far better to follow your heart and be different than to struggle to try to be the same.

    We all have differences in a world that values similarity. When fitting in means suppressing who you are and what you love the most, you miss your opportunity to connect deeply with yourself—to live, shine, find true meaning in life, and offer your unique talents to the world.

    By opening your heart and mind and being completely free to explore what matters to you, you will learn who you are. Next time you find yourself holding back to avoid standing out, realize that you add value to the world.

    Never be afraid to follow your passion and blaze new trails. It’s important to have faith in the process of life. The trick is to realize and embrace your uniqueness. By doing so, you will be led in the direction you were meant to go.

    Be Different image via Shutterstock

  • How to Rekindle Your Passion for What You Do

    How to Rekindle Your Passion for What You Do

    “I would rather die of passion than of boredom.” ~Vincent van Gogh

    I rolled my eyes when a new set of emails popped up in my inbox. Will the messages ever stop? I remember the early days of the Internet, when it was actually a thrill to receive a new message.

    What used to be exciting had become not only boring, but downright annoying.

    That’s when I realized that what I considered my “treasures” had become burdens over time.

    And while it wasn’t a big deal to see my old favorite pair of jeans in the donation pile, I became terrified when one day I woke up and, instead of feeling energized by what I do, I felt dread.

    There were more than thirty items on my to-do list.

    My passion had turned into an endless stream of tasks. My inspiration was at peril, and I couldn’t let that happen.

    Here are the five steps I followed to rekindle the passion for what I do. This process worked for me, and it might work for you, too.

    1. Take a break.

    Although it may seem that your busy schedule doesn’t leave room for a break, it is possible to fit in a few hours, days, or even a couple of weeks off if you really want to.

    Think about past situations when you had to take time off because of illness or a family emergency. Somehow you were able to manage. Treat your break as a top priority so you can make it happen.

    Your break shouldn’t be an escape from your dreadful day-to-day activities, but the opportunity to get a fresh perspective of where you are and where you want to be.

    Now, I make sure to schedule twenty-minute breaks throughout the day, and I reserve one day a week for a day outing or a fun get-together with friends. My best ideas come to me right after taking time off!

    2. Go back in time.

    During your break, bring yourself back to the beginning of your current business or occupation.

    What used to excite you the most?

    What did you want to learn?

    What kind of future did you envision?

    What new experiences did you have and what did you learn from these experiences?

    When I answered the questions above, I realized that my busyness had taken me away from doing what I love most: inspiring others.

    3. Figure out what’s different now.

    Now it’s time to return to the present and compare your current situation to those first exhilarating days doing what you do.

    If you feel as though motivation has left you, it’s likely that you can relate to one of the following:

    • What used to be a new skill or a challenge has become something you could do in your sleep.
    • Your responsibilities have multiplied, and you find yourself overwhelmed with endless tasks.
    • You did a reality check, and concluded that you’re not likely to attain your previous, ambitious goals.
    • You’re not learning anymore, just doing the same thing over and over again.
    • Your interests or values have changed, and what you’re doing isn’t a good match anymore.

    Doing this exercise helped me realize that feeling overwhelmed was killing my inspiration.

    When you determine what is different now, you’ll have the clarity you need to move on to the next step in the process.

    4. Introduce changes.

    Complaining, feeling sorry for yourself, hoping to someday get rid of your business, or counting the days until you retire so you can finally do something you love are not choices that will lead to a happy and fulfilled life.

    You know what you want.

    You know what is missing.

    Now you must take action.

    You could delegate mundane tasks so that you could fully utilize your strongest skills.

    You could learn a new skill to help you advance toward your highest, original goals.

    You could find a mentor who’s been where you are and who would provide expert guidance as you make changes.

    You could find a supportive community of like-minded colleagues to brainstorm exciting ideas and meet new people.

    You could add new products or services to your business or switch to a new occupation that matches your current values and interests.

    I decided to outsource a few of my time-consuming, menial tasks and set aside more time to write, a source of personal joy and my favorite way to inspire those around me.

    Now, it’s your turn: Choose action steps that tackle whatever is bringing dissatisfaction into your life and killing your passion.

    Especially at the beginning, implementing any of these changes will feel uncomfortable, but the initial discomfort will be replaced with a sense of excitement and rekindled passion.

    5. Schedule your next break.

    Fuel the passion for what you do by scheduling regular checkpoints where you’ll take a step back and plan new changes if necessary.

    In time, you’ll experience a steady feeling of satisfaction and wellbeing. You’ll get out of bed every morning knowing you’re making a difference and following your passion!

    What changes are you planning to make so that you can rekindle the passion for what you do?

  • Out of Every Crisis Comes the Opportunity to be Reborn

    Out of Every Crisis Comes the Opportunity to be Reborn

    Woman with arms outstretched

    “Always seek out the seed of triumph in every adversity.” ~Og Mandino

    In November of 2007 my life burned to the ground—quite literally.

    I lost my house, four foster dogs, my sixteen-year-old cat, four pet rats, all of my possessions—and with that, my sense of peace and safety in the world.

    I had called every fear I ever had into my life on that one, dark day. In short order, I was homeless, jobless, and for the most part, friendless.

    I was downsized from my full-time job, let go from my part-time job of five years (on my birthday), and my jeep engine blew up, all within three weeks of the fire.

    But back to that black day in November… I was living in a small rental house on forty-five acres out in the middle of the country, my dream since childhood. It was a place where I could have as many critters as I could feed, and they would be free to run and play and live out their lives in peace and harmony.

    There was even a small lake with a tiny rowboat a few hundred yards from my house. I sat on the front porch most nights and weekends looking out over the cornfields, watching my dogs chase butterflies during the day and fireflies at night.

    I thought life was pretty perfect.

    Then, on the fateful day, as I was driving up the half-mile gravel road, having finished a long day as an ER social worker, I was stunned to find black smoke billowing from the roof of the house. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

    When I came out of my stupor, I ran to the house and promptly did everything I had ever been told not to do in a fire. I ran to the front door, grabbed the red-hot knob, and flung the door open, screaming for my animals that I knew were trapped inside.

    When an orange ball of fire hurled toward me, I ran around to the back door and made my way halfway through the dining room before I had to turn around and go back.

    The smoke was so thick I could neither see nor breathe.

    It was at this time that I noticed three of my dogs, who had been left outside to play and sun themselves on the front porch, had followed me into my burning house. I rounded them up and piled them in the jeep, and called the volunteer fire department on my cell phone between screams and sobs.

    My house burned to the ground, along with my four-legged Chihuahua foster “kids,” my cat, my rats, and everything I owned: irreplaceable family photos, my diaries dating back to the age of twelve, things left to me by my grandparents.

    I had no renters insurance, and so, no ability to replace anything.

    Thanks to the American Red Cross and my sister, Tiffany, and brother-in-law, Gregg, I was able to stay for a week in an inexpensive motel with my Rottweiler, Nikko; Pit Bull, Chloe; and my fourteen-year-old Chihuahua, Solomon.

    My mother, sister, and brother-in-law, who all lived out of state, were there for me when I cried endless tears for my lost animals, and as I tried to move through my fog of grief and depression.

    Other friends and family, including my boyfriend/best friend of nearly four years, vanished in the aftermath. Most did not even call to ask if I was okay, or if I needed anything.

    I came to understand that some people are very inept and uncomfortable in dealing with human tragedy, and so, turn away when life gets ugly.

    The loss of these relationships was as devastating as the fire itself. These were people I loved and trusted—people whom I would have bet my life would never abandon me. I was wrong.

    I was amazed and incredibly grateful for those who did come to my rescue—strangers, really.

    A woman I had never met (and my sister barely knew from a support group she had attended a few times) sent me $1500. With this I was able to put a down payment on a car.

    A local animal rescue group provided blankets for my dogs and six months worth of medication for Solomon, who had congestive heart failure.

    Another sweet soul sent me a gift card for books—always a treasured companion throughout my life.

    A hairdresser volunteered her time and skill putting hair extensions in for six months when my hair broken off at the scalp, due to stress.

    This helped me to learn that not everyone that comes into your life is meant to be there throughout your journey. People will come and go, and sometimes it will break your heart. But you may find sanctuary in the most unexpected places.

    The kindness shown to me by these individuals allowed me to start the long healing process. I came to realize that if I was going to survive this, I was going to have to find meaning in the experience and become determined to grow wiser and stronger as a result.

    I would not allow my animals to have lost their lives for nothing. Their little souls mattered. This would be my way of honoring them.

    I began to let the pettiness of others and the drudgery of every day life fall away.

    What did it really matter if I was having a bad hair day or someone in front of me left their turn signal on for three miles? What if I lost my job? My car blew up? These things were small potatoes in the grand scheme of things.

    I felt like I had survived damn near everything the world could dump on me in a small space of time, and I had made it through the other side.

    I was a survivor. This title came with the mandate of seeing the world, and living in the world, in a very different way than before. Small things had to fall away and my focus needed to shift to what was truly important—the kind of things that would still matter ten years down the line.

    Also in my new way of being was the idea of embracing what truly made me happy, not what I thought other people would admire or approve of. 

    If I wanted to eat ice cream for breakfast and lay under a tree in the park in my bunny slippers reading Stephen King, then by God, I was going to do it!

    A little way down the road I decided that working forty to fifty hours a week in order to have more stuff, a nicer car, and a nicer house wasn’t what made me happy. I began teaching part-time at an area university and opened a small therapy practice.

    My income was cut in half, but I had so much free time to spend going to the park with my dogs, sleeping in, staying up late, and just being out in the sunshine instead of being cooped up indoors. And I was doing something I loved for the first time in my life.

    Ultimately, what I learned is that any human tragedy is survivable if one chooses to find meaning in the experience. And if you choose to become stronger, wiser, and more compassionate as a result, then no experience, no matter how painful, is ever solely negative.

    On the other side of all of the fear and the heartache I found peace and happiness.

    Woman with arms outstretched image via Shutterstock

  • A Simple Way to Light Up Your Life with Meaning, Love, and Joy

    A Simple Way to Light Up Your Life with Meaning, Love, and Joy

    LOVE

    “Love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire.” ~Viktor Frankl

    Picture this: it was 3am but I couldn’t fall asleep. I had little to complain about, except a feeling that life seemed to be passing me by.

    My father had died abruptly some years earlier, my mother had come through a major operation, our children were growing increasingly independent, and our marriage was strong.

    Work was admittedly a bit stressful, and colleagues were less helpful than they might have been. But I ate a healthy diet, exercised, maintained a reasonable work-life balance, and did most of the “right” things. Still, despite my healthy habits, something was lacking.

    Fast forward to Boxing Day 2004: TV channels were full of the Indian Ocean tsunami. Something told me, as a doctor and scientist, to drop whatever I was doing and fly to Tamil Nadu in India. I arrived in Nagapattinam town to find large fishing boats lying in the middle of the street.

    The tsunami waves had flung huge boats around as if they were small toys. Entire fishing villages had completely vanished. The lightly constructed mud and leaf homes had been washed away as if they were matchboxes.

    Now thousands of homeless people were crowded into school buildings and makeshift tent villages. Many had no access to proper sanitation or drinking water. People who had lost loved ones were walking around in a daze.

    People crowded around me with tragic stories.

    One woman described how she lost both her children, and how she couldn’t have more, because she’d undergone a family planning operation. Another described how her infant had been passed from hand to hand as people ran from the waves. Her infant survived, but her toddler had been swallowed by the huge waves.

    I was not there when the tsunami struck, but I could easily have been lazing on that beach. I remember thinking how fragile life is. Even without a natural disaster, you or I could be in a fatal traffic accident today or tomorrow.

    Over the next fortnight I experienced involuntary fasts between huge vegetarian meals, over-work, exhaustion, mild diarrhoea, and dehydration, but this fortnight transformed me.

    Thousands of volunteers of all ages and backgrounds had converged on the tsunami-hit area. People in Muslim skull caps rubbed shoulders with Hindu monks in saffron robes and international volunteers.

    Everyone was pulling together, helping the local government officials. It was as if each of us was playing our own instrument in a symphony.

    We were like an army of love, driven to make a difference.

    My role was to set up a disease surveillance system and train local staff to operate it.

    Would there be outbreaks of disease in the relief camps? Would bereaved people succumb to disease? Would our surveillance system catch outbreaks in time to prevent epidemics?

    Nothing was certain, but we powered ahead. I felt calm yet energised, carried along by the warmth of newly made friends. There was no opportunity to maintain my healthy habits, but I felt more alive than ever.

    I felt carried along on a wave of love as we all pulled together in our common cause. Every little chore became lit up by purpose and meaning. That’s when I realized the wisdom of the saying: Stop asking what life can give you, start asking what you can give life.

    When life feels like a meaningless treadmill, you might lie awake at 3am and ponder the emptiness of it all. However, within you is a tiger that is merely sleeping, waiting to be unleashed in the pursuit of one or more great causes.

    I now still maintain healthy habits. But those worthwhile rituals are not sufficient to infuse life with meaning and passion. More is needed.

    Imagine flowing through life in the company of friends, all attracted by a shared vision of a better world, infused with love for others, pulling together to make a positive vision come true.

    Start giving and contributing of your best self, for the sheer joy of giving. That’s how you can become a calm achiever, tolerant of uncertainty, energized by meaning.

    It will seep into all areas of your life and make you more self-assured, more fired up, more attractive. Think of it as a channel for the great love which is within you.

    If you get paid for doing what you would choose to do anyhow, celebrate! If not, can you find some parts of your job that you would do even without pay, some angle perhaps that transforms life for others?

    If not, there’s still plenty of opportunity.

    You could identify a cause that you passionately believe in. You could take the first step by joining a local group or starting one. Look online, or in your local paper, for groups that meet near you; and start making a little time each week, or month, to nourish this heroic, passionate part of you.

    You could also write to your elected representatives to urge support for your cherished causes. Your taxes are spent on a variety of things that aren’t always dear to you. Influencing how public funds are spent can bring powerful support for causes you believe in.

    So, how well did our surveillance system work? Not a single life was lost to infectious diseases in the weeks following the tsunami.

    The whole experience felt like the sun of meaning breaking through the clouds of habit in my life. Now when I die, I would like my life to be measured by how much love I expressed through my life.

    Focus on contributing and transforming the lives of others, and your own life will light up with meaning, love, and joy. You’ll become a calmer achiever, better able to bear the stresses, difficulties, and setbacks that life often brings.

    The best time to start living like this was long ago. The next best time to start is now.

    Love image via Shutterstock

  • Show Up for Yourself and Believe in Your Dream

    Show Up for Yourself and Believe in Your Dream

    Follow Your Dreams

    “As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.” ~Rumi

    My early life was challenging, to say the least. I grew up in a difficult home situation, which I hoped to escape through an early marriage. That marriage produced four beautiful children by the time I was twenty-one years old.

    We were very poor and I hoped to get us out of poverty, but I wasn’t sure it was possible.

    I’d been poor all my life. I didn’t really know what it was like to have abundance. I thought success was for “other people.” My only education was a GED and I couldn’t earn enough money to pay for childcare, much less improve our situation.

    It seemed to be hopeless, but I looked at my kids and decided that I had to try.

    It was my ambition to earn a bachelor’s degree, which I eventually did through grants, scholarships, and a lot of hard work.

    It took me five years to get through college. I finally graduated at the age of twenty-nine. After that, I always had a job and was able to take care of my family. Poverty was a distant memory.                      

    What does this mean for you?

    You can do a lot more than you think. You may never be twenty-one years old again, but you can have the essence of what it is that you really want. If you have a dream, it’s because there’s a part of you that’s whispering “yes” into your ear. Listen to it.

    Please don’t listen to the nay-sayers. There were so many people who never thought I’d make it. They told me to go on welfare, to tolerate abuse for myself and my children, to give up.

    If I’d listened to them, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. I did what needed to be done in order to achieve my dream, and so can you.

    Yes, it will be hard. There were many nights that I sat up crying in bed. There were the two weeks that I went hungry so that my children could eat while I waited for the food stamp application to be approved.

    When I enrolled in a junior college, I had a major meltdown on the very first day. I thought I’d lost my mind by signing up for all those classes. Who was I, trying to go to college in my mid-twenties with four children? I did it though.

    If you set a big goal for yourself, it’s okay if it’s hard. It’s not fun, but it’s okay. Anything you really want that you haven’t done yet is going to be hard. Expect it to be hard.

    If you’ve wanted something for this long, there’s a reason. Don’t betray yourself by not going for it. It will be hard. Do it anyway.

    It’s not too late to have what you want in life. Would it have been great to have everything you wanted by the time you were twenty-five? Sure, but most of us don’t. We all have struggles and challenges. We all know someone we think had it easier.

    In our culture, we’re bombarded with images of people living the dream. We feel like we are missing out if we don’t have it all.

    It’s helpful to remember that gorgeous twenty-somethings with money, fulfilling relationships, and successful careers are simply not the norm. We’re all human and we all have our struggles. Life is not a commercial.

    You’ll be much happier if you get over the myth that life should always be fun and easy. Start creating the life you want to have today. It’s only too late if you believe that it is. Thinking that it’s too late is an insidious myth in our youth-obsessed culture. Don’t fall for it.

    You can still earn your degree, find the relationship you want, get in shape, whatever it is that you want to have. Start now. In five years, you will be five years older whether or not you did anything with your life.

    The difference between those who achieve what they want in life and those who don’t is determination and tenacity, not luck, looks, or youth. I’m so grateful for the opportunities I’ve had in life, but the truth is, I’ve made the most of them and they only showed up when I did.

    Show up for yourself and the opportunities will appear. Maybe they won’t appear immediately, but if you stick with it, they will show up.

    The universe is an abundant place and there’s always a chance for us. Set your course today for the life you want to have and remember that you can do more than you think. The way will find you when you step up, believe in your own dream, and work toward it.

    Once you achieve your big dream, remember to pay it forward and encourage someone else who needs a reminder of what’s possible.

    Follow your dreams image via Shutterstock

  • How to Discover the Work That Will Bring You Joy and Purpose

    How to Discover the Work That Will Bring You Joy and Purpose

    “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” ~David Viscott

    You are a seeker. Searching for more of life. More joy. More depth. More connection. More happiness.

    Our generation is not willing to settle for meaningless existence. Just to get by, just to keep it all together. It doesn’t interest us any more.

    We want more freedom. Especially in the realm of our work.

    But it can seem like a long road between ‘here’ and ‘there.’ From this job, from this life into… the unknown.

    We know there is deeper purpose to fulfill, so we start to ask ourselves the question…

    What Would Make Me Happy?

    Four years ago I started asking myself this question. And I was coming up with nothing. Silence. Not good.

    I was working as a successful hospital pharmacist, moving up the ladder into management. I made great money and was well respected and efficient. But I was unhappy.

    My professional dissatisfaction had become physical, and my body was speaking to me with symptoms of severe nausea. Sugar consumption was at an all time high and I had to get out.

    But where to go? What would make me happy? What would I rather do?

    I had no idea.

    If you too are at career and life crossroads, you are likely asking yourself this question too. What would make you happy?

    And perhaps, like me, you won’t be able to answer the question at first. Or, if you do dream up a solution it involves distant countries, foreign adventures, and escape. And in your heart you know that’s not the answer.

    You desire a life that you don’t need a holiday to “escape from.”

    You desire a life that is the destination.

    When I first asked myself this question—what would make me happy?—the hospital pharmacist had no clue.

    I was going through the motions of life and finding pleasure in its various pursuits, but there was nothing that really lit me up. Nothing that really sang to my heart.

    And I was frustrated. How was I so numb to life that I couldn’t answer the simple question in a meaningful, not just fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of way?

    So I rephrased the question from “What would make me happy?” to something more achievable. “What am I curious about?”

    I removed the pressure for this next job to be “the thing that made me happy” and I created space for possibility.

    Every single possibility that sparked a trace of passion or happiness was followed, and it looked like:

    Could I sell antiques? Let me investigate… Perhaps organizing weddings? Or bake bliss balls?

    Maybe I could be a yoga teacher? The list goes on…

    And something remarkable began to happen. I found the more I explored, the more I got to know myself again.

    The more I discovered what didn’t make me happy, the closer to joy I felt.

    The more I became sensitized to what really lit me up, the clearer my direction felt.

    Create Space

    By this stage the desire for change was relentless. The pain of going on, in the current incarnation of my work, was greater than the fear of stepping into the unknown.

    And so I stepped. I reduced my pharmacy job hours and I created space for more possibility, more curiosity, and more purpose to flow into my life.

    When we are busy, the sheer inertia of our day often takes over. Our habits of keeping everything on track, worshiping the goddess of busy, and forgetting to prioritize our pleasure become the norm.

    And these are the same habits that we see to re-write.

    But re-calibration needs space to occur.

    Just like downloading new software to your computer, and waiting for the re-boot to happen, this upgrade takes time. And patience. And the screen will go black for a while.

    We have to be open and willing to sit in the black void while the download is received, while the new paradigm is created. We have to create the space for desire to arrive.

    And keeping busy doesn’t create space. It just creates more of the same.

    Essentially, if you keep on doing what you’re doing, you will keep on getting what you’re getting.

    Stop Reward-Consuming and Clear Your Debt

    At this point in my journey, and in the journey of so many others, money always comes up as ‘the thing.’

    I have expenses. I have a mortgage. I couldn’t possibly live on any less income. It feels risky.

    I hear you.

    But what price do you place on your joy?

    Consider this. The busy paradigm most us live in isn’t overflowing with joy or purpose. So we learn to compensate with treating ourselves to this restaurant, that holiday, this new wardrobe, and that green smoothie every time we are out.

    We find rewards to compensate for our unhappiness, because our consumption increases proportional to our dissatisfaction with life.

    These ‘rewards’ become just that. Rewards. To keep our heads above the surface in a career or life or relationship we don’t otherwise find joyful.

    What if, with the creation of space and the following of your curiosities, you could create more joy, with less stuff?

    I’m not saying that your new joy-filled job is going to pay less. In fact, I would argue that you will probably earn more (I do). But in the short term, your change of direction takes investment. Investment in yourself.

    During my own transition period of creating more space and following my curiosities there were two essential and practical outcomes:

    • I stopped mindlessly consuming. I started investing solely in myself and what nurtured me.
    • I cleared my debts so I felt free to follow my desires, wherever they led.

    And with time, space, and curiosity I felt ready to face the big question.

    What Is My Purpose?

    I started to feel into: What is this concept that we call purpose? How did she get it? And how can I get there?

    So many nights I sat with this question.

    During one of these soul-searching nights I read a quote from the Dali Lama where he said, “The purpose of life is to be happy,” and I realized the truth.

    No one job can define my purpose. No one choice, or label, or career can be my purpose.

    Purpose cannot be defined by one thing. Purpose is a choice that I make every day. A choice about how I show up in the world.

    When I show up with my heart open and I follow my desires, my truth, my passion, my happiness and I share that with the world, I am living my purpose.

    Purpose = sharing my passion with the world.

    This definition of purpose isn’t restricted to one career or one choice. It’s a simple choice every day.

    I can show up as pharmacist Jenna sharing my passion and live a life of purpose.

    I can show up as kinesiologist Jenna sharing my passion and live a life of purpose.

    Which means the more I open my heart, the more I follow my passion, the more I serve through that passion, the more purpose I find in life.

    But following your passion might not manifest as a career at first. Because purpose is more than a job.

    It’s a way of living.

    And often when seeking transformation, the change has to happen within before it manifests out in the world.

    Connecting with your deep passion, which knows how to answer the question “What would make me happy?” fills you up from within. And when that vessel is full, it overflows.

    Into the service of others and into jobs and careers and meaning in the world.

    Which is what we are seeking. More joy. More depth. More connection. More happiness.

    You are the only one who can make the choice, the space, the commitment.

    Choose yourself.

  • In a Rut? Your Second-Grade Self Knows What to Do

    In a Rut? Your Second-Grade Self Knows What to Do

    Little Girl Meditating

    “Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.” ~Pablo Picasso

    It amazes me how often our personalities, habits, and interests as adults resemble the same ones that we had as elementary-aged kids. In fact, I’m convinced that when we are feeling lost, in a rut, or at a crossroads, we should consider the wisdom we had as eight-year-olds.

    I first became aware of my love for writing when I was in second grade. When my teacher created a class newspaper, giving each student an individual piece of paper on which to write stories of our choosing, I was in Heaven.

    She then arranged each story like a jigsaw puzzle onto multiple pages in order to make copies for each of us. Seeing my handwritten stories “published” onto paper for the entire class left me practically swooning.

    It was during this same time that my infatuation with music developed, and I first started using music to express myself.

    When my neighborhood boyfriend and I broke up, I did what any second-grade, romantically-inclined and musically-obsessed child would do. I danced and sang “Don’t Turn Around” by Ace of Base in my driveway.

    Imagining I was singing, “Don’t turn around, ‘cause you’re gonna see my heart breaking. Don’t turn around, I don’t want you seeing me cry,” to my long-lost/four-houses-down love interest felt like the best possible way of expressing my feelings. Plus, I felt like a rock star—which, I can report back, is a great way to boost spirits.

    While my elementary-school boyfriend choices never lasted and I have yet to become a famous Ace of Base cover singer, I still consider music and writing to be my deepest passions. Whether I’m writing articles, sending emails to friends, or merely jotting thoughts in a journal, I feel like I’m in the flow.

    Similarly, going to concerts, listening to music, writing music, singing along to my iPod in the car, and playing musical instruments fills me with such joy that it’s hard to contain all that passion without it giving me goosebumps.

    Nobody ever told me to like music and writing. For whatever reason, it just became something that I was passionate about. Yet, I still went through many years of racking my brain for clues about what I should do “when I grow up” before I started to take seriously my interests back in the second grade.

    When I stopped trying to ignore those deep-seated passions, that same bliss from my days of writing for my classroom newspaper or singing in the driveway came right back.

    If you, likewise, are currently in a position of trying to imagine your future without much luck, try looking backward first. What were you passionate about in elementary school? What were the hobbies that you chose for yourself that nobody told you to do?

    Did you have a serious rock collection? Perhaps you’d enjoy geology. Couldn’t keep your hands out of the dirt? Maybe you’d love being a horticulturist or a farmer.

    Were you never able to walk past a dog or a cat in your neighborhood without stopping to pet them? I bet you’d thrive at being a veterinarian or an animal trainer.

    Of course, we probably all went through phases of being interested in something as kids that we have no desire to do anymore. Despite my interest in Pogs, Boondoggles, and Giga Pets circa the sixth grade, I’m not about to deplete my savings to start my very own Pog-Boondoggle-Giga Pet Emporium (though I have to admit, that does sound pretty tempting).

    Still, there may be pieces of your history that have been forgotten; if you uncovered them now, implementing them even in small ways, they may be just the ticket to bring you a renewed sense of enthusiasm or creativity.

    If you loved art more than anything else as a kid but are not in a position to leave your desk job, then maybe you could see if there are community art classes you could sign up for on the weekend, or you could create a weekly craft night with your friends.

    If animals always made your heart skip a beat but your landlord won’t allow pets, perhaps volunteering at an animal shelter would satiate that need for four-legged friendship.

    If you were the class clown growing up but feel like you aren’t laughing as much anymore, maybe you’d enjoy catching some comedians at the local comedy club. Or even doing some stand-up yourself.

    As we all continue to age and expand our ever-growing knowledge, I believe it would be smart to remind ourselves every once in a while of the innate wisdom we had as kids, when we were free to play and explore our interests without wondering what they said about us or how prestigious they seemed to others.

    There may be hidden truths about your passions buried in your childhood that needs rediscovering, and digging them out may be just the thing you need to create an exciting new path for yourself. (Or at the very least, you can remind yourself and be proud of how impressive that Pog collection was.)

    Girl meditating image via Shutterstock

  • Enjoy the Little Things: How to Find the Sacred in Everyday Life

    Enjoy the Little Things: How to Find the Sacred in Everyday Life

    “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~Robert Brault

    One of the things I love about the Native American spiritual path is the focus on appreciating the simple things in life.

    Simple things are often hard to relate to in today’s world of overwhelm.

    Eric Schmidt, executive chairman of Google, says we human beings currently create as much information in two days as we did from the dawn of civilization up through 2003!

    And yet our bodies were, and still are, designed to be in tune with the sun, the moon, the seasons, and the cycles of nature. That simplicity is what our souls long for.

    So our adaption to the “modern age” has been fraught with peril to our peace of mind and our health.

    Our ancestors greeted the sun each morning, enjoyed simple home-cooked meals, played with their children and grandchildren, and delighted in a beautiful sunset, with no television to lure them inside on a beautiful summer evening.

    I am as tempted as the next person to watch a good TV show, but I have found that the evenings when I putter in the kitchen, making a healthy meal while listening to relaxing music, are much more fulfilling.

    Finding Meaning in the Little Things

    I designed my house around being able to have African violets in the kitchen window.

    I did it because my grandmother had them in her kitchen window. That meant the kitchen window had to be in the south, because that gave them the best light.

    So my entire house was designed around having a south-facing kitchen window for African violets.

    Every time I stand at the kitchen sink and see them, I think of my grandmother. And it becomes a simple, heartfelt connection to the past.

    Native Americans sought a simple, earth-based lifestyle also. No one who truly understood the responsibility involved ever sought to be a “medicine man.” They longed to be a simple human being, living a simple life.

    My first Native American teacher, Sun Bear, said, “I’m not interested in any philosophy unless it can help me grow corn.” Meaning, knowledge that makes our lives better is what’s most valuable.

    It’s fine to spend time philosophizing about lofty ideals, but how does that help you if you’re unable to enjoy a cup of tea, or a sunset, or delight in watching a child take her first steps?

    Living a peaceful, fulfilling life is sacred.

    Is There More to Life Than This?

    I remember an episode of the sitcom Seinfeld in which Jerry Seinfeld was, for once in his life, thoughtful and sensitive. In reviewing his shallow life, he asked, “Isn’t there more to life than this?”

    His neighbor Kramer replied, “I know the answer to that: There isn’t!”

    What if there isn’t more to life than simplicity, appreciating every day, helping others, and being kind when we can? I think that’s not so bad!

    I have two friends who recently retired and told me they asked themselves, “What should we do now with our time?”

    And they decided they just want to help people. They’re very handy and told me that whenever I need something fixed around the house, to just call them and they’ll come fix it at no charge. They do it just for the pure joy of it.

    It helps me enormously and gives them the fulfilling feeling of having helped someone. What a simple retirement solution.

    And I get the joy of inviting them over to dinner as a thank you.

    Spiritual Acts in Daily Life

    Here are some things that I feel are sacred in life, and they certainly are simple. Perhaps making time to add them to your day will bring the sacred back into it:

    1. Prayer.

    2. Meditation.

    3. Time in nature.

    4. Time with children; they certainly know how to live in the moment.

    5. Meal preparation. It’s an opportunity to pray over your food. Make it a meditation.

    6. Greet the day. Watch the sun rise and say, ”Thank you.”

    7. Say “goodnight” to the day and express gratitude for everything that happened that day.

    8. Declutter your home, which also leads to decluttering your mind. I’m going through a massive purging right now, getting rid of things I no longer use. It feels as though I’m opening up my mind and soul for a fresh breeze to flow through and renew me.

    9. Awake early to have time to meditate, breathe, and watch the birds, while slowly, mindfully, drinking a cup of coffee or tea.

    10. When you feel the need to buy something, stop. Wait twenty-four hours. Why do you want it? Do you need it? What void is it filling? What else can fill it?

    11. Do you keep the T.V. on without even watching it? Living alone, I am well aware that sometimes I like the T.V on just to hear the voices of other people. But I’ve recently taken to leaving the T.V. off and listening to music instead. So I still hear voices, but more pleasant ones.

    Here are a few things turning off the T.V. can give you: time with a loved one, time for exercise, time for meditation, time for self, time to observe nature, time for a nap.

    Why not take some time to slow down, incorporate some of these spiritual acts into your day, and see what a difference it makes?

  • Don’t Wait Until the End to Wake Up to Your Life

    Don’t Wait Until the End to Wake Up to Your Life

    Man in a Cave

    “Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever; you just have to live.” ~Natalie Babbitt

    My friend died recently.

    I saw him just a few hours before he died too. He stopped by my office as he had done numerous times before to say hello. I’d seen him go through various challenges and come out better. His life was great, and the future looked bright. And I was happy for him because he had worked so hard to get to this place.

    My friend died that night in a freak accident.

    I was stunned. Why him? Why now when he had so much to live for?

    As I was dealing with the sadness and shock of this sudden loss, I remembered the gift of life and the precious few moments we had with each other.

    I hope these reminders will help you treasure each moment with yourself and with others:

    1. Slow down.

    Most of us live our lives like someone who always drives on the freeway. We get to our destinations faster, but when we avoid the slower country roads, we miss out on the beauty of the land and the people.

    We get so caught up in our busy schedules and our to-do lists that we lose out on the ordinary moments that we often disregard as meaningless or unproductive.

    When my friend died, the realization that I would never experience his impromptu visits again hit me hard. I just assumed I would see him the next day, as I had done countless times before.

    I now understood how precious the moments we did have were. I understood that beauty is in each moment of my own life—that I don’t have to wait for the peak moments to feel alive, happy, or loved. I can slow down and enjoy all the blessings of being alive right now.

    2. Learn to talk about death.

    Our society doesn’t face the reality of death too well. We live like we will never die. We fail to plan and prepare. We put off the important things until it’s too late.

    Why? It’s scary to talk about, and it’s emotionally taxing to think about.

    I remember being intensely afraid of death as a child. I’d been to a few funerals, and the sight of dead bodies was something that haunted me. Sometimes I still struggle with thinking and talking about death until it hits close to home.

    The sudden death of my friend reminded me of why talking about death with your loved ones is so important. If I died today, will my family be taken care of? Will my spouse know my funeral and burial wishes?

    Talking about death allows us to make plans for the inevitable event so that those closest to us can know what to do when we die. They will be going through enough heartache, so helping them to feel prepared will ease their burden.

    3. Embrace uncertainty.

    Like death itself, we are often petrified to embrace uncertainty. That’s understandable. One of our basic human needs is to feel a sense of control in our lives. Taken too far, the desire for absolute certainty can be harmful.

    As a recovering perfectionist, I know about overreacting if plans don’t go exactly as expected. I would become irritable or lose focus. My sense of well-being was often diminished by relatively minor detours from my plans.

    But I’ve learned over the years that the most amazing thing about uncertainty is how we can be blindsided by joy. If we avoid uncertainty, we deprive ourselves of all of the wonderful possibilities that can come from the unexpected.

    And while the unexpected is also bound to bring pain, it’s from that pain that we find nuggets of wisdom to help us grow emotionally and spiritually.

    Though death itself is the one ultimate certainty, when and how it comes is unknown. Just like my beloved friend, I will die—on a day, time, and manner not of my choosing.

    Embracing this ultimate uncertainty frees me emotionally to live in the present where I am more likely to be happier and fulfilled.

    How do you embrace uncertainty? Start by looking for joy in the most unexpected places. Look for it when you’re afraid, upset, discouraged, or sad. And recall the times when you were surprised by joy. The more you do this, the less you’ll fear the uncertain because you’ll know that joy is always within reach.

    4. Live with purpose and meaning.

    Why do you do what you do? Is it to please others or because you find meaning in it?

    Because we push death to the fringes as a society, we are often out of touch with our own mortality. With each passing second, we grow ever closer to the day we will die. We put off our own dreams and desires to some unknown future date that may never come.

    Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse, recorded the top five regrets of the dying. At the top of the list was this regret:

    “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

    The death of my friend prompted me to think: What would be my number one regret if I were dying today? Would I have the above regret? Would you?

    If you’re struggling to create meaning in your life, start by thinking about the kind of person you want to be. Finding meaning is more about being than doing. The latter helps, but your being follows you, regardless of what you are doing.

    5. Be generous with your love.

    During their funerals, we always talk about how much these people affected us during life. Why can’t we tell them when they are alive?

    I often think back to the last day I saw my friend. What would I have done or said differently had I known I would never see him again? A part of me felt unresolved. I wished I had a chance to simply offer a few words of appreciation.

    When we lose someone, we’ll frequently have unresolved feelings—regrets about the unsaid, the harsh words we wish we could take back, or the things we wished we could have done to ease their pain.

    But don’t let this stop you from telling the important people in your life how much you love them. Small acts of kindness and selfless giving are also essential ways of expressing love.

    Visible and concrete expressions of love will be a soothing balm when faced with loss.

    Wake Up To Your Life

    Let’s be honest. The vast majority of us are driving on the freeway of life. We’ve fallen asleep behind the wheel, lulled by the seemingly endless highway that stretches in a straight line to the horizon.

    No matter how long the highway may seem from where we are, it will eventually come to an end. Don’t wait until the end to wake up to your life.

    Roll down the windows, get off the highway, and take the unbeaten path.

    Be present to the gift of your life in this very moment.

    Be courageous by being true to yourself.

    And be grateful for the ways death teaches us to live.

    Man in a cave image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Questions to Ask Yourself to Create a Truly Rich and Meaningful Life

    4 Questions to Ask Yourself to Create a Truly Rich and Meaningful Life

    “Don’t miss all the beautiful colors of the rainbow looking for that pot of gold.” ~Unknown

    It’s frustrating, isn’t it?

    Stumbling through life without a clear sense of direction. Wondering day after day if it’s ever going to get better.

    After all, perpetual joy and a meaningful life are only for the rich and famous. The idea of fulfilment seems so far-fetched given the mundaneness of an ordinary day.

    But you know that anything is possible, right?

    Could it be that with a little thought, the day will come when you’ll enjoy the colors of the rainbow, regardless of whether you’ve reached your pot of gold or not?

    In Search of Material Riches

    I come from an underprivileged background. Growing up, the only thing I could think of that would make me happy was to be rich. While I frequently heard the saying, “Money doesn’t make you happy,” I dismissed its true message because I believed I needed stuff to live comfortably.

    So I spent most of my life chasing this fantasy, never actually getting to a point of contentment. In my adulthood, I was no longer destitute, but I was still after that illusion.

    Then, a few years ago I had a classic case of burnout and exhaustion. I didn’t know where I was going any longer, life tasted bland, and the future seemed pointless. All I could do was think about the woman I knew I was deep down, the woman full of hopes and aspirations to make a difference.

    I was desperate to change my situation.

    So the quest truly began. To repair my broken self, I indulged in self-help books, visited the professionals, and overlaid positive mantras in my brain in the hopes of waking up one morning as a new person.

    But a gaping black hole was still in my soul, waiting to be filled with something more meaningful.

    Getting Struck by Lightning

    After months of searching for the Holy Grail, someone planted an idea in me: “There’s no ‘light-bulb moment.’ The answers are already in front of you, if you choose to see them.”

    I was skeptical at first upon hearing this. “You mean I won’t be hit by this electrifying lightning bolt, changing my life forever?”

    On reflection, this was the enlightening idea that allowed me to move forward.

    I realized that all along I was looking in the wrong direction. I never really stopped to think about what was important to me and how I could use these insights to live a more fulfilling life where every day mattered.

    The truth is, we spend so much time following false riches and focusing on hollow goals that we often lose touch with what is right in front of us.

    However, there is a way to edge closer to your truth: to live a truly rich and meaningful life, you need to unearth your deepest values and desires.

    And to do that, I discovered that by asking the right questions, you can see through the mist casting shadows on your thinking and clarity.

    Questions are effective because they jolt your brain into a different level of reflection, digging to the root of your values (unlike wondering why you’re blocked, which only confirms you are indeed in a lost place).

    So, with the help of the following four questions, I began to uncover the hidden treasures that I neglected for so long in all areas of my life.

    I invite you to ask yourself these questions too, and note the immediate answers that surface.

     1. What kind of qualities does your superhero self have when relating to others?

    Imagine your internal fears magically disappear; how would you behave differently with others?

    This question clarifies the sorts of relationships you want to be forming with others. It’s not about how you’d like to be treated, but rather the way your ideal self would behave when connecting with others.

    Also think about what your superhero does when pushed to the limit. Does he or she stand by and let others dominate, or have the courage to say, “No, I’m not having this”?

    When I asked myself this question, integrity, self-respect, and honesty featured on top of my list of important qualities to have. Since then, I’ve successfully confronted people when I’ve found their behavior unacceptable toward me instead of keeping my sorrows inside.

    Remember, often you can’t run away from people you don’t like, but you can choose to respond to them differently, either by interpreting situations in an empowering way internally or by saying your peace out loud.

    2. What type of activities could you channel your energies toward that would satisfy you deep down?

    Imagine you’re receiving an award for your life’s work. How would they describe your achievements when you’re called to make your acceptance speech?

    This exercise is not meant to find your passion or your calling. It’s designed to shed light on the values that are dear to you, and it can be used in any workplace to inject enthusiasm into whatever you do.

    When I connected with my deeper values of being helpful, considerate, and compassionate, it was a game changer. I used these rediscovered qualities to give my full attention to those who needed it instead of focusing on trying to fit in a work environment that didn’t suit my personality.

    You may not be doing what you’d ideally like to right now, but you can turn even a stop gap activity into a source of valuable life enhancing experience.

    3. What do you spend too much time worrying about?

    Imagine you’re looking back on your life as an elderly person. What advice would your older self give to your younger self?

    None of us like to imagine ourselves as a bitter eighty-year-old full of regret. Every time I ask this question to myself, worries suddenly reorder themselves, and solutions appear instead of endless anxiety.

    This question particularly clarified for me that I needed to focus on being more open, trusting, and mindful. I’ve become more open to experiences I was afraid of before and more trusting of myself, the future, and others. I also purposefully slowed down and become mindful of the world around me, seeing the beauty in the everyday things I would have walked past before.

    Life’s daily trials can seem so insurmountable at times; petty incidents seem enough to want to tear your hair out. But do they really matter in the grand scheme of things? Will it matter even a few months on if someone talked to you the wrong way?

    4. What do you not do enough of?

    Imagine you have all the time in the world. What would your quiet times look like?

    When it comes to winding down, do you give yourself the opportunity to fully restore your energy? Or do you habitually squeeze an extra three to four hours of each day just to keep up with life’s demands?

    Chasing material things and endlessly going after bold goals can spell trouble ahead. Forgetting to pamper yourself now and then not only lets your health down, but also negatively affects your relationships.

    My new priorities that emerged were creativity, family, and health. I used to long for the day when I’d retire and could immerse myself in painting and drawing. But I discovered how I can add creative imagination to daily life when working on my planner or cooking a meal for instance.

    If this all sounds too alien, or wrong, maybe you have to start by accepting that you and your sanity matter as much as the next person’s. If you really care about living a meaningful life, doing more of what makes you happy will be just the magic pill you need.

    Living by Your Highest Standards

    You know life is only worth living if it’s meaningful.

    Waking up each morning with excitement does not have to be at the bottom of your priorities.

    Clarifying your deepest values and desires will help you make decisions (small or large) and see alternative options.

    You’ll have the power to take a stand when others are crossing your boundaries or asking for too much.

    You’ll realize you don’t need money to fulfill your dreams; you can travel on a budget, help your parents without spending a dime, and do work you enjoy rather than work that merely pays well.

    Finally, once you shift the focus and give yourself permission to live by your values, it’ll be such a motivating element that you’ll never again ask, “What’s the point of it all?”

  • Changing Your Trajectory to Live a Life of Purpose

    Changing Your Trajectory to Live a Life of Purpose

    Live on Purpose

    “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings

    For a long time, I felt disconnected from my life. I’d spent most of it on autopilot, either regretting the past or dreaming about the future.

    I regretted being too afraid to read an essay at the monthly open mic near me for all those years. I thought a lot about writing without actually writing.

    I dreamed about a future me, totally transformed with much better hair, eagerly writing at a sunny cafe, the words flowing through my fingers easily, flawlessly.

    My approach to finding purpose in my career has been to pause, pay attention, and appreciate the journey. It’s subtle, like changing the trajectory of a rocket—a small adjustment or a few shifts make an enormous difference in the end result.

    Pause.

    My dad used to urge me to find my “calling” and offer my gifts to the world. This always intimidated me. What was my calling?

    To answer such a question, you have to relax and give yourself space, even if it’s just a breath. Before you decide to drop everything and make a drastic career move, pause.

    Take time to explore what makes you tick. What activities motivate you and give you moments of flow? What tasks drain you? Cut through the layers of caked on assumptions like: “I can’t consider taking a pay cut” or “A lateral move means I have failed.” Start your journey by stopping and letting go.

    For me, I’ve always both known I loved writing and that I would obviously never be qualified enough to do it professionally.

    I have been journaling since kindergarten, writing for as long as I’ve been able to. I have simultaneously been telling myself that under no circumstances should I dare to think of being an actual writer. I’m not smart enough or well-read enough or disciplined enough to make such a claim. A nice side trick, sure, but not something I could ever pursue professionally.

    Pay attention.

    Once the dust settles, you can start building self-awareness. It’s hard to find our purpose because we don’t really know ourselves. We don’t know what we genuinely like to do or why we do what we do. We never question what influences us.

    We end up in a career because our parents approved of it, because we thought it would be safe or because it was easy enough.

    There are many ways to develop self-awareness. Along with meditation, I recommend checking out a variety of online tools, including Imperative’s Purpose Pattern. Also, consider taking a look at StrengthsFinder, The Artist’s Way, The Enneagram Institute or Myers Briggs.

    If you are immediately turned off at the thought of self-reflection exercises, just notice that and be curious about it. Resistance is a powerful teacher when we pay attention.

    For me, I just started to notice that little naysayer voice. At first, I just heard it louder and louder. You are so not a writer. Nope, not a writer. Don’t even think that you ever could be.

    Eventually, I noticed how repetitive and boring it was. You are so not a writer. Nope, not a writer. Ugh—you again?! Don’t believe everything that you think.

    My friend sent me a job description for a “Communications Specialist.” I immediately laughed at her email. “I’m not qualified for that!” You are so not a writer. Nope, not a writer.

    A few hours later, after recognizing this stale voice as the same one that had been annoying me for years, I applied anyway

    Appreciate the journey.

    Humans are much bigger than cubicle walls and far more expansive than the margins of resumes.

    School, unfortunately, tends to instill a “ladder climbing” mentality—get good grades to get a good GPA to get a good job.

    What were you taught a “successful” career looks like? High pay? Stability? Title? If we are constantly focused on getting enough points to get to the next level, we will miss out on everything.

    I knew early on I wanted to work in the nonprofit sector as, what I assumed would be, a clear path to “make a difference” and “do good.” Of course, I immediately realized how fraught all those rosy intentions were, and how messy this business of “making things better” is.

    Like me, you may still get trapped worrying about if you’re “making a difference” in an appropriately prestigious enough way. You may still get trapped longing for stability and a sense that you are important in some way.

    Some research shows people are happier when they are present with their current experience, no matter what it is.

    Appreciate the mental grappling you’re doing, appreciate the uncertainty you feel, appreciate the questions you have. It all means you are alive and growing! Try to have compassion for those grappling with these questions too. He or she may be sitting in the cubicle next door.

    For my dad, it was always critical that I figure out what gifts I had to offer the world and offer them. Your gifts do not belong to you; you have to share them with the world.

    What he didn’t tell me is how much vulnerability and courage you need to actually do this. First, to acknowledge that yes, you have something unique to offer! (Terribly inconvenient.) Second, to actually offer it for people to accept or reject. (Terrifying.)

    While this idea of sharing my gifts was terrifying, it has also become the central theme of my career. I’ve now worked at several nonprofits helping people do just this by volunteering their talents to give back. And what an incredible way to give back!

    To me, volunteerism is one of the most underestimated resources we have. It seems quaint and suspiciously simple when, in fact, it’s revolutionary. Generosity sets things in motion. It creates a path where one wasn’t possible before. Unlike money, it doesn’t get used up—it renews itself. Magic. I guess this was what my dad was trying to tell me all along.

    Finding your purpose is most likely not going to be a “lightning strikes” moment. My experience has been much more nuanced, not linear and more red-ruby-slipper-like.

    Deep down, you already know what drives you; you just need to let it surface. (Hint: it might be the thing you are avoiding or too afraid to consider.) Nevertheless, the answer is waiting for you. Are you ready to find it?

    Live on purpose image via Shutterstock