Tiny Buddha

Tag: matter

  • On Those Hard Days When You Feel Like Nothing You Do Matters

    On Those Hard Days When You Feel Like Nothing You Do Matters

    “Just a reminder in case your mind is playing tricks on you today: You matter. You’re important. You’re loved. Your presence on this earth makes a difference whether you see it or not.” ~Unknown

    Today I woke up feeling like nothing I do matters. I didn’t want to wake up feeling like this, but I did.

    I got myself out of bed, brushed my teeth, and went through the motions until things inside my mind started to feel unbearable.

    The first thing I did was try to reason with myself, tell myself that, of course I matter. I tell everyone else in my life that they matter and they’re enough just as they are. But there is a tiny voice in my mind that feels loud. Just chanting, “You know you’re trash, people are lying to you. You know you do terrible things and have hurt other people. Just give up.”

    It reminds me of every mistake I’ve ever made. It attacks me with memories of my hurting someone with how I worded something or reminds me of someone who blocked me on social media, or just said, “I don’t like her because of xyz.”

    This feels immobilizing. By the time I am done with this thought process I cannot leave the living room chair I am sitting in. I pull a blanket up to my chin, curl up into a small ball, and start crying. “You’re right,” I say to myself. “You win. I should just give up.”

    My mind is spiraling with everything I have ever done that went unnoticed, that no one cared about. The essays I wrote that only a few people read. The points I made that were later recycled and went on to be successful once someone else made those same points that didn’t seem to matter when they came from me. And I have the overwhelming feeling that I deserved the bad reception, because I, too, am bad.

    Never mind that there are dozens of things that I’ve done that were greatly appreciated. That made a difference. That moved someone else enough to say, “This helped me.”

    Never mind that sometimes we can’t control algorithms, SEO, and the like.

    Never mind that sometimes you make a stupid spelling mistake even though you re-read your piece fourteen times. You just didn’t notice it, but people were turned off from the piece because of it.

    That’s the thing, being a mental health advocate, I feel like my whole purpose on some days as I struggle to get by is to hear someone say, “This helped me.” And if I helped no one, then why did I do it?

    But while I was busy worrying about who I have helped and if my helping got noticed, I may have forgotten to help myself.

    All the clichés, the putting on my own oxygen mask first, filling my own cup to fill others, they are reminders that I need on a daily basis, or I risk becoming my own victim.

    And honestly, to me, there is nothing worse than someone who is helping other people just to be a martyr. They continue toiling to help others but neglect themselves so that they can say, “I almost died doing things for other people.”

    Who are you useful to once dead, or even just burned out? The fight for mental health awareness and to end the stigma is long arduous. And if my goal really is to help others, to be there for the long haul, then I must find a reason to also do it for myself.

    That mean voice feels so loud, but suddenly an argument erupts in my mind.

    The other side finally feels empowered to speak because I kept pushing, although mentally exhausted, against the part of me that was convinced I deserve nothing. I told the quieter voice that it was okay if I messed up. That this doesn’t negate everything I have done that has helped someone, and yes, even if that was just one person. Even if it just helped me to get it out there into the universe.

    And really, the main thing is this: Everything we do doesn’t have to matter on a grand scale. It doesn’t have to leave others speechless. It doesn’t have to change the world. Just doing it is something to be proud of.

    Suddenly I feel a small sense of ease. I am tired from arguing with myself. I am tense from sitting in a tight ball with my jaw clenched this whole time. I unravel myself. I release my jaw. I inhale deeply and release more tension as I exhale. I choose to open up my laptop and write about what went on in my mind just now.

    If you’ve ever felt this way, like nothing you do matters and it’s never good enough—like you have to do more or be more so people will notice that you matter and you’re good enough—here’s what I’d like you to know:

    You are allowed to simply live. You are allowed to just be you. You are allowed to just exist and for that to be enough. You are allowed to be content with just breathing on some days. And you are allowed to be proud of yourself for wanting to help others, even if on some days it seems you’ve helped no one but yourself. It’s enough. You’re enough.

  • 6 Things to Remember When You Think You Don’t Matter

    6 Things to Remember When You Think You Don’t Matter

    In a world with billions of people, in a culture that promotes being special and making a big mark, it’s easy to feel like you don’t matter.

    Maybe you’ve felt it all your life—like you have no purpose, no value, and nothing to contribute to anyone around you.

    Maybe you feel it off and on, when you’re struggling to find love or direction and think you need to somehow prove your worth.

    Or maybe you know that your life has value, but every now and then, when your head hits your pillow, you wonder if in the end, it will matter that you lived at all.

    I know what it’s like to question your worth. I grew up feeling inferior and unsure of myself, and felt lost and insignificant for many years after that. As an insecure introvert with high anxiety and low self-esteem, I simultaneously wanted to belong and hoped to find a way to stand out. So I could feel important. Valuable. Worth knowing, worth loving, worth remembering when I’m gone.

    I’m also naturally a deep thinker, which means I’ve often questioned my place in the world and the meaning of life itself.

    If you can relate to any of what I’ve wrote, I hope you’ll find some comfort in knowing…

    1. You are not alone.

    We all struggle with the question of why we’re here, if we have a purpose, and if our lives will really matter in the grand scheme of things. Google “existential crisis” and you’ll find over 4.5 million results. Search for “I don’t matter” and that number shoots up to more than 100 mil.

    On days when you feel insignificant it might seem irrelevant that others do too. And it is, if you only know, intellectually, that you’re not alone instead of truly feeling it. I know from personal experience the soul-crushing sense of separation you feel when you stuff your insecurities down and pretend you’re fine when you’re not.

    So open up. Tell someone what you’re feeling. Write in a blog post. And wait to hear “me too.” When you feel the comfort of belonging, remember that you provided that to someone else. And, that, my friend, is you mattering.

    2. Just because you think you don’t matter, that doesn’t mean it’s true.

    Thoughts aren’t facts. They’re fleeting, constantly changing, and influenced by our mood, beliefs, and early programming.

    On days when I’m at my lowest, it’s often because I’m responding to an accumulation of physical and emotional challenges, sometimes without conscious awareness.

    I’m exhausted from insufficient sleep, weakened from dehydration or poor food choices, and/or emotionally triggered by events that hit me right in my core childhood wounds. For example, maybe someone fails to respond to my email—for over a week—and this reinforces the belief I formed when mistreated as a kid: that there’s something wrong with me, and I’m not good enough and unlovable.

    Add all those things up, and I’m primed to glom on to every negative thought that floats through my brain as if it were true. But they’re not. They’re judgments, assumptions, conclusions, and interpretations, all held in place by the glue of my current mood and limited perception.

    The same is true for you. You might think you don’t matter today, and perhaps you did yesterday, and the many days before that too. But that thought doesn’t accurately reflect your reality; it merely represents your perspective in those moments. A perspective shaped by many things, some deep below the surface.

    3. When other people treat you like you don’t matter, it’s about them, not you.

    Speaking of core childhood wounds, many times when we think we don’t matter it’s partly because other people have treated us like we don’t—and possibly from the day we were born.

    If you were abused, neglected, abandoned, or oppressed, as a kid or in an adult relationship, it’s easy to conclude you somehow deserved it. But you didn’t, and you don’t. No one does.

    They didn’t treat you poorly because you are you. They did it because they are them. They didn’t treat you like you didn’t matter because you have no value. They did it because they were too caught up in their own pain and patterns to recognize and honor your intrinsic worth.

    Unfortunately, the beliefs formed through abuse are insidious because they impact not only our self-worth but our sense of identity. And it can be difficult to untangle the many intertwined threads of who we believe we are, and why. But even if you’ve just started on the long road to healing, sometimes it’s enough just to recognize you formed a negative belief based on how you were treated—and you can, in time, let it go.

    4. You don’t have to do big things to matter.

    It’s easy to feel like your life doesn’t matter if you aren’t doing something big—if you’re not saving the world, or running an empire, or traveling the globe with the hashtagged pics to prove it.

    But meaning doesn’t have to come only from accomplishments—and sometimes the most traditionally successful people are actually the most unfulfilled. If you’re too busy to enjoy the money you’ve earned, does it really have any value? If you have more followers than true friends, can you ever really feel loved?

    Big things feed the ego, there’s no doubt about it, and yes, they make an impact. But when you reflect on the people who’ve mattered most to you personally, is it a CEO you visualize? Or a celebrity? Or a medalist? I’m guessing it might be a teacher, or a grandparent, or even someone who entered your life only briefly yet had a profound influence on the path you took simply because they listened and truly cared.

    Not everyone can be someone everyone knows, but everyone can be someone who someone else loves.

    5. You’ve made a difference to far more people than you likely realize.

    Since we’re in the thick of the holiday season, it seems appropriate to cite one of my favorite movies, the classic It’s a Wonderful Life. Cliché, I know, but fitting, nonetheless.

    When George Bailey was standing on a bridge in a whirlwind of snow, with a bottle of booze and a brain full of regrets, he had no idea just how many people he’d impacted over the years through tiny acts of love and kindness.

    He saw his life as a montage of failures and missed opportunities, when, to others, he was the light that led them home on a dark, scary night. And he may never have known it if life hadn’t provided a compelling reason for people to rally around with support.

    Let’s face it, life is often hard for most of us. We’re all healing our own wounds, dealing with our own day-to-day struggles, caught up in a web of our own dramas. And we all have a negativity bias, which means most of us spend more time scanning our environment for potential threats than recognizing and appreciating our blessings.

    You are someone’s blessing, and probably have been many times over. You’ve said the right thing at just the right time, without even realizing they needed to hear it. You’ve offered a smile when someone else felt lonely, without realizing you eased their pain. You’ve been someone’s friend, their resource, their champion, their safe space, their inspiration, and their hope. To you, it was just a text, but it helped them hold it together. To you, it was just a hug, but it kept them from falling apart.

    As someone once said (but I’m not sure who), “Never think you don’t have an impact. Your fingerprints can’t be wiped away from the little marks of kindness that you’ve left behind.”

    6. You matter to people you haven’t met yet (or who weren’t even born yet).

    It’s easy to feel like you don’t matter if you don’t have people in your life who reflect your worth—friends, family, a significant other; anyone who values you and shows, through their words and actions, that they want and need you in their life.

    But just because you don’t feel important to anyone right now, that doesn’t mean you never will. There are people you’ve yet to meet whose life highlight reel will get better in the middle or at the end because that’s when you came in. There are friends you’ve yet to make who will finally feel like they have family because you’ve filled a hole no one else could fill. And maybe one day a pair of tiny arms will squeeze you tight and remind you that you matter more to them than anyone else ever could.

    The story of your life is only partially written, and there are leading roles yet to be cast. If your current scene feels lonely or empty, remember that every great story brings a protagonist to the lowest low before catapulting them to the highest heights.

    —

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years of running this site, it’s that beliefs precede actions, which then confirm beliefs. If you believe you don’t matter, you likely won’t do anything that could matter, and then you’re all the more likely to feel unimportant and alone.

    But if you hold onto any of what I wrote above, you’ll be far more likely to do something with your life—or even just with your day—that could make a difference for the people around you.

    Maybe you’ll offer someone an ear or a hand or a piece of your heart or create something that helps or heals.

    And in that moment when you see your impact, you’ll realize what it truly means to matter: to know your value and create a little more love and light in the world by giving it away as often as you can.

  • Make Today Matter: 24 People. 24 Days. 24 Communities.

    Make Today Matter: 24 People. 24 Days. 24 Communities.

    What would you do if you had one day and $30,000 to make a difference in your community? TD Bank gave these twenty-four people an opportunity to do just that, and the results are beyond inspiring.

  • Let the Energy of Unhappiness Power Your Purpose

    Let the Energy of Unhappiness Power Your Purpose

    Energy

    “The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” ~Ralph Blum

    The summer of 2007 was simply terrible. I wish I could find something positive to say about it but there really was nothing that I can think of. I was underemployed, the economy was tanking, and I was in a shame spiral of depression and self-hatred.

    Following a fight with my husband, I found myself driving aimlessly, snot and tears running down my face. I’m not comfortable saying I was on a mission to stop living, but the thought had definitely crossed my mind.

    It was just a bank advertisement that caught my eye as I drove, but seeing the billboard took my breath away. “YOU MATTER.” The image of those huge letters is burned into my mind.

    I wish I could say that billboard changed my life in a big way. It didn’t. But what it did do was change my life in a subtle way. The four years that followed that day in 2007 were similarly difficult. I was depressed, borderline alcoholic, and more deeply unhappy than I thought possible.

    But somewhere in the back of my mind was the image of those letters: “YOU MATTER.”

    By the fall of 2011 I hit my low point and I sought conventional counseling. I can attest that it was one of the best decisions I ever made. But there was a secondary emotional and spiritual journey that made an equally important impact on the quality of my life.

    That journey started with the image of the billboard coming back to me in moments of quiet. At first, I couldn’t help asking “Do I really matter?” whenever I thought of those words.

    Slowly, but surely, the answer became “Yes, I do matter!” Eventually it was not only “I MATTER!” but also “Maybe I have a purpose!”

    Professional help is so incredibly beneficial. But the truth is, it lifts a veil that reveals unexpected “stuff” to deal with. There were times when this felt like a vicious cycle to me.

    In other words, depression and anxiety… seek professional help… uncover some inner junk… inner junk causes unhappiness and despair… circle back to depression and anxiety.

    So, what can you do about that vicious cycle? What’s the point of having a purpose when you’re caught in a whirlwind of your own issues? The best way to describe the solution I found was to snag the energy from that cycle and harness its power for better things.

    The thing is, unhappiness and despair take energy. In fact any emotion takes energy, but unhappiness often feels like hard physical labor. Would you rather wear yourself out on something unproductive, or use your energy to do something productive?

    In order to harness the energy of your unhappiness and despair, remember that the energy isn’t a bad thing. It just is.

    If you subscribe to the theory that the whole universe consists of energy that is neither good nor bad, it’s easier to imagine a shift in more productive use of your energy.

    Think of emotional energy like an electrical wire. If a live wire is broken and lying in the street it is useless at best, and quite dangerous at worst. But when it is properly connected it provides us with power to make our lives easier.

    My spiritual and emotional journey led me to wonder if I could unhook the metaphorical power line feeding my unhappiness and install it somewhere else. What if I fed that energy into something productive? Something with a purpose?

    Connecting your energy to a purpose can take many forms. Throughout my own emotional and spiritual healing, I focused on hobbies. I learned that knitting can be incredibly meditative. I also improved my yoga practice.

    Carrying for a loved one or a pet, tackling a challenging project (cluttered closets, rejoice!), working for a social/community cause, or learning a new skill are other positive ways of diverting energy away from unhappiness.

    Taking the first step toward using your energy differently can sometimes be a challenge. Finding the motivation to pull yourself away from your own “stuff” to use your energy elsewhere can require some ingenuity.

    It helps to get in the habit of seeking that motivation to invest yourself in something new. In each day there is always at least one opportunity to be inspired. At least one chance to be reminded that you are not alone and that you matter.

    It may be subtle. It may be fleeting. But it is important to seize that moment and use it to leverage the energy you have at your disposal. Once you start looking, it becomes easier and easier to find those moments.

    Today I was feeling a bit melancholy. But I noticed the sky was an exquisite shade of blue and the sun was warm and bright. I was grateful to have witnessed that beauty.

    I held that moment in my mind and used it to channel the energy of my sadness toward a more useful purpose. In this case, it was my writing goals for the day. I felt much better for accomplishing something.

    Look at unhappiness and despair as opportunities. Start by revising your understanding of energy and know that it’s a free agent. Then, look for a beautiful moment in each day to serve as a reminder, and direct your energy toward doing something with purpose.

    Don’t forget to plant that roadside billboard in your mind. YOU MATTER—let it become your reminder!

    Photo by Crysis Rubel