Tiny Buddha

Tag: limiting

  • Why We Close Ourselves Off to Friendships and How to Open Up

    Why We Close Ourselves Off to Friendships and How to Open Up

    “If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become a truth for you.” ~Louise Hay

    Picking the flimsy gold lock on my groovy denim-covered childhood diary, I’m instantly transported back to my ten-year-old life.

    Each page duly describes what I what I ate for dinner that day as well as what my two best friends and I got up to. It was 1976 and we were obsessed with Charlie’s Angels, cruising around “undercover” on our bikes, solving fresh crimes around the neighborhood.

    Every couple of weeks I’d report the latest drama amongst the three of us. Either my two friends had inexplicably turned against me, or one of them had coerced me into siding with them in a never-ending series of turmoil.

    By the time we were teenagers, we’d drifted apart and I’d started struggling to form female friendships that weren’t fraught with gossip or backstabbing

    When I got to university I’d firmly made up my mind that girls weren’t to be trusted and I only wanted guy friends. I made an exception for one girlfriend who felt the same, and we went on to be roommates, priding ourselves on our fun circle of male-only friends.

    It’s fascinating to reflect on how belief systems are formed. The more I told myself this story of females being intrinsically bad news, the more I avoided getting close to any. As I grew into an adult, my theory was again proven as I got sucked into more dramas and gossip.

    Once I got married, my husband became my best friend. He was never jealous of my male friends, and we enjoyed a great social life with other couples. However, after we started a family I found myself navigating fresh female waters: the mothers at the school gates!

    I immediately sensed a minefield of gossip and competitiveness. It would have been easier to drop my kids off and go, but I had their social lives to think about too.

    Thankfully, I got back into journaling around this time, and I used it as a way to get to know myself better. I explored my struggles on paper and tapped into my wiser, all-knowing self to discover that, for me, the secret to having great female friendships was to see special ones individually, never forming a group.

    I turned down all invitations for ‘Girls Nights Out’ or weekends away, as that dynamic wasn’t appealing. I now had a small handful of genuinely lovely girlfriends whose company I cherished and who shared my values of trust and openness. I made a point of seeing them one-to-one and never introduced them to each other, treasuring our meaningful conversations.

    One day I heard about a series of life coaching workshops and felt immediately drawn to sign up. I invited a dear friend to join me, but she couldn’t make it, so I invited another special friend who eagerly accepted. How fun to have a once-a-week date together to focus on our lives. But then something ‘terrible’ happened. The first friend I’d invited called back and said she’d rearranged her schedule and was excited to now be able to join me after all!

    This sent my head into a spin. I decided my only choice was go with them both.

    Although we all lived on the same street, I’d deliberately never introduced them to each other because of my flashbacks to the three-way friendship dramas of my childhood. “One-to-one friendships only” had become my rule.

    Together in the car on our way to the first workshop, I endured small talk and introductions, rather than delving into meaningful subjects as I normally did with each of them. But by the time we left the workshop venue, we were all riding on a high of inspiration, so we headed straight to a restaurant to download our insights over lunch.

    We did the same thing again every week and by the time the course ended, we’d agreed to form a monthly meet-up for the ‘soul’ purpose of working on our lives together.

    That was in 2008, and we’ve met every month since.

    Our Power Posse is based on absolute openness and deep mutual trust. Having our monthly check-in to share on how each area of our life is going helps us clarify our intentions and goals. It gives us accountability and motivation to live our best lives.

    We’ve even run retreats together, inviting other women with a growth-mindset to join us. I’d have never imagined this back when I was still telling myself the false story that females aren’t to be trusted.

    In my case, I held myself back with the limiting belief that group dynamics among women were dangerous. Perhaps you hold a different belief that prevents you from forming and maintaining friendships, for example:

    • No one really gets me.
    • I ruin all my relationships.
    • I’m too intense or too sensitive for people.
    • People always disappoint you eventually.
    • You can’t ever really trust anyone with your personal life.
    • I can’t relate to any of these people.
    • Everyone already has all the friends they want at my age.

    We form many of these beliefs out of direct experience from our past. When something painful happens, we draw a conclusion about why it’s happened in an attempt to avoid that same situation in the future. That conclusion feels like a fact, and it then forms a belief that we carry through life. This affects how we think, act, and feel—about ourselves and others.

    Limiting social beliefs are often amplified by a fear of rejection, criticism, ridicule, or betrayal. We proceed with undue caution in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt. This leads to limiting decisions. We cut ourselves off from what’s possible by painting ourselves into a box that feels safe. We miss out on opportunities that would enrich our lives.

    In order to break free from these limitations we need to act against our self-protecting instincts. It’s okay to take baby steps if you need to. Start by setting an intention. What aspects of your social life or a specific friendship make you feel unhappy or disconnected? Which limiting beliefs may be hindering you? What would you need to believe instead to welcome more people into your life?

    For example, “I can’t really trust anyone with my personal life” could turn into, “There are people out there than I can trust—I just haven’t met them yet.” This positive expectation shifts the energy around it. Now you can begin to collect new evidence to back up this belief by opening up more regularly, sharing more authentically, and increasing the likelihood of making a solid connection with someone you can trust.

    Our belief system is powerful, so it’s important to pay attention to when you might be telling yourself a limiting story. The more awareness you bring to your beliefs, the quicker you’ll make the shifts needed to let them go.

    Shedding my own limiting beliefs has opened the door for a multitude of incredible females to come into my life over the past ten years. They’ve shined a light on my own greatness, and we’ve inspired each other to reach even higher for our biggest dreams. The same can happen for you.

    What stories from your past have carried on into your present life? Are you willing to let go of any limiting beliefs that aren’t serving you so you open yourself up to new people and experiences?

  • How to Stop Believing Negative Things About Yourself

    How to Stop Believing Negative Things About Yourself

    “If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become truth for you.” ~Louise Hay

    Have you ever felt like you weren’t living up to your potential? That chasing your ultimate dream is a waste of time because you’ll never accomplish it? You’re certainly not alone. I know the feeling, and quite frankly, it’s awful.

    Recently, I had occasion to visit a cemetery for military members and their families. I saw tombstones over 100 years old. Some of the people lived long lives, while many did not have the privilege of growing old.

    As I walked, I couldn’t help but think of the kind of lives they’d lived. Some saw unimaginable horrors in war that no doubt changed the quality and trajectory of their lives. Were most of these people happy and fulfilled? I didn’t know; tombstones don’t talk.

    The thoughts that kept coming back were: “How many of them went to their grave with regret? How many settled and accepted the labels assigned, without ever finding the satisfaction of breaking free and living life the way they truly wanted?”

    Going to the grave without ever realizing my full potential—that scares me to the bone. It’s something that I have had to fight for most of my life. It’s something that I emphatically refuse to let happen.

    Like most people, I took on the labels that authority figures assigned me at a young age. It’s what kids do.

    As the years go by, those labels, whether true or not, become sewn into the fabric of our being. They become part of our core, the vocabulary we use about ourselves, and the thoughts we hold of ourselves.

    The crime here is that so many times the labels have absolutely no anchor in truth. Rather, they are skewed or twisted interpretations that others have about us, or they are our skewed and twisted interpretations of things said and done to us. Rarely are the negative beliefs we hold about ourselves actually true.

    My nemesis was the belief “I am lazy.” In adulthood, after studying counseling theory for years in college, I finally figured out where it came from. I had always just assumed it was part of who I was.

    It came from my sixth-grade teacher telling my parents, before I moved up to junior high the following year, that I would be placed into remedial classes. I had tremendous potential, she said. But I was lazy and wasn’t performing to my full capability.

    My parents sat me down and broke the news. I was devastated. I knew all of the harsh things that other kids would say. I had heard them said before about others and didn’t like it. But now they would be saying it about me.

    That belief directed the course of my life. I walked through life believing I was lazy and began using that word in my inner vocabulary all because, at the age of eleven, my teacher and parents told me I was lazy.

    I never questioned it; I just accepted it. After all, why would my parents and teacher say it if it wasn’t true? They were supposed to know better than me.

    That is how the negative beliefs we hold about ourselves hold us back from unleashing the greatness within. Kids don’t have the cognitive capacity or life experience to question such things. They take the words of authority figures as truth, just as we are conditioned to do.

    If you’ve done the same, you must know that it doesn’t have to continue. There is a better way, and that way is to identify the negative beliefs that you hold deep down and challenge and reframe them through the lens of wisdom and experience.

    Going back to my example, I challenged that belief in my early thirties.

    What I found is that my teacher and parents did not take into consideration the fact that my mother and biological father went through an extremely violent divorce. He was the criminal leader of a notorious motorcycle gang.

    I didn’t have a stable, comfortable home environment, and academics certainly weren’t at the top of the priority list. My mom did her best, but working two or three jobs makes it difficult to do homework with the kids every day.

    Living in constant fear at such a tender age is not prime for a child’s development. Also, I started kindergarten before I turned five, so I was quite young for school.

    The sum of these circumstances contributed to my early struggles in school. It wasn’t because I was lazy or choosing not to live up to my potential.

    When I looked back through a different lens that only experience and wisdom can provide, I knew neither my parents nor my teacher meant any harm. They simply didn’t know any better, and the teacher never asked about what was happening at home. Putting myself in their shoes made me better understand what happened.

    I took on their words without ever asking myself, “Is it true?” Had I not taken the time to challenge this deep-seated belief, there is not a doubt in my mind that I would be an underperforming, underachieving, underpaid underling today. Changing that belief literally changed my life.

    The only thing stopping you from doing the same is you. If you hold negative views about yourself, you are not living life authentically. If you let the words of others define who you are, you are setting yourself up for failure. And chances are, you’ll become one of the people who get to the cemetery clutching regret.

    I don’t want that for you. You don’t want that for you. Make some time today to take back your authentic self by taking these four steps to eliminate any negative core beliefs you hold.

    1. Write down or say out loud the belief (preferably both).

    2. Think back to the earliest time you can remember having that belief.

    What happened that made you feel that way? Did someone say something that hurt your feelings? Put yourself in that moment again and hear their words, see their actions, and feel whatever comes up. Don’t push it aside. Stay there for a few minutes.

    3. After you’ve replayed it in your mind, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and reframe it.

    What was going on with them? Were they frustrated, stressed, or angry? This is important because it could signal that something was said in a moment when the person was lashing out and did not mean to harm. It could also reveal that you took something out of context.

    4. Challenge the belief.

    Write down the unequivocal proof that the person was right. Note—this must be unequivocal proof. Not opinion, emotion, or pity.

    If there is no proof, the belief is false and should be discarded. You will feel lighter after releasing it. If there is proof, you now have a rock-solid foundation from which to start changing.

    Changing behavior need not be intimidating. It requires that you be mindful when making decisions. You’ll want to make decisions that will get you to where you want to go in life. I ask myself a single game-changing question in everything I do: “Is this in alignment with my authentic purpose?” If it isn’t, I choose instead to do something that is.

    When you do that consistently, you’ll change both the behavior and the negative belief.

    You’ll gain confidence and momentum, and you’ll start achieving things that once seemed out of reach.

    Most importantly, you’ll realize that others’ words don’t define you. The words you use about yourself and the actions you take do.

  • How to Let Go of the Limiting Stories That Keep You Stuck and Unhappy

    How to Let Go of the Limiting Stories That Keep You Stuck and Unhappy

    “It’s not what you look at that matters; it’s what you see.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    We don’t see with our physical eyes, we see with our minds. I learned this lesson the hard way when I turned fifty-five. Suddenly, new wrinkles, deeper crow’s feet, dry eyes, and dryer skin seem to enjoy welcoming me each morning when I looked in my mirror.

    I began to notice other people my age and I would automatically compare my appearance to theirs. Was she younger looking than me? Did she still appear under fifty (even when I knew she wasn’t)?

    As you might guess, the negative train of doubt, comparison, and judgment did not fill me with joy. Instead, a looming sense of dread began to permeate through my life, dragging me into the abyss of aging despair. Hope became a lost memory, and the inevitability of growing older my reality.

    My age stories became a lens through which I saw my life.

    My mirror was my worst enemy. The more anti-aging skin care products I bought, the less I liked myself. It soon became a self-fulling prophecy—I thought I looked old, so I started acting older.

    It wasn’t until after I meditated that I realized the trap I had fallen into—telling myself limiting stories when I had the same ability to tell myself something positive and empowering. I learned to shine my awareness on the negative beliefs and use a simple process to reframe them.

    Story Alchemy™ to the Rescue

    The word “alchemy” has earned a bad reputation over the centuries. Magic and witchcraft are associated with it, as well as charlatans and sorcerers. But alchemy is really about transformation.

    Instead of changing lead into gold, Story Alchemy guides you through a simple four-step process to transform your limiting stories from negative to empowering.

    The four steps are:

    1. Realize.

    You have to first realize that you created your story. No one else—just you. When you accept this fact, it returns your power to change your story.

    2. Responsibility.

    Once you acknowledge that you created your story, you understand that you have the responsibility to change it. If your story keeps you playing small, then it’s time to decide to tell a different version.

    3. Reframe.

    This is the fun part! Reframing requires looking at the situation or person and seeing another side that you did not acknowledge before now. Every situation can be reframed into a positive version. If nothing else, that fact that you survived to tell the story is cause enough to celebrate.

    4. Release.

    The last step requires forgiveness of yourself for creating the limiting story. Being kind and compassionate to yourself releases you to tell your new story. The old one has served its purpose, now it is time to let it go and replace it with the new, empowering version.

    How did I use Story Alchemy to see past the physical evidence of growing older? I realized that I had accepted society’s definition of age, and I set about creating a new definition.

    Now when you ask me how old I am, I will always respond (with a twinkle in my eye) that “I am as old as I think I am. Today, I think I am in the mid-forties.”

    The person usually laughs and nods her head, acknowledging my joie-de-vivre if not my humor.

    My declaration of age in terms of how I feel makes me happy, because tomorrow, I can decide again how old I feel. My self-image and value is not tied to a number that I can’t control, which is quite a liberating concept.

    As I began telling my new story about my age, I noticed something peculiar. Whenever I passed by a mirror, I deliberately stopped and took a moment to look deep into my own eyes. A spark of divine light was always waiting for me to acknowledge it.

    Knowing that I am the embodiment of such loving energy always puts a spring in my step and a smile on my lips. I know that I am not just my body or my age, but part of something so much bigger than myself.

    Of course, age is only one topic that is ripe for limiting stories. There are so many more—money, relationships, career…the list could easily expand beyond the word count for this article. The point is to start becoming aware of your limiting stories and make a conscious decision to pivot and tell a more empowering version.

    For example, if you are struggling in a relationship or have a history of “failed” relationships, why not take some time to discover the thread that runs through your past? It is helpful to pretend that you are an “explorer” and you want to discover the buried treasure in your past. Some questions you might ask yourself are:

    • What did the other person claim was the reason?
    • What limiting story do you carry with you about that relationship?

    As you dig deeper into the rich soil of your past, you will discover some artifacts of insight. Make a chart and write down what you discover about each relationship. A pattern may begin to emerge that will lead you to a common story you told yourself that led you to act in a way that impacted the health of the relationship.

    Remember, the stories you tell yourself filter your reality. If you believe that you are incapable of forming new relationships because you are too sensitive, then you will be. If you are convinced that you are too old to learn a new career, you will remain stuck. If you always feel constricted around the topic of money, then its energy will never flow the way it is supposed to.

    After you alchemize your limiting stories, you will see the light instead of the dark. Your sensitivity in relationships actually makes you a better listener and friend. Your work experience is valuable, especially when you are confronted with conflict because you have a deeper understanding of people and their motivations. Money is seen as just an exchange of value, instead of a definition of your value.

    When you begin using your new, empowering story, observe the changes that naturally result in your relationships. Because you have changed your internal dialogue, your external actions will also shift.

    You may also discover small bits of your authenticity that you had forgotten. You may find that you laugh more often and you give yourself permission to be playful or silly. As you peel away the layers of limiting stories, your vision will clear and you will see yourself and your world from a new perspective.

    The end result is that your mind and eyes will begin to see the same things. No longer in conflict, you will notice random moments of happiness and joy bursting into your awareness. Be forewarned: spontaneous dancing may also occur!

  • Why You May Feel Crushed by Criticism (And What to Do About It)

    Why You May Feel Crushed by Criticism (And What to Do About It)

    “If you keep your feathers well oiled the water of criticism will run off as from a duck’s back.” ~Ellen Swallow Richards

    We all seek love, approval, and appreciation, don’t we? We sometimes obsess over what people think of us. When we receive feedback that seems less than favorable, we speculate for days about what it might mean.

    Usually we attach the wrong meaning to it, and this drains our energy and might even cause us to withdraw and quit what we are doing.

    Is there a way to avoid this? How can we keep our feathers well oiled?

    Here is what happened to me and what I learned from it.

    I was working in HR in a big institution with more than 7,000 employees and hundreds of different departments. I was asked by my hierarchy to coordinate with several departments to accommodate the varied needs of colleagues with disabilities, as it required special workplace adaptation and much more.

    With more than ten different departments involved in the project, there was a clear need for coordination, but not a clear mandate in my job description. But it didn’t seem to be a problem, and the departments involved were happy that somebody took the role.

    Until one evening, after work, I opened my inbox and there it was, an email from a colleague, sent out to the entire mailing list of colleagues and departments involved in the project.

    It was the head of one of the departments telling me that with the coordination work I’d done, I’d cause problems for him (without providing further specification). He instructed me to stop, and in an ironic tone he wrote that my talents and help would surely be better used in other projects.

    I responded immediately, “Sorry. Okay, then I will not do the coordination.” I felt crushed, small, and incredibly hurt.

    But was it really the criticism that stopped me?

    Probably not, since there were three other supportive emails sent out to the entire list, from people working on the project, who happened to be high in the hierarchy.

    When I looked inside myself, some months after the incident happened, I discovered that it wasn’t the criticism but my own interpretation of it that stopped me.

    The criticism was feeding my own limiting beliefs.

    How often do we receive criticism and it doesn’t touch us, sometimes we don’t even notice it? When there are no self-beliefs for the insult to hook into, it rolls off like a raindrop on our raincoat. But when deep down we hold limiting beliefs, the criticism arouses them.

    “Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

    If we do something we will be criticized, and we cannot do anything about it.

    Thinking “he shouldn’t criticize me” will stop the other person. It is hopeless. All it does is it harms us.

    Instead of blaming the one who is criticizing us, it is better to focus on the one person we do have control over: ourselves.

    Look inside, discover the beliefs that caused the criticism to stick, and begin to undo them. So the next time when we receive similar criticism it rolls right off, like the raindrop on our raincoat.

    Not sure how to discover your own limiting beliefs? Here’s how:

    Finish the following statement: “Someone has criticized me, and that means…”

    What came up for me was: “I am inadequate; I do not fit in; I am not fit for the institutional power games.”

    I was quite surprised to be confronted with these limiting beliefs.

    What is it for you? What beliefs did you discover?

    The next step is to question those thoughts with the help of The Work by Byron Katie. It consists of four questions and turnarounds, which are the opposite of the initial thought.

    1. Is it true?
    2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
    3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
    4. Who would you be without the thought?

    Let’s question the thought “I am inadequate.”

    It is important to do this inquiry having a concrete situation in mind. So my situation is: I’m reading the email, which states that I caused problems and it would be better for me to use my talents and help in other projects.

    If you like you can question the belief about yourself that you just discovered. Answer these questions along with me, keeping in mind your situation.

    1. I am inadequate. Is it true?

    Yes.

    2. Can I absolutely know that it is true?

    No.

    Just notice how it feels to express an honest “yes” or a “no” as an answer to these two questions. There are no right or wrong answers here; it’s about discovering what is true for us. And just notice how your mind wanders: “Yes, because…“ or “No, but…“

    3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

    There I am reading the email that states that I caused problems and I would better use my talents and help in other projects. How do I react, what happens when I believe the thought that I am inadequate?

    I make myself small. I hit reply and I answer, “Sorry. Okay, then I will not do the coordination.” I feel crushed and incredibly hurt. I am afraid what others who read that email will say. I picture a catastrophe.

    4. Who would you be without the thought?

    Who would I be without the thought that I am inadequate? What would I do, feel, or say if I could not think the thought that I am inadequate?

    I would be curious what makes my colleague think that I am causing his problems. I would ask him to meet me so that I could understand. I would entertain the possibility that there was just a misunderstanding. I would not disregard the supportive emails I received from others. In fact, I would give much more credit to them. I would be much calmer. I would be genuinely curious about what went wrong without blaming myself.

    The turnaround would be: I am very capable at my job.

    The turnaround opens us up to the possibility that the opposite of our thought feels as true or even truer than the initial one. Examples to the turnaround statement broaden our vision and help us see reality in its complexity.

    So how can that it be true that I am very capable at my job?

    – The three supportive emails I received from colleagues confirm that I am very capable at my job.

    – My work has always been appreciated in the previous years.

    So what was the problem in the first place? The criticism, or my deeply rooted belief that I am inadequate?

    It was the belief, wasn’t it?

    “If you keep your feathers well oiled the water of criticism will run off as from a duck’s back.” ~Ellen Swallow Richards

    The next time you feel hurt by criticism, look for the underlying limiting belief and question it with the help of The Work. This is how we keep our feathers well oiled.

    One day you might even find yourself grateful for criticism and the opportunity it presents to look inside, and better yourself.

    Crushed by criticism image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Limiting Beliefs That Sabotage Your Dreams

    5 Limiting Beliefs That Sabotage Your Dreams

    “Remember your dreams and fight for them.” ~Paulo Coelho

    You have a dream. Something that you’ve wanted for a long time. But that dream continues to elude you.

    You blame circumstances—your daily responsibilities, lack of time, finances—or perhaps your family for holding you back.

    What if none of the above is to blame for your dreams not coming true?

    What if it’s something else?

    Madison Square Garden, New York, 18,000 people 

    Four of us performing. Our band’s name—Oracle. Thousands of fans singing along with us.

    That was my dream. Our dream. And it never happened!

    In the year 2000, we recorded a demo album and sent it to a few of the biggest recording labels.

    But not a single company signed us up.

    I was nineteen, arrogant, and thought the world of our music. Not getting a contract anywhere was the last thing I had expected.

    I could have kept trying to build a career in music. But I was devastated, so I gave up. The band also dispersed, and we went our separate ways.

    I decided to forget about music for the time being, continue my education, and get a job.

    A New Dream

    After beginning to work in the corporate world, I realized that I truly enjoyed working with people. I had always been passionate about psychology, meditation, and learning more about the mind. So I started working on a new dream—to build my own training firm.

    After a long time, I finally had found a career path in something that I was truly passionate about!

    A New Journey

    Things weren’t easy when I quit my job to follow my dreams again. But this time, I was determined not to quit, no matter how much hard work or sacrifices success would entail. I am incredibly lucky to have a wife who has supported me and encouraged me every day.

    Over the years, my perseverance paid off. I am now doing well and growing.

    But here’s the funny thing…

    I now realize that if I had invested the same amount of time and effort toward music as I had done in my company, I could have become a successful musician.

    How do I know this?

    Because the fourth member of our band went on to become a professional musician. He now works in movies with some of the most eminent names in the industry.

    So why did I fail?

    Was it because I didn’t have the talent, the time, or a network of people in the music industry who could support me?

    No. I never lacked any of the above.

    I failed because of my limiting beliefs.

    Our beliefs create our reality.

    Our beliefs create our thoughts. Our thoughts determine what we do—our decisions, our everyday actions, and the way we work toward our dreams.

    Most of the time, the only things holding you back are your limiting beliefs.

    The following are five limiting beliefs that sabotage your dreams.

    Belief 1: It’s too difficult.

    How difficult does your dream seem to you? Do you feel that you don’t have the necessary talent, money, time, education, network, or other resources?

    That’s what I felt like when our demo album got rejected.

    If you feel that your dream is too difficult, just ask yourself: What small steps can I take that will take me closer to my dream?

    If you want to run a marathon, start running for five minutes every day.

    If you want to start your own business, start networking with people in that industry.

    If you want to be a world traveler, look for jobs that will allow you to travel.

    But why do dreams seem so difficult and so distant?

    Usually because of the next belief.

    Belief 2: I have to become successful quickly.

    How quickly do you want your dream to come true? Definitely sooner than ten years, right?

    In the year 2000, I was nineteen years old, and even two years seemed like a lifetime then.

    I lacked the patience to work hard consistently. On the contrary, my friend carried on—learning, singing in other bands, and consistently working toward his dreams.

    It took him thirteen years to get there after our band broke up.

    If that sounds like infinity to you, just ask yourself:

    “Would you rather get there late? Or would you rather not arrive at all?”

    Belief 3: Either I’m famous or I’m a failure.

    I can hear you asking, “Your friend might be working in the music industry, but is he a star? Has he played at Madison Square Garden? Isn’t that what the dream was?”

    No, he isn’t a rock star, but does he really need to be one?

    He’s doing excellent work in one of the most challenging industries on earth, making good money, and most importantly, having a great time.

    Maybe you have a specific dream in mind. Does it mean that you have failed if you have only achieved a fraction of that dream?

    You might never become a New York Times Best Seller or the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Does that mean that any achievements short of those goals is a waste of your time?

    Belief 4: It’s too late for me.

    Do you feel that your time has passed?

    Maybe if you were younger, it might have been possible, but aren’t you too old now?

    I felt the same—when I was nineteen years old!

    In a world where people become stars in their teens or billionaires in their twenties, no wonder we feel that we are too late.

    I have a friend who has won three National Geographic contests and traveled to four continents, photographing polar bears in Alaska as part of his expeditions.

    He did all that after he retired.

    What’s admirable is that he never abandoned his dream of becoming a successful photographer.

    If he can live his dream, why can’t you?

    Belief 5: It’s too risky. I might fail.

    What if you don’t make it? Despite all your efforts, what if your dream remains unfulfilled?

    You might end up damaging your career, losing money, and alienating people.

    You are right; you might fail. But here’s what you must ask yourself: Are you completely happy with your life right now?

    In your twilight years, when you look back, will you regret not trying hard enough?

    But hold on. What about your responsibilities toward your family? Isn’t it selfish to pursue your dreams if you have to neglect them?

    A woman I know who has built a thriving organic food business once told me, “I had to sacrifice a lot to follow my passion. But if I didn’t pursue my own dreams, how would I have proved to my children that they can succeed at their dreams too?”

    Don’t you think that’s a risk worth taking?

    Question Your Limiting Beliefs

    I have been held back by every single one of these limiting beliefs. But I didn’t let them stop me from fulfilling my second dream of building my own firm.

    If you have a dream, you have a duty and responsibility to make it come true—not only to yourself but also to those who love you.

    Examine your thoughts and question your beliefs. Your dreams are closer than you think.

    What small steps will you take today to make your dreams come true?

  • How to Change Your Life by Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself

    How to Change Your Life by Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself

    Jumping Happy Woman

    “Change your thoughts and you change your world.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

    I used to watch people on the streets and in restaurants and think that their boisterous conversations and broad smiles were evidence that they lived a life much better than mine.

    I assumed that they were happier than me, smarter than me, and worth more than me. All around me was evidence that this was true: my meager bank account, my junky car, my thrift store clothes.

    I would sit in my apartment and try to imagine what it would be like to be someone else.

    I wondered what it would be like to be someone who could afford to go to the movies and go out to eat, someone who bought new clothes and shoes, or someone who had a good job. Even imagining this seemed too hard. I felt as if life was stacked against me.

    Have you ever felt like everyone else was doing better than you? Have you ever felt like the deck was so stacked against you that you would never catch up? I understand that feeling. I had it for much of my adult life.

    I was always a dreamer with big ideas and ridiculous plans, but I was unable to make those plans a reality because the story I told myself was that I wasn’t enough. As long as I continued to tell myself that story, I would continue to be not enough.

    The current state of your life is a direct result of the stories you tell yourself, and what you really believe is possible—not what you say is possible, but what you believe deep down in your core.

    My story about not being good enough showed itself in every aspect of my life—my job, my family, my social life.

    Until I was able to open my eyes and change my story, these aspects of my life were not getting better. You receive what you are telling your subconscious mind you deserve. I was telling my mind that I wasn’t good enough and that’s what I saw all around me.

    If you change the limiting stories you tell yourself, you will be able to change your life.

    I realized this one day when I was watching a Tony Robbins video on YouTube. Yes, I’d heard it plenty of times before, but for some reason on that day, at that time, it really clicked. You will learn the lessons you most need when you are ready for them, and I was finally ready.

    Identifying Your Story

    The first step in changing a limiting belief is identifying it.

    Identifying my story about not being good enough was surprisingly difficult for me initially because I told myself that story for so long that I didn’t think of it as a story at all. I thought of it as true and that was, at its heart, quite ridiculous. It took a lot of thought before I even realized that this was the story I was telling myself.

    What limiting story are you telling yourself? Maybe it’s that you’ll never find love or that you’ll never earn over a certain amount of money. Maybe it’s that you are too shy to speak in public or that you are terrible at small talk. Maybe you think you’ll never make a living doing what you love or that you are not smart enough to succeed.

    All of these things are stories. The difference between you and the people doing the thing that you’ve always wanted to do is the stories you tell yourselves. Changing that story is one of the most important steps to changing your life.

    Shifting Your Story

    Now that you’ve identified your story, you have to make a new one for yourself.

    For me, it was simply deciding that I was just as good as anyone else and I deserved just as much as anyone else. It’s a really simple non-specific story, but it countered my previous limiting one. Think about your limiting story. How can you change that story to make it empowering?

    Supporting a New Story

    A new story in itself is not always enough. That story needs to be rooted in something. You have to believe it, and changing your beliefs can be the most difficult thing of all. When I decided to change my story about myself, I looked around at my life for evidence that the new story was true.

    For example, I knew I had friends and family who loved me and certainly thought I was good enough to receive that love.

    When I looked at my life objectively I realized that I’d actually accomplished quite a bit. I’d always done well in school. I’d written quite a large body of work that I enjoyed and liked. I always went out of my way to be kind and helpful to others. These are all things that, in my eyes, made me just as good as anyone else.

    As I started to look at my situation more, I realized that one of my core problems was “the anyone else” part of my story. I was comparing myself to others, and that will lead to unhappiness most of the time.

    Instead of thinking of myself as just as good as anyone else, I started to change my story again to simply say that I am good.

    Can you find evidence around you that can support your new story? Does looking at that evidence make you realize that you need to make any changes to your new story?

    Emotions Are Key

    Supporting your new story with facts will help you believe it, but what really anchors it into your life is associating it with positive emotions.

    I started meditating every morning and every evening for twenty minutes. Once my meditation was over, before I got up, I’d visualize something that is connected to my new story. Because my story was so broad, that visualization could include any number of things.

    I’d imagine myself having relaxed conversations with people at a social event where I was contributing equally to the conversation. I’d imagine myself working at a job that I loved and doing really well at it.

    I’d imagine these things very concretely. I’d really get into the visualization and wouldn’t get up until I felt the joy that these activities would bring me deep inside.

    I am a writer and am prone to imagination, so this was quite easy for me. We all have the capability to imagine, so give it a shot and see what happens.

    Nothing Happens Without Action

    Sitting around visualizing isn’t enough to make change happen in your life. I’m a strong believer in action. That’s where you really start to see the change happen.

    Now that you have a new story about your life, you’ll be able to see opportunities in places you’ve never noticed them before. You’ll also have the courage to try things that you never did before.

    I immediately started challenging myself. I started making a conscious effort to speak up in social situations and to express my opinion. I started asserted my needs more. I was able to see things for a more positive perspective.

    I’m not saying that I am always successful. I most certainly am not. Sometimes I fall back into old habits, but I remember that simply making the effort gets me a step closer to my ideal than I was before.

    Be Kind to Yourself

    The physical circumstances around you won’t change overnight. You won’t change your story to being abundant and then suddenly have millions of dollars in your bank account the next morning. What will happen, though, is that you will recognize the opportunities that will get you there.

    Don’t be angry with yourself or the universe if it doesn’t happen fast enough for you, or if you fail to make the changes you want all once. Taking small steps in the right direction every day will get you were you need to be. It’s important to be consistent.

    Don’t beat yourself up if you fall back into old habits. We are often our biggest critics. Just pick yourself up and start again. It’s the ability to continue moving forward that will get you to your goal.

    Happy woman jumping image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Childhood Mantras That Are Poisoning Your Happiness

    5 Childhood Mantras That Are Poisoning Your Happiness

    Unhappy Little Girl

    “So, like a forgotten fire, a childhood can always flare up again within us.” ~Gaston Bachelard

    I woke up to the sun peeking through the bedroom curtains and I cautiously opened one eye to check if my little brother was still asleep on the other side of our room.

    I was excited about the day. The sun was shining and we were meeting up with some family friends for a picnic in the park later that day. All I cared about was we would be having lots of treats at that picnic and the park we were going to had a giant swing set. This was going to be a good day.

    An hour later, my brother and I were in our parents’ bedroom, with my mom gently explaining that Daddy had left and he wouldn’t be coming back home.

    I was only six. I had thought everything was okay, but it wasn’t. I wasn’t expecting this.

    I felt sucker-punched. I promised myself, “I won’t let my guard down like this again.”

    Fast-forward twenty-five years…

    I stretched out beneath the shade of a huge umbrella, wiggling my toes in the white sand and watching my husband snorkel in the bathtub warmth of the ocean. There was nothing to do but sit and soak in the paradise of a tiny island in Malaysia.

    This was my dream vacation—one that I had waited years for.

    This should have been one of the happiest moments in my life. But I wasn’t happy.

    I remember at one point that day telling my husband that I should have brought my laptop with me so I could do some work while I was at the beach.

    I was genuinely struggling to relax and embrace an experience that could have offered me pure joy. I couldn’t just let go.

    Perhaps something similar has happened to you.

    Let me save you a few hundred dollars in therapy.

    This vacation made me realize that this was only one of many times in my life that I had gleefully anticipated an activity, but when I was actually in the moment I wasn’t able to feel very happy.

    I wish I could tell you that after I recognized this pattern, I immediately began a journey toward emotional wholeness. It wasn’t until years after that vacation, when I was finally brave enough to start digging into things that were holding me back.

    I started to see a therapist regularly, but I have a hunch that you might relate to what I discovered.

    So what did I figure out?

    I should have been paying more attention to what I was telling myself—mantras from my childhood were heavily influencing my adult life.

    I realized the childhood mantras or “tapes” I was playing inside my head had a significant impact on my ability to feel happiness—ones that were formed in my early years and may sound familiar to you.

    Do you recognize any of these mantras that you’ve told yourself for years, therefore diminishing your own potential happiness?

    Mantra #1: I won’t ever do that again.

    Earth-shattering events happen when you are younger. There may have been major traumas or minor events that felt traumatic to your younger self.

    As kids we often react to such events by making a vow or promise to ourselves. We do this to protect ourselves, but as we grow older we don’t stop to re-examine if this vow is helping us or holding us back.

    I wanted to avoid the unexpected pain I felt when I was abandoned as a child, so I had promised myself that I wouldn’t let my guard down again.

    Could a vow to stay guarded at all times affect the ability to feel true happiness? Most definitely.

    Mantra #2: This can’t last.

    Brené Brown identifies a major limitation to our happiness in her chapter about joy and scarcity in The Gifts of Imperfection (a book recommended by my therapist).

    She explains, “We think to ourselves: I’m not going to allow myself to feel this joy because I know it won’t last…I’d rather not be joyful than have to wait for the other shoe to drop.”

    Does this resonate with you?

    Unforeseen trauma when we were younger can create a sense of dread—we start to expect something bad is going to happen, especially in the times we are feeling most happy, or vulnerable.

    Did events from your childhood create a fear that good things happening were an invitation for something bad to happen?

    Mantra #3: It’s not okay to do that.

    Oh, the complexities of the rules within each family!

    Whether spoken outright or implied through reactions to certain behaviors, each family has a code of conduct with a profound influence on us, well into our adult lives.

    Maybe emotional expression was frowned upon in your family? Or perhaps there was an unspoken rule about how you should conduct yourself in stressful situations.

    I can remember the implied rules about money in my family. In the wake of my father leaving, money was tight and I quickly learned to stop asking for any treats. I had determined that it’s not okay to spend money on non-essentials.

    There can be so many facets to the family culture of your early childhood—some good and some not so good. Are there rules from your younger years that restrict your ability to feel happy?

    Mantra #4: This actually means that.

    Assumptions we make as kids, about the way the world works, can deeply influence our thoughts as adults. We become aware that the world does not consist of just ourselves and we start forming a framework of decisions about how life works.

    Is it possible that, back in your childhood, you decided that relaxing meant you were being lazy? Alternately, you may have assumed achievements meant love from your parents, so if you stopped achieving you would lose that affection.

    Can these childhood assumptions inhibit our ability to enjoy the moment? Absolutely.

    Mantra #5: I’m no good at that.

    Neglected dreams or passions that you had as a young child can be an amazing compass toward rediscovering your happiness.

    Is there an activity that you used to love doing as a child that you no longer do? Perhaps due to someone’s criticism, you decided you weren’t good enough to keep doing it?

    I had an embarrassing incident in gymnastics class when I was younger. (Let’s just say that the balance beam won). I refused to go back to class, resulting in an abandoned passion that I didn’t reconnect with until just this year.

    Was there a dream you had that you forced yourself to let go of, in an effort to be more practical or realistic as you grew up?

    These buried passions offer us an opportunity to remember what used to truly bring us joy. It is an invitation to welcome happiness back into your life.

    The Next Brave Step in Banishing Your Childhood Mantras

    I’m guessing that at least one of these mantras jumped out at you. We all have a default “tape” that is worth examining, to understand if it is suppressing our happiness.

    Be brave. Recognize this impulse and decide to make a change.

    Now what?

    It’s actually pretty simple—not easy, but simple.

    You need to start playing a new “tape” inside your head instead of the ones that are diminishing your ability to be joyful.

    I chose to start telling myself that it is okay to let my guard down. This involved literally chanting inside my head that the world would not fall apart if I allowed myself to enjoy the moment.

    I had to constantly reassure myself that even if something bad did happen, bracing myself for it would not make it hurt any less and was actually robbing me of joy.

    It actually didn’t take too long before I started to believe this. Surprisingly, this removed a huge obstacle to giving myself permission to feel happy.

    How to Amplify Your Happiness

    The good news?

    You’ve already taken the first step: pausing to ask what you are actually telling yourself.

    How about some more good news?

    You can choose one thing that you are going to start saying differently to yourself and you will be amazed at how quickly you can change the narration.

    It is tempting to cling to the voices of our past, but wouldn’t it feel amazing to be able to truly embrace your happiness?

    Try out your new script today and congratulate yourself on moving toward a happier life!

    Unhappy little girl image via Shutterstock

  • Are Limiting Beliefs Holding You Back and Making You Feel Bad?

    Are Limiting Beliefs Holding You Back and Making You Feel Bad?

    Held Back

    “If you believe yourself to be limited in some way, whether or not it is true, it becomes true for you.” ~Brian Tracy

    I have often wondered why the most formative years of one’s life, in early childhood, tend to be the hardest for us to recall.

    Most of us cannot even begin to tap into those memories. Those scant memories that do bubble up to the surface are often fog-tinged and dreamlike. Images or sensations may appear, but the linear, day-to-day recollection evades us.

    Perhaps Mother Nature does have a sense of humor, because, oddly enough, it is usually only those traumatic or intense moments of our lives that seem to come up.

    Can I remember winning the sack race when I was six? No. Do I recall my first day of school? I remember in vivid detail walking up to the school gates clutching onto my mother’s legs, panicking that I would never make any friends.

    I have always thought that these types of memories don’t simply vanish into thin air but rather get stored somewhere in our subconscious.

    The problem is that we don’t know the password to access them. The same can be said for things people said to us when we were young children. Those words and life lessons, whether positive or negative, became imprinted on our psyche.

    If you were one of the lucky children that constantly heard “The world is your oyster” or “You can do anything you set your mind to,” you probably carried these beliefs into adulthood.

    The positive reinforcement received from a young age seems to sustain a secure sense of self, which guides these people through their lives. More often than not, they turn out to be successful, because why wouldn’t they?

    (Of course, there are those that receive positive reinforcement from a young age yet somehow morph into self-entitled monsters, but that’s another article.)

    If others tell you, and you believe, that there is nothing stopping you from achieving your dreams, then chances are you will take more risks in life and your life rewards will increase exponentially.

    But what if the opposite were true? What if you were constantly fed a diet of negativity as a child?

    If others regularly told you that “You will never amount to anything” and that “You are worthless,” what kind of foundation do you think that provided? A shaky one, and from shaky foundations come insecurity and a wavering sense of self.

    Sure, some people who have this kind of upbringing find great success in life, but it is often overcompensation for this self-limiting belief that spurs people on to greater heights and bigger lives.

    The drive comes from a need to prove that what they heard as children was wrong; it’s not a drive emanating from the belief “I deserve this” or, to quote L’Oreal, “because I’m worth it.”

    I strongly believe that whatever our parents (or parental figures) told us during these formative years remains in our bodies on a subconscious level.

    Have you ever had a situation when someone said or did something to you that felt like it struck a nerve? Did someone make a comment to you that unexpectedly brought back a plethora of sensations, fears, or worries that you haven’t felt in years? How does that happen?

    We subconsciously reinforce those messages and viewpoints that our loved ones continually reinforced until they become our very own beliefs.

    And then we unknowingly pass them on to our children, and on and on the cycle spins. But what would life be like if you could learn to separate yourself from a belief pattern that has no foundation of truth but nonetheless has a hold over you?

    My self-limiting belief revolves around money and my attitude toward it. From a young age my parents worked very hard, holding multiple jobs and doing everything in their power to give us what we needed.

    As they built their business together, their lives and incomes improved; however, their attitudes toward money did not.

    Having come from a place of lack, they didn’t want us to find ourselves in that same place. So the constant message was that saving money is important, and they frowned upon spending frivolously. We learned that you buy only what you need.

    While these financial beliefs helped me greatly in certain aspects of my life, I’ve run into some residual issues as a result. In the dominant memories of shopping with my mother, the all important question was not “Do you like it?” but rather “How much is it?”

    My mother did not encourage spending on anything but the basics, and she hardly ever splurged on herself.

    I internalized the message that it is a bad thing to treat yourself to nice things.

    Years later, despite having worked hard to find myself in a financially stable position, the first thing I do when out shopping is to look at the price tag. The voice in my head tells me it’s too expensive. I tell myself, “You don’t need this; what are you thinking?”

    In the event that I decide that I do, in fact, need it and like it very much, I drag myself to the register yet spend a good thirty minutes afterward berating myself.

    I am fully aware that I do this, but can’t seem to stop myself.

    The first step toward change is awareness, and I am consciously aware that I’m a work in progress.

    These days when I find myself in the midst of a heated argument with myself in the fitting room mirror, I give myself a pep talk. “Do you like it? Can you afford it?” If the answer is a resounding “yes,” I go right ahead.

    So, what’s your self-limiting belief? How does this way of thinking hold you back in life? By encouraging an open dialogue, we can begin to free ourselves from the invisible shackles of these negative beliefs.

    The more we hear, read, or speak a word or phrase, the more power it has over us. By staying aware and refuting these beliefs as they come up, their authority starts to wane.

    Being consciously aware that we have the power to choose how we think can be wonderfully liberating. We no longer need to react according to some outdated belief system that we inherited, which doesn’t serve our highest potential.

    What we choose to shine a light on can no longer carry a hold over us. So maybe it’s time to get out the flashlight, get really honest, and work through those beliefs that no longer serve us so we can put them where they belong, in the trash.

    Held back image via Shutterstock

  • What to Do When You Feel Caged: The Key to Lasting Freedom

    What to Do When You Feel Caged: The Key to Lasting Freedom

    Flying Free

    “Wherever you go, there you are.” ~Confucius

    Everything I do is about living and sharing freedom. But what is freedom anyway?

    To understand freedom, it’s helpful to understand its opposite. The opposite of freedom is feeling caged, constricted, and ruled by guidelines you don’t believe in.

    For many people, their job feels like jail. For some people, their community feels like jail. For others, school feels like jail.

    I’ve been in all those jails. And for the most part, I was in those jails because I didn’t know there was an alternative. Now that I know the alternative, I have consciously created a life of freedom, but it wasn’t always this way.

    I grew up in very religious schools, which felt like a jail, mentally and physically. There were strict rules governing what you could wear and eat and what was expected from you. Living in that jail mentality was stifling, and my need for freedom was bursting at the seams of my soul.

    For several years I was curiously obsessed with social justice and the prison system. I now recognize that my fascination stemmed from my feelings about living in a jail of sorts during my youth.

    At seventeen I left my hometown and embarked upon finding freedom and discovering who I was.

    When you live in a jail-mentality for the bulk of your life, you get out into the big wide world and feel utterly lost. That was me—lost, and essentially going from one jail to another.

    From the strict schools of my youth, I went straight to University, not knowing about the other options that were out there. And once again I felt caged. I felt jailed by the confines of my schedule and limited resources.

    I was desperate to break free, so I found a summer job in New Hampshire that would give me room, board, pay, and a new experience.

    I was taken by New Hampshire the moment I read the state’s license plate: Live Free Or Die. I knew I had landed in the right place. There, I met people from all over the world who had a similar freedom-travel-spirit mentality.

    Coincidentally, I met someone there who shared my intrigue with the prison system and social justice, and informed me that I could talk to prisoners on death row.

    While communicating with one inmate through letters, I learned that true freedom is in the mind.

    That shook me.

    I had heard that phrase before, but it wasn’t until I heard it from somebody who was really locked up that it hit home and touched my soul.

    Imagine being constrained to solitary confinement. Imagine being thrown into the prison “hole,” a place of pure darkness, without the freedom to see. Imagine having your every move watched, being told when you can eat, shower, and sleep. And imagine even after all that, recognizing that you can still have freedom because it is in the mind. That’s a powerful awareness.

    I knew that I was the only one putting the shackles on me. Although this message penetrated, it would take me several years to fully understand it.

    After I left New Hampshire, I had a string of adventures and travels that allowed me freedom, possibility, and a life outside the status quo.

    For several years all the outward travel fed my need for freedom. But there came a point where it was no longer freeing. I was starting to fall back into feeling jailed, despite making free and adventurous choices.

    I knew I had to start moving inward if I was to find true freedom. So began my inner journey.

    I started seeking out spiritual books from Deepak Chopra and Louise Hay, and reading the words from John Kabat Zinn, which resonated with me more than anything else. His book Wherever You Go, There You Are was like lightning hitting my heart.

    That line was exactly what I had experienced—despite all my travels, where I searched for freedom on the outside, wherever I went, I was still there. I still had to deal with my own limitations and the blocks that I was creating within my own mind.

    These limitations pertained to my self-confidence and self-worth—how I thought about myself, and what I believed about my ability to go after what I wanted and succeed. In perpetually thinking I couldn’t do things I wanted to do and that I wasn’t worthy of them, I paralyzed myself with fear.

    You need to believe you can do something before you can find the motivation to take action on it. And my beliefs were limiting my actions. Although I was traveling from place to place, my internal limitations came with me.

    It’s been a decade since I got that book, which focused heavily on meditation. I have since found the practice of pure presence to be one of the most powerful gateways to freedom. Meditation has this uncanny ability to break away the false self—the self-sabotaging thoughts and limiting beliefs.

    So where is freedom? Is it inside us? Is it about our outside choices?

    For many years the outward journey did the trick for me. It had an effect on my soul, although I did not have the understanding to recognize it at the time. However, the outward journey only took me so far.

    I have found that ultimately it’s the inner journey that leads to lasting freedom.

    I still enjoy “getting away” and having adventures. But I have come to recognize that in the confines of the outward journey I can still feel caged. It is only through going inward, specifically through practices of meditation and being present, that I can access long lasting freedom that endures, regardless of my outward circumstances.

    If you are looking to enhance the freedom in your life, take some time to pause from your day and practice being fully present with the moment as it is.

    Ironically, this is likely why travel is such a great way to feel free. When we travel, we’re more present by virtue of the newness around us—the change of culture or scenery. Everything is so new, so we are like babies enthralled by our surroundings and naturally we get out of our head and are deeply connected to the moment. It is, in effect, living a meditation.

    The magic of a meditation practice (and yes, five minutes will do the trick!) is that you can train yourself to strengthen the muscle of presence in your everyday life, so that you can have access to that freedom no matter where you are.

    Although five minutes may sound simple, it can still be challenging, so I recommend committing to a specific time, such as first thing in the morning, to ensure you do it.

    Then, any time that you feel constricted, scared, stifled, or confused, you can tap into the practice of meditation to help you reconnect with yourself, and reconnect with an inner sense of freedom. This won’t change physical circumstances that may feel constricting, but when you free yourself of mental limitations, it’s a lot easier to find solutions to physical ones.

    Meditation is a vehicle to freedom because it often gives us clarity, and allows us to free our mind from our blocks and limitations. Meditation helps us access our intuition, which can guide us to the things that will help us live a more purposeful, freedom-filled life.

    Freedom truly is in the mind. If you feel caged in yours, remember, presence is the key.

    Photo by Kamil Porembiński

  • Get Unstuck: Stop Believing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself

    Get Unstuck: Stop Believing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself

    Break Free

    “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou

    We’ve all done it, right? Somehow, somewhere, something bad happened to us and since that moment we’ve continued to tell ourselves the story about what might and could go wrong in our future.

    For me, the biggest negative pattern I’ve had to release stems from my parents’ divorce. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a positive person. When I was a kid I was happy-go-lucky, nothing much bothered me, and life was pretty awesome.

    Also, being an only child I was always close with my parents. The thought that they wouldn’t be together was something that never entered my mind.

    Then they split up when I was 18 and things began to change. I made different choices and I also began to believe that all romantic relationships were doomed.

    A few years later, just after I had split up with my long-term partner, I was in LA spending a lovely afternoon watching US daytime TV. Nothing much was on, but every channel I flicked to seemed to mention the word “marriage” or “divorce.”

    I also happened to be reading Wayne Dyer’s Your Sacred Self at the time, and suddenly it all made sense:

    I had been telling myself stories like “Marriages never last forever” and “All relationships are doomed,” and in essence I was creating my reality.

    I finally realized that my beliefs about relationships had been causing me to attract those exact experiences.

    I was giving these negative stories power and acting on them. I was skeptical that I would be able to have a successful and happy relationship, which caused me to see everything that could go wrong. I ultimately initiated our break-up because I believed that it was inevitable.

    The very experiences we fear keep repeating themselves if we continue to focus on them and give them power. We’ve got to become aware and first change ourselves if we want our reality to change.

    Now that I’m a few years on from that, I have replaced my negative relationship beliefs with new, positive thought patterns.

    Now, I believe my current relationship is a lifetime partnership and as a result, I act in a way that manifests that type of relationship without worry and doubt. I take responsibility for my part of the relationship, and because I have positive thinking patterns I bring my best self to the table. This allows me and my partner to have confidence and faith as we plan our lives together.

    Our experiences reflect our beliefs, so it benefits us to make them positive.

    Here are a few questions to help you get to the root of your negative beliefs so you can make changes in your life:

    1. What are the negative stories you’ve been telling yourself?

    Is there an area in your life where you seem to struggle? Which experiences trigger negative thoughts?

    It’s time to narrow in on the beliefs that are keeping you from living the life that you want.

    2. Where do those negative beliefs come from?

    What happened in your past? Did someone in a position of authority make a negative comment about you that you’ve held on to?

    Just know that you can’t change what has happened or what someone said to you or about you. But you do have the power to decide not to allow those experiences to control your life in this moment.

    3. Why are you holding on to those negative beliefs?

    Which needs are you fulfilling by holding on to these beliefs? For example, are you getting attention by playing the victim?

    By not letting go of negative beliefs, we keep ourselves trapped in a vicious cycle, repeating the same pattern over and over again. Life will continue to give us lessons until we learn, grow, and move past it.

    We need to make a change within ourselves to move forward and break through to a new reality.

    4. What does your future look like if you let go of these beliefs?

    Close your eyes and imagine your future if you didn’t have these thoughts. Notice all the amazing things that you close yourself off from just by holding on to your negative beliefs.

    What can you do in this moment to move toward that future?

    Holding on to past experiences and old beliefs gives you an excuse to continue to repeat the same behavior. It justifies negative thought patterns and keeps you in that loop.

    It’s time to break the pattern and realize you have the power to shape your reality!

    Photo by Hanna Irblinger fotografie

  • When Your Beliefs Hold You Back: Release Them to Avoid Regret

    When Your Beliefs Hold You Back: Release Them to Avoid Regret

    “Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~lan Watts   

    Do you hear voices?

    Even when you are alone, there is usually someone talking to you. And you hear them loud and clear.

    Everyone has an internal dialogue going through their heads for a large part of the day. Just because you hear these “voices” it doesn’t mean you are crazy.

    On the other hand, these voices can make you believe some crazy things.

    Most of what these voices tell you is negative. And when you hear these negative things often enough, you come to believe them.

    The worst part is that these voices speak to you in the first person, making you imagine that it’s actually your words:

    • “I’ll never be able to lose weight. I just have a slow metabolism.”
    • “Old/Bald/Fat people like me never find fulfilling relationships.”
    • “I’m not the kind of person who can start my own business—people like me just get a ‘comfortable’ job.”

    Underlying each of these statements are assumptions that restrain your behavior, or limiting beliefs. See if you can spot some.

    For a long time, I thought I had to become a professional, like a doctor, lawyer, or accountant.

    Since I was good at math, I decided to become an actuary. I was fairly content with this decision for a while.

    But despite enjoying my 10-week internship, I felt like I couldn’t handle 40+ straight years of corporate work.

    In my mind, however, it would have been a waste of my intelligence to do anything else that I wanted to do, such as writing. Plus, I craved the ego boost that comes from other people seeing me as intelligent.

    So I applied for more actuarial jobs. And I got rejected from all of them.

    While it certainly did hurt to get rejected, it forced me to choose another path for myself. (more…)