Tiny Buddha

Tag: let go

  • Why Holding Space Is Better Than Gripping for Control

    Why Holding Space Is Better Than Gripping for Control

    “Anything you can’t control is teaching you how to to let go.” ~Unknown

    There’s a story I read to my children, an old piece of African folklore. In the tale, a clever jackal outwits a mighty lion by convincing him that the rock ledge above them is about to collapse. The lion, believing the jackal’s warning, uses all his strength to push up against the rock, holding it in place.

    The jackal promises to return with a branch to support the ledge, but instead, he makes his escape. Hours later, exhausted, the lion finally collapses, throwing his paws over his head in fear—only to realize the rock was never going to fall. It had been holding itself up all along.

    By believing the jackal’s story, the lion not only lost his chance at a meal but also drained himself completely. His muscles trembled, his breath came ragged, his energy was spent. The rock had never needed his strength at all.

    I thought about this story the other day—not while reading to my children, but in a moment of quiet realization. A wave of exhaustion and relief hit me. I could feel the weight dropping from my shoulders, as if I were lowering my own arms from the rock ledge, only just realizing it had never needed my help.

    For years, I have tried to hold up things that were never mine to carry—relationships, outcomes, even the way the world moves. Intellectually, I’ve known for a while that control and perfectionism are two traits I need to release in order to heal and move forward. And yet, the need for control is so deeply ingrained that it slips in sideways, undetected, just when I think I’ve cracked the code.

    Take my writing, for example. It has always been driven by twin needs: first, to express myself, to shape my creativity and voice; but second, to make a difference—to shift the broader story unfolding on the global stage. Underpinning this is the belief that if I work hard enough, craft my words carefully enough, maybe I can influence something bigger than myself.

    But as I pictured the lion straining against the rock, I saw myself in him—struggling to change the world, to make an impact. And just like the rock ledge, the world moves as it always has, with or without my effort. No amount of willpower will shift it.

    At first, this realization felt disheartening. But then I saw it for what it was: an opportunity. A chance to redirect my energy toward what I can control—my own choices, my own growth—rather than exhausting myself trying to push against something that will never move.

    The same is true in my relationships. When I see family or friends struggle, my first impulse is to jump in and fix it for them. If I can’t fix it, I tell them how they should fix it. And when they don’t, I wait impatiently for them to act on my plan.

    Acceptance has always felt like forfeit, like giving in. But real love isn’t about control. It isn’t about making someone else change. If anything, my pushing only gave others something to resist—an excuse to avoid looking inward and making the change themselves.

    Just the other day, my son James banged his head. What followed was typical for him—rather than running to me for comfort like his sisters, he ran away crying, shouting, “Go away!” when I approached. It broke my heart.

    I didn’t listen. I inched closer, swatting away his flailing limbs, trying to soothe, trying to help, trying to fix. But the more I reached for him, the more he recoiled. My love felt like pursuit—like pushing, pulling, prodding. I was trying to make things better when what he needed was for me to simply be there, steady and patient, until he was ready to come back on his own.

    It’s hard to let go. Hard to accept that I can’t protect, guide, and mold everything as a parent, a partner, a daughter, a friend. But even a four-year-old sometimes needs the space to find his own way through. Sometimes, the best—the only—thing I can do is stop pushing and hold the space for him to find himself.

    Surrender is not passivity. Letting go of control doesn’t mean doing nothing—it means shifting my focus inward, toward what I can change: myself, my choices, my own growth. It means holding space for those I love, trusting that they will find their own way.

    The message was driven home again in the quiet of my dreams. I saw a large and beautiful rainbow-colored ring—bold, unconventional, unlike the traditional platinum engagement band. It shimmered with something deeper: a different kind of love, one unconstrained by rigid expectations.

    The next morning, as if to affirm the message, James’ tiny hand slipped into mine in the kitchen. With a delighted giggle, he rolled a bright, multi-colored playdough ring onto my finger.

    I looked at him, at his joy, at his offering. And I understood.

    Love isn’t about clinging, controlling, or shaping something into what we think it should be. Love is flexible. Love is colorful. Love is personal. And sometimes, love simply holds space, waiting patiently for the moment we are ready to return to it.

    This realization carries a tinge of sadness. How many years have I spent striving to move boulders that were never mine to shift?

    But beyond the sadness, there is also joy—deep, unshakable joy—in realizing I am free. Relief in knowing I don’t have to hold up the world, my friends, or my family.

    And peace—at last, within reach—in trusting that life is unfolding exactly as it’s meant to, as I slowly, gently, let go.

  • Lessons from a Former Overthinker: How to Start Really Living

    Lessons from a Former Overthinker: How to Start Really Living

    “Rule your mind, or it will rule you.” ~Buddha

    I used to be trapped in a cycle of overthinking, replaying past mistakes, worrying about the future, and mentally holding onto every thought, just as I physically held onto old clothes, books, and my child’s outgrown toys.

    The fear of letting go—whether of physical items or persistent thoughts—felt overwhelming. But I didn’t realize that this habit of mental hoarding was keeping me stuck in place.

    The Anxiety of Letting Go—My Last Day of School

    One of my earliest experiences with mental hoarding happened on my last day of school in 1996 before my tenth-grade board exams. When my class teacher wished us “All the very best, children, for your board exams,” I suddenly realized—it was my last day in school. This thought had never crossed my mind before, and it hit me hard.

    I’d spent over a decade there—eleven or twelve years—growing up, laughing, learning, crying, sharing tiffins, and living through every moment with my friends. The idea that I would never return to that life left me feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness.

    On that day, when I returned home, I couldn’t eat lunch, nor could I sleep well. I clutched my pillow tightly, as if I could stop time from moving forward. I kept replaying all the moments, all the memories. The playground where I ran and played, the tap I used to drink water from, the desk where I sat every single day, the blackboard where I nervously wrote answers. But what truly gutted me was I would never see some of my friends again.

    Back then, there was no Facebook or Instagram to keep in touch. If you missed a day at school, you had to ask someone in person what happened, what they did over the weekend, and what their summer vacation was like. School was the only way to stay connected. I felt like I was losing a part of myself.

    I missed my evening’s Taekwondo practice. I didn’t even have the energy for dinner. I just went to bed, but my mind was restless, spinning.

    The next morning, I woke up at 3 a.m. I didn’t know why, but I felt like I needed to run. So, I dragged myself to the stadium where I used to train. I ran with all my strength, threw punches and kicks into the air, and let out loud screams with each movement.

    Sweat drenched my body, but I didn’t feel tired. Instead, I felt the tension leaving my body. As I sat on the ground, watching the first rays of the sunrise, I realized that time does not stop for anyone. Every ending is a new beginning.

    This was the first time I truly understood the power of movement and mindfulness in releasing emotional baggage. I had been hoarding memories, but by physically engaging with my emotions—through running, punching, and embracing the new day—I let go of the stiffness in my mind.

    This was my first lesson at the age of fifteen: that sometimes, the hardest goodbyes bring the lightest hearts.

    Unanswered Questions—Learning to Let Go

    In 2002, I faced another instance of mental hoarding, but this time it was about unanswered questions and emotional attachment.

    There was a girl from my school days who had been more than a friend. After school, we lost touch—there were no mobile phones or social media back then. For five to six years, I never considered pursuing anyone else, always wondering what she would think if I did. Her presence lingered in my mind, keeping me from moving forward.

    Finally, in 2002, after seven long years, I went to the school where she was working as a teacher. There was a function happening that day, and amidst the crowd, I gathered the courage to propose to her.

    Tears filled her eyes as if she had been waiting for that moment, but she neither said yes nor no. Instead, she spoke three lines, turned away, and left. I stood there, unable to move, as if my feet were rooted to the ground. It felt like a part of me had been left behind.

    For days, I couldn’t concentrate on my studies. My mind replayed those three lines over and over, searching for answers that weren’t there.

    One day, while battling my thoughts, I was hitting a tennis ball against a wall, lost in frustration. In anger, I hit it too hard, and it rebounded faster than I expected. I jumped high to catch it, but when I landed, I felt a sharp pain—a hairline fracture in my right foot. The doctor put my leg in a cast, and for forty-five days, I was confined to my home.

    During that time, I had no choice but to sit still. With nothing else to do, I turned my focus entirely to studying for my CA-Inter exam. As I immersed myself in my studies, I noticed something—the memories of that day no longer haunted me. Without realizing it, I had stopped searching for answers. I appeared for my exam soon after my cast was removed and passed successfully.

    At the age of twenty-two or twenty-three, I learned a profound lesson: Some questions don’t have answers, and the more we chase them, the more they consume us. The key is to stop searching for meaning in every unanswered moment and move forward.

    The Power of Letting Go

    A turning point came during my corporate nine-to-five job. I felt like a bird in a cage, desperate to fly but held back by uncertainty. I wanted to quit and start my own business, but I spent two years mentally hoarding fears.

    What if I fail? What about my financial responsibilities to my wife and three-year-old son? The constant loop of overthinking paralyzed me. I finally broke free in September 2012, when I quit my job and became a sub-broker in the stock market. Letting go of fear was liberating. I no longer had to be answerable to anyone, and I had the freedom I had always dreamed of.

    This experience taught me that, just like physical clutter, mental clutter keeps us stuck.

    Another powerful realization came to me in 2020 when my son insisted on buying a 55″ smart TV. I had been holding onto my old CRT TV, the very first thing I bought with my income back in January 2006. It wasn’t just an appliance—it was a symbol of my early struggles and achievements.

    I remembered how I had gone to Shimla for work in a friend’s car and excitedly purchased it on the way. Though outdated, it still worked, and I clung to it, not because of its utility, but because of the memories attached to it. Letting go felt like erasing a part of my journey.

    But in November 2020, I finally gave it away to someone in need and welcomed the new TV. It was only then that I realized that unless you make space—whether in your home or your mind—new things, new opportunities, and new ways of thinking cannot enter. This lesson extended beyond possessions; it applied to thoughts, regrets, and self-imposed limitations.

    Regret is a Waste of Time—Lessons from Professional Life

    I started investing and trading in 2009. Back then, I bought stocks that were trading in two figures and sold them after holding them for a few days or months at a 5-10% profit. A decade later, some of those stocks were trading in four figures, and the thought of what I could have gained was painful. The regret of “What if I had held onto them?” haunted me.

    But then, I reflected and realized that every decision I made—both buying and selling—was mine, based on the conditions at the time. Just as some stocks grew tremendously, others that once traded in four figures lost their value completely. I have clients who call me daily, expressing regret about missed opportunities. They saw a stock at a lower level, hesitated to buy, and later saw it jump by 25% or more. The cycle of regret is endless.

    Over time, I have trained myself to stop overthinking past trades. Now, I focus only on my present trades, whether I make a profit or a loss. If an opportunity presents itself today, I act without hesitation instead of dwelling on missed chances.

    This experience taught me an important lesson: If we cannot change our past decisions, there is no use in regretting them. Instead, we should focus on what we can do now.

    The Biggest Lesson—Accepting Life’s Impermanence

    The biggest lesson I learned came from an unexpected place, one that I never imagined would leave such an impact. In the northern part of India, especially in Punjab, where I live, there is a festival called Basant Panchami, celebrated with much joy and enthusiasm. It usually falls in January, and one of the key traditions is flying kites.

    In 2018, the festival was on January 22nd, and the day before, I went to the market with my younger brother to buy kites and strings. We were both passionate about flying kites since childhood, and that day, we were thrilled, full of laughter and excitement. We spent the morning playing music, dancing, and flying kites together, just like we had done for years.

    But what I didn’t know, what I could never have predicted, was that day would be the last time I would experience this with my younger brother. In June 2018, my brother left this world, and that was the moment I fully grasped the weight of what I had lost.

    From that day until the Basant festival in 2025, I kept the nineteen kites we had bought that day, unable to fly them, because they reminded me of him. It felt like if I flew those kites, I’d somehow be letting go of the only piece left of him. Each year, as the spring festival came around, I would hold on to those kites tightly, preserving the memory of the day we spent together.

    But this year, something changed. At the 2025’s Basant festival, I finally let go. I flew those nineteen kites. As they soared in the sky, I realized that we had bought those kites to celebrate, to enjoy life, and my brother would have wanted me to do the same.

    Holding on to them, keeping them safe, was just a way of avoiding the truth: life moves on, and sometimes, the more tightly you hold on to something, the more you lose in the process. It reminded me that, like the sand slipping from your hand when you grip it too tightly, life too must be lived with openness and acceptance.

    That realization hit me hard: life is like a moving train. We are all passengers on that train, and eventually, each passenger leaves when their station arrives, while others continue their journey. Every living thing on this Earth will vanish one day. Holding on to the past, to memories, to the “what ifs,” only weighs us down.

    I had been hoarding my thoughts and emotions for so long, thinking I could preserve them and keep them safe. But this lesson—through the act of finally flying those kites—helped me realize how destructive overthinking can be.

    It was time to stop hoarding my memories and emotions. Life is constantly moving forward, and holding on too tightly to what’s gone only prevents me from enjoying the present.

    I learned that it’s okay to let go, to free myself from overthinking, and to embrace what is happening now. Just like the kites in the sky, my brother’s memory will always be with me, but I have to live my life fully, without fear of letting go.

    The lesson I learned is simple yet profound: stop hoarding your thoughts, free yourself from overthinking, and allow yourself to truly live. Life moves forward, and so must we.

    Final Thoughts

    Freedom from mental clutter is possible. Once I let go of the thoughts that no longer served me, I made space for clarity, courage, and growth. And just like my career shift, I realized the only way to truly move forward is to stop hoarding and start living.

  • What Happened When I Let Go of My Big Plan

    What Happened When I Let Go of My Big Plan

    “Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti

    Turning fifty felt like a milestone worth celebrating—a time to honor myself, reflect on my five decades of life, and embrace the journey ahead.

    For someone who had never believed I was worth the fuss of a big celebration, choosing to honor myself in this way felt like a profound shift. I wanted this celebration to affirm that I am worth the effort and expense.

    The way I envisioned this milestone? Hosting a retreat for women like me, who were born in 1975 and at a similar life stage. But what began as an exciting idea turned into a chance for surrender, growth, and unexpected self-discovery.

    The Vision: A Retreat for Reflection, Celebration, and Pampering

    The idea hit me all at once, clear and undeniable. Why not create a customized birthday retreat experience to mark the milestone? The retreat would be intimate, luxurious, and restorative—a space where women could reflect and celebrate together.

    I spent weeks researching, contacting venues, and considering every detail meticulously:

    • A stunning eco-conscious venue blending luxury with nature
    • A top-rated plant-based chef to nourish us
    • Thoughtfully designed activities that honor our individual and collective needs, including a group birthday celebration and opportunities for deep introspective work

    The host venue I found was a gem, exceeding my list of must-haves, but it was meeting the owner of the venue that felt truly serendipitous.

    From our first conversation, we shared a kindred energy that was both grounding and inspiring, and I knew I was meant to find her. Our connection felt like a sign—one that I wouldn’t fully understand until much later.

    I joyfully secured the dates with a deposit, brimming with excitement to share this beautiful offering with others.

    Every Project Has Its Challenges, Right?

    Despite my enthusiasm, something didn’t feel quite right. The response from my friends and acquaintances was lukewarm. Cost and personal preferences were barriers for some, and others simply didn’t resonate with the idea.

    From others, I received unsolicited advice that the retreat just wasn’t compelling. My ego bristled at their comments, interpreting them as doubts in my capability and vision.

    Adding to this, I encountered bureaucratic issues and had to navigate compliance with the retreat regulating body in my province, bringing unexpected stress and layers of complexity I hadn’t anticipated. If this piece wasn’t sorted, the retreat would put me in the red beyond what made sense.

    I believed in my vision, though, or at least, I believed in that strong feeling of alignment I had whenever I spoke with the retreat venue owner.

    After perseverance and more hours of work, I was able to solve the compliance issue. I also revised the retreat to reduce the cost to attendees and broaden the audience to include women born in 1974 and 1976, editing all of the marketing materials and recosting everything.

    After my modifications, I informally launched to my circle again, and this time… drum roll please… more crickets.

    A Moment of Truth: To Let Go or Double Down?

    I knew that the retreat would be magical for the right women, but I considered calling it off anyway. Anyone who’s marketed a retreat knows it’s no small feat. To make it happen, I’d need to pour in more time, energy, and finances—yet something in me just didn’t want to.

    When I really tuned in, the idea of letting go and surrendering to the quiet message my heart was sending brought an unexpected sense of relief.

    My ego whispered reasons to keep pushing forward: proving the doubters wrong, justifying the time and money I’d already invested, and showing myself I could make it work. But my heart’s quiet, persistent voice urged me to release it.

    The Gift of Letting Go

    After weeks of introspection, I made the decision to cancel the retreat. It wasn’t easy—old patterns of shame and fear of failure surfaced, and I had to really sit with them. But over time, I found peace with my choice.

    Since I had planned so far ahead, I was able to redirect my deposit toward attending a retreat at the same venue—this time, for myself.

    And THAT decision changed everything.

    The retreat opened up a new path in my healing journey, guiding me toward a piece of the puzzle I’d been trying to figure out but hadn’t yet understood. The deep connection that I felt with the retreat host made sense in a new way. She was meant to be one of my guides, and I would be returning to retreat with her many more times in my future.

    A Powerful Learning

    My experience also highlighted an area of growth asking for my attention. In my professional life, giving of myself is at the heart of what I do. I continually work on myself to strengthen my capacity to hold space for others to do their work.

    I love this calling deeply, and I receive so much in return for my giving—but I’ve realized that I still struggle outside of this context with receiving. That is, receiving without feeling the need to give something back. I also find it hard to surrender to others caring for me and holding space for me to be my messy, human self.

    The truth is, my intention behind planning the retreat was misguided. I convinced myself I was finally allowing myself to deserve a celebration, but I still felt I had to earn it by planning something for others. Yes, I would enjoy it, but I would be receiving through giving—which is beautiful, but not the same.

    By trusting my intuition and listening to the message from my heart—that I didn’t need to pursue this—I gave myself permission to let it go. And in doing so, I recognized a deep need to learn how to truly receive.

    What better way to mark the transition into my fiftieth year than by learning this essential self-care skill?

    My Takeaways from a Lesson in Letting Go

    1. Find the value.

    Letting go can feel like you’ve wasted your time, money, or energy when you don’t ‘achieve’ the outcome you set out to create, but if every experience carries value, then it’s not a waste. In my case, I gained impactful insights into the women I serve, learned how to navigate retreat regulations in my province, and met a pivotal person on my path to healing.

    2. Trust your intuition.

    Letting go of control created space for something unexpected: a profound healing experience and invaluable clarity and guidance that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. My decision to cancel wasn’t analytical—it was intuitive. But leaning into that inner voice led me to something far more meaningful than the original plan. I got what my heart knew I needed, not what my thinking self thought that I needed.

    3. Honor the balance of giving and receiving.

    Letting myself receive requires surrender. And while offering space for others to receive is deeply fulfilling, allowing myself to be cared for fills a far-reaching need I hadn’t fully acknowledged. As I enter this milestone year, I realize that true wholeness comes from honoring both sides of the equation.

    Trusting my heart and letting go is an ongoing practice for me, as it is for many women who have been socialized in a ‘fixing’ and ‘doing’ culture such as what is typical of North America.

    The gift of remembering to trust was a deeper understanding of what I truly need in my next phase. Sometimes, the most powerful way to meet our needs is to stop striving and simply allow ourselves to receive—both from others and from the wisdom of our own intuition.

  • Breaking Free from Resentment: My Journey to Finding Peace

    Breaking Free from Resentment: My Journey to Finding Peace

    “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” ~Saint Augustine

    For years, I was unknowingly poisoning myself in nearly every relationship—whether romantic, work-related, or friendships. It always followed the same pattern: I’d form a deep attachment, throw myself into the relationship, and give endlessly, hoping that if I gave enough, they’d appreciate and value me.

    But instead, it felt like they just took and took, leaving me secretly seething with anger and frustration while I smiled on the outside.

    I was doing all the running—couldn’t they see that? Couldn’t they see how hard I was trying? Over time, the exhaustion would set in. Eventually, I’d burn out from the one-sided effort and just give up, walking away hurt and angry, convinced they had wronged me.

    Each time, I added another person to my mental list of people I couldn’t trust. With each disappointment, I trusted fewer and fewer people.

    To protect myself, I started putting up walls, convincing myself I didn’t need anyone. I told myself I was fine on my own. I’d always be the first to step in and help family or friends, but I wouldn’t allow them to help me. I refused to be vulnerable because, to me, vulnerability meant risking rejection. I believed I could do it all on my own—or at least that’s what I told myself.

    When COVID hit, isolation wasn’t a choice anymore—it was forced upon me. Suddenly, I was alone, with no one to turn to because I had pushed everyone away. That’s when I realized just how much resentment had poisoned my life.

    Fed up with the weight it placed on my life, I decided to confront it head-on. I let myself fully feel the resentment, allowing it to wash over me like a wave. It wasn’t easy—leaning into those emotions was painful, raw, and uncomfortable.

    But in that moment, I realized I wasn’t just angry with a few people—I was carrying resentment for almost everyone in my life, even my own mother! The bitterness had been poisoning me for years, and it became clear that it wasn’t just affecting my relationships—it was poisoning my peace.

    That’s when I made the decision to stop drinking the poison. I realized that I had been giving so much power to other people—power over my emotions, my happiness, and even my health. But I didn’t have to. I didn’t need to wait for anyone to apologize or change; I was responsible for my own healing, and I wasn’t going to let others’ actions control my life anymore.

    Self-Realization: The First Step to Letting Go

    Self-realization was the first, and perhaps most difficult, step in battling my resentment. For the first time in my life, I stopped running from the pain and leaned into it instead.

    I started using EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) to peel back the layers of emotions I had been burying for years. Through tapping on specific points, I was able to release trapped feelings and bring clarity to the surface. Each tapping session was like lifting a weight off my chest, but it was also incredibly uncomfortable.

    I had to confront memories I had long avoided and acknowledge the emotions I had hidden from for so long.

    What shocked me the most was realizing that I had never given anyone a chance to correct the wrongs I thought they had done. I assumed people knew I was upset, and when they didn’t magically pick up on it, I silently resented them.

    Saying that now, it sounds so ridiculous—how could I have expected people to read my mind? Yet for years, that’s exactly what I did.

    So, I began reframing the narrative. Instead of focusing on how others had let me down, I asked myself: What could I have done differently in those situations? How could I have influenced a different outcome?

    The more I reflected, the more I realized that I had the power to change the dynamics of my relationships. It was a breakthrough—I didn’t need to wait for someone to change or apologize. I had the power to heal myself.

    Testing My New Mindset

    Soon after this realization, I had an opportunity to test my new mindset. I had invited my mum and sister on a weekend getaway, something that meant a lot to me.

    A few weeks before the trip, they both backed out. The old me would have smiled and said, “No problem, that’s fine,” while secretly adding their names to my mental list of people who had wronged me.

    But this time, I did something different. I spoke up. I calmly explained how much it hurt that they were canceling on something so important to me.

    To my surprise, neither my mum nor my sister had any idea their actions would hurt me. They explained that, because I had always been so independent, they didn’t realize how much this trip meant to me.

    For the first time, we had a genuine, open conversation about our feelings, and it actually brought us closer.

    Instead of silently seething and letting resentment build, I communicated honestly, and the outcome was liberating.

    I realized that so much of the pain I had carried in the past could have been avoided if I had just voiced my feelings. That conversation was a powerful reminder that I have the power to shape my relationships, and that sometimes people just don’t know how we feel unless we tell them.

    Moving Forward: Letting Go and Staying Free

    After learning to let go of years of resentment, I realized that staying free required new habits. I needed to guard against falling back into old patterns, so I came up with a few strategies to help.

    First, I ask myself three key questions:

    1. Is this really worth my peace?

    2. Did they intend to hurt me, or could there be another explanation?

    3. What can I do differently in this situation?

    These questions help me pause, reflect, and reframe my thoughts before resentment has a chance to take root. I no longer jump to conclusions or internalize every slight.

    And then there’s my secret weapon—whenever I feel those old feelings of resentment bubbling up, I silently sing the Disney song “Let It Go” to myself!

    I know it sounds silly, but it’s incredibly effective. The moment I start humming that tune, it interrupts my spiraling thoughts and stops me from obsessing over whatever hurt I’m feeling.

    By the time I’ve finished the song in my head, the urge to hold onto those negative feelings has usually passed, and I can move forward with a clearer mind.

    It’s a lighthearted strategy, but for me, it’s a reminder that I have a choice. I can cling to the bitterness, or I can, quite literally, let it go.

    Letting go isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it. The next time you feel resentment creeping in, remember, forgiveness isn’t for them; it’s for you. It’s time to free yourself from the weight of carrying that poison.

  • How to Let Go of Your Dream When It’s Time to Move On

    How to Let Go of Your Dream When It’s Time to Move On

    “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell

    There’s something I find rarely talked about in discussions about letting go, but I notice all the time. It’s not the release from letting go of outdated stuff. It’s not grieving the loss of loved ones. It’s not healing from trauma. All of these precious topics are talked about and should be more so.

    What I find rarely discussed is the letting go of past versions of oneself—often versions you’ve worked tirelessly to become. This is really the crux of clutter clearing work. It gives us back our birthright to reinvent ourselves throughout our life—to experience birth and death cycles to their fullest.

    Last week in yoga class the teacher said, “We shed our skin more than snakes do.” Ain’t that the truth! Whether we notice or not, we’re constantly evolving. Struggle can arise when we resist this universal truth. When we forget that the only constant in life is change, then change sucks. Then life can get stagnant, full of internal resistance, which is often reflected in our homes and workspaces.

    As I’ve gained more and more years of observing people of all ages in my line of work, I’ve recognized it’s letting go of past versions of ourselves that trips us up.

    There’s one version of myself that comes to mind, which was excruciating to let go. It was being a ballerina.

    I remember being around six years old, kneeling in my bedroom, praying, “Dear God, please let me be a soloist with the Boston Ballet.”

    Fast-forward twelve years, and I’ve sacrificed my entire childhood and adolescence to the art form. Elite gymnast-level training is very similar to what kids do in the ballet world. From age eight, my teachers let me (and my mother) know I had talent and promise. I was hooked, and it became my identity.

    All the countless hours of raw hard work in the studio and on stage didn’t come close to what it took to let that identity go.

    People receive beautiful support in attaining their dreams. But what about letting go of their dreams? When one knows it’s time to lay a part of themselves down, unconditional consolation and support is arguably needed even more than when one is building something.

    Loss hurts. Death hurts. Whether the dream was realized or not, grieving is most efficient and least painful when one is witnessed and held. That’s just the way we and, more specifically, our nervous systems work. And that’s why I love being there with someone who’s letting something go, reminding them that it’s okay and I’ll be right there with them through this transition.

    The leading authority on the intersection of women, wealth, and power, Barbara Huson, shares, “Clinging to the security of the familiar prevents us from discovering what awaits us in the future. The ledges of our lives offer the illusion of safety, but in truth their only value is to keep us hanging. These ledges take many forms, both concrete and intangible. They can look like unfulfilling jobs, unpleasant relationships, inappropriate goals, untrue beliefs, unhealthy habits, or bottled-up emotions.”

    When it comes to laying down a version of ourselves, we are terrified. The amount of anxiety, depression, and paralysis experienced—I’ve come to learn that not all of it is necessary. We can’t blame ourselves for how we deal (or don’t deal) with transitions these days.

    In mainstream culture this fact of life is essentially swept under the rug. “Move on” is the dominant message we receive. But how? Here’s what I recommend in a nutshell:

    1. Acknowledge and articulate what you are letting go.
    2. Process it. Grieve it.
    3. Treat yourself like you would a very dear friend (self-compassion).

    Acknowledge and articulate what you are letting go.

    Speaking it out loud to a trusted loved one, in your own words, can be liberating. Writing it out in your journal can be a potent dose of clarity. This is particularly helpful with letting go of versions of ourselves, which are innately not as concrete or easy to articulate.

    Process it. Grieve it. 

    Step one above actually carries you right into step two. Have you heard the phrase “To heal you must feel?” Designate some time to slow down. Carve out time and space to just be and feel the uncomfortable emotions. There is no one-size-fits-all timeline for this.

    A friend who’s a therapist recently told me, “The way one figures out how to process [emotions/trauma/loss] is as unique as their fingerprint.” I responded, “Yes, and it’s figuring out what it will look like for you that is part of the healing process.” Some excellent resources as a starting point are:

    • Transitions by William Bridges, PhD
    • The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman
    • Seeing a certified therapist or mental health counselor. I personally recommend someone who specializes in inner child work or EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing)

    Treat yourself like you would a very dear friend (with self-compassion).

    Throughout this shedding of an outdated version of yourself, the softer, kinder, and gentler you are, the less painful it will be!

    Snakes don’t rip their dying scales off; they accept the gentle sloughing off of what cells no longer serve them. If one branch of a tree is struggling, the tree slowly lets it wither and die, in order to become stronger and able to grow in new directions.

    When it comes down to the biophysical level, you are more like a snake or a tree than you may have considered. Let the unaffected ease of nature and the human ability for self-compassion be your guideposts.

    In the grand scheme of things, this is what we’ve lost—the healthy relationship between consuming and releasing, growing and decomposing, acquiring and letting go, on the physical, emotional, and spiritual level.

    But if we unlock this innate knowing once again inside ourselves, there’s no stopping how strong, wise, and fulfilled we can become.

    What are the versions of yourself that have been the hardest to let go of so far in your life? Maybe who you were in a particular career? Going from single to married with kids? Being a people-pleaser? I would love to hear your story. Please feel free to reach out.

  • How to Clear the Emotional Clutter That Weighs You Down

    How to Clear the Emotional Clutter That Weighs You Down

    “Declutter your mind, your heart, your home. Let go of the heaviness that is weighing you down.” ~Maria Defillo

    I remember perusing through a used bookstore in a small New England town as a teenager. A book caught my eye—maybe because its spine was a MacIntosh apple red—and I slid it off the shelf. It was titled Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston.

    Back at home in my apartment in Boston, I devoured it. That book shifted the trajectory of my life. Fast-forward seventeen years later and living clutter-free is not only my lifestyle, it’s my calling and my passion. It’s what I’ve used as the foundation to find home again, inside myself as much as out.

    I think I was eighteen when I was in that bookstore. I had devoted the last ten years of my life—sacrificed my childhood—to become a professional ballet dancer. “Sara the Ballerina” was my whole identity, who people knew me as, and the only way I knew myself. But because of very real burnout and a severely limited support system, I chose to go to college. Promising ballet career over.

    A commonplace habit in the ballet world, at least in my corner of it, was to never throw away your pointe shoes. We dancers had an intimate relationship with each and every pair, hand-sewing the ribbons and elastic on ourselves just to our liking, each pair my ally or sometimes foe on the battlefield of competitive, ever-unattainable beauty.

    Each pair was connected to a certain production, role, or memorable time of growth. Each shiny satin pair was a ticket to the elite club of Ballerina World. Not to mention each pair was $80-$100+ and always handmade. By the time I quit dancing I had bags of used pointe shoes filling up my entire closet and beyond.

    Like a good Virgo, I lived very mindfully regarding clutter and consumption through my twenties, in large part due to that book. By age twenty-six, I wanted to test the waters a bit more dramatically, and I let go of 80% of my belongings (including my pointe shoes) to move onto a thirty-foot sailboat with my partner.

    It was around this time that I found myself privately realizing just how deep clearing “clutter” goes. I started to independently use the term “emotional clutter,” only to return to my book and see that Karen Kingston wrote a whole chapter called “Clear Your Emotional Clutter.”

    I believe that in an intuitive way, I was yearning to simplify the hell out of my external environment so that I could free up the energy to tend to my inner environment. I knew I had internal baggage; I just couldn’t yet clarify what.

    You see, contrary to popular belief, when you are free of physical clutter, it doesn’t become rainbows and unicorns, an idea to which many TV shows and books allude. What happens is that what isn’t working in your life gets amplified. Like the surface of a lake clearing after a hard rainfall, clarity rises to the surface of your consciousness about certain things.

    One big thing for me was, to be blunt, that I felt miserable most of the time. Why? There were a few key reasons, but one big one was never grieving the stillbirth of my ballet career. This grief was sabotaging my life. It was emotional clutter that I now knew I needed to process and release. After simplifying my external environment and uncovering clarity, that is when the real work began.

    Fast-forward seventeen years, and my life is unrecognizable. I live in a different part of the world. My body is different, healthier. I’ve developed the courage and wisdom to only keep unconditionally loving and supportive people in my life (there’s a chapter in Kingston’s book about how people can be clutter too!). I’m re-wiring my brain and nervous system from C-PTSD.

    By framing outdated stuff, symptoms of C-PTSD, and old self-limiting beliefs all simply as “clutter” to process and let go, I was able to face a chaotic life and change it to one anchored in sane living.

    Now I know with all my heart that physical clutter is just a gentle starting point. By processing through my belongings mindfully, it tunes me into where I am. Where am I emotionally? What unfinished business do I have? What is weighing me down or holding me back? I now speak of it as mental, emotional, and spiritual clutter. This is how clutter-clearing is way more than getting rid of superfluous items.

    Clutter-clearing is an industry in itself now. But from comparing my personal experience with what I observe in the mainstream media, a lot of deeper practical wisdom is not making the cut (yet). If I want to live an intentional, empowered life, I have to regularly process all the mental/emotional input and physical extensions of myself in order to feed my spirit.

    If you’re also interested in clearing your emotional clutter, these four tips are a good start.

    1. A potent journal prompt is to answer these two questions for each area of your life (career, relationships, health, etc.): What unfinished business do I have? What is weighing me down or holding me back?

    2. Clutter-Clear! Choose an area of your home/studio/office to start. Curating through your belongings will tune you into what commitments, identities, or desires have expired for you.

    3. Emotional clutter that’s common:

    • Grief. Not just from loss of loved ones but also from loss of unfulfilled dreams or past versions of yourself.
    • Unhealed Trauma. Choose a trusted technique to process the emotional baggage and stick to it. I recommend eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), inner child work, and support groups.
    • Self-Limiting Beliefs. We’ll subconsciously believe what authority figures told us about ourselves while growing up for our whole lives, unless we consciously choose otherwise when we’re adults.

    4. List out the values of the five people you interact with the most. If they don’t complement your values, life will be a much more intense emotional roller coaster ride.

    Remember that self-healing and growth aren’t about finding or discovering something new out there. It’s about letting go of all the junk that’s already there to uncover the real you.

  • Let Go of Control: How to Learn the Art of Surrender

    Let Go of Control: How to Learn the Art of Surrender

    “You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” ~Steve Maraboli

    I’ve noticed that things go much more smoothly when I give up control—when I allow them to happen instead of making them happen. Unfortunately, I’m terrible at this.

    Although I’m much better than I used to be, I’m a bit of a control freak. I often use perfectly good energy trying to plan, predict, and prevent things that I cannot possibly plan, predict, or prevent.

    For example, I wonder if my baby is going to get a proper nap when we travel and, if not, just how crabby she might be. I think through her travel and napping patterns, attempting to figure out exactly what we’re up against, as if her sleep is something I can control.

    I also think about the weather a lot when out-of-town guests are visiting. I spend my already-limited time planning for every possible weather/mood combination when considering our itinerary.

    Like most humans I know, I spend a lot of time in business that’s not mine. The baby’s business, my friends’ business, Mother Nature’s business.

    As a recovering control freak, there are three things I know for sure about trying to control things: (more…)

  • Deep Down You Know When It’s Time to Let Go

    Deep Down You Know When It’s Time to Let Go

    “Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.” ~Daphne Rose Kingma

    One of the most challenging things in life is knowing when to let go—when to let go of a job, a relationship, a belief, a repeating thought, a situation… fill in the blank.

    Most of us have defaulted to safety, which often means procrastinating and generally feeling stuck. While there’s nothing wrong with safety—it is, after all, one of our basic needs—we must learn to discern what is truly safe and what is safe for the sake of comfort and conformity, the latter of which ultimately leaves us feeling depleted.

    “Safe” is a subjective term. What feels safe to you may not feel safe to me. For most of us, the unknown feels unsafe, yet as you may have heard, the magic happens when we surrender to the unknown. Chances are, if we are seeking more, longing for more, yet feel paralyzed to move because we feel “safe,” we are probably stuck.

    I recently experienced one of the most challenging transitions of my life when I let go of a long-term relationship. It didn’t happen overnight. It all began with a nudge and a deep knowing that I felt stuck, yet all the outer signs evidenced a “good” relationship, and my mind wouldn’t let go of the idea that there was nothing “wrong” with it.

    By societal standards, I shouldn’t have been complaining or contemplating, but I believe we all really want one thing: to thrive and experience change when it’s necessary for our evolution and joy.

    Resistance and fear will try to tell us a whole lot of stories about why we should be grateful and stay put, but if there is an inkling, a nudge, a quiet inner voice that keeps nagging and telling us it’s time to go, then it’s time to release and move on. Even though letting go may not immediately make any logical sense, listening to that voice can bring new, fulfilling experiences.

    This phase in my life has taught me that life is all about flow and movement, and that living, truly living, means that we are constantly changing and evolving. Living means being called to practice detachment to make room for new energy.

    I also learned that when we don’t listen to that inner voice that says it’s time to let go, and sometimes screams it loud from our heart and gut, life will conspire to make us move, whether we want to or not.

    If we wait long enough and dismiss our deep truth, life will make sure that truth comes out one way or another. Events and circumstances will happen that will cause us to move, and sometimes cause us to move at a rate that we did not expect or plan.

    The biggest lesson for me was, do not wait for life to force you; check in daily and connect to the deep truth that overrides logic and analysis and simply nudges you along.

    This isn’t easy when the voice of fear is loud and untamed.

    Letting go is part of the human experience, but there are ways to minimize the impact of transition if we are mindful. Here are some actions I took and lessons and insights I learned during this transition that helped me embrace letting go. These can apply to any situation that requires letting go.

    I took inventory of all the gifts from my relationship and sat in gratitude.

    I reflected on how I could have shown up differently and more authentically.

    I took responsibility for what I had contributed to the situation.

    I promised myself that I would never betray my inner voice.

    I embraced alone time often.

    I constantly asked myself, “What do I need in this moment?”

    I allowed myself to mourn and grieve whenever those feelings arose.

    I allowed myself to have hard days and was extra gentle with myself during those moments.

    I asked myself what part of me needed to heal so that I could hear my inner voice and override the fear-based thoughts that keep me stuck.

    I indulged in a self-care routine and opted for activities that felt nourishing.

    I kept a daily promise to myself, no matter how small it was.

    I surrounded myself with people I love and with whom I feel safe.

    I traveled and welcomed the energy of newness and curiosity,

    I hugged myself a lot—it is so nourishing!

    I got comfortable with patience and surrender—two great lessons that I needed to learn.

    I embraced the unknown.

    I learned that you can love that job, that person, that circumstance, and still feel a deep urge to move on.

    We are all worthy of feeling fulfilled and nourished; that is the point of life

    Sometimes, we just grow apart from that person, thing, or circumstance. It’s that simple, don’t fight it.

    It is never about blame or shame; it is always about experience and experiencing life right where you are and where you are nudged to go.

    It’s okay to say goodbye and still feel love and gratitude.

    Nothing is ever wasted. Every experience has a meaning in your life.

    Everything has a season—sometimes the season lasts a minute, sometimes it lasts years, but eventually there is a new season on the horizon.

    Here is the thing, if we don’t listen to the voice that is asking us to let go, then we will never know what beautiful blessings await us on the other side—in the unknown. Our minds cannot possibly conceive what lies ahead.

    I had to make room for new love and new energy, two elements I longed for daily. I had no idea what my life would look like, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that with newness comes great curiosity and joy.

    If resentment, wonder, curiosity, longing, stuckness, and boredom seem to keep circling in your mind, it’s time to take inventory and ask yourself a very hard question: Is it time to let go?

    Even if you don’t feel any “negative” feelings but feel a nudge, a knowing pushing you forward, listen and listen with your heart.

  • How to Move On: What It Really Means to Let Go

    How to Move On: What It Really Means to Let Go

    “Don’t let the darkness from your past block the light of joy in your present. What happened is done. Stop giving time to things which no longer exist, when there is so much joy to be found here and now.” ~Karen Salmansohn

    If you are lucky enough to spend time in mindful communities you will hear the phrase “letting go” used frequently. The practice of letting go is used to support our acceptance of the way things are, and I believe it’s a cornerstone of creating a happy, full life.

    But what happens when you’re being asked to let go of something that is deeply emotionally charged or something that directly relates to how you identify yourself?

    When we have a deep emotional attachment to an event or circumstance in our life and we’re being asked to let it go, it can often feel like we’re being asked to move on and forget about the past, person, or event that we’re deeply connected to. 

    In 2010 my oldest son passed away unexpectedly. At that time I had been a practicing yogi for almost ten years and had navigated what I thought were significant opportunities for practicing detachment and letting go.

    For example, during my divorce from my son’s father I let go of my long held dream of having a happy marriage, white picket fence, kids, and a dog (though I did get the kids and the dog).

    Following my divorce, when my middle son, at the young age of fourteen, had to be sent away to a drug treatment facility, I let go of the typical teenage dreams of homecomings, proms, varsity sports, and so on; after all, I wasn’t sure he would live to see those years. Not only did Daniel live through those years, he has since become a vibrant soul, who never needed all those typical experiences to thrive.

    So when my oldest son passed away while home on leave from the army I felt I had a head start in the letting go department, and therefore, I would find my way to healing more quickly. Not true.

    Some attachments are so deeply woven into the fiber of our beings they seem almost impossible to let go.

    Fortunately (but not really), we live in a culture that allows 365 days to ‘let go’ of the death of a loved one.

    After Brandon died everyone was patient, loving, kind, and willing to support me going through the first year. However, on day 366 our culture seems to think it’s time to get over it, let go, and move on.

    Even with my prior experience of letting go, it took me almost three years to really figure out what it means to let go when what you’re letting go of is an essential piece of your heart, soul, and identity.

    Below I have identified three action steps you can take to use your practice of letting go to deepen your personal growth and attract joy and happiness in your life.

    1. Future thinking—believing you can’t be happy or you’ll be happy when…

    As a bereaved parent I struggled for a long time with believing that I had ‘the right’ to be happy. I struggled with reconciling happy moments in my life (with friends or my other children) with the deep grief I felt for losing Brandon.

    Once I learned that life isn’t making a choice between the two emotions, but rather learning to balance and integrate them both into each situation, I was able to let go of my belief that I couldn’t be happy and begin to hold both feelings.

    Another way we set ourselves up for struggling with letting go is defining our happiness in terms of if-then.

    If I get the raise at work, lose ten pounds, meet my soul mate, then I’ll be happy. Those events may change certain qualities about your life, but the achievement alone doesn’t bring happiness.

    When you find yourself if-then thinking, bring your focus back to the present and appreciate what is already wonderful in your world.

    2. Past thinking—attachment to how things should be

    As we grow up we often become attached to how we think our life should be, and we create beliefs about universal truths.

    Perhaps you believed you should get a college degree, get married, have two kids, and live in the burbs. But instead you are struggling to make ends meet, don’t have a significant other, and live in your parents’ basement.

    Staying fixated on how you think your life should be focuses your attention of lack rather than abundance, and on wishful thinking instead of reality.

    Recognizing should-be thinking is a powerful way to shift our thoughts toward appreciation for what we do have, enabling us to come from a place of gratitude. Gratitude is a key element to joyful living.

    It’s harder to let go of should-be thinking when our thoughts involve universal truths. I believed, and it’s a commonly accepted truth, that children will outlive their parents. But no one ever guaranteed me that Brandon would outlive me. The universe did not break a sacred promise with me when Brandon died.

    The reality is, and I know it’s hard to hear and harder to accept, how things should be are exactly how they are right now. (I know, I don’t always like it either)

    3. Definitive thinking—believing there are some wounds you can never heal from

    Do you remember how you felt when you were twelve and your first boy/girlfriend broke your heart? It felt like a wound that would never heal! But it did, and you learned so much about love, life, and your own capacity to be resilient.

    Unfortunately, we often experience other events in our lives that feel much bigger than that and leave us with a void that feels insurmountable. Perhaps it’s abuse, or the abandonment by a parent. These types of events leave us with wounds that are carved deep into our souls and can be much more challenging to overcome than your seventh grade love.

    The human spirit has the capacity to overcome almost anything. When we let go of the thought that we can’t heal from something that has deeply wounded us, we open ourselves up to the growth potential this event holds.

    It might take a lot of time, help from professionals, and deep soulful work on our part. But healing from these types of wounds can be the most transformative and powerful things we do in our lives.

    What Letting Go Is Not

    Letting go of an ideal, thought, or experience is not some laisse-faire, woo-woo thing.

    Letting go often takes work on our part and requires us to do some introspection about what’s true and what we’re actually attached to. Neither is letting go the same as moving on without doing the work or simply forgetting about an important life-changing event or experience.

    Another important aspect to recognize about letting go is that it’s not the same as forgiving someone who has wronged you. Forgiveness is an important aspect of wholehearted living, and it’s separate from letting go of attachments that keep you from becoming the incredible individual the world needs you to be.

    Letting Go Is a Work in Progress

    Begin the practice of letting by noticing the small ways in which you let attachment create unhappiness in your life. For example, what do you do when you’re really looking forward to your morning cup of joe and realize you’re out of coffee? Or when a friend cancels a date that you’ve been looking forward to?

    Learning to let go of the things that are not serving you will free up energy and resources and you will begin to reap the benefits of a grateful, joyful life.

    Woman walking on the beach image via Shutterstock

  • One of the Happiest Moments Is…

    One of the Happiest Moments Is…

    Let Go of What You Cant Change

  • 4 Simple Steps to Freedom

    4 Simple Steps to Freedom

    Happy woman sitting on the beach

    “I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    Once upon a time my mind was filled with negative talk and self-doubt. Those thoughts were so loud I could not hear my authentic self shine through. On a deeper level I knew she existed, but I didn’t how to connect with her.

    I believed I would have to work at it, change myself, somehow be good enough so I could be free to be myself. I believed the key to happiness was figuring out how to fix everything that was wrong with me (and oh, was there a lot to fix).

    If I fixed myself, then I could enjoy life and be that free woman I always envisioned myself to be. Little did I know the key to this freedom wasn’t fixing myself at all, but realizing that the little voice coming up with all those things to fix was a big, fat liar!

    The most profound and important realization I’ve ever had came from reading a little book called A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It was that I am not my thoughts, but the awareness behind them.

    Wow. My true self is the awareness behind my thoughts, and she is always here! I have the power right now to choose from which place I act—what a magical concept! (more…)

  • How to Deal with Regret: 8 Ways to Benefit and Move Forward

    How to Deal with Regret: 8 Ways to Benefit and Move Forward

    “Stay away from what might have been and look at what can be.” ~Marsha Petrie Sue

    When I look back at some of the most painful moments of my life, I see myself sitting alone, feeling either immense shame or regret.

    It’s bizarre how we can get so offended and angry when other people hurt us and yet repeatedly choose to torture ourselves, far worse than they possibly could, through repeated mental rehashing.

    For the longest time, my biggest regret revolved around missing out on life.

    From a distance, people always thought I had everything going for me. Up close, you could see the cracks in that facade. No matter what I got, I was painfully discontent and depressed, and often isolated in fear.

    I remember my last night in NYC at twenty-five, sitting in a tiny boxed-up efficiency studio apartment that I rented in a low-income building. I’d been in the apple for two and a half years, and my greatest accomplishments were barely noticeable to anyone but myself.

    Granted, they were big ones: I’d quit smoking, formed a yoga practice, and begun the slow uphill climb to liking who I was.

    But the list of what I didn’t do often felt far more compelling: I didn’t form many real friendships, I never had a storybook NYC romance like I dreamed about, and I never even once auditioned for a play after growing up on the stage.

    I went to NYC to convince the world I was strong, then I broke into a million little pieces and, in stubborn resistance to “giving up,” spent two years trying to glue myself back together.

    For a long time I regretted that I went to the city where dreams come true and did absolutely nothing to go after mine. Then I realized something: I was not that girl anymore, and in another second, I would again be someone new.

    At any moment I could let go of the weight of who I’d been and allow myself a better chance of becoming who I wanted to be.

    What I did or didn’t do could either paralyze me further or motivate me to do something now—something not conceived in reaction to past disappointments but born completely anew from a moment of strength and empowerment. (more…)

  • Letting Go, Trusting, and Allowing Yourself to Be Happy and Free

    Letting Go, Trusting, and Allowing Yourself to Be Happy and Free

    “Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    First, let’s be clear about something…

    Surrender is not about giving up, handing power over, or failing. It is not waving the white flag of defeat.

    We are so used to striving and trying so hard for an outcome that anything outside of that formula seems like self-sabotage.

    It isn’t. In fact, surrender is the pinnacle of evolved and enlightened behavior.

    Surrender is the beautiful soft space of acceptance. It is an allowing—allowing life to unfold and to be what it is, irrespective of your agendas, expectations, and judgments.

    It’s that arms-wide-open energy that is deeply rooted in trust. Relaxing and trusting that, even though things might not seem perfect or they might not be according to your plan, that everything will turn out just the way its meant to for your highest good.

    Why do we want to embrace surrender? Because this is how we get out of our own way.

    This is how we experience a life of real freedom. Free from our limiting self-beliefs, emotional blocks, and negative self-talk—all the stuff that prevents real growth and transformation. Ultimately, preventing you from an extraordinary life—a limitless life.

    At first, the journey into surrender can be very destabilizing. Be assured, you will question it, resist, and try to force stuff to happen, but eventually, when you completely let go, you’ll discover that surrender is the space where everything starts to shift.

    Surrender allows us to step into our lives ready to receive, completely able to manifest, and willing to embrace everything—the good, the bad, and the ugly—with an open heart. It’s from this place that real magic happens.

    To really understand surrender we need to look at its opposite.

    Can you relate to any of these scenarios?

    1. Something unexpected has happened and you feel a bit down in the dumps.

    Are you comfortable with moving on quickly? Or, do you get stuck on how you believed a situation should have played out?

    Notice if you notoriously hold a grudge or can’t handle it when things don’t go to plan. The only person that suffers in this situation is you. Turning an annoying situation into a crisis doesn’t help or do anything to change it.

    2. You are working on a project that you really care about. You’ve hit a wall, a plateau.

    Do you see that as a clear sign you need to back off? Or, do you grip the reins tighter and try even harder?


    This one’s for you if you insist on doing more, going further, pushing through, even when it’s time for a breather. This type of behavior will send you straight to Stuck-ville, a place devoid of creativity and joy!

    3. In a discussion or argument, is it possible for you to admit when you are wrong, say you’re sorry, or compromise?

    Or, is it your way or no way at all?

    Take note, self-confessed control freaks and know-it-alls! This type 
of attitude is a direct route to self-sabotage. This narrow-minded behavior will block you from experiencing different perspectives and detaching from limiting ideas.

    Wouldn’t it be so incredible to be free from this energy of control, attachment, resistance, and fear? What kind of life could you live if you were limitless? Free? Wholehearted?

    In hindsight, I see that the universe has been coaxing me to let go from a very young age. I think maybe I was born holding on. To what, I’m not sure—my place in the world?

    But I do know my grip was tight. I’ve always been light-hearted and happy, but underneath that lived a layer of effort, so structured and controlled that in the end I did nothing. At a standstill, road blocking myself. Life was unnecessarily exhausting.

    Ten years ago surrender wasn’t even a concept I was familiar with, let alone one I could fathom embracing. I had no idea that I was about to embark on a master-class in surrender.

    How Do We Come to Surrender?

    There are three distinct ways that we can come to a place of surrender.

    A Lack of Control

    Sometimes you look at your life and ask yourself if you can change or leave a negative situation. When the answer you get back is a resounding no, it’s in that moment that the only thing left is acceptance.

    Honestly, that’s most of the time. We often have no control over the situation, but we do have control over what we choose to do, what we think, and how we feel—that’s surrender.

    When Everything Falls Apart

    All hell has broken loose. Crisis in its many forms, death by fire, stuff is going down. Surrender, whether you realize it or not, has come knocking on your door.

    If you don’t listen you are just going to go down in flames, figuratively speaking. Instead of armoring up, ready to fight, perhaps a deep breath and a reminder to trust will throw you safely into the arms of surrender. A more peaceful response.

    By Choice

    Through awareness, personal growth, and intuition we can invite surrender in when it comes knocking. It’s a choice made in the present moment. Seeing reality for what it is and opening up to it wholeheartedly.

    Over the last thirty-one years, I’ve been tripped up by many moments, but it’s only been in the last ten that I could almost hear the words “Surrender! Surrender!” chiming in my ears with each stumble.

    It sounds like the message had fallen on deaf ears, right? I mean, why else would it keep coming my way?

    Well, we are creatures of habit and habits are hard to break. It’s not a rip-it-off-quick type scenario. We may have to fall down a few times before the message gets through and we realize that the path we are walking is leading to a dead end.

    It wasn’t that long ago that I fell down a few times before I heard the call to surrender. I had a back injury that was preventing me from moving forward in my yoga practice. I tried to manage the injury, but really, I wasn’t listening to its call. I resisted and, of course, the injury persisted.

    Energy flows where attention goes. And my attention was certainly stuck in the limitations of my back. All I could think about was how to fix it. I was so frustrated with my body.

    Surrender finally came to me four weeks before my wedding day when I put my back out, again. I emailed my teacher to let her know I would be back soon. She replied, “Take three months off, practice at home, and break the cycle.”

    As I read her words I could feel my grip tighten on my routine, my practice, my yoga. Even then, a year after I first sustained this injury, I was still resisting and controlling.

    Bizarrely, within days, I realized her email was a divine message. So I listened. The four weeks leading up to my wedding day were the most incredible days. I practiced without rhyme or reason, I went to random yoga classes, practiced outside, or didn’t practice at all.

    The irony was, I felt stronger, more balanced, and more connected than I had in a long time. She was right. I had to surrender to break the cycle

    Today, I know that surrender is part of my divine journey. I am still on the surrender train. I don’t think I will ever stop learning, nor will you.

    The beauty, though, is that now I know what surrender looks like, how it feels and fits in my body, what size and shape I can wear comfortably.

    I now know that letting go—right in those moments when I really don’t want to—is always right for me, so I respond faster when I hear the call. I know that the life I truly want—limitless, free, and abundant—comes from that space of pure, openhearted surrender.

    It’s from that rich territory of surrender that we finally let go of the limiting energy of control and force.

    And when we aren’t controlling, we have completely stepped out of our own way. We are ready to receive, to tap into the abundant possibilities available to us, and to manifest a life free from restraint and restrictions.

  • Create Solutions, Not Resolutions

    Create Solutions, Not Resolutions

    New Day

    “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    With the New Year approaching, resolutions are on everyone’s mind.

    I’ve never liked the word “resolution.” As defined in the dictionary, resolution means “a firm decision to do or not do something,” and anyone who’s ever done, well, anything knows that life rarely works like that.

    I prefer to think of my January decisions as New Year’s solutions. Defined in the dictionary as “a means of solving a problem or dealing with a difficult situation,” solutions are useful and practical. Thinking about them now helps us find peace in whatever may happen in the year ahead.

    The best solution I can think of, and one that is especially helpful after the excess of the holiday season, is letting go.

    I often hear stories from people who decide at the beginning of a year that this will be the one when they’ll be able to fix their bodies.

    They want to “fix” themselves; they want to look like their high school pictures or their super fit best friends or whoever’s on the cover of Vogue.

    My feedback for all who are constricted by a negative diet mentality: let go.

    This seems counterintuitive, ironic, cruel, and maybe even ridiculous. You’ve just connected with a powerful desire about what you want your life to be like, and now I’m going to tell you that you have to move forward completely unattached to the outcome of whether you’ll get the life you want and will now be working toward.

    The crux of this philosophy is that in order to get that which we want, we must let go of our need and desire for it.

    This may sound impossible, unattainable, and completely contradictory; however, this is where freedom lies.

    I know firsthand that letting go is the path to freedom and joy. My struggle with weight started when I was a toddler. When I got older, I thought that if I could only lose the extra weight, I would be happy.

    I did lose the weight—a hundred pounds—between my twenty-fourth and twenty-fifth birthdays. I had finally achieved what I thought was my goal; I was thin, so I should be happy, right?

    I was more miserable than ever. I was so worried about gaining the weight back, so scared that I might relapse, that I couldn’t enjoy my newfound health.

    I was stuck living in fear that the future would not be what I wanted, that I would lose control, that my hard work would be for naught.

    It was only when I figured out how to live in the present, how to be focus on the now and not concern myself with worrying about things that had not even yet happened, that I was able to be happy.

    After learning to do that, not only was I content for the first time in my life, but I also was able to keep the weight off without worrying about it. I have kept that a hundred pounds off for twenty-four years.

    We achieve the life we desire when we begin living for the moment, in the moment, and because of the moment. Finding happiness in this New Year will not be an outcome or a result. It is doing; it is being.

    How can your foster this way of being in your life? It begins with looking at those things we desire most and finding the bliss in working toward them in the present—not in achieving them in the future.

    Achievement is still the goal, but ironically, you only get there by letting go of the need for it. (more…)

  • 3 Steps to Make a Bad Day Good

    3 Steps to Make a Bad Day Good

    “To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.” ~Chuang-Tzu

    The beauty of life is that we constantly have the opportunity to change it.

    We always have the power to recreate it. We can change our thoughts, remember how to live instead of planning each moment, forgive the past, be present for the now, slow down the speed, and push the reset button on a day that has escaped us.

    I recently had one of those days.

    This past Saturday was wonderful, or so I thought it would be when I woke up.

    I’d been invited to a traditional Cambodian, Vietnamese Wedding, and was excited to attend. Although I didn’t know the bride or the groom, I would be the guest of a good friend.

    I had a couple of mishaps that morning that caused me to be late. First, I spent thirty minutes with my younger sister, peeling a wad of gum off the heels she’d borrowed from me the night before—the ones I planned to wear to the wedding in the next hour.

    I half-sprinted without make-up to my car, holding a coffee that later spilled all over the front seat.

    I arrived to the ceremony fifteen minutes late. I quickly made my way toward the front door of the home. A room full of women in vibrant, traditional Asian clothing greeted me inside.

    I introduced myself to a couple as a guest of Sophya, a good friend of mine. They just looked at me blankly, perhaps unsure who she was, and didn’t really respond.

    I made my way to the nearby couch where a small group of kids were playing to wait for Sophya there. After getting lost in Legos for twenty minutes, I heard Sophya calling me from another room. (more…)

  • Forgive So That You Can Let Go

    Forgive So That You Can Let Go

    “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boese

    I have been heart-broken far longer than I think anyone should ever be.  When my relationship ended, like a rock star, I blazed through the “mourning period” and bypassed the “become a new person” phase, then promptly got completely lost.

    I kept busy; went out with friends, watched movies, learned to cook, and invested in retail therapy. But I never actually let go. I felt it was impossible to move on. It’s been three years.

    At my worst, I’d remember moments with vivid intensity. Real moments like the way my arm felt draped across his chest at night and imaginary ones of an alternate reality where we were still together. Truly believing that my happiness was intertwined in that relationship, I was certain that he would come back.

    To pass the time I dated casually, but no one measured up; and I chased away the ones who did by placing them in the shadow of someone who could do no wrong.

    I looked for fulfillment in other areas of my life. My love of the outdoors led me to a 42km (25 mile) hike along the Inca Trail, where I touched a piece of history at Machu Picchu.

    And the traveling didn’t stop there. I ran around the world to: China, Cambodia, Thailand, Vietnam, England, France, Bonaire, and Jamaica; trading my savings account for experiences that I hoped would fill a void (the size of which I had severely underestimated). (more…)

  • 4 Steps to Deal with Disappointment

    4 Steps to Deal with Disappointment

    “Don’t let today’s disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dreams.” ~Unknown

    For me, disappointment is one of life’s most uncomfortable feelings. It’s complex, containing a subset of other emotions like anger, hurt, sadness, and probably many others too subtle to identify.

    Sometimes, those emotions by themselves are easier to deal with, but disappointment can leave me at a loose end.

    I might not be sure whether I should feel angry, or just impatiently wish that I would hurry up and get over it. Disappointment can hover at the front of your mind and niggle at the back, bringing you a grey perspective on life, even if you’re trying to forget about it. (more…)

  • The Right Direction: Releasing the Past and Getting Unstuck

    The Right Direction: Releasing the Past and Getting Unstuck

    Man Walking Alone

    “If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” ~Proverb

    It’s been a year since I stumbled upon Tiny Buddha. At the time I was in a difficult place, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

    I felt as if life was pointless and that there was nothing for me in the world: no room, no hope, no opportunity, no relief from the chronic tiredness and pain, and no love. I’d given up.

    I spent my days staring at the walls and at my computer, trying to find something to make me feel better, to feel anything at all, but nothing showed up.

    That was my ongoing experience, after all: nothing and nobody showed up to save me.

    After seeing a quote on Twitter, I stumbled upon some of the posts about happiness. They showed me that I was allowed to have fun and experience joy.

    They taught me that I didn’t have to relive a childhood that was painful and traumatic. Instead, I could live the life I’d always dreamed of since I was that lost, hurt, and lonely child; I could live it now as an adult.

    The more I read, the more I started to let go of my victim mentality. I suffered a lot of mental and emotional abuse when I was young, much of it secret and still not revealed even to my family. But as I lost myself in other people’s wisdom, I opened myself up to that past and came to terms with it.

    It’s taken a long time to do that, and it’s something I still do. Every day, I let go of something and move on from it.

    It wasn’t long before I saw that I could write for Tiny Buddha. It took me days to hit send on that email because it felt like a major risk. But I felt determined to put myself out there, hoping that someone would recognize the good that I felt certain was in me somewhere.

    This one little step was the beginning of change. (more…)

  • How to Stop Playing the Blame Game

    How to Stop Playing the Blame Game

    “Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    The most common conversation I have with other people includes the blame game.

    The one where your job, your wife, your dog, your mother-in-law, your neighbor six doors down, the media, the government, the receptionist at your doctor’s office, or the dressmaker who measured you wrong is somehow responsible for the problems you’re having.

    I too played the blame game.

    I intentionally left a marriage that I was very unhappy in and then blamed him for everything. My finances, my unhappiness, my fluctuating weight, my broken-down car, and even my bad hair day were all entirely his fault.

    It was then I had that an “aha” moment. I sat there thinking about the blame game wondering, “If games are supposed to be fun, then why is this one keeping me in such a bad place?”

    Right then, I made the conscious decision—just like I had left my marriage—that I was going to leave this game behind, too.

    I sat down, took a long deep breath, and thought about the ways I’d contributed to my own unhappiness. Once I came up with one way, countless others seemed to follow.

    In that moment, I realized I was blatantly ignoring vital life lessons. It wasn’t just my ex’s fault; it was my fault, too.

    I believe we are here to learn lessons. Once we learn a lesson we move on to the next one. However, if we fail to learn a lesson, we keep finding opportunities to learn it again and again. (more…)

  • Letting Go and Moving On: Lessons from an Orange Tree

    Letting Go and Moving On: Lessons from an Orange Tree

    “Don’t let today’s disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dreams.” ~Unknown

    For the past few days, I have been thinking about my orange tree. Every year, we ignore it completely, and it generously gives us bounteous amounts of sweet oranges. It is so very forgiving of our utter lack of support.

    Yet this year, the oranges are bitter; even the squirrels toss them away.

    Right now, the tree has oranges on the branches and fresh new blooms all over it, as well. I guess we should pick the oranges to make room for the new, but it hasn’t been on the to-do list yet.

    What keeps occurring to me is the faith of this twenty-year-old tree. It doesn’t seem to be in mourning for the bitter oranges. It is filled with optimism about the future—abundant with sweet smelling blossoms.

    I believe it isn’t questioning what it did wrong or blaming us for not being better stewards. It is just living, moving forward, and being a tree, preparing for the sweet fruit to come.

    What a lesson this is for me. How often I have given all of my focus to my “bitter oranges.” How easy it has been to hold tightly to the times I have felt misunderstood, unsupported, unseen. I’ve dissected every membrane of each orange, looking for reasons, for answers, for justification.

    A business relationship that failed, broken apart by different expectations and a lack of honest communication. A family relationship frayed by differing values. A friend who discounts my viewpoint. I have so tightly held to my hurt, my indignation, my shame. I filled my basket with these bitter oranges and carried them with me everywhere I traveled. A heavy load, indeed.

    I have not noticed that all around me are new blooms, ready to make new oranges. I could not see the possibilities of new relationships, based on what I had learned from the past.

    I could not separate my love for my family from my feelings of being seen as wrong. I didn’t meet the new friends, ready to offer support and fun; I was too busy being wounded—holding my bitter oranges. I have not noticed that there are so many more new blooms than there is bitter fruit.

    The bitter oranges are history, and who really cares? The sweet white soft buds of beginnings are the future and that is what I choose to care about. Their soft perfumed fragrance calls to me and lifts my spirit, reminding me of delicious things still to come.

    I’m so glad I have such a sage living in my back yard, ready to teach. I just need to be quiet and listen. And maybe honor it by removing the bitter oranges!

    Photo by Ronnie Mcdonald