Tiny Buddha

Tag: judgment

  • Why Judging People Makes Us Unhappy

    Why Judging People Makes Us Unhappy

    “It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    A friend of mine likes to joke that dying will be a relief because it will put an end to the “heavy burden of judging,” as she calls it. She envisions herself lying in a hospital bed and, moments before death, noticing the ceiling and thinking, “What a hideous green.”

    Here’s a modest proposal: Vow that for the rest of the day, you won’t judge your friends and you won’t judge any strangers you happen to see. This would include a friend who’s a non-stop talker; it would include a friend who’s always complaining about his life. It would include the strangers you pass on the street or see in a waiting room.

    I call it a modest proposal because I’m not even addressing the issue of self-judgment, let alone BP or Gaddafi. No. I’m just asking you not to judge friends or strangers.

    It’s entirely possible you won’t make it past a few minutes without judging someone!

    So, why not just judge away?

    To answer that, let me start by drawing a distinction between judgment and discernment.

    Discernment means perceiving the way things are, period.

    Judgment is what we add to discernment when we make a comparison (implicit or explicit) between how things or people are and how we think they ought to be. So, in judgment, there’s an element of dissatisfaction with the way things are and a desire to have things be the way we want them to be. (more…)

  • How to Help Someone Who Won’t Help Themselves

    How to Help Someone Who Won’t Help Themselves

    “We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.” ~Pema Chodron

    Recently I got into a hypothetical conversation with someone who very quickly turned hostile and accusatory. Let’s call her Jane. My first instinct was to get defensive, but then I realized this subject was quite raw for Jane, and there was likely something going on below the surface.

    Usually when people are combative seemingly without cause, there’s some underlying pain fueling it.

    As we got to the root of things, I learned that Jane was holding onto anger toward someone she once loved, and she felt a strong, driving need to convince people that this other person was wrong.

    Since she acknowledged that she’d been feeling depressed, lonely, and helpless, I felt obligated to at least try to help her see things from a different perspective. But that ultimately proved futile.

    She was committed to being angry and hurt, and all she wanted from me was validation that she was justified.

    I kept thinking back to how I felt at eighteen years old, reliving scenes of adolescent abuse that I refused to let go of well into my twenties. I spent years stewing in anger because I felt like a victim, and any threat to that comforting sense of righteousness only made me angrier.

    Remembering how badly and unnecessarily I hurt myself, it felt imperative that I help her let go. I wanted to help her get out of her own way. I wanted her to do what I had failed to do for far too long.

    Seeing that stubborn, bitter commitment to pain reminded me of how angry I was with myself when I realized I’d hurt myself far worse than anyone else—and how ashamed I felt when I realized I enjoyed being a victim, receiving pity, attention, and (what felt like) love.

    Suddenly I recognized that I wasn’t just trying to help Jane; I was also judging my former self. (more…)

  • 3 Causes for Judging People (And How to Accept Yourself)

    3 Causes for Judging People (And How to Accept Yourself)

    “If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” ~Pema Chodron

    Every person you meet has something special to give you—that is, if you are open to receiving it.

    Each encounter offers you the gift of greater self-awareness by illustrating what you do and don’t accept about yourself. An honest look will show you that the reactions you have to others give you more information about yourself than about them.

    You can never know for sure what motivates other people, but you can learn what you are accepting or judging in yourself.

    For instance, if someone makes a remark about you and it’s something you also judge in yourself, it will most likely hurt. However, if they make the same remark and you don’t have that judgment about yourself, it probably won’t bother you at all.

    I once visited a new friend’s house and everyone in the family was shorter than me. Since I’m the shortest person in my family, I never felt too tall.

    When my friend’s mother met me at the door and said with a slightly disappointed tone, “Oh, you are so tall,” it didn’t affect me. I was aware that she had some discomfort with my height, but I didn’t take it personally.

    However, had she been tall and said, “Oh, you are so short,” it probably would have pushed my buttons, since I do feel somewhat short.

    This point is valid for almost any interaction imaginable: Reactions always have to do with our own self-judgments and feelings of inadequacy or strength, not the other person.

    Most judgments of others stem from one of three basic causes: (more…)

  • 5 Ways to Create Random Acts of Love

    5 Ways to Create Random Acts of Love

    “Practice random beauty and senseless acts of love.” ~Unknown

    I recently decided to reverse the order of common sense, and senselessly follow my heart through an unplanned acts of kindness. After I made the choice, it was amazing how the world changed before my very eyes.

    No longer was I fixated on how quickly I move through the events of my day. With my new focus, people began to shape shift from task zombies to loving beings.

    One situation in particular really humbled me to the true power of random acts of love.

    I was riding a train from LA to San Diego. As the train started I engaged the man sitting next to me in casual conversation. When he told me where he was going, a huge red flag went off in my head. It read DANGER.

    Eerily cold and calculating, he said he was going to an ex-girlfriend’s house, unannounced, to place a tracker in her glove box so he’d know where she is day and night. Then he pointed out an ankle bracelet that lets his probation officer know where he is at all times.

    Taking this train ride would violate his parole, putting him back in the system. He didn’t care. Being on the outside, he said, was meaningless any way.

    I was just about to move seats. Instead, I assessed the situation to see whether it was a conditioned fear response or if I was actually in a safe place. I did an intuitive check in my heart, and felt I was safe and had something to offer this man. I surrendered to what that may be and sat tight.

    Let me preface this with a disclaimer: I’m not recommending you seek out criminals on trains to brighten their days, potentially putting yourself in danger. I’m suggesting you learn to be present so you can receive  inner guidance that may affect other people positively. (more…)

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Love

    Tiny Wisdom: On Love

    “Love is loving things that sometimes you don’t like.” ~Ajahn Brahm

    The most challenging part of relationships is learning to accept people for who they are—knowing all their quirks, insecurities, and weaknesses and choosing to simply let them be.

    Psychologists suggest that once we form an idea, we develop an emotional attachment that makes it extremely difficult to abandon it. We feel convinced that our way is the right way and feel an imperative to sway other people accordingly, particularly people who are close to us.

    The irony is that this tends to push people further away. It’s hard to feel loved when you feel judged.

    Today, resist the urge to “fix” people around you (unless, of course, someone is legitimately unsafe).

    If there’s one thing we all want, it’s to feel fully accepted, inadequacies and all. We want permission to stop judging ourselves and just be. Put that kind of love out there and you may be surprised to notice it coming back to you.

    Photo here

  • Undecide

    Undecide

    Open Door

    “Open minds lead to open doors.” ~Unknown

    We start forming opinions at an early age and continue all through life.

    We decide what we think is right and wrong, what’s good and what’s bad—not just on a larger scale (religion, politics, ethics) but also in every-day interactions.

    How people should act. What people should think in certain situations. What it’s okay to feel and express, and when it’s smart or polite to do so.

    We develop ideas about how the world should be to support our beliefs and views—things we learned from our environment and experiences—and inevitably feel a sense of internal conflict when a person or situation doesn’t fall in line.

    They won’t always. In fact, they won’t more often than they will.

    Sometimes our opinions have nothing to do with fact, logic, or common sense. It’s just a matter of what feels right, what our gut tells us, because our gut’s always right. Isn’t that what we’ve been told? To trust our instincts against all odds? We don’t often stop to consider what educated our gut; when we learned what to trust and what to fear.

    That’s usually what it comes down to. What’s familiar and safe and supports our sense of order versus what’s unknown and unpredictable and reminds us of how little we can control. (more…)

  • The Kindest Thing You Can Do for Someone Else

    The Kindest Thing You Can Do for Someone Else

    Kindness

    “The kindest thing you can do for someone else is listen without forming an opinion.” ~Lori Deschene

    I was standing on Tremont St. looking for a cab, feeling euphoric after a fun night on the town. I had a couple glasses of wine—okay, several glasses of wine—so I was a little buzzed on top of that.

    This guy walked by me with a dog, both looking scraggly and unfortunate. He asked me if I could spare some change.

    I immediately said, “Sorry I can’t.” He’d probably just spend it on booze, I figured. That’s what they all do, right? Then I started thinking about the dog. He didn’t have a choice in all this. Maybe he’d benefit if I sucked it up and pulled out a few bucks.

    I realized I was standing right near a bus line that goes down my street and decided to re-purpose my cab money. So I pulled the guy over, saying, “Wait. That’s a lie. I know you probably really need it.”

    I looked in my wallet and took out a five, and he actually said, “Wow!” with tears welling up in his eyes. Damn. He had to go and show his humanity. Suddenly I felt horrible. I wasn’t being kind and generous. I was being judgmental and condescending while pretending to be a hero. (more…)