Tiny Buddha

Tag: introvert

  • 4 Ways Introverts Can Super-Charge Their Happiness

    4 Ways Introverts Can Super-Charge Their Happiness

    Introvert

    “Solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe.” ~Susan Cain

    Do you get ticked off too?

    I mean, when people say you’re awkward, naive, and anti-social.

    Your feelings get bruised, and then you find yourself drowning in a sea of unhappiness.

    All you want is to be normal. To be accepted and to fit in. The more social you try to be, the more uhappy you get.

    You’ve worn all the right masks to be normal, but it seems all your efforts aren’t good enough.

    Well, I know that feeling all too well, unfortunately.

    How Trying to Fit in Made Me Unhappy for Years

    I was six years old when I joined the school dance team because I wanted to be like my friends. Long hours of practice replaced my alone time. It was rough. But all I wanted was to fit in and belong.

    I should have known public dancing wasn’t for me. I panicked during the audition, and all I wanted was to crawl under a chair. I stood frozen in fear the entire time.

    And boy, that didn’t go to well. No matter what I said to appease the teacher, she yelled and banned me from the school dance team.

    In college, I was embarrassed to tell my friends I would rather stay in than go out in loud and busy places.

    So, I followed my friends for adventures. It was okay for a few hours, but then I would take frequent bathroom breaks for quiet moments and to hear my own thoughts.

    I pushed too hard to hang out every weekend. By the end of the day, I felt like I had been in a marathon that I didn’t sign up for.

    After college, I ached to belong and be accepted. I always said yes, even when I wanted to say no, just to please others.

    A friend suggested we (including her nanny and child) rent a bigger house together and split the costs, which meant we would pay less than we were paying to live separately, and we’d enjoy living in a better neighborhood.

    Soon after we moved in together, her siblings moved in and took over the house. I was miserable. The house was crowded and noisy. There was no space for solitude.

    This invasion of space built lots of tension, so I moved out, and doing so ruined our relationship.

    I tried to explain, but I was misunderstood. I was left confused that my friend didn’t understand my need for quiet space. All I wanted was to have a happy friend who understood me.

    I stumbled upon personality types in my twenties and learned about the differences between introverts and extroverts. I finally realized nothing was wrong with me. I realized I was an introvert, and I learned that us introverts often feel isolated and misunderstood by society.

    After I understood myself, I stopped working so hard to fit in and please people. I was finally content just being myself.

    Knowing I was introverted empowered me to stand up for myself and overcome some of the roadblocks to my happiness. You can do this too.

    1. Focus on your strengths.

    Introverts tend to focus on their weaknesses, like not being good at small talk, and some beat themselves up trying to fix them.

    They might desire to be more talkative and outgoing, so they promise themselves the next time they go out, they’ll strike up a conversation. Or they promise in the next office meeting to voice their opinion. But when the moment comes, they back out and feel disappointed with themselves.

    I knew I was self-conscious when I danced, but I felt it was something I needed to fix. That’s why I kept signing up for dance teams, even while knowing that they’d just make me want to crawl under a chair.

    Are you focusing on your weaknesses and sinking in the sea of unhappiness?

    So what if you’re not the best at small talk? You have plenty of other positive qualities that you should be proud of—having a strong conscience, drawing energy from deep conversation, and being empathetic.

    Take fifteen minutes to just think about all the qualities you like about yourself. Jot them down. You might realize you have more positive qualities than you give yourself credit for.

    2. Socialize selectively.

    Shy introverts want to fit in, so they push their limit by attending parties out of their comfort zone.

    In college, my friends handled going out every weekend with ease. I followed my friends to parties I didn’t even care about, only to be left overwhelmed by all the noise and small talk.

    I started suppressing the feelings and struggled to toughen up. Doing so left me swinging back and forth, from happy to unhappy.

    Does that sound familiar?

    Trust your feelings to guide you. Learn to stop and retreat when you feel over-stimulated.

    You should only socialize in ways you feel comfortable with.

    Maybe having a small group of friends over for dinner is better suited to you. Maybe you know a couple of quieter cafes that you like and can refuse invitations to places you dislike.

    And maybe, if you do want to step out of your social comfort zone a bit, you should feel free doing so, but you should also feel free to go home when you feel over-stimulated.

    3. Honor your quiet time.

    Most introverts need their alone time. It makes them feel at ease and can help them catch their breath between social events. However, many introverts neglect this need.

    I used to say yes to every request I got, such as school sports kiosk, fundraising events, and baby showers. I wanted to fit in and was afraid of missing out on what was happening, but that only exhausted me.

    All that stopped when I understood I was wired differently and deserved to pamper myself with some quiet time.

    Honor your quiet time, and consider it as an investment.

    It’s okay to retreat for some nourishment and recharging. This sounds selfish, but it’s not. You cannot serve others well if you cannot care for yourself.

    4. Seek out kindred spirits.

    Most introverts have those friends who make them feel different and alone because not all understand the nature of introverts.

    They might try to bring you into the conversation when you’re content just listening. They might try to “help” you be more social and talkative. Or they might constantly ask why you’re being so quiet.

    I had such friends, and the more I tried to make them happy, the unhappier I got.

    I finally rocked my own boat. I no longer bent over backward to fit in, and I just expected people to respect me for who I was. Some fell overboard, but those who really understood me stayed.

    So, seek out support of kindred spirits who understand the uniqueness of each person.

    And because they understand other personalities, they already know how to manage and treat others.

    They will make you feel comfortable just being you around them. And you don’t have to try and fit in because they understand you and accept you for who you are.

    Time To Feel Complete

    Stop trying to fit in by changing your personality to match others because you’ll only make yourself unhappy.

    Instead, try to find people who will accept you for the introverted spirit you are.

    Remember, you’re not alone. Some historic figures such as Martin Luther King and Steve Jobs were introverts and happy too.

    You can be happier too if you focus on your strengths and accept yourself for who you are instead of trying to fit into someone else’s mold.

    Embrace your introversion.

    And spread your happiness to the world.

    Introvert image via Shutterstock

  • Accepting Yourself as an Introvert and Loving Your Inner Tortoise

    Accepting Yourself as an Introvert and Loving Your Inner Tortoise

    tortoise

    “We can’t underestimate the value of silence. We need to create ourselves, need to spend time alone. If you don’t, you risk not knowing yourself and not realizing your dreams.” ~Jewel

    Tortoises are out of fashion. They are no longer the wise ones, taking one patient step after another, coming out victorious in the end. Today, they are the ones who can’t cross the road fast enough, the ones most likely to get hit by a car.

    There is shame involved in being a tortoise.

    And so I have spent a considerable chunk of my life trying to turn into an extroverted hare, coming up with rationalizations for why I am not, most definitely not, an introverted tortoise.

    For one, I don’t move slowly. In fact, I love to dance. I am quick in perceiving and understanding what people say and mean. I am not slow-witted.

    But these explanations don’t quite cover what it means to be a tortoise—how their rhythms are slow and deep, how they enjoy taking in the scenery instead of rushing past, how they need the shell that protects their most vulnerable, precious self.

    As introverts, it’s easy for us to get alienated from our own nature because of the extrovert bias in the culture at large. So, how do we reconnect with and start celebrating ourselves? It starts with self-awareness and living our own truths.

    The Way We Manage Energy

    As opposed to extroverts who turn to other people to recharge and renew themselves, too much interaction saps our energy. Introverts turn inward and need quiet spaces to recharge. This is why we turn to nature, to prayer, to solitary hobbies.

    We already know this from our own experience. What we often struggle with is the validity of this preference for time alone. I’ve wrestled with this too, thinking that there is something wrong with me if I am not excited about going to a party or socializing at the end of a hectic day.

    It’s only recently that I’ve begun to let go of this internal dialogue. By going deeper into my own creativity—writing more, doing photography—I’ve realized that what I am actually lonely for is a connection with myself. When I’m taking a photograph, for example, I feel present and whole.

    Engaging in activities that make us happy helps us focus on all that is right with us, instead of wondering whether we are faulty.

    As introverts, we need to start giving ourselves permission to go deeper into our own nature. If building legos, reading books, or watching birds gives us joy, that’s what we should be doing instead of going along with what other people think is fun.

    It might be fun for them, but is it fun for us?

    Another thing that I’ve learned is that although I need time alone, not all interactions affect my energy in the same way. While many social interactions leave me feeling depleted, there are some that have the opposite effect.  In her wonderful book, The Introvert’s Way, Sophia Dembling discusses this with Cognitive scientist Jennifer Grimes.

    Grimes says that the real issue is not how much energy we put in a situation, but whether we get an adequate return on this energy investment.

    She says, “There are people who like to invest a lot of energy and get a lot back. Some people don’t want to invest a lot and don’t expect a lot back. The people who are deemed the extroverts in pop literature, the people who are social butterflies, what they get back on an interpersonal level is sufficient for them.”

    As introverts, we need to be aware of this. While small talk is draining for us, meaningful conversations are energizing. They require us to expend energy, but they also give us energy back.

    Haven’t we all talked for hours about something we are passionate about, and been at a loss about what to say when we are talking politely with an acquaintance?

    The Rhythms of Social Conversation

    As an introvert, social conversations can be a challenge for me. I didn’t realize earlier that one of the reasons for this is the difference in the rhythms of how introverts and extroverts communicate.

    When we are asked a question, introverts usually pause to think about it before replying. We need this space to formulate our answers. This is different from extroverts, who formulate their answers while talking.

    Because of this difference, when we are silent, extroverts can perceive this as meaning that we have nothing to say and rush in with their own thoughts. And while they are talking, we can’t think. This dynamic renders introverts mute.

    For me, understanding this has been extremely important. Instead of getting frustrated that I didn’t get a chance to speak, I’ve started responding differently. By showing the other person that I am still thinking by providing visual cues (like furrowing my brows), I hold my ground better in a conversation.

    I’ve also started letting myself interrupt the other person. And in the case of those people who are extreme talkers, I’ve understood that it’s okay to disengage and simply walk away. By doing these things, I’ve created more space and freedom in my interactions.

    While understanding this basic difference between extroverts and introverts is important, we also need to be aware of the mistakes we can inadvertently make in social situations. One of these is being too quiet in a new group setting. Introverts don’t realize that it is the silent person in the group who gains more and more power as the conversation goes on.

    Elaine Aron talks about this dynamic in her wonderful book The Highly Sensitive Person. She says that if we remain silent in a new group, other people can be left wondering if we are judging them, unhappy about being part of the group, or even thinking of leaving the group. As a defence mechanism, the group might reject us before we have a chance to reject them.

    So, in a new group, it becomes extremely important for introverts to communicate what they are thinking, even if it is just to say that we are happy to listen and will speak up when we have something to say.

    The Focus on all That’s Right with Us

    As introverts, most of us have heard messages about all the things that are wrong with us. We are too intense, too solitary, not fun enough.

    What’s wrong with thinking deeply? What’s wrong with solitude? What’s wrong with enjoying one-on-one conversations instead of a big party? And fun according to whom?

    Once we give ourselves permission to ask these questions, we can also start seeing our own strengths more clearly. What the culture considers an aberration is what makes the best part of us.

    Thinking deeply gives us new insights. It helps us see new relationships between things. The solitude we love is also the springboard for our creativity. It gives us the chance to imagine and re-imagine our world.

    Aren’t these all amazing things?

    As introverts, connecting with our essence is what will help us actualize our talents. Not acting like an extrovert. I am sure it’s great to be a hare, but not if you are a tortoise.

    Photo by Lee Ruk

  • How to Really Embrace Yourself (Even in the Face of Criticism)

    How to Really Embrace Yourself (Even in the Face of Criticism)

    Arms Open

    “Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown

    Sitting at a party minding my own business, I wasn’t expecting it. I had no reason to. A comment filled with sarcasm and authority shot out at me from a across the room.

    “Shut up Kathryn.”

    It hit me like a bullet aimed straight at my heart.

    I wasn’t even aware I was being particularly quiet. I was simply being me. Taking in my surroundings, quietly observing, listening to the conversations that encircled me.

    But someone had noticed I was in a quiet mood. And for reasons that I will never fathom, they felt the need to bring it the attention of the entire room.

    “Shut up Kathryn,” they smirked.

    The comment instantly consumed my thoughts as all eyes turned toward me and sniggers of laughter filtered through the room. As my mind went fuzzy, I grappled for an appropriate response.

    But what possible response is there?

    As my insecurities were highlighted to anyone who would listen, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Right there and then.

    They thought they were being funny. But I found little to laugh about. The pricks of tears welled up as I fought hard to push the pain away, deep inside me. But I had to play along. Had to pretend. Had to smile. Had to laugh. As if all was okay.

    But it really, really wasn’t.

    And when I got home I cried. Then I cried some more.

    I was haunted by three little words that represented everything I felt insecure about: my quiet nature. My introversion. My shyness. The things that I wished I didn’t have to deal with. The things I wished I could change.

    When I look back at that day as a teenager, I want to comfort my younger self. To hold her close and whisper in to her ear that it will all be okay. To tell her that she will look back at this day and gain strength from it.

    That she will learn to grow, embrace herself for who she is, and feel so empowered; that even though she didn’t dare share her feelings with anyone at the time, as an adult she will find the courage to share this story with you today.

    To really embrace your natural persona, to live life in a way that’s completely and utterly true to who you are, and to let go of the words of the critics that may shroud your thoughts, here are three pieces of advice that have worked beautifully for me and which I hold close, if ever I falter.

    Surround yourself with support.

    Here’s the thing—you aren’t on your own. We all have insecurities, we all face challenges in our lives, and we can all find support if we reach out for it.

    Move yourself away from the critics and release their scathing comments from your world. They come from people with their own troubles and you don’t need them in your life.

    Instead, surround yourself with the people who make you feel alive—who provide you with support, inspiration, and words of encouragement.

    And then turn to these people in times of need. They are the ones you will help you grow, thrive, and learn to love every inch of who you are.

    Work out where you shine.

    We are all born with wonderful strengths that, if used on a daily basis, can help us find our true calling.

    Give yourself the time and space to reflect and then begin to develop a self-awareness and understanding of situations where you feel completely content and comfortable.

    These are the moments when you are in ‘flow’—when life feels easy as you start doing the stuff that you were born to do.

    By bringing more of these moments into your life, your confidence in your abilities will flourish and your insecurities over time will fade.

    Listen to your body and give it what it needs.

    I truly believe we all need to listen to our bodies more. If you start your day feeling exhausted and drained, then think about what that means.

    You are only human, so give yourself a break. If you feel like resting, then rest. If you crave time and space by yourself, then don’t feel guilty about turning down an invitation to go out with friends.

    Nurture your mind, body, and spirit in whatever way it craves, and your strength will surely grow.

    Learning to embrace yourself is a journey that can hold many challenges. And if you’ve had to face unhelpful criticism or scathing comments throughout your life, then it can be all the more tricky.

    But do you know what? There are amazing ways that you can help yourself and find peace with who you are.

    You’ve just got to give yourself the time to grow.

    Photo by pshegubj

  • Balancing Social Time and Solitude: How to Find Your Golden Ratio

    Balancing Social Time and Solitude: How to Find Your Golden Ratio

    “A wise man makes his own decisions; an ignorant man follows public opinion.” ~Chinese Proverb

    I’d like you to ask yourself a simple question: Do you know if you’re an introvert or an extrovert?

    If you’re uncertain of the answer, you might accidentally be draining your energy with too much time spent socializing, or boring yourself to death with too much time spent in solitude.

    Extroverts get energized by large groups of people and lots of external stimulation, whereas introverts energize themselves when they have time for themselves in low stimulus environments.

    Understanding your social type can make a huge positive impact on the quality of your life.

    My College Years as an Introvert

    Back in the days when I didn’t understand my introverted tendencies, I used to think that there was something wrong with me.

    Attending college in the U.S. was pretty confusing for a typical introvert coming from Finland.

    There was a whole lot more partying and socializing going on that I was used to.

    At times this environment was very exhausting for me since it didn’t fit my personality that well.

    I went to bars and parties just like any other student, but I wasn’t always able to enjoy myself while there.

    I remember one incident when my girlfriend, at the time, got mad at me because I looked miserable at one of the parties we were attending.

    Of course, I wanted to fit in so I tried forcing myself to be more extroverted from there on.

    That never really worked out.

    I found it incredibly tough and draining to try to sell myself as an extrovert. The approach clearly wasn’t working for me.

    It became obvious that something had to change. And since faking extroversion wasn’t really working for me, I began spending more time alone.

    I discovered that taking time for myself was working pretty well, especially after days that had been full of socializing.

    But soon I began realizing the drawbacks of this approach as well. I noticed myself drifting into bad moods after too much time spent in solitude.

    I had moved from one extreme, of accepting all party invitations, to declining the majority of them. Neither extreme worked well for me.

    This is when I first realized that I needed to find a good balance between the two approaches.

    I learned a lot about myself during those years. I’m now able to arrange my ratio better between solitude and my social life. (more…)