Tag: intimate

Why People-Pleasers Lie and What We Gain When We Share Our Truth

“You’re a liar. People-pleasers are liars,” a friend said to me. I felt like I was punched in the gut. “You say yes when you mean no. You say it’s okay when it’s not okay.” My friend challenged me, “In your gentle way, begin to be more honest.”

I believed the lie that pleasing people would make my relationships better. It didn’t.

I decided to take my friend’s challenge to tell the truth. People didn’t have a relationship with me; they had a relationship with another version of someone else. They didn’t know me.

People-pleasing was safe; it was how I hid and protected myself so I could belong. Besides wanting to belong, pleasing-people is a bargain for love. If I kept people happy, I believed I would be loved. If I took care of others, I believed I would be loved.

Showing up differently in relationships is like learning a new dance. You may feel clumsy and awkward at first, but the old dance, while comfortable, is unhealthy. The old dance creates overwhelm, frustration, and resentment.

I am now a recovering people-pleaser. My journey started when I faced the truth that I was a liar. The first step in change begins with self-awareness. Once you are aware, you can learn new dance steps. The new dance looked like saying no, tolerating less, and telling my truth.

As I told the truth, here’s what I noticed in my relationships:

First, I experienced true intimacy.

As I was more engaged in being honest, others began to know me, not a fake version of me.

In his book, Seven Levels of Intimacy, Matthew Kelly describes intimacy as “In-to-me-see.” I started saying things I’d never felt comfortable saying before—like “I see things differently” and “that doesn’t work for me.” Secret-keeping was killing my soul, so I also started opening up about the pain and brokenness I felt regarding my former spouse’s addiction and how I’d protected him at a cost to myself.

When we share more of who we are with others, then we are known and loved, which is a powerful need in humans. I was not broken as a people-pleaser but broken open. I allowed myself to receive the love of others as I allowed them to see me. As a result, I experienced intimacy in a new way.

Secondly, when we stop lying to others and ourselves, it builds trust.

It is hard to love someone when you don’t trust them. Trust is the foundation of all relationships. When we are real, others trust our words and actions, and we become more trustworthy. We are no longer chameleons, adapting and saying what others want to hear when interacting with us, and trust grows.

Lastly, when we pay attention to being more real, we are more fully engaged in our relationships.

We are wired for connection. When we are engaged in bringing a greater depth to our relationships, the investment pays off. It’s like we are making a deposit in the relationship when we allow others to “see us,” and they in turn feel closer to us. As I began to share more in my relationships, it helped others to open up. One friend said, “Keep sharing; it helps us too!”

—

Being more honest in our relationships is a dance worth learning. It improves intimacy, trust, and closeness in our relationships. After all, the alternative is being called a liar!

August 22, 2022
What to Do When Your Relationship Feels Stale and Stuck

“To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.” ~Mother Theresa

There comes a point when every couple arrives at the same crossroads. They ask: Is this relationship still the most important thing? Are we doing this well? Do we still love and support one another? Are we still open, honest, and giving?

Often these questions come after years of marriage and a slow realization that mediocrity has set into the relationship.

For those who’ve had a bumpy road and have developed a keen awareness that relationships take work, the questions come earlier and a little more regularly. Those couples know how important it is to stay on top of the answers.

But sometimes the questions come when it may be too late, and the path on the crossroads is all too clear.

For me, those questions came on the heels of an affair. And that affair was a result of years of turning the other way—on both our parts. Years of focusing in on the kids, forgetting to ask about one another’s day, forgetting that to keep the flame of a relationship burning we must continue to stoke the fire.

As one year tumbled into the next, we stopped seeing each other. Did we even want to look anymore?

Can a marriage be saved after an affair? I believe it can, but it takes a willingness to forgive and move on. And it takes an admission of the role both parties have played in reaching that point.

I have watched the long slow breakdown of my own relationship and know that if somewhere along the way we had stopped to ask these all-important questions and to hit the reset button on our relationship, we wouldn’t be where we are today.

If you are in that place of mediocrity in your own relationship, here’s how to know if it’s time to hit “reset” and start doing some hard work.

1. Your lives revolve around work and/or the kids.

I hear you; work and children can dominate our lives. I’m right in the trenches with all of that and it’s hard to focus on anything else. But if we don’t take time away for ourselves we’ll eventually see the effects on our relationships.

Regular dates are so important for quality alone time. Just remember this rule: no conversations about kids or work. And if you’re not used to date nights, it’s never too late to start adding them to your calendar.

2. You don’t have any quality alone time together.

Date nights are important, but not always affordable. It’s equally important to have a time when the two of you can connect and catch up at home. That might be for twenty minutes at bedtime, or when you sit down for a family dinner. It may be during a regular walk, or a lunchtime coffee meeting.

Making time for each other outside of date nights is key. Date nights may only come once a month; do you really want to connect so infrequently?

3. You don’t enjoy any fun activities together.

Remember when you first got together and spent lazy days in the park, biked around the city, cooked delicious meals together, and maybe even did a little dancing? Whatever those activities were in your relationship, do you still engage in any of them?

Yes, I know, you might have kids, and your work is more demanding now. But be honest, is part of it complacency? Have you just become so comfortable doing life together that you’ve forgotten what it’s like to laugh together and really enjoy each other’s company?

Scheduling a regular fun activity that you enjoy doing together can go a long way in easing any distance between you.

4. You don’t check in with each other.

Do you know what’s going on in your partner’s world? Sure, you may know his latest sales deal, or all about the new kid at work, but do you know what’s really going on in his life? Would you know if he’s under stress? Does he ever open up and talk about it?

Checking in with one another is like taking your relationship’s temperature. It’s all about finding out how your partner is doing and becoming that listening, supportive ear they can depend on.

Take some time to check in with your partner and ask them how they’re doing. If they’re surprised by your question you know you have work to do in this area.

5. You are a rarely intimate.

Forget what the glossy magazines say about how often you and your partner should be intimate. Talk instead about how often feels good for you. If you are used to intimacy twice a week, but for the last year or so it has been more like once a month, something is wrong. What is your norm? And what would fulfill your needs?

When intimacy is lacking in a relationship, it becomes much more difficult to connect and talk. Likewise, if connection is missing, it’s far more difficult to be intimate—the two often go hand-in-hand.

6. You don’t feel seen or heard.

Do you see the pattern with many of these warning triggers? If connection and intimacy are missing, it’s likely you also don’t feel seen or heard.

Many a time in my relationship, I have had the thought, I feel like a piece of furniture. It’s not accurate of course—our partners don’t mean to stop noticing a new hairstyle, appreciating a meal on the table, or taking an interest in our passions. They’re just busy.

When you get to the place where you’re too busy or comfortable to notice, you need to hit that reset button, and fast.

7. You think a lot about what you’re not getting out of the relationship.

We all know that relationships are give and take, so why do we we spend so much time complaining about what our partner isn’t giving us, rather than focusing on what we are giving to them?

I once heard it said that healthy relationships aren’t based on finding the right partner, but on being the right partner. I think there’s some truth to that statement.

If we can focus on what we’re giving more than on what we’re taking, change for the better is inevitable, and sometimes enough. However, that doesn’t mean we should disregard our needs. If a partner is unwilling or unable to meet our needs, and that need is critical to our happiness, it may be time for some honest conversations about change.

—

If some of these scenarios sound familiar, the most important thing is to talk about them. Having an open conversation is the first step toward change and re-connection. Often it takes courage and a willingness to listen, but ultimately that bravery could save your relationship.

Bored couple image via Shutterstock

December 6, 2015
3 Steps to Making an Intimate Relationship Work

“True closeness respects each other’s space.” ~Angelica Hopes

It was a Friday, the workweek had ended, and I was excited for my boyfriend to come home. (Okay, I’m talking about an ex-boyfriend—these steps took me time to implement…)

I’d gone grocery shopping and had two steaks to grill, with asparagus and a bottle of wine chilled.

I heard the garage door and the dog ran to meet him. I knew he would drop his briefcase and come to the kitchen to give me a hug. Then, he would take off his shoes and find the couch to decompress for a few minutes.

But I couldn’t know prior what mood he’d be in—no way to predict before that ten-second greeting if he’d had a hard day and would need some space or if he was ready to be close.

And vice versa. He could have found me cheerfully setting the table or on the couch instead, watching Housewives on Bravo, curled up in a blanket.

I have to admit that I’ve had a lot to learn about relationships. And it’s all because at times I wanted to be close, and at times I needed distance.

Depending on where I was within my own self-security, I could be terrified of entrapment or at times wanted to dissolve in another.

We all want closeness in varying degrees. And depending on daily life circumstances, we want different things.

Yet, at times we act out certain patterns in our various needs for security in our relationships:

We can be anxious: We can cling, be needy and dependent, or complain. We grasp, wanting the other to relieve our fear of abandonment, loss, or rejection.

We can be avoidant: We can push away, shut down, criticize, or refuse to communicate. We find other things to put our attention on to come between us and our relationships.

We can be ambivalent: Depending on how we feel, we can flip between anxious or avoidant—all due to the uncertainties of intimacy. We either crave closeness and grip or cut off, perhaps unconsciously.

And lastly, we are secure: We feel safe in closeness and also have loving boundaries when we need space for ourselves.

Oh, how I’ve wished my MO were more secure at times. But in truth, it’s normal and natural in relationships to be anxious, avoidant, or ambivalent. We’re human. And it takes practice.

There are also those wonderful, easy moments of self-security shared.

I was having lunch with two friends of mine who are married. She was away on business a lot of the time. He was visiting her on one of her trips to New York City. It was understood that on some days she would be working and on the days she wasn’t, they’d be doing fun things together.

They showed up to the lunch irritated. As a bystander, it was easier to observe.

He was frustrated because as they were having coffee that morning, she was catching up on her social marketing on her phone. He wanted quality time with her. After all, he’d flown in to see her.

She was frustrated because she felt like he wasn’t having compassion for the small things she still needed to do for her job. Besides, they’d just had two days together, touring around New York City.

What I saw was the simple pattern: She needed some space. He wanted closeness.

But then he said to her, “If I knew you were going to be on your phone, I would have gone to the gym instead.”

It seemed he wished he had taken care of his own needs. He didn’t really mind that she needed to do some work—he was actually regretting not grabbing some time for himself.

I learned so much from that lunch, watching them. It reminded me of times I wanted to be close and have some space after being close for a while, but didn’t know how to ask for it and how guilty I could feel about it.

Here are the three steps to create a relationship that works:

1. Recognize when space or closeness is needed either in yourself or in your partner.

2. Gently communicate your needs and respect the other’s desire.

3. Compromise by seeing the dance of space as an energy trade. If you pushed away last, perhaps you could make an attempt for closeness. Or if last time you asked for closeness, it’s your turn to offer space.

It’s also important to realize that our partners may not be able to give what we need all the time and to accept that.

I couldn’t depend on my ex-boyfriend to always come home from work relaxed, happy, and excited to see me. Nor could he depend on me either.

But what I can depend on is being aware of my needs and communicating them, lovingly.

Honey, I need closeness.

Babe, I need some space.

Aside from communication, there’s also an inner responsibility:

If we tend toward anxiousness, the trick is to rest in the discomfort of spaciousness without needing someone else to complete us and fill it with our own self-nurturing instead.

If we lean toward the avoidant, the trick is to be aware of our fear of closeness and open. To take a risk to receive, soften our heart and let love in.

Obviously, there are relationships where there is too much dependency or too wide of a gap—where the other is no longer present. When this happens, therapy is a good thing. (Haven’t I known it!)

There’s this story about a horse in a large field. He has his favorite place grazing in a corner. If you put a fence around him, nine times out of ten he bucks up. If you take the fence down, chances are you still find him peacefully chewing in his corner.

The same goes with relationship.

One two three, one two three, we waltz. You step forward. I step back. But in each other’s embrace we dance.

How might you offer your beloved a sense of closeness or some space today? How might you get your needs met on your own regardless?

Couple silhouette via Shutterstock

October 1, 2015