Tiny Buddha

Tag: instincts

  • How Following Our Instincts Now Can Protect Us from Pain Down the Line

    How Following Our Instincts Now Can Protect Us from Pain Down the Line

    “There is a voice inside of you that whispers all day long, I feel this is right for me, I know that this is wrong. No teacher, preacher, parent, friend or wise man can decide what’s right for you. Just listen to the voice that speaks inside.” ~Shel Silverstein

    Some time ago, a guy I knew suggested I go swimming with him and a friend of his. I accepted.

    I didn’t know him well. Sometimes he would say hello and be warm, while other times he would ignore me. Since he was a longtime friend of a girl I knew, I was looking forward to getting to know him better so we could become friends too.

    He and his friend dived several times from the ten-meter diving board. When it was my turn to jump, I was petrified.

    I was standing on the diving board with a firm will to jump, but the emptiness below me paralyzed me.

    My new friend climbed the stairs of the diving platform, came on the board, and kissed me on the mouth to encourage me. It was cute of him, but the situation stressed me even more. I knew him very little, and the fact that he blew hot and cold did not give me confidence.

    When I finally got off the diving board, without having jumped, I told him how much I appreciated that he came to encourage me, but I preferred that we stay friends.

    In the following months, whenever I bumped into him, he ignored me.

    About six months later, as I was walking down the street, he ran out of a restaurant to greet me and offer to ski with him and his friends, which I accepted. I was surprised at his change in attitude and relieved that he was no longer mad at me for sending him away at the pool.

    We spent a wonderful day of skiing, during which he was particularly friendly.

    In the evening, we met at the local pub, where he told me of his desire to go out with me. I replied, again, that I preferred that we stay friends.

    Later that evening, when I passed him on the pub stairs, he walked straight past without looking at me. It hurt me. I knew he was hurt, but it was unfair to ignore me again. I had spent a wonderful day with him and wished we could stay on good terms.

    Following this, I felt uneasy and ended up telling him that I had changed my mind about him because I wanted things to go back how they were earlier that day, when he was warm and charming. That’s how our relationship started, but I quickly realized something was wrong.

    I noticed that when he needed me or when we were planning to spend the night together, he was warm and generous with compliments. On the other hand, when I was useless to him, he was cold and distant. The sudden shift between the two extremes made me doubt his sincerity and feel manipulated.

    Moreover, he did things secretively, which created an atmosphere of mistrust.

    Also, he always created a busy schedule for himself, in which he assigned me time slots in advance.

    If I suggested that we see each other at a time other than what he had initially planned, he did not let go until I gave in.

    I felt like a pawn on his chessboard, and I was tiring of the lows but growing addicted to the highs.

    When I would bring up issues in our relationship, he was not open to questioning himself. Each time, he managed to convince me that I was the cause of the problem. The argument ended with me crying and begging him to forgive me.

    As a result, after each argument, I felt that the problem was still unsolved, and my frustration escalated.

    He ended up leaving me, which was legitimate since we were constantly arguing.

    The breakups I had experienced with other ex-boyfriends had left me either relieved or heartbroken, or both. This breakup left me with an identity crisis.

    During our relationship, when my ex-partner found a flaw in my personality, he could not help but amplify it and remind me of it all the time.

    That is when I started to doubt myself. Who was right, him or me? Maybe he was right, and I was this person he was describing.

    It took me a while to realize that this relationship was toxic. Looking back, I wondered how I could have come to this.

    How could I have been left by a man I had never wanted to be with and for whom I had never had romantic feelings?

    Also, why had I tried so hard to make this relationship work when I was miserable throughout its course?

    In other relationships, I’ve always had feelings for my partners. Those magical feelings that make you euphoric at the beginning, and every time you see someone who looks a little like your loved one, you think it’s him.

    In this case, the unease after being ignored made me change my mind.

    In his defense, my ex-partner never forced me to be in a relationship with him, and as an adult, I am responsible for my choices.

    Yet, his strong-willed character always ended up defeating my decisions.

    This experience taught me why you should listen to your inner voice and be in tune with yourself. The voice inside tells you what feels right and wrong for you.

    Don’t be afraid to follow your intuition, even when people insist you go against it. Does that mean that you should think only of yourself? No, obviously. However, if what is being asked of you goes against your intuition, and even if you do not understand why, it is better not to do it.

    If I had listened to my intuition and refused to go out with this guy, I would have hurt him briefly but saved him from a relationship that did not suit him. Moreover, I would have spared myself unnecessary suffering.

    When you make decisions with your heart, you have no or fewer regrets if things go wrong.

    It can take time to learn to listen to your inner voice and follow your instincts without feeling guilty—especially if you learned growing up to put other people before yourself, as I did.

    If you feel that someone or something isn’t right for you but worry about upsetting someone else, remind yourself that a little short-term discomfort can often save you a lot of pain down the line.

  • Trust Your Intuition: If It Feels Like a No, It’s a No

    Trust Your Intuition: If It Feels Like a No, It’s a No

    “You will never follow your own inner voice until you clear up the doubts in your mind.” ~Roy T. Bennett

    One evening my husband and I decided that we, along with our daughter, would go together to a neighboring town about thirty minutes away the following morning. He had an errand to run, and I was going to take our daughter to a nearby playground.

    The morning arrived, and as I thought about it, I had a wave of feeling/thought that said, “I don’t really want to go,” or maybe it was more like, “I’d rather just stay around here because that would be more fun.” All I can say is that there was an inner nudge that told me not going would lead to a happier outcome.

    Instead of going with my gut, though, I asked my daughter if she wanted to go to the playground, and when she said yes, I let that change my mind. (She’s four! Of course she wants to go to the playground!)

    We piled into the car and headed to the highway. Before you get any ideas about this being a horror story about a car accident or other life-altering incident, let me assure you that nothing terrible happened. Just something that showed me I need to keep up my practice of listening to that inner voice we all have.

    We dropped my husband off and went to the playground. It was fine, I guess, but sort of frustrating: My daughter played for maybe five minutes before asking to go to the bathroom. After that, she said she was ready to leave the playground and have a snack in the car. It had been all of fifteen minutes.

    We got back in the car and drove to the spot where my husband was. After fifteen or twenty minutes of us waiting for him in the car, he came out, kind of a in a grumpy mood, and we debated who would drive back home.

    I have a story about not wanting to drive when my husband is in the car. I tell myself he makes me self-conscious and I’d rather just have him drive. I was already in the driver’s seat, though, and he didn’t seem to care either way, so I stayed where I was.

    As soon as I started backing out of the parking lot he told me to watch out. He was worried about me hitting someone. I got annoyed, but kept going.

    When we got to the road, I had to make a tricky left turn. It’s a spot where people are coming from all directions, and there happened to be a police officer waiting to pull out across the way from us.

    I was about to go, but a car came quickly around the bend. I felt like I was out too far and started to back up a little, then my husband said, “What are you doing!?” That did not go over well with me.

    I got a little hysterical, feeling trapped. I couldn’t make the turn, I couldn’t back up, and my husband refused to switch places with me because he thought the police officer across the way would be suspicious.

    I ended up yelling and freaking out, even dropping an f-bomb, which is so not the way I want to act, ever, but especially not in front of my kid.

    I finally made the turn, then got off the next exit and asked my husband to drive. Sitting in the passenger seat it hit me: My inner voice said I’d probably have more fun staying close to home, and I realized it was almost certainly right.

    The trip to the playground was a bust, my daughter and I had to spend a bunch of time in the car (half an hour both ways plus the time waiting for my husband) to do basically nothing, and my husband and I ended up having a bit of a blowout.

    I couldn’t have predicted how the day would go, but I knew in the morning I felt like taking it easy, and instead, I put myself in situations that had the potential to be stressful.

    It’s not that anything awful or life-altering happened; it was just a clear example of how going against what felt right, what felt like the most fun, ended up being not the best choice for me. And I was particularly annoyed because I’ve been dedicating time and attention lately to listening to my intuition.

    Overall, though, I have been getting better at tuning in and heeding the advice of my inner guidance. Here’s what I’ve done over the years to get better at it.

    I regularly check in with my body.

    My body is so much smarter than I am. She knows when she’s had enough to eat and she knows when a situation isn’t the right one for me. Experiences that don’t align with my innermost desires result in me having a tight feeling in my chest or a churning feeling in my stomach, and if things go on long enough, I’ve been known to manifest physical symptoms that send me to the doctor.

    I once ignored my intuition about taking a job. I only lasted there a year, and I was sick constantly. It’s rare for me to get sick at all, so this was just a confirmation of what I’d worried about from the beginning. The body knows, even when the mind isn’t willing to acknowledge it yet.

    I started looking at what made me feel light and happy.

    Like the body, emotions are an incredible guide for showing us where to turn next. If something makes you feel alive and excited, then go in that direction! If something makes you feel low-energy and sad, it’s time to change course.

    I look for the next right step instead of trying to figure out a thirty-year plan.

    Our minds want to have all of the answers right now, period. If you feel excited about a new and completely different career path but your mind can’t figure out how it can earn you a living, you may shut it down completely, ignoring your intuition and probably squelching your happiness.

    These days, I just try to figure out the next right step, the one for this moment, rather than trying to see how it will play out when I’m eighty. Sometimes the next right step is for me to go to sleep instead of thinking about it anymore!

    If I’m frazzled and worrying about a million things that are work or business related, I slow myself down and ask what has to be done right now. The answer is usually something simple, like answer this email or take a break for lunch and come back when I feel refreshed. If you take it moment by moment, it truly slows things down and simplifies them.

    I do the thing that makes me feel good whenever possible.

    It might seem counterintuitive, but it’s often much easier to get done what you need to when you follow the path of what feels best. For instance, one evening I needed to write a blog post, but I just wasn’t feeling it.

    Instead of forcing myself to do it, I made some art and watched some TV. After maybe an hour I felt jazzed up and good, and it was incredibly easy (and fast!) to write the blog post.

    I ask questions with the intention of getting an answer.

    Instead of walking around all day thinking “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do,” I now make a point of asking, either in writing or in my head, “What’s the best thing for me?” It takes practice, but you’ll get answers, even if they’re subtle.

    I can hear you wondering, “What am I supposed to do when I have to do something, but my intuition says it’s a no-go?”

    I’m the mom of a young kiddo, and even though I don’t always feel like getting up with her at the crack of dawn, or peeling the skin off her apple, or watching that episode of a cheesy cartoon with her one more time, I usually still do it.

    Time with her at this age (and in general) is fleeting, and to combat the feeling of obligation I remind myself that I chose this life. I also check in to see what I can do in any given moment to make sure I’m getting some feel-good time for myself. I think it’s important for her to see me enjoying my life and making choices that support my well-being.

    I know there are lots and lots of obligations we feel tied to, but I believe if your intuition is telling you over and over again that this is not right for you, you must start to listen and let it go.

    Perhaps you feel you can’t give up this obligation right this second, but how can you move away from it? How can you take on more of what feels joyful and right for you and less of what feels burdensome and heavy? Just do it a little at a time, if that’s what feels best.

    I’m really passionate about this subject, and it’s because I have seen how much my life has improved by going with my gut. I’ve also seen what happens when I don’t, even if it’s minor like the incident I described.

    When I see and hear other people struggling with decisions or doing something big (like getting married!) even when it doesn’t feel quite right, I want to reach out and hug them and tell them that going with their intuition will always pay off in the end, even if it doesn’t seem to make sense in the moment.

    You already know the answer; you just have to listen.

  • Always Trust Your Gut Instincts

    Always Trust Your Gut Instincts

    Trust your first instincts

  • How to Hear Your Intuition When You Don’t Know What to Do

    How to Hear Your Intuition When You Don’t Know What to Do

    Confused Man

    “Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.” ~William S. Burroughs

    Sitting in my office, I stared at the email in front of me.

    My heart sank.

    All energy and joy left me, to be replaced with confusion, anxiety, and a deep sense of frustration.

    As adrenalin rushed through my veins, one question engulfed my mind leaving little room for the answer.

    What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?

    I just didn’t know.

    The email was from a client. Someone who I had worked with for a long time. Someone who wasn’t listening to me. Someone who was causing me unhappiness.

    And as I re-read the email, I knew I had to make a decision.

    Could I deal with this any longer? The demands, the lack of control, the sharp tone that always seemed so unnecessary.

    Or did I have to stick it out? Put up with those feelings, just get on with the work and do the best I could? I needed the money, after all. Cash was tight—could I survive without this client?

    What should I do? What should I do? What should I do? 

    And then, in that one moment in time, it became clear exactly what I needed to do. I needed to step away from the computer. I needed to get outside. And I needed to breathe.

    So that’s exactly what I did.

    Twenty-four hours later, I was on the phone explaining to my client that I didn’t feel we were right for each other anymore. That we needed to bring things to a close. That it was time for me to move on.

    And move on I certainly did.

    That day when I stepped outside and went for a walk, I found peace and quiet, a sense of calm understanding, and most importantly, a moment of absolute pure clarity.

    My intuition spoke. And I listened to her.

    I realized that I had to remove myself from the situation that was causing me so much distress. Forcing myself to continue was no longer an option; it was not what my body and soul needed. Instead, I needed to follow my heart.

    And so, I let go of that client along with all those negative feelings. And I created space.

    Space for new people. New places. And new experiences.

    And do you know what? Once I made that decision, it was like an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

    My energy and joy returned to me in abundance, and I knew with absolute certainty that I had made the right decision.

    Once again, my intuition had guided me. And she hadn’t let me down.

    Tuning into your intuition during troubled times can be difficult. With so much noise, information, and clutter within the world, our thoughts can often be clouded with distractions.

    However, there are lots of ways that you can help your intuitive voice find its way to you. Just follow the tips below.

    Step away from the situation.

    I’ve found that during these times the best thing you can do is allow yourself some breathing space.

    Stand up and go for a long walk, head out into the wilderness, browse some antique shops, meditate, sit with a coffee and watch the world go by. Whatever you love doing, whatever calms you, now is the time to do it.

    Find some quiet space to let your mind wander, and your intuitive voice will have a far greater chance of being heard.

    Be honest with yourself.

    It can sometimes be very easy to ignore your feelings and push them away.

    We might push those gut feelings aside and take what may seem like the easier option because we’re afraid of failure, changing direction, and saying no.

    However, ultimately this is about your happiness. And if something doesn’t feel right, then maybe it’s time for a change.

    Be honest with yourself and acknowledge those unsettled feelings; they are there to guide and support you. Listen to them.

    Turn to your journal.

    I have found writing in a journal to be an incredible method for tuning into my intuition.

    Acting as a safe space to release emotions, work through problems, and process my thoughts, it can allow for greater self-discovery and understanding.

    Next time you are having difficulty making a decision, pick up a pen and some paper and let the words flow out of you. Reflect on the situation, explore those feelings, and consider the bigger picture.

    This free-flowing use of personal writing can be a wonderful catalyst for removing blocks and letting your intuitive voice lead the way. Just let the words pour out of you.

    — 

    The intuitive voice is a powerful one, but it often needs a quiet, calm, reflective environment to find its way.

    Learn where you can find some peace, go there when times are hard, and listen with all your might to what your heart and soul are telling you.

    Your intuition wants to guide and support you. So give it the space to be heard.

    Confused man image via Shutterstock

  • Emotions Are a Strength, Not a Design Flaw

    Emotions Are a Strength, Not a Design Flaw

    Teardrop

    “Eyes that do not cry, do not see.” ~Swedish Proverb

    Just get over it. Don’t be so sensitive. You should toughen up and grow a thicker skin…

    I’ve heard this advice so much over my life, but I’ve never seen it make anyone happy.

    Advised to toughen up with thicker skins so we can protect ourselves, we end up just bottling it up inside and pushing away how we feel, hoping it looks like we’re strong.

    It’s like trying to avoid our own shadow. We believe it’s gone because it’s behind us, but it’s totally visible to anyone else who cares to look.

    Instead of becoming stronger, this denying and rejecting behavior makes us more susceptible to danger, more fearful and wary, resulting in confusion and unhappiness, because we’ve thrown away the information we need to survive and thrive.

    The Rhino’s Lesson

    While I was in South Africa, volunteering for an animal conversation charity, I found myself in close proximity to a wild rhino in the early hours of the morning.

    She was beautiful.

    With only a few feet between us and little shrub to block her path, she did not seek to fight or flee; she just stood there.

    Although rhinos are quite blind, they have other strong senses, including smell, hearing, taste, external touch, and instinctual felt sense (internal and external nervous systems).

    They have thick, layered, armored skin that protects them from sharp, thorny bushes, but they are not insensitive and tough.

    In fact, their survival and ability to thrive is wholly dependent on their sensitivity.

    She didn’t run or charge because she didn’t feel I was a threat.

    Sensitivity Is Power

    Sensitivity means to be connected and aware of all our senses.

    Our bodies are descendants of mammals, so we’re sensory beings.

    This means, like the rhino, we are designed to use sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch, and felt sense to navigate the world around us and survive.

    This sensory information creates an internal response to everything, including danger and safety, separation and bonding, otherwise known as emotions.

    It’s a fact: We’re all emotional, male and female!

    Unlike our animal cousins, though, we have an evolved conscious awareness to this emotional information, so they become defined as feelings—the language of emotions to which we attach judgment.

    Instead of responding naturally and appropriately to this navigation system, we stress ourselves out, worry, shame, analyze, get embarrassed, get scared, get stuck, don’t act, ignore, or do the total opposite of what our body tells us to do.

    The rhino does not question the sensory information the brain collects; it just acts appropriately either by running away and avoiding the danger or standing still to assess and inquire.

    Or, it might run toward it, threatening with the full force of their size, strength, weight, and their strong, sharp horn. They don’t do this because they are bad tempered but because they must still protect their well-being, even though they are naturally shy, curious, and non-predatory.

    Confusing Safety and Danger

    Our brain continually processes sensory information to inform our responses to a situation or person by encouraging slowing down, moving toward or further away.

    Teaching us to ignore, shame, disregard, and disconnect from this emotional sensory information leaves us unarmed, unprotected, and unsafe. It’s like being in conversation but only talking, never listening, and assuming what the other person thinks and feels.

    The result:

    • We’re unaware of danger, so we don’t know how or when to protect ourselves.
    • We’re unaware or unsure if the people we choose to surround ourselves love, accept, and respect us, or are out to harm, belittle, or control us.
    • We lose the ability to know what is right for our happiness, peace, and love.
    • Our brains rewire to associate fear and danger with safety, and love and kindness with danger and being unsafe, so we seek the wrong thing.

    This would be like the rhino ignoring her survival senses, walking up to a pack of lions, and saying, “Hey, I’m just as big as you, can I come hang out…”

    How A War Zone Becomes Your Norm

    This behavior is most obvious in adults who experienced abusive childhoods or were parented inconsistently by alcoholics, drug addicts, or the mentally unstable, and if they were conditioned to be good girls and boys and shamed for expressing anger, desire, or tears.

    In these environments, a child absorbs the message “Don’t express how you truly feel.”

    If they accepted the sensory information they received, they would have had to accept that their home environment, where they needed to be cared and protected for survival, actually felt unsafe and rejecting to live in.

    It’s unimaginable for a child to acknowledge that the parents who they love might not be safe, even if they come to see a difference in other families.

    They learn not to respond appropriately, as it would result in possible physical danger, punishment, and abandonment. So they disconnect, desensitize, do as they are told, try to please to make it safer, and stop trusting their feelings, because they lie and let them down.

    If they continue this behavior into adulthood, they will keep seeking out the familiar—hurtful, disappointing, painful, unstable, rejecting, or even dangerous relationships and circumstances, to mirror the feelings of childhood.

    Getting Emotionally Reconnected

    I used think women who cried were pathetic. I thought they should just get over it and pull themselves together, as this was how I saw my own emotions.

    Every feeling I had was buried away, unspoken, and unshared, branded as either a sign of weakness (as regards to crying) or unacceptable (if it was anger). I considered every other feeling bad and dangerous.

    My exterior had toughened up until I was cold and as hard as an ice queen.

    I chose abusive lovers, friends, and bosses over and over again, even though when I met them all I had the same uncomfortable, withdrawing feelings. I just ignored them and believed I must be wrong. And I jumped into, at worst, dangerous and, at best, rejecting and unloving environments.

    Part of my self-discovery was learning to get out of my judgmental head and back into my body, and trusting its natural ability to know my boundaries and how to protect myself, so I could begin to make the right choices for my health, well-being, and happiness.

    I sought people who showed me how to demonstrate my emotions openly and gave me permission to feel angry and cry. I came to understand my body’s language, so, if I felt something, I got real and responded appropriately.

    If I felt happy and safe, I smiled.

    If I felt safe and laughed, I opened my mouth wide and laughed wholeheartedly from my belly.

    If someone tried to disrespect me, I called them on it or walked away.

    If I felt desire to touch and be touch, I trusted my intuition.

    No longer confused and distrusting of my sensitivity, I didn’t need to waste my energy fighting and denying how I felt.

    I was now open to love and intimacy, no longer terrified of it as dangerous, or afraid of rejection, because I felt safe in my ability to know and accept the truth.

    I was now listening to the whole conversation and all the information I was receiving, so that like the beautiful rhino I could own our greatest strength of all: our emotional instinct to navigate the wilderness and know who is part of our herd.

    Photo by Francesca Romana Correale

  • 3 Simple Ways to Follow Your Bliss

    3 Simple Ways to Follow Your Bliss

    “Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”  ~Joseph Campbell

    Several years ago, I learned about a month-long silent retreat designed to incorporate extended periods of meditation, three-times-daily hatha yoga sessions, and in-depth self-inquiry practices. The moment I heard about it, my heart literally jumped out of my chest and I knew I had to be there.

    Yet, while my heart was gunning for it, I could not get my head around how to find the money for the airfare, accommodations, and registration fees. All told, the total was going to be close to three thousand dollars, something I did not have.

    Undeterred, I came to the conclusion, via my heart that I did not need to get my head around anything. If I was meant to be there, then the universe would take care of the details no matter how daunting the financial cost.

    In support of my belief, I made flight and accommodation reservations, shared my intention with several of my close friends, and trusted the universe to align everything in support of my goal. Sure enough, just four weeks before the start of the retreat, I received an unexpected call from my neighbor.

    Liz was a casting agent, searching for extras to audition for the movie My Father the Hero, which was being shot on Paradise Island. She asked, “Are you available? I am having difficulty finding people and I think you would be a perfect fit.”

    I jumped at the opportunity. She cautioned me that the shoot I would be involved in was a boat scene, probably only lasting a day, maybe two. However, on the day we started filming, on driving out to the harbor, the weather took a dramatic turn.

    High winds began whipping around the boat, affecting the ability of the professional stuntman to execute water skiing tricks. Then a power boat, meant to be driven alongside ours and intended to be a highlight of the scene, crashed into the bridge, requiring it to be sent to dry dock for repair.

    Added to that, several days passed with intermittent sunshine and long periods of cloud cover and rain.

    With these events and subsequent delays, the one or two day filming time turned into a week, then two, until three and a half weeks later we finally wrapped the scene, just hours ahead of the start of the retreat.

    Picking up my paycheck I was in awe. Calculating a rapid mental note of all the outgoings necessary, I realized my earnings covered the flight and retreat costs down to the last cent. In fact there was an additional $15 left over, which I realized would cover the Bahamas Government departure tax. (more…)

  • 3 Questions Worth Asking to Find the Right Answer for You

    3 Questions Worth Asking to Find the Right Answer for You

    “Sometimes questions are more important than answers.”  ~Nancy Willard

    My twenties and thirties were an endless quest for “The Answer.” As if there were only one.

    The one answer that would change everything. Make everything right. Make me happy.

    What Didn’t Work

    I searched high and low for answers. I’d read the latest book, hoping it held the key. I’d watch to see what others said and did, assuming they had the answers.

    My M.O. was simple:  read, observe, imitate, emulate.

    I was always searching outside myself.

    Always thinking finding the “right” answer would hold the key to happiness and contentment.

    I’d think, “This is it!” 

    “This” being a new career, new city, new relationship, new wardrobe, or new hobby.

    Inevitably, though, the proverbial bloom on the rose faded and whatever “this” had been became the latest thing that wasn’t.

    The problem was, I never did land on the right “answer.”  All my searching and seeking deceived and misled me.  Or more honestly:  I deceived and mislead myself with all my searching and seeking.

    I couldn’t understand why I kept getting the answer wrong. I was smart and resourceful. I was making an effort.

    Why didn’t I seem to want what I thought I wanted? Why did my “answers” for happiness keep turning out to be wrong?

    Shifting Focus

    It was only years later I shifted my attention to a different part of the equation, and started to focus less on the answers and more on the questions.

    And that has made all the difference.

    It finally dawned on me: My answers were someone’s right answers, just not mine.

    How did I come to this breakthrough? (more…)

  • Keep Moving Forward: 4 Tips to Enjoy the Journey More

    Keep Moving Forward: 4 Tips to Enjoy the Journey More

    “If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” ~Proverb

    Five years ago, I decided to fulfill my dream of getting a doctorate. I knew from talking to friends who took on the same endeavor that it would mean many sleepless nights and tons of reading and writing. But nothing prepared me for the path that lay ahead.

    Graduate school is often compared to a marathon. Why? At each moment, when you think you’ve completed a major milestone, you realize you have a long road ahead. You just have to keep going and going.

    First, there’s the coursework. I took on a full load and worked two part-time jobs.

    Second, you really have to develop a thick skin because part of the experience of graduate school is humbling yourself before your professors and peers and learning to take constructive criticism. This also becomes an exercise in tuning into your own voice by learning how to distinguish between useless and useful feedback.

    Third, your patience is tried and tested because it’s such a long road–an average five to seven years to completion in the United States.

    I went into graduate school because I loved learning and I had a passion for my research. Along the way, as I buried myself in books, grading, and academic dialogue with my colleagues, I lost sight of this passion.

    I became so focused on the destination that I forgot about the journey.

    For my dissertation, I had to travel abroad to collect data. At first, I was enthused about the act of discovery. What kind of data would I find? What would I learn about the country, culture, and people living there? I was excited about the prospect of my research contributing to the good of mankind, even in some minute way. I harbored high hopes. (more…)

  • Why It’s Hard to Trust Our Instincts and How to Start

    Why It’s Hard to Trust Our Instincts and How to Start

    Rock Climbing

    “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” ~Benjamin Spock

    I was talking to a friend of mine a couple weeks ago. I was telling her how I always know when it’s time for me to move. She asked me, “How do you know? What makes you aware that you ‘know’ this?”

    It was a reasonable question: What is the actual sign that indicates that you “know” to do anything?

    “You just know,” I told her.

    “But how?” she asked, curiously.

    I didn’t really have a good answer for her at the time, but it stuck with me.

    After thinking about it for awhile, I realized it’s not in the “knowing” that we get stuck. We always know. It’s in how well we trust what we know, and whether we’re willing to trust it enough to act upon it.

    So, how do you know that you “know” something?

    Well, let me ask you this: How did you know that you were going to marry the person you married, or take the job you were offered, or go see the new doctor you read about?

    What made you decide that this was the right decision for you? What made you “know” that the house you bought was the right one for you or the apartment you chose to rent was the perfect spot for you?

    It’s intangible, isn’t it? It’s a feeling. You know, and then you “know” that you know. (more…)