Tag: inner critic

It’s Okay to Be Who You Are – Forget Approval and Show Your True Colors

“Don’t trade your authenticity for approval.” ~Unknown

How often do you find yourself doing things just because you have to and not because you want to? I’m not talking about the hard work we do to improve at our jobs or the responsibilities we have to our families. I’m referring to those things we do just to please others, to project a certain image of ourselves to the world that isn’t in line with who we really are.

A few years ago, I was searching within myself to find out who I really was.

I’d been so obsessed with creating a mask that people would love that I could no longer recognize myself in the mirror.

I am an ambivert, and I don’t express my feelings much. I tend to smile rather than squeal with joy. I fall silent rather than shout with anger.

Because of these traits, people used to call me “poker face,” and I felt as if something was wrong with me. Determined to shed this label, I forced myself to be loud and attended all social events with my friends inspite of exhaustion. But deep inside all I wanted was a quiet appointment with myself.

Assuming that being extroverted was the only way to make friends, I pushed myself too hard, which led to an emotional breakdown. As a result, I fell prey to self-destructive habits like skipping meals, binge eating junk food, staying up late at night, and waking up at odd hours, which landed me in the hospital.

After that, I spent a lot of time reflecting on what had caused that situation and looked inside myself to know what I really wanted.

Since then, I’ve listened to my inner voice more than I’ve listened to others. I’ve started to be myself without worrying about anyone else’s opinion. And I’ve stopped fulfilling people’s expectations of me and started feeling comfortable in my own skin.

Some of the lessons I learned during the journey were…

Face your fears.

The two words that changed my perspective on life were “What if?” What if I spent my evenings curled up with a book? What if I excused myself from a social gathering when I felt exhausted? What if I chose not to express myself loudly?

Think about what really scares you. Think about what restrains you from unleashing your true self.

Is it the possibility of creating conflict between you and your friends? Is it the prospect of being different? Or do you fear your own inner critic?

Exploring your answers to all these questions will start you on a beautiful journey of self-discovery and open up different sides to your character that you may not be aware of. Spelling out loud what you actually fear is work half done to make it go away, which leads me to the next two steps on how to tackle them.

Calm your inner critic.

I discovered that, more than anything else, I was scared of my inner critic.

There is something inside all of us that alerts us when we go down the wrong path—our conscience. But I’m not talking about our conscience, but rather the voice that stops you from achieving your full potential. The voice that prevents you from doing something even though you know deep inside that it is the right thing. The voice that beats you up for the slightest error.

This voice inside me grew louder when I did something against the grain, like excusing myself from a party to enjoy a quiet evening. It accused me of being an anti-social, self-centred person. It made me think my friends would drift away if I continued this behavior. I felt controlled by this voice of mine, which turned out to be my vice.

Remember, this voice, which you’ve trained your mind to believe, is the result of the misconceptions about friends and life in general. So suppressing this voice is not the solution; the more you suppress it, the louder it grows.

Rather, this voice needs to be answered with reason. When I started explaining to my inner critic that it’s not always possible to be there for everyone else and that caring for myself does not amount to being anti-social, I felt the voice becoming feeble.

Repeat positive affirmations to yourself when the critic inside you grows stronger.

Whenever your genuine self feels threatened by others’ opinions, you need to love yourself enough to stand up for it. It’s only by fostering self-respect that you gain the confidence to face the world without a mask. Self-respect acts as a shield that protects your true self from the confusions of the external world.

Cast away the fear of being different.

It’s okay to have different wants and desires as long as you don’t hurt anyone. Your perspective on life does not have to be the same as all your friends’ perspectives.

Don’t pretend to share someone else’s view just to fit in. Understand that being different is not equivalent to being weird.

Having a different say on the matter brings with it the possibility of conflict. But conflict is not something to fear and be avoided, as it provides a chance to understand the person in front of you better and it can lead to interesting conversations, if you stay civil and open-minded.

I opened my eyes to the fact that nodding my head in approval at whatever my friend says does not bring me closer to her. When I started sharing my ambiverted views on socializing with my extroverted friend, we started arguing initially, but slowly we came to understand each other.

I gained insight into how extroverts have a natural tendency to express feelings loudly, and that being around people makes them happy. My friend, on the other hand, understood my need for a weekend at home to energize myself for the week ahead. She recognized that I actually enjoy spending time by myself. It proved to be a learning experience for both of us.

Only when you convey your opinion calmly, without needing to be right, can you forge a connection with someone. Accept the fact that you are unique just like everyone else.

Pause before saying yes.

Before you commit yourself to attending an event or helping someone else, pause and think about why you want to do it. It’s important to ask yourself first before saying yes to others.

The prospect of saying no often brings with it the fear of coming across as a rude person and potentially losing your friends. This rarely turns out to be true because in healthy relationships, both people understand that they need to provide space for each other.

When I decided to take a break from social obligations, I noticed that one or two of my friends distanced themselves from me, but nothing changed in my close relationships. They accepted and respected my decision.

Pushing yourself too hard will eventually lead to resentment. You can only be happy, and share that happiness with others, if you prioritize creating satisfaction from within.

Find your forte.

Everyone has a spark inside that needs the right channelling to shine. Experimenting and discovering what you really love doing is a great way to connect with your inner self.

When you do something that you love and have a natural flair for, you connect with yourself on a deeper level. You see the talents you possess. This gives you the confidence to be yourself without worrying about others’ approval.

Now, when someone calls me “poker face” it never bothers me because I know I am not an insensitive person with no emotions. I just choose to express them differently than others—through my writing. Writing helps me explore and express my emotions far better than speaking about them.

Make yourself feel good by taking some time for your favourite pastime. Engage yourself fully in that activity. Enjoy the feeling of getting lost in it.

Practice your art regularly, not for exhibiting it to the world, but to mirror the artist within you.

Strengthen your core values.

Core values are the principles that define us, and we should never compromise them just to please other people. Strong core values help us make choices that are right for us. They show us the path to peace in the midst of chaos. But it can be tough to hold on to our values when faced with outside influences, such as the people around us and the media.

When I was younger I believed that my work should do most of the talking, and I was confident in what I did. I used to believe that friendships happen, not by searching for them, but by putting myself in situations where I’d meet other people and having an open mind and heart.

When I started college, the urge to impress people made me forget these basic principles of mine. The idea of fitting in with my peers turned me into someone whom I barely recognized.

Eventually, I reinforced my basic beliefs by working hard to achieve my study goals and allowing myself to be authentic. I also listened to people with an open mind rather than dominating conversations. These small actions helped me reconnect with myself

Celebrate your true self.

Every person in the world has their own strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect, even if they seem that way. What meets the eye is just the tip of an iceberg. So never beat yourself up for mistakes, embarrassments, or for having negative thoughts. All of these contribute to the uniqueness of your character.

The moment I started being myself, I noticed a lot of people just like me, lost and isolated in the big world. I actually made new friends who loved me as I am.

The world wants to know your authentic self, with all your flaws, rather than a staged, perfected version. So never be afraid to show your true colors.

—

We must grow and improve to reach great heights, but reach out only for those goals that truly appeal to you. Life has insightful lessons to teach—learn them your way, at your own pace.

Reveal your genuine self and expose the glorious treasures buried deep inside you to the world. Remove the shadows of self-doubt from your life and let your immaculate self soar high beyond boundaries.

January 21, 2018
How to Make Your Cruel Inner Voice Work for You, Not Against You

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.” ~Carlos Castaneda

I’ve always had issues with food, but in the past five years this struggle became a full-blown eating disorder.

I remember the first time I thought I was too big, in fourth grade. Now I know that I wasn’t too big. Maybe I hadn’t outgrown my baby fat yet, but I wasn’t overweight. Still, all the other girls at my school were smaller than me.

There was one day when a pediatrician came to our school for a health check. Everyone was measured, weighed, etc. I can still feel the sheer horror I felt when my friends asked about my weight.

I lied, but they didn’t believe me. Instead, they called me fat and ugly and told me that they didn’t want to play with me any longer.

This feeling, this shame, stuck with me all my life.

Since that day I’ve struggled with low self-esteem and the fear of not being accepted for who I am. I believe this was beginning for my eating disorder.

Inner Voices

In therapy I learned that my self-talk influences me tremendously, and I also learned that the inner voices aren’t always right. Sometimes they are ego-driven, and not focused on what’s the best for me in the long run.

My inner voice told me that I’d only be worthy and likable if I were skinny.

It would cheer me up when I was eating less than the day before, and it would beat me up when I ate “too much.” (Note: one apple plus one tub of cottage cheese was “too much”!)

I was literally starving myself. I was so brainwashed by that constant mantra of “Come on, Mona. You’re stronger than your hunger! You made it yesterday! You don’t have to eat!” that I didn’t realize I was highly depressed and severely underweight.

When I finally got tired of feeling constantly miserable, it took two therapists, countless tears, and an incredible amount of hard work to overcome my destructive behavior.

But I can proudly say, I did it. I made peace with my eating disorder voice.

Now I want to share with you the technique that kick-started my recovery and gave me back my life.

Our Inner Team

The inner team is a model borrowed from communication psychology, developed by German psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun.

Schulz von Thun uses working groups or teams as metaphor for the inner voices we all embody (the inner plurality) and a team leader, who ideally decides and executes (that’s you).

Unfortunately, our inner voices usually don’t act like a team, but more like a gathering of selfish narcissists pretending to be important, often by screaming louder than everyone else.

The composition of our inner team depends on our given circumstances, upbringing, and environment.

In my team, for example, there is “the rational.” Its comments are well thought out and very reasonable. It wants results, numbers, and theories—“no emotional bs.” I also have “the perfectionist,” who always insists on excellence and nothing less.

In the past five years my loudest voice was my eating disorder voice. It’s been bullying all the other team members to silence them, frantically screaming the calories I had just eaten or pretending to be “the only one who really cares.”

Here’s how I got my inner team from a one-woman-show (starring my eating disorder voice) to a team of equal partners, trying to achieve a win-win-situation.

How To Manage Your Inner Team

Step 1: Identify the team members.

Who are they? What do they say? Can you give them a name? I suggest you make a sketch to visualize the team constellation.

When I was in therapy, I paid attention throughout the course of one normal day to listen to and identify the voices that popped up.

The first thing in the morning I “heard” a voice telling me that I’d screwed up the day before. It told me that I’d destroyed everything I’d worked for by eating so much and that I had to skip breakfast to make up for it.

This was my eating disorder voice.

Then a quiet little voice spoke up: “Don’t be to hard on yourself, honey. You restricted yourself for so long, you deserve that cake. And not just one little slice. You deserve the whole cake.” This is, what I call, “the Mother,” as my mum (and grandma) always emphasized the importance indulging in food.

This team member deeply cares about me and wants to protect me from starving myself, but as “the Eating Disorder” is so overly powerful, it needs to become more drastic itself.

As I told you, I also embody “the Perfectionist.” During my eating disorder phase, all my team members were affected by the message the eating disorder voice kept yelling.

It’s like you’re being brainwashed. And so were my other team members.

I always had an interest in clean eating and when I tried to integrate this concept in my life, “the Perfectionist” was my biggest enemy. If I ate clean for a whole day, but then had a slice of birthday cake, it would beat me up for not eating 100% clean:

“You’re a failure. You just totally screwed up. Why would you even eat healthy, when eventually you’re always going to ruin everything?”

Then “the Mother” would jump on that wagon, encouraging me to indulge into the cake, while the eating disorder would furiously try to stop me from doing so.

With these and my three other team members, it got messy in my head. The next step gives order to the chaos.

Step 2: Listen carefully.

Now every team member gets the chance to explain him or herself in greater detail. Make sure to listen carefully to every one and write down the main arguments.

Some of mine included:

Eating disorder: “I just want you to be skinny so that you’re confident and no one can hurt you. So please stop eating so much.”

Perfectionist: “If you stop making mistakes, people will like you. When you’re perfect, they’ll have nothing to criticize.”

Mother: “You are stressed, I can feel it. Have some cake to calm down; you deserve it. You have to take care of yourself.”

Only if you truly accept each team member will you understand its message. Think of a team at work. You have to accept people and face them with openness so that they are willing to share their thoughts with you. Only then can you really try to understand what they want need.

Step 3: Brainstorm.

In the previous step you acknowledged each of your team members and gave them permission to exist. Now dig into what each one of them really needs.

Let’s go back to my example and have a closer look on what my team really wants and needs:

Eating Disorder: I want to protect you and I want you to love yourself so that you can be confident around other people.

Perfectionist: I want to protect you from the pain of not being liked.

Mother: I want to help you comfort and take care of yourself.

Slightly different from what their message was before, isn’t it?

Now it’s time to get creative: How can you satisfy the needs in a healthy way? A piece of cake won’t give you any comfort or make you feel less stressed. All it does is provide energy for your body, when what you really need might be a break.

Step 4: Decide.

Now that you’re aware of the different motivations, concerns, and needs, it’s easier for you to make an informed and self-determined decision.

I easily get stressed and would turn to food for comfort. Now that I’m aware of this pattern it’s easier for me to resist the urge to swallow down a jar of peanut butter and do some light yoga instead.

When my eating disorder voice starts saying that I have to lose weight to be liked, I start talking to it. I say that I heard and appreciate its concerns and that I’m working on becoming more confident, but that I’ve decided to try a different approach this time.

—

This is my version of the Inner Team framework, and even if seems a little strange at first to “communicate with your inner voices,” it’s so beneficial.

This process gives you the chance to take a step back and slow down instead of rushing through life one autopilot decision after another.

You become mindful.

By allowing all your inner voices to co-exist, you reduce their tendency to catch your attention through “screaming.” Acknowledge their right to exist and know that they do want the best for you, though their suggestions aren’t always right.

I can genuinely say that I finally arrived at a point where I am in charge. Thanks to my inner team, I have the power to choose.

And I choose a healthy life.

Photo credit: © Mariayunira | Stress Woman Photo

April 27, 2016
How to Stop Being a Victim of Your Own High Expectations
“The outward freedom that we shall attain will only be in exact proportion to the inward freedom to which we may have grown at a given moment. And if this is a correct view of freedom, our chief energy must be concentrated on achieving reform from within.” ~Gandhi

If someone asked you to recall the last time you were kind to yourself, would you struggle to bring up that memory?

At one point in time, I couldn’t remember ever being kind to myself.

I grew up with a lot of expectations from a demanding mother and other caretakers. Their expectations were all about them being in control and always being right.

It was more than confusing; it left me with a need to prove myself constantly, and it gave me an inner critic that berated me at an early age.

Years later, I got a job in corporate America where expectations were clear-cut and measured. Positive encouragement and regular successes made me feel good about myself.

I became addicted to that feeling. My ego encouraged me to continually exceed other peoples’ expectations by making my own even higher. My inner critic accepted nothing less.

Then I started my own business. I expected success to come quickly, easily, and be beyond anything I had experienced before.

It certainly bypassed my expectations—in the worst way possible.

This is a story of failure and how life got better when three small changes worked together to free me from being a victim of my own expectations.

Take a look, and imagine what these changes can do for you.

Change One: How You Treat Yourself

Not only had my third attempt at creating a successful business failed but also the man I loved turned out to be a lying, thieving con artist who left me emotionally and financially broke.

Life became nothing more than dealing with shame, runaway anxiety, and panic attacks that flung me out of bed at night.

Then I tripped over a bag of books one day that I’d packed for a fundraiser. One fell out.

Have you ever heard of the Buddhist practice called loving-kindness? I hadn’t, but Tara Brach’s book Radical Acceptance that fell at my feet explained it to me. Desperate for any relief I gave it a go.

The practice begins with expressing loving-kindness first for yourself and then for others. Think you might have trouble with that? Then begin by expressing kindness to someone or something you love such as a pet. Take that feeling and transfer it to yourself.

That’s how I had to do it. It was both heart- and eye-opening to realize how mean I had been to myself, and for how long I’d been that way.

Though the full loving-kindness practice can take hours to complete, using this shortened version is a quick, effective way to feel better about yourself.

This is what I’ve taken as my mantra, but feel free to use your own words: May I be filled with loving-kindness. May I be held in loving-kindness. May I realize loving-kindness as my essence.

The practice is simple and easy to do: Eyes opened, lowered, or closed, speak the words quietly or silently, and immerse yourself in the feeling of loving-kindness for as long as you can or for as long as time permits. Thirty seconds is fine, but the longer you can sustain the feeling, the quicker you’ll reap the benefits of this practice.

Not only can you begin and end your day with loving-kindness but you can also easily practice it as you’re waiting for tea or coffee to brew, an elevator or bus to show up, or a person to come back after putting you on hold.

Aim for a total of six or more practices each day. Not only will that help you make a habit out of treating yourself kindly but it’s also a great stress buster.

Yes, you have to practice, but imagine how good you’ll feel when you fill yourself with all that loving-kindness.

Change Two: What You Say That Limits You

Though I was trying to be nicer to myself, my inner critic was entrenched in the judgmental family attitude.

When I challenged it to stop judging me so harshly, it was quick to call me out on my own behavior of judging people.

It was true. I judged, and I labeled.

Attach a label to someone and that’s how you see them and think of them—even when evidence exists to the contrary.

And what I was doing to other people was the same thing I was doing to myself.

So I challenged myself. For every negative label I wanted to attach to someone, I had to come up with at least six different reasons that would stop me from doing so.

For example, the person who cuts you off in traffic. Instead of labeling them as a stupid jerk, you think: Maybe they got fired or hired today. Or maybe it’s something tragic or serious that’s distracting them. Perhaps they just came from the dentist, and now they’re getting transmissions from outer space!

It’s a practice that I made a game out of, and like any game, it has rules:
1. You must focus on the person’s behavior and come up with six reasons that could have caused it.
2. At least some of the answers have to be within the realm of possibility.
3. Reject all expectations of finding the perfect answer or even coming up with six of them.
This practice is doable anywhere and with almost anyone, including kids.

It helps create an awareness of how labels limit your thinking and creates an awareness of the truth that what we do to other people reflects what we do to ourselves.

Don’t forget to play it with your inner critic. Listen closely and you might hear grinding noises as it tries to switch gears from beating you up to being supportive.

After all, if you can be less judgmental toward other people, how can it not do the same for you?

Change Three: What You Say That Belittles You

This one is about your self-talk habits. You know the ones when you ask yourself questions like, “How could I be so stupid? ” or, “OMG what a screw-up! Could I not make a bigger mess of things? ” or, “Why do I do this to myself? I’m such an idiot!”

Yes, labeling is definitely going on here, but this is different. This is all about your expectations of yourself and how you talk to yourself when you fail to meet them.

Even with the loving-kindness and labeling practices, my expectations of myself continued to run high. My inner critic loved beating up on me for every mistake, failure, or setback, real or imagined. Then one day, a little voice made itself heard, “Not being very kind to yourself, are you?”

So leaning heavily on my loving-kindness practice, I struggled to be more tolerant of my mistakes. Asking myself questions that would produce a more positive response was a big help.

For example: “Nothing is a total failure. There has to be something positive about this. What is it?” Or, “Is this really a mistake? Did I really screw up? Is it possible the outcome is acceptable?”

Think about those harsh ways you talk to yourself and the questions you ask that belittle you. They may be old reruns of taunts and questions other people used on you to make you feel ashamed or to justify punishing you.

Replace them with questions that explore the circumstances of your mistake or setback. Remember to look for anything that could be construed as positive. Doing so will help you reform your demanding expectations.

Sometimes, positives can be hard to find. That’s when you really want to be nice to yourself. Do extra loving-kindness practices, and then ask yourself what you’ve learned from what happened.

Experience can be a harsh teacher. Owning up to what you’ve learned may not be an easy pill to swallow. There may not be a spoonful of sugar to help it go down, but it’s certainly more desirable than beating yourself up, isn’t it?

Small Changes Have Large Impacts

These changes are small but powerful because they open you up to possibilities that you may not have considered previously.

They help you stop being victimized by your own expectations by treating yourself more kindly, by helping you realize that judging other people is closely aligned with the labels and limitations you put on yourself, and by helping you see the positives in supposed failures and cut yourself some slack.

Changing habits of thought and behaviors is challenging, but if I can do this, you certainly can!

It all begins with a practice taking less than a minute, six times a day. It’s a small practice of showering yourself with loving-kindness.

It’s easy to start. It’s easy to do. Just repeat after me:

“May I be filled with loving-kindness. May I be held in loving-kindness. May I realize loving-kindness as my essence.”
March 7, 2016
7 Things to Realize When You Think You Don’t Matter
“I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz of Shiraz

Have you ever felt like you didn’t matter?

Were you ever held back from pursuing something because the voice in your head said, “Why bother?”

You’re not alone.

I once felt that way too, but I discovered a way out of that dark time.

In my early twenties, fresh out of college, I had my first professional job interview. I had the blissful optimism and naiveté characteristic of most college grads seeing a world full of infinite possibilities.

And although optimistic, I was understandably apprehensive because it was relatively difficult for a first-time interview.

It consisted of the following:
- An interview lasting one to two hours conducted by a panel of eight to ten people.
- Answering questions in Spanish since being bilingual was a requirement.
I prepared for a week and hoped for the best.

In the beginning, the situation was quite unnerving with everyone watching and analyzing me, but then it got relatively easier. Yet, just when I started to feel somewhat comfortable, someone asked me a question in Spanish (my big weakness).

I wasn’t confident speaking conversational Spanish, so when I answered the question, I completely choked, and my Spanish sounded like I was a toddler learning how to talk. All of a sudden one of the other interviewers belted out raucous laughter, and the humiliation poured over me like a waterfall.

After ten seconds of awkward silence, the rest of the interview didn’t matter because I felt more insignificant than a speck of dust.

And, not only did I not get the job, but the resulting humiliation also destroyed my self-worth and bruised my youthful, inexperienced ego.

I didn’t bother interviewing for another job for almost a year.

Not until I had some clarity one day looking into my daughter’s eyes did I realize how I had allowed someone to control my life like an invisible bully.

I wanted to take back control, move on, and not live life feeling so small.

I had to be strong for my daughter and regain my self-worth.

I realized seven things we should remember when we think we don’t matter:

1. We all have the same emotional pain points: insecurity, self-doubt, and fear of not belonging.

As different as we all are outwardly, we feel the same emotional pain. Some of us hide it or mask it with anger, mean-spiritedness, and insensitivity, while a minority can clearly communicate that pain in a healthy way. In the end, we all want the comfort of belonging to a group and the feeling of sincere acceptance.

Stop feeding your pain by comparing yourself with others.

Whether it’s a lack of success in relationships, financial issues, or being insecure about your body, focus on the emotional indirect connection with others instead, and feel less alone by knowing you share this pain with everyone

2. You were blessed with a “super power.”

You may not know it, but you can do something so easily that you take it for granted. If you are unsure what that super power is, take the time to deeply reflect on the possibilities: intuitive, artistic, empathic, talented dancer or musician, skilled cook, caring, organized, etc.

This is your super power or skill you are blessed with. No matter what you think, this blessing is significant, so recognize you have a gift, use it, and share it with the world.

3. Confidence can be learned.

You may think that people are born confident, but this isn’t true; confidence can be learned. It also can be rebuilt. For me, the difficult first step of doing another job interview began the process of rebuilding my confidence, and steadily my confidence grew with each interview I tackled afterward.

Know it’s possible and don’t get shut down by the myth that you either have confidence or you don’t. Learning to be confident will test your comfort levels, but building confidence is a process that even the most timid can achieve.

4. Look at low points in your life without self-judgment.

Just like we take care of a physical injury, emotional pain also must be taken care of in deeply caring ways.

The most important thing to do when you are at a low point in your life is don’t judge or self-blame. Punishing yourself by going through that mental loop of I deserve this, or I’m worthless is like walking on a broken leg; you won’t heal.

Be gentle to yourself, give yourself time, and rebuild your strength—you’ll get through.

5. Of all the voices in the world, the loudest and most insidious is your inner voice.

The inner critic wants you to believe the lie that you must be perfect. Trying to be perfect all the time strips the joy out of life.

If you don’t accomplish goals, don’t know what you want yet, and make numerous mistakes, that’s okay because life is about discovery.

The only obligation you have is to be true to yourself. Don’t empower that inner critic by listening. Instead, drown out that voice by talking to yourself in more encouraging ways; you’ll live your life with more joy this way

6. You don’t need to know what others think. In other words, nobody will please and be liked by everyone.

Stop obsessing about what others think. You can’t control their thoughts because it isn’t within your control. So let go of that forever.

Free yourself and know that you can’t possibly please everyone. The greatest creators, dreamers, and innovators faced the worse kind of adversity and were hated by many people. Just be the real you and nothing more.

Don’t allow others to validate your worth; all you need to know is you are doing the best that you can do, and that’s enough.

Throughout your life, gather the ideas, thoughts, and opinions of others, but always look within and live your truth. We all want acceptance, but if you never live your truth, you will always be imprisoned by other people’s opinions.

7. Rejection is not failure; it means something better that you deserve is coming.

That rejection by a love interest or that HR Manager for the job opportunity you really wanted is not a failure. You are simply in the process of getting what you deserve and what is right for you.

The doors that slam in your face may be many, but soon you’ll realize they were secret blessings that you will look back on fondly. When people say, “No,” keep trying and eventually you’ll find that one proverbial door that will finally be the one meant just for you.

Rejection is better than doing nothing because you’re at least trying and building momentum, regardless of how crappy you may feel.

If you want something, momentum begins when you take the first step, even if it is the tiniest step.

Make Your Inner Light Burn Brighter

Regardless of all the curveballs that life throws at you, know that you completely matter.

You may feel your self-worth has been lost, but don’t lose hope.

Focus on what connects you with others (both flaws and strengths), embrace your superpower and not your weaknesses, strengthen your confidence one step at a time, and be empowered to accomplish your dreams.

Know that everyone endures the ebb and flow of life in different ways.

Before you know it, the bounce will return to your step, and your confidence will radiate the room.

It’s only a matter of time.

Let me know which of these points you’ll embrace today.

Woman in a ski jacket image via Shutterstock
January 4, 2015
How to Practice Self-Compassion: 5 Tips to Stop Being Down on Yourself

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” ~Jack Kornfield

I never wanted to see a therapist. I imagined settling onto the storied couch and seeing dollar signs appear in concerned eyes as I listed the family history of mental illness, addiction, and abuse. I feared I’d be labeled before I’d ever been heard.

But after experiencing the emotional shock of witnessing a murder, I knew I needed a space to grieve. So I gathered all of my courage and laid myself bare to a very nice woman who had Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements on her coffee table. I trusted her.

Within moments of meeting me, that very nice woman shattered the world I knew. The characteristics I viewed as strengths—my drive, my nurturing nature, my strength under pressure—were neatly organized into a single neurosis: codependency.

As I leafed through the pages of the book she recommended to me, I saw myself in the narrative of the co-dependent: giving until I had given all that I had; investing myself deeply in the mental health of those around me; constantly trying to make others happy.

But rather than find comfort in the words on the pages, I found myself sinking into despair. All of those years I thought that I had escaped my past unscathed, and here I was, stuck with a label: codependent.

Week after week, I dove deeper into this idea that perhaps I needed to confront my past; perhaps I did need to grieve. I cried. I raged. I stopped eating. I ate too much. My health declined.

My therapist told me I needed to relax. So I woke up early every day, determined to be the most relaxed person I could be: always striving to relax harder, better. And yet I didn’t feel better; I felt worse.

By accepting a label given to me by a near stranger, I had unconsciously shifted my focus from living in the present to fixing something that I perceived to be wrong with my past. And it had overwhelmed me.

My inner critic gained a strength previously unknown to me. Every day, I thought about how I might make myself better. I cursed at myself for being unable to let go, and then I cursed at myself for cursing at myself.

I was exhausted.

As I slowly came to realize that I could not keep up with that inner critic, something changed. I accepted that I couldn’t be perfect. I accepted that I was human.

Only by finding my edge—that place where I couldn’t take any more—was I able to finally let go. When my inner critic started to rear its head, I learned to stick up for myself as I might defend a friend: “I am only human. I am not perfect, nor do I need to be.”

With that simple acknowledgement—I am not perfect, nor do I need to be—I was finally able to free myself not only from the pain of past experiences, but also from the pain that came from reducing myself to a label.

By learning to practice self-compassion, I became comfortable with the person I am today, free of expectations.

The journey to self-compassion was a difficult one for me, but I believe it to be a journey that I will only need to take once. Today, I have the tools I need to practice self-compassion without having to first battle my inner critic, and these are tools that anyone can use:

1. Acknowledge challenges and let them go.

I always remember, “I am not perfect, nor do I need to be.” When entirely normal emotions come up—frustration, stress, anger, fear—I remind myself that no one expects me to be perfect. I allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel and to then let it go.

2. Remember that you are exactly where you need to be.

When we start our journey inward, we may learn things about ourselves that shock us. I try to remember that every challenge has its purpose and I am exactly where I need to be today.

3. Practice self-growth rather than self-improvement.

Improvement implies that there is something to fix. Rather than attempting to “fix” what’s “wrong,” I focus instead on strengthening what’s right. Work toward personal growth rather than some idea of perfection.

4. Speak to yourself as you would speak to a friend.

As I faced challenges in my personal growth, I learned to be kind to myself. If a friend was struggling with an uncomfortable emotion, I would never criticize that friend with language like, “Why can’t you just learn to be happy all of the time?!” So I don’t speak to myself that way either.

5. Give yourself a hug.

Go on. Right now. Just do it. That felt good, didn’t it?

Self-compassion is an inside job. I’ve learned that if I am gentle with myself, the world becomes a gentler place. I invite you to experience it too.

Photo by Joseph Vasquez

November 24, 2013
A Simple Process to Deal with a Hypercritical Mind
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

“I can’t believe I screwed this up again!”

“Why did I do that?”

“This is all my fault!”

The third grader ruminated as he walked away from the soccer field where his team had tied, two to two. It was their sixth tie in seven games.

The lone game that was not a tie was a loss. According to this young man, his team’s record was a direct reflection of his worth; therefore, verbal self-deprecation was the only response one should have after such failure.

His mother waited for him in the parking lot, hoping her ultra-competitive son would cool off from this perceived-to-be-colossal failure before heading home, but she knew how he was and was bracing herself for the usual tirade of self-deprecation.

The third grader opened the passenger door, felt the synthetic coolness of the air conditioner, and plopped down into his seat.

“Hi honey. How are you doing?” she asked, trying to gauge her son’s emotions.

“Bad. We tied again,” he stated.

“You played well, though,” she remained kind and supportive.

“No I didn’t. We tied,” he reiterated.

“You can’t be so hard on yourself. You have another game next week,” she said with concern.

“Mom! Please just stop! We tied…again! I’m sick of it! I’d rather just lose, but we find a way to tie everyone! We tie the best team in the league, the average team, and then today we tie this crappy team! I’m sick of it!” he shouted, nearing tears, and then explained:

“I’m sorry, Mom. I’m mad at myself, not at you. I just don’t want to talk about it. I’m a jerk.”

That third grader was me—still is to a certain extent.

This third person account was my first memory of being “hyper self-critical,” as my internship supervisor accurately wrote in her evaluation of me a year ago.

At first I wrote this story in the first person, and I felt the same emotions as I did back in third grade.

When I wrote it in the third person, I was able to gain distance from the experience, and objectively see how ridiculous I behaved, and how sad it is to see a third grader put that much pressure on himself for something that’s supposed to be fun.

I am still “hyper self-critical.” Although I may not be throwing a tantrum, yelling at my mom, dad, and teammates, I still have this screaming critic telling me the things I have, am, and will screw up.

When I was younger, I took great pride in my inner critic.

I liked that I was hard on myself, that I expected perfection, and when I wasn’t perfect I cursed myself, punched a wall, yelled at a concerned friend or family member, and then isolated myself, promising that I would never screw up again.

Then, I’d screw up again. The cycle continued.

I continued this cycle all the way through college. I would start off the semester doing great, and then one missed assignment or one poor quiz score, and I’d berate myself for being stupid and lazy.

Luckily for everyone around me, I learned to keep my disappointment to myself, so no more self-deprecating rants.

It wasn’t until I took a class in conflict resolution that I began to question my perfectionist tendencies. In this class we learned a lot about communicating empathetically with co-workers, friends, family members, and significant others.

However, the internal conflicts, more specifically, the section on self-forgiveness, stuck with me.

This topic was not a monumental moment that forever changed my life; I don’t really believe in such moments. Rather, it was the first time I pondered the usefulness of being so critical of myself.

Is it really useful to dwell on mistakes and feel terrible about them constantly?

No. It was not helpful, but it did not change the content of my thoughts because of this realization, nor did it make me feel any better. Instead I felt frustrated with myself.

I always looked at mistakes as learning opportunities; however, I never thought of them as acceptable in my mind. I understood that I inevitably would make mistakes, but this understanding conveniently disappeared when I would fall short of my expectations.

A few months after this class, I started seeing a therapist.

I justified going to therapy as an educational experience to further my understanding of my major, psychology; however, the truth was I wanted to understand my past and how it has shaped me.

From therapy, I learned to view past versions of myself from a third person perspective, which allowed me to empathize with the younger me.

I saw how hard this young boy worked, how much he achieved, and how frequently he felt inadequate and berated himself for everything that could have gone better, either within his control or outside of his control.

It did not matter to this boy. Coming up short was the result of his effort, no one else. No excuses.

Eventually, I was able to see some of my failures were not simply a lack of drive and/or intelligence; they were the result of my environment, so naturally I began to blame people, places, and things.

Mainly I blamed my dad, and my family’s history of bipolar disorder and depression, for my hypercritical mind.

Seeing things this way allowed me to forgive myself a bit more, but then I was angry with my dad for instilling his hypercritical mind in me.

A new cycle had started and I felt worse than ever before. As soon as I was by myself, which was often, I would break down thinking about my history, feeling sorry for myself and finally crying.

Gradually, the blaming dissipated and gave way to acceptance, and I began to actually like the person I am, appreciate my upbringing, and accept but not buy into the hypercritical part of my mind.

Instead of getting wrapped up in my thoughts and emotions, I learned to see that I am a person having particular thoughts and particular emotions. I am not the thoughts and emotions. I am the action I take.

I’m all right with the thoughts and emotions that I experience. I’m actually grateful for my mind’s criticism.

Without the ridiculous criticism my mind concocts, I wouldn’t have my dry sense of humor, my drive to improve, nor would I experience the triumph of realizing that I can have doubts, worries, and negative thoughts, yet still act in accordance with my values.

I definitely by no means would say, “I’ve figured it out” or anything near that, but maybe I’m just being too critical?

It’d be unrealistic to expect my mind to think I have perfected anything, but through my experience, I have found the following process useful when dealing with my hypercritical mind:
- Take a nice, slow breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.
- Ask yourself, “Is this thought useful?”
- If it is not, thank your mind for the input and…
- Act in accordance with your values, not your hypercritical mind.
You don’t have to feel a certain way or have particular thoughts to act in accordance with your values.

Photo by threephin
October 16, 2013
Silencing Your Inner Critic: You Don’t Need to Torture Yourself to Grow

“You yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

I was tortured by self-hatred for most of my life.

There were aspects of myself that I had a hard time loving. I didn’t like that I am competitive, that I was not a blonde with blue eyes, that I am not good at math or managing money.

I did everything I could to hide these things. I was over-caring, over-helping, and over-accommodating others.

I think I did a pretty good job of not being myself. This created additional psychic pain in me. I felt like Picasso who was not allowed to paint or Mozart who was banned from approaching another musical instrument again.

The funny thing is, I was the one doing it to myself. I was no longer a child under the mercy of my critical, perfectionist parents (who were in pain and unconscious themselves). I had become my parents! I had become my worst critic.

I wondered, “Why am I so mean to myself? What could I have done in a past life or in this lifetime that could warrant such self-torture?”

Interestingly enough, even when I tried to conjure up the filthiest, sickest scenario, I had a hard time hating that imaginary person doing the crime.

I had worked with criminals in a prison. I knew their stories and what they went through. It doesn’t condone their behavior, but I could see the chain of pain and lack of love that was passed on to them, and then from them. I just couldn’t hate them.

If I couldn’t hate these criminals, why did I hate myself so much? It seemed so illogical.

Then I remembered reading about the inner critic. I looked into it further and started getting to know this beast. In addition to my inner critic, there were many parts of myself that had helped me survive.

I had an inner protector, a hermit, a social butterfly, a flirt, and many other parts that served a purpose.

For example, “The Flirt” was helping me make friends and gain clients and extract the juice out of my relationships by being playful. “The Hermit” knew when I needed to recharge my mental, emotional, and physical bodies. “The Social Butterfly” helped me find and attract communities that met my different needs.

They all had a job to do, but they needed to be in balance.

Some of these selves were created out of necessity when I was young and didn’t have enough safety and kindness in my life. But I was no longer that little girl. Some of these selves were such loyal servants that they never left me all my life. I recognized this with gratitude that came out of nowhere.

Suddenly, instead of hating my inner critic, I felt a sense of compassion for how hard she had been working to keep me safe from rejection, ridicule, abandonment, and many other rational and irrational fears. I decided that I didn’t want her to work so hard anymore. She had done a great job.

Maybe I was selfish, lazy, negative, arrogant, and bitter. So what? Aren’t all these parts of me and personality traits so human? How many people do I know and love who have some unpleasant or unbalanced qualities or habits? Many. Their qualities do not make me not love them. Those are their quirks.

So then came the self-inventory.

Do I make a genuine effort to call myself out on my stuff when I am conscious enough to see it? Yes.

Do I make an effort to make amends with people I have hurt? Yes.

Am I someone who genuinely wants to be a balanced individual who serves others? Yes.

Then what is the problem?

Does this mean that I was going to let it all go and be a mean, bitter, selfish, codependent woman?

No.

How about if I cut myself some slack? How about I practice being gentle with myself and give this poor inner critic a break?

“I no longer need to torture myself to grow.”

Oh, that felt good to say it to myself. I took another deep breath to let this new reality/belief set in. I felt freer, and more loving toward all of life.

I knew that I had to work at sustaining and integrating this new belief. I had, in the past, had big revelations but had taken the wisdom for granted. Then I would slip back to my old behavioral and thought patterns.

Back then I didn’t understand that our brain needs to integrate new concepts in the same way we learn a new language.

So I immediately made a plan. It didn’t have to be a perfect plan, but had to be something I could stick to, since I knew that our brain learns by repetition.

I wrote down affirmations that felt right to my heart. I started a running “What I love about myself” list. I started writing down things I was even shy about. “I love my hair. I love my toes. I love my sense of humor. I love my fragile, sensitive heart.”

I was finally on paper. And it didn’t look so bad. I started reading it out loud to myself every day, and adding to it.

My neediness toward people started decreasing. When I made plans to hang out with them, I noticed that my secret need was no longer to be comforted, approved, or supported by them. I was just open to every encounter for what the exchange would bring for everyone involved.

The shift wasn’t overnight, but I kept at it. The more love I felt for myself and the less I gave my full attention to my inner critic, the happier I became.

My energy shifted. People were attracted to me as clients and friends. After three months of isolation, I was being invited to parties, camping trips, and concerts. I picked where I wanted to be and who I wanted to be around. I listened to my inner child and followed her nudges.

These are the steps I followed in learning to love myself:

1. Get to know your inner critic, its voice, and its intentions.

Activate your observer self and listen to what it is saying as if you are hearing it on the radio. Recognize that this is an old tape repeating the criticism of society and the people who raised you to ensure your emotional and physical safety. It is running on autopilot.

2. Take some time to yourself; go deep inside.

Explore what you could have done to deserve this much self-hate/criticism. Look for an example of a person or situation where you can’t hate someone who’s made a mistake, even if you wanted to.

Let your brain help you find proof that you don’t deserve your self-criticism. When you find it, you will create a crack in that thought pattern. But that alone is not enough to break it open and get it to release.

3. Make a realistic plan.

List three things you can do to raise your self-esteem. These can be as simple as: “I will say ‘I love you’ to myself ten times a day,” or “I will look at myself in the mirror and identify things I like about myself every morning before leaving the house.”

The trick is that they need to feel doable to you. This is your plan. You are in charge of what you want to do. Make it a joyful and fun one.

4. Stick with the program.

I find that I get the best results when I keep track of it. Seeing a day or two of missing my exercises or meditation bothers me and motivates me to get back into it.

5. Start hanging out with people who make you feel good.

These are the people who see and experience you as who you really are. Let people who love you reflect the real you back to you. Start hanging out with people who could use cheering up. Reflect back to them how you see them. Practice the balance of receiving and giving.

6. Know that you have the power to take the reins from this inner critic.

It has been doing a great job, but it doesn’t need to drive the car anymore. Once you decide this, the rest is pretty much practice and patience.

My inner critic was so harsh that it was hard for friends to watch me hurt myself that way, but I’ve learned to love myself. You can do it too.

Photo by MrVertrau

October 16, 2013