Tiny Buddha

Tag: hurt

  • How to Deal with Uncomfortable Feelings & Create Positive Ones

    How to Deal with Uncomfortable Feelings & Create Positive Ones

    “Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” ~Jean Kerr

    For most of my life, I was a fugitive from my feelings.

    Psychologists suggest that we are driven by two connected motivations: to feel pleasure and avoid pain. Most of us devote more energy to the latter than the former.

    Instead of being proactive and making choices for our happiness, we react to things that happen in our lives and fight or flee to minimize our pain.

    Instead of deciding to end an unhealthy relationship and open up to a better one, we may stay and either avoid confrontation or initiate one to feel a sense of control. Instead of leaving a horrible job to find one we love, we may stay and complain about it all the time, trying to minimize the pain of accepting the situation as real—and enduring until we change it.

    From a very young age, I felt overwhelmed by pain. As a pre-teen, I ate my feelings. As a teen, I starved them away. In college, I drank and smoked them numb. And in my twenties, I felt and cried my eyes red and raw.

    I sobbed. I wailed. I shook and convulsed. And I wished I’d never chosen to feel them, but rather kept pushing them down, pretending everything was fine.

    Except when I did that, they didn’t just go away—they compounded on top of each other and built up until eventually I exploded, with no idea why I felt so bad. (more…)

  • The Gifts of Empathy: We’re Not Alone with What We’re Feeling

    The Gifts of Empathy: We’re Not Alone with What We’re Feeling

    Hugging

    “In separateness lies the world’s great misery, in compassion lies the world’s true strength.” ~Buddha

    When asked why I write fiction, I used to say, “Because I enjoy writing and revising sentences” or “Because I like practicing an art I’ll never perfect” or “Because I love to read.” All those reasons remain true, but my answer has changed.

    The most important reason I write stories, and read them, is to practice empathy.

    Strange how we often feel empathy more easily for fictional characters than for real people. One reason is that sometimes we get to know fictional characters more deeply than our family members and friends.

    Too often in real life we keep aspects of our true selves hidden and miss an important opportunity to connect with other human beings.

    How many times has this happened to you? You run into a friend, sometimes a close friend, who says, “How are you doing?” and you say, “Good! How are you?” and the friend says, “Good!” Meanwhile, you’re not doing well at all, and later you discover that your friend hadn’t been doing well.

    Recently, I tried something different. When a friend asked how I was, I told him the truth—that I’d had a difficult week.

    He said, “I’m sorry to hear that. I know a few other people who had a rough week.” He waited to see if I wanted to share more, but didn’t prod. Then he said, “Hey, I hope you have a better week next week.” I could tell that he meant it, and that made me feel a little better, a little less alone.

    I’m not suggesting that we all become confessional and reveal our secret struggles, fears, and pains with everyone we meet. But I am suggesting that you don’t have to feel alone. When you take a chance and share a hidden part of yourself with someone, it’s amazing how often people respond with, “Me too.”

    Here is the most important thing to remember: Whatever you’re feeling, someone else has felt it. Whatever you’re going through, someone else has gone through it. You may feel alone, especially if what you’re experiencing is very frightening or painful, but you are never alone.

    I was having dinner with a close friend the other night, sharing with him about a difficult time in my life, the most difficult, when I had hurt someone I love very much. (more…)

  • 10 Happiness Tips for People Who Have Been Hurt

    10 Happiness Tips for People Who Have Been Hurt

    “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” ~Unknown

    Maybe someone hurt you physically or emotionally. Maybe you’ve survived something else traumatic—a natural disaster, a fire, an armed robbery. Or maybe you’ve just come out of a trying situation, and though you know you’ll eventually recover, you still feel pain that seems unbearable.

    Whatever the case may be, you’ve been scarred and you carry it with you through many of your days.

    Most of us can relate on some level to that feeling. Even people who excel at taking personal responsibility have at least one story of having been hurt. Though some of us have endured more serious situations, you really can’t quantify or compare emotional pain.

    To a teenager who just had her heart broken, the pain really seems like the end of the world. In fact, Livestrong estimates that every 100 minutes, a teenager takes their life—and that the number of suicides in high-income families is the same as in poor families.

    Presumably, not all of those teens have suffered incomprehensible tragedies. What they have in common is pain, born from different adversities and circumstances.

    When you’re hurting some people might tell you to “let it go,” as if that’s a valid solution. They may say “it’s all in your head” and assume that reasons away the pain. But none of that will help you heal and find happiness from moment to moment.

    Like everyone, I’ve been hurt, in both profound and trivial ways. I’ve had to to acknowledge my feelings, process them, and then find ways to work through them so I could let go and move on. Here’s what helped me do just that.

    1. Define your pain.

    It’s not always easy to identify and understand what’s hurting you. Some people even stay in abusive relationships because it’s safer than acknowledging their many layers of pain: the low self-esteem that convinces them they deserve abuse, the shame over being treated with such cruelty, and the feeling of desperation that convinces them there’s no real way out.

    The first step toward finding happiness after having been hurt is to understand why you were hurt, to get to the root of everything that makes the memories hard.

    2. Feel and express that pain.

    There’s no guarantee that you’ll be able to communicate how you feel to the person who hurt you, and if you can, there’s no guarantee they’ll respond how you want them to. Say what you need to say anyway. Write in your journal. Write a letter and burn it. Get it all out.

    This will help you understand why you’re hurting and what you’ll do in the future to avoid similar pain, so you can feel empowered instead of victimized.

    Research has actually proven that people who focus on lessons learned while journaling find the experience more helpful than people who don’t.

    3. Try to stay in the present.

    Reliving the past can be addictive. It gives you the opportunity to do it again and respond differently—to fight back instead of submitting, to speak your mind instead of silencing yourself. It also allows you to possibly understand better. What happened? Where did you go wrong? What should you have done?

    Regardless of what you think you should have done, you can’t do it now. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, you may need professional help to avoid revisiting the incident. If you don’t, you need sustained effort. Fight the urge to relive the pain over and over. You can’t go back and find happiness there. You can only experience that now.

    4. Stop rehashing the story.

    Sometimes we tell a sad story over and over again as a way to avoid moving on from the past.

    It may seem like another way to understand what happened, or maybe it feels helpful to hear someone say you didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t deserve to hurt. And it’s okay if you need that for a while.

    But if you do this for years it keeps you stuck living your life around a memory and giving it power to control you.

    No amount of reassurance will change what happened. You can’t find happiness by holding onto a painful story and letting it control your life. You can only find happiness when you let it go and make room for something better.

    If telling your story empowers you and helps other people, then by all means share! Only you know where you are mentally and emotionally and whether telling your story is hurting or helping you.

    5. Forgive yourself.

    Maybe you didn’t do anything wrong but you blame yourself. Or maybe you played a role in creating your current situation. Regardless of what happened, you need to realize that what you did is not who you are. And even if you feel immense regret, you deserve to start today without carrying that weight. You deserve a break.

    You can either punish yourself and submit to misery, or forgive yourself and create the possibility of happiness. It comes down to whether you decide to dwell or move on. Which do you choose: anger with yourself and prolonged pain, or forgiveness and the potential for peace?

    6. Stop playing the blame/victim game.

    Maybe you were a victim. Maybe someone did horrible things to you, or you fell into an unfortunate set of circumstances through no fault of your own. It still doesn’t serve you to sit around feeling bad for yourself, blaming other people. In fact, it only holds you back. You can’t feel good if you use this moment to feel bad about another person’s actions.

    The only way to experience happiness is to take responsibility for creating it, whether other people made it easy for you or not. You’re not responsible for what happened to you in the past but you’re responsible for your attitude now. Why let someone who hurt you in the past have power over your present?

    7. Don’t let the pain become your identity.

    If everything you do and all your relationships center around something that hurt you, it will be harder to move on. You may even come to appreciate what that identity gives you: attention, the illusion of understanding, or the warmth of compassion, for example.

    You have to consider the possibility there’s a greater sense of happiness in completely releasing your story. That you’d feel better than you can even imagine if you’d stop letting your pain define you. You can have a sad story in your past without building your present around it.

    8. Reconnect with who you were before the pain.

    It’s not easy to release a pain identity, particularly if you’ve carried it around for a long time. It may help to remember who you were before that experience—or to consider who you might have become if it hadn’t happened.You can still be that person, someone who doesn’t feel bitter or angry so frequently.

    If you want to feel  peaceful and happy, start by identifying what that looks like—what you think about, what you do, how you interact with people. Odds are this process will remind you both how you want to be and how you don’t want to be.

    9. Focus on things that bring you joy in the moment.

    You don’t have to focus on completely letting go of your pain forever; you just have to make room for joy right now. Start simple. What’s something you can enjoy in this moment, regardless of what pain you’ve experienced? Would sitting in the sun bring you joy? Would calling your sister bring you joy?

    Don’t think about the totality of the rest of your days. That’s a massive burden to carry—haven’t you hurt enough? Just focus on now, and allow yourself a little peace. You’ll be surprised how easily “nows” can add up when you focus on them as they come.

    10. Share that joy with other people.

    We often isolate ourselves when we’re hurting because it feels safer than showing people our vulnerability. What we fail to realize is that we don’t have to feel vulnerable all the time. We can choose certain people for support, and then allow ourselves time with others without involving our painful stories.

    You can share a meal, a movie, a moment and give yourself a break from your anger or sadness. You don’t have to carry it through every moment of your day. Don’t worry—if you feel you need to remember it, you’ll still be able to recall it later. But as you allow yourself pockets of peace, shared with people you love, you may find you need that story a lot less.

    ***

    To be clear, you have a right to feel whatever you feel. And you don’t have to rush through your sadness or anger. We all need time to process our feelings. But there comes a time when we need to consciously choose to heal, let go, and move on. It’s a process, and it won’t be easy. But you deserve it.

    Everyone deserves to feel happy. Everyone deserves a little peace. One more thing we all have in common: we can only provide those things for ourselves.

    Photo here.

    **This post has been expanded to clarify a few crucial points.

  • 5 Tips to Forgive Instead of Letting Anger Control Your Life

    5 Tips to Forgive Instead of Letting Anger Control Your Life

    Forgive

    “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

    I made it my New Year’s resolution to forgive someone for his past actions. Unfortunately, he’s not here to know.

    My dad passed away from cancer last September. There are times I miss him a lot; other times, it’s nice to have peace in my life.

    We never got along. My mother and others told me it was because we were too much alike, but I knew that was not the case.

    That’s just something outsiders say when trying to simplify your relationship.

    Besides being extremely difficult to get along with, my dad had extramarital affairs, which I knew at an early age. I’m very close with my mom, so I took it personally. I was not going to let anyone hurt my best friend.

    My dad denied everything, but that didn’t release these feelings that I had inside me since I was a child.

    In August 2010, my father was diagnosed with head and neck cancer. He was self-sufficient for the first eight to nine months of his sickness, but in June 2011 he had to get a major surgery that left him totally dependent on his family.

    Since my mom worked full time, that left me to care for him. I knew I could put our past behind us during this time, but he couldn’t.

    My father didn’t want my help and got increasingly mad at me throughout that summer. He yelled at me for everything, and he threw glass at me. He treated me like garbage when all I wanted to do was help.

    Before his death, he wrote me a letter. At this time he was very ill with cancer, so the letter didn’t make sense. However, I still believed there were some truths in there. He told me he was disappointed in me, which felt like a dagger in my heart.

    It took me time, but I realized not everyone wants help.

    (more…)

  • The People We Need to Forgive Can be Our Greatest Teachers

    The People We Need to Forgive Can be Our Greatest Teachers

    “The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” ~Marianne Williamson

    I lay huddled in a ball, my arms tightly around my knees, screaming at the top of my lungs. “Stop!” I wailed.

    It was November 30, 2006. The next day I was turning 13, and it seemed like my life was crumbling before my eyes.

    Earlier that night I was on my computer mindlessly clicking, with the usual soundtrack in the background, my mother and stepfather screaming at each other—until I heard a shattering smash. For minutes the house lay silent.

    I crept out of my room, down the hallway to see my stepfather throwing my mother’s broken glasses back at her face. I saw the glass coffee table shattered.

    “Go through to your room Toni!” my mother yelled. I refused and stubbornly watched.

    My stepfather and mother continued to yell. Next the television hit the floor, and that’s when I found myself in the ball, screaming for it all to stop.

    After that night we moved into a women’s shelter for the abused and homeless. In a haze of Valium, depression, and nightmares I watched women pass me by. Their children’s eyes spoke of horrors.

    I spent the next five years of my life in a chaotic darkness within my head. I blamed myself for what had happened that night and despised what I was.

    During that time, my mother and I flew to the other side of the planet and back many times over, chasing fleeting moments and running away from ourselves.

    Eventually, my mother went back to my stepfather. Things quickly escalated and we again moved to another country, then to another state.

    After that night, a huge resentment boiled inside of me, particularly for my stepfather. Still, I would go up to visit him every now and then after we moved back to Sydney. (more…)

  • Relationships That Hurt: When Enough Is Enough

    Relationships That Hurt: When Enough Is Enough

    “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put them back together.” ~Unknown

    There was a time when I was quite black-and-white with relationships. I either trusted you implicitly, assuming you’d never intentionally hurt me, or believed you wanted to cause me pain and questioned everything you did.

    Once you moved yourself into the latter category, there was no going back.

    Eventually, I realized I was limiting my relationships by not recognizing the grey area, where people are human, they make mistakes, and they need forgiveness and understanding.

    From there I swung the pendulum the other way—I trusted everyone. I refused to consider that someone’s actions might reflect that they didn’t truly care. And I stayed in a lot of unhealthy relationships while making excuses for people.

    I wanted them to care. I wanted to believe they valued me—that it only meant I was interpreting incorrectly if their actions seemed to suggest otherwise.

    But this is where it gets confusing. On the one hand, we often create a lot of meaning in our heads that isn’t really there. We may feel convinced someone intended to be rude, inconsiderate, or thoughtless when really that wasn’t the case.

    On the other hand, sometimes actions speak louder than words, and our interpretations may be accurate.

    Sometimes someone is knowingly hurtful or neglectful. We need to be able to recognize that or we’ll end up feeling disempowered, disrespected, and stuck.

    So how do you know when to stay and when to walk away? How do you know when you’re not reading into things too much, or being too paranoid, or making mountains out of molehills, but rather simply seeing things for what they are?

    After placing myself in this situation more times than I’d like to count, I developed a little three-question guide that’s helped me recognize when enough is enough. (more…)

  • Reaching Out for Help When The Road Gets Rough

    Reaching Out for Help When The Road Gets Rough

    “Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

    There was a time in my life when I struggled to share my pain. I actually took great pride in how stubborn I had become. It wasn’t until I started looking within myself that these prideful attitudes started to shift. Actually, my whole life started to change.

    Once I started my journey of self-discovery, I no longer wanted to deal with my pain by myself. I slowly reached out to others and asked them for help.

    It was in asking for help and sharing my pain with others that I felt myself getting stronger. 

    I didn’t expect, however, that I’d need to ask for help repeatedly.

    In August of 2006, I was with a small group of people inside a airplane hanger that was used as a classroom to give instruction for skydiving. Worn-out couches and old beanbag chairs formed  a circle where we gathered. The décor on the walls was something you’d find in a local head shop that sold 60’s and 70’s paraphernalia.

    A positive vibe filled the room, as a young instructor prepped us on the safety procedures needed for jumping out of the plane.

    It had been sixteen years since I had made my first jump. When I shared this information with the instructor, she asked me, “What took you so long to come back?”

    I didn’t respond out loud, but simply smiled. I wasn’t brave enough to explain why I had come back this time.

    Initially, I jumped in the fall of 1990 as a way for me to turn my life over to  a higher power; that jump marked the beginning of my inner journey.

    Skydiving had helped me change my life from despair to hope. For me, it wasn’t about seeking adventure or adrenaline; it was about letting go and finding myself. I had no intention of making a second jump.

    But I eventually discovered that my first jump was only the beginning of my journey.

    Why did it take me sixteen years to come back? Pride and stubbornness kept me away. I didn’t want to admit that things in my life had become difficult. When I did, I felt that I needed to return to skydiving to help me, once again, let go. (more…)

  • 20 Ways Life is Amazing (Even When it Hurts)

    20 Ways Life is Amazing (Even When it Hurts)

    “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” ~Anne Frank

    I have a confession to make: The last few weeks have been some of the hardest I’ve lived through in my entire life—but not for the reasons you’d think.

    Thankfully, all of my family is safe and sound. Today is actually my grandmother’s 80th birthday, and we’re having a wonderful dinner to celebrate her life.

    My husband and I have just moved into a beautiful new home and are ecstatic to finally have a little nest of our own. I have my health, my family, and my life—so what could possibly be missing?

    The puzzle piece I have lost is what makes me most proud: the results of my intellect and mind.

    In January of this year, I left my corporate job to launch a startup. The business grew, and I achieved many interesting goals. I hired a staff, met amazing new people, served great clients, launched a platform, and even published a mobile app.

    Ten months later, I am now left with only a fraction of what I built. What makes this devastating are not the reasons that things went sour, but the fact that it was all my fault.

    In the aftermath of a very strenuous episode, I can now see that what I feared would happen did actually happen, and the world has not crumbled. My life has not been stripped out from under me, and I still have all that I find precious.

    I have felt anxiety, yes, but it was my own choice to create and suffer it. I have left that behind.

    I choose to let the negativity float away, along with all the thoughts of what could have been, because those are the ones that bring me down.

    In finding the balance between a harsh reality and a smiling heart, I made a list of what I find amazing about life, even when it hurts. Here’s what I came up with: (more…)

  • Asking for Help instead of Bearing Pain Alone

    Asking for Help instead of Bearing Pain Alone

    “Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

    When given the chance, I would much rather bear pain on my own, thank you very much. It’s incredibly difficult for me to be vulnerable and ask for help. To share my pain with someone else.

    I think partly it’s from my upbringing—living in the U.S., self-sufficiency is valued. We so often praise the individual who has done extraordinary things and see it as a sign of strength that they accomplished all of it on their own.

    I can understand that; it’s led to a lot of independence and innovation. However, I’m also noticing a shift in understanding, of how no one is an island, we are all interconnected, and everything we do affects others.

    It’s easy to want to hole up and hunker down when the going gets tough, to “grin and bear it” and keep others in the dark. Being human means I’ve had my share of pain, but I’m also coming to value sharing my pain with others.

    I’ve come to believe we are not meant to bear pain on our own.

    A few years ago while adjusting the volume on my cellphone, I tripped down the stairs. (Note to self, pay more attention when walking down the stairs.)

    My ankle swelled up to the size of a grapefruit, and I had ugly purple and black bruises to boot. I tore some ligaments and had a suspected fracture. Needless to say, I would not be running any marathons in the immediate future.

    It was painful not only on a physical level but also an emotional one. Being basically bed-ridden brought up all the issues I normally didn’t have to face—one of those being humility.

    I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t do laundry because that required going down stairs, I couldn’t grocery shop, I couldn’t do anything but lie in my bed with my ankle propped on what seemed to be a thousand pillows.

    As someone who prides herself on being independent, this was excruciating. The very last thing I ever wanted to do was ask for help, and there I was, needing it in a very big way.

    I’m not an expert on this topic (if such an expert exists!), so the only thing I can do is share with you my own experience. (more…)

  • Are You Running Away from Yourself?

    Are You Running Away from Yourself?

    “No matter where you go, there you are.” ~Confucius

    I am accustomed to not moving. To move was to feel pain—the pain of seeing how worthless I believed myself to be. Sometimes I would sit in the same place for hours, sometimes not leaving the house for days.

    By isolating myself, I avoided finding evidence in the outside world that proved how I saw myself was the absolute truth.

    My worst nightmare was that others would show me (through what they said or didn’t say, or what they did or didn’t do) that they too found me as rotten as I knew myself to be.

    And so, I was often left in the privacy of my own dreaded company. My best friends were the little pills that I could rely on to knock me unconscious. I had neither the tolerance nor strength to face myself, and I often chose the easy way out.

    Sedatives, tranquilizers, hypnotics—I lived for them. They provided me respite from the constant agony of my internal voice, which asked, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I so damaged? Why do I hate myself? What have I done to deserve this?” And concluded, “I don’t want to feel again.”

    Sleeping was my only escape. And I did more and more of it. 

    Sometimes I pushed the boundary too far: Like the time when I swallowed enough hypnotics to probably kill a few buffalos. When I simply woke up a few hours later asking for coffee, I lost interest in testing myself that way again.

    But when I started realizing I was losing chunks of memory, I knew I had reached my limit. I would bump into people on the street who talked about a party I was at and I had no memory of ever being there, nor the few days surrounding the event. (more…)

  • 4 Simple Tips for Confronting Someone Who Hurt You

    4 Simple Tips for Confronting Someone Who Hurt You

    “To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.” -Unknown

    For many years I maintained a relationship that I was not happy with. I’m sure a lot of people have been there, or are there right now. I didn’t feel there was equality in the relationship; I always seemed to be the one giving, yet I consistently felt I was getting nothing out of it.

    A close friend of mine asked me why I tolerated the behavior of the person in question.

    As usual, a few excuses passed through my mind: the other person was going through a rough time; I felt I should be there for them; they probably wouldn’t respond to how I was feeling anyway, so I should strive to be the “better person.”

    I let these excuses wear on for over a decade, until one day I realized I needed to make a change.

    There was no point in silently wishing this person would be better, or hoping they would eventually acknowledge I deserved the same respect and support I gave them.

    After more than ten years without change, I wondered what on earth I was expecting. Did I think this person would suddenly have an epiphany, maybe another ten years later? Gently, slowly, I started to realize that I had to do something I had never done.

    I decided to confront them about it, without aggression or anger. The next time they treated me in a way that I thought was unacceptable, I would say something. I would let them know that they were being unfair or unkind. I wouldn’t try to sugar coat it—I would just be honest about how I felt.

    The moment came and I said what I needed to say. I was willing to accept that they may never agree with me or apologize, but I had to be true to myself. I had to say something, with no expectations—just a commitment to stand up for myself when it was necessary.

    “Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.” ~Spencer Johnson

    To my great surprise, I received an apology. I would have been okay without it—having come to the conclusion that purely standing up for my beliefs was enough for me—but the heartfelt apology made me realize how unnecessarily I had sacrificed myself and my needs. Since then, my relationship with this person has greatly improved. (more…)

  • How to Maintain a Relationship with a Loved One Who’s Hurt You

    How to Maintain a Relationship with a Loved One Who’s Hurt You

    “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boese

    In a previous post about forgiveness, I mentioned that I spent years holding onto anger toward someone who hurt me repeatedly years ago.

    I eventually realized that forgiving this person was the only way to set myself free. The resentment, bitterness, and sometimes pure rage were slowly killing me. They manifested in emotional and physical illness, constricting my life so that I was little more than the sum of my grievances and pains.

    At many points I strongly believed my emotions would consume me, bit by bit, until I was nothing but the memory of my overwhelming, righteous fury.

    It’s taken me years to forgive and do my part to transform this relationship because I decided that it was worth saving, but it hasn’t always been easy.

    There have been times when I’ve gotten caught up in painful memories instead of being present in the relationship as it is today. Other times I’ve thought I’ve recognized behaviors reminiscent of the past, and struggled to set clear boundaries for myself.

    Sometimes the answer is, plainly and simply, that it’s time to walk away, even if it’s a relationship with a family member. But if you choose not to for whatever reason, if you feel that this is worth fighting for, these ideas may help you stay—and stay happy—in this relationship as it is:

    1. Realize that you can’t make people change.

    Years ago a therapist told me that you can’t make people change—if they aren’t open to that, you can only change how you respond and relate to them. Knowing this, you may decide that you’re not able to maintain this relationship. You need to be honest with yourself here: is it really healthy to stay in this situation?

    In my case, I created space to heal and then rebuilt a new, healthier relationship after the dynamics had transformed. Though I knew this relationship could enhance both of our lives, I also knew I needed to be mindful of my expectations, as there are certain things it may never be or provide.

    2. Determine what you need.

    You may feel that you can only forgive if this person fully acknowledges everything that hurt you and then takes responsibility for all of it. You may need to go to therapy, either alone or with this person. Or it may be sufficient for you to recognize remorse in actions and then work, on your own, to release your feelings.

    This will be different for everyone, and that’s okay. You are allowed to need whatever you need—but it’s crucial that you identify it. If you know you can’t move on until you receive a thorough confession and apology, but that just isn’t happening, you will set yourself up for pain and unhappiness.

    3. After your needs are met, do the work to forgive.

    There’s an insightful quote that reads: “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.” That’s what it means to really forgive: accept that what happened happened, choose to find at least some iota of understanding for the other person’s actions, and then decide it’s in your best interest to let it go and move on.

    As with most emotions and choices, forgiving is something we may need to do repeatedly. It’s not a one-time decision. What’s important is that you want to forgive—that you’re willing to have compassion for that person and see them with fresh eyes, even if it isn’t always easy.

    If you don’t feel like you can do that, for whatever reason, you may need to take time and then reassess at a later date. It’s far better to take space and then reconnect when you’re ready to forgive than it is to preserve a relationship that just gets more strained and hostile with each passing day.

    4. Assess your boundaries.

    It’s a lot easier to forgive someone for a mistake or series of mistakes if you set clear boundaries for the relationship going forward.

    You need to ask yourself if something needs to change in order for you to feel safe and happy in the relationship as it is. Do you need to spend less time together? Do you need to be clear that certain topics are not open for discussion? Do you need to assert yourself when the other person starts talking to you in a certain way?

    If you suspect that someone may physically harm you, I strongly suggest you consult a professional who is trained to assist with domestic violence cases. This is a far different situation, as one slip-up could cost your life.

    5. Practice mindfulness.

    This is the most difficult part for me: every so often when I’m interacting with this person, memories from years ago resurface—memories I’ve released many times before. Generally, the present moment looks nothing like the past, but a word or a look can sometimes remind me how angry I felt back then.

    I suspect this may be inevitable in situations like this. Over time the memories become far less frequent, but they always have the potential to pop back up because we are only human. Still, we are far more than the sum of our emotions and reactions.

    We don’t need to let ourselves get swept away in anger, disappointment, or anything else that hurts. This doesn’t mean we won’t feel these things. In fact, it’s a good thing that we do. If we didn’t feel our pains, we likely wouldn’t feel our joys.

    It means we can identify our emotions, sit with them, and then choose to challenge the thoughts that might exacerbate them.

    The alternative is to rehash the past in your head—going through everything you wish didn’t happen, how you feel about the fact that it did, what you wish you did or said then, and how much you hope nothing similar ever happens again. It’s a lot easier to be present when you breathe through your feelings than it is when you obsess about them.

    6. Open up to joy!

    If you’ve chosen to maintain this relationship, you must feel that there’s something in it for (both of) you, or else you wouldn’t do it. Take the time to enjoy each other, living mindfully in the present, within the new boundaries you’ve set.

    If you spend the majority of your time rehashing old stories or making this person repeatedly earn your forgiveness, this relationship won’t have a life in the present—it will just be a shadow of the past. And what’s the point of holding onto that? It would be far kinder to just set this person free than to stay connected by a pain you refuse to release.

    Relationships aren’t easy. People make mistakes, but even the deepest wounds can heal and the most strained relationships can transform. We just need to learn to recognize when it’s healthy to hold on and when it’s wiser to let go.

    Only you know what’s right for you in this moment, and only you can find the courage to honor it.

    Photo by h.koppdelaney

    **So sorry if you left a comment seeking advice and I wasn’t able to respond. I receive a lot of requests for advice on posts from the last ten years, and it’s sometimes tough for me to keep up. If you’re in need of advice or support, you may want to post in the Tiny Buddha forums to get insight from the whole community. You can register for the forums here and start a new post here. I hope you find the help you need!

  • Finding Beauty in Your Scars

    Finding Beauty in Your Scars

    “Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Beauty is a concept I struggle with—what it means, why it matters. I struggle because huge chunks of my life have not been beautiful. They have been ugly, marred by trauma, with pain, and anger.

    We think of beauty and often visualize glossy magazine pages and wafer thin models. We see beauty as superficial—eye color, hair texture, and numbers on a scale. We see beauty as something to be measured and weighed.

    I don’t see beauty that way. I see beauty as the grace point between what hurts and what heals, between the shadow of tragedy and the light of joy. I find beauty in my scars.  

    We all have scars, inside and out. We have freckles from sun exposure, emotional trigger points, broken bones, and broken hearts.

    However our scars manifest, we need not feel ashamed but beautiful.

    It is beautiful to have lived, really lived, and to have the marks to prove it. It’s not a competition—as in “My scar is better than your scar”—but it’s a testament of our inner strength.

    It takes nothing to wear a snazzy outfit well, but to wear our scars like diamonds? Now that is beautiful.

    Fifteen years ago, I would have laughed at this assertion.

    “Are you crazy?” I’d say, while applying lipstick before bed. I was that insecure, lips stained, hair fried by a straightening iron, pores clogged by residue foundation, all in an attempt to be different from how I naturally was, to be beautiful for someone else.

    I covered my face to hide because it hurt to look at myself in the mirror. I was afraid my unbeautiful truth would show somehow through my skin—that people would know I had been abused, that I as a result was starving myself, harming myself in an effort to cope. I was afraid people would see that I was clinging to life by a shredding thread.

    Now? I see scars and I see stories. I see a being who has lived, who has depth, who is a survivor. Living is beautiful. Being a part of this world is beautiful, smile-worthy, despite the tears.

    Beauty isn’t a hidden folder full of Kate Moss images for a kid dying to forget and fit in, a lifted face, a fat injected smile, or six-pack abs. It is the smile we are born with, the smile that sources from the divine inside, the smile that can endure, even if we’ve been through a lot.

    Emotional pain is slow to heal, as I have been slow to heal. My healing started with a word I received as a birthday gift. It was a photograph my friend took of a forest, the word “forgive” painted in pink on a stone. I didn’t understand why that word meant something until I really started to think about it.

    I blamed myself for so long for things that weren’t my fault. Life stopped being beautiful to me, I stopped feeling beautiful inside, and my smile stopped shining beauty out into the world.

    I think in order for us to make life beautiful we need to feel our smiles as we feel our frowns.  (more…)

  • The Right Direction: Releasing the Past and Getting Unstuck

    The Right Direction: Releasing the Past and Getting Unstuck

    Man Walking Alone

    “If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” ~Proverb

    It’s been a year since I stumbled upon Tiny Buddha. At the time I was in a difficult place, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

    I felt as if life was pointless and that there was nothing for me in the world: no room, no hope, no opportunity, no relief from the chronic tiredness and pain, and no love. I’d given up.

    I spent my days staring at the walls and at my computer, trying to find something to make me feel better, to feel anything at all, but nothing showed up.

    That was my ongoing experience, after all: nothing and nobody showed up to save me.

    After seeing a quote on Twitter, I stumbled upon some of the posts about happiness. They showed me that I was allowed to have fun and experience joy.

    They taught me that I didn’t have to relive a childhood that was painful and traumatic. Instead, I could live the life I’d always dreamed of since I was that lost, hurt, and lonely child; I could live it now as an adult.

    The more I read, the more I started to let go of my victim mentality. I suffered a lot of mental and emotional abuse when I was young, much of it secret and still not revealed even to my family. But as I lost myself in other people’s wisdom, I opened myself up to that past and came to terms with it.

    It’s taken a long time to do that, and it’s something I still do. Every day, I let go of something and move on from it.

    It wasn’t long before I saw that I could write for Tiny Buddha. It took me days to hit send on that email because it felt like a major risk. But I felt determined to put myself out there, hoping that someone would recognize the good that I felt certain was in me somewhere.

    This one little step was the beginning of change. (more…)