“The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.” ~C. C. Scott
It starts accidentally.
Addicts don’t plan to become addicted to a substance or behavior. It’s an invisible progression, a newly discovered way to feel peace, trust, and control.
You don’t remember the day you became addicted—the day your addiction became your identity.
You do, however, remember the relief of the first time your addiction helped you cope.
Many bulimics remember in vivid detail the day their eating disorders started. Up until that moment, they suffered with chaotic home environments, low self-esteem, the inability to accept themselves, pressure, and feelings of powerlessness, confusion, and distrust.
And then one day they throw up, without any intention of becoming eating disordered, or losing weight. They just did it.
The instant after the purge is complete, a sense of peace and wholeness overcomes you. You feel powerful and in control. It results in a perverse but intense high and satisfaction.
You decide maybe you’ll do it again. What’s one more time? It was so easy the first time anyway.
And that’s how your addiction begins to infiltrate your mind, body, and spirit.
Low self-esteem, suffering, and the inability to cope effectively are at the heart of all addictions.
People with eating disorders also struggle with their identity—with establishing who they are and how that relates to what they want and the world outside.
The addiction is an effective way to cope with life when you don’t understand your emotions; you have only a limited capacity for self-respect, and you don’t have healthy relationships with people.
I was fourteen years old when I threw up on purpose for the first time. It was so easy. Too easy.
It continued to be easy for a while. I lost thirty pounds in two months. I finally felt like I was popular, and I could eat anything I wanted and not get fat. I felt powerful. Stopping was out of the question.
It was something predictable and comforting. It was dependable. It was my friend. (more…)