Tiny Buddha

Tag: healthy

  • A New Understanding of True Health: 6 Practical Tips

    A New Understanding of True Health: 6 Practical Tips

    “Your body is precious. It is your vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

    For years, I thought I was healthy. I was eating what I thought was a “balanced” diet, working out regularly (mostly cardio and HIIT), and I felt like I was ticking all the boxes for self-care. On the surface, everything seemed fine. I thought I had health all figured out.

    But the truth is, I wasn’t actually healthy. I was caught up in a cycle of restriction and over-exercise, trying to make my body fit a version of health that wasn’t serving me. I was punishing my body, not nourishing it. And it wasn’t until I hit a breaking point that I finally started to question everything I thought I knew about health and well-being.

    The Illusion of “Being Healthy”

    Growing up, like most, I was surrounded by diet culture. Thinness was celebrated, and I was constantly told that my worth was tied to how I looked. I learned to equate “health” with being skinny, and any deviation from that ideal felt like failure.

    This mindset became a driving force in my life. I believed I had to earn my self-worth through extreme exercise and rigid food control. It wasn’t just about being healthy—it was about fitting into a certain mold. My body became a project, something to be molded, shaped, and controlled rather than something to be nurtured and cared for.

    I spent a lot of time believing I was healthy because I was always doing the “right things”—working out and eating “clean.” But I wasn’t really paying attention to how I felt. Cardio and random gym sessions were my go-to, and I never took any days off. The goal was always to burn calories, not to feel strong or energized. I thought that the more I exercised and the fewer calories I ate, the healthier I would become.

    And when it came to food, I was equally obsessed with control. I counted every calorie, avoided anything “bad,” and felt guilty every time I ate something that wasn’t on my list of approved foods. I never went out to eat, as it gave me too much anxiety. I wasn’t eating to nourish my body; I was eating to control it.

    Despite all these so-called “healthy” habits, I was exhausted. I was drained all the time, despite my best efforts to fuel myself with “good” food and work out regularly. My body was telling me something was off, but I wasn’t listening.

    The Wake-Up Call: Realizing I Wasn’t Truly Healthy

    The turning point came once I realized I was still unhappy with my body, even after pushing it to its limits. I had finally found myself in a healthy relationship, yet I was still trying to make myself as small as possible.

    That’s when it hit me: I wasn’t truly taking care of my body. I was pushing it too hard with exercise and restricting the food I ate, trying to mold it into some version of myself I thought was “healthy.”

    It was clear: Health isn’t about being obsessed with calories burned or how little I can eat. It’s about taking care of yourself holistically, nourishing your body, and respecting its signals.

    Strength Training: The Empowerment I Was Looking For

    Once I realized something had to change, I decided to shake up my routine. I swapped my hours of cardio for strength training with a plan. I was always under the impression that weightlifting would make me bulky, but I realized it was exactly what I had been missing. I wasn’t just exercising to burn calories or eating to punish myself—I was exercising and eating to become stronger, to take up space.

    Strength training taught me something profound: It’s not about punishing your body to fit into some ideal. It’s about building your body’s power and resilience, which translates to feeling stronger, more confident, and energized. I was working to feel strong and capable rather than just lean or toned. It wasn’t about what I looked like but how I felt in my own skin.

    As I started lifting weights, I noticed a huge shift. I felt more empowered. I was proud of my progress. Every time I got stronger, I felt more in tune with my body. I realized that true health comes from building resilience, not burning out.

    Nourishing My Body, Not Punishing It

    The next major shift for me was with food. I had spent so long treating food like the enemy—avoiding it, restricting it, and feeling guilty when I ate something “bad.” But I soon realized that nourishing my body was not about deprivation. It was about fueling it with the right nutrients to support my strength and energy.

    I started to focus on eating foods that made me feel good: healthy fats, lean proteins, complex carbs, and plenty of veggies. I stopped counting calories and started listening to my body. I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full, without guilt or shame.

    For the first time, food became a tool for nourishment, not something to control or punish myself with. I stopped labeling foods as “good” or “bad” and instead focused on what fueled my workouts, gave me energy, and helped me feel my best. Nourishing my body became a form of self-love.

    A New Understanding of True Health

    Looking back, I understand that true health isn’t about fitting into a particular mold or following strict rules. It’s not about punishing your body with excessive cardio or restricting what you eat. True health is about building a sustainable, balanced lifestyle that allows your body to thrive—physically, mentally, and emotionally.

    I thought I was healthy when I was obsessing over calories and pushing myself to exhaustion with cardio, but I was missing the bigger picture. Real health comes from nourishing your body, moving in ways that empower you, and caring for yourself with kindness and respect.

    Practical Tips for Shifting Toward True Health

    If you find yourself in a similar cycle of over-exercising, restricting food, and feeling drained, here are some tips to help you shift toward a more balanced approach.

    1. Focus on strength, not just cardio.

    If you’ve been stuck in a cardio-only routine, try adding two thirty-minute sessions of strength training per week. It doesn’t have to be intimidating. Start with bodyweight exercises or dumbbells and gradually increase the challenge as you build strength.

    2. Nourish your body.

    Shift your focus from restriction to nourishment. Eat foods that make you feel energized and strong—whole foods that support your body’s needs, like lean proteins, healthy fats, and lots of vegetables.

    3. Move with purpose.

    Instead of overdoing cardio, choose movements that make you feel good. Strength training, yoga, walking, swimming, or even dancing are great ways to stay active without overstressing your body.

    4. Let go of perfection.

    Health isn’t about being perfect; it’s about balance. Don’t stress about eating the “right” foods all the time or burning as many calories as you can. Focus on what makes you feel good and sustainable in the long run.

    5. Listen to your body.

    Your body is your guide. Pay attention to its signals. Eat when you’re hungry, move with purpose, and rest when you need to. Trust that your body knows what it needs to be healthy.

    6. Allow yourself to rest.

    Rest is just as important as movement. Don’t skip it! Your body needs time to recover and rebuild strength. Allow yourself to rest and recover without guilt.

  • Free Yourself from Sugar Addiction This Holiday Season

    Free Yourself from Sugar Addiction This Holiday Season

    “Part of the ingenuity of any addictive drug is to fool you into believing that life without it won’t be as enjoyable” ~Alan Carr

    “I’m okay, thanks.”

    See that? I just turned down a Tony’s Chocolonely from our family advent calendar.

    I don’t care that it’s a white raspberry popping candy flavor I have never, ever tried before.

    I don’t care that I remember being a kid, opening chocolate coins from my stocking.

    I don’t care!

    Because this year, I’m going into the holiday month already sugar-free. And I am tentatively walking on air about it!!

    I’m forty-five, and it’s taken a lot of bingeing and secret eating, regret, and shame to get here.

    Shame when the kids accused each other of having stolen bits of their Easter eggs. (I kept my head down, unstacking the dishwasher.)

    Shame when I found a whole box of Green & Black’s bars in my husband’s office, because if he buys a treat, I won’t leave him any.

    Shame when I had my head in the fridge, scooping teaspoonfuls of Eton mess into my mouth last birthday, while everyone else was enjoying the barbecue in the garden.

    Shame because being forty-five and still being silly about kids’ treat food feels ridiculous. Trivial.

    But I bet I’m not alone.

    I bet I’m not the only middle-aged woman who has Googled “addictive personality,” “food,” and “overeating.”

    I bet I’m not the only person who has worked from home, kidding herself that she ‘needs’ a few tiles of 85% chocolate “for the energy boost.”

    I expect I’m not the only perimenopausal gal allowing disrupted sleep to turn her into a cookie monster.

    I know I’m not the only one who has quit alcohol only to fixate on sugar.

    So, if you’re struggling with sugar addiction right now, I feel your pain. I was obsessed too.

    But right now, it’s like a switch has flipped in my head, and doing holidays without sugar seems possible. What’s changed? I gifted myself some new beliefs.

    Let me share the little self-talk phrases I started to use in case you’re struggling with sugar too.

    Maybe you’re not ready for sugar-free holidays. I admit it’s kind of radical, and I’m not saying anyone else ‘should’ do it. But maybe you’re thinking of giving it up next year. Or you’re wondering if it’s possible to let go of some of your attachment to it.

    If so, here are twelve brand new phrases to say to yourself.

    1. “Holidays are just days of my life.”

    I was always trying to allow sugar in my life because I wanted to eat it normally. But ‘normal’ never stayed that way for long.

    Every time there was a holiday—Valentine’s, Easter, summer, Halloween, Christmas—I’d start having loads of tiny ‘treats’ that added up to a ton of rubbish and a spiraling habit.

    From my first morning honey-laden cocoa until my last secret (what’s in the kids’ treat drawer? Broken Oreos!) self-reward for cleaning the kitchen after dinner, sugar would overrun my days like an invasion of ants.

    Eventually, I admitted my position was wishy-washy. I was trying to have my cake and not eat it.

    It was a relief to finally be decisive and make a clear code of conduct for myself around sugar, based on what I could realistically expect myself to handle. One way of behaving every day. Including holidays.

    2. “I’m deciding what I think about this now.”

    The government pays subsidies to the sugar industry. It does international trade deals. We get advertised to, and so we get the message:

    “Buy more sugar.”

    But their health messaging is the opposite:

    “Individuals should make better decisions.”

    I realized I was asking a ton from my own free will to resist it, given how ‘everywhere’ it is. I wasn’t being fair to myself when I called myself a willpower weakling. The odds aren’t stacked in favor of resistance.

    It was time to stop trying to please society and listen to my own messages.

    3. “This is just a commercial product.”

    When I looked at the shelves of shiny treats in the supermarket, I saw how clever the marketing is.

    Shiny wrappers. Expensive boxes. It reminded me of how cigarettes boxes suggest luxury—how misleading that now looks!

    Seasonal flavors keep us wanting ‘new’ experiences: “Look, Mum, this Ferrero Rocher is like a giant Christmas tree bauble. Can we get one?”

    I’ve spent my life believing these foods mean treats, fun, celebration, “I love you,” “Let’s relax and share something,” and “life is good.”

    But if you look past the wrappers, it’s just stuff. Chocolate is just brown stuff, like wax. Candy is just colored chewy stuff, like putty. It means nothing.

    4. “‘Fun’ looks like freedom.”

    I imagined chocolate Brazils wrapped in newspaper instead of shiny purple foil.

    I visualized all the shops for miles around stacked with sweets, and I could see that they weren’t rare or special but in endless supply.

    And I stopped telling myself they were ‘fun.’ Sugar addiction is about as much fun as having a constant snotty head cold. It’s with you everywhere you go, ruining your concentration and making you feel ever so slightly physically gross.

    Sure, it’s less life-threatening than other addictions. But it’s misery-making, and that’s serious.

    5. “Having more just makes you want more.”

    I dove into research on whether sugar is actually addictive. Short answer: It is.

    You get withdrawal, receptors in your brain become sensitized… All the markers are there. That’s why my urge to have a second treat is always even stronger than the idea to go get the first one!

    I had tried to normalize sugar many times. I had kept snacks stocked at home to stop them feeling off-limits. But they never lost their charm.

    Now I understood why eating more of it didn’t make me more blasé, as I’d hoped.

    6. “I stop when I decide to stop.”

    I also read up on whether our bodies can actually send signals of ‘satisfied’ around sugar.

    Surprise, surprise: They can’t.

    (Speedy science lesson: Our bodies break down sugar into glucose and fructose. It’s about 50/50. The glucose digestion process has an enzyme, PFK-1, to prevent us from overconsuming it. But the fructose part doesn’t have any signal to stop.)

    I began to wonder whether eating sugar intuitively was even achievable.

    I decided to keep listening to my hunger and fullness around other foods, but not expect them to help me out much around treats.

    7. “I only eat edible food.”

    I love the idea that all foods are morally neutral. So I didn’t think of sugar as ‘bad’ or tell my kids they shouldn’t have any. I just quietly switched my perspective to no longer thinking of sugar as an edible substance.

    Just because it doesn’t kill you doesn’t mean it’s edible.

    I ate toothpaste as a kid: Survived. Not edible.

    I once drank aftershave at a party in my teens to try to get drunk. Wasn’t even sick. But it’s still not on my menu of drinks for humans.

    Sugar is a thing, not a food. That’s how I think of it now.

    8. “I’m not a dog, and I don’t need a treat.”

    My overeating is largely emotional: the harder I work, the more I rely on food to give me a feeling of reward.

    With sugary snacks, I was treating myself like a pet, giving biscuits for good behavior. Sugar-coating my toxic habit of overworking.

    Then, during the holidays, when I couldn’t get my usual dopamine hits from ticking off achievements at work, I was at a loss for how to properly relax and was more vulnerable to receiving reward feelings from sugar.

    I learned to start giving myself inner high fives instead. And I now expect the first few days of any holiday to feel a bit empty too. That’s normal while I adjust.

    9. “Let me see how quickly this passes.”

    This was fun.

    I felt as though once I had an idea like “leftover banana bread!” I couldn’t settle or focus on my work until I’d scratched the itch.

    I’m pretty experienced at surfing urges—I mentioned I gave up drinking a few years ago, right? That was good practice.

    But with sugar obsession, my ‘urge tolerance muscle’ felt very limp indeed.

    To my amazement, as I made my way through my first two or three days without sugar, the urges died down unbelievably quickly.

    I realized my brain sent up thoughts of sugary treats like a puppy that’s used to begging. But puppies are really trainable. They adapt quickly once you stop feeding them under the table.

    10. “I’m the authority on feeding myself.”

    Nobody told me to.

    I didn’t do it to lose weight.

    I didn’t do it because I thought I ‘should.’

    I didn’t do it out of fear for my health or my teeth.

    I didn’t preach about it (or even dare to announce it) to my family.

    I didn’t join an online challenge that made me accountable to a community.

    I did it so that I have less food noise in my brain. That’s enough of a reason.

    11. “Ha ha, brain, nice try!”

    I made a previous attempt to give up sugar last January. February 1st, bang! I fell for my brain’s BS.

    “I wonder what that dark chocolate tastes like. I can’t remember.”

    “You’ve done so well; having just one little bit won’t hurt.”

    “Maybe you can eat it normally now—just have a bit from time to time.”

    Then, before I knew it, I was having a little all the time again. Throwing handfuls of chocolate chips at my face while the kettle boiled. A ‘dessert’ item after every meal.

    This time, I’m ready for the persuasion attempts. I get it, brain. You remember the taste. But, lovingly, no.

    12. “I already walked through a doorway.”

    Last February, it was as if I’d gotten to my mental finish line, so then I thought I could relax.

    Relax, relapse, collapse.

    So this time, I decided not to imagine an end point.

    I imagined walking through a doorway, and that my life with sugar was already behind me, and I was moving forward one day at a time.

    So far, so good.

    It actually felt refreshing to tell myself the truth about it all.

    I don’t know if it’s forever. I haven’t made a vow or gotten a tattoo.

    Don’t label me the ‘no-sugar’ person and then call me a hypocrite if I change strategy later on in my life.

    Because I’m not saying I’ve found the way and that you should do what I do. I truly believe that how we eat shouldn’t be about listening to other people’s magic solutions or expert advice.

    For me, it is a matter of trial-and-error, evaluating, refining my system, and finding habits and lifestyle choices that I can sustain.

    So, this is what I’m doing this holiday. It’s an experiment, and it feels fun to me.

    This year, I’m actually looking forward to connecting with the people more than the food.

  • 8 Compelling Reasons to Adopt a Whole Food Diet

    8 Compelling Reasons to Adopt a Whole Food Diet

    “The food you eat can be either the safest and most powerful form of medicine or the slowest form of poison.” ~Ann Wigmore

    Why aren’t we taught optimal nutrition in school as adolescents?

    I remember briefly learning about the food pyramid, which doesn’t even include water, by the way.

    Do you want to know what I vividly remember? Growing up during the peak of diet culture, when models and actresses who were unrealistically skinny were the only ones who were considered pretty or good enough.

    My dad died from a heart attack at age forty, and my single mother was always on the newest diet pill and didn’t cook much. I was under the impression that the only way to be valued in this world was to eat as little as possible to be as skinny as possible.

    In seventh grade, I started to obsess over cardio and barely ate 1,000 calories, yet no one flagged this as a potential disorder. This continued throughout high school and got so intense that I couldn’t walk because my stress fractures and the shin splints in my legs were so severe.

    Looking back, I’m almost certain that this lack of proper nutrition played a role in my extreme anxiety and depression. But of course, the root cause was never addressed; I was just put on a different medication.

    I remember sitting in one of UW-Madison’s largest lecture halls during my freshman year with obsessive thoughts over how much I hated my body. Focus wasn’t one of my strong suits.

    Yet, I was still operating on less than 1,000 calories a day—eating a serving of vegetables per day and the occasional granola bar. Of course, I was consuming most of my calories in vodka sodas. Poison.

    I tell you all of this to paint the picture of how improper nourishment can spiral out of control for years and can lead to physical and mental ailments. If only our education system valued teaching our children how critical nutrition is for the body and mind.

    It wasn’t until I started making my nutrition and health truly a priority back in 2021 that my life started to flourish.

    So how can we be better for our partner, our future kids, nieces and nephews, and grandchildren? It starts with being intentional about the foods and drinks we are putting into our bodies. It starts with nourishing the one body in this lifetime that we get.

    It starts with educating ourselves so that we can create sustainable nutrition transformations for ourselves and our families. It starts with supporting local farmers and cooking seasonally when given the chance. It starts with including our children in the kitchen to show them the importance of whole foods since their schools won’t.

    I’m not here to tell you what diet you should be abiding by or what foods you should be eating. But I am here to tell you the facts about how focusing on whole foods can nourish your body and mind from the inside out, leading to desirable physical and mental outcomes.

    What are whole foods anyway? Whole foods consist of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and legumes.

    Here are eight benefits of changing to a whole food diet.

    1. Whole foods are rich in fiber and phytonutrients.

    Fiber can decrease your risk of cardiovascular disease, help you manage diabetes, and keep you fuller for longer. Fiber has also been shown to lower cholesterol levels. Phytonutrients contain vitamins and minerals that contain antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties and can help the body fight off free radicals.

    2. Whole foods are energy-dense.

    Energy-dense foods meet the energy needs of our bodies, without causing discomfort. This supports athletes looking to build fat-free mass. Additionally, energy-dense foods contribute to more energy.

    3. Whole foods provide nutrient synergy in the body.

    Nutrients from whole foods are more readily absorbed by the body, as many foods contain nutrients that complement one another. For example, vitamin C works to absorb iron from plant-based foods, such as spinach. The next time you eat spinach, try adding in some lemon for optimal absorption!

    4. Whole foods regulate blood sugar levels.

    Because whole foods do not contain added sugars and have fiber, the body digests the food slower, which enables a more gradual rise in blood sugar levels after a meal. Goodbye, sugar crash!

    5. Whole foods aren’t created in a lab.

    As if you needed another reason to want to consume more whole foods, to state the obvious, processed foods are NOT GOOD FOR US! Foods created in a lab are made with many artificial ingredients and additives including salt, sugar, and unhealthy fats, which can contribute to inflammation in the body and chronic illness.

    6. Whole foods can add years to your life.

    When you eat a diet consisting of predominately whole foods, your chances of chronic illness are lower. Did you know that six in ten adults have one chronic illness, and four in ten adults have two or more chronic illnesses?

    7. Whole foods can fit into any budget.

    Frozen and canned whole foods are a great, low-cost option that has been proven to be as nutritious as fresh fruits and vegetables, as their nutrient content is preserved when frozen.

    8. Whole foods can improve your mental health.

    Nutritional deficiencies have been linked to symptoms of depression, anxiety, dementia, etc. The brain consumes 20% of your daily caloric intake and relies predominately on carbohydrates, which are converted to glucose, which is the brain’s primary source of energy.

    Have you ever heard someone say, “I don’t like vegetables” or “Vegetables taste bad?” This is because of their comparison to processed foods, which cause similar levels of dopamine in the brain as addictive substances such as alcohol.

    But when we start eating a diet rich in whole foods, our dopamine levels become more stable and regulated, so we feel better without needing a processed food ‘fix.’

    Let’s start savoring each bite of the whole foods on our plate, knowing that the nutrient composition is working in our bodies to protect and serve us medicinally. I urge you to see if there are any community-supported agriculture (CSA) shares available near you, to support local farmers, and to eat more nutritious foods. Or look for a farmer’s market near you!

    Even if you still include processed foods in your diet, swapping some for whole food options can be life-changing, physically and mentally.

    Let’s stop poisoning ourselves and start healing ourselves.

  • The Subtle (Yet Huge) Perspective Shift That Changed My Life

    The Subtle (Yet Huge) Perspective Shift That Changed My Life

    “Dear self: Don’t get so worked up over things you can’t change or people you can’t change. It’s not worth the anger buildup or the heartache. Control only what you can. Let go. Love me.” ~Unknown

    When I was furloughed from work back in the early months of 2020, I suddenly found myself with more time on my hands than I knew what to do with. I realized it was the freest time I’d had since I was a child on my summer holidays.

    But that Covid-related break was much longer than six weeks; it was three long months. The world felt as if it were in limbo. What was going to happen? Was everything going to change forever? Would I go back to work at my desk like before?

    I had no idea. Everything ground to a halt.

    After the first few days of distracting myself by binge-watching TV shows and playing video games, I was suddenly left with my thoughts and far more time to think than I was comfortable with.

    The sudden stop in momentum forced me to think about where I was in life. I’d been riding that wave momentum for fifteen years, never really feeling as if I’d ever stopped to face where I was in my life or where I was going.

    I looked around me and noticed I’d been stressed for a long time, and I’d put on twenty-two pounds of weight. I’d stopped exercising, and my diet was making me feel sluggish and tired. My life had become working, sitting, and eating junk.

    It hadn’t always been that way, though. Between the ages of fourteen and twenty-three, I was active in the gym, I watched what I ate, and I looked after myself.

    The years had taken their toll on me. I had become someone I didn’t recognize.

    I was suddenly so anxious about the future, worrying about my health and money and whether I would ever be able to own my own place or reach the heights in my career that would make me proud of myself.

    I felt trapped, as if suddenly seeing my true position in life for the first time, and that made me feel depressed.

    This period in my life taught me that too much thinking isn’t good. It’s not particularly helpful. What does help? Action, movement, and forward momentum.

    But I didn’t want to go back to the old momentum; I wanted a more mindful one, one that I felt more in control of. I learned that if you don’t happen to life, life will happen to you.

    My Lightbulb Moment

    The one subtle (yet huge) perspective shift was this: There are things within my control and things that are not. I can influence the things out of my control somewhat, but my time is much better spent focusing on the things I am in control of.

    I am not in control of everything that happens. There are simply too many variables at play in my life.

    I realized that much of my anxiety was tied to things I couldn’t control at all. And the time spent worrying was stealing from what I could actually change and control.

    So I began to outline the things that I could control, and I think this is a healthy exercise for anyone.

    It went something like this:

    • How much I exercise
    • The type of exercise I do
    • What I eat
    • When I eat
    • What time I go to bed
    • What information I allow myself to consume
    • How much time I spend watching TV
    • The people I spend my time with
    • How I decide to react to something

    The things I could not control were:

    • How long the pandemic would last
    • What other people think of me
    • My genetics
    • If something happens to someone I love
    • The rainy days that make me feel low
    • How others behave and act

    And the list went on and on. The things that were in my circle of control were the small yet important habits I had each day. These were things I could change.

    So I began to think about what I could do myself to improve my life, one tiny step at a time.

    I was fortunate enough to have access to fresh foods, so I looked up some healthy recipes for lunches and dinners. I made those meals over and over again for weeks. I felt lighter, lost a few pounds, and had more energy, along with a new appreciation for nutrition.

    I bought a cheap exercise bike from a seller online. I rode that thing consistently, three times a week for months, and felt my legs become stronger. I also learned to enjoy the sensation of my heart pumping faster as I worked harder.

    I began to write more about my experiences and reached out to others. I found likeminded people who were feeling the same as me, and it reminded me that I wasn’t on my own.

    I stopped watching the news as much to give myself a break from the chaos of the outside world so I could focus on my own world.

    I eventually stopped going on social media and spent that time researching and listening to mind-expanding podcasts that offered me new perspectives.

    All of these lifestyle changes made me feel good. They made me feel much better in my body and mind.

    Making These Habits Stick

    These habits and routines changed my life. But I had all the time in the world to keep them up. After all, I had nothing else to do with my time except spend it with my family or stare at the walls. The real change would be making them a habit over time.

    And sure enough, the world began to head back to the way it was before.

    Before I knew it, I was asked to work from home. My work gave me a laptop and told me I would be working Monday to Friday once again from the comfort of my kitchen table. This, in itself, was anxiety-inducing.

    I felt blessed to still have a job, yet I had gotten so used to my new healthy habits that I also suddenly felt that dedicated time was threatened.

    Would I be able to keep my healthy lifestyle going while working a traditional job?

    And then it dawned on me that the real challenge we all have is making the most of the things we can control while we are preoccupied and sometimes overwhelmed by the daily hustle and bustle of life.

    We all know what is good for us, but there are so many things that we have to deal with and think about that it doesn’t take much to tip us back into bad habits.

    One stressful day can cause us to go home and binge on junk food. One stressful morning can cause us to go and grab a ready meal instead of packing our healthy lunch. One hectic week makes us feel too tired to exercise.

    Fast-forward three years, and I’m back in the office, back to getting up at 6.30 a.m. and sitting in traffic. Back to having less money and back to being tired after work and not so motivated to exercise.

    This was the real challenge—keeping perspective and a firm hand on what I could control among the increased noise of life.

    But it’s okay to have less time. You and I have to work, and many of us have family to take care of. We have responsibilities and things we cannot control, but we should never forget about ourselves amongst it all.

    Take care of yourself. Make a list of what you can control and what you can’t. Figure out the gaps in your day—the free time where you can do things that nudge you closer to where you want to be.

    Start small; go for a ten-minute walk once a week before you head off to work.

    Change one meal a week for something new when you have half an hour to cook something healthy.

    Look at your daily screen time and become mindful of how much time you spend scrolling. Cut that back and do something else.

    Do ten push-ups in the evenings. Notice over time if you feel stronger.

    Write 1,000 words once a week.

    Practice mindfulness when you’re feeling stressed.

    Notice how capable you are of changing your life through small, regular actions. You truly are more capable than you realize as you sit here reading this.

    You likely won’t see much change at first, but that’s okay. Changing things in your life is difficult, and it requires a certain degree of trust in the process until you see results.

    Although life is pretty much back to how it was five years ago, I’ve learned a lot. A difficult situation that made me feel anxious and depressed at first gradually helped me grow. It helped me realize that I am worth taking care of. I don’t need to mindlessly stumble through life if I choose not to.

    While life can be hectic, some things will always be within my control if I deem them important enough.

    I can intervene when I need to. I can make the things I can control positive. And when I let go of the things I can’t control, I have more space to grow.

  • 3 Healthy Love Lessons for Survivors of Trauma and Abuse

    3 Healthy Love Lessons for Survivors of Trauma and Abuse

    “Maybe it’s time for the fighter to be fought for, the holder to be held, and the lover to be loved.” ~Unknown

    Growing up, I had no reference whatsoever for what a healthy relationship looked like. My parents had me as a result of an affair. I was estranged from my father for a decade or so, and I spent my childhood with my mother and my stepfather. And both were far from healthy.

    I remember vividly this one day they got into a verbal fight. Things got so heated that he angrily threw her a glass of wine at her as she approached the door to go to work.

    Fortunately, the glass hit the wall as my mom closed the door, laughing at my stepfather’s failed attempt to hurt her. I, a little girl, stayed behind to clean up the mess and deal with my stepfather’s rage. Since he could not aim it at her now, he had no problems aiming it at me, hitting and abusing me my whole childhood.

    To add to the mix, we lived a very isolated life; I would never hang out at my friends’ homes or have people over until my mom finally decided to leave him. I was seventeen when we nervously packed our bags and secretly ran away, leaving my stepfather behind.

    Because of the abuse and isolation, I was pretty unaware of other family dynamics. You may laugh at me, but since I had nowhere else to look, sometimes Brazilian telenovelas were my main source of information.

    When I think about it, there’s this particular day that comes to mind.

    I see myself, a skinny little black girl with short, relaxed hair, sitting on the floor, watching a telenovela with my mom and two brothers while dreaming of a telenovela-like, loving relationship. I recall the main characters on screen passionately declaring their love for each other. My eyes sparkled in awe, hoping that that would be me one day.

    I don’t know if my mother would notice how hopeful I looked, but she would bring my hopes down to zero by reminding me that that did not happen in real life.

    Good times, ay? Nowadays, I laugh about it while living my telenovela-like relationship, minus the toxicity characteristic of these shows. I’m so happy she was wrong!

    For years, though, I believed I did not deserve love and that no one would ever want to have a long-term relationship with me, and that got me into a cycle of unhealthy, loveless relationships.

    Luckily, as I started healing, I realized this was not true. It was just something the adults in my life taught me when I was a child, with words and actions. Let’s get real; I didn’t have the best examples growing up.

    But as I always say, just because you didn’t have good examples growing up, that doesn’t mean you can’t be the example.

    Still, I had to be honest with myself. Although I was open to a healthy, long-term relationship, I had no idea how that worked, so I knew I had to start from scratch. And let me tell you: I learned some invaluable lessons on this journey, and I cannot wait to share them with you.

    #1. Your relationship with yourself will dictate the type of relationship you attract.

    I didn’t realize I was still treating myself the way my abusers used to treat me until I was almost thirty years old. Before this realization, my self-talk was atrocious: I would call myself stupid, ugly, dumb, weirdo… As I said, atrocious. On top of that, I’d deny myself things, sabotage all chances of real success, put everyone before me, and bully myself all day long.

    I later learned that even though we tend to do these things in the intimacy of our thoughts, they inevitably show up in all areas of our lives. For example, people with bad intentions see we don’t have self-respect, so they step in and disrespect us. Self-centered individuals notice our lack of boundaries, and guess what they do? Yes, they cross the line over and over.

    I’ve learned the hard way that others will treat you the way you treat yourself. So, when you’re looking to have a healthy long-term relationship, the first step is healing the relationship with yourself.

    #2. Boring is good.

    I’ve noticed that most of the time, when survivors like me talk about being bored in a relationship, we’re not actually talking about being bored; we’re just unfamiliar with peace and “normality.” This was something I definitely experienced.

    I remember being confronted with this feeling on a particular day; nothing special happened, but I felt weirdly uneasy while walking down the street. My survivor’s brain immediately started thinking something was wrong; I started screening my mind for problems and things to worry about. And then it hit me: I was just feeling peaceful and calm. There was absolutely nothing to worry about, and that’s healthy and okay. I was simply not used to it. At all.

    When it comes to relationships, if we’re used to unhealthy patterns and make them the norm, it feels strange when things are good. That’s why we may try to look for problems and things to worry about in our relationship when, in reality, everything is okay, because we don’t realize that’s what healthy feels like—peaceful.

    Of course, if you’re really bored and there’s no love, that’s a different story. But I think it’s worth doing a check-in just in case our brain is trying to trick us into sabotaging true, healthy love to make us go back to the “familiar,” which, for many of us, means unhealthy.

    I know how crazy that sounds, but trust me, our brain thinks all familiar things are good, and it takes some time to reprogram it. I feel like this is an excellent opportunity to start doing the reprogramming work. What do you think?

    #3. Healthy love is easy.

    As someone who grew up watching toxic relationships in telenovelas, endured abuse, and also suffered from society’s pressure and influence, I used to firmly believe that love was hard, painful, a struggle, and that it took work. A lot of work.

    I spent half of my life chasing butterflies in my stomach, only to realize the butterflies were actually anxiety because my now-ex-partner didn’t make me feel safe.

    Today, if there’s one thing I’m confident about, it’s that healthy love is easy, and it flows. Yes, you’ll have challenges, but the whole relationship does not feel like a struggle.

    I promise you, you’ll know healthy love when you see it, especially after you start healing the relationship with yourself and begin looking for peace instead of trauma-related emotions.

    Do you know the feeling of carrying the weight of a relationship? It’s not going to be there in a healthy partnership. The same goes for questioning your partner’s love and dedication to you and the relationship.

    But here’s the thing: We can only experience this if we start healing and stop wasting time in unhealthy relationships.

    You see, the chances of finding someone incompatible with you are infinite, and of course, you will encounter some interesting characters. The secret lies in not wasting your time there. Keep moving. True, healthy love is around the corner!

    I hope this inspires you to welcome and nurture true love and healthier relationships and not let your past experiences tell you what you can or cannot have.

    You are worthy of a beautiful, fulfilling, and loving relationship. Let it in.

  • How My Wellness Passion Was Actually Destroying My Health

    How My Wellness Passion Was Actually Destroying My Health

    “Your body holds deep wisdom. Trust in it. Learn from it. Nourish it. Watch your life transform and be healthy.” ~Bella Bleue

    It didn’t fit. I zipped, tugged, and shimmied, but the zipper wouldn’t budge. I was twenty-three, it was my college graduation, and the dress I had bought a month ago would not zip.

    As I stood there crying in the mirror, riddled with exhaustion, anxiety, vulnerability, and sheer overwhelm, I wondered what was happening to my body. In just one month I had gained thirty pounds. I was having one to three panic attacks a day. Everything I ate made me sick, and no matter how much I worked out, I only felt worse.

    I was graduating with a degree in clinical nutrition, yet my health was the worst it had been in my entire life. The world was supposed to be my oyster, yet I couldn’t leave the house.

    I used to tell people all the time that my “passion” was health. I started my first fitness program when I was nine. Tried my first diet at the age of thirteen.

    Since that day on, health and wellness were all-consuming thoughts—to the point that I got a degree in clinical nutrition and became a certified personal trainer and Pilates instructor.

    But maybe the problem was that my passion for health was actually an obsession.

    In an effort to be fit, happy, and well, I became a victim of marketing and manipulation of “wellness and diet culture.”

    Everywhere you turn, there is marketing for wellness and finding your “best health.” Whether it is using fasting to regulate blood sugar, drinking adrenal cocktails to reduce stress, or only eating organic and non-processed foods.

    And even if you end up doing it “right,” the next day you are wrong because there is some new trend or hack that is being pushed. This can leave your head spinning and, in the end, it only disrupts your relationship with yourself, with nutrition, and with fitness.

    It was on that day that I vowed to chase true health. Here are three lessons that I have learned along the way.

    There is no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to nutrition and fitness.

    You are unique. You have a unique medical history, genetic makeup, environment, and lifestyle that all influence how you and your body respond to nutrition and exercise.

    This is known as bio-individuality.

    So there is no one RIGHT way to do things. You might respond well to eating lower carb due to a history of insulin sensitivity.

    You might respond better to heavier weight training due to your muscle fiber makeup.

    You cannot put yourself in a box and try to copy and paste success. You have to honor what your body needs and nourish it accordingly.

    I find that my body does best when I eat carb meals and lift heavier weights. I also feel my best when I eat every three hours.

    I find that my body shows increased signs of stress when I do high-intensity workouts. And it rejected any attempt I made at intermittent fasting or eating lower carbs.

    Finding what works for your body is how you unlock your best self.

    But whatever you choose, you must enjoy doing it. Because if you do not enjoy the process, if it does not make you feel good, if it does not add to your life and promote your best self….

    … it will be impossible to stick to it long term.

    It’s about what you can ADD to your life, not restrict.

    Nutrition is the science of providing nourishment to your body to sustain life. Food is the fuel that your body uses to keep you alive and thriving.

    Movement is medicine that gives you the strength to take on anything that comes your way.

    It is not about restricting, cutting out, or depriving yourself. When you approach it from this mindset, it promotes negativity, it fosters the development of a negative self-image, and it cultivates a culture of guilt.

    And no one—absolutely no one—feels good in this type of environment. Instead, think of what you can add to your life and body to enrich it.

    I love to eat nachos; I enjoy them every week. Instead of restricting them, I add protein to ensure they are a balanced meal.

    You might love to enjoy dessert every evening. A great way to enhance this is to add a delicious fruit with your dessert. Or you can take a walk after your meal to help regulate your blood sugar.

    This approach stems from a place of love, support, and encouragement, which makes it much easier to sustain for life.

    You can be all-in without being all-or-nothing.

    I used to feel so much guilt when my life responsibilities disrupted my workout routine. I would obsess over the missed workout, thinking it would end my progress, and then I would try to find ways to “make it up” later.

    There is so much pressure on remaining consistent, which is critical to success.

    But do not confuse consistency with perfection.

    Perfection is trying to take this structure or “formula for success” and cramming it into your life without any flexibility. Like saying you “have to work out five times a week” or you “can’t eat out.”

    Consistency is learning how to shift your goals and your intention to match what is happening in your life at any given time.

    Life always has seasons of highs and lows. That is the beauty of it.

    There will be times where you have the energy and intention to be consistent and even chase insane growth for your health goals.

    Then there will be times where life is calling you elsewhere, so while you are still prioritizing your health, you need to shift how you show up.

    Learning how to adapt your health goals and intentions across these phases is how you get long-term success.

    Consistency is showing up in the stress. Even if this means doing less than you hoped, you still did it.

    Perfection is showing up for ten days in a row then quitting when you miss a day.

    An all-in mindset is much better than an all-or-nothing mindset.

    If twenty-three-year-old me could see me now, she would be in awe. Her jaw would drop because even though I’m not doing everything “right,” I’m doing everything right for me.

    Your health does not have to be as complicated as it sometimes feels. You don’t need a fancy supplement, the latest trend, or another unrealistic habit.

    It really comes from creating a lifestyle around what makes you feel your best and happy.

    Because you can have the perfect health for yourself without losing yourself in it.

  • The Epiphany That Freed Me from My Body Obsession

    The Epiphany That Freed Me from My Body Obsession

    “Your body is precious. It is your vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

    What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear or see the word fitness? Do you think of an Olympic power lifting athlete, gymnast, or swimmer? The way we interpret and respond to the word fitness is a driver of physical health, but also our mental health.

    From a young age I associated health with fitness, which, to me, meant fitter is better. Society fed me the image of perfection. And so the chase of fitness became a moving target that could never be achieved.

    “I am strong, I am healthy,” I thought. I saw my physique as evidence of my ever-improving health. My fatigue and sore muscles were the price to pay for optimal health, or so I believed.

    Friends, family, folks at the gym, even strangers reaffirmed me by complimenting me on my body. This fueled my desire to continue “improving” my fitness.

    Like a house, foundation cracks take time to become problematic. For a while the cracks may go unnoticed. But then one day, leaks from a heavy rain begin to appear.

    Swapping nutrition for calorie-dense meals. Chugging shakes void of any enjoyment. Eating was becoming a chore and was no longer guided by my hunger, but instead by the precisely calculated macro nutrients needed to ensure I was meeting my calorie requirements to grow my muscles.

    Physically, I looked good, but I didn’t feel good. “What is wrong with me?” I wondered. I began to search for answers.

    Did I have low testosterone? Were there chemical imbalances that could be blamed for my insomnia, low mood, irritability, and anxiety?

    We hear these things all the time: Exercise your way to a better mood! Exercise helps you sleep! A fit body equals a fit mind!

    I ignored the cracks in the foundation for a while. It was easy given all the positive feedback I was receiving. I kept lying to myself: “This is happiness. I am happy!”

    I travel a lot. I enjoy seeing other cultures and meeting people. However, travel previously presented a problem: deviation from my exercise routine, thus derailing my goal of improved fitness.

    Even preparing for a trip became problematic. I’d find gyms at my destination and ensure the schedule or itinerary could accommodate.

    I never considered that I had an underlying issue as it related to my exercise, fitness, and physique because, again, society and everyone around me were telling me I was healthy in spoken and unspoken ways.

    The Cracks Begin to Worsen

    Fitness is not exponential. In fact, it is quite the opposite. “Gains” are more easily acquired when starting out and have diminishing returns as time passes. Despite knowing this concept from a biological perspective, logic didn’t win the day.

    Eventually, my time and energy yielded fewer tangible results. Maintaining what I had built took diligent planning in terms of nutrition and other activities. Simply stated, my physique started to rule my every move.

    Still naïve to the reality of what was going on, I decided my hormones must have been out of whack. While my testosterone was on the low end, it wasn’t terribly out of range. Even still, I decided to leap into the world of TRT (testosterone replacement therapy) in hopes that this would give me the boost I needed. (Note: This was under the supervision of a physician.)

    Again, the external affirmations began to flow. But something else happened, something more serious. I began paying the price for this new boost in the form of side effects.

    Insight: The Side Effect I Needed

    By now my life was entirely run by my desire for more “fitness.” But I began to wonder, “Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life?” I then experienced somewhat of an epiphany.

    The side effects and challenges with TRT served as a desperately needed wakeup call. I began to scrutinize my goals. I asked, “Are these goals serving me as a whole person? How could I have gotten so far off course? How did my passion for fitness and my desire for self-improvement lead me here? What am I doing to my body?”

    I realized with crystal clarity that I had conflated fitness for health and wellness. And more importantly, I started to understand that “fitness” should not be achieved at the expense of emotional and mental wellness. Fitness does not equal health.

    For some this might sound like a no-brainer. I knew that anxiety disorders and obsessive/compulsive disorders exist. What I didn’t know is that the phenomenon I was experiencing is far more prevalent than one can imagine.

    Blurred Lines

    We are fed from a very young age that fitness means strong, fast, and powerful, and that fitness is something you can see. My goodness, this couldn’t be farther from the truth.

    We are told to exercise and that exercise is good. And exercise is good, in moderation. However, unhealthy exercise is increasingly becoming problematic for a significant number of people worldwide. The obsession of supranormal musculature has gone from nonexistent to shockingly prevalent over the past half century.

    The line between healthy exercise and too much is often blurry because, on the surface, fitness looks healthy. We look at someone with a six-pack and think, “Oh, they’re healthy,” when in reality we have absolutely no way to holistically determine someone’s health just by looking at them.

    As I mentioned before, the calorie-stuffing and arguably obsessive-compulsive behaviors around eating take place at alarming levels in the “fitness” world.

    Body dysmorphia comes in many shades and is defined as a mental health condition where a person spends an excessive amount of time worrying about their appearance (Mayo Clinic).

    Accepting that I suffered from body dysmorphia was both freeing and disappointing. Freeing because I was no longer blind to the true source of my difficulties. Disappointing because I felt powerless on so many levels.

    Somewhere along the line the fruits of my exercise had become a source of validation for my worth and existence. Sure, being strong and fit is good, but at some point, that goal was 100 miles behind me.

    My New Perspective

    The side effects served as my awakening, and it was time to get to work. I know first-hand, from my work, that changing one’s perspective, though difficult, is doable. So I made it my mission.

    This process was slow. Relearning is as much biological as it is emotional in that creating new neurocircuitry doesn’t happen overnight.

    I started to conceptualize fitness as more than the summation of strength or speed. What if I include what I can’t see: how I feel, physically and emotionally?

    I reassessed my values and started making sure my goals were in sync with them.

    This new way of thinking demanded that I approach fitness and self-improvement from the inside out, not the outside in. The driving goal became a desire to feel whole, content, and enough.

    Before, I felt physically drained and fatigued. Emotionally, I felt empty, shallow, and lost. My motivation was external. My relationship with my body was one of disrespect.

    It took time, but I am now able to see physical activity in a new light—as a way to keep my body operating optimally. My relationship with food is driven by my desire to fuel my temple, to connect with nature as a sustaining source of life, and to replenish and nourish my life.

    Where I am Today

    I push myself physically, but not in the same way as before. Today, my body is my temple. I exercise several times a week, but I listen closely to my body’s whispers. Soreness and fatigue are signals that it is time for rest.

    I believe fitness is the byproduct of health, not the driving force. To me, fitness is not the reflection in the mirror. Fitness is how I feel physically and emotionally. Fitness is feeling whole.

    The improved relationship I have with myself is proving to be worth it many times over. My relationships with those close to me have improved. I feel at ease in the company of others because I’m not waiting for their affirmation to boost my self-worth.

    I know there will be good days, weeks, and months along with bad. But now that I have had a taste of stillness and peace, I am confident the good will outweigh the bad.

    My body is my best friend. I now treat it as such.

  • Forever Healing: 4 Things I Now Prioritize After Cancer

    Forever Healing: 4 Things I Now Prioritize After Cancer

    “I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.” ~Audre Lorde

    I’m a year out after completing chemo treatment for non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and on my healing journey. Cancer is a nasty little thing and can rear its ugly head at any time again. So, to minimize those recurrent chances and to feel like I’m doing all that’s in my control, I’ve accepted that this healing path will be for the rest of my life.

    I originally thought I’d be spending this first year rebuilding myself. And I have. However, I now see that this is a forever life path. Healing is a daily intentional practice, and I am on its continuous road.

    Being proactive by incorporating healthy practices into one’s life isn’t a guarantee against illness, but it at least makes us feel like we’re taking charge and doing all that’s in our control to ward off disease and optimize our health and well-being.

    I began exercising more than thirty years ago when my ex-husband moved out to begin divorce proceedings. My friend Gloria came by one day and pushed me to go to the local gym. She said it would be good for me. “Okay, I’ll try it out,” I said, “but I don’t think it’s for me.”

    Well, fast forward… exercise became a life practice. Over the years my basement became home to a treadmill, stationary bike, free weights, a trampoline, bars, and a balance ball. The local gym is also my place of exercise, as is the boardwalk and nature trails. Like brushing your teeth and taking a shower, exercise is a daily living activity.

    Healing encompasses a lot of factors. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming. Good enough must become a mindset and motto so we don’t beat ourselves up over occasional off days.

    So what goes into a healing path?

    Exercise is a must and a biggie.

    Since that’s been a permanent structure in my life, I don’t have to work on that one. Like a tree trunk, it’s rooted deep in my ground. When the walking, biking, weightlifting, yoga postures, hoola hooping, or trampolining don’t take place for a few days, my body calls out, “Move me, twist me, stretch me, strengthen me.”

    I have now added a new piece to my exercise: HIIT (high intensity interval training). Twenty minutes of HIIT a few times a week is indicated as an anti-cancer workout. And my dream and goal of ballroom dancing is being realized once again, as I’ve excitedly resumed my lessons that I started shortly before I was diagnosed. Movement comes in many forms.

    Contemplative practices are inner forms of reflection and calming activities.

    Meditation and breathing exercises, journaling, and time in nature are all soothing and quiet activities, bringing us back to ourselves. We listen to and feel what’s inside, what may be bubbling up, what our gut is telling us. We put aside the external distractions to promote the engagement of our calming parasympathetic nervous system.

    For, as we all know and feel, as our anxiety levels have skyrocketed, we live on high alert all the time, fighting off the invisible tigers, as our fight-or-flight response is continuously engaged. We don’t have to be a guru meditator, but giving ourselves a few minutes a day to just be, sitting in quietude and breathing deeply, is a natural antidote to stress and a huge release of cortisol. And as we know, stress is a big contributing factor in illnesses.

    Our lives are lived in a state of perpetual busyness and hecticness as we push ourselves toward productivity and perfection; therefore, we must prioritize activities that counter that busyness and bring us back to our selves. We oftentimes want to drown out our pain with distractions and busyness, but it catches up with us one way or another.

    Eat to live becomes a mindset for a lifestyle of healthy eating.

    We are gifted with a body that requires food to function well. As I am not a nutritionist, I’m not dishing out dietary advice. My new level of healthy eating is nature’s foods and limiting inflammatory, processed foods and sugars.

    Before cancer, I had always been a big ‘nosher.’ Entenmann’s cakes, cookies, potato chips, Dr. Pepper soda, and ice cream were my after-dinner desserts. I cut most of this out years ago when I got ulcers and had reflux and irritable bowel.

    One of my best takeaways from my trip to the Amazon was our hiking guide in the jungle, who said, “The jungle is our supermarket and pharmacy.”

    The people there, as in many poorer countries, have very low rates of cancer and heart disease. Their food is plant-based, along with some fish and meat. And look at the Blue Zones, the places in the world where the people live the longest and healthiest. Those purple potatoes go a long way for them.

    Making intentional food choices becomes a habit, giving ourselves the good stuff to fuel our body. This can be a harder part of the lifestyle to keep up with, as food preparation and shopping become a focal point. And for someone like me who’d rather be anywhere but the kitchen, this is definitely more difficult. It is an ongoing process for me.

    The bigger purpose and mindset keep me on track. My guiding mindset is this: My body took care of me through my chemo treatment, and now it is my duty, in gratitude, to take care of it. I am paying it back for how it kept going and didn’t break down; it didn’t break me. So I look to feed it well.

    I’ve upped my healthy eating to another level. My one square of dark chocolate each day satisfies my chocolate craving, and it has no sugar. I’ve developed a taste for this 100% dark chocolate. Practice and repeat. And whereas I used to choke down one piece of broccoli or asparagus, I now eat many pieces with my meal. Yay to baby steps of becoming more of a vegetable eater!

    Inner psychological work is a new one for me.

    I’ve been to numerous therapists throughout my adult life to deal with different circumstances, but now my therapy has taken on a whole new level and direction. During my treatment, I knew I wanted some type of support but did not want to join any support group or go to regular therapy again. I found, on this site actually, a creative arts therapist with whom I’ve been doing therapy like never before.

    My goal, besides coping through the chemo treatments, was healing myself from the inside out. I had an intuitive sense that I needed to clear out my whole gut and center area of my body where the lymphoma had appeared. Get rid of the cobwebs that had taken root in there and work through past resentments, upset, anger, hurt, and all the rest of those toxicities.

    Art, instincts, and unconscious work were all at play in this therapy, and continues today; uncovering and working through stuff that I never looked at like this.

    —

    This is my new life, beyond the simple wording of self-care. It’s focused and purposeful care of body, mind, heart, and soul.

    It’s work, but after a while it feels really good to be doing this with the big purpose of optimizing our well-being so we can live our best life.

  • Three Things in Life

    Three Things in Life

  • How Toast Changed My Life and Helped Me Stop Bingeing

    How Toast Changed My Life and Helped Me Stop Bingeing

    One day, toast changed my life.

    It was many years ago, when I was working as a personal trainer and nutrition and wellness coach.

    I spent my days helping people “get fit” and “eat healthy,” so of course I was always preaching about lifestyle changes, “healthy” eating, and “whole, clean, nutritious” food, while demonizing “processed” foods, as most others in those worlds do.

    Toast, at the time, was a big no-no. Especially toast made with white bread.

    That’s basically blasphemy in the “healthy eating” world, with two strikes against it. First, bread has carbs, which I learned, from Atkins in the nineties, were trying to kill me and making me gain weight. Second, it’s processed, and I learned from the “clean eating” world that processed food was also trying to kill me and making me gain weight.

    So I wasn’t allowed to eat toast for breakfast. Toast was bad. Especially if I paired it with butter and didn’t at least have protein with it.

    And there I was on this particular morning, standing at the counter buttering two pieces of *gasp, shock, horror* white bread toast for breakfast. With no protein.

    Because despite vowing to “get back on track” that day, a mere hour earlier when I woke up, I had already decided I’d start the next day instead because I didn’t want to eat what was on “the plan.” I wanted to have toast instead.

    You see, like many in the fitness and nutrition world, while I was preaching about clean, healthy, balanced meals to my clients, and trying so hard to stick to those rules myself, I was also a raging bulimic/binge eater.

    In fact, within four days of my first attempt at “clean eating,” I was a full-on bulimic.

    It got so bad that I was once hospitalized for a week and often went to bed feeling like I might die in my sleep because I’d eaten so much.

    I lived in what I call “on track” vs “off track” mode for many years. Many, many years.

    When I was “on track,” I ate meticulously “clean” and healthy.

    When I was “off track” I was bingeing and completely out of control around food.

    I could easily have concluded that I’d fallen “off track” that morning with the toast.

    But at that point, I had started working on understanding how my thoughts were contributing to my suffering, so I was in the very beginning stages of awareness.

    And there I was, standing at the counter, buttering toast and listening to my thoughts as I did so.

    They were horribly abusive, judgmental, and berating.

    “What kind of loser eats bread for breakfast? And white bread, even. It’s so bad. You’re such a screw-up. What’s the matter with you? You’re gonna be so bloated and gross. This isn’t going to build any muscle. You trained hard yesterday; you should be eating protein. God, you’re an idiot. You just promised you were going to be good today, and you’re screwing up again already. All you ever do is screw up.”

    Then the voice started planning a trip to the grocery store for all the things we would buy to binge on the rest of the day—yanno, because “I’m such a stupid screw up already; may as well just eat everything today because I won’t be able to have any of it when I get back on track tomorrow.”

    The voice had our entire day of bingeing planned out, and then it started getting all judgy again.

    “You’re supposed to be having oats, eggs, and six blueberries. That’s a good breakfast. You’re never going to be able to stick to anything. Loser. Why are you broken? You’re going to get fat. What’s everyone going to think of you then?”

    (Yes, I used to actually have meal plans from my own coach with six blueberries in a meal—this is me rolling my eyes into oblivion.)

    Then, like magic, something switched in my brain, and another voice came charging in like a knight on a white horse and said, in a lighter, more compassionate tone, “Uhhm, dude. It’s just toast.”

    The first voice stopped in its tracks and was like… “Wait, what did you just say?”

    White knight voice: “I mean, it’s just f*cking toast. You don’t want oats and eggs this morning. You just want a couple of pieces of toast. Normal people eat toast for breakfast sometimes. Why have you decided you’re a horrible human just because you feel like a couple of pieces of toast for breakfast? That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.”

    It was like someone in my head threw me a life raft of sanity.

    The first voice was a little taken aback for a second and needed to sit with that information before replying, ”Holy sh*t, you’re right!!”

    Instantly, all abusive thoughts were gone. And all thoughts about bingeing during the rest of the day were gone.

    I ate and enjoyed my two pieces of toast and went about my day in peace.

    A few hours later it was lunchtime. I realized I was starting to get hungry, which made me realize that not only had I not thought about food since breakfast, but I had forgotten that before breakfast I had been planning to go to buy binge foods.

    I forgot to binge.

    What?! How did I do that!?!

    It felt like a miracle. Normally, I was consumed with thoughts of food non-stop, and nothing in the world could stop a binge.

    So I wondered, hmm… can I use this new skill of just having what I want for lunch too? *Gasp.* Dare I?

    I asked myself what I wanted and felt like a sandwich.

    *Gasp again.* But that would be bread… twice …in one day. *The horror.*

    The white knight rolled in with the reminder: It’s okay to eat what you feel like eating.

    So I had and enjoyed a sandwich.

    A few hours later, the same thing—I noticed I was getting hungry and, again, I hadn’t thought about food since lunchtime.

    I don’t remember what I had for supper that night, but I just ate something normal, went to bed feeling fine, and contemplated the fact that I hadn’t wanted to binge after all.

    What was almost another day of bingeing on things that made me feel like garbage turned into a normal day of eating in peace and enjoying food.

    Because I took my power back.

    I shut down the voice in my head that had been programmed by our insane diet and healthy eating cultures. I reconnected with myself, trusted myself to decide what I wanted to eat, and allowed myself to eat whatever it was without shame or fear.

    That was the beginning of freedom, peace, and getting my sanity back.

    It was the beginning of healing not only my relationships with food and my body, but also with myself.

    It was the beginning of healing and creating truly healthy eating habits—habits that are rooted in love and trust rather than fear and restrictions.

    Before I’d be scared to buy bread because I didn’t trust myself with it.

    “Don’t keep the bad food in your house,” right?

    Back then, if I did have bread in the house, I’d eat the entire loaf in a day.

    Now, I can’t remember the last time I bought a loaf of bread, not because I’m scared of it, but because I simply don’t care about eating it anymore. The last couple of times I bought bread, I threw it away because it got moldy before I could eat it all.

    Obviously, complete recovery required more work than the one day with the toast, but it was definitely a pivotal moment.

    Because from that moment on, I stopped fearing and trying to control my food intake.

    Instead, I practiced connecting with myself, recognizing what I wanted to eat and, more importantly, understanding why I wanted it.

    If I was about to make a choice that I knew wasn’t in my best interest, I’d ask myself, why? Why was I making the self-destructive choices I was making?

    One of the biggest reasons I was stuck in those patterns with food was because I kept trying to “be good.”

    The fear and restrictions I’d learned were required to “eat healthy” were, in large part, causing the bingeing and feeling out of control around food.

    That’s why after I simply allowed myself to eat and enjoy the toast for breakfast, I didn’t binge and wasn’t consumed with thoughts of food the rest of the day.

    Here’s the thing: I’m not here to argue about what’s the healthiest or the best way for you or anyone else to eat (anymore).

    Because I know very well what a sh*tshow the world of nutrition science is, and I also know that our beautiful bodies are natural healers and communicators. They know what they need to feel their best, and they know how to communicate those needs to us.

    We just get so disconnected from them that we cannot hear (or trust) them anymore.

    And it doesn’t matter how perfectly healthy and “clean” you think you’re eating part of the time if the rest of the time is a complete train wreck—because you’ve been trying so hard to “be good” that you end up falling “off track” and start eating everything you can’t have when you start “being good” again.

    And carrying fear, shame, self-judgment, and criticism over the way you eat is a lot less healthy than just having a cookie or two when you feel like it.

    It’s incredibly harmful and unhealthy, in fact.

    Especially because when you start allowing yourself the cookies while working on uncovering why you want them in the first place, you eventually naturally stop caring about the cookies so much, in the same way I have with bread.

    The healthiest way for you to eat is whatever way best nurtures and supports not only your unique body, but also your mental and emotional health and your relationships with yourself, your body, and food. Nobody knows what that looks like for you better than you and your own body.

    And you can be trusted to decide.

    There is no binary, one-size fits all answer to “healthy” eating, and it’s not rooted in rules and restrictions.

    It’s rooted in love. Trust. And wholehearted being—being fully grounded in the knowledge of our own worthiness exactly as we are, while also being present, connected, curious, and intentional about our choices.

  • Thinner is Not Better – Healthy, Connected, and Happy Is

    Thinner is Not Better – Healthy, Connected, and Happy Is

    “Standards of beauty are arbitrary. Body shame exists only to the extent that our physiques don’t match our own beliefs about how we should look.” ~Martha Beck

    I have so many women around me right now—friends, mothers, clients that are on a diet—constantly talking about their weight and how their bodies look, struggling with body image.

    I am profoundly sad about the frequency and theme of those discussions.

    At the same time, I deeply get it; it is hard to detach from our conditioning.

    I too struggled with body image at one point in my life, and for a very long time. I suffered from anorexia in my late teens and early twenties. I was skinny as a rail and thought I was not thin enough. I hated the way I looked. I was never perfect enough.

    I controlled my food intake as a way to regain control over my life, as a way to maybe one day be perfect enough that I might feel loved. I almost ended up in the hospital, as my weight impacted my health, physically and mentally. I had no period, no healthy bowel movement. I was so unhappy and depressed. I had no energy.

    The messed-up thing is that the skinnier I looked, the more compliments I received from a lot of people, from family to friends: “You are so slim and gorgeous.” To me, this just validated the way I treated my body—and myself—with control, self-criticism, and harshness.

    Then there were the magazines, showing skinny models, getting so much positive attention. I was obsessed. The more my body looked like those magazine pictures, the better; though I could never quite get to a point where I looked at myself in the mirror and liked what I saw. It was an endless circle of judgment, control, and unhappiness. 

    It took me many years to change the way I saw my body and debunk the standards created by “society” for women.

    For many years I bit my tongue each time I would hear other women around me comparing and judging their body size and shape, repeating the same narrative of needing to lose weight. These conversations felt like an unbearable ringing in my ears, a knot in my stomach, the story in my head of “I am not good enough.”

    I was in the process of creating a new set of standards for myself, of what it was to be a woman in this world, but the old stories were hard to escape and easier to follow because they were the gold standard. I did not have any role models of women out there, younger or older, loving their body just the way it was.

    There was a point, though, when it was just too draining. I noticed that it was not the striving to get to a perfect body that brought me love. What brought me love was being vulnerable, authentic, sharing my inner life, supporting others, having deep talks, being kind with myself and others, and doing the things I loved.

    From then on, I started to soften and release all those standards that had been gifted to me. I allowed myself to be okay with how my body looked, to enjoy food, to enjoy movement, to enjoy my body. I learned to truly love my body, and with that came a different type of respect: I learned to rest when my body was tired. I learned to eat really nourishing food. I learned to move every day in a way that was respectful to my body and that I enjoyed.

    Thinner is not better. Healthy, connected, and happy is.

    Practicing yoga helped me so much in embodying this new belief, and studying neuro-linguistic programming as well.

    The truth is we are “society”—all of us, women and men—which means we are the agents of change. So let’s pause, reflect, and choose new standards. Is this constant need to lose weight healthy or serving anyone?

    There are a few different things to separate and highlight here.

    If your weight negatively impacts your health or your life, if you feel heavy in an unhealthy way and can’t do the activities you’d like to do, that is a different story; and yes, please, take care of your body, through what you think will work best for you: exercise, nutrition, mindset, support.

    Your body is your vessel to experience life, so finding your way to a healthy body is a worthwhile investment. And daily movement and good nutrition will have such a positive impact on your vitality and health, physical and mental, so yes, go for it, with love, softness and kindness—no control, judgment, or harshness.

    But if you feel that your body is strong and healthy, but you don’t like the way it looks… I feel you. I was there. I felt the shame, the discomfort, the sadness, the feeling of not being good enough. Allow yourself to feel this pain. It is okay, and human nature, to feel concerned about your appearance. We all want to be part of the tribe, to be loved and admired.

    But then, ask yourself, is it me that does not like the way my body looks, or is it because of society’s beauty standards? Is it because of all the noise from my friends, constantly talking about weight and looks? Do I want to transmit those standards to the next generation? To my sons? To my daughters? Is it really the most important thing for us women, to look thin and good? Is this story serving us all? Is it love?

    No, it is not love, and it serves no one. Not the women suffering in silence because they believe their body is not slim enough. Not the partners of those women who can’t appreciate their true beauty and fullness. Not the daughters that will believe the same messages and suffer as well. Not the sons that will not know how to recognize beauty in its diverse shapes and forms. Not society as a whole, which will be robbed of having a happy, compassionate, loving, self-confident population.

    So let’s choose differently. Let’s celebrate our different body shapes and weights and strength. Let’s feel good and enjoy life, movement, and food without counting and restricting and denying love to our bodies and selves.

    Let’s stop talking about our weight constantly and find other ways to connect.

    Some might say that I am too slim to really speak about this subject, that I have it easy. This is not quite true. My body has changed so much throughout the years. I went from an ultra-skinny teenager and twenty-year-old with anorexia, to a healthy weight in my thirties, to ups and downs with weight throughout my two pregnancies and breastfeeding journeys. I have seen my body change quite a lot and have been judged for how I looked oh so many times. I have been judged for being skinny, or envied for being slim, and I have been judged for gaining weight.

    Today I am forty-three. My body is not as slim as it used to be. I have a bit of fat around my belly, and my breasts are not as round and firm as they once were, but I feel strong and healthy. And I am SO grateful for my body for enabling me to experience life so far, and for creating life and feeding life, that I don’t want to ever criticize or shame my body again.

    I have learned to love every scar, my stretch marks, my extra skin, because they are the witness of my life, my loves, my years.

    So thank you, body, for everything you allow me to experience.

    The alternative to loving my body—the constant internal criticism and self-doubt—is too draining.

    We, as humans, are society, so let’s change this conditioning. Let’s never transmit this idea of what a woman’s body should look like to our daughters, to our sons. Let’s invent a world where it does not matter what you weigh as long as you feel healthy and good within. Let’s change the chattering from what diet we are on to how our heart is feeling.

    Let’s celebrate bodies, in their diverse beauty and forms.

  • How I Got Healthy & Overcame My Food/Body Issues by Ignoring Conventional Advice

    How I Got Healthy & Overcame My Food/Body Issues by Ignoring Conventional Advice

    I was an award-winning personal trainer and nutrition and wellness coach for over eight years.

    I also spent close to three decades struggling with my own weight and food issues—trying to “stick to” diets and/or healthy eating and lifestyle goals. And many years struggling with binge eating, bulimia, and (what I thought at the time was) an uncontrollable sugar addiction.

    During the years I was working in the fitness and nutrition industry, whenever I’d get new clients, I’d find out what their health and fitness goals were, and I’d give them the perfect plan to help them get there.

    And I made sure to remind them, it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle.

    I did that because it’s what I learned to do. It’s what everyone does.

    Because that’s what we’re taught—that eating, living, or being healthy requires us to make choices that others have told us are healthy and not do the things they’ve told us are unhealthy.

    You know… the perfect healthy lifestyle that constantly reminds you to:

    • Eat this, not that… or you’ll get sick, disease-ridden, and die early.
    • Weigh this amount and not more…. or you’ll get sick, disease-ridden, and die early.
    • Move this amount each day, in these ways… or you’ll get sick, disease-ridden, and die early.
    • And… you’re not dieting. You’re just eating healthy. You’re creating a healthy lifestyle.

    The perfect healthy eating and living plans constantly remind you that you must always be fighting, resisting, ignoring, and controlling yourself, your body, your hunger, and your cravings.

    And always doing more, working harder, being disciplined, having motivation, building willpower, etc.

    There’s a predictable formula for this supposedly “healthy” eating and living culture.

    The formula insists that we conform to a socially acceptable, mythical, perfect body size and shape.

    The formula treats our health as though it’s a future goal or accomplishment that we can only achieve later if we’re “good” now.

    The formula must be followed with no excuses. When it’s not, the problem is you and your obedience, willpower, discipline, motivation, and commitment.

    The formula is primarily concerned with optics rather than actual health. As long as we portray the “picture of health” and the behaviors we’re engaging in appear healthy, it doesn’t matter if the pressure, fear, and shame created by trying to stick to them are actually destroying us behind the scenes.

    The formula requires us to trust the rules and advice of others over our own bodies.

    It’s a mass-marketed, templated, “easy” model that allows no room for our own inner knowing, logic, self-trust, or personal power.

    It’s easy to sell because it preys on fear and always sounds so shiny and tempting.

    And this is what we’re taught it takes to eat and live healthy lives.

    Multi-billion-dollar-a-year industries have taught us how to “get healthy.”

    “Lose weight, feel great. Gain confidence. Get fit. Be healthy and happy. Live your best life.” But the unspoken truth is that it’s only “…as long as you follow our rules.”

    But you’re not going to be able to stick to this plan, and when you can’t, you’re going to waste your entire life at war with yourself, promising to “get back on track.”

    “On track,” of course, meaning doing all the things they say you’re supposed to.

    It’s a paradigm that promotes constant fear and oppressive attempts to control ourselves and our bodies in order to follow one-size-fits-all, arbitrary prescriptions.

    Nothing proves this more than how we’ve become so completely conned into believing the lie that healthy eating is hard work that requires willpower, discipline, commitment, and constant vigilance.

    That’s horrible and not a healthy way to live at all!

    We’ve been sold this message because it’s highly profitable for us to believe that we cannot trust ourselves and our own bodies and we must rely on others to tell us what to do.

    And we’ve bought it—hook, line, and sinker.

    But it forces us to go through life literally fighting with ourselves and our bodies, trying to follow their rules.

    It forces us to live disembodied, detached, disconnected from, distrusting, and fully ignoring the wisdom of our own bodies and our own inner knowing.

    Living in all that fear, disconnection, and distrust is so harmful.

    For me, it resulted in bulimia, binge eating, anxiety disorder, panic attacks, chronic clinical depression, self-loathing, crippling shame, and what I was fully convinced was a sugar/food addiction so severe that I often went to bed at night afraid I would die in my sleep because I’d eaten so much.

    I lived in a constant state of being completely consumed by not only the number on my scale but also fear and shame every time I “screwed up” and ate something “bad.” For decades of my life.

    Eventually, my mental, emotional, and physical health deteriorated so badly that I recognized my only choice was to learn how to heal because I couldn’t keep living that way—it was killing me.

    I finally recognized that my suffering was in large part the result of everything I was taught to do to maintain this supposedly healthy eating and lifestyle plan.

    And all I really wanted was peace.

    So I turned my back on it all.

    I stopped exercising every day and started a little light, mindful walking and mobility work instead— whatever helped my body heal.

    I released the need for my body to look a certain way or be a certain size and worked on healing my relationship with it instead of fighting to shrink, change, or control it.

    I stopped trying to make myself “eat healthy” and allowed myself to not only eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, but I even allowed myself to binge. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s truly the first step that helped me stop binge eating.

    I shut out every single message I’d ever gotten in my life about what it takes to eat or live “healthy,” and I started reconnecting with myself so I could figure out what actually helped me best support my overall well-being, right now, in this moment.

    I even eventually quit being a trainer and (traditional) nutrition and wellness coach.

    I tuned out everything I knew about what “healthy” eating and living looks like, and instead I turned inward and started connecting with myself. I started getting to know myself, understanding the patterns that were driving all those unhealthy choices in the first place and learning to change those.

    I started asking, how do I feel right now? How do I want to feel? What do I need (mentally, emotionally, or physically) in order to bridge the gap between the two, if there is one?

    It’s changed everything in the most glorious ways.

    I haven’t binged in many years. That’s a pattern that simply no longer exists in me.

    I’m not scared of and don’t feel addicted to or out of control around sugar (or any food) anymore.

    Food no longer controls me… not even sugar.

    I crave things that help me feel my best, including water, which I never used to drink before.

    I treat (and speak to) myself and my body with love and kindness.

    All of the “unhealthy” choices we make, all the unhealthy things we do to ourselves—even binge eating and supposed “sugar addictions”—it’s all merely the result of our conditioning. The stuff going on inside us.

    My external world, my lifestyle, my unhealthy choices, they were all symptoms of what was going on inside me—all the self-abuse I heaped on myself, ironically, because I couldn’t “stick to” a healthy living plan.

    When I changed that, when I stopped focusing on what I was doing and started changing my inner world, who I was being, my outer world (and the choices I was making for myself and my body) naturally changed.

    Healthy eating and living should never be the goal; they’re the result of how we’re being.

    Because here’s the thing: your body doesn’t care about the “health” goals you hope to meet in the future.

    It only knows what it needs right now, in this moment, and whether you’re making choices that help support that or not.

    If you’re trying to make yourself be consistent with some plan that’s supposed to help you reach some goal at a later date, you are, by definition, disconnected from your body and what it’s trying to tell you it actually needs right now.

    That’s a recipe for not making healthy choices and ignoring your body’s cues and messages.

    Supporting our health requires supporting our overall well-being, and we can only do that when we’re deeply connected to ourselves through what I call wholehearted being: being present, connected, curious, and intentional about our unique moment-to-moment needs and loving ourselves and our bodies enough to want to honor them.

    When you do that, making choices that best support yourself and your body right now becomes the natural result.

    Not some arbitrary goal that you can’t ever stay consistent enough to reach.

    If you’re reading this and can relate to any parts of my struggles with weight, overeating, binge eating, and sugar addiction, I want you to know that you, at your core, instinctively know what you and your body need to feel and live your best.

    You’ve just been conditioned out of that inner knowing after a lifetime of learning from everyone else that the only way to be healthy is to control yourself and your body and follow their advice instead of trusting your own inner knowing.

    With wholehearted being, I’ve gone from binge eating, bulimia, obsessive and compulsive thoughts and patterns around food and exercise, self and body hate and distrust…

    …to kindness, compassion, self and body love and trust, and learning to genuinely want to eat in ways that best support and nurture me.

    A New Path to Healthy Eating and Living

    Healthy eating and living through wholehearted being helps you build a foundation rooted firmly in your own self-love, trust, and worthiness because how we feel about ourselves impacts every aspect of our lives, including how we treat ourselves and our bodies.

    From there, you learn to make choices for yourself and your body through four main pillars of being:

    Present in this moment and in your body so you can break the conditioning that drives unhealthy behaviors

    Connected to your inner world—your thoughts, feelings, and communication from your body about what you need

    Curious about your inner experiences in this moment, with gentle awareness, self-compassion, and non-judgment

    Intentional with your thoughts, behaviors, and responses—intentionally choosing from kindness, gratitude, and love

    This process is incredibly powerful because it does two things that are required for lasting change:

    1.It helps you learn to love, trust, and value yourself enough to care how you treat your body.

    2. It allows you to put space between your triggers and the conditioned, autopilot behaviors that drive unhealthy choices in the first place. This allows you to get to know yourself, your patterns, and your needs and learn new tools and practices that better support your overall well-being. Tools and practices that also help you learn to better understand and nurture, not only your physical needs, but your mental and emotional needs as well. And that’s vital because our thoughts and emotions are major components of our overall well-being. They drive the choices we make.

    It’s a powerful and simple process but not an easy one. It takes courage to relearn to trust yourself with food, to learn new ways of being, and it takes a lot of practice, repetition, and support, but it’s so very worth it.

    After eight years in the fitness, nutrition, and wellness industry (and almost thirty years of dieting), I finally got healthy and broke my sugar addiction by choosing to start focusing on my life instead of my weight or food choices.

    By learning to tune out the external messages trying to tell me what I “should” eat or do and turn inward to start making choices for myself that best nurture my whole being, moment to moment—choices that are grounded in love, self and body trust, connection, and kindness.

    And it’s changed everything.

  • Children’s Movies are Obsessed with Death, but Don’t Show Healthy Grief

    Children’s Movies are Obsessed with Death, but Don’t Show Healthy Grief

    “Grief is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” ~Jamie Anderson

    I knew my son was watching me. We were inhaling fistfuls of popcorn while Frozen 2 played on the screen above. (Spoiler alert…)

    Anna has just realized her sister, Elsa, is dead, frozen solid at the bottom of a river. Anna must carry on life without her.

    My son turned his body and looked directly at me, ignoring the film. He knew what was coming. I began to weep. This is what he expected. He patted my arm with his little hand, which was buttery from popcorn and sticky from sour gummy worms.

    Anna’s body slumps over, and her broken voice begins a haunting song of grief: You’ve gone to a place I cannot find. This grief has a gravity. It pulls me down.

    I’m frozen, too, within memories of the death of my brother Dave by suicide just months earlier. Cartoon Anna and I together mourned our lost siblings. 

    My young son comforted me while I cried. As I think about it, it is such a twisted scene. Can’t we just go to the movies, eat a bunch of crappy food, have a couple of laughs, and call it a night?

    None of us intended for me to have a grief spiral in an animated film with a talking snowman and a plot line featuring a guy who is enmeshed with his reindeer. But the film is all about grief.

    It is about one daughter’s quest to heal intergenerational trauma and right the wrongs of the past. It is about another daughter trying to learn the stories of her lost parents, and in so doing, she enters a space that is unsafe and threatens her life, too.

    I guess it is completely predictable that this story would remind me so much of my own family.

    Six months before Dave killed himself, our dad had died of esophageal cancer. My son certainly saw my tears coming. He’s nine now. He knows that he has a mother who lives in grief. He knows that his mother has a wound where her brother and father once were and that the wound gets reopened from time to time. He’s seen me cry more than I ever imagined he would.

    Have you ever thought about how many children’s films feature the death of a parent or sibling? Here are the ones that come to mind off the top of my head: The Lion King, Frozen, Big Hero 6, The Land Before Time, Finding Nemo, How to Train Your Dragon 2, Bambi, Abominable, Vivo, Batman, the entire Star Wars franchise. This year’s Lightyear. You get the picture.

    Death is so pervasive in children’s films that a team of Canadian researchers looked at the prevalence of death in this genre and concluded that two-thirds of kids’ movies depicted the death of an important character while only half of films for adults did.

    The researchers also found that the main characters in children’s films were two and a half times more likely to die, and three times more likely to be murdered than the main characters in films marketed to adults.

    So, if my kids watched a movie a week, they’d see thirty-four deaths a year—usually the death of a parent or close family member. What is up with that?

    It is an easy plot device. What better way to thrust a character into a scenario in which they heroically redeem a terrible tragedy by going on a journey, taking back the throne, restoring the family name, and so on? The point of the movie becomes the main character rising again in the face of loss. It is the quintessential hero’s journey.

    I don’t have issues with kids being exposed to death. I’ve had lots of open conversations about it with my kids. When children’s films show children thriving after terrible events, there may be some psychological benefit to that, by helping kids know that there is indeed life after death.

    But I am worried about how the pervasiveness of these stories is shaping our expectations about grief.

    It’s an important conversation to have, especially when more than one million Americans have so far died from COVID. The impact on children has been immense. From April 1, 2020 to June 30, 2021, data in Pediatrics estimated more than 140,000 children under age 18 in the U.S. lost a parent, custodial grandparent, or grandparent caregiver.

    Children see death over and over, but there is very little treatment of grief in popular culture. In most instances, a film shows the hero standing with head bowed beside an open grave. The audience may observe a tear or a nod toward a period of sadness, but the character is back in action within sixty seconds, fighting the dragon, building the robot, or saving the world. 

    The other alternative is that prolonged grief drives one to become a villain. If loss is not quickly translated into action, it seems to fester into vengeance and evil. I’m thinking of the Kingpin from Spiderman, Dr. Callaghan from Big Hero 6, Anakin Skywalker (a.k.a. Darth Vader) from Star Wars, Magneto from X-Men, among others.

    These films are telling a story about grief that is a disservice to us all. Our society counts on a bereaved person bouncing back to action almost immediately. And if they don’t, in a prompt, timely manner, the suspicion is that the grief has ruined them.

    These films help craft a society that has no model for the emotion of loss. For the slowness of it. For the darkness of it. Especially in the lives of children.

    During the season of my loved ones’ deaths, my children were twelve, eight, and eight. They were tender and sweet. And young. But also, old enough.

    There was a lot of talk about cancer at our house. The kids knew the science. They shared a house with my dad while he went through his first round of chemo. They knew it was miserable.

    Early on I let them know that this cancer would probably cause Grandpa to die. I explained the size and location of the various tumors. I let them know that our time with him would probably be two or three years.

    I believe in being honest with children in a way they can understand. I didn’t want them to be afraid that Grandpa would die. I wanted to let them in on the secret that Grandpa was going to die. No need to keep anyone in suspense.

    I was with my dad when he died in California. My children were at home in Minnesota. A few minutes after he died, I called them on the phone. My husband, Rob, sat with them, and I told them one by one. I talked to them while Rob held them.

    When my brother died, Rob and I both sat with the children. We told the youngest and the oldest together. They were once again tender and fearful. Surprised. Wide eyed. We held them.

    They didn’t say much. Uncharacteristically, they didn’t ask any questions. They knew that Uncle Dave was mysteriously sick.

    My brother’s death was much more difficult to talk about with my children. They knew that he struggled with alcohol. They knew the word addiction. They knew that he had been in and out of the hospital. The problem with suicide is that there’s no good way to make the logic work for children.

    I can just imagine the torrent of questions: How much sadness is too much sadness? How much pain is too much pain? When the cat dies? When my best friend is mad at me? What makes your heart hurt so much that dying is the logical step? When does one reach that point?

    Psychologically speaking, talking with my children about Dave’s death was so hard because it threatened to dismantle their basic assumptions about the goodness, safety, and predictability of the world.

    In my conversation with my children, I didn’t want their sense of goodness, justice, and safety to be shattered. The world is no longer a predictable, good place when someone kind and loving experiences such darkness and ultimately a horrible, self-inflicted death.

    The world is no longer meaningful when there is no simple, rational explanation for how such a thing happened. The self may no longer be worthy of happiness and joy if someone like Uncle Dave could not find happiness and joy.

    Everything in me is organized against my children understanding this logic. I didn’t want it to enter their minds or their hearts.

    But it has. It will. They will come to know the full story of their soft-spoken uncle with the beautiful blue eyes. They will remember him on our couch and in the park and in the kitchen and at the lake. They will know the truth about him and how he was lost.

    And there is no way around the reality of suicide, the reality that the truth is beyond the careful, thoughtful, simple explanations of their mother. I can’t make it neat or easily digestible for them. It is too messy.

    My children have been up close and personal with grief these past years. They’ve held human ashes in their hands. They anticipate that I will cry during a movie scene in which a character loses a sibling. They know all about cancer. They’ve attended memorials

    It isn’t what I would have chosen for them—to be in a movie theater, comforting Mommy because the cartoon reminds her of her dead brother. That isn’t what I ever pictured when

    I first held their tiny baby bodies in my arms and my heart swore to protect them with every cell in my body. Sometimes I apologize to them in whispers: “I’m sorry that our lives have unfolded like this.”

    There is a way to use the deaths of children’s movies to facilitate conversations about grief and loss.

    A 2021 study in Cognitive Development found that animated films may provide the opportunity for parent-child conversations about death, because parents often watch these films with their children. However, according to researchers, few parents take advantage of this opportunity to talk about death with their children. I encourage parents to take advantage of these teachable moments.

    For my children, who have seen grief up close, my only hope is that they are learning about the reality of grief. They are seeing a more realistic picture than Disney will show them. They’re seeing me go to work, make pancakes, drive the carpool, laugh with my friends. They are seeing me live. And they’re seeing me cry.

    They are also seeing that the duration of grief is not five minutes of screen time but that it is years.

    When they came into my world, I didn’t anticipate that grief would be such a prominent lesson in their childhood. But after watching Dave implode, alongside the loss of our dad, perhaps grief, real grief, is a more essential lesson that I anticipated.

    Perhaps watching me slog through it will help my children navigate out of their own darkness one day. Disney is introducing them to death. It’s my job to show them the reality of grief.

  • Obsessed with Healthy Eating? 9 Things I’ve Learned Since Recovering from Orthorexia

    Obsessed with Healthy Eating? 9 Things I’ve Learned Since Recovering from Orthorexia

    “Sending love to everyone who’s doing their best to heal from things they don’t discuss.” ~Unknown

    I used to obsess over healthy eating, and I mean OB-SESSSSS. I spent virtually every waking moment thinking about food. What should I eat today? Is there too much sugar in that? What will I eat when we go out next week? Should I claim that I’m allergic to gluten?

    Although I didn’t know it at the time, I was suffering from orthorexia (that is, an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating). Yes, I fully agree that eating nutritious food is good for you—there’s few who would deny that—but when you are thinking about food non-stop, something has definitely gone awry.

    It all started innocently enough. My daughter (who’s my youngest) was about a year old, and I was ready to “get back in shape” and reclaim my pre-pregnancy weight. However, since I was against the idea of fad diets, I was looking for something else.

    That “something else” turned out to be wellness culture, and I absorbed it all. I followed several influencers who said we must eat in a certain way for ideal health, which often meant organic, gluten-free, dairy-free, and absolutely no sugar. The influencers also used a lot of pseudoscience to support their ideas, and I totally fell for it.

    With the idea of eating in a certain way for optimum health swirling round my brain, I decided to follow a thirty-day kick-starter healthy eating plan. It was all about focusing on health (and not weight loss). Easy enough, hey?

    There was no counting calories, macros, or weighing food. No points. It was just about eating nutritious, wholesome food and having a protein shake for breakfast. What could be the harm in that?

    Well, it was probably the long list of “not allowed” foods that you cut for thirty days (such as sugar, dairy, gluten, and soy)—essentially an elimination diet. The idea being that after thirty days you reintroduce the foods to help you identify your food intolerances. See? It’s all for health! Or so I thought…

    And, as my “clean eating” regime was underway, I started to get a lot of positive feedback.

    You’re so disciplined! How do you eat so healthy? Wow, you look really well.

    It was alluring.

    This was my slippery slope and the beginning of an unhealthy obsession with food.

    Three years in, my life looked something like this: I claimed a gluten and dairy intolerance and was experimenting with being vegan, all for the sake of my health. Unfortunately, there’s not much food left to eat on this kind of restrictive diet.

    Every few months I would follow an elimination diet (again) and would cut out all sugar, alcohol, caffeine, and soy (alongside the dairy and gluten that I was no longer eating). I started avoiding social events because the list of “safe foods” was getting so complicated; it often seemed easier to stay home.

    All of this in the name of “health.” Except that it wasn’t healthy.

    I was missing social events and avoided spending time with friends, my mental health was suffering, and I was developing an extremely disordered relationship with food.

    While orthorexia isn’t classified as an eating disorder according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, some healthcare professionals believe that it should be. And, personally speaking, my relationship with food was starting to remind me of the time when I’d suffered from an eating disorder back in my twenties.

    I had a series of aha moments that finally woke me up to the fact that my behavior was not at all healthy and my extreme approach to food was doing me more harm than good.

    It was when I started feeling embarrassed going to someone’s house for dinner and sending a long list of foods I couldn’t eat.

    It was when I started to notice bingeing behavior: I’d binge on five sweet potato brownies because they were supposedly “healthy.” I’m sure that if I’d just had access to a chocolate brownie, I might have only eaten one

    It was when I was doing my elimination diet so frequently, I had to make lots of excuses about why I couldn’t join evenings out.

    Eventually I realized that my old eating disorder had morphed into orthorexia.

    Thankfully, I had the resources to make a quick recovery, and my relationship with food has done a full 180 turn… In hindsight I can see clearly how very disordered my thinking, feelings, and behavior were.

    With that in mind, here are nine lessons I learnt from my brush with orthorexia. My hope is that if you question some of your own food behaviors, you seek help before too much damage is done.

    #1 There is no need to restrict food groups from your diet.

    Unless you have a medical reason to do so (like coeliac disease), restricting food groups from your diet is unnecessary. Nope, you don’t need to be carb free; in fact, research shows that in the long term, a low-carb diet is actually bad for you.

    #2 A flexible approach to eating is best.

    You just don’t need overly rigid food rules. My food rules were too rigid, and I tried to eat perfectly all the time. Perfectly to me was organic, gluten-free, dairy-free, and absolutely no processed sugar. Alongside that, I stopped eating fruit because it has sugar in it. So, for a while, the only fruits I would eat were berries. Bananas, red apples, grapes, and tropical fruits were totally out of the question.

    The problem with rigid rules is that all the fun things in life become stressful, like holidays, eating out, and going to a friend’s house, so flexibility is key.

    #3 If you get overly upset when food rules are broken, something’s wrong.

    I felt compelled to stick to my food rules, and I would feel emotional, distraught, and upset if I broke them. Like I had failed. I remember once crying in a French supermarket on holiday because I couldn’t buy the organic and gluten-free versions of food I wanted. It’s kind of missing the point of a holiday, isn’t it?

    #4 Food is NOT just fuel.

    Have you heard the quote “food is fuel”? It’s bandied around everywhere in the wellness and fitness spheres. But food isn’t just fuel. It’s about so much more, and this kind of thinking limits our potential to enjoy food to its fullest potential.

    Food can be comforting; it can be a time to connect with friends and family. It’s nourishing for our bodies, and also nourishing for our souls; it can be nostalgic or related to our culture. A cup of tea and a biscuit can remind you of your granny, while a single meal can take you back to your childhood.

    #5 All foods can fit in a balanced diet.

    Yes, even sweets, chocolate, and pastries. It’s totally unsustainable to cut out “bad” foods for the rest of your life. I’ve also found that you’re more likely to crave these “bad” foods if you tell yourself you can never eat them again. When all foods fit, the ice cream comes off the pedestal and you can keep it in the house without bingeing. It’s a total revelation.

    #6 It’s worse for your health to stress about sugar in food than to actually eat a damn cookie.

    I used to stress about the sugar in food constantly. I would read every food label when shopping; I would calculate grams of sugar in things like raisins; I would only eat a green apple and not a red apple (too much sugar, apparently). Yup, I was one of those mums who cooked gluten-free, dairy-free, and sugar-free cakes for the kids’ birthdays. Yuk! Poor kids.

    I’ve learned the stress of worrying about food is way worse than just eating the food itself. So relax, and enjoy that cookie.

    #7 “Health” is more than just the food we eat.

    Health is not just about what we eat; it’s way more than that. It’s about your genetics and your access to nutritious food and decent healthcare, which means it’s associated with your income level.

    Also, what you consider “healthy” is different to what I consider “healthy.” Maybe my “health” is about being able to run around after my kids without feeling breathless, or improving my flexibility to keep my body feeling supple.

    Your health might be about improving stamina and strength to run a marathon, or about sleeping seven to eight hours a night.

    #8 Social events shouldn’t be awkward.

    Quite the opposite. Social events should be fun, or relaxing and enjoyable. Not fraught and stressful. I had many an awkward conversation with hosts about things that I couldn’t eat.

    I would avoid events when doing my cleanse, or re-arrange things around these months. And if I did venture out, I would endlessly worry about what I’d eat, sometimes calling the restaurant ahead to see what they had on the menu to fit my rigid rules. Or I would claim allergies so I could work out what was gluten-free and dairy-free. #awkward

    And finally, if you are a parent…

    #9 Your kids are watching you.

    You might not say anything to your kids, but they are watching you. They notice what you do, reading those labels, and how you talk about food. They see when you skip the fun meals or cook something separate for yourself. They see when you are down on yourself and your body.

    They are watching. Everything.

    If I’m truly honest, this was the biggest driver for me to heal my relationship with food. The last thing I wanted to do was pass my disordered eating down to my kids.

    Finding food freedom was the best thing that happened to me. I no longer fall to pieces in a restaurant or on holiday. Eating is no longer a stressful experience. I love food for all the things the eating experience gives us—connection, chats, family, and friends. I hope you can too.

  • 45 Simple Self-Care Practices for a Healthy Mind, Body, and Soul

    45 Simple Self-Care Practices for a Healthy Mind, Body, and Soul

    “There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by myself.” ~Brian Andreas

    Do you ever forget to take care of yourself?

    I know. You’re busy, and finding the time to take proper care of yourself can be hard. But if you don’t, it won’t be long before you’re battered from exhaustion and operating in a mental fog where it’s hard to care about anything or anyone.

    I should know.

    A few years ago, I had a corporate job in London, working a regular sixty-hour week. I enjoyed working with my clients and colleagues, and I wanted to do well.

    But I had no life.

    I rarely took care of myself, and I was always focused on goals, achievements, and meeting the excessive expectations I had of myself. My high tolerance for discomfort meant I juggled all the balls I had in the air—but at the expense of being a well-rounded human being.

    So I made an unusual choice. I quit my job and moved to Thailand to work in a freelance capacity across many different countries and companies, which enabled me to set my own hours and engagements.

    I began to take care of myself better, scheduling in time alone, for exercise and for fun.

    I got to know myself better and know what I needed—not just to function, but to flourish.

    But guess what?

    At the end of last year, I spent Christmas alone in bed, completely exhausted.

    Why did this happen?

    Well, I had been running my busy website and consulting in seven countries in just two months. I forgot to take care of myself again, and I got a nasty case of strep throat.

    Self-Care Isn’t a One-Time Deal

    The strep throat was a harsh reminder that self-care isn’t something you do once and tick off the list.

    It’s the constant repetition of many tiny habits, which together soothe you and make sure you’re at your optimum—emotionally, physically, and mentally.

    The best way to do this is to implement tiny self-care habits every day. To regularly include in your life a little bit of love and attention for your own body, mind, and soul.

    The following ideas are tiny self-care activities you can fit into a short amount of time, usually with little cost.

    Pick one from each category, and include them in your life this week.

    Tiny Self-Care Ideas for the Mind

    1. Start a compliments file. Document the great things people say about you to read later.

    2. Scratch off a lurker on your to-do list, something that’s been there for ages and you’ll never do.

    3. Change up the way you make decisions. Decide something with your heart if you usually use your head. Or if you tend to go with your heart, decide with your head.

    4. Go cloud-watching. Lie on your back, relax, and watch the sky.

    5. Take another route to work. Mixing up your routine in small ways creates new neural pathways in the brain to keep it healthy.

    6. Pay complete attention to something you usually do on autopilot, perhaps brushing your teeth, driving, eating, or performing your morning routine.

    7. Goof around for a bit. Schedule in five minutes of “play” (non-directed activity) several times throughout your day.

    8. Create a deliberate habit, and routinize something small in your life by doing it in the same way each day—what you wear on Tuesdays, or picking up the dental floss before you brush.

    9. Fix a small annoyance at home that’s been nagging you—a button lost, a drawer that’s stuck, a light bulb that’s gone.

    10. Punctuate your day with a mini-meditation with one minute of awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and sensations; one minute of focused attention on breathing; and one minute of awareness of the body as a whole.

    11. Be selfish. Do one thing today just because it makes you happy.

    12. Do a mini-declutter. Recycle three things from your wardrobe that you don’t love or regularly wear.

    13. Unplug for an hour. Switch everything to airplane mode and free yourself from the constant bings of social media and email.

    14. Get out of your comfort zone, even if it’s just talking to a stranger at the bus stop.

    15. Edit your social media feeds, and take out any negative people. You can just “mute” them; you don’t have to delete them. 

    Tiny Self-Care Ideas for the Body

    1. Give your body ten minutes of mindful attention. Use the body scan technique to check in with each part of your body.

    2. Oxygenate by taking three deep breaths. Breathe into your abdomen, and let the air puff out your stomach and chest.

    3. Get down and boogie. Put on your favorite upbeat record and shake your booty.

    4. Stretch out the kinks. If you’re at work, you can always head to the bathroom to avoid strange looks.

    5. Run (or walk, depending on your current physical health) for a few minutes. Or go up and down the stairs three times.

    6. Narrow your food choices. Pick two healthy breakfasts, lunches, and dinners and rotate for the week.

    7. Activate your self-soothing system. Stroke your own arm, or if that feels too weird, moisturize.

    8. Get to know yourself intimately. Look lovingly and without judgment at yourself naked. (Use a mirror to make sure you get to know all of you!)

    9. Make one small change to your diet for the week. Drink an extra glass of water each day, or have an extra portion of veggies each meal.

    10. Give your body a treat. Pick something from your wardrobe that feels great next to your skin.

    11. Be still. Sit somewhere green, and be quiet for a few minutes.

    12. Get fifteen minutes of sun, especially if you’re in a cold climate. (Use sunscreen if appropriate.)

    13. Inhale an upbeat smell. Try peppermint to suppress food cravings and boost mood and motivation.

    14. Have a good laugh. Read a couple of comic strips that you enjoy. (For inspiration, try Calvin and Hobbes, Dilbert, or xkcd.)

    15. Take a quick nap. Ten to twenty minutes can reduce your sleep debt and leave you ready for action.

    Tiny Self-Care Ideas for the Soul

    1. Imagine you’re your best friend. If you were, what would you tell yourself right now? Look in the mirror and say it.

    2. Use your commute for a “Beauty Scavenger Hunt.” Find five unexpected beautiful things on your way to work.

    3. Help someone. Carry a bag, open a door, or pick up an extra carton of milk for a neighbor.

    4. Check in with your emotions. Sit quietly and just name without judgment what you’re feeling.

    5. Write out your thoughts. Go for fifteen minutes on anything bothering you. Then let it go as you burn or bin the paper.

    6. Choose who you spend your time with today. Hang out with “Radiators” who emit enthusiasm and positivity, and not “Drains” whose pessimism and negativity robs energy.

    7. Stroke a pet. If you don’t have one, go to the park and find one. (Ask first!)

    8. Get positive feedback. Ask three good friends to tell you what they love about you.

    9. Make a small connection. Have a few sentences of conversation with someone in customer service such as a sales assistant or barista.

    10. Splurge a little. Buy a small luxury as a way of valuing yourself.

    11. Have a self-date. Spend an hour alone doing something that nourishes you (reading, your hobby, visiting a museum or gallery, etc.)

    12. Exercise a signature strength. Think about what you’re good at, and find an opportunity for it today.

    13. Take a home spa. Have a long bath or shower, sit around in your bathrobe, and read magazines.

    14. Ask for help—big or small, but reach out.

    15. Plan a two-day holiday for next weekend. Turn off your phone, tell people you’ll be away, and then do something new in your own town.

    Little and Often Wins the Day

    With a little bit of attention to your own self-care, the fog will lift.

    You’ll feel more connected to yourself and the world around you.

    You’ll delight in small pleasures, and nothing will seem quite as difficult as it did before.

    Like that car, you must keep yourself tuned up to make sure that you don’t need a complete overhaul.

    Incorporating a few of these tiny self-care ideas in your day will help keep you in tune.

    Which one will you try first?

  • My Insatiable Quest for Love and How I Found It When I Stopped Looking

    My Insatiable Quest for Love and How I Found It When I Stopped Looking

    “I can’t say when you’ll get love or how you’ll find it or even promise that you will. I can only say you are worthy of it and that it’s never too much to ask for it and that it’s not crazy to fear you’ll never have it again, even though your fears are probably wrong. Love is our essential nutrient. Without it, life has little meaning. It’s the best thing we have to give and the most valuable thing we receive. It’s worthy of all the hullabaloo.” ~Cheryl Strayed

    Like many young girls, I spent my childhood daydreaming about love and finding that perfect person who would “complete me.” Through being exposed to media, it was even further indoctrinated into me at a young age that I needed to find this romantic love to be whole.

    This intense desire for a partnership was juxtaposed to me witnessing my parent’s toxic relationship.

    I watched my mother feel absolutely miserable with my father. And I watched my father manipulate her over and over again. Then, she would tell me all the horrid details that were not meant for young ears. This left me incredibly confused and honestly deeply afraid of love and intimacy, yet it created an insatiable need to somehow find it.

    I knew that I didn’t want anything close to my parents’ marriages; however, the love in movies and literature that was often portrayed as wildly romantic didn’t seem any healthier. It was dramatic. Co-dependent. Heartbreakingly painful—till someway at the end it all turned out okay and everyone magically lived happily ever and after.

    Even when I looked at other examples of romantic love within my family and friends’ parents, there always seemed to be something missing. From a young age, I wondered if healthy, romantic love was actually real or just something people daydreamed about.

    Fast forward a few years, I was in my first relationship. He was gorgeous, intelligent, and he spoiled me with gifts and compliments. However, I was unbelievably co-dependent and wanted someone to love me so desperately that the relationship was just as toxic as the ones I had seen in romantic films growing up.

    Sure, it was passionate, and the romance was intoxicating, but it was also deeply manipulative at times, because he knew I would never leave. He held all the power over me. I was so desperate to find someone to love me that I would put up with anything. He could treat me like a trash, and I would still stick around. We both knew it.

    After we broke up, I continued to have lackluster at best, but usually incredibly painful romantic relationships. By the time I entered my mid-twenties I was so jaded and romantically bruised that I fundamentally believed healthy love didn’t exist.

    Then COVID-19 happened, and my entire life changed. I ended up unexpectedly moving back to my hometown, my career totally shifted, and I was living a life I would have never imagined six months ago.

    The shutdown gave me a lot of time to reflect on what I believed and what I would put up with in a relationship. I came to the point through journaling, reflection, and lots of therapy where I realized that I was willing to be single for the rest of my life, if that is what needed to happen, instead of settling for love that didn’t add deep purpose and positivity to my life.

    I didn’t even know if this kind of purposeful and positive love existed, but I knew that I wasn’t going to put up with the alternative anymore.

    At some point during this time—as life would have it—I met someone. We chose to walk into love together. From the moment our relationship blossomed, it was different. It was steady. Unwaveringly stable. And the healthiest relationship in any capacity that I have ever had.

    I found that when I was treated with deep respect, consistent communication, and grace, my old tendencies to be co-dependent and distrustful started to fade away. The foundation of our relationship was built from so much honesty, kindness, and true desire for the other individual to be happy and healthy that I was able to relax and be myself.

    Looking back, I always thought that I was the sole problem in my past relationships. I was too emotional. I was too needy. My personality was too big. I was simply too much.

    In some ways, I did display unhealthy behaviors and actions in my past romantic relationships. I own that. And I have worked diligently with a therapist to learn how to develop new, healthy patterns and have grace when my old behaviors come back and learn how to let them go.

    What I realize now is while I did (and still do) have personal work to do to show up as an incredible partner, I am worthy of love.

    Not the love that I saw my parents share. Or the love the media portrays as romantic. I don’t want that kind of love. I want love that is full of support. Love that is healthy. Love that is steady. Love where we are allowed to have healthy conflict and come to a resolution together. Love where I am allowed to make mistakes. Love that allows me to be fiery and emotional and for that to be beautiful.

    What I have learned this past year from dating this human is that that kind of love does exist.

    I want to make clear that this kind of love doesn’t and shouldn’t only have to exist in a romantic way. Maybe you’ll find that kind of love from a friend, a mentor, a parent, or an animal, or hopefully all of the above. But regardless of the category of relationship, we, as humans, are all meant to be deeply loved regardless of how deeply flawed we may or appear to be.

    Our job is to not settle for love that is lackluster, or abusive, or emotionally damaging. Equally important, we cannot settle for that kind of love from ourselves.

    I was lucky enough to find this soul-warming love in a romantic partner; however, there is a part of me that believes if I hadn’t showered that kind of love to myself and the people around me first, I may have not stumbled across this person.

    Maybe they would have totally passed by my life without even me recognizing they are the love of my life. I believe it took me treating myself in the way I deserved to be loved to recognize it from someone else.

    I had to come to a place where I treated myself and the people around me with love and grace in order to recognize the healthy love I had been looking for my entire life, even if I couldn’t put into words when I was a child or a teenager.

    So, from a woman who didn’t believe healthy, fulfilling love existed, I am here to tell you that it truly does. Your job is to not settle for less. Cultivate the love for yourself that makes your heart feel warm, spread it among the people you love, and expect it in return. It is out there, my friends. Don’t give up.

  • The Signs of a Strong Friendship (and an Unhealthy One)

    The Signs of a Strong Friendship (and an Unhealthy One)

    “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” ~Oprah Winfrey

    “How on earth am I supposed to survive? I have no friends whatsoever!”

    These were the thoughts that ran through my mind then when I first set foot in London five years ago. I felt raw and vulnerable in the beautiful new city that I had to make my new home, alone, with my two kids, while my husband was overseas. I wondered how I was supposed to do it all.

    Well, I had J, a friend I’d met on my honeymoon in Bali, but we had only kept in touch occasionally, so I didn’t expect much from her. I couldn’t really call her my friend, maybe a pleasant acquaintance, but surprisingly she turned out to be my much-needed rock-solid support system and guardian angel.

    Every Saturday after work, she came over to my place, and we hung out. Sometimes we would walk to the park. Other times she would encourage me to drive (something I resisted). She visited my daughter when she fell and was in a cast and made my four-year-old daughter’s birthday memorable. She even helped me put up my garden table and chair. To say that I was grateful for her kindness would be an understatement.

    I was grateful—one, because the help and friendship she offered was unexpected. Secondly, because she did it with a great and open heart. And lastly, because she accepted me for who I was and what I could offer at that point.

    For the first time in my life, I was a ‘receiver’ in a friendship. Until then, I was always the giver.

    But with J, things were different. Her generosity touched me so much, so I thanked her often and told her how much I truly appreciated the trouble she took. But she always shrugged it off. One day as I was thanking her for the millionth time, she said, “Lana, the friendship goes both ways. I too appreciate hanging out with you and your little kids. They add a lot of joy to my life also!”

    She then proceeded to tell me that she lost two of her friends to cancer in the last few years, and the sudden losses left her feeling devastated. She said spending time with us helped her through that. I was shocked to hear it but was also pleased to know that my kids and I could fill that void for her in our imperfect selves.

    Her honesty and generosity taught me some essential lessons on friendship and helped me differentiate between a healthy and unhealthy one. So, let’s unpack them.

    The Tell-Tale Signs of Healthy Friendship

    1. There is an equal amount of give and take in the relationship. Both people’s needs are considered essential, and the friendship doesn’t feel lopsided.

    2. You’re both honest and transparent with each other. When J honestly opened up to me, it cemented our friendship because it made me feel equally important. Till then, I thought I was the vulnerable person in need of her, and I was surprised to know that she needed me as well.

    3. You’re both kind and compassionate, and you completely accept each other. Whenever J arrived, she was always considerate of how overwhelmed I was. She was happy to have an overwhelmed, scared, and disoriented friend and accepted me for who I was.

    4. Good friends don’t try to control, dictate, or tell you how to live your life. Though I was new to many things, she didn’t try to control me. She offered suggestions and sometimes pushed me out of my comfort zone but never crossed any boundaries. She gave me the space I needed.

    5. Good friends are generous—with their time, resources, or whatever they have to give. J was generous with her time and company and took me to various places. I was happy to have another adult with me as I visited new locations with my girls.

    6. Good friends appreciate each other and don’t try to take advantage of each other’s vulnerabilities.

    7. Good friends don’t try to manipulate the other for personal gain. They may help each other, but they don’t use each other. They spend time together because they care for each other and enjoy each other’s company, not because they want something from each other.

    Whenever there is an equal amount of give-and-take in a relationship, honesty, respect, and empathy for one another, you can be sure it is a keeper.

    Through J, I learned that friendship is a two-way street. Before that, I had no standards and welcomed anyone and everyone in my life as friends. Even the ones who walked all over me and took advantage. J upped the bar for me.

    So, what are the signs of an unhealthy friendship?

    1. It feels one-sided. The other person dominates the friendship and prioritizes their needs and wants over yours.

    2. They’re insensitive to your needs—they don’t consider them essential, or they trivialize them as unnecessary, either by joking or making your needs sound insignificant.

    3. They subtly undermine you, implying that you aren’t good enough, can’t do what you want to do, or shouldn’t bother pursuing your wants, needs, and interests.

    4. They see you as a means to an end, meaning you are useful for some specific purpose. Maybe you can help them move forward with their career, or you’re a bridge to connecting with someone else.

    5. They do not respect you—they ignore your boundaries, talk to you in a condescending tone, and/or treat you like you’re not a priority.

    6. They don’t respect or appreciate your time or effort.

    7. They’re demanding and think everything rotates around them.

    8. They have numerous issues that they can never sort out on their own. They never ask about you; you’re only there to listen to their problems and service their needs.

    9. They’re always competing with you, and everything is a game where they want to be the winner.

    10. They don’t want to know about you—your past, your feelings, or your interests.

    11. They repeatedly bail on you unexpectedly, as if they don’t value your time together.

    Walter Winchell says that “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” Here’s hoping you find that real friend who understands you, lifts you, and brings out the best in you!

  • Freedom from Food – This Time for Good!

    Freedom from Food – This Time for Good!

    “Nonresistance is the key to the greatest power in the universe.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I cannot say that I didn’t struggle in my life. But there’s one area in which I have overcome the challenges I was facing with hardly an effort: letting go of the eating disorder I was suffering from, getting rid of the extra weight I was carrying, and maintaining the results easily for twenty-eight years.

    How Did I Do That?

    In a minute I’ll tell you exactly how I did that and how you can do it too. But first let me take a moment to explain what exactly I was dealing with.

    As a child I always loved to eat and ate quite a lot, but though I wasn’t skinny I was always thin.

    At around fifteen I developed an eating disorder. I usually say that I suffered from bulimia, but when I read the symptoms, I’ve realized it might have been a binge eating disorder.

    I would eat a huge amount of food one day in a short period of time, and the next day I would start an extreme diet plan that I never managed to maintain for long. On one occasion I managed to maintain such a diet plan for several months until my period stopped and my hair started falling out.

    I would rarely vomit. Firstly, because it took a couple of years until I found out it was possible, and secondly, because it made my eyes red and swollen.

    But I think the exact diagnosis is not that important. In any case, I was suffering. And I’m sure you can relate, because even if you are not diagnosed with an eating disorder, you might still be struggling with endless cycles of dieting and overeating.

    (You may not be calling your eating plan “a diet,” since today it’s fashionable to say “I simply eat healthy” instead. But all those healthy *and strict* eating plans are ultimately diets, and like any diet, they eventually drive us to binge eating.)

    Why Did This Happen to Me?

    Concurrent with the development of my eating disorder I struggled as a teenager with bullying for six years.

    As an adult, when thinking about what happened, I used to say that eating was a distraction from my feelings. This is not entirely wrong; however, over time I’ve realized that this was not the main cause of my problem.

    My mother struggled most of her life with obesity and for years she tried all sorts of diets, without success.

    When I was in the seventh grade, she became concerned that I was eating too much. “If you keep eating so much, you’ll end up being fat like me,” she repeatedly told me.

    As a consequence, I came to believe that I inherited her tendency to be overweight and thus shouldn’t eat certain kinds of food. And because I had a hard time resisting the temptation, I started eating in secret and eventually developed an eating disorder and gained weight.

    The Big Shift

    Toward the age of twenty-three I woke up one morning with the understanding that not only did I think about food all day long, my efforts to overcome my weight problem didn’t get me anywhere.

    That morning I decided I would never diet again, even if it meant being overweight my entire life. I also decided that the foods that made me break my diet time and time again would become an integral part of my menu.

    For instance, from that day on, for many years my breakfast consisted of coffee and cookies (and that wasn’t the only sweet thing I ate that day).

    Once the burden of dieting was removed from my life, I no longer felt the irresistible urge to finish a whole block of chocolate like before. I knew I could eat chocolate today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and so on; and thus, I got to the point where I had chocolate at home and didn’t touch it—something I couldn’t imagine before.

    During the following year my weight has balanced and to this day, twenty-eight years later, I am thin and maintaining a stable body weight.

    I still think quite a lot about food, but not obsessively, only because I enjoy it so much. I also eat quite a lot, by estimation between 1700-2000 calories a day (I don’t count). I love healthy food but also enjoy unhealthy foods, and I never feel guilty for something I ate; in the worst-case scenario I suffer from a stomachache or nausea.

    The Principles That Gained Me My Freedom

    1. No food is the enemy.

    Contrary to popular belief, no food by itself has the power to create addiction, ruin your health (unless you are suffering from a specific medical condition), or make you instantly fat. However, many people have gotten extremely rich by convincing you otherwise.

    Obviously, the main part of your diet should be healthy, yet the bigger problem than eating unhealthy food is stressing, obsessing, and loathing yourself for doing so!

    If you can’t control yourself in front of a certain food, allow yourself to eat it only when you are outside or buy it in small packages.

    2. No food is strictly forbidden.

    When we forbid ourselves from a certain food, we inevitably develop an uncontrollable desire for it, and eventually find ourselves helplessly bingeing it.

    When we allow ourselves to eat whatever we crave, as I did with sweets, the day that we don’t feel like eating the food we couldn’t resist before, or desire it only once in a while, will surely come.

    The reason why this idea seems so unrealistic to most people is due to what I’ll describe next.

    3. Give yourself permission.

    The secret of my success was that I really allowed myself to eat whatever I want for the rest of my life.

    While people sometimes say that they give themselves permission to eat certain foods, they are still driven by fear of these foods and by the belief that they shouldn’t be eating them.

    While “enjoying” their freedom, in their minds they say to themselves, “tomorrow I’ll get back on track.” (Tomorrow, in this context, can mean the next day or “as soon as I can.”)

    And as long as this is their state of mind, they’ll be impelled to eat as much as possible of the forbidden food today.

    4. Stop treating yourself as an emotional eater.

    According to the urban legend about emotional eating, a “normal” person should only eat when they are hungry, only healthy food, never eat for pleasure only, and never reach a sense of fullness.

    Anything but this is emotional eating.

    But this is a complete deception, and if you hold onto it, you’ll forever be dieting and bingeing and will always feel that something is wrong with you.

    I often eat a bit too much or things that are not so healthy. I eat not only according to my needs but also for pleasure. And if I overdo it, nausea, stomachache, and a feeling of heaviness remind me that I need to regain balance.

    I’m not saying that overeating has no emotional motive; I’m just saying that this idea has gone way too far.

    5. Follow your own guidance.

    I can promise you that as long as you eat according to someone else’s plan, or according to any strict plan, over time your efforts will be futile.

    Rules such as “You must eat breakfast,” “three (or six) meals a day,” “Chew each bite thirty times,” “Never eat in front of the TV,” or, “Don’t eat after 7pm,” will only stand between you and your natural instincts and enhance fear and self-judgment.

    I eat fast, mainly in front of the TV, I eat small portions every one to three hours, I eat late at night—and that’s fine for me.

    So listen to yourself and learn through trial and error what works best for your body.

    6. Be honest with yourself.

    Often people say things like, “I’ve forgotten to eat,” “I’m never hungry before 4pm,” or, “one modest meal a day totally satisfies me.”

    They insist so strongly it’s the truth that they manage to deceive even themselves. But only for a while. Eventually their natural hunger and satisfy mechanisms reveal the truth, and again they find themselves bingeing.

    So don’t play games with yourself. It might work in the short term, but it keeps you in the loop of weight fluctuations and obsessive thinking about food in the long term.

    7. Do not waste calories on something you don’t like.

    If you insist on eating something you don’t want to, you’ll find yourself craving what you really desired and eventually eating it in addition to what you already ate.

    8. Be physically active.

    Being physically active boosts your metabolism and immune system and supports your emotional and physical well-being.

    Sometimes, however, people set a trap for themselves when they push themselves too far with exercising, and thus, after a while they can’t endure it anymore and ultimately quit.

    Instead, be as active as you can and in the way that best suits you. That will serve you much better in the long term.

    9. Focus on reaching a balance.

    Your ideal body weight might be a bit higher than the one you desire. But remember, insisting on reaching a certain body weight that is beyond your natural balance will cost you your freedom and keep you in the vicious circle of dieting and bingeing.

    Last but Not Least…

    The concept I’ve offered here won’t make you lose weight overnight. It took me a year to lose the excess twenty-two pounds I was carrying. And if you have more weight to lose it might take a bit longer.

    But if you feed it well, without driving it crazy with constant fluctuations between starvations and overeating, over time your body will relax and balance itself, this time for good.

  • How I Stopped Obsessing About the Wrong Things to Stay Healthy

    How I Stopped Obsessing About the Wrong Things to Stay Healthy

    “To change your life, you need to change your priorities.” ~Mark Twain

    Every year, come December, I used to obsess about air pollution. This was the time when my husband and I would take our young daughter to Poland, the country of my birth, to spend Christmas with the extended family. There my anxieties would hit the roof.

    Once the heating season kicks off, and the coal starts to burn in home furnaces, Polish air becomes unbreathable. The particle pollution may exceed norms by as much as 3000%. Some days you can actually feel the air burning the back of your throat, tasting of sulphur. And so I would keep the windows closed and forbid my daughter to venture outside.

    I purchased smog masks with the best of filters. I even considered skipping the Polish Christmas altogether and settling for some quite time with just the three of us in our tiny French village, enjoying the pristine air. That would be the responsible thing to do, right? After all, as a mother, my topmost priority is keeping my daughter—and us, her parents—in the best of health.

    In the meantime, however, I was writing stories on health and psychology, digging through hundreds of research papers a year and talking with dozens of scientists. And I finally came to realize what a mistake skipping Christmas in Poland would have been.

    The pollution, no matter how ghastly, was nowhere as important in terms of our family’s physical health as was spending time with relatives and friends, the more the better.

    There was one scientific paper which I found particularly striking: a large meta-analysis in which researchers looked at 148 studies with over 300,000 participants. The scientists noticed that people with stronger social relationships had a 50% higher chance of living to the end of that particular study—on average 7.5 years—than those who didn’t possess such healthy social capital.

    Some of the relationships were particularly life-prolonging. High quality marriage and friendships, plus being able to rely on neighbors, meant an astounding 60% lower mortality risk. To put it into perspective, lacking such relationships would have a far larger impact on longevity than smoking fifteen cigarettes a day (50% higher mortality), far larger than excessive drinking (30%) or leading the life of a couch potato (about 20%). Air pollution had a meagre 5% mortality risk.

    I was obviously worrying about wrong things. Denying my daughter, and myself, the joy of being surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles, and dozens of cousins, was far, far worse in terms of our health than whatever amounts of sulfur oxides linger in the Polish air.

    I got other things wrong, too. When my daughter was a toddler, I went through a vegetable obsession phase. We lived in Philadelphia at the time, walking distance from a well-stocked Whole Foods. That store was my heaven and hell all in one.

    Back then I believed that to stay healthy and live long my little family needed access to the best organic foods, the more varied the better (hence Whole Foods as heaven). I believed I needed kale and okra and enoki mushrooms. I needed organic raw honey and heirloom quinoa.

    Yet it was hell, too, because each shopping trip meant not only gazillion dollars spent, but also agonizing over which type of black rice was the best, or whether to buy baby arugula or broccoli raab. Wasting time that, as a working mother, I really did not have.

    But over the years I’ve learned that although proper diet is indeed important for health, it’s not the holy grail I’ve made it to be. Certainly no one needs heirloom quinoa to stay healthy. As long as you don’t overdo candy and fast food and get your five servings of fruits and vegetables per day (apples and carrots are perfectly fine), you will be okay.

    For me, the time I was squandering choosing organic greens would have been better spent volunteering, being mindful and kind to those around me.

    Consider the numbers: studies show that eating six servings of any fruit and veg per day can cut the danger of dying early by 26%. For volunteering, it may be even 44%. Simple kindness can tune our leukocyte genes less toward inflammation—which is a good thing, since chronic inflammation has been linked to such conditions as cancer, heart disease, and diabetes. Meanwhile, most so-called super foods have been vastly over hyped.

    All this made me wonder about the so-called French paradox—something I see all around me—my neighbors and friends eating plenty of fatty cheeses and sugary viennoiseries, and yet staying slim and healthy (the French are actually among the longest-lived nations on the planet).

    We often meet in our neighbors’ gardens for aperitif — a simple table will be set out on the grass, covered with snacks—greasy sausages (nitrates! Saturated fats!), baguette (simple carbs!), cakes, and plenty of wine. We would sit down for hours, eating, drinking, talking—and consider it dinner.

    Children would disappear into the wilderness of the garden, unsupervised, looking for bird nests and chasing bugs, from time to time reappearing to grab a bite of baguette or cheese. Healthy? Not by Whole Foods standards, no. But maybe it’s not that much about what the French eat, but how they eat—slowly, surrounded by others?

    My seven-year old French daughter absolutely refuses to eat by herself, and won’t touch her dinner or lunch unless someone sits down with her at the table—we’ve just had a scene about this a few days ago.

    That connection, that togetherness, may be what keeps the French arteries healthy. After all, science shows that our social hormones such as oxytocin and serotonin, our vagus nerve, our insula and amygdala in the brain, and even our gut microbes connect our physical health to how mindfully and socially we live our lives.

    It took years and hundreds of research papers to convince me, but I’ve learned my lessons. I no longer obsess about the best of organics. I no longer consider skipping holidays in Poland because of pollution. Instead, I pour my newfound time and energy into helping my neighbors, teaching my daughter kindness, meditating, being mindful, meeting my friends more often, and connecting with my husband, remembering to hold hands (to boost oxytocin).

    It helps us all stay healthy better than organic quinoa and the most pristine air. And as a side effect, it makes us extra happy, too.

  • Being Skinny Doesn’t Make You Fit or Healthy

    Being Skinny Doesn’t Make You Fit or Healthy

    “Your body is precious. It is your vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

    As a 5’4″ petite, half-Asian, people have always assumed that I’m fit. However, my slender figure hid the sins of a poor diet and exercise routine for a decade.

    The truth is, being skinny doesn’t make you healthy. There are many hidden dangers of being so-called “skinny fat.” (Though this is a commonly used term for unhealthy skinny people, it’s worth noting that bigger doesn’t always mean unhealthy. So perhaps a more accurate term would be “skinny unhealthy.”)

    Skinny fat, also known as “normal weight obesity,” affects both men and women who have seemingly healthy weights and Body Mass Indexes (BMI). However, a 2008 study by the University of Michigan found that nearly one-fourth of Americans of normal weight had high blood pressure or high cholesterol.

    I spent all of my twenties as a skinny fat woman. I haphazardly worked out without any routine or strategy, mainly copying what my friends did or running on a treadmill. I drank too much alcohol and never followed any diet consistently. My idea of a healthy dinner was frozen potstickers over a bed of lettuce.

    This thinking changed after my then-fiancé, now-husband, Ryan, proposed. I kicked it into high gear and used my engineering background to dive into the research. With six months to go before the wedding, I started experimenting with my body, diet, and exercise to have a toned body for my dream wedding.

    How Do You Know If You’re Skinny Fat?

    Dr. Ishwarlal Jialal, director of the Laboratory for Atherosclerosis and Metabolic Research at UC Davis Health says, “They look healthy, but when we check them out, they have high levels of body fat and inflammation. They’re at high risk for diabetes and cardiovascular problems, but you wouldn’t know it from their appearance.”

    Whether or not you’re capable of eating Taco Bell every day for lunch without gaining a pound, don’t be fooled. Bad diets will catch up with you. Here are other descriptions to see if you’re skinny fat:

    • You wake up skinny, but by the end of the day, your stomach has bloated as if you’ve gained twenty pound
    • You have a muffin top yet are slender everywhere else but your midriff.
    • You tend to reduce food intake during the day if you plan to fit into a tight shirt in the evening.
    • People dismiss your weight fluctuations and concerns due to your small or slender size.
    • Despite a sometimes-poor diet, you don’t seem to gain weight.
    • No matter how much cardio you do, your weight also seems to stay the same.
    • You’ve never seen muscle definition.
    • You can’t do a pull up to save your life and have “jelly arms.”

    According to InBody, a body composition device manufacturer, recommended body fat ranges for healthy men are between 10-20%, while for women 18-28%. If your weight is normal or low, yet you have a higher percentage of body fat, then you may be skinny fat.

    The same as being overweight, a bevy of health problems can afflict those men and women who are skinny fat, including higher risks of cardiovascular diseases.

    It took me years to understand that while I was skinny, I wasn’t healthy. Since then, I began taking intentional and systemic steps to get my health back on track.

    Now that we’re all housebound, it would be all too easy to indulge poor eating habits, and it’s understandable and okay if we splurge every now and then. But this could be a great time to develop new habits that can improve our overall health—which is crucial to maintaining a healthy immune system.

    If you’re ready to go from skinny fat to fit, here’s what you need to keep in mind:

    1. Know that it takes time.

    The problem with being skinny fat is that it takes a lot of effort to shift your body composition, a lot more than it often does for others. I can see my husband’s defined muscles after a week of workouts and healthy eating. For me and others who are skinny fat, it may feel like your body simply stays the same. However, you’ll undoubtedly start feeling better, even if you can’t see the results.

    Eating well and working out provides a whole spectrum of benefits, from better sleep to more energy. I felt better within a week although didn’t see any physical results for about two months. Don’t fear. Stay consistent and follow the plan. Good things are happening.

    2. Forget the scale.

    Many men and women are obsessed with the number on the scale. The truth is, the scale can’t tell you if it measures water weight, fat, or muscle. In fact, the scale can be downright misleading for skinny fat people. You may think that you don’t need to change your unhealthy habits because you’re a normal, or even low, weight.

    So, instead of focusing on the weight when you’re improving your diet and fitness, focus on tracking inches or taking photos as the primary data benchmark for success.

    Document your “before” stats by measuring the size of your chest, arms, waist, hips, and thighs. Next, take photos of yourself from the front, side, and back. Date them and store them somewhere safe. Don’t worry. No one ever has to see them. The important thing is creating a benchmark to see your health and body composition improve over time.

    Once you start focusing on eating better and working out regularly, you’ll likely become leaner in some areas, but more muscular and bigger in others. Either way, you’re on track to becoming healthier.

    3. Focus on five or six small meals a day.

    If you’re only going to do one thing, hone in on healthy eating. Eat fiber-rich foods like leafy vegetables and beans while reducing simple carbohydrates and sugars. While someone who is skinny fat may not see the adverse affects of a poor diet, consider this: a single chocolate milkshake is only burned off after sixty minutes running on a treadmill. Be thankful of your body’s metabolism, but don’t take it for granted.

    For all skinny fat men and women, I recommend eating smaller meals more frequently. While it’s a big scientific debate as to whether three or six meals a day are better, studies support that smaller meals help stave off hunger and reduces the potential to overeat or binge.

    As someone who has intermittent fasted, ate a traditional three large meals daily, and also experimented with small, frequent meals, I found that the small, frequent meals were most effective at keeping me the same size throughout the day. It also required advanced meal prepping, which meant extra thought was put into my food and nutrition.

    For me, moving to five small meals wasn’t as hard as I thought. Here was a typical day of vegetarian eating for me:

    8:30 AM – Breakfast smoothie loaded with frozen spinach and peanut butter

    10:30 AM – A snack of pumpkin or sunflower seeds, plus a banana

    12:30 PM – Homemade cup of vegetable soup with a strawberry and goat cheese salad

    3:00 PM – A half-cup of Greek yogurt with low-sugar, high-fiber granola

    6:00 PM – Asian vegetable stir-fry with quinoa

    This plan was enough food to keep me satiated and never hungry—although my colleagues joked that whenever they came into my office, I was always eating! This diet plan along with my workouts helped me move past my skinny fat phase.

    Remember, no matter your size, women should never consume less than 1,200 calories, and men should never consume less than 1,600 calories a day. If your goal is to increase muscle mass, then you might even have to eat more!

    4. Stop the cardio and grab the free weights.

    Hands down, the fastest way to leaving your skinny fat behind is through weightlifting—and you can even use DIY weights, like packages of rice or beans or paint cans.

    Weightlifting is something I would never have tried without my husband first suggesting it. With six months to go before the wedding, I knew my current cardio and running routines wouldn’t get me there! So, I acquiesced and started an online weightlifting program in our home gym.

    Unlike with cardio and aerobic exercise, weightlifting and other anaerobic exercises (like sprints and HIIT) build lean muscle mass. Instead of burning fat and oxygen, your muscles burn stored sugar called glycogen. Then, as you grow more muscle, new benefits follow including more calories burned, faster metabolism, increased bone density, and lowered blood sugar.

    For the first couple of months, I was skeptical that the weightlifting was doing anything. For years my mantra was “the more you sweat, the better the workout.” There were some days when after forty-five minutes of lifting, I didn’t even break a sweat! Before I wrote it off, however, I consulted my “before” stats and photos.

    When I saw the results, my jaw dropped. As someone who kept a never-changing figure since high school, I had put on muscle and looked more vibrant and healthier than ever. Outside of feeling sexier and stronger, the photos revealed that I hid all of my excess fat in my back. To top it off, my small Asian hips grew by four inches.

    As our wedding loomed closer, I realized that my perspective had changed about what my “dream body” looked like. Instead, it was now apparent that being skinny should never have been my goal. My body physique had become even bigger in some places, yet I had never felt so strong, confident, and healthy. I remember leaving my dress fitting the weekend before our wedding giddy, feeling more beautiful than I had ever felt before.

    It’s been an eye-opening journey, but it’s been rewarding to share that yes, men and women can go from skinny fat to fit with a few small dietary and exercise steps.