Tag: habit
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How One Small Good Habit Can Create Big Change in Your Life
“Small habits don’t add up, they compound. You don’t need to be twice as good to get twice the results. You just need to be slightly better.” ~James Clear
Life can often feel overwhelming, especially when we aspire to achieve significant goals or make substantial changes. However, the secret to lasting transformation might be simpler than you think. It lies in the power of a single, small habit. This article explores the life-changing impact of implementing just one positive habit into your life and maintaining consistency with it.
Embrace the Power of One
Adopting several good habits at once can be daunting and can lead to burnout or loss of motivation. Instead, consider starting with just one small, manageable good habit.
For instance, some people have found walking to be a gateway to a healthier lifestyle. This simple exercise can gradually progress into more intensive workouts like running, which, in turn, can inspire healthier eating habits. It’s all about taking that first step and sticking with it.
This One Exercise Changed My Life
My personal journey toward a healthier life began at the age of fourteen. I was extremely skinny, frequently getting ill, and often teased about my appearance by my classmates. I hated my skinny arms and my weakness. Desperate to build muscle and boost my immunity, I decided to commit to a seemingly small habit—performing thirty push-ups a day for a week.
On the first day, I completed thirty reps of push-ups (not in a row) with improper form. The next day, my body was sore, but I persevered and told myself, “Only seven days left, and after this challenge, I won’t need to continue doing push-ups.” This self-talk somehow kept me going.
Around day four or five, I surpassed the initial challenge of thirty reps and increased it to fifty. On day seven, I finally completed my push-up challenge. I no longer needed to do push-ups, but I felt motivated to continue for more than a week.
The Ripple Effect of One Good Habit
I didn’t limit my workouts to only doing push-ups; after thirty days of my push-up challenge, I bought “Billy’s Bootcamp by Billy Blank” on Amazon. (It was a popular exercise DVD for stay-at-home moms in Japan, yet it was super tough for an unfit teenager like me.) Later, I added weights to my workout routine.
Because of my push-ups, I realized the importance of exercise and how it makes me feel good. So after that challenge, I started learning about nutrition, prioritizing healthy eating, and of course, adding regular workouts to my day-to-day life.
The Influence of Small Good Habits That Transform Other Aspects of Life
A small good habit doesn’t limit itself to just one aspect of life; any positive habit you start can expand to other areas.
What happened in my life after the push-up challenge?
I watched a fitness video on YouTube posted by a Japanese fitness influencer who was in the US and spoke English fluently. It hit me so hard. At the age of nineteen, as a Japanese guy who had never spoken a second language before, it was extremely inspiring for me to decide to learn English.
Just before turning twenty, I enrolled in an English language school in Fiji (because it was affordable). Half a year later, I started traveling around Australia, Southeast Asia, and Europe, ultimately traveling for more than three years. During my travels, I encountered many intelligent people who inspired me to delve into self-development and practice mindfulness.
One day, I stumbled upon a YouTube video posted by a British influencer. In that video, he emphasized the importance of reading. Despite never having a reading habit or barely reading books before, I wanted to improve myself and gain knowledge. This led me to pick up a book and start reading.
Even though the beginning is small, one good habit can create momentum that shifts one’s life completely.
The Domino Effect of Personal Growth
Starting with push-ups improved my health and led me to a fitness video, which, in turn, inspired me to learn English. The ability to speak English allowed me to travel overseas, providing opportunities to meet intelligent people who completely changed my mindset toward personal development. Watching self-improvement videos ultimately led me to gain knowledge through reading good books.
The Momentum of Consistency
It’s crucial to understand that noticeable results don’t happen overnight. It’s consistent effort over time that builds momentum and leads to significant change. Each day’s improvement may seem small and inconspicuous, but when you reflect over the years, you’ll notice how much your life has improved and how far you’ve come.
Consider the famous question: “Would you choose to get three million dollars right now or choose one penny that doubles for the next thirty days?”
Let’s say you choose the one penny, and your friend chooses three million dollars. After seven days, your one penny is still less than a dollar, and your friend might think you made a stupid decision. By day twenty, your penny becomes over $5,200 but still far behind three million dollars, and your friend is relaxed, not even worried about being surpassed by your progress.
Then, a miracle happens on day twenty-eight – your penny reaches over one million dollars, and your friend is confused about what just happened. On day thirty, your penny becomes $5,368,709—over five million dollars! You win!
This is what overnight success looks like. You may not notice a big difference, but one day, consistent work starts to make a significant impact.
The 1% Rule for Lasting Change
Just like the compounding penny, making small, 1% changes in your daily habits can have a profound impact over time. It’s akin to a plane traveling from Los Angeles to New York. If the plane’s trajectory is off by just 1%, it could end up in Albany or Dover instead.
The Importance of Persisting
Momentum is much like riding a bicycle—it needs consistent effort to maintain it. The moment you stop pedaling, the bicycle loses speed and eventually falls. Likewise, without consistency, the momentum of your positive habits dissipates.
Keep Going, Keep Growing
It’s easy to become complacent once you achieve your initial goals. However, the moment you decide you’re “good enough” and stop improving is the moment you lose your momentum.
Remember, there’s no endpoint in personal growth. The key is to keep going, keep growing, and maintain the momentum you’ve worked hard to build.
The Power of One Good Habit: A Recap
In summary, adopting one small positive habit and remaining consistent with it can significantly transform your life. This habit can create a ripple effect that can impact various aspects of your life, leading to personal growth and self-improvement.
As the ancient Chinese proverb goes, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” So, what small habit will you start today?
Your Next Steps
Take a moment to reflect on a small good habit that you can incorporate into your life. Remember, the focus is not on immediate results but on the consistency and persistence you put into this habit. As time goes on, you’ll start to notice the dramatic transformation this one small habit will bring to your life.
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Why I Love My Sober Life: Everything I Gained When I Quit Drinking
“Sobriety was the greatest gift I ever gave myself.” ~Rob Lowe
I tried and failed to have a fabulous relationship with alcohol for many years.
When my children were tiny, I drank far more than was good for me, thinking I was relaxing, unwinding, socializing, and having fun. I’d seen my life shrink down from a world with lots of freedom and vibrancy to a socially restricted void, and I wanted to feel normal. I wanted to join in with everyone else.
All my birthday cards had bottles of gin or glasses of fizz on them, all the Friday afternoon memes on social media were about “wine o’clock,” and I wanted to be part of that world.
The opening of a bottle in the evening had me thinking I was changing gear, moving from stressed to relaxed, and treating myself to some self-care. Nothing could have been further from the truth; the alcohol made me wake during the night and gave me low-level anxiety and an almost permanent brain fog.
I’m not proud of the drinking I did when the kids were small. I now feel a deep sense of shame about that time. I’d created such a happy life for myself—lovely husband and kids, nice house in a great town, wonderful friends. What was I drinking to escape from?
On the outside I looked like I had it all, but I didn’t—I had overwhelm.
I was a wife and family member, a mum to two small children, an employee, and a freelancer… I had all the roles I’d longed for, and yet it was all too much.
I didn’t know how to let go of some of my responsibilities, and I didn’t know how to cope with everything that was going on in my life. Alcohol felt like the treat I deserved. It took me a while to figure out that alcohol was the common theme in my rubbish decision-making, tiredness, and grumpiness.
I’d spent a long time feeling trapped and stuck. I knew I wanted to stop drinking, but I was worried about what others would think of me, how I would feel at parties without a drink in my hand, and whether I’d be able to relax properly at the weekends.
I kept going back and forth, deciding I’d stop, then changing my mind, thinking I wouldn’t or couldn’t. It was a hellish merry-go-round. When I was forty-one, I finally made the decision to quit alcohol for a year as a little life experiment. I wanted to see how I would feel without it for an extended period of time.
I decided to take a bold action in autumn 2019. I told a group of online friends that I was not going to drink alcohol for the whole of 2020, and once I had said it out loud, I knew I would have to do it.
This step toward accountability really helped me to move forward with my sober mission. I started to count down to 2020 (still binge drinking), wondering how this experiment was going to go!
Toward the end of 2019, my mindset began to shift. Instead of dreading the start of 2020, I started to look forward to it. I made plans that I knew would lead to a successful sober year. I read books about quitting, listened to inspiring podcasts, and watched films or documentaries that didn’t show alcohol consumption in a glamorous light. I followed people who were a few steps ahead of me on their sober journey. I asked questions and I followed advice.
I had my last drink on Dec 8th, 2019—nothing monumental, out with a few friends and no hangover the next day. It was a total non-event!
I wanted to have a year without alcohol to know if life would be stressful, lonely, or boring like I’d led myself to believe, or if it was possible to relax, connect with others, and have fun without a drink. The hangovers and brain fog were getting worse. In my late thirties and early forties, I just couldn’t get away with it like I had in my twenties.
I wanted to be a more patient parent—no more selfishly rushing the kids through bedtime because I wanted to get back downstairs to my drink.
I wanted hangover-free weekends to enjoy my time away from work.
I wanted to maximize my nutritional choices—no more rubbish food choices dictated by low-level hangovers, or high-level ones for that matter.
I wanted to sleep deeply and wake up feeling rested and ready for the day ahead.
I wanted to know I was giving myself the best chance at not getting high blood pressure, heart disease, liver disease, cancer, dementia, or a compromised immune system.
I went through the whole of 2020 without a drink. There were some tough days to navigate, some challenging events to negotiate, and awkward conversations to have with friends, but I did it all, and I did it all sober.
When 2021 rolled around, I knew I wasn’t going to go back to how I’d drunk before. I had changed my relationship with alcohol for the better. I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually a different person, and I didn’t want to go back to numbing my feelings.
It’s easy to name all the benefits to our bodies and minds when we cut alcohol out—deeper sleep, clearer skin, better mood, more energy, and less anxiety, to name a few—but for me, the real shift has come a couple of years down the line. I feel more spiritually open than I’ve ever felt before, and I cannot wait to see what unfolds next for all of those of us on this sober-curious journey.
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5 Ways to Use Movement (Not Exercise) to Support Your Mental Health
“Nothing is more revealing than movement.” ~Martha Graham
It seems like only yesterday that I was at home with a newborn, a kindergartener, two dogs, and a husband who, just like me, was working from home, when we were thrown into the unthinkable COVID19 pandemic.
It didn’t take long for the stress and tension to build in my body. The feeling of instability, uncertainty, and fear, not to mention the post-partum anxiety, took its toll on my body as it became more rigid, bound, immobile, and frozen.
All the ways I had relied on movement as exercise were taken away, adapted to in-home and Zoom learning, which unfortunately did not work for my schedule or home life. It was the first time in a long time that I was not able to incorporate dance into my week.
It seemed very hard to expand, stretch, even breathe, and that’s when it hit me. A little voice inside said, “You need to practice what you preach!” I needed to redefine movement and focus it on my mental health; connecting to movement for emotional well-being and not just for physical activity.
When most of us think of movement we think of exercise. While all exercise is movement, not all movement is exercise.
There are so many ways our bodies move, even involuntarily, that contribute to not only how we feel but what we think. Science tells us that molecules of emotion exist throughout the body, so wouldn’t it make sense that in order to manage those emotions, we need to tap into all the ways to move the body that houses them?
First, let’s look at what movement is. Movement is anything that allows the body to change position or relocate. This can be something as grandiose as running a marathon, or a resting heartbeat, blood pumping, even breathing. All of these examples involve parts of the body or the whole body shifting its position.
So, with this in mind, how are you moving right now? Now ask yourself, how is this movement impacting my mood in this moment? Is it supporting a healthy mindset or perpetuating a habit or behavior that contributes to a negative thought pattern?
In my case, as mentioned above, my movement was very limited, confined, and rigid. It was often impeded by another person, my newborn, who through no fault of his own needed me for survival. I neglected my own body’s needs and it took a toll on my mental health.
Changing the way you think or even feel actually comes down to changing how you move. So what can be done? Here are five ways you can use movement to support your mental health.
1. Focus on your movement right now.
When we focus on our movement in the present moment, we minimize the anticipation of what’s to come, which is often tied to fear or anxiety. We also mitigate dwelling on the past, which can harbor feelings of guilt and doubt.
Every movement is an opportunity to be in the moment, because every moment is found in movement.
Bring to mind one part of your body and simply become aware of its shape, how much space it takes up, if it has any rhythm, or even the lack of movement present. Begin to shift this part of the body in small ways and explore how this part moves.
I began to recognize that my body was closed and tight. So I intentionally made an effort to check in with my posture, giving myself an opportunity to stretch and expand in my body to counter the negative effects I was experiencing.
2. Cross the midline of your body.
When we engage in any cross-lateral movement, like walking, marching, or giving ourselves an embrace, we encourage one hemisphere of the brain to talk with the other. This boosts neural activity across the corpus collosum, which increases neuralplasticity, otherwise known as the brain’s ability to change. This allows new pathways to develop which directly corresponds to our emotional resilience, ability to problem solve, and think critically.
Begin by giving yourself a big hug or simply touching opposite hand to opposite knee. You could also try exercises or yoga poses that require you to cross your midline, like side bends, windmills, or bicycling while lying on your back.
3. Move your spine.
When you engage in movement of your spine, you tap into your self-awareness. This vertical plane of the body houses our core; beliefs, identity, moral compass. Bringing attention to the spine and any way it is able to move gives us the opportunity to become more aware of our inner world, how we feel, and what we need.
Keep in mind that you do not have to be flexible, but gently explore all the ways you are able to move your spine, rib cage, and even hips.
I like to start my day from the comfort of my bed, lying on my back, bringing my knees into my chest, and hugging my legs. As I tuck my chin, this allows my spine to curve as I attempt to connect head and tail.
4. Play with timing and space.
We move in familiar ways because we like comfort, even it that comes at a price for our mental health.
Our bodies tend to stick to a certain timing, pace, and even shape as we move through our world. When we change up the timing and shape or the space our bodies take up, we begin to challenge our minds by moving out of our comfort zone. This can be uncomfortable, but done in small bouts and with ease, can increase our window of tolerance or ability to manage stress.
Notice the natural pace of our movement (walk, gesture, etc.) and try speeding it up and/or slowing it down. Same thing with space, can you take up more space? How does that feel?
5. Move more, not better!
Increasing all the movements at our disposal makes us more resilient in our minds. When you only move in so many ways, then you can only think in so many ways.
When we move our bodies more, in new and unfamiliar ways, building a robust movement vocabulary, we increase our ability to transition through life, manage challenges, or at the very least, begin to connect with ourselves in a different way. This can lead toward more self-compassion and empathy.
When I began moving more throughout my daily life, I had more compassion for myself and my children, who were also struggling to make sense of the world, just like me. I could model my own need for regulation and safety in my body, and as a family we were better for it.
Your body, and its movement, is your greatest resource for emotional well-being and mental wellness. It often starts with noticing all the ways your body currently moves and inviting in new ways of moving whenever possible.
There is no wrong way to do this, as it is an individualized practice designed to harness your own mind-body connection. Furthermore, it’s not the movement alone that matters but the execution as well. Being mindful and intentional as you engage in this practice is vital.
Integrating the aforementioned tips into your lifestyle is a guaranteed way to A.C.E. your mental health. By becoming more AWARE of our movement, we can CHALLENGE our current behaviors and EXPAND our minds in order to live more emotionally regulated lives.
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How to Get in Shape When You Feel Lazy and Unmotivated
“Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.” ~Jin Ryun
Can I be brutally honest with you for a moment?
I was the “fat kid” growing up, and I’ve struggled to find the motivation to lose weight and lead a healthy lifestyle my whole life.
I first realized I was fat when the teacher asked for a volunteer to play Santa in the third grade Christmas play, and Aaron Valadez loudly blurted out, “Tim would be perfect for the role since he’s already got the belly!”
I literally died right there. Mortified.
This was the first time in memory when I turned to food to numb my pain and embarrassment. Congratulations to me, I had discovered the emotional rollercoaster known as binging! A rollercoaster which I would struggle to get off of for my entire life…
I can pinpoint the exact moment when I told myself enough is enough.
I was devastated after a recent breakup and was feeling lonely, lost, and depressed.
These were very uncomfortable emotions. And what do I we when I feel uncomfortable emotions? I eat them, of course!
Luckily I had a box of cinnamon buns ready for the occasion. I became powerless to stop myself, as the rush of the binge and my inner saboteur had taken hold. In a moment of sheer ecstasy and gluttonous pleasure I ate eight cinnamon buns in one sitting.
And then….
The rush was over. The sweet taste provided a fleeting moment of relief.
Now all that remained was an empty box, an empty apartment, and an empty heart.
Oh god, what had I done??!!
I shouldn’t be surprised, I had spent the last three weeks repeating this cycle every night before bed.
But today as I was cleaning up the crumbs, I decided I’d clean up my act too!
Tomorrow will be different! I finally had found the motivation to stop the binging, stop the bad habits, and stop treating myself like I was worthless.
Tomorrow, I thought, will be the day I start a healthy diet, start a daily exercise routine, and start treating myself right!
But tomorrow never came.
The next day I was back at it again with the sweets. A moment of relief from the pain of loneliness was far sweeter than anything the gym or a healthy lifestyle had to offer.
Like a moth to a flame I was powerless to resist the sweet temptation, and I didn’t give a damn about my reputation!
Only after the damage was done and the sweets gone did I feel motivated to clean up my act. Motivation was never there in the moments I needed it most. Where had my motivation gone and how could I get it back!?
I’ve discovered that motivation was the last thing I needed. I never found the motivation to stop, and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Motivation is trash.
Why is Motivation Trash?
I know we all think motivation is what drives action, but in many cases it’s the other way around—actions create motivation.
Have you ever felt like you didn’t want to go to the gym, but then once you put on your gym shoes and walked out the door you felt super motivated and ready to go? That’s an example of motivation coming after the action.
Motivation should never be the sole force driving your actions because it is a temporary emotion. Just like you can’t feel sad or angry all the time, you can’t feel motivated all the time.
Motivation was not going to save me from my cycle of binging and self-sabotage. My problem was I knew exactly what I needed to do (lose weight), but I didn’t know how or why I wanted to do it.
I needed to connect to the intention, or the why, behind my goals before I could determine how to follow through on them. It’s not what you do; it’s why you do it that will ultimately drive you to succeed.
I also needed something that required very little willpower or motivation; what I needed was a habit.
The Power of Habit and Intention
Habits are at the center of everything we do; most waking hours are spent executing one habit after another without even thinking about it.
What do you do when you wake up? Get out of bed, make the bed, make coffee, drive to work?
These are all examples of habits that are essential for our daily lives to run smoothly. Because they are so engrained in our brain there is very little thought or resistance that occurs when executing our daily routine.
In my case, I knew I needed to create a habit to replace my binging and to get off the couch. I wanted to create a habit of a daily fitness routine and get back to the gym.
Before I could create a habit that would stick, I first had to connect with the intention behind it. A powerful intention is something bigger than just yourself, and is connected to a higher purpose that will have a positive impact on the world.
A habit infused with a powerful intention is what carries me through to get those workouts in even when I’m not feeling motivated to go.
How Intentions Can Give or Take Away Your Power
Intentions are so important because a poorly developed intention can actually drain your energy.
For instance, when I was stuck in the binge cycle my intention was: I want to lose weight because I don’t want to be a disgusting loser fat slob.
Surprise, surprise, this intention sucks! The issue is two fold:
The first problem is that it is not connected to a higher purpose. It’s all about ME ME ME!
Second, it’s framed in a negative way that reinforces the belief that I am a disgusting fat slob.
A negative intention like this destroys my self-confidence and willpower and actually makes me more likely to binge again.
How to Set a Powerful Intention
I knew I needed a more powerful intention to carry me through when temptation rears its ugly head!
My new intention is simple—I want to get in shape to have a healthy life and age gracefully, and I want to inspire others to do the same.
Notice how this intention is connected to a higher purpose, something greater than just myself—inspiring others.
With this new intention, it became clear how laying on the couch eating cinnamon buns hurts not just me but those around me as well. This new intention gave me the energy I needed to follow through on my goals and build the right habits into my daily life when motivation was nowhere to be found.
If you want to create a powerful intention, think about how to connect your goals to something bigger than yourself; this could be having the energy to take care of your family, to help your local community, to save the planet, or anything you want it to be.
There can be multiple intentions behind a habit; try to find the intention you connect with most and focus on that.
How Do You Stick to a Habit?
I found the best way to stick to a habit is first to understand what a habit really is.
Every habit consists of three parts: cue, routine, and reward.
Cues are triggers for habits to begin. For instance, my alarm in the morning is the cue that triggers my morning habit, and the routine kicks in. Having a routine is the best because it takes the motivation and decision making out of the process. No longer is energy wasted on the internal debate thinking about if or when I’m going to the gym. There’s no need to make a decision; I just follow the process.
After the alarm cue I get out of bed, put on my gym clothes, drink a huge glass of water, and then start walking to the gym. When I arrive at the gym I (usually) feel energized and ready to face the workout ahead.
The most resistance I find to starting a new habit is in this first stage. Remember Newton’s first law of motion? Things in motion tend to stay in motion? Well this law also applies to habits!
Once you get started, you build momentum and it becomes easier to follow through.
The Three-Minute Rule
To encounter the least mental resistance to starting a new habit, the goal is to have the shortest cue time possible. A cue time of three minutes or less is my golden rule. This leaves very little time for willpower to falter.
Don’t want to exercise? Make putting on your workout clothes the cue that starts your routine. Once your clothes are on and you are in motion you’ll be well on your way to getting that workout in!
Start Small
The real secret to creating a new habit is to start out small in the beginning.
When I wanted to start working out, I told myself I would go to the gym and only exercise for five minutes. After that I would leave. I didn’t plan to exercise; I only planned to show up. I wasn’t worried about the benefits of exercise; I was focused on building the habit.
I recognized if I didn’t have the habit in place there was no point trying to stick to a routine. Build the habit first and let the rest come naturally.
The truth is, even today when I don’t want to work out, at the very least I’ll go to the gym for five minutes. Even if all I can manage to do is breathe, that’s okay because I’m keeping my momentum going and my habit intact.
Of course I almost always stay for more than five minutes; this is a psychological trick I use to get my ass to the gym even when I’m not motivated.
Importance of Routine
The second stage of a habit is the routine. This is the actual going to the gym and working out part. Once the cue is complete and the habit solidified in your daily life you can pretty much run on autopilot here.
Just think of all the times you’ve been driving home from work and arrived in your driveway only to realize you didn’t remember driving home at all. That is an example of a routine that runs on autopilot. Similarly this idea of autopilot can also apply to your workouts once it becomes a habit.
Reward Reinforces the Habit
The last stage of any habit is the reward stage. In the case of exercise, the reward for me is feeling energized and focused, and getting the rush of feel good endorphins that follow a good workout.
Brain activity spikes in the reward stage, and the link between cue and reward is reinforced. This is what makes habits so hard to break. Every time we complete a habit, it gets reinforced in the brain by the reward.
This means every time I go to the gym it becomes easier to come back because I reinforce the link between the cue and the reward in my brain. Resistance to the workout decreases, and executing my habit of daily exercise becomes easier and easier.
Pro Tip: Writing out a habit with pen and paper has been shown to dramatically increase follow through.
Try writing out this sentence (with pen and paper):
“I’m going to go to exercise on [DAY] at [Time of Day] at [Location]”
By doing this, not only do you increase your chances of exercising, you also turn your time and space into a cue to commence your new habit. Getting started is the hardest part, so the more cues you have, the greater your chances for success.
How Working Out Changed My Life
After I replaced my unhealthy habit of binging with the healthy habit of working out, some rather unexpected benefits occurred in my life. I quit smoking, lost weight, and started making healthy diet choices.
A healthy diet increased my mental energy and willpower, making it much easier to handle the stress of life. Now, instead of opening a box of cinnamon buns when I’m stressed, I’ll open up my gym bag and head out the door. I now treat myself with the respect I deserve. And it all started by stepping foot in the gym for five minutes a day.
If you want to make fitness part of your daily life, stop relying on motivation this instant!
Get connected to the intention behind your goals and make it about something bigger than just yourself.
Once you have your intention, write down with pen and paper the time and place of your workout to increase your chances for success.
Create a habit of going to the gym or hiking or practicing yoga or doing whatever exercise you enjoy—the shorter the cue time to begin your fitness routine the more likely you are to follow through.
Start small and commit to exercising at least five minutes a day. Build the habit before worrying about the actual workouts.
After you have a habit of exercising, experiment to find a workout plan you find fun and can follow consistently.
And remember, things in motion stay in motion! Meaning even if you feel like being lazy and sitting on the couch, it’s very likely once you actually get started you will find the motivation for an amazing workout. Remember motivation often comes after the action and not before. Just get started already!!!
I’m not special. I struggle with my weight and self-image every single day. I have to constantly battle debilitating neurotic thoughts telling me I’m not good and I should just give up. These are some of the tips I used to pick myself up out of a depression and get in shape when I wasn’t feeling motivated. With these tips I know you can do the same!
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How and Why I Stopped Binge Drinking
“Good habits are hard to form and easy to live with. Bad habits are easy to form and hard to live with. Pay attention. Be aware. If we don’t consciously form good ones, we will unconsciously form bad ones.” ~Mark Matteson
I am an extreme person. I have always done things at 100%. I worked my hardest in high school in order to attend the best college so that I could attend the best graduate program so that I could get the best job earning the most money. I not only went to these institutions, I did very well at them.
I was also very into powerlifting and bodybuilding—two sports that take extreme amounts of dedication, determination, discipline, and desire.
This fiend-like mentality was fueled by my desire to please my parents. I lived for my parents, always pushing myself to meet or exceed their expectations. I was a people pleaser.
My negative cycle started when I was quite young. I remember being in middle school and beginning to be concerned about my weight and body image. This was probably spurred by prior memories of being picked on as early as grade school.
In middle school, the perfect storm for pain began to emerge. I realized that I could do something about my weight, so I started to lift weights and run—a lot. What I also did a lot of was eating compulsively. This was exacerbated by a rough divorce between my parents, not to mention that late middle to early high school is a time of trial and tribulation for anyone.
Through high school, I would work out like a soldier, restrict my calories, and then binge. Sometimes I would eat until I could not move. This often happened at night, so I could not sleep either. Then I wouldn’t eat for a day or two to overcompensate.
Heading off to college marked another morphing of this cycle. I was getting serious about competitive powerlifting and bodybuilding. I became meticulous about what I ate. I would weigh every single piece of food on a scale and then track the macronutrients (amount of fats, carbs, and proteins in grams) in an excel spreadsheet. I even became the president of the weightlifting club.
I remember not having more than a sampler of beer on my twenty-first birthday because I didn’t want to go over my macros. It went on like this all through college.
During my early months at college, I was so dedicated to weightlifting that I would go to parties and not drink. I can remember people getting uncomfortable around me because of this. At this point in my life, I did not understand that this was their insecurity to deal with. So I let it make me feel awkward and eventually began drinking more and more often.
At first, I had it under control. I wouldn’t drink during the week, or for two weeks before any major exams. But when I drank, I drank a lot.
My pattern continued through most of graduate school. There were a few times when I didn’t drink for a month or two, but usually, it was an every weekend thing. The binge eating and binge exercising continued through this time as well. I would either go for a very long bike ride and then eat everything in sight, or do the opposite.
I consider a time early in graduate school as the beginning of my “spiritual awakening.” I had times of intense consciousness and presence. There were also very harsh periods of loneliness and depression. The cycle of getting anxious, getting depressed, and uncorking continued until graduation.
After a short hiatus, I took a job at a startup company near where I attended graduate school. At first, the old pattern returned similarly. Once things got stressful, my cycle morphed.
There started to be times of excessive drinking during the week. After a long day of twelve to fourteen hours with a team consisting of my boss and myself, how else was I to escape?
I would also binge eat and then fast afterward since I didn’t have the time to do extended bike rides. This was just another way to eat everything in sight and then compensate to prevent weight gain.
During this time in my life, my mindfulness practice was nearly non-existent. There were long periods of anger and frustration. This all continued until I realized that this job was a dead end, got fed up, and quit.
While unemployed, I drank heavily on the weekends, which often led me to sleep most of every Monday away. I continued drinking my weekends away after I found a new job and then added a couple weeknights of drinking. Eventually, I was drinking almost every day and was still binge drinking on the weekends. Something had to give.
Reasons for the Cycle
My mind has always been fertile, with lots of thoughts, ideas, and emotions, which can be very overwhelming at times.
Additionally, I had never dealt with personal issues or traumas that I had experienced, such as my lack of self-love, low self-esteem, or the anger and resentment that I had toward others who had what I thought that I did not. When those emotions came up, I would spend long periods of time not truly in the present moment.
By overusing caffeine, I limited my creativity and capacity to think. I was often out of the moment and caught up in a chaotic mental chatter. I would get a boost of productivity with the first cup or two of coffee, and then it was a downward slide after that. I would often end up at the point of paralyzing myself with anxiety about deadlines and things that I could not control.
Alcohol came in to dull this stress that had built up all week. This also suppressed any emotions that I had been feeling, including social anxiety.
Drinking created countless problems. I often slipped into a sporadic, impulsive, and undisciplined lifestyle. I noticed my short-term memory was fading. I tended toward binge eating, especially while drinking or hungover. I stayed up late, throwing off my schedule. Massive schedule swings left me tired, unproductive, and uncreative. Alcohol also limits real human connection, leaving new relationships superficial.
I genuinely feared approaching women in a social setting since I’d been rejected many times before. I feared embarrassment or the awkward moments. So instead of showing them the deep, rich, and intellectual me, they had to experience the alcohol-induced, animal side of my brain and all things that go with that. I am embarrassed to write this, but that is what alcohol does when consumed in excess.
I also justified my behavior by only drinking on the weekends. I recognized some time ago that binging every weekend was taking me until Wednesday to feel normal again and that something might be wrong with that. But it was not until recently that I became driven to do something about it.
This cycle that I speak of comes in an infinite number of varieties. My cycle revolves around alcohol and food. The root is a lack of self-love and general discontent with my mental construct of reality. A cycle can show up as any addiction.
For me, going through such a perpetual cycle came from many things. I had to surface those and realize them with extreme presence and awareness. Mindfulness is a healthy way to deal with the stress and anxiety; alcohol is not.
Ending the Cycle
I got to a point where I thought enough was enough. I had big goals, and this type of lifestyle was not supporting those goals. So I decided to stop, cold turkey, or so I thought.
I ended up quitting for about a month. I reduced my caffeine intake and didn’t drink at all. My energy went up, and I was feeling very balanced and grounded. This new pattern did not last long.
I ended up slipping back into the cycle. This made me realize that this would be tougher than it may have seemed. This setback reinforced how poorly I feel and how much money I waste when I am in that cycle. It was a stark reminder how easy it is to create embarrassing situations while intoxicated.
I now focus on the fact that we must have infinite patience with ourselves. There is no need for negative, self-defeating self-talk.
I have recently been blessed with an opportunity to rebuild my life in a different place with a new career path. I have taken that opportunity and am currently designing my life to include people who are dedicated to living a healthy lifestyle and have an objective of helping others.
I have again stopped drinking with the dedicated intention of not drinking for this month and not binging for the indefinite future. By writing this, I am now held responsible for my actions.
I know it will be an arduous journey to reform my life and habits, but it is less about never drinking or binging again and more about trending toward a life of more balance and less binge.
Reasons for Quitting
The intriguing part is that I am not stopping this substance abuse for me. I am ending it because I found a purpose that is larger than me. I have devoted myself to this, and I need to have a fully functional, focused, dedicated, and creative mind to carry out these things.
I have knowledge and wisdom inside of me that is very useful to others. I can translate it into a modern cultural and societal context in such a way that will be able to get through to and help many people. The rough draft of my first book is complete with many more to come!
I know that my thoughts become negative a couple of days after a binge drinking session. I know that I am not fully present and conscious during the drinking or when I’m hungover. When I am intoxicated, I act in ways and do things that my sober self would never do.
After a week or two of not drinking, I have noticeably more energy and a clearer mind. I realized that I must take charge of my own life and not let others influence me. To get to this point, I had to get fed up with poisoning my body and my mind.
Alcohol is also a complacency tool. It has been given to the masses as a legal substance to numb their thoughts and emotions. It is a destructive way for humans to be able to cope with things that they falsely believe they cannot control.
I must also always keep at the forefront of my mind that I have an alcoholic father and a mother who struggles.
I now focus on mindfulness and gratitude. I have since realized that we are all are extraordinary and unique beings who possess a gift that we must give. Because of specific experiences that we have had, we all have more or less of certain qualities. To be angry or resentful when we do not have these characteristics is unrealistic.
I want to be healthy, and this requires a holistic approach. We can have fit bodies and weak minds, or vice versa. To be truly healthy and happy, we must approach health from the perspective of mind, body, and soul.
All of these components need nourishment. If we fail to nourish one part, then like a plant, it will wither. Knowing how to be healthy is one thing; doing something about it is entirely different.
Personal Takeaways
- It is a personal choice to take positive action.
- I realized that when people get awkward that you don’t drink, it is their stuff, not yours.
- Allowing such an unhealthy, addictive cycle shows little to no self-love.
- Health is a holistic thing (physical, mental, and spiritual).
- We must keep company who support us in our goals. Choose your company wisely.
- Alcohol is a complacency tool. It kills consciousness and creativity.
- This cycle I speak of comes in an infinite number of varieties.
- We are not alone. Many other people are trying to escape their reality as well.
- To cease such a cycle, we must devote ourselves to a larger purpose.
Conclusion
In the end, we are all human. This means that we are fundamentally flawed. We are also creatures of habit. It is easy for us to do something over and over if we feel we’ve gained some type of reward for doing it. This means that it is not uncommon for these habits to be negative, self-defeating, or unhealthy.
One thing that we as humans can do is to shine the light of consciousness upon these cycles that may not benefit us. The shadows of darkness cannot live in the presence of this light. I am not suggesting that shining and holding this awareness is easy. I personally still struggle with this. It is difficult. Life is difficult. With practice, like with weight training, we can become strong, and we can change these patterns.
We can identify our damaging cycles. We can share them with friends and family with no embarrassment or shame. We can choose to focus on what our higher purpose in life is, as we all have one. This will allow us to replace these negative, downward cycles with positive, upward ones that will benefit us and all of the people around us.
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A Science-Backed Habit That Can Change Your Life for the Better
“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” ~Epictetus
When I lost my aunt to cancer three years ago, her death sat over me for months and acceptance didn’t begin until I had dinner with Kathy, one of my best friends.
Over noodles, I shared with Kathy all the things I wouldn’t be able to do with my aunt: the conversations we would never get to have, the places we wouldn’t get to go, the food we wouldn’t be able to eat, and the grand-nephews and nieces she wouldn’t get to hold.
Kathy asked me, “what about all the things you did get to do with your aunt?”
I shared with Kathy how every time I experienced a breakup my aunt would make me a bowl of pho and make time to reassure me that everything would be okay, how every time I thought I was working too hard and not having fun she would invite me to play cards with her, and how when I told my family I didn’t want to be a doctor and my family disapproved she supported me.
Tears sweep over my face with each story I was telling Kathy, but so did the biggest smile I had in a long time.
“You’re so lucky to have the known your aunt. Think about all the people who don’t have someone like that in their life,” Kathy said.
After that dinner, every time I thought about my aunt it would be about the memories I was grateful to have shared with her instead of the ones we wouldn’t get to have.
Kathy helped me understand that the difference between feeling happy and feeling unhappy was the difference between viewing the world in terms of what you do/did have instead of what I don’t/didn’t have.
This single lesson not only helped me come to terms with my aunt’s death but also taught me to frame potential negatives in my life into positives.
Each time my flight is delayed (and it seems to happen a lot), instead of viewing it as missing four hours of my vacation, I think about lucky I am to even have an opportunity to travel.
Each time, I forget my subway card and choose to walk back to my house to get it, I think how lucky I am to even have a subway near my house.
Years later, I found that Kathy’s lesson wasn’t just coincident but had been scientifically proven.
The Science and Data Support Kathy’s Lesson
Psychologists at the University of Northampton studied how people adapt to grief after exceptional experiences such as death of a loved one.
While this study had a small sample size and found no single factor can help overcome grief, they found having a lens of appreciating what you have/had instead of what you don’t helped one subject, “gratitude in feeling blessed to have had the time [subject] did with [loved one] as well as the overall change in his perspective, which was found to be transformative.”
The above finding about gratitude and happiness isn’t limited to just overcoming a personal loss, but can also increase our overall happiness when dealing with every day troubles.
In one study conducted at the University of California at Davis and the University of Miami, participants were randomly assigned into one of three groups and asked to keep a weekly journal.
The first group (the gratitude group) was asked to list five things they were grateful for that had occurred in the past week; the second group (the irked group) recorded five experiences that irked them from the previous week; and the third group (the control) was asked to list five events that affected them the previous week with no focus on the positive or on the negative.
When the study concluded ten weeks later, participants in the gratitude group reported feeling 25% happier and just better in general than the irked group.
How to Let This Habit Change Your Life
Though I have shared with you a practice that has changed my life and the science behind it, this habit will only change your life if you actively let it. And this is easy.
In your everyday life, you will encounter inconveniences and hassles—forgetting your keys at home, being stuck in traffic, or spilling wine on yourself. Each time this happens, simply pause and instead of focusing on the negative outcome, remind yourself of the more positive larger picture—you have a home to come back to, you have time to reflect on your day, and you have access to dry-cleaning.
Over time by focusing on the positives of an event, you will maximize your outward happiness and minimize inner suffering.
Happy man jumping image via Shutterstock
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The Magic of Momentum: A Simple Path to Achieving Any Goal
“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” ~Confucius
What stops so many people from changing their lives is a lack of momentum. They feel daunted by the sheer size of the task ahead and so revert back to inertia. It’s so much easier to just trudge along and hope that one day it gets better.
I used to get up at 5.30 in the morning every Tuesday to attend a business networking breakfast. It was a severe shock to the system at first, and as I drove to the hotel where the event was held, I thought to myself, “What am I doing on this motorway so early?”
This was quickly followed by the question “What are all those other people doing on this motorway, and where are they going?” I did this for over three years.
Don’t get me wrong, I did get business from attending this group. Not great business, but business nonetheless.
I actually ended up running this networking group, and that’s when the trouble started. I reasoned that in order for everyone to get more business, we should grow the group. Instantly, splinter groups formed and started lobbying to get me removed as director.
I got upset at first, as I was acting in what I thought was the interests of the group, but they just wanted a cozy boys club with a few token females and weren’t interested in ramping things up.
My partner suggested instead of getting up at 5.30 in the morning to get stabbed in the back by a load of schoolchildren, I get up at the same time and compose music in my garage studio. So I took her advice and quit the networking group the next week. It was the best thing I have ever done.
In that hour before I went to my day job, I set about composing a full blown symphony for a seventy-five-piece orchestra, followed by four other albums worth of material. All this from just one hour a week.
I had truly engaged upon my journey of a thousand miles and it began with a single step—setting aside one hour a week. So what lessons have I learnt from this experience?
1. Find just one hour a day or a week and see what you can accomplish.
It’s the discipline of finding that single hour in which to start your masterwork that makes the journey truly begin. I swapped the hour I was giving to the networking club for an hour in my studio.
Examine your week. Could you get up an hour early five days a week, or one day a week? It might be best to avoid Mondays or Fridays, but what about the other days? Is your dream important enough to give up an hour of sleep?
2. When you do something strictly, regularly, and without fail, it becomes a habit.
It was the fixing of a set time each week that would not be broken, come hell or high water. I used to sit in the garage with a fan heater on, hat, fingerless gloves, scarf, and winter coat, but I never broke that appointment with myself. I already had shown I had the discipline to do this from attending the networking group.
3. A single step if followed by another step becomes a journey of a thousand miles.
Taking the first step is one of the hardest parts, so don’t think about the end destination. If you were going to walk for a thousand miles, you would probably give up if you kept thinking, “How am I going to walk that far?”
So just think about achieving small steps. I would write just a few bars each week, and it gradually grew into a symphony. It took six months, but I got there in the end.
4. There is magic in momentum.
Once the weekly or daily routine has set in, it becomes a firm habit. Then you start to see progress and begin to feel proud of what is forming in front of your eyes.
You might be building a blog or website, and that little bit of regular effort begins to create something amazing. If you are trying to tackle a physical goal, like running a marathon, your regular discipline will, over time, lead to increased strength and endurance.
That is the magic of momentum. Once the flywheel has got over the enormous effort to begin moving, momentum takes over and the wheel begins to turn on its own using momentum. This is what you will find once the habit is engrained.
5. Don’t stop the habit once you have that magical momentum.
It might have been tempting to stop the early Tuesday morning habit when I finished my symphony so I could get some more sleep. But having seen the magic of momentum, I then plunged myself into composing new tracks for the next album, and was bashing them out at the rate of a new track each week.
Twelve weeks later another album was completed, and a month later it was in the shops. Wow! This was exciting. This was addictive.
Don’t make the mistake of pausing or losing momentum. Launch into the next project, the next book, the next album, the next painting, the next mosaic, the next marathon, the next website. Keep that morning habit.
6. Leave that magical hour for your dream.
Don’t be tempted to do administrative tasks in that golden hour. Try to make that hour as productive as possible.
If you are painting, then get your palette ready ahead of the golden hour (choose the paints and have the tubes of paint lined up).
If you are a musician, get your sound palette ready in advance (choose your drum sounds, samples, etc.).
If you are writer, have your research done and your notes written up so that you can launch into the first chapter or the next chapter.
If you’re training for a marathon, have your clothes and shoes ready so you have the full hour to run.
Equally, promoting your masterpiece should be confined to other times of the day. If you are building a website or blog, just focus on writing new content. Leave the social media promotion to another time.
7. An hour becomes much much more—just wait and see!
The clever thing about limiting yourself to one hour a week or one hour a day is that before you know it, you are doing tasks relating to that hour at other spare slots in your week. The momentum creates excitement; you see that you are making serious progress, and this spurs you on to more; at least, that how it works for me.
Go and take your first step on that thousand-mile journey!
Man at summit image via Shutterstock
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Create Lasting Habits: The 4 Psychological Triggers That Catalyze Change
“Things do not change; we change.” ~Henry David Thoreau
The world knows no joy like an evangelist with an opening. My eyes lit up as I jumped into my sermon on the incredible power of lifestyle change.
The year previous I had decided it was time to take charge of my health, and I had made some big changes.
I transitioned to a whole food diet, put plants at the center of my plate, started meditating regularly, and began attending yoga classes multiple times a week.
I was absolutely astounded at how the synergy of these three lifestyle changes completely transformed my quality of life.
So when my friends began asking me to what I owed my newfound glow, I couldn’t wait to endow them with the key to lasting health, effortless weight loss, and inner peace.
And so my lecture would begin. “It’s so simple! Just change your diet, start exercising, oh and don’t forget to meditate every day!”
Can you guess how many people I converted? Not a one. My regretful interlocutor would begin to nervously shift their weight, looking for any opportunity to end the conversation.
Finally, the realization made its way through my thick skull that everyone already knew that they should be eating right and exercising.
The last thing they wanted was to listen to someone else preach the values of diet, meditation, and exercise—what they already knew that they should be doing.
So I finally learned that knowledge isn’t enough to trigger a lifestyle change.
Despite knowing full well the value of yoga, meditation, and eating veggies, few people are able to make and sustain such changes, especially with career obligations, social engagements, and the other demands of modern life.
So I was left with a conundrum. What was it that had allowed me to make these changes? What was I missing in helping others to realize the same health benefits and increased quality of life?
I became obsessed with answering these questions, and thus a quest was born. A few months later I packed up my life and moved to Arizona to work for a holistic healing center.
I spent the next four years at the Tree of Life center in Patagonia, Arizona, where individuals are taught yoga, meditation, and a plant-based diet as a healing modality. I supported hundreds of people as they adopted the same lifestyle changes that I underwent, and the results have been powerful.
But what I was most interested in exploring was not the effects of diet, yoga, and meditation, but rather understanding what allows individuals to make and sustain these changes in their lives.
Why were some able to take these holistic health practices back into their busy everyday lives when they left the center? Why were some successful when others continued to struggle?
I devoured every book on the science of behavior change that I could get my hands on, and had the incredible opportunity of applying the principles in a real life setting.
The takeaway? Behavior change itself is a skill, and there are certain psychological triggers that we can employ to kickstart the process. Anyone can learn these triggers and cultivate the ability to make healthy changes that are sustainable and lasting.
Here are the four best ways to catalyze change:
1. Start small and celebrate success.
Healthy habits are the bedrock of lasting and sustainable health. Why? Because once established, they no longer require willpower to maintain.
But what is the best way to create a habit?
Stanford psychologist BJ Fogg has pioneered an extremely effective behavior change method that he calls Tiny Habits.
The premise? Start small and celebrate your successes.
Want to cook more plant-based meals? Start with putting a recipe book out on the counter on Sundays.
Want to start meditating? Start with just three breaths every time you sit down at the computer.
These tiny actions may seem insignificant, but by starting small we remove the biggest barrier to change—simply getting started.
Engineering (and celebrating) early success is key in reinforcing the creation of new habits and also motivates us to make bigger changes in the future.
Tiny habits transform into big habits, which cascade into big life changes.
2. Understand the motivation myth.
The key to changing behavior is motivation, right? We need to be motivated to cook healthy food, to go to the gym, to wake up early and study.
Not exactly.
Motivation naturally waxes and wanes, and psychologists have found that trying to change how motivated you are at any given moment is hard. Really hard.
The better bet is to use times of high motivation strategically.
Everyone has periods of peak productivity, and the best way to leverage these times of high motivation is to do something that helps structure future behavior.
Next time you find yourself having a super productive day, use that motivation to sign up for a weekly yoga class, invite an interested friend over to explore healthy cooking every Sunday, or plan a plant-based potluck.
These are all examples of setting up future events that will help keep you on track. Using your existing motivation to create accountability and social support increases follow through.
3. Get laser focused on one big win.
The archnemesis of healthy change is a pernicious little devil called overwhelm.
Take getting healthy for example: There are thousands of different dietary theories, conflicting health information, and more exercise programs than I can count.
Should you be fasting one day a week? Eating a low-carb or low-fat diet? Doing yoga? Jumpstarting yourself with a cleanse? Doing three hours of cardio weekly? Eating plant-based meals? Weight training?
The options are endless and analysis paralysis can easily set in.
Focusing on one big win is about identifying what is going to give you the greatest result for the least amount of effort.
For weight loss, a great “big win” is to focus on meals that are low in caloric density, i.e. plant-powered dishes which include a wide range of veggies, beans, grains, and greens.
You can eat as much of these nourishing, delicious, hearty foods as you like and make sustainable progress toward your goal weight.
Whatever your goal, find what gives you the biggest bang for your buck and ruthlessly cut back everything else.
Simplicity empowers change.
4. Learn one thing at a time.
In their book Switch: How To Change Things When Change Is Hard, authors Chip and Dan Heath share some surprising truths about change.
For me, the most interesting revelation is as follows: What looks like resistance is actually a lack of clarity.
When taking up healthy habits, there is almost always a learning curve.
We might go the gym, but we don’t really know how to work out.
We want to cook healthier meals, but the recipe is full of exotic ingredients we’ve never heard of before.
And we most often resist making these changes not because we are unmotivated, but because we don’t see a clear path forward. We don’t know the exact steps to take to begin eating better, exercising, or sitting down to meditate.
The best way to reduce the resistance and get started? Break down the task in front of you into baby steps and learn one thing at a time.
If you are interested in cooking healthier meals, first learn how to shop. Add a new-to-you ingredient to your list every time you go to the store.
Once shopping is a breeze, then devote time to learning to cook up a few quick, easy, and delectable healthy recipes.
Breaking down the learning curve into easy, manageable steps is one of the best ways to catalyze change.
The most important takeaway here is the understanding that behavior change is a skill that can be learned and cultivated.
There is no secret source of motivation, willpower, or discipline that some have and others don’t. Apply these psychological triggers and you’ll be well on your way to creating healthy habits that are sustainable and lasting.
Man with arms raised image via Shutterstock
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A Simple, Tiny Exercise to Help You Make a Big Change
“Change is inevitable. Growth is intentional.” ~Glenda Cloud
Growing up, I never had that many friends. The concept of best friends is still foreign to me. For the first seventeen years of my life, I found myself happier alone than in the presence of other people.
I wanted to join them; I just didn’t know how.
In order to protect myself from people I’d rather not mention, I decided to join a karate class. For the first time I belonged to a group that was slowly starting to accept me.
In the months that followed, I began to go out with them. It was awkward at first (and didn’t seem to get any easier). I had several short nervous breakdowns out of pure frustration. I would often get home feeling like a truck had run over me.
What annoyed me the most was that even though I would hang out with friends, I couldn’t express myself. I couldn’t think of anything to say and even when something came up, I just said it to myself.
I knew that wasn’t me.
I was the loudest guy on the block in my neighborhood. I never ran out of things to say. I didn’t feel any pressure whatsoever. However, in this new group (or any new groups for that matter), I simply shut down.
One night we were out at a bar. It was karaoke night but nobody volunteered to sing, so we sat at a table to chitchat.
I found myself sweating and shivering for no reason. I couldn’t keep eye contact with anyone. Opening my mouth was out of the question. I got home feeling like my head was collapsing in on itself.
That night, I literally interviewed everybody I could find online trying to figure out “how normal people think.”
I picked a bunch of random friends on messenger and asked them something along the lines of, “What do you think of when you are alone and there’s nothing else to do? Do you think of practical matters or just imagine random stuff?”
I forgot most of the answers I received—all but one.
My Kyokushin instructor, someone I looked up to and still do, answered, “I think of how to grow the club, of how I can spread Kyokushin karate.” A couple years later, this man became the chief of the Romanian branch of the World All Kyokushin Karate Union.
The next day, my friends were whispering behind my back.
I heard my instructor saying to a colleague something along the lines of, “Take it easy on him. I think he had a mental breakdown.”
He was right. I tried to pretend like I didn’t notice, but he was right.
The only bright side to these breakdowns was that after each one, I became a little bit stronger. I gained more self-control. I became accustomed to the situations that caused them.
After a while, they stopped happening. It was still a pain to talk sometimes, but nothing serious. After too much socializing I felt the need to be alone, but even that started to fade away.
The awkward feeling in my gut and the excessive self-consciousness popped up less and less often.
I still couldn’t find anything to say, but it wasn’t because of feeling awkward. It was simply due to my lack of experience in the art of chitchatting.
These days the negative feelings related to socializing are pretty much gone, and whenever they resurface I just brush them aside.
I can’t say I’m an expert conversationalist. I’m a long way from that but I can say whatever I want, whenever I want.
I can laugh out loud for the whole world to hear. I can speak my mind in the middle of a bus full of people and watch them stare at me. I can look someone straight in the eyes. I can instruct a class of kids in the art of Kyokushin Karate.
And these days, even though I need my alone time, I also need my social time. If a couple days go by without talking to people, I lose focus and energy. I feel the need for connection.
I changed because:
- I wanted to change.
- I changed my environment. (I joined a group which encouraged me to be outgoing.)
- I took the time.
I used to be so shy that my head would literally shake like a leaf when trying to speak to strangers. I had to take a thinking pose so I could support my head with one of my hands and make it less obvious.
It’s been months since I last had to take a thinking pose (though these days I just do it out of habit).
The personalities we form in our childhoods have a lot to do with the environment we grow up in.
We end up shy or outgoing, strong or weak, a leader or a follower. This is not who we are. This is what our environment shaped us into.
But that can be changed.
You can choose who you want to be and then grow into that person.
Decide right now who you want to be in five years. Then grab a piece of paper and write it down in as much detail as possible.
What traits do you want “future you” to have? Write it down.
How will future you make a living? Write it down.
What contribution will you bring to the world? Write it down.
Once finished, grab one more piece of paper and write your future self’s first trait on top of it.
Bellow, write down twenty ideas on how to get there. Do the same thing with all the other traits.
After a while, you might notice you’ve written the same idea for multiple traits. These are the ideas you want to act on. Choose the easiest (or hardest) and do it now.
Socrates once said, “In order to reach mount Olympus make sure that every step you make is leading you in that direction.”
Each idea you come up with and act upon will bring you one step closer to your goal, and eventually, you will reach it.
Take a few minutes to do the exercise above and make your first step, for it is up to you to choose your path.
It is up to you to move your feet—so get moving!
Photo by Danny Fowler
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5 Ways to Turn Simple Daily Tasks into Meaningful Rituals
“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~ Robert Brault
“Routine” can seem like a dirty word; we can get stuck repeating the same actions over and over again and feel like slaves to our habits.
Yet there are some things we simply cannot get around—sleeping, waking, eating, working, and engaging with others. There are also repetitions that we embrace as rituals—Friday afternoon with its promise of the weekend, weekly religious observances, a favorite TV show even.
What if we could turn regular, seemingly mundane daily activities into ritualistic celebrations instead of nagging chores?
Turning quotidian activities into rituals, or creating new daily practices, transforms the little stuff into opportunities to stop, show gratitude, and marvel at the beauties of regular life.
One of my rituals is praying. I pray on my knees every day and have been for 20 years. For me, it is a place of comfort and self-love. I love it. It’s like breathing—just happens no matter what.
1. Affirm, affirm, affirm again.
Affirmations remind us of what we value and put us on a path toward a happier, more mindful day. An affirmation is a statement about what we would like to experience, stated in a way that invites this new reality because we state it as already being true.
Studies show that repeatedly saying affirmations physically creates new pathways and connections in your brain.
Write your own affirmation to repeat to yourself at a pre-determined time each day. When writing, remember: (more…)