Tiny Buddha

Tag: growth

  • Honor Your Progress and the Path That Led You Here

    Honor Your Progress and the Path That Led You Here

    “In time and with water, everything changes.” ~Leonardo da Vinci

    This is a story about our past and progress. It’s about holding on and letting go, moving forward by moving inward, and time. And like any good story, it’s a love story in the end. I’m talking about the kind of love that eases suffering and restores peace. The love we show ourselves through patience and unconditional acceptance.

    It begins with a box in the back of my hall closet, tucked neatly beneath the snorkeling equipment and board games we always forget about. I’ve moved that box from Texas to Tennessee and back again, to California and Arizona.

    I last opened the box eleven or twelve years ago. I lived in Memphis then in a bright but lonely third-story apartment. There was a thunderstorm that day, and something about the dark afternoon and Clueless playing in the background made me nostalgic.

    I spent hours poring over old family photos and so many trinkets I’d forgotten about. An old nametag from my college dorm, programs from past performances, marching band gloves, complete with cut-out fingers. All proof that I was here.

    I’d unearthed a time capsule of cherished keepsakes mixed with hastily stored pictures of people I used to know. Good memories and bad ones greeted me, both softened and warmed with time.

    I pulled out a caricature of me and my high school boyfriend and braced myself for a punch in the stomach I always felt seeing his face. I’d vowed to wipe him from my memory. “I’ll never be that person again,” I’d promised. And here was evidence that we happened. That, too, had softened.

    It’s a bittersweet mix of pleasure and pain to revisit the past. Compartmentalization and sentimentality, like why would I want to remember this, but also why would I ever want to forget? Our lives are made of days we long to linger in along with those we’d like run from, burning the bridge and the whole city behind us if we must. Both tell the story of us.

    I’m happy to remember what I want to remember. Graduations and award ceremonies, laughing on the swings outside my apartment, sleepovers with the friends I’d grow into an adult with. I want to acknowledge the things I’m proud of, that clearly speak of my strengths.

    I’ve spent many wishes on extracting the other times from my story…the lows and illnesses, ridiculous relationships and naiveté. CTRL+X, like it never happened. Paste in something prettier.

    Opening that box and feeling my heart open just a little wider made me wonder if my past deserves more respect than that. And so much more love. I was out there trying my best and living. Even when I didn’t know where to turn or understand what I was looking at, I managed to find my way through.

    It’s interesting, too, that as much as I wanted to leave behind many aspects of my past, I’d found something worth holding on to in it. Did I know that one day I might see things differently? Maybe. Or maybe I was just as idealistic then as I am now, listening to love songs and hoping the box would keep the good times alive.

    I’ve considered taking the box out and showing it to my kids, but something’s always stopped me. Part of me wants them to hold a little slice of their family legacy, and another wants to leave it alone. Best not disrupt the balance I’ve found. I’ve grown up and moved on, but the fear about what I might unleash opening up the past remains.

    So, I suppose this is a story about trusting in our progress, too.

    I’ve made more peace than I give myself credit for. The hang-ups I thought I’d never get over and the heartbreaks I thought would haunt me forever, shoved down dark and deep, don’t hurt me in the same way. I’m not afraid of the same things anymore. It’s true, I have new fears now. But now, I also trust that they’ll change. My whole relationship with fear is different. I’m not perfect at it, but I’m a lot less judgmental of my fears and their origins.

    This is also the story about the wisdom and peace we seek. And it’s about life, legacy, and forward momentum.

    We want to move forward and grow stronger, braver, and wiser. We’re all caught in that pull between holding on and letting go.

    We can act like moving forward means bottling it all up or leaving it all behind, as if that will make us faster. Sure, we’ll outgrow things. Space will ask for clearing. We’ll bury hatchets, set dreams free, and so on. Parts of us will be reborn many times over. None of this moves us very far into that peace and wisdom we desire if done in anger, rejection, or shame, though.

    Pain becomes wisdom and life becomes legacy through respect for the path that led us here and gratitude for our progress, in whatever form it takes. And transformation happens through our daily decisions. Making amends, apologizing, setting boundaries, or just taking better care of ourselves eases suffering and brings us closer to peace when made from a place of caring.

    It’s not instantaneous, of course. And it’s okay to keep a “box.” We need a place to put those things that we don’t know what to do with or make sense of. But we also owe ourselves the honesty about what happens inside that box.

    The box isn’t magic, and hiding things doesn’t make them disappear. Yet here’s the paradox of it all: time has healing properties. It eases the intensity of old wounds through perspective. Over time, we make sense of our past and reach a new understanding of how it all fits together. The path we’ve traveled often looks clearer through the rearview mirror.

    We don’t move forward by packing everything away and never looking back. Part of the growing process is taking that box out and sorting through it. Letting some things go with compassion and holding some closer to our heart, then breathing a sigh of sweet release as the box grows lighter.

    Above all else, then, this is a story about suffering and compassion. (In the end, it’s always a love story.)

    Whether we’re holding on or letting go, love is the path through. Love may be tender, but it’s so strong. Love gives us resilience. Grit. With love comes acceptance and patience. Love breeds openness.

    Love reminds us of why we’re trying in the first place.

    It speaks to us of our courage.

    Love makes us willing to look at the parts that hurt with kindness.

    Sometimes we need to see the ugly parts to find the beauty again. Sometimes confusion is the first sign of clarity. It’s our willingness to be present with whatever arises that gives us the strength to keep going.

    Dear Traveler, we all have a box of one kind or another. What’s the story that yours tells? What form has your progress taken?

    It’s eleven years later, and I’m still learning how to be more intentional about the holding on and easier about the letting go. I’m learning that I don’t need to rush so much, and I sure don’t need to try so hard to escape where I’ve been.

    I’m seeing for myself that it’s okay to let go of shame. It’s okay to hold on to the positives, too. (Even in the painful times.)

    I’m learning how to nurture the small moments of joy and appreciate the everyday things that tell my story.

    As for the pain, I’m learning to meet that with love. Fear, too. When I’m ready to face it, I face it with as open a heart as I can manage. If it burns, I ease up. When I’m not ready, I give myself permission to set it aside for a while, this time closer to the light. I promise it I’ll be back when I’m a little older and wiser.

  • Growth. A Concept. Embrace It.

    Growth. A Concept. Embrace It.

  • When It’s Hard To Be True To Yourself, Remember These 7 Things

    When It’s Hard To Be True To Yourself, Remember These 7 Things

    “Sometimes when you’re in a dark place, you think you’ve been buried, but you’ve actually been planted.” ~Christine Caine

    The phrase “personal growth” has always felt counterintuitive to me. Personal growth feels less like growth and more like stripping away—of peeling back the expectations, fears, and shame that we’ve been conditioned with since birth. Beneath these layers lies our truest nature—our inner divinity—our most aligned selves. I view my work on this Earth as getting as close to that aligned self as I can.

    Despite the barrage of positive affirmations and uplifting memes encouraging us to “live our truth,” learning to live in alignment can be deeply uncomfortable. Hundreds of requisite growing pains accompany the process. We shed skins that no longer serve us, which at first leaves us raw and exposed.

    Over the years, I’ve worked to break addictive patterns and speak my truth against enormous inner resistance. When I began to live in alignment, I experienced seismic discomforts. This new territory was entirely uncharted, and with it came bouts of newfound anxiety, fear, and hyper-sensitivity.

    I worried that these unpleasant emotions were signs of “doing it wrong.” Of course, judging my reactions only exacerbated my discomfort—which eventually passed, on its own, in time.

    At first, living in alignment is tough. It gets harder before it gets easier. Here are eight reminders to help you trust your gut and keep going.

    1. It’s normal to break up with partners, friends, and acquaintances.

    Living in alignment looks different for everyone. For me, it largely meant quitting drinking, changing careers, and setting firmer boundaries around my time, space, and body. The first thing I noticed was how many of my relationships—relationships that fit like puzzle pieces with the old me—now felt inauthentic, empty, or downright wrong.

    One of the most important parts of my journey was leaving relationships that no longer served me. This meant  “breaking up” with four to five friends over the course of a few months, a process that left me feeling guilty and lonesome at first.

    The flipside? Now, relationships formed on the basis of people-pleasing, codependency, obligation, and guilt are not a part of my life. These “breakups” leave room for authentic, nourishing, reciprocal relationships to blossom. Be patient as they form.

    2. It’s normal to feel a boatload of guilt.

    For me, living in alignment meant giving up old people-pleasing behaviors. Suddenly, I wasn’t the person who others could count on to go along with the flow. I spoke up. I set boundaries. I stayed in when I wanted to stay in, cancelled plans when I needed to, and set non-negotiable expectations for my relationships.

    In other words, I no longer prioritized other people’s comfort over my own feelings.

    If you’re not used to putting your own needs first, doing so can spark an avalanche of guilt. You might feel unforgivably selfish. You might wonder if you’re a bad friend/mother/colleague/[insert role here].

    Guilt in the early stage of living in alignment is totally normal. Understanding this helps you to notice and accept the guilt instead of reacting to it. Talk through it with trusted friends, a coach, or a therapist. Learn what it feels like in your body. Write about it in your journal. Over time, meeting your own needs will feel second-nature.

    3. It’s normal to feel hyper-sensitive and/or need more solitude.

    Giving credence to my feelings, emotions, and needs was like breaking a dam. Once they started flooding, they keptflooding. And flooding. And flooding.

    By honoring my anger, I began to realize how painful certain relationships felt. By honoring my need for time and space, I began to realize how energetically draining some environments were. By honoring the ebbs and flows of my body, I began to notice when I needed more sleep or a change to my diet.

    As a result of these sensitivities, I needed more time to myself, more naps, fewer plans, and more space to process my emotions via journaling and meditation. At first, this baffled me. I thought living in alignment with my inner self would make me feel more resilient…. not less!

    Keep in mind that what feels like “hyper-sensitivity” may just be “sensitivity,” and it is a completely normal reaction. You are giving your feelings and needs space to surface, maybe for the first time ever. You might be surprised by how many feelings you have—or by how forcefully they arise—when they’re no longer under lock and key.

    4. It’s normal to freak out after setting a boundary or speaking a difficult truth.

    Once, shortly after I’d made the decision to quit drinking, a housemate of mine made a rude, taunting comment about my sobriety. Instead of brushing it off, I turned to him and said forcefully, “That was really inappropriate. I don’t appreciate it.”

    I had never stood up for myself so confidently. I went upstairs to my bedroom with a grin, feeling righteous and strong. Five minutes later found me hunched over in a sobbing fit. Everything in my body screamed, “You are mean! You’re an *sshole! Take it back!”

    In a frenzy, I ran down the stairs, threw open my housemate’s bedroom door, and gasped “I’m-so-sorry-I-said-that-I-got-out-of-hand-Please-forgive-me.” He accepted my apology, bewildered, and thirty minutes later, back in my bedroom, I threw up my hands in frustration.

    Yes, I redacted an appropriate boundary. Yes, I confused the hell out of my housemate. And yes —it was progress.Baby steps, baby.

    It’s totally normal to freak out after setting a boundary. If you grew up in an environment where you were punished or neglected when you expressed your true feelings, learning the art of honest expression is a radical act. In adulthood, your heart, mind, and nervous system is learning how to process, hold, and express difficult emotions. Fear may accompany this process,  especially fear of retaliation or fear of abandonment.

    Remember: the simple act of setting a boundary may feel like an enormous emotional upheaval. You’ve just done some serious emotional work. After setting a challenging boundary, hold yourself with compassion in those moments and give yourself permission to rest and recuperate. With time, your muscle of authentic expression will strengthen.

    5. It’s normal to experience previously unaddressed trauma.

    When I lived out of alignment, I drank too much, slept around, and chased the reckless highs of my compulsions. In hindsight, it’s easy to understand that, because my reality was so painful, I used any means possible to escape it. Unfortunately, when I began to live in alignment, I realized that the means I had used to numb my pain were painful, too.

    My body and heart carried the scars of my compulsions gone awry. Living in alignment meant giving those buried pains and traumas voice. I was bewildered when my healing journey became home to unexpected triggers, panic attacks, and hypersensitivities. At first, I felt more broken than I’d felt before.

    Little did I know that part of healing it was feeling it in the first place—something I’d never let myself do. As they say: it gets dark before the dawn.

    Especially if you find yourself experiencing previously unaddressed trauma, seek support from your partner, friends, or a therapist. Letting your trauma surface and heal allows you to integrate the many parts of your story that may have been disparate and disconnected before. This is part of your journey to wholeness.

    6. It’s normal to get angry AF.

    For years, I shrunk myself for the sake of others’ comfort. I hid my voice. I settled for less. I participated in imbalanced relationships. I stomached unkindness.

    When I began to live in alignment, I started to see with new eyes all the s%&# I’d settled for over the years. I became resentful and enraged. I felt white-hot anger toward the individuals who had taken advantage of me.

    Like a captive animal released from her cage, I pounced with a vengeance. I vented to my friends. I shook my fist. I wrote searing poetry and wrathful songs. I let it out.

    That anger was holy. It was the righteous indignation of my innermost self coming alive. Over time, feeling it and expressing it led me to an equilibrium: I could hold my anger while also understanding the part I’d played in subjecting myself to these toxic patterns.

    Honor your anger. It will not annihilate you. The more familiar you become with your resentment, the more you can use it as a signpost to set boundaries in the future.

     7. It’s normal for your dreams to shift rapidly.

    As we strip away our conditioning and get in touch with our innermost selves, dreams that others have for us lose their glossy appeal. We may find ourselves bucking opportunities for fame, fortune, and legacy in favor of dreams that illuminate us from within. Our intrinsic desires become paramount.

    That sounds awesome—in theory. But when it happened to me, I had a major identity crisis. I had spent countless hours, thousands of dollars, and a college education following a very specific dream of a career in politics. For years, I’d told anyone who would listen that my dream job was a seat in the Senate. Without this societally sanctioned goal, who would I become?

    Especially for those of us who live out of touch with our innermost selves, we rely heavily on external roles and rewards to feel a sense of purpose and identity. As we begin to live in alignment, those external rewards begin to matter less. Sometimes, we realize we never really wanted them at all.

    It’s normal if your dreams, desires, career, or values shift rapidly. It’s normal if your work suddenly feels deflating, boring, or downright awful. It’s normal if you suddenly feel the need to quit your venture or back out on your business plan. It’s normal to cease your involvement in organizations, boards, or volunteer roles that no longer resonate with you.

    You’re not being impulsive. You’re not “wasting” anything. You’re not crazy. You are adjusting your external world to align with your newfound inner world — and that is an act of self-love and self-respect.

    —

    Despite my work as a life coach and my proclivity for collecting self-help books, the best piece of advice I’ve ever gotten is, simply: You’re right where you’re supposed to be.

    So often, we get in our own way by judging our (very valid) reactions to unfamiliar circumstances. In a culture that lauds the shiny, happy, green-smoothie version of personal growth, we forget that self-care can be fearful, anxious, and downright painful.

    Keep going. That fear, anxiety, and pain is all part of your process. Hold it with compassion and watch who you become when you reach the other side.

  • The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth

    The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth

    “You only see in others what you have in yourself.” ~Annette Noontil

    I now recognize, after observing painful patterns repeat many times, how things that trigger me are just lessons I need to learn that are often delivered through other people. The more painful the experience, the more I can see (in retrospect) I learned from it.

    Every now and then, when I find myself getting sucked into thoughts about the rightness or wrongness of a situation and how much pain it’s causing me, I take a step backward. I can see that people are just the mechanism to my growth, and painful experiences are just big Wrong Way signs redirecting me to my best life.

    In his book Scattered Minds, Dr. Gabor Maté wrote, “It is well recognized now that people will form relationships with others exactly at the same level of psychological development and self-acceptance as their own… What we might call the law of equal development holds true even if the people themselves buy into the mythology that one of them is more emotionally mature than the other.”

    I love this insight from Dr Maté, especially when he goes on to give a typical example of a married couple with one spouse that appears to be functioning in the world more successfully than the other. When the relationship is examined more closely it can usually be seen that both people have a lot of maturing to do in order to be able to function healthily as individuals rather than in a codependent state.

    It’s no coincidence that we form relationships with people who trigger us. We are drawn to people who are, in some way, a match to our own issues, and they both challenge us and help us heal and grow.

    As a homeopathic practitioner recently observed, about two differing constitutions often drawn to one another: “One is in their head and has to learn to connect from their heart, the other is in their heart and has to learn to connect from their head.”

    But all this holds true whether it’s an intimate relationship or a more distant one; if someone triggers you (positively or negatively) they have something to teach. Michael Kerr puts it simply as “People gravitate toward their emotional mirror images.”

    “People tend to sort themselves out by levels of emotional development for many purposes, not just marriage, “ writes Stanley Greenspan, “because those functioning at different levels are practically speaking different languages…. People widely separated developmentally in fact have very little to talk about.”

    It can be tough to look at people I have, at one time, literally despised and consider that we were emotional mirror images—for example, a jealous colleague who went out of her way to discredit me on a number of occasions. This doesn’t mean that I am a bully because someone bullied me (although it could mean that for someone else); it means that we both had an equal emotional stake in the same interaction.

    In retrospect, I can see that my former colleague triggered pain from my childhood relationship with my mother.

    My colleague’s modus operandi was an unfiltered lashing out at anything that stood in her way. Her unprofessional conduct went unchecked and unmanaged because she had been promoted for the short-term results she’d achieved.

    Her behavior reflected the unfiltered (tongue) lashing I often received from my mum when she was feeling highly anxious.

    As a child, I learned to stay out of trouble by anticipating her emotions and striving for perfection in my behavior so that I received no criticism (which was usually unfounded and always delivered in a way that felt crushing and unfair).

    Not that I was ever passive, but when I wanted something I would go after it from a point of defense, justifying myself rationally rather than having healthy boundaries around my own needs and desires.

    To be criticized publicly by a colleague was, therefore, not something that felt safe to me. My attempts at repairing the relationship privately were unsuccessful, and it was not until I stood up in a meeting and told her pointedly that I would not allow her (nor anyone else) to bully me that I garnered her respect.

    This experience allowed me to see how much hurt I’d been harboring from my childhood, and to put energy into healing that old wound rather than perpetuating any more situations that echoed it.

    With the benefit of hindsight and my own years of parenting, I can now see I wasn’t responsible for my mum’s anxiety; rather it was an amplification of her own anxiety as a child in reaction to the culture and environment she grew up in, and the way her behavior was managed.

    While it’s easier for me these days to detach myself from issues that trigger me emotionally, note that I do still get triggered. That, I believe, will never change because there is no surer way to know what we do want without first experiencing what we don’t want. It is just best not to get stuck feeling sorry for ourselves.

    I’ll admit it’s sometimes hard to see a way through the emotions of the moment, especially when it relates to an ongoing situation. When I’m triggered, it’s still through other people whom I would dearly love to validate my view, just as they would no doubt love me to validate theirs, so there is a lot to work on.

    The beauty, though, is that I mostly choose to do it from a point of intrigue and willingness to learn and grow rather than feeling powerless and at the mercy of others.

    Again, note I said mostly. Old habits die hard, and there are still many times where I’ll find myself turning to confidants to rant about something. For this reason I choose to confide in people who gently prompt me back to the observer’s chair, and the broader view.

    And when similar situations keep arising, I know that life is presenting an important lesson for me. It’s not always immediately obvious what the real lesson is and how I can overcome my struggle, but experience has taught me that things become clear when they are ready to; my job is to cope as best as I can with my frustrations rather than make myself miserable.

    And since the lessons are most often delivered through others, I try not to vilify them for their part. I know that in the future I will be thanking them—even if only inwardly—for the role they played in my ongoing growth and journey through life.

    So what are you currently triggered by, and who is the focus of your frustrations? Think about past situations where you’ve felt similarly. When was the first time you can recall feeling this way? Try to see the pattern, and what it might be telling you.

    Rather than living through the pain as a helpless victim, try to see the lessons you’ve come to learn. In whatever way the lesson is being played out, the true lesson will be some version of learning to love yourself more; it always is.

    Can you imagine a world full of people who are seeking their power through self-love rather than trying to take from others? Now that is a world I’d like to live in.

  • When You Start Thinking That You’re Not Good Enough…

    When You Start Thinking That You’re Not Good Enough…

    “You are strong when you know your weaknesses. You are beautiful when you appreciate your flaws. You are wise when you learn from your mistakes.” ~Unknown

    The most annoying thing for me is to hear someone tell me, “Just stop it!” whenever I am frustrated or discouraged and looking for answers and solutions.

    When you’re anxious, and someone tells you, “Stop worrying, it will all be fine…” these words only add fuel to the fire and often make you angry. At least this is true for me.

    It reminds me of a funny video I watched about a “unique” therapeutic approach, when a therapist just tells a patient, after listening to their problems with deep emotional issues, “STOP IT!”

    “But I can’t just stop it,” the patient responds. “This issue has been within me since childhood, and my mom used to do the same.”

    But the therapist just calmly responds, “We don’t go there. Just stop it.”

    If only it were that easy to stop it: the limiting beliefs, the destructive behavior, the unwanted outcomes, the toxic relationships, etc. All people would be skinny, rich, and happy, and we’d live in the ideal word, but unfortunately, that’s not the case.

    You can’t just stop a feeling, especially one that tells you “you are not good enough.”

    No matter how hard I work on my personal growth and myself, the feelings of inadequacy and comparisons to others creep in occasionally, especially when things don’t go according to my plans. It is so easy for me to blame myself when I’m feeling frustrated.

    No matter how hard I try to push away the feeling that I’m not good enough, it doesn’t go away. In fact, it just strengthens. The more I resist that feelings, the more it persists.

    The ironic part is that my intellectual mind knows it’s not true that I’m not good enough. On a good day, I feel powerful and anchored, and I know my value. But on a bad day—when I fail at something or take things personally—I can’t seem to stop the wave of negative emotions that take me over.

    I’ve learned that I can’t just snap out of a negative feeling. I can’t just stop it. And I can’t bottle it.

    So what can you do when your inner voice tells you “you are not good enough”?

    Well, first of all, you need to acknowledge what you’re feeling. When you accept your feelings instead of trying to change them, they have less power over you, and can even serve you by encouraging your growth.

    For example, I recently attended a local speaking club where a French lady presented a speech. She spoke in English, but, as I speak French, I wanted to complement her speech in the French language.

    To my big annoyance, my mind just went blank after “Excellent travail!” (Great job!) I couldn’t think of another word. I quickly switched to English, but I felt like a failure.

    My logical mind was saying, “It’s okay, you don’t use French often, that’s why you forgot,” but my emotional mind woke up all my gremlins, who were screaming at me “You are not good enough!”

    I felt really frustrated, but that incident encouraged me to go back to my French books to refresh my memory. I enjoyed rereading Le Petit Prince, and in the end, I felt good about myself.

    It might be a simple example, but that’s how our psychology works.

    When you look your insecurity in the eyes, it often reveals an opportunity for fulfillment or improvement. Don’t deny it; listen to it. Don’t engage in the emotions it produces—the feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and shame; just listen to what it has to say.

    It doesn’t matter how many times I tell you, “You are beautiful and amazing just the way you are” (and by the way, this is absolutely true); when you look at yourself in the mirror and you don’t like what you see, you will find it hard to believe this. You inner voice might tell you, “You are not good enough as you are right now.”

    Acknowledge that voice and consider that maybe your insecurity has some constructive value; for example, maybe your inner voice is trying to encourage you to start eating healthier or working out.

    You also need to accept the fear that you’re not good enough as part of yourself. I don’t care where you are in life—how successful, loved, and fulfilled you might feel—we all focus on our flaws and imperfections from time to time. It’s called being human. We can’t always be at our best and most confident. And this is okay.

    It’s okay to occasionally feel like you are not good enough, as long as you recognize that thoughts and feelings aren’t facts and don’t dwell in that state.

    These wobbly moments are unpleasant but inevitable; you can’t avoid them.

    Give yourself permission to be imperfect, to question and doubt yourself occasionally. Without questions and doubts we wouldn’t be able to grow and develop.

    I believe through wrestling with our weaknesses we are able to get to the other side of our strengths. But we can’t just ignore our shortcomings. They’re an undeniable part of us. We have to be aware and own the good, the bad, and the ugly within us, so we are better equipped to deal with our limitations.

    So, the question is not how to eliminate the negative voice, but how to learn to deal with it in an intelligent, mature, and conscious way. Listen to it, learn from it, but don’t let it define who you are, don’t let it write your story.

    Don’t be afraid of it and don’t try to stop it; allow it to help you learn more about who you are and who you can be.

  • How to Reach Your Goal (And Why Three People Showing Up Isn’t Failure)

    How to Reach Your Goal (And Why Three People Showing Up Isn’t Failure)

    “If you believe it will work out, you’ll see opportunities. If you believe it won’t, you will see obstacles.” ~Wayne Dyer

    I’ve been part of a social meet-up group for the past few years, one that’s helped me through tricky times like quitting my job, dealing with anxiety, and having my first baby. When I first joined the group, there were three people who attended the events. (Yes, you read that correctly—three people!)

    There were lots of people in the group itself, but only three of us would regularly attend monthly events. It meant that if one of us couldn’t make the meet-up, we would have to cancel the whole thing (or it would be a rather intimate evening).

    And yet, in the last year, the monthly attendance has quadrupled. (Admittedly, that only takes us to twelve people… but that’s still a 300% increase!)

    Not bad in a year (and anyone who’s organized an event knows how hard it can be to get people to actually show up). And we’re talking twelve “regulars”—people who love the meet-ups, and who come back time and time again, enthusiastic and inspired.

    Plus, our attendance is still growing, and interest is mounting. Who knows where we’ll be in a year’s time!

    As we tested out ways to increase our numbers, I realized that the lessons I was learning could be applied to life—not just to meet-up groups. I started using them in my own life, with great benefit.

    I realized that anyone going after a goal or project could use these strategies (and most of us are going after a goal, in some form or other).

    So here are five lessons I learned about getting what you want, as taught to me by our small (but ambitious) meet-up group:

    1. Be patient; play the long game.

    When we set out to increase numbers, we didn’t get disheartened if we didn’t see results straight away. We knew the long game was the most important thing. The first meet-up had four attendees. The next one had five. Then we went down to four again. It took a year for us to get more than ten regular members, and to really notice how the group had changed.

    A year can sometimes seem like a long time when you’re pursuing a goal or dream. But the time will pass anyway! Why not spend it doing something you love or are really passionate about?

    2. Do things that scare you every now and then.

    One of the ways we increased attendance was by messaging every single member of the group—to say hi, tell them about the monthly events, and to ask if there were specific reasons why they hadn’t attended in the past.

    At first, this felt scary. Are we bothering them? Will they tell us to go away? Or will we hear something bad about the events? It’s daunting reaching out to people you don’t know, and putting yourself out there.

    And yet, more often than not, it’s the best thing we can do! Let’s face it, if the things you’re doing currently aren’t working, then you might as well change it up. Try something new. What have you got to lose?

    Pressing “send” on that email, or saying yes to that call might feel scary for a few minutes, but imagine how great it would feel if you got the thing(s) you wanted. Are a few minutes of discomfort worth it for long-term progress or growth? I’d say so.

    3. Remember that things grow exponentially (one thing leads to another).

    The best thing about taking action is the snowball effect: your action sets off another action, which sets off another. And before you know it, you’re storming ahead.

    With our group, as more members attended, we could post more photos of our events (that didn’t show the same three people hanging out!) And as more people saw our photos and started coming to events, they told friends about it and invited them too.

    It’s the same with goals or projects. You might nervously share a few of your blog posts and think nothing is happening; you’re not gaining any traction. But you never know what’s happening out in the ether. Perhaps one of your posts resonated with a local professor, who shares it with her colleagues, who share it with their friends…

    The fact is, you never know what’s going on behind the scenes. So take an action step, and then another, and let the momentum build!

    4. Ask for help.

    No one does anything worthwhile alone. There’s always a team involved.

    The three of us emailed group members, posted on our Facebook wall, and spread the word however we could. We contacted friends. We held brainstorming sessions for ideas. We sought advice from peers and local event leaders.

    The best thing about asking for help is that most people want to help. In fact, they love it! Think about the times that you’re asked for advice. Do you get annoyed by it, or does your chest puff out ever so slightly?!

    Use the resources around you. Don’t be afraid to do so—because when the tables are turned, you may well be able to help in return.

    5. Be passionate about it.

    I’ve left this one till last because it’s the most important one, in my opinion. Be passionate about what you’re doing.

    The three of us in the group really believe in what we’re doing. We love holding the events. We love the sense of community we’ve created. And we’re so passionate about what we’re doing that we work on it—willingly—in our spare time.

    If you’re working on a goal or project and not feeling passion toward it at all, why are you doing it? Are you doing it for someone else, or to look good?

    Things are so much easier when we enjoy doing them. So choose wisely. Choose things you’re passionate about. And then during the tough times or dips (which do happen) you’ll be more likely to keep going, and you’ll feel even more committed when you come out the other side.

  • We Keep Going, One Tiny Step at a Time, and We Should Be Proud

    We Keep Going, One Tiny Step at a Time, and We Should Be Proud

    “Don’t wait until you reach your goal to be proud of yourself. Be proud of every step you take.” ~Karen Salmansohn

    One of the greatest ironies of being human is that we’re often hardest on ourselves right when we should be most proud.

    Let’s say you finally find the courage to start a dream project you’ve fantasized about for as long as you can remember. You push through years of built-up fears, overcome massive internal resistance, and take the leap despite feeling like you’re jumping through a ring of fire, above a pit filled with burning acid.

    It’s one of the most terrifying things you’ve ever done. It dredges up all your deepest insecurities, triggers feelings you’d rather stuff down and ignore, and brings you face to face with the most fragile, vulnerable parts of yourself.

    The fact that you’re even willing to take this risk is huge. Monumental, really. Just getting on this long, winding path is an accomplishment worth acknowledging and celebrating. Most people avoid it. They do what they’ve always done and remain stuck in discontent, wishing they could know a life less limited.

    But you? You’re trying. You’re taking a chance at being who you could be, knowing full well there are no guarantees. You’re a f*cking rockstar. A total badass for giving this a go. But you likely don’t see it that way.

    You likely think you’re not doing enough, or doing it fast enough, or doing it well enough for it to count. You might get down on yourself for not learning more quickly, or having a perfectly honed vision and plan from the start.

    Instead of giving yourself credit for every inch you move forward, you might beat yourself up for not leaping a mile.

    Or maybe you’re not pursuing a dream for the future. Maybe you’re facing a pain from the past.

    Let’s say you’re finally leaning into your anxiety or depression instead of numbing your feelings with booze, food, or any other distraction. Perhaps you’re in therapy, even, trying to get to the root of your complex feelings and heal wounds that have festered, untended, for years.

    It’s intense, draining work that few can understand because there’s no visible representation of just how deep your pain goes. No way to fully explain how tough it is to face it. No way to show how hard you’re trying, every day, to fight a darkness that seems determined to consume you. So on top of being emotionally exhausted, you quite frequently feel alone.

    Just acknowledging the pain beneath the mental and emotional symptoms is an act of immense bravery. And allowing yourself to face it, however and whenever you can—well let’s just say they should give out medals for this kind of thing. You’re a f*cking hero. A total badass for doing the work to save yourself. But you probably don’t see it that way.

    You might think you aren’t making progress fast enough. Or you’re weak for having these struggles to begin with. Or you suck at life because sometimes you fall back into old patterns, even though on many other occasions, you don’t.

    Instead of giving yourself credit for every small win, you might beat yourself up for being a failure. As if nothing you do is good enough, and you’ll never be good enough, because you’re not perfect right now.

    Because if it’s not all happening right now—the healing, the growth, the progress—it’s easy to fear it never will. And it will be all your fault.

    If it seems like I’m speaking from personal experience, that’s because I am.

    I followed a decade of depression and bulimia with years of self-flagellation for not healing overnight and magically morphing into someone less fragile.

    I responded to childhood trauma by abusing myself for acting insecure and emotionally unstable, even when I was actively trying to learn better ways to live and cope.

    And I crucified myself for every cigarette and shot when I was trying to quit smoking and binge drinking, even though I quite frequently went long stretches of time without doing anything self-destructive.

    Through all this internal whip cracking, I consistently reinforced to myself that I was weak for not changing overnight when really I should have acknowledged I was strong for making any progress at all.

    It was like I was watching myself treading water, with broken limbs, while screaming at myself to hurry up and get stronger instead of throwing myself the rope of my own self-encouragement.

    In retrospect, this makes sense. This is how most of us learn growing up—not through validation but punishment. We far more often hear about what we’re doing wrong than what we’re doing right. So instead of supporting ourselves through our deepest struggles, we berate ourselves for even having them.

    Though I’ve made tremendous progress with this over the years, and I’m no longer in crisis, I still find myself expecting instant perfection at times.

    I’m currently pushing myself far beyond the edge of my comfort zone—so far I can’t even see it from where I’m precariously floating.

    I’m writing more here on the site after years of working through an identity crisis I’ve never publicly discussed.

    I’m trying to get funding for a feature film I wrote, with themes that are deeply personal to me, knowing the “low budget” is still no easy amount to raise, and I might fail spectacularly.

    I’m working on multiple new projects with third party companies—something I’ve avoided in the past because I’m a control freak who doesn’t easily trust others to take the reins.

    And I’m doing it all while pregnant—six and a half months to be exact—at almost forty years old. So on top of all the usual fears that accompany big risks and changes, I’m juggling your garden-variety new parent concerns, with a few geriatric-pregnancy-related worries for good measure. (Yes, geriatric. My uterus could be a grandmother!)

    I’m pushing myself into a new league, far outside my little work-from-home introvert bubble, while frequently feeling both physically and emotionally exhausted. And I’m finally giving myself the leeway to evolve after years of saying I wanted to grow but refusing to let go of my comfort to enable it. Really, I should be proud.

    Every time I take a meeting when I’d rather do only what I can accomplish myself, every time I send an email for a new opportunity when it would be easier to passively wait for whatever comes to me, every time I push myself to be the brave, fulfilled person I want to be for both myself and my son, I should throw myself an internal parade. A festival complete with a float in my own image and endless flutes of the best champagne. (I know, I’m pregnant, but it’s internal, remember? Keep the bubbly flowing!)

    But do I do this? To be fair, yes. Sometimes I do. And I’m proud of myself for that. I’ve come a long way from the self-abusive girl who only knew to motivate with intimidation and fear.

    But other times I can be pretty hard on myself. It’s like I have this vision of how this all should work, and when, and I blame myself if I can’t meet my rigid expectations on my ideal timeline.

    I don’t always step back and see the big picture: That there are many external factors I can’t control, and I need to be adaptable to deal with them. That it’s hard to learn new things, and no amount of willpower or dedication can make the process instant. That some things simply take time, and this isn’t a reflection of my worth or my effort.

    I get impatient. I get frustrated. I get anxious and resistant.

    And really it all comes down to attachment. I resist this slow, uncertain process, and bully myself into making things happen more quickly, because I want these things so bad I can taste them, and I fear they may never happen at all.

    I want the freedom these new opportunities could provide. I want the fulfillment of bringing my creative vision to life. I want the things I tell myself I should have made happen years ago, and I want them now so I can focus on the joy of attainment instead of beating myself up for having “wasted time.”

    But none of this internal drama is useful or productive, and it certainly does nothing for my motivation or focus. It’s nearly impossible to create from your heart when it’s totally eclipsed by anxiety and fear.

    The only way to do anything effectively is to accept where you are, let go of the outcome, and throw yourself into the process.

    So going forward, when my mind tries to bully me into doing more than I reasonably can or shame me for my pace or my progress, I’m going to remind myself I’m doing better than I think. We all are. And we all deserve more credit than we likely give ourselves.

    We all deserve credit for facing our demons, chasing our dreams, and showing up every day when it would be easier to hide.

    We all deserve acknowledgment for every tiny step forward, no matter how slow or timid, because creating change is hard.

    We all deserve recognition for the many internal hurdles we overcome, even though they’re not visibly apparent to anyone else, because often they’re harder to tackle than even the most challenging external obstacles.

    And we all deserve the peace of knowing that who we are right now is enough. Even if we have room to grow, even if there are things we’d like to achieve, we are good enough just as we are. And it’s okay to be right where we are.

    It’s okay to be messy, inconsistent, and not always at our best. It’s okay to feel insecure, unsure, lost, confused, and scared. It’s okay to make massive advances on some days and just get by on others.

    Would it be nice if we could instantly transport ourselves to the idealized future we see in our heads? Sure. But that’s not really what it means to “live our best life”—despite what our YOLO-promoting culture would have us believe.

    Living our best life is embracing what is, while working to create what can be. It’s doing the best we can with what’s in front of us, and accepting that nothing else is guaranteed. Because this is the only moment we know for sure we have.

    I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to get to the end of my life and realize I missed most of it because I always felt it needed to be more—and that I needed to be more—to fully appreciate and enjoy what I had while I had it.

    So today, I’ve decided to be proud. Of my strength, my efforts, my progress, and the fact that I keep going. Whether I’m wounded, weary, or worried, I keep getting back up. I keep moving forward. I keep evolving. I am doing the best I can. So are you. And that’s something worth celebrating.

  • The ABCs of Personal Growth: How to Live a Meaningful, Fulfilling Life

    The ABCs of Personal Growth: How to Live a Meaningful, Fulfilling Life

    “Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.” ~Karen Kaiser Clark

    Throughout my life, I’ve moved countries, studied a foreign language, changed careers, launched a business, run a half marathon, written a book, faced agonizing loss and grief, won awards, been deeply hurt, created awesome charity campaigns, lived with huge uncertainty and pain, found love and friendships to cherish, and given birth to three miraculous humans.

    Throughout these and plenty more crazy, insane, complex, and utterly beautiful life events, I have collected treasured building blocks that help me live a life of meaning, purpose, and joy every single day.

    I want to share them with you in the hope that throughout your own daily trials and triumphs, you can use these ABCs to help you create a life you love.

    Transformation is not a switch; it’s more like a gauge.

    The beauty is that you don’t have to flip a button and practice and internalize all twenty-six letters instantaneously.

    Like learning anything, start with just one at a time.

    Once you’ve mastered it, add another.

    With consistent repetition, you’ll be fluent, and these personal growth building blocks will lay a magnificent foundation for all your life’s work.

    You are the author. You hold the pen. You get to learn and read and write your own masterpiece, chapter by chapter, line by line, letter by letter.

    You are the hero of your own story.

    So let’s get back to basics: the ABCs of personal growth.

    Acknowledge:

    Knowing your strengths, talents, and abilities is the first step to unleashing your potential and power and creating meaning and lasting transformation. We are all blessed with so many wonderful gifts, but we can’t unwrap and share them with others if we fail to acknowledge what they are. Acknowledge yours today! What are you good at? What do people come to you for help with? What experiences have you gone through, and what have you learned from them?

    Blessings:

    Blessings are all around us. If we choose to look for them, we will certainly find them. What are you grateful for? What makes you smile? What positives do you notice in your life right now? Each day, look for three things to be grateful for. These blessings multiply!

    Control:

    There are so many things in life that we have very little or no control over—what happens to us, what other people say or do. We are not the general managers of the universe. However, we have incredible control over how we choose to respond to every experience we encounter. Our control lies in our attitude and our behavior—our choices. Choose wisely.

    Discipline:

    The master key to success lies in discipline. We are surrounded by enticing temptations and obstacles that deflect us from our goals all the time. Discipline is like a muscle; the more we work on building this skill, the more we develop excellent habits that bring us closer to achieving our biggest success.

    Discipline means asking yourself: What is the very best use of my time right now? And then consistently following through. Small increments every day lead to tidal waves of success—step by step, day by day with consistent discipline and dedication.

    Encouragement:

    We are all fighting battles, and a gentle word that offers hope and support can literally save a dream.

    Are you an encourager or a critic? Do you accentuate problems or encourage solutions and creative thinking? Do you lift people up? Are you inspiring, motivating, and supportive of helping others to get further and reach higher? When we lift others up, we rise. Commit to becoming the most encouraging person you know. The world needs more cheerleaders desperately!

    Focus:

    What would you be doing with your time if you knew you had only six healthy months left to live? Focus all your time, energy, and resources on the things and people that truly matter most to you.

    Vague goals produce vague results. Blurry goals yield blurry outcomes. Take the time to get clear about where you are going and what you’d like to accomplish. Write this down. Then focus. Whatever we focus on grows. Get clear and then laser focus on your most meaningful priorities. Don’t sweat the other stuff. Keep it simple and focus on what you care most about.

    Give:

    Giving to another person and knowing our contribution has had a lasting impact creates true happiness and peace of mind. Anytime you give, you grow; every time you give, you get, whether it’s a kind word, giving charity, volunteering, or connecting to a cause that speaks to you. Your giving has the power to light up the world.

    Ask yourself each morning: How can I give of myself today? How can I show up more fully? How can I be of value and service today? How can I contribute today? What difference can I make today?

    Help:

    Think about the people you look up to, those who already are where you’d most love to be. Ask them how they did it. Reach out to the experts. Spend time with them. Learn from them. Get their help. Use the love and support of family and friends to spark your bravery and courage.

    Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Make a list of where you need a hand and a list of people who could become your greatest helpers on your journey. We’re beings of social interest. Helping is who we are. We thrive when we help.

    Give and get help wherever you can. It’s a showcase of wholehearted and vulnerable living, which makes you real. People like helping real people. We’re all just walking each other home at the end of the day. That’s what it’s all about.

    Inspiration:

    Read, learn, blog, journal, go to classes and talks and lectures that inspire you. Commit to starting and ending your day with inspiration. One minute of inspiration can ignite a passion inside of you that can alter the course of your life forever.

    Get out more, be curious, ask questions, become more open-minded. Inspiration is everywhere. Look for it. Inspiration is what charges us. When we are charged we grow. When we grow, we are happy.

    Joy:

    Choose to become joyful. Appreciate the gift of life. Each moment is precious, and fragile, and denied to many. Laugh and smile, have fun, and lighten up. If you see someone walking around without a smile, offer them one of yours.

    Not feeling like you have joy to share? What lights you up? Do you have a list that you can plug into your week?

    My joy list includes: a delicious cup of coffee, time with the people I love, a great run or workout, reading something magnificent, laughing and watching the sunset, to name but a few. I make sure to do these daily. You’d be amazed how many people love writing and sharing their joy list, but they forget to schedule and do the very things that bring them joy. Create your list and then live it—joyfully.

    Kindness:

    Imagine a world where each person is deeply and truly devoted to kindness. Let’s work on being the kindest spouse, friend, parent, manager, employee, coach, and child we can be. I truly believe that kindness is the only thing that will change and save the world. Tiny acts of kindness create ripples so far and wide, we can’t begin to comprehend just how far they can reach.

    Learn:

    I am known to be a forever student. As I complete one course, I enroll in another. My bedside table has a tower of books and I soak up learning with a desert-like thirst.

    When we learn, we open our minds and discover new possibilities. We can learn to pioneer anything! The sky is the limit. Let’s give ourselves permission to try new things, take risks, and be humble enough to learn from new leaders and teachers.

    Lessons are all around us. Failure can become our greatest teacher. Mistakes can become our greatest mentors. Make sure you spend time with people who know more than you. It’s humbling and awe-inspiring. Write a list of some of the things you’d love to learn this year. Each day, record one new thing you didn’t know before. Watch your horizons expand exponentially!

    Mindfulness Meditation:

    Slow down. Take time to breathe. Mindfulness offers incomparable value to the human spirit, psyche, and body. Dedicate a set time each day to pausing, being truly present, and listening to your soul and inner wisdom.

    The research available on the huge benefits of meditation is mind-blowing. Treat yourself and everyone you love to the gift of meditation. Even a few minutes a day has the power to awaken, elevate, transform, and enhance your life in ways you can’t begin to imagine.

    Neuroscience has evidence today that meditation literally rewires your brain and can change your thinking, habits, and negative beliefs. It’s miraculous and it’s accessible to every one of us. Try it for yourself. Start to live a mindful life of greater peace.

    Never:

    Never give up. Never do a permanent act based on a temporary feeling. Never say, “It’s impossible” when really, it’s just hard. Never listen to naysayers and non-believers. Never push aside a dream that means the world to you because of the time or effort it’s going to take to make it happen.

    If today, “Never” is all you do, it’s more than enough, it’s plenty; in fact, it’s everything.

    Optimism:

    When we are optimistic, failure is merely feedback giving us significant information; hardships are learning experiences that help us grow and build resilience for bigger things; and even the most miserable day always holds the promise that “tomorrow will be better.”

    Today, when faced with adversity, ask yourself: What would an optimist do right now? What would they try? What’s might be possible because of your optimistic outlook? What can you see that you never saw before?

    The optimist sees the sunset and knows that even the most awful days can still end beautifully. The optimist knows that a few steps backward after moving forwards is not a disaster, it’s just a cha-cha, and the optimist knows that the cup is refillable!

    Prioritize:

    Prioritize your life so that your highest value activities take preference. Enhance and refine your time management skills so that you are able to identify what tasks you need to tackle first. Say yes to your priorities and make each day count. When you live this way, there is no regret.

    Complete your highest value activity first so that it’s done. Done is better than perfect. Get the important stuff done before anything else. Always prioritize in writing. It’s not enough to merely think about what matters most to do; grab pen and paper to record and track your priorities so that you can measure and accomplish them every single day. Start today. Plan for tomorrow. Celebrate a life that’s not wasted!

    Quit:

    Originally I was going to share a long list of things to quit—like complaining, making excuses, indulging negative habits, staying in the same place when you’re itching to move, and letting fear and naysayers control your life. Then I realized it’s human nature to do some of these things from time to time. So work on these things, but quit being hard on yourself when you struggle.

    You will never be able to completely stop doing all things that are unhealthy for you, but you can always give yourself credit for trying.

    Release:

    What are you carrying right now that is too heavy? Every day, practice letting go of the things that weigh you down.

    It’s not easy to let go of regret, mistakes, anger, resentment, ego, jealousy, and comparison, but each day offers us abundant opportunity to practice. Try to catch yourself when you’re getting caught up in a story in your head so you can take a few deep breaths, center yourself, and free up your energy for the people and things that bring you peace and purpose.

    Sorry:

    We all need to learn how to apologize to those we’ve hurt, intentionally or unintentionally. And though we all deserve the same in return, we also need to learn to accept an apology we were never given. Then, we can move forward without anger. Forgiveness is a gift both to others and ourselves.

    Let’s decide today to be courageous by apologizing or offering forgiveness.

    Turning the page allows us to move on to the next chapter of the story. We can’t do this if we keep re-reading the one we’re currently stuck on.

    Thank You:

    We all want to be acknowledged for our efforts. “Thank you” is such a simple phrase, yet it means so very much.

    Recognizing what others do for us not only reminds us to be modest and humble, but it opens doors to more deeper and meaningful relationships, enhances our empathy, and improves our psychological and physical health.

    Who can you thank today? Start with one person and extend your appreciation as far and wide as you possibly can.

    Unplug:

    Unplug from technology. Switch off. Spend time with yourself, by yourself. One of the greatest discoveries of self-transformation and personal development is not only getting to know yourself, but getting to like what you find.

    Connect to all your loved ones. Look people in the eye. Listen with all of your senses. We miss out on so much when we are plugged in to devices rather than to hearts.

    Spend time in nature. How can you redesign your day so that you create time outside? Do you take regular breaks? When was your last vacation? When was the last time you admired a flower? Do yourself a favor when you have the time. Take off your shoes and go walk outside barefoot on the grass. Watch the sunset. Play with a ladybug. Stare at the clouds. Just be.

    Voice:

    Speak your truth. Wear your passion. Let people know what you care about. Let people get to know the real, beautiful, one-of-a-kind you and what you stand for.

    You have a unique voice. You have greatness within you. You have something the world needs. That’s why you are here. Use your voice to speak your goals. Use your voice to care. Use your voice to inspire. Use your voice to make positive change. Use your voice to pray. Use your voice to sing. Use your voice to laugh. Use your voice to help. Use your voice to care. Use your voice to love. Speak up.

    Work:

    Even the most brilliant, tried-and-tested life tools in the world can’t work, unless you do. There are no quick fixes or magic wand. Real transformation is a slow, gradual, and real process that requires hard work and consistent effort. With commitment and dedication to working hard, nothing can stand in your way of moving forward.

    Hard work means that we are willing to try, fall, and stand up again; we are willing to be bold; and we are willing to face ridicule and criticism. Work on your goals each day, step by step. We are designed to grow. As we work toward our dreams, with patience, comes tremendous reward. What you put in is what you get out.

    eXtra:

    Don’t be someone who just does the bare minimum required in life. Go the extra mile and do more than you did before.

    Expand your comfort zone with extra focus, extra power, extra love, and extra drive.

    The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is just that little extra. Today, where can you show up a little EXTRA?

    Yesterday:

    Leave it behind. Glance back to see how far you have come, but keep moving forward. Leave your past mistakes behind you. Yesterday just determines your starting point for today. It in no way predicts how far you can go.

    Live now, savor the present, and plan wisely for tomorrow. Don’t get stuck in what was, you don’t live there anymore. Today is a new day to set new intentions, get inspired and motivated, and start taking meaningful action toward your goals.

    Zest:

    Do you do things just because, or do you do things with fervor, zeal, passion, energy, and enthusiasm?

    Where in your life are you still fast asleep? Where are you merely snoozing or drifting aimlessly?

    Now is the time to wake up. Choose one thing to do today that makes you come alive.

    Today, you get to decide to be accountable, not helpless; you get to decide to be interested, not indifferent. You get to live your life today on fire. You get to put your whole heart into something.

    What is the first thing you’re going to do, right now, to get the momentum rolling?

    —

    Each of these building blocks can stand alone or stand together. Choosing to work on even one of these will have a powerful positive effect on your life. Whether you are the kind of person who prefers a step by step process, one letter at a time, or you love to dive in deep and work on multiple tracks, these ABCs will give you an outstanding foundation on which to build a more purposeful, happier, and fulfilling life.

  • Everyone’s Doing The Best That They Can

    Everyone’s Doing The Best That They Can

    “All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.” ~Brené Brown

    My favorite principle is this simple truth: Everyone is doing the best that they can with the resources they have. Adopting this belief has radically changed my relationship to myself and to others.

    This idea has been explored by a constellation of religious, spiritual, and wellness practitioners. As Deepak Chopra said, “People are doing the best that they can from their own level of consciousness.”

    At first, it’s a hard concept for us to swallow. In a culture that constantly urges us to do more, to be better, and to excel,  “I’m doing the best that I can” sounds like complacency—like an excuse. But what if we took a step back from our culture’s infinite growth paradigm and considered, “What if, right now, there is a limit to what I can achieve? Can I be okay with that?”

    I first stumbled across this principle a few weeks after I quit drinking in 2016. It was a challenging time for me. In the absence of alcohol, I watched my anxiety soar.

    I stayed away from bars and clubs to avoid temptation, but then felt guilty and “boring” for spending Saturday nights at home. When I met up with friends who’d previously been drinking buddies, our interactions felt stilted. I knew sobriety was the healthiest choice for me, but I couldn’t accept the way it impacted my ability to be social. I felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough.

    I spent weeks in a frustrated mind space until I stumbled across that precious idea: “I’m doing the best I can with the resources at my disposal.”

    At first, I recoiled. The high achiever in me—the climber, the pusher—scoffed at the suggestion that I was doing my best. “But other people have healthy relationships with alcohol. Other people maintain active, thriving social lives.”

    But in that moment, I realized that my negative self-talk was an exercise in futility. It never boosted my inspiration or activated me toward progress. It just sparked a shame spiral that sunk me deeper into inaction and guilt.

    So over time, I began to internalize this idea as my own. And as I did, I felt like a blanket of comfort had been draped over me. For the first time in weeks, I could sit back on my couch and watch Vampire Diaries without hating myself. It enabled me to find peace in the present moment and accept—not even accept, but celebrate—that I was doing the absolute best that I could.

    I’ve found that this principle has been easiest for me to internalize when I’ve been going through deep stuff.

    After a painful breakup last August, it took all of my energy to drag myself from bed in the morning. My intense emotions were riding shotgun, which sometimes meant canceling plans last minute, postponing work calls, or calling a friend to cry it out.

    Because I was so obviously using all of my inner resources to get through each day, it was easy for me to accept that I was doing the best that I could. Throughout those months, I gave myself total permission not to do more, not to be “better.” For that very reason, those painful months were also some of the most peaceful months of my life.

    Here’s the thing, though: We don’t have to hit rock bottom in order to show ourselves compassion.

    We don’t need to be heartbroken, shattered, or at wit’s end. Maybe we’re just having a rough day. Maybe we’re feeling anxious. See, our abilities in any given moment depend entirely on our inner resources, and our inner resources are constantly in a state of flux depending on our emotions (pain, stress, anxiety, fear), our physicality (sickness, ailments, how much sleep we got), our histories (the habits we’ve adopted, the trauma we’ve experienced, the socialization we’ve internalized), and so much more.

    When we consider everything that affects our capacity to show up as we’d like to be, we realize how narrow-minded our negative self-talk is. We also begin to understand that everyone comes from a wildly complex, diverse array of experiences, and that comparisons among us are useless.

    Consider how this idea can be applied in some more challenging situations:

    The Friend Who Is Stuck In A Cycle of Stagnancy

    This goes for anyone who complains about a monotonous cycle in their life but can’t seem to break it: the friend who hates their job but doesn’t leave it, or the friend who complains about their partner but won’t end their relationship.

    Those of us on the receiving end of our friend’s complaints may get tired of hearing the same story every day. But our advice to “just leave your job” or “just break up” will fall on deaf ears because it’s not that simple. They are doing the best that they can in that moment because their current need for familiarity and security outweighs their desire for exploration.

    They are experiencing a tension within their desires, but don’t yet have the ability to act on that tension. The limitations of their emotional (or sometimes, financial) resources make it difficult for them to move on.

    By accepting that we’re doing the best we can, we give ourselves the gift of self-acceptance and self-love. Only from this place can positive, sustainable changes to actions or behaviors be made

    The Parents Who Hurt Us When We Were Kids

    It can be especially challenging to apply this principle to those who have wounded us most deeply. But oftentimes, those are the folks most deserving of our compassion.

    Parents have a responsibility to their children, and parents who hurt, neglect, shame, or otherwise harm their children are not doing their job as parents. But sometimes, our parents can’t do their jobs well because they don’t have the resources at their disposal. And even then, they are doing the best that they can.

    More than likely, our parents didn’t learn the necessary parenting skills from their own parents. Maybe they never got therapy to heal old wounds or never developed the coping skills necessary to handle intense emotions. This principle can be very challenging, yet very healing, when applied to parents and other family members.

    The Binge Eater (Or Other Addict)

    This used to be me, and it took me years to accept that even when I was in the thick of my eating disorders, I was doing the best that I could.

    From the outside, the solution seems simple: “Put down the cake.” “Don’t have a third serving.” But for folks with addiction issues—food, alcohol, sex, drugs, you name it—the anxiety or emptiness of not engaging with the addiction can be insurmountable.

    Resisting the impulse to fill an inner void requires extensive resources, including self-love, self-empowerment, and oftentimes, a web of support from friends and family. Folks in the throes of addiction are caught in a painful cycle of indulgence, shame, and self-judgment, which makes it all the more difficult to develop the emotional resources necessary to resist the tug of the addiction.

    But by accepting that they’re doing the best they can, they give themselves the gift of self-acceptance and self-love. Only from this place can we make positive, sustainable changes to our actions or behaviors.

    It’s worth noting: Our actions have consequences, and when we harm others, we should be held accountable. But simultaneously, we can acknowledge that we are doing the best that we can, even when we “fall short” in others’ eyes. Forgiving ourselves (and others) is an emotional experience that transcends logic or justice. We can make the conscious choice not to hold ourselves to a constant standard of absolute perfection.

    Believing that we are all doing the best that we can opens our hearts to kindness and compassion. It allows us to see one another as humans, flaws and all. Next time you feel frustrated with yourself, stop to consider that maybe, just maybe, you’re doing the best that you can.

    Sit down with a piece of paper and divide it in half. On one side, write down the voices of your inner gremlins. What exactly are they saying? Are they calling you lazy, selfish, mean? On the second side, consider what inner and external factors affected your actions or decisions. Consider the emotional, physical, historical, and financial obstacles you face.

    As you review your list of obstacles in contrast with your negative self-talk, summon compassion and kindness for your inner self. If she is struggling, you can ease her burden by quieting the self-judgment and replacing those negative messages with an honest truth: That you’re doing the best you can with the resources at your disposal.

  • Growth Is Not Found in Comfort

    Growth Is Not Found in Comfort

  • Don’t Forget to Appreciate How Far You’ve Come

    Don’t Forget to Appreciate How Far You’ve Come

    “Remember how far you’ve come, not how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be.” ~Rick Warren

    We’re always talking about how we should live in the now and “be present.” We shame ourselves for looking back at the past or into the future, thinking that we shouldn’t look too far ahead or worry about what’s to come, and we shouldn’t get too caught up in events that have already happened. We want to be focused on being the best person we can be right now.

    We often forget, though, that it’s possible to look at our past with love, not ruminating in it but appreciating it. We’re often so focused on living in the present that we forget to be mindful of where we’ve been and how far we’ve come.

    You could say that I’m a bit of a productivity addict. I love doing things that are beneficial to me in some way. I love the feeling of doing something positive or productive for myself, whether it’s squeezing in that extra thirty-minute yoga practice or ten-minute meditation, or listening to podcasts or reading the news instead of watching TV. I get so caught up with being a “better version of me” that I forget to appreciate my current version.

    Last week when I was walking to work, listening to lines to practice for an audition, I felt this sense of pride.

    I had always wanted to be an actress growing up. It was my dream to be able to transform into a different character and tell a story through film or television. I wasn’t where I wanted to be in my career, but how cool was it that I was actually doing it? I was going to auditions and training with teachers and acting—something that I had dreamed of since I was a kid.

    This realization then snowballed into this moment where I looked at my life and said to myself, “Wow, I’ve done all these things and I’m living a life I’ve always wanted.”

    I began to list in my mind the things I have accomplished: I moved away from my home city, a place I hated; I’ve traveled to many different countries and even seen the pyramids; I went back to school and pursued a career in the arts; I continue to work toward making my childhood dreams come true…

    I realized that I sometimes get so caught up with my big dreams, like being a published author or working actress that I forget to recognize all the little dreams I’ve made come true!

    Even writing this I feel a bit embarrassed. A lot of the times it can feel like we’re bragging or that we don’t have a right to be proud of the things we’ve done. Maybe we have this feeling that we shouldn’t be proud of the things we’ve accomplished because we aren’t where we want to be.

    But for a daughter of a single mother who moved to Canada as a Vietnamese refugee, I’ve come far, and it’s important to recognize that.

    I recently said this out loud to my therapist, but it was different from how it felt in my mind. I had said it to myself with pride, but it didn’t really settle in how big that feeling was, to recognize my own journey and how far I’ve come.

    When I said to my therapist, I was also speaking it to my deeper self. I felt it in my soul.

    I said it to my younger self—the preteen, bullied girl who rode the train back and forth to avoid school. I said it to my early twenties, addicted self, and I said it to my current self: look at the things you’ve made happen.

    When we speak to our deeper selves and feel this connection with our past, this recognition of our journey, it can be groundbreaking. I had never felt that proud of myself, or that impressed with myself before. I cried and felt this amazing gratitude for my life, my own resilience, and most of all, myself.

    And again, it can feel so weird to go there, to try to find something to be proud of or to just be proud of where we are. So, how about we do that check-in with ourselves?

    How about we look at the past to appreciate it? How about we appreciate our own journeys? Our own resilience? How about we look at the places we’ve been, the relationships we’ve formed, the things we’ve achieved, not with regret or the longing of “if only” or “what ifs” or “I wish I was still there,” but “Wow, I did that? That’s where I used to be? That’s pretty cool.”

    We can get so caught up looking at where we should be, where we aren’t, and where others are in comparison that we forget to appreciate where we’ve been and where we’ve come from.

    This was the first time it really hit me how big this is, and how important it is to celebrate my progress. I felt like I had a true sense of perspective on life as a whole, from the triumphs to the failures, from obstacles to mistakes to perfect coincidences.

    It’s amazing that we’re all living and growing, trying to be the best we can be and moving forward every day. It’s a beautiful thing to be mindful of the present, but don’t forget to honor yourself, your past, and how far you’ve come. Odds are, it’s further than you think.

  • 7 Reasons to Abandon Your Comfort Zone and Why You’ll Never Regret It

    7 Reasons to Abandon Your Comfort Zone and Why You’ll Never Regret It

    “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” ~Jack Canfield

    Imagine with me for a second. You wake up, roll over, and blindly reach to hit your alarm to start the routine of the day. Make the same thing for breakfast. Maybe go to a new coffee place…nah. Same place. Go to work on the same route to the same job you’ve been at for years.

    After a long day of struggling through your daily responsibilities, you come home tired and slink back into the comfort of your TV and couch. Watch the same shows. Pass out. Repeat. At long last, the respite of the weekend finally comes. You go to the same bars, and hang out with the same friends, and before you know it, it’s Sunday night. Time to repeat the whole process over again.

    Somehow down the road, you begin to feel like everything turned into too much of a routine. Nothing new happens anymore, and you can’t even remember the last time you really grew or progressed at something new—the last time you felt that burning sensation in your heart, that incomparable feeling of venturing into something new and scary.

    That was me.

    When I was a kid, I remember having this recurring nightmare. I was in prison, and my prison job was making license plates. That was my job for the rest of my life.

    I had to find every combination of letters and numbers, and if I ever made a mistake, I would have to start over. There was no goal. There was no challenge. Just repetition and routine. (There were a lot more intricate details, but I’ll probably just give myself anxiety trying to recall them).

    Anyway, I would wake up in a pool of sweat every night, wake my mom up, and tell her I was having the license plate dream again. She would just look at me like I was crazy; I don’t think I was very good at explaining why it freaked me out so much.

    I don’t think I knew why it freaked me out so much.

    Fast-forward a couple decades. I fell into a rut after a long period of falling into the same routines, day after day. Same jobs, long commute, long days, same weekends. It wasn’t even that I disliked my jobs—I worked in the music events and festivals industry. But my life had turned into such a routine, without challenges, without fear—just the same jobs, the same bars, the same everything, day after day.

    I woke up one day with a thought that scared the hello out of me—when did it all end? I didn’t even know what goal I was working toward. The license plate nightmare had manifested itself into real life.

    Dear God.

    That day, I quit both of my jobs and bought a one-way ticket to Southeast Asia. On this trip, I went through just as many cliché life realizations as the next traveler, but one stuck out far more than any other.

    The safety of my comfort zone was what was holding my growth and happiness back.

    I realized how crazy comfort—one of the biggest roadblocks to our growth—is something our bodies crave the most. However uncomfortable and unnatural it may feel to jump out of our safe zone, the benefits outweigh the initial discomfort drastically. It’s just hard to see the other side sometimes.

    Although the individual acts of leaving that safe space might vary from person to person—whether it’s quitting your dead-end job, traveling to a foreign place, finally talking to that person you’ve been too shy to engage, or simply diversifying your daily routine—I’m going to tell you some concrete reasons why leaving your comfort zone is so important for every person, and why you won’t regret it once you do.

    1. All development comes from outside your comfort zone, especially from failure.

    “We are all failures – at least the best of us are.” ~J.M. Barrie

    Let’s start with the basics. People tend to forget that struggle and discomfort are where all growth happens. Remember when you were a kid, and every single day was a challenge at something new? Your parents forced you to try scary new things you didn’t want to do, and either you succeeded or failed—and either way you were growing the entire time.

    Somewhere along the line, your parents stopped forcing you to do things, and your responsibilities added another layer of chaos into your life, forcing you to retreat into a comfortable routine to achieve a form of stability. In that process, many people start daring less to take a step outside of their comfort zone.

    Subconsciously, we attribute “learning” as a phase that only happens when we’re kids. That’s ridiculous. The learning process never ends, and there is always opportunity to grow, no matter what age you are or situation you’re in.

    We don’t like to try new things because we fear failure, but we need to understand that failure isn’t the end of the road, it’s the beginning. We learn and gain more from failure than we do from succeeding—and way more than if we never took the chance in the first place.

    Whether you succeed or fail at whatever you’re doing, it’ll be a hundred times more valuable to your growth than if you never took the chance in the first place.

    Whether it’s the soreness of your muscles after a long workout, the exhaustion of staying up all night chasing a goal, the fear of venturing into the unknown, or the feeling of failure, one old cliché always remains true: no pain no gain.

    Either you succeed and you grow or you fail and you grow, but trying anything is better than doing nothing.

    2. You’ll discover passions you never knew existed before.

    People often look for new hobbies that’ll fill their life with passion, but many are not only afraid to try new things, they don’t know where to look. They trudge through their daily routine, hoping something new will pop out of nowhere and save them from the repetition.

    Hey, sorry to break it to you, but it’s not going to happen. Nothing’s going to fall in your lap. You have to go find it.

    Not only will leaving your comfort zone help you take a crack at the things you’ve always wanted to do, but you’ll discover other things you never even knew you might’ve liked before.

    When I decided to quit my jobs and go on this trip to Southeast Asia, at one of my darker and lonelier moments (don’t ask), I found myself needing to write something, just to get some emotions off my chest. Little did I know I had just discovered my passion for writing.

    I started writing article after article, and decided to design a website to share them on. I started taking more and more pictures to combine with these articles, which even led to editing travel videos together.

    That’s four things, if you didn’t count. Four things I had never knew I had interest in before. All these newfound hobbies were borne from one thing that I discovered just moments after I left the comfort of my home.

    No matter how much you want to believe it, waiting around for something won’t get you anywhere, but the second you leave your comfort zone, you’d be surprised at how things just start falling into place.

    3. You’ll become more open-minded and understanding, making you appear wiser and more intelligent.

    Life is full of completely different and unique people, but when we get stuck in the same routine, we tend to gravitate toward people that are similar to us. When this is the only interaction in our lives, it leads us to become close-minded and cuts us off from the reality of the differences that exist between people.

    When you’re surrounded by the same people, who share the same opinions about everything, you gain a confirmation bias, and you start to think that a certain way of thinking is how all people think, or how all people should think. (Need an example? Go look at any political party ever.)

    Leaving the comfort of being surrounded by the people you are accustomed to will introduce you to different ways of thinking, which will not only lead to a better understanding of our differences, but an appreciation for them.

    This can be a whole different kind of uncomfortable, but the next time someone that has an opinion you disagree with, instead of immediately trying to convince them your side of the argument, try to understand why they came about that thinking in the first place.

    We all gather our opinions from a rich web of experiences and thousands of variables, yet sometimes we tend to think of other people’s opinions in black and white. Everyone has a reason for why they think the way they do, many of which are a lot deeper under the surface than you might be able to initially see.

    Opening your mind to other people’s cultural views and understanding what their ideologies are based out of (as opposed to just trying to confirm your already established beliefs) is the first step to gaining wisdom that applies to all people, rather than just the social group you’ve become accustomed to.

    4. You’ll gain clarity once you ditch mindless comfort-zone distractions.

    When we continue our routines and watch the same shows, go to the same places, or look at the same apps, we tend to turn our brains off and just follow muscle memory without even noticing. These routines make us feel comfortable and often put our minds to sleep.

    You’d be surprised at how much clearer your mind works once you simply turn your phone and TV off and go explore something new. Your brain will actually start going to work without you even trying.

    Something easy you can do today: Turn your phone off.

    Something harder you can aim for in the future: Turn your phone off for longer.

    5. You’ll become a more confident and sociable person.

    Talking to strangers is often an anxiety-provoking activity for people. We’re constantly fearing we’ll get judged or that we’ll say the wrong thing to the wrong person. First off, let me tell you, everyone feels the same way. That thought alone helped me become a more sociable person without worrying about the consequences of a “failed conversation” (sounds stupid when I put it like that, huh?).

    Interacting in situations with people you usually wouldn’t interact with is a great way to get out of your comfort zone. Go compliment someone you don’t know. What’s the worst that can happen?

    In a more non-direct approach, forget about other people for a second. When you spend your time trying new activities and experiencing things you haven’t done before, through the power of leaving your comfort zone, confidence eventually comes whether you were looking for it or not.

    The very act of being bold enough to try something you haven’t done before will raise your confidence on its own, and that in turn naturally minimizes the fear of interacting with people you don’t know.

    Confidence and social skills will be a byproduct of your breaking of the ordinary. Which leads to the next point…

    6. You’ll become a better storyteller without even trying.

    “No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.” !Chris Hardwick

    Just as confidence and social skills come naturally when outside of your comfort zone, so will the stories. When you make a conscious attempt to leave your comfort zone, you’ll be surprised at how weird, crazy, and awesome things tend to happen more to you more.

    You’ll start amassing an inventory of interesting stories without even trying. All of your failures and successes somehow start to become more of a narrative, rather than a repetitive list of chores.

    Make your life a story that people would want to watch a movie about.

    7. You’ll discover entire worlds you never knew existed before and the communities that go along with them.

    Lastly, you’ll discover tons of different groups and cultures that will amaze you.

    Think about one thing you like to do. For instance, we’ll say you enjoy golf. Think about all the tiny intricacies, tactics, and elements of golf that make you love it so much, whether it’s the careful studying of equipment, the complexity of your body motion, the perfecting of a craft, or just the peace of enjoying a beautiful day. On top of that, think of the entire golfing community that you connect with because of a shared love of an activity.

    Now think about the fact that these passions and communities exist for an infinite amount of activities out there. Foodies for every kind of food. Music lovers of every genre. Fans of every sport. Professionals of every craft. Thousands of different cultures and communities that you have never experienced exist out there—all filled with people that possess as much love and passion for their craft as you do.

    Discovering and sharing new passions with people is one of the greatest joys in this world.

    The possibilities are endless. Go find some new worlds today.

    —

    Feeling like there is no end in sight can be one of the most suffocating feelings in the world. I know from experience that deep, sinking feeling you get in your chest when you realize your life has become too predictable—when nothing new happens, when you feel like you’ve stopped growing as a person.

    The good news is it’s completely in your power to take control of your life and experience what’s out there, and turn that suffocation into freedom, curiosity, and excitement.

    “The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.” ~Chauncey Depew

    Taking the first step is always the hardest, but I can guarantee you that once you do it, the only thought you’ll have in your head is “Why didn’t I do this earlier?” Every second you spend in this world is precious, and you shouldn’t waste a single second of it wondering if you should have done something. Life is waiting for you to take the reigns.

    Imagine with me again. You wake up five minutes before your alarm, with a head buzzing full of ideas, ready to conquer the day. You go to work with a clear mind, with new goals formulating in your head at what seems like every minute of the day.

    Before you know it, the workday has gone by in a snap, and you race home to start progressing to your next goal, or to write your next idea down, or to plan your next big getaway. Life has become exciting and full of wonder once again.

    No more license plates.

  • Failing Doesn’t Make You a Failure (and You Can Still Succeed)

    Failing Doesn’t Make You a Failure (and You Can Still Succeed)

    “Remember that failure is an event, not a person.” ~Zig Ziglar

    Take a second and imagine little you. running around like the little ragamuffin you were. Imagine as far back as you can—back when you were first able to comprehend feedback from parents, teachers, or whatever other authorities were around.

    When considering the cause of low self-esteem, the most obvious answers fall under the umbrella of past abuses or failures: a parent who demanded straight A’s, an abusive spouse, etc. These are common forms of mistreatment that cause some people’s self-esteem to tank.

    But for those who’ve lived fairly easy lives, while surrounded by reasonably supportive people, low self-esteem has no obvious root (I talked about my own experience with this here.) What’s worse is that having an issue we don’t understand can make us feel weak or defective because the problem seemingly has no cause.

    So if you’ve suffered with low self-esteem, even if just occasionally or in certain situations, research is now pointing us in an interesting direction. There’s a surprising link that can help us out, and it has everything to do with effort.

    How Low Self-Esteem Takes Shape

    Are you one of those people who think Sigmund Freud is an absolute dunce? I don’t blame you. But he was right about something, and it’s that what happens to us during childhood shapes us—big time.

    Researchers in the Netherlands discovered that parents who praise their children for innate qualities may actually do more harm than good. According to the study, parents should instead praise children for their hard work and effort.

    So what’s the difference? It’s hardly possible to distinguish between a mom exclaiming, “Oh, you’re such a good reader!” and another who says, “Oh, you worked so hard on your reading assignment!” But this difference is significant.

    Children who were praised for “being” something felt a strange pressure that children who were praised for their work didn’t feel: When they fail, they associate the failure with an innate quality instead of associating it with the amount or quality of work they did.

    As you can imagine, associating your failures with innate flaws instead of just the quality of effort you put in can be damaging to a child’s impressionable self-image. And it can continue to wreak havoc on your adult self.

    Suddenly “I didn’t study enough” becomes “I’m stupid,” or “I need more practice with painting” becomes “I’m a bad artist,” etc. The low value falls on the self, not on the action taken.

    To put it another way, this kind of praise conditions us to think we are supposed to already be something without practice or trial and error. After falling short of this irrational standard a few times, self-esteem can drop quickly.

    The researchers also found that parents were more likely to praise children with low self-esteem for their innate qualities, thinking it would help give them a needed boost. Whoops.

    If you think this sounds like a bunch of BS, I can vouch for it personally.

    For much of my life, I wouldn’t try anything that I felt I wasn’t “innately” good at. I was big on beginner’s luck and anything I knew how to do intuitively, without much effort. Everything else (especially when hand-eye coordination was involved) could suck it as far as I was concerned.

    My parents were not major enforcers of hard work, so their praises were usually directed at innate qualities.

    As I grew up, this subtle distinction wreaked havoc in many areas of my life. I would quit things at the first sign of trouble, becoming extremely discouraged, and sometimes even feeling ashamed at the slightest mistake.

    Basically, how I behaved and my upbringing exemplified the above theory: I had no understanding of commitment and how it was the key to being talented in any area. Instead, I fearfully avoided anything that required practice and stuck to things I felt I had a “knack” for. I believed that what I did was who I was—for better or worse.

    Separating Yourself From Your Effort

    So ask yourself this: What is your relationship with hard work and effort? How about innate talent? How do you see yourself when moving toward a goal?

    If you’ve had self-esteem issues in your life, you may be familiar with quitting or shying away from effort. Maybe you felt bad when you weren’t immediately good at a new task, thinking you just “didn’t have it in you.”

    So you need to begin catching yourself in these thought patterns. A failure of any kind does not reflect that you are a failure. It is simply that your action failed to have the impact you wanted.

    So begin to:

    1. Consciously separate these two things in your mind. Each time you recognize this pattern, remind yourself that a failed attempt at something does not equate to a failed person.

    2. Suspend negative self-talk and replace it with a more neutral belief. For example, if you intensely feel that you’ve failed at something, remind yourself that it is probably a common mistake and getting good at any task requires patience.

    3. Truly begin to understand that failure is necessary for success in anything. View failures (as best you can) as learning opportunities that will propel you to the next stage.

    The book The Talent Code: Greatness Isn’t Born. It’s Grown. Here’s How does a great job of debunking the “innate talent” myth. The author explains where talent and skill actually come from. (Spoiler alert: it’s practice)

    “Every expert in every field is the result of around ten thousand hours of committed practice.” ~The Talent Code

    Extraordinary innate talent is sort of a myth, perpetuated by meaningless phrases like “you either have it or you don’t!” Of course, it’s safe to say that we all have propensities for certain things, but that does not bar those who don’t from practicing and developing that skill too.

    So the next time you hold yourself to unrealistic expectations, remember: You are not your effort.

  • You Either Get Bitter Or You Get Better

    You Either Get Bitter Or You Get Better

  • Challenges Our Lessons for Our Growth

    Challenges Our Lessons for Our Growth

  • When Family Members Push Our Buttons: How This Helps Us Grow

    When Family Members Push Our Buttons: How This Helps Us Grow

    Humanoids Argue

    “If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” ~Pema Chodron

    You love them most of the time. You can’t stand them some of the time. But in the end, family is family.

    I’ve never liked to admit it, but I am just like my dad. Close in birthday, same number 5 life path in numerology, both risk takers, very passionate and adventurous, fun-loving, and witty, and we lead by example. That’s positively speaking.

    However, it becomes a negative pattern to focus on the other side of the coin. We both have the ability to become angry, withdrawn, and addicted to drama, and we both try to please everyone then resent others for their own imbalance.

    Do you think it’s any surprise the family you were born into?

    I used to blame my snappy behavior on my dad, whether at work, with girlfriends, or in social environments. “It’s my conditioning,” was my excuse I told myself. That’s exactly what it is from my perspective—an excuse.

    On closer self-reflection, I found myself getting angrier and angrier that I was like my dad and becoming more like him.

    Even though he’s a great guy, whenever I had a frustrating moment or lost my temper, I would blame him. No accountability or responsibility for my beliefs and actions, or the decisions I had made that led me to my current state.

    What this did was further fuel my anger because I began to resent myself too.

    I didn’t love myself as a “whole,” warts and all. I only wanted to see the positive stuff, but that became harder to do when I didn’t acknowledge, understand, and process my shadow as a part of who I am. This neglect strangely disabled my ability to enjoy the more positive aspects of my nature.

    From my perspective, my dad was waking me up to own my anger and helping me see how it was also of benefit and service to me.

    This moment came to a head at a FedEx Office when an employee made a remark to me that made me feel stupid. Well, that’s how I interpreted it at the time anyway. I hadn’t read the signs on how to use the self-service computers, and the employee reminded me in a condescending tone to read the signs over to my left.

    That was enough for me to lose it. “What the hell did you just say to me?” I snapped.

    I went from zero to a thousand in an instant and kept shouting like a crazy person. I could feel my head boil. It was then that a friend called on my cell. I stepped away, while the employee looked stunned and embarrassed by my behavior, while the women in line clutched their pearls so to speak.

    I picked up the call and subconsciously said, “Don’t mind me, just having a moment here at Fed Ex. Snapped like my Dad.”

    There went the finger of blame. Once again, I refused to accept that I could behave that way. My easy-going nature was where I liked to focus my awareness.

    The idea that I could sting with my words in a heartbeat, I chose to neglect. It reminded me too much of my dad and how I didn’t like it when he cut me off from a sentence or adamantly refused to see things from my perspective. It was his fault that this was becoming an all too familiar occurrence was my excuse.

    Thankfully, my friend on the phone is also a mentor, so he reminded me it was time to take a closer look.

    “If your dad is the constant focus of your anger, what is he trying to wake you up to? Can you see he is subconsciously summoning you to investigate a part of yourself that desperately needs attention?” he asked.

    It’s hard looking at yourself in the mirror when you may see an aspect of yourself you deny. But in order for me to understand my anger, I needed to become familiar with it and take responsibility.

    By owning the positive side of my angry outbursts, I could stop judging myself and release blame directed at my dad.

    Sound a little weird? Stay with me.

    At home with a pen and paper, I wrote down every benefit I could think of, which told me how being angry was also of service to me. Some benefits included:

    • Anger helps me take action; the fire within motivates me to go after what I really want. It helps me create tunnel vision and to block out anything or anyone that I see as a distraction to my goals.
    • It adds to the emotion and depth of my writing, which can only add to its authenticity.
    • It gives me an opportunity to practice accepting my shadow side. I don’t need to fight my anger; I just need to understand it and become more mindful of how I use it. This becomes a practice of accepting myself as I am.

    By the time I had finished this exercise, which quickly became a page and a half, I felt a huge weight had lifted. The more self-aware I became, the less my anger bubbled to the surface.

    I believe that was because I let myself off the hook. I forgave myself for being angry and forgave my dad for how he was. That in of itself was a huge weight to lift off my chest. Understanding it made me calmer and accentuated my ability to enjoy the more “positive” aspects of my nature.

    This is, I believe, what my dad was waking me up to. I’ll say it again:

    Do you think it’s any surprise the family you were born into? Think about it. Considering the amount of time we spend with our families growing up, it comes as no surprise that certain family members seriously push our buttons.

    Why do they push our buttons? To help us discover what we’re meant to work through in this lifetime. Simply put, to help us grow. They are our teachers to help us wake up to parts of ourselves that need attention, understanding, and in some cases healing.

    When rubbed the wrong way, the idea is to be able to take a closer look at ourselves and grow. What are these button pushers trying to teach us? Why do we react the way we do? What pain point are they touching? Are we willing to admit this and address it? Are we willing to not take it all so personally?

    I believe that there are no accidents. I believe that our birth into our individual families is not random. Even if you don’t share this belief, you can still choose to see your challenging relationships as opportunities for growth, thereby empowering yourself instead of victimizing yourself.

    The invitation to grow can help us be more empathetic, compassionate, loving, self-aware, trusting, authentic, confident, and less self-absorbed, jealous, envious, uncooperative, angry, and impatient.

    You might be thinking, “Well, my brother bullies me,” or “My mother was abusive.” Sure, they might have been and probably were. But what do we know about hurt people? They hurt others.

    Put yourself in his or her shoes. Imagine how much he is hurting or what dis-ease she has in her body? You have no idea what it is like to walk in their shoes. And look, it doesn’t give them a “get out of jail free card,” but it does give you an opportunity to become stronger and more self-aware, and to tap into a deeper understanding of your authenticity.

    Maybe the bully of the family is summoning you to stand up for yourself, believe in yourself. Maybe your mother is calling for you to treat yourself with more kindness, so you can then teach others how to be kind.

    I could go into a billion examples in family relationships, but the point I’m making is that your family is designed to help you grow. The task at hand is to wake up and pay attention to what each one of them has to teach you.

  • Post-Traumatic Growth: How Pain Can Lead to Gain

    Post-Traumatic Growth: How Pain Can Lead to Gain

    Butterfly hands

    “When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. When life is bitter, say thank you and grow.” ~Shauna Niequist

    It’s been over five years since the unexpected death of my oldest son. The first couple years were fraught with depression, despair, and a sense of hopelessness like I had never felt before. I even kept a notebook in my purse outlining the plan for how I would ultimately end my life.

    It wasn’t until this past year that I told my friends about how close I had been to the edge. After outing myself, I found out they knew way more than I gave them credit for in that first year, and were often on suicide watch (despite the fact that I thought I was being so coy).

    Recently I was talking to a friend about my “list.” It included the things I wanted to have done before I ended my own life (I’m a bit of a planner). Some items were practical things, like “clean the house” and “have the laundry done,” but it also included emotional things, like “write letters to my family” and “distribute special personal items.”

    My friend roared in laughter (not the response I expected) and said, “I’m so glad Brandon (my son who died) kept having you add stuff to your list—you’ll never have all your laundry done!”

    I had to agree, there was no doubt that my angel son, Brandon, had been scheming, along with my other friends, to keep my head above water until I could learn to swim on my own.

    As horrible as those early months and years were, they also led me to deeper spiritual and emotional growth than I’ve ever experienced in my life.

    For me, the loss of my son led me to find my secret super soul powers. For you, it might be a divorce or diagnosis that shook your world to the core and forced you onto the path of what professionals call “post-traumatic growth.” Yes, post-traumatic growth is a real thing!

    Learning about this powerful shift that happens when we’re open to seeing the growth behind tragedy allows us to use these events to evolve into a better, more soul-filled version of ourselves.

    Post-traumatic growth has an organic, innate quality about it, but we have to know to look for it or we might miss it.

    What is Post Traumatic Growth?

    Psychologists Richard G. Tedeschi and Lawrence G. Calhoun originally researched post-traumatic growth (PTG) in the mid 1990’s at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. The researchers found that 90% of individuals who experience a traumatic event exhibit as least one factor identified as PTG.

    The five cornerstones of PTG include:

    • A desire to be open to new opportunities that weren’t present or didn’t seem like possibilities before
    • An increased sense of connection to others, typically exhibited by being more compassionate or empathetic to other’s suffering.
    • A greater sense of self-reliance or sense that if you lived through that, you can take on anything
    • An increase in gratitude for life in general and an appreciation for things that might have been taken for granted before
    • A deepening of a spiritual connection or purpose, and this could include changing or realigning beliefs

    Examples of PTG

    You may not feel like you’ve changed in all these areas. It’s common to experience your PTG in one or two of them.

    For example, I have a friend who became one of the first women to run the length of the Colorado Trail (486 miles), in order to raise awareness for Parkinson’s disease, after her sister was diagnosed with the disease.

    This is an example of seeing new opportunities and developing an increased gratitude for life. Although I would guess there was also a connection to spirit during those long days on the trail!

    When I speak on this topic I often share the famous icons of PTG—superheroes like Batman and Spiderman, who both were moved to act on their PTG after the loss of a loved one. (Okay, Spiderman had the added benefit of superpowers, but still!)

    Or we could talk about the woman, Candy Lightner, who started Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). The death of her child propelled her to create a drunk driving movement that we’ve all heard of.

    One of my most healing shifts came when I began to feel deep compassion for others who were suffering, and also tapped into gratitude for the beautiful life I still had to live and for the blessings that occur daily when I tuned in to them.

    I have also felt a shift on focusing on what is really important in life and being able to let go of thoughts that no longer serve me.

    Two of my other sons, Brandon’s younger brothers, recently took a year and travelled to Australia. They have both said to me they realize there are no promises in life and want to experience all they can.

    How Can You Tap into PTG for Personal Gain?

    The simplest place to start is checking in with yourself to see if you are stuck asking yourself why something happened to you. If you continue to struggle with a question that, even if it were answered, would not change your current situation, then you start with shifting from the “why me” to the “how.” How can you make something good come of this?

    The next step is starting to practice. All the good stuff we need is labeled practice, not perfect—a meditation practice, yoga practice, gratitude practice. It’s no accident that what we need most we are told to practice, not perfect.

    PTG is the blooming lotus flower in the mud. When we can begin practicing looking for the potential instead of being focused on the mud, our minds begin to shift. Our brains are wired to tune in to what we’re looking for. If we’re looking for the bad stuff, the bad stuff is what we see, and vice versa.

    Remember PTG has an organic element to it, so to help you begin to practice PTG in your own life, start with the most natural shifts. When you consider the five areas above, which one to you feel most drawn to? Perhaps there is one that comes more natural to you.

    For example, have you always felt a connection to spirit? If so, lean into your growth by finding ways to explore your relationship to a higher power.

    Is a part of you that has wanted to take a trip somewhere, but it always felt out of reach or not possible? Why not explore how to make it happen this year? Life is precious; find a way to act.

    I would also encourage you to begin noticing how others you know have shown PTG. Think of friends or other people who handled a crisis in a way that makes you take notice. What action did they take or how did they change themselves?

    PTG has the capacity to take us beyond simply adapting to our current situation. It takes us to new levels of consciousness and being that weren’t available had we not experienced our life event or trauma.

    Think of this as not just making lemonade from your lemons, but having what you need to create a decadent, gourmet, and sweetly delicious lemon chiffon cheesecake with a raspberry swirl topping!

  • You’re More Than Your Mistakes

    You’re More Than Your Mistakes

    You're more than your mistakes

    Source: NotSalmon.com

  • You Don’t Have to Appear Perfect: It’s Okay to Admit You’re Flawed

    You Don’t Have to Appear Perfect: It’s Okay to Admit You’re Flawed

    You Were Born to Be Real

    “Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.” ~Sigmund Freud

    If you’re anything like I was, you have an image of yourself that you want other people to adopt. You think people expect that of you or would like you better if that’s who you were, so you pretend to be that person.

    Over time, you put on layers of protection to prevent people from seeing the imperfections that would undermine that perception. You refuse to admit to those imperfections. You may also blame others, the weather, or fate for any perceived failure—anything but yourself.

    As a result, you can’t interact with people in a real way because you can never let your guard down and be yourself. So your relationships are less than they could be.

    And you can’t really grow, because that would involve admitting you have a weakness.

    I’ve been there.

    I spent decades trying to live up to the image I thought people wanted and expected of me: the golden-boy, the successful one, the smart one.

    I am an only child and the oldest kid in my generation in my family. With that came a lot of pressure, mostly self-imposed.

    I got good grades in smart-kid classes, I didn’t drink, I didn’t do drugs, I started on my high school basketball team, I could do things on my own without help, I didn’t make mistakes.

    The problem was I did make mistakes. For example, when I was seventeen I wrecked my friend’s car because I didn’t look before I pulled into traffic, but I blamed the clutch.

    After a basketball game in which I missed a few free throws, at the next practice, our coach put me on the free-throw line and made me shoot until I made two in a row.

    Every time I missed, the whole team had to run except for me. The team ended up running twenty times before I finally hit the free throws. Instead of taking responsibility for not putting in the work to make sure I made the free throws, I blamed the coach for putting me in that “unfair” position.

    When my college relationship broke up, I blamed my girlfriend for being clingy and selfish. But the reality was that we just weren’t right for each other and it had as much, or more, to do with me than it had to do with her.

    What I perceived as clingy and selfish was just her totally reasonable reaction to my fear of commitment and my resulting withdrawal. Not recognizing that it was mostly my issue led to a series of relationships where I made similar mistakes, always concluding my partner was clingy—until I finally took a look in the mirror and recognized the only consistent variable was me.

    In each of these examples, and countless other times, I just ignored my mistake or made some excuse for it and kept moving on because recognizing it wouldn’t fit in with the perfect version of myself I thought everyone expected.

    The more time I spent being this polished up version of myself, the more removed I became from who I actually was. And it just built on itself all throughout adulthood.

    In fact, even when I started being okay doing things I would have perceived as a mistake when I was younger, like drinking socially, I wouldn’t do it around my family. Not even at holiday functions when everyone else was drinking.

    I felt like I needed to live up to the idealized version of myself that I envisioned they had. So I kept up appearances.

    The longer I lived that version of life, the more difficult, almost impossible, it became for me to grow, because to do so meant I had to recognize I did actually make mistakes and had room to grow.

    It may sound like I was conceited and super full of myself, but that wasn’t really it. It wasn’t that I believed I was perfect; I just needed everyone else to believe I was, which meant I had to pretend. I was terrified of anyone finding out it wasn’t true.

    When I finally came to terms with the fact that playing perfect (unsuccessfully, I might add) was a terrible way to go about being happy, having real relationships, and making choices in life, it was terrifying.

    It meant I had to do something I never really had before—admit weaknesses, admit I needed help with things, admit mistakes were my fault, not someone else’s or just bad luck.

    Peeling off the layers of protection is an ongoing process. But it has allowed me to reach out for help and truly grow as a person for the first time in a long time.

    Ironically, becoming vulnerable has allowed me to get closer to being (although certainly not actually becoming) the person I pretended to be for so long.

    It can do the same thing for you.

    You Aren’t Sir So and So, Take Off the Knight-like Suit of Armor

    Being hurt sucks, whether it’s physically, mentally, or emotionally. So we protect ourselves from pain.

    And we are generally good at minimizing the physical kind.

    Our lives are climate-controlled, we rarely feel the pangs of hunger or a desperate thirst, we treat our illnesses and minor aches with medicines that knock them out before they really get started, and we rarely experience the loss of a loved one before old age.

    All of that is great, and a fairly good list of why we should be thankful to live in the modern world rather than any of those that preceded it.

    But we also spend a lot of energy protecting ourselves from the type of emotional pain that comes along with being authentic and vulnerable, admitting our weaknesses.

    And, ironically, that causes us significant emotional pain because having to always be a shined-up, polished version of ourselves is hard and stressful.

    Plus, it cheats us out of the type of emotional pleasure we want because when we aren’t authentic with people, it’s very difficult to have authentic emotional connections.

    It also blocks our growth.

    The longer you act as though you are perfect the way you are, the harder it is for you to see where you need or want to grow.

    You become so used to acting perfect, you start to believe it. Maybe not intellectually, but subconsciously, you think, “I’m pretty good as I am. I just need a lucky break and then I’ll be happy and successful.”

    And when you start putting the focus and power on your future success on something external like “a lucky break,” you fairly quickly lose any motivation for self-improvement and instead just sit around doing what you have been doing, waiting for fortune to smile on you one way or another.

    This is not a great formula for improvement, or success for that matter.

    Also, not being vulnerable makes it is difficult, if not impossible, to recruit anyone else to help you because to do so, you have to admit you aren’t perfect.

    So how do you start this process?

    The first step is to the difference between who you are and the version you show to the people in your life.

    This will take time, because (if you are anything like me) you have been play-acting “super-you” for so long that it’s actually hard to tease out the difference. That’s okay.

    Start small. Just listen to yourself talk to people over the next couple of days. In what situations do you say things you really don’t believe so that you can fit in? Are there particular people that you do it more often with?

    Once you’ve identified your situations where you tend to cover up your flaws, the next step is doing something about it.

    When you find yourself in the situations in which you tend to be less than honest about who you are, be diligent about being true to yourself. Stop yourself, or even correct yourself if you say something dishonest.

    If you can start to be vulnerable in those situations, it will start to be much easier to do it throughout your entire day.

    That has certainly been the case for me.

    For a long time I regularly covered up my faults and weaknesses with my family because I desperately wanted to meet their expectations. So when they asked, everything was always great. School was great, work was great, and my relationship was great, even when they weren’t.

    Once I decided to just be real with my family, my relationships with them, which had previously felt inauthentic, plastic, and rigid, started to warm, soften, and deepen.  

    The other situation where I was rarely, if ever, willing to admit mistakes was in athletics. When something went wrong while I was playing, it was always bad luck or someone else’s fault.

    When I recognized my tendency to be inauthentic in team situations, and embraced it, taking responsibility when things were my fault, a couple things happened.

    One, no one kicked me out and judged me as incompetent (which was my fear), and two, I was able to get help to get better at things.

    Taking strides toward admitting my imperfections in these areas carried over to other situations too.

    For example, I am now much more likely to admit that I did something wrong at home or in my personal relationships.

    When you allow yourself to recognize you aren’t perfect, you will also be able pursue growth, stop making the same mistakes over and over again, and deepen your relationships with everyone you interact with.

    —

    Shedding the layers of protection you have put on over the years is hard, but once you give yourself permission to do it, the freedom will feel tangible. You will breathe an exhilarating sigh of relief.

    And once you’ve started the process, the momentum will carry you. You will start living a life and having relationships that are true to you, not to whatever you thought everyone else wanted from you.

    And it is all within your power. You just have to decide, and then do it.

    You were born to be real image via Shutterstock

  • Don’t Carry Your Mistakes

    Don’t Carry Your Mistakes

    Dont carry mistakes

    Source: Lessons Learned in Life