Tiny Buddha

Tag: Gratitude

  • 6 Lessons from a Poor Childhood That Lead to a Rich Life

    6 Lessons from a Poor Childhood That Lead to a Rich Life

    Happy Old Woman

    “If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can’t buy.” ~Proverb

    I grew up on a farm with a father that was a hired hand and a mother that took care of the elderly.

    I had six siblings and was the fifth in line. We had little money, but I always felt loved, not deprived. In many ways I was a rich person.

    When I was four years old I lived in a two-room house, with two bedrooms built on within the year.

    We had no real kitchen (it was just a room), no running water or indoor bathroom, no TV or telephone. (No, I did not grow up with the dinosaurs). We did have electric lights.

    What did I learn by growing up in these conditions?

    1. I learned to share.

    There were four of us girls and we all slept in the same bedroom—two in one bed and two in another (both twin beds). You name it, and we shared.

    2. I learned to take good care of what little I had and be grateful.

    We each had one pair of shoes, very few clothes, and one toy for Christmas, so we took good care of what little we had and did not take it for granted. For birthdays, there was a cake baked and our present was getting to lick the bowl for the cake and icing.

    3. I learned to use my imagination.

    With very few toys we had to make your own. We walked on tall tomato cans with strips of rubber attached to hold them on our feet. We played with old tires and five gallon barrels by rolling them on their side. And stilts, we made ourselves.

    4. I learned to eat until I was not hungry any more rather that when I was stuffed.

    Food was limited, but balanced. We each got our share because my mother cut it up equally among us. (I never knew you could scoop ice cream out of the carton until I grew up, because my mother always cut a half gallon of ice cream into 10 equal pieces and that 10th piece was cut into 10 more pieces. (My father got the extra piece.)

    I have never had a problem with weight, and this is because of the good eating habits and appreciation for the food we had.

    5. I learned that it was the people that made a home, not the size of a house.

    We may not have had much, but we had each other. We had each other to talk to, play with, and laugh with. (Sometimes to fight with.)

    6. I learned to work together.

    When you live in a small space you have to work as a team. You learn good working skills and what hard work is.

    We earned money by working in the fields for the farmers, helping irrigate when it came to watering the crops, and keeping the four rooms of our house picked up, so there was room to walk.

    As I look back on my childhood and the values it fostered, I realize I was a very lucky child. Yes, things are much better and easier now, but I know what to appreciate and what’s important to be happy.

    It’s the people you share your life with—the memories you build and laughter you share.

    Things are not what make you happy. It’s living in the moment and living everyday with love in your heart.

    I only buy what I need, which controls the clutter. I have food, shelter, and water, air to breathe, and people to love that love me.

    I appreciate what I already have to add comfort to my life. I take good care of my furniture, appliances, and the little things that make life more comfortable and easier.

    We have the choice to change our life if we want. With hard work and a dream anything is possible. Obstacles can always be overcome. We learn from them and keep moving forward.

    True happiness does not come with a price tag. Happiness is something we choose with our own attitude and gratitude.

    I look at people today and all the material things they acquire, thinking they are going to find happiness, but happiness cannot be bought.

    It’s in our attitude. The love in our heart. The people we know and love. The memories life brings.

    When death is knocking at our door, what will be important is the way we loved and the memories we leave for the people left behind. They’re not going to remember the house you lived in or the beautiful things you may have had.

    People will remember the laughter they shared with you, the long talks, lessons they may have learned from you, and most important, the love that was shared.

    In the end it is who we were, how we touched other’s lives, and the love we gave and received that is going to count and be remembered.

    Are you building those kinds of memories? Are people going to smile and laugh when they think of how you touched their life someday?

    Photo by T Sundrup

  • The Secret to Happiness: 5 Tips to Feel More Grateful and Blissful

    The Secret to Happiness: 5 Tips to Feel More Grateful and Blissful

    “The secret of happiness is to count your blessings while others are adding up their troubles.” ~William Penn 

    Did you know that gratitude has been scientifically proven to strengthen your immune system and make you happier and more optimistic, as well as less lonely and isolated? It’s true, and although science has just recently caught up to this fact, the Buddhists have known it for years.

    On a recent trip to Bhutan, my husband and I climbed to the Bumdra monastery and camped at 11,500 feet. The air was pure and clean, and the views were spectacular. And yet when the sun went down, all I could focus on were my frozen hands and feet.

    As we huddled around the fire, I just wanted to climb into my sleeping bag and warm myself. The temperatures had dropped just below freezing, and any joy I might have felt was overshadowed by my chattering teeth.

    Our guide, on the other hand, seemed impervious to the cold. He was wearing a Gho, a traditional knee-length robe that ties at the waist—and yet here I was, bundled in my down coat, freezing.

    I asked him if he was cold, and he replied that he was grateful to be able to camp at this sacred site.

    I kept questioning him, as I couldn’t really believe his answer. I truly couldn’t understand how he could ignore this bone-chilling cold. Didn’t he want a warmer jacket; didn’t he need a heater?

    His reply humbled me: “Rather than focusing on what I don’t have, I focus on what I do—I am lucky to have a fire, I am lucky to have this job, I am lucky to have a tent, and I am lucky to have your company.”

    I realized that he had just shared a very important secret to happiness. Focusing on our blessings allow us to celebrate the present moment and keep our attention on the good instead of the bad.

    Human nature is to want what we don’t have and to dwell on the negatives—instead of celebrating what we do have and focusing on what’s going well.

    My husband and I had planned this trip for months and had spent hours hiking up the mountain. And yet during the hike I had complained about being hot, and now here I was complaining about the cold. But as I listened to our guide share his contagious sense of gratitude, my attitude shifted, and I started to focus on my blessings.

    I began to enjoy the incredible darkness and stillness of the night sky. I began to really focus on the stars, which cannot really be enjoyed living in a city that obscures the light. I began to really listen to this wise man and enjoy his stories.

    Here’s the thing: being grateful has the power to block out negative emotions. You can’t really pay attention to what’s missing or what’s not going well if you only let your mind pay attention to what is.

    As I began to enjoy the peacefulness of the night with my husband, my attitude changed, the cold faded, and I was suddenly filled with joy and gratitude for this incredible experience.

    Weather changes, possessions come and go, and experiences—both good and bad–all come to an end. But our attitude of gratitude allows us to be fully present in every moment and to enjoy every last one.

    Here are a few simple things to try to start feeling a little more blissful on a regular basis:

    1. Keep a gratitude journal.

    Make gratitude a daily habit. Every day, jot down ten great things that happened to you or that you are grateful for. Keeping your focus on the positive will really make a difference.

    2. Practice present moment awareness.

    The habit of being fully present and not wishing for something in the future or the past—but just being grateful for what is—can really shift your perspective. Catch yourself when that moment escapes you, and gently remind yourself to come back.

    3. Think bigger than yourself.

    Become involved in a cause that is important to you. As you become aware of other people who are less fortunate than you, you will start to feel a deeper appreciation for what you do have.

    4. Share the love with your family and friends.

    Cultivate appreciation for others and let them know regularly that you are grateful for them and for what they do for you—whether it be helping around the house or always inviting you out for a fun dinner date. Focusing on the positive will make people want to keep doing it!

    5. Replace complaints with gratitude.

    When you find yourself focusing on what you believe you’re lacking—I wish my car were nicer, my house were bigger, I had more money—replace it with thoughts of what you are thankful for.

    What are you grateful for today?

  • 3 Obstacles to Living in the Now (and How to Get Blissfully Present Again)

    3 Obstacles to Living in the Now (and How to Get Blissfully Present Again)

    “Never underestimate the desire to bolt.” ~ Pema Chodron

    I have been trying this present moment awareness thing for a while now, about two years, and I have to say, it’s not going quite like I expected.

    Somehow I got it in to my silly little head that after a while I would stop bolting from reality and I would just be present all the time, with complete effortlessness. Wrong.

    And if there was any lingering doubt as to the flaw in my plan, I then read a number of accounts by people who have been practitioners of present moment awareness for something like twenty or thirty years, and they said they still run away from the present moment sometimes. Damn.

    So clearly my unreasonable expectations have got to be changed.

    I also noticed that since I have been doing this for a while now, the why and how I flee the present moment has changed.

    I used to flee in overt and rather extreme ways, and still do sometimes, like binge eating and excessive TV watching.

    But now that the more extreme behaviors have lessened, bolting from reality happens in much more subtle ways, usually obsessive thought. Here are the three most common ways:

    1. Lack of compassion.

    People do things that tick me off. It’s just a part of life. Anger is a naturally occurring emotion; there’s nothing wrong with that. Where it becomes a problem for me is when I get lost in that mental commentary of “what they did and how awful it was.”

    This track of obsessive thoughts can go on for a long, long time. And when I am stuck in that story of “what they did and how awful it was” I am nowhere near the present moment.

    I don’t have to like everything everyone does. I need to be honest about my anger and feel it. But that story about how stupid and pathetic other people are keeps me in my unhappy mind and not in the present moment.

    Solution? When I remember what I struggle with—my flaws that are most embarrassing to me, that I dearly wish would go away—then I can get in touch with the part of me that needs compassion. And I can feel how painful it is for others to stand in judgment of my flaws.

    The secret is that the part of me that needs compassion is the same part that can give it to others. Remembering specifically how I’m not perfect helps me have compassion on others, and that works to break the spell of the “Unhappy story of what they did.”

    2. Lack of gratitude.

    I recently read that the brain, being a problem-solving machine, has a natural negativity bias for the purpose of identifying problems. That’s great. What’s not great is spending all of your time in your head instead of living in your immediate life experience.

    When I am stuck in my head instead of being in my present moment, my whole life becomes a long stream of obsessive thoughts about “my problems.” I focus on what I don’t like about a situation, what I don’t like about my reaction to that situation—and here is the important part—to the exclusion of everything else.

    Solution? Making the conscious choice to find the good stuff—to identify the things that do work out and what I did get right—makes a huge difference in breaking the spell of “everything sucks.” This helps me see my present moment for what it really is: some stuff I don’t like, but mostly lots of good stuff.

    And there is always good stuff, I promise. Here is a tip: if you cannot think of any good stuff, think of how it could be worse. For example, you could have no limbs or live in a far more dangerous part of the world

    3. Panic.

    When I realize I have been absent from myself, coming back home to my present moment experience can be a struggle. And it can take a long time, because there is panic in me over the idea that I have “done something wrong,” which creates a striving and straining to “do it right.”

    Typically, I over think it, try way too hard, and make it some kind of contest, although I have no idea who I think I am competing with or what exactly is the rush when I tell myself things like, “Hurry up and get back in the present moment!”

    Once the competitor in me is activated, I am back on the treadmill of thought about how to “fix this,” and as with all treadmills, no closer to my destination: the present moment.

    Solution? Relax. Breathe. Impress it upon my mind again and again that strain does not actually help me accomplish. Good enough is good enough. Perfectionism ruins all good things. There is no contest to win and no race to finish. All this kind of panic does is help me to further elude the present moment.

    —

    This process can seem tedious, returning again and again and yet again to the present moment, then doing it all again tomorrow. But as with all things, it’s all about perspective. If I can let go of the competitor, the one who is trying to achieve, win, do it right, staying awake gets much closer to effortless.

    Making present moment awareness something that is achievement based only serves to keep us bound to shame, and make us feel like failures when we inevitably can’t stay present 100% of the time.

    In the crucial moment when I realize I have left the present moment again, instead of rejoicing that I am once again awake by virtue of that knowing, I often times plunge back in to unconsciousness with thoughts like “You failed again to stay present.”

    What a game changer it is, upon coming home to my present moment, instead of hearing “Where have you been?” I say to myself “Welcome back.”

  • 5 Steps to Learn from Anger

    5 Steps to Learn from Anger

    Anger

    “Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Take the action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron

    How do you feel about anger? Growing up, I always felt that anger was “bad.” In school and at home I learned that anger made people do “bad” things, and anger was a source of “evil” in the world.

    I didn’t want any part of that! So, when things happened that made me angry (for example, getting bullied at school), I’d ignore the feelings of anger until they “went away.” I’d go home and cry, feeling these emotions build up inside of my body.

    It felt like I would explode. And I’d sit there, trying to breathe, praying for the wave of anger to pass. Eventually my headache would go away, and I’d be able to breathe easily, but the feelings never quite left my body.

    What I didn’t know then was that those feelings would later transform into deeper feelings of anger and resentment.

    Later, as a young professional, I found that those feelings of resentment turned into paralyzing beliefs and actions that held me back from my deeper calling. I would take the bus or the subway and find myself getting angry if the person next to me was breathing too heavily, or glanced at me.

    I interpreted constructive criticism on the job as personal insults, and I would leave interactions with co-workers feeling angry, frustrated, and hurt.

    When I finally had an emotional breakdown and accessed that anger, I was afraid that it would consume me. What actually happened: I used those feelings of anger as a teacher and means of transforming my life.

    I use these steps to process anger whenever I feel it come up in my body, and I repeat as often as necessary.

    1. Acknowledge it.

    I think about my feelings of anger as being a child who is acting out. That child could be hurt, sad, frustrated. or lonely, but right now anger is the only way it knows how to express those deeper emotions.

    If not acknowledged, short term frustration could lead to long term resentment, with physical effects like tight muscles, insomnia, headaches, and bloating. (I experienced all of these!)

    If something recent has happened, allow yourself to be angry for a set amount of time (15 minutes is usually enough). Yell, punch a pillow, call a trusted friend and vent, or listen to some music that may help you access that emotion.

    2. Understand it.

    If you let it, anger can be one of your greatest teachers. That pure emotion can be a connection to our soul’s deepest desires, and understanding the anger can be the key to moving past it and creating meaningful change in your life.

    Get silent for a few minutes, and have a conversation with that anger. It could be as simple as “What are you here to show me?” or “What am I truly upset about—what is my deeper desire?” The process of questioning the feelings (without judging them) creates space for deeper emotions to come forth.

    3. Move through it.

    It’s important to take action on anger in ways that promote your growth.

    For example, if a stranger was rude to you, you can acknowledge that the stranger’s actions were based on whatever they were dealing with, and had little to do with you. If a family member, co-worker, or friend is constantly irritating you, is there a boundary that you can set? Can you limit your interactions with that person?

    Creating action steps around anger is essential because it puts you back in control of your emotions. We cannot always control what happens to us, but we can always control how we react.

    4. Monitor it.

    Take a step back for a moment. How often do you get angry? Is your anger directed at a specific person, or are there specific situations that get you angry? If so, it may be time to set a boundary.

    It is normal and healthy to have some non-negotiables in your life—things that you will not tolerate. If you don’t like people touching your hair without asking, let them know. If there are events (for example, family gatherings) that are a source of your anger, limit them.

    You have the option to decline those events. People will treat you the way you teach them to treat you; make sure you set clear guidelines around what you will and will not accept.

    5. Be grateful for it.

    You can never truly let go of something unless you do so with love. Love in this sense doesn’t necessarily mean wanting to be best friends with someone who caused you pain, but it does mean accepting the experience, focusing on the positive, and leaving the rest behind.

    One of the easiest ways to connect with love is to express gratitude. When it comes to anger, expressing gratitude can be one of the fastest ways to push the anger out of your system while honoring it.

    If you have a difficult co-worker, or parents that may not fully support your dreams, take some time and be thankful for what they represent in your life. It could be that these challenging individuals have helped you to develop the strength, confidence, and determination to continue on your path.

    As I incorporated these steps into my life and started teaching them to my patients, I started to have a much deeper appreciation for anger.

    All of our emotions—like fear, anger, sadness, and joy—can be valuable teachers along our path, showing us what we truly desire and illuminating our path to further personal development.

    Photo by RenaudPhoto

  • The Power of Poise: How to Stop Losing Your Cool

    The Power of Poise: How to Stop Losing Your Cool

    Poised

    “Poise is an unseen power, and this unseen power is always ready to come to the aid of the outer action.” ~Sri Chinmoy

    Poise is the seeker’s goal because poise is our highest state of consciousness. Poised, we are in a state of balance, composure, and equanimity, all of our powers at our disposal.

    When I am able to achieve poise, I am present, connected, grateful, creative, and light-hearted. Poised, my love flows.

    Like most of us, I have been poised much of the time, especially when life was easy, absent any major challenge. But I have also lost my poise too many times to remember.

    Every time I lost my poise, I was upset, angry, impatient, resentful, critical, and—a couple of times—even violent.

    A History of Lost Poise

    To figure out how to sustain my poise, no matter what challenges life presented to me, I spent several months recapitulating every time I had became unglued in my life.

    I wrote down every incident of lost poise I could remember, starting with the most recent and working back to childhood.

    Meditating about each uncomfortable memory, I wrote down the details of what had happened when I lost my poise—what my state of mind was, how I explained my craziness to myself at that time, how I had affected others, and what common themes surfaced that might give me some insight into how I could sustain my poise in the future.

    By the time I finished, I had enough pages for a book—a book that might have been entitled, Swinging Back and Forth Between Consciousness and Unconsciousness.

    Some examples of lost poise from my recapitulation:

    I was impatient with my wife, Mary, and said something critical.

    There were so many of these with Mary and other people in my life that I cut off my work trying to remember them all: the pattern was obvious.

    My self-importance was pricked by someone who didn’t show me proper respect. 

    Pages and pages of these. Once, in my early days as a high school teacher, I slapped a student who gave me the finger and was lucky not to lose my job.  

    Decades ago, as a teenager recently married, my young bride and I stood on a street curb watching saddle horses go by in a parade. 

    Suddenly one of the horses bolted and charged straight at us on the curb. I darted back, leaving my wife to fend for herself. I hadn’t been poised enough to protect her.

    The Deep Elements of a Poised Consciousness

    Much later, I became CEO of a large non-profit organization, a leadership position that required that I sustain my poise every day. We want our leaders to be poised, and even with the large challenges I faced, I was able to sustain my poise most of the time.

    One of the biggest challenges I encountered involved employees who lost their poise, reducing their effectiveness, lowering morale of their units, and sometimes diminishing the reputation and performance of our organization.

    Even top executives who reported to me, men and women with a great deal of self-awareness, lost their poise at times, reducing their credibility with me, with their reports, and with organizational partners.

    When employees lost their poise, they:

    • Were unable to stay present, looking inappropriately into the past or future
    • Lost their connection to others and to their own life purposes
    • Could not maintain their gratitude
    • Abandoned their normal creativity
    • Became heavy, losing their usual light-heartedness and becoming overly earnest

    The Universal Cause of Lost Poise

    Later, as a coach to other leaders, including Presidential appointees and other top executives, I finally saw clearly the universal cause of lost poise: self-pity.

    I saw that we all lose our poise every time we feel sorry for ourselves.

    Self-pity is often our response when something happens that we don’t like. We say “no” to something, as if it shouldn’t be in our life. Then we create a victim story to explain why we feel bad.

    The story always blames someone else. Someone is doing something to me. I am a victim. I tell sympathetic people my victim story, and they oblige by saying the equivalent of  ”Oh, you poor thing.” 

    Then we obsess and hope that divine justice or our own acts of revenge will bring our tyrants down.

    As long as we are capable of feeling sorry for ourselves, we will lose our poise.  Our potential will be blocked, and our lives will remain trapped in an eddy as we go round and round, feeling as if we’re on the move, but actually going nowhere.

    Living a Life of Sustained Poise

    The student’s goal is poise, because when poised, we are able to embrace everything life brings to us. Poised, we can see how to use challenges to our advantage. Everything becomes grist for the mill of learning.

    Poised, I say yes to life.

    When I finally understood that my self-pity was the culprit, the bad explanation I created around certain situations, and the cause of my lost poise, I set out to erase it. This turned out to be very difficult work.

    Self-pity is part of the warp and woof of our current stage of evolution, and only a small percentage of our human community is free of it. 

    At this point in my learning, I only lost my poise in subtle, hard-to-detect ways, so I had to go looking for my self-pity and victimhood in each case, even though my lost poise might not have been visible to others.

    It was painful to locate the self-pity lurking inside my rationalizations every single time. But I learned to recognize self-pity when it arose in the moment, cut it off, laugh, and say yes to whatever was happening.

    I learned how to sustain my poise.

    A Poise Checklist 

    I used my poise checklist to find my way back to poise when I was upset in any way:

    • Am I in the present right now?
    • Am I connected to others in love, and am I connected with my values, my mission, and myself?
    • Am I grateful right now?
    • Do I have access to my creativity, improvising, refusing to be trapped?
    • Is my heart light, unburdened by my own heaviness and self-absorption?

    I still lose my poise once in a while, but I know what to do—get back into the present, reconnect, give thanks, improvise, and laugh at myself.

    No matter what is happening, poise is the ultimate cool.

    Photo by h.koppdelaney

  • A Surefire Way to Improve Your Life: 7 Reasons and 5 Ways to Be Mindful

    A Surefire Way to Improve Your Life: 7 Reasons and 5 Ways to Be Mindful

    “People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don’t even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child—our own two eyes. All is a miracle.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I remember it clearly, the day it all began to click. People talk about epiphanies that changed their lives in an instant, and mine was no different. Problem was, this change turned into a ten-year journey of slow and sometimes painful self-discovery.

    I was standing outside with my wife and a friend. I don’t recall what we were talking about, but I do recall listening to my friend before he blurted, “I hate when you do that, Josh!”

    I was confused, so I asked, “Do what?”

    He replied, “You stopped listening and now you’re thinking about the next thing you’re going to say.”

    My confusion turned to embarrassment. “No!  I don’t do that—do I?” I looked at my wife—she nodded in agreement.

    That moment changed my life. It was like hearing a starting pistol go off on a project that would eventually take me down a rocky path of self-reflection over the next decade, but it was a feeling I never wanted to experience again.

    I’m not referring to the feeling of shame and embarrassment or being “caught,” but the feeling of knowing that my lack of awareness was the cause of others’ suffering.

    I desired to be a better husband, father, and friend, so I began studying mindfulness, which led me to conduct doctoral research on how mindful presence affects our everyday interactions.

    What I discovered was a set of seven principles we can all expect from becoming fully immersed in the present moment:

    1. Mindful presence creates a heightened awareness of what we do in the moment…

    …including thoughts as they arise, our actions taken as a result of those thoughts, and the impact of those thoughts and actions on others.

    2. Mindful presence is the catalyst for self-reflection.

    Simply put, the more present we are, the more we compare that moment to previous interactions, facilitating greater change for the better.

    3. Mindful presence nurtures unconditional acceptance, particularly in our close relationships.

    As things happen and we maintain presence, we are more likely to accept them without judgment.

    4. Mindful presence evokes interaction.

    As we immerse ourselves into the moment, others notice. As they notice our presence, it creates gravity, drawing us closer together. As we become present, we see others inviting us into interaction, because people want to be around others who are willing to invest time.

    5. The more aware we are of the greatness of others, the more likely we will feel pride for those we care about.

    As we feel that pride, we outwardly express it and others notice.  This encourages others to strive further through the very initiative we nurtured through our presence.

    6. In moments of mindful presence, we are more likely to experience savoring the moment as we marvel in wonder at the simplest beauty.

    Heightened appreciation adds color, depth, and richness to everyday experiences.

    7. The self-reflection referred to in #2 above results in a greater capacity for gratitude.

    As we reflect, we savor, and as we savor, we become thankful.

    Wonderful, right?  If I was reading this list, I know I would feel drawn toward acting more mindfully, but the next question is, how do we get there?

    Here are five ways mindfulness can be practiced and refined. I encourage you to try them all on a regular, rotating basis:

    1. One of the simplest methods is to walk with no destination in mind.

    This could be done at a trip to the store, around your neighborhood, or even at your local mall. Let go of all thought of a schedule or an agenda, and simply allow yourself to go wherever your mood takes you. Surrender yourself to the flow.

    Interestingly enough, driving reduces the angle of your field of vision by up to 75%, depending on speed. Walking allows you to see more of your surroundings, so take it in, but remind yourself as you walk: there is nowhere more important for you to be than right here, right now.

    2. Eat your food and consume your drink as if they were your last. 

    Sure, dinner might have been a cheap frozen dinner, but how would you eat that same meal if you knew it might be your last? Would you slow yourself down and savor it more? What would this do for your appreciation of what you consume.

    Another way of eating involves not taking a single bite or drink until you have silently thanked each and every individual responsible, from the farmer who cultivated the tealeaf, to the trucker who shipped it, to the grocer who placed it on the shelf.

    Once you ponder all the hands that work to provide you that opportunity, you begin to develop more appreciation for even the simplest of things.

    3. Next time you’re stopped at a red light, take the time to breathe deeply, filling your lungs and emptying them completely.

    Count how many of these you can do during a stoplight. As you breathe, look around and notice what is around you. What are others doing? What are their stories?

    You’ll be surprised at how much easier it becomes to accept a green light that just turned red.  No longer will you feel rage at being hindered, but you may even begin to anticipate your next opportunity to stop and reflect.

    4. Next time your phone rings, resist the urge to answer.

    Let it ring a couple of times as you collect your thoughts and prepare to answer. Think about the person calling. What do they look like? What frame of mind are they in? Even if this is an employee in Sri Lanka calling to collect a debt, what is life like for that person? How many irate Americans have they talked to before you? 

    5. Finally, before bed, take fifteen minutes to sit in silent darkness.

    Take note of everything you experience, from the sound of a fan to the sensation of your backside against whatever you are sitting on. Breathe slowly and deeply, allowing yourself to let go and simply be. You’ll be amazed at how well you sleep after this!

    Each of these trainings is designed to cultivate the act of being intentionally focused on the events of the moment as they unfold and to accept them without judgment.

    Becoming mindfully present is a miracle, but an attainable one, and one we can all experience, each and every day, surrounded by the ones we love.

  • Knowing Better and Doing Better: How Are You Fortunate?

    Knowing Better and Doing Better: How Are You Fortunate?

    Enjoying the Day

    “Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot.” ~Hausa Proverb

    Gratitude, the level of gratitude that one has, varies greatly by person. You have those that are grateful for every single thing in their lives, and those that know what the word means on paper yet never practice it in their own lives.

    Then you have so many others (like myself), I call them the “in-betweeners.” We are grateful for so much but often forget this because life takes over, or so many other things are going on at once that you barely have five minutes to yourself to even drink a glass of water, let alone practice gratitude.

    And so you continue on in your day and life with thoughts and good intentions to give back more to those who are unfortunate or volunteer more—and then it doesn’t happen.

    I can vouch for this; I did this all the time. I meant well and really did want to help others, yet life takes over.

    As I ate my lunch at my desk, mindlessly reading a celebrity gossip blog, I came across something in passing. This one blogger in particular was rallying all of her followers to support her for an event she was taking part in that would help support homeless youth.

    As I read further, I came to see that this event was a sleep out, where she would sleep on the street and experience homelessness firsthand. I’m not sure why exactly, but I promised that if that event ever came to New York City I would do the same—and it did.

    With a day of hesitation that was filled with thoughts of me leaving my children overnight and questioning if I really wanted to do this, I signed up—fast, before I could change my mind.

    And so there I was, rallying my family, friends, and coworkers to help me reach the $1,000 minimum in two short weeks. I never realized how many people would actually support me; I exceeded the minimum by $200.

    Fast forward to the night of the event: I had two sick children at home and felt guilty for leaving them, but still, I walked into this event on my own without knowing a soul there.

    The organization had a schedule for the evening prior to the sleep out, when we got to meet some of the kids that we were helping that night. I met some of the most amazing kids that I have ever encountered.

    These people have endured and survived so much. Listening to their stories and having them sit directly across from me was life changing. I now had a face to associate with homeless youth and, in some instances, their homeless children.

    I heard stories of sleeping near a hospital for fear of giving birth on the streets, finding their own mother dead at the age of 16, and leaving adoptive parents that abused them and suffering a stroke at the age of 18, due to stress.

    The life experiences of these kids cannot compare to so many of us, and yet I felt so connected and privileged to be able to help them in any way.

    After our meetings, we retreated to the sidewalk that we would be sleeping on, which emulated what so many face nightly. We got our cardboard boxes, sleeping bag, and trash bag for insulation and laid down to sleep.

    And that is when it happened—my “aha” moment. As I laid there among strangers who were all doing this for the same cause, it hit me: I am more than fortunate! I have healthy children, a loving husband, a warm bed that is ours, a refrigerator that, thankfully, is filled with food, a home—the list goes on and on.

    These are things that I have almost have come to expect, yet they are not owed to any of us.

    My entire perspective changed. How dare I complain about not having those shoes I saw at some store or that the grocery store didn’t have the one item I needed or whatever thing it is that annoyed me and wasted my time.

    I see things differently, because from this experience I am different now. I am more mindfully grateful for everything, and in turn I have seen the beauty in so much that I have missed before.

    I am a new person on the inside. I am grateful and more determined to make the time I am given much more meaningful. Now that I know better, I need to do better.

    This event was just the start for me. I am actively looking for new and inventive ways to give back.

    Look around and be grateful for the smallest things. Once you become more mindful of it, your world starts to change.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • Slow Down: Join the Stillness Revolution for More Peace and Joy

    Slow Down: Join the Stillness Revolution for More Peace and Joy

    Slow Down

    “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    I recently treated myself to a retreat in the mountains, with the intention of pulling out of the busyness of every day life so that I could spend time healing and in reflective writing.

    Setting off, I anticipated an easy drive as traffic looked light, but when I reached the mountain pass, I experienced something I had never experienced before:

    I was completely blind to my surroundings.

    In fact, I realized I had driven into the clouds themselves, engulfed by a pure white energy.

    Not fog. Not mist. Just pure white.

    For a moment, I was gripped by fear, as one of my recurring dreams involves me speeding around steep, curvy roads until I lose control and drive completely off the edge.

    But I noticed the fearful energy quick enough to rein it back in and surrender to the beauty of what I was experiencing.

    In order for me to surrender without fear of driving over the edge (or into another car), I had to slow down and become hyper present and aware.

    Slow down. Be still.

    Creeping along at two miles an hour, I quickly recognized the message the universe was sending me through my experience on that mountain pass that day, and it reignited a passion in me to share this message with you.

    Our lives seem to travel at warp speeds these days, with our minds taking in and spewing out information faster than we can keep up with, and our bodies running ragged with the intention to get up early and stay up late in order to get it all done.

    Everything around us screams, “Go, go, go” not “slow, slow, slow.” Modern society simply doesn’t promote this kind of “radical” behavior.

    So it’s going to take rebels like you and me to fuel this stillness revolution.

    Yes, I wrote “rebel” because you are going against the stream, and you are most certainly going to feel a little “different” in doing so.

    Your own ego might even resist the very idea of a stillness revolution—rejecting it as being ridiculous, unreasonable, and completely insensible.

    Here’s the response from my higher self to that ego doubt (and trust me, my ego is shouting it too).

    What if creating a more peaceful and more joyful life means taking actions that seem a bit ridiculous, unreasonable, and insensible?

    There is an exercise I use that might shift your perspective called “When I’m 92.”

    You can read the below and then close your eyes to really practice the meditation or you can simply follow along now with your eyes open.

    Take 3 conscious breaths to settle back into your body and into the now.

    Imagine yourself lying in a bed in the hospital when you’re 92 years old.

    You are surrounded by love—loving doctors and nurses and most of all, your loving family

    You’ve lived an amazing life and you are filled with gratitude for all of the experiences you’ve had.

    Your 32-year-old grand-daughter, a self-proclaimed “workaholic,” rushes in, apologizing for running late, and explaining she only has about 15 minutes to stay, as she really must get back to another meeting.

    Your 92-year-old self smiles at her and radiates peace and love around her busy energy.

    She sits down and takes your frail hand, softening and opening to receive.

    The wisdom flows through you to her, as you say:

    “My beautiful grandchild, if there is one piece of wisdom I can leave with you before my soul returns to the light, it’s this:

    Slow down and be still.

    Every single moment that you spend in a space of stillness will be worthwhile and make your life richer than you could have ever thought possible.”

    Take a conscious breath—and now imagine you have become the 32-year-old granddaughter.

    As that young and busy soul, receive the energy of these words and absorb the meaning into your very core.

    Allow yourself this stillness as you’re in this meditative space right now to begin cultivating the practice of stillness in your every day life.

    When your intuition tells you that the exercise is complete, send gratitude to your higher self and 92-year-old self, then bring yourself back to this conscious moment with another easy breath (and gently blink your eyes open if they were closed).

    Take out your journal, or just a piece of paper if you don’t have a journaling practice, and free write how grounded and peaceful you felt during the above exercise.

    Allow your intuition to guide you to choose one action you can take to support your own stillness revolution.

    Perhaps, like me, you want to formally create the space for an extended period of slowing down and being still by scheduling a retreat in nature?

    Or maybe you want to begin with a simpler practice such as writing the words “Slow Down and Be Still” on a post-it note and putting it up on your car dashboard so that it can remind you of this wisdom as you hustle to and fro?

    The specific action isn’t as important as simply taking any action, so choose one and share in the comments below how you are going to slow down and play your part in the stillness revolution!

    Photo by N I C O L A

  • A 4-Step Plan to Deal with Even the Toughest Challenge

    A 4-Step Plan to Deal with Even the Toughest Challenge

    Standing in the Rain

    “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change.” ~Wayne Dyer

    Everything in life is perception. How you perceive life depends on the things and people that have influenced you: school, society, friends, family, TV. So, you may think something is bad or good, but in reality it is neither. You were taught to perceive it the way you do.

    One person might see money as the root of all evil, while another might see it as something wonderful that can be used to help others and create opportunities. Two different perceptions of the same thing that are only based on what they have been taught to believe.

    What does this have to do with dealing with problems, you may wonder? Well, the way you react to problems has also been taught to you. And by changing the way you perceive them, you will be able to deal much more efficiently with any problem that comes on your path.

    A New Way of Dealing with Challenges

    This “new” way of looking at challenges is actually thousands of years old and was taught by great masters such as Lao Tzu and the Buddha himself. By learning this technique you’ll be able to deal with the most difficult challenges, while at the same time not letting them affect your inner peace.

    This technique will also increase your level of happiness and confidence, allowing you to live a good and joyful life, regardless of your circumstances.

    The 4 Steps for Dealing with a Difficult Challenge

    1. Accept and let go.

    Accept your life as it is now. It doesn’t matter how many or what kind of challenges you are facing. See them as opportunities for growth. This way there is no point in feeling bad about them anymore. They are here to help you.

    Accept yourself as you are now. You may have flaws, you may have made mistakes that have contributed to the situation you are in now, but that is not important. Let go of your past and forgive yourself. All that counts is what you do in this moment!

    Let go of your fears, stress, and frustrations toward this situation and the people involved, even if you think someone else is to blame for your situation. Feeling anger or hatred toward this person will only (negatively) affect yourself.

    How do you accept and let go of things? With a simple exercise called meditation. After four years of daily meditation I can vouch for the fact that it is a very effective tool for getting rid of stress, negativity, frustration, and anything else that is not serving you. Learning to meditate is the biggest gift you can give yourself.

    2. Observe and decide.

    Observe the situation without letting your emotions take over. You are now able to analyze the situation by just looking at the facts. (This is a lot easier than it sounds when you have a regular meditation practice.)

    Decide what the best approach is for this situation and create a plan of action.

    3. Face your fears and take action.

    Tackling your challenges usually includes facing one or more fears. You can try to avoid facing your fears, but at some point they will circle back into your life and you’ll have to face them again. You can ignore fear, but you can’t escape it.

    Learn to be courageous and deal with it once and for all. Being courageous doesn’t mean you become fearless. Everybody experiences fear. It’s just that courageous people are the ones who are brave enough to constantly face their fears.

    On YouTube there is a Will Smith interview in which he states: “If something frightens me, I have to do it. I will not let it control me!”

    Taking action is the most important step in this whole process. It is also the step where most people get stuck. But by creating the right mindset this becomes a lot easier. Because the emotions that usually frighten you and maybe even paralyze you will no longer have any effect on you, or the effect will be greatly reduced.

    4. Practice gratitude.

    You may label problems as such because dealing with them takes you out of your comfort zone. Dealing with them in the correct manner means you are growing as a person. So, learn to be grateful for the challenges in your life, because they make you stronger.

    How I Used This Mindset to Get Out of Debt

    About five years ago I was a recovering drug addict with a ton of debt. As an addict I continuously spent more money than I made. I thought quitting drugs would solve this problem, but it didn’t. I actually kept getting into more debt. At one point it finally got so bad that I had to do something about it.

    This was around the time I met my mentor, and with his help I learned to let go of the frustration and other negative emotions surrounding this whole situation. He helped me see things from a different perspective.

    I realized that I had stopped using drugs, but that I had not dealt with the cause of my drug abuse. Because of that I had replaced my addiction with a bunch of new ones: fast food, alcohol, and other stuff that would make me forget about my worries.

    He helped me see that a lot my problems were related to my relationship with myself. I blamed myself for all the misery in my life and I had such little faith in myself that I did not believe I could succeed at anything. After all, I had failed at so many things already.

    Seeing myself slide down a downward spiral and not believing that I had the power to turn this around triggered a lot of anxiety inside of me. And that was why I had all these addictions. They helped me escape from the real world and gave me “instant joy.”

    So, to get control over my finances (and my life) again, I had to let go of the anger, blame, and frustration toward myself. Daily meditation exercises are what helped me with this. Meditation helped me replace these feelings with love, confidence, and inner peace.

    Once I started to love myself again, I was able to be grateful for all these issues I had been faced with. They had contributed to the person I was at that time and I liked that person. I was stronger and more confident than ever, and these things I first perceived as problems helped me get there.

    In the next few months, I made a lot of progress and was able to quit drinking and overeating. I learned to manage my budget responsibly; I automated my monthly payments; and from then on, didn’t even give my financial situation a single thought. I just focused on my abundance and my inner peace instead. It took me years to pay off this debt, but it didn’t keep me from enjoying my life!

    This is a process that takes some time to learn. I didn’t get it right the first time either. Some things are easier to deal with than others. But if you take the time to get in the right mindset and learn to let go of the negative things in your life, you will be able to live a life of happiness and joy, regardless of your circumstances.

    Photo by -merce-

  • When Love Is Not Enough: 4 Tips for a Strong Relationship

    When Love Is Not Enough: 4 Tips for a Strong Relationship

    “Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience and two people who truly want to be together.” ~JnK Davis

    My husband and I were going through a difficult time a few years ago. It felt like a pivotal time in our relationship. People say that marriage isn’t easy and you have your ups and downs. Well, we were definitely experiencing a low point.

    We had been together for several years; we had been high school sweethearts and were each other’s best friends.

    During this time we had several issues going on in our life, one of which was my husband being out of work, and suffering with anxiety, depression, and a lack of self-esteem and confidence as a result. Our relationship was in a bad place and we were being tested.

    We were not spending any quality time together, nor were we going out together as a couple (my husband didn’t want to face anyone, including friends and family).

    We didn’t feel like each other’s friends, let alone the lovers and best friends we had grown to be. At times we even felt like strangers—or even worse, each other’s enemies. We were forever fighting, bickering, and whining at each other.

    After a lot of heartache and many heated arguments, we realized we could no longer go on like this. When we stopped to analyze the situation, we asked ourselves several questions:

    Did we still love each other? Did we still want to be married? Had everything changed so much that we just couldn’t work things out?

    Once we decided we wanted to be in our marriage, we each made a commitment to start treating each other differently.

    We hoped that, with a new perspective and our mutual love and respect for each other, we could start working together and make the change we so desperately needed. We hoped that a change in attitude and behavior would salvage our marriage.

    The following four elements became very critical in our relationship and led to us saving our marriage, as well as making it stronger for the future.

    1. Communication.

    During this rough period we stopped communicating clearly. It’s funny how, as human beings, we withdraw from each other when there is a sign of trouble or misunderstanding.

    We decided to consciously work on our communication. We spoke in “I” statements rather than “you” statements.

    We expressed how we felt rather than blaming a situation on the other person. “I” statements work because they show how you feel, whereas “you” statements create a sense of accusation and blame.

    This helped us be open with how we felt, stopped us from shutting each out, and allowed us to talk about our issues in a productive and efficient way.

    2. Appreciation.

    We were feeling a lot of resentment toward each other, and not feeling loved and appreciated, so we put in place a daily appreciation diary. Keeping a personal gratitude journal is a great asset; it makes you focus on the positive in your life and leads to happiness.

    Keeping a gratitude diary as a couple had the same benefits and gave us hope. It forced us to focus on the positives of the day and not just the negative events or what the other person did or didn’t say. It made us appreciate the other person and see them for the person we fell in love with.

    It also made us feel good to be acknowledged and appreciated for what we had done on a daily basis. It helped to hear the other person say thank you, even though we were being thanked for doing our expected roles—me, for going to work full time and my husband, for taking over the home duties.

    It was important for us to hear the gratitude from the other person so we didn’t feel like we were being taken for granted.

    3. Quality time as a couple.

    It was also helpful for us to schedule quality time with each other—getting out of the house and spending time together away from all the issues of our life; taking the step back and just being with each other.

    It’s important to set some time aside to just be a couple; spend quality time together regularly, but especially during hard times. This doesn’t need to involve money; just a walk down the park together or along the beach will help. Just taking yourself out of your home environment will be beneficial.

    We enjoyed each other’s company once again and started to feel more happiness as a couple.

    4. Showing love as the other person wants to receive it.

    We both still loved each other, but didn’t really feel that we were loved. I’ve read books and articles about how people receive and give love differently. Your partner may not perceive love in the same way as you; and remember, someone’s perception is their reality.

    How your partner receives your love is important. You can’t assume the other person knows that you love them.

    For myself, I feel loved when people spend quality time with me, making the effort to talk to me and listen. My husband, on the other hand, receives love by affirmations, people giving him compliments and positive statements.

    With this in mind we made an effort to show each other love in ways that we knew would make each other feel loved on a regular basis.

    By doing all of this we started to feel like we were in a loving marriage and that weren’t battling through our difficult life on our own. We had each other there for the support we needed. 

    We look back on this time as a lesson learned. We feel proud that we got through it and grateful that our relationship is stronger. We faced the challenge and came out on top.

    We now practice these simple things every day to grow together and maintain a good and loving relationship.

    We can be confident that by using these simple techniques, we can face the many challenges life throws at us together, such as having a miscarriage last year and our ongoing quest to start our own family.

    If you are fortunate enough to share your life with someone you love, then you owe it to yourself and your partner to make an effort every day in your relationship.

    They say love conquers all and that all you need is love, but unfortunately a solid relationship needs more than that. It requires being there for each other, showing support, feeling loved, being grateful that you are sharing your lives together, and above all, showing your appreciation every day.

    Photo by Jeanne

  • The Blessings in Disguise We Don’t Realize We’ve Received

    The Blessings in Disguise We Don’t Realize We’ve Received

    Looking

    “The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings” ~Henry Ward Beecher

    I’m a calm person by nature, but like everybody else, there are a few things that get my blood, at the very least, simmering. One of them used to be inconveniences.

    Our daily lives are filled with delays, missed opportunities, setbacks, and outright nuisances. It happens to us all.

    Missing a bus and being late for work. Being locked out of the house for four hours when you have an urgent exam to prepare for, with all your notes on the other side of the door. Having your new, shiny Blackberry slip out of your pocket on the bus and only realizing half an hour after stepping off.

    Yes, these have specifically happened to me. And there’s plenty more where they came from too.

    They may not seem like the end of the world, because of course, they aren’t. But at the time, they always feel like a big deal and they always happen at the worst possible time. Right on cue, I suppose.

    A few years ago while in my second year at university in my home city, London, I experienced a small inconvenience that made me change my outlook altogether. That academic year, I had taken up a language class, but rather than being at my usual campus in London Bridge, it was at the Strand.

    I would take the Underground to my evening Arabic class at the Strand campus every Thursday. I took the same route from London Bridge every week. And on my journey home, I would go via the renowned Victoria train station every week at exactly the same time. (more…)

  • You Are Worthy of Receiving: 10 Things to Let into Your Life

    You Are Worthy of Receiving: 10 Things to Let into Your Life

    Let Light In

    “Happiness is really a deep inner satisfaction and approval” ~Francis Wiltshire

    At the start of the year many of us make resolutions about what we want to give up, what we need to let go—from quitting smoking (did that 20+ years ago), to cutting back on alcohol (a work in progress), to cutting back on not-so-healthy foods (also in progress), to letting go of past “demons.”

    There’s a lot to be gained by letting go of past pain, by breaking bad habits. But what if we thought more in terms of what we might welcome into our lives—what we might be open to receiving?

    Even diet companies cash in on this positive psychology. Don’t talk of losing weight, but gaining health; think of eating a delicious salad rather than sacrificing that block of chocolate.

    But how often do we convince ourselves that we must do all the hard work of letting go and giving up before we are worthy to receive?

    I’ve always been better at giving than receiving, so when it comes to letting go and letting in, I’ve focused on what I needed to give up, to let go, the work I needed to do in order to be better.

    I’ve put the pressure on myself to self-heal rather than asking for help. I haven’t always been open to receiving compassion and love, since I wasn’t sure I deserved them.

    And conversely, I’ve given more and more of myself in the hopes I might thus be worthy of receiving, which is not genuine giving anyway.

    I did this especially when I was going through infertility, but I still find myself doing it now—making deals with myself to let go of fear, pain, and jealousy and to give more love, understanding, effort, and then surely I’ll be deserving of what I want.

    The letting go proves you are strong and the giving proves you are good—don’t they? (more…)

  • 7 Tips to Love Where You Are Right Now

    7 Tips to Love Where You Are Right Now

    Smiling Woman Outside

    “Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.” ~Margaret B Runbeck

    It had been months since I’d gotten a good night’s sleep.

    I’d wake up gasping from bad dreams throughout the night, and I’d feel an immediate knot in my stomach as soon as it was time to get up and face the day.

    When the morning beckoned, all I wanted to do was hide under the covers.

    But even when hiding from the physical world, my thoughts could still find me, belaboring on in an incessant stream of “have-tos” and “should-bes.”

    I’d wake up feeling guilty about all the things I hadn’t done the day before, and overwhelmed by the mounting goals that still loomed before me.

    I’d roll out of bed and go straight to the computer, with a frazzled and weary mind, to start attempting to do all the work that all those thoughts kept reminding me about.

    My work was stressing me out to the point where I felt depressed, always anxious, and completely unhappy with where I was in my life.

    If you looked at it all on paper, you might have thought I was living a pretty awesome life: married to my best friend, living in a town I adore in a great little house that we own, successfully self-employed for more than five years, with the freedom to decide how I want to spend my time each day.

    Problem was, I wasn’t present enough to truly enjoy any of it. Instead, I was stuck in my head, wrapped up in a big ball of expectation.

    Caught in a spiral of all the things I had to do so I could be who I should have been, I forgot about the things I wanted to do so I can be who I am.

    I felt jealous of where others were in comparison, weighed down by self-doubt that I wasn’t good enough to accomplish all the things I wanted, and so scrambled, with my energy dispersed into too many things at once.

    Then, I went and saw Ms. Renee, an empath who could see right through me.

    She could see the anxiety, overwhelm, and self-imposed burdens that I had created. She reminded me that I needed to take care of myself in order to have the energy to do this work, and that all I had to do to get out of my head was to get into my body.

    I came home with a whole new attitude and belief in myself, and got dedicated to making some real shifts in my life.

    I made it a priority to meditate regularly, exercise, and get my veggies. I changed course with my business to escape the stressful elements and get closer to what my heart really wanted all along. (more…)

  • How to Find Happiness Through Gratitude When Life Gets Hard

    How to Find Happiness Through Gratitude When Life Gets Hard

    “In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” ~Brother David Steindl-Rast

    In the summer of 1993, my father was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor.

    He was only fifty-eight. Still just a kid.

    This was a devastating development, to say the least. Things had already been challenging for my family for several years before this blow.

    Dad had lost his corporate banking job in Boston—quite unjustly, in our view—kicking off a nearly three-year-long bout of unemployment.

    This was not an easy time for our family, but we pulled together in the ways we were able and never gave up hope.

    No matter how tough things became (moving three times in three years, for instance), I was always exceedingly grateful that my parents were who they were: devoted to each other and their three kids (I am the eldest), honest, loyal, sensible, and smart.

    I was also grateful that they were crazy supportive of our dreams, no matter how big they happen to be.

    In 1987, I moved to New York at age eighteen to start my modeling career with a major agency. This was in lieu of college, I might add.

    “Aren’t your parents worried?” my friends would ask, slightly marveling.

    “No, they know how important this is to me,” I responded.

    I’m sure they were concerned, but they never let it show.

    In addition, they were willing to go to the mat for us, for our educations, our comfort, and domestic stability.

    There may have been cracks in the castle walls at times, but never its foundation. (more…)

  • How We Appreciate Life More When We Stop Making Assumptions

    How We Appreciate Life More When We Stop Making Assumptions

    “Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” ~Marianne Williamson

    Our 12th floor apartment overlooks Cape Town’s city bowl and harbor. The view is such that even on overcast days I’m drawn to the window each morning to breathe it in.

    There’s a sense of being both a part of the world and entirely removed from it when you’re that high up.

    It’s how I move through my life too; I’m either immersed in it or off on my own. This contrary nature is not without its challenges, especially when I’m called upon to be one thing when I’m clearly feeling another.

    It’s precisely these moments, however, where if I lean forward in spite of my reluctance, that growth occurs.

    That’s what happened to me the other morning. I was at the window enjoying the view when I noticed a man lying on the narrow concrete island that separates the two lanes of the busy road below.

    His appearance led me to believe he was down on his luck, most likely homeless. I watched as he tried to pull himself into a sitting position. After a few attempts, he eventually gave up and just lay down on his back.

    Cape Town has its share of street people, a lot of them with obvious substance abuse issues. As a result, whenever I see someone lying on the ground, I immediately assume they’re passed out from drinking too much.

    Watching this man below, I figured him for a drunk too. It’s not a judgment call; alcoholism is an illness like any other. I’m simply pointing out how quick I was to pigeonhole him, and from 12 stories up no less.

    Ordinarily, I would simply have gone on with my day, but something compelled me to call the city’s emergency number and ask them to send help. I’m not sure why.

    Maybe it was because the man was lying precariously close to a drop that would land him squarely in the face of oncoming traffic if he fell. I don’t know—all I can say is that, in this instance anyway, I couldn’t ignore the fact that a fellow human being needed help. (more…)

  • Being Grateful for the Imperfect Present

    Being Grateful for the Imperfect Present

    “If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” ~Oprah Winfrey

    I live in an old house.

    It is 212 years old this year, to be exact.

    We’ve added onto it over the years so it presents itself as more youthful than its age. The old bones remain, though, as well as many of the quirks. Those “quirks” give it character, right? It’s much like my emerging crow’s feet give my face character.

    That’s the positive spin on crow’s feet, at least.

    We have uneven floors, to the point where most of our furniture is shimmed, and shimmed-like-crazy. Without it, our mantle would tip to such a degree that it would seem that we are on the sinking Titanic.

    When our kids were young, they could sit on a wee scooter, lift their legs, and coast backward through two rooms. (Insta-fun!)

    We have asymmetrical moldings and strange gaps. When we first moved into our home, I was attempting to fill a gap in the wood on the stairs with caulk; it shot straight through the stair and into the basement.

    I think I unloaded about half the tube before it started to fill. Probably should have just gone with a new piece of wood.

    We joke that ours is the “House That Caulk Built.”

    We have different varieties of wood for floors, and those floors creak to the point that, when our cat walks upstairs, it sounds like a human instead. There are gaps around the doors because nothing is level, and the rooms don’t have overhead lights in most cases (save for the kitchen, dining room. and bathrooms). Floor lamps and table lamps illuminate our indoor world.

    But the kitchen. The kitchen. The heart of the home.

    It is the size of most people’s walk-in closets. There is a lack of counter space, not enough outlets (I mentioned that already, didn’t I?) and it’s just too small, small, small.

    The unfortunate thing is that I love to cook. I spend the majority of my days in the kitchen and go there for play (so to speak), as well.  (more…)

  • Moving on from a Mistake: 5 Tips to Relieve Your Pain

    Moving on from a Mistake: 5 Tips to Relieve Your Pain

    “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    We all make mistakes, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that when we’re in the midst of them. We try to avoid them at all costs because the pain and price can be high.

    It can cost us our jobs, our reputations, or our driving records.

    In their election ads, political candidates often focus on their opponents’ negative aspects in order to make us vote for them instead. It’s almost as if we’re voting for the person least likely to mess up.

    My boyfriend and I used to make jokes about the negative ads because we know they’re ridiculous; we know that they are half-truths and lies.

    We’re always going to make mistakes, so I think the most important thing is to focus on our intentions and moral compasses. We can try to do our best, but we will never be perfect.

    Just think about watching a gymnast slip off the balance beam at the Olympics. It’s so painful to watch! We know that she’s trained her entire life, hours upon hours every day to get there—and now she’s messed up!

    We wonder to ourselves, how will she ever get over that mistake? Will it plague her thoughts for the rest of her life? It almost makes us glad we’re not in her shoes.

    No matter how hard we practice, we will occasionally trip up. And we have to accept that.

    We have to somehow pick up the pieces after that painful reminder of our humanity and fallibility. We have to piece together our egos and deal with a varying array of emotions.

    And the emotions can vary greatly when our egos have been bruised. We can be mad at ourselves for making the mistake. We can feel upset with others because they judge us.

    We all want to be accepted and loved, and mistakes can make us feel unlovable and flawed. We forget that everyone’s been there before and will be there again.

    I’ve made many mistakes in my life. One time, I got into a wreck because I turned at an intersection too soon. The sun blinded me at sunset and I wasn’t wearing heavy-duty sunglasses.

    As a result, another car sideswiped me. I sat there crying, upset at what had just happened. How was I going to tell my parents? What were they going to say to me?

    Although no one was physically hurt, the pain lingered in my heart. I blamed myself and carried around that weight for weeks. My car was totaled and I had to drive my parents’ car to and from work each day.

    I felt like a failure. My insurance rates went up. My driving record was tarnished.

    I was scared to drive. But then I reminded myself of a few things that helped me get some perspective. (more…)

  • The Zen of Writing: 7 Lessons About Living Wisely

    The Zen of Writing: 7 Lessons About Living Wisely

    “Logic will take you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.” ~Albert Einstein

    I feel grateful to be a writer not only because I love to write, but also because writing has been one of my greatest spiritual teachers. Challenges I face as a writer teach me important life lessons, just as life teaches me lessons I can apply to my writing.

    Here are seven spiritual lessons I’ve learned—some the hard way—that can apply to writing and to life in general.

    1. Be mindful.

    Showing up—really showing up with all your attention—is the first and most important step to writing well. The same might be said of living well—that is, living deeply and fully. Before all else, it’s a matter of showing up and being in the moment.

    You can’t expect to write well if you interrupt your writing process to surf the Internet or if your mind wanders to any number of things—usually thoughts that have to do with the past or the future, not the present.

    Just as you can’t expect to write well unless you bring your attention to the task at hand—the one sentence you’re writing—you can’t expect to be fully alive if your mind wanders away from the present moment.

    When you’re folding laundry, when you’re reading to your child, when you’re walking the dog, when you’re writing a sentence, that should be the only thing that matters.

    2. Take things one day at a time.

    You can’t write a novel in one day. You put in one day of mindful work, then another, then another, and the result—sometimes years later—might be a novel.

    While it’s useful to keep long-term goals in mind, getting too far ahead of yourself can stifle you in the present. I used to keep “to do” lists that included things I wouldn’t need to do for weeks and months, until I realized that I was much more peaceful—and productive—when my “to do” list was limited to just one day—the day I was living. (more…)

  • Feeling Gratitude for All the People We Sleep With

    Feeling Gratitude for All the People We Sleep With

    “We are all connected in ways we cannot even begin to fathom. Our lives unfold through each other and within each other.” ~David Rhodes

    I can’t help myself—I love sleeping with people.

    The more the better!

    There’s nothing like crawling between the sheets with a lot of people. Female. Male. An armload of ethnicities. It’s all good!

    Hey, don’t look at me like I should be ashamed of myself, because I’m not!

    Besides, I know you do it, too.  And you probably love it just as much as I do.

    You think you know what I’m talking about, but I guarantee you’re wrong. (Quick lesson: assumptions are not good!)

    See, what I’m talking about is the thousands (yes, thousands) of people it takes to create the beds we sleep in.

    There are the people who extract the iron ore from the earth and…

    …the people who ship the ore to…

    …the mill workers who separate the iron from the slag and then make the angle iron for the bed frame.

    There are the people who grow the cotton that will eventually be made into sheets and pillowcases.

    There are the people who make dyes, who in turn rely on…

    …the people who create the proper chemicals with petroleum or coal which, of course, is the fruit of…

    …the labor of people who drill for oil or mine for coal.

    There are the loggers who cut the trees that will become headboards and footboards…

    I could go on and on and on!

    And all those people represent only a few of the bed’s components! (more…)

  • How to Turn Pain to Joy: 11 Tips for a Powerful Gratitude Journal

    How to Turn Pain to Joy: 11 Tips for a Powerful Gratitude Journal

    “Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot” ~Hausa Proverb

    In my early, dark days of first acquiring a disability, I didn’t feel I had an awful lot to be thankful for.

    It was like I had spent my whole life getting to the point where I had a thriving holistic therapy practice I loved, an amazing social life with great friends, and my beautiful dog, who I would regularly take into the country for long walks and my adrenaline pumping exercise routine.

    Life was perfect. I had so much to be grateful for, but then it was suddenly snatched away.

    I was left with constant pain, immobility, and three children who I felt I couldn’t care for properly. So what did I have to be grateful for, right?

    Well, I was alive, yes. Some people may say that’s enough, but they are probably either people not dealing with chronic pain on a daily basis or those with a far more positive mindset than I had at that time.

    I thought back to all the advice I had given to my therapy clients over the years on healing emotional pain and moving forward, but even though I knew it worked from the positive feedback I’d received, I couldn’t apply it to myself.

    The problem was that I was very good at talking it, but, as I had always felt good about my life, I had never actually had to put it into practice.

    The previous ten years had been the best I had ever experienced, and I was naturally appreciative of all I had. After my accident, appreciativeness soon turned to hurt, anger, self-pity, and eventually self-loathing.

    I caused myself more pain by resisting the enforced lifestyle change and couldn’t see a purpose in anything. It was at this point I knew I had to make a change.

    I looked at the handout sheets I had previously given to clients (practical tips for living a positive life), and since I love writing, gratitude journaling seemed to be an obvious starting point.

    That night I sat with my journal, intending to start with three things I was grateful for that day. Just three. Piece of cake, right? After an hour, I gently closed the cover on the tear-stained, still blank first page and cried myself to sleep, mentally adding “failure at journaling” to all my other perceived shortcomings. (more…)