Tag: gift
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Why You Should Stop Looking for Your Purpose and What to Do Instead
“The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” ~Pablo Picasso
Twenty years is a long time when you know you’re meant to be doing something, but you don’t quite know what it is or how to go about doing it.
To cut a two-decade story very short, I found the seeds of my purpose when volunteering in a hospital playroom with pediatric cancer patients in Romania one summer when I was twenty years old. And, though I have made many an attempt over the years, I am only now beginning to truly live the purpose I’ve felt a fire for these past two decades.
Purpose anxiety is a common twenty-first century affliction.
So many of us today seem to struggle with this quest of finding our purpose. And then there’s the other side of that search; when you actually find what it is you’re here to do, how do you go about living it? And if you feel called to do something that feels so much bigger than yourself, how do you go about living up to that vision?
I have struggled with both the before and after of finding my purpose. In the end, it took one small change to terminate my two-decade to-and-fro, and to finally start living my purpose Though it might seem such an insignificant detail, what kept me stuck for so long was the word purpose.
Purpose is just a seven-letter word, but it has a huge emotional charge.
Purpose conjures up so many ideas, ideals, shoulds, and fantasies before you even start to consider what yours is. The pressure is on from the get-go. And this pressure isn’t conducive to finding it.
The other thing about the word purpose is that it seems to live outside oneself—like something lost that you have to find. Another commonly used word for purpose is calling. It has the exact same effect. It’s like something is out there somewhere, guiding you to it, and you have to go on a search to find it.
What finally set me free was changing the word purpose to another.
I clearly remember the moment when I made this change in vocabulary and it all just clicked. I was, maybe quite cliché, looking out onto the horizon while walking along the beach and at the same time wrestling with my purpose-related demons.
That day I seemed to see deeper than ever before into my patterns of self-sabotage and self-doubt, my fear of failure, and what failing would mean to my self-worth. And I remembered something I had heard recently about coming at life from the perspective of what we can give instead of what we can get from it.
I realized that the dark clouds of fear and doubt had made me lose sight of the reason I was on this path in the first place. And I knew I had to get back to my purpose roots—to get back to just giving.
The simple word swap was from purpose to gift.
From that very moment I stopped chasing my purpose and started focusing on giving my gift. With such a profound change in my attitude and action from such a simple change in terminology, I started reflecting on how powerful each word was and what shifts in perspective came from the switch.
Here are three lessons I have learned from replacing the word purpose with gift.
1. You finally end that external treasure hunt.
When you change “What’s my purpose?” to “What’s my gift to share with others?”, the magnitude of the question diminishes. Your gifts live within you. You don’t have to look elsewhere to find them.
So it no longer feels like a treasure hunt with no tools; instead, it becomes a realization that a purpose isn’t a mystical calling that visits us one day in a beam of light. It is quite simply a path of giving our gifts to the world.
2. You realize that you don’t need to live just one true purpose.
The trap of looking for our purpose is that we assume it’s just one big treasure chest that we are on a voyage for.
When I made this subtle change in vocabulary, I suddenly saw that not only did I know what my gift was, but I realized that I had multiple gifts that I wanted to share (including writing). When we look at it as sharing our gifts, we realize that there are so many ways we can live purposefully, and that it can all be part of our purposeful journey through life. So the anxiety of “but is this my true calling?” diminishes.
3. Those feelings of self-doubt or fear around doing something bigger than yourself break away.
Over those twenty years my purpose had taken on a life of its own. If fact, you could say that living my purpose had become my purpose! I had built it up so much in my mind that, in the end, it felt an almost impossibility to make come true. I can’t tell you the number of times I froze at the first hurdle for fear of not living up to the 4D vision I had in my head. I felt incapable of bringing my purpose to life.
But the day I flipped purpose on its head and started seeing it as merely sharing my gift with others, I instantly knew that I was so very capable of that. And the fear, self-doubt, cold feet, and self-sabotaging all just seemed to fade.
So for anyone reading this who identifies as a purpose-seeker, I invite you to try being a gift-giver instead.
Because after all, the point of purpose is to live it, not look for it.
What gifts do you have to share with the world?
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How I Found the Gift in My Pain and Let Go of Resentment
“Change is inevitable, growth is intentional.” ~Glenda Cloud
How much time slips by when you’re living in the pain of resentment? Do you ever question if your bitterness has held you back from living your true destiny? Is blaming everyone else sabotaging your life and future?
It’s only now that I can admit to the years I wasted pointing the finger at everyone else. It was easier for me to say it was their fault than accept responsibility for my own decisions. For me, attaining perfection was validation of my success. If it wasn’t achievable, then it was obviously someone else’s fault.
Until one day, I took the time to watch the Tony Robbins’ documentary movie, Guru, for the second time. Amazing when you watch something again or read a book twice, you get something different out of it.
There was a young girl struggling with the lack of love she received from her drug-addicted father. After admitting that it was her father’s love she craved the most, Tony Robbins led her to a breakthrough perspective.
He told her if you are going to blame him for everything that went wrong, like not being Daddy’s girl, then don’t forget to blame him for making you a strong woman too. He reminded her that she was allowed to blame him for not being around but not to forget to blame him for teaching her how to cope at such a young age.
Suddenly, I felt a shift within me. I connected to the anger deep within me, and somehow it no longer felt so heavy. What was happening? Unexpectedly, I realized the pain of my resentment was actually a gift.
I have carried a lot of emotional weight in my heart, some of which still remains. My heaviness is rooted in childhood memories of hurt and confusion. At the blissful age of eleven, just when I thought life was pretty safe and stable, I had the rug ripped out from underneath of me.
Infidelity and unfaithfulness had crept into our home and turned everything upside down. Everything I knew faded away as my mother threw his things around, screaming and crying. She was so emotional, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. Her anger was wrapped up in sadness as she packed up all of my father’s belongings into black trash bags.
One by one out the door, like little pieces of my heart that she was just bagging up and throwing out. She set them out on our front lawn, and I stood there grieving.
She didn’t see the little girl in the corner crying along with her. Someone forgot the little soul who was being traumatized by these big emotions. No one stopped the chaos for a minute to realize my heart was breaking too. My memories of Christmas traditions and Saturdays at the grocery store never came back.
Everything changed, and I hated this new life.
From then on, everyone always seemed sad around me. I recall listening to my grandmother try to comfort my mother as she wept in her bedroom for weeks. I can still see the shame in my father’s face as he came and visited us every once in a while.
The raw vulnerability and pure helplessness I felt during those years were probably the most painful parts. The sense of being abandoned and left with all these intense emotions to deal with was so demanding. The pressure of trying to figure things out with no sense of direction left me with an underlying sense of unhappiness all the time.
It was then a seed of undeniable pain was planted. I would spend years nurturing this seed like it was my life’s purpose.
Growing up, I appeared to be okay with the change, but the days of confusion were simply endless for me. My new normal was abnormal, and the finality of the chaos ended when I accepted the idea that my parents would never get back together.
My mother was left trying to hold it all together, and it was a struggle to watch over the years. For the sake of her children and with the little strength she had left, I watched her work tirelessly to preserve the memory of a good life.
Despite her dedication to her children, the inevitable happened: Her little children grew up. We created our own version of our childhood memories, and our seeds of hurt began to bloom.
It’s a shame how pain, resentment, and fear have a way of spreading like wildfire within us. It shows up in the friends we hang out with, the partners we choose, and the weaknesses that destruct us.
When things fall apart, it’s hard to think clearly, let alone follow a path of success. It’s far easier to point the finger and hand out slips of blame to anyone close to you. But after years of feeling heavy, I was tired. I was ready to let this baggage go.
That evening, I reflected on what Tony Robbins said to the girl: “If you are going to blame people, then blame them for everything.”
This is how I transformed my resentment into gratitude:
If I was hardened by the things I didn’t get as a child, then I must be grateful for the life skills I now possess.
The resourcefulness I’ve gained throughout the years is immeasurable. I don’t say that out of arrogance, but out of pride. I used to resent the lack I grew up with, but now I’m so thankful because it nurtured my resilience. The desire for more fostered an enormous amount of determination within me.
If I blamed my parents for a tough childhood, then I must also thank them for teaching me how to be a great mother.
The insatiable craving to feel loved, noticed, and important gave me the skills to connect with my son on the most fundamental level. I know the value of establishing and maintaining this relationship with him because that’s all I ever wanted growing up, a close connection to my parents.
If I was saddened by the years of confusion in my life, then I must acknowledge the beautiful clarity present in my life now.
The tears shed were not in vain. Instead, they washed away a distinct path for me to travel. I can see the gift of my writing. The dreaded confusion gave birth to my innate ability to connect to others’ pain and articulate what they feel.
If I allowed the pain of my sadness to grow, then I must not forget to appreciate the goodness in my life.
I know what it feels like to be sad, but this led me to experience happiness on a whole new level. I find joy in really simple things, like a good cup of coffee. I can feel bliss when I am with my husband doing absolutely nothing. Most of all, I can live with a sense of true contentment in my life.
If I found fault in everyone for all the things I thought went wrong in my life, then I’m indebted to all these people eternally.
The agony I perceived as targeted was destined to be part of my life. The people I couldn’t forgive, who fostered hate within me, I now love even more. It’s because of them that I now live a fulfilled life with more to come.
You see, this is all part of life’s plan. The people we despise, the rage we harbor, and the bitterness we nurture are actually the tools we need to grow and evolve. The goal of transformation is to gain a higher level of awareness in our lives.
There is no achievement in staying stuck when the goal is to walk through these milestones. The problem does not lie in another person; it’s the fixed perspective you are perpetually protecting. Do not prolong experiencing real joy. Time is fleeting.
Transform your bitterness into sweetness, and your purpose will reveal itself to you. Dig deep, not to find fault in others, but to find the gifts within your soul; therein lies the gift of your pain and the beauty in all that you have suffered.
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10 Ways to Give the Gift of Your Presence (The Best Gift You Can Give)
A couple weeks back I shared a quote on Facebook that really spoke to me:
“A child is going to remember who was there, not what you spent on them. Kids outgrow toys and outfits, but they never outgrow time and love.”
I love this quote because it puts things in perspective, and it’s true not only for kids but for all of us. Sure, shiny things are nice and appreciated, but what we all really want is love, and time with the people who mean most to us.
For those of us who are fortunate, the holidays are all about connecting with family—whether that means the family we were born into, the one we married (or chose not to marry) into, or the one we pieced together with a ragtag group of misfits just like us.
But being with the people we love isn’t the same as being present with the people we love. Especially if we see these people all the time, it’s easy to be there but not.
I know, because I’ve fallen into this trap myself. I’ve listened to my boyfriend talk while wondering about completely random, inconsequential things, like when my favorite show will start up again or whether I should cut my bangs.
Or, on my worst days, I’ve held a full conversation with someone while rehashing painful memories in my head or worrying about the many things I can’t control.
It’s human nature to sometimes do these things, but there’s no denying it can make a huge difference for the people we love when we’re fully present with them, and that presence is the best gift we can give. How can we do that? Read on…
1. Take care of your own needs.
This may seem like an odd start to this list, since the point is to be present with other people. But it’s much more difficult to be present when we’re exhausted, overwhelmed, or deprived of the things we need to function at our best.
I know this from recent experience. For a number of personal reasons, I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and I haven’t been getting as much exercise as usual because I’ve felt so drained.
As a result, every time I talk to someone I have to consciously repeat what they said in my head, because my tired brain often interprets their words as something sounding like the teacher from Peanuts. I also have to resist the urge to be short with them, which, I’m embarrassed to admit, I sometimes do when I feel tired and sluggish.
Especially if you have kids, it might be tough to get a good night’s sleep, tonight in particular. But do what you can to take care of your needs. Eat a healthy breakfast. Get out for a solo walk to clear your head. Set boundaries with people who drain you. As the saying goes, “You can’t give from an empty cup.”
2. Fully listen—even if it’s a story you heard a million times before.
Everyone wants to feel important, seen, and heard. Give your full attention instead of just waiting to talk, even if it’s a story you could repeat verbatim because you’ve heard it many times before.
We often retell the stories that bring us the most joy—or alternatively, rehash the situations that have brought us the most pain.
You don’t have to be an all-day sounding board for repetitive complaints (boundaries, remember?), but it could make a huge difference to lend your ear, your compassion, and your support, even if just for a while.
3. Drop the judgmental story and accept people for exactly how they are in the moment.
I shared a Winnie the Pooh-related meme on Facebook the other day that really resonated with me. The quote reads:
“One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he’s basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all his friends. And they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they just love him anyway, and they never leave him behind or ask him to change.”
Accept the people you love who are depressed. Accept the people you love who struggle with anxiety. Accept the people who can’t seem to get into the holiday spirit, maybe because they’re grieving or coping with a pain they never discuss.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve been all of these people before. And I appreciated the people who didn’t expect anything more than I could be and give.
It’s such a massive weight off our shoulders to know we can simply show up as we are, without pretending or having to justify why we feel how we feel.
4. Talk first, tech later.
These days we’re all essentially living double lives—the one where our feet take us from place to place and the one we’re our hands swipe from dopamine hit to dopamine hit. (For those who are unfamiliar, dopamine is essentially the “feel good” chemical that gets activated when we experience some type of reward—e.g.: social praise.)
I know how seductive tech connection and social media can be, but try to be fully available to the person right in front of you—even if you’re tempted to text other people “Happy holidays!” during a real-life conversation, or post your ugly Christmas sweater pic on Instagram.
As I’ve said before, your texts will be there later, but the person in front of you will not.
5. Don’t be the Ghost of Christmas Past.
If you’re reliving happy Christmas memories, then sure, go for it. But if you’re comparing this year to years past unfavorably, try to let it all go. Especially if you’re feeling bad about what you did last year versus what you did this year.
So what if you gave more expensive gifts last year? No one reflects with a calculator in hand; they remember the love and thoughtfulness. So what if more people showed up last Christmas? Time with anyone you love is precious, whether it’s one, ten, or more.
This is something I’ve had to work on this year. I’ve only missed one Christmas with my family in my entire life, but for personal reasons, I wasn’t able to fly back this year.
Given that this is my favorite annual tradition, I’ve resisted, at times, that I won’t get to join “the ginzo convention,” as our gatherings have been called. (My apologies to any Italians who are offended; we actually find this more endearing than derogatory.)
But this year I’ll be with my boyfriend and his parents. And it will be different but no less wonderful. There will be other Christmases with my family, but this is the only opportunity to appreciate and enjoy this year’s plan.
6. Notice the little things.
When we’re caught up in our heads, dwelling on the past or anticipating the future, or otherwise distracting ourselves from the moment, we miss the details.
You can only compliment your sister’s taste in holiday décor if you look up, look around, and take it all in.
You can only notice your grandmother’s new brooch (or is it only mine who had an impressive gaudy Christmas pin collection?) if you’re not just looking at her but really seeing her too.
We all love compliments, and the best ones come from people who pay enough attention to notice the little things.
7. Let people know their presence matters.
Okay, so this one isn’t really about giving presence but rather appreciating someone else’s. Because really, that’s what this all comes down to—showing people they’re important to us.
As I mentioned, I didn’t go home this year, and my family knows this has weighed on me. So each of them sent me Christmas cards with gift cards inside. My brother sent his with a Disney gift card, because he knows my boyfriend and I are annual pass holders. But that’s not what touched me most.
Inside the card, he wrote, “Not home, but not forgotten.” Cue the waterworks.
Not that I didn’t already know this, but this reinforced that I’m an important part of my family. My presence matters. I matter. I can’t think of a better gift than that.
8. Sing a song, play a game, watch a home video, or do something that becomes a tradition.
I don’t know about you, but I look forward to certain holiday traditions every year, and because these are things that only happen once a year, it’s instinctive to be fully present.
For example, my brother and I watch A Very Brady Christmas—an incredibly cheesy movie that we enjoy nonetheless. And, though this one isn’t an annual tradition, my family and I regularly re-watch one specific home video from my grandmother’s house, from when I was about five.
My sister, cousins, and I all sang songs (mine being Wudolph the Wed-nosed Weindeer—I was five, remember), and my grandmother had us reenact the story of Jesus’ birth, which she narrated.
Though I no longer hold the same religious beliefs, it still touches me to watch this, especially since my grandmother’s now gone.
If you don’t have a holiday tradition, start one now—something everyone will love and look forward to, or love to mock but fully show up for nonetheless.
9. Get people talking about their passions.
While it’s a beautiful thing to give people the gift of your presence, it can be equally beneficial to give them the gift of their presence—and most people find it much easier to be in the moment when they’re talking about something they love.
When someone’s passionate about something, it’s like everything else falls away, kind of like in the movies when the spotlight turns on, the background noise fades, and it’s just the star, the light in their eyes, and they story they can’t not tell.
One of my cousins is really into theater, and she’s in her early twenties, so she’s just coming into her own and figuring out who she wants to be. Whenever she talks about plays or auditions or the many impressive things she’s doing to give this a go, her enthusiasm is magnetic.
And not only does this get her excited, it reminds me to keep pursuing what sets my heart on fire—to keep dreaming, keep trying, and keep filling my life with possibilities. So really, this is a gift we give and a gift we get.
10. If you have trouble being present, just be present with yourself.
Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we struggle to do all the ‘right’ things. I’ve often been hard on myself when I struggle because I want to do everything perfectly. I want to be perfectly considerate. Perfectly open-minded. Perfectly compassionate. Perfectly present.
But we’re only human. Sometimes all these great practices are just plain hard to apply. Sometimes we’re tired, or sick, or overwhelmed, or anxious. Sometimes we can’t let go of the pain someone once caused, or can’t stop thinking about pain that might come.
And I’ve decided that’s okay. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay to briefly be present and then get lost in our head for a bit. It’s okay to accept someone in front of us then judge someone else—so long as we eventually recognize what we’re doing.
All we can really do in these human moments is be aware, accept ourselves as we are, and give ourselves permission to be perfectly imperfect. The best way to get present again is to accept that we sometimes won’t be, let go when we struggle, and then try again.
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Happy holidays everyone—and thank you for your presence here on Tiny Buddha! You make a difference, and you’re appreciated.
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Limited Edition Tiny Buddha “Be the Change” Shirts
Hi friends! Earlier this week I sent an email about the limited edition “Be the Change” shirts, which will be available until November 20th.For those of you who missed that email, here’s a quick recap:
I launched this campaign both to time with the holidays and also to fund a series of mini documentaries I plan to film early next year.
These mini docs will feature inspiring people who are making a positive difference through unique, creative paths. I plan to film these in the spring, in partnership with my co-producer, Ehren Prudhel, and share them shortly after on Tiny Buddha’s social media pages.
If there’s one thing we need right now, it’s a reminder that there’s a lot of good in the world, and that we can all make a tremendous difference by choosing to “be the change.”
You can choose a tee, V-neck, tank, hoodie, or 3/4 sleeve shirt, in sizes XS to 5XL for some styles.
Grab your shirt here, and please share if you think your friends would appreciate this as well!
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Holiday Love Challenge #28: Give Someone a Gift You’ve Considered Returning
Want more ideas to strengthen your relationships? Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.
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Holiday Love Challenge #25: Tell Someone Their Presence Is the Best Gift
Want more ideas to strengthen your relationships? Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.
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The Christmas Gift Experiment
While I don’t agree that presents aren’t for receiving (because someone has to receive in order for someone to give!) I love this joyful little experiment. =)
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Holiday Love Challenge #1: Give the Gift of Your Presence
Want more ideas to strengthen your relationships? Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.
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Let Yourself Receive: You Don’t Have to Put Yourself Last
“Once you get used to people giving to you as much as you give to them and receive all of the benefits of a less stressful life, you will not consider putting yourself last.” ~Amanda Owen
Recently a good friend of mine helped me with a workshop project. She formulated spreadsheets, answered multiple emails and questions, provided feedback to my group, and then participated in the actual event by doing a demonstration.
“I’m not going to cash your check,” she told me the following week, after receiving my offering for the work she did. “I just want to give this to you as a gift. You are my friend; I don’t want to get paid.”
This made me mad.
Well, not really mad, because this is my BFF we’re talking about. But it bothered me that she couldn’t receive and didn’t understand the gift she could give me by doing this simple thing.
The act of receiving with gratitude allows the giver to feel joy. Giving and receiving is a two-way exchange of energy that can nourish both parties, as long as the receiver can receive.
Our conversation lasted longer than I wanted it to.
“I get what you are saying,” she replied, and then I had to hear the word that made me know she didn’t get what I was saying: “but.” “But I really want to help you because you are my friend. I didn’t really do that much.” We continued in a circular argument.
“I need you to think about this differently,” I added, trying to rephrase my point, but it wasn’t going well.
Then I realized I was doing the same thing I was criticizing her for. How could I ask her to receive if I couldn’t receive the gift she was giving me by helping me out for free?
I love her for not wanting to be paid, for doing this for me out of the goodness of her heart, and she has a big one. I see the big gift she is trying to give me. I’m not ungrateful. I am a little stubborn though.
I wanted her to understand one of the basic laws of the universe—that you deny a person the basic joy of giving if you do not receive. But by not receiving her gift I was not being the best teacher. My resistance was stopping up the flow of abundance, and I was denying her joy.
I imagined that she was stopping up the flow by being unable to receive my check. So instead of feeling immense joy and excitement over being able to pay her, I felt dejected, which I know wasn’t her intent. Her intent was quite the opposite.
It’s all about connection, flow, and a dynamic exchange of energy.
When I give (energy, time, money, love, kindness) and someone receives it openly and gratefully, there’s now an open, flowing channel for more energy, time, money, love, and kindness to flow to me. My heart (and abundance) is in your receiving hands.
Understanding this means that I should have gladly accepted her gift of help. Instead, I was stuck in the need to be right and I couldn’t practice the lesson I was trying to teach!
Flow can be stopped up by only being a giver or only being a receiver. We need to practice an active balance of both.
We all know those who admittedly call themselves “givers.” I’m one of them. I picked a caregiving field as a career. I was brought up to believe that it is better to give than to receive. Over the years, I’ve seen people who give for a living burn out or get sick. I know there is a better way.
I was also brought up to be mindful of the needs of others. The hidden addition to that line is “before myself.”
No parent wants to teach their kid to be selfish, so we teach them to put everyone else first. How do we teach our children to be both good givers and good receivers? To be mindful of their own needs and those they love equally?
We must model to our children a life that fills us up. A life that is nourishing to our minds, bodies, and souls will create an overflow from which to give.
Wouldn’t it be nice to give freely from an overflow of energy, time, money, love, and kindness rather than try to give from our reserves and end up burning out? It’s not just nice, it’s spectacular! This kind of giving feels effortless, but it has to come from a fully nourished you.
We can do this by receiving and nurturing ourselves first. Here are a few ways I have learned to receive and create this kind of overflow:
Rest when tired.
I know that if I am exhausted, nobody will benefit. I take opportunities to get extra sleep when I can instead of grabbing the second or third Starbucks that day. I listen to my body and relax when it gives me signs of pain or fatigue.
Pushing through pain or fatigue only depletes you further and increases the risk of illness or injury.
Say no more often to allow time for rest and rejuvenation.
It’s hard to say no if you are a giver. But saying yes to everything will burn you out fast. I have learned to prioritize my life in a way that helps me only say yes when I really mean it so I can give from a place of excess.
Ask for and accept help when necessary.
I have learned that asking for help is crucial, and have gotten better and better at asking for and receiving it. You won’t get extra brownie points for doing it all alone. You will just burn out.
Get still. A lot.
Carving out time in my day for stillness, quiet, meditation, or breathing is so important to replenish my energy. I no longer value going from sunrise to sundown without a break. I realize that the more I am able to take this kind of time for myself, the more I am able accomplish during my “doing” times.
I have learned to recognize and separate myself from the voice that tells me I’m not worthy of receiving. I can also recognize guilt as an old, conditioned way of feeling.
Once you understand the amazing flow that is created when there is an equal exchange of giving and receiving, you will look at each moment as an opportunity to do things a little differently.
When you are filled up, fiercely alive, and overflowing with energy and enthusiasm, you can give from the stuff that is spilling over.
How can you give the gift of receiving? By receiving, you not only nourish yourself, you nourish and empower the giver. The real flow of giving and receiving can heal the world!
Girl giving boy a flower image via Shutterstock
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The Best Christmas Gift Ever: Finding Blessings in Challenges
“There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.” ~Richard Bach
Recently, I began reflecting on a time in my life I hadn’t thought about in a while.
I began remembering the time when I was five years old and staying with my great aunt and uncle, because the town my mom and I lived in was under siege and unsafe.
Our town was experiencing some of the heightened turbulence that became quite common in many towns and cities during the Lebanese Civil War, which lasted from the mid-seventies to the early nineties.
Having the opportunity to stay with my great aunt and uncle for a little while was a treat because they lived in an area that was a bit safer.
However, I was still uneasy, because my mom could not stay with us due to work commitments.
Though she would visit us as often as possible, that Christmas she ended up being stuck at her workplace for days longer than she had intended because the route between us had become unsafe to travel.
This would be the first time in my five years that I would be without my mom for Christmas. Of course as any child would, I cried over it a bit, and eventually was assured that everything would work itself out.
Christmas Eve arrived, and my great aunt and uncle invited all their friends and family over to celebrate. I had honestly never seen anything like it before! All the food, the music, the people, the tree, the multi-colored wrapped presents—it was sensory overload!
It was as if magic was happening right before my very eyes.
I remember sitting quietly in the corner trying to make sense of everything I was seeing, because up to that point it had always been just my mom and me, celebrating on our own in a much less extravagant way.
After warming up a little bit to the guests, I sat down at one of the longest dining room tables I’ve ever seen, even to this day.
“Are you going to start eating, child?” one of the guests sitting next to me asked.
I nodded, and she filled my plate up with foods made up of exquisite colors, flavors, and textures, the likes of which I had never experienced before. I can remember actually pinching myself to make sure I was not dreaming.
Later in the evening, we heard sounds outside of the front door that resembled bells. The adults all started to clamor and make a big spectacle to encourage my great aunt’s daughter and me (the only kids there) to get excited, because someone very special had arrived.
We then heard loud knocks at the door. It was Santa Claus!
In Lebanon, Santas look less like American Santas with a white beard and jolly face, and more like a Halloween character, because they wear a plastic Santa Claus mask
I remember being frightened of this Santa, but one of the adults in the room assured me he was safe and friendly. I was still a little hesitant, but soon warmed up to him.
Now that Santa Claus had arrived, it was time to open up the shiny, packaged presents. I think there must have been more than a hundred presents under the tree.
One by one, Santa passed out all the presents. Everyone sat in a circle, and everyone opened their gifts, one person at a time.
It was such a lovely sight to see each person receiving their gifts. And it was especially fun to see my cousin, who was the same age as I was, so full of joy with each present she opened.
It was also funny to see how impatient she would get, because she had literally received forty to fifty gifts, and had to wait her turn to open them.
As the last present was opened, I felt like I was in a euphoric, almost dream-like state after all the joy I had witnessed.
While I was in this state, one of the adult guests turned to me, and with what seemed to be a particularly loud voice, asked, “Where are your gifts?”
I remember explaining to him that my mom and I usually drew pictures and sang songs as our Christmas gifts to each other, but that she was at work right now and would be coming back for me soon.
I also shared that I was happy just watching others celebrate, because I had never seen such magic before.
The guest looked a little confused by my answer, and then announced to everyone what had just happened: that I was the only one, and a child, mind you, who had not received a gift.
Although I now know that the guest meant well, his announcement shifted the energy of the room from one of joyful celebration to one of utter silence, where all eyes were looking at me with sympathy.
The adults’ comments poured in: “Oh, how sad!” and “I feel so bad for him!” while others asked me if I was okay.
I wasn’t really sure why everyone’s behavior had changed so quickly, but I do remember wondering if something was wrong with me because of what had just happened.
A few adults hugged me and said things like, maybe I needed to be a better boy in the coming year so that Santa wouldn’t do that again.
And then came the comment that I now consider one the greatest gifts I’ve ever received.
“You’d think this child was invisible, the way he was forgotten!” one of the adults stated.
In that moment, I excused myself and walked to the bathroom, while still keeping a smile on my face, as though none of the comments and behaviors in the room had fazed me, even though inside I felt quite the opposite.
As I think back now, I really admire how that little kid in me was able to keep it together the way he did.
While in the bathroom, after processing through the embarrassment I had just experienced and feeling sorry for myself, I remember having a deep inner sense that one day when I was grown, I would understand why all of this had happened.
Flashing forward to present day, I wondered why this specific memory kept coming up in my awareness.
Was it because of the holidays? Why had it not come up much before? So I meditated on it, and asked the Universe, what purpose did this memory have in my life, at this present time?
Within about a minute, I received the following message:
“Because of this and several other similar experiences you have had in your life, where you were made to feel invisible and as though you did not exist, you received one of your greatest gifts in life. You received the gift of compassion. Not to be mistaken with sympathy, which you personally experienced on that Christmas Eve, where all the guests felt sorry for you.
“You received the gift of being able to connect with the true essence of a person, where you know only wholeness resides.
“If you notice, you have since made it your greatest priority in life for others to feel seen, heard, acknowledged and understood for who they really are. So although your gift that Christmas Eve didn’t come in a shiny wrapped package, you truly received the greatest gift of all.”
After receiving this message, I instantly felt a joy rise up in my being and felt as though I was lit up like a Christmas tree. An epic healing had just taken place within me, and a full resolution had been made.
Looking back, that Christmas Eve really did bless me with one of the greatest gifts one could ever receive. It led me down a path to where I was able to connect with people on a heart-to-heart level. What a gift! For that, I am forever grateful.
I share this experience with the hope that you too are able to recognize the gifts you’ve been blessed with, even if they were birthed during times of great challenge.
As you look back over this past year, you might be wondering what gifts could possibly be hidden inside times of loss or struggle.
But there is always a gift. A journey of physical pain can lead to knowledge about healing. Financial hardship can lead to an understanding of true abundance. An emotional loss can lead to the realization that love is something we create within ourselves.
Whatever challenges you’ve faced, take a moment and ask yourself, “What gift have I gained from this experience?”
You may have many gifts that lie unseen, waiting for you to claim them. Tap into the wisdom that will show you those gifts.
I know there are great blessings there, waiting for you to open up and receive them.
Gingerbread cookie image via Shutterstock
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How a Major Crisis Can Sometimes Be a Blessing in Disguise
“Pain can change you, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad change. Take that pain and turn it into wisdom.” ~Unknown
Ten years ago my life changed in a dramatic way. What I experienced in 2004 seemed like a major disaster at first, but it turns out that sometimes what seems like the worst life experience can actually be one of our biggest blessings.
In 2004, I was in graduate school, working toward a PhD in history. When I graduated from college in 2001, I wanted to be a professor. Well, that’s what I thought I wanted, but the truth was I was scared to “grow up” and get a real job, and graduate school seemed like a less scary option.
When I got to grad school in the fall of 2001, I immediately felt like a fish out of water. While in college, I thrived and loved learning about history and doing primary source research. Graduate school was different.
I remember feeling out of place in classes where everyone read books written by other historians and argued about what they thought of the book instead of diving right into research.
In addition, I didn’t click with my advisor; we couldn’t communicate with each other, and that frustrated me. I was also a teaching assistant and realized that most of my students couldn’t care less about studying history. I quickly became disillusioned and unhappy.
When I would talk to my family about how unhappy I was, my parents kept saying, “Well, what do you want to do?” I had no answer to that question. I just knew in my heart that this was not it, but I was too scared to face the unknown.
Fast forward three years to 2004 when I was planning to have elective surgery that summer only to discover through the pre-op blood work that something was majorly wrong with me.
After several weeks of tests and a long hospital stay, I finally had a diagnosis (which turned out to be a misdiagnosis, but that’s another story). I was told that I had Chronic Mylogeous Leukemia (CML). The diagnosis terrified me.
While I was very deeply shaken by this, I attempted to continue with my graduate school program, only to feel more and more dissatisfied with what I was doing.
Then, in September of 2005, my best friend from college passed away suddenly. Her death rocked me to the core and was the final wake-up call that I needed to change my life.
After several months of grief and deep depression, I came to realize that life is way too short to be so incredibly miserable.
Since I didn’t know how long my life would last because of this medical diagnosis, and because I was well aware that twenty-five year olds do just die, it was time to make some major changes. Even though I didn’t know my path forward, I knew to my very core that the one I was on was not for me.
It took a major health crisis and the death of my friend to get me to admit that it was okay to not know what my next step was, but I needed to give up the path that was so clearly not mine.
I got a job because I needed health insurance, and I started to work on healing my body, mind, and spirit. I spent hours each week going to therapy and exploring other healing modalities.
It was through this healing process that I came to realize in a relatively short time what I did want to do. I was sitting in a biofeedback session and I had a moment where I actually saw myself in the practitioner’s chair, doing what she was doing.
The lightning bolt of inspiration hit and I knew my next path was becoming clear.
I went back to school, this time pursuing a master’s in psychology. I knew that what I had gone through was a wake-up call and a very statement of what my purpose in life was.
I knew that I hadn’t gone to hell and back to just work for someone else in a job that didn’t feel deeply meaningful and fulfilling to me.
I knew, to my very core, that I was here to help others along the healing path.
If you had told me in 2005 that I would say that what I went through in those two years was on many levels some of the best things that ever happened to me, I would have looked at you like you had two heads.
But ten years later, I know deep in my heart that without those huge wake-up calls, I might still be pursuing a path that isn’t truly mine because I was too scared to take a big leap.
If you are currently going through a tough time, allow yourself to feel and express your feelings and, as you do so, practice self-compassion.
It is okay to feel sadness, anger, frustration, grief, fear, and a whole host of other emotions. By allowing yourself to feel those feelings and letting them move through you, without being self-critical in the process, you allow the energy to shift instead of getting stuck and bottled up.
Spend some time reflecting on whether there’s some kind of hidden opportunity in what you are experiencing.
For example, if you have been laid off, perhaps you are being given the opportunity to find more meaningful work. Getting sick can be the opportunity to take a break, rest, and to heal yourself on deeper levels. A breakdown can be the chance to heal pain from your past that hasn’t been fully resolved.
Lastly, remember that you are not your tough time. For me, not identifying as a “cancer patient” was crucial because if I identified that way, then my whole life was seen through that filter. Don’t attach to any labels that don’t feel right to you.
Sometimes an experience that seems incredibly horrible can actually have hidden gifts inside it. Just be patient with the path you are on, take it one day at a time, and know that sometime in the future, you will likely gain incredible insight on the gifts of what you are going through.
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Secret Santa’s Layaway Gift
Three mothers got the best holiday gift ever this year: the gift of renewed faith in people. It’s something we can all give year round, not just at the holiday season, and not just with our wallets. In fact, you may already give it regularly without even realizing it.
For all the angels who give it here, through kindness, consideration, and support, in comments or in the forums, I thank you. You remind me that people are good, and people care!
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You May Have a Super Power You Never Knew You Had
Not sure you have a gift or anything special to offer humanity? After watching this you may have a whole new perspective on how you make a difference.
