Tag: gentle
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How Our Addiction to Struggle Holds Us Back
“Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.” ~Chuang Tzu
Do you feel, on some level, that your life is hard work? That you need to struggle in order to improve things in your world? Do you feel that you even need to struggle to reach a desired goal, to overcome adversity before achieving something worthy?
Our addiction to struggle is an impediment to us feeling the joy of quiet and the now, the place from which subtle and natural development can occur.
This addiction to struggling—the addiction to striving, always trying to achieve—used to hold me back from experiencing the whole of life.
My awareness dawned slowly. Once an over-achieving lawyer working sixty-hour weeks (and then ducking off to volunteer my time for another cause), I am now much more relaxed, and able to give from a place of increased abundance and energy. But hey, it’s taken time, and it’s still a work in progress.
I’ve dabbled in meditation for years and had a daily practice for three years. But it’s not just all about the cushion—getting out and having fun, dancing, enjoying life is what helped me see that I was actually trapped in a pattern of thinking that I had to work hard and reach (and overcome) a crisis point to be successful.
The more I meditate, the more present I am, even off the cushion. I can even catch the moment at which I start being run by my own subconscious beliefs that life involves struggle.
Some mornings, in the liminal state between sleeping and waking, I can catch an almost imperceptible shift, where my mind switches from the ease of a sweet dream to a battle with consciousness and being awake.
Oh really, do I have to get up now?
(And the deeper revelation: how subtly and consistently I struggle with reality itself.)
The point at which I am able to accept my current reality is the point at which I surrender to that experience.
Funnily enough, this is usually the point at which life becomes easier. Not because I have won a battle against my mind, but because I have allowed myself to stop resisting what just is.
I get up. I go about my day. No big deal; in fact, I enjoy it.
So, how is this addiction to struggle holding us back? After all, I’ll be the first to put my hand up to say how much I’ve learned from those with the strength of character, creativity, and resilience to overcome the most trying of times. Survivors inspire us and bring us hope when we can only see darkness.
Yet, it seems that overcoming adversity has become the primary narrative arc in some corners of the spirituality and personal development online worlds.
Our relationship with mind and ego are often phrased in ‘battle’ terms, and having a gruelling experience has become the necessary precondition to success.
This is so subtle. But this preoccupation with overcoming struggle holds us back in many ways. It conceals other paths to growth. It even may cause us to devalue presence and surrender.
Overcoming struggle is only one way to grow and to learn.
Some of my most significant advancements in my thinking and changes in my life have been the result of product of gentle, consistent effort. In this way, old holding patterns have dissolved quite naturally.
My decision not to drink alcohol is one example. Upon finding out that I’m a teetotaller, people often assume that my self-destruction precipitated a crisis with booze, followed by hard-won sobriety.
Of course, I celebrate those who have overcome alcoholism, but I don’t have a victory-over-struggle story with alcohol. Once upon a time, I enjoyed a drink. Years of enjoyable meditation changed my brain, and I now happily don’t drink alcohol because I don’t feel a desire to drink. (And as it turns out, the benefits are innumerable!)
Accepting that it’s possible to be ripe when you are ripe, that you may not be following a familiar path of overcoming adversity, doesn’t make a riveting story in the manner to which we’ve become accustomed.
Perhaps we can track the predominance of the struggle trope back to the popularity of the hero’s journey: the tale of the swashbuckling hero confronting and triumphing over symbolic dragons and ogres on the transformational journey.
To be clear: the hero’s journey is, of course, inspirational. We all have periods of darkness. We all love to win our battles. We all love to be inspired by others who can lead the way.
My point is that only some journeys are punctuated by ordeals. On other paths, there is no dragon. There may just be a path to walk—even a playground in which to frolic!
Moreover, we definitely do not need to manufacture a challenging transformation if there was no such ordeal. Our experience is not less worthy or true as a result.
Noticing my own addiction to struggle has been humbling and revealing. Releasing my own tendency to slip into struggle means that I am more present. (And I have more fun!)
Our addiction to struggle can lead us to devalue the gentle and humble evolution that can accompany development without drama. It can lead us to miss the happiness that can be found in the here and now, regardless of the circumstances.
My question for you is: where in your life are you struggling? How are you playing out this subconscious script yourself?
And what would your life be like if you were able to notice and celebrate your consistent and gentle evolution?
Would this, in fact, be a quiet liberation?
Photo by Daniel Lee
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5 Principles to Live by When Life Doesn’t Go Your Way
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~ Maya Angelou
We all have our stories, don’t we?
Some stories merely create a ripple in our lives, while others go deeper. So much so that they can change the course of our lives. Dramatically.
Mine is such a story. It’s no sadder or deeper than anyone else’s. It’s just life, and how I choose to respond to it, I have realized, is what really matters.
My story was (and still is) big enough to change the course of my life, though.
I chose to respond to it holistically, and by letting go of control and trusting what the universe has in store for me.
It wasn’t as easy as that, however. It never is. And I certainly didn’t decide to respond in such a way overnight.
What is my life-changing story?
My story is of endometriosis and infertility. With the pain that visited me every month, I had always suspected I had endometriosis. It’s not usually something a person really investigates, however—unless, of course, she’s trying to start a family, without any success.
Which is exactly what happened in my case when my husband and I decided it was time to grow the clan from two to three.
After a year of trying, it was time to take a look at what was going on. What followed in the next year was a mixture of failure, heartbreak, frustration, anger, and disappointment.
In all my adulthood, I had been in control of the key events in my life and was very successful. I did well in my studies, held great jobs, bought myself a home, traveled to destinations I wanted to see, and married the person I love.
Now, for the first time, something that is considered so integral to life wasn’t going to come so easily into mine.
And I was soon to learn that infertility has more consequences than the obvious one of not being able to have a child.
I had to question everything I thought I knew about life: (more…)
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3 Ways to Trust Your Body and Trust Yourself
“Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha
I trust that the body knows everything. It does. Absolutely.
Did you ever just get a feeling—maybe something in your body that tells you something is wrong or just not right? Or maybe it gives you hints of unfailing happiness, joy, and earth shattering love?
If we would stop giving so much power to the mind, the ego, and just sat still and tapped into our body’s wisdom, we’d experience a healing power so great that it could prevent or reverse illness, disease, hate, self-loathing, and perfectionism.
I’ve learned to listen closely to my lovely friend, my body. In the past I judged her, forced away any pain she tried to show me, and even shunned self-love. I used to beat her up with negativity, judgment, and ridicule.
I wish I could take back all that abuse. My body didn’t deserve all the mean words, hurtful thoughts, and even constant manipulation with unhealthy diets and exercise.
You see, I had an eating disorder.
It’s hard to talk about, but I’ve learned that it is just a part of me—it’s in my cells, and my body remembers.
I respect this and am able to let go and speak of my experience. This has taken a long time, however, but each time I bring up the truth, my body gives me a gentle squeeze and trust is deepened.
I’m not sure how my issues with food started, but I would bet it happened sometime in childhood.
When I was eight years old, someone I loved dearly told me that I was fat. I remember I was wearing my yellow cowgirl dance outfit (as I had a recital that day) when it happened. I was crushed.
I stopped eating.
I can remember writing down each item of food in a journal. I only allowed five things a day, such as one piece of toast or one stick of bubblegum.
Of course I was growing and I was constantly starving, therefore, I’d inevitably take a trip to McDonalds at the end of the day. I would feel defeated, then resentful of my body, telling her to listen and not eat so much. This went on for years. (more…)
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Releasing the Urge to Push and Being Kind to Yourself Instead
“Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you.” ~John De Paola
Pushing has always been the way I get things done.
Actually, I should be more specific: pushing myself harder has been the way I get things done.
I grew up believing that life was hard, and that the only way to survive was to give up indulgences, buckle down, and trudge forward. Uphill. Against the wind.
In my small, suburban high school, I spent hours after my classes ended wrestling with quadratic equations.
I had the overwhelmingly generous help of my teachers, who tutored me for free in their after-school time. I had the patience of an incredibly gifted best friend to accompany me at study sessions.
Still, I felt alone in it all. I cried (weekly, probably) over math and science. Other subjects came easily to me, but the black-topped tables of the science classroom consumed my experience of school. I still remember how smooth and cold they were under my elbows.
I continued on to college at one of the most expensive private schools in the U.S., sinking into student loan debt with every lecture. When depression swept me away during my first college semester and my grades suffered, the only solution I saw was to work harder, to sleep less.
The results weren’t good: I exited the school year with deepening depression and a blossoming eating disorder.
It seemed the harder I tried, the worse things got.
Over the next several years, things improved, though I still didn’t feel like I had much control over my life. Happily, I fell in love at first sight with the prettiest (and kindest) girl I’d ever seen, and she shone her light into many of my dark corners. (more…)
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What It Means to Really Take Care of Yourself
“Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.” ~Max Ehrmann
Last year I realized that I lived twenty-eight years without knowing what it really means to love and take care of myself.
In 2010, I took some wonderful, worldly trips—Costa Rica, Bangkok, Taipei—trekking and exploring.
My husband and I bought a second home. I fully engaged myself in the improvements and the creativity of decorating a fresh canvas.
I ran several races, including a half-marathon, and finished well. I joined a swanky health and fitness club where I could take trendy aerobic classes. I was “taking good care of myself.”
Life was good. I worked hard, I played hard. The end. That was the story I projected.
But it was hardly that simple or fabulous.
There was a whole lot of turbulence in my life that I was trying to fix externally. (more…)
