Tiny Buddha

Tag: frustrated

  • Our Creative Genius Shows Us Possibilities the Rational Mind Can’t See

    Our Creative Genius Shows Us Possibilities the Rational Mind Can’t See

    “There are moments in our lives, there are moments in a day, when we seem to see beyond the usual. Such are the moments of our greatest happiness. Such are the moments of our greatest wisdom.”  ~Robert Henri, The Art Spirit

    In my twenties, I worked for a Fortune 500 company at 401 North Michigan Avenue in downtown Chicago. It was fun to work in the city, and my office overlooked Lake Michigan—I never got tired of the stunning view. Weekends were spent with friends eating at unique ethnic restaurants and visiting comedy clubs, blues bars, art galleries, museums, and theater.

    Chicago is a thriving city with a vibrant cultural life. I had a great time.

    I eventually went on to get a Ph.D. at the University of Chicago, and after I completed the degree, everything in my external world nudged me to “get out there and do great things.” Fellow students were receiving grants, fellowships, and prestigious tenure-track positions at major research universities. My advisor (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the author of Flow) was excited about my dissertation research and wanted me to publish.

    Everywhere I went, freshly minted Ph.D.s were busily writing papers, interviewing, and speaking at important conferences. And if that wasn’t enough incentive, my department was being closed by the University, and administrators, faculty, and students were launching a massive fight to try to keep it open. The centerpiece of their argument was to show how their recent graduates (i.e., me…) were doing amazing, brilliant things in the world. Yikes.

    I pushed myself—secluding myself away at a quiet retreat center for a week to try to focus, write a research article, and finally get serious about my academic career. My writing was stiff, contrived, and boring.

    I was miserable.

    So, instead of launching an illustrious academic career, I moved to the wilderness of northeast Montana.

    Montana enchanted me. Everything was so different. I fell in love with the spectacular natural beauty, but also the people who were so different from anyone else I’d ever known.

    There were backwoods hippies living off the grid, musicians who played on homemade instruments, unique one-of-kind handmade houses, and artists of all kinds.

    I moved in with a longhaired hippy in a teepee. My dog and I could hear the wolves howl at night, and we crossed paths with bears during the day. I immersed myself in the beauty of the wild with its craggy mountains and deep dark winters.

    I was far, far away from the world of exalted professional accomplishments. Here’s what happened instead.

    1. I developed self-reliance.

    One day a bird flew in and got stuck between windowpanes when trying to get out. Another day, a neighbor’s stray dog got his eyelid hooked on barbed wire. (Ouch!)

    In the city, my go-to response was to get the nearest person to help. But here in this remote area, there were no neighbors to be called. I managed to successfully extricate both animals on my own and without harming them further.

    2. I developed a wide skill set.

    In rural and remote areas, by necessity, you become a generalist. I did things I never would have done had I remained in the city.

    I was asked to speak at a church service. I started leading creative writing workshops at the yoga center. I was asked by an artist to write a book about her work and the local paper invited me to participate in a community forum.

    3. I developed openness.

    In the city, I held staunch beliefs about issues such as the need for gun control. Living in the country, I developed a deeper and more fleshed out understanding of diverse views. In rural Montana, churchgoers, new-age hippies, and hunters all mix together at the post office, grocery store, and local cafe.

    My perspectives broadened. I was no longer automatically locked into a particular position. Whereas before I saw the world in stark black-and-white, I now saw shades of gray.

    4. I developed leadership skills.

    In the city, civic organizations can feel large and intimidating. In a rural setting, everyone pitches in.

    I was asked to organize a United Way meeting. I became involved in the Rotary club. The employment agency asked me to lead a staff meeting,

    5. I developed passions for different things.

    I became proficient at river rafting. I spent weekends contra dancing. A band needed a bass guitar player and there was no one else around, so I volunteered to give it a try. (I loved it.)

    I had no idea of the fun to be had in the country.

    6. I discovered a freedom of identity.

    I’d spent my life growing up in a conservative Midwestern family, then following corporate rules as a computer scientist before embarking on a rigorous Ph.D. program.

    In Montana, I let myself break the rules for a while, stepping out of everything I had known and trying on something completely new and different. I discovered what it felt like to be free of roles and expectations.

    A friend of mine, a massage therapist, absolutely loved her work. After several years, she decided she wanted to make more money and she made the rational decision to switch to a career in nursing. Since both professions involve healing work, she naturally believed nursing would be a good choice for her.

    Years and tens of thousands of dollars later, she admits that she hates nursing. Logic doesn’t help us find our next step.

    By the way, I also have a dear friend who loves being a nurse. This is not a story about nursing (or academia). It’s a story about uniqueness.

    What are the unique paths that inspire each of us? What are the unique places, people, and situations that help us grow?

    When we’re stuck, it’s often because our minds are dead-set focused on the direction that seems reasonable. It’s the only direction that our minds can see.

    Our creative genius has a much different approach. It offers us unique, peculiar possibilities that our rational mind can’t see.

    Your creative genius will take you in directions that you don’t expect and can’t predict ahead of time. Directions that aren’t a linear, incremental next step. Instead, they open up entire new worlds that you didn’t know existed.

    Here’s a tip…

    When you’d like to make a change, feel blocked, or frustrated that whatever you’re doing is no longer working, consciously step back and imagine opening space for possibilities you hadn’t considered. This can be a challenge—your mind may have a hard time letting go of the reins.

    You are more than your thinking mind. You have another, non-cognitive creative intelligence operating in your life as well. It’s your creative genius and it’s worth listening to.

    Opening space for it will give it a chance to express itself.

  • If You Feel Stuck and Tired of Waiting for Things to Get Better

    If You Feel Stuck and Tired of Waiting for Things to Get Better

    “I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” ~Stephen Covey

    In August 2019, I was sitting in my therapist’s office with my head in my hands. I was heartbroken over a recently ended relationship, stuck working a job I wasn’t excited about, and I was living across the country from my closest friends and family. I felt like I couldn’t do much to change my situation because I was about to enter my final year of university, and I needed to stay put.

    “Sometimes, life is a logjam,” my therapist said. I visualized giant, sliced-up oak trees floating on a river, stacked up on top of each other.

    “You’ll be done university by April next year, then you’ll be free to do what you like,” she said. I don’t think my therapist intended for me to interpret her message this way, but at that moment, I dubbed my life the “logjam.” I accepted that life would be hard for me until graduation in April 2020.

    It was easy for me to feel sorry for myself. First thing in the morning, I would roll over to my phone and scroll mindlessly. I started each day by looking at people online: people in happy relationships, traveling freely, eating fancy food at fancy places. I started to notice that this action was causing me to suffer.

    One morning, I decided I wouldn’t start my day like that. Instead, I’d leave the phone where it was and go for a walk. I began my days by heading out for a thirty-minute walk, rain or shine. The boost of exercise endorphins paired with distance from my smartphone felt great.

    As I walked, I fantasized about April 2020—the month when I’d be able to take a trip somewhere to celebrate my graduation, I’d find a new job, I could move to a new city, and without being in school… I’d have time for dating again! The countdown was on. In April, I’d finally be able to enjoy my life again.

    When my university closed down in March due to COVID-19, I thought for sure it would reopen by graduation in April.

    We all know where this is going.

    April 2020 came and went, and the pandemic spread across North America. As Canada implemented more and more restrictions, I realized that I had spent the better part of a year counting down the days until my circumstance would change. I thought that if I could make it to April, all my freedom and happiness would be restored. But April came, I lost my job, I moved back into my mom’s house, and activities like travel and dating were off the table.

    The pandemic has thrown a lot of our lives into a logjam. A lot of us feel stuck. A lot of us have our eyes set on the future, when the logs will begin rolling again. Maybe you’re thinking, “Everything will be back to normal by the winter.” Of course, it might be, and I hope so. But it also very well might not be back to normal by then.

    Take this advice from someone who spent the better part of last year counting down the days until I could enjoy my life: the logjam is in our mind, and it will last as long as we believe it’s there.

    My morning walks are different now. Instead of thinking about all the things I’m going to do in the future, I think about what’s happening right now. How can I be a better daughter, sister, friend? What will I do to take care of myself today? What am I grateful for at this moment?

    Incredible growth comes from learning how to adjust and survive in undesirable conditions. Sometimes life requires us to keep our head down and focus on one foot in front of the other. Life can’t always be pure joy and lots of fun. Life can’t always be a happy relationship, vacations to amazing destinations, or fancy foods at fancy restaurants. Sometimes life is harder than that.

    Many people in the world right now are experiencing much worse than a mental logjam—loss, illness, financial hardship, violence, and discrimination have been the reality for many in 2020. A lot of people are struggling to pay their bills, overwhelmed by work or unemployment, unpredictability of childcare and healthcare, dealing with sick relatives, etc. Maybe you’re one of them.

    But if, like me, you’re blessed enough to have most of your needs met right now, keeping things in perspective can make this slow and sticky time a little more bearable. And it can also help prepare you for times when things are far harder. The better we can cope with moments when we feel stuck, the better equipped we’ll be to deal with life’s most heartbreaking challenges.

    It’s a skill to be able to feel content when things around us look bleak. I’m not going to pretend that living with a parent and losing my job is where I pictured myself this summer. And I won’t pretend that every day has been really easy simply because of a morning walk. But the mindfulness I’ve practiced over the last year has helped me to see the glass as half-full.

    This summer I’ve spent every single day swimming in a lake. I’ve reconnected with childhood friends. I’ve been able to help my mom raise a new puppy. I’ve been able to write articles like this one, without the stress of grades and a timeline. While it isn’t what I imagined my summer looking like after finishing university, it’s wonderful in its own way.

    Instead of criticizing ourselves, our lives, or each other during these unprecedented times, try to take a full-bodied breath, put your feet on the ground, and feel the life that’s still happening all around you. You may have a lot of responsibilities and be facing major challenges, but if your circumstances allow it… I challenge you to start making the best of this unpredictable year.

    Choose to see the logs rolling down the river, untethered by each other, moving forward toward everything that’s coming next.

  • Tired of Waiting? How to Thrive When Your Life Feels On Hold

    Tired of Waiting? How to Thrive When Your Life Feels On Hold

    “What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” ~Johann Wolfang von Goethe

    Silence. Not a word.

    Another day is over. The news you were waiting for didn’t arrive.

    Everyone else around you keeps moving. They know where they’re going.

    You don’t. You watch the days go by and think of all the things you could have done. You feel like you’re wasting your time.

    It seems pretty pointless. You’re not where you want to be.

    Sometimes we have to wait. You left one job, but the next one is not yet here. You want to go back to the soccer field, but your injury is not yet healed. You’re stuck in a city you just want to leave behind. Or you just simply don’t know what to do next.

    In May, my husband and I moved across the world from Germany, my home for over twenty-five years, to Canada, his home country. We had already applied for permanent residence for me months before we came.

    Give it a few weeks and it will arrive, we thought. Then I could start looking for a job. Start my career. Move forward.

    Weeks became months. August came and I was still hopeful. I checked the mailbox every day. Maybe today we would hear something. But still nothing.

    The heat of summer started to fade and I became more anxious. I was expecting to hear the big news any day, but the leaves turned colorful and pumpkins popped up in the stores and I still hadn’t received my permit.

    Over the course of a summer and a fall, I was watching my friends moving forward. Applying for new jobs, preparing for interviews, getting promoted. Friends from Germany I graduated with were starting their careers. Some of them started a family.

    I was waiting. And the longer the waiting continued, the more anxious I got. As a twenty-seven-year-old graduate, I felt like I had no time to waste.

    Even more, I was ready to work. Apply what I’ve learned. Improve my skillset. Learn new things. Contribute to a cause. Be part of something. Instead, I had to wait. I felt slowed down. Left behind.

    But as fall came, something in me started to change slowly. I started to come to terms with my circumstances. My situation hadn‘t changed; I had. I realized that there were five things that, with the help of my husband and family, helped me turn this waiting period around.

    1. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

    This first point is crucial.

    Some mornings you might not even want to get out of bed. What for? Even if you do, you feel no motivation to get anything started or done. What’s the point?

    It might seem like life has hit the pause button, but life is still happening. And it is still up to you what you do with your circumstances.

    So focus on what you can do. Live. Right now. Every day. Don’t make this all about the wait. Make it about you. Then there is really no reason to feel sorry at all.

    2. Watch your mouth.

    Words are powerful, even if they aren’t said out loud. The way you think and talk about your situation will determine how you feel about it.

    In the evening, when my husband asked me what I did that day, I quite often said, “Nothing, really.” Of course I had done a lot of things every day. What I really meant was: “I did a lot of things, but they don’t count.” They didn’t count in my head because it wasn’t what I wanted to do. It’s not what I though I should be doing.

    Silly, I know. And my husband would call me on it, which eventually changed my language. And that eventually changed my perspective on things.

    Share your crappy feelings with people. Be honest with them. But make sure these are people who help you. Who challenge you. Who don’t let you sit in it.

    Guard your thoughts when you are alone. Don’t allow yourself to sit in your negative feelings. Put a visual reminder on your desk. A quote maybe. Write it on your bathroom mirror. Have a copy of it in your wallet.

    You might not be where you want to be in the long run, but that’s life. It takes time. As long as you are on the right path, every step counts. And if you don’t know where your path is going, you were just given the perfect opportunity to find out!

    3. Don’t make excuses.

    It’s easy to find reasons not to do things. Especially when you’re waiting. Because what you really want is just around the corner. The present is just a weird in-between-space.

    Wrong. Now is the time to try new things. To step out of your comfort zone. To discover new passions and gifts.

    In the past months, I taught myself more about cameras and video editing, I took a guest blogging course, I started to take on a few creative projects around the house, I connected to new people in the city, and I explored my new home.

    Some of it might help my career. Some of it was purely for enjoyment. But everything I did helped me to learn—what I enjoy, what I am good at, how I want to live my life.

    So pick one thing you want to do. A creative project. A class. Your own book. Start it. Commit to it. Don’t be scared that it’s going to take you a lot of time. Let it take you out of your comfort zone. You don’t have to know yet where it’s going to take you.

    4. Don’t compare.

    So you’ve tried all of the above. You’ve done good work. You feel great.

    But then you start comparing yourself to the people around you. Friends, family, coworkers.

    Of course, you pick the ones who aren’t in a similar situation. Those who know exactly what they want. Those who just did the big move out of the city. Those who just got a job.

    Don’t. I know it’s hard, because it feels like it’s being rubbed in your face: you’re not there yet. And the whole cycle of feeling sorry for yourself, negative words, and cheap excuses starts again.

    Be happy for these people. Remember that one day, it’s going to be you. It’s just going to take a few extra steps. That’s fine. Because until then, there are plenty of opportunities and lots of life to live.

    One thing that helps me is to stay away from certain people and groups on social media. I don’t blame people for posting about all the awesome things that happen in their lives. I just know my weak spot. I know I instantly compare myself. So I unfollowed a bunch of people to avoid it, for my own sake.

    5. Keep moving.

    You know that exercising keeps you healthy. It makes you strong and helps you stay in shape. But it also improves your mood and your sleep. It reduces stress and anxiety. It helps your brain to function better.

    You, of all people, want a functioning brain. For all the reasons listed above. That’s why you need to move your physical body in this period of waiting.

    Find the way to workout that works best for you. I used to run a lot, so I bought myself a new pair of runners. When I am overwhelmed with my situation, I put them on and run it off.

    It can be as simple or fancy as you like—just do it. Sign up for a gym class. Join a soccer team. Go for long walks. Do yoga with the help of some YouTube videos.

    Of course, this point will look differently for you if you’re waiting is caused by a physical injury. You’re doctor and physiotherapist have probably told you already what exercises and how much of it will help your body to recover.

    In any case, commit to exercising. Make time for it. Stick with it.

    You Can Do It

    Waiting sucks. Especially when there is no end in sight and you’ve done everything you can.

    But changing the way you approach this waiting period can make all the difference.

    Imagine achieving a goal taking one step every single day.

    Imagine learning a new skillset that will help you when you can finally take the next step.

    Imagine discovering a new passion that will determine the way your life is going.

    Start by trying one of the steps above tomorrow morning when you get out of bed.

    Try a different step every day. Keep those that work and lose those that don’t.

    You can make this period of waiting in your life a personal success!

  • How to Keep Going When Your Dream Seems Far Off

    How to Keep Going When Your Dream Seems Far Off

    “Do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do.” ~Oprah Winfrey

    I needed a bit of extra cash last month, so I took on a temporary events role working at a local design exhibition.

    I’ve worked in events before, so I didn’t think much about it.

    I just knew that I needed some money, I liked doing events, and a short contract had presented itself.

    It seemed perfect!

    So off I went to my first shift, feeling pretty good about myself and about life.

    The first event was at a studio in a deserted industrial park. Even at 5:30pm, when it was still light, I felt uncomfortable walking the ten minutes from the bus stop.

    When I got there, I quickly realized that the role wasn’t going to be as fun as I thought it would be: standing shivering outside in the cold, wearing an exhibition t-shirt, registering attendees, most of whom weren’t on the guest list but were expecting to be on the list.

    So they got shirty.

    And the line up grew longer.

    So they got even more shirty.

    Two hours later, and I was starting to wonder why I’d taken on the role. (And don’t get me wrong—I know there are worse jobs, and that I’d signed up for it myself. I’m not looking for pity.)

    I started talking to the other girls who were working there. They were students, and it turns out they were a lot younger than me—nineteen and twenty-four. (I’m thirty-five.)

    Now, I know that age doesn’t make a difference, and I’m generally pretty comfortable with my age. (Getting older is better than the alternative!) But in that moment, I felt pretty crappy.

    So as I stood in the cold, with two girls ten to fifteen years younger than me, working for a near minimum wage job, I started to feel down.

    I started feeling sorry for myself.

    And at the end of the night, as I waited for the bus in the cold, dark bus depot, feeling pretty low, I texted a friend who I knew would understand.

    My text read:

    “What the hell am I doing?! I’m thirty-five years old, and I just worked a minimum wage job in a dodgy part of town, with a nineteen year old, and now I’m waiting for the hour-long bus journey to take me home.

     My other friends are doctors or lawyers, own houses, and drive their (nice) cars to their places of work. 

    Ever feel like you’ve missed the boat somewhere?!”

    My friend was sympathetic (she’s temping and traveling around Europe while most of her peers are buying houses, having kids, and generally “doing very well.”)

    And then she said something that really stuck with me. Something that brought it all home:

    She simply said:

    “Think of your long-term vision.”

    This is how she explained it to me:

    “Yes, you’re doing a minimum wage role (temporarily). And yes, you’re working with people much younger than you. And taking the bus to work.

    But you’re doing all this for a reason.

    You’re doing this so you can set up your business. You’re doing this so you can create a new life for yourself—a life to really be proud of.

    You’re doing this for the end goal.

    So yes, it is sucky right now. But think of your long-term vision.”

    I couldn’t have asked for a better reminder.

    Because that was exactly it: I was working the job to earn extra money while I set up a business I’m passionate about.

    I was temporarily in a murky patch so I could get to a better place in the future.

    And I had forgotten my long-term vision. I had gotten caught up in the short-term

    And this is so easy to do.

    So I’d like to share my experience with you, to remind you of this powerful idea: Keep your long-term perspective in mind.

    Don’t get caught up in what is happening now, only.

    Think of the bigger picture: your big plans, your long-term goals.

    If you’re setting up your business and feel like you’re not getting anywhere, think of the long-term vision.

    You might not get anywhere in the first few months, but what about the next year or two? How far could you get if you kept going and putting in the effort?

    If you’re working two jobs in order to go traveling after grad school, keep that vision in mind.

    Think of setting off on that plane with your passport in hand, sipping an espresso in a village in Italy, or seeing the Eiffel Tower for the first time.

    Keep your long-term vision in mind.

    If you’re writing a book and you’ve rewritten the first chapter ten times, think of your long-term vision: being an author.

    Picture having your first book published and seeing it on sale in your local bookstore.

    If you’re training for a half marathon and you busted your knee running, rest up, and think of your long-term goal: crossing that finish line.

    Don’t worry about the things happening now. The crappy jobs you take… the revisions you’re making… the demo tapes you’re sending off with no replies… the manuscript rejections. These are all temporary.

    But the long-term, if you keep taking action and putting one foot in front of the other, could be very different.

    If you let it.

    If you keep going.

    If you keep your goal in mind, and keep it clear.

    See, I had forgotten my reason for taking on this temporary events role.

    It wasn’t to work in the cold while annoyed guests took their impatience out on me.

    (Funnily enough!)

    It was to earn money so I can keep working on my business.

    To keep afloat while I follow my dream—my passion.

    Something that makes me feel excited and proud and hopeful and exhilarated.

    But, hang on, I know what you’re thinking:

    Sounds easy, but how do you do it in practice?

    How do you focus on the long-term, while you’re dealing with the difficulties of the short-term?

    So here’s how I did it. I hope these points are helpful for you too:

    1. Get clear on your goal, and display it somewhere prominent.

    Post it on your wall. Set it as your phone backdrop. Make it your computer wallpaper.

    Anything. Just make it visible. So you have a reminder, day in, day out, of what you’re working toward.

    2. Know how your short-term plans are feeding into your long-term goal.

    Get clear on how your actions are contributing to it.

    E.g.: I am putting up posters in the rain at eight o’clock at night so that people know about my business and I can eventually help people with my successful and inspiring series of retreats.

    I am taking the bus to this business event two hours from my hometown so I can meet people who might be able to help me get a job in my desired industry, or give me tips on how I can make it in this competitive market.

    3. Team up with someone doing something similar.

    Texting my friend was the best thing I could have done because she understood. She sympathized. I didn’t feel judged, or stupid.

    So find someone in a similar situation to you. It doesn’t have to be in person—go online and seek out supportive websites, Facebook groups, whatever it is that helps you realize you’re not alone.

    4. Know that everyone goes through this.

    The people you see at the top of their game didn’t start there. They sweated, and toiled, and kept going when the end seemed unrealistic, or even impossible at times.

    No one promised them they would get to the top. So they used their belief to keep them going.

    Think of anyone you admire, in any field…

    Did they work hard to get there, or did they have it handed to them magically on a plate? Did they take time to get to where they are now, or did it happen overnight?

    5. Appreciate where you are now.

    See the positives as well as the negatives. Your blog only has four readers? Great—think of all the mistakes you can make without anyone knowing or making harsh comments!

    Working a boring job while you pay your way through school? Then sign up with a friend, and make it fun!

    Because—without sounding negative—you will still have issues and problems when you get to where you want to be. They’ll just be different problems and issues. So enjoy the problems you have now.

    I might have moaned about my long bus journey home at night, but if I’m traveling for business in the future, there could still be times where my flight is delayed and I’m hailing a cab in the pouring rain at one in the morning.

    Appreciate where you are on your journey—it is all important.

    So there we go. Five ways to keep going when your short-term reality doesn’t match your long-term vision.

    Because we all have to do things we don’t necessarily want to do to get to where we truly want to be.

    Most people don’t want to put themselves through this.

    They don’t want to go through the tough times, the yucky stuff, to emerge out the other side, stronger and clearer on where they’re headed.

    It’s easier to stay in the easy, safe zone.

    Do the things you gotta do to get to where you want to be.

    Because we only have this one life. So why not live it pursuing the things you love—your big goals and dreams?

    Why not go after those dreams and adventures rather than moaning that nothing good ever comes your way? (Hint: it’s because you have to go out and get it.)

    And now, over to you:

    What are you working on now to fulfill your long-term vision?

    What are you going through now, in order to create a brighter future for yourself?

    What have you learned along the way?

    Let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear!

  • How to Deal When You Feel Frustrated and Hopeless

    How to Deal When You Feel Frustrated and Hopeless

    “Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” ~Victor Hugo

    Last year, my life was in ruins.

    I had to visit two different hospitals almost every day of the week. At noon, I’d watch my grandmother suffering on her deathbed. In the evening, I’d sit beside a close friend who’d fallen off a building, broken his spine, and couldn’t even go to the toilet on his own.

    All the while, I was toiling in the dark every night until the sun rose. I needed to save my career, which was on the verge of complete failure.

    Nothing seemed to be working for me. My life was hopeless. Worse, being a natural introvert with few friends, I had no one to turn to. I couldn’t even find one person to share my burden with.

    Every day was a struggle. I would take one step forward and two steps back. I was stuck. I was losing my strength to inch forward because I realized nothing I did would ever work.

    I thought I was destined to be homeless and lonely till the day I die (which I thought was not that far off, by the way). There was no way out.

    I know things may be hard for you too. Perhaps, like me, you march on to fight the same battle each morning only to end up losing every time. You may feel defeated, hopeless, and depressed every night.

    All this frustration and agony drives you insane. You wish you could scream at the top of your lungs and just quit.

    But I got through the darkest time of my life to date. While I’m sure a much darker and harder time awaits me, I am not afraid anymore. Even if it comes, I am confident I can smile at it from my heart, because now I know, from experience, how to properly deal with it.

    1. Don’t try to stop feeling hopeless in any way, not even by meditating.

    If you feel defeated and sad, don’t force yourself to feel otherwise.

    Whatever you’re feeling is a huge rolling snowball. Fighting it in your head is like trying to stop the snowball by throwing more snow at it. Instead of stopping it, you only make it bigger and faster.

    Likewise, you are giving too much importance to your hopelessness if you try to fight it directly with your mind. You are only feeding into its momentum.

    You might think meditation is the key to feeling better, but it can’t help you numb your emotions. I know because I’m an experienced meditator and I’ve fall into this trap.

    When I was struggling, I tried everything to make the pain go away: walking meditation, observing my emotions and thoughts, focusing on my breath. The result? I felt worse.

    Why? When you try to get rid of an emotion, you are actually just wrestling with the emotion in your head.

    When you meditate not for the sake of it but to stop a certain feeling, it’s no longer meditation. It becomes just another vain attempt to suppress your emotions.

    2. Engage your mind by doing what’s fun, not what’s right.

    Don’t dwell on the hopelessness. You need to do things to get you out of your head and into your body.

    And no, you are not going to do anything purely to suppress your emotions. It doesn’t work. Instead, do things because you like to do them.

    What do you do for fun? What do you do to relax? What you normally do when you feel bored?

    Don’t force yourself to do anything just because somebody says it’s good for you. Not even me. Running is good, no doubt. But what’s the point of forcing yourself to run if you hate every second of it?

    Discover which activities are fun and engaging to you personally. These activities engage your mind and body the most, and they can take you into the present most effectively.

    Make any healthy choice that makes you feel better. Watch TV, eat a little dark chocolate, play video games, surf the Internet; just be sure to stay away from drugs and alcohol, which will only make things worse.

    Me? I did things I’ve never done before: downloading an addictive mobile game, eating fatty foods (in moderation), and reading YA novels (blush).

    Balance your life with some truly relaxing “you” time. This is the time where you take all expectations off. No self-improvement, no studying, no work, no meditation. Nothing. Just play and do whatever calls to you. This is what self-care really is.

    When you do this, you completely disengage yourself from your overwhelming sense of hopelessness. And while the snowball will still roll on in the background, it will end sooner or later because you won’t be feeding into its momentum anymore.

    This is how you really stop resisting your emotions and thoughts. This is how you really let go.

    3. Put your worries on paper.

    When you are hopeless and worried, you live in your head. You keep reminding yourself of the same hopeless future projections again and again.

    When your worries exist in thought form, you can never solve them. Problems look bigger than they really are. This is why often we turn a small problem in to a big one.

    Just sit down for a moment. Take time and write down all your problems on paper. When you do this, you stop dwelling on them because you can physically see them with your eyes. Problems will become real objects you can analyze and solve hands-on.

    And even if a problem still looks huge, you can now break in down into smaller and easier chunks—something you wouldn’t be able to do in your head entirely.

    4. Create your destiny, starting with your dishes.

    You can’t expect a deus ex machina.

    Sure, luck plays a huge part in our lives. But when you are stuck in a rut, you have to save yourself. Even if you can’t, you still have to take action to ask for help. Things will not miraculously get better on their own. Dwelling and sulking are not going to make your seemingly hopeless life any better.

    I understand it’s very hard to take action when you feel depressed or frustrated with life. But taking action is your only way out. The good news is you are not stuck. Your life isn’t hopeless. You can actually get up and start moving again quite easily. Here’s how:

    Once you’ve written your worries down, target the easiest problem you can solve without much effort. To make things even easier, break that already easy problem into extremely small chunks and work through it one step at a time.

    Say you are feeling hopeless about your failing career, just like I was. But as you brainstorm your problems, you discover many other trivial problems, such as a faulty computer, a messy room, or even a pile of unwashed dishes.

    This is good. For now, forget about your career and work on the small problems first.

    Why? Because if you got yourself a good computer, you may work more efficiently. If you now have a tidy room, you’ll be calmer and more relaxed. You’ll sleep better. This gives you more energy and focus with your career, too.

    The truth is, anything you do will begin a positive upward cycle. The more trivial (but related) problems you work on, the easier your bigger problems will become. So take some pressure off, and just focus on tackling that one tiny and easy task at hand.

    The Biggest Secret That’ll Get You through The Darkest of Times

    I am not going to lie; eventually, you will face a challenge that will be your last one—we all will. But likely not this time. This will not be the end. Think of all the struggles and hardships you’ve gone through. No matter how vividly painful and traumatic they were, you somehow managed to get through.

    On the outside, you may look weak and worn-down. But I know that deep inside you are a strong soul. And I know that just like before, you will survive, and you will become even stronger because of it, just like I did.

    So don’t worry. Don’t even worry about trying not to worry. Whatever happens, just remember the only thing that matters is the process. Ignore the urge to fight your feelings and focus on finding your own balance between action and self-care.

    If it helps, remind yourself this daily:

    “As long as I am consistently taking care of myself and taking tiny steps to create positive change, I will come out a better and wiser person in the end.”

    And then, put all your trust into yourself and in your actions. Believe what you do will get you out of this nightmare. This is the biggest secret that will get you through the darkest of times.

    I trust you. And I want you to trust yourself. When you do, not only will you truly let go, but you will also be able to look at your difficult life and smile from your heart, because you know victory will be yours in the end.

  • The Power of Doing Nothing When You’re Frustrated or Anxious

    The Power of Doing Nothing When You’re Frustrated or Anxious

    Stressed man meditating

    “This ‘doing nothing’ is not a cold, passive resignation, but is a luminous, sacred activity, infused with presence and a wild sort of compassion. It is a radical act of kindness and love.” ~Matt Licata

    I am storming home after work.

    The important men in my life are driving me bonkers—they’ve been self-important, disrespectful, condescending jerks.

    My dad doesn’t see the value in the work I do, and my partner blew off our date to take an important phone call. My younger brother leapt off of the phone with me, which he’s been doing every time I’ve called in the last year.

    I am taking furious, short breaths, and hardly noticing each step.

    My mind races with things I could say to show them just how in the wrong they are. I rocket between being spiteful and feeling sorry for myself.

    A woman my age walks toward me, carrying two bags and nursing a baby. I move aside to let her by and accidently make eye contact with her little girl.

    She gazes at me unblinkingly, no expression on her small, round face. She doesn’t react to my momentary presence in her world; she just looks at me.

    Our eyes meet for only a moment, and then they are both gone. That look has stopped me in my tracks and drained me of all my struggle. I’m standing there on the sidewalk, feeling totally empty of the fury that possessed me a few seconds earlier.

    That emptiness makes me lightheaded, and I stand for a moment, swaying in the dusky light. I’m suddenly aware of my breathing, of the tightness in my abdomen and hands. For the first time, I notice what a whipped-up tower of smoke and rage I’ve become.

    I make eye contact with myself, as if I’m now the wide-eyed babe, lying on my mother’s chest.

    I’m filled with compassion for myself. I become aware that the anger I was feeling is also anger at myself for not hearing and responding to what I want—for putting my needs last, for being judgmental and self-righteous.

    This awareness washes over me in a wave of feelings, more so than thoughts. I experience anger, sadness, and finally the comfort of being heard. Someone is listening to me—I am listening to me.

    . . . . .

    I regularly encourage my girlfriends to take more time for themselves, to move more slowly through choices and transitions, to make space in their heads to really hear themselves.

    I don’t want to wait for a wide-eyed magic babe to spook us back into our own experience. I want us to be intentional about it.

    Through meditation, I can sometimes create space to hear myself. But many of my friends are fast-paced, creative women who have a hard time sitting still. Meditating is simple, but not easy, and especially for these active types, “doing nothing” is something that has to be eased into.

    Walking has been an incredible space-creator for me, as has writing.

    At the beginning of both of these pursuits, I am filled with chitter-chatter—the daily bushwhack through the swamp of self-judgment, fear, and worry.

    By being intentionally aware of my surroundings when walking, and my words when writing, the fog of my heavy thoughts begins to lift. Eventually I am purely in the experience—noticing the birds and the flowers, and the feeling in the bottoms of my feet, or simply connecting word to word, sentence to sentence.

    To maintain a connection to the physical world around me and the spiritual world within me, I practice both writing and walking for an hour every day. Sometimes, it’s an uphill battle and I end up feeling totally defeated. But most days, at least a shimmer of my true self shows up during my practice, and I feel blissfully at peace.

    . . . .

    The lesson I learned that evening, when I saw the baby and her mother, was that how I’m feeling just is.

    Most of my frustration and anxiety comes from trying to fix the way I’m feeling, to somehow “solve” it. As soon as I settled into the experience of being angry, the anger itself just sort of melted away, and my true desires became apparent.

    A friend and I were recently speaking about “looking straight at things” rather than seeing them out of the corner of your eye and avoiding them. We were discussing negative body-talk, anxiety about work, and the emotional discomfort that often leads to overeating.

    She told me, “If I could just look straight at the part of me that wants a bowl of cereal, I would see that I’m actually nervous about an upcoming presentation.” The urge to eat more when she’s already full is disguising the discomfort of feeling over her head at work.

    My intense anger at the important men in my life was disguising the true discomfort that stemmed from over-working myself, not prioritizing my own self-care, and putting others’ opinions of my life before my own.

    A curious experience with a tiny stranger was enough to shock me out of my thoughts, bring me back into my body, and allow me to really hear myself.

    That moment reminded me how to be present and to give myself the time and space to understand my inner needs.

    I extend this same reminder to you: In whatever way is easiest for you, start being present to yourself by doing nothing. I challenge you to lie on the couch, sit on the bench, or meditate; allow space for your true hopes and fears to bubble up into your conscious mind.

    As Matt Licata says, this is a “radical act of kindness and love,” and we each benefit from showing ourselves that loving kindness.

  • How to Stay Calm in a Chaotic, Stressed Out World

    How to Stay Calm in a Chaotic, Stressed Out World

    Meditating Girl

    “You can’t calm the storm so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself and the storm will pass.” ~Timber Hawkeye

    After another driver pulled out in front of me and narrowly missed a collision, I put on my brakes and waited for the car to stop. As the other driver sailed off ahead of me, my hysterical passenger screamed, “What an idiot! Didn’t you see him? Why didn’t you blast the horn? These people shouldn’t be on the road!”

    I realized my reaction, or lack of reaction, was out of the ordinary, and I also noticed that despite the circumstance I had remained equanimous—I hadn’t let it disturb my peace of mind.

    I wasn’t angry with the driver, my blood pressure hadn’t increased, and no damage had been done. I was at peace.

    It hadn’t always been this way. I inherited a short fuse from my dad (at least, that’s the excuse I used for years).

    I was a footballer and with it, competitive and aggressive. Road rage was common, even when I wasn’t in a car, and I’ve been known to throw things across the room in frustration.

    The person I am now could not be more different in this respect, and I’m a lot happier as a result, not to mention the improvement in my relationships and my health.

    Imagine a day where very little upsets you and in the face of annoyances you just sail through, calm, peaceful, and happy. It may seem like an impossibility, but when I look at where I was and where I am now, I can assure you it’s not.

    So how did I become equanimous and how did it change my life?

    It started when I began daily meditation.

    I took up the habit to try to control stress in a busy life. As I progressed I noticed I was becoming more relaxed, centred, and calm. But there was more to it than that; my brain was changing and I was becoming more self-aware, and also more considerate and compassionate toward others.

    I was able to notice my emotions arising and slowly regained control over my moods.

    This isn’t the same as supressing anger and emotions; this can be even more damaging. It’s getting to a point where the emotions don’t even arise in the first place.

    It’s a long journey, it doesn’t happen overnight, and like with everything it takes practice.

    Before I could do anything about controlling them, the first step was just to notice them. I spent a long time at this point prior to progressing! But with awareness comes progress, and just noticing the emotions arise is a huge step in the right direction. 

    The funny thing is that, as I traveled with a friend recently, I was shocked by how frustrated she got with drivers doing the speed limit but getting in her way.

    I watched how her demeanor changed as she got more agitated and how the experience affected her mood after the journey, and I thought, This is crazy, how can people live like this? Then I thought, Well, exactly how you did not so long ago!

    It’s become so common we consider it normal, but when I spend time in Thailand and other Buddhist countries it’s refreshing to notice that people don’t really lose their temper or scream, swear, and shout.

    I used to think it was an unattainable goal. I’d look at monks and nuns being zen and think, Well surely it’s easy to be zen if you live on a mountain top away from the world. But as one old monk (who looked very young) told me, while they may not have the outside pressures like traffic jams, shopping, and emails to test their equanimity, they still have human internal pressures.

    He explained to me about his separation from his mother when he was a young child, living through a war, the death of his brother, and his overcoming cancer. There’s enough there to make any human mind an unpeaceful place!

    Our minds are so precious and powerful it makes sense we should keep them as peaceful as possible. Not only does it impact on our mood, our relationships, and our effectiveness, but also our health.

    Imagine how different life could be if the ups and downs and little annoyances didn’t affect us anymore, if our brains were trained to not react, not suppressing anger but not having it there to suppress.

    It’s not as difficult as we’ve been lead to believe, and it opens up a whole new way of life, one I am experiencing now. Having been both sides of this fence I can tell you which I prefer, and the way to get there—equanimity!

    I learned this skill by meditating most days for just ten minutes, and the change was so subtle that sometimes I’m not quite sure when it all changed and how I arrived here. But looking back in hindsight, I can see how far I’ve come and what a difference it’s made to my life and the life of those around me.

    My days are not the same if I don’t get some yoga or meditation done first thing. Once I’m up out of bed I like to sit for just ten minutes and focus my awareness on my breathing.

    On my more distracted days I might chose a guided meditation to help me focus. Some days if I don’t have time to sit on a cushion I find ways to incorporate stillness into my daily life. It could be a few deep breaths while I wait for the kettle to boil or a mindful walk on the way to work.

    There are so many opportunities throughout our day to stop for a second, bring our awareness to our breathing, and notice what is going around us and within us. This is the key to developing equanimity.

    The more awareness we have of our thoughts and feelings, the easier it becomes to detach from them, over time, with practice.

    Imagine what a different place the world would be if we could all learn equanimity. Well, be the change you want to see and start today! Bringing stillness to our mind also brings peace, and when we are at peace nothing disturbs our equanimity.

    Meditating girl image via Shutterstock

  • What We All Really Need When We’re Struggling

    What We All Really Need When We’re Struggling

    Sad Man

    “There are two ways of spreading light: be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” ~Edith Wharton

    I tucked my boarding pass safely into my coat pocket, donned my eyeglasses, and searched for the overhead signs that would lead me to the correct gate. Thanksgiving would be here soon and the Orlando airport was bursting at the seams with travelers.

    I turned the corner and jerked to a stop. Hundreds of people stood before me, bunched together in a space the size of a ballroom. I’d have to maneuver my way through them, I thought, to get to the security gate off in the distance. And then I quickly realized that’s exactly where all those other people were headed, too.

    I resigned myself to a long wait. What a waste of time, I thought to myself. I just want to get home.

    A symphony of sounds surrounded me: babies crying, kids fussing, some folks complaining, some laughing, loudspeakers blaring, cell phones ringing, along with the buzz of constant chatter.

    This being Orlando, a family wearing mouse ears huddled directly in front of me. I rose up on tiptoes to peek above their heads and catch a glimpse of the security area. Still far away. With no roped lanes to guide us, some newcomers gently nudged by me in an effort to gain a little bit of extra distance. Funny how you can be pressed up against others in a large crowd and at the same time be invisible to them.

    The swarm of people slowly funneled their way into one of two security lanes, and at last it was my turn. I handed my identification to the agent and was ushered into a long line of people waiting to go through the scanners. At least now it was an obvious line. No more folks jockeying for position.

    The woman behind me sighed. A few seconds later she sighed again. Not a sigh of frustration, more like a sigh of grim resignation. A TSA agent passed by and she flagged him down.

    “This is taking so long,” she said. “Will I be able to make my flight on time?” Her tone was one of despair.

    “I don’t know,” the agent replied.

    “Do you think they will hold the plane a few extra minutes for me?” she asked.

    I didn’t hear his response. I imagined he simply shook his head no. “Oh, dear,” she muttered to herself. “Oh, dear.”

    At the pace the line was moving I figured it would be another ten minutes at least before we would pass through the x-ray scanners. Then it was anyone’s guess how far you had to walk to arrive at the proper gate.

    Out of the corner of my eye I watched the woman behind me lower her head, forlorn and clearly troubled by her situation. I turned to her.

    “I couldn’t help but overhear,” I said. “Please switch places with me. Every little bit helps.” She gratefully accepted my offer. We both understood that my act saved her perhaps fifteen or twenty seconds of time. Hardly enough time to make a meaningful difference.

    But that which is most meaningful may not always be what you think.

    Instantly, as if by magic, her demeanor changed from being tense and downcast to cheery and hopeful. She exhaled another sigh, but this time it was a sigh of relief.

    “Isn’t this crazy!” she said, grinning ear to ear. “Next time I will plan better. Have you ever seen so many people?”

    She stood next to me, not in front of me or behind me, but side-by-side.

    We spent the next several minutes chatting happily about ordinary things—where we were headed, how wearisome travel can be, how a cup of strong coffee would taste so good right about now. But her smile never left her. And I was smiling, too. As much as I helped her to feel uplifted, I was now uplifted. My thoughts of a long day of travel ahead of me vanished.

    I grew deaf to the noises and chatter all about me. I didn’t see anyone else—no kids in strollers, no adults with mouse ears. This time I wasn’t invisible but everybody else was. It was just the two of us cracking jokes and making small talk. Side-by-side.

    Suddenly it was our turn for the x-ray scanner. She thanked me one last time and we parted ways. Within a minute I lost sight of her.

    What just happened? I asked myself. And then I realized something important. What this woman wanted was reassurance she would make her flight on time. But what she needed was to know that somebody cared.

    And isn’t that what we all need most of the time? When we feel worried or hurt or simply frustrated by life’s burdens; when the “givens” of life (sickness, loss, disappointment, heartbreak) overwhelm us; when we struggle to make our way through another day; a warm embrace, thoughtful gesture, or a hand on our shoulder can be all we need to feel a little more hopeful and, perhaps, a lot more cared about.

    I don’t know if that woman got to her plane on time. When you help others along the road you may never know the outcome of their journey. But it may not have been your purpose to know. Your purpose may have been to simply meet them on the path and in some way be a source of light so they can see things from a clearer perspective—and in so doing discovering that they may have been a source of light for you.

    As for me, I no longer see long lines as a waste of time but as opportunities to make a difference, however small, in someone’s life.

    Never underestimate your power to make a difference in the life of others by even a small act of kindness or a few comforting words. Opportunities abound every day. Seek them out. And we all know this to be true: it is in the giving that we receive.

    Lost hope image via Shutterstock

  • What to Do When Things Go Wrong and You Feel Sorry for Yourself

    What to Do When Things Go Wrong and You Feel Sorry for Yourself

    Sad Woman

    “We can always choose to perceive things differently. We can focus on what’s wrong in our life, or we can focus on what’s right.” ~Marianne Williamson

    I was down in the dumps the other day and was feeling sorry for myself.

    For some reason everything was just off. You know when you have one of those days when nothing seems to go right? And you get easily irritated and extra sensitive with everything?

    It all began the night before. I was expecting a call from a guy who I’ve been getting to know. He said he was going to call but never did. I woke up the next morning feeling disgruntled.

    My day proceeded with me stubbing my toe against the bed post, burning my toast, and then receiving a call from the bank to inform me that my debit card had been tampered with and someone had withdrawn over $1,000 from my account. (Luckily, my bank will be filing a fraud claim and I’ll get my money back, which is a blessing!)

    After breakfast, I went to check out a health shop owned by a friend of a friend. We were introduced to each other via Facebook. On the way, I ran into every single red light possible, making me late.

    When I got there I was enthusiastic to pass on a heartfelt hug from my friend, but it seemed her friend was surprised and a bit taken aback, as she leaned in for a lukewarm hug.

    From there things felt awkward to me. Perhaps it was because I’d envisioned a different type of reception and expected my friend’s friend to be equally warm and enthusiastic. Instead, I felt like I was in an intense interview.

    My ego started to stir, criticizing me because I was not prepared to respond to what seemed like 21 questions.

    Feeling flustered over the visit, I was looking forward to meeting up with a friend whom I hadn’t seen in a long time for a catch up. To my dismay, I received a text saying she had to cancel and reschedule because something came up, but she promised she would make it up to me.

    I then got lost in myself. The voices in my head got louder, debating about my worthiness. I felt like a loser that day, and my ego felt deflated. 

    My emotions got the best of me over the most trivial things. And as much as I’d like to blame it on my hormones being out of whack because of jetlag, the truth is I was acting like a child. I was focused on all the “wrong” things that were happening to me, and I was consumed with myself.

    I knew I needed to purge what was on my mind, so I opened my laptop and started to type away. After about fifteen minutes, I felt better. My inner critic stopped and was under control.

    I decided then to check my Facebook page with a strict intention to find an inspirational post or article.

    Soon, I saw a post from a friend of mine who is one of the happiest people I know. She’s on a mission to make people smile and to change the world, one hug at a time.

    In her Facebook post, she revealed that she recently learned she has a rare form of cancer. And although she was shaken by the news, she realized it’s just an unfortunate part of her life’s journey.

    Instead of letting the news get her down, she is choosing not to feel sorry for herself, but to accept it and make the best of it. Or as she wrote, “laugh with cancer.” Because why live in misery, if she knows her time may be up soon? She might as well have fun and go out with a bang.

    Reading her post brought me to tears. It made me realize how self-absorbed I was that day, and how I wasn’t able to appreciate the good things around me because of it. I also realized I’d closed my mind to different ways of seeing things. It was all about me. My expectations.

    When my unspoken expectations weren’t met, I made up stories of what had happened, which led me to my self-pity party.

    It was a great reminder for me to:

    • Not sweat the small stuff
    • Pivot my thoughts to what feels good
    • Change my perspective on the things that happen
    • Refocus my energy on what can I do to serve others instead of being consumed with my own thoughts and feelings

    Once I shifted my attention, the world expanded. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. 

    I realized everything that happened to me within the last twenty-four hours was not just about me. There is more than what meets the eye, and it’s important to not be so quick to judge and form a conclusion about a situation.

    Often the stories we create in our mind are just figments of our imagination, and they do not represent a holistic picture of reality.

    For example, my friend’s friend was probably asking me a lot of questions because she was interested in getting to know me. But for some reason, because I was emotionally off that day, I interpreted her curiosity as interrogation.

    So the next time you are feeling sorry for yourself, turn your focus away from yourself, put yourself in someone else’s shoes, or look at the situation from a third person’s perspective.

    You’ll be amazed by how changing your focus and your thoughts will help soothe your mind and get you to a better feeling place.

    Sad woman silhouette via Shutterstock

  • How to Stay Calm in Frustrating Situations (Even if You Have Zero Patience)

    How to Stay Calm in Frustrating Situations (Even if You Have Zero Patience)

    No Stress

    “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~Buddha

    Uh-oh, you did it again.

    You fell into the same trap as last week.

    Perhaps someone was driving in front of you going 20 in a 55 mph zone, or maybe you received terrible customer service and couldn’t get your refund.

    So you snapped and lost your temper.

    Whatever the reason for your explosive reaction, you haven’t yet found a way to keep control and remain calm.

    Becoming impatient and losing your temper is sort of like smoking cigarettes. Sure, one or a few hundred won’t kill you.

    But compounded over time it’ll secretly damage you from within by alienating yourself, negatively influencing your kids, and indirectly pushing your spouse or close ones away.

    Despite your situation being a big deal, you may not know where to begin to fix it.

    You feel powerless to control it, so you continue sweeping it under the rug.

    How I Unknowingly Inherited and Cultivated an Unwanted Trait

    For most of my life and practically all stressful encounters, I’d become frustrated and lose my temper. I didn’t realize I was subconsciously “practicing” negativity each time I did that.

    I was acting out an unwanted behavior repeatedly, over and over to the point of mastering pessimism.

    I displayed an objectionable outburst for every resented encounter.

    Practice makes perfect, after all. And ultimately, I perfected being negative.

    Sigh … an unwanted skill so simple to obtain.

    My dad learned it from my grandpa, I learned it from my dad, and I’ve unintentionally passed it on to my two little daughters.

    My impatience infected my family. This endless cycle needed to end.

    For years, my family stuck with me no matter what, and my guilt coaxed me into trying to finally put a stop to it all.

    I tried many things over the years to conquer my impatience—everything from meditation to conscious laughter—and while these methods might help others, they didn’t really work for me.

    So I struggled trying new tactics—until I found what worked.

    Through a lot of trial and error, I’ve finally conquered it with the following techniques:

    1. Curse if you have to.

    We all know cursing is a bad habit to begin with, but we need to start somewhere, especially when reacting to situations that set us off.

    The moment you instinctively curse, take that as your audible cue to immediately inhale deeply. Visualize negative energy purging from your body as you exhale.

    Repeat a few more times to generate a feeling of calm and control.

    It can be hard to quit cursing cold turkey, so allow yourself to curse, notice when you do, and then use breathing exercises to calm yourself down.

    You’re ultimately aiming to replace your expletives with calming breaths the instant a stressful situation arises.

    It’s advisable to curse when alone—not at others or around those who might be offended (such as parents with children).

    2. Do not walk away to cool off.

    Instead of walking away to cool off, do the opposite and face the stress head-on by training your brain to “visualize calm” at the moment the stress occurs.

    I found that walking away is like a pause button. It only delays the inevitable but doesn’t fix the root of the problem. I wasn’t reprogramming my brain to react positively when the stimuli occurred.

    So for me, visualizing calm was my baby daughter sleeping; for others, a waterfall may do.

    When losing our cool, we snap without thinking.

    By forcing yourself to visualize calm the moment the stress takes place, you are essentially diffusing it as a potential trigger.

    You’re nipping it in the bud before it escalates.

    3. Fight stress with more stress.

    Creatively think of another stressful situation that’s ten times bigger than the one you have now, then juxtapose them to realize that your initial stress isn’t such a big deal anymore.

    These two stressors should be related to each other for this to work.

    So what’s worse: being late for a job interview, or getting into a mangled car wreck because you were tailgating?

    4. Learn to love your enemy in less than sixty seconds.

    Instead of becoming irate toward the person you feel has wronged you, visualize a loving family member, a caring friend, or anyone close to you in their place instead.

    Imagine for a moment that you’re driving to work going the speed limit when all of a sudden someone going half your speed abruptly cuts in front of you, prompting you to slam on your brakes.

    If that were a stranger, you would lose your mind in a heartbeat.

    But you can change the whole dynamic. If it were your mother, you would relax in a second and be thankful you didn’t accidentally hurt her.

    You’ll feel an overwhelming sense of peace and accomplishment when you can throw your ego out the window and care about a total stranger.

    And what if the person you’re frustrated by is a family member? For me, this one’s easy. I think of one caring act they have done for me in the past.

    5. Apply the asteroid scenario test.

    Simply put, if an asteroid hit Earth and life as we know it was about to end, you’d have a choice:

    Would you really spend your final days stressing and worrying about something you have absolutely no control over?

    Or would you be happy with your loved ones with whatever time you have left?

    Extreme situation, I know, but you need to decide and move forward.

    Learn to ascertain what you cannot control and acknowledge this with unwavering acceptance. Then focus on positive steps you can control instead.

    6. Accept criticism gracefully.

    By accepting criticism without malice, you are neutralizing any tension and strengthening your poise under pressure. You can think of it as psychological judo by redirecting someone else’s verbal attacks away from you.

    Yes, you will feel hurt and angry, and you’ll feel the sting afterward. That’s completely normal.

    But instead of retaliating impulsively and getting into a heated argument, remember that you can either leave this unstable mess as it is or you can add more fuel to the fire and make it bigger than it already is.

    Choose wisely and pick the lesser of the two evils.

    No matter what situation you face, know this fact:

    You have the power to make a choice. Never, ever give that power away.

    Don’t waste your precious energy on things that accomplish absolutely nothing.

    I’ve Finally Arrived

    It’s quite an achievement: I feel closer to my family than ever.

    I gradually see my daughters “unlearning” how to be impatient. They followed suit without being aware of it.

    It’s a work in progress, but pleasing nonetheless.

    It’s simply amazing how others absorb your warm energy.

    I communicate so much easier with my loving wife too. Of course, we do have minor quibbles here and there, but we don’t have any sarcastic sharp-tongue arguments now!

    Everything feels healthy and balanced.

    Start Small in the Right Direction

    Engaging in stress is a daily ritual all of us fall victim to with absolute ease.

    Make a conscious effort to catch yourself if you falter.

    Wait too long and you risk boiling it over. It’s too late if you’re already worked up.

    And if you’re dead-set on knowing you’ll fail, you will. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    So take a stand.

    Make an effort to change for the better each instance you feel something simmering from within you.

    Use perseverance as a vehicle to your destination.

    Your family, everyone close to you, and your own happy life are waiting for you.

    No stress image via Shutterstock

  • When You’re Frustrated by a Delay: 8 Reasons to Appreciate It

    When You’re Frustrated by a Delay: 8 Reasons to Appreciate It

    Waiting

    “All great achievements require time.” ~Maya Angelou

    We all have a picture of what we want in our heads.

    We get attached to a timeline for achieving it. We fantasize about the results and how it will bring us happiness.

    We begin to work hard to attain it.

    But when we don’t get it right away, we get frustrated. We want things to move as quickly as possible.

    If we want a relationship, we want to find our perfect partner as soon as we can. If we’re building a career or a business, we want success in months. If we want to master a skill, we expect to get good after several weeks.

    Right now, I’m in this in-between stage.

    I’m in between getting my dream off the ground and where I want it to be. Because my dream hasn’t materialized yet, there are days where I lose motivation, because deep down I feel that if it’s not happening yet then maybe it isn’t for me.

    I hate waiting; I hate this grey area zone that I’m in.

    I want the results now. I want the validation. I want to make sure that I’m not wasting time and that what I’m doing means something.

    But I’m learning that it doesn’t work like that.

    When we resist this period of time, it creates a lot of anxiety, but if we look closer we may find that the delay actually contains great lessons for us.

    I’ve been trying to live a more intentional life of happiness and meaning. But the anxiety I’m feeling doesn’t align with what I say I want—and it’s not even getting me closer to it. In fact, I’m creating more delay. I procrastinate, I resist, and I sulk.

    So I’ve made a conscious decision to understand the lessons.

    It was difficult at first, especially since I felt that “must have it now” feeling. The last thing I wanted to hear was that I needed to wait some more. I resisted this because I deluded myself into thinking that if I ignored it, perhaps things would move along at a faster speed.

    But over time, as the lessons got clearer, I got more inner peace and reassurance that things are moving at the right time.

    What can we learn from delays?

    1. A delay is an opportunity to let go of attachment to outcomes.

    When we let go of our attachment to specific outcomes, we’re better able to concentrate on our craft.

    This is something to appreciate, because what happens if the result isn’t what you imagined it to be? Will you stop creating? Will you stop working on your passion?

    2. A delay can help us realize how badly we want it.

    Do you want it badly enough to keep working at it despite not getting the immediate result you want?

    3. A delay can help us build a stronger foundation.

    It prepares us and helps us develop our muscles.

    Get better at your craft. Figure out ways you can better use it to serve others.

    We practice and learn during this waiting period so that when the time comes, we are equipped to handle it better.

    4. A delay can teach us to think outside the box.

    When our way is not working and we’re cornered, it can force us to come up with new ideas and new ways of doing things.

    5. A delay can teach us to accept that anything worthwhile takes time.

    It takes time for things to grow. It takes time to build trust. It takes time to build anything.

    The sooner we get this, the sooner we’ll free ourselves from anxiety, and the faster we’ll focus on doing what we need to do.

    6. A delay can teach us to be productive while waiting.

    When we’re able to accept that some things are out of our control and that things don’t always happen as fast as we’d like them to, we’re better able to be productive, since we’re not overwhelmed and distracted by fear and anxiety.

    7. A delay can teach us to acknowledge and appreciate progress.

    With conscious effort, I am able to see my accomplishments and all the progress I have made so far instead of discounting it just because I’m not yet where I want to be.

    This is important because it’s removed the resistance that kept me from doing the work I needed to do; plus, I feel more fulfilled.

    8. A delay can teach us to be grateful for what we will receive.

    Because I have put in my sweat and tears in starting my dream from the ground up, I will make sure I will do whatever it takes to nurture it and not take it for granted.

    —

    A delay it not a denial. Just because something isn’t happening now, that doesn’t mean it’s not for us.

    I still get impatient but it’s getting easier, because I know that a delay can serve a greater purpose, and our greatest good.

    So, if you’re going through a tough time right now and something isn’t quite materializing yet, hang in there. Find reassurance in knowing that a delay can actually benefit you.

    You may not see it now, but hold on to this faith. This will help you find inner peace and enable you to keep taking action so you can get closer to what it is you want.

    Photo by Luz Adriana Villa