Tag: flow

A Case for Joy in a Monetized World

“Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” ~William Bruce Cameron

My gardener and I were talking the other day—his English broken, my Spanish worse—but we found a way to connect.

He told me about his eight-year-old son, a bright, joyful kid who loves baseball. The boy wants to play. His mother wants him in tutoring. And somewhere in that gap, a bigger question emerged: what matters more—discipline or joy?

I didn’t plan to give advice, but it came out anyway. “Let him play ball,” I said. “Let him be part of a team, fall in love with something, feel what it’s like to give yourself to a game you care about.” Maybe there’s room for both—tutoring on weekends or part-time. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that too often, we push kids toward what’s useful before they know what they love.

That conversation stayed with me because it reflects something bigger and more troubling: almost everything in life now feels monetized.

From birth to death, we are priced and processed. Pregnancy is a billing code. Daycare is a business. College is debt. Even death has been streamlined into packages—premium, standard, economy.

Want to talk to a therapist? That’ll cost you. Want clean food? That’s extra. A safe place to live? Depends on your credit score. Even our time with loved ones feels rationed by work schedules and productivity apps. There’s a price tag on presence.

The monetization of everything is more than just an economic system—it’s a cultural atmosphere. It creeps in quietly, turning art into content, friendships into followers, and values into branding strategies. We trade attention for advertising, care for convenience. And as the world becomes more globalized, centralized, and digitized, this way of thinking spreads—efficient, scalable, and soul-numbing.

But there’s something that can’t be priced or faked: flow.

Flow is that immersive state where effort disappears, time softens, and we’re fully absorbed in what we’re doing. It’s the feeling of being completely alive and focused—not because we’re chasing a reward, but because we’re in tune with the task itself.

I remember pitching in Little League when I was ten. I wasn’t the best, but for one brief inning, everything clicked. I stopped thinking. The ball moved like it was part of me. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone—I was just there, inside the game. That was flow. And I’ve spent much of my life chasing that feeling through music, writing, teaching.

I’ve spent most of my life as a teacher, filmmaker, and writer. Not because it made me rich—it didn’t—but because it gave me something to live for. Now, at seventy, I help care for my 96-year-old mother, still trying to finish my life’s work with little to show for it in the bank. But the work still matters. So does she.

My mother’s caregivers—mostly women of color—show up every day. They help her eat, dress, and smile. They aren’t paid nearly enough, but they move through their days with compassion, grace, and humor. Their labor doesn’t fit into a tidy spreadsheet of profit. And yet it holds the world together.

I wonder: What happens to a society that forgets how to value the things that can’t be monetized?

We know something’s wrong, but we don’t know what to do. We still need to pay rent, buy groceries, find a way to survive in a system that rewards efficiency over depth, image over presence. There’s no clear answer. Just tension, quiet resistance, and sometimes—if we’re lucky—a moment of clarity.

So I say again: let the boy play. Not to win, or to be the star, but to feel the joy of running with others, of belonging to a team, of laughing, working hard, and learning—together. Let him build friendships that might last a lifetime. Let him feel what it means to be part of something larger than himself, where improvement matters more than trophies.

And maybe, just maybe, let him find flow. On the field, or even in tutoring, if the conditions are right—if the learning is alive and the focus is real. Because flow is the goal, whether in a game or a classroom. That’s where confidence is born. That’s where joy lives.

Of course, I know Little League can be its own kind of heartbreak. When the game becomes about dominance, when adults project their own regrets or insecurities onto the boys, when coaches forget it’s supposed to be fun—it can damage the very spirit it’s meant to nourish.

That’s why it takes the right coach. One who listens. One who knows it’s a boy’s world for a short while, and that this game, at its best, teaches how to care, to lose with grace, to try again, and to trust others.

I told his father all this in our clumsy mix of English and Spanish. I told him I hoped his son gets to play. Not because it will lead to anything measurable. But because it already is something valuable.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do is willingly open the door—and let the players play.

July 15, 2025
When You Stop Forcing, Life Flows
“You don’t have to force the flow—sometimes your only job is to soften and let go.” ~Unknown

For most of my life, I was obsessed with getting everything right. Planning. Controlling. Anticipating every outcome so I wouldn’t be caught off guard. I saw life as a kind of puzzle: if I just made the right moves in the right order, I’d get what I wanted. Peace, success, love.

But life doesn’t work that way.

The more I tried to control it, the more I felt out of alignment. I would burn out trying to make things happen. When something went wrong, I blamed myself for not anticipating it. I couldn’t relax because I was always tightening the reins, trying to steer the unknown.

Then one day, something cracked.

It was the winter of 2021. I was staying in a quiet village in southern Portugal, trying to piece my life back together after a painful breakup and the collapse of a startup I had poured years into. I’d gone there thinking solitude and fresh air would help me reset.

But nothing felt right.

I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t meditate. I couldn’t even enjoy the ocean—something that once brought me pure joy. Instead of peace, I felt stuck and overwhelmed. My mind replayed every decision I’d made over the past few years like a courtroom drama. “If only you’d done this.” “You should have seen that coming.” “You’ve ruined your shot.”

I sat on the beach one evening as the sun went down, feeling completely defeated. I remember watching the waves crash rhythmically against the rocks. They didn’t care about me or my mistakes. They weren’t rushing or apologizing. They were just… doing their thing.

That’s when it hit me.

Nature doesn’t force anything. A wave doesn’t strive to be taller. A tree doesn’t try to grow faster. They exist in a kind of trust—a natural cooperation with life. And somehow, despite all that ease, they thrive.

What if I’m the one disrupting my own flow by trying to control everything?

It wasn’t a lightning bolt. It was more like a soft whisper inside. But something shifted.

I started asking myself a new question each morning: “What would happen today if I didn’t try to control anything?”

I didn’t have to force myself to do nothing. I still worked, moved, made decisions. But I tried to stay present rather than five steps ahead. I let myself feel uncertain without reaching for solutions right away. I listened more—to myself, to life, to the quiet.

And over time, I noticed something strange. My anxiety started to fade—not all at once, but like a fog lifting. I stopped catastrophizing every decision. I felt a little more at peace, even if nothing around me had changed.

That’s when I began learning what I now call divine flow.

To me, divine flow is the current of life that we can either resist or surrender to. It’s not passive. It’s not about “doing nothing” or abandoning effort. It’s about cooperating with something deeper—something beyond just logic or planning.

It’s learning to recognize that there are seasons for pushing and seasons for resting. That sometimes what looks like a setback is actually an invitation to realign. That clarity often comes when you stop chasing it.

There’s a trust that builds when you live this way.

You realize you don’t need to have everything figured out. You can still move forward with intention—but without gripping so tightly.

Since then, I’ve built a life more aligned with who I am. I started creating wellness events focused on community and connection rather than perfection. I met people who inspired me simply by being themselves. I even learned to show up vulnerably, like I’m doing now, without needing everything to be polished or impressive.

I still have moments where I fall back into old habits—where I try to force outcomes or fix everything too quickly. But I catch myself faster now. I’ve learned that tension is usually a sign that I’m out of the flow.

If you’re in a space where things feel hard or disconnected, here are a few gentle invitations that helped me reconnect with the flow:
- Let yourself feel lost. You don’t need to rush to “figure it out.” Sometimes the most fertile growth happens in the spaces where we allow ourselves to feel confused and uncertain.
- Listen more than you analyze. Instead of trying to force answers, sit with your questions. Journal. Walk. Let thoughts come without needing to trap them.
- Release the timeline. Things don’t have to happen on your schedule. You’re not late. You’re not behind. You’re just unfolding.
- Ask for signs—but don’t cling to them. Sometimes life will whisper directions when you’re quiet enough to hear. But the key is to listen without expectation or pressure.
- Come back to your breath. When your mind spirals, anchor into the present. One breath. One step. One moment.
We can’t always choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we meet life. With resistance—or with curiosity. With fear—or with trust.

These days, I still sit by the ocean when I can. I still watch the waves. I remind myself that there’s a rhythm beneath everything—and that my only real job is to stay soft enough to feel it.

Maybe that’s all we ever needed to do.
July 11, 2025
To the Dreamers Reading This, I Want You to Know…

There I was, eating cereal and watching a CNN documentary about Kobe Bryant—yes, I mix deep life reflection with Raisin Bran—when his old speech teacher said something that made me pause mid-chew. He described Kobe’s approach to life as giving everything—heart, soul, and body—to his craft. No halfway. Just all in.

I sat there thinking, “Yes! That’s it!” That’s the very thing I try to convey to my students in class, usually while making wild arm gestures and accidentally knocking over a marker cup. I believe in that philosophy with every fiber of my chalk-dusted being.

High Risk, Deep Roots

But here’s the deal: it’s also terrifying.

This idea of going all in on your calling—it sounds noble and exciting and worthy of a motivational poster—but the truth is, it’s a gamble. A high-stakes, heart-first kind of gamble. Especially today.

I mean, the ancient world totally backed this idea. Aristotle called it arete—excellence as a way of life. The Stoics preached about inner strength, Japanese samurai gave us Bushidō, and every jazz musician who ever improvised their way to bliss knows the power of flow. Even athletes talk about that magical zone where time melts away and it’s just you, the court, the ball, and that buzzing sense of rightness.

Modern Metrics vs. Timeless Passion

But our modern world? Eh, not so much. Today, we value your output. Your metrics. Your monetization plan. It’s like we collectively replaced passion with performance indicators.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not against paying the bills. I enjoy food, shelter, and the occasional streaming service. But if you’re a young person with a dream that doesn’t come with a subscription model or an app-based hustle plan? Welcome to what I call “existential whiplash.”

You’re told, “Follow your bliss!” and “Live with purpose!” But the next second someone’s asking, “Yeah, but how will you monetize that?”

This contradiction is exhausting. And it gets inside your head. You start to think, “Maybe I’m wrong to want this. Maybe I should just do something safer. Maybe dreams are for people with trust funds.”

But here’s where I get a little loud in class—yes, I stand on chairs occasionally—and say: No. Your dream is not a liability.

It’s a pulse. A heartbeat. A spark. And you owe it to yourself to explore it—even if it’s hard.

Now, I won’t sugarcoat this: you can throw your whole self into something and not get the rewards you hoped for. I’ve lived that. I’ve made documentaries that reached small audiences. I’ve written things I thought would change the world and heard nothing but crickets. I’ve built programs that vanished when the grant money dried up.

But here’s the weird thing: I still wouldn’t trade it. Because in the pursuit—yes, even in the flops—I found something essential.

The Gift of Flow and Presence

Flow. Purpose. Connection.

When I was filming at dawn in a mountain village in the Philippines, or listening—really listening—to a student struggle their way into their voice, I wasn’t thinking about success. I was there. Fully. Mindfully. There’s nothing else like it.

Those moments are why we do the risky thing. Because we’re not robots. We’re not spreadsheets. We’re meaning-makers. And when we pursue something with full attention and intention, we tap into something sacred.

Still, let’s be real. In our society, even mindfulness has been commodified. There’s a subscription for calm. A brand for stillness. A market for minimalism. If I sound cynical, it’s because I’ve watched so many of my students get talked out of their deepest truths by the crushing logic of “practicality.”

Redefining Success

So, what do we do? How do we hold on to our inner compass when the GPS keeps yelling “Recalculate!” toward a safer, more profitable life?

I think it comes down to redefining what “success” really means.

I tell my students: don’t measure your life by likes, views, or even income (although, yes, make sure you eat). Measure it by the depth of your experience. By the risks you were willing to take. By the people you helped. By the moments you felt alive and grounded in something real.

A Quiet Life Can Still Be Epic

Because that’s what makes a life worth living. Not perfection. Not applause. But presence.

You can live a small-looking life with a vast inner world. You can chase something meaningful and not be famous. You can teach or paint or write or code or dance or build without needing to “go viral” to matter.

Yes, there are trade-offs. Believe me, I’ve wrestled with them. I’ve had months where I wondered if I made a mistake, if I’d be better off in a more stable career. I’ve asked myself whether it’s selfish to keep chasing ideas when I could be saving for retirement instead.

But then I remember: a life without dreams, without creative risk, without vulnerability? That would break me faster than any unpaid invoice.

This Is the Gift (and the Gamble)

To the dreamers reading this—especially the young ones, or the older ones just beginning again—I want to say this:

Don’t let the world’s cynicism shrink your vision. Stay mindful, not just in meditation, but in how you choose—how you spend your time, your energy, your attention. Live with full awareness, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.

Because that’s the gift of mindful living. Not constant calm or peace—but full contact with reality. The beauty and the fear. The creativity and the chaos. The risk and the reward.

Show Up Anyway

And maybe, just maybe, that’s the point. That life isn’t about winning. It’s about showing up fully, heart, soul, and body. Just like Kobe. Just like all of us trying to do this thing with courage.

I’m not indispensable. I’m not a guru. I’m just a guy who still gets goosebumps when a student discovers something real inside themselves. I’ve lived long enough to know dreams don’t always pay off, but they always teach you something vital—about who you are and what you care about.

And for me, that has always been enough.

May 22, 2025
How You Can Have More with Less: The Magic and Joy of Being Present

“Don’t let this silly world trick you into starving your soul for material things. Cause someday you’re gonna be sitting out under the sun and realize how little you actually need to be truly happy.” ~Brooke Hampton

It was early morning. The birds were chirping, the street sweepers were methodically clearing debris off the sidewalk, and the coffee vendor was chattily filling his customers’ cups with fragrant java from the dispenser precariously balanced on the back of his bicycle. There I was, taking a pleasant and serene walk while on my recent visit to India.

As I took a turn into a small sideroad, I noticed two little girls running around and playing. At first, I didn’t take much notice. But then something grabbed my attention.

The gleeful duo was scampering around chasing each other, squealing with delight, clapping their hands, laughing hard, and just plain enjoying each other’s company. Again, nothing extraordinary. But something was drawing my attention to them, and then I saw it.

They were pretty much absent of what we would define as typical material needs.

No toys to play with. No playground to run around in. Old, worn-out clothing. Disheveled hair. Not even any footwear while running around the street.

My first thought was, how could they be so happy? Do they not feel despondent or envious of other kids that have more? Do they not feel worried about their futures?

But none of that really seemed to matter. They were living life in the moment, completely and joyfully absorbed into their natural sense of play.

My next rationalization was “they are just kids,” ignorant to the social and economic structures and norms. Oblivious to how the world really works.

But then, I figured, we see this same level of psychic energy and consciousness in adults too.

A climber could spend hours on a rock face and be completely absorbed with the challenge, the interaction between her fingers and the next rock outcrop, the changing weather patterns, and the ultimate goal—the top of the cliff.

A violinist in an orchestra becomes the violin, completely engrossed with the activity of playing his part, but also being in absolute synchrony with the broader group.

A painter could spend hours honing her painting, unaware of her immediate surroundings.

So does this experience only come to fruition when the skills required are more refined or complex? Not really.

Take a factory assembly line, where two workers are next to each other doing the same repetitive task over and over again. One may be carrying out their task in a mechanical fashion, while the other may be immersed in their curiosity, with a sense of perseverance to continually improve their skills and quality of work.

Imagine two individuals standing next to each other at an art museum staring at a Rodin statue. One may be passing through and merely throwing a glance at the marble figurine. The other may be swept into a different realm, admiring the intricate contours and appreciating the level of difficulty and complexity of the art in front of her.

How does this happen? Why are the experiences for the exact same activity so different for two individuals?

I truly believe this is due to what I call the power of play.

And the beauty and simplicity of this is that it can work with anyone, in any activity, in any situation, or in any environment.

There are a few criteria we need to keep in mind to make an activity an optimal experience. Ask yourself these questions before you start any activity.

Can I actually do it?

The activity has to be achievable. In other words, you have the needed skill to complete it, or the ability and resolve to learn the skill.

Can I focus on it with my everything?

The activity should require your full concentration, and that’s usually possible when we are applying effort toward a goal and getting immediate feedback as to whether it is working or not. If not, we can find our concentration starting to wane.

Does it move me into a different mental axis?

This concentration and effort take us away from our day-to-day reality, and any negative connotations that may be encumbered with it—away from the worry, stress, anxiety, or fear that we may experience in our daily lives.

Will I “be present” in my being?

Our level of self-awareness is acutely sharpened, taking in all the ebbs and flows of our thoughts, feelings, and energy levels. This allows us to feel in control of our consciousness, our emotions, our life flow.

Can I alter time?

And finally, it changes the perception of time. Sometimes, say when playing an exciting game of tennis, time can swiftly fly by. Sometimes, like when we are excitedly learning some new dance steps, time and motion can slow down, and we appreciate these micro-moments.

When we leap off the diving board and plunge into this state of play, we experience a great sense of enjoyment—a feeling that the psychic energy we have consumed was worth it and has resulted in a great outcome, one that can be savored for a long time to come.

And that is how we can have more with less.

If we can make small, discrete changes to meet these criteria, it can make a transformational difference in whether we immerse ourselves into the experience or are “just in it for the ride.”

We can make every day, every activity, every experience, fulfilling and nourishing to our soul by simply being more present with what we’re doing and bringing more enjoyment to what we do. Pause and think about how you can make any activity more enlightening, and you will see it lightening your life as the heaviness melts away.

Just like the two little girls that were completely involved and enjoying the experience of play together, savoring life together.

They didn’t need anything more.

PS: The next day I bought those little kiddos some footwear, and the way their faces lit up was such a joy to see!

August 30, 2023
5 Ways to Use Movement (Not Exercise) to Support Your Mental Health

“Nothing is more revealing than movement.” ~Martha Graham

It seems like only yesterday that I was at home with a newborn, a kindergartener, two dogs, and a husband who, just like me, was working from home, when we were thrown into the unthinkable COVID19 pandemic.

It didn’t take long for the stress and tension to build in my body. The feeling of instability, uncertainty, and fear, not to mention the post-partum anxiety, took its toll on my body as it became more rigid, bound, immobile, and frozen.

All the ways I had relied on movement as exercise were taken away, adapted to in-home and Zoom learning, which unfortunately did not work for my schedule or home life. It was the first time in a long time that I was not able to incorporate dance into my week.

It seemed very hard to expand, stretch, even breathe, and that’s when it hit me. A little voice inside said, “You need to practice what you preach!” I needed to redefine movement and focus it on my mental health; connecting to movement for emotional well-being and not just for physical activity.

When most of us think of movement we think of exercise. While all exercise is movement, not all movement is exercise.

There are so many ways our bodies move, even involuntarily, that contribute to not only how we feel but what we think. Science tells us that molecules of emotion exist throughout the body, so wouldn’t it make sense that in order to manage those emotions, we need to tap into all the ways to move the body that houses them?

First, let’s look at what movement is. Movement is anything that allows the body to change position or relocate. This can be something as grandiose as running a marathon, or a resting heartbeat, blood pumping, even breathing. All of these examples involve parts of the body or the whole body shifting its position.

So, with this in mind, how are you moving right now? Now ask yourself, how is this movement impacting my mood in this moment? Is it supporting a healthy mindset or perpetuating a habit or behavior that contributes to a negative thought pattern?

In my case, as mentioned above, my movement was very limited, confined, and rigid. It was often impeded by another person, my newborn, who through no fault of his own needed me for survival. I neglected my own body’s needs and it took a toll on my mental health.

Changing the way you think or even feel actually comes down to changing how you move. So what can be done? Here are five ways you can use movement to support your mental health.

1. Focus on your movement right now.

When we focus on our movement in the present moment, we minimize the anticipation of what’s to come, which is often tied to fear or anxiety. We also mitigate dwelling on the past, which can harbor feelings of guilt and doubt.

Every movement is an opportunity to be in the moment, because every moment is found in movement.

Bring to mind one part of your body and simply become aware of its shape, how much space it takes up, if it has any rhythm, or even the lack of movement present. Begin to shift this part of the body in small ways and explore how this part moves.

I began to recognize that my body was closed and tight. So I intentionally made an effort to check in with my posture, giving myself an opportunity to stretch and expand in my body to counter the negative effects I was experiencing.

2. Cross the midline of your body.

When we engage in any cross-lateral movement, like walking, marching, or giving ourselves an embrace, we encourage one hemisphere of the brain to talk with the other. This boosts neural activity across the corpus collosum, which increases neuralplasticity, otherwise known as the brain’s ability to change. This allows new pathways to develop which directly corresponds to our emotional resilience, ability to problem solve, and think critically.

Begin by giving yourself a big hug or simply touching opposite hand to opposite knee. You could also try exercises or yoga poses that require you to cross your midline, like side bends, windmills, or bicycling while lying on your back.

3. Move your spine.

When you engage in movement of your spine, you tap into your self-awareness. This vertical plane of the body houses our core; beliefs, identity, moral compass. Bringing attention to the spine and any way it is able to move gives us the opportunity to become more aware of our inner world, how we feel, and what we need.

Keep in mind that you do not have to be flexible, but gently explore all the ways you are able to move your spine, rib cage, and even hips.

I like to start my day from the comfort of my bed, lying on my back, bringing my knees into my chest, and hugging my legs. As I tuck my chin, this allows my spine to curve as I attempt to connect head and tail.

4. Play with timing and space.

We move in familiar ways because we like comfort, even it that comes at a price for our mental health.

Our bodies tend to stick to a certain timing, pace, and even shape as we move through our world. When we change up the timing and shape or the space our bodies take up, we begin to challenge our minds by moving out of our comfort zone. This can be uncomfortable, but done in small bouts and with ease, can increase our window of tolerance or ability to manage stress.

Notice the natural pace of our movement (walk, gesture, etc.) and try speeding it up and/or slowing it down. Same thing with space, can you take up more space? How does that feel?

5. Move more, not better!

Increasing all the movements at our disposal makes us more resilient in our minds. When you only move in so many ways, then you can only think in so many ways.

When we move our bodies more, in new and unfamiliar ways, building a robust movement vocabulary, we increase our ability to transition through life, manage challenges, or at the very least, begin to connect with ourselves in a different way. This can lead toward more self-compassion and empathy.

When I began moving more throughout my daily life, I had more compassion for myself and my children, who were also struggling to make sense of the world, just like me. I could model my own need for regulation and safety in my body, and as a family we were better for it.

Your body, and its movement, is your greatest resource for emotional well-being and mental wellness. It often starts with noticing all the ways your body currently moves and inviting in new ways of moving whenever possible.

There is no wrong way to do this, as it is an individualized practice designed to harness your own mind-body connection. Furthermore, it’s not the movement alone that matters but the execution as well. Being mindful and intentional as you engage in this practice is vital.

Integrating the aforementioned tips into your lifestyle is a guaranteed way to A.C.E. your mental health. By becoming more AWARE of our movement, we can CHALLENGE our current behaviors and EXPAND our minds in order to live more emotionally regulated lives.

September 11, 2022
How to Keep the Love Flowing in Your Relationship

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”~Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island.

Have you ever noticed how with certain couples love and affection flow so naturally? Indeed, almost effortlessly. There is a good reason for this. These couples have learned to accept one another as they are, which leads to greater intimacy and a more vibrant love flow.

When we don’t accept our loved one for who and how they are—quirks, idiosyncrasies, annoying habits, and all—we are communicating to them that they are not good enough. That they fall short.

Who wants to feel that—particularly in matters of the heart?

Simply put, when you don’t accept your loved one as they are, it dampens the love flow.

Even porcupines know this! With thousands of quills attached to their body, they know that they must pull them in and touch paws, if they want to have a “close” relationship.

If porcupines manage to find ways to “accept” their “loved” ones, quills and all, shouldn’t we be able to as well?

Below are some key practices and mind-sets that will go a long way toward achieving that.

Don’t Try to Change Your Loved One

When you try to change another, you are not accepting them. Yet many of us constantly try to change our loved ones’ traits and habits or opine and advise what they should do differently.

Myself included!

I like neatness and order in our home, but it’s very difficult for my dear, loving wife to get rid of things, and clutter constantly piles up in our garage. In the early years of our marriage, I constantly tried to get her to dispose of unused items in our garage. I complained, pleaded, and even cajoled.

She paid lip service to me for a while and removed some clutter, only to have it reappear days later. When I continued harping, I was quickly met with, “You try taking care of the kids, doing the shopping, doing the laundry… and keeping the garage neat!”

Not exactly a recipe for a loving relationship!

I eventually realized that I was powerless over changing her ways, and that my continually trying to do so impacted our love bond.

As I began accepting my wife for who and how she was—clutter and all—it enhanced the love flow. Our bond is stronger than ever today.

Moreover, my acceptance brought me an unexpected gift. It allowed me to reflect on why (and when) I was so easily disheveled by clutter. I discovered it was almost always tied to my feeling anxious and stressed, usually about work or finances, or not being productive, or some general malaise.

Addressing these “personal truths” brought me peace of mind, and my wife’s clutter no longer bothered me.

Simply put, it was about me, not her!

It will help reduce your urge to control your loved one if you ask:

Do I really have the power to change my loved one?

In most cases, we don’t. The simple truth is that people will change when and if they choose or are able to do so, not because we want them to.

Reduce Your Expectations of Your Loved One

High expectations of our loved ones easily lead to disappointment, resentment, and disconnect.

My friend Margaret shared how her high expectations constantly dampened the romantic flow:

“Expectations have ruined countless intimate relationships I have had. I start out being fun and easygoing, but once the relationship begins to build, I start to expect a certain level of communication, contact, and time together… I almost don’t know I’m doing it. I hear the person say they feel pressure and like everything has to be scheduled, yet I continue. It is horrible and not the way I want to be. I understand I need to let go. I just don’t seem to know how to do it.”

Margaret’s quandary is not uncommon: few expectations at the beginning when the “love stakes” are low, and steadily increasing as the relationship becomes more serious.

One thing is clear, however: When you expect too much of your loved one, you aren’t accepting them.

Underlying many of our expectations are core needs we look for others to fulfill. For example, we may believe if our partner would be more nurturing or spend more time with us—instead of working so much or doing other things—we would be more content and less lonely. Or if she took more interest in our endeavors and passions, they would be more satisfying.

Consider, though, whether we are truly better off if our loved one does as we want or expect. Is our happiness and well-being that dependent on them? I suggest not.

When our focus and reliance is too much on our loved one, we lose sight of the changes and steps we can make to improve the relationship.

It can help reduce your expectations, if you ask yourself this question:

Are my needs something that my loved one can realistically fulfill?

Most often they are something that only we can.

Honor Your Loved One’s Choices

All people, including our loved ones, have their own life path and are entitled to make the choices and decisions that influence and ultimately determine that path.

We can have compassion for our loved ones and sincerely and lovingly want what’s best for them, but we cannot truly know what is best for them.

That’s because we look at things through our own history, prisms, and filters, not theirs. Hence, we should accept their choices, unless we or others are harmed by them. When we don’t, we aren’t accepting them as they are, and risk impeding and jeopardizing their path.

To be sure, this is not always easy. I have learned that I need to be more aware of my controlling inclinations and keep my ego in check or quiet that “I know what’s best” part of me.

I also need to remind myself that others’ points of view and choices have validity—for them.

Acceptance is a Choice

In the final analysis, accepting our loved one for who, what, and how he or she is, is a choice that each of us has to make. We are essentially powerless over changing their ways and traits that we dislike, and trying to do so makes things worse.

We are much better served by focusing on what we do have control over: our part or role in the relationship.

That includes our motives and attitudes, our actions and reactions, and our willingness to own up to our own shortcomings and part in relationship dysfunctions.

And remember, no one is perfect and without flaws, least of all ourselves!

I encourage you to choose acceptance—and improve the love flow!

February 23, 2020
How to End Your Stress and Live a Life of Peace and Balance

“To experience peace does not mean that your life is always blissful. It means that you are capable of tapping into a blissful state of mind amidst the normal chaos of a hectic life.” ~Jill Botte Taylor

I used to be a stress bunny. Something was always driving me to want to do better—to be more, to have more, to compete and win at everything.

I thrived on pushing myself, thinking achievement was a great thing.

I was also restless. I always had to be going somewhere—doing something—never sitting still. I was bored, frustrated, and trying to find happiness outside myself.

One day after I graduated from college, I became totally paralyzed by a rare syndrome and landed in the hospital. The doctors couldn’t tell me when or if I would ever walk again.

I soon understood why I pushed myself so hard. I was running from myself so I didn’t have to face all the inner thoughts that were fueling my stress.

Suddenly I couldn’t even walk away. I still wanted to run, but I was forced to lie there—tortured by my own racing thoughts.

Talk about stress! This frightening experience taught me many valuable life lessons. One of them is that stress has no redeeming value. You can live a much happier, more successful life by transforming your stressful inner thoughts.

Tying Our Emotions to Specific Outcomes Trips Us Up

We’re all striving for certain things in life. Security, love, happiness, purpose, success, and independence are among our top goals, however we define these for ourselves.

We live our lives trying to find happiness. But, as John Lennon sang, “Life is what happens while we’re busy making other plans.”

Sometimes our disappointments can be extremely jarring, like when I landed in the hospital. Other times life is on a roll, and we become elated. But then things turn, and we’re headed for a crash landing. Life’s ups and downs can be so distressing.

When we feel like we’re being torn apart, we learn to protect ourselves by not getting our hopes up about anything. But then we’re living a life of resignation, which isn’t fulfilling, either.

Tying our emotions to all the ups and downs is like stepping onto a perpetual roller coaster, riding through multiple dips every day. Why live with that kind of stress when a better alternative exists?

How to End Stress and Achieve a Life of Peace and Balance

Wayne Dyer said, “Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.”

If that sounds like giving up or giving in, that’s not what Dyer meant. He was referring to the flow of life. We can train ourselves to take advantage of this flow and stay in balance regardless of any temporary elation or dismay.

1. Loosen up on expectations and attachments.

When we expect something great to happen, we begin to set ourselves up for the roller coaster. We’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t happen, or happy if it does. Pair that with being emotionally attached to the outcome and wham—there’s an even bigger charge. You just stepped onto life’s roller coaster.

If you realize every situation offers growth and opportunity, you can more easily live without expectations. You can feel confident being open to whatever happens, knowing that you can appreciate good events and accept the challenge of things you feel are negative.

Some of us have a general fear that bad things might be just around the corner. Try to detach yourself from fear of what might happen and experience life as it unfolds.

2. Remember, nothing is permanent.

When life is great, we hope it continues forever. When we’re in a dip, we can’t wait until it ends. But nothing is permanent. That’s hard to remember when we’re stuck in a bad situation and hard to accept when life is good.

Reminding yourself that all things must end (and new situations will replace them) is a great way to begin detaching, and maintaining balance no matter what.

Being paralyzed and not knowing what was in store was terrifying. But I faced each day with hope that the paralysis would stop progressing. When it did, my doctor told me I had actually willed it out of myself because nothing he had given me had the power to stop it.

3. Catch yourself when you’re judging and evaluating.

Life just is. It’s easier to relax and meet it with a smile when you can. If you practice living and being in the moment, rather than evaluating how everything is affecting you, events will lose their grip.

Human beings experience physical pain differently than animals do. We exaggerate pain by thinking about how bad it is and how much we don’t want it. But we can get control of our pain by focusing on the actual size of the area it covers and how it truly feels. Observing instead of judging can help us see reality.

The same applies to events we label as bad. Next time, try to take your focus off of feeling bad long enough to assess the reality. Then shift your mind to finding a positive aspect of the experience or thinking about something good that is also happening.

For example, when I was still adjusting to being paralyzed and in the hospital, coworkers and neighbors who I thought were just acquaintances came to see me. I was amazed that so many people I hardly knew cared about what was happening to me. Experiencing this was a great comfort.

4. Use the signs life provides to guide you.

Life is like a flowing river. We can do three things when we jump in: We can go with the natural flow, letting the current carry us forward; we can try to go upstream; or we can hang onto a rock to try to stay put.

If we go with the flow, we’ll be carried along peacefully. If we try to go upstream, we’ll have a real battle on our hands. If we hang onto a rock, we’ll risk being battered against that rock.

Why not take the easy route and go with the flow? This doesn’t mean you can’t shoot for your goals. It means be aware of signs that your chosen path is on or off target. If you’re struggling too hard, try a different approach.

For instance, if you’re beating your head against the wall trying to convince someone to love you and it’s not happening, try finding a different wall with an open door.

5. Find the natural flow of life.

With more practice, you’ll begin to see solid evidence of the flow of life. Experiment to find it so you can really trust and let go.

Maybe you have far too much on your plate for one person to handle, and you always end up completely stressed over not being able to get things done. This is so common today.

Stress further slows your progress as you worry about whether you can ever catch up.

Try stepping back, relaxing, and taking a bigger view. Focus on believing that everything will get done in its own time if you take one step at a time. When you do this, you’ll find that things will fall into place with less effort on your part. You’ll experience the flow of life.

Every day, give yourself a simple list of two important things you want to work on that day. This will ensure that you get to those two important items, which likely isn’t happening if you’re reacting to all the little distractions. Doing so also allows time to handle most of those little items too.

I’ve done this for several years, and I’m amazed at how much more I accomplish, with less stress.

Ending your stress is in your power—what a relief!

—

I survived my ordeal with paralysis and healed perfectly in a few months. This experience was a wake-up call that taught me to stop stressing so much, appreciate life, and live it to the fullest. To do that, I slowed way down and learned what a gift it is to live in the moment, open to whatever life brings.

Like any major challenge, the experience showed me how strong I can be. This helped me reduce general fears of what might happen in the future.

It was a great reminder that even horrible situations are only temporary, and since I can learn so much from them, it’s better to look for the lessons than to focus on how bad things seem.

Life can’t always be just the way we want it. But if we go with the flow and work with each situation as it is, we will often be surprised that things turn out better than we wanted.

A balanced life that is far less stressful makes everything more enjoyable.

April 7, 2016
Let Yourself Receive: You Don’t Have to Put Yourself Last

“Once you get used to people giving to you as much as you give to them and receive all of the benefits of a less stressful life, you will not consider putting yourself last.” ~Amanda Owen

Recently a good friend of mine helped me with a workshop project. She formulated spreadsheets, answered multiple emails and questions, provided feedback to my group, and then participated in the actual event by doing a demonstration.

“I’m not going to cash your check,” she told me the following week, after receiving my offering for the work she did. “I just want to give this to you as a gift. You are my friend; I don’t want to get paid.”

This made me mad.

Well, not really mad, because this is my BFF we’re talking about. But it bothered me that she couldn’t receive and didn’t understand the gift she could give me by doing this simple thing.

The act of receiving with gratitude allows the giver to feel joy. Giving and receiving is a two-way exchange of energy that can nourish both parties, as long as the receiver can receive.

Our conversation lasted longer than I wanted it to.

“I get what you are saying,” she replied, and then I had to hear the word that made me know she didn’t get what I was saying: “but.” “But I really want to help you because you are my friend. I didn’t really do that much.” We continued in a circular argument.

“I need you to think about this differently,” I added, trying to rephrase my point, but it wasn’t going well.

Then I realized I was doing the same thing I was criticizing her for. How could I ask her to receive if I couldn’t receive the gift she was giving me by helping me out for free?

I love her for not wanting to be paid, for doing this for me out of the goodness of her heart, and she has a big one. I see the big gift she is trying to give me. I’m not ungrateful. I am a little stubborn though.

I wanted her to understand one of the basic laws of the universe—that you deny a person the basic joy of giving if you do not receive. But by not receiving her gift I was not being the best teacher. My resistance was stopping up the flow of abundance, and I was denying her joy.

I imagined that she was stopping up the flow by being unable to receive my check. So instead of feeling immense joy and excitement over being able to pay her, I felt dejected, which I know wasn’t her intent. Her intent was quite the opposite.

It’s all about connection, flow, and a dynamic exchange of energy.

When I give (energy, time, money, love, kindness) and someone receives it openly and gratefully, there’s now an open, flowing channel for more energy, time, money, love, and kindness to flow to me. My heart (and abundance) is in your receiving hands.

Understanding this means that I should have gladly accepted her gift of help. Instead, I was stuck in the need to be right and I couldn’t practice the lesson I was trying to teach!

Flow can be stopped up by only being a giver or only being a receiver. We need to practice an active balance of both.

We all know those who admittedly call themselves “givers.” I’m one of them. I picked a caregiving field as a career. I was brought up to believe that it is better to give than to receive. Over the years, I’ve seen people who give for a living burn out or get sick. I know there is a better way.

I was also brought up to be mindful of the needs of others. The hidden addition to that line is “before myself.”

No parent wants to teach their kid to be selfish, so we teach them to put everyone else first. How do we teach our children to be both good givers and good receivers? To be mindful of their own needs and those they love equally?

We must model to our children a life that fills us up. A life that is nourishing to our minds, bodies, and souls will create an overflow from which to give.

Wouldn’t it be nice to give freely from an overflow of energy, time, money, love, and kindness rather than try to give from our reserves and end up burning out? It’s not just nice, it’s spectacular! This kind of giving feels effortless, but it has to come from a fully nourished you.

We can do this by receiving and nurturing ourselves first. Here are a few ways I have learned to receive and create this kind of overflow:

Rest when tired.

I know that if I am exhausted, nobody will benefit. I take opportunities to get extra sleep when I can instead of grabbing the second or third Starbucks that day. I listen to my body and relax when it gives me signs of pain or fatigue.

Pushing through pain or fatigue only depletes you further and increases the risk of illness or injury.

Say no more often to allow time for rest and rejuvenation.

It’s hard to say no if you are a giver. But saying yes to everything will burn you out fast. I have learned to prioritize my life in a way that helps me only say yes when I really mean it so I can give from a place of excess.

Ask for and accept help when necessary.

I have learned that asking for help is crucial, and have gotten better and better at asking for and receiving it. You won’t get extra brownie points for doing it all alone. You will just burn out.

Get still. A lot.

Carving out time in my day for stillness, quiet, meditation, or breathing is so important to replenish my energy. I no longer value going from sunrise to sundown without a break. I realize that the more I am able to take this kind of time for myself, the more I am able accomplish during my “doing” times.

I have learned to recognize and separate myself from the voice that tells me I’m not worthy of receiving. I can also recognize guilt as an old, conditioned way of feeling.

Once you understand the amazing flow that is created when there is an equal exchange of giving and receiving, you will look at each moment as an opportunity to do things a little differently.

When you are filled up, fiercely alive, and overflowing with energy and enthusiasm, you can give from the stuff that is spilling over.

How can you give the gift of receiving? By receiving, you not only nourish yourself, you nourish and empower the giver. The real flow of giving and receiving can heal the world!

Girl giving boy a flower image via Shutterstock

May 26, 2015
When YOU Disappear Your Masterpiece Appears

“Happiness is absorption.” ~T.E. Lawrence

During my years in university, there was a cook that I remember to this day. He worked in the university grill. He was well known amongst the students and staff. For his happiness.

Whether it was 6AM or 6PM, whether it was weekday or weekend, sunshine or hail, he greeted everyone with a boisterous “Good morning. How are you this morning?”

There might have been forty people in the breakfast line and he would greet every single one the same way. Many, including myself, would often wonder how it was that a man could be so joyful. Regardless of the time or the day.

While this was the quality he was most known for, I found another which was even more impressive.

I once snuck into the kitchen to watch him cook. I wanted to see this man in his natural state. What was he like behind the scenes?

As he would make a grilled cheese sandwich, he would place the bread onto the grill as if it were made of glass. He placed two pieces of cheese onto the bread and he took his spatula and he pressed down evenly and gently.

His left hand poured a small bit of oil onto the pan, while his right handled the spatula. He placed the sandwich onto a plate. Precisely in the center. He took a knife and pressed his left palm upon the top of the blade and pressed down, and then after it was cut he flicked his left hand into the air as if it were a show.

But there was no one there to watch. No one that he knew of, that is.

Suddenly one of the servers dropped a plate which fell and shattered about thirty feet from him. He didn’t so much as flinch. His focus remained on the sandwich. On his ultimate creation. All the while, his lips remained pursed in concentration. His sleeves hung loose at the wrist. The entire affair was done with such rhythm, such grace. It was a ballet.

I remain convinced to this day that he did not even hear the plate fall.

I have spent years giving myself to my endeavors. It was difficult in the beginning. Distractions were the order of the day. And the mind was difficult to settle.

But it is much easier now. In fact, I have used this approach not only with work but with my daily existence. And things happen of their own accord. Whether it is playing the piano or writing a discourse, the fingers seem to find their own way. The instincts and the motions come to me rather than from me. And I sit watching the beautiful dance unfold.

This, my friends, is what I have discovered is the secret of making a masterpiece of your craft.

Society, from childhood forward, is taught to do things according to a certain technique. In a certain way. According to a certain methodology.

Superiors judge the individual for how well they follow the methodology. How good the result is. And whether every direction is adhered to. The type of individuals that are created in this manner are not leaders but followers. What is being taught is not creativity, but mimicry.

Is it a wonder that the creative, the elite, in any discipline are so few? It is not that only a subset of human beings harbor creativity. It is that only a subset choose to nurture it.

The world is addicted to the “how to.” And there is no shortage of individuals to indulge them.

Creativity is a profound rebellion. That which comes from a sacred place within you is far superior than that which comes from the world around you.

The secret of work lies not in the comparing of the result against a prevailing standard. The secret of work lies not in following a recipe. The secret of work lies not in the praise that it garners.

The secret of work lies in the state of the human being performing it. The secret of work lies not in mindfulness. But mindlessness.

Mindlessness?

Yes, mindLESSness.

If you examine an event or a time in your life when you created something valuable, a masterpiece of your creation, you will find that time disappeared. During those minutes or hours in which you worked, nothing else in the world existed. You were the only person in the world. And your task was the most important thing in the world.

There was no time. There was no distraction. There was no mind.

And most glorious of all, there was no YOU.

Your hands worked of their own accord. Dancing to a rhythm all their own. Neuronal impulses traveled directly from brain to fingertips, bypassing YOU altogether.

There was no thought of what it might look like. There was no hope of anyone liking it. There was no fear of it being ridiculed. The entire affair was thoughtless, mindless, and egoless. This is how masterpieces are created.

In the end, it is YOU that stands between you and your masterpiece.

When you become lost in what you are doing . . .

When the mind goes away . . .

When YOU disappear . . .

Your masterpiece appears.

Zen man image via Shutterstock

November 17, 2014
Want More Joy in Life? Prioritize Things You Enjoy Doing

“I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.” ~Joseph Campbell

Because I am self-employed, I often find that my work is my life. There is no off switch when the day is over. Some days I get so caught up in the busyness that I completely forget myself.

While my work is immensely meaningful and enjoyable, I believe it’s important to have other activities outside of work that bring us joy so we can live even fuller lives.

When I get too caught up in my work of helping others, I forget the other things that are important to me. This makes me feel that I lack the balance of a multifaceted life.

One day I realized that I was so caught up in helping other people that I completely forgot to help myself. As an introvert, it’s important to recharge my batteries by pursuing activities that recharge the soul.

So I sat down with a pen and paper and did what most busy people do: I wrote a list.

This was a list with a difference.

I wrote down every single activity I enjoy. I wrote down every single activity I hadn’t tried but wanted to. And I wrote down every single place I wanted to visit.

This was the beginning of actively creating joy in life. You can make of life what you will. Personally, I choose happiness.

In positive psychology, a method for finding happiness and joy is being in a state of flow. You already know this feeling. It’s when you are completely tied up in what you are doing and you lose track of time because you are so engaged and stimulated in your activity.

Often, activities that put us in a state of flow are creative—things like painting, playing music, cooking, sewing, reading, writing, and doing arts and crafts.

Other activities that often put us in this flow state are physical. This could be gardening, hiking, bike riding, yoga, golf, and any other physical activities we enjoy.

For ultimate happiness and health, I believe it’s important to pursue both creative and physical activities. Stimulating your mind and body leads to greater intelligence and a heightened state of awareness.

Some might say to get into a state of flow you need to get a hobby. I think perhaps this is true. When was the last time you heard someone say they have a hobby?

Hobbies seem to be something of the past. Today we are so busy. We get so caught up in work, family, relationships, pleasing other people, and technology that we forget to do the things we enjoy for ourselves.

This is where my list came into play. It ended up being a multi-page list of every hobby I ever had, every activity I enjoy, and every activity I wanted to try. I then made it a priority to do at least one “happiness activity” every week.

Taking time out of our regular day-to-day work and finding new ways to enjoy life is essential to our happiness and well-being.

If your life is very busy, do not be fooled into thinking you have no time for hobbies. Everyone has fifteen minutes available, even if it cuts into your sleep or email time.

Although fifteen minutes may not feel like enough time to get into a state of flow, it is enough time to feel joy and happiness. With a bit of practice, you might find you get into such a state of flow that fifteen minutes turns into an hour. Over time, you may find that these pursuits of happiness overtake the importance of busyness.

If you think you have no hobbies now, the best way to find out what you enjoy is to remind yourself what you enjoyed as a child. Did you previously enjoy baking? Or drawing, or playing music, or playing football?

Write yourself a list of every activity you ever enjoyed and every activity you’d like to try but haven’t yet. Pick one thing that you previously enjoyed immensely, and set yourself an appointment to give it a go again. When you are ready, set an appointment for one new activity you have never tried before.

Your life could be transformed by this one simple act: making it a priority to do the things you enjoy.

Ideally, you want to set time for this daily. I completely understand that this is difficult to do. At a bare minimum, you want to schedule it in weekly.

Personally, I like to set aside one day every week to go for a hike. But sometimes if I don’t have time for that, I like to pick up my flute and improvise. If I only have a spare fifteen minutes to do this, I find the time just flies by, and it only feels like five minutes.

Doing something like this is so good for my soul. I find that if I don’t schedule flow time, then I feel tired and overwhelmed with life. It is so important to me that I actually write it down in my diary and stick to it like any other important appointment.

We can all experience more joy in our lives. We just need to consciously choose to create it.

February 10, 2014
When to Go with the Flow & When to Expand Your Comfort Zone

“Be bold, be bold, and everywhere be bold.” ~Herbert Spencer

I’m actually much more of a proponent of “going with the flow” then going against it. And sometimes forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do can be considered going against the flow.

But I do that for a different reason, and not everyone would agree.

I have two schools of thought. On the one hand, expansion is inevitable. We’re always called to become more than we are in life. It’s the nature of being human.

On the other hand, there’s something called “homeostasis.” Like a thermostat that’s set to a certain temperature, it will always self-regulate. If it gets too hot, the air will kick in to bring it to a cooler temperature. If it gets too cold, it will start flowing hot air. Whatever the gauge is set to, the thermostat will regulate.

Similarly, there’s an unconscious process within us that self-regulates. We have relationship set points, money set points, and weight set points. We have comfort zones—sometimes ones that we’re completely unaware of.

That’s why people who win the lottery can go back to being at the same level of income or bankrupt in less than six years. Their unconscious financial set point didn’t change because they won a million dollars.

Like the thermostat programmed to monitor the gauge, their unconscious thermostat brought them back to where they were comfortable. They can win millions and within years, they are back to where they started.

I suspect that if you redistributed the wealth in the country and equalized it among all people, it would re-distribute exactly the same way within three years, according to people’s set points.

I say all of that to say this: Yes, expansion is our nature, but we also come up against our own homeostasis—our own comfort zone. We don’t want to move out of what we know. (more…)

January 10, 2011