Tiny Buddha

Tag: fights

  • I Thought I Was Protecting My Peace, But I Was Just Avoiding Conflict

    I Thought I Was Protecting My Peace, But I Was Just Avoiding Conflict

    “Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.” ~Brené Brown

    If the title of this post gets under your skin, don’t worry, it gets under mine, too. I have a fierce aversion to conflict. That doesn’t mean I won’t engage in it, but it does mean that I’m very open to any suggestion that might give me license to not engage in it.

    So, when I learned the phrase “protect your peace,” I found myself particularly drawn to it.

    The concept of protecting your peace is one of conflict avoidance. It connotes the idea that some arguments are not worth having, and some people are just not worth arguing with.

    Protecting your peace, in those cases, means choosing to disengage for the sake of your sanity. You end the conversation, block their number, and go no contact.

    And believe me when I say there are literally so many circumstances in which this is the correct and proper route to take. I refuse to waste my breath on someone who isn’t listening—particularly if they’re also committed to causing me pain. I have found protecting my peace in those cases to be a very effective tool that I wield generously.

    That said, l do sometimes wonder if the idea of protecting my peace has become an excuse to avoid any conflict—even the kind that I probably need to address head-on. It’s just so damn seductive to think of never having to tangle with other people. If someone hurts or disrespects me, I get to protect my peace!

    I can just walk away without acknowledging what they did. I can even feel good about it because I’m protecting my peace, after all.

    But what lesson am I teaching myself and others when I do that? What message does it send when I allow the idea of “protecting my peace” to turn me into a doormat for other people to step on? At what point does protecting my peace become disrespecting myself?

    Almost three years ago, my husband and I separated and were on the brink of divorce. Our marriage had been through too many hardships for one couple to bear, and the anger and resentment we’d built up toward each other was destroying the steady love we once shared. We weren’t sure if separating could save the marriage, but we decided to give it a try.

    During the six months we were separated, we both spent a lot of time in therapy confronting the ways we were both showing up negatively in the relationship. For me, it was stuffing my feelings and exploding later instead of speaking about them when they were still manageable.

    In the name of “keeping the peace” I was fostering resentment, hostility, and even fury. My refusal to communicate my needs and feelings was poisoning both me and my marriage from the inside out.

    What kept me silent was a simple yet devastating truth: I believed that speaking my needs and standing up for myself when things were difficult made me a cantankerous or difficult person. Perhaps, if I’m really honest, I didn’t think anyone would want to put up with me if I came with expectations—if I insisted on being treated the way I deserve.

    So, I gulped down the burning tonic of hurt and disappointment and called it “protecting my peace.” Doing otherwise would have meant stirring up “conflict,” and if I created conflict, then why would my husband (or anyone, really) want to put up with me? By avoiding conflict, I could carry on pretending like everything was fine while I built a wall of resentment, one brick at a time, between me and the person I loved most in the world.

    A very hard lesson I’ve only just begun learning is that sometimes standing up for myself is the route to peace. Sometimes holding people accountable for their behavior is how I teach them and myself what I’m worth. While avoiding conflict might feel good in the short term, in the long term it can have disastrous consequences for my self-esteem.

    I can attest firsthand that it already has.

    Not only that; extreme conflict avoidance can also affect my social well-being. Although conflict is never pleasant, conflict resolution can be very pleasant indeed. It’s what allows me to reclaim relationships, heal wounds, and grow together with the people I love instead of apart. If I let myself become too rigid in my conflict avoidance, I only stand to alienate ourselves from others. This is a lesson that, if I hadn’t begun learning sooner, would have cost me my marriage.

    I am learning, slowly but surely, how to articulate my difficult feelings. I’m finally summoning the courage to say the hard things, to speak up when I’m hurt or upset, and to clearly and kindly say what I need instead.

    In doing so, I am watching my relationships begin to thrive like never before. Most importantly, both through this work and the work my husband has done in his approach to our relationship, we have saved our marriage.

    It’s not always easy. In fact, sometimes speaking up creates more discomfort in the short term than stuffing things down like I used to. But for once, I am finally showing up fully and authentically.

    I have stopped swallowing poison and instead have begun giving myself the healing salve of self-expression. Despite the momentary discomfort that comes with allowing conflicts to come to the surface, the long-term joy of conflict resolution and mutual understanding always wins out.

    I guess, like most things, protecting our peace without avoiding healthy conflict and dialogue is about finding balance (which, I’m learning, is a skill we appear to be losing as a society). We have to learn when to protect our peace, when to stand our ground, and how to know the difference between the two. For now, I have a few questions I ask myself when deciding which path to take.

    This list of questions needs further thinking and perhaps some retooling, but here’s what I’ve got so far:

    1) Is this person someone I want to remain in a relationship with?

    2) Do I trust this person to listen to me if I share how they made me feel?

    3) Do I think there might be long-term damage to my self-esteem and self-image if I let this go unaddressed?

    4) Is it safe for me to engage in this conflict?

    If the answer to these questions is yes, I will summon the courage to engage in the conflict. I know that the conflict still might not be resolved, but at least I’ve done my best. If the answer to these questions is no, I am better off protecting my peace and walking away.

    Maybe I’ll schedule a phone call with a trusted friend or a session with my therapist to talk through my feelings about the situation. At least then I will get some validation and empathy, which will help me keep my self-esteem intact. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but with time, I do think having a system in place will help me find a balanced approach to handling conflict.

    I owe it to myself to try. And so do you, dear reader.

  • We’re Simply Communicating

    We’re Simply Communicating

  • How to Overcome Relationship Conflict with the Internalized Other Practice

    How to Overcome Relationship Conflict with the Internalized Other Practice

    “You can only understand people if you feel them in yourself.” ~John Steinbeck

    In the early stages of my relationships, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what the other person was thinking. Hours of pondering whether they liked me, over-analyzing every text message, and worrying that every fight meant it was over.

    Over time, in a good long-term relationship, these challenges settle down. While longevity is not the only marker of a successful relationship, feeling safe and comfortable with someone over a decent stretch of time is undoubtably lovely. All those fear-based worries and insecurities fade, that feeling of being ‘on your toes’ disappears, and you finally feel like you can settle into something.

    However, a few years into my current and most serious relationship, there was something that continued to be a struggle. That struggle is mirrored by clients in my work as a counselor and relationship coach today. And it’s probably the most important thing we can address, as a partner and human being.

    In order to truly understand and empathize, we need to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.

    How many times have we heard these words? How many times have we said them?

    And yet, is it something we are genuinely capable of?

    If so, how do we do it?

    I know for myself, it’s much harder than it seems. If I’m honest, my desire to be understood can override a desire to understand my partner. Sometimes I’m mystified as to why they don’t see things as I do. Isn’t it obvious that I’d be upset if you don’t want to spend time with people I love? If I get stuck making all the plans for our next holiday? Frustrated when you don’t speak up? While some of this is just a normal part of being in relationships, we can get stuck in misunderstandings that spell the death of connection.

    For instance, we might actively avoid understanding the people we are closest to. In the early days when they’re speaking of past hurts, we can listen wholeheartedly because we are not implicated in these situations. But if we are the cause of the hurt, we tend to leap to explanations or even excuses before empathizing and accepting. We want to get past the hurt quickly so we don’t have to feel bad or vulnerable.

    I remember once making what I thought was a ‘joke’ comment to my partner, and when they told me how I’d hurt their feelings, I dismissed it because I didn’t perceive it as hurtful. Deep down, though, I knew this wasn’t an isolated incident. I felt ashamed, and for a time this yucky feeling got in the way of me wanting to truly understand.

    This shame I felt at hurting my partner ended up becoming a catalyst for change. I was able to reflect and eventually understand how and why my partner felt hurt, and it completely changed my response.

    I stopped feeling self-protective and was able to apologize from a meaningful place. More importantly, I went forward from there really considering how my words might affect this person I love. And while I don’t always get it right (no one’s perfect), things got much better and we are happily ensconced nine years later.

    I did this by holding an ‘internalized other’ interview with myself.

    When I came across the ‘Internalized Other’ exercise, from family therapist Karl Tomm and used in the narrative therapy sessions I do, I realized this practice could be a game-changer in my relationship as well as many other people’s.

    Because the reality is that understanding others takes practice. Even if you’re innately empathic, genuinely putting yourself in a particular someone’s shoes can be a challenge when you are directly involved with them.

    This is the practice of embodying the full lived experience of an internalized significant other. Internalizing another person for the duration of a deep conversation (with them or with oneself) can make it possible to get out of stuck places, increase empathy, and allow new perspectives to bloom.

    More commonly, it’s a powerful tool used in a relationship therapy/coaching conversation with your partner present. It’s undoubtedly easier to do with a third party interviewing you, but you can try it with your partner where both of you embody the other. This is also something you can do on your own with a journal. The main thing you need is a true desire to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.

    I should mention now, this is not for everyone and every relationship. It’s a challenging process. If you’re in a relationship where you are regularly being undermined or uncared for or things are generally toxic, this isn’t something you should do, and I recommend seeking professional help. But if your mental health and relationship communication is pretty good, then full steam ahead.

    The simplest description of an internalized other interview is that you answer a series of questions as if you are this significant person and not yourself. The questions tend to start light and get more personal and deep as you go on.

    It sounds easy, but it’s incredibly difficult. Most people slip into themselves fairly quickly, especially if we’re discussing a perceived injustice or a hurt. Stuck places hold us captive, but it’s vital we learn to break free from them.

    That’s why it’s important to not just think about the person but try to embody them. If you are doing this in conversation, get up and swap seats. If you’re alone, try sitting in their usual chair or on their side of the bed. Maybe have an item of importance to them in your hands or in your line of sight. You could even put on a favorite T-shirt if that’s not too silly.

    Then begin with some questions. Remember to use your partner’s name regularly to keep reminding yourself that you’re them. In this example, Charlie is trying to internalize Alex:

    1. The simple questions

    What’s your name? When’s your birthday, Alex? Where are you from and what do you like about your hometown? What do you dislike about it? Who’s your favorite musician? Where do you love going out for dinner, Alex? Are you a cat or a dog person and why? What makes you laugh?

    You can have a little fun here, before hitting the more serious stuff. If you slip up, slow it all down. It’s not a race to get everything ‘right.’ It’s about the energy you’re putting into the embodiment process. Take your time with step one. Wait until you start feeling a little more natural answering questions as this other person. This is the beginning of ‘internalizing’ the other.

    2. The personalized questions (that could stir a touch of conflict)

    Why do you keep that top with all the holes in it, Alex? What’s going through your mind when Charlie is cooking dinner? Why did you go out last Friday night even though you were tired?

    As you can see, some of the answers are going to be hard to come by. They might be questions you’ve wanted to ask your partner with genuine curiosity, so here’s your chance to try answer them. You aren’t just guessing though; this is still your interpretation of them. So focus less on getting it ‘right’ and more on the feeling you have of this internalized other person.

    Assume your partner isn’t motivated by selfishness or hurtfulness and go in with some real consideration and generosity of spirit. You’re spending time in their mind, in their heart, which is a privilege. Go back to step one if you’re really stuck here, and keep moving between step one and two until it feels more comfortable.

    3. The relational questions (getting to the heart of the matter)

    How do you feel about discussing this stuff today, Alex? What is your relationship to Charlie? How long have you been together? What drives you up the wall? What do you find most challenging about this relationship, Alex? What do you think the cause of these problems is? What happened last Friday? Can you describe it, Alex? How did you feel when this thing happened with Charlie? What did it get you thinking and wishing in regards to Charlie? What makes you feel more closed or more open with Charlie?

    As you can see, there’s a mix of questions here, ranging from broader relationship struggles and perspectives to more specific incidents. It’s up to you which direction you take this if you’re doing this on your own in your journal, or doing this as a couple without a therapist.

    Diving into something very specific (especially something that happens regularly) can be most helpful though, because these are the places we find ourselves most stuck and can even be the tipping point in whether a relationship continues. Be prepared for lots of emotions to arise here. You may need a hug or a cry, but don’t give up; this is also where the magic happens.

    4. More relational questions (with love and positivity, to wrap up)

    What do you like about being in a relationship with Charlie? What would you like Charlie to know that you appreciate most about them? What would be important for you to let Charlie know, Alex?

    This step is an invitation to bring things down and remember that the other person loves you (even if you’ve just been digging into the ways they’re struggling with the problems). Be kind to yourself. Internalized othering can be just as meaningful when exploring why we are uniquely loved by the other, so don’t stop at the problems.

    When I went through this process on my own, I found myself knocked for six. Intellectually I knew I had hurt my partner. But until I truly internalized their experience, I still believed that if they just understood I hadn’t meant anything by my comment, they would get over it. When I allowed myself to feel their feelings it was humbling. Only then was I able to change. As an added bonus, I find myself being curious all over again about this person on a daily basis.

    Internalizing another can be truly profound. You can solve a specific issue, you can look at a broader set of issues, and ultimately strengthen the flow of love between you. Even if you just do this process once with full commitment, the increase of empathy and ability to lay down defensiveness and become fascinated by someone you love (again) is nothing short of extraordinary.

  • How Sensitive People Can Stop Taking Things So Personally in Their Relationships

    How Sensitive People Can Stop Taking Things So Personally in Their Relationships

    “The truth is that the way other people see us isn’t about us—it’s about them and their own struggles, insecurities, and limitations. You don’t have to allow their judgment to become your truth.” ~Daniell Koepke

    As a child growing up with a highly sensitive mom, I often noticed her go quiet at the dinner table after my stepfather would make some little comment. Looking back, I know he was just tired and a bit grouchy from a long day at work, but my mom felt hurt by his words.

    Over the years, the comments didn’t lessen, but I noticed my mother being less and less bothered by them. They seemed to slide off of her like water off a duck’s back. As a result, my parents seemed to have a lot more fun, laughter, and ease together—and still, forty some years into their marriage, live happily side by side.

    Just like my mom did in the earlier days of her marriage, it’s so common for sensitive people to take things personally–both in our intimate relationships and in general–and for that to make the relationship more painful and less fulfilling.

    Up until seven or eight years ago, I, too, found myself getting easily hurt by things my husband did, or most often, the things he did not do.

    It stung when my husband didn’t seem to be listening when I was talking, when the scenery seemed to captivate his attention more than my heartfelt words, when he forgot to do the thing I’d asked him to do, or when he interrupted me when I was speaking—all of which happened (and still does) with regularity!

    One thing that felt especially hurtful then was when my husband would fall asleep while I was vulnerably sharing deep feelings about our relationship. I felt so hurt by his sleeping, like he didn’t really care about me.

    I’ve known many other sensitive people to take it personally and feel hurt when their partner doesn’t give them verbal appreciation when they do something nice or helpful, or when their partner isn’t as affectionate or openly enthusiastic about spending time with them.

    It is true that many partners do not always act with kindness or consideration. Yet, when we take it personally, the hurt we feel can show, often in how quiet we suddenly get, or in a slightly defensive reaction, or in outright tears.

    As we hold onto that hurt, over time, it takes a toll in our relationship and our emotional well-being.

    If you take things personally often in your relationship, it’s likely to build up some deep resentment and disappointment.

    It can also lead to defensive interactions with your partner, escalating arguments, and withdrawal or criticism from both sides—which only results in even more disconnection between you.

    Eventually, in my own marriage, I realized that taking things so personally was really rough on our relationship. Not only did it simply feel bad to me, but I also didn’t act how I really wanted to in my marriage. When I felt hurt, I would often retaliate with some criticism, like “Talking to you is like talking to a stone wall!”

    Needless to say, that led to more distance, discord, and deep unhappiness between my husband and me.

    So I looked to my mother and her wisdom. What she told me opened the door for me to the power of not taking things personally—and developing a whole arsenal of tricks to help me become someone who hardly ever takes anything personally anymore.

    What a blessing this has been in my marriage, and even in my career, allowing me to feel more confidence and calmness, and to love my hubby—and feel loved by him—more deeply than ever. (Yes, even if he spaces out—or falls asleep!—when I’m talking to him.)

    Not taking things so personally is possible for you, too, and it will allow you to have much more connection and loving intimacy in your relationship–which you were born for as a highly sensitive person.

    Here are six tips to help you, as sensitive person, become someone who no longer takes things so personally in your intimate relationship.

    1. Tend to your stress levels.

    As highly sensitive people, our nervous systems tend to get overloaded more quickly than non-HSPs, due to how deeply we process stimuli.

    This means you will feel more easily overwhelmed and stressed than non-HSPs if you are not attending to your nervous system regularly.

    Interestingly, research shows that when we have higher stress levels, we misinterpret neutral comments from others as criticism, or see their behaviors in a more threatening, negative light.

    In other words, unless you are regularly de-stressing, you are likely to see and experience everything your partner does or does not do in a much more negative way, take things more personally, and feel hurt a lot more.

    That hug your spouse resisted? If you were stressed, it may have seemed like he was actually snubbing you instead of just distracted by the kids. If you had been calm and centered, it would have been no biggy; maybe you would have even appreciated it that he was attending to the kids and taking some work off your hands.

    A huge part of our emotional well-being, and feeling connected instead of feeling hurt, depends on tending to our nervous systems regularly to keep our stress levels moderated.

    Some of my favorite ways of doing so include a medium-paced walk in nature, meditation, coherent breathing, yoga nidra, and dancing wildly or gently in my living room. There are many options. Find ones you like and add them—even just for a few minutes here and there—to your daily routine.

    2. Know your goodness.

    Other people’s words or actions cause a lot of pain when we think it means something about who we are and don’t keep our own good opinion of ourselves at the forefront. Because the hurt we feel from taking things personally actually comes from believing other people’s negative judgments of us.

    In other words, if we don’t feel great about ourselves, whenever anyone else isn’t caring or kind, we can more easily take it to indicate something bad about ourselves.

    When you can hold the clear knowledge of your own goodness in your awareness, you will have a much easier time separating other people’s confused thoughts from who you really are and letting them roll off you like water off a duck’s back. So make sure your opinion of yourself is a good, healthy one.

    For many HSPs this can be especially hard because we have been misunderstood and perhaps treated like something is wrong with us for much of our lives…which can convince us this is true and lower our self-esteem…which makes it even easier to feel hurt when someone says or does something that could indicate disapproval or lack of care about us.

    But as an HSP, you have so much to feel good about yourself for!

    So it’s well worth your energy to spend time actively seeing what you like and even love about yourself. What do you know about the goodness of who you really are? (Need some hints? This post will help.)

    Deeply knowing your goodness will prevent and ease the pain of taking things personally.

    3. Think about your thinking—both yours and your partner’s.

    Our own thinking is the biggest culprit of taking things personally as HSPs. This is great news because it means we can shift our thinking to minimize the pain of hurt feelings.

    As HSPs, we tend to be so conscientious, attentive, and attuned to those we care about, so we unconsciously expect the same from our partner. If it turns out that they aren’t as attuned and caring naturally, we think it means we aren’t as important to them as they are to us, that we aren’t loved, that we aren’t good enough, that we have done something wrong—or are wrong.

    I can’t tell you how many HSP women I know have told me that when their hubby says, in a tone, something like, “What, you can’t give me five minutes to get to xyz?!!” They think to themselves, “Oh no, I’ve done something wrong. I suck.”

    This is what I call a negative misinterpretation. And our HSP brains naturally do this a lot! This negative interpretation is where the pain of hurt feelings really comes from.

    Let’s get a quick understanding of this: For survival reasons, the human brain is wired by default to see and hear things negatively. We unconsciously focus on flaws, on what’s wrong, or missing. This is called the negativity bias of the brain. And HSPs, we have this even more strongly than non-HSPs.

    You can use this knowledge to help you observe when your brain tends to put a negative spin on things—and decide to stop drinking that Kool-Aid. Just because your brain thinks what it thinks, it doesn’t mean it’s true!!

    Can you see how in the above comment, one could have interpreted it to mean many things other than “I‘ve done something wrong. I suck.”? You could interpret it as “He’s having a hard day,” or “He feels pressured.” Which is way closer to the truth than “I suck.”

    Nowadays, when I’m sharing from my heart to my husband and his eyelids start getting heavy with sleep, I no longer interpret it to mean he doesn’t care about me. I see it for what it is: he’s tired after a full day of working to support our family.

    So, when you feel that familiar sting of hurt feelings, step back and notice what your negatively biased brain is interpreting the thing your partner said or did to mean. And get curious about what else might be going on that is closer to the truth.

    4. See it as their inner disconnection or their confusion about you.

    What if your significant other really does say something harsh about who you are—or does something truly mean or negligent?

    Remember, they have a flaw-seeking brain, too, that also sees in a negative way by default. And just because they may be having a negative thought about you doesn’t make it true!

    What’s really happening is they are having a moment of confusion about you, or they can’t see beyond their flaw-brain at the moment.

    The truth is, when someone sees bad in you, or treats you poorly, it is always a symptom of their own inner turmoil and distress. Unloading on you is just an unskillful way of trying to reduce their own inner turmoil. It means nothing about you.

    As my mom wisely said when I asked her the trick to not taking those dinner table comments personally,  “I remember that it’s just his stuff.”

    If you can remember this truth, you may even feel compassion for your partner instead of hurt—and let me tell you how much better that feels! I’ll take compassion over hurt feelings any day. Because it is from there that we are best able to effectively advocate for and create more caring interactions.

    5. Be your own zone of safety and love.

    As you learn to break the habit of taking things personally, you will want to be able to hold yourself through any hurt feelings that still arise with kindness and love.

    This means, instead of trying to avoid the feelings of hurt, learning to be with them in a loving way.

    When they come up, gently move your attention from the spinning thoughts in your mind to how the hurt actually feels in your body. Be curious about the sensations. And hold them with your gentle and compassionate attention the way you would hold a baby bird in your own soft hand—spaciously, with warmth and tenderness.

    It can help to place your hand over your heart area in a gesture of love and care for yourself, and imagine the sensations in your body are soaking up that kind attention.

    As awkward as it may feel at first, by being with your painful feelings in this way, you will move out of them more quickly, and experience much more peacefulness with them as you do. And even experience more love in your life.

    As I learned to make this kind of space for any hard feelings that come up, the most amazing thing began to happen: The hard feelings became a doorway to feeling a deep warmth and a loving intimacy with my own self, and a sense of inner safety I never before knew was possible.

    Now I no longer fear the harder feelings of life because I trust myself to always lovingly support myself through them. Which has made my relationship with myself so loving and strong—and my relationship with my husband much more peaceful and less reactive.

    6. Re-root in love.

    In our committed intimate relationships, what always soothes and heals is coming back to love. First and foremost, love for yourself, and of course, love for your significant other.

    To do so, simply ask yourself: “What is the most loving way to see this?” Or, “What might love’s wisdom want me to know right now?”

    Perhaps the answer will be a reminder of how amazing you are, or to remember your partner is doing the best they can with the skills and experiences they have had, or that the truth is your love for each other is strong enough to weather these less than harmonious moments. Or maybe the answer will be to set strong boundaries for yourself, or even end the relationship.

    But if you come back to love, these harsher moments will be like a tiny, whitecap in a big sea of love—and have very little power to rock you or the depth of you and your partner’s love for each other.

    —

    Please don’t misunderstand that any of this means you should stay with someone who doesn’t care about you or treats you badly. You want to be able to discern whether you’re tolerating things you shouldn’t be and staying with someone who is not good for you or just taking things personally that you really don’t need to be.

    If you’re doing the latter, you can completely transform your relationship by putting these tips into practice. When you do, you not only remove much of what is dragging you down in your relationship, but you also allow yourself to start seeing and feeling more of the love that is already there, which will invite more of it to keep pouring in.

  • How Conflict in Relationships Can Be a Catalyst for Growth

    How Conflict in Relationships Can Be a Catalyst for Growth

    “The mind is the place the soul goes to hide from the heart.” ~Michael Singer

    “You think you’re so much better than me!!”

    As this phrase—laced with contempt—exited my mouth, I recognized the familiar words. I had grown up hearing this phrase often. The “rich people,” the girl who won the competition, the inconsiderate neighbors, the rude supervisor… “They think they’re so much better than us.”

    So, I diligently spent my childhood trying to prove them all wrong.

    I wore myself out trying to be the smartest, the best, the prettiest… you name it. I wasn’t going to let all those losers be better than me, or my family. No way!

    But who was I really fighting against?

    The answer is no one.

    In truth, I was fighting against my parents’ belief system, which came from their own childhoods. I was fighting their ghosts from the past. But I didn’t know that at the time.

    I had no idea I had carried this belief system into my own adult life. After exhausting myself trying to prove I was worthy as a child, I then spent decades working on self-improvement and personal growth. I had moved beyond all that silly limited thinking.

    Or so I thought.

    Until that day in the kitchen with my husband…

    In my mid-forties…

    When he politely declined to eat the meat I had prepared for dinner.

    Suddenly an uncontrollable rage welled up inside me, and I screamed at him, with tears streaming down my face…

    “YOU THINK YOU’RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME!”

    My mind immediately starting playing endless clips of all the times my husband had demonstrated his assumed superiority over me. I was completely triggered and unhinged, so I bought into it.

    As I continued on with my ridiculous fit, another part of me, a more detached part, asked this simple question: “Where is all this coming from?”

    Immediately, I recognized the familiar phrase. I knew exactly where it came from. I stopped my raging in an instant and excused myself to the bedroom.

    Once there, I took the energy away from the mind and into the heart. There was no need to analyze it. No need to further engage the mind in its joyous rebuke of my innocent husband.

    Michael Singer has a quote that I love. “The mind is the place the soul goes to hide from the heart.” We don’t want to feel those painful feelings, so we rationalize them endlessly in the mind. But, there’s another option. I placed my attention in the heart, disengaged from the continuing chaos in my mind, and allowed the energy to release.

    Minutes later, I went back to the kitchen, feeling much calmer, and apologized to my husband. Peace was restored. I had also progressed spiritually by releasing some of the stored garbage that had been hiding in my heart for decades.

    I’m now to the point where I can be grateful when my husband hits a nerve, presses my buttons, triggers me, or whatever you prefer to call it. I’m only able to release that old stuff when it gets hit and brought to the surface. Otherwise, it just lays there, dormant, silently waiting for the perfect opportunity to erupt. Like a volcano.

    We all know the feeling of that volcano when it erupts without notice. Those closest to us are the most adept at causing an eruption. They can so skillfully and predictably hit our stuff.

    We eventually realize that an intimate relationship is like a mirror. Our partner has an uncanny ability to reflect back to us the parts of ourselves that need the most healing. If we understand this, we can learn to use the conflict in our relationship as a catalyst for spiritual growth.

    We can stop the blame and anger. Instead, we feel immense gratitude when we find yet another old wound in need of healing. This is how we grow spiritually together. And, in the process, we create great connection and intimacy.

    In an intimate relationship, we are like two rough pieces of sandpaper, constantly rubbing up against each other. Over time, if we use this process to our benefit, we become smoother. Then, our relationship reflects back to us this smoother, gentler, happier version of ourselves.

    We don’t get so triggered anymore. We chill out. We are able to enjoy life and each other. Peacefully. Joyously.

  • How to Avoid Petty Fights and Get What You Need in Your Relationship

    How to Avoid Petty Fights and Get What You Need in Your Relationship

    “It’s never overreacting to ask for what you want and need.” ~Amy Poehler

    It was yet another stupid argument that escalated from nothing to a hundred miles an hour in seconds. I’d been there so many times before, entrenched in warfare with us both preparing our defenses and priming our attacks.

    The intense emotions of the moment always took over, denying me the opportunity that hindsight would later afford me. Huge issues were, upon reflection, only minor disagreements about who had said what about the cooking, or where something had been left in the bathroom.

    On this occasion, once again we were both 100% committed to our side of the argument, when I stopped and thought:

    “This is crazy. What am I missing? There must be another way.”

    In that moment I had an insight that revolutionized my relationship and how I relate with my partner. But before I explain, let’s rewind a little.

    In the beginning, our relationship was pretty typical. Things started off great because we were really curious about each other. There wasn’t much judgment, as we always gave each other the benefit of the doubt, and with a lot of goodwill between us, we always knew we had each other’s best interests at heart.

    The adrenaline was pumping and the dopamine flowing, as we were in hormonal ecstasy with the excitement of exploring unchartered territory, something that made us so interesting to each other.

    After the honeymoon period, though, things started to become a bit routine. We started assuming things about each other, thinking we knew the other’s responses and desires because, after all, we’d been together a while now. I would always think, “I know you.” Only I didn’t know her anywhere near as well as I thought I did, and because of that assumption things started to go sour.

    This happened because we were not consciously aware of our own core needs, or each other’s. As a result, we couldn’t meet those needs for ourselves or communicate them in a way that empowered each other to meet them. So instead, we created unconscious strategies to get our needs met, like nagging and manipulation, which led to blurred boundaries and resentments.

    Eventually we became co-dependent, as we felt as if we each needed the other to keep us happy and satisfied. We knew we weren’t getting along as we once did, but we had no idea why. Now I know.

    We all have core needs, and they drive most of our behaviors, whether we realize it or not. By core needs I mean elements like safety, connection, autonomy, peace, meaning, and love.

    When we aren’t consciously aware of our core needs it’s often because we’ve become too distracted by other egoic needs, like the need for success, wealth, control, and dominance. Our core needs then become misunderstood and miscommunicated, which leads to us meeting our partner’s needs under duress or not at all.

    Here’s a simple example from my life to explain.

    Around a year ago my partner and I were having some minor ructions in our relationship. Nothing major, just some low-level tremors. I’m sure you know the type.

    I’d moved into her house a few months earlier, and we were still navigating the “how things are done around here” phase of the relationship, as I saw it. One of the areas of frustration for me was that she was always asking me to do things she could quite easily do herself, like taking out the trash.

    I’d do this, but kept thinking it would be easier if she did it herself whenever she noticed instead of always asking me. It triggered a lot of stuff in me, and I didn’t handle it well. I’d either fly off the handle and lash out, saying something I’d later regret, or I’d repress my emotions and go passive-aggressive, pretending everything was fine as my blood silently boiled.

    On this occasion, though, I stopped and slowed down. I became curious about why this was so important to her, and we had a conversation that changed everything for me.

    For my partner, I wasn’t just taking the trash out. I was meeting her need to feel safe and protected, and ultimately, loved. When she asked me to take out the trash, it wasn’t because she was being lazy. It was because, for one reason or another, this met those needs for her.

    The problem was, she’d never shared that this was about more than taking out the trash, so I interpreted her words through the lens of my life experiences and childhood memories, and it annoyed the hell out of me. But when I learned about the core need I was meeting for her, I totally understood it. Now I love putting the trash out, and I never thought I’d ever say that.

    When we continued to explore this I realized it went beyond the trash. I protect her and make her feel safe in many areas of our lives, which in turn makes her feel loved and cared for. Other things that met the same need for her were:

    • Securing the house before bed
    • Checking the car before long journeys
    • Standing on the outside of the path
    • Looking after our dog

    It’s worth noting here that we must also be able to meet our own needs. This isn’t about solely depending on someone else to make us feel how we want to feel.

    If we put the responsibility of meeting all our needs in someone else’s hands, we’ll never feel whole, strong, independent, or in control of our happiness and contentment. We’ll likely end up using unconscious strategies, like nagging or manipulation, to get our needs met, as my partner and I did. And we’ll also become increasingly needy and controlling.

    The key is to create a balance between honoring own needs and communicating with our partner when there’s a need they can meet, if they’re willing and able.

    We must also be aware that sometimes our needs might clash. For example, you and your partner might both have a need to feel safe and may look to each other to meet that need in the same exact way. In these situations it’s crucial that you become aware of this and discuss it together to find compromises that support you both.

    The important thing is that you understand what’s driving each of you so can set the stage for open communication and loving compromise instead of getting caught up in the same petty arguments over and over again.

    This can be harder than you may think. Oftentimes we don’t realize that our partner’s frustrating, demanding requests are actually badly communicated unmet needs, and we also don’t realize our own motivations.

    How can we dig a little deeper to get to the root of the issues? Here’s a simple exercise I learned from Harville Hendrix to help you and your partner understand, communicate, and meet each other’s needs:

    Step 1: Put aside some time and create a peaceful, intimate space for you and your partner.

    Turn off your cell phones, put the kids to bed, if you have any, and take a moment to create a safe and relaxing space between you both.

    Step 2: Get two pieces of paper so you can each write the answers to these three questions:

    • What do you need from your partner to help you feel loved and cared for that they currently do?
    • What do you need from your partner to help you feel loved and cared for that they’ve stopped doing?
    • What do you need from your partner to help you feel loved and cared for that they’ve never done before?

    Once you have completed writing out your list, highlight the ones that are most important to you.

    Step 3: Now swap your sheet with your partner.

    Take a look at their list and get curious about them. Ask questions to better understand the needs behind each one.

    For example, it may not seem particularly important to you to give each other a play-by-play of your day right after work. But this might meet your partner’s need to feel connected to you and express their emotions.

    Once you peel back the layers, you’ll be better able to create compromises if need be. So if you require space right after work to decompress, you could suggest discussing each other’s day over dinner, instead, so you both get your needs met.

    Step 4: Get clear on what you can and can’t do—and commit.

    Note on each other’s lists which things you are prepared to do for each other and which you are not. Then share this with each other and commit to doing one thing on each other’s list every day for two weeks.

    Step 5: Communicate throughout the process.

    Whenever your partner does one of your requests thank them for it and tell them how you feel as a result. This is important because you will both become more committed to this exercise when you understand the impact you are making for each other.

    —

    I’ve done this exercise with my partner, and it was a simple and moving experience. You will find that your partner’s needs are not always what you think they are, and the simple things that might seem inconsequential to you are the ones that mean the most to them.

  • 7 Crucial Steps to Minimize Drama in Your Life

    7 Crucial Steps to Minimize Drama in Your Life

    “When you are not honoring the present moment by allowing it to be, you are creating drama.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Well into my twenties, all of my friendships with women looked a lot like junior high.

    One day, we’d be codependent and attached at the hip, sending incessant play-by-play emails throughout the workday like one too many notes in class.

    The next day, we’d be dragging each other by the hair into a heap of combined emotional issues, complete with nasty suspicions, unfounded accusations, and a dramatic reconciliation that would inevitably be short-lived.

    Shortly after one toxic friendship eroded, I found a new one, like a mythological creature that regenerates its head immediately after it’s cut off. Things weren’t much different with the men I dated.

    For a long time, I lamented all the damaging relationships I’d been in, as if I was some kind of victim who always got the short end of the stick.

    Then one day I realized there was a reason I always found myself in dramatic relationships: I was attracted to drama like a moth to a flame.

    Chaos was the status quo for the majority of my life, and when it wasn’t there, I panicked. I didn’t feel comfortable unless I was fighting someone or, at the very least, fighting myself.

    The things I said and did contradicted each other because it was easier to blame the world and stay the same than it would be to really see myself and make a change.

    You might not be a recovering drama queen like me, but you’ve probably encountered your share of relationship histrionics.

    Maybe your close friend has as many catastrophes as there are days of the week. Maybe you’re the person everyone calls with their problems. Or maybe you unknowingly turn small issues into major crises, and you’d like to stop feeling so overwhelmed.

    Whatever the case, you probably have at least a little drama in your life that you’d like to minimize.

    With this in mind, I recently asked on the Tiny Buddha Facebook page: How do you minimize drama in your life? I took a sampling of the 183 responses and formulated this guide to defusing drama: (more…)

  • 4 Simple Sentences That Can Prevent Arguments and Resentment

    4 Simple Sentences That Can Prevent Arguments and Resentment

    Couple with dog

    “There are two sides to every argument, until you take one.” ~Unknown

    The phone rang. My partner and our daughter were away hiking and camping. I’d wanted to go with them, but my partner had discouraged me.

    My partner had a last-minute change of heart, but I’d remained firm. They hadn’t welcomed me, I said, so they could do without me.

    Now, after a day of hiking, our daughter phoned me. They wanted me to join them for dinner and then join them for the second day of the hike.

    How do you deal with feelings of disappointment, frustration, or resentment? How do you deal with differences, apart from arguing or sulking? How do you restore the spirit of love?

    We often feel embarrassed to share our unpleasant feelings. But we all have them. We’re all human.

    So what did I do, and what did I learn to do? It helps to understand why I’d wanted to go, and why I was so upset.

    We’ve traveled to many places as a family. I love the aura of mutual support and love that flourishes during our travels.

    It’s us against the challenges of the world. Each of us gets something done so that all of us can enjoy the trip more.

    For example, when we drove into the center of Melbourne at night, trying to find our hotel, one of our daughters was waiting on the sidewalk to flag us down. When we arrived one night in Matanzas, Cuba, by bus, she surprised us by appearing at the bus stop to take us to a specially prepared dinner.

    Such considerate efforts and little joys tend to nurture the spirit of love. So I look forward to our family adventures, even if it’s only a brief local outing.

    Now I was facing an unexpected situation. I was being discouraged from hiking with them. They said that my leisurely pace would slow them down.

    “Hardly the point,” I said. “It’s a family outing.”

    But they remained keen on walking as quickly as they could. I didn’t really fancy walking on my own.

    I felt rejected, but also angry at being rejected. I hadn’t sulked for some years, but I thought that I was now entitled to a big dose of sulking.

    Eventually, I tried to identify my unpleasant feelings. Finally, I found the exact word I was looking for: “ostracized.” That’s how I felt, I decided.

    People with disfigurements are sometimes ostracized. People with facial burns, or skin diseases, or congenital malformations, all face ostracism.

    I had no disfigurement. I merely tended to walk more slowly than they did. But I felt ostracized by my own partner.

    On the night before they left, I finally blurted it out to my partner: “I felt ostracized by the way you put things.”

    Back came the response, promptly: “I’m sorry for that. That’s not what I intended.”

    A little while later, this was followed by, “Please will you come with us?”

    That illustrates the power of simply stating your feelings. That’s the first lesson I learned.

    Unfortunately, my mind was stubbornly set. “I don’t waste my time where I’m not welcome,” I said. How delicious it is to be stubborn, and how self-defeating!

    They were off before I woke up in the morning. I decided to tackle the many tasks awaiting my attention.

    I embarked on a major project which had long been postponed. It was so absorbing and enjoyable that the hours flew by. Then the evening came, with the surprise phone call from my daughter.

    Would I drive over to join them for dinner? Would I join them for the rest of the hike? “No,” I said.

    But our daughter doesn’t give up easily. She kept talking, telling me about their day, describing where they were going for dinner, and said she’d phone again with directions. A few minutes later, she called again and gave me detailed directions, telling me at what time they expected to arrive at the restaurant.

    “It would be great if you joined us,” she said. The gentle tone of that suggestion lent it power. There was no lecturing, no “you should have,” no “you should,” no judgment.

    She hadn’t been at fault in this whole episode, I thought. So why punish her? I got changed and drove off.

    It turned out to be a charming restaurant, with delicious food. As we chatted, I forgot to stay resentful.

    By the end of the meal, my wish to punish anyone had evaporated. Still, my newly started project at home was far too engrossing. So I decided not to join them for the second day of the hike.

    The next evening, they returned, exhausted and sore from the very long hike. I was almost grateful to have been spared the blisters. I cooked them a nice dinner, to help build on the aura of collaboration and closeness.

    This episode reminded me of four powerful sentences that I’d once been advised to use. These sentences can help transform any argument into a conversation and collaboration. From now on, I hope I remember to use them in difficult situations.

    Here they are:

    1. “There’s some truth in what you’re saying.”
    2. “I feel [like this] when you [say or do] that.”
    3. “It seems as if you’re upset; tell me more about how you feel.”
    4. “It would be good if [this happened].”

    When expectations differ, these sentences enable mutual respect, kindness, and win-win solutions.

    You can insert your own appropriate words or phrases into the brackets.

    For example, here’s what I might have said to my partner:

    “There’s some truth in what you’re saying. I do tend to walk more slowly than you.”

    “But I feel ostracized when you say you want to go without me.”

    If my partner had seemed upset, I’d say: “It seems as if you’re upset. Tell me more about how you feel.”

    If I had a suggestion I’d say: “It would be good if we went together and did one day at my pace, then one day at yours.”

    These four sentences, appropriately modified, can be used by anyone. They can be used at home, at work, or in any difficult situation. They can be used together, or separately, as the situation requires.

    Unhelpful feelings often lead to self-defeating arguments or brooding resentment. Before a situation deteriorates, try using your own version of these four sentences. Use them and be prepared for argument and resentment to turn into collaborative problem-solving.

    Don’t omit listening to the other person. Also, be prepared graciously to accept good suggestions they may make.

    These sentences are simple, but powerful. They help solve problems while restoring the spirit of love. And love heals.

  • A Simple Phrase That Can Prevent Arguments and Resentment

    A Simple Phrase That Can Prevent Arguments and Resentment

    Communication

    “It’s not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins

    I am always making up stories about what others think of me or what they really meant when they made that comment. And I typically make up the worst case scenario. According to my brain, everyone is mean-spirited and ridiculing me.

    This is not an uplifting way to live one’s life. The pessimistic stories I create are generated in part by my low self-esteem, and by convincing myself they’re true, I continue to fuel it. My constantly negative perceptions affect my relationships with others and overall mood in a harmful way.

    I recently experienced a huge breakthrough in regard to this aspect of my thought processes. I am a huge fan of Dr. Brené Brown’s work and recently read her newest book Rising Strong. One of my biggest takeaways was this one phrase that will improve your relationships: “The story I’m making up…”

    Why We Make Up Stories

    As humans, our brains make up stories. We automatically search for meaning. If there is a lack of information, then we will try to fill in that gap.

    Studies have shown that we like stories to make sense or fulfill a pattern, and we will use our own experiences as reference for this.

    Brown actually says that research shows we get a dopamine hit when we recognize a pattern. Our brains especially like it if the story can give us more insight into how to protect ourselves and secure our survival.

    This is why we make up stories to explain why bad things happen. If we know the cause, next time we can plan accordingly to avoid the situation altogether. Unfortunately, even though we honestly believe them to be true, the stories we make up are usually at least somewhat inaccurate.

    This is where the phrase, “The story I’m making up…” works to clear things up in our interactions with others.

    How to Use It

    “The story I’m making up…” can be used in times of struggle or conflict with another person. Perhaps a co-worker quickly changed the subject after you expressed a concern about a project. You can use this phrase to say, “The story I’m making up is that I’m being dismissed because my opinion is not valued.”

    Or maybe your significant other flipped on the television when it’s supposed to be date night. You can say, “The story I’m making up is that our relationship is not a priority to you.” It is an effective tool that can be used in family, friend, work, and romantic relationships.

    Recently my husband and I were arguing. He shared his feelings with me, which is often challenging for him. Because I know he really appreciates physical affection (and I struggle to give it), I chose to pull him into a hug instead of responding verbally.

    The hug did not feel reciprocal as his arms were loosely around me. I was vulnerable when I offered physical affection, and his lackluster embrace registered as a cold shoulder to me. I was feeling very hurt as I told him, “The story I’m making up is that this lifeless hug is an expression of rejection.”

    He apologized and explained that he did not intend to reject me; he was just feeling thrown off by my lack of spoken response.

    His mind was whirling trying to figure out a sense-making story as well. “The story I’m making up…” created a space for us to share our intentions and feelings and work through the misunderstandings in a calm and safe environment.

    Why Use It

    The beauty of this phrase is that it provides the setting to speak openly without initiating a defensive reaction from whomever you’re speaking with. It allows you to honestly express your experience while still taking responsibility for your own feelings. This is a disarming method of communication that leads to a more productive dialogue.

    “The story I’m making up…” becomes an opportunity to revisit a confusing or troubling situation. From there you can challenge your perceptions and reality-check them against the viewpoint of the other person. It provides space for the other person to clarify their intentions.

    The majority of the time this phrase stops an argument before it can even start for me and my husband. When one of us is feeling confused, hurt, or misunderstood, we tell the other what story we’re making up.

    Oftentimes the other person clears up the issue without any conflict because typically our intentions with one another are good.

    Miscommunication and negative assumption are the causes of so much unintentional and unnecessary conflict in relationships. Instead of getting into a fight or silently resenting the other person, using the phrase, “The story I’m making up…” establishes a safe place for meaningful dialogue to gain better understanding of the situation and one another.

    You may realize there actually is no issue, or if there is, you can continue to work through it together in a respectful and effective manner.

    Communication image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Truths About Real Love (It’s Not Always Like the Movies)

    10 Truths About Real Love (It’s Not Always Like the Movies)

    Movie Romance

    “No relationship is all sunshine, but two people can share one umbrella and survive the storm together.” ~Unknown

    In a world duped by wild expectations and soaked Ryan Gosslings, my recent engagement to my partner Rob got me thinking: No one writes a letter every day for a year and talks about it in the rain.

    So, to anyone out there ready for love, these are the lessons I have to share.

    1. You may find love where you least expect it.

    We met in a bathroom. At a gay bar. I’m not saying people don’t find love when they’re looking for it, or that it’s never magical, but you’re probably not going to meet when and where you think.

    2. Technology is tricky.

    Once you’re in a committed relationship, I think everyone would agree it’s time to delete the dating apps. The rest is totally subjective.

    For example, you may not see the harm in liking a picture of your ex on Facebook, but your partner might. Either way, it’s definitely worth having a conversation on what you both agree is socially kosher online.

    3. Jealousy can be healthy (in moderation).

    Like booze, too much is bad for you, but a little here and there can actually be good. Rob once said, “You should be glad I’m jealous. Otherwise, it would mean I didn’t care.”

    I know it sounds sort of twisted, but as long as there is trust, a little jealousy acknowledges you have something other people might want, and your partner knows it. Take it as a compliment.

    4. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, or anything in between. 

    A relationship is a relationship. That’s that.

    5. It’s like the movies, but not at all.

    My improv teacher once said, “Every scene should be like the movies. Today is the day.”

    Aliens are invading, a meteor needs to get blown up, your best friend is getting married—whatever it is, it’s going down, and it’s going to be super dramatic, hilarious, or terrifying.

    Unfortunately, this intensity is not sustainable. Life has a lot of uneventful moments, and your relationship will too. No one wants to see a movie about two people spending an entire day on the couch. And that’s perfectly okay.

    6. Seriously, everybody fights.

    There are a lot of things you can do to prevent most fights, like communicate more and drink less. But when it does come to blows, remember that you can still get your point across without being mean about it.

    7. Sex is easy. Working together is hard.

    Some things come naturally, but packing up your entire apartment and filling a 17’ U-Haul isn’t one of them.

    The cool thing is, the more you work together, the more you come to understand each other’s strengths, and for better or worse, weaknesses. Ultimately, it’s not just about you anymore. You’re a team. And as cheesy as that sounds, it’s the truth, Ruth.

    8. Breaking up can actually be just a break.

    About a year into our relationship, I took a job in Denver. Rob and I subsequently broke up. It was definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but also one of the best.

    Six months later, I moved back to Chicago with a renewed appreciation for the city, my friends, my family, and most of all, Rob, who (lucky for me) was still there. But there’s no denying breaking up is risky stuff.

    9. It’s a package deal.

    So that means antique shopping with your future mother-in-law, introducing yourself to that one friend for the fifth time, or discovering a close friend is actually an old flame.

    10. Companionship is conscious.

    We choose to be in a relationship. It’s a choice you will make every day for as long as you want.

    I know I’ve got someone very special. And I know it took a lot of learning and growing to realize it.

    So here’s to real life, sharing what you know, and the absolute “yes.”

    Movie romance image via Shutterstock

  • Why Conflict Isn’t Bad (And How to Make It Easier)

    Why Conflict Isn’t Bad (And How to Make It Easier)

    “Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.” ~Max Lucade 

    I used to do everything I could to avoid having conversations that could potentially be challenging or difficult—even resorting to lying or obfuscation if I really felt backed into a corner.

    I didn’t have a good template for what healthy conflict looked like, so every challenging conversation felt like a minefield where I could be attacked, blamed, or shamed at any moment.

    As I got older, and especially as I started dating and getting involved in longer-term relationships, I realized that conflict was actually an inevitable, even necessary, part of co-existing with someone else.

    And, rather than being fraught, defensive, and filled with attack, conflicts could actually be an opportunity for greater intimacy and connection.

    Although I still feel anxiety around conflict and am still very much learning how to handle it in a healthy way, the number one shift that has had the biggest influence on how I show up in conflicts is my attitude toward them.

    When I went from avoiding challenging conversations and viewing them as “bad” to viewing them as an integral part of communication and necessary for a healthy relationship, I felt far less pressure to avoid them and started seeing how they actually could be helpful.

    Difficult conversations are a fact of life. As much as we might try to avoid them, there will inevitably be a time when we uncover a conflict of needs, values, or preferences in relation to someone else, and want to resolve that conflict.

    If you’re currently struggling with difficult conversations in your life, here are five things I’ve found helpful for turning conflicts into opportunities for connection.

    1. Have the conversation sooner rather than later.

    If you address the issue as soon as it comes up, you’re far more likely to have a productive, low-pressure conversation than if you wait until breaking point.

    Storing up our issues and grievances, and then unleashing them as a torrent on the other person (or waiting until the other person expresses an issue to share our own), is unfair and damages trust in the relationship.

    Whether we’re talking with a friend, partner, or colleague, we’re going to foster a greater sense of security in the relationship if we’re able to discuss things when they come up rather than wait until they become a crisis.

    2. Use “I messages.”

    A big shift in my own communication came when I started using “I messages” and expressing myself in terms of my own feelings, needs, and requests rather than focusing on what I thought the other person had done wrong.

    Instead of starting with “I want you to do this/stop doing this,” explain your feelings—for example, “When it’s your turn to take out the trash and you don’t do it, I feel frustrated.”

    Also, make requests based on your needs—for example, “It’s really important for me to feel trust and respect. A part of that is knowing that you’re going to do what you say you’re going to do. Would you be willing to think of some ways you can remind yourself?”

    When we use “I messages,” we stop blaming other people and demanding that they change. Instead, we are simply stating how we feel, what we need, and making requests based on that.

    3. Stick to the facts.

    Most misunderstandings we have with other people arise from the fact that we react to the meaning we attach to the facts rather than the facts themselves.

    If I ask my partner a question and he doesn’t respond, I can jump to all kinds of conclusions about why he is “ignoring me.” Is he angry with me? Does he think it was a stupid question? Doesn’t he care about what I have to say?

    When it comes to difficult conversations, it’s important to stick to the facts and respond to the facts only.

    It’s natural for our minds to want to fill in the gaps and create an entire story from a few puzzle pieces here and there. When we do this, however, the pieces we create aren’t necessarily true, and we run the risk of adding far more tension to the situation than it otherwise deserves.

    4. Be specific.

    When emotions rise, it’s easy to start using generalizations like “always” and “never.” When we tell someone that they “always do X” or “never do Y,” however, we’re more likely to push the other person further away than to heal the conflict.

    Using the example above, if I said, “You never take out the trash when it’s your turn,” the other person’s focus is likely to shift to defending themselves and pointing out all the times when they have indeed taken out the trash instead of listening to what I’m saying and focusing on a resolution.

    Very few people “always” or “never” behave in a certain way, so make sure you take a deep breath and check your language before saying something that could escalate the conversation.

    5. Empathize with the other person.

    Empathy—understanding what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes—is incredibly effective at diffusing tension and breaking down defenses. When we feel hurt, frustrated, or annoyed by something someone else has done, we can forget that they probably had very good reasons for doing (or not doing) what they did.

    Approaching the conversation from a place of wanting mutual understanding and empathy rather than merely wanting the other person to change their behavior raises the chance that the conversation will bring you closer together rather than push you further apart.

    —

    Difficult conversations may feel hard, but we can make them easier by following these steps and recognizing the opportunity for connection.

  • The Most Powerful Way to Resolve Conflicts in Relationships

    The Most Powerful Way to Resolve Conflicts in Relationships

    “The heart is like a garden: it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?” ~Jack Kornfield

    I was all set to float effortlessly through life on a cloud of peace. I was trained mediator, had a Masters Degree in Peace Education, led workshops on constructively managing conflicts, and had a lifelong interest in creating interpersonal understanding. Yet, here I was, ready to wring his neck.

    I’ve found it’s always easier to help others solve their conflicts than it is to deal with your own—there’s none of that pesky “emotional intensity” or “personal baggage” getting in the way.

    People sought me out for help with their conflicts, but when I felt attacked or threatened, it was suddenly a whole other ball game.

    When we first started dating, I found that there were things that my husband would do or say that left me feeling really upset, and my responses definitely weren’t constructive. Embarrassingly, my go-to was “the silent treatment.” Sigh.

    Logically, I knew better. More importantly, I had spent years building the skills to do better. So, why wasn’t I using what I knew?

    Simple answer: I didn’t want to. All the skills, knowledge, and tools in the world mean nothing if I lacked the intention to use them.

    So, then the next obvious question is: Why didn’t I want to?

    In conflict literature, there’s a term called a “retaliatory spiral.” As humans, we have a tendency to retaliate to hostile behavior with an even higher level of hostility, thus escalating the conflict.

    Furthermore, even if neither person wants an escalation, each one feels entirely justified in their response, based on how they were treated. It’s the same principle as giving someone “a taste of their own medicine,” and it leads to conflicts that spiral out of control, becoming harder and harder to resolve.

    Clearly this kind of behavior is destructive, yet we’ve all done it at some point and have probably felt pretty justified in doing so.

    See, some kinds of conflict threaten our sense of self. The fact that another person seems to have the power to hurt us makes us feel weak, unstable, and unsafe.

    In order to defend this sense of self and feel stronger, we may attempt demonstrate our own power to hurt them back. Mature? No. Helpful? Definitely not. Kind of understandable? Yes.

    Personally, I hated how vulnerable I felt when my husband did something that hurt my feelings. I felt scared that he had the power to make me feel so upset.

    Giving him the cold shoulder felt like a way to hide this “weakness” and assert my own power to hurt him. It also was a way to protect my ego, because by not talking things out I could avoid challenging my current belief system, thus maintaining the belief that I was right and he was wrong.

    So even though I had all the hard-earned communication and conflict resolution skills I needed to work through the problem, create increased communication, and build understanding, I wasn’t going to use them; creating increased understanding and connection wasn’t my intention. My intention was to defend myself. So that’s exactly what I did.

    The problem was that by focusing on defending myself, I was basically putting all my energy into avoiding what I didn’t want—pain and suffering—instead of into creating what I actually did want. Deep down, I wanted way more than simply not getting hurt, but I wasn’t working toward it.

    What I desired was a relationship of trust, honesty, and openness; one where we each had the courage to share what we were really feeling, and would listen to one another with an intent to understand rather than judge. One where we would have compassion for each other’s failings and work to strengthen one another (even when we were upset) rather than tear each other down.

    This was the future I really wanted for us, and I knew that my current responses to our conflicts, while easy and comfortable, weren’t going to get us there.

    So I started to shift my intention. Instead of having it be about protecting myself in the moment, my intention became to respond to conflicts in a way that would set a foundation for the kind of beautiful future relationship I envisioned.

    It was only then that I was able to start putting all my conflict resolution knowledge and skills to use.

    That isn’t to say that it was easy. Actually, it was hard, especially in the beginning.

    It required me opening up when I felt most vulnerable. Moving toward, when I wanted to retreat. Taking responsibility for my part, when I wanted to dump the blame on him. Trying to listen with compassion when I felt frustrated or fed up. But, with a clear intention in mind, I did all these things and more.

    Now, looking back, I’m so glad I did.

    Today, one of the things my husband and I most prize about our relationship is the way we communicate with one another, especially during conflicts. We do all the things I had envisioned when I first set my intention, and I feel a huge sense of accomplishment in knowing that this was no accident, but something we consciously created.

    Intentions can be conscious or unconscious, but everything you say or do will be based on an intention.

    We all have a lower self that operates mainly from a place of fear, weakness, and limitations; and a higher self, one operating from a place of love, strength, and creativity. Before engaging in a conflict, I recommend setting a clear intention that is aligned with your values and the desires of your higher self.

    Here’s some questions I ask myself in order to do this. I call it the “Where, Who, What, How” model.

    Where is my focus? Is it short-term or long-term? Is it based in love or fear?

    Who do I want to be? What kinds of qualities do I want to embody?

    What do I want to create?

    How do I want others to perceive or describe me?

    —

    What’s helped you work through conflict in your relationships?

  • Dealing with Disagreements with Loved Ones: 5 Helpful Tips

    Dealing with Disagreements with Loved Ones: 5 Helpful Tips

    Fighting couple

    “We find comfort among those who agree with us—growth among those who don’t.” ~Frank A. Clark

    This post is for anyone who has ever disagreed with the people they love the most, to remind them that these disagreements do not have to lead to regret.

    Indeed, they can lead to our deepest growth if we so choose.

    But I’m getting ahead of myself…

    Hi. My name is Sabrina, and despite my best intentions, I don’t always have the most harmonious conversations.

    When it comes to my family, especially my parents, my ego struggles with second-guessing their words, choices, and actions, and in turn, second-guessing my own.

    The truth is, I am no more “right” than they are; in fact, when it comes to making the best choice for oneself, I am a big believer in turning inward in one’s quest for answers.

    Yet I can still get triggered when we don’t see eye to eye, and that’s how I knew this was an area where I had an opportunity to grow.

    So I asked my higher self:

    How can I balance lovingly hearing my parents out without necessarily agreeing with the content of their message?

    And how can I bring loving awareness to the conversation, accepting with my heart while releasing the need to fully comprehend it in my head?

    Here is the answer that I received. (more…)

  • Choose Your Battles: Fighting Less in Relationships

    Choose Your Battles: Fighting Less in Relationships

    “A more peaceful way to live is to decide consciously which battles are worth fighting and which are better left alone.” ~Richard Carlson

    Have you ever been in a relationship that seemed more like work than fun? Where every day you seemed to have a new issue to discuss?

    Maybe it had to do with little miscommunications, or an ongoing dispute, or a difference of opinion that regularly complicated your daily interactions.

    Whatever it was, you always found yourself wanting to hash things out to get everything back to normal.

    Except that was normal—conflict, friction, and disagreement; you just held out hope that maybe it could change.

    I had a friendship like this a few years back. We really got each other, and that’s a big part of why we grew close.

    But we also got on each other’s nerves on a near-daily basis. In retrospect, I see that our two personalities came together to create something toxic.

    It was like the perfect storm of insecurities and and egos colliding; our collapse may have always been a matter of time. But I also realize we both created drama where it didn’t need to be.

    We made everything an issue.

    I’ve since learned that healthy relationships require a little discernment as to what’s a problem and what’s just small stuff; and that sometimes, the instinct to sweat all that small stuff is a sign of a bigger problem—that the relationship may just not be right.

    Not sure why so much annoys you? There could be any number of reasons. One of these problems may seem familiar, and one of these solutions may help.

    Problem 1:

    You’re harboring resentment or anger, but instead of expressing what you really feel, you pick at the little things.

    The Solution:

    Take some time to get to the root of your feelings. What’s really bothering you? Sure, those unwashed dishes and slow email responses are annoying, but what’s the bigger issue? (more…)

  • Conflicts with Friends: 13 Ways to Communicate Without Drama

    Conflicts with Friends: 13 Ways to Communicate Without Drama

    “Treat your friends like you do your best pictures; place them in the best light.” ~Unknown

    I recently had a disagreement with a close friend.

    There was a good deal of uncontrolled emotion on my side. I wasn’t expressing myself well and I knew it. I became more and more frustrated and less effective at explaining my feelings.

    I found myself laying unwarranted blame on my friend rather than admitting openly that something was hurting me and I was feeling vulnerable.

    Ultimately, he said the words I was having trouble finding for me, and that resolved the situation.

    I was embarrassed and grateful, but I realized I needed to evaluate a few of my shortcomings to avoid making the same mistake again.

    I also realized that what I was feeling wasn’t the problem.

    It was my inability to effectively convey what was in my heart and on my mind that led to hurt feelings and further misunderstanding. (more…)