Tag: fears

3 Powerful Insights About Finding Yourself and Creating Change

“Get out of your head and get into your heart. Think less, feel more.” ~Osho

When you’re on a spiritual quest in the chaotic outlying suburbs of Bangkok, and you’re having a complete and utter meltdown about your ability to face your inner demons and greatest life fears, where should you turn?

Well, I feel well qualified to answer this question, having been in that exact situation!

Where I turned was a peaceful little Buddhist temple, and more specifically a gentle and elderly monk named Yut.

Don’t be deceived by the “gentle and elderly” description, however, for Yut was also direct and unforgiving in the way he challenged my perspectives and answered questions from my seeking, fearful self.

Surprisingly he was also quite humorous and down-to-earth, which made for a delightfully game changing afternoon that helped to interrupt my meltdown, supporting my breakdown to become a breakthrough.

It was mid-way through my three month sabbatical in Thailand. The preceding six weeks in the paradise island of Koh Samui had been blissful to say the least, then arriving in outlying Bangkok had been quite a shock to the system.

I had followed my own gut instinct and divine guidance to be there, despite my fear of being alone in large cities, particularly ones where I don’t speak the language.

I was at a point in my life where I had to shake things up. I was standing on the precipice of major change, of following my heart and leaving my decade long corporate career back home, where at the time I was National Manager of a recruitment firm.

I had spent 32 years honing my ability to be what I thought others wanted me to be—a “success.” The only problem was that my definition of success was warped.

I thought success and my worthiness was measured by the big job, the fancy house, the material objects. This was, of course, all nonsense that I had created in my head—a story I had bought into, fed by my addiction for perfectionism and a desperate need for security and validation.

I was ready to break out of the box I’d been living in, and this trip was helping me to see the world, life, and myself in new light.

It seems that when you step up in life to invite change, life has a way of guiding you to exactly where you need to be, with whom you need to be with, and hearing what you need to hear.

It would turn out to be perfectly synchronistic that my freak out in Bangkok led me to go in search of somewhere peaceful, which in turn took me to this Buddhist temple where I was very helpfully fed three game changing insights by Yut.

This turn of events would be another building block in one very important and transformative lesson: just be who you really are and that is more than enough.

There was some undoing to be done! In order to be who I really was, I first had to know who I really was…

1. Meditation is a tool to know yourself.

“Meditation is a way to know your true self. All you need to know is within yourself, seeking it externally in the world will only take you so far. You need to look within.” ~Yut

This Thailand quest was the start of what would become three years of daily meditation. Only 5−10 minutes per day, which connected me with my intuition and the real me. Once I connected, I was able to live from that guidance, using it as my number one navigation tool.

2. Knowing yourself opens the way to limitless possibilities.

“As we become more enlightened, as we know ourselves more, truly anything is possible. When you connect to your true self, then life is limitless and anything you can possibly imagine can be your reality.” ~Yut

I was delighted to hear this! I had incorrectly expected a Buddhist monk would tell me all about denial of one’s longings and living a meager life in solitude and silence.

I had big, audacious dreams for my life—to escape the rat race, to be a writer and coach, and to pursue my passion for energy healing, preferably while traveling the world!

Hearing that meditation was a path to my true self, and connecting to my true self was a path to enlightenment, which in turn opens up limitless possibilities for me, well, I was ready to get my meditation groove on!

3. Face your inner demons; own your responsibility.

“While we are all connected, we must face our own challenges alone.” ~Yut

While I believe deeply that our family and friend support networks are fundamental to thriving in life, the truth is that when we’re talking about inner demons, fears, blocks, and limiting beliefs, we have to face up to those ourselves.

It’s a very personal journey to honestly look into the dark crevices inside yourself and truly own the way you feel, the way you behave, and see what is blocking your own thriving.

Taking responsibility for how we are being and what we are doing is something that requires great courage.

Nearly in tears when I first arrived at the temple, fearful of my time alone in Bangkok and facing up to what massive changes I needed to make in my life, the message of having to face my challenges alone actually empowered me.

It woke me up and made me realize that no one else could set me free from my limiting beliefs about what validated me as a person and the blocks I had about risking my security in pursuit of a more meaningful life.

I had to do this myself. I had to build a relationship with the true me and let her emerge, just as we are all called to do.

Photo by Gane

October 6, 2013
A 4-Step Plan to Deal with Even the Toughest Challenge

“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change.” ~Wayne Dyer

Everything in life is perception. How you perceive life depends on the things and people that have influenced you: school, society, friends, family, TV. So, you may think something is bad or good, but in reality it is neither. You were taught to perceive it the way you do.

One person might see money as the root of all evil, while another might see it as something wonderful that can be used to help others and create opportunities. Two different perceptions of the same thing that are only based on what they have been taught to believe.

What does this have to do with dealing with problems, you may wonder? Well, the way you react to problems has also been taught to you. And by changing the way you perceive them, you will be able to deal much more efficiently with any problem that comes on your path.

A New Way of Dealing with Challenges

This “new” way of looking at challenges is actually thousands of years old and was taught by great masters such as Lao Tzu and the Buddha himself. By learning this technique you’ll be able to deal with the most difficult challenges, while at the same time not letting them affect your inner peace.

This technique will also increase your level of happiness and confidence, allowing you to live a good and joyful life, regardless of your circumstances.

The 4 Steps for Dealing with a Difficult Challenge

1. Accept and let go.

Accept your life as it is now. It doesn’t matter how many or what kind of challenges you are facing. See them as opportunities for growth. This way there is no point in feeling bad about them anymore. They are here to help you.

Accept yourself as you are now. You may have flaws, you may have made mistakes that have contributed to the situation you are in now, but that is not important. Let go of your past and forgive yourself. All that counts is what you do in this moment!

Let go of your fears, stress, and frustrations toward this situation and the people involved, even if you think someone else is to blame for your situation. Feeling anger or hatred toward this person will only (negatively) affect yourself.

How do you accept and let go of things? With a simple exercise called meditation. After four years of daily meditation I can vouch for the fact that it is a very effective tool for getting rid of stress, negativity, frustration, and anything else that is not serving you. Learning to meditate is the biggest gift you can give yourself.

2. Observe and decide.

Observe the situation without letting your emotions take over. You are now able to analyze the situation by just looking at the facts. (This is a lot easier than it sounds when you have a regular meditation practice.)

Decide what the best approach is for this situation and create a plan of action.

3. Face your fears and take action.

Tackling your challenges usually includes facing one or more fears. You can try to avoid facing your fears, but at some point they will circle back into your life and you’ll have to face them again. You can ignore fear, but you can’t escape it.

Learn to be courageous and deal with it once and for all. Being courageous doesn’t mean you become fearless. Everybody experiences fear. It’s just that courageous people are the ones who are brave enough to constantly face their fears.

On YouTube there is a Will Smith interview in which he states: “If something frightens me, I have to do it. I will not let it control me!”

Taking action is the most important step in this whole process. It is also the step where most people get stuck. But by creating the right mindset this becomes a lot easier. Because the emotions that usually frighten you and maybe even paralyze you will no longer have any effect on you, or the effect will be greatly reduced.

4. Practice gratitude.

You may label problems as such because dealing with them takes you out of your comfort zone. Dealing with them in the correct manner means you are growing as a person. So, learn to be grateful for the challenges in your life, because they make you stronger.

How I Used This Mindset to Get Out of Debt

About five years ago I was a recovering drug addict with a ton of debt. As an addict I continuously spent more money than I made. I thought quitting drugs would solve this problem, but it didn’t. I actually kept getting into more debt. At one point it finally got so bad that I had to do something about it.

This was around the time I met my mentor, and with his help I learned to let go of the frustration and other negative emotions surrounding this whole situation. He helped me see things from a different perspective.

I realized that I had stopped using drugs, but that I had not dealt with the cause of my drug abuse. Because of that I had replaced my addiction with a bunch of new ones: fast food, alcohol, and other stuff that would make me forget about my worries.

He helped me see that a lot my problems were related to my relationship with myself. I blamed myself for all the misery in my life and I had such little faith in myself that I did not believe I could succeed at anything. After all, I had failed at so many things already.

Seeing myself slide down a downward spiral and not believing that I had the power to turn this around triggered a lot of anxiety inside of me. And that was why I had all these addictions. They helped me escape from the real world and gave me “instant joy.”

So, to get control over my finances (and my life) again, I had to let go of the anger, blame, and frustration toward myself. Daily meditation exercises are what helped me with this. Meditation helped me replace these feelings with love, confidence, and inner peace.

Once I started to love myself again, I was able to be grateful for all these issues I had been faced with. They had contributed to the person I was at that time and I liked that person. I was stronger and more confident than ever, and these things I first perceived as problems helped me get there.

In the next few months, I made a lot of progress and was able to quit drinking and overeating. I learned to manage my budget responsibly; I automated my monthly payments; and from then on, didn’t even give my financial situation a single thought. I just focused on my abundance and my inner peace instead. It took me years to pay off this debt, but it didn’t keep me from enjoying my life!

This is a process that takes some time to learn. I didn’t get it right the first time either. Some things are easier to deal with than others. But if you take the time to get in the right mindset and learn to let go of the negative things in your life, you will be able to live a life of happiness and joy, regardless of your circumstances.

Photo by -merce-

June 3, 2013
How Your Mind Sabotages Your Life and How to Stop It
“What we see is mainly what we look for.” ~Anonymous

A few weeks ago, my aunt was visiting for a family holiday. I hadn’t seen her in a few years so we were catching up, talking about life, and talking about the projects we were each working on.

“So I’m still working on my PhD dissertation,” she said. “It’s really exhausting, you know, having five kids and doing my PhD all while working. It’s just exhausting.”

“And the problem is that these professors are constantly approving or denying my thesis subjects, so I’ll begin to research it and then they tell me I need to switch. It’s like all these people are against me.”

“We’ve also got some debt from our last house that I lost in the divorce and I’m still trying to manage that while….”

She went on for about 15 minutes, without me even being able to say a word, until her husband finally came in and said:

“Karen, stop gettin’ in your own way, will ya? The way you talk is enough to give a sane person a nervous breakdown.”

And that’s when it clicked.

The Secret Enemy Sabotaging Our Lives

Have you ever gone into a job interview and then couldn’t stop replaying the mental image of yourself messing up? (Like telling yourself, “There are tons of more qualified candidates. I don’t know how they’ll find me….”)

Have you ever changed how you treated someone based on what they looked like, before you even knew them? (Like a random salesman coming up to your door?)

Have you ever gotten upset at your spouse over something that, as it turns out, was entirely in your head? (Like blaming her/him for a mess, when it turns out it was the kids?)

If you’ve done one of these things, then you may be falling prey to this secret enemy called your mind.

Why Happiness, Contentment, and Even Success Originate in Our Mind

I’ve learned there’s one thing that holds us back from doing as well as we want: our mind.

When we’re not doing as well as we want, it’s usually because of made-up dramas that happen in our mind all day long.

Like the belief that we can’t be successful and happy.

Or the belief that it takes a lot of money to start a business.

Or the belief that all successful people are highly intelligent prodigies.

Guess what! None of these are facts. They are merely beliefs that hold us back.

Remember my aunt who thought that the whole world was conspiring against her? It took her own husband saying, “Stop getting in your own way!” for her to even remotely realize it wasn’t a “fact,” but merely her own thoughts affecting her behavior.

So what do you do when your mind is getting in your own way?

Whether it’s messing with your relationship, how you view your job, or just preventing you from being happy, there is one key practice you can do.

Ask yourself: Is this really true?

Try to be a little scientist, and ask yourself “Is this really true?” Do it 100 times a day. Try to find experiences or people that contradict this idea in your head. I’ll show you how.

Example #1: The whole world is against me, I can’t find a job, nothing ever works out, and people are untrustworthy.

When I graduated from college, it was during one of the worst times to go looking for a job.

I talked to many people about it, and I usually ended up saying something like this:

Assumption: “The economy is just so bad. All of the jobs are taken and it’s going to be very difficult for me to find any job (let alone a good one). My college degree means nothing, and I’m going to have to work in Starbucks to pay for my bills. The last two job interviews went horribly. Nothing ever works out for me.”

The Question: Is this really true? What would an observer see?
1. Yes, there are fewer open jobs, based on statistics.
2. A college degree is useful, but there are many other competitors with college degrees too.
3. Yes, the past two job interviews didn’t lead to a job.
But I chose to blame the economy instead of figuring out a novel way to find a job (like through personal connections or learning a brand new skill).

I chose to believe that a college degree is the only way to be competitive in a tough job market.

I chose to believe that life had a personal vendetta against me, when in reality, the only objective fact was that I didn’t get the last two jobs I’d interviewed for.

All of these assumptions were poisoning my mind and creating a filter through which I viewed the world.

And all of these things prevented me from doing the only thing that mattered: seeing reality for what it was and taking the next step forward.

Example #2: “In order to get fit, I’ve heard you have to work out two hours a day and just eat lettuce. I could never do that.”

My dad, a guy who is in his late 50s who loves watching MMA (mixed martial arts), figured he should start taking better care of his health. Unfortunately, he had a lot of emotional and mental baggage:

Assumption: “In order to get fit you need to work out two or more hours a day like these MMA guys and just eat super clean. You need iron willpower to never eat sweets and maintain that kind of workout plan. I could never do that. You’ve really got to be in the peak of your life.”

The Question: Is this really true?

The easiest way to find the objective truth for this would be to ask someone who did it.

Fortunately a family friend who is a doctor recently had a success story to compare to:
1. Do you need to workout two hours a day? “I only worked out forty-five minutes, four times a week.”
2. Do you need to eat only lettuce? “Actually, I ate plenty of meat, veggies, nuts, and fruits (and wine!), and was rarely hungry.”
3. Do you need to restrict all the foods you enjoy? “I had one cheat day: it turned out to be Saturdays when I had free-reign on tiramisu and red wine.”
So how do you think my dad’s behavior changed when he learned that his former “belief” was not a fact?

He felt liberated. He felt in control. He felt like he had the reigns in his own life. It’s incredibly empowering.

When he learned that maybe it’s a little more realistic than he thought, that dramatically improved the chances that he’d change his behavior for the better.

What does this mean for you?

Many of us today don’t feel in control of our lives and feel like there is a game being played around us.

But what we don’t realize is that it is our mind skewing reality—and the moment we learn to control our mind, we have more control over our reality.

Next time you get into an argument with someone, ask yourself: Is my mind controlling my reality?

You’ll suddenly wake up with this incredible realization that you are much more capable and in control than you think.

Photo by herecomestherooster
May 1, 2013
Overcome Fears Through Lucid Dreaming

“You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

It took me a second to realize what was happening.

I was hanging onto a rope and headed straight for the sky.

I must have been around 100 feet in the air. I was looking at the ground and it kept getting smaller and smaller. I couldn’t take it anymore and closed my eyes.

When I opened them again I was lying in my bed.

But this was no ordinary dream. I was actually aware of what was happening, as it happened. I was “awake” inside my head.

Let’s Rewind 7 Days

I was looking around the Internet and came across something called lucid dreaming. It talked about learning how to hack your dreams, to wake up inside the dream world and manipulate it as you wished.

I wasn’t skeptical in the slightest. You see, I remembered back to my childhood where I would “wake up” in these strange places then all of a sudden I’d be right back in bed.

Could it be? Something I’d been puzzled about my whole life was finally to be answered. It was more than I could ever have imagined.

Not only could I wake up in my dreams, but I could train myself to do it whenever I wanted. I’d heard it can take up to three months for the average person to learn, so I got to work straight away.

Seven days later when I was thundering toward the sky, it was my first taste of intentional lucidity. Nearly one year later and my eyes have seen things people only dream about.

Let’s Get One Thing Straight

I don’t want you to think of lucid dreaming as some weird new-age phenomenon. That couldn’t be further than the truth. Buddhists have been practicing it for thousands of years, and it’s even been scientifically proven. (more…)

October 25, 2012
Embracing Vulnerability and Putting Yourself Out There

“He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend his entire life on one leg.” ~Chinese Proverb

I’m not going to put myself out there.

I’m afraid to fail.

I’m afraid to succeed.

What are they going to say about me?

What if I’m not good enough?

What if they laugh at me?

Are people going to think I’m weird?

What are people going to think of me?

The list of worries goes on and on. Our minds like to swim in the ocean of complacency.

We all have fears. Let me repeat that—we all have fears. Guess what? They’re not going away.

It’s time we embrace the fact that we need to be vulnerable.

I had the opportunity to see Brene Brown speak recently at the World Domination Summit in Portland. Brene is a professor, author, and powerful storyteller. She has done some amazing research on embracing vulnerability and basically knocking fear out.

It was an enlightening talk for me. As a guy’s guy (or at least I think of myself as one), I’m the guy that defaults to putting my armor on. Nice and tight.

I’m challenged to put my feelings out there. I tend to put on a happy face, even when sadness hits. I default to the old school way of thinking—the “never let them see you sweat” motto. I’m working on it, however, and I’m making progress.

My Evolution

It’s not that I’ve never put myself out there. I started a blog in 2009 about productivity and personal development. It was hard for me to open up. A number of questions surfaced (like the ones at the beginning of the post).

What were people going to think? Why am I qualified to talk on these topics? I finally said screw it and jumped in. (more…)

August 21, 2012
3 Tools to Help You Crush Your Fears
“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

Though there are many events outside of our control, we do have the power to change our own lives. So what’s stopping us?

In a word: fear.

Fear is a great survival instinct. It helped our ancestors survive the rigors of daily life. But nowadays, fear holds us back from achieving what we want to achieve.

My Story

I grew up living in fear. In school, I tried to win the approval of other people by letting them bully me. I was terrified of being disliked, and this constantly worked against me.

When I was 15, I suddenly came down with Crohn’s Disease, a painful autoimmune disorder. It was the beginning of a new journey; a journey that would permanently enroll me in the school of hard knocks.

I believe the biggest fear I am in the process of overcoming is the fear of going against society’s expectations. One example: Society expects you to be gloom and doom when you’re going through a tough illness. Not me.

Before I even started learning about personal development, I tried to lighten up the days of the doctors and nurses in the hospital with a smile and positive demeanor. This completely cut through expectations, because “sick” people aren’t supposed to smile.

When I started feeling better, I decided to work on my fears even more. I went to online school, where I worked on the fear of being a self-disciplined learner.

I started a daily stretching routine, and posted a video of myself doing a full split online. I sent it to my old ballet teacher, and she invited me to come to dance in her studio.

That idea had never even crossed my mind. A swirl of irrational thoughts went racing through my mind:
- What if I’m not good enough at dancing to be in the studio?
- What if I get sick?
- What are all of the people going to think of me? I have an NG tube in my nose that makes me look weird! (more…)
April 23, 2012
Being Patient through Transformation: Trust, Change, Believe

“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.” ~Charles R. Swindoll

Ever noticed a chrysalis hidden within its cocoon? The final few moments before it emerges as a butterfly compose what science terms as metamorphosis, a transformation.

If you have been lucky enough to observe this process, which I highly recommend watching, you’d notice it has to struggle quite a bit before it gets all the attention for being the magnificent creature it is.

It’s long and painful. However, while watching it, you may be tempted to clip off the outer covering of the chrysalis with a pair of scissors. And you might do it, thinking you’re doing it a favor. But when it finally emerges, you’d be sorely disappointed.

The chrysalis’ covering holds within its shell vital fluids that are important to its wing formation. But your act of kindness, of clipping that outer shell deprives it of that, and as a result, the butterfly that emerges is crippled, deformed, and nothing like the butterfly it was supposed to be.

On the other hand, if you can muster up the patience to watch this metamorphosis take place, without any intervention from your side, you’ll see one of the most beautiful miracles of nature, and one of life’s best lessons.

Our lives are journeys to this same type of metamorphosis, to find a sense of purpose in life. We cannot achieve this without the difficult situations or the pain that life often brings in generous doses.

Each one of us has had to let go of a dream, compromise, and experience pain and the entire gamut of emotions that an undesirable change can bring. But by no means did it ever spell the end of all dreams.

I graduated from law school with big dreams to help the world, to fight for justice, and to make a difference with my education, because I considered myself fortunate to have had an academic training— unlike the millions of other kids who haven’t had a chance to study at all.

I joined the non-profit sector with high hopes and zero expectations of financial rewards, because all I wanted was to make a difference. But life had other plans, as it always does.

Eight months down the line, I quit my job over the lack of work ethics. I couldn’t stand to compromise my principles, or to allow myself to be manipulated for what I held to be good and true. That was the end of a long cherished dream. It was a difficult decision because it certainly didn’t look good on a resume! (more…)

August 30, 2011