Tiny Buddha

Tag: Fear

  • How to Move through Shame, Fear, and Regret

    How to Move through Shame, Fear, and Regret

    “If you are never scared, embarrassed, or hurt, it means you never take chances.” ~Julia Soul

    The moment comes when you are on your knees.

    You are filled with a knowing that there is something better. There is a life for you that you are not living, and you are ready to live it.

    I call this the moment of awakening—the moment when you hear your soul’s cry for the next step in its evolution. You are ready to live your fullest expression.

    Anais Nin said it best, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

    For me, this looked like a crazy, dysfunctional relationship with food and the feeling that I was spiraling out of control. I was literally stuffing down my truest, most authentic self, and I felt lost and off my path. I was filled with a pain that I didn’t understand that I realized came from the void of not living my purpose.

    A whisper that I had been ignoring for far too long finally spoke a little louder and said, “You are here for more than this.” It came as a feeling and awareness all throughout my body.

    For you, it may feel like you’re stuck in a never-ending cycle, one that keeps you from feeling whole and fulfilled. It’s a sense that something is missing, and you are ready to break free. You realize that your deepest desire is to improve your life and fill that greater vision for yourself.

    Often this feeling comes with a sense of determination, which can quickly turn into paralysis and feelings of:

    • Fear of the unknown and of judgment
    • Shame for where you’re at and for needing help
    • Regret of your past choices

    These feelings are natural and normal, and there is absolutely no reason to let them stop you. (more…)

  • 5 Steps to Push Through Fear

    5 Steps to Push Through Fear

    “Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.” ~Rumi

    This summer, I drove up Highway 5 from Los Angeles on my way to Grass Valley to visit my friend Carol, a painting teacher, for a week of painting in her studio. I can’t remember the last time I hit the road on my own for an eight-hour drive to nature.

    I forgot what it was like to crank up the stereo listening to old tunes, straining my vocal cords to and singing full voice off key.

    On my right, I saw semi trucks making deliveries from central California farms. I watched onion peels from the truck beds flit through the air like white winged butterflies. I saw tons of bright yellow lemons piled high, Italian tomatoes toppling onto one another, and potted trees tacked down by enormous tarps waving through the speeding air.

    Passing Sacramento and getting off on Highway 49, I found myself driving on a straight two- lane road lined by dense tall cedar trees, into what seemed to be like the center of the earth. Carol calls this the “channel.” Hardly a store, restaurant, or gas station around. I couldn’t help but question my friend’s sudden move into such isolation.

    Our plan was to go deep into the painting process, just the two of us, and I was excited for the immersion. Because of the heat, Carol said we’d paint in the morning and the evening, but in the afternoon we would hike to cool down in the Yuba River.

    I’ve been a city girl for far too long and was embarrassed by my trepidation to go into the river.

    I remember when I was nine swimming across the Mississippi headwaters at Lake Itasca in Northern Minnesota. I also remember the picture of me on my Mother’s desk—I was five, at Robbers Cave State Park in Oklahoma, stripped of all my clothes and crouching in the running cascades over river rocks, with arms held wide into the air.

    I brought my bathing suit with me but Carol said I wouldn’t need it—it was Northern California after all.

    “Naked?” I yelped.

    “Yes, silly! No one but us will be there.” (more…)

  • How to Make a Difficult Decision: 30 Ideas to Help You Choose

    How to Make a Difficult Decision: 30 Ideas to Help You Choose

    “The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” ~Flora Whittemore

    I have been running this website for almost two years. A few months back, I met a goal I set for myself: I eliminated most of my other freelance work and focused my energy on Tiny Buddha.

    Since I don’t require much money to live—and since my eBook has been selling regularly—I was able to transition in the spring. As a consequence, I decreased my workload dramatically.

    Now that I have more time, I realize that I need to discover a sense of purpose beyond writing and editing, and not just through hobbies and fun. Essentially, I need to find new ways to contribute to the world, regardless of the income it generates, because I crave a greater sense of connection and engagement, outside the world of the web.

    Last week, I received an offer to run a ‘tween website, working part-time hours. My first paid writing gig was for a ‘tween magazine, back in 2006. This felt meaningful to me, not just because I fulfilled the dream of seeing my byline in print, but because I understand how difficult it is to be that age.

    Many of my problems began in junior high, when I was chubby, overdeveloped, harassed, and even abused by other kids. Because that time was so traumatic for me, I revel in the opportunity to speak to girls who may be struggling to love themselves.

    This leaves me with a tough decision to make: Do I listen to the instinct that tells me to try to help young girls? Or do I listen to the instinct that tells me to stay unplugged when I’m not working on Tiny Buddha?

    Do I do what comes naturally to me—what I’ve done through various sites these last five years—and keep analyzing, advising, and helping online? Or do I step outside the world of the written word, onto a path I’ve yet to define, and see where it may lead?

    One seems to involve a lot more certainty. I’ll definitely feel fulfilled writing for girls (and the extra money couldn’t hurt). But I’ll likely also feel frustrated that I’m continuing to spend so much time alone, at my computer.

    The other revolves around a million unknowns. What’s next if it isn’t online? How do I pick one of the many ideas I have, and how can I bring it to fruition? How do I know that what I choose will work out, and if it doesn’t, that I won’t regret not going the other way?

    The answer is I don’t, can’t, and won’t. We can never know for sure when we make a decision that it’s going to pan out as we hope. All we can do is follow our strongest calling, and then trust that whatever the future holds, it will enrich our lives, one way or another.

    Since I’ve been struggling with career-related decisions recently, I turned to the Tiny Buddha Facebook page and asked the community, “How do you make a difficult decision?” I collected some of the responses that resonated with me most strongly: (more…)

  • 5 Immediate and Easy Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic

    5 Immediate and Easy Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic

    “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” ~William Shakespeare

    I love to paint. I’m not a professional artist. I have no technique, and I am not trained. But I love how the brush feels as it dips into color and moves across a white page.

    Painting allows me to be free, to have fun and play. It also does something else: It shows me how I judge myself and how I can get in my own way. It reveals what I believe about myself that stops me from creating whatever I want.

    Even as I take joy in the process of painting I still hear the inner-critic in my head:

    “This flower is not pretty enough. It should be purple, not red.”

    “Make this face look good so others can recognize what a good painter you are.”

    “You can’t paint just for the sheer joy of it—you need to be doing more productive things with your time.”

    “It’s ugly, and when people see it, they’re going to think you’re weird.”

    The judge inside me likes to tell me how bad I am. He mocks me, teases me, and pushes me around. He’s mean, insensitive, and determined to hold me back.

    When we engage in a project, whether it is the beginning, the middle, or the end, the judge loves to get involved. Although the judge is very unoriginal and speaks to each of us very much the same, his judgments take on hundreds of forms.

    The judge is most definitely a thief, robbing us of our innate goodness, worth, talent, values, and ability. He makes us believe in illusions, wreaks havoc on our spirit, and causes chaos in our mind.

    He likes to break our ego and tell us we are not enough and bad. He likes to tell us we are not loved and not cared about—that we don’t matter.

    He even likes to stroke our ego and puff us up, telling us how good we are, how special and how unique. “Look how beautiful that purple flower is. Look how very talented you are. When people see this, they’re going to find you very special.”

    He loves to break us and stroke us. He loves to seduce us and tempt us. He loves to make us doubt ourselves.

    So how do we silence this inner critic and put him in his place? (more…)

  • 6 ways to Deal with “I Should Be Better” Syndrome

    6 ways to Deal with “I Should Be Better” Syndrome

    “When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” ~Lao Tzu

    Pretty much everyone I know thinks they should be doing better in some way, at least sometimes.

    Are you totally and completely satisfied with what you’ve done so far in life? No little part of you thinks, maybe I should have more money in the bank? Or maybe I should have a more professional wardrobe, or a book contract, or a dog that’s housebroken?

    The word “should” isn’t exactly enlightened or peaceful, nor is the practice of judging yourself or believing that you’re not exactly where you’re meant to be. But we’re human, so our thoughts inevitably go there from time to time.

    We judge ourselves. We hold ourselves to standards that someone else made up—standards that may not even make sense for our current life.

    I often hear people say things like:

    • “I can’t believe I’m in my forties and still don’t have matching luggage.”
    • “Shouldn’t my child be reading by now?”
    • “I always assumed I’d exercise regularly after I finished college.”
    • “I can’t believe I don’t have better health insurance at this stage in my career.”

    I have to wonder, whose beliefs are those? Whose standards are they, really? It’s not like we wake up at forty and suddenly crave matching luggage. Someone fed us that expectation somewhere along the way, and we forgot it wasn’t our own.

    Would the mother feel genuine concern for her child’s reading skills if they lived on a deserted island? Or is the pressure external, based on what others say, think, and read, and she simply doesn’t realize those thoughts aren’t hers?

    And I, too, have thoughts like these all the time. Not those exactly, but ones like them.

    Like how I should be famous by now. Really. The ship has sailed for being on Oprah, but isn’t someone going to beg me to come on their show?  And how I always thought that by age thirty-four I’d own a home with a yard, not a small condo in the city. Or how I still buy all my clothes on sale and I don’t have a decent wardrobe. And how I still say “like” and “awesome” way too much for an adult.

    So it’s starting to look like we’re all in the same boat with this I-should-be-doing -better stuff.

    Since it’s such a universal human issue, maybe we can make a collective pact to just stop with the shoulds? Can we collectively agree to be just a little kinder to ourselves? Can we set aside the judgments and be proud of ourselves, right this minute, not when we achieve something we haven’t yet achieved? (more…)

  • How to Let Go of Fear to Live Passionately and Authentically

    How to Let Go of Fear to Live Passionately and Authentically

    “If we are not fully ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I’ve done a lot of stripping lately. It’s been liberating. I’ve been peeling away layers of the ego—all the accumulated stuff—to find who I am at the core.

    It wasn’t too long ago when I noticed how quickly my life would go from an extreme high to an extreme low—how one moment could seem so perfect and wonderful, and then suddenly something would happen and it would turn into a less appealing scene.

    The story went something like this: “Life is good. No it’s not. Life is good. No it’s not…” This narrative repetitiously replayed like a bad remix.

    I was never fulfilled because I was always dependent on something outside of me—the praise I received that day, what the scale said, how great my workout was, or the next scheduled vacation.

    I remember the first time I published a piece of my writing and I asked my husband: “Is it perfect?” Then I agonized over what kind of feedback it would get.

    He smiled and quickly said, “Perfect is too many people to please, babe.”

    His words resonated with me and peeled away one layer of my ego. Slowly, more layers began to peel as I became aware that I’d given my worth to other people. I’d become reliant on external feedback because I did not value what I was worth. (more…)

  • 3 Steps to Make a Bad Day Good

    3 Steps to Make a Bad Day Good

    “To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.” ~Chuang-Tzu

    The beauty of life is that we constantly have the opportunity to change it.

    We always have the power to recreate it. We can change our thoughts, remember how to live instead of planning each moment, forgive the past, be present for the now, slow down the speed, and push the reset button on a day that has escaped us.

    I recently had one of those days.

    This past Saturday was wonderful, or so I thought it would be when I woke up.

    I’d been invited to a traditional Cambodian, Vietnamese Wedding, and was excited to attend. Although I didn’t know the bride or the groom, I would be the guest of a good friend.

    I had a couple of mishaps that morning that caused me to be late. First, I spent thirty minutes with my younger sister, peeling a wad of gum off the heels she’d borrowed from me the night before—the ones I planned to wear to the wedding in the next hour.

    I half-sprinted without make-up to my car, holding a coffee that later spilled all over the front seat.

    I arrived to the ceremony fifteen minutes late. I quickly made my way toward the front door of the home. A room full of women in vibrant, traditional Asian clothing greeted me inside.

    I introduced myself to a couple as a guest of Sophya, a good friend of mine. They just looked at me blankly, perhaps unsure who she was, and didn’t really respond.

    I made my way to the nearby couch where a small group of kids were playing to wait for Sophya there. After getting lost in Legos for twenty minutes, I heard Sophya calling me from another room. (more…)

  • 20 Ways to Overcome Doubts

    20 Ways to Overcome Doubts

    “To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~ Pema Chodron

    Nine out of ten times when I feel paralyzed, it’s because I doubt myself.

    Sometimes I doubt my knowledge—whether I truly know enough to move forward. Sometimes I doubt the choices I’ve already made, as if I can somehow find a sense of control in rehashing what I’ve done and deciding how to do it better in the future.

    Other times I doubt my instincts. I think I know what’s right for me, but my mind decides to split and take sides, creating a nagging sense of internal conflict over what I actually want to do.

    I’ve mostly dealt with this as it pertains to my dreams, and it’s partially because I’m terrified of doing the wrong thing and somehow ruining everything I’ve been working toward. I don’t want to say the wrong thing, or make the wrong decision and then have to take responsibility for the outcome of my choice.

    It feels easier not to choose at all.

    But what I’m learning is that there is no such thing as “wrong.” The only wrong choice is not making one. That’s not to say we’ll always create the outcomes we visualize. But maybe that isn’t the point.

    Maybe the point is to learn to be less afraid of leaping, knowing that the net may not always appear, but the fall will never be far enough to do any lasting damage.

    This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately as I stretch outside my comfort zone with public speaking. As a former loner, I don’t deal well with crowds in general, let alone crowds staring at me while I talk vulnerably and passionately about something I love.

    The space between the stage and the ground always feels like a massive distance, both in the ascent and the decline. I can’t say for certain I will ever feel fully confident in the spotlight. I may always feel at least some self-doubt, but I can choose not to doubt the choice to stretch and grow.

    Doubts are just an inevitable part of life. The important thing is that we act in spite of them. (more…)

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Fear-Based Decisions

    Tiny Wisdom: On Fear-Based Decisions

    “Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.” ~Marianne Williamson

    Sometimes I look at people who appear to be confident, successful, and happy and imagine that they always feel that way—that they never feel insecure or afraid, and they always operate from a place of trusting love.

    Then I remember that every person who has a pulse deals with human emotions. What confident, successful, happy people have going for them is that they feel fears, but they make decisions from a place underneath them.

    They push through discomfort, fully aware that it’s impermanent, and in the process learn, grow, and expand. They realize that whatever happened in the past is over, and what happens is the future is dependent on their willingness to act now.

    Some days I let my fear control me, feeling sure I know what bad thing is coming and determined to prevent it. On other days I remember that I am shaping the future, and I can create it in love or fear, but not both. Which do you choose today?

    Photo by jennratonmort

  • Let Go of Fear by Stopping the Stories in Your Head

    Let Go of Fear by Stopping the Stories in Your Head

    “The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    For a very long time fear has controlled me. It has paralyzed me, kept me living in desperate situations, and stopped me from living the life of my dreams.

    It has only been with age and the practice of mindfulness these last few years that I have come to recognize the fear within me, having finally begun the process of facing it.

    By facing fear, I don’t mean that I’ve started base-jumping, purposely trapped myself in elevators, or allowed tarantulas to climb all over my body.

    I mean that I’ve sat in meditation, watched the fears arise, and rather than react to them or allow them to become part of the stories that make up my life, I’ve observed them in my mind from a distance.

    I’ve felt how they’ve manifested in my body, and I’ve moved into that physical discomfort in order to pay attention to fear in a way I’ve never allowed myself to do before.

    When I think about the compulsive and addictive activities that have kept me stuck in a place of fear in the past, they all come from stories that play through my head everyday. For example:

    Shopping

    I shop to feel better about myself. I believe that the pair of celebrity-endorsed high heels I’ve just bought will make me glamorous enough to fit in with the goddesses I see around me and therefore help me feel accepted.

    Interestingly, I don’t feel bad about myself unless I’m comparing myself to others. Therefore, in the comparing, I’m looking at others who have what I don’t have and as a result, fear that I’m unstylish, lacking in physical appeal, or not beautiful enough.

    Overeating

    When the new pair of high heels I’ve been wearing to work everyday go unnoticed, start to slowly destroy my feet, and still haven’t prompted an invite to the “right” parties, I give up and start to search the fridge.

    I discover a tub of ice-cream or pack of cookies that may not make me more beautiful or accepted, but help me to fill my stomach up and create a fullness in the exact place that fear is beginning to dig a deeper and deeper hole inside of me.

    Television

    When that sick feeling deep down in my stomach starts rising again, but this time from a mix of cookies and cream and a base of fear, I sit in the comfiest chair I can find and reach for the remote control.

    Rather than listen to the personal derision that I’ve switched to repeat in my mind, I watch re-runs of my favorite reality show. I can then cheer the reality star on as I would a friend. Or, I can sit and degrade them to make myself feel better by utilizing the meanest thoughts I have going through my head, now targeted towards them.

    Surfing

    I would love to say that after this fear based self-pity and hatred party I would choose to hit the shore with my trusty long board to work off that ice-cream, but unless that board comes with a qwerty keyboard, I’m more inclined to stay at home.

    Only after watching other people live their busy lives does it actually register that I should reach out and connect with my friends.

    And having destroyed my feet in high heels, eaten an entire quart of ice-cream all by myself, and vegged out in front of the TV in my PJs, I hardly feel like getting dolled up to go out for some face to face time. Therefore, the next best source of connection is my new best friend—the Internet.

    After returning a few pokes, commenting on a couple of friend’s pictures, and then checking my homepage incessantly to see if anyone online has responded to my posts, the night drags on.

    I continually stare at a glowing screen as the minutes tick by, unable to disconnect myself from the cyber world and face the fear of being alone with my self-pity and self-hatred.

    Reality Check Time

    Can you believe that this entire fear-based cycle of self-pity and hatred grew from a simple comparison of what I was wearing to those around me? Unbelievable, right? Not really.

    Having observed my mind, I’ve come to understand that a good amount of my daily fear-based suffering starts by making comparisons and then creating stories in my head.

    Encouragingly, I am not unique in what I do. However, it is unfortunate to realize that many people who suffer in the same way I do will never learn how to curb their own suffering. They will never give themselves the time to sit, reflect, and watch what comes up in their minds without becoming involved in the stories.

    If you would like to take more control over your mind and your suffering, the best practices I know are meditation and mindfulness.

    1. First, accept that in order to become more mindful, we must recognize that we are solely responsible for what we do with the thoughts our minds produce.

    While we can’t stop our minds completely, we can take control over them and create moments of peace for ourselves.

    2. Second, when thoughts or fear arise, try to do the following as soon as you are aware of what’s taking place in your mind and body:

    • Stop.
    • Take a long, deep breath in and out. In your mind say “in” as you breathe in and “out” as you breathe out in order to ground yourself in the present moment.
    • Then, feel the ground beneath your feet. Notice the way your clothes feel against your skin, the wind against your face, the sun on your cheeks. Listen to the birds singing, the rain falling around you, or the ticking of a nearby clock.

    All this will ground you in the present moment. Even if thoughts want to drag you away with them, coming back to recognize the breath will give you the control you need to prevent this from happening.

    Follow these steps until you feel that the thought or storyline in your mind has moved on, or until you feel that the pull of your thought or fear has dissipated slightly.

    At this point, you can return to whatever you were doing, and hopefully you will have prevented yourself from suffering in that moment.

    Unfortunately, these steps are by no means a quick fix in saving you from the suffering we all encounter every day. In fact, at first it will take all your energy and resolve not to react to what your mind and ego are doing.

    It’s also quite possible that even once you’ve covered these steps, you will still get lost in your thoughts and fears by comparing yourself to others.

    Whether you do this or not isn’t the point. The point is that you’ve finally managed to sit back and look at your thoughts and fear. Once you have done this, you’ve begun the process of taking back control of your mind and your life.

    No doubt, occasionally you’ll also stop and find yourself right in the middle of buying something you don’t really need or switching on the TV without thinking about what you’re doing.

    But, as long as you notice you’re mid-way through handing your credit card to the lovely sales person at the cash register, then you’re on your way to conquering your mind.

    The more you practice, the better you will get. The key to all this is not giving up.

    I’m not saying you’ll be able to climb to the top of the Burj Al Khalifa on your next trip to Dubai or take a shower with eight beady spider eyes hanging out on the shower head above you.

    But you will be able to stop the stories in your head instead of feeling a pull to distract yourself from all the pain they cause you.

    So why not give it a shot. Can it really hurt? Well it might, but it’ll hurt for all the right reasons.

  • 5 Steps to Reinvent Yourself: Create the Future You Visualize

    5 Steps to Reinvent Yourself: Create the Future You Visualize

    Man with hands up

    “You’re never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream.” ~C. S. Lewis

    Change means reinvention. Each time a major shift happens in our lives—leaving a job or a relationship, moving, losing a loved one—we have to choose who we want to become or risk never reaching our full potential.

    I’ve reinvented myself several times in my life. Most adults have.

    But what I always forget is that we have to choose reinvention. Each time I’ve done it, I’ve forged my new path deliberately and with foresight.

    When I’ve waited for my future to find me, I’ve waited in vain, lost in confusion and sadness, or I’ve gotten tangled up in a situation I didn’t want.

    One morning, after struggling for months with grief and loss, I woke up and realized that I was having so much trouble moving forward partly because I had no idea what it was that I wanted to move toward. I was thinking about my past, but not what I wanted for my future.

    (more…)

  • Growing Pains: When Becoming Something New Feels Scary

    Growing Pains: When Becoming Something New Feels Scary

    Growing Pains

    “The moment in between what you once were, and who you are now becoming, is where the dance of life really takes place.” ~Barbara De Angelis

    When we were kids, my dad used to measure us as we grew taller. On the back of the door of the laundry chute, he would keep track of me and my two sisters.

    Every six months or so, he’d take out the ruler and lay it right on the top of our heads and mark the door. When we’d step away, we’d notice that we grew a few inches since the last time. Or, if we look at where we measured the previous year, we’d discover that we grew a full foot.

    When did this growing take place? We didn’t feel it? And yet we were taller.

    I think this is how it is supposed to feel. Effortless. Graceful. Easy.

    But when we are stepping out in new arenas, it seems there is so much more to consider. There are financial risks and personal risks and relationship risks and emotional risks.

    Right?

    We are in the in-between. We are becoming someone we haven’t been before. We are living larger than we dared before.

    It doesn’t feel so graceful.

    When I first started producing teleseminars, I had to call high-profile speakers and ask them to be a part of our lineup. One of the first speakers I had to call had been on CNN and all the other news channels, and she was represented by a publicist in New York.

    We were a “nobody.” But we wanted her on our line up to give us credibility. And I had to somehow project that we were bigger than we were to get her on our show. I remember looking at this publicist’s number on my computer screen and having to talk myself into making the call.

    I hadn’t done this before. What kind of questions might she ask? I didn’t know what I needed to be prepared for. I wrote myself a script of exactly my pitch, what I would say when she answered the phone.

    Projecting confidence, I made it through my first call. I got her answering machine. I left her a message and followed up with an email. (more…)

  • Cracking Your Comfort Zone: How to Face a Fear

    Cracking Your Comfort Zone: How to Face a Fear

    “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” ~Unknown

    I’m about to write something that’s freaky and a bit philosophical, but true. Really take this in: You become your comfort zone.

    Getting out of your comfort zone is crucial to actualizing your aspirations.

    If you want something that you don’t already have, there’s a good chance you’ll have to do things that you haven’t already done.

    Doing those things may not feel natural to you. You may even feel uncomfortable and awkward. But ultimately, behind the frightening facade of fear is a bigger version of who you already are. That’s where the fun is.

    Cracking your comfort zone involves feeling fear and befriending it. Your fear is there for a reason. Respect and embrace it.

    The best of the best feel fear. So will you. The trick is to not let it immobilize you, but instead, use it as a driving force to take you where you want to go.

    When we learn how to accept and embrace our fear of the unknown, we open ourselves up to an endless opportunity for pure potentiality to emerge. (more…)

  • Our Shared Fears & 5 Ways to Overcome Them

    Our Shared Fears & 5 Ways to Overcome Them

    Alone

    “Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” ~Isabel Allende

    In life, we experience two kinds of fear: real fear and psychological fear. Or, as I prefer to think of the latter, ego-fear.

    In the words of Immanuel Kant, the ego is “our precious little self.” Or as Eckhart Tolle calls it, “the voice in the head.” It isn’t who you really are, but the you that you think you are.

    Each day, what you see in the mirror is the reflection of your physical being, and within, you may get glimpses of your unique personality in that reflection too, in between your laugh lines or furrowed brow. Still, it’s not really you.

    Same thing with the roles you inhabit each day and how they are reflected back to you: as friend, lover, parent, child, worker, boss. These are different selves we pick up each day as needed, as the situation or relationship summons them.

    But knowing that these roles, as well as your reflection in the mirror, are not who you actually are is an important distinction to which all enlightened, sentient beings become aware.

    With this background, we can better understand our shared fears and how to overcome them. (more…)

  • Baby Steps: A Simple Guide to Doing Something New

    Baby Steps: A Simple Guide to Doing Something New

    “It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” ~Proverb

    Two years ago, after hearing Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project, talk about setting up one’s own blog, I went home and did just that. It had been something I had thought of doing, one day, when I would get over my “fear” of technology and decide I can do this.

    Her talk made it sound so easy that I sat down and went for it. And I did it; I set up my own blog on blogpost. I was quite proud of myself. Within the next couple of weeks I wrote a couple of posts. And then I got stuck. I didn’t know where to go from there, what to focus on, what direction to take.

    Month after month went by and I didn’t post. I had only done three postings in total. It actually felt burdensome having it up there but feeling paralyzed about continuing to post.

    After about a year, I decided to get it taken down. I felt relieved that it was off. My leap into the blogging world had sent me springing backwards. I was not ready for this. It required a commitment of writing consistently and with a focus, neither of which I had at the time.

    But it was definitely something I wanted to come back to again, one day. I didn’t feel like I was barking up the wrong tree but rather I needed to backtrack and take more preliminary steps towards this goal. So I started reading lots of other blogs and posting comments on them, Tiny Buddha being one of them.

    I’d even get comments on my comments, which was exciting to me. That gave me a boost. I wrote a couple of online pieces for newsletters. That was a win for me. And then I noticed the submissions statement on Tiny Buddha and figured I’d give that a try. (more…)

  • How to Deal with Pain and Uncertainty

    How to Deal with Pain and Uncertainty

    “The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.” ~C.C. Scott

    A blueberry muffin, that’s the last thing we spoke about before she went under.

    I didn’t know it then, but it was to be the final conversation my (middle) daughter and I would have for a very long time. I was trying to distract Nava by talking about food; in this case, the promise of the rest of her muffin when she came back from the bronchoscopy.

    We were thrown a steep curve ball out of left field when Nava went for an exploratory procedure and ended up on a respirator in a drug-induced paralyzed coma. 

    Almost three months later, miraculously, she was slowly awakened, but not to any muffin; rather, to a  life that would require a strength of spirit, body, and soul unlike anything we could’ve ever imagined.

    Nava was in an uphill battle to rebuild her life, muscle by muscle, limb by limb, as she relearned and reclaimed each bodily function.

    Her spirit, attitude, and disposition carried her through this torturous climb and that carried me through, as well.  You could say I piggybacked on my daughter’s positive, brave, fighting spirit.

    What do you do when your feet are jello, the ground is mush, and you’re drowning in a dark abyss of unknowns, amidst horrific pain and suffering? How do you begin to grope along the edge and regain some sense of grounding? (more…)

  • Pema Chodron Retreat Giveaway

    Pema Chodron Retreat Giveaway

    Blessings

    Update: The winners have already been chosen for this giveaway. Subscribe to the Tiny Buddha List to learn about future contests!

    Last week, I received an email from the marketing team at Shambhala Publications informing me about the upcoming “Smile-at-Fear” retreat, to be hosted by Pema Chödrön.

    This three-day event, focused on wisdom from Pema’s teacher, Chögyam Trungpa, will take place in Richmond, California from October 15–17. Since Pema rarely hosts events of this nature, it sold out pretty quickly, but there’s still a chance to learn what she has to share.

    Shambhala Publishing has decided to bring the retreat to the virtual world so anyone can learn to develop a fearless heart. The online event includes:

    • Full access to the three-day event in real time, via live-streaming video feed
    • On-demand video access available for sixty days after the event ends
    • An edited video download available after the retreat
    • A discount coupon for 30% off the DVD edition
    • An e-book of Chögyam Trungpa’s Smile at Fear, the book on which the program is based (available as ePub, PDF, mobi)

    Though the virtual event costs $59.95, I was fortunate enough to receive forty free tickets, and I’d like to give them away to you! (more…)

  • LOVE Versus Fear

    LOVE Versus Fear

    LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL (fear is conditional)

    LOVE IS STRONG (fear is weak)

    LOVE RELEASES (fear obligates)

    LOVE SURRENDERS (fear binds)

    LOVE IS HONEST (fear is deceitful)

    LOVE TRUSTS (fear suspects)

    LOVE ALLOWS (fear dictates)

    LOVE GIVES (fear resists)

    LOVE FORGIVES (fear blames)

    LOVE IS COMPASSIONATE (fear pities) (more…)

  • On Fearing Change: When It’s Time to Take a Leap of Faith

    On Fearing Change: When It’s Time to Take a Leap of Faith

    Barcelona

    “Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.” ~Unknown

    There are two basic human emotions that are the driving force behind each thought, each daily inspiration, and that rare but pivotal new-chapter, life-changing decision. Those things are fear and love.

    The funny thing, however, is that they are intertwining forces. In order to feel passionately about something, fear and love must coexist.

    One year ago I made what some people would consider an irrational decision. I had a great job, a flexible boss, and rainbow-colored work walls, to boot.

    I had a circle of close-knit, happy-hour-loving girlfriends who brought overflowing amounts of joy and adventure to my life. Together we’d paint Los Angeles red, fly to Chicago on a “girls’ trip” whim, and celebrate each other’s birthdays in Las Vegas.

    Within our friendly beach-side neighborhood were my favorite Thai restaurant, faithful yoga studio, and the best omelet breakfast spot within a five miles radius of each other. My adoring family was a short one-hour Southwest flight away, so I could always access TLC from mom and dad.

    I was comfortable, I was happy, but most of all I was where everyone wants to be—safe. (more…)

  • 7 Ways to Deal with Uncertainty So You Can Be Happier and Less Anxious

    7 Ways to Deal with Uncertainty So You Can Be Happier and Less Anxious

    “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

    In three weeks, my boyfriend and I might move from the Bay area to LA, or we might move in here with roommates if he decides not pursue a film career.

    I am starting a new work-from-home writing gig to pay my bills while I write my book. It might be something I can do in under two days a week, or it may require more time. It may provide enough money, or I might need to get some other work to supplement.

    If we move, I might enjoy LA; I might not. I might balance everything well; I might feel overwhelmed. I might make new friends easily in my new area; it might take me a while to find like-minded people.

    My world is a towering stack of mights right now. Though I’m dealing with a lot more change than usual, the reality is that most days start and end with uncertainty.

    Even when you think you’ve curled into a cozy cocoon of predictability, anything could change in a heartbeat. (more…)