Tiny Buddha

Tag: Fear

  • Facing the Fear of Death and Really Living Now

    Facing the Fear of Death and Really Living Now

    “He who doesn’t fear death only dies once.” ~Giovanni Falcone

    “None of us get out of here alive…” My sweet friend spoke those words, a few months before she lost her battle with Stage IV Brain Cancer at the tender age of 33.

    She had a sense of humor, always, and even in the midst of her intense radiation treatments, was able to make light of a fact that is so obviously true—yet is so inherently avoided by Western culture.

    Standing by my friend during her battle with cancer was the very first time in my life that I experienced death up close and personal.

    I had lost my grandfather as a teenager, but as an adult, his was the closest I’d come to death. The loss of any life is heartbreaking, though it seems that there is a form of closure that naturally occurs when you know that someone has had lived a long and fulfilling life.

    When a young person dies it is tragic, this is the reality. We can slice and dice our ideas of the after life and paint whatever picture we choose, but the bottom line is, a life lost so young impacts many, and the grief stretches far.

    As I watched her life slowly fade over time, I began to find myself experiencing restless nights, often thinking about how lonesome it must have felt being in her position. Upon her death, reality only set in further, and shook me to my core.

    I started to ask myself: Why was this happening to her? Does death have to be a scary and lonely experience? Could I ever be fearless of death?

    I would repeat these in my head in various forms, and the more I would ponder, the more that fear would rear its ugly head. It would present itself in many ways, mostly scenarios that could possibly happen in my own life—losing a child or losing my husband, for example.

    These are scenarios that many of us live with on a daily basis, even without the trigger of the death of a loved one.

    I watched my thoughts unfold and I realized that I needed to put a stop to the madness. If you’re reading this blog, your level of self-awareness is likely high enough to be able to do the same—to recognize when something is spiraling out of your control. (more…)

  • A Simple Process to Turn Fear into Power

    A Simple Process to Turn Fear into Power

    “You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

    Have you ever stopped to think about your definition of fear?

    As my dear friend Mr. Webster states, fear is “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.”

    Simply put, I disagree with this definition of fear.

    My definition of fear goes something like this….

    “An opportunity for self discovery and self growth; a well of untapped personal power and strength; the gateway from wishing and wanting to doing and being.”

    Yes, fear can be a drag, and there are certain situations and life-threatening circumstances that stir up a whole slew of fear that I would never wish upon any one.

    But there’s another spectrum of fear that comes from within and the culprit is often our very own “monkey mind” and self-worth. Most likely, it’s this very fear that is holding you back from living the wildly successful, abundant, joy-filled life that you crave and oh-so deserve!

    I never really thought about fear before, but last year I decided to take the entrepreneurial plunge and it opened a whole new can of worms for me. This is when my relationship with my personal forms of fear took flight.

    I was fearful that I wasn’t smart enough to run my own business, my skills and knowledge weren’t as strong as my business partners’ skills, I didn’t have enough experience to prove to potential clients that I know what I’m talking about—and why would someone want to listen to what I have to say?

    The list of crazy thoughts and irrational fears that surfaced for me over this past year are endless. And guess what? I now realize that they are not true.

    As I typed that last sentence I had a smile of relief cross my face, because I now realize that my fears aren’t me, and they don’t control me anymore.

    The truth is, for most of us, fear is present on a regular basis, but the form that it chooses to present itself in is constantly changing. Maybe you experience anxiety, a deep nervousness, confusion, lack of motivation, uncertainty, or something unidentifiable deep within.

    Chances are, you’re experiencing fear on a magnitude of levels and in multiple forms all at once. (Fear is sneaky like that! It’s always showing up in disguise to try to trick you!) (more…)

  • Depending on Yourself in the Uncertain, In-Between Space

    Depending on Yourself in the Uncertain, In-Between Space

    “To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.” ~Unknown

    Life has been strange the past few days.

    All summer there was a trip or an event to count down to the final move—my brother’s wedding in Sedona, Captiva Island with my boyfriend’s family, Thailand with a girlfriend and, finally, a week in Atlanta.

    I have nine days left before the movers come, and I feel as though I’m existing in a space without anything to hold on to.

    My world here in Florida will soon be a memory, and I have no way of knowing what my life in North Carolina will look like. I fantasize about it, but it’s all conjecture.

    The summer getaways provided a distraction for me, obscuring the view of the unknown that was swiftly approaching. My former relationship acted as a life preserver that I knew would be with me no matter where I floated. Now, both have dissolved into the past.

    Very few people in this world feel an obligation or a desire to plan their lives around you.

    Although I have been gifted with amazing and loyal girlfriends, they have their own lives. It’s my parents and significant others that I have counted on for the heavy labor, when the help I need is neither sexy or fun.

    Although my ex-boyfriend would help me move with kindness in his heart, I don’t want to depend on him for this. It seems like I would be carrying on the illusion that I still have the security of our partnership. And what about my parents? Isn’t that always a loaded question…

    At 29, I am confused about my parents’ role in my life.

    While they offer to do whatever is in their power to make difficult times easier for me, their assistance comes with some strings attached. As I move toward making decisions in my life with less input from them, I am also electing to forgo their help in many ways.

    People with long-time partners or even those who still have a cozy and safe place with their parents can say, “What’ the big deal? You’re a grown woman; you can move by yourself.” (more…)

  • Tiny Steps to Overcome the Fear of Judgment

    Tiny Steps to Overcome the Fear of Judgment

    “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” ~Ambrose Redmoon

    A couple weeks back, I had my first singing lesson in over 15 years. I’ve been hoping to get back into musical theater, so this seemed like a perfect compliment to the acting classes I planned to start soon (which I began this past weekend).

    Unlike in in my childhood voice lessons, the instructor did not play piano, opting instead to use instrumental music from an iPad.

    This meant he looked right at me while I sang On My Own from Les Miserables—a vastly different experience than singing in the shower, or at a karaoke bar after a couple of drinks—and he even took notes, since his hands were free.

    I felt like my vocal cords were gripped in a vice. The experience of singing, while sitting alone, with someone I just met staring at me, made me feel far more vulnerable than I ever feel when I press publish here.

    It felt even more intimidating because I knew he was an accomplished singer. He was better than me.

    He was watching, focusing, assessing—and that felt terrifying.

    Then I asked myself, “Why is this terrifying?”

    He may have been watching, but that is, in fact, what happens when you perform. He may have been focusing, but would I really have preferred my teacher to be distracted? And he may have been assessing, but that didn’t mean he was judging.

    He was taking notes so he could help me, not tear me down. It simply wasn’t his intention.

    And he wasn’t conveying a sense of superiority. In fact, when we exchanged emails before the lesson, he made a point to compliment me on this site. We each had different strengths—and he was willing to share his to help me hone mine.

    This was an eye-opening experience for me, because in that moment, that song was everything I tell myself not to do or say in fear of how it may be received. And he was everyone I worry about impressing in fear they won’t accept me.

    He was the potential friend who I sometimes worry may not recognize my worth.

    He was the potential employer who I sometimes fear may not recognize my ability.

    And he was everyone I may fail to fully see while stressing about how they’re seeing me. (more…)

  • Why We Need Mistakes and Failures

    Why We Need Mistakes and Failures

    “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard 

    A while back, I was invited to attend the Asian Chamber of Commerce’s 22nd Annual Awards Gala. Focused on “The Spirit of Entrepreneurship,” the Asian Chamber of Commerce celebrated individuals who exemplified great leadership skills in the Houston community.

    The keynote speaker, Dr. Lynda Chin, surprised me by talking about failure. A scientist, Dr. Chin is the first to admit medical mistakes. She talked about cancer-related pharmaceuticals having a 95% failure rate, because the medication needs to be tailor-made to the individual.

    I had never heard someone in a high-ranking position admit to failure so freely. But as she put it,  “There is no success without failure. There are no experiments that succeed before first failing.”

    So in essence, failure is the stepping-stone toward success.

    Another person who inspired me that night was Keiji Asakura, an urban design and landscape architect. A botanist, without the degree, he was a lover of plant life. Asakura was another model of someone who was able to take his mistakes and use them as the fundamental building blocks of his successes.

    One day nearly 10 years ago, his company filed for bankruptcy, and on the same day his wife asked him for a divorce. Life couldn’t have been any worse. In the depths of despair he asked himself, “Why do I do what I do?” The answer: because I love it.

    Because he loved it. Hearing those words from someone not in entertainment reminded me of why I do what I do. Because I love it. Without that love there would be no point in enduring this much anxiety in anticipation of something greater.

    People tell me all the time that they admire me for going after what I really want. But people only see what they want to; they forget that behind every truly large success, there are a million failures. For every good sentence that I write, there are thousands more that need to be rewritten.

    So far, in my adult career, where I’m at now is my lowest point. There is nothing on the horizon that promises that the work I’m doing now will pay off. My life is a gamble.

    My dad actually—I say “actually” because he only inadvertently supported my career choice—said, “In every business there is a risk, but without risk there is no potential to prosper. You simply have to take it.” (more…)

  • How Worrying Makes Life Less Joyful

    How Worrying Makes Life Less Joyful

    “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy.” ~Leo Bucaglia

    As I stood on the street corner, tears streaming down my face, I called friends for confirmation that what I had just been told wasn’t true.

    My meeting with my “friend” had gone horribly wrong. And when I say gone wrong, that’s because she was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

    But what if she wasn’t wrong?

    What if her words, which stung so badly that I couldn’t stop myself from crying publicly, were true?

    Two weeks prior to this fateful day, three families had gotten together for what was supposed to be a wonderful reunion of friends and a celebration of the beginning of summer.

    One family lives on a beautiful property with a huge man-made pond. Spending time at their house is just the way you would envision the perfect childhood summer.

    With acres of green grass and a beautiful blue sky as a backdrop, you hold onto a rope, swing off a landing, fly through the air, and plunge into the pond. The sound of birds chirping tickles your ears, and the smell of fresh air fill your lungs.

    Ah, the idyllic beginning to a wonderful summer.

    Since we would be outside, it seemed the perfect place to bring our dog, Sunshine. Sunshine is part Australian Shepard, which means she has spent many an afternoon desperately trying to herd my kids together.

    As the afternoon progressed, the kids ran around. Sunshine barked and barked and barked some more. My son was so anxious that she would run off.

    Several times at home, Sunshine had escaped through the front door. Although we always caught her, the moments watching her chasing squirrels, oblivious to our offers of treats, were a little nerve-wracking for me and my son! (more…)

  • When You Fear Making the “Wrong” Decision

    When You Fear Making the “Wrong” Decision

    “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

    For the past three weeks, I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to move to Korea for a year. Some days I’ve completely made up my mind to take the trip. I get excited about teaching myself Korean and spend hours and hours online learning about the culture.

    Other days, I’m an emotional wreck, terrified that I’m making the wrong decision.

    What if I get homesick? What if I’m supposed to be doing something else? What if I don’t like kimchi? What if? What if? What if?

    And then there are those days where my mind resists all attempts to make any kind of decision at all. I’m immobilized, unable to push through the debilitating fear.

    Being the self-reflective (over-analyzer) type that I am, I decided to dig deep within myself to find the root of this pesky little emotion that has been sabotaging my efforts to move forward, or in any direction, for that matter.

    I realized that the issue isn’t about being afraid to go to Korea. The real issue is that I have an overall fear of making the “wrong” decisions in my life.

    Interestingly enough, I also realized that this brand of fear directly coincides with my decision to live a more purposeful and spiritually centered life.

    (Record stops.)

    Huh? I embarked upon this journey hoping to find inner peace, bliss, rainbows, and unicorns, and I actually seem to be experiencing more negative emotions than before. Seems counter-intuitive, right?

    Not exactly. (more…)

  • Stay Safe or Risk Opening Your Heart?

    Stay Safe or Risk Opening Your Heart?

    “When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it’s bottomless.” ~Pema Chodron

    As a child I learned boundaries. I learned what I wasn’t allowed to talk about outside of the family. I learned how far I could go with my parents before I faced their disapproval. I also learned that this boundary was unpredictable.

    Because it was unpredictable, I honed the ability to sense when it seemed safe to do something, and when I couldn’t, based on the emotions of those around me. It kept me safe for the most part. And, I learned to always be on guard around certain people.

    As a result of some of these experiences, I was reluctant to let people into my inner world for fear that I would get hurt.

    I used this ability to read others throughout my life, especially in my career. I could walk into a room and read the mood of the group or individual to ensure that I understood how far I could go.

    For a few people in my life, these boundaries were appropriate. But I used them almost all the time.

    Setting these boundaries also cost me.

    It cost me because I didn’t trust others.

    It cost me because I learned not to expect things from others or I would end up disappointed.

    It cost me because I thought I needed to only rely on and trust myself.

    What I saw in other people was really a reflection of my own lack of trust in myself.

    All the time that I held firm boundaries, I thought they were about respecting myself. But they were really about fear.

    I was afraid of letting others in. I was afraid of letting myself in. And, I discovered that I was main person who didn’t treat myself with respect. This was a difficult lesson.

    It is a lesson I am still learning.

    On the one hand, the skills that I honed in childhood served me well. They kept me safe. They kept me in what little control I had over my life. I couldn’t control much, but I could control what I let others see about me. I could control whether or not I let people in. (more…)

  • Life is Happening FOR Us: All Things Are Gifts

    Life is Happening FOR Us: All Things Are Gifts

    “Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

    Up to a certain point in my life, I was always seeking approval and validation from everything outside of me. All I ever wanted was to feel loved. I longed for this feeling and wondered how the world could be so cruel as to reject me when I was so loving and available.

    I have since learned that I was not as available as I thought.

    It has been my experience that everyone that crosses our path is a mirror. They have come because we have called them into our lives to show us something—to teach us how to be more of who we truly are.

    Our higher selves crave these experiences and relationships, because ultimately, this journey we call life is all about finding everything we want within us rather than without. It’s about waking up.

    I have learned this over many years of things not turning out the way I wanted them to, feeling as though I was a victim and life was just not fair. I felt this way until I finally got it—I finally understood that life is happening for us. Yes, for us. (more…)

  • Hope is the Antidote for Fear

    Hope is the Antidote for Fear

    “Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.” ~Neale Donald Walsch

    In a moment of despair—moments I find have been increasing this year—I turned to this site for a little comfort. After reading a couple articles, seeing that I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling, I still couldn’t help but remain terrified of the next part of my life.

    Job searches were wearing me out. I was trying to figure out where I wanted to live. I desperately wanted that dream job. All of these things had instilled a fear inside of me that I once thought I’d be able to overcome.

    And then a year passed and poof, magically, there was no more sense of confidence, but instead a sense of fear.

    Then I saw this quote. And I wished that I’d come up with it.

    It says a lot, I think, about the way certain words work in our brains without us even realizing it.

    “False Evidence Appearing Real.”

     We all know that being afraid of the future is just as silly as being afraid of our own shadows, and yet we fear it all the same.

    Why?

    The answer is within the quote; it’s a false sense of reality.

    We imagine what we don’t want to lose and instantly grow afraid of that loss. But we’re being bamboozled; we’re duping ourselves out of a secure sense of “now” and replacing it with an insecure sense of “what if.”

    The only reality that exists is in each passing second, and yet with each passing second comes the agony of not knowing what will come next. It’s a struggle, and nothing more than that.

    So what can we do to heal this repeating, self-inflicted wound? (more…)

  • Small Steps to Help You Act in Spite of Your Fear

    Small Steps to Help You Act in Spite of Your Fear

    “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~Nelson Mandela

    My dog, Elvis, is a sweetheart and a scaredy cat. When our vet found him, he was roaming free with a wire collar embedded in his neck and a raging case of mange. It took her thirty minutes to chase him down and three months to nurse him back to health.

    When we first adopted him, he was afraid of everything: bikes, strollers, loud noises, sprinklers, and people. The only things he was never wary of were other dogs. Through a lot of patience and love, Elvis has come a long way. He is no longer afraid of people or bikes, but he still hates sprinklers and he’s always on guard.

    This past spring I took Elvis on a walk at a local state park. It was a beautiful day, sunny, high 70’s with a light breeze. We had a great time traipsing through the woods. When we came around the corner at the bottom of a hill, the river sat gleaming in the sun before us. Elvis stopped, sat, and refused to get any closer.

    I knew he needed to get his bearings, so I paused and let him absorb what lay before him. I spoke gently to him and tried to persuade him to keep going.

    He dug his paws in and started to maneuver his shoulders into this Houdini twist that allows him to slip out of his harness. I stopped and we turned around. Because of his fear, Elvis never got to see or smell all the wonderful sights and aromas awaiting him at the river’s edge.

    People are like that too. We traipse happily along in our routines, always doing and experiencing the familiar.

    As soon as we have an opportunity to expand our horizons, to see a new place, meet a new person, or accept a new job, our fear kicks in and we stop. We hold back; it’s too scary. 

    We don’t know what lies before us. All we know is it looks big and scary, and we fear all the unknowns. If we could just take that leap, act on faith, and move forward despite our fear we would learn (just as Elvis would have) that while it is new terrain, it is still dirt and grass. (more…)

  • 5 Steps to Deal with Self-Doubt and Trust Your Self Again

    5 Steps to Deal with Self-Doubt and Trust Your Self Again

    “When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.” ~Honore de Balzac

    A while back I began to feel out of sorts with my writing. It happened after coming down from the high of creating almost nonstop with my inner muse. I noticed that I began to feel down, like the feeling one gets after being at the amusement park when the excitement is over.

    Creating and finishing my projects had been a wild ride. It was exciting and intense at times. But once done, an insidious feeling began to over take me.

    My thoughts began to wander to “the dark side” questioning my abilities.

    What if I can’t create something new? What if people don’t like what I have done?

    Like after any expenditure of energy, there is always a lull. Lulls have been known to drain ones creative energy if you let them. I know from experience that if I let myself I can easily slip into a creative stupor.

    When in that lull or in that space between creativity, it may seem like nothing is happening. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. We need that break.   

    When in this state I feel sensitive and quick to take things personally. I could just do nothing and give in to the disappointment when things have not gone as I have expected. Alternatively, I could use this as motivation, a starting point for another creative endeavor.

    But self-doubt has a way of getting under your skin. For me I begin to feel an uprising of the “you’re not good enough” gremlins inside me when this happens.

    I remember when this happened after something I submitted online was not accepted.  It felt like a rejection. “Forget it then!” belted out a voice inside with the force of a 2 year-old having a tantrum when she doesn’t get her way.  (more…)

  • The Fable of Fear and 3 Simple Steps to Conquer It

    The Fable of Fear and 3 Simple Steps to Conquer It

    “Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.” ~Unknown

    Once upon a time, there was a young woman who carried Fear as her constant companion.

    It wasn’t fear of wild animals, impending danger, or the shadows that lurk in the night. In fact, her friend Fear had become disassociated with any real thing. It had become an entity all its own that could morph and wind its way into any circumstance the woman happened to be in.

    The woman wasn’t born this way.

    When she was small, Fear had served her well and taught her how to stay out of harm’s way. But as the girl grew and experienced the world around her (which could sometimes be harsh and painful), Fear found a foothold for power.

    Fear taught the girl that Harsh and Painful were always just around the corner, even when they weren’t, and showed her how to avoid life so that she wouldn’t meet them. When she did meet Harsh and Painful, Fear said, “I told you so. You better stick with me.”

    Fear’s Sneaky Plot

    Sometimes her erstwhile friend Fear thought it was fun to poke around in the young woman’s mind, searching for weak spots so that it could manufacture something that felt as real as an oncoming train or a lurking monster.

    Fear was sneaky like that. It liked to torment and create havoc in the woman’s heart and mind. It whispered stories in her ear that weren’t true or only had a grain of truth. Fear liked to embellish. Fear liked to stir the pot.

    The woman knew that she’d allowed Fear to become her master. But she kept feeding it by worrying, over-thinking, pontificating, ruminating, and believing without question. As Fear munched away growing fatter and stronger, the young woman began to shrink. (more…)

  • The Fortune in Fear

    The Fortune in Fear

    “He is able who thinks he is able.” ~Buddha

    I remember hearing this idea somewhere that courage was not the absence of fear, but rather, the ability to do something in the presence of it.

    I am scared of being on a boat. I always was. When I was 18, I dated a guy who had a boat, and I decided to brave my fear and get on it for a three day voyage across the Mediterranean. I know, I could have started by peddling in a canoe in a pond, but no—three days, no sight of land.

    There was a guy on the boat who was all tough and cool, and he kept saying, “Come on get over it.”

    He missed the point. I got over it. I was on the boat; that was about as much as I could do. Scared of it, and yet doing it.

    I asked the cool, tough guy what he was afraid of, and he said horses. I happened to have a horse and to not be scared of them an ounce. I invited him to join me after the boat debacle. He said never. Aha! I was on the boat, and he would not come to ride a horse. Get my drift?

    Well, I am scared of public speaking, and there I was last month doing a TEDx Talk. The fear was so strong some nights that I literally stayed up till dawn. But I did it. I loved it actually.

    Maybe there is a direct link between how hard I imagined it would be and how joyful it felt to complete it.

    As long as we don’t let it stop us, fear is a friend, believe it or not. It ignites more power inside of us, so we can jump higher. It is the fear, the managed fear that fuels our engines.

    I am still scared of boats and speaking in public, and I am still going to do both. I have never spoken to anyone who said they were afraid of doing something and regretted doing it after they overcame their fear.

    We feel good when we overcome our fears. We know we are bigger than them.

    We know that we are meant to transcend them.

    That is why we love watching athletes push beyond the average boundaries. We instinctively know what they had to overcome to get to where we see them. And to witness someone overcome their fear is a sure way to ignite our engines!

    Photo by mdpai75

  • Embrace Fear and Find Your Center: Riding With No Hands

    Embrace Fear and Find Your Center: Riding With No Hands

    “Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

    My mom leaned in and gave me a goodnight kiss. The only light illuminating her face was coming from the hallway. I looked up at her, and in the confidence of the dark confessed, “I saw it.”

    “It” was my birthday present, waiting patiently for me to wake up in the morning and claim it from its place in the garage. “It” was a turquoise blue Stingray bicycle with a white pleather banana seat and an extra tall sissy bar.

    I’d seen it by chance, tucked back in a dark corner, and knew instantly it was for me.

    I couldn’t stop myself from ruining my mom’s surprise. I just couldn’t contain my joy. That bike was the answer to my 10 year-old dreams.

    And I wasn’t disappointed.

    My new bike was the coolest mode of freedom I could imagine. It took me to the local pharmacy for candy and back to the school playground to meet up with my friends. Like an addict, I lusted for the feeling I got from riding past the Skerkoske’s house, Marcia Brady hair blowing in the breeze, singing “I Think I Love You” at the top of my lungs.

    Riding something so beautiful gave me all kinds of cocky confidence. I was fearless. Within days, I was pedaling through the neighborhood, arms waving madly in the air, shouting “Look at me world!  I’m riding with no hands!”

    I let go without ever calculating the risks involved.

    Fear crept up on me gently, a part of the ever expanding feeling of responsibility that came along with growing up.  

    Or maybe I’d heard “Hold on to that bike young lady! Do you want to end up in the hospital?!” one too many times. Whatever the cause, the magic of my turquoise blue Stingray was no longer enough to make me feel invincible.

    I grew afraid of falling off.  (more…)

  • Tiny Buddha Book Giveaway and Top 10 Insights of 2011

    Tiny Buddha Book Giveaway and Top 10 Insights of 2011

    Tiny Buddha Chilling on a Cairn

    Important Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen! You can purchase Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions on Amazon.com. Also, be sure to subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails!

    The winners:

    Happy almost 2012!

    It’s been an exciting year for Tiny Buddha. For one thing, the community has grown, but what I find most exciting is that the number of people sharing their stories and engaging with other people has increased exponentially.

    During the first year, I published two posts from the community per week. In January of 2011, submissions slowed down, and I wondered if perhaps I’d need to take a new direction with the blog.

    In February, however, that all changed, and posts started coming in so frequently that I was able to publish one per day, and oftentimes had to ask people to hold off on submitting so that I could catch up.

    That has remained steady all year, and I’m excited to see that countless insightful, helpful, loving conversations have unfolded in the comments, some which included me and others that did not.

    Tiny Buddha is what it is because people are willing to be honest about their experiences, and in doing so help others and let them know they are not alone. If you haven’t already, I hope you’ll contribute a post in 2012!

    I have learned so much from everyone who has shared themselves here. So here are the top 10 insights of 2011 (based on page views and comments): (more…)

  • You Are Good Enough and You Deserve the Best

    You Are Good Enough and You Deserve the Best

    “What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer

    We sometimes make excuses as to why we don’t deserve the best.

    We say that our relationship with our partner is good enough and that other people have much worse relationships. We don’t reach for our dreams because doing so would make us feel too selfish.

    Isn’t it time you stopped letting fear run your life? That you stopped making excuses for why things aren’t better in your life?

    Fear is an ugly word. It keeps us from true happiness because it prevents us from taking risks. We avoid anything slightly painful, even though staying in the current situation hurts more.

    When I was younger I was afraid of being myself. I constantly wanted to conform to others in order to be liked and appreciated.

     I just wanted to be liked for myself, but I wasn’t letting people see that person.

    I’ve learned that if you show the real you, not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. The people who are worth your time will appreciate you for who you are. And you will have deeper, more meaningful relationships as a result.

    I was afraid to think for myself, was not confident in my decisions, and let others decide what I should be doing according to their beliefs. I felt like a toy boat being tossed about in the ocean, and it was exhausting.

    In high school we aren’t taught what healthy relationships look like and what is and isn’t acceptable.  We make excuses for other people’s behavior, even though it is hurtful to us. We hope that they will change and think that perhaps we can mold them into better people. (more…)

  • 6 Crucial Lessons to Help You Live Fearless and Free

    6 Crucial Lessons to Help You Live Fearless and Free

    “Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.” ~Marianne Williamson

    I got my masters in Clinical Social Work and became a therapist in 1997.

    A year later, I got my PHD in Fear.

    After a decade as a talent agent predominantly for super models, I was burned out. I realized it was time for a career change when I cared more about getting models into rehab, therapy, and eating disorder clinics than a lucrative Pantene contract.

    When I landed in the modeling-agent world, I was convinced I would change an exploitive system. I did not, but the system definitely changed me.

    I was desperate to get off the crazy nicotine, caffeine, adrenalin-fueled hamster wheel that had become my life, but did not know how. Apparently, though, the universe had just the plan.

    In 1996, I applied to New York University’s Clinical Social Work Masters Program, never imagining I would be accepted. Much to my amazement I was accepted and spent the next two years remotely running the television department for Elite Modeling agency, getting my degree, and teaching acting as an adjunct professor at NYU/Tisch School of the Arts.

    Immediately following graduation, the single most important life-changing event happened. I fell in love with my now amazing husband, Victor Juhasz. Vic was a widower with three angry, out-of-control teenage boys. As if being the divorced/widowed father of three sons wasn’t enough, he also lived in New Jersey.

    I didn’t care. It was perfect. He was perfect. Intoxicated with love hormones, I thought this talented, successful, gorgeous man could have 22 teenagers, and I would still say, “It’s all good. Love will find a way!” Believe it or not, this was the calm before the storm.

    Four months into our relationship, my father, 61 years old and in prime health, dropped dead of a heart attack.

    Three months after my father’s death, I discovered a plum-size lump at the base of my throat, which was diagnosed as a large, malignant thyroid tumor. My heart ached as I underwent surgery and radiation while building a relationship with the three boys, whose own beautiful mother died of cervical cancer when they were 5, 3, and 1.

    A mere five months later, based solely on my intuition, a more aggressive cancer was discovered on the other side of my thyroid. More surgery, radiation, and isolation followed.

    On a quiet evening, two months after the second cancer diagnosis, I leisurely walked onto the back porch to find a huge stocking-faced man holding a .22 to the back of my husband’s head. We were robbed at gunpoint with our youngest son in the house.

    My PHD in FEAR was officially complete. For the first time in my life I was afraid—all the time.

    The therapist in me knew it was a trauma response; the human in me was still incensed. I made the distinct decision to become a fear expert knowing that I, nor anyone else for that matter, could really live life if fear continued to dominate my mind and my decisions.

    I worked though my own fear with the help of my therapist and spent the next 14 years in my busy private therapy practice in New York City researching the effects of fear and the mind-body connection.

    I turned my pain into purpose and taught thousands of clients and students to transform their own fear into freedom.

    Here are a few truths I have learned about transforming fear. (more…)

  • Becoming Ourselves: How Powerful Decisions Shape Who We Are

    Becoming Ourselves: How Powerful Decisions Shape Who We Are

    “Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is.” ~H. Jackson Browne

    I decided to have a homebirth late in my first pregnancy, well into the third trimester. All through the first six months I flip-flopped back and forth, first buying into the message that hospitals were safe for births and homes were not, and then feeling profoundly certain that the best environment in which to have my baby was at home.

    The truth is, before I was pregnant I hadn’t thought much about birth. I started my birthing journey wanting to be in charge of how things went, to stay clear of drugs and medical interventions, and to walk away from the experience changed in a positive way. I figured the place in which this happened was secondary, so a hospital might be just fine.

    But many of my friends came home from their hospital births just the opposite; they were traumatized by how the experience was wrenched away from them, and took years building back their confidence and pride around birthing their babies. It was clear to me that I didn’t want a scenario like that.

    Along with deciding what I didn’t want, I needed clarity about what I did want, and why I wanted it. I turned my questions inward, closing my ears to the cacophony of indecision, and worked the questions until finally an answer appeared.

    I began to see this first birth as a way to step more fully into my power as a woman, and I was hungry for that. I wanted to reconnect to primal wisdom, and to tap into strength I suspected lay beneath the surface but hadn’t ever experienced.

    I wanted a birth that was empowering, transformative, and authentically mine. I chose homebirth. I said yes while still not knowing with certainty what it might lie ahead for me; my decision required both clarity and a leap of faith.

    Once I made the decision, I felt different in my skin. In standing up for what I now knew I wanted at a very deep level, I walked a bit more upright and spoke with more conviction. Having my baby at home turned out to be the most powerful choice of my life. (more…)

  • 11 Ways to Turn Strangers into Friends

    11 Ways to Turn Strangers into Friends

    “Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends.” ~Shirley Maclaine

    Up until a year ago, I saw the world as a place where very few doors opened for me. At first I thought it was due to being extremely introverted. But as time went on, I started to struggle with making friends.

    I didn’t have many of them—and opportunities only knocked a few times a year. That’s when I realized my problems stemmed from my passivity and fear of actually going out and talking to people.

    My few closest friends always told me to join a club or go to parties. People always told me where to meet people. But they never really showed me how to actually create conversation.

    On top of that, I never really liked going to big social gatherings. I’m introverted and tend to be overwhelmed when a lot of people are around. I like talking one-on-one.

    So I decided to do things my own way. I started talking to strangers on my college campus and in the city because I was tired of staying on the sidelines.

    It was scary for a naturally timid person like me, but I decided to fight the fear.

    Great things come to those who are willing to risk rejection and put themselves out there.

    After two months of doing this, I made some great friends, simply by starting conversations.

    It’s an empowering mindset to be able to create conversation with potentially anyone. There is always the choice to talk to whom I want to talk to.

    I asked people what drink they bought from the coffee shop. I asked someone about her customized bike. I asked people to share opinions on things that affected me.

    Some people opened up to me. Some people stayed shut down. Some of them continued talking about themselves when I put the spotlight on them. Others simply answered my question and left the conversation there.

    All of these interactions allowed me to understand how to engage with people. For example, I learned that tone and body language are more important than saying the right thing.

    Through my experiences, I learned that people are usually friendly and happy to talk to you.

    I’ve been able to meet more people than I ever expected just by opening up to them.

    That’s when I learned that it was up to me to be proactive and create my own doors instead of complaining that none were opening for me. It was up to me to create my own opportunities by connecting with people.

    Besides feeling more connected, I feel happier knowing that I have the power to talk to whomever I want to. More opportunities arrived by networking with others. For example, I was able to pursue photography with a new friend simply because I reached out and asked. (more…)