Tag: Fear

Who Are You Trying to Prove Yourself To?

“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” ~Mary Engelbreit

Some might say that their past haunts them like old ghosts. As for me, my ghost is my childhood.

I was raised in a moderately traditional family, as opposed to some overly traditional Chinese families where everyone lived by a thick rulebook.

Luckily, my family was a little more lenient, which I consider a true blessing. However, I felt as though my parents held me captive inside a glass box. Whenever I thought about being chained down from what I needed, I felt a part of me die.

I now realize that they never held the key to my escape. The horrifying truth came to light when an old, bitter anger rose up from within me a few days ago: I was my own captive.

Like I said, my ghost is my childhood. No matter how I’d trace and redraw the lines, I’d end up with the same result.

I was no angel as a child; in fact, I was far from it. I was a bad student, which was a big deal in my family, and my parents reacted just like any other parents would when they learned that their oldest child was being disrespectful.

So it was no surprise when they decided that I was going to have a hard time in life, and that I was going to end up in a community college while my baby brother would head off to a big shot university and then make the big bucks. (more…)

January 14, 2013
8 Tips to Move Beyond Envy and Start Thriving

“Envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness.” ~Bertrand Russell

Everyone feels it. Envy is universal. I can trace my first feelings of envy to my childhood. I grew up with six sisters, each one taller and thinner than I was. On top of that, they all had pretty, long, thick hair. Mine was thin, fine, and unruly. I wore a bra as early as fifth grade. They didn’t need one until high school.

I had a bad case of sister envy. Once, when I was mad at my oldest sister, I actually imagined taking scissors to her long, lovely locks in the middle of the night. Of course, I never did, but I wanted to!

Today, we are good friends. We have each other’s back.

Envy is a resentful emotion. I measured my beauty against the beauty of my sisters. I felt inferior and made them superior. I felt ugly on the inside and blamed it on the outside. I was too young to understand.

I now know that envy centers on feelings of not enough, resentment, doubt, scarcity, and longing. With my sisters, I can’t say that I didn’t feel animosity toward them. However, the anguish I felt within was much worse.

Today’s Envy

Today, my envy lies in comparing myself to other writers or bloggers who have bestsellers, more readers, and more sales than I have. Never mind what they did to get there. My ego wants me to believe they have had an unfair advantage.

Seth Godin, bestselling author, calls the Internet the envy amplifier. (more…)

January 14, 2013
Are You Betting On Yourself Or Against Yourself?

“The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.” ~Paulo Coelho

I stood there in the parking lot of my apartment complex, with the hot Phoenix sun beating down on me, as I watched him drive away for what I thought would be the last time.

With tears rolling down my cheeks, I went inside my apartment after his car had turned the corner and was out of sight.

When the door closed behind me with that familiar thud, I could almost feel the loneliness swallow me up.

We met nine months earlier and quickly fell in love. But his time in Arizona had come to an end when he graduated from ASU. With no jobs in sight in Phoenix, he was hitting the highway and driving back to his hometown of Seattle to use his contacts to find work.

I wanted to go with him, but I was afraid of leaving all that was comfortable and familiar to me.

When he drove away, with his car filled to the brim with all his belongings, I imagined my life without him. I knew I my life would carry on, as I would wake up every morning, go to work, come home, and hang out with friends and family on the weekends. Perhaps even months down the road, I would probably start dating again.

Life would inevitably continue—but without him. The thought of being in love with someone who I’d never see again was a hard thing to swallow.

Step Right Up and Place Your Bets

Every day, moment by moment, we make choices. Some of those choices seem inconsequential. Most of us only feel the burden of choice when we are faced with one of those “big life decisions.”

Taking a new job, moving to a new city, starting a business, or having a child, just to name a few. (more…)

January 10, 2013
3 Ways to Transform Anxiety into Positive Energy

“Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” ~Proverb

A few months ago, I moved from the metropolitan east coast to rural Indiana and bunked up with my grandparents to help them sell their house.

The house has finally sold, and now I am faced with options for where to go next. In other words, my future is completely uncertain at this point, and I’m experiencing quite a bit of anxiety over it.

On the real, I’m silently, and at times not so silently, freaking out.

Anxiety is so annoying in that it can be completely paralyzing. It is for me right now.

My anxiety has taken over my productivity and has almost completely shut down my creativity. Also, my sleep is suffering, which impacts my skin, eating habits, and energy. It’s a yucky downward spiral, my friends.

The major bummer is that my anxiety doesn’t solve any of the things I’m worried about, and the blocked energy flow this negative emotion generates only creates more problems. What is a distressed girl to do?

Today I dragged my anxiety with me to my meditation pillow, and had a piece of paper where I quickly jotted down all of my greatest fears surrounding this move that’s upon me in just a few short weeks. I sat for a moment and wrote down anything that surfaced.

What came up was that I am fretting that I won’t have enough money to support my upcoming move, I’m wondering what would happen if my car breaks down, and I’m worrying that I might not be happy in my next environment (and so forth). All valid fears, I would say.

But then I realized that I really needed to dissect those fears further. (more…)

January 8, 2013
Realizing Your Dream: Stop Dwelling on “What Ifs”

“Excellence can be obtained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.” ~Unknown

I think I always had an idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I sort of tweaked it along the way. I knew I wanted to work in the field of science, but like most kids, I wasn’t exactly sure where I fit in.

When I was 10 years old, I wanted to be an astronaut. At the age of 14, I wanted to do absolutely anything for the United States Air Force (pilot, scientist, etc.). By the time I was 18 years old, I wanted to be a microbiologist.

When I finally did grow up, I found myself working in bars by night and a dead-end office job by day; this lasted for most of my 20s. Who was I to complain? I was making decent money, but I felt awfully unfulfilled.

I knew that I had what it takes to actually be a scientist, but I was not sure exactly how to get there. And for a moment, I thought it was too late.

My childhood family was not comprised of college-bound folks; there were both hard workers and slackers alike, but school was not considered to be important.

I was never pushed academically, and there were rarely any consequences for receiving bad grades. Also, like many families in the United States, mine was extremely dysfunctional.

I was actually quite an intelligent child. I comprehended the concepts that the instructors were teaching; I just did not care to pay attention. And why would I?

No one in my home valued education. Despite being able to understand science with my eyes shut, I struggled with mathematics because it’s hard to learn the subject when one is being rebellious. (more…)

January 3, 2013
Pushing Outside Our Comfort Zone: 3 Empowering Lessons

“Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson

I recently returned from four weeks of traveling by myself in Europe. No, I’m not bragging, although it was pretty awesome.

What made it amazing, besides the lovely scenery, tasty food, cultural experiences, and wine, was that I had a few great opportunities to re-visit some lessons that I think many of us could resonate with.

1. It is awesome to make decisions based on what supports our goals, not our fearful feelings.

Let me explain: My main goal in traveling alone was, well, to get comfortable traveling alone!

At the start of my trip I stayed with a great friend in Germany, and the plan was to catch up with her for three days before going on to Berlin (and the rest of my trip) on my own. The day before I was to leave her, I received an email from the person I was renting the Berlin room from. They informed me they had a family emergency and the room would not be available.

At first, I wanted to take it as a sign that I shouldn’t go on to Berlin. Every part of me that was unhappy about traveling alone screamed, “Stay here, it’s easy and comfortable, don’t go…”

I spent about five minutes wondering if it was a sign not to travel on, and then I got over it. I got online and very quickly found a great Berlin apartment to rent for the amount I had been prepared to spend on only a room. Sweet!

If we look back over our lives, many of us would recognize that there are all sorts of things we would not have done if we’d listened to our feelings.

How about not applying to our dream school because we didn’t feel smart enough? Or not asking out that hot guy or gal due to fear of rejection? Or, oh man, not singing karaoke because we don’t want to be laughed at (which is actually what’s supposed to happen when we sing karaoke)?

We would have missed out on some pretty fun and fabulous experiences if we hadn’t sometimes put our feelings aside and taken a bit of a leap. (more…)

January 3, 2013
Book Giveaway and Author Interview: 52-Week Life Passion Project
Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

The Winners:
- Pat
- ChoosingMyPath
- neildsachs
- eM
- Skye Cortes
It’s not easy to do something you’re passionate about for work—and not only because it’s hard to discover your passion or find a job to leverage it.

Once we know what we love to do, we then need to work through all kinds of limiting thoughts, beliefs, and fears that may prevent us from taking action. Then we need to decide what that action should be—how and where to start, and how to stay motivated.

It’s with this in mind that coach and blogger Barrie Davenport wrote the 52-Week Life Passion Project, an insightful, comprehensive guide to identifying what you really want to do and building your life around it.

I’m excited to share an interview with Barrie, and grateful that she offered to give away 5 books for Tiny Buddha readers!

The Giveaway

To enter to win one of five free copies of 52-Week Life Passion Project:
- Leave a comment on this post sharing something you’re passionate about. (If there’s nothing you’re passionate about yet, then just leave a comment saying hello!)
- For an extra entry, tweet: RT @tinybuddha Book Giveaway: The 52-Week Life Passion Project: Comment and RT to win! http://bit.ly/W8WUUz
You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, January 7^th.

The Interview

1. What inspired you to write the 52-Week Life Passion Project? (more…)
January 3, 2013
Overcoming Anxiety: Moving from Fear to Presence

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~Nelson Mandela

When I was a trainee teacher at a Cambridge University, I attended one of the oldest, most sought-after colleges, where most of the other graduate students were astrophysicists and economists, and 90% male.

They also seemed to come from families that were in some way related to the Queen of England, whereas I was a young, pregnant, trainee high school teacher whose nearest connection to Queens was owning a Freddie Mercury single, and I was a little shy.

Formal college dinners were a regular occurrence, and you were expected make small talk as you sipped your cream sherry in the medieval banquet hall in your black robes before dinner.

When I tried to talk honestly about what I was studying or what I was interested in, it tended to lead to embarrassed mumblings and a quick escape.

So one day, when someone asked me what I did, I said I was a lion tamer.

Their eyes lit up. “Really?” they asked, intrigued. “Oh yes!” I replied, “Each day I have to have nerves of steel as I enter a room of caged brutes and try to get them to perform tricks!”

I am no longer a teacher. But I am still a lion tamer.

In fact, it was the lions that stopped me teaching, the same lions who were hiding under the table at those grand banquets, when I couldn’t think of anything to say.

Yes, you heard me right, I live in close proximity to a caged lion. Wild, unpredictable, untamable, he longs to roam the plains. But instead, it’s just him and me, locked in my head together. His name? Anxiety!

I have learned what makes him roar, what feeds him. He smells blood and out he comes, lured by deadlines, taxes, financial issues, illness, death, or medical professionals. So far, so normal.

But he’s a strange type. He doesn’t like parties and social occasions, talking on the phone, images of me, swim suits, nudity, heights, or criticism.

And so anxiety and I live together. I know how to keep him sweet, and keep myself safe. We have learned to make deals. And I avoid his territory like the plague. (more…)

December 25, 2012
6 Steps to Release Your Fear and Feel Peaceful

“We are not what we know but what we are willing to learn.” ~Mary Catherine Bateson

It was a balmy spring morning and I started my day as per usual, but I soon realized that my mind was entertaining fearful thoughts about my financial insecurity.

With many new ventures within the seedling stage, my income flow was erratic and unpredictable, while my financial responsibilities were consistent and guaranteed. At the time I ignored these thoughts as “petty,” like a parent dismissing a crying child after a mild fall on the pavement.

What I didn’t realize was that my mind wanted to entertain these fear-based thoughts like a Hollywood blockbuster, and as you may know, what you focus on expands.

Before I knew it, my body was in a state of complete anxiety and fear. I literally felt my cognitive and creative centers shutting down. I felt completely powerless, a hostage to my own mind.

My body felt paralyzed, and I felt disconnected from my talents and gifts. I felt separate, isolated, and vulnerable. I became a victim of the fear.

In this moment I realized the powerful impact thoughts can have on how we feel, mentally and physically. Here is what unfolded through me, and the lessons I treasured from this experience.

Fear is a closed energy, referred to as inverted faith. Fear exists when we do not trust our connection to the infinite part of who we are and buy into a story about what’s unfolding in our life.

The emotions we feel are created from the thoughts that we choose to focus on, consciously or unconsciously. The emotions act as markers to let us know if we are focusing on expansive, empowering thoughts or fearful, limiting thoughts.

If I were to relate this in a story, it may be like a pilot believing he no longer had any guidance or support from the airport control tower in a large storm, and no instruments on board to detect if he was on a collision course with another airplane.

If the control tower represents the infinite part of who we are, which always knows what’s best for us, it can be understandable why the pilot with no other guidance except for his own eye sight would be fearful of the situation at hand.

An alarm on the plane beeping at the pilot would represent the emotions. The alarm’s purpose is to get the attention of the pilot so he can focus and realize he is off the path.

Once our emotions start to take a grip of our physical body, what can we do to move from a state of limitation and fear into an open, tranquil, peaceful state? (more…)

December 25, 2012
The World’s Top 7 Life-Changing Gurus

“Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.” ~William S. Burroughs

Where do you turn when life gets you down? Who’s your hero, your mentor, your pillar of strength amidst the turmoil?

Haven’t we all had those days when life just seems to be a battle? I know I certainly have. And then there are times when there’s an ongoing challenge that grabs hold of us and just won’t let go.

What can you do? Where do you get your strength—your answers?

For a lot of us, we look to inspirational figures, leaders, experts, gurus, and even celebrities. Those larger than life figures that are out there living life, experiencing things we only dream of, and dispensing the wisdom we don’t think we possess.

In my younger years, I wanted a mentor. I thought surely that would solve all my problems. It would give me the hope, encouragement, and maybe even strategies to live the life I was destined to live. I could finally overcome my personal challenges or lack of experience and knowledge.

This notion went on for years. Oh sure, I had plenty of good jobs and made decent money. I lived the life so many of us do. I just wanted more. I felt I had potential that just wasn’t surfacing.

Eventually my yearnings led me to discover experts and gurus willing to sell their advice.

I won’t list their names here, but you know who they are. They offered seminars, created master-mind groups, put together home-study courses. I thought, hey, maybe this is the answer. I can buy my mentors!

From the big names to the lesser-knowns, I started buying nearly every self-development and business strategy course they peddled.

It became an addiction that nearly led me to bankruptcy.

I was buying so many programs and courses and retreats and “solutions” that I had no time to implement any of them. The buying itself became my solution. Ugh.

I was hooked on glitter, celebrity, and everything external. I was chasing success, happiness, and purpose as if they were “out there” somewhere.

I had no idea who I really was. I gave no credence to the experiences that life had blessed me with. I didn’t value the inner wisdom that resided within. (more…)

December 18, 2012
Moving on from a Mistake: 5 Tips to Relieve Your Pain

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard

We all make mistakes, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that when we’re in the midst of them. We try to avoid them at all costs because the pain and price can be high.

It can cost us our jobs, our reputations, or our driving records.

In their election ads, political candidates often focus on their opponents’ negative aspects in order to make us vote for them instead. It’s almost as if we’re voting for the person least likely to mess up.

My boyfriend and I used to make jokes about the negative ads because we know they’re ridiculous; we know that they are half-truths and lies.

We’re always going to make mistakes, so I think the most important thing is to focus on our intentions and moral compasses. We can try to do our best, but we will never be perfect.

Just think about watching a gymnast slip off the balance beam at the Olympics. It’s so painful to watch! We know that she’s trained her entire life, hours upon hours every day to get there—and now she’s messed up!

We wonder to ourselves, how will she ever get over that mistake? Will it plague her thoughts for the rest of her life? It almost makes us glad we’re not in her shoes.

No matter how hard we practice, we will occasionally trip up. And we have to accept that.

We have to somehow pick up the pieces after that painful reminder of our humanity and fallibility. We have to piece together our egos and deal with a varying array of emotions.

And the emotions can vary greatly when our egos have been bruised. We can be mad at ourselves for making the mistake. We can feel upset with others because they judge us.

We all want to be accepted and loved, and mistakes can make us feel unlovable and flawed. We forget that everyone’s been there before and will be there again.

I’ve made many mistakes in my life. One time, I got into a wreck because I turned at an intersection too soon. The sun blinded me at sunset and I wasn’t wearing heavy-duty sunglasses.

As a result, another car sideswiped me. I sat there crying, upset at what had just happened. How was I going to tell my parents? What were they going to say to me?

Although no one was physically hurt, the pain lingered in my heart. I blamed myself and carried around that weight for weeks. My car was totaled and I had to drive my parents’ car to and from work each day.

I felt like a failure. My insurance rates went up. My driving record was tarnished.

I was scared to drive. But then I reminded myself of a few things that helped me get some perspective. (more…)

December 16, 2012
Transcending Your Fear Using Courage and Boldness

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear” ~Ambrose Redmoon

I hear the words courage and boldness thrown around a lot in the self-growth world, often as the same thing.

Or that the notion of true courage and boldness only looks like this big, huge, daring action, like a hero out of a movie lunging into a fearful situation.

Courage and boldness always confused me and I thought they were pretty much the same thing.

But once I learned the difference between them, I was able to have this warrior team to help me create better life for myself, on my journey to becoming a more fulfilled, self-actualized human being.

After many years of trial and error, I realized the use of boldness and courage doesn’t need to look like some action movie hero. Though the great thing is, it can feel like I am a superhero on the inside.

I believe the same goes for you, if you want to access more boldness and courage in your life.

First, Fear

Let’s begin with fear, because without the concept of fear there would be no need for boldness or courage.

I discovered that fear can be an enemy or an ally, and it’s our choice. A common interpretation of fear is that it is bad, that we must make it go away, because we blame it for stopping us.

I’m with the Buddhists on this one in that if we resist fear then we make it our enemy, and that’s a battle we’ll never win.

We will never be able to access courage and boldness in a powerful way, so we can win the war on fear by not trying to battle it directly.

For many years I tried very hard to defeat fear, to purge my body of it, to cleanse my mind of it, all to no avail. Fear of more responsibility, fear of getting hurt in relationships, fear of just about anything.

I’ve used guided meditations to attempt to eliminate fear, worked with NLP specialists and hypnotherapists to kill my fear, tried telling myself with affirmations that I am fearless and totally confident, used emotional freedom technique—the list goes on and on.

And guess what? Fear is still there. It’s not going anywhere for me.

Maybe you can find a way to remove fear, but I’ve given up on that route.

So what can we do if we can’t kill fear itself, knowing that fear gets in the way, and can stop us from being or having what we want to be?

It’s a strange paradox, but by being more accepting of fear, I’ve found it makes our access to courage and boldness stronger. (more…)

December 4, 2012
Courting Chaos: Embrace the Unexpected and Grow Into Yourself

“In chaos, there is fertility.” ~Anais Nin

“You know you’re eating tongue tacos, right?” asked the slight Mexican hipster beside me. I choked, wide-eyed.

“I thought it was just beef,” I stuttered, surveying the thick slabs of juicy meat I’d just been scarfing down. He subtly rolled his wide brown eyes. What a gringa, I’m sure he was thinking.

It was an inauspicious start, but this unexpected event ended up setting off a chain reaction of positive events in my life.

My new friend Juan invited me back to a studio where his friend’s rock band was recording. I’d recently quit my job to travel and had been in Mexico City for less than a week so I was hungry to meet new people and dive into new experiences.

I ended up spending the evening in a dilapidated old mustard-colored house in the Roma Sur neighborhood. I met many artistic types, including a Brooklyn-born man named Mark who had a substantial mustache and an equally significant swagger.

Mark ended up being the recruiter who interviewed me less than a week later for an English teaching job. “I know you!” he exclaimed as soon as he saw me. The interview led to my first teaching contract in Mexico City.

Meanwhile, Juan took me on a series of adventures. I accompanied him and a friend on a late-night street art project in the downtown. We lingered on a disintegrating stone rooftop, watching the stars glistening faintly above the teeming city.

We sat talking about the impossibility of atheism in an apartment cluttered with plants and lit with the sounds of Bob Dylan and Joy Division.

I felt like I’d discovered a whole new world of creativity and spontaneity. It was as if I was underwater, only I felt like I had much more oxygen to breathe in.

I had wanted to live in another country since college, but events had always conspired to keep me in my hometown of Toronto. A long-term relationship, a steady job, or tenuous finances were my usual excuses.

Certainly, I didn’t think I could bear the emotional cost. I had struggled with depression since college and had been on and off medications, and in and out of therapy, for years.

I simply did not think I was resilient enough for such a massive change. (more…)

December 3, 2012
The Ultimate Letting Go: Release Your Fear and Be Free

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins

It seems on some level we must know that nothing lasts forever. That knowledge must be built into our DNA; surely our cells know their own mortality, that entropy is an unavoidable fact of life.

So why do we fight the inevitable? Why do we crave security and consistency? Illusion that it is, we look for promises where it’s not possible for them to be made.

We buy all kinds of insurance, telling ourselves that if we spend that money, that bad thing won’t happen to us and we’ll be “safe.”

We sign contracts, “ensuring” that that piece of property will always be ours and that that relationship, personal or professional, will never be anything but what it is today. We pour money into tricks to keep us young, seemingly viewing aging and death as the ultimate enemy of happiness and success.

But what if we embraced change, not just as a necessary evil but even as a blessing?

At a tender young age, I experienced the most significant loss of my life, the death of a very dear friend. Robbed of the innocence and naivete of youth, in the decade that’s followed I have learned far more painful, poignant, and enduring lessons that I know I would have otherwise.

That loss also resulted in one big giant fear of the ultimate change—I was terrified of losing the people I cared about. It was nearly paralyzing, and this fear resulted in a lot of ugly insecurity. Ironically enough, that very fear may be just an unattractive enough quality that it could have driven away my loved ones and become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I am eternally grateful to the ones who loved me enough to stand by while I discovered this, building my confidence so that I could change from needing, clinging, and fearing their loss to loving freely and letting go.

Whatever the nature of the relationship, there’s something about two people letting go of each other, knowing that the other doesn’t belong to you, that is so much more life-giving than those same two clinging tightly, bracing for the inevitable blows life will deal. It makes whatever comes that much more manageable.

We are inexplicably linked to the ones we love. Whatever our religious or spiritual beliefs, we can all agree that when someone is lost, whether through death or change, they are not gone, in that if nothing else they remain in our heads and hearts.

It is up to us to have the strength to remember that what has been has been real, and that it is not changed by the loss. (more…)

November 27, 2012
How Fear Can Deepen Joy and Love If We Let It

“Fear has its use but cowardice has none.” ~Gandhi

On Monday, my boyfriend and I took a ferry to Catalina Island, where we planned to spend the night.

I knew the island would be quaint and charming, which was a big part of its appeal, but I was mostly looking forward to breathing in the salty ocean air.

From vacations enjoyed with beachside lounging, to summer days spent running along the shore, some of my favorite memories involve the hypnotic lilt of crashing waves.

We hightailed it to the upper deck as soon as we dropped our bags, allowing ourselves the best possible view of any jumping dolphins we might encounter.

It wasn’t long before we picked up some speed, but this didn’t deter me from sticking my face into the wind.

I imagined that was what dogs feel like when they poke their heads outside car windows—completely enveloped by the cool, crisp breeze; wrapped in it and yet so free.

Thirty minutes and ten dolphin sightings in, though still windblown, I felt my cheeks go warm and flush as I giggled, “I love the ocean!”

It was the kind of pure joy that comes being fully present, clearheaded, and immersed in nature—magnified because I was sharing it with someone I love.

Three hours later, after we’d checked into our hotel and eaten lunch, I thought, “I hate the ocean.”

We’d decided to go snorkeling, something my boyfriend loves, and, theoretically, I thought I’d enjoy.

Nemo-like fish, machine-free exercise, and exploration are all things I appreciate. And we’d done it together once before in San Diego, a few months after we’d first started dating.

But back then we’d stayed in shallow water, much like I do when I swim at beach. By “swim” I mean wade out to my waist, all the while fearing death by shark. (more…)

November 7, 2012
20 Ways Life is Amazing (Even When it Hurts)

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” ~Anne Frank

I have a confession to make: The last few weeks have been some of the hardest I’ve lived through in my entire life—but not for the reasons you’d think.

Thankfully, all of my family is safe and sound. Today is actually my grandmother’s 80^th birthday, and we’re having a wonderful dinner to celebrate her life.

My husband and I have just moved into a beautiful new home and are ecstatic to finally have a little nest of our own. I have my health, my family, and my life—so what could possibly be missing?

The puzzle piece I have lost is what makes me most proud: the results of my intellect and mind.

In January of this year, I left my corporate job to launch a startup. The business grew, and I achieved many interesting goals. I hired a staff, met amazing new people, served great clients, launched a platform, and even published a mobile app.

Ten months later, I am now left with only a fraction of what I built. What makes this devastating are not the reasons that things went sour, but the fact that it was all my fault.

In the aftermath of a very strenuous episode, I can now see that what I feared would happen did actually happen, and the world has not crumbled. My life has not been stripped out from under me, and I still have all that I find precious.

I have felt anxiety, yes, but it was my own choice to create and suffer it. I have left that behind.

I choose to let the negativity float away, along with all the thoughts of what could have been, because those are the ones that bring me down.

In finding the balance between a harsh reality and a smiling heart, I made a list of what I find amazing about life, even when it hurts. Here’s what I came up with: (more…)

November 7, 2012
How To Overcome Self-Doubt: 8 Tips to Boost Your Confidence

“Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.” ~Cicero

At one point or another, we all question whether or not we are doing enough, making enough money, or if we are going to be “successful” enough. I know this firsthand, as I’ve spent long periods of my young adult life in a persistent state of fear and self-doubt.

When I graduated from college, I worked sixty, seventy, even eighty hours a week in a corporate setting climbing the proverbial ladder. In my mind, I thought that was success, even though it wasn’t what I truly wanted for myself.

I held onto dead-end jobs, toxic relationships, and draining friendships because I thought that if I left them, I’d be a quitter.

I doubted myself to the point that I was making my decisions based on what others wanted of me, not what I wanted for myself. I was constantly struggling with confidence and always second-guessing myself.

What I’ve learned from my experiences is that if I don’t nip the self-limiting thoughts in the bud right away, this “woe is me” mindset can become debilitating.

I’ve discovered a few things that help with self-doubt and boost my confidence that may help you too:

1. Stop comparing your accomplishments to your friends’ and colleagues’ accomplishments.

I find that I doubt myself the most when I’m comparing what I’m doing with what other people are doing. When I compare my accomplishments to a colleague’s, I start feeling inadequate. Your colleague’s accomplishments are not a litmus test to grade your own success.

One key thing to remember when you find yourself in this mental pattern is that everyone is on his or her own journey.

I find that I am most successful in my personal and professional life when I am following what works for me and what makes me feel good, even if it is different from what someone I look up to is doing. (more…)

October 22, 2012
How to Free Yourself from the Cycle of Social Fear

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore” ~André Gide

A few months ago, I received a gift from my brother while on a vacation in the United States. He was giving each one of us a small token of stone with words carved on them. Mine was etched “courage.”

The stone reminded me of my struggles on self-esteem—in the past and the present. I pull strength from my courage to face the challenges of each day.

Getting to where I am now was not an easy task.

The Cycle of Social Fear

The earliest memories of my childhood had to do with being in one corner of the classroom watching all the other kids playing while I stood watching. It was not because my teacher punished me, but because I was too shy to talk or play with anyone.

I would sit all day long if there was no instruction to do otherwise.

I do not remember exactly what was going on in my mind. I think there was this part of me that just wanted to be me—not do anything and accept myself being shy—and there was my other self that wanted to be like any other kid enjoying playing with others.

I wanted to interact but I did not manage to do so because I was caught in the vicious cycle of social fear:

I am shy —> I want to play with them —> If I play with them, I’m afraid of what they will say about me —> I don’t want to be rejected —> I will not join them because…—> I am shy.

Thanks to the support of my family and friends who went out of their way to help, I have changed in spite of myself. But this did not happen without constant battle between the shy me and the real me.

Decide to Step out of the Cycle

The only way you can get out of the rut of fear is to make a conscious decision to step out of it. It is not easy to do this if you have grown into the habit of fear. In order to make this work, you have to find what your heart really wants and teach your heart and mind to accept this.

Reflect on this question: What is it that I fear and would like to overcome?

Your fears can be a general “shyness” or specifically not being able to talk, or point out something in a meeting, or not being assertive enough.

Now ask yourself: Why do I want to overcome this? (more…)

October 18, 2012
Gaining Strength, Courage, and Confidence from Failure
“He is able who thinks he is able.” ~Buddha

At any point of time, every person has:
- A set of things s/he wants to change but cannot (plans)
- A set of things s/he tried to change but could not (helplessness)
- A set of things s/he could have changed and did not (guilt)
- A fear of the unknown, anxiety about the future, and worry about decisions to be taken (fear)
- Too many plans and associated what-ifs (anxiety)
I have experienced all of the feelings listed above and have tried hard to ease myself from what I went through. Many times, I was unsuccessful.

After contemplating on all the above, I realized something: If someone can change something in my life, it’s me!

The normal path we all choose is: plan -> effort-> outcome.

And the outcome is usually one of the three:
- Best effort -> success -> acceptable
- Weak effort -> failure -> acceptable
- Repeated best efforts -> unforeseen factors -> failure -> not acceptable
There are plans and then there is effort to work on those plans, and then on top of everything is the result—which, most of the time, is directly proportional to the effort, until there’s a mystery factor, like luck or unforeseen circumstances involved.

I’ve been unemployed for two years now.

I got married two years ago, and my husband had a job in another country. After we got married, I had the choice of quitting my job and relocating with him or hanging onto my job and persuading my company to give me an intra-company transfer. I tried the latter, but it didn’t work out.

So I quit my job and relocated with my husband. I was pleased with my decision, and so was most of my family. With a strong job profile, I was confident that I could nail a job in any country, any time I wanted.

But that was not the case. I tried to get a job, but I couldn’t. There was failure at every step. I slowly lost all the self-confidence I had. My personality just faded away. (more…)
October 7, 2012
Respond Instead of Reacting: Speak Your Truth, Not Your Fears

“Speak when you are angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” ~Laurence J. Peter

Finances, relationships, responsibilities, and life in general can certainly create a great deal of noise in our heads. However, if we truly want to feel inner peace, we must take the time to learn to be mindful instead of mind full. This, and only this, will allow us to respond to life instead of reacting to it.

I have tons of happy memories from my childhood and a few harsh ones too. Unfortunately, the harsh memories are those that we replay over and over again, until we heal them. A difficult memory that stuck with me for a very long time was my mother’s pattern of despair.

She would appear agitated or frustrated about something and soon after she would yell, “One of these days, you’ll come home and you’re not going to find me!” (There’s still a part of me that shudders a bit when I hear those words.)

As a child, this was a clear sign that my mom was angry about something and if I didn’t hurry up and make it better, she just might leave.

All I knew in my youth was that I didn’t want my mom to be mad and I surely didn’t want her to leave. As an adult, I have a very different view.

I am the youngest of four girls in my family, and I was born eleven years after my next eldest sister. My mom was in her late thirties when she gave birth to me, and she had been a mother from the age of seventeen.

When I think back to my own life at the age of seventeen, I certainly did not have the worries or concerns that my mother did.

I wasn’t worried about finances, a marriage, or taking care of a young child. Instead, I was worried about what to wear to school the next day and when I was getting my braces off! One memory that sticks in my brain that happened when I was seventeen, was the day my mom stopped saying she was leaving.

I remember sitting at our kitchen table when my mom asked me to pull a turkey out of the oven for her because she had recently hurt her back and needed some assistance with this simple task. I was busy writing in my journal so I responded, “Sure mom, in a minute.” (more…)

October 3, 2012