Tiny Buddha

Tag: Fear

  • Letting Go of Fear and Living in Peace

    Letting Go of Fear and Living in Peace

    At Peace

    “Peace cannot be kept by force.  It can only be achieved by understanding.”  ~Albert Einstein

    I sat in the waiting room of the dermatologist’s office waiting to be seen. For years I have had skin problems, from fungal infections to dermatitis. But when my dentist noticed an indentation the size of a mosquito bite on my upper lip that had not healed in the five weeks since I had seen her, she sent an urgent message to my primary care physician.

    The next day, I was seen by my primary care physician and referred immediately to a dermatologist. The medical receptionist handed me a piece of paper with a big green dot next to the words “cancer screening.”

    The word “cancer” brought up all sorts of images:  throwing up, losing hair, and sometimes death.

    Years ago, I was diagnosed with pre-cancer. Had it finally developed into the real thing? 

    There were two other patients in the waiting room. An older woman with yellow tinted sunglasses and a full head of wavy gray hair sat completely absorbed reading a magazine article.

    A younger woman with long brown hair clutched an explanation from the medical billing department about the cost of other services, but no matter how many times she glanced at the paper, her gaze quickly flickered away, as if she was preoccupied with other thoughts.

    Had she also come to discover whether or not she was cancer-free?

    An undercurrent of agitation swam beneath the waiting room calmness, and I closed my eyes briefly and practiced breathing.

    When I was in my twenties, my mind and body wellness doctor mentioned I had a tendency to hold my breath during crucial moments, locking emotions into my body long after the event had taken place. The key was to remember to breathe during those big moments and let the feelings flow through me instead of getting stuck.

    I thought about dying and realized I was not afraid to die.  I was at peace with myself and how I had lived my life. 

    Sure, I thought about the practical things: bills, savings, and life insurance. I also thought about the impractical things: husband and children. I even thought about my legacy: my books and my paintings.

    If I died, I had enough life insurance to pay off the mortgage and allow my husband time to remarry. If I died, my children would finish growing up without a mother but not without mother-figures. If I died, the books and paintings would go on to entertain and delight others.

    What surprised me most was I didn’t have an urgent need to execute a bucket list if I was told I had only six months or a year to live. I felt no desire to quit my job, travel the world, or race a formula one car. I would go on as I had always done: following the same routine every day until there were no days left.

    Why?

    Over the years, I had abandoned the emergency living I was accustomed to as a young adult in favor of the one-day-at-a-time practice of mindfulness I had adopted as a middle-aged woman.

    Gone were the spontaneous forays into carpe diem that led me down selfish roads that hurt the ones I loved.

    Gone were the days when I would miserably brood over the things others had done to hurt me, whether unknowingly or intentionally. Gone were the fantasies of a life full of adventure at the expense of abandoning a disabled child I struggled to love.

    Now carpe diem translated into loading the dishwasher for my tired husband although it was his assigned chore. Now I no longer brooded miserably over hurt feelings, but said something immediately to diffuse misunderstanding. Now I no longer pined for foreign adventures, but cherished spending quiet moments with my disabled son.

    Sure, I had moments of discontent. Who doesn’t? But a fight with my husband no longer propelled me into arms of another man.

    Sure, I still envied people who could travel to foreign countries without rearranging the lives of everyone around them. But I found contentment in reading about their adventures, knowing how exhausting it already was to hire and train a respite worker to care for my son just so my husband and I could have a night out.

    Sure, I still had hopes and dreams for a life of abundance, but I was no longer going to discount the blessings I already had.

    If I did have cancer and if I did die from it, I would not change a thing in my life.

    I was not afraid of dying. Dying meant leaving my body, a habitat everyone must eventually leave. Who was I to ask to have my body forever?

    No one knew what exactly happened to the soul, but I suspected it would transcend whatever limits the body had imposed on me. If nothing else, I would live on through the ones I had left behind and their lives would become inextricably connected with mine.

    When the nurse called my name, I stood up and went into the examination room. The dermatologist arrived shortly thereafter and examined me.

    He didn’t know whether or not the skin abnormality was cancerous or not, but he wanted me to try an experimental drug for one month before performing a biopsy and authorizing further treatment.

    I left the doctor’s office without a firm diagnosis. I still don’t know whether or not I have cancer. And, frankly, it doesn’t matter whether or not I have it or whether or not I will die from it.

    What matters is the life I have been given.

    None of us knows when our time on this planet will be up. But we all know we have choices on how we live the moments that have been given to us right now. Our thoughts and our actions illuminate who we are and what we have to give.

    Each moment, no matter how seemingly insignificant, is wrought with hope and faith and love. 

    Breathe in, breathe out. You cannot be afraid if you live in peace.

    Photo by Frank Volachek

  • Love, Light, and Other Lessons That Crisis Reveals to Us

    Love, Light, and Other Lessons That Crisis Reveals to Us

    Inner Light

    “Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant.” ~Paul Coelho

    There have been more shocking and devastating world events in recent memory than I can keep up with. Hurricane Sandy. Sandy Hook Shooting. Shooting at Portland Mall. Australian wildfires. Club Fire in Brazil. Hurricane Nemo. Earthquake in China. Bangladesh Factory Collapse. Boston Bombing. Texas Plant Explosion. Floods in Midwest. Tornadoes in Oklahoma.

    So much loss. Devastation. Pain. Piled one on top of the other with little time to regain our footing in between.

    I can hear that fearful place inside me questioning, “Is this how it’s going to happen? Is this the beginning of the end? Is nature finally gonna take us out for what we’ve done, or are we just gonna take each other out?”

    And I fall into that spiral of anger, frustration, and endless questioning, feeling my energy getting dragged down and down. 

    I want to crawl into my hermit-y, safe shell and hide, and resolve in the fact that people are screwed up, and nature is ultimately in control, and there’s nothing I can do about it except wallow and whine about how no one’s doing anything about it.

    And I can hear that fearful place inside me wondering, “Why? Why there? Why those people? Why kids? What’s going to happen? Should I be scared? Prepared? Worrying? Ramshackling together a bunker in my garage? What am I supposed to do?”

    So I do all I can do. Clutching my loved ones a little tighter to my chest, I keep going.

    My fear usually continues until the day after comes. Until we know it’s over. And then the fear and anxiety releases in a flood of relief as love comes in to fill its place.

    On the day after, there is hope. Incredible tales of resilience, courage, and survival. Amazing stories of heroism, selflessness, and grace.

    Suddenly, we feel spared, lucky. Yes, look at all we’ve lost, but look at all there is left to be grateful for.

    Suddenly, we are reminded that life is only about the people around us and that it’s all, and always, about love.

    Neighbors, strangers, communities coming together. Nations rapt in attention, holding their breath. In those moments, we experience our oneness. In those moments, we shift from a modality of competition into one of cooperation. In those moments, we can actually feel the truth that we’re all in this together. It’s palpable. 

    Could that be why these horrific events keep happening? Their rate seeming to steadily increase since 2013 dawned and we were ushered into a new era.

    It seems we need a collective shift in consciousness; our entire energy needs to be raised.

    And unfortunately, it often takes shock to knock us out of our hypnotic day-to-day enough that we wake up, rise up, and come together. It takes a shock for us to start questioning why we’re here and what it’s all about.

    It feels like the something greater out there has two gigantic defibrillator paddles on the Earth’s heart and is trying to shock us back to life. Clear. Hurricane! Shooting! Tornado! Bombing! Come on. Wake up. Come back to us.

    And in those moments when we do wake up and act out of courage, act out of conviction, act out of love, we feel it: lucky just to be alive. Grateful for this moment, this one, right here. We can’t believe how blessed we must be to be alive right now, having this experience.

    We feel connected. On purpose. Like we’re here for a reason. Like it all matters. And that’s how we’re meant to feel everyday. Not just through trauma and pain, but in our good ole, average ordinary.

    Miracles are not extraordinary events; they are happening all around us, all the time. It just often takes extraordinary events for us to see them and realize they’ve been here all the while.

    I think that if we can take one message from the sadness that’s surrounded our world lately, one possible why, is that only by witnessing the dark can we know what the light is.

    That light exists within all of us, and once we know where the switch is, we can turn it on every single day—not just in our darkest moments.

    It is wholly within our power and responsibility to feel lucky, and grateful, and amazed just to be alive. Just to be a part of it all.

    It’s wholly within our power and responsibility to shine our individual lights as brightly as possible so that when we come together, the darkness will have no fighting chance. We’ll obliterate it.

    From my perspective, our response to all these inner-light-switching events as of late just confirm to me, more now than ever, that our future looks positively bright.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • The Dangers of Staying Quiet: Learning to Ask For Help

    The Dangers of Staying Quiet: Learning to Ask For Help

    Covered Lips

    “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    My right leg lay twisted, broken and disconnected. As I regained awareness, I could hear a primal scream.

    It took a while to register that it was coming from me.

    At the time, I was supposedly living my dream, but in truth I was drowning in my loneliness. So I had stood almost directly behind a horse I knew was prone to kicking and pulled her tail.

    She wasn’t malicious; if she was, I would be dead now, as I had lain under her until I was found. But I had invaded her space and she told me she didn’t like it.

    That was fifteen years, three long operations, and one titanium rod ago.

    I had been riding since I was four, and at the time I was twenty-two and competing professionally. I had trained with Olympic medallists and I had supposedly landed this great opportunity and I was on my way.

    It all looked right and perfect. The truth was that I was miserable and felt completely out of my depth. I knew no one where I lived. I was isolated yet expected to succeed—to deliver without any support.

    The more time went on, the more I hid the truth of my situation and how I felt from everyone who loved me, denying myself, because I didn’t know how to say I had made a mistake. I was struggling and desperately needed help.

    I had realized I’d made a mistake by accepting this job. I didn’t trust the owner for whom I was working and I couldn’t do everything I was expected to do alone, but I didn’t want my friends and family to think I had failed.

    It took me ten years to admit to myself that I was ashamed for having caused my accident.

    I chose to sacrifice myself and put my body in danger so that I could make the situation end—to somehow be rescued and for things to change.

    I was ashamed that I had caused drama in my life and trauma to myself as a way of getting what I needed. I got change, but the consequences were more dramatic than I could have imagined.

    Not only did I lose my job, but I also ended my professional riding career for good.

    I ended my dream of competing at the Olympics, which I had been striving, training, and working for my whole life. I lost my house and my friends, who I had left when I moved away to the new job. For a year, I totally lost my independence, and it would take several years until I was fully physically recovered.

    I would live the rest of my life with physical scars to remind me, and internal scars that would haunt me for years.

    It has been my greatest lesson in life to find a voice and not just speak, but to speak up and tell the truth about how I feel. To be true to myself and take care of what I need and want, and demonstrate to myself that I matter, by telling other people what is important to me.

    We are taught in school that if we don’t understand something and need help, to put our hand up and ask. It sounds so simple, but why do so many of us see this as a weakness and instead believe we must struggle and suffer in silence?

    My suffering in silence eventually led me to dramatic and potentially life-endangering measures.

    When I lay on the floor waiting for the paramedics, before someone had covered my leg, I stared at it broken like a china doll.

    I was lucky that I had been wearing calf-length leather riding chaps and it was to them that I owe the fact I didn’t lose my leg; it managed to keep everything together enough to be saved.

    My physical healing was relatively easy, with some time, patience, and loving care. Although I did eventually get up and ride again, even compete, even though I was told I never would, the psychological damage stripped me of my trust in myself, something that would last for years.

    I came to fear that I might self-sabotage again, betraying myself, and that there would be dire consequences if I took any risks.

    So I quit trying.

    For a long time my life was small and riddled with fear, which kept me prisoner—physically safe but, ironically, once again deeply lonely.

    It has taken an immense amount of courage to change this, and sometimes I would start to feel better, only to end up back in my cell.

    I had to stop waiting to be rescued by someone—anyone—who might telepathically know how I felt without me actually saying.

    I laugh now, because I have been taught by life that real love means being encouraged to be the biggest, most confident, strongest version of myself, to be able to stand up for myself and tell the truth, even if it might hurt someone else’s feelings.

    It is not my destiny to be self-sacrificing for fear of disappointing someone or hurting other people, but instead my responsibility to protect, love, and honor my well-being and happiness.

    My mistakes, actions, or consequences no longer need to be catastrophic, as long as I speak up and be honest early on, ask for help, talk to others, ask for someone to listen to me or even sometimes just give me a shoulder to cry on or a hug.

    A plaster always needs to be ripped off quickly to minimize the pain—and sometimes speaking the truth must be done in the same way.

    Because I didn’t do this, the pain, grief, shame, and trauma of that time in my life got stuck in my body and festered, eventually becoming too painful to hide from. Strangely, though, it actually helped me find the strength I needed to face how I had let myself down.

    I had chosen to be the victim, rather than speak up.

    I finally chose instead to let the tears fall, to wash away the pain, and I started speaking the truth. It wasn’t pretty, but I wanted to find a way to forgive myself and finally let go of the past.

    A few years on, I still sometimes struggle a little to speak up straight away when I am cross, in pain, and upset, but the truth always finds a way to bubble to the surface.

    Something in me won’t let me be quiet any more.

    With practice, I have learned to quieten the inner voice that tells me to ignore my feelings and keep pretending that everything is fine and dandy.

    Instead, I have to practice speaking with emotional clarity to say what I need, even if I have to shout it, write it, or repeat it over and over again to be heard.

    I have learned the simple truth that mistakes only happen when we are confused, don’t understand what is being communicated to us or expected of us, and when we don’t ask for help to make sense of something we don’t understand.

    So, the next time you find yourself in that state of fear, confused about which way to turn, don’t stay quiet, don’t suffer in silence!

    Remember our school lesson and put your hand up, either metaphorically or physically, and ask for help from anyone, whether in prayer or from another person.

    Be honest, keep asking, and don’t give up until you find what you need.

    You might not always find the answer straight away, but by talking about it, asking, and listening, it will come.

    Photo by Mitya Ku

  • How to Speak Your Mind Without Making Someone Else Wrong

    How to Speak Your Mind Without Making Someone Else Wrong

    Friends Pulled Apart

    “Would you rather be right or free?” ~Byron Katie

    Do you have the freedom to say what you really feel? Do you share your true thoughts and ideas, or do you struggle to avoid hurting, disappointing, or angering others?

    It can be easier to try to meet others’ expectations and avoid conflict. We may even believe we are making someone happy by not speaking our truth. What’s the cost? Slowly giving up fragments of who we genuinely are: our authentic self.

    There was a time when right and wrong worked for me. I had stability, harmony, and a practical path for pursuing a career in accounting, marrying a wonderful man, and raising three beautiful children.

    I didn’t realize I was following expectations of what I thought should make me happy based on what I learned and believed to be true. I was living on the surface, stuck in the paradigm of right and wrong. Though I was happy, something was missing.

    Until I ventured within and followed my real passion (psychology, writing, and seeking spiritual truth), I couldn’t see that I’d been living in the framework of family norms and social conditioning, not knowing how to listen to myself.

    I grew up shy, fearful of having the wrong answer, one that didn’t fit into what others told me I should be, do, know, and think.  

    The social mask forms the moment we’re born and we hear our first words. We learn to please, meet expectations, and avoid sharing our feelings, which can turn into a lifelong struggle to be good enough, know enough, and have enough.

    We long to be seen and heard for who we are unconditionally, but we find ourselves on the path of conditional love, seeking the approval and appreciation from others that we eventually discover must come from within.

    When I began sharing my ideas, it went against expectations of “right and wrong,” and I faced criticism and judgment. I was finally following my own values and the things that excited me.

    I’d eagerly share with my family, not realizing how far “out of the box” I’d gone, and was met with silence, or criticism behind my back.  

    As I stepped into my beliefs, I encountered defensiveness and attempts to prove I was wrong. Conflict for the first time! Both of us were living in our ego’s fear, needing to be right in a space of  “how could you think that?”

    Then a twenty-year friendship ended abruptly when I wasn’t following her “right” way of business ethics.

    As university friends, we had both become coaches, leaving behind our corporate careers, and suddenly I was a competitor instead of a friend.

    She felt the need to control the way I did business. Sadly, it turned out to be more important than our friendship.

    Soon after, I faced blaming, false assumptions, and horrific judgments from a friend of over a decade. I no longer followed her “right way,” which culminated in a six-page letter about why I was wrong, and who I should be—otherwise this friendship wasn’t working for her!

    I was shocked, and felt enormous hurt, disbelief, and some things I didn’t expect: anger, hatred, and resentment.

    I hadn’t felt this intensity of negative emotions toward anyone in my entire life. I couldn’t forgive because I’d become attached to my way needing to “be right” for her. 

    At the same time I’d developed a strong inner trust, validated by the most fulfilling life experiences in all areas of my life. Suddenly, I could see that who was right and wrong didn’t matter.

    I was judging her for judging me!

    I was also trying to correct her in an effort to fix her, convincing her of my beliefs, needing to control, or trying to change her to make me happy.

    It often happens with those close to us who are now hurting us with their “disregard, disobedience, or disrespect” for not following our right way.

    I now held the energy of criticism (finding fault, complaining), and judgment (blaming, resentment, punishment). While I trusted what was right for my well-being, I needed to let go of it being right for someone else.

    Doing this does not mean we accept or absolve responsibility for all manner of words and behavior. It just means that we stop blaming and judging someone else and consider that they’re doing their best from their own state of consciousness.

    The constructive or destructive choices they make form their learning and experiences, and can only be 100% their responsibility.

    We may have the best of intentions with our criticism and judgment, and we might find ways to punish, yell, impose, demand, and justify them as the “right way,” but love does not condemn.

    When we’re coming from a place of love, we share, teach, and role model in a space of curiosity, compassion, and understanding.

    How do you communicate authentically from a judgment-free space so others will stay open to your thoughts? It may help to use these phrases:

    • I notice that…
    • Are you willing to…
    • I’m curious about…
    • Here’s how I’m feeling, what are you feeling?
    • Are you open to hearing my thoughts and feelings around this?
    • Here’s what I desire for our relationship…what do you want?
    • Are you willing to listen to my point of view, even if it may not be the same as yours?
    • I’m feeling disappointed or not okay with….because what’s important to me is…
    • I think/believe that…what do you think/believe?
    • What exactly did you mean by…
    • I just want to understand where you’re coming from, can you say more about…?

    You may want to avoid certain phrases that come across as criticism and judgment, as they may cause defensiveness and affect other’s ability to be authentic with you:

    • You should…
    • You never….
    • You always…
    • Why can’t you get that….
    • What’s wrong with you?
    • Why or how can you not see that…
    • I’m so disappointed that you…
    • How could you…?
    • I can’t believe you…
    • You are so…

    I’ve learned that, at times, I cannot be authentic because it will bring out someone’s ego (blaming, complaining, condemning), even if I share from a genuine place of love.

    We have no control over where someone chooses to live on the spectrum of fear versus love, and must discern whether there’s space to share—and what’s better left unsaid, so we don’t step on other people’s spiritual path.

    Sometimes we may simply need to wish others well on their journey, creating a new space for both sides to reflect on what truly matters. This is also a loving choice.

    And when you love without judgment, you won’t need to be right because you’ll be free.

    “Out beyond ideas of right 
and wrong there is a field.
I will meet you there.” ~Rumi

    Photo by Elvert Barnes

  • Making Difficult Choices: 6 Helpful Tips

    Making Difficult Choices: 6 Helpful Tips

    Deep Thought

    “You are your choices” ~Seneca

    It was supposed to be the most beautiful day of my life. And on the surface of it, it most definitely was:

    Delicious food? Check. Glorious sunshine? Check. Excited guests? Check. Radiantly happy couple? Umm…rain check?

    I hadn’t chosen him. He had been chosen for me. I had agreed to the marriage without a doubt, but as I stared down at my henna-painted hands adorned with gold of the 24-carat nature, I felt poor. I felt cheated. I felt like the victim of my own decisions.

    The heavy fog of doubt started to cloud over my heart. I cannot go through with this marriage.

    I hadn’t even changed out of my wedding clothes, and yet I’d already made the decision to end my marriage. But how? It was clear to me that my family would not approve.

    Their disappointment would only be the start. I would be disowned. I’d be shunned from the community and would be more alone than ever.

    Or would I?

    Despite being full of fear, I had to find the courage to take the first steps in starting the ending. I waited for the courage to come. I waited for quite some time. It didn’t arrive.

    Courage is a combination of many things: perspective, introspection, relentlessness, intention. Courage comes after the act.

    So instead, I pictured how my life would look 20 years later, in a marriage that had not flourished, after a decision that had not served me. The image of a life I didn’t want fueled the momentum toward what I did want.

    And so it was up to me to take the first steps. I had made my choice. And that choice manifested itself in many life lessons that I apply to this very day.

    Accounting for the perspective of everyone is paralyzing. We must own the choices we make. Boldness itself is a conscious choice. These tips may help you make it.

    1. Feel present.

    Yes, you have to deal with the consequences of your choices, but you cannot control what happens as events unfold. It likely won’t be anywhere near as bad as you worry it may be.

    My family did not disown me. They supported me in ways I had only secretly imagined.

    Focus on what you can control—what you do now.

    2. Feel bold.

    Once you make the decision, it’s made. Once you take, action, it’s done. Not everybody will agree with you. But you agree with you. And that’s a start.

    3. Feel thankful.

    I could have been living in a country where marriage laws were gender-biased, where my decision could have remained in my heart and not realized. But I was in a country where the law was on my side, irrelevant of my gender. I had an education; I had the freedom to choose. So many do not have the same opportunity.

    4. Feel contagious.

    That one bold move I made was not the only one in my life. That’s the thing with taking deliberate action; it becomes addictive. It bursts into other areas of your life—your job, your health, your relationships. It becomes a habit.

    5. Feel united.

    There is a difference between thinking you can do something alone and realizing you don’t have to. Those that loved me guided my heart. They held me when I was afraid. They strengthened me when I felt defeated.

    Remember, you’re not alone with your choice.

    6. Feel original.

    Doing everything by the book isn’t always advised. Rules have been written for people who choose to follow them. Are you one of those people? Which rules are you going to challenge?

    What you do defiantly today could impact the decision someone else makes tomorrow.

    What audacious action are you willing to take? Big or small? Right now?

    Photo by mrhayata

  • Dance Through the Storm of Uncertainty: 5 Tips for Grace and Peace

    Dance Through the Storm of Uncertainty: 5 Tips for Grace and Peace

    Dancing in the Rain

    “Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens.” ~Epictetus

    I am in an unfamiliar place and I find myself waiting. It is not clear who or what I am waiting for.  I then hear a gentle tapping at the door. I approach the door, but stand before it in silence.

    My pulse quickens as I wait. I make no attempt to answer the knock until a voice whispers, “It is me.”  This is when I open the door. 

    I awoke from this dream feeling a bit unsettled. I couldn’t remember the exact quality of the voice. Whether it was male or female remains a mystery. But I did recognize this dream as a metaphor for all that was happening in this particular period of my life.

    I was faced with a life-altering decision—something I had emphatically said “no” to at an earlier time.  My best childhood friend had offered to be a gestational surrogate for my husband and me after multiple miscarriages and two pre-term birth losses, but I wouldn’t even consider it.

    That is not the way nature intended it, was my initial thought. A child should be created out of love, I had said in response to her offer.

    In time, my perspective began to shift and I recognized that this was truly an act of love. A trusted friend was willing to help me in bringing a desired child into the world. Why would I not accept this beautiful gift? 

    It was easier for my husband to come to this decision than it was for me. I had to replace a long-held dream—the natural childbirth experience I had once imagined.

    This would also be the ultimate lesson in letting go. So much would be beyond my control.

    After months of introspection, research, guidance, and prayer, it then felt right to walk through this new door that had opened up to us.

    Saying yes to this process was creating an opportunity for new life. It was an opening to another experience that the hand of life was extending in my direction.

    Still, there was much uncertainty in daring to venture onto this new path of assisted reproduction. The series of legal and medical steps seemed enormous before we actually experienced them. But each step leading up to the actual procedure went better than expected.

    Now after two unsuccessful outcomes, I have had to again re-adjust to a different reality than the one I had come to embrace. It has been a process—releasing what should have been in order to accept what is.

    “The odds are in your favor,” the doctor had originally said. I knew there were no guarantees, but I hadn’t truly considered this daunting possibility. Why then was I led down this road of uncertainty? 

    I have come to see that at times there is no definite answer to the question “why?” Life is not a straight, newly paved highway where we can clearly see in the distance. Even when we intuitively get a glimpse of what’s ahead, we still have to deal with how best to get to where we hope to be.

    Instead, life appears to be more of a dance with its twists and turns. There is a rhythm and flow to each step, even though we may not yet be comfortable with all the transitions. Each movement leads to a fuller expression of our greatest potential. 

    How do we best learn this dance? Experience is the greatest teacher I know. Still, we need guidance. Life is not a solo act.

    Here are five guiding principles to assist you in your dance with uncertainty:

    1. Practice integrity, intention, and purpose.

    That is the basic choreography. It requires that you pay close attention to your beliefs, thoughts, words, choices, and actions. What lends purpose and meaning to your life? Natural talent matters, but practice is what develops skill.

    Integrity: Be honest in all aspects of your life. Seek to know who you are and who you ultimately want to be.

    Intention: Be clear about what you most desire and take steps in the direction of your dreams.

    Purpose: Know why you want this new reality. Does it add meaning to your life?

    2. Be flexible. 

    See every challenging step as an occasion to stretch. Stand tall as you grow in resilience. Breathe deeply and rise to the occasion when presented with new choreography.

    3. Know when to “freestyle.”

    Freestyle is improvisational dance. We are creative beings and while there are necessary steps to be taken, there is still plenty of room for spontaneity and artistic expression.

    Take risks and embrace your unique style. You might step on a few toes, but always remain true to what is essential in you.

    4. Trust your partner.

    Whether you practice a traditional religion or view spirituality in universal terms, trust life to lead the way. Unleash your greatest effort and then relax into the arms of grace.

    Know that there is divine order to this dance we call life. Whatever is meant to happen, will. Whatever is meant to be, will be. Do what is within your power and surrender the rest.

    5. Enjoy the dance.

    Life is meant to be fun. Lighten up and release the need to get it right the first time. Perfection is subjective and trophies collect dust. Laugh at yourself and keep moving. It will all come together. At times, better than you expected.

    Photo by Angela Gonzalez

  • Scared to Try: Moving Beyond the Paralysis of Perfectionism

    Scared to Try: Moving Beyond the Paralysis of Perfectionism

    “Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” ~Isabel Allende

    I am a recovering perfectionist.

    Up until now, this is the only way I’ve known how to live. The thrilling burn of perfection invaded every aspect of my life to the point that I became paralyzed by fear. If I couldn’t do it right, I didn’t want to do it at all.

    When I was younger, I allowed the desire for perfection to control all of my actions. In music, if I couldn’t sit first chair, I didn’t want to play an instrument at all. In sports, if I couldn’t play first singles, I wanted to put the tennis racket down.

    All of the choices I made reflected back on what I could do perfectly.

    Several things happened.

    First, I was never satisfied. Even when I was the best, I was always looking over my shoulder at someone else who wanted my spot. I also doubted my accomplishments and thought, “Anyone could’ve done this.”

    Second, my admirable drive to succeed transformed into something ugly. I became paralyzed by fear. If I couldn’t play my scales perfectly, I stopped practicing for fear of hitting a wrong note.

    And then the fear turned into anxiety. I fretted about going on auditions because someone who doesn’t know her scales certainly isn’t going to get chosen for first chair. I was stuck between the wanting and the work.

    I wanted to be the best, but I didn’t want to work at something that I might not ever achieve. The threat of failure was too much to bear.

    As I got older, my perfectionism made me more and more miserable. Reasonable goals that were attainable as a child morphed into more challenging goals that were more difficult to achieve as an adult. My ultimate goal: I wanted the perfect life.

    Wanting more, yet full of fear, I continued to eagerly seek the promise of perfection. As if to spite these desires, my world got smaller and smaller. Finally, I stopped taking any action.

    If I couldn’t be a best-selling author, I wasn’t going to write a word. If I couldn’t run as fast as the person next to me, I’d get off the treadmill. If I couldn’t decorate my house just like the pictures in glossy magazines, I wouldn’t put anything on the walls.

    And it got worse. If I couldn’t have the perfect house, I’d live in a cluttered mess. If I couldn’t be the perfect size, I’d stuff my face. If I couldn’t be the fastest and the best and the most perfect and the brightest and the shiniest and the most beautiful, I just wouldn’t do any of it.

    So you see, instead of living comfortably in the middle of perfection and failure, I went completely the other direction. Because my world was black and white—either I was successful in everything that I touched or I was an utter failure. I couldn’t live in the grey space. I couldn’t be happy with my effort—with the thrill of just trying something new.

    Finally, I came to the point where there was only one thing that I wanted to do because I knew I could do it perfectly.

    What was this magic thing that I could do without any threat of failure?

    Walk the dog.

    I could walk that dog for a solid fifteen minutes and do everything right. I’d put on that leash, walk up and down the block, give her time to do her business, pick up the business in a baggie, and return home. I was a solid A dog walker.

    But boy was I unsatisfied.

    I had dreams and passions and hopes and aspirations. But I didn’t dare touch any of those things for fear of failure. I couldn’t bear the sting of defeat.

    So I walked and walked and walked that dog. I was neglecting my other interests, which would pop into my mind and quickly get pushed out, but my joyous, tail-wagging, tongue-lolling dog certainly loved every second of it.

    And then I learned two life-changing lessons.

    My first lesson came from my dog. Just watching her pure joy of life—her contentedness to just be—had a positive effect on me. Instead of focusing on being the best dog on the block, she drank in the sunshine and set her sights on appreciating her surroundings.

    That contented dog has taught me more about life that I ever thought possible.

    My second lesson came from a day at our town’s street fair. The organizers brought in a rock-climbing wall, and I plopped down near the wall to eat a snack. I watched the kids excitedly scurry to the top and come whizzing back down.

    One girl, about ten years old, made her way to the front of the line. She got strapped into a harness and approached the wall.

    What came next was painful to watch. She tried climbing the wall and stumbled again and again. One step up, one step down.

    She couldn’t grab a foothold, and the other kids waiting their turn started to become anxious. To my amazement, she didn’t seem to notice her detractors. One step up, one step down.

    She went on like this—without making an ounce of a progress—for a good ten minutes. By this point, the kids behind her became loud and restless. They wanted her to stop trying—to stop wasting everyone’s time.

    But she kept on. One step up, one step down. Watching her perseverance, something I didn’t have at my age and certainly didn’t have at eight years old, made me cry.

    I was so proud of this little girl—this stranger who reminded me of the person I wish I had been. Even if I couldn’t be the best, I wish I tried.

    Finally, tired and sweaty, she backed away from the wall. Instead of looking defeated, she had a huge smile on her face. She turned around and ran towards her mom.

    “Mom,” she cried. “I almost did it! Can I try again later?”

    And with those simple words, I was a changed person—a recovering perfectionist.

  • 4 Powerful Questions to Free You from the Daze of Fear and Inaction

    4 Powerful Questions to Free You from the Daze of Fear and Inaction

    Deep Thought

    “The lives we lead have everything to do with the questions we ask ourselves.” ~Lori Deschene

    You lay in bed night after night, tossing and turning, eager to push forward but unable to shake off the onslaught of what-ifs.

    What if I’m making a huge mistake? What if I fail utterly and miserably? What if I’m overestimating my ability to go through with this? What-if…? What-if…?

    Yet, no matter how crazy your anxiety and fears seem right now, you can snap out of it and make that new start you so desperately desire.

    How do I know?

    Let me tell you a little story…

    The Grand Decision to Quit a Great Job

    Two years ago, on a day that started like any other, I got an unexpected call from my husband from the hospital. “Don’t worry. They just want to run some tests before letting me go,” he said.

    He ended up having a four-hour emergency procedure followed by complications that landed him in the ICU for four days. Then a week of recuperation at home, followed by another mad dash to the emergency room.

    We needed weeks to get back to the “new” normal. Slowly the truth sunk in—my husband will likely live to a ripe old age, but he has a chronic condition and we’ll always have an invisible sword hanging over our heads.

    Something in me changed irrevocably after that incident.

    I set out on a crazy journey that has transformed into a complete overhaul of our lives. Part of the change process was my decision to quit the job that paid well, but sapped the life out of me.

    I planned every waking hour to discover an alternate way to earn a modest livelihood while living a life of purpose. I saved diligently and prepared my family and friends for what was to come.

    Then, ever so slowly, it was time. I set a date to resign.

    The Moment of Truth

    It took me two years from the time of my husband’s hospitalization to get to this point. You’d think I’d be excited and thrilled, right?

    Instead, an intense anxiety attack seized me. It took me completely by surprise. I couldn’t sleep. A slew of what-ifs threatened to wash away my resolute decision.

    In desperation, I brought it up with my mentor Jon Morrow. Jon got me to ask myself a few questions that finally snapped me out of the paralyzing grip of fear and anxiety.

    Question 1: Be a pessimist for five minutes. What’s the worst that can happen?

    My first reaction was: Why, the world will come to an end!

    But even in my crazy, anxious state, that sounded too dramatic and exaggerated. So, I tackled the what-ifs.

    I could be making a big mistake. But I’d still have my resume, work experience, and the good relationship with my (soon to be ex-) colleagues. If it was indeed a mistake, I could always go back and get a regular job. A little humbling, but not quite the end of the world.

    I’ll fail utterly and miserably. At making money—possibly, yes. But with other things—like trying to become a better person, a better parent, and creating a better world starting with my family first—there’s no failing. As for the money, again I could just go back to a regular job. Nowhere near the end of the world.

    I’m overestimating my ability to go through with this. OK, that’s just whining. Enough, already!

    So, ask yourself: What if all your what-ifs came true? What is the worst that can happen?

    Question 2: What will happen if you don’t make the change?

    I suddenly had this vision of a rich bride on the way to the altar to marry a poor bloke she desperately loved, get married, and live happily ever after in a tiny cottage, wearing the same two gingham dresses all her life—or bolt back to the comfort of her rich parents but be wretched for the rest of her life.

    Frankly, neither option looked very enticing.

    But if I had to make a choice, I think I would rather go ahead with the marriage. I could always spruce up that cottage and, heck, maybe even make a fine fashion accessory with the hay from the barn. Or something.

    So, ask yourself: Why did you want to make the change in the first place? What do you stand to lose if you don’t make the change?

    Question 3: What’s the real reason for your anxiety?

    I had no rational reason to feel anxious; I had covered pretty much all the bases.

    Or so I thought.

    As I dug deeper though, I realized my anxiety was essentially an identity crisis.

    I had spent the better part of the last 20 years being an engineer, and in the pursuit of making money.

    And here I was, on the verge of throwing that away. And with it, my old identity.

    While the rational part of me was okay with it, and even looking forward to it, a core part of me found it hard to let go.

    So, ask yourself: Are there any obvious reasons for your anxiety? If not, are there any underlying reasons that you may not have recognized yet?

    Question 4: What little step can you take now to get started?

    I knew switching my identities overnight was unrealistic. So, I took steps to slowly ease into my new identity.

    I took two days off each week and on those days, I wrote articles for blogs that I admired (just like this one) and interacted with their audiences. This let me test-drive being a blogger—my new identity—without actually having my own blog.

    I immersed myself in books on self-help and parenting, the topic of my future blog.

    I interacted with other bloggers through comments, emails, forums, and Facebook groups.

    And with each passing week, my anxiety shrank.

    So, ask yourself: What can you do right now to see the other side of change, in spite of the anxiety? Who can you reach out to that can help you quiet the negative inner voice?

    Finally, at the end of March, I walked into my manager’s office and handed in my two weeks’ notice. I felt calm. I felt in control. We had a nice chat and wished each other luck.

    Bottom Line

    In the end it all comes down to one thing: change isn’t easy.

    Despite your best-laid plans, you will have a few very low points. Your chances of success are often a result of how well you respond to them.

    This—the fear, the anxiety and the panic of starting—is just one of the low points.

    If you can beat this fear, you will not just succeed at making a new start now, but you’ll significantly improve your chances of surviving through all the future lows.

    So, what’s it going to be? Ready to ask yourself some tough questions?

    After all, what’s the worst that could happen?

    Photo by Chang’r

  • Overcoming the Fear of Taking a Risk: Just Do It

    Overcoming the Fear of Taking a Risk: Just Do It

    Jumping

    “Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” ~Isabelle Allende

    About eight months ago I hitched a ride to Buenos Aires, Argentina via a one way ticket with the love of my life. It wasn’t as easy as it sounds. I wasn’t throwing things in my suitcase and cashing out my bank account while kissing friends and family goodbye, sayin’ “See ya!”

    My boyfriend and I were recent graduates at wits end suffering economic woes with no place to go. We had always wanted to go abroad to teach English, but weren’t sure where we’d end up.

    At one o’clock in the morning after an argument over my apprehension, I just told him to book the tickets and I’d feel better.

    Well, I thought I’d feel better. We finally booked our long anticipated flight. Champagne wasn’t popped and confetti didn’t cascade to the floor. I sat on the bed wondering why I felt so petrified to go. It had been a childhood dream of mine to travel abroad.

    It was rather terrifying, and for the first time in my life I was afraid of an adventure.

    Surprisingly, as I looked at our online itinerary my stomach sank. Nausea filled my days when I looked around knowing I was going to leave everything I knew.

    I rationalized every excuse to get out of going but I reminded myself to persevere and that everything would work out. But the questions still popped up in my mind.

    Was I making a mistake? Was this risk going to be worth every penny and hardship?

    The night before our flight my stomach was curling into knots and my mind was a twisted mess. I tried telling myself to calm down and to just take the risk. I knew that if I could just get my butt into my window seat that everything would be fine. But even then my fear didn’t subside.

    It wasn’t until the plane took off that I realized I had done it. I was twenty thousand miles in the air, and nine hours ahead of me was awaiting an entirely different world. But the fear was ever present. After a week of being a tourist, the fear remained hidden under a layer of excitement.

    I couldn’t sleep, I was thousands of miles from home, only able to utter a few phrases in Spanish that I remembered from middle school.

    I stayed in the apartment as much as possible because I was afraid to go out and communicate with others, let alone take a bus by myself and get lost some bad part of town.

    With time, the fear slowly dissolved, the unfamiliar became familiar. We found jobs and an apartment within three weeks of arrival, a blessing considering we had no idea what we’d do when we got there. I had kept on despite my reluctance and faked a smile when I wanted to scream and run.

    Everything worked out because I kept a positive affirmation despite the fear.

    Many of my friends made excuses for themselves by letting me know how easy it was for me to just up and leave to a foreign country because of my circumstances, especially having a boyfriend who spoke fluent Spanish.

    Yes, some of the opportunities I was afforded made the journey easier, but we worked our butts off, sold everything we owned, and packed up our few belongings into plastic bins.

    My boyfriend, who is an optimist, was ecstatic and I looked calm because I wanted everyone else to believe that I was confident in my decision to up and leave.

    From most people’s expressions and comments they didn’t believe we’d commit to actually boarding the plane, but I surprised everyone and even myself when I handed the boarding pass to the attendant and shook the pilots hand as I entered the plane.

    The fear crippled my mind, but my legs managed to carry me to my seat.

    Of Course There Will Be Doubt

    Despite my crippling fear, sleepless nights, and fake demeanor, I knew deep down that I needed to take the risk; after all, that’s why it’s called a risk. Of course as with any life changing decision, you will doubt yourself.

    You think Neil and Buzz weren’t freaking out before they got into an eight-ton firecracker that was going to take three days to get to the moon? They didn’t even know if they’d sink elbow deep in moon dust, but they took one small step for man, and an even greater leap for mankind.

    I am sure that despite the years of preparation and endless simulations, they still had a sleepless night before one of humanity’s biggest risks.

    Most people who take risks are kidding themselves if they don’t doubt themselves a teeny tiny bit. So do yourself a favor and take one small step toward your goal despite your apprehensions and gut-wrenching fear.

    Fake It Until You Make It

    Like I did, and so many other risk takers do, you have to fake it until you make it. It sounds cliché but it holds a boatload of truth. Use reverse psychology on yourself. You’re your own worst enemy. Tell yourself and others that you are confident about taking the risk and notice how your apprehension will dissolve.

    Nurture the Positives, not the Fear

    Print out some pictures of your risk and tape them on your ceiling so when you wake up with cold sweats, you can remind yourself that you are going to do what it is that you set out to do. I put pictures of Patagonia as my desktop screensaver to remind me of the beauty I would experience in Argentina.

    Write a pros list and forget the cons. Focus on the major pros. Cons can always be worked through.

    Whether it is lack of money, not knowing the language, being thousands of miles away from home, I knew that it was what I had always wanted to do and I could find money by selling all my things, or start learning basic phrases or use Skype to talk to friends and family. There is a positive to every negative.

    No Excuses: Just Do It

    Even worse, don’t make excuses about why you shouldn’t do it. Nowadays, we make excuses for everything. I’m too busy, I don’t have the money, or I don’t want to disappoint others. Make every excuse why you should do it.

    Despite my crippling fear which gave me many sleepless nights, I stuck with it and kept telling myself “We already bought the tickets.” Like the Nike slogan, I needed to “Just Do It.” Perpetual excuses will pour from your mouth, but remember fear shouldn’t be a chain holding you back.

    Don’t let fear paralyze you; close your eyes and imagine that everything will work out.

    Don’t expect the unexpected and focus on what could go well. Just as life will have its highs and lows, taking a risk comes with excitement and terror. Fear is only natural when taking a risk. So go on! Jump out of that plane (with a parachute of course) into the world of your dreams.

    Photo by _overanalyzer

  • Find the Courage to Be You: 4 Ways To Live Authentically

    Find the Courage to Be You: 4 Ways To Live Authentically

    Feeling Free

    “Live your beliefs and you can turn the world around.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    Authenticity is a buzzword these days. We hear all kinds of advice on how to live it, breathe it, and get more of it. Maybe this is because we are actually drowning in inauthenticity.

    Advertising bombards us with promises of bigger, better, faster, and easier. But the dream life of effortless comfort and problems that fix themselves is just a fantasy, a running away from the truth of life:

    Everything is impermanent.

    Right now, at this moment, this life is all we have.

    More and more people are fearlessly embracing this truth. As a result they are living their lives in accord with what their hearts are telling them rather than what the dominant paradigm dictates as “safe,” “normal,” and “true.”

    People are beginning to live their dreams with more passion and purpose than ever before. The focus isn’t on money or the accumulation of things but on living with integrity. And though it’s not the always the easier road, they are far happier for it.

    This is the kind of happiness we all crave. I know I do.

    We know in our hearts that there is something missing in our lives these days. But we also know that life can be rich, deeply satisfying, and meaningful.

    I just got back from a yearlong sabbatical in India.

    At the end of it all, I was riding the overnight bus from Dharamsala to Delhi on my way home.

    In front of me were a dwindling savings account and an uncertain future. But as I looked out the window at the Himalayas shrinking into the distance, I didn’t feel one scrap of regret at all.

    I had done what I has set out to do, and I felt more satisfaction and sense of accomplishment than I had at any other time in my life.

    Five years ago, if you had told me I would be living in a foreign country, learning a foreign language, I would have laughed in your face. I was so bogged down with my own insecurities and fears that I couldn’t even have imagined such a thing.

    I lived my dream of spending a year in India because I worked hard on making it happen. I set a clear goal and faced all of the challenges to that goal with an open mind and the determination to overcome them.

    But most importantly, I listened to my heart.

    My heart told me this: I had to do it. And what’s more, if I didn’t I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.

    But learning how to listen to your heart takes practice and effort. It’s not as simple as it sounds. But it’s not impossible either.

    So what are some steps you can take to start listening to your heart and living a more authentic life?

    Here are four of them that work for me.

    1.  Slow down.

    Slowing down is a meme that seems to be (ironically, very quickly) working it’s way through the culture these days.

    Supposedly, we need to be taking it easier, to be letting go of the compulsion to work ourselves to the bone every hour of our lives.

    But one look out the window during rush hour traffic and we see that’s exactly what most of us are still doing.

    It’s not that we shouldn’t work hard or be productive. Goodness knows, as a writer I’ve got to spend a lot of time in the chair.

    But we need to honor the fact that down time is essential if we really want to get in touch with our authentic selves.

    So listen to this: Finish this article then take a long, deep breath. Close your laptop and go for a walk. Go in a direction you’ve never taken before and just take your sweet time.

    Give yourself some space to be you.

    2. Unplug.

    We live in a world drenched in information. Whatever we want to know, we can find out instantly. This can be very exciting and even useful.

    But one of the things that prevent us from staying in touch with our true selves is the constant barrage of cultural programing we are dosed with everyday.

    Advertisements, news programs, and television shows all tell us what and how to think, what products to buy, what opinions are in style, what life goals we should be achieving.

    It’s not necessarily that Big Brother is watching us, but it’s good to unplug from all of this from time to time and give your own voice a chance to pipe in.

    So take a break from the intake of information. Pick a time during the day, or even a whole day off during the week, to turn off the computer, the television, the radio.

    Take some time to listen to what you really think and feel.

    3. Explore and experiment.

    Part of the reason that we live inauthentic lives is that we get stuck in a rut. We lull ourselves into a false sense of security by following the same old routines.

    New ideas and experiences are what keep us fresh and alive. Our authentic selves thrive on them, and when we expose ourselves to new things we have the opportunity to grow.

    Visiting new places, putting ourselves in new situations, exposing ourselves to new points of view can all challenge us to understand who you truly are.

    So get out of your rut. Even if it just begins with ordering something different off the lunch menu, make an effort to keep an open mind to what possibilities are out there waiting for you.

    4. Cultivate fearlessness.

    Living authentically doesn’t always mean a life of comfort and bliss. Often it means just the opposite.

    When we show our true selves to the world, when we dare to live our dreams, we might just run into many obstacles we didn’t expect.

    We might experience ridicule. We might find that our authentic life isn’t what we expected at all.

    We might even “fail.”

    But what is “failure” but the opportunity to learn and grow?

    If you are truly being authentic then you may find that even the falling down is more fulfilling than anything that’s normally considered to be “success.”

    So work with challenges from a place of fearlessness. Know that even if you fall down, this is impermanent too. You can always get up and start anew.

    Living authentically takes courage and bravery. During the past year in India I met a lot of inspiring people.

    Some of them had packed up their families to pursue their dreams of traveling the world. Some were there were, like me, learning a new language only because they knew it would enrich their lives.

    Many more were devoting themselves to a spiritual way of life that, despite its uncertainty and difficulty, was far more fulfilling than anything they had tried before.

    I truly believe that we all have this kind of courage and bravery hiding somewhere inside us. And if you just take the time to look, you will find that you do too.

    Photo by Summer Skyes 11

  • Find Peace Today: Stop Worrying About What You Might Lose

    Find Peace Today: Stop Worrying About What You Might Lose

    Present Moment

    “The whole life of a man is but a point in time; let us enjoy it.” ~ Plutarch

    Take a moment to think about the last time you stared up into a clear night sky, one that was gorged with stars and seemed to go on forever—one where the longer you stared, the more depth appeared.

    How did you feel in that moment? Did you feel calm? Scared? Alone? Completely content? Did you wish you could stay in that moment forever?

    Skies like that give me an incredible sense of peace and remind me to breathe deeply and contemplate how our lives are simultaneously overwhelmingly vast and incredibly finite.

    Over the years, I have struggled with allowing people to get close to me for fear of losing them the way I had lost so many before.

    After an adoption, the unexpected death of my adopted mother, my best friend, several family members, and the smattering of broken relationships, I built a solid wall against anyone who looked like they wanted to be near me.

    I finally came to terms with the fact that in the end, most people who come into our lives will leave in some way or another—sometimes by choice and sometimes not, but their presence is what matters, not their absence.

    What’s important is realizing that each moment we have with those we love is of infinite value, and we must enjoy the time we have with them while we have it instead of being so afraid we’ll lose them that we’re never really with them even when they are here.

    If we’re so engulfed in the potential for loss, we’ll not only miss the lessons each experience can bring to our lives, but the joy it has to offer. Our happiness will sit in front of us waiting for us to recognize its face and we’ll look past it like a stranger.

    People spend an exorbitant amount of time, energy, and resources on attempting to hold back aging as it is a reminder of our mortality. It reminds us that there is no permanence, so we frantically fight to find ways to extend the length of our lives, but how many focus on deepening the quality?

    Why not slow down and realize we are immortal only in the moment we are in—this moment we inhabit contains our entire past and all of our potential and possibility for the future that may or may not arrive.

    Let’s fill this time we have now with all that we are instead of fighting for more and never actually doing anything with it. It’s like collecting a bunch of empty jars but never putting anything in them. 

    I know it can be terrifying to let go and be present in the moment because we think we have to control everything; we have to be prepared for loss, for disappointment, for heartache. We don’t want it to creep up and take us by surprise, but here’s the thing: no matter what we do to prepare, we’ll never be ready for it when it comes.

    The best we can do is fully embrace the only thing we know to be certain, and that is the current moment we inhabit. This very second as you’re reading these words, you know that you are alive.

    And no matter what’s going on in your life, your life is a miracle. Right. This. Second. Your living is an amazing orchestration of a billion and one complex systems that enables you to breathe, to think, to have a heartbeat, to learn, to grow, and to love.

    It’s hard to not fear losing others. It’s hard to not fear losing ourselves, but fear is what drives away our peace, joy, and love.

    Learning to retrain our thoughts so we don’t dwell on our fear of the unknown future and grounding into the present will help us shift our focus from loss to abundance.

    When we focus on loss, it feels as though we’re always lacking and we worry we’ll lose what we have. When we focus on abundance, we recognize that our lives are full and we cultivate the faith that each moment we’re alive, we will have what we need.

    Additionally, when we focus on abundance, a sense of gratitude seems to naturally follow. How could we recognize how full our lives are and not be grateful?

    When we are grateful for the moment we are in, we will find our lives are long enough—no matter how many years they contain.

    Photo by pdam2

  • Why You Aren’t Living Your Dreams and What to Do About It

    Why You Aren’t Living Your Dreams and What to Do About It

    “Your belief determines your action and your action determines your results, but first you have to believe.” ~Mark Victor Hansen

    Screech!

    The car engine’s loud revving got quiet. The tires came to a screeching halt.

    This towering, slender, intimidating man, with a beard like the skin of a shaved porcupine, shut the driver side door behind him and approached me with thunder.

    “Is this what you’re doing?!” he demanded. “On the corner—with a girl?”

    It wasn’t her fault, but his expression almost made me turn around and look at her with utter disgust.

    Instead, I was too busy quieting the butterflies in my stomach, looking up everywhere into his chiseled face except his eyes. His head blocked the sun like a solar eclipse on that urban street while his eyes burned a hole in my forehead.

    “You’re going to throw away the championship for this.”

    Never explicitly saying out loud what I did wrong, as he put me to shame, it made the unspoken truth stab my heart like a dagger, over and over, especially because I had deep admiration for this man.

    As he walked away from the sidewalk concrete and drove off, I caught a glimpse of his long hairy calves in my peripheral vision and stared into the black pavement in deep contemplation.

    Yanking my arm away from the hot girl next to me, like an annoyed child from an overprotective parent, I walked up the block and took the bus home.

    I was sixteen when my tennis coach, this amazing man, taught me my first lesson in what it really meant to walk away from a grand vision you have in life, and the price you pay on your personal growth when doing so.

    My sin: I had stopped showing up for tennis practice with two weeks left to a championship game that depended on my performance.

    But why did I do that? And why do so many of us fail to do the things we want to do, resort to our old ways, and ignore our glorious vision in life?

    Luck

    A study by Janssen and Carton demonstrated how what scientists call the “locus of control” affects how timely we do things.

    No, locus of control isn’t that awesome pose at yoga class! It’s our perspective on what’s really  responsible for the outcome of things.

    Do we take personal responsibility for things that happen in our lives and have an inner locus of control? Or, do we blame it all on luck and circumstance, otherwise known as having an external locus of control?

    They gave forty-two students a homework assignment and found that students who had an inner locus of control started and returned assignments sooner, while those with an external locus of control started and returned assignments later.

    We procrastinate more when we blame luck and circumstance for the results we get and avoid taking personal responsibility for what we want to achieve.

    That’s what I did.

    I hung out with my new girlfriend instead of going to practice so that I could retrospectively blame her in the event that I lost the championship. I have a girlfriend now, and she’s taking up my time. That’s why I’ll lose. It’s not because I didn’t take full personal responsibility. It’s her fault.

    My tennis coach was trying to teach me the locus of control at the time, when the locus of other “things” controlled me more.

    Fear and Limiting Beliefs

    Research suggests a variety of reasons on why we fail to do things we want to do, but two stand out.

    1. Fear of the unknown.

    We can’t predict the outcome and the consequences it will have on our self-esteem. We do what we usually do to prevent our self-esteem from getting damaged.

    2. The belief that we’ll perform better at a later date when we’re “more prepared,” which will likely never come.

    This causes us to engage in indecision—on purpose, to validate our stalling.

    In my case, I dated a new girl and stopped practicing to avoid feeling bad in the event that I lost the championship. I knew that I would win the girl, but wasn’t sure about the game, so I focused on the easy win.

    Our human tendency to want to be right, certain, and safe can overshadow doing the hard work, breaking bad habits, and getting something we desperately want.

    Old Conditioning

    On Psychology Today, Ray Williams suggests that the brain is protective over its current habitual patterns. Achieving something new will require new behavior, and the brain will try to resist new patterns to protect its old conditioning.

    The brain is also wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain and fear.

    “When fear of failure creeps into the mind… it commences a de-motivator with a desire to return to known, comfortable behavior and thought patterns,” he writes.

    Before you set out on a journey to achieve something, you must pay attention to the triggers that will happen in your mind, because your mind could derail you.

    The most important factor in overcoming your mind’s tendency to keep you in your comfort zone is awareness.

    The more aware you are of how your brain is conditioned and the lifestyle it’s trying to protect, the better equipped you’ll be to take action.

    When my brain tries to make me curl back to comfort, I whisper to it, “Stop it! We must do this! Think about what we could gain in the long run.”

    Awareness

    While many “gurus” might tell people to wake up earlier, set priorities, and plan better in order to work toward their dreams, these tactics alone do not always help.

    Why? Because it’s our mental conditioning that’s holding us back, and that’s what we need to change. It’s our fear of the future, and often, our lack of personal responsibility that keeps us from taking action, not the failure to create to-do lists and wake up at a specified time.

    Keep a vigilant watch at how your mind will try to take you back to your old ways. This is the only way to change your conditioning.

    Changing your mind and spirit first, letting go of fear of outcomes, and challenging your old conditioning may revolutionize the way you live so that you own up to what you want to do—and then do it.

  • 5 Steps to Make Change Work for You

    5 Steps to Make Change Work for You

    “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” ~Alan Watts

    Life is a free-flowing, ever changing river. Riding the rapids is frightening, and the temptation to avoid it is alluring. However, the adventure it promises is equally attractive.

    We are naturally primed to adapt. Yet, the possibility of having to give up what is familiar is daunting. It can leave one paralyzed, disoriented, and unable to move forward.

    In my childhood, my family kept moving across cities and often within the same city. By the time I was ten, I had lived in three cities, in two different states, in about ten different residences, and had studied in seven different schools. A period of apparent stability followed this nomadic phase of my life.

    When I decided to get married, I had been living in the same city for about fifteen years. I had a job, a daily routine, a solid social circle, and everything else that speaks of a “settled” life. I was absolutely snug in the center of my comfort zone!

    Perhaps that is why the thought of moving to a new city post-marriage made me apprehensive.

    Marriage, in itself, is a huge life change. I knew full well that it would usher in a plethora of new roles, responsibilities, and demands.

    In addition to this, living away from my family, my friends, and everything that was familiar to me was a rather intimidating challenge.

    The doubts that my family and friends expressed with regards to my ability to adjust added to my anxiety. I started to have second thoughts about getting married.

    At the same time the idea of giving up on a wonderful man just because I was too afraid to make a few changes in my life seemed ridiculous. In the end, I decided in favor of getting married and moving to a new city—one that was very different from what I was used to.

    Two years later, I know I’ve made the right decision. Having taken on the challenge called “change,” I have made it work for me. In retrospect, I can describe the process of successful change as having five discrete steps/stages.

    1. Reaffirmation of self-belief.

    I had to trust myself. Handing in my resignation letter without having another job lined up was one of the toughest things I’ve had to do.

    I gave myself the confidence that I was skilled, and I would be able to find another job no matter where I went. I believed that no matter where life took me, I would find a way to put down roots and thrive.

    2. The willingness to move out of your comfort zone.

    It’s difficult and it takes a lot of courage to let go of the people, places, and things that we’re used to. These are emotional anchors that keep us rooted. They give us a feeling of security.

    To successfully make a change, however, one must be willing to let go and accept the ensuing discomfort—which is usually short lived and worth the trouble when you take the benefits into consideration.

    Accepting discomfort does not mean that you should disregard the unpleasant aspects of the situation and focus only on the positive. In fact, we may find nothing to like. Acknowledging the negatives is a better strategy than denial, and was in fact the third step I took toward making a smooth transition.

    3. Acknowledge what you don’t like.

    When we are open about what we dislike like about the situation, it presents us with opportunities for problem solving. There are many things that I don’t like about the city I live in now. However, acknowledging these things has enabled me to work around these issues.

    Of course, I didn’t do any of this in a hurry.

    When we juggle too many balls, we’re bound to drop a couple. Each one of us has our own momentum at which we are able to make adjustments.

    4. Find your own pace.

    As a new bride, my initial focus was on getting to know my new family better. From there I moved on to getting to know my immediate neighbors and locality well. I took my time to settle down before I started working again and exploring the city as a whole.

    This steady pace gave me the time to appreciate the positives—the final step.

    5. Appreciate everything you’ve gained.

    I began to notice that making the change had opened up a whole new world to me. This was a great opportunity to meet new people and to discover new places!

    Quitting my well-paying job—something that I dreaded before—became a blessing in disguise. I had always wanted to be a learning and development professional; however, I had been working as a marketing executive.

    Quitting my job in marketing in order to shift to the new city, though unpleasant, had now given me the perfect opportunity to make the desired shift in my career as well.

    A happy family life, a dream job, and the time to pursue my interest in writing—these are the greatest gifts that I have received as a result of making this change.

    When we begin to see the good that is the outcome of the change, we know that we have been successful in making a transition.

    Change can be unpleasant, uninvited, and unwanted. But every change opens a door to possibilities that can leave us pleasantly surprised. Whether or not we can take advantage of it depends on how we approach the new situation we find ourselves in.

    The best part about being human is that we have the ability to adapt consciously—by altering the situation that we are in or by adjusting to the circumstances. When seen through these lenses, change is not something to be feared and avoided. Rather, it becomes a tool for growth and self-development.

    We can make change work for us.

    Photo by Alaskan Dude

  • Why Enthusiasm Trumps Worrying When It Comes to Reaching Goals

    Why Enthusiasm Trumps Worrying When It Comes to Reaching Goals

    Sunrise Jump

    “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy.” ~Leo Buscaglia

    They say the greatest joy in life is to be able to live your passion every day, and I only had to look to my teens to remember that what I had always enjoyed doing most—working out. That’s where I wanted to go in life.

    Held hostage by worries about the future, status, and money, I decided to head on a different path. I did well in college, graduating with a business degree and a double major in finance and accounting.

    A few years later, it was clear that something was off. So last year, I made the big decision to pursue my passion in fitness by becoming a certified personal trainer. The start of the year was full of energy and joy. I was glad that I had finally found my direction, something that I wholeheartedly wanted to do.

    I was a man on a mission. By the end of August, I had accomplished my task by taking all the exams and passing the instructor competency evaluation.

    Whew, I thought.

    All I had to do now was wait for a letter of approval and a wallet card to make it official.

    But, what was supposed to take a few weeks ended up taking more than two months. This was the kink in my momentum.

    Before I ran into this speed bump, I had everything all carefully and strategically planned out. After I became an accredited personal trainer, it would be “go” time.

    Then, while waiting for my accreditation to come through, I felt stuck. I couldn’t start taking clients. I just waited. And with extra time on my hands, I started to think.

    This thinking was good at first; I laid out my plans and business strategically. But the more I thought about my personal training business, the more I started to worry.

    My worries soon manifested into fear and doubt. I started to feel sick, both inside and out. It wasn’t long before the slow days gave way to questions. Did I give up pursuing a career in the finance industry for this? Was this all a mistake? (more…)

  • When You Feel Terrified: Come Out of the Panic Zone

    When You Feel Terrified: Come Out of the Panic Zone

    Meditation

    “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

    Are you as scared as I am?

    I’m terrified.

    I’m not talking horror movie terrified either. This isn’t the kind of scared where you jump, but then realize it’s just your friend who’s surprised you. This isn’t even the kind of scared when you realize you left your iPhone in a public bathroom.

    This is the kind of scared where your gut churns and churns. You feel shaky, hungry, and out of sorts. It’s a visceral, palpable fear.

    Who’s Afraid Of the Big Bad… ?

    You’re probably wondering what it is that I’m so afraid of. Perhaps my house is haunted? It isn’t. Perhaps I have a stalker? No. Zombie apocalypse? Seriously, I wouldn’t be blogging at a time like that.

    I’m scared because I’ve decided to work full time on my own business. It’s a big step to start your own company and even bigger when you decide to do it without a  “back-up job” net.  If you have any doubts, let me assure you it’s mind numbingly scary.

    What if I can’t get clients? What if no one wants to read my blog or my books? What if I fail miserably, pathetically? What if my family and girlfriend abandon me because I have shamed them beyond repair?

    Change is Scary

    A bit too dramatic? Yes, very much so, but whenever we start to transform our lives it’s scary. Risk and vulnerability are essential qualities of transformation.

    Deep and fundamental change requires us to step outside of our comfort zone. The trick is not to step too far out. We need challenge, but we don’t need panic.

    Get In The Zones

    There are 3 zones that can describe most of our experiences.

    1. The Cool Zone. This is where we know the landscape, can predict many outcomes, and function with some sense of ease.

    2. The Change Zone. This is where our edges are being pushed, we might feel slightly uncomfortable, and there’s a bit of pressure, but we can handle it.

    3. The PANIC ZONE! This zone is all like AHHHHHH!! We are freaked out and we tend to react, shut down, or run away. (more…)

  • Leaving the Safety of Something Familiar When You Feel Scared

    Leaving the Safety of Something Familiar When You Feel Scared

    Base Jumping

    “To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~Pema Chodron

    Winter is a time for hibernation, I told myself, drinking a second cup of coffee under the duvet, flicking absent-mindedly through old magazines and self-help books bought in a brief conviction that I wouldn’t begin another year reading in bed.

    It seems perverse that, in the Northern Hemisphere at least, this time meant for reunion and resolution (neither of which is easy or straightforward) should occur in the darkest of seasons—when the sun barely even rises and the general inclination is to climb into a hole and only reemerge in spring.

    This year I had returned home after a five-year absence, which had seemed longer. During that time, I had spent Christmases in random parts of Asia that, if listed, would sound romantic and exotic—temples, jungles, and mountains.

    But that time had been largely marked by loneliness and bewilderment at why I always choose to be far from those I’m meant to be closest to.

    Travel, in its constant offering up of newness and discovery, always seems to promise another chance at reinvention. Maybe this is in part why I do it, never having found a version of myself I’m comfortable enough to settle with.

    And yet, once back in familiar surroundings and familiar relationships, it never takes long for this promise to fade and for old habits to reappear. Over the past weeks, I’ve had to keep checking photos, maps, postcards, just to remind myself that what had gone before was in fact something I lived, not merely a dream.

    The previous three months I had been traveling, over-ambitiously combining Thailand, China, and India in an attempt to compensate for a year of teaching in a chaotic Asian city.

    My intention had been to get myself out of the dysfunctional routine I had created while teaching—the six-day work-week, an addiction to HBO and my sofa, overreliance on a few good friends—and throw myself back into Life with a capital L.

    Unfortunately, over the course of the year, I had learned to become a person suited to precisely such a routine, cutting off the part of myself that secretly wanted connection and community even as I hid away.

    After all, old habits die hard. During the acute social phobias of my teens and twenties, I had become skilled at avoidance—often not stepping out onto a street for days on end—and while one of my tough-love strategies for overcoming the fear had been to start working as a teacher and traveling the world, it now became painfully clear that it was still there, still part of the baggage.

    So now I was out of the nest all right, but once more I had completely forgotten how to fly. Learning how to travel again was beautiful, awful, and everything in between. (more…)

  • Learning to Trust: Let Go of Your Fear and Let Your Guard Down

    Learning to Trust: Let Go of Your Fear and Let Your Guard Down

    “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

    In love and in life, our vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths. We often believe that we risk too much by being vulnerable, but, in fact, the opposite is true. When we build a wall around us to protect ourselves from our big, bad fears, we miss out on so much.

    When we live with the mindset that something may be taken from us (physically or emotionally), or that we need to be in control of everything that happens, we endure fear on a daily basis.

    It’s exhausting to live this way. It makes us cynical, suspicious, and unable to follow our hearts because we are afraid of what might happen.

    So what exactly are we protecting ourselves from when our walls are up?

    • Fear of rejection
    • Fear of being ridiculed
    • Fear of failure
    • Fear of being wrong
    • Fear of committing ourselves and having to follow through
    • Fear of being taken advantage of

    These fears are so normal that, unless we become self-aware, they can permeate our everyday interactions. It’s not just about trusting people either, but also life situations and opportunities that come our way. When the barriers are up, our lives become needlessly limited.

    We don’t bother talking to that person because we’re certain they won’t be interested in a date. We don’t show how much we care about a person because we’re afraid they won’t love us back. We don’t go for that job or that course because we’re scared we won’t get an interview.

    Nobody likes to feel exposed, but if you are someone who has suffered at the hands of betrayal, trust issues become even further magnified.

    Learning to be vulnerable after deep pain can feel impossible. But it doesn’t have to be. If you consciously choose to stay open and trusting, you will find that your world changes for the better in ways you may never have imagined. (more…)

  • Share Your Vulnerable Story: Find Strength by Letting Others In

    Share Your Vulnerable Story: Find Strength by Letting Others In

    Holding Hands

    “Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

    In February of 2011, I went to see my doctor because I was suffering from severe headaches that I figured were associated with using computers all day at my law job. After having a few tests, the doctor said that I wasn’t doing well and he suggested that I take a leave from work to focus on my health.

    The next few months, I found myself in and out of doctors’ offices, medical labs, and hospitals on a weekly basis. With a variety of tests already done, my doctor suggested we do an MRI of my brain. I went for my MRI in June of 2011.  

    Weeks passed by after my MRI, and assuming no news was good news, I made plans for my summer. I decided to have a change of scenery and went to San Francisco for a fun summer job that didn’t involve computer work.

    After a great summer there, I was in Toronto in late August for two weeks visiting my parents when I got a call from my neurologist in Vancouver.

    She told me I had a brain tumor.  

    The floor dropped beneath my feet, my heart sank, and my mind raced, contemplating how I would break this news to my parents. I put the phone down, walked into the kitchen, and I told them. We hugged and then we cried.

    In that moment, my life flashed before me. I was 28 years old, single, unemployed, and now, more lost than ever. I didn’t know if I would finish my law license, return to Vancouver, move back into my apartment, or when I would see my friends again.

    But, as it always does, life went on. (more…)

  • We Are More Than What We Do: Allowing Our Authentic Nature to Shine

    We Are More Than What We Do: Allowing Our Authentic Nature to Shine

    Light Will Guide You Home

    “The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is.” ~Unknown

    In this society of ours, parents teach their children to do, to perform, to produce. We learn that to be adult, we need to be “productive members of society.” At social gatherings, more often than not, the first question among strangers is “What do you do?”

    My first memories include identifying so deeply with my movie director father that when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always replied, “A writer and director.”

    Then life happened, and I spent decades acting out the painful and abusive relationship I had with my mother. Although I wrote almost daily, my life settled into a hand-to-mouth survival existence that had nothing to do with writing.

    A string of abusive relationships with men took the place of my unresolved relationship with my mother as I continued to act out the trauma of my youth in a repetitive cycle, all the while trying to keep a roof over my children’s heads and food on the table.

    All thoughts of any kind of career fell away and were replaced by anxiety, depression, and the urgent need to pay this month’s bills.

    When my mother died, much to my surprise she left me everything she had in the world, and I was able to buy a home and live for several years without worrying about money.

    During that time, I quit my job and started to write in earnest. My goal was to publish a memoir about growing up in a motion picture family in Hollywood and share the lessons my childhood taught me about love.

    These are the vastly over-simplified facts of my life. Less obvious was my growing self-identification as “writer” and a subtle yet mounting despair as time passed and I struggled to find a publisher or an agent to represent me.

    Recently, in a rare moment of absolute clarity, I realized that I had come to identify so deeply with the book and the rich and enviable career of my wonderful father that I saw both as extensions of myself. (more…)

  • How to Find Peace When You Feel Scared About What Might Happen

    How to Find Peace When You Feel Scared About What Might Happen

    “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

    I was in shock for about ten minutes after hearing the news, afraid while lying on the procedure table, and relieved when it was over.

    Six months ago I had a mammogram. My checkup was supposed to be for a general mammogram—the one you get when you turn forty—but when I got there and told the technician that two days ago I had discovered a small bump in my right breast, the prescription was changed to a diagnostic one.

    After some time waiting, the doctor came back and said that the small bump in my right breast was benign, but she had found calcifications in my left breast, and that another series of mammograms would be needed in six months.

    Earlier this month I went for my six-month follow-up. After several uncomfortable mammograms, I was told that I would need to have a biopsy (sampling of tissue removed) to determine whether the calcifications were benign.

    It turns out that in 20-30% of the population, calcifications are an indication of cancer.

    After the initial shock wore off, I decided I would get a burrito to eat and not worry about it. I knew that this was an opportunity to grow and I was determined not to miss it.

    Instead of using the two weeks before my biopsy as time to worry, I chose peace and serenity. I spent the time in reflection while de-cluttering my home and focusing on gratitude.

    I was at ease in the space of not knowing whether the calcifications were benign.

    I got the biopsy on November 19th. Two days later, at 12:00pm (the day before Thanksgiving), I received a call with the results of a negative report. Not only was I ecstatic about the results, I was also pleased with how I handled the uncertainty of the whole ordeal.

    What this experience taught me was: (more…)