Tiny Buddha

Tag: Fear

  • Overcoming Fear and Perceived Threats to Work Toward Your Dream

    Overcoming Fear and Perceived Threats to Work Toward Your Dream

    10 Steps for Overcoming the Fear of Making a Change

    “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

    I awoke with a jolt. I heard the steady breathing of my sleeping partner next to me. I checked the clock; it was 3:30 AM. With a deep exhale, while rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I reached out to my bedside table to grab my phone.

    For a moment, I hesitated. I knew that tickets went on sale at 4:00 AM New Zealand Time and that they would be going fast.

    The U.S. event I wanted to attend would require a considerable financial investment (air travel and accommodation in addition to the costly ticket) and, given my track record, I was worried that I’d be wasting my money, once again.

    I looked back at my history of getting really excited about something, only to lose steam halfway through and find all sorts of excuses why it was impossible to continue. How could I be sure this wouldn’t happen again?

    Could I trust this time that fear would not take over and destroy my best intentions?

    I knew that I wasn’t just buying a ticket to an event. From the moment I heard about the conference, I was certain of one thing: I had to be there because I wanted to get up on stage and talk, even though I never thought that I’d have ambitions to be in the public eye, to disrupt the comfort of my calculable days, or to allow those really grand dreams into my consciousness.

    Instantly, after recognizing that I couldn’t shake the desire to talk in front of hundreds of people—in public and in a foreign country—I heard the familiar naysaying voices. Faint at first, they whispered that I should go back to sleep and not waste my money.

    Together, they wondered what excuse I could tell my friend, whom I had promised that I’d be at the event this year. What would be the most plausible reason why I couldn’t go?

    It was undeniable; fear was here. Reliable like the clock that was ticking in my bedroom, fear had crept up to me out of the darkness.

    Now, holding me fully in its grip, it spoke with a booming voice while breathing ice-cold air down my neck.

    “Put your phone away and go back to sleep. Don’t be so stupid,” it hissed. “Money doesn’t grow on trees, don’t waste it on this little fantasy of yours. You’re never going to board that plane anyway, I can tell you now.”

    Fear is one of the most excruciating and potentially destructive encounters we have to face. It is the enemy that attacks us from within.

    While reliable enough for us to know that it will show up, we can never be sure when we will have to brace ourselves. As I was lying in bed at 3:30 AM, phone at the ready with the intention to take the next crucial step towards realizing a long-held dream, fear showed up.

    Its presence usually triggers the following events for me: my heart starts to beat faster, my breathing accelerates, and my body temperature rapidly fluctuates between hot and cold, all while I spiral downward into a mental and emotional abyss, resulting in the total collapse of the dreamer within who triggered it all in the first place.

    Fear puts me in survival mode and pushes aside everything else that has a whimsical, magical, and expansive quality to it.

    I know this sequence so well. Many of us do. So that night, tired of being tossed around by fear-induced tidal waves, I hatched my own four-step process for dealing with fear and transforming it into positive action.

    1. Ask yourself if it’s a real or perceived threat.

    Undeniably, fear is a powerful emotion. And it’s useful too. I want fear by my side, heightening my senses and alerting me to potential dangers when a loud noise wakes me up at night.

    But I realized that fear is not as clever or cunning as it may seem. It cannot differentiate between a real threat and a perceived threat. Differentiating those nuances is not its job, really; it has no time to categorize. Once there is any kind of threat on the horizon, it kick starts the survival program to keep me safe from harm.

    My job is to recognize that fear is here and has begun to lock me into survival mode. Once I brought full awareness to the fact that I was scared, I was able to look at the trigger. It occurred to me to ask if what I’m fearful of is actually a real threat or a perceived threat.

    Real threats are usually quite obvious. They are potentially very dangerous and more often than not involve physical harm. For example, I would not think twice about protecting myself from someone trying to climb through my bedroom window at night.

    Perceived threats, on the other hand, are usually mental images such as memories or ideas. They are based on past experiences or on future predictions; they are walls we erect to protect the delicate structures of the world as we know it.

    Perceived threats are mere illusions that hold us back from pushing our boundaries and exploring new shores. So perceived threats are, in reality, opportunities for immense personal growth.

    Unless we live in an unstable region, I would argue that 90% of the time we experience fear, it is a perceived threat. What an insight! Once I realized that I wasn’t dealing with a life-threatening situation, I steadied myself with a calming breathing exercise.

    2. Use fear’s energy as a lever to break through.

    A little calmer, I saw that fear set free an incredible amount of energy. My heart was still beating at one hundred miles an hour. What to do with it?

    Busting through those sturdy walls I erected in the past takes a certain oomph. I realized that I can redirect the energy let loose by fear and rattle those walls until they crumble.

    Suddenly, fear became not so much an emotion to give in to blindly, but an invitation to actively participate, to identify where its energy was needed most and to use the powerful physical and emotional tidal wave to wash away those outdated, internal boundaries.

    3. Go deep.

    I scrubbed. I mean, I really scrubbed! I looked in every nook and cranny of my being, brushed away the cob webs, and shone a light into those dark corners where I don’t usually like to look.

    I wanted this personal growth. So, like old and weak leaves from trees in stormy weather, my own limiting beliefs were removed from my mental catalogue and dissolved.

    How do we do this? We take every fear-induced mental image and transform it from a negative to a positive experience.

    I saw myself boarding the plane instead of watching myself construct plausible excuses why I couldn’t go. I pictured myself at the conference, on stage, talking in front of hundreds of people that loved every word I said instead of seeing myself sitting at home in Auckland on the weekend of the conference.

    4. Take action.

    I checked my phone; the ticket sale had started. “This is it,” I thought. “Go for it.”

    After the intense standoff with my own fear, I decided to be gentle with myself. With a deep exhale, I closed my eyes and anchored those positive mental images in every cell of my being until I was ready to take the next courageous step towards realizing my dream.

    And with reassuring peace and newfound freedom in my heart, I purchased.

    What fear is holding you back? Is the danger real or perceived? Can you see a mental image of your dream coming to life? And how can you channel the energy of your fear to take action toward your dream?

    Photo here

  • How to Stop Limiting Yourself and Feel Fully Alive

    How to Stop Limiting Yourself and Feel Fully Alive

    “You can only grow if you’re willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” ~Brian Tracy

    I like my comfort zone and I hate it. It’s safe, but if I stay there too long it starts to feel like a cage. No wild creature is happy in a cage, and we’re all wild creatures at heart.

    Sure, we like the reliability of being well fed, clothed, safe, and loved. It’s my theory though (formed just this second) that we are meant to hunt, to seek, to struggle, to engage with a world that offers no guarantees.

    Like a caged animal, we become depressed when we play it too safe. “Safe” offers no challenge, no growth, and no newness. Without those things we wither and die inside; we watch too much TV, we eat junk food, we numb out.

    Could it be that the prevalence of depression in First World countries is because our lives don’t challenge us as much as we need them to?

    We all need exercise to be healthy. Muscles need to break to become strong. Do our hearts and minds also need challenge to thrive?

    About eighteen months ago I got sick. It was a weird benign tumor that caused a lot of pain, enough pain that I took myself to hospital at three one morning.

    Eventually, the tumor healed and the pain stopped. It didn’t go away; it just stopped hurting me. In the meantime, though, I became very careful, controlled, and I dropped out of my life. I felt afraid and limited. I lost faith in myself.

    My world got very small and I became too dependent on those close to me. I was not much fun. I lost friendships.

    Now I am rebuilding. It’s not always easy, but I’m on the way back.

    I can now see that my comfort zone isn’t comfortable. My fears and limitations have drawn the boundaries of my life, and that’s a small cage to live in.

    That’s not how I want to live. I remember more lively times and I want that power and flow back. I want to break through the darkness into the bright light, where life is colorful again.

    I want my life back.

    If you also need to expand your comfort zone, you may benefit from applying these lessons that are helping me:

    1. Get honest.

    Ask questions. Get really clear on what is true for you. What do you think? What do you feel? What do you want? What is useful? What’s the truth?

    Truth can be hard to take, but it puts you on solid ground. You can walk forward on solid ground.

    For me, right now I am “calling myself out” on the lie that I lack the power to make changes.

    2. Change is possible.

    We can make changes. You may have had a vibrant life before and you can make one again. Know you can change and try new things.

    When I decide I’m a victim, it’s a lie. It is just not true. Granted, while I was sick change may have been too hard, but that’s not true anymore.

    3. Change is uncomfortable, and that’s okay.

    It doesn’t come without risk. We can’t stay in our comfort zones and expand at the same time. Growing is going to be uncomfortable. It’s even going to feel wrong. Do it anyway.

    The only way to get a bigger comfort zone is to do things outside it until they don’t scare you anymore. Then repeat.

    4. Change happens step by step.

    Changes seem big when you start out, but they’re just a series of small steps. They’re just a tiny set of actions. They’re the sum of the things you do, day by day.

    A slight change in trajectory is a huge change over time. It doesn’t happen all at once.

    5. Explore possibility.

    Every day, write a list of things that may take you in the direction you want to go. Write a list of ways to expand your life. Write a list of solutions. Write a list of “could do’s”.

    You don’t even need to keep the lists. The good ones will stick. They’ll pop up again and again like your favourite muppet.

    6. Take one tiny risk a day.

    Set yourself one tiny risk. Commit to doing it. That means you have to do it. No second-guessing. You said you would do it; you’re doing it! It may not be the “right” action, but that’s irrelevant. It’s the thing you chose to try.

    7. Every action is an experiment.

    Not every little risk will pay off, but that’s life, that’s learning. Every action will teach you something.

    I did well in school; it’s taken me a long time to get comfortable with failing and actually “learning to learn.” The school of life is a better teacher and a tougher one. That’s my school right now.

    8. Courage is more important than success.

    I heard Brené Brown say, “Being courageous is more important than being successful.” I have that on my wall. I think it’s true. Taking small risks makes me feel alive. The other name for “fear” is “thrill.”

    9. Risk develops resilience.

    We gain resilience with practice by striving, failing, and getting up again. It’s how we build emotional muscle. Sure, have a cry, share your humiliations with a trusted someone, then get back up and take the next step. Being courageous feels scary and good.

    And so, right now, I extend invitations knowing I may be rejected. I commit to writing projects that may not be published. I open up more to those closest to me and really let them in.

    I open up my world one step at a time, and it’s scary and it’s thrilling. The colors are brighter at the edge of my comfort zone.

    I am learning that my fears are false dragons guarding the gold. The dragons look real, but really, only the gold is.

  • Dare to Stand Out: 3 Ways to Let Your Unique Self Shine

    Dare to Stand Out: 3 Ways to Let Your Unique Self Shine

    Dancing Silhouette

    “If your number one goal is to make sure that everyone likes and approves of you, then you risk sacrificing your uniqueness, and, therefore, your excellence.” ~Unknown

    I can remember many times in my life when I was afraid to stand out.

    When listening to a lecture or panel discussion at school, I always had questions to ask, but the moment I finally raised my hand, my heart would start palpitating and gravity would force my arm down.

    The same thing happened in business meetings. I struggled to articulate my ideas, although I was sure they could have brought some new impulses. In the end, I felt miserable, as I’d missed another chance to join the debate.

    Why was it so difficult to speak out on the topics I was interested in? I’d missed so many opportunities to contribute and make my voice heard; to crack jokes or wear the clothes I wanted to wear; to try crazy things or be the only one on the dance floor.

    I missed out on being me, but I couldn’t manage to overcome my fear of standing out.

    What would others think of me?
    What if I said something stupid?
    What if they laughed?
    What if everybody stared at me?

    Why don’t we dare to stand out more often?

    Starting at a very early age, we learn that standing out is not desirable. When children speak their mind or they’re loud, playing wild games, adults tell them to calm down and be quiet. Many parents fear their offspring standing out in a way that might not be flattering, whereas when it comes to competing with others, kids are absolutely encouraged to stand out.

    In school, when articulating an opinion or questioning what they’ve learned, students are often labeled rebellious. Few teachers manage to appreciate uniqueness, because it means work.

    In adolescence, we’re torn between the desire to express our individuality and the urge to be accepted. Many times, we prefer to fit in because we’ve learned that we’re only going to belong to a group if we are like others expect us to be. But deep inside, we feel that something is missing.

    Showing Your True Colors

    Daring to stand out means being your true self, speaking your mind, dressing the way you want, or laughing out loud, even if you’re the only one who finds something funny.

    It means being different, following your dreams when no one believes in you, speaking up when no one else does, and making a difference in your life or the life of others by being who you are.

    Standing out implies being in the limelight, even if your audience consists of only one person.

    Whether it’s changing your life for good, getting a style makeover, asking uncomfortable questions and touching on sensitive subjects, joining a charity or keeping your lonely neighbor company, taking part in a local theatre play or quitting your banking job to buy your own food truck—that’s what makes you stand out, because you dare and care.

    All Magic Comes at A Price

    We all have talents and aspirations, some small, some big. Some might not be mainstream. This is when things start getting complicated and uncomfortable: in one way or another, we might rub someone the wrong way.

    We will never be able to please everyone.

    When standing out, we show the world that we’re here, and that we’re part of it; that we have something to say that might inspire others or even brighten their day.

    Take a deep breath, step out of your comfort zone, and reveal the person you really are.

    What’s to Lose?

    If others don’t want you to stand out, it’s because they don’t want you to grow. If you started to live the life you wanted, it might make them feel uncomfortable about themselves. Don’t let that hold you back.

    You might lose some acquaintances or false friends, but true friends will encourage and support you. And a lot of people will admire you for your courage. Even better, you will be loved for who you are. Isn’t this one of our deepest longings?

    3 Daring Steps to Let Your Unique Inner Self Shine

    It requires some courage to tackle the fear of standing out. You can always start small and take it one step at a time. But, if you feel adventurous, you might want to try one of these three daring steps to let your unique inner self shine.

    1. Go against the flow.

    If you don’t enjoy what everybody likes, stand by it. If you have another opinion, say it. If you don’t want to join your friends for the hottest event of the year, don’t go.

    What matters is that you feel good about yourself. It might mean not being part of the majority. So what? Dare to be a splash of color in a society of uniformity. You will always find like-minded people you can connect with.

    2. Dare to be unpopular.

    If the only way to popularity is by compromising your true self, then turn down the offer. Let others know what you want and what your boundaries are.

    Accept that you can’t be loved by everyone, and choose not to make your well-being dependent on others. The less glamorous but sustainable kind of popularity comes with authenticity.

    3. Embarrass yourself.

    A moment of embarrassment by choice can be very liberating. You’ll learn that you’re not going to die, and the ground won’t swallow you up (even if you wished for it).

    Quite often, others don’t even notice whatever you’re feeling embarrassed about. It’s mostly in your head. So next time you’re invited to a karaoke bar, grab the microphone and sing your heart out.

    —

    In school and in business meetings, whenever I was anxious to take part in the discussion, the majority of other participants didn’t raise their hands, either, and remained silent like me.

    I wasn’t the only one but didn’t realize it. Instead, I was focused on the chance of embarrassing myself. The fear of standing out is rampant.

    Yes, standing out means being vulnerable, and it opens us up to the risk of being ridiculed, but it also gives us the possibility of letting our uniqueness shine and showing others who we really are. Does this feel so bad after all?

    Photo by D. Sharon Pruitt

  • Owning Our Stories: Overcoming The Fears That Make Us Play Small

    Owning Our Stories: Overcoming The Fears That Make Us Play Small

    Oh So Free

    “I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brené Brown

    It’s taken me a long time to figure out my story.

    I kept thinking, “Nothing particularly dramatic has happened to me, so how can I have a story?”

    Yet recently, after years of personal growth work, that’s shifted. I see the golden thread that weaves through my story and what that means for how I show up and what I bring to the world.

    I now see that this whole thing about owning your story isn’t about drama. It’s not about having a story that you feel is significant and worthy enough to share. 

    In many ways, it’s a metaphor. If I own my story, then I put my name to it. I become the author and with that I take the role of protagonist.

    It also makes me ask the question, “If I’m not owning my story and authoring it, then who is?”

    My story is one of learning to accept that I am enough, just as I am, and that what’s in my heart matters.

    For most of my life I’ve strived to be enough without consciously being aware of it. It seemed to be what everyone did in the corporate world to get along. Reach. Stretch. Push. Always seeking more. 

    I can’t say it felt exhausting, because with every new goal I’d have a ton of energy to push through. I would think, “If I get that promotion, then I’ll feel happy.” Or, “If I get that Masters Degree, then I’ll be credible and heard.”

    No, it didn’t feel exhausting. It did feel relentlessly unfulfilling.

    It was as if I kept promising myself it would all be better when—even though I knew on some deep level it wouldn’t.

    I felt so stuck. I knew I had all this powerful energy, but it was locked inside me. It would show up in bursts, but so often I would hold it back.

    I was blaming others for my circumstances. I was arguing for how I had no choice; I had a mortgage to pay and kids to support. I was angrily frustrated and I found it hard to contain. 

    I would start my day at work believing “I can change things and make a meaningful contribution,” yet, I’d keep being met by the story of the organizational culture: “It’s not the right time,” or, “it’s not the way we do things around here,” or, “we just care about the numbers.”

    I was so frustrated that I would come home and complain to my husband about how awful it was and how I should be doing something different but I couldn’t because we needed the money.

    I blamed him on some level. I also blamed myself for not having enough courage to really change my circumstances.

    People kept telling me how lucky I was to work part time while the kids were little, but it felt like such a trade off. Almost as if I could have part-time work but I couldn’t expect it to be meaningful.

    For me to really look inside and discover what I wanted to do, it took a coach to point out that I was being a victim in my current story. 

    I remember when he said it I cried, and, truth be known, I felt embarrassed that I was crying on the phone to a guy when I was supposed to be professional!

    Yet it was a painful release of the truth of how I felt. It was as if in some way he had just lanced a boil. I was being a victim. I had given my power away because I was scared.

    I had lost touch with who I was, what was in my heart, and what I wanted.

    From that moment on, I made a commitment to myself to get to the heart of who I was and what I bring to the world. 

    I wanted to become the protagonist in my story. I made the decision to quit my job and follow my heart.

    It felt completely counterintuitive. My head was going wild with sabotaging thoughts, but somewhere deep inside me I trusted that I could handle what showed up.

    I talked to my boss about what was happening in the organization and how the role wasn’t turning out as we had anticipated. We talked openly about this and I asked for what I wanted. We agreed to negotiate a severance package.

    From there I started to notice opportunities and invest in myself so I could pursue my dream of running my own business.

    I decided I had to manage my fears and made a conscious choice to let courage trump them.  I would say things to myself like, “Seriously, what’s the worst that can happen?” The answer would be “I go and get another job.” More often than not I would say, “You’ve got this. You can do this.”

    I clarified my minimum-squeak-by and dream income amounts and worked out a simple business plan based on these.

    Most importantly, I kept going. I had a mantra that was based on how we learn to walk as babies. I would say to myself when it was tough, “Just one foot in front of the other, Vanessa.” And I would do the next small thing, even though I had a tendency to focus on the big vision.

    That was nearly four years ago now and I’ve been on such a rollercoaster ride of adventure.  Of course it has had ups and downs, and I wouldn’t change it for anything, because I have grown so much and I now know what it means to be fully responsible and at choice.

    I have discovered the golden thread in my story: that my deepest fear is that I am not enough and I need to be more than I am to thrive.

    That thread sabotages me when I believe it, because it makes me try really hard to perfect myself, procrastinate, and play small. It also has me seek approval and validation and hold back my truth.

    Being aware of it helps me consciously work the muscle of radical self-acceptance and self-empowerment. It enables me to learn to practice compassion, kindness, self-love, and enough-ness.

    It helps me to let go of old defensive ways of playing small like people pleasing, avoidance, and perfection.

    It also helps me create connection. When I stand in the story of I am enough, just as I am, I’m great at helping people grow and find their soul truth. I’m perfect at showing up just as I am and every time I fail or show up trying to be something other than who I am, it serves as a wonderful opportunity to help me grow.

    I had two fears when I started to own this story: 

    1. What would people think about me? How could I openly stand up and say, “I practice radical self-acceptance,” because my wound is that I fear I am not enough as I am?
    2. I would come across as egotistical if I fully owned what I’m good at.

    Interestingly, they form a double bind, with being not enough at one end and at the other, being too much. Underneath them is a fear of your opinion of me.

    The key to unlocking my ability to stand in my story and fully own it has been learning to make my opinion the one that counts (at least where I’m concerned).

    Making my opinion count is a practice for me. It requires me to ground my energy and often to slow down, take a step back, and quiet my inner critic.

    In this place, I can connect to my inner wise woman and hear her truth. Then my only job is to trust it. It’s why my word for the year is trust.

    Trust that I know what I know and that I am enough.

    Trust that my heart can lead.

    Trust that I am the protagonist in my story and it’s a worthy story.

    Trust that the fear inside that you might judge my story is part of the old story of not being enough as I am.

    Trust that when you and I stand fully in the center of our stories, we come from love.

    Photo by ByLaauraa

  • Two Words That Can Motivate You to Keep Going: What If?

    Two Words That Can Motivate You to Keep Going: What If?

    “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~Mary Anne Radmacher

    Carefully, I wrote my New Year’s Resolutions neatly in my purple leather bound journal, which chronicled the ups and downs of the past year of my life.

    Resolutions, whether they’re made on the first of January or any day of the year, are refreshing. It’s a chance to start again—the closest you can get to a “redo” of the past.

    In prior years, I made resolutions that were destined to fail. Read one book per week. Write a book. Learn yoga.

    It wasn’t that the previous resolutions were bad. Rather, I had failed to put any sort of plan in place to help me succeed. I only had a lofty goal, not steps laid out to get me from where I was standing to where I wanted to be. 

    But this year, I needed change. I needed a fresh start. I didn’t need the seemingly constant stress and the disappointment that plagued me last year to carry over into 2014.

    So my resolution was a succinct two words: Be happy.

    And unlike prior years, I made a plan for how to transform my resolution into my life. It felt weird trying to develop a way to be happy. But this year had to be different, and if planning was required, then plan I would.

    The plan? Take steps. And keep taking steps—don’t freeze in place.

    I took steps. I enrolled in a course in a subject I had long been interested in but too afraid to try. I decided that I would spend the Fall 2014 semester in London. I went to Chicago’s new Nutella Bar—because not every source of happiness requires a big change; sometimes the little things add up.

    And then only days into January, I panicked. Say this whole “Be happy” thing didn’t work out?

    What if I made all these changes and I wasn’t happy?

    What if the decisions I was making were actually wrong?

    What if life was still really stressful and exhausting?

    It took me a while to realize what all the what-ifs were really disguising. Superficially, the panic appeared to be the fear of not achieving the resolution.

    In reality, though, the fear of not achieving the resolution was a cover-up for the fear of failing as a person. What if I took all the steps to create the life I wanted and it didn’t work out? Would I be left with an unfilled life on top of an unfilled resolution? 

    Everyone talks about how going after what you truly want takes hard work and perseverance. Few people mention the courage required. It takes courage to forge your own path in a forest overgrown with what-ifs and brimming with the beast of society’s potential judgment.

    Being honest with yourself about what you want, whether it’s happiness, a new job, or significant other, is scary. When carving your own path, you don’t know what’s in store for you ahead.

    I came close to letting the fear of what-ifs consume me and abandoning my goals along with the little progress I had made in the first few weeks of January.

    Fittingly, however, the one thing that overpowered all the what-ifs swirling in my thoughts was one single what-if: What if it all worked out?

    What if you succeeded in creating the life you envisioned? It doesn’t need to be a perfect life; every life has a few rough spots or bruises.

    And for me that hope, that possibility, that single gnawing question was enough to take the leap of faith and go forward with my goals.

    That isn’t to say that I now believe unequivocally that my resolution will work out and every moment of my life will be Kodak-worthy. Rather, it’s to say that I now counter each doubt that creeps into my mind with the single rebuke: What if this all works out? 

    Focusing on the positives of your goal or resolution is a much more powerful motivator than concentrating on the negatives.

    Acknowledge the negatives as potential pitfalls to be aware of, but then counter them with positives. Truly immerse yourself in the positive potential of success.

    If your thoughts of doubt are enough to stop you, then your positive thoughts are enough to help you succeed.

  • Keep Shining Your Light, Even When You Feel Broken

    Keep Shining Your Light, Even When You Feel Broken

    “I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz

    I keep a prism hanging near the entrance to my home. Its beauty, made possible only by the broken nature of the glass from which it is constructed, serves as a constant reminder that even the broken pieces within each and every one of us can serve as a source of light. It’s a lesson that took me some time to learn.

    Shortly after graduating from college, I took a long, brutally honest look at my life and realized that it had become stagnant and nearly joyless. I was entrenched in a profoundly unhappy relationship, working too much, and laughing too little. I decided then to make a change.

    I acknowledged that the lies I told myself—that I was unlovable, somehow broken, or a victim of an abusive past—had created a world in which deep happiness was seen only in glimpses.

    I accepted as truth that I had not just a right to find happiness but a duty to do so, and I dedicated myself to its pursuit. I ended that relationship, negotiated better hours at work, and set my mind to finding joy. 

    On an academic level, I did everything I could to ensure the growth of my spirit: I cultivated meaningful relationships, I kept a gratitude journal, I did yoga. I read and discussed countless books and articles about age-old wisdom and the secrets of happiness.

    Through dedicated action and a commitment to growth, I was able to rewire my brain to invite and accept happiness in myriad ways.

    But, on a personal level, my path was less clear. Some days I was astonished by the sheer beauty of life and felt fully connected and present. I had profound moments of clarity in which I knew that I was a part of the great fabric of the universe and, as such, deeply beautiful.

    But some days old patterns of dysfunctional thought would creep in. 

    I was astounded to find that my perception of my appearance could throw an entire morning off, or that I still struggled to understand why any person should love me.

    I battled disappointment and sadness as I grappled with those unwelcome thoughts. In those moments of darkness, I began to question whether I had grown at all.

    Meanwhile, friends, family members, and acquaintances would confide in me that my approach to life, cheerful nature, and natural light was an inspiration to them. As I shared some of the wisdom that I had learned during my journey toward self-discovery, I helped those around me ease their own suffering. Yet, still I questioned myself.

    I wondered, “How can I help anyone else when I don’t feel whole?” 

    It was during one of those moments of deep uncertainty that a dear friend urged me to acknowledge my own light.

    He asked me to imagine a world in which I hadn’t shared my joy, a place devoid of the little transformations I had made.

    I had to admit that if I had allowed those moments of darkness to overshadow the clarity I had achieved, the world would be a tiny bit less bright. I acknowledged that it was my duty to prevent that.

    I had to set aside fear—fear that I was not good enough, not complete enough—in order to allow my light to shine.

    There is a quote by Stephen Cope, from The Great Work of Your Life, that I have hanging in my bedroom. It reads, “Each of us feels some aspect of the world’s suffering acutely. And we must pay attention. We must act. This little corner of the world is ours to transform. This little corner of the world is ours to save.”

    With that in mind, I am able to act—to offer love, support, help, and kindness when I can. I am able to shine. It is, in fact, our suffering that allows us to transform the little corner of the world that is ours.

    The path to self-growth is not linear. It is a meandering journey through mountains and valleys, and occasionally there are more lows than highs. But it is a journey ever onward, and it is our light—that same light that exists in every one of us—that guides the way, if only we allow it to shine.

    Invite yourself to embrace every aspect of your being. Perhaps there will be times that you feel less than whole, but when those moments come, encourage yourself to remember a time when you made the world a more positive place. Regardless of where you are on your path, that moment mattered.

    The moment you share your light, the world becomes a brighter place.

  • Are You Limited by the Fear of What Other People Think?

    Are You Limited by the Fear of What Other People Think?

    “It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    A few months ago, I found myself on the busy streets of London’s Covent Garden.

    It was a mild Friday evening in the capital and the masses were out celebrating the end of the working week, looking forward to the weekend ahead.

    But that’s not why I was there.

    I’d come to Covent Garden on that day for a special project.

    For most of my life, the fear of what other people thought of me had kept me trapped. It had prevented me from reaching my full potential and from enjoying life to its fullest.

    I couldn’t bring myself to dance in public for fear that people would point and laugh. At work I was unable to voice my opinions for fear they’d be thought stupid. And at my lowest point, even walking down the street became a struggle, as my mind ran wild with images of people talking about and laughing at me as I went by.

    I lived a half-life. I knew I was missing out. I also knew I had so much more to contribute to this world. But I was paralyzed by the fear that if I put myself out there I’d be ridiculed and rejected.

    And so the “real me” remained cocooned somewhere inside. I knew she was there, I knew who she was, but fear kept her trapped.

    But sixteen months ago, things began to shift. Filled with an increasing sense that I wasn’t living my purpose and a vast emptiness from the lack of meaning my life seemed to have, I quit my corporate office job in search of answers, determined to live a more fulfilling life.

    I made a commitment to myself then to face each and every one of my fears and to find a way to reconnect to the real Leah and let her out into the world.

    The last sixteen months of my life have been challenging, as I commit every day to living a little further outside my comfort zone. But being in that space of discomfort and crossing the threshold from fear into courage has led to the fulfilment I craved as I realize just how much I’m capable of.

    I’d be lying if I said I no longer gave a second thought to what others think, but for the most part I can push past that to do the things I know I need to do.

    And so it is that I arrived in Covent Garden, in the hope of now encouraging others to free themselves of that fear of what others think and embrace life in its entirety.

    And so there I stood, on the crowded streets of London that evening, holding a sign handcrafted from old cereal boxes, saying:

    “How often does the fear of what other people think stop you from doing something?”

    The reaction to this simple question left me gobsmacked.

    People stopped and took notice.

    Some smiled knowingly, acknowledging that their own lives had been affected by the fear of what others think.

    Some nodded with something of a sad look on their face. Perhaps there was something they really wanted to do but were being held back by that fear.

    Others engaged in conversation, sharing their stories of how the fear of what other people thought had touched their lives or how they’d learned not to care so much.

    That day, I experienced for the very first time the extent to which the fear of what other people think affects our lives—all of our lives. What might we be capable of if we could let go of that fear?

    I went home that evening having learned some valuable lessons…

    You’re never alone.

    Too often we suffer our fears in silence. We believe ourselves to be the only one.

    Everywhere we look we seem to be surrounded by confident people.

    But I’ve come to realize that everyone—those who appear confident or shy; extroverts of introverts—we all, each and every one of us, are struggling with our own fears.

    When the fear of what other people think is holding you back, take a look around and remember, everyone is living with his or her own fear. You are not alone.

    By confronting your fears, you help others confront theirs.

    More than anything, when you stop caring what others think and set out to achieve your goals and dreams, you give others the power to do the same.

    Someone is always watching and wishing they had your courage. By stepping up to your own fears, you really do help others face theirs.

    Be vulnerable and honest. Being open about your fears and confronting them head on could be the greatest gift you ever give.

    What you think they think isn’t the reality.

    Those people over there? The ones you think are talking about you? Judging you? They’re not. Really. They don’t have time. They’re too busy worrying about what people are thinking about them!

    And even if they were looking at you, judging you, talking about you, you can be almost certain they’re not saying the awful things you imagine.

    Instead, they’re envying the color of your hair, your shoes, the way you look so confident.

    What we think people think of us usually doesn’t come close to the reality.

    Freedom from the fear of what others think is possible.

    The fear of what other people think of us is like a cage.

    Over time you become so used to being inside that cage you eventually come to forget what the outside might be like. You resign yourself to living within its walls.

    By taking deliberate and purposeful action to overcome the fear of what others think of you, you slowly regain your freedom and escape from the confines of the prison you’ve created for yourself.

    And life outside that cage? It’s pretty awesome!

    It’s a place where you can be the person you always knew you were meant to be.

    And that, being fully self-expressed, being everything you know you are, fulfilling your greatest potential in life, well, that’s the greatest feeling you could ever know.

    Don’t let the fear of what other people think stop you from living the life you were born to live.

    Photo by PhObOss

  • 6 Tips to Help You Free Yourself from Your Fearful Thoughts

    6 Tips to Help You Free Yourself from Your Fearful Thoughts

    Freedom

    “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Here I am, huddled up close to the wood burner, my only source of heat, sitting on an old recliner chair that was given to me, in a rented apartment with windows soaked with condensation. Outside it is cold, wet, and dreary, a typical English winter’s day.

    My business folded in July with substantial personal debt and I turned forty-four in August.

    Perhaps not the most heart-warming start to a post, but rather some raw facts of how my life is now, not x number of years ago before I turned my life around, but now! I’m pretty sure I am not alone in this situation I find myself.

    In July when I folded my never very successful business resulting in substantial personal debt, the first thing I did was completely freak out—panic attacks, endless anxiety, depressive thoughts, the whole nine yards.

    I went to my doctor who gave me anti-anxiety medication without a second thought. I tried them for a couple of months, but I had been down that route before and this time I felt that it was not the solution to my problems. So after consulting with the doc I carefully weaned myself off of them.

    What I needed was answers as to what was causing me so much pain inside rather than a Band-Aid to cover it. I needed to find out why I seemed to have spent my entire life under a shadow, a shadow from which I never felt comfortable emerging to engage fully with the world for fear of being seen.

    Enter Tiny Buddha. I found Tiny Buddha by chance while endlessly searching for answers as to what was broken in me. What I discovered after reading hundreds of posts was a revelation: I am not broken.

    After digging deeper, I began to realize that I was locked in a trance most of the time, a trance created by my egoic mind. A trance shaped by fear during my formative years. My psyche was trying to protect me from the fear and lack of safety I felt when growing up; it was trying to keep me safe.

    My childhood interpretation of the events I experienced, combined with non-compassionate and non-understanding authority figures, led my psyche to decide that the best way to deal with life was to retreat to a place of safety and hide, to not get involved or be exposed in any way.

    It met any situation or event that it interpreted as fearful with vigorous resistance.

    As most things in life contain some element of fear and anticipation, especially new things, my egoic mind trance was active most of the time, constantly in the background, ready to come to my rescue at the slightest whiff of perceived danger.

    The irony is that my mind’s way of “rescuing” me was to paralyze me with feelings of dread, worry, and anxiety, coupled with the physical feelings associated with panic. 

    It’s not easy when your egoic mind has spent the greater part of your life trying to convince you that it is the only place where you are safe.

    Over the years the egoic mind has plenty of time to really go to town building a devilishly intricate trance machine that becomes deeply entrenched in the psyche. Mine was so entrenched that I thought it was me. Until recently, that is.

    What I am learning from reading many posts on Tiny Buddha, which led me to books, podcasts, and other resources on the subject of the being, is this:

    1. We need to realize that we truly are not our thoughts.

    Our thoughts come from the egoic mind. We are the awareness that hears the thoughts.

    When you talk to yourself inside your mind, to whom are you actually talking? It is your awareness, and that is who you are, that is your being. Not the thoughts.

    Your thoughts are just constructs of your egoic mind. You can actually choose to let them float on by without believing or engaging them, should you choose to.

    2. Understand it is not your fault that your mind is causing you such pain; it’s a product of evolution.

    Back in the days of caves and things with sharp pointy teeth, you were more likely to survive if you were ever vigilant of danger—meaning the genes that favored this behavior were more likely to get passed down… to you.

    The egoic mind thinks it is helping you by keeping you safe and trapped inside a trance. It is not its fault, and you have to face your trance thoughts with compassion and love, and be able to forgive yourself. It really isn’t your fault.

    3. Use meditation and mindfulness throughout the day; learn to see the space between the real you—which is awareness—and the egoic mind, as its thoughts race by.

    Observe thoughts for what they are: just thoughts. Try not to allow yourself to become absorbed in your thoughts and go into trance, but do not punish yourself if you do.

    Be kind and compassionate to yourself when you recognize you have drifted away and start fresh in the moment, returning to a state of mindful awareness whenever you can.

    4. Identify the trance thoughts and emotions as they arise and name them.

    For example, “Oh, this is fear I am feeling, just fear,” or “I feel you dread and worry; it’s okay,” or “Hello shame and unworthiness; I see you.”

    This technique of compassionate recognition will reduce the power they have over you, as you have exposed them for what they really are: just thoughts.

    5. Remember that it takes perseverance and practice, lots of it.

    Another fun thing we inherited from our ancestors is that the fear of something can become embedded in our long-term memory even after a single, brief exposure to it. Conversely, it takes much longer and repeated exposure to positive stimuli before they are committed to long-term memory.

    6. Each time you notice yourself in a state of negativity, use it as an opportunity to practice, to mindfully observe your thoughts with acceptance and compassion.

    This will allow them to flow through and out of you rather than be kept inside to be constantly recycled.

    Do not beat yourself up if you find it difficult to let go of thinking. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. It took you more than a few days to learn to read and write. It will take a little time for you to calm your egoic mind and let your awareness shine through.

    This is the path I have begun to walk. I’ve begun to let go of expectations about others and myself; to learn to be compassionate and to love myself; to accept who I am, and where I am in this moment; to try not to judge others or myself. To know that in this moment everything is okay.

    And now that my cat is lying on my lap, I guess that means it is time to finish this. Life is all about these moments.

    Photo by D.Ph

  • Release the Fear of Not Measuring Up and Share Your Light

    Release the Fear of Not Measuring Up and Share Your Light

    cartwheel

    “You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~Brené Brown

    I believe that it is part of the human condition to want love and connection with others. For some of us this comes much more naturally and abundantly than it does for others.

    The universal thing we all share is that at some point along our life journey, there will come a time when our self-worth is on the table for questioning.

    I can clearly recall the first time my self-confidence was rocked. I was seven years old and full of energy, life, and good old-fashioned cheer.

    I spent endless summer hours skipping rope, riding bikes, playing tag with the neighborhood kids, and had recently discovered the art of performing cartwheels on the back lawn—what a rush!

    At the time we lived in a duplex. My mom was a single mom. My dad passed away when I was only six months old, leaving my older brother Eric and I behind.

    Of course I didn’t realize it at the time, but while my mom was the most amazing mom around, I didn’t have a male role model in my life and must have really felt that loss.

    My mom and I still share a giggle over a story from when I was two years old. I very eagerly staggered out into the street during a holiday parade to profess my love or “wuv” for the policemen and firemen as they passed by.

    It just so happened we had a police officer living next door to us. It was a warm summer evening and he had guests out on his deck enjoying a barbeque. I also just so happened to be outside once again, perfecting my cartwheel.

    I remember gearing up to showcase them my newly honed skill. I composed myself and very deliberately set off down our bumpy, sloped lawn toward their deck.

    I gave them one impeccable cartwheel after the other, without any break in between, until I reached the end of the lawn and the start of the blackberry bush.

    I turned to face them with a victory smile and a silent “ta-da!” but instead of receiving anticipated applause and approval, I was met with roars of laughter and a snicker: “Wow, what a showoff this one is!”

    I was instantly deflated and utterly crushed.

    I clearly remember feeling the heavy pit in my stomach, and the accompanying sting of tears and hurt I fought back as the heat rose from my belly to my cheeks. At seven years old I stood there with my heart wide open, looking for approval only to feel squashed and ashamed.

    Fast-forward another twenty-eight years and it all sounds a bit silly to me now, yet somehow the hurt is still quick for me to recall.

    This was, of course, not the experience that taught me the great life lesson of expressing and honoring my worth as a human being.

    That came much later with far more extensive bruises, bumps, and lessons, but this memory is one that stands out to me because it was the first time I ever thought to myself “Maybe I am not good enough, and maybe I never will be.”

    I don’t believe there is a human out there that doesn’t have this inner child in them that yearns for the reassurance that they are okay. Most of us have had at least one experience somewhere along the line that has left the lingering question of whether or not we are good enough.

    I think we all carry these wounds around with us. Some of us face unthinkable things and suffer from much deeper wounds and fears than others.

    I guess the point is, at any given time we are surrounded by others that have felt insecure and unloved, that worry about being worthy of belonging and can relate to what may be one of our biggest fears.

    I just can’t help but think if we all gave ourselves permission to not be so hard on ourselves, or to each other, the ride could be a little gentler. When we come back to that place in life where our hearts are open, we are less likely to be so critical of others and of ourselves.

    The simple act of sharing a heartfelt smile with a stranger on the street, or praising a young child for being completely amazing by just being who they are, is empowering and contagious.

    When we loosen our grip on our fear of looking foolish or not measuring up, and instead share our light and love with others, the magic of life seems to naturally unfold.

    The best part is, we help give others the courage to do the same, to find their way back to remembering how totally awesome and worthy they are right now as they are.

    I should add that while I never did become a gifted gymnast, I will on occasion bust out my best cartwheel moves on the back lawn with my kids, or on the beach just because. Now I always follow it up with a “ta-da” and a pat on the back I deserve for purely being human.

    Photo by Louise Palanker

  • How Do You Motivate Yourself: With Love or Fear?

    How Do You Motivate Yourself: With Love or Fear?

    “The heart is like a garden: it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?” ~ Jack Kornfield

    My whole life has been a story of discipline. I started exercising and eating healthier in eighth grade. I planned out my studies meticulously so I would finish school assignments exactly on time. I always arrived five minutes early for any appointment or meeting. Disciplined.

    When I began my yoga studies in earnest at the age of twenty-two, I applied the same disciplined nature to my yoga practice. I had extensive practice plans and had scheduled in all the parts I should be doing: pranayama and meditation at dawn, asana practice after work with standing poses on Monday, hip openers on Tuesday, etc.

    People would comment about how disciplined I was. I just smiled, knowingly, because I knew what I was doing was “good” and they could learn something from my organized way of living. Yep, a little self-righteousness, too!

    Then one day, about fifteen years ago, while I was contemplating the yogic term tapas (self-discipline), I had an awakening: my discipline, everything, all that I did (including exercise, eating well, rigidity around how I used my time), came from fear, not love.

    It wasn’t focused on all the wonderful benefits I received through discipline but what I would lose if I didn’t do it.

    If I didn’t exercise, I wouldn’t have my exercise high all day. If I didn’t eat perfectly, I would gain weight. If I didn’t do my practice, I would lose my state of consciousness.

    So much fear! I knew I wanted it to change. I didn’t want this level of fear in my life, especially around my spiritual life whose very essence was love.

    I was planting seeds with my practice, as Jack Kornfield’s quote said: “The heart is like a garden: it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?”

    I wanted to be planting seeds of love.

    While choosing to make a change in our life because we are afraid of something at least gets us going (quitting smoking because of the fear of dying, working on being on time at work because of the fear of being fired, beginning meditation after a heart attack), we ultimately want to shift from fear to love, from what we don’t want to what we do want.

    Focusing on what we don’t want simply continues to plant fear in our hearts. Focusing on what we do want, and that we deserve what we want, plants seed of compassion and love.

    So, what did I do? I quit everything. I quit my entire practice—including eating well, exercising, being rigid with my schedule—and entered into a study of discipline. Two discoveries would forever change my perspective.

    The first reflection came from the word tapas, itself. Roughly translated, it means “inner fire” and refers to the inner fire to know ourselves, the desire; and we learn about ourselves through our yoga practice, our study of life, and everything we do for ourselves.

    I like to also think of it as the inner fire to feel good, to be doing what we really want to be doing, to love our life.

    We can use this “inner fire” to inspire us to be disciplined with whatever we want to do, to continue our actions even when we feel resistance. (You know, the preference to sleep in rather than get up to exercise, to eat junk food rather than prepare something healthy, to grab for a cigarette rather than not.)

    The desire drives us to want to learn more and is stronger than the resistance when we stroke it. And we stroke it by focusing on what we want, getting excited about what our action will help us feel.

    The second transformational nugget was the word “discipline” itself. The word comes from the Latin root “disciplina” and means “instruction given, teaching, learning, knowledge.” Think in terms of a disciple learning at the foot of a master.

    Again, our discipline to do our own practice helps us to learn about ourselves, it is a teacher for us, our master, so to speak.

    Knowing I wanted my practice to be based on love, not fear, to be planting seeds of love from it, I continued to hold myself back from practicing.

    The fear bubbled to the surface. I feared I would lose “everything” for quite some time. But then, a deeper desire began to percolate up. A curiosity about a certain pose and how it would feel, a curiosity about a breath, a new meditation I felt a niggling to try. 

    I felt an inner excitement to get to my mat, and I finally did.

    Self-discipline is tricky for many of us. In my work, I rarely come upon anyone who says that what they do for themselves is deeply satisfying and they feel they do enough. Most of us feel we need to do more, we aren’t disciplined enough.

    The judgment itself comes from fear. Let me say that another way, if you are judging yourself for not having enough self-discipline, you are basing your practice on fear.

    So how do you change the focus?

    Instead, return to why you do what you do. Why do you do yoga, exercise, eat well, or do anything else you feel you would like to be more disciplined around? What brought you to it in the first place? Sometimes along the way, we lose site of our deeper purpose.

    Bring your attention back to that deeper purpose. Put your love into it.

    While I wish I could say the fear was eradicated for me, never to return, I must admit it does return. I can say that when it surfaces I now have new tools to handle it. I am better able to see it for what it is and return to the state of love quickly.

    Ironically, I realize that my fear-based discipline did teach me something about myself and led me to a life with more love.

  • 5 Tips to Help You Take Action to Overcome Your Fear

    5 Tips to Help You Take Action to Overcome Your Fear

    “Thinking will not overcome fear, but action will.” ~W. Clement Stone

    I made it all the way to my thirtieth birthday without learning how to drive. After I turned twenty-one, people often asked me why I hadn’t learned yet. My go-to story was that I lived in a place with abundant public transportation options and never had any intention of buying a car.

    The truth is that I wanted to learn, but I was terrified, and the fear grew with each year.

    What if I got in an accident? What if people laughed at me for learning so late or honked angrily at me? What if I chose a bad driving school with unforgiving teachers?

    I used these fearful questions and the fear responses that came along with them as obstacles to stop me from taking any action toward learning. I felt as though their presence meant that I couldn’t take an action. I wanted them to go away before I took any steps.

    The one thing I was avoiding was the key to me overcoming my fear. It sounds so obvious, but how many of us have wanted to do something, felt afraid, and then spent more time thinking and talking about it than actually taking action?

    I put “learn how to drive” on my New Year’s resolution list for the last time and decided to find a way to make it happen, despite my fear.

    When you think of taking action, you might have some big, scary idea of what I’m talking about. I’m not talking about deciding one day that you want to jump out of a plane and then an hour later booking your flight. Or in my case, deciding that I wanted to learn how to drive and then getting right in the driver’s seat.

    None of this is necessary.

    I’ve learned five helpful things about taking action that helped me move from thinking about learning how to drive to getting behind the driver’s wheel and actually driving confidently.

    If you already know how to drive, which I’m assuming most of you do, these things can easily apply to anything else you’ve wanted to do but haven’t yet tried out of fear.

    1. Start at the beginning.

    One reason that we hesitate when we have something we are afraid to do is because we are thinking only of the end result and likely feel incapable of getting to that point from where we are now.

    Forget about the end result, or at least take your laser focus off of it long enough to determine what the first step might be. In my case, the first step was visiting my state’s Registry of Motor Vehicles website to find the process for getting a learner’s permit.

    The more you focus on all of the actions you have to take to get to the end result, the less likely you are to actually take any steps. So just focus on the first step and start there.

    2. Remember that small steps count too.

    Each action step doesn’t have to be big.

    Your brain, ego, or that limiting, fearful part within will try to convince you that your steps are too small. They couldn’t possibly count, it says, so better to just not try. It’s lying to you.

    Every accomplishment, like baking a cake, publishing a book, or learning to drive, is made up of small steps made over and over and over again.

    Learning about the learner’s permit process led to picking up a driver’s manual, which led to spending time every day studying the manual, which led to scheduling the permit test. All these small steps built up to me ultimately learning how to drive.

    3. Realize it’s not how you feel; it’s what you do.

    One of my obstacles was thinking that the presence of physical fear symptoms meant I couldn’t take action. You can be terrified, with a quick pulse or shaky hands or shallow breaths, and still take action.

    It’s the steps that count, not how you feel when you take them.

    When I had my first driver’s lesson, my hands shook so badly that I wasn’t sure I would be able to hold the steering wheel. But I got through the lesson, one step further in my journey to learn, and decided that I would celebrate the fact that I showed up, in spite of fear, rather than judging myself as a failure for how nervous I felt physically.

    4. Get high on taking action.

    There is this magically wonderful high that occurs after you’ve taken action that you were afraid to take. I’m not sure how many of you have experienced it, but talking to other people who have done things that terrified them, I found that I’m not alone in noticing this.

    Use that high to your advantage. Make it an incentive that leads you, especially in moments when you are doubtful, that you can handle the fear of taking another step.

    After my first lesson, I wrote down how I felt (excited, proud, happy) and I referred to it again before my next couple of lessons when I forgot how good I felt and needed a reminder to help tone down my fear.

    5. Know that action builds confidence.

    Deciding to take action to overcome my fear of learning to drive has not only meant a new skill, it has also brought me confidence in my ability to learn new things, handle mistakes, work toward and achieve a goal, meet new people, and much more.

    Action has many unintended opportunities for growth beyond the specific area we decide to work on.

    It’s in the action that we test our hypothesis about life and about ourselves. It’s in the action that we grow confident about ourselves and our abilities. It’s in the action that we find out what mistakes are experientially and how much stronger we are by learning from them as we go.

    So today I can say I know how to drive. I even look forward to it. I couldn’t have said that though had I just continued to wait to take action until I no longer felt afraid.

    What action can you take to overcome your fear today?

  • Building Confidence to Face a Fear Instead of Hiding from It

    Building Confidence to Face a Fear Instead of Hiding from It

    Fear

    “Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I was very shy growing up, especially in lower and middle school. I moved from the US to London when I was five. Although I don’t remember a lot of my experience in lower school in London, I do know that when I first started I refused to speak or read aloud.

    I was in a completely new environment. I was confused and anxious, and it made me afraid of new situations.

    As the year progressed I settled in pretty well. I made friends and would not have a problem speaking in class. Everything seemed to be going well until I switched schools at thirteen and dealt with two years of harassment and bullying.

    By this point, I was going through puberty and started to care about my appearance. From the get-go, I would always compare myself to others, and it would make me anxious and self-conscious.

    I had a hard time making friends because I would be so focused on what they were thinking about me when talking to them that I couldn’t focus on the conversation. I couldn’t open up to people either, which made me feel as if it was impossible to truly connect with them.

    I felt different from everyone. But I tried to hide it the best that I could, and it became a quiet inner battle.

    When I was being bullied at school, I tried to keep all my emotions inside and hide them, which is probably the worst thing I could have done. I would literally dread getting up in the mornings for school.

    Then one day I had to give an oral presentation to my class. I was already nervous to stand up in front of everyone and have their attention on me. But to make it worse, they would make faces, smirk, laugh, and whisper. I couldn’t concentrate on what I was saying.

    I had a panic attack. My heart was beating so hard and so fast, my body was shaking all over and so was my voice. This only made me panic more, and as a result I lost my voice and couldn’t speak.

    My teacher recognized what was going on and told me to sit down. I have never been more embarrassed in my life, and that day brought my self-confidence down to an all-time low. After that, every time I found out I had a presentation coming up, it would give me so much anxiety. I would do anything to avoid it.

    Sometimes I would skip class or pretend to be sick. I actually remember one time I just bawled my eyes out in the car with my mom, just begging her to let me stay home.

    It was a true phobia; my body would go into panic mode whenever I would stand up in front of people because it thought I wasn’t safe. And running away from the situations only made it worse and made me have even lower self-worth than I had to begin with.

    My parents recognized something was going on, and they let me switch schools shortly after. I immediately felt a lot more accepted there and took the opportunity of a fresh, new start to not be afraid.

    I knew it would be easier to tackle my fear of public speaking here, since I no longer felt threatened by my peers. But I also knew that practice would help me develop the confidence to face future situations when I might feel judged again.

    I realized:

    1. It only makes things worse to avoid the thing that scares you.

    The more you face your fear, the more likely you are to realize that you are safe and able to so. And if there are parts of facing your fear that feel unsafe, you will realize through repeated exposure that you are strong enough to confront and deal with them. 

    2. The more you face the fear, the less terrified you’ll feel.

    I stopped allowing myself to skip the days where I had to give a public speech and instead forced myself to do it, which made me feel a sense of accomplishment. It also allowed me to get better at keeping my nerves under control.

    3. Focus on your breath, not your fear.

    The beginning of the speech is always the hardest for me, so I taught myself to focus on my breathing in the minutes leading up to it. When you’re in a situation that terrifies you, inhale slowly, exhale slowly, and concentrate on that. It will help you stay grounded instead of getting caught up in fearful thoughts.

    4. Practice builds confidence.

    I would avoid preparing for my speech because even the thought of doing that would make me nervous. When I took the time to really perfect my speeches, I felt far more confident doing it because everything would flow much better.

    I am so happy to say that now I can handle presentations. They no longer make me nervous, and I don’t hide from them anymore.

    In fact, now that I am long out of junior high, I look forward to public speaking because each time I give a presentation I feel this huge sense of accomplishment. I have also learned to apply these same ideas to any other situation that triggers anxiety, such as job interviews or anything that requires the focus to be entirely on me. 

    I feel like a totally different person now that I know how to deal with and control my anxiety. I still experience situations where I feel anxious, but it’s nothing like it used to be, and that’s a truly amazing feeling.

    If you are faced with an anxiety-provoking situation, the best thing you can do is face it. Know that you are strong enough and completely capable. You just need to build your confidence—and you will if you stick with it.

    Photo by Eric Chan

  • Why Resistance Isn’t a Bad Thing and What to Do About It

    Why Resistance Isn’t a Bad Thing and What to Do About It

    Hiding

    “Worry looks around, fear looks back, faith looks up, guilt looks down, but I look forward.” ~Unknown

    I moved houses a couple of weeks ago. It was the perfect opportunity to take a break, pause and reflect, and decide on the directions I wanted my small business to take.

    And I did just that: I rested, took the time to think and get über clear about what I wanted to do next and how, revamped my offerings, made a super duper inspiring goal list and… decided that getting to know our neighbors’ cats was far more fascinating than, you know, work.

    It didn’t take me long to realize what was going on here: my old friend resistance was paying me a visit, and it didn’t want to leave anytime soon.

    When I see resistance, I usually choose to either push through (and end up so tired I could sleep for a month), or give in and get nothing done (resistance: 1, Emmanuelle: 0).

    This time I chose a new road. I chose to see it. To hear it. To listen to it.

    Acknowledge

    The first thing I did was to acknowledge resistance. It was my reality, it was there; I could not deny it. So instead of playing ostrich and burying my head in the sand, I chose to face what was really going on and become present to it.

    When you feel something that you don’t really want to feel, the first step in letting it go is acknowledging it, accepting that it is what it is, that it is your current reality.

    Feel the fear…

    Now that I was seeing the resistance, its true colors were showing. Because you see, resistance is a disguise, and what hides beneath is fear.

    It could be fear of failure. It could be fear of success. It could be fear of falling flat on your face and making a fool of yourself. What is hiding beneath resistance, what is holding you back from taking that next big bold step ?

    For me, it was fear of being seen. Fear of exposing myself in such a way that it brought back my insecurities and blocks. Fear of going to a new level and failing miserably, because apparently that is what was supposed to happen, right? Right.

    … and do it anyway

    That’s when I made another decision.

    Once I recognized my fear, I chose to have a chat with her. Yes she’s a she, a pre-teen hiding in the dark corner of the room, curled up into a ball. It’s much easier to have a conversation with your fear once you can see it as a person. And the truth is, it is usually a version of yourself, the dark version, the shadow you don’t want anyone to see.

    So I had this conversation with her. I told her I knew she was trying to protect me from the unknown, she was trying to keep me safe, but everything was going to be all right. I told her I was going to make sure she wouldn’t go through this again, because I committed to do my 100% best at all times.

    She smiled, opened up, and reached for my hand. She said she was going to watch, but she knew she could trust me. She knew I could trust myself.

    And you can, too.

    When resistance shows up, first acknowledge it, invite it to come in, and identify the fear behind it . Use that fear to propel you to do your 100% best at all times. That scared person in the dark corner of the room? Let him or her become your best friend and your fuel.

    Here is the thing with resistance and fear: When you decide to think and play bigger, to show up like you’ve never done before, to make bold moves, resistance will show up, there is no way around it.

    It’s part of the process; it means that you are on the threshold, waiting to take the next step toward another level of consciousness, another level of being.

    Resistance is here for you to make a choice : stay on the threshold, or look forward and step up.

    Which one will it be?

    Photo by r.f.m. II

  • Finding the Courage to Let Go of the Familiar and Make a Change

    Finding the Courage to Let Go of the Familiar and Make a Change

    Walk Away

    “Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” ~Raymond Lindquist

    I’ve been processing my beliefs on courage since I turned 31.

    When I was in my 20s and teens, my idea of courage was that you fight until the death, never give up, be the one to say the last word, and always, always prove your point. And yet, I spent most of those years feeling unseen and unheard by my family and friends.

    I felt completely isolated and exhausted, yet I wasn’t expressing these feelings. (Not to say I hold regret; in my journey I had to seek and exhaust what didn’t work before fumbling my way to what could.)

    On the day of my 30th birthday, I found myself stuck in an unsatisfying four-year relationship, feeling so much pain, but I lacked the strength to move on. During those four years, I felt more and more isolated.

    Some research suggests that isolation is the most terrifying and destructive feeling a person can endure.

    In their book The Healing Connection, Jean Baker Miller and Irene Pierce Stiver define isolation as “a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation.”

    I felt I had lost my self-respect and power, and that made me feel trapped and ashamed. As painful as it was to feel that way, it also felt familiar and comfortable. I was drowning with no life raft, holding my own head underwater.

    Part of me was staying because I didn’t believe I would feel worthy or complete until I saved my then-boyfriend and the relationship.

    At the same time, I wasn’t voicing my needs or feelings. I was expecting and depending on someone else to change instead of changing myself.

    Perhaps this is the gift when relationships don’t work out: We learn where we are not loving or accepting ourselves. Relationships bring to light the wounds we have yet to heal. For that, I am grateful.

    Once I recognized that the relationship had served a divine purpose—that the experience had happened for me, not to me—I was able to move on.

    I’ve learned that the experience of shame traps us in self-defeating cycles; we feel unworthy and powerlessness to change our life conditions.

    It also prevents us from seeing and representing our authentic selves. Then instead of airing it out and clearing the water, we muddy it further by keeping it all inside.

    Familiarity can be more comforting than the uncertainty of what will happen after we let go and jump into the abyss, but we have to ask ourselves what we value more: comfort or growth?

    Richard Schaub wrote, “Surrender is an active decision, an act of strength and courage, with serenity as its reward.”

    Perhaps courage, for me, meant not hanging on and pushing through, but accepting the hurt, surrendering the need for certainty, and making the active choice to break the silence and begin clearing up the water.

    I have learned that as unique as our stories may be, we all struggle with the same fundamental fears and we all lose our belief in ourselves. We all feel alone and isolated at times, and that leaves us feeling powerless.

    When we get stuck in toxic behaviors and relationships and we feel trapped in this vicious cycle, we need to ask ourselves, “What do we stand to lose by not changing?”

    For me, I stood to lose my authentic self, my integrity, my spirit, and the opportunity to live my best life.

    It takes courage to be completely honest with ourselves about what’s keeping us stuck.

    It took courage for me to accept that I was staying in an unsatisfying relationship because it was familiar, and even harder to acknowledge the shame and unworthiness I felt for being too scared to face the truth.

    To feel worthy and take control back, I first needed to feel accepted and connected.

    Sharing my story helped with that, and helped me release my shame. Shame and fear can hide in silence, but have a hard time lingering around when shared in a loving space.

    When we don’t tell our stories, we miss the opportunity to experience empathy and move from isolation to connection. Breaking the cycle ultimately means breaking the silence.

    To begin my healing, I started by cultivating a loving space within myself. I then stumbled into a Buddhist meditation center.

    I talked and cried with others struggling with the same challenges of fear and uncertainty. I took up yoga and explored the scary places of myself. I even I booked a trip to Thailand to volunteer and experience a new culture.

    I took to heart Red’s advice from “The Shawshank Redemption”: Get busy living, or get busy dying.

    To do that, we need to recognize that the pain of staying the same is greater than the risk of making a change, and it’s worth facing the fear of uncertainty.

    Who knows what the future holds, and perhaps that is part of the beauty of life. Each moment is fresh and new and maybe, just maybe, that’s what makes it so precious.

    What’s your idea of courage and how can you expand your pain into growth? How could you reframe the situations in your life to see them as happening for you, not to you?

    And if you are in a spot in your life where you feel scared to take a risk, ask yourself: what do you stand to lose if you don’t change?

    Photo by monkeywing

  • When You Fear Things Might Not Work Out: 3 Helpful Tips

    When You Fear Things Might Not Work Out: 3 Helpful Tips

    Hands in the Air

    “Your belief determines your action and your action determines your results, but first you have to believe.” ~Mark Victor Hansen

    This summer, after three years of dreaming, my daughter and I moved from the city I’ve lived in all my life to my dream city six hours north.

    The season of summer is known as a time when plants fruit, grow, and bloom. In order to harvest new crops we have to have a clear field and clean soil to plant in, right?

    Before we can grow new things, we need to look hard at what isn’t working for us, what isn’t serving us, what needs to go to make space for new, better, more deeply satisfying things to come. That could include work, relationships, ways of spending time, and beliefs.

    Then we need to clean and fertilize our own fields and soil so we can intentionally plant what we want to grow.

    This move was preceded by such huge old beliefs, fears, and heartache that I had to face and work through for us to be able to make this move.

    I felt terrified that I wasn’t seeing things clearly and might not make a decision that would work out well.

    Do any of the below feel familiar to you?

    • Where you are isn’t working, but you’re not sure how to change it.
    • You’re drained and exhausted by a part of your life—a relationship, your work, not enough self-care, no down time.
    • You know the change you want to make, but you’re afraid you can’t do it, you’ll be alone if you do it, or you’ll have no money if you do it.
    • You know a change has to be made, but the path isn’t clear. Maybe you’re not even sure what needs to change; you just know something needs to.
    • You’ve decided to make a big change, but the fear and doubt are making you feel stuck and miserable.

    Having grown up in NYC, I have a natural fear of apartment hunting. In NYC you practically have to commit a crime to find a good, affordable, safe place anywhere near where you want to be. For this reason, I had a deep fear around searching in Portland for our perfect home, even though I knew it wouldn’t be as difficult as looking in New York.

    So I did what I always do when I want to call something into my life: I made a want ad.

    I thought about what I wanted in a home and how I wanted it to feel for us. My ad looked something like this:

    A safe, cozy home for my family, in an aesthetically beautiful part of town, that feels amply affordable, has two to three bedrooms, allows dogs, and has space for us to grow, where we can walk to most things we need, with parking for my car.

    Then I started apartment hunting while in Portland for a week.

    Two to three bedroom apartments in the neighborhoods I wanted were more than I could afford, and most wouldn’t allow any “pit bull type” dogs, like we have.

    After running into this over and over again, I got worried. I had given July 1st as the date we’d be out of our current place. It was June 1st and we were about to go back to NYC, leaving me unable to keep seeing new apartments.

    It would have been easy to get sucked into a place of fear and self-doubt—worrying that we couldn’t find the right place, that I couldn’t afford any of the apartments I was seeing, that my dogs wouldn’t be welcomed, that we’d be homeless in four weeks.

    However, instead of staying in the fear place, I decided to use this situation as a wonderful opportunity to practice having faith.

    I did this by using EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) videos from YouTube, visualizing myself finding the apartment, and believing the apartment was out there.

    Then a friend connected me with her friend who lives in Portland.

    Portland-friend knew someone who was showing an apartment rental for her father-in-law. It was the neighborhood I wanted and the price I wanted but only a one bedroom, which was too small for us.

    But I talked to Renter-Lady and liked her, and she said there was a weird little room on the second floor that had a low ceiling but could possibly be a kid’s room, so I decided to go see it just for fun.

    The house was exactly what I wanted.

    I filled out the paperwork and gave impeccable references. Her concern was that her father-in-law didn’t want dogs there. I assured her that our current landlord would vouch for my pups, and I’d be happy to give them a security pet deposit.

    I filled out the application and walked away. I waited on pins and needles for five days and heard nothing.

    Five days after I’d last heard from her, I texted her to tell her how much I loved the place and asked if I could give her any further info. She texted back that night and said she was so sorry, but it wasn’t just wasn’t going to work.

    Her father-in-law worried that as a single mama with my own business I wasn’t making enough to cover the rent and utilities.

    I sat up in bed and texted her back furiously. I told her that their place was $600 less a month than any other place I had looked at—that it was $50 more than half of our rent in NYC.

    I texted, “How can I show your father-in-law that I’m more than capable of affording this place? Would you like to see three months records of my income?”

    She wrote back that that might help, so I jumped out of bed, ran to the computer, and emailed her my last three months of income.

    The next morning she wrote back: “The house is yours! I’ll email a lease tomorrow! Thanks for jumping through all those hoops!”

    Little-cottage-whose-windows-I’ll-decorate-with-window-boxes-dripping-with-flowers, here we come. 

    What made the difference between the fear place where everything seemed scary and difficult and an uphill battle, and the flowing place where it all worked out?

    1. Clear vision.

    I had a clear vision of what I wanted, what it would look like, and how it would feel to have it.

    2. Belief in my value and worth.

    I fought to convince the owners of house that yes, I do have enough income to pay the rent. My attitude was, “How can I show you how successful I am at what I do?”

    3. Energy management.

    I didn’t stay in a place of fear and doubt, but instead practiced faith, using tools like EFT, prayer, and visualization to focus my energy on what could be, rather than what might not work out.

    You could easily say, “Well, what if I do all these things and don’t get the house, or don’t get the job, or that person doesn’t want to be with me?”

    Energy management is a long-term, sustainable, inner piece of growth. It doesn’t mean that it’s a magic wand that gives you what you want. It’s a growth tool that helps create inner peace and grounding, no matter the outcome.

    So even if I hadn’t gotten this specific house, energy management would have helped me stay positive, which would have kept me focused and proactive, increasing my odds of finding a home.

    Can you think of a situation in your life where you can apply some or all of these tools? What small step can you take today to create something new in your life?

    Photo here

  • Break Free from Fear: The World’s a Kinder Place Than You May Imagine

    Break Free from Fear: The World’s a Kinder Place Than You May Imagine

    Happy Jumping

    “A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.” ~Michel de Montaigne

    When I was an undergraduate in college I signed up to learn the Fundamentals of Modern Dance. My parents were less than thrilled.

    While many of my classmates likely took such a course for an easy A or a chance to revisit their leotard-clad youths, I picked my dance courses with an unannounced and secret ambition to be an instantly amazing dancer.

    This, I felt certain, was a sound place to rest my future livelihood upon.

    At the beginning of each class we were told to travel around the room in as many different ways as we could to warm up. We could roll or leap. A slow walk, a sprint, or a cartwheel were all acceptable.

    One day the teacher commented during this free form warm-up, “You can tell a lot about a person by watching the way they move.”

    I immediately imagined what I must look like to this grad student.

    Tall. Coordinated. Cautious.

    I would drop to the ground for a roll across my bottom ever so carefully, bracing myself so as to avoid any sudden, jarring impact.

    In the world of dance it is aggression and abandon that interest us. It occurred to me in class that day that I had a tendency to tiptoe. This realization began the slow and inevitable sinking of my dreams of being a yet to be discovered dance prodigy.

    And, just as my dance instructor’s words implied, my tendency to be overly cautious as a dancer was representative of how I engaged in other parts of my life.

    During my whole freshman year of college I visited only four places on campus—my classrooms, the gym, the cafeteria, and my dorm.

    Looking back, this seems like exceedingly strange behavior.

    I must have been trying to mimic the life I knew at my parent’s house, where my orbit was similarly contained within home, school, and sports practice.

    In high school the furthest I strayed from this well-monitored agenda was to covertly buy junk food from the convenience store near my house or to stay home from swim practice to watch Oprah.

    I clearly was not a big risk taker.

    At one point in the second semester of my freshman year of college I discovered I was quite bored with this predictable and caged existence.

    I remember sitting at my brightly lit desk in the corner of my dorm room, with my feet pulled up under me, and inspirational quotes on many tiny slips of paper all around me.

    I’d just spent the last hour or more journaling, and I’d run out of things to write about.

    My head felt dull and empty.

    I stared into space and thought of a pin that an elementary school friend had given me that read, “Life begins when you get one.”

    I’d always wondered if that pin had been a jab at my life skills as a fourth grader or if it had simply been a random trinket she’d passed on to me.

    I felt frustrated and cooped up, perhaps in a way I had felt for many years.

    It seemed as though I had much bigger wings than my little quadrant of a life on campus had room for. It was uncomfortable keeping them all bent and crumpled in that small space.

    That night I had the idea to try something new. To break free. To soar.

    It dawned on me that there wasn’t anything truly keeping me in those cramped quarters other than my habits, remnants of overprotective parents’ admonitions, and my own fears.

    Soon after this revelation I went to sleep.

    The next day my courage dawned anew. I would see the world, even if it killed me.

    I did the riskiest thing I could think of: I decided to take the metro into the city.

    I was pretty sure that by leaving the school grounds I was walking into treacherous terrain. My fear drew pictures of knife wielding, dementor-like beings who lived out at the fringes of my known world. If they didn’t get me I was pretty sure that my father would, when he found out I hadn’t listened to his directions to stay put on campus.

    A little before noon I gathered my courage, an apple, and a water bottle and put them into my backpack. I noticed the day was overcast as I walked to the train.

    Once on board I sat with the lumpy forms of my prized possessions clutched to my chest.

    My heart raced. My hands were perpetually sweaty. I was sure I would be found out, but still, I held my ground.

    It surprised me that I survived the metro ride without any harm befalling me. I got off at the Smithsonian stop on the National Mall. I was still frightened as I walked over to a nearby bench and sat down, gathering my wits about me.

    Here’s what I saw. People eating their lunch. People jogging. At one point my breath caught. It dawned on me that the world outside of campus was just regular people doing regular things. I ate my apple under a gray sky that has forever been etched in my heart.

    There really were not any monsters under the bed.

    I sat for a while longer and then turned around and got back on the train. Heading home to campus I felt a wave of pride and relief wash over me. I’d done it. The real world was laughably more benign than the world I’d concocted in my imagination.

    This heady success made me curious and determined to try more scary things. I began speaking up in class. I tried stand-up. I reached out to new people. I quit a job. I started a business. I’ve fallen on my butt in ways that I never would have previously allowed myself to in that dance class years ago. Through it all I’ve not only survived, but thrived.

    What I’ve ultimately learned is this: my fears of the unknown are usually big fat liars.

    Time after time I have tested these fears and found the world to be a much lovelier place than I would have guessed.

    So go ahead and do the one thing that scares you. You just may find that the world is a kinder place than your imagination.

    Photo by Kevin Poh

  • Change Your Life by Turning Shame into Courage

    Change Your Life by Turning Shame into Courage

    “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~Nelson Mandela

    Shame. A word that conjures up all kinds of emotions while equally keeping you silent.

    Some have even said that shame should be classified as a deadly disease because of how it deeply affects the soul.

    Then, there are researchers like Brené Brown who study it.

    It wasn’t until I started working with my first speaking coach that I realized it was actually shame that had kept me “hiding out” and playing small earlier in life.  

    Which is typical of women who have experienced shame. Isolation becomes your friend.

    I had met my coach at a networking event for women in business. She was warm and caring. I shared that it was overcoming the loss of my son to suicide that actually brought me to coaching.

    I told her of my goals of sharing my message through public speaking and advocacy to bring awareness, not only to suicide prevention, but also issues affecting women.

    Except, like most people, I had always had a fear of public speaking. Even to get up and say my name used to make my palms sweaty.

    So why did the thought of standing up in front of the room and speaking bring on major heart palpitations? After all, I love meeting new people, chatting it up, hearing their stories and learning about their lives. There had to be more to the story!

    During our first session, I told her that I thought most of my fears were from a childhood trauma I had experienced. After hearing my story, she said, “You have an element of shame that surrounds your life. You have a fear of judgment.”

    I was worried what people would think of me that didn’t even know me, or anything about me.

    It finally made sense to me.

    It all stemmed from being sexually abused as a young kid. The humiliation, embarrassment, and fear of anyone finding out was still affecting my life.

    Only now, I knew how important it was to share my story, because it could change a life or save a life.

    My life mission was now bigger than my fear.

    On my journey to healing, I read many books. Books on losing a loved one, books on overcoming trauma, books on healing your life, and books on getting healthy.

    I watched Oprah and listened to her inspiring guests.

    One day, something clicked.

    Everything that I had either read or listened to that inspired me to take action and move out of my darkness involved one thing: stories!

    It was not the technical stuff or the how-to overcome (fill in the blank). It was the stories being shared that I could relate to that helped me change my life.

    It was the people who were not afraid to share. They did not let any shame, stigma, or fear stop them because they knew their story might help someone.

    When you go through a trauma or loss, you can easily feel isolated, like you are the only one. But when you are courageous enough to share your story, you soon find out that you are not alone.

    There are people out there in dire need of someone to talk to, that they can relate to, that will understand them.

    Sharing your story empowers others who are feeling isolated to begin their own journey of healing and move forward, to create their own movement, big or small.

    It’s like a snowball effect. You inspire one person, who inspires another person, who inspires another.

    When you are finally courageous enough to share your story, it is a process. Shame will no longer leave you feeling small and powerless.

    You will feel the need to get out there, share your story, and make a difference in the world.

    Now, when I feel fear creeping in, I remind myself that it is not about me; it is about the person who is going to hear my story, feel inspired to change their own life, and create their own movement of change, one small step at a time.

    Photo by Jonatas Cunha

  • 5 Steps to Overcome Fear and Meet Your Goals

    5 Steps to Overcome Fear and Meet Your Goals

    Standing on a Bridge

    “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~Nelson Mandela

    The world can be a scary place.

    As we go through our daily lives, we face many challenges, and often these challenges can bring about fear. We may fear the loss of something, or perhaps the lack of fulfillment. We may experience fear when going on a job interview or a first date.

    The greatest challenge with fear is that it can hold us back from achieving our goals, but it doesn’t have to.

    Over the past six months I have let one fear hold me back from achieving the one thing I feel I wholly deserve. I’ve had a fear of not meeting my soul mate.

    After being single for nearly six years, I felt a sense of loneliness and a desire to build a relationship with someone.

    I turned to online dating last fall, a method I tried for over eight months. I was able to meet many people and enjoyed dinners and walks with potential mates, but nothing ever developed past two dates with the same individual.

    After many dates that didn’t lead to anything long term, I felt deeper fear, sadness, and a loss of hope.

    I came to realize that my desire to meet the person I would potentially spend my life with had manifested into a fear that drove away any hope of building something real and lasting.

    Dating began to feel like a chore, and it became unenjoyable. For love to happen, I had to overcome my fear and enjoy the time I spent meeting new people.

    I believe in the power of intention. But in setting forth an agenda, we must learn to let go and have faith. Things may not happen when we want them to, but often a delay is the result of greater things at work.

    Wayne W. Dyer wrote in The Power of Intention, “if we focus on what’s ugly, we attract more ugliness into our thoughts, and then into our emotions, and ultimately into our lives.”

    Intention is related to fear because if we can trust our own intentions and allow our minds to focus on the potential positive outcomes, we will face less fear in most situations.

    It’s easy to let fear play a part in our daily lives. I’ve had many opportunities to face my fears lately, but I knew little about overcoming them. Alas, I learned several key facts that have broken down my fears and allowed me to focus on achieving my goals.

    These five techniques will help you overcome fear in your daily life:

    1. Start small.

    Fear comes in many shapes and sizes. Facing it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture.

    My fear of living life alone created immense challenges. “I’m going to grow old alone,” I once said. Deep down, I knew this wasn’t true, but my mind had saturated into a restricting fear around the worst-case scenario.

    I broke down my anxiety into smaller, more manageable pieces. Instead of wondering how I could meet my soul mate, I thought about how I could make new friends instead. By focusing on meeting new people, I have increased my odds of reaching my goal without the anxiety and pressure of finding “the one.”

    Instead of focusing on the end result, I can now focus on more manageable goals.

    No matter how large or small your fears may seem, scaling down to a more manageable size will be beneficial. Slowly step out of your comfort zone and begin moving towards your goal.

    2. Have faith.

    While achieving your goal may not happen on your preferred timetable, it is important to have faith that time will bring success. Trusting that achievement is not only possible, but probable will help soften your fears.

    Think back to an event in your life that may have seemed bad at the time but allowed for certain circumstances to occur that brought about a greater and more wonderful event. That’s proof that the world is not against us but is indeed working with us.

    3. Write it down.

    Making a list of your fears is a great way to work through them.

    Writing in a journal has been very helpful for me to overcome my fear of not meeting my soul mate. I have written about particular dates I went on and how the meetings made me feel.

    I’ve found it useful to write down a fear and then describe on paper why I feel I have it. This task has been essential in helping me chart my progress and list what I have learned in the past.

    Writing has allowed me to accept that things are evolving, even if they don’t seem that way—which brings me to the next important technique for overcoming fear: acceptance.

    4. Accept what develops (or doesn’t).

    When I was using an online dating service, every first date felt like a blind date. Profiles only went so far in explaining other individuals’ personalities. I had to accept the fact that the first date might not lead to a second and that he might not be “the one.”

    I had to accept that I couldn’t force a relationship, nor could I force the timing of true love.

    The Dalai Lama said, “If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.”

    5. Let go.

    Letting go can be one of the greatest challenges to overcoming fear. At times, we hold on to something because we feel it empowers us; however, holding on only weakens us.

    Once we have accepted what may or may not develop, we need to detach ourselves from the outcome. Letting go of our fears allows us to focus more on the present moment and less on the fear itself.

    —

    After following these techniques, I no longer have a fear of spending my life alone, because I know and trust that there are great things ahead. Now I can enjoy meeting new people and going on dates without fear.

    Photo by Geraint Rowland

  • How to Be Your Real Self and What’s Been Stopping You

    How to Be Your Real Self and What’s Been Stopping You

    Hiding

    “The more of me I be, the clearer I can see.” ~Rachel Andrews

    This past year has felt a lot like I was running through a supermarket, naked.

    But not as chilly.

    As a life-coach for women, one of my brilliances has to do with supporting women in showing up fully as their shining, marvelous selves—and guiding them through all the work of facing fears, looking at self-worth, re-training brains to focus on abundance and feeling powerful, vs. scarcity and victim-hood, and so many other powerful pieces.

    I make no secret out of the fact that I have had to do all this myself in order to lead women through their own work.

    And working on visibility—showing up as my unique, in-progress, human self—has been at the center of most of the deeply transformational work I’ve had to do in the last year.

    As I’ve worked on building my ability to serve women, I noticed that I, myself, was hiding from shining fully. I was not showing up authentically, not speaking my whole truth, not reveling in who I am and how uniquely different from other coaches I am (as each one of us is!).

    Why was I hiding? What was going on that I was standing halfway in the shadow, afraid of shining in my brilliance, afraid of being 100% revealed as who I am and what I’m here to say?

    I was hiding for several reasons:

    • I had stories about what a successful female business owner “looked” like—and I wasn’t it.
    • I had stories about how I handle (or don’t handle) money—and deep fears about my ability to be responsible if I made a lot more money.
    • I had stories about showing up as an example of a woman building a life I love living because I told myself women wouldn’t look at my life and want to create something similar.
    • I had deep, unhealed wounds from being little, when I felt like I wasn’t seen or heard, when I felt like making my needs known didn’t necessarily get them met.
    • I also found powerful fears around being seen that were created as a pre-teen walking around the streets of NYC and feeling like a target for verbal abuse from men, which made me shrink myself really small so I wouldn’t be attacked.

    When you figure out what’s keeping you from showing up, you can learn how to heal it and move forward, into the light of what you love.

    Why might visibility as your authentic self be important for you?

    • Visibility as your authentic self enables you to create work you love.
    • Visibility as your authentic self allows you to form satisfying romantic relationships and rewarding and supportive friendships.
    • Visibility as your authentic self affects your ability to be generously compensated for the work you do.
    • Visibility as your authentic self affects your ability to create healthy boundaries for yourself.
    • Visibility as your authentic self reflects in your self-care and health—how clear you are about what you need, and then how fully you’re able to ask for what you need and prioritize it for yourself.

    Here’s what I’ve learned:

    The more authentic, honest, and visibly I show up in my life, my business, my friendships, my parenting, and my relationship, the better everything gets. Because everything I create is being built on a rock-solid foundation—a foundation of who I am at my wonderful, loving, talented core.

    And that stuff doesn’t wash away.

    So why are you hiding? See if any of the following reasons resonate for you:

    • It didn’t always feel safe for you to be visible.
    • You’re afraid you might offend, alienate, or intimidate people if you show up authentically.
    • People might not like you, might be jealous of you, or might get angry at you if you said what you think.
    • Success is terrifying.
    • You’re afraid of failure.
    • You have stories about why you’re not _____ enough to be who you are, have what you want, do what you love.
    • You’ve spent so much time hiding who you are, you’re not even sure what’s underneath anymore.
    • Who has time to be authentic?

    Take a second and write down for yourself, right now, how hiding from visibility or your authentic self has seemed to serve you.

    Now, write down how letting go of any fear or resistance to showing up fully you could serve you—what might become possible if you were to show up fully, 100% visible, and authentically you? What might be yours?

    When you are able to see how it once might have served you to hide, to be small, to stay quiet, you’ll be able to begin the work of releasing those old fears and beliefs and step out, into your light.

    Photo by findingtheobvious

  • Stop Asking Yourself Questions That Keep You Stuck

    Stop Asking Yourself Questions That Keep You Stuck

    Jumping

    “Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” ~Dennis Waitley

    We often see success stories about people who have achieved something big. They inspire us and on some level show us that it is possible to achieve our goals.

    However, they rarely help us deal with what goes on in the middle, the point in between starting something new, when we’re full of energy and excitement, and actually succeeding.

    That middle part is generally not pretty. How do you tackle that middle bit?

    Let’s say you’ve taken that first step toward a big dream of yours. You’ve created your own blog, signed up for that course, or announced your intention to start singing professionally, write a book, or start a business.

    You’re so enthusiastic about the project, and you smile when you think about the future.

    Then suddenly a question or two pops up in your head, stopping you dead in your tracks. Freezing you, sucking away all that enthusiasm and energy you started with.

    “Am I good enough?”

    “Can I really make this work?”

    “Am I too old for this?”

    “Do I have enough experience?”

    “Do I know what I’m letting myself in for here?”

    “What if I fail?”

    “Am I making a fool of myself?”

    Sound familiar?

    If you are doing something that takes you out of your comfort zone, chances are you have heard a version of these questions in your head.

    These questions are nothing but our mind’s strategy to keep us stuck where we are, to stop us from taking risks, to help us avoid danger.

    It’s a remnant of a mind that has yet to catch up with the super-fast changes our lives have gone through in the last 100,000 years. The same strategy would have kept us in our caves all those years ago now stops us from doing what we’d love to.

    The problem is that when we’re busy dwelling on these questions, we’re wasting our mind’s energy. We’re not engaging it to think creatively, or to spot opportunities or to help us overcome the challenges we face along the way.

    We’re focusing south when we really want to go north. So what do we do about it?

    1. The most important thing is to be aware of these questions when they come up.

    Chances are you won’t start by hearing the question but instead you will feel a sudden sinking sensation, a loss of hope or of energy. You might start thinking that the whole idea is stupid or silly or not worth the effort. In short, your state will change. With practice you can become aware of when that changing state happens.

    2. Once you become aware of this change, take a moment to explore what you were thinking.

    This is when you are likely to discover that you were making a statement or asking a question that is taking your focus south, instead of north.

    3. Ask yourself: “Is this question or statement helping me move forward?”

    4. If the answer is no, follow up with “What question can I replace it with that will help me move forward?”

    Here’s an example of how this strategy has helped me in my life.

    Twelve years ago I was working as a Business Psychologist with the BBC. As my experience grew I was asked to start running some training courses for different departments in the organization.

    I remember quaking with fear at the idea. I had countless sleepless nights, serious palpitations, and bouts of anxiety. I was incredibly scared of standing in front of a crowd. It felt awful, but I knew this was something I really wanted to do, so I persevered.

    With time I realized that the questions I was asking myself were taking me south. Questions like “Am I good enough?” “Who wants to listen to me?” “What if I forget what I’m meant to say?”

    They were just unhelpful. I worked hard to become more aware of them, and eventually I changed them. I started asking myself “How can I make this interesting?” “How do I keep my audience engaged?” “How much practice do I need to do to feel confident about the material?”

    As my questions changed, my feelings changed, as did my performance. The major reason was that now I was focusing north, which was where I wanted to go.

    Today, I spend most of my week training groups and I also train other trainers. If someone had told me I would be doing this 12 years ago, I would have laughed.

    This strategy has had a major impact on my life and on any projects I work on. It is one of the key tools I use to help others keep motivated and moving forward. I hope it has the same effect on you.

    What questions are taking you south? And what will you change them to, to start heading north?

    Photo by Zigg-E