Tiny Buddha

Tag: Fear

  • How to Stop Weighing Yourself Down with Emotional Junk Food

    How to Stop Weighing Yourself Down with Emotional Junk Food

    Woman Jumping

    “Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” ~Rumi

    I want to feel better. Who doesn’t? Yoga makes me feel better most of the time, but if I am being totally honest, I don’t always choose the healthy option. In fact, sometimes I pick the worst thing for me.

    For me, a plate of BBQ wings really hits the spot. That is, until a few hours later when the salt and protein load kicks in and I feel terrible. Again.

    While I may oscillate between healthy and unhealthy choices for my body, I know how to get fit through gyms, diet programs, and physicians.

    But what about my steady diet of junk food thoughts? How do I stop consuming them and focus on a healthier emotional diet?

    Junk Food Thoughts

    Everyone knows about the negative effects of an unhealthy lifestyle, but no one teaches us about the negative health effects of our thoughts.

    Worry, stress, anxiety, guilt, shame, and fear are the potato chips, processed foods, and chocolate cake of our emotional life. As satisfying as they may feel in the moment, their negative effects are just as toxic.

    And, like we have particular food cravings, we have particular thought cravings.

    My First Emotional Cleanse

    I built a healthcare company and sold it to a Fortune 500 eleven years later. In 2006, I made the decision to change my career and pursue a path toward my passions.

    As I attempted to discover my true desires, I came face to face with my emotional junk food and its effects. I felt terrible, I felt weighed down, and I could not figure out why.

    Like my craving for a plate of BBQ wings, I craved certain thoughts when I faced the decision to leave my job:

    I cannot leave.
    I have to keep my job.
    What am I going to do all day?
    I am going to be so bored.
    I went from $15,000 a year to an executive salary and stock options. Who leaves that?
    My parents will never understand or support this decision.
    There is something else out there for me.
    What if I am wrong and this decision destroys everything I have worked for? 

    The thoughts that I was unaware of were as toxic as the foods I know to avoid. A thought—a single sentence—stood in the way of the life I desired.

    How to Stop Consuming Unhealthy Thoughts

    Tune into your thoughts.

    You cannot stop the negative effects of these thoughts without awareness of their existence. What are your go-to junk food thoughts? What do you tell yourself when you consider changing a relationship, a job, or any other important area of your life?

    What is the exact language? Just like you may love a certain brand of chocolate or a certain type of potato chip, you will have exact language for your emotional craving.

    Accept their destructive effects on your health.

    One sentence can stand between you and your goals. A sentence—a set of words—becomes a belief. This belief will drive your actions. As simple as this is in concept, in practice, changing a few words can change your life. If you change the belief, you can change your actions.

    In my case, removing one sentence, “I can’t leave my job,” changed my life.

    Trade in your junk food thoughts for nutritious thoughts.

    What nutritious foods do you like? Kale? Salads? Smoothies? Veggies and hummus? Likewise, what nutritional thoughts do you like?

    Replace junk food thoughts with nutritional thoughts and free yourself to pursue your dreams.

    Some examples of nutritional thoughts:

    Are you avoidant?

    Today, I will step forward.
    I believe in my abilities.
    I am ready.
    I will take one action a day until I complete my goal.

    Are you angry with someone?

    Today, I will have compassion.
    Anger is poison.
    When others hurt me, they are in pain and I have tapped into my pain.
    I don’t personalize other people’s pain.

    Are you holding on to resentments?

    Today, I will let go.
    Resentments have no value.
    Letting go does not mean I accept this person into my life.
    I am not a victim.

    Are you always behind and do your lists have lists?

    Today, I choose me.
    I will schedule one thing for myself today: a massage, a manicure, a workout, or a quiet room with a book.
    This is my life.
    I drive the choices I make with my time, even if it does not feel like it.

    —

    I wanted to leave my job and step into a career that was more aligned with my passion. One day, I discovered my problem was not the mundane details involved in changing jobs. It was the deep craving for my destructive thoughts.

    This time I reached for a healthier option:

    It is my right to follow my passions
    I am going to write, even if it is not perfect.
    I trust that my path will become clear, even if it is not obvious now.

    With these simple sentences, I changed my career and found the passion in my life that I really craved.

    I still struggle to make healthy choices, but now I understand that I have to forego my favorite BBQ wings and resist my favorite junk food thoughts.

    Jumping woman image via Shutterstock

  • How To Move Forward When You Feel Paralyzed by Uncertainty

    How To Move Forward When You Feel Paralyzed by Uncertainty

    “When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    A woman in a relationship that is breaking her spirit might remain there for fear of what leaving will bring.

    She doesn’t know if she will find another to care for her, and having a warm body is better than having no one. The uncertainty about whether or not she will survive that decision, and be happier for it, keeps her there.

    I know the harsh clutches of uncertainty all too well. It wasn’t long ago that I waffled and wavered about every decision I faced, feeling afraid to make one for fear that some mistakes cannot be undone.

    I resisted relationships because loving led to marriage and then divorce. I resisted starting my business because seven out of every ten businesses fail. I refused to quit the job because it was the only way I thought I could succeed.

    I allowed myself to fall in love only when I was certain that he loved me more and would stay. To ensure that it worked, I planned every detail of the relationship and the wedding.

    Feeling doubtful that this relationship was truly the one I wanted, I was unhappy and silently praying for something to happen to help me out. But I stayed the course because at least I knew what would happen next; I had it all planned.

    My awakening came when my engagement fell apart and there was nothing that I could do about it. I broke into a million pieces. I lost twenty pounds in one week and wept until there were no more tears.

    I had placed a certain level of trust in things working out and was certain that it would. The experience left me paralyzed because “I had it all planned.” What was I supposed to do then?

    I woke up daily gasping for air, knowing I’d go to work where I’d help people and come home to a crumbled life. It was then I knew that if I didn’t move I would die.

    I fought against the emotional pain of the break-up and decided that I would have no more of it. I quit my two jobs, went home, and began packing my bags.

    Two months later I sold my belongings, counted out the little savings I had stashed away for a safety net, and moved back to Jamaica to be with my family.

    I had no fear about what would happen; I had been so fearful for so long and life happened anyway. All I knew was that I needed to have a hand in my own life, to be an intentional co-creator of my reality, to accept uncertainty as a friend.

    So how do you move forward in uncertainty?

    1. Accept that at the root of uncertainty is a fear of failure.

    We’re not afraid that we don’t really know what’s going to happen tomorrow. We’re afraid that what happens tomorrow will be so painful that we won’t survive it. We have already created a worst-case scenario in our minds, and the likelihood of it becoming reality is what really keeps us bound, not uncertainty itself.

    Action Step: Examine your uncertainty. What lies at its root? What emotion comes up when you think about doing the thing that you’re uncertain about?

    2. Understand that failure is a natural part of life, and embracing uncertainty is key to defeating failure.

    Everybody fails, and failure holds the best opportunities for growth. When we succeed without experiencing failure, our account is narrow. A person who can speak to both failure and success has a much more textured life and can help others navigate both waters.

    For every success story that you hear, there are at least ten stories of failure to supplement it.

    Action Step: Talk with someone who you view as successful and ask about the times that they have failed.

    3. Embrace the idea that nothing is completely within your control.

    We saunter into the world daily, ignoring the many risks that we encounter. When we step out the door, we take an enormous leap of faith that we will get to our destination. We trust that other motorists are as diligent as we are. We hope that no one decides to harm us. We assume that we are healthy and nothing will happen to us.

    We hedge our bets with the universe, forgetting that nothing is guaranteed. It is just as likely that you will survive your break-up as it is that you will find another partner. It is just as likely that your business will succeed as it is that it will fail. Life is about taking risks, and without uncertainty, surprises would not exist.

    Action Step: Make note of everything that requires trust in the uncertain. Some of them are automatic, such as driving. Note the times you rely on others to make decisions in your best interest. What are you really in control of?

    4. Be willing to open up to the universe.

    When we release our expectations of what should happen for us, we allow the universe to deliver in ways far beyond our wildest dreams. By dwelling in uncertainty, we limit the space in which the universe has to work.

    Approaching the unknown with openness breeds a multiplicity of experiences that strengthen our resolve and help us grow. I learned my best lessons when I relinquished control.

    I quickly came to understand that in order for me to grow, I had to let go and leap. By choosing to remain paralyzed, I was choosing to rob myself of some of the best experiences of my life, like a new relationship that supports my growth and my beautiful daughter who helps me appreciate life.

    Action Step: Take a situation that you are uncertain about and imagine what could happen if it turns out ten times better than you hope it will. What emotions would you have attached to that experience? How would releasing expectation free you?

    5. “Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens.”

    This quote by Epictetus is an excellent piece of advice. It provides a clear path through uncertainty—taking one step at a time. Sometimes we look at the first step as insufficient, but all you need is one step.

    Once you take that step, the next step becomes easier, and so on. Having too definite a path can serve to block opportunities disguised as surprises.

    Action Step: Think back on all the experiences in which you only saw the first step. How did they turn out? Was the second step anything that you could have predicted?

    6. Take your worst-case scenario and dissect it, asking “what if?”

    “What if?” is a powerful question. It primes us for possibilities and allows us to examine the constancy of our reality. If we are fully devoted to the process, asking “what if” can challenge our perceptions of what is possible for us.

    So what if you did quit your job and had no money? Would you be forced to use talents that you have kept hidden? Would you face your fear of asking for favors?

    What if you left the relationship and didn’t find someone right away? Would you sit with yourself getting to know the you that you forgot in that relationship? Is the worst thing that could happen truly that bad?

    Action Step: Complete this activity with a trusted friend and continue until you can’t think of anything worse. Build a scenario of survival and thriving from your rock bottom.

    7. Keep moving forward.

    Nothing beats uncertainty like facing your fears. Moving forward brings you face to face with risk but also with hope.

    Your life is not the same as it was last year, nor will it be the same tomorrow. When you make an intentional choice to embrace uncertainty, you take back your power. Not only will you be at peace with what may come, you will also have released your attachment to things going exactly as planned.

    Action Step: If you are facing a paralyzing fear of the uncertain, your best bet is to take a step forward. Everyone has experienced the negative effects of uncertainty. The majority has thrived. You are not alone and you can do it.

    What steps have you taken when faced with paralyzing uncertainty? How did you move through it?

  • Overcoming Approval Addiction: Stop Worrying About What People Think

    Overcoming Approval Addiction: Stop Worrying About What People Think

    “What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer

    Do you ever worry about what people think about you?

    Have you ever felt rejected and gotten defensive if someone criticized something you did?

    Are there times where you hold back on doing something you know would benefit yourself and even others because you’re scared about how some people may react?

    If so, consider yourself normal. The desire for connection and to fit in is one of the six basic human needs, according to the research of Tony Robbins and Cloe Madanes. Psychologically, to be rejected by “the tribe” represents a threat to your survival.

    This begs the question: If wanting people’s approval is natural and healthy, is it always a good thing?

    Imagine for a moment what life would be like if you didn’t care about other people’s opinions. Would you be self-centered and egotistical, or would you be set free to live a life fulfilling your true purpose without being held back by a fear of rejection?

    For my entire life I’ve wrestled with caring about other people’s opinions.

    I thought this made me selfless and considerate. While caring about the opinion of others helped me put myself into other people’s shoes, I discovered that my desire, or more specifically my attachment to wanting approval, had the potential to be one of my most selfish and destructive qualities.

    Why Approval Addiction Makes Everyone Miserable

    If wanting the approval of others is a natural desire, how can it be a problem? The problem is that, like any drug, the high you get from getting approval eventually wears off. If having the approval of others is the only way you know how to feel happy, then you’re going to be miserable until you get your next “fix.”

    What this means is that simply wanting approval isn’t the problem. The real issue is being too attached to getting approval from others as the only way to feel fulfilled. To put it simply, addiction to approval puts your happiness under the control of others.

    Because their happiness depends on others, approval addicts can be the most easily manipulated. I often see this with unhealthy or even abusive relationships. All an abuser has to do is threaten to make the approval addict feel rejected or like they’re being selfish, and they’ll stay under the abuser’s spell.

    Approval addiction leads to a lack of boundaries and ultimately resentment. Many times I felt resentment toward others because they crossed my boundaries, and yet I would remain silent. I didn’t want to come across as rude for speaking up about how someone upset me.

    The problem is this would lead to pent up resentment over time, because there’s a constant feeling that people should just “know better.” When I took an honest look at the situation, though, I had to consider whose fault it was if resentment built up because my boundaries were crossed.

    Is it the fault of the person who unknowingly crossed those boundaries, or the person who failed to enforce boundaries out of fear of rejection?

    Looking at my own life, I actually appreciate when someone I care about lets me know I’ve gone too far. It gives me a chance to make things right. If I don’t let others know how they’ve hurt me because of fear of rejection, aren’t I actually robbing them of the opportunity to seek my forgiveness and do better?

    This leads me to my final point, approval addiction leads to being selfish. The deception is that the selfishness is often disguised and justified as selflessness.

    As a writer, I’m exposed to critics. If I don’t overcome a desire for wanting approval from everyone, then their opinions can stop me from sharing something incredibly helpful with those who’d benefit from my work.

    Approval addiction is a surefire way to rob the world of your gifts. How selfish is it to withhold what I have to offer to others all because I’m thinking too much about what some people may think of me?

    As strange as it sounds, doing things for others can be selfish. On an airplane, they say to put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on a child. This is because if the adult passes out trying to help the child, both are in trouble.

    In much the same way, approval addiction can lead a person to martyr themselves to the point that everyone involved suffers.

    For instance, if a person spends so much time helping others that they neglect their own health, then in the long run, it may be everyone else who has to take care of them when they get sick, causing an unnecessary burden.

    Selfless acts, done at the expense of one’s greater priorities, can be just as egotistical and destructive as selfish acts.

    How to Overcome Approval Addiction

    The first way to overcome approval addiction is to be gentle with yourself. Wanting to feel connected with others is normal. It’s only an issue when it’s imbalanced with other priorities like having boundaries.

    What approval addicts are often missing is self-approval. We all have an inner critic that says things like, “You’re not good enough. You’re nothing compared to these people around you. If you give yourself approval, you’re being selfish.”

    You can’t get rid of this voice. What you can do is choose whether or not to buy into it or something greater.

    You also have a part of yourself that says, “You’re worthy. You’re good enough. You’re just as valuable as anyone else.” The question becomes: “Which voice do I choose to align to?”

    This often means asking yourself questions like, “Can I give myself some approval right now? What is something I appreciate about myself?” The next step is to then be willing to actually allow yourself to receive that approval.

    To break approval addiction, remember to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.

    In much the same way, you can overcome approval addiction by equally valuing other important things, such as your need for significance and control. While wanting to control things can be taken too far just like wanting approval, it is the Yang to approval-seeking’s Yin. Both are necessary for balance.

    Questions that typically help me are: “Do I want other people’s opinions to have power over me? Would I rather let this person control me or maintain control over my own life?”

    Finally, there is the ultimate key to overcoming approval addiction. It’s by using the greatest motivator— unconditional love.

    Worrying about what other people think masquerades as love. In reality, when you really love someone, you’re willing to have their disapproval.

    Imagine a parent with a child. If the parent is too concerned about the child’s opinion of them, they might not discipline their child for fear of the child disliking them. Have you ever seen a parent who lets their child get away with anything because they don’t want to be the “bad guy?” Is this truly loving?

    To break approval addiction, I realized I had to ask one of the most challenging questions anyone could ask themselves: Am I willing to love this person enough to have them hate me?

    If you really care for someone, telling them, “You’re screwing up your life” and having them feel the pain of that statement might be the most loving thing you can do.

    This comes with the very real possibility they will reject you for pointing out the truth. However, if you love someone, wouldn’t you rather have them go through a little short-term pain in order to save them a lot of pain down the road?

    On the upside, many people will eventually come to appreciate you more in the long term if you’re willing to be honest with them and prioritize your love for them over your desire for their approval.

    If you have to share a harsh truth, a mentor, Andy Benjamin, taught me that you can make this easier by first asking, “Can I be a true friend?” to let them know what you’re about to say is coming from a place of love.

    —

    I’ve found that everything, including the desire for approval, can serve or enslave you depending on how you respond to it.

    Do you use your desire for approval as a force to help you see things from other people’s perspective, or do you use it as a crutch on which you base your happiness?

    Do you use your desire for approval as a reminder to give yourself approval, or do you use it as an excuse to be miserable when others don’t give you approval?

    Finally, are you willing show the ultimate demonstration of genuine love—sacrificing your desire for approval in order to serve another?

  • How To Calm Your Worries by Admitting What You Don’t Know

    How To Calm Your Worries by Admitting What You Don’t Know

    Woman Arms Up

    “Most things I worry about never happen anyway.” ~Tom Petty

    There was once a wise farmer who had tended his farm for many years. One day his horse unexpectedly ran away into the mountains. Upon hearing the news, the farmer’s neighbors came to visit. 

    “How terrible,” they told him.

    “We’ll see,” the wise farmer replied.

    The next morning, to the farmer’s surprise, the horse returned, bringing with it three wild horses.

    “How wonderful. You are very lucky,” the neighbors exclaimed.

    “We’ll see,” replied the farmer.

    The following day, the farmer’s son tried to ride one of the wild horses. The horse was untamed and the boy was thrown and fell hard, breaking his leg. 

    “How sad,” the neighbors said, offering sympathy for the farmer’s misfortune.

    “We’ll see,” answered the farmer.

    The next day, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

    “We’ll see,” the farmer said.

    This Zen story demonstrates the wisdom of not jumping to conclusions. Have you ever worried about something, only to later discover that your worry was unfounded and untrue? The ego is afraid of the unknown, so it jumps to conclusions in order to feel a sense of certainty.

    In our ego’s need for certainty, we make assumptions. And when we make assumptions, we make mistakes.

    We can never know how the future will unfold. Yet fear convinces us to believe in present circumstances and future outcomes that are totally untrue. This is the origin of worry. Worry is the ego’s way of satisfying itself with an answer—any answer, no matter how irrational it is.

    I worry about many things, big and small. I worry about getting stuck in my career, being rejected in my relationships, not having enough money, and whether or not I will miss the next subway into Manhattan.

    But worry is dangerous. When we worry, we make mistakes. For example, I might make an assumption about you, such as thinking you are angry with me. Then I act on this assumption.

    The false premise of my actions causes me to become defensive. My actions then cause you to make an assumption about me. Since you are unable to see that I am trying to protect myself, you assume I am angry with you.

    Soon we are engaged in mutual anger based on a false assumption caused by worry.

    The truth is, I will never know fully what is in your head, and you will never know fully what is in mine. Therefore, acting under the ignorance of assumption creates a ripple effect of mistakes.

    Imagination + Fear = Worry

    It is common in our society to believe that more thinking is always better. This is not always so. Intelligence is an incredible tool, but over-thinking can be just as harmful as under-thinking. Over-thinking is a sickness that creates paranoia and worry.

    When we over-think, we make up scenarios in our mind and convince ourselves that these scenarios are true.

    Without enough data to make a proper assessment of a situation, our ego hijacks our imagination and jumps to fear-based assumptions. Imagination is usually a powerful creative force, but when imagination is applied with fear, it becomes worry.

    The Universe works in mysterious ways. Embracing the mystery of life gives us a calm within the storm of uncertainty.

    Instead of over-thinking and jumping to false conclusions, learn to relax your thoughts and say, “I don’t know.”

    Trusting uncertainty gives us peace and confidence; and when we wait in stillness without the need for an answer, the truth will reveal itself. The end of fearing the unknown is the end of worry.

    Worry is wishing for what you don’t want.

    Thoughts are magnets that attract our reality. Peaceful thoughts create a peaceful reality. Fearful thoughts create a fearful reality.

    A thought repeated on a regular basis becomes a habit. When a thought becomes a habit, it forms a belief. When a thought forms a belief, it attracts external events that align with your internal state.

    Energy flows where attention goes. When you focus on what you want, it is more likely to come to pass. When you focus on what you do not want, it is more likely to come to pass. When you worry, you send a signal into the Universe that attracts your worry. Your focus over time forms your future.

    Will a single thought of worry cause your worry to come true? Probably not. Will sustaining your worry with attention and focus over a long period of time attract the worry into your life? The more you focus, the more likely it becomes.

    Because focus forms your future, it is important to only concentrate on thoughts you want to actualize.

    Your reality grows from the seeds you plant. The seeds of your beliefs grow into your thoughts. The seeds of your thoughts grow into your actions. The seeds of your actions grow into your karma.

    You are responsible for the seeds you plant, not the results. When you place your attention on the present moment, without attachment to the past or worry about the future, and plant seeds according to your highest intentions, the results will fall into place.

    Worry is an irrational attachment to, or fear of, a specific result. While it sounds counterintuitive, the only way you can achieve a desired result is by not focusing on the result; you must focus on your effort—here and now.

    You cannot change what is already growing. Instead, start planting different seeds.

    We’ll see.

    I still worry. But now, whenever my ego gives me something to worry about, I take a deep breath and meditate in silence for a moment.

    I sit in stillness and reassure myself. “I don’t have enough data to understand how this event will impact my future,” I say. “Perhaps there is a plan in place that I cannot see. I don’t know what will happen next and that is perfectly okay. I will not jump to conclusions. Let’s wait and see what happens.”

    Woman and the sky image via Shutterstock

  • A 60-Second Practice That Will Help You Find Peace and Relaxation

    A 60-Second Practice That Will Help You Find Peace and Relaxation

    “The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh 

    A while back, someone very dear to me entered intensive care. He’s someone I’ve learned so much from, and yet never met. I’ve read dozens of his books, both listened to and watched countless lectures, as well as been inspired to study Zen because of him.

    On Friday, November 14th, after suffering a brain hemorrhage, Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Zen master and peace activist, went into a coma. For the past few weeks, Thay, as his students call him (teacher in Vietnamese), had visited the hospital on a few occasions due to a decline in his health.

    At the age of eighty-eight, he’s lived a long and amazing life.

    He’s considered one of the two foremost Buddhist teachers in the world, next to the Dalai Lama, and was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by Martin Luther King, Jr. himself. Now, he and his loving community must work to help heal the damage and hope that he can make a full recovery.

    I was inspired to write something about Nhat Hanh, who helped me overcome my own anxiety when I was overwhelmed after the birth of my first son. I didn’t know how to pay rent and support my family, and closing in on thirty without having accomplished anything of value in my life, I felt like a failure who was quickly running out of time.

    At Plum Village, Thich Nhat Hanh’s monastery in France, a bell sounds at various moments in the day. The bell is used to notify the monks, nuns, and other visitors of important events, such as the beginning of meditation sessions, lectures, and mealtime.

    But it’s also used for another reason. Any time the bell sounds, literally every waking soul at Plum Village stops. They all just… stop. And in that moment, while the bell sounds, they practice mindful breathing.

    Every monk, nun, and visitor breathes in with mindfulness and breathes out with mindfulness. This is the practice of “going home,” and it’s the practice of reuniting mind and body as one in order to find peace within ourselves.

    The way most of us live our lives, we’re halfway in our heads, bouncing around in an endless stream of thoughts, and halfway in the present moment, only partially awake to what we’re doing.

    This state of semi-consciousness, or mind dispersion, is a state where we’re unable to attain complete rest, our minds are perpetually clouded, we build up stress and anxiety, and we shut off our own source of creativity. In this state, we can never find peace or complete relaxation.

    This semi-conscious state, or mind dispersion, is what the Buddha often referred to as our “monkey mind.”

    Our monkey mind is constantly bouncing from one thought to another. We’re doing one thing (body) but thinking about another (mind).

    You’re driving home from work while you’re thinking about work, and then bills, and then dinner, and then that dinner date with your old friend coming up, and then your daughter’s school project, and then whatever happened to your favorite band because they seemed to drop off the map, and then “When was that TV special again?”

    Then you think about work again, oh and then that sounds good for dinner, and then you look in your overhead mirror and think, “I look tired today,” and then a Sit-And-Sleep commercial for some reason pops into your head and so you start thinking about how you really should get a new mattress soon, and then you think about home again and how the day is passing so quickly, and then…it never ends.

    Mindfulness delicately brings the mind to rest and reunites body and mind as one force.

    When you walk to work, you’re walking to work, and you’re enjoying the walk with all of your being. You’re not thinking about what’s for dinner or what you’ll say to your boss about that project when you get into the office while walking.

    Your body is walking and your mind is at rest. When you drive home, you know you’re driving. You’re not letting yourself be distracted by the passing billboard advertisements or thinking about your overdue bills.

    You’re truly enjoying the drive home in peace and quiet. When you’re sitting down to play with your children, you’re fully present for them, giving them your complete and undivided attention. When you live with mindfulness you’re able to truly appreciate the presence of your loved ones.

    We can use the same principle of the bell used at Plum Village to find peace and relaxation in our everyday lives. By setting up simple alarm reminders on your phone or posting signs on the walls of your bedroom, restroom, or office, you can create your own “bell of mindfulness.”

    Set an alarm.

    Set an alarm to go off every hour, two hours, three hours, or whatever is comfortable for you. (I do once every hour.) Plan to just sit and be completely aware of your breathing for about one minute every time the alarm goes off. It’s just one minute, so it’s easy to fit it into your daily schedule.

    Stop and breathe mindfully.

    Every time the bell goes off, I imagine the bell sounding at Plum Village. No matter where I am, I transport myself to a place of peace and quiet.

    When this bell sounds, everything stops. I don’t listen to the excuses I try to give myself about “Oh, let me just finish this one thing,” or, “I’ll get to that in just a minute,” I stop everything and just breathe mindfully.

    No matter where I am, I stop. If I’m not comfortable, I immediately go somewhere that I am. Just breathe. Let this be your daily vacation time.

    No matter where you are, for one minute every hour you’re transported to a place where you can find peace and tranquility. When you come back you’ll feel refreshed and ready to tackle anything.

    Or, use signs.

    Toward that same end, you can also post physical signs that you type or handwrite and place them on the wall of rooms you walk into every day, such as your restroom, kitchen, office, and even your car. You can write or draw whatever you want on it as long as it reminds you to be mindful during your daily life.

    For instance, you could have a poster or sign that symbolizes breathing meditation in your bedroom that sits on the back of your door. This way, each time you walk out of your bedroom in the morning, you’re reminded to stop and breathe mindfully for a moment before exiting.

    If you tend to rush around at the office and build up most of your stress and anxiety there, you can place one on the back of your office door or laminate and place a small one on the surface of your desk.

    It doesn’t matter what you use, as long as it reminds you to be mindful throughout your day and helps you find peace and joy in the present moment. Use the bell of mindfulness to ground yourself to the present moment, and find peace and joy in each and every day.

  • 6 Things to Do Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others

    6 Things to Do Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others

    Woman Thinking

    “Do not judge by appearances; a rich heart may be under a poor coat.” ~Scottish Proverb

    I grew up believing I was never enough. Ever. Not when I got all A’s in school. Not when I was in the talented and gifted program. Not when my father made more than enough money for me to buy whatever I wanted.

    I became an adult who compared herself to others too, always wondering why I didn’t have what they had or why I wasn’t as pretty or as cool.

    I brought this behavior into my relationships and my business. I would get super jealous to the point of stalking when it came to my romantic partners. I was controlling and pushy because I thought they would leave me for someone better.

    In my business, I would obsess over other entrepreneurs and wonder how they “had it all,” convincing myself that no one cared what little ole me had to say. I played the victim all too well. And it kept me stuck, alone, and broke.

    After a series of dramatic events, including a baby, a layoff, and a divorce—in one year—I hit rock bottom. It sucked, but that’s what it took for me to realize how terribly I was treating myself.

    I committed to making changes in my life, my behavior, and my attitude. I had to embrace who I was and who I was going to become. I had to risk becoming nothing to become something.

    If you catch yourself playing the comparison game often, it’s important to remember one thing: you don’t know anyone else’s story. You can only base your assumptions on what you see, and that’s a pretty shaky foundation to put all your bets on.

    A complete shift in focus and mindset around these behaviors needs to happen. Here are some things I learned to do instead of comparing myself to others.

    1. Compliment them.

    Most of the time, when you are jealous or comparing yourself to others, it’s because you think they have something you don’t. The natural instinct for most of us is to criticize them. We try to pump ourselves up in by putting them down.

    It’s a terrible practice and it puts you at a low vibration, feeling even worse. Instead, find something you really admire about them and compliment them.

    If it’s someone you know personally, send them a message or a note. If it’s someone you don’t know or someone with celebrity status, send a tweet or leave a nice comment on the blog. I guarantee you will brighten up their day and feel good about it.

    2. Believe in yourself.

    You are a beautiful, amazing human being. You were put on this Earth to do something unique. We all are. Unfortunately for some, they never embrace it and end up living unhappily.

    Believe you have a purpose and a mission in this life, whether it’s big or small. If you don’t believe it, then no one else will either. There are few people who will love you unconditionally. You should strive to be one of them.

    3. Embrace your journey.

    The comparison game is a sneaky trick. It makes you think you are on the same path as everyone else. Though some paths may be similar, every person has a different journey. Embrace yours.

    Stop comparing your beginning to someone else’s middle. You have no idea how much this person struggled or how hard they worked to get where they are. Stay focused on your own path and forge ahead.

    4. Find your awesome.

    Along with comparison comes a whole lot of negativity. We start beating ourselves up and talking badly about ourselves for not being as pretty, as smart, or as successful.

    Remember, you are unique and awesome. You have talents, traits, and accomplishments that make you who you are. Write a list of amazing things about yourself and put it somewhere you can see it daily. Make it the background of your phone or computer and read it to yourself all the time.

    5. Feel the fear.

    Most negativity comes from a place of fear. Fear of failure, success, looking silly, or being judged.

    Fear is something that never goes away entirely. The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is their ability to see the fear and continue anyway.

    What are you afraid of? Identify it. Then ask yourself what’s the worse that could happen. Chances are, it’s not as bad as you think.

    6. Live in alignment.

    When I was going through my personal struggles, most of it came because I wasn’t in tune with who I was. I didn’t know what I wanted. I was frazzled. Something felt off.

    I had an insane work ethic, but I didn’t work on my relationships. I was preaching self-care, but I was overweight. When your life is not in alignment, it will always feel like something is missing.

    Take a look at how you’re living. Are you in tune across the board? If not, examine the areas you need to focus on.

    Comparison comes from a place of lack. If you find yourself doing this often, figure out what’s missing and where you can improve.

    Chances are, the person you’re comparing yourself to is reflecting something back that needs expansion. Pay attention and trust yourself. There’s always a deeper meaning. Figure out what it is, so you can move forward.

  • We Are All People Who Need People

    We Are All People Who Need People

    Man Behind Curtain

    “But first be a person who needs people. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” ~Bob Merrill, lyricist, Barbra Streisand, artist

    Act 1: Babs and Me

    Barbra Streisand and I could be twins.

    For starters, we were born on the same day.

    Sure, she got here a couple of decades earlier, but except the part where she’s a rich, famous, writer-director-actress married to James Brolin, and oh, that singing thing, we could have been separated at birth.

    We both have blue eyes and chemically enhanced blonde hair. We speak the same language; in Brooklyn or Philly, you say, tuh-may-duh, I say tuh-may-duh.

    Our cultural heritages are similarly steeped in neuroses and commandments, thus our identical self-confidence issues. A small sampling of the insecurities we share:

    • We are overly concerned with our appearances (but complain about getting dressed and combing our hair.)
    • We have stage fright and always will.
    • We suffer from PTCSD (post-traumatic-childhood self-worth disorder).
    • We only remember our bad reviews.
    • We photograph better from the left, we believe.
    • We want people to like us, mostly so they don’t hate us.
    • We prefer dark rooms filled with people we don’t know to small rooms of people we are supposed to.
    • We worry about money, me a little more than she.
    • We are people who need people.

    “People” was Babs’s first Top 10 hit. When my mom sang along with the “Funny Girl” in the sixties, I thought “People” was a love song. You too?

    Lyricist Bob Merrill’s original hook was “one very special person,” because “Funny Girl” is the story of how singer Fanny Brice found the half that made her whole in gambler Nick Arnestein.

    Lucky her.

    Except, there are two kinds of luck, as Nick learns, and Fanny ends up hungry and thirsty again.

    So Merrill put the kibosh on only lovers being very special in favor of, first, an emotional connection with people. Plural. The new focus reflected a key plotline in the movie: the need for people to be vulnerable enough to ask for help and have more than one person to ask.

    Barbra gave us a glimpse of Fanny’s vulnerability when she sang “People.”

    The audience connected to Fanny when she performed because they saw a real person with self-doubt and sorrows, despite her success. Fanny needed the audience to give her the confidence to come back after she lost everything.

    At the time, Barbra told reporters she too connected with the audience by being authentic. Thus, putting on a show made her vulnerable, to her emotions and to criticism, the worst of which came from herself. Her constant internal refrain was:

    “What if they don’t like me?”

    That’s it, isn’t it? The real feeling deep in our souls? What if they don’t like you?

    And we aren’t acting more like children than children.

    We crave inclusion so much that admitting we want a connection with another person—not even a lover, a fellow human—is as frightening as a death threat. Grown-up pride can’t hide the need to belong.

    So we hid, Babs and me. From the world, for years, for the same reasons, on fraternal twin timelines.

    I went underground a little later than Barbra. At thirty-three, I walked away from public office after seven successful years because I couldn’t live in the spotlight. Despite building playgrounds and guarding the treasury to the acclaim of voters and editorial cartoonists, I drew the curtains on 10,000 constituents.

    Fast-forward to forty and still single, my remaining confidence was shredded like a New York Times review. “One of these things is not like the others, one of these things does not belong” was my hit song. The words are forever imprinted in my brain.

    Stage fright seized Barbra’s confidence at twenty-five, when she forgot the words to a song, in front of 135,000 “voters,” under a literal death threat. Spotlight size is relative, though, so it was essentially the same situation as mine, and so Babs walked away from public performance too.

    What’s more, by her early forties, the great and powerful Ms. Streisand shared my Sadie envy. We had similar spinsterly reactions: we blamed ourselves and then spent years and thousands trying to fix ourselves.

    Working from home aided and abetted my self-imposed isolation for seven years. Barbra tightly controlled, well, everything, for twenty-seven years.

    Lucky her.

    While hiding from paying customers, Barbra used her talent to make the world a better place in performances for protecting the environment and civil rights. I try to make the world a better place by protecting animals and writing about single life. I hope I’m talented.

    We were happy during that time, B & me. Fear was barely an impediment. Life was a Greta Garbo bio-pic. We were content cocooning. Searching deep in our souls, we discovered we were already whole.

    Then we remembered we need people.

    Act 2: Babs and Me, Reprise.

    And people needed us.

    Were we ready for our comebacks? Seems so.

    Barbra hit the trail partly because her calendar was open: two films were serendipitously postponed. She also wanted to secure her financial future. Lucky her, she required only two performances to be set for life.

    A secure financial future is on my trail too, though right now I need two jobs to be set for the year. That said, I’m just about the age when Babs went public again. Give me another twenty years to achieve international fame and fortune.

    Time and money are powerful incentives, but as Barbra declared, “Opening your heart is the goal of the quest.” Ultimately, what brought us both back was the need for connection, with people.

    Despite stage fright and a black hole of confidence, we needed to belong, where we belong.

    So what did we do?

    Like twins, we did the same thing. Babs went back on tour. I went back East.

    While I moved home to Philadelphia, Barbra brought her home to the stage. The set for her first comeback concert looked like a living room, albeit Louis XIV’s living room.

    On her seven-month tour, Barbra had family on hand. On my return, I stayed with my sister for seven months. Needing people and living with them entail completely different kinds of vulnerability. And restraint.

    Barbra managed any word-related worries with Teleprompters. I prompted myself to exchange kind words with neighbors and to meet new friends—no worries.

    Babs had something to do with her hands, and visual aids. Me too—a puppy.

    She told stories, which is my real talent. Amusing anecdotes are mood-stabilizers for me.

    Speaking of drugs, we are both honest about it. Barbra and I benefitted from advances in psychopharmacology. A beta blocker here, an SSRI there, and we can face our mutual under-abundance of confidence.

    Medicine aside, maturity helped. By fifty, we understood that some losses are forever; some things cannot be changed. We realized we are each, first, a person who needs people, and that’s okay.

    Gambling with our vulnerability continues to pay confidence dividends.

    Barbra is able to do public shows whenever she wishes. She re-connects with her audience; she belongs on stage. Going solo in a duo society gives me the confidence to connect with people and to show up, for myself and my friends. This is where I belong.

    Barbra still retreats, hiding in Malibu, with James Brolin. I still hide at home, in Philadelphia, with yet another puppy.

    What’s really funny, girls and boys, is how many of us think hiding behind the curtain or in our bedrooms is riskier than opening night or opening a door. We might feel safe but we won’t ever feel secure without emotional connections. Poets, playwrights, and psychiatrists agree: people really do need people to survive.

    Maybe you have stage fright, and all the world is a stage. Maybe you are shy, or ‘new around here.’ Maybe you made a bad bet at work or love and lost your confidence.

    Take it from Fanny, Babs, and me, be vulnerable. Maybe for the first time, let yourself be a person who needs people and your luck will change.

    Are you ready for your Act 2?

    Man behind curtain image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Fearing the Worst and Worrying About “What Ifs”

    How to Stop Fearing the Worst and Worrying About “What Ifs”

    “Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.” ~Charles H. Spurgeon

    There’s nothing like a real health emergency for putting insignificant worries into perspective.

    By the time I was pregnant the second time, I had left my struggles with anxiety largely behind me. Having been to therapy years earlier to find coping mechanisms for managing my ever-present phobias, I was in a fairly good place when I learned I’d been given a second chance at having a child.

    But worry is as much as part of me as breathing, and having lost a pregnancy the year prior, I spent the first eight to ten weeks of the second one constantly preoccupied with the what-ifs that tend to haunt anxiety sufferers, even reformed ones like me.

    One day in week forty, after many hours of irregular contractions, something told me I needed to check myself into the hospital. It was a different feeling than the one I’d experienced during my panic attacks, which was always induced by the fight or flight response.

    It was calmer, and felt more peaceful. So I listened.

    Once I got there, the midwives discovered my blood pressure was 200/110 (stroke territory). I was in the middle of a hypertensive crisis caused by undiagnosed pre-eclampsia—a dangerous condition that affects a small percentage of pregnant women worldwide.

    They admitted me immediately, and a scene from an emergency room TV drama ensued. Machines screamed. Nurses ran. Doctors were paged. IV’s were administered.

    Between waves of doctors and nurses I learned that if they didn’t succeed in getting my blood pressure down soon, I could seize, stroke out, or suffer irreparable damage to my liver and kidneys.

    To further complicate matters, my son was starting to show some signs of distress, and I got the sense from the folks in scrubs around my bedside that they weren’t quite sure how to manage it.

    Through it all I remained surprisingly calm, somehow at peace with what was happening around me, despite the many hours I’d spent worrying about just such an event in the past. I felt saddened by the possibility of dying—or worse, losing my son—but not panicked or afraid.

    When my son was born, healthy and strong by emergency C-section, then I truly understood the futility of my past concern.

    Having survived the incident unscathed, I spent the next six years of my life working on building the skills that keep the time-suck that is anxiety from ever coming back.

    If I had to tell my past self something I’ve learned to prevent unnecessary suffering, it would go something like this:

    Don’t argue with a fool. (People may not know the difference).

    One piece of advice for anxiety sufferers I read and hear often is to take a deep breath and reassure yourself that you are safe, your anxiety can’t hurt you, and your fears are all in your head.

    Anxiety is irrational, and no amount of rational thinking will banish unnecessary worry or anxious thoughts. In fact, trying to fight irrational thinking with logic can be counterproductive and lead you down the rabbit hole of self-doubt.

    Instead, respond to irrational fears by accepting that there is a (however remote) possibility that what you fear may come to pass, but also trust that if it does, you will have the tools to manage it.

    Don’t ask others to argue with a fool.

    Mental illness is tough, and having support from friends and family is key to making it through unscathed to the other side.

    Asking your friends and families to tell you why your fears are unfounded and your worries are irrational is not asking for help—it’s asking for validation.

    Many of us suffering through anxiety believe that if we can’t trust our own logical arguments for why everything is going to be okay, maybe someone else can make it okay for us.

    This kind of behavior often serves to undermine your self-confidence and create codependent tendencies, since you’re relying (most often very ineffectively) on others to manage your anxiety for you.

    Find a more productive focal point.

    A few years before my pregnancy, when I was first treated for anxiety, my therapist taught me a trick I carry with me to this day.

    Anxiety needs a focal point, but with a little sleight of hand you can find one that is less disturbing than your worry.

    When embarking on a trip to Cabo for my friend’s wedding (I’m afraid to fly), she told me to wear the most uncomfortable outfit I could tolerate for the flight. I chose a tight, itchy strapless corset, and spent a good nine hours trying to fight the garment’s pinch.

    Guess what I wasn’t doing, though, while cursing my existence? Worrying about plane crashes.

    Over time, I’ve found many other tools to help me stay present and banish unnecessary concerns. If I have a legitimate worry, I take action to mitigate risks and try to move on with my life.

    If there’s nothing I can do, I occupy my mind with something else. I practice yoga. I wear itchy underwear. Most of all I trust. I trust that I can deal with any unexpected hurdles life might throw my way.

    And if for some reason I encounter one I can’t manage, it simply was meant to be, whether it’s what I want for my life or not.

    And then I move on and enjoy the moment. Or at least I try, anyway.

  • 7 Ways to Live a Less Fearful, More Peaceful Life

    7 Ways to Live a Less Fearful, More Peaceful Life

    Peaceful Man

    “We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when adults are afraid of the light.” ~Adapted from Plato

    I was digging in my half-empty refrigerator one day, searching for leftovers, when my phone rang. I glared at it wondering who the hell had the nerve to interrupt my hunt for sustenance.

    I grabbed the phone with pure agitation and put it to my ear. On the other end of the line I heard a faint voice mutter the three most unforgettable words I had ever heard: “Dad is gone.”

    The faint voice belonged to my stepmom Rose. She told me that dad was headed for surgery that morning when he had a massive heart attack. She said that he sprang up in bed and reached out to her with his eyes stretched open in terror. And that was it. He was gone.

    As an anxious twenty-two-year-old, suffering wasn’t new to me, but this was different. It wasn’t long after my dad died that I spiraled into daily panic attacks and became a whimpering victim of anxiety.

    We all encounter fear sometimes—it’s normal. But I did it all wrong. I let it control my life. After my dad passed away, my days were usually filled with uncertainty, self-doubt, and misery.

    I later wondered if the same fate awaited me, to the point where I developed all kinds of phobias: health phobia, social phobia, and a crushing fear of death. I was truly lost.

    Fear became my new normal. I allowed my negative thoughts to shape my reality. I stopped believing in myself, in other people, in the future; all of it seemed meaningless.

    Over the years I struggled to tame my fears, and if I’m being totally honest, on some days I still struggle. The good news is that I don’t stay stuck like I used to.

    I’ve learned to understand my fears for what they really are, rather than what I imagine them to be. And I live with less fear every day because of seven rock solid tips that I learned after losing my dad.

    1. Relax.

    When we are fearful, we get tense without even knowing it. Learning how to let go of tension was a key factor in my recovery from fear and anxiety.

    I learned progressive muscle relaxation exercises and practiced daily. I learned that making peace with your body is a great way to make peace with your mind.

    2. Find your inner observer.

    I had no idea that I had one, but there is a part of the mind that is able to observe thoughts without judgment or expectation. Getting in touch with your inner observer weakens the power of fear and reduces “what if” thinking.

    Meditation is hands down one of the best ways to train yourself to identify and strengthen this part of your mind.

    3. Reframe.

    Words are powerful. The ones you use to describe life and all its challenges will not change what happens to you, but it can change how you feel about it.

    Instead of obsessing over my “palpitations,” I reframed this as “I’m nervous.” Reframing helped me to form positive perspectives about all kinds of stuff.

    4. Be mindful.

    When I was really anxious I lived in the past or the future. I totally forgot about living my life in the present. Take the time to enjoy today.

    5. Connect.

    Fear has a way of isolating us from ourselves and others. But it’s important to remember that connecting with other people is a vital part of a healthy life. Reach out!

    6. Challenge your fears.

    Do you want to know how absurd fear can be? I used to fear soft drinks! Well, actually, I was afraid of caffeine, but seriously. Challenging your fears builds self-confidence and over time ensures that you get to live the full version of your life.

    7. Be kind to yourself.

    There is a 100% chance that things won’t always go your way, including being afraid when you don’t want to be. Don’t punish yourself for being “stupid” or “weak,” though. It’s okay to be afraid sometimes. The question is: What are you going to do when fear comes to your doorstep?

    When I’d get anxious, it was because I didn’t believe that I had what I needed to be okay. But the truth is that we all do—somehow, someway, we always do.

    And therein lies the “secret” to living with less fear: the realization that you do have the means to weather any storm. That you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

    Peaceful man image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Things You Can Start Doing Today to Improve Your Life

    3 Things You Can Start Doing Today to Improve Your Life

    Man Jumping

    “The grass is always greener where you water it.” ~Unknown

    Have you noticed that when we’re unhappy we often spend our time focusing on those very things that are making us unhappy?

    My life has had its ups and downs, like anyone, but one of the lowest lows was back when I had a graduate job at a big four accounting firm.

    I was completely stuck in a rut: I’d drag myself out of bed in the morning, commute to work, spend the day in an office full of people I didn’t like, doing work I found mind-numbingly boring and unfulfilling, go out and drink too much in the evening, often with those same colleagues that I didn’t much like, get a late bus home, and then do it all again.

    I was bored, unhealthy, and unhappy.

    I spent all my energy doing things I didn’t enjoy with people who weren’t my tribe, and then drowning it all with a bottle of wine.

    But it hasn’t always been like that, and I’ve worked out my own tools to turn life on its head and spend my time being happy.

    Now I focus on making every day joyful, and living a life filled with fun, happiness, and adventure.

    As Seth Godin says, “Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don’t need to escape from.”

    And that, my friends, is where I come in.

    There are three small but impactful shifts any can make to start improving their life. They may feel daunting initially, but these three shifts will start to make your life different—and better—day by day.

    1. Make some space.

    “Busy” is the new buzzword. Lots of us rush around cramming our day full of unfulfilling activities, and when someone asks how we are, we sigh, “Busy…”

    Have a look at your calendar and see how much time you’re spending doing things that don’t rock your world.

    Do you always say “yes” to meeting up with your husband’s brother’s wife even though you leave feeling drained and unhappy?

    Do you say “yes” to meetings at work that you know beforehand are just going to waste time and cause you to stay late to finish off your real work?

    Do you find yourself out with friends at expensive restaurants where the cost means you spend the night worrying about the bill and not having fun?

    All these things are negotiable! Start saying “no” to events and people that drain you. No need to provide excuses or justification, just politely bow out.

    The more you say “no” to the things that don’t fill you with joy, the more time you have available to do said joyful tasks.

    It can feel scary to begin with—you may end up with free time in your calendar, and lots of us worry that people won’t like us for saying “no.” That’s normal! But are you willing to face those fears to open your life up to make you happy every day?

    2. Do something that scares you.

    Maybe making space in your schedule is already pushing you out of your comfort zone. Great! But I bet there are plenty of things that you’d love to do to fill the space that make you feel jussstttt a little bit nervous.

    These things help expand us, and doing things that start from a place of fear helps free us of the fear and expand our comfort zone. So scare yourself today, and you’ll be less scared tomorrow.

    These scary activities don’t have to be earth shattering. My first list of scary tasks included calling a girl I wanted to be friends with, answering my phone every time it rang (I’d gotten into the habit of screening almost all my calls, even though I love chatting with people!), and joining a dance class.

    See, they’re all simple, but each of them had the effect of improving my life when I did them.

    As you start living from your growing edge and consciously pushing yourself to do things outside your comfort zone, the zone will expand and you will find a renewed confidence in yourself and your abilities.

    3. Do something you love.

    I love to read; I always have. When I was a kid, my dad described it as voracious.

    I’d read all the time—when I went to bed, when I woke up on the weekends, in the afternoon after school. Still, one of my favorite indulgences is when I have time on the weekends to wake up without an alarm and just read in bed until I’m too hungry and have to get up and eat some eggs.

    But when I’m busy, tired, and stressed, it’s one of the first things to go. Huge error! I find myself zonking on the couch in front of TV, getting more and more drained and tired. But I noticed the pattern, and I consciously make time to read now. I love getting lost in a beautiful novel.

    What’s your “thing”? What are a few things you love to do? Read, chat on the phone with friends, go for walks in nature? Write down a list of a few of these things and do one of them every day.

    Maybe pick small things for weekdays and something bigger for the weekends so you don’t overwhelm yourself, but focus on the things you love to do and make it a priority to spend your time doing things that make you happy.

    —

    Once we’ve made some space, written down things we love to do, and started recognizing the things that we’re holding off doing because they’re scary, it’s time to do!

    Take your calendar and book it in. Cross out that thing you’re going to say “no” to, and write in something scary and something you love.

    Make it happen, make the commitment to improve your life in a small way every day. A little bit of daily action will get you further than one huge burst of energy every month.

    It’s your life. Choose to make it amazing.

    Man jumping image via Shutterstock

  • Fear Is Inevitable but It Doesn’t Have to Paralyze Us

    Fear Is Inevitable but It Doesn’t Have to Paralyze Us

    Man on Edge of Cliff

    “Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” ~Isabel Allende

    I woke up with a knot at the pit of my stomach, yet again. For as long as I could remember, I carried this intangible lump inside me. It went with me everywhere.

    I am fairly certain it woke up with me, and there was a small span of time when I was in the deepest of sleep when it took a break.

    Terrified—that’s how I felt all the time. Muscles taut and butterflies in my stomach. I was a wreck, ready for a meltdown anytime. It was many years later that I could put a name to it. It was fear.

    Through my teens and twenties, I tried to cope with fear of different kinds—fear of public speaking, fear of authority in school and at work, fear of displeasing someone, fear of saying “no,” fear of not being loved or appreciated, fear of my own shortcomings and their implications on my life…

    The list was very long and I couldn’t articulate it then, which made life much harder.

    Recognition of a problem is always the first step, and it was eluding me. Fear confused me because I could never point it out as that.

    We are not taught how to recognize and deal with fear in schools. (I really wish we were.) It was merely a “physically uncomfortable feeling.” “One day I will figure out what the hell this is.” That’s all I could muster at that time.

    Fear defined me. Omnipresent and overpowering, it was constantly present.

    I never thought I could reach out for help. Approach my parents with a “Mom, Dad, I suffer from great fear—fear of everything”? Nah! And coming out to friends would make me look weak or not good enough. Not happening!

    I often wondered if other people faced anything similar, or was it just me. It isolated me to a corner.

    Then one day, I stood up from the corner. Fear had consumed far too much of my time and I was tired of running from it. And frankly, I didn’t know what else to do.

    I started reading books on fear, watched any video I could find online on the topic, and journaling about my feelings. Devouring every piece of information I could find, I was ready to defeat it. Surprisingly, I started the process of understanding fear instead.

    And then came the AHA moment—the realization that I don’t need to protect myself from fear; I just need to accept it and then let go.

    It comforted me to know that it’s a universal phenomenon and that everybody, including the most successful people in the world, suffer from fear. I was not the only one after all. When fear came in, I knew it was normal to feel it, and the question then was: What am I going to do with it?

    Fear hasn’t left me yet. It drops by every chance it gets. But it’s no longer an enemy. It’s now a sticky friend who needs to be skillfully managed.

    Fear will never not be there, just like different experiences will always bring about the same gamut of emotions in us.

    Fear is largely based on the truths we have told ourselves. It’s a direct outcome of historic data in our minds, making millions of permutations and combinations of stories that may have nothing to do with our lives.

    One step that really helped in my journey was to question the underlying truth every time I experienced fear. A hundred percent of the time, I realized I completely made it up. I made up my “truths.”

    Slowly and steadily, I started changing the building blocks in my mind. For example, if I don’t say my “yes” to my boss for one more piece of work, he will not shoot me!

    Or, if I say “no” to my friend’s invitation, she will not hate me forever. (And even if she does, what’s the underlying truth there?)

    These things are just not factual or realistic; they’re at best hypothetical. The trick is to be honest about the underlying data we harbor. Once that cat is out of the bag, fear is vulnerable.

    What can we do?

    Separate yourself from your fear.

    The first big win is to recognize fear as a separate entity than us. This helps us with objectivity, which is precious in these situations.

    Accept fear.

    Know that fear will always try to sneak in. That’s just what it does. How we respond to it is in our hands.

    Study your fear.

    Really study it. What are you feeling? What is fear threatening you with this time? Is it really true that this can happen? If it does happen, what will it really do to you? Can you deal with what will happen?

    Connect with your soul.

    As long as we are centered and grounded, our soul will guide us. All fear finds its genesis in the risk of losing our lives. When we are really connected to our soul, we realize how formless and indestructible our true selves are. And that sets us free.

    How do we connect with our soul? Silence, prayer, and meditation are three tools that I bring into my days as much as I can. They help me ground and bring alignment into my life

    Last but not the least, be amused.

    Be amused by the heaviness it brings to our lives out of events that may be insignificant in the bigger scheme of things. Being late to a meeting, an uncomfortable conversation, failure of all kinds, they are never really as catastrophic as we make them out to be.

    A more balanced perspective will guide us through those trying times when fear gets the better of us. Let’s understand fear better instead of letting it control us. Life is too short and too beautiful to give in.

    Man on the edge of a cliff image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Holding Yourself Back and Start Proving What You Can Do

    Stop Holding Yourself Back and Start Proving What You Can Do

    Woman with suitcase

    “The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” ~Sylvia Plath

    Singing professionally has always been something I have wanted to do. Always. The home I grew up in wasn’t a particularly musical household, unless you count playing the radio as playing an instrument.

    To my benefit, there was a lot of music in our home ranging from gospel to the Beach Boys; but really nothing beyond the sixties was allowed unless it was a spiritual song of some kind. So, I sang in the church choir and later I helped lead the music for Sunday morning services. Anything to sing.

    As a kid, I loved to make up songs. It wasn’t songwriting in my mind; it was playing with words. For example, changing the lyrics to “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” for a friend moving away or playing with a melody because I loved it.

    The problem was there was no one around to tell me it was any good or anyone who knew enough about music to encourage a budding talent. As a kid, I thought this meant I wasn’t good enough.

    The logic that reigned was if I had something worth praising, someone would tell me. When no one did, I took my talents, dreams, and hopes underground.

    Hiding became my normal because I loved music, and since I assumed I wasn’t any good, why put it out there for anyone to criticize? I was too sensitive for such judgment.

    When given the opportunity in the fifth grade, I began to play in the orchestra. I played the violin, or was it the viola? I can’t recall. All I can remember is the hideous screeches of “Hot Cross Buns.”

    As soon as band was an option, I switched to the flute and fell in love with music in a whole new way. Still, I believed I was no good. The question that seemed to always ring out was, “Do I have what it takes?” When no one responded, I assumed the answer was, “No!”

    It’s silly looking back because I never really asked the question, attributing people’s lack of interest or encouragement as rejection and an affirmation of my inability.

    Everything was confirmation of my lack of talent.

    Like my mother’s warning about the reality of the music industry. Her explanation that it was a tough business meant in my head “You aren’t very good.”

    The high school talent coordinator telling me I was better on the flute and should be doing that instead of singing equaled “You aren’t a great singer.”

    The flat out discouragement of a church music director saying I was “pitchy” (which I now know was only a matter of bad technique) made me think “I guess I will sing back up forever.”

    When I auditioned for American Idol and heard, “You’re good but not what we are looking for,” that was the nail in the coffin.

    Why even try? Everyone had told me I wasn’t good enough. Inside I was asking the question “Can I?” and the response was “No!” It took me a long time to realize it wasn’t the world, my music teacher, or even my mother’s job to answer the question “Can I?” It was my job.

    One day I decided I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. This thing called music screamed inside to be let out. Finally, I decided songwriting and singing had been gifted to me for a purpose, and I was going to see what that purpose was. Insecurity would no longer be my prison.

    It hasn’t been an easy road but the question has changed. Now I ask myself “Why wouldn’t I?” Could it be fear? That is a terrible reason to quit anything. Rejection? I will face that no matter what I do. Failure? I guarantee failure by not trying.

    Just changing the question made a world of difference. Not relying on others to answer a question only I was responsible for made me feel empowered.

    I still battle insecurity and I still ask myself the wrong questions but more and more I ask myself the right one. Why wouldn’t I? Try it and see what happens in your life.

    I surprised myself. You might surprise yourself too. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and will be your cheerleaders. Don’t take no for an answer, even if the person saying “No!” is you.

    Woman with suitcase image via Shutterstock

  • Why You Don’t Need to Eliminate Self-Doubt and Fear

    Why You Don’t Need to Eliminate Self-Doubt and Fear

    Man at sunset

    “The more you hide your feelings, the more they show. The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow.” ~Unknown

    Self-doubt has been a companion that has followed me around like a trained dog follows his master. Every step I’ve made outside of my comfort zone, it’s been there, right beside me.

    Moving from Germany to England to attend high school, I was full of high hopes and aspirations. But despite my intensive English course and hard work, I could hardly understand anyone in the first few weeks.

    Feeling left high and dry by my so-called “English skills,” I started feeling shy and nervous. My German accent made me sound different, and doubtful thoughts like “Can I ever cope here?” and “Do I belong?” entered my head.

    Whatever it is that you want to accomplish, should that be starting a new chapter in your life like I did, doing creative work, or changing your career, self-doubt and fear can creep up.

    The problems start when fear and self-doubt take over, when they stop you from doing what you once loved to do or from taking the actions you know you need to take to move ahead. This kept me wondering: What’s the right way to deal with self-doubt and fear?

    Entering the War

    I was taken over by society’s notion that self-doubt and fear were bad things that I urgently needed to eliminate.

    At the beginning of high school, I avoided interacting in class and kept away from meeting new people to calm down my fear.

    Today, I see I was simply running away from these difficult feelings and thoughts. I did everything to avoid being in the horrible situation of having to repeat myself because the person I talked with didn’t understand what I was saying.

    But trying to avoid difficult feelings and thoughts can become a trap, if we start constructing our life in a way that allows us to avoid them instead of constructing our life around our desires and dreams.

    What’s known as “experiential avoidance” can take over our lives.

    For me, avoiding uncomfortable feelings meant avoiding fun opportunities such as being part of certain sport teams or going out with friends. By avoiding situations that could bring discomfort, I enormously reduced the amounts of joy and fun that I could have had.

    But who says we need to eliminate or run away from our feelings and thoughts?

    Eckhart Tolle wrote, “Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.”

    So, what if we could stop striving for elimination and learn to accept self-doubt and fear as our companions? If we let the dog be where it wants to be?

    Diving deeper into the philosophy of ACT (acceptance & commitment therapy), I discovered that there was an alternative way to deal with self-doubt and fear: the path of acceptance.

    The 3-Step Process to Deal with Self-Doubt and Fear

    Self-doubt and fear are normal human reactions that we all experience, no matter how “far ahead” or successful we already are. So, why we are still surprised when they show up? Here are three steps that I wish I knew back in high school.

    1. Witness.

    Become aware of what’s going on inside of you; witness the voice inside your head when it speaks from a place of fear and doubt. What is that voice saying?

    The majority of your daily thoughts are repetitive. Sometimes your mind just tells you different versions of the same old story.

    Observe your thoughts and feelings. Witness when you’re playing your “self-doubt story.” Like an internal observer, simply watch and notice in a loving and self-caring manner, without harshly criticizing yourself for anything that shows up.

    2. Accept.

    Accepting means allowing your fear and doubt to be within you, to give them room, and not try to escape them. Whatever thoughts and feelings come up inside of you, start to be okay with them.

    Stop resisting what you feel and think, and soon you’ll develop the capacity to hold your difficult feelings and thoughts inside you.

    As Russ Harris, author of the bestselling book The Happiness Trap wrote: “Your capacity to accept pain directly related to your long-term happiness level.” Because anything that matters to us comes with a whole range of difficult thoughts and emotions. Avoidance is not the answer.

    Despite them being painful, they are not the problem; your reaction to them is. Problems arise when you try to get rid of or control your self-doubt and fear.

    Today, I’m still sometimes in the situation where people don’t understand my English or I don’t understand what they are going on about. But I accept that’s just the price I pay for talking in a language that’s not my native one.

    When you start accepting how you feel and think in any given moment, you start noticing that feelings and thoughts are just like clouds in the sky—they are merely passing by.

    Also, become aware of the urges that may come up to escape or eliminate this fear or doubt. Simply notice the urge, hold it inside you, and realize you don’t need to act on it.

    Whenever I feel the urge to not talk to someone or not take part in something, I try and catch myself and act on what I truly desire: making meaningful connections and enjoying life to the fullest.

    3. Shift your attention.

    Your mind isa past-future based machine designed to keep you alive and alert of dangers. Your doubt and fear are there to keep you within your comfort zone and, therefore, safe.

    So, whenever unhelpful thoughts enter your head, thank your mind for doing its job. It is just trying to keep you safe! Next, shift your attention back to the activity in hand.

    I had to learn to shift my focus away from worrying and hoping that I did not have to repeat myself to focusing on the actual interaction and on what I wanted to say.

    Venerable Wuling, author of Path to Peace, wrote,  “In a task, we can control the effort but not the outcome.”

    So, let go of the need to control it, because you can’t. I can’t control if my counterpart understands what I am saying. But I can control how well I articulate myself.

    When you cling onto the idea of how something should turn out or should come across, you create stress and fear. Have an intention of what you want to do and achieve, but stay open to the actual and maybe even different outcome.

    Today, I believe acceptance is the best way to deal with fears and doubts—to witness and not resist what’s showing up inside and instead shift focus back to the task at hand.

    What’s your experience with doubt and fear?

    Man at sunset image via Shutterstock

  • Finding Happiness on the Other Side of Fear

    Finding Happiness on the Other Side of Fear

    Jumping Man

    “Most of us have two lives: the life we live, and the unlived life within us.” ~Steven Pressfield

    We are so scared of the unknown. Anything that we haven’t yet experienced can lead to fear.

    I will forever remember my first time skydiving. I was absolutely terrified. Are you sure this parachute is going to open up? “No ma’am, it’s not for sure. But it’s highly likely.” Great.

    During pregnancy, I was scared nearly every day for nine months as I wondered, “How in the world is that going to come out of there?” Well, one thing was for sure—it was going to happen one way or another. I drove myself crazy wondering what in the world that was going to feel like.

    At the moment, I’m scared of mountain biking. This guy I’ve been hanging out with has been asking me to go with him for the last couple of weeks. He’s really good at it. He has been on a bike probably more than he’s been on foot, on average, throughout his entire lifetime.

    Let’s face it; I’m scared I’m going to fail. I’m scared I might not be able to make it up the bunny hill while he’s up ahead charging Mount Everest.

    Did you notice how I so safely called him this-guy-I’ve-been-hanging-out-with? I’m scared to call him my boyfriend because I haven’t had one for over four years.

    I don’t know what would happen if I did call him “boyfriend.” People might see me differently. He might not be ready for it. Maybe I wouldn’t be a challenge anymore and he would change his mind about me. Maybe I would change my mind about him.

    What if I suddenly had no more precious alone time?! I would surely die of exhaustion. We haven’t even been hanging out that long. Isn’t there some kind of time chart that I could reference for this? Yeah, clearly I shouldn’t call him boyfriend yet. Scary.

    I was severely depressed for the good majority of my life. I didn’t really know what contentment felt like. I didn’t realize that it came from within; I thought it came from the outside. 

    How could I be happy in the crap-hole town I lived in? How could I be happy with a slightly pronounced nose on my face? (I even got plastic surgery at age twenty because I was so unhappy with it.)

    How could I be happy with my peers around me always judging me? How could I be happy with these people picking on me? Oh, alcohol? Yes please, thanks. How could I be happy when I’m always hungover?

    How could I be happy when I lived in a low-end middle class family that never took me on vacations or took me on big back-to-school shopping trips that would fill my wardrobe with impressive fashion styles to show everyone else how cool I was?

    Oh, that popular chick is having a garage sale down the street? Score. My problems were probably small but they felt larger than life.

    I look back on my life at the point when I started to turn around my depression (because eventually I did, 100%). I was scared. Happiness was an unknown to me at the time.

    Happy was something that I was not, and I identified with who I was very well. Even though I was unhappy, I knew what that felt like. It oddly felt like home. It was familiar and safe.

    I knew what my day would look like and feel like and taste like and smell like. I knew that when somebody hurt my feelings I could retreat to my corner and cry it out and ask myself “Why me, oh unfair Universe, why me?!”

    You know what I was even more scared of? What if I succeeded? What if I became happy and lost my identity? Forgot who I was?

    What if my friends started calling me names and saying things like “Hey, here comes Andrea, that Happy Idiot. Man, she’s so annoying. Here she comes and she’s going to spew that happiness sunshine all over us again.”

    Would I even know how to deal with every situation that came my way when I became happy? What if I became happy and then went back to being unhappy again?

    Oh man, that would be even worse. To taste it and then somehow involuntarily spit it back out, as if somebody was giving me the Heimlich maneuver as I was attempting to swallow a delicious bite of the most heavenly chocolate cake on the planet. Yeah, no thanks. I love cake.

    Seriously, though, I did grow up with a mother who struggled to find her happiness for as long as I could remember. I wanted nothing in the world more than for her to be happy from day one.

    One of my greatest fears was that I would become happy and I would leave her behind. I didn’t want to rub it in her face. I wanted her to come with me. What if I succeeded… and she resented me? Why do I always feel so selfish?

    I went through with skydiving. It was one of the most thrilling, freeing, incredible, indescribable moments of my life. The parachute did actually open. If I didn’t ever jump out of that plane I would have no idea what it really felt like. It can’t be put into words.

    I did eventually have my baby following pregnancy (whew). She was born via planned C-section because she was breech. It was probably the most memorable moment of my life so far.

    I can remember the smell of the operating room, I can remember every word exchanged between the doctor and nurses. I can remember how the doctor remarked “1:11 PM” as my girl wailed her first cries of out-of-womb existence.

    Sometimes I’m a bit sad that I don’t actually know what labor feels like (yeah, crazy, I know). I still don’t know if I could successfully make that come out of there. But it was amazing all the same. My girl is the light of my life.

    I’m going mountain bike riding tomorrow. I’ll get back to you on it (if I survive). The guy-I’ve-been-hanging-out-with thing is going one day at a time, as it should, so I’ll get back to you on that too.

    I became happy. In fact I decided I wanted it so bad that I would do everything in my power to make it happen. I researched, I went to nutrition school, I read self-help books, I changed habits and perceptions.

    My mom is doing great. In fact, she seems happier now too. I still have my friends and they don’t call me Happy Idiot (to my face). I eat heavenly chocolate cake at least once a month, and I even swallow it entirely.

    My point is that happiness is often on the other side of fear. You know when you’re going to have one of the best moments of your life? It’s when you’re terrified and you somehow push through anyway.

    It’s when you stop procrastinating and you just do it because that’s where the magic is. We procrastinate when we’re afraid. It’s so much easier to avoid something than it is to face it. But we’re not here to take the easy way, oh no, we’re here to have incredible experiences.

    It’s time. Right now. Not tomorrow but today.

    Are you scared? Good, be excited instead. You’re about to have a soul-changing experience.

    Man jumping image via Shutterstock

  • A 10-Step Guide to Uncovering the Wisdom in Anxious Thoughts

    A 10-Step Guide to Uncovering the Wisdom in Anxious Thoughts

    Peaceful Woman

    “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

    Contained within your fears is genuine wisdom waiting to be discovered. Don’t underestimate this.

    In order to tap into this wisdom, you must interview your fears, meeting them with curiosity and compassion. Allow them to speak their wisdom to you. Listen deeply; get into the details in order pin down exactly what they are trying to communicate. Honor whatever it is you find.

    You see, these fears are like little children. They will kick and scream until you meet them with empathy. So do just that. Meet them with your full attention, sincerity, focus, and honest inquiry.

    They will calm back down to their submissive, lovable, true state of being. And what’s more, they will teach you something you do not yet know.

    Your fears carry wise messages that, over time, will lead you to your purpose, and happiness.

    Now, let’s begin.

    Answer the following questions. Go through this exercise, answering each and every question for each and every fear that is triggering anxiety.

    Begin with the thought that is bothering you most, or is the most pervasive in your mind.

    Anxious or Negative Thought #1: ___________________________

    1. Have you been faced with this thought before?

    2. Did you die?

    3. If you did not die, then what was the outcome?

    This question enables you to build upon the facts. It is almost always true that our fears will never manifest into reality. They tend to be made up events in our mind that have never actually happened and most likely never will.

    Recalling the factual outcome of past anxious thoughts helps you realize that what you fear is only a false scenario, existing only in your mind; it is not actually real.

    4. What were you doing before the thought arose in your mind?

    For example, what were you reading, viewing, saying, doing, eating, and with whom were you interacting? What emotions or feelings were created?

    5. How do you want to feel?

    6. What can you do right now, in this very moment to feel the way you want to feel?

    Find positive, factual examples that contradict your fearful thought and support a deeper, meaningful, life-giving perspective in accordance with how you want to feel.

    7. What can you do throughout this day/night to feel the way you want to feel?

    8. How do you feel now?

    9. What is this thought teaching you?

    10. Based on your inquiries above, what do you believe is the deeper message? What have you learned?

    Now take this deeper message to arrive at a positive affirmation. Speak this affirmation to yourself throughout this day or week.

    I used to, and sometimes still do, have trouble sleeping. It would give me the worst anxiety. So here is an example of how I have reasoned through it using the steps above:

    Anxious or Negative Thought #1: Will I sleep tonight? Or, I hope I sleep tonight.

    Here is my self-inquiry…

    1. Have I been faced with this thought before?

    Yes, many times.

    2. Was the outcome death?

    No, I am still here. Thankfully.

    3. Since I didn’t die, what happened the last time I had this thought? What are facts?

    I grew more and more anxious the sooner bedtime drew near. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to sleep and I’d end up being exhausted the next day. These thoughts accelerated my anxiety, and made me feel jittery, off balance, and even more restless. I couldn’t sleep and lay awake all night.

    4. What was I doing before I had this thought and what was the state of my emotional environment?

    I was reading a magazine and came across an article about insomnia. It sparked extreme anxiety in me, as I quickly began to jump to conclusions in my mind that I had insomnia.

    The “what if’s” started to invade my mind asking questions like, “What if I had insomnia? What if I never sleep well again?” The questions created a burning sensation in my chest, I felt tingly and overcome in fear.

    5. How do I want to feel right now?

    I want to feel at peace. I want to feel calm in my heart and mind. I want to be at rest with my thoughts and reward my body and soul with a good night’s sleep so that I can feel ready to accomplish whatever tomorrow brings and share my light with the world.

    6. What can I do in this very moment to feel the way I want to feel?

    At this moment I can and will focus on the fact that I have been here before and have always made it through. I can remind myself that I have gone days with no sleep many times before and I am still among the living. Not just living, I am thriving.

    I have slept amazing on more occasions than not and I love the feeling of waking up feeling fully refreshed.

    7. What can I additionally do throughout this day and night to feel the way I described above?

    Tonight I can and will go to bed really early and see how it goes. I can read my book, remember how much love I have in my life, and express love toward myself in the form of surrender and acceptance of what is. I can reminisce on things I have to look forward to. I can meditate.

    8. How do I feel now?

    I feel less pressure. I feel sort of accepted by myself, cared for, and less stressed. I don’t feel as much anxiety; my breath is getting deeper, longer.

    I feel a wave of peace washing over me. I also feel supported by the tools I can use to help me along the way. With each night, I am gaining faith that this too shall pass.

    9. What is this thought teaching me?

    These sleepless nights teach me the importance of relaxation, positive self-talk, and quiet personal time. When I do sleep well tonight, or some other night, I will write down how/what I was feeling that night as a point of reference in my mind. I think that is the biggest teaching.

    10. What is the deeper message behind all this? What have I learned?

    I think the deeper message is to always keep moving forward. Focus on the positive and those things that bring me peace. Keep on growing and know that “this too shall pass”.

    My affirmation: Just as the sun always rises in the morning, strong and steady, so shall I.

    This exercise is designed to stop your mind from racing. It will break the trance you’re in—hypnotized by the river of your fears.

    As you meditate on each specific, maybe even repetitive and mundane thought, you are able to quiet the inner chatter. Through placing singular focus on one fearful thought at time, fully addressing it and gathering the information you need, you are able to see beyond the fear.

    You will come to find that each fearful thought contains wise tidbits of information—lessons that you can implement into your life. Once implemented, the fear is no more. You have met it with acceptance, understanding, and meaningful action. You have become one with it.

    So often it happens that our negative thoughts operate on autopilot. One simple fear sparks a fire that quickly leads to an inferno, and pretty soon you’re burning.

    One negative event, failure, or tiny little fearful thought can snowball into broad generalizations. You begin questioning your worth, intelligence, health, well-being, and existence based on one obstacle in the road.

    Reprogramming is, in essence, turning the autopilot off and allowing for a change in course. However, this takes time. Be patient with yourself.

    This exercise, along with other tools you consistently implement into your life, will work in small ways to course-correct.

    Through gentle introspection, interviewing your fears, and gathering important information, you are able to move forward with a soul-centered perspective onto the road of purpose, happiness, and life-fulfillment.

    Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock

  • When You Want to Make a Change but Feel Confused and Scared

    When You Want to Make a Change but Feel Confused and Scared

    “Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Have you ever had an inner knowing that it was time to make some life changes, but you felt too confused to make them?

    I’ve certainly felt that way a time or two. After I graduated college years ago, I felt completely confused about what I was going to do with my life. I was asking myself questions like: How am I going to find meaning? What should I do for a career? How can I make my dreams a reality?

    But what if you feel so confused about your life that you end up doing nothing?

    I remember moving home after college, lying in bed and reading fiction books for hours. I wanted to escape from the intense confusion and endless questions running through my mind.

    The reality is, I was scared. I was scared to start a job, but also scared not to. I was scared to move away from the comforts of home, but deep down I couldn’t wait to get out. I was scared of the unknown, but also excited by the fact that anything could happen!

    I was afraid to make a change, so I tricked myself into thinking that it was too complicated and confusing. For a couple months I did nothing, and my frustration grew.

    Fear-based confusion is when you have an inner knowing that things are “off,” or you want to make a major life change, but you feel too confused to take action.

    It seems like there are too many problems, unknowns, reasons why-not, or decisions that are too difficult to make. So you stay confused.

    Does this sound familiar? Maybe you’re confused about making a career change, moving to a new city, ending a relationship, or getting your finances in order. I think we’ve all experienced this fear-gripping confusion in one form or another, and I know how frustrating it can feel.

    I’ve noticed that when you’re aware we’re confused because we’re scared, it can drastically reduce your stress about it.

    You’re certainly not alone or helpless. And luckily, fear-based confusion is easy to move beyond. Below are my top ways to move through life confusion and finally get clear on what you want so you can take action toward it.

    1. Follow your excitement.

    If the fear runs deep, following your excitement will help. For example, instead of trying to answer the question, “What should I do with my life?” ask yourself, “What excites me right now?”

    Make a list of all the activities and experiences that excite you, but try not to judge your list. For example, simply riding my bike to a local cafe for some homemade chai in the morning really excites me. It doesn’t matter if things on your list seem small or insignificant.

    There are several benefits to following what excites you in this moment. One, you start to feel more excited about your life. And two, your excitement usually leads you to people and experiences that will help you set a direction for yourself (more on this below).

    Follow what excites you now, and know that your sources of excitement are going to shift and change as you grow.

    Following your excitement is much less daunting than trying to figure out your whole life. In addition, it leaves room for expansion and gives you the freedom to continually try new things.

    2. Decide on your direction.

    Decide very clearly on the direction you want to go in. Making a clear decision is the quickest way out of confusion. I know this sounds obvious, but sometimes we have insane inner thoughts that hold us back. Thoughts like, “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t deserve this.”

    But you most definitely are good enough, and you do deserve peace no matter what you’re telling yourself. Believe in yourself enough to make a decision and know that you will make the right one. Don’t worry about making a “bad” decision. In my opinion, making no decision at all is often worse.

    In my example above, after a couple of months living with my parents and sinking deeper into my confusion, I decided to pack a backpack and travel to Spain. I didn’t really have any idea how that was going to help me answer my “big” life questions, but it excited me.

    When I got back home from that trip, I felt confident and even more excited. I then made the concrete decision to move across the country to Northern California, and that completely changed everything for me.

    The point is, it didn’t really matter what I did. It was my initial decision to do something that got me out of my confusion.

    Once you make the initial decision, the Universe will start to provide you with people and experiences that help you move forward. Breathe, become aware of how your decision feels in your body, and act on whatever option has a sense of lightness and openness to it.

    3. Release your expectations.

    Expectations lead to disappointment. Usually, when we finally make the decision to change, we proceed to come up with a detailed plan for how it should all go down. We immediately search for something that will make us feel secure in the face of change.

    But the truth is, you can manifest change much more quickly when you open yourself up the all the possibilities that you haven’t even thought of yet.

    It’s perfectly okay to focus on what you want, but I like to try and leave the details to the Universe and simply focus on what I’m excited and capable of doing right now. This allows you to feel joy now instead of making your joy dependant on a certain outcome in the future.

    You are meant to be here. As you focus on following what excites you in this moment, the clouds of confusion begin to part and you can see your direction more clearly. Then, moving toward it with inner confidence becomes natural.

    It’s okay to feel vulnerable in the process, but I know from experience that the vulnerability associated with change is completely worth it. You’re worth it. Don’t let the confusion hold you back a moment longer. Once you take the first step, everything else will unfold for you.

  • Words of Wisdom from Jim Carrey’s Commencement Speech

    Words of Wisdom from Jim Carrey’s Commencement Speech

    “You are ready and able to do beautiful things in this world… Choose love and don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart.”

    In his 2014 commencement speech for Maharishi University of Management’s, Jim Carrey shared some inspiring words of wisdom about purpose, happiness, overcoming fear, and going after your dreams. This short video includes just a few of the highlights. You can find the full speech here.

  • How to Stop Saying Yes When You Want to Say No

    How to Stop Saying Yes When You Want to Say No

    “Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself” ~Sonya Parker

    I am a sucker for saying yes.

    Sometimes I even find myself thinking, “No, no, no, no” and then I blurt out, “Yes.”

    Why is it so difficult to say the word “no”? It’s just a word, right?

    After feeling trapped for some time by my excessive urge to be agreeable, it got me thinking.

    I asked myself why it was so important for me to please everyone, to the point that I would feel resentful and stressed because of it.

    I realized I was afraid of saying no because my biggest fear is rejection. I was afraid that every time I did this, I would disappoint someone, make them angry, hurt their feelings, or appear unkind or rude.

    Having people think negatively of me is the ultimate rejection. Whether they say what they think of me, out loud or not, does not matter to me. It is the thought that they look down on me.

    And so I realized exactly why I found it so difficult to say no.

    I realize this is not just a challenge that I face but one that many people go through every day. It’s a heavy burden to carry because with the urge to say yes also comes a lack of self-confidence and self-value.

    If, like me, you’re having trouble saying no, this may help.

    Saying No Doesn’t Mean You’re a Bad Person

    Saying no doesn’t mean that you are being rude, selfish, or unkind. These are all unhelpful beliefs that make it hard to say no.

    Learning where these beliefs have come from is a great way to learn to let go of them.

    Did you ever wonder why it was so easy to say no when you were a little kid and why it has become so difficult now? What happened?

    Well, as children, we learned that saying no was impolite or inappropriate.

    If you said no to your mom, dad, teacher, uncle, grandparents, and so on, you were most certainly considered to be being rude, and you would have probably been told off for it.

    Saying no was off limits, and yes was the polite and likable thing to say.

    Now that we are all adults, we are more mature and capable of making our own choices, as well as knowing the difference between wrong and right. Therefore, no shouldn’t be an off-limits word but rather something that we decide on ourselves, based on our own discretion.

    But sadly, we hold onto our childhood beliefs, and we continue to associate no with being dislikeable, bad-mannered, unkind, or selfish. We worry that if we say no, we will feel humiliated, guilty, or ashamed and will end up being alone, rejected, or abandoned.

    Knowing Your Value

    The second step to learning to say no is realizing that you are valuable and choosing your own opinion about yourself over others.

    I have learned that if you live your life depending on other people’s approval, you will never feel free and truly happy.

    If you depend on other people’s approval, what you are basically saying is, “Their opinion of me is more important than my opinion about myself.”

    If your opinion of yourself is actually quite low, remember that:

    • Your problems do not define you.
    • It’s okay to make mistakes—nobody is perfect, and everybody does things that they regret; this is what makes us human.
    • What makes a person great is not their looks or achievements, but their willingness to love others, be humble, and grow as a person.
    • You are unique, valuable, and important. No one else in this world can offer what you can.

    Is It Really Worth It?

    The third step to learning to say no is deciding if saying yes is really worth it.

    After committing to something, doubt eventually sets in, and you may begin to think of ways you can get out of it.

    And if you don’t have any good excuses, you then have to decide if you are going to tell the truth or come up with a lie.

    Think about the anguish, stress, and resentment that saying yes has caused you. Wouldn’t it be so much easier and straightforward to just say no in the first place?

    I remember this one time that I said yes to something and then later felt so bad about it that I ended up lying my way out of it. I still feel bad that I lied.

    My boss called me one day and asked if I could work the following Saturday. As usual, I blurted out a polite “Yes, of course, that’s no problem at all.” I actually had plans with my boyfriend, which I was really looking forward to.

    Later, I found myself feeling absolutely terrible about having said yes, and I wished that I had just had the guts to say no from the beginning.

    Dreading the idea of having to work that day, I called my boss back with the best excuse I could think of. I told her that I had completely forgotten that it was my dad’s birthday that Saturday and that we had a family get-together (which was certainly not the case).

    Looking back, I realize that it really isn’t worth it to say yes when you don’t want to. I have a right to say no and shouldn’t be afraid of letting other people down at the cost of my own happiness.

    If you have also decided that it’s worth it to you and want to learn to say no, try these simple yet effective tips for doing so with confidence.

    Helpful Tips for Saying No

    • Be direct, such as “no, I can’t” or “no, I don’t want to.”
    • Don’t apologize and give all sorts of reasons.
    • Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt—and remember, this is what you are trying to avoid feeling.
    • Remember that it is better to say no now than be resentful later.
    • Be polite, for example, saying, “Thanks for asking.”
    • Practice saying no. Imagine a scenario and then practice saying no either by yourself or with a friend. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no.
    • Don’t say, “I’ll think about it” if you don’t want to do it. This will just prolong the situation and make you feel even more stressed.
    • Remember that your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for other people.

    Learning to say no has been one of the best things I have done for myself. Not only has it challenged me to overcome my fear of rejection, it has helped me feel in control.

    I don’t feel trapped, resentful, or guilty anymore. Instead, I feel empowered and free.

    If you want that same feeling of freedom and empowerment, then take control, challenge yourself, and learn to say no.

  • The First Thing You Need to Do to Change Your Life

    The First Thing You Need to Do to Change Your Life

    Bold Man

    “Never forget: This very moment, we can change our lives. There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny.” ~Steven Pressfield

    Altering your life in the smallest or grandest way is so simple, but it requires you to do something you likely are already doing all of the time.

    If you’ve ever wanted to take up a discipline, begin a new business, stop an addiction, or start anything new, it’s the same for all.

    Any life change requires one simple action: you to decide.

    Over five years ago, I knew in my heart I wanted a different work life, that a greater way of living a life of my dreams could be real for me if I could just take the leap.

    I was afraid of not having the external security that came with that job of five years. But when I looked at my true dreams, and who I’d become not doing what I love, it wasn’t who I felt I was deep at heart.

    Then it happened, I followed the feeling. I simply chose that enough was enough; I quit my job.

    There is a rich and deep aliveness that comes from following your heart, in acting on what you love despite any limitations or fears of the unknown.

    It’s what brings you closer to knowing who you are in your heart, and who I believe we all came to be in this life, dreamers willing to live their dream, not just know dreams exist.

    When I finally decided, there was no more deliberation, or trying to think of all possible outcomes. I stopped thinking about it.

    There are two types of fear: debilitating, poisonous, inaction fear, and an excitement fear that comes with taking inspired action. As soon as I decided, just an excited fear remained. 

    In a moment of true decision where you act on what you love, you experience a feeling of freedom and aliveness that overcomes fear. 

    Poisonous fear exists mostly in indecision, between knowing what you love and the perception that you’re unable to act on it.Perhaps that’s why it’s called “False Evidence Appearing Real.”

    When you take action on what you love, whether you experience fear or not, you’ve decided with your whole being, what’s called a true decision; and it overcomes all else.

    Often I hear people express a desire to do, or be something, and then they list the reasons why it’s not possible in their circumstances. But isn’t it true that possibility doesn’t become available to you until you decide to do it?

    In my experience, what’s possible only becomes real once you decide on the inside and then act on what you feel outside.

    If you’ve ever rented an apartment, bought a home, or booked a flight, you may know the power of decision. I’ve often heard people admit, “I didn’t know whether I could afford it then,” or, “I couldn’t afford it, but I did it anyway.”

    How is it possible to not be able to afford something, but have or experience it anyway? You decided, and more than likely, somehow your life circumstances changed. Some people call those coincidences, miracles, or serendipity.

    What’s meant to be is meant to be because you decide.

    I don’t just mean deciding to put it on credit, although sometimes that is the way, I mean watching your circumstances change to reflect your decision. I’ve experienced watching my business increase or receiving an unexpected financial windfall right after making a decision. It happens differently every time.

    A couple years ago I felt to move to NYC. At that time, I had no external security, no extra money saved, no job, or apartment lined up. I had no real reason to think it was possible based on my circumstances.

    When the feeling came to my heart, I said yes. A true decision is like falling in love; you don’t decide from your head, it’s something that finds you. I had only my feeling, but I’d developed trust for my intuition by this point.

    Decisions with the most impact are those that come from your heart because they have the power to defy what you think is possible (through love), and it’s those decisions that you experience the most aliveness (more love).

    The greatest challenge is your thinking: you may have to embrace whatever limitations are in your mind, and let go of what security you perceive you may lose.

    Following your heart may make no sense, and it may be the opposite of your plans, but it makes sense to the deeper knowing within.

    In the beginning, it’s not easy to follow just a feeling, but the more you do it, the better at it you become, and the more you value yourself for doing it.

    At that moment in time, I didn’t feel compelled or inspired to look for places to live in NYC before I got there, yet I lived in three different places. By staying in my heart and following the moment-to-moment inspirations, I saw the power of my decision unfold with ease.

    First, an old family friend offered me his flat in Manhattan while he was away.

    Before I left, I met a woman at an event visiting from Brooklyn who emailed me two weeks later asking if I wanted a sublet.

    The last place came when I followed my intuition to meet with a friend who surprised me with a place to sublet, which I moved into days later, the day my other place was up.

    From experience, it’s easier to follow the feeling when the possibilities are visible: you have the time, the money, or all the tangible circumstances.

    But what about when you only have a feeling, when the possibilities are still invisible, do you still follow the feeling in your heart?

    Living a life of love is more effortless because you cultivate more presence naturally, but you don’t do it for the effortlessness; you do it because you come to know yourself in that love at a deeper level.

    Sure, the move came with ease, but it was the aliveness I felt in following the feeling that took my breath away.

    Anyone reading this must take note: this was my story of following the feeling in that moment. If I moved to NY now, I would follow my feeling now, which could mean looking long and hard for places. It’s a new moment!

    There is a fine line between a deep knowing, and hoping, wishing, and laziness. I wasn’t not acting out of denial, I was in my truth, but your truth is going to be different every time, so don’t try my story “at home.”

    A friend and inspirational writer who lives intuitively moved with two kids to California, leaving a secure law degree position back east, both she and her husband following their respective feelings.

    Recently, she told me how she bought her house. “The bank should have never approved our loan from a logical perspective, it doesn’t make sense given our finances, but I just knew we had to take a risk and go for it because the feeling was pulling me.”

    In her example, it doesn’t mean she won’t lose her house. Don’t forget life is a risk; so is going after what you love!!

    Following your feeling will not only give you the experiences you perceive to be positive, it takes you to perceived negative experiences so you can be free of the fear.

    I followed the feeling to start a business a couple years ago, and it failed. The feeling took me to a failed business, but now I don’t fear failing.

    Ultimately, your intuition is guiding you to your bigger picture of what you love: less fear, and more power to alter destiny (love). Sometimes it takes you into beautiful romances, but later the feeling pulls you out of that same relationship you thought was forever.  

    The bigger picture has opportunities and challenges; you don’t get one without the other.

    It can be really hard because going beyond limitations stretches you internally. You have to truly love it from your soul, not just your head. And you have to be willing to say yes!

    You want more love, more inspiration, and more empowerment, but don’t know how? Decide first. You want to live a life that’s of freedom? Decide to. Possibilities become possible when you decide.

    The truth is, you’re the only one with the true power to alter your destiny, to shape your life into one you love. It’s starts with what you decide through opening your heart to the feeling. You can complicate it in your head, but it’s that simple. What you love is in every moment; it’s up to you.

    I didn’t always believe in me, but because I decide over and over again to live a life of love despite the fear, I now do.

    No matter who you are out there in this world, I believe in you in this moment. After all, it is a new moment, your moment.

    Bold man image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Ways to Let Go Of Control and Relax Into The Flow

    3 Ways to Let Go Of Control and Relax Into The Flow

    “You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” ~Steve Maraboli

    Sometimes I try really hard to control things.

    I run two businesses so, in many ways, control gives me a sense of peace of mind.

    When my team is doing what they are supposed to be doing, I can relax. When business is booming, I can relax. When I am getting what I want, I can relax.

    This control freak-ness doesn’t just apply for me in just business. I used to be this way about my body, and I notice these tendencies even pop up in my relationships too.

    When I feel like I am in control, I feel free. When I feel like I’m not in control, I feel frustrated, scared, and angry. It rocks my sense of security straight to my core.

    It’s tough to admit, but it’s the truth.

    I’m getting a lot better at relaxing without needing to be in control, and I’m realizing that the greatest control is in letting go of the need for it.

    When I try to control, I get attached to how I think it should play out; I think I know the best way for things to happen. But many examples in my life have shown me that when I trust and let go of thinking I know best, the outcome is better than anything I could have imagined.

    Letting go doesn’t mean giving up the desire, it means letting go of the struggle.

    It’s exhausting needing to be in control all the time, isn’t it? And the truth really is that any sense of control that we think that we have is false anyway.

    Our greatest power is in learning how to trust. When we focus on our desires with a sense of non-attachment to exactly how they unfold, it releases the blocks and opens us up to greater opportunity.

    Here are three ways I’ve learned to trust and let go of trying so hard to control.

    1. Step away.

    Richard Branson has been one of my greatest mentors from afar. He amazes me with his ability to balance business, family, and fun in the perfect way for him. He doesn’t even own a desk, and never has!

    I love watching the videos that Virgin posts on their blog about his life, because they remind me that creativity and great ideas come from stepping away from work and letting your mind open up. Richard says he gets some of his best ideas while in the bath, and he kite surfs every day, even if it’s just for fifteen minutes.

    While we don’t all have the luxury of our own private island to jet away to (yet), we do have the ability to take a long walk outside in nature, start our morning with even just five minutes of meditation or yoga, or turn the computer off an hour earlier each night.

    Taking time to enjoy life will only inspire and rejuvenate your energy for your work.

    2. Stop looking around so much.

    Compare and despair. Have you ever gone on Facebook to see what your friends are up to, and then twenty minutes later you are down in the dumps because somehow you ended up on a thread or a site comparing yourself to that person and where you think you should be?

    The second we get caught up in comparison, it sucks the creativity and energy right out of us. One of the best things I’ve done for myself is cut back on looking around at what everyone else is doing.

    I finally got to the point where I realized that, not only am I never going to measure up to them, I never want to!

    I want what I want, not what they have. So now I just try to stay in my own little bubble, working on the creative projects that excite me.

    Every now and then I do look around to see what others are up to, but I am super conscious to continuously check in with myself and ask, “Is this what I want to create for myself?” versus immediately judging how I measure up to their level of success.

    I also remind myself that I am on the right path, because I am on my path.

    3. Listen to your body.

    The human body is an amazing machine, one that most of us take for granted. We get signals from our body all day long, signals I call inner wisdom or intuition. Oftentimes, we ignore those signals and choose to follow what everybody else is telling us to do instead.

    Our body really has a vast amount of information that can help us with making decisions. When I am trying to control, I am totally ignoring my intuition. The more I relax into the flow, the more I rely on my intuition to guide me.

    Sometimes my body tells me I need a fifteen-minute nap. Sometimes it tells me that it’s not time to write the blog post right now and instead I should focus on something else. Whatever it is, I really try to listen and override the ego part of me that tells me I must push or force things to happen in order to succeed.

    It’s the difference between being solution-oriented versus problem-oriented, or in other words, inspiration-driven versus fear-driven.

    As a society, I feel like we need to remind each other often that an unhappy journey does not lead to a happy ending. It’s like we believe that if an achievement doesn’t involve stress or hardship, we don’t deserve it.

    We do deserve it, and we deserve a life built around a lot of ease and fun.

    What’s one thing you do to let go and release stress?