Tag: faith

Honoring Our Inner Voices to Make the Right Choices for Us

“Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson

After high school I moved to the northern tip of Vancouver Island to live with my aunt and uncle and work at their fishing resort. It was a busy tourist destination at the time. Every summer the town filled with young people, home from university and eager to earn money.

I loved my time up there. I met many interesting, colorful people from around the world who came to fish, whale watch, kayak, or merely experience the exquisite natural beauty this area has to offer.

My aunt and uncle were incredible mentors, and I developed a strong work ethic from my time with them. I normally juggled three to four jobs, so most of my waking time was spent working in the service industry.

I stayed there for a couple of winters and went to the community college, while also working at my various jobs. I worked hard to save up money to do a bit of traveling and to go toward my education.

I went on an amazing adventure to Australia and New Zealand with my best friend from childhood. Afterward, I returned to my life with my aunt and uncle to work and save more money to go to school in the city, which was closer to where I was from.

During that time I met a young man who had grown up in this small town. He had a nice family and was a good person, and for the sake of this story, we’ll call him Bill.

While I was working and busy, my life was very unbalanced and there was no time for a social life (outside of traveling). I enjoyed having Bill in my life for companionship and to have some resemblance of a social life that most nineteen-year-olds surround themselves with.

Naturally, my aunt and uncle weren’t pleased about my relationship with Bill. While I didn’t see it at all at the time, I realize now that they saw something in me I didn’t see in myself. I had big dreams for my life and spent hours talking to my aunt about travel, education, and plans for my future.

Bill didn’t have these same aspirations for his life. His looked much different than mine. By different, I don’t me better or worse; we just didn’t have the same passions or much in common other than where we lived at the time.

Nevertheless, Bill and I were convinced it was a good idea for him to move and go to school with me, even though he was most comfortable and happy where he was.

During this time together, it became clear to me, and him too I’m sure, that we weren’t actually a great fit and didn’t really bring out the best things in each other. However, we were young and didn’t have a lot else to compare our relationship to. We had become a security blanket to each other during this transitional time of life.

We separated for a short time and instead of parting ways, which would have been the most natural and reasonable thing to do, we got back together and got engaged!

Looking back, I so clearly see how lost and stuck I was. My inner voice was screaming at me to take chances, be bold, and chase my dreams, but my lack of confidence and fear of pretty much everything made it so much easier to play it safe with Bill.

By safe I don’t mean comfortable and content. I mean it was a good distraction and reason to not be true to who I was.

I was so stuck and suffocated by my fear of being seen and dreaming big that it was much easier to put my blinders on and hide away with someone who didn’t at all want the same things that I truly did.

I remember our wedding day so clearly. I was twenty-three at the time, and the overwhelming sense of fear and dread was paralyzing, I felt like a fraud in my own life. I was in tears and couldn’t articulate my feelings of regret to my bridesmaids and grandfather, all eager to walk me down to Bill.

We chalked it up to nerves, and once again I stuffed down my inner voice that was screaming to me to wake up. Besides, at the time I would have never in a million years risked disappointing the people who had come that day to wish us well, even though I knew in my heart it was not right.

I was so lost that I didn’t want to admit my mistake to myself or to wake up and begin living the life I yearned to live. I am pretty sure I may have carried on unhappily and lost forever after.

I was so deep in the muck of denial that I don’t know if I ever would have made the brave choice to let Bill know we had made a mistake.

Instead, we stayed together, he living on one end of the island working, me on the other going to university. After a year of this, it was Bill who mustered up the courage to admit we weren’t a good fit and that he didn’t want the same things I did.

I’m sure there were many people waiting to see me crumble after being ‘dumped’ by Bill. I was just so relieved that I couldn’t bear to spend time giving thought to anything other than the fact I felt like I could breathe again.

While it did take a bit of time to get on my feet and back onto my path, I was finally starting to listen and honor my inner voice.

I made a pact with myself to start trusting myself and begin doing things that were uncomfortable and out of my reach to stretch and grow. I didn’t ever want to return to that place where I allowed myself to lose faith in myself.

I use this failed relationship story as an example because it had a huge impact on my life and learning. For me, the lesson isn’t just about what a happy, healthy relationship looks like vs. an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.

It’s so much more about the importance of allowing our inner voice to be heard and honored, not just in relationships but in everything we do in life.

Trusting myself has been a huge life lesson and one I continue to practice and learn from.

Life looks different for me now. I have been very happily married for eight years and am on the path that feels right and natural. We bring out the best in each other and are supportive of each other’s hopes and dreams. I now listen and give my inner voice the respect it deserves.

Of course, life still presents challenges, but when I find myself feeling unsettled or staying in the place of self-doubt for longer than necessary, I do what I can to get clear and be honest with myself, instead of hiding or stuffing away my true feelings.

Writing is an excellent tool that I use to help me gain clarity in situations, or when I need to make big decisions. I also find it helpful to go for a run or exercise to clear busy thoughts and create the necessary space to be able to tap into what feels right.

I believe that when we allow ourselves to find the space to hear our own truth, more often than not our inner self will have the answers and wisdom that will steer us in the direction we most need at the time.

Photo by Graeme Law

February 12, 2014
Following Your Internal Compass and Making Your Own Decisions

“Believe nothing no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.” ~Buddha

Dad, who at the time was a fighter pilot in the United States Marine Corps, taught me how to navigate using a compass. The family was on a vacation in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. I was nine.

He got me up that morning before dawn. Mom made us a huge breakfast. I was so excited because I knew that day, I would climb my first mountain.

No, it wasn’t Mount Everest or even a huge mountain in Colorado, but for a kid who had spent most of his life in the flat lands of the eastern seaboard, the small mountain within eye-shot of the cabin was a monument of great proportions. I was pumped (even though that phrase didn’t exist in the sixties).

Once outside the cabin and on our way, Dad stopped for a moment. He looked down at me from above and handed me his engineering compass, which he had used during his Survival School Training. It was like being handed a bar of gold because before that day I was not allowed to touch it.

“Son, we are going to climb to the top of that mountain and you are going to get us there using this compass,” spoke Dad with a seriousness not to be ignored.

“But Dad…I don’t know how,” whined I to a smiling father.

Other than the fact that we made the climb safely, including an encounter with a black bear, I remember few things about that day, and I wish Dad was still alive so that I could refresh my cloudy mind. What I do know is this: I never feel lost, even to this day.

Sure, from time to time in life I feel confused about where I am or where I am going, but I never feel like I will not get where I am supposed to go.

With a compass—any compass—one can always pause for a moment in time and figure out where you are so that you can continue. All of us must change course from time to time because what is surrounding us is constantly changing.

To not flow with change will only invite disaster. Sure, you may not notice a difference at first, but if you fight that which does not wish to be fought, you will suffer in the end.

“What the heck are you talking about, dude?” you ask.

Beyond the obvious, what Dad was teaching me at the time did not take on meaning for many years. On the surface, knowing how to navigate with a compass at sea or on land will only come in handy if you are in a situation where most people would declare, “I am lost and my GPS is out of battery power.”

Beneath the obvious is an enormous lesson about independence and the ability to travel along one’s own path of life—a path which will never be a straight line, a path with many bends, hills, valleys, oceans of fog, storms, and dark forests.

The cool thing is this: you have a compass within your being. All of us do. Call it whatever you wish; this is your choice as a human. I have chosen and I call it my inner voice.

“Again, Frucci…huh? Please bring this home.”

Become immune to other people’s judgment. Their thoughts of you do not matter—this is truth. In fact, some will say that everyone is afraid of you, which is why they will lash out with negativity first.

Your internal compass is truth. The physical compass my father handed me that day when I was nine was truth.

The directions of a compass cannot be denied, and when you have faith that what direction you take based on what you see on the compass face is the correct one, you will arrive at the destination you are working toward. Even if you have to change course from time to time in order to go around an obstruction.

Your internal compass is the same, but you must listen to that voice and you must have faith in what you already have—an internal guidance system.

“How do you know this to be true?”

I cannot prove it anymore than anyone can prove the existence of anything unseen beyond a shadow of doubt. Only the individual can do that. I only know what I know, and what I know is this…

When I was in high school, my guidance counselor advised me to not apply to a certain university because I was a “C” student, and the only ones who were allowed to go there were much smarter than me.

He said with the smile of one who professes supreme knowledge, “Don’t waste your time and your money applying there because you will not get accepted.”

I heard his words, thought about them, and decided that I was not going to allow another person to dictate my future. My parents drove me to the campus of Carnegie Mellon University for a portfolio showing/interview with the Head of the Department of Architecture.

I took an exam and a few months later they accepted me, and not the straight “A” valedictorian of my high school class.

After graduating with honors in 1984 I went on to get my architecture license, working as an architect for over twenty years. The guidance counselor was flat out wrong.

How many people listen to the words of others who profess supreme knowledge? How many fellow humans allow their hopes and dreams to be squelched by people who do not know what is inside of them?

My internal compass was screaming at me from within—and I listened.

Choice. Yours is speaking to you now as you read these words. Sure, there have been times when I caved and listened to others—many times. And I can think of the disasters that followed from not listening to my voice.

Quiet your mind now for a moment and listen. What do you hear?

Remaining in the present moment, which flows with time, knowing the moment is not static, this is how one is able to hear clearly the voice within. What is your greatest challenge? Do something about it beginning now.

Of course we all can take the advice and counsel of others. I will always listen to the words of ones whom I respect. But the final say, the composite of all the words spoken, will be finally judged by that which is inside of me and on the terms of my personal compass.

Only you know you completely. No other human will ever come close. So why would you ever let another human decide anything for you?

It was my personal compass that guided me—the same compass that I still reference in the present moment of time, which flows, the same compass that will always guide me home.

December 5, 2013
Believing in Our Goodness: Do You Have Faith in Humanity?

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

When we hear someone speak about faith, we usually expect to hear about some kind of subjective encounter with supernatural forces. In our skeptical age, we tend to look at faith as “believing in something you know not to be true,” as Mark Twain expressed.

Before we dismiss any talk of faith, however, we should remember that there are many ways to understand the word. You can have faith in a benevolent, loving deity guiding your every move. But you can also have faith that you’ll wake up in the morning. Or that the dollar in your pocket today will be worth as much tomorrow.

For me, a “revelation” of faith came while sitting around a table with a group people determined to respond to violence with love.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but this experience reaffirmed my faith that human beings are fundamentally loving and good, and will help and care for each other when given the chance.

I think that faith really is the right word here, because holding onto this viewpoint in light of so much evidence to the contrary does indeed requires a “leap,” to borrow Kierkegaard’s famous line.

This understanding emerged at a visioning process for the “Dawson Peace Center.” To its great credit, the Dawson College community has chosen to respond to the 2006 shooting not by putting bigger locks on the doors and stockpiling weapons, but by spearheading meaningful initiatives designed to cultivate peace.

For my part, at this meeting, I spoke about the contributions that meditation might make in addressing the roots of destructive behavior, and how we might be able to integrate it into the college’s culture.

During the meeting, I didn’t really feel like anything was out of the ordinary. Sure, I was inspired by many of the ideas that the other 20 people in the room put forth, but toward the end, my attitude began to shift as I realized that what was happening here was truly extraordinary.

Here, we had a group of committed people seeking, however imperfectly, to affirm that the power of love is stronger than fear.

Here, at least a few people understand that responding to violence in kind makes us no different than the perpetrator. Here, a group has resisted the temptation to let the violent imagination of a disturbed individual hijack our own.

It takes strength and courage to stand up and say, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that human beings are fundamentally decent, kind, and caring, and that we have the responsibility to nurture these attributes.

This audacious belief in basic goodness takes guts. It takes faith. And that’s what I saw around that table.

We’ve all seen how human imagination has the power to create scenes of terror and violence (just open up the newspaper). But it also has the possibility to respond to those who unleash the demons with compassion and understanding, which to me seems the greater power (and usually gets far less media attention).

This is the truth that every saint and sage has communicated: hatred never ceases through hatred. Only love has the power to heal. This is not really a “spiritual” or “religious” truth; even a jaded, secular humanist can see this at work.

It’s up to each and every person to develop the understanding that no matter how far removed someone might seem from this basic goodness, no one is beyond redemption.

Buddha and Jesus hung out with murderers, prostitutes, lepers, and other types of people who society had “thrown away” and given up on. What these marginalized people needed was compassion and understanding, not ostracization and judgment.

And when a teacher who had discovered his own “enlightened nature” spoke to them, they were able to discover that within themselves.

These people who had lead lives of violence and impropriety often went on to become exemplary disciples; the mistakes they had made in their lives were not sufficient to corrupt their essence and potential.

In the eastern traditions, this is expressed through the image of a gem covered with mud, or a lamp coated in dust. These images affirm that the treasure/light is always there, and has only temporarily become obscured.

But in order to sustain the commitment and diligence to undertake the “polishing” process, you must first have an inkling that there is something valuable waiting for you underneath.

Meeting an enlightened teacher can certainly arouse this faith, but coming into contact with the enlightenment that flows through us all when we seek to act with love and compassion is also a catalyst.

It’s by no means certain that we will uncover this treasure in ourselves, much less be able to help others discover it in themselves. But as I felt very deeply around that table, there is intrinsic value in the effort itself.

Everyone’s face communicated the determination to love, despite everything. We understand that the alternative of powerlessness and despair is not really an alternative at all.

Whatever we think about the world becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, so if we really want to create a world of peace, then we truly have to believe that it’s possible. Even very optimistic people like myself occasionally need boosters of faith to maintain this truly revolutionary attitude.

Photo by kris krug

June 5, 2013
Have Faith That Slowing Down Will Be Good for You

“It’s not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?” ~Henry David Thoreau

Four years ago, I couldn’t relax to save my life. The ability to slow down completely eluded me. I could start a company, train a pit bull, or hike 12 miles, but I sucked at taking a day off.

Looking back, I now know that I was terrified. I was certain that if I slowed down I would never get going again. “My ‘to do’ list will fall apart! My friends and clients will be angry with me! My life will come crashing down around me!” screamed my brain as I imagined every catastrophe possible.

These fears kept me running at 100% all the time—until I crashed. My life ran in “full-speed then crash” cycles. My brain and body would just shut down because I wasn’t taking care of myself.

I had to learn to slow down. I began to occasionally take a little time off here and there, and to my surprise my “relaxing” time was miserable. During this new downtime, I would be flooded with powerful emotions that my busy schedule kept away.

The quiet time allowed the things I was running from to catch up with me. At the same time, the things I was running toward seemed like they slipped further from me. Slowing down was terrible!

Except that it was necessary. I built an on-off switch into my life that I could control, and bit by bit, I began to enjoy my life more. Emotions would come and I had time to listen.

Some days slowing down meant having 12 hours of work and activities instead of 14. Sometimes it meant numbing out with television when my brain and body needed to rest. I began to realize that no one was asking me to slow down drastically, just a little at a time. (more…)

March 11, 2013
Having Faith: Why Do We Expect the Worst in Tomorrow?

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

Over the past few years, as I’ve settled into my late twenties, life seems to have opened the flood gates to a number of lessons and realities. With each of these hardships or challenges I’ve overcome, I’ve taken with me a lesson of new wisdom, deeper compassion, self-awareness, humility, and empathy for others.

On that same note, I have also noticed that with each experience, I seem to begin treading more carefully in my approach to future situations, treating them fragilely and with caution; unconsciously trying to protect myself or others from perceived disappointment or hurt.

Recently, my husband and I decided to purchase another home to take advantage of the current real estate market. Impatiently awaiting our final loan approval, I refused to allow him to pack a single box until we had a hard approval in hand.

Even with the lender stating that we were pre-approved and very well-qualified, I still wouldn’t budge one box or belonging until I knew for certain, 100%, that the loan was ready to go with zero speed bumps in the process.

I then started to ask myself why I was so rigid to move forward. At what point, in anything that we do, is the road always paved and a guaranteed 100%?

In reflecting on this past year, I’ve witnessed that the only true 100% guarantees we can expect are that our surroundings, feelings, emotions, comfort zones, people, and material possessions will always endure change.

As I still awaited the final loan approval, with less than two weeks to close on the new home (and four-plus years of possessions to pack up in our current one), I realized how my dwindling faith had physically manifested itself into this incident. (more…)

December 20, 2010
Project Happiness: Believing in the Good in People

“Make finding the good in others a priority.” ~Zig Ziglar

One of the most exciting parts of writing about happiness is getting the opportunity to connect with people who make sharing joy a priority.

If you’re looking for it, you’ll find positive people everywhere—in your office, along your morning commute, on blogs you follow, and within your Twitter stream. They won’t be the only type of person you see; there are plenty of people out there who walk around holding onto a lot of pain, and knowingly or unknowingly spread it.

But an uplifting person—someone who believes in the good in people—shines a light on the potential we all have inside us to hope, believe, and inspire. A light bright enough to offer a different perspective on those other people who seem so negative. Suddenly, judgment and fear melt into understanding and compassion.

That’s what Project Happiness is all about: making happiness a real possibility for all.

Their main purpose is to provide students with tools and wisdom, based on positive psychology and neuro-scientific research, to create authentic happiness. They work hands-on with kids of all ages, empowering them to feel good about themselves so they can handle life’s hurdles.

When Rolando Sandor emailed me with an invitation to attend the Project Happiness Cirque de Happiness event this Saturday, I couldn’t have been more excited. Honestly, I didn’t know a thing about the non-profit; I just knew “Cirque de” anything had to be a fun, spectacular event. (more…)

November 15, 2009