Tiny Buddha

Tag: fair

  • The Power of Compassion: How to Make Do in an Unfair World

    The Power of Compassion: How to Make Do in an Unfair World

    “A good head and good heart are always a formidable combination. But when you add to that a literate tongue or pen, then you have something very special.” ~Nelson Mandela

    Ever thought, “Life is so unfair!”

    Is it, really?

    Has life given you circumstances that keep you in a deep, dark hole of disadvantages that seem impossible to clamber out of?

    Has life decided that you need to live in abject poverty and watch everyone in your life suffer from being denied everything a human needs to be human?

    Has life put you in a position where you wouldn’t dare to dream of something better, for yourself, for your family, about anything, ever?

    My story is specifically about my home, Cape Town, South Africa.

    A place so breathtaking, it reminds you constantly that a higher power must truly exist.

    A place filled with the friendliest people, with a strong sense of family and community.

    People who smile easily and see the bright side of even the darkest realities.

    And, under it all, we have all been touched by the far-reaching hand of hardship.

    Elders have seen extreme poverty and prejudice, while raising large families as best they could under unrelenting circumstances.

    Families have lost loved ones in struggles for a better world at the southernmost point of the African continent.

    And the struggle continues.

    In 2020, the struggle persists.

    Sixty million voices go unheard every single day, with a slew of injustices hurled at them every so often, for good measure.

    Senior citizens have no means to support their modest lives, and no one to care for their needs.

    Unfair, with a lifetime of regrets.

    Able-bodied, competent, grown men and women are forgotten by the system, and left as easy prey to life-shattering temptations.

    Unfair, with daily desperation.

    With an unemployment rate pushing 30%, what will they do, and what will become of them and their families?

    The youth stare a bleak future straight in the face.

    Unfair, with overwhelming depression.

    Children lack the little they need to blossom into the future of this world.

    Unfair, with blissful oblivion.

    How long must they be happy in the little they all have?

    Every family has a story to tell.

    And sadly, the vast majority all sound like a broken record, playing the same tune over and over again.

    My family’s story is no different.

    Grew up in poverty, shared a home with ten other people, had very little to eat, had no gas or electricity, no vehicle, walked long distances in harsh conditions just to get to school every day, no telephone, no television, no appliances, no hot water, problematic plumbing in an outhouse, no healthcare, no dental care, one pair of shoes per person, worn until their soles were irreparable, clothes made from offcuts by the matriarch of the family, left school before the age of fourteen, helped support the family by taking on manual labor, stayed home to take care of eight to fourteen growing children…

    And the list of unimaginable challenges goes on.

    Sounds like a village situated in the remote parts of an undiscovered jungle somewhere, forgotten by time and progress.

    Yet, they survived.

    And tragically, so did the circumstances.

    In the age of social media, digital business, and limitless telecommunications, harsh circumstances still exist.

    While some miraculously overcame unbelievable odds, beat the system, and thrived, others were left at the mercy of history chasing its tail in a vicious cycle.

    And today, millions of people in South Africa still live this way, with no way to step out of the madness.

    As a kid, I remember both my mother and grandmother employing domestic workers who lived in an informal settlement (either with their families, or apart from their families who lived in a faraway state), in a makeshift dwelling that could go up in smoke, literally, at any moment, from a neglected candle.

    As an adult, I do the same as my mom and gran before me, and the very same set of criteria exists that has existed for four whole decades.

    No one has come to the rescue.

    Delving into the lives of those loyal domestic workers, it is not hard to imagine that the younger generations of their families walk the paths they always have.

    Unfair, hopelessly so.

    Same story goes for the gardeners, and brick layers, and handymen, and janitors, and security guards, and petrol attendants (who?), and car guards (huh?), and caretakers, and garbage collectors, and…

    But wait, there’s more. Devastatingly, there’s more.

    Add to the list, that layer of society who, until now, have managed to live marginally above the breadline (living pay check to pay check) and have a relatively “comfortable” life, who have now lost their gainful employment and don’t know where to start to earn a living wage to keep their families fed, clothed, and cared for.

    How do they get to win and rise above these life-altering, unexpected curveballs?

    The only immediately viable solution for them all that I can see is compassion, kindness, and generosity.

    Compassion from others, kindnesses from strangers, generosity of family and friends.

    And let me just assure you right now, in case you’ve ever wondered, that there is enough to go around on this magnificent planet.

    Interest in the well-being of others—the children, the youth, the family men and women, the seniors.

    Thankfully, this place called Cape Town has scores of beautiful people who practice compassion as a part of everything they do.

    Parents and siblings protect each other from the wolves at the door.

    People make the best of their dire conditions, and are grateful for all that they have, even if all they have is their health.

    Families and friends check that their family members and friends are “okay.”

    And would you believe that, even though you now know almost everyone’s story, they’ll do all that they can to convince you that they actually are okay?

    There’s a term for that: “making do.”

    They make do with what they have, they make do with what has been given to them, they make do with what they receive, they make do with what you can spare them, they make do with how they live, they make do with what they get paid for their hard, often physical, work. They make do.

    Their dignities are intact, in their minds at least, if not in reality.

    Unfair, to you and I, definitely.

    To them, it’s just life.

    And it’s in all of our hands.

  • Life Isn’t Always Fair

    Life Isn’t Always Fair

    Life isn't always fair

  • 7 Habits That Keep You Strong (Even When Things Go Wrong)

    7 Habits That Keep You Strong (Even When Things Go Wrong)

    “I’m stronger because of the hard times, wiser because of my mistakes, and happier because I have known sadness.” ~Unknown

    It’s happened to most of us.

    Despite our best intentions, something goes dreadfully wrong.

    You suffer a heartbreaking loss, make a terrible mistake, or get blindsided by an injury.

    In disbelief your mind cries, “Wait. What?”

    And then, “No, no, no, this can’t be happening.”

    After the initial shock, when the surge of stress hormones has subsided, you realize that yes, this is happening.

    And you can’t help thinking: “But how could this happen? It’s not fair. I can’t bear it. Why me? Why now? How will I ever get through this?”

    Your mind is reeling. You feel anxious and dejected.

    Well, something like this just happened to me too.

    After eight days away and a grueling fifteen-hour return trip, my husband and I were relieved to finally arrive home at 1:00AM on a Wednesday.

    But as soon as I opened the front door, I knew something was terribly wrong. My beloved cat Tiffany had come to greet me, but she wasn’t purring in her usual comforting way.

    She was yowling in distress in a way I had never, ever heard before.

    “Wait. What? What’s wrong, what’s wrong?”

    And then somehow, I just knew. I ran further into the house and discovered evidence that confirmed one of my worst nightmares.

    My trustworthy, longtime pet sitter had not been in to care for Tiffany.

    My sweet, sixteen-year-old cat had been home alone with no food, water, or heart medication for eight days. How was she even still alive?

    As a devoted animal lover, witnessing Tiffany’s trauma and subsequent physical and mental decline has been heartbreaking for me.

    I’ve had plenty of negative, angry, and despairing thoughts vying for my attention over this. And I definitely felt weakened by the experience.

    But as soon as I could, I consciously returned to the habits I’ve created over time that keep me strong no matter what shows up in my life.

    1. Use your power of choice.

    No matter what your circumstances, you have the power to choose your direction and how to use your energy. You can choose to use your energy in positive, productive ways or in negative, destructive ways. Either way, the choices you make now determine your future.

    As soon as I opened my front door and saw Tiffany’s suffering, I had some choices to make. I could choose to stay devastated, distraught, and depressed. Or I could choose to embrace the miracle that my cat was still alive and empower myself to give her the loving attention she deserved.

    Practice choosing to focus your energy in positive directions until it becomes a habit. Once it does, you will be more empowered and experience less trouble in your life. You will feel like you are living on purpose, taking charge of your direction rather than viewing life as something that just happens to you.

    2. Accept what is, no matter what.

    Practice not mentally labeling what happens as good or bad; just let it be.

    Accepting what is, instead of judging it, puts you in a state of inner non-resistance. You can still want to change things, but you have a calmer attitude, and any action you take to improve your situation is more effective.

    I rated my Tiffany’s circumstances as terrible at first. But by quickly accepting the situation instead of raging against it, all my mental and intuitive energy was available to discern what she needed most so that I could help her right away.

    Allow things to be as they are rather than resisting them. Once this becomes a habit, you’ll find yourself calmly thinking of effective solutions for problems that used to be overwhelming.

    3. Be grateful.

    Besides enhancing your everyday life, finding things to be grateful for can help you cope during hard times by giving you a wider perspective that helps you feel less overwhelmed by difficult circumstances.

    An eight-pound, sixteen-year-old cat with a heart condition could easily have died from such a trauma. So I had three things to be grateful for that night.

    First, Tiffany was still alive. Second, I got home just in time to rescue her. And third, I was grateful that my pet sitter had taught me to leave extra water out when going on a trip. This is probably what saved Tiffany’s life.

    Practice focusing on what’s going right. Notice things to be grateful for every day. Soon, finding something to be grateful for will become your automatic response to anything that happens. And eventually you’ll find that your gratitude habit brings more joy into your life.

    4. Neutralize the negative.

    Sometimes our thinking is directed by our inner critic, who can say some harsh things. But when you pay attention, you can recognize unhealthy thoughts and change them to more positive statements.

    My inner mean girl spoke up that night. “Tiffany counts on you to keep her safe. How could you let this happen?”

    I immediately cut this off by replacing the unhelpful thoughts with words I often say out loud to my sweet cat: “I love you, Miss Tiffany.”

    Always question your negative thoughts, and practice changing them to positive, helpful statements. Once this becomes a habit, you’ll find that negative thoughts lose their power to upset you. Over time, you will be able to more easily let them go, and your mind will become more peaceful.

    5. Return to the present moment.

    As human beings, one of our favorite mental activities is to get lost in thinking about the past or the future.

    Remembering to bring your attention back to “now” sweeps the debris from your mind and returns you to a state of simplicity.

    Throughout that long night, I did my best not to get lost in thoughts of how this could have happened or what Tiffany’s health would be like from then on. I just kept bringing myself back to the present moment with, “I love you, Miss Tiffany.”

    As you go about your daily activities, keep your full attention on whatever is happening here and now rather than getting lost in thought. Once this becomes a habit, you will be more connected to your inner wisdom. You will notice that decisions are easier to make, and life begins to flow more smoothly.

    6. Trust yourself.

    It’s better to trust in your own feelings and intuition—even if you make mistakes along the way—than to look outside yourself for guidance.

    Even though this felt like an urgent crisis, I took my time considering the options.

    I could put Tiffany in the pet carrier and go for a forty-five-minute drive to the emergency veterinary hospital. Or I could quietly care for her myself for a few more hours until my local vet’s office opened.

    It was the middle of the night, and she had already been through so much. My intuition said that keeping her home would be less stressful, so that’s what we did.

    Remember to always tune in to your inner wisdom for help. Once you make this a habit, you will feel less stressed and more positive. You will have a sense of inner security and self-contained confidence that is not based on the approval of others.

    7. Forgive.

    True forgiveness means that you accept the reality of what happened without an emotional charge. You recognize the healing and growth you have achieved from working through the upsetting experience, and you wish healing and growth for the other person.

    My pet sitter was distraught by her scheduling mistake and begged me to forgive her. I knew she would never intentionally cause harm to any living thing. I also knew how devastated I would be if I was the one who had made such a mistake.

    And so I did. I forgave her.

    Practice forgiving others and releasing the toxic resentment that hurts your heart. Forgive yourself too; we all make mistakes at one time or another. Making a habit of forgiveness frees you to move on with your life and experience higher levels of inner peace.

    You: Calm, Clear, and Confident

    Life’s hard when things go wrong.

    Feeling shocked, anxious, and dejected is no fun.

    But practicing these habits when times are fairly good will enhance your life and help you stay strong during the hard times.

    Imagine being in the middle of a disappointment or a crisis and being able to move swiftly through the shock and stress rather than getting stuck there.

    Imagine feeling calm, clear, and confident during difficult circumstances instead of confused and overwhelmed.

    Imagine even reaching a state of inner peace as you take action to make things right again.

    Some of these concepts are easier to turn into habits than others, and they all take time to master.

    But if you will pick even one and start practicing, you will become stronger, wiser, and more resilient no matter what life throws at you.

    If I can do it, you can too.

  • How to Release Disappointment and Thrive When Life Isn’t Fair

    How to Release Disappointment and Thrive When Life Isn’t Fair

    “When you learn to accept instead of expect, you’ll have fewer disappointments.” ~Unknown

    At thirty-six weeks pregnant, I was in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, screaming with pain. It was excruciating, the worst pain I had ever experienced, and I had experienced lots.

    As the ambulance officer supported me out the front door and into the back of the ambulance, all I could think was, “How is this going to affect my baby?”

    After two ambulances, two hospitals, and a barrage of tests, I was sitting on the hospital bed, absolutely exhausted—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

    My thoughts started to go down the same well-worn path: “Why me? Why do I have to deal with this? Life isn’t supposed to be like this. It isn’t fair!”

    It had been a common theme for me. I knew how life was supposed to turn out, and mine wasn’t it! It seemed like I had challenges to deal with that others didn’t have—that my lot was harder.

    I felt like all my energy and potential was being sucked up in dealing with adverse circumstances, leaving me no resources to do the things I really wanted to do in life.

    For the last twenty-three years, I had battled Crohn’s disease, a debilitating and incurable illness that had resulted in increasing pain, illness, and limitation—until then. Four weeks before the birth of my second child, I had ended up in hospital with massive pain.

    My doctors didn’t know how to deal with a woman having a Crohn’s flare up who was also pregnant and wanted to induce labor to deliver the baby prematurely. I was faced with making choices about medical treatments that could have serious impacts on me and my unborn child.

    As I sat there, I could feel the familiar frustration, dissatisfaction, and discontentment flooding over me.

    And in that unlikely place, I had an epiphany.

    Life is not the problem; expectations are.

    I finally realized, looking back at my life, that every time I’d struggled to deal with the hand I’d been dealt, it was because my expectations were clashing with reality. I had created a picture in my head of how life should be, and when things didn’t turn out, I didn’t cope.

    It wasn’t life that was the problem; it was my unrealistic expectations. I had thought that being idealistic and striving for a goal was a good thing, but it wasn’t leading to a contented and fulfilled life.

    If you are feeling hardly done by and frustrated about your circumstances, ask yourself if there is a mismatch between the reality of your situation and what you expected. If there is, you have inadvertently set yourself up for frustration, disappointment, and even anger.

    While these emotions are natural when we experience adversity, they are not helpful to live with long term.

    The only way to resolve them is to face up to the situation you are actually in and accept it. This does not mean we should not have any expectations, but if we want to be content, we need to accept what is during hard times while trusting for something better in the future.

    Instead of trying to change the world, change your focus.

    While I was in the hospital, I talked to other mothers who had been there for the whole of their pregnancy or whose babies would need surgery as soon as they were born. It made me realize that while I was in a hard place, things could have been so much worse.

    I realized that I was only seeing one side of my life. I was very good at seeing what was not there (that I thought should have been) but was ignoring what was there that was good.

    In thinking about my illness, I was focusing on the pain and how it was stopping me from earning an income, and how my energy was limited, and how the whole situation was negatively affecting my family.

    But I wasn’t embracing and being grateful for how other people, particularly my husband, cared for me, how I was growing in wisdom and compassion, and how the experience was teaching me more about myself.

    If you seem to be coping with more than your fair share of frustration and disappointment, check your focus for a minute. Are you only seeing the gaps, where reality isn’t meeting your expectations, or are you also acknowledging the good that is coming your way?

    It may be helpful to create a list with two columns where you can explore what you are feeling about your circumstances.

    On the right side, write down where your expectations aren’t aligning with reality: where the gaps are, what sucks, and what you think shouldn’t be happening.

    On the other side, write down what is positive: where the divine is in the situation and what is great about this. This is not about being falsely positive. This is about finding the moments of genuine joy and connection in the midst of pain.

    Pay attention to how you feel when making each list. Having refocused the situation for yourself, you can now choose which emotions to take into the future about that experience.

    The great thing about this exercise is that it frees you from striving to change the world to match your own expectations. Instead, all you need to feel happier is a little shift in your focus.

    Embrace the pain and then take control.

    I learned that I needed to embrace the whole experience, both the good parts and the gaps, and that gave me the ability to choose a more empowering set of beliefs and meaning for what was happening to me. This in turn helped me discover new possibilities that I couldn’t see before.

    Having refocused myself, I was able to sort through a lot of complex information and options regarding medical treatment, define what outcomes I wanted, and make a constructive action plan that put me in charge of my health.

    And the end result? That time round, beginning with circumstances that weren’t promising at all, I got all the outcomes I wanted, including a healthy baby and a natural birth.

    The irony about accepting the situations we find ourselves in is that once we have, we are able to make decisions and take action that moves us toward the place we truly want to be. We stop feeling like a victim of circumstance and more like the captain of our own ship.

    That doesn’t mean that we will get what we want every time. Life doesn’t work like that. However, coming to a place of acceptance gives us the strength and peace to deal with whatever outcome we receive, whether desired or not, and the ability to move forward rather than getting stuck in adversity.

    Empowering questions we can ask ourselves include:

    • What outcomes do I want? Write down every result that is important to you in the situation.
    • What beliefs can I choose that will support me right now? Give yourself an empowering set of beliefs that help you feel hopeful in the situation.
    • What action can I take? Outline actions you can take today, this week, and in the next month that will move you toward your outcomes.

    You can soar above adversity.

    These days, I still have Crohn’s disease but have largely given up my unrealistic expectations, and not living with that frustration has taken a lot of stress away from my life. I am in better health than I have been for years and achieving more.

    It took a while for me to let go of my idealism and find the good in adversity, but by practicing it over a number of years, I have gotten better at it.

    We all live with circumstances that are not ideal. Life is too short to live in frustration that things are not the way we want them to be.

    Why you? Because there are important jewels you can discover in the midst of adversity that will reward you for the rest of your life. You are strong enough to embrace reality and perform the alchemy that will transform frustration into contentment and positive outcomes.

    We’re all here rooting for you.

    Go and make it happen.

  • Forgiving In a Situation That Feels Unjust

    Forgiving In a Situation That Feels Unjust

    Sad

    “When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” ~Unknown

    There I was: numb from a conclusion of a dismissal based on a finding that there was “no reasonable prospect of success.”

    Harassed, bullied, victimized, stalked both in-person and online, the Human Rights Tribunal tossed me into another discarded pile of victims to be ignored by the courts because a group of goons were cleaver enough to hide the body of proof.

    My assailants comprised of four individuals. One was a divorced teacher of two children who engaged in inappropriate sexual relationships with three of his immediate students—the most recent being only 18 years old when the relationship began.

    Another was his female co-worker who heinously accused me of threatening her fetus despite never detailing the exact threat, the manner in which the threat was executed, or when the alleged threat occurred.

    The others were a male co-worker who accused me of “staring at him,” despite photo evidence of his flashing the genital regions of another male co-worker, and the presently 22-year-old student who exchanged sexual favors with her teacher and attempted to spread a malicious rumour that I was arrested by local police. 

    Why did I become their target? Because I rejected the sexual advances of the teacher without knowing of his previous sexual encounters within the college program or his current relationship with a student, and filed an internal complaint with the college.

    Most of the information I know today was discovered months after my departure from the academic institution.

    I still have yet to learn of the nature of these alleged death threats I made or what exactly I threatened.

    The accusation of threatening a fetus was most troubling, as there has never been an account of what the exact threat was, how a fetus can be threatened, and when this situation occurred.

    I have been an educator for most of my career and presently assist students with learning disabilities to improve their literacy levels. To have such blatant lies against someone like me who has dedicated so much to assist in the growth of others, and for others to actually believe these lies, was horrendous.

    Local police were baffled that the courts would dismiss what they saw for themselves, and were more than obliging to provide further assistance in obtaining restraining orders against the respondents, as a school employee threatened to physically assault me.

    I understood that a dismissal did not mean that the vice-chair of the Tribunal thought that I was a liar, or thought that none of these actions transpired, or thought that the respondents were innocent of the things of which I accused them.

    It meant that the body of proof and the actions which lead to my victimization were hidden so well that there was reason to doubt the existence of a victim at all—a horrific regularity in today’s world of anonymous online accounts: distorted images, fake lives, pseudonyms used by unknown figures.

    Yes, I know of karma. Yes, I know what goes around comes back around. Yes, I know a guilty soul eats away a person from within until the truth emerges. However, these thoughts and words of attempted condolence did not help.

    Longing and questioning filled my mind in the minutes that followed.

    When would karma come? Did the boomerang miss these people during an attempt for a universal justice? Could cosmetics continue to conceal their ugliness from the world, or worse, could their ugliness actually form a mask onto me for the world to be fooled that I was the perpetrator?

    I needed to find those words that would bring peace.

    Strangely, the source of victimization also served as a means of finding personal salvation: a Google search for the terms dealing with disappointment.

    My first search was fruitful with an anonymous quote from this very website: “Do not let today’s disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dreams.”

    The satisfaction I gained from this quote was fleeting, as the notion that I still had dreams to hold onto was always true, even during the ordeals with my tormentors. Also, even monsters dream.

    The article (4 Steps to Deal with Disappointment by Raeeka) followed with a useful list of four: Let it out, get some perspective, know your own heart, and practice acceptance.

    While I could recognize the usefulness of this list in my future, it still failed to complete the emotional journey I was presently in.

    I had already accepted what the courts decided and could already devise the rationality behind the decision. Excusing myself for being a bit too logical for the emotions I was experiencing, I continued in my search.

    It was my second search that brought me to a new list from the same website, and a sentence that changed my perspective on everything: “Consider that there is nothing to forgive” (3 Unconventional Tips for Forgiving and Letting Go by Lisa Esile).

    These words made me realize that my complaint filed with the tribunal was an act of telling these respondents that they needed to change for the better and giving them the opportunity to enrich themselves.

    However, if they cannot see how they wronged me and others, how can they ever see the need for change?

    I filed a complaint with the intention of assisting them in improving their current means of treating others when they weren’t open to improvement.

    It would be similar to using such a tactic on a rabid dog; the dog cannot realize that it has rabies, which is bad for it, or that when biting other living things that it causes greater harm than usual. It would be pointless to reason with the creature that it has an illness that needs to be rectified.

    A teacher who abuses his position and shames the education system, not once, not even twice, but three times is clearly someone not on a path I wish to follow. It’s not worth the energy to wait for him to change his course of behavior, let alone to wait for his supporters to change their respective paths to grow from their situations.

    I, on the other hand, have nothing to change in my foundation: I have told no lies; I have not shamed myself in my journey; I have not harmed the progress of others or their education; and I have not disrespected the education system by abusing my position with my students. I can only grow from my experiences.

    Forgiveness has become a term that we use as a sword and a parachute.

    For some, looking for a reason to forgive becomes a journey for revenge—if something bad happens to that hurtful person, then I can forgive them. For others, forgiveness becomes an escape route for their inconsiderate behavior—an “oh well, time heals all wounds” mentality, so why worry about any harm inflicted?

    Forgiveness can only be given to someone or something that you can truly believe would have chosen differently if they had more understanding or different circumstances.

    From what I know, my assailants are similar to the rabid dogs in that they cannot see the problem, so it’s pointless to expel my energy on them. And should they change from their current circumstances, it would be such a change that forgiveness would not be required from me, as they would no longer be the people who inflicted this harm.

    In an unjust situation we sometimes need to accept that the other person is simply incapable of distinguishing right from wrong. And it’s that acceptance that can help us understand and find peace.

    Photo by Casey Muir-Taylor

  • Life Isn’t Always Fair: 5 Steps to Accept Tough Situations

    Life Isn’t Always Fair: 5 Steps to Accept Tough Situations

    “Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti

    I hate my life! It’s a phrase that’s used by teenagers and adults alike. Sometimes we use it for dramatic effect and sometimes we mean this literally.

    When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder two years ago and said “I hate my life!” I meant every word. I hated it so much that there were times I didn’t think it was worth living.

    The depression was incapacitating. The hypomania disguised itself as extreme anxiety and irrational fears.

    In order to stay alive, I had to accept my illness, let go of what I wanted my life to be, and have faith that the future would take care of itself.

    Here are five things I’ve learned so far on my journey of accepting a life that isn’t fair and never will be.

    1. Recognize the problem.

    Right before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I tried to be everything to everyone. I gave 100% at work, I gave 100% to my family, and I gave 100% to whatever else needed me.

    I came to find out that giving 300% is impossible. Something had to give. That something was me.

    I had a breakdown. Several of them, actually, because right after I recovered from one, before long I found myself going back to giving 300%. I lost count of the number of times I was admitted to an acute treatment facility for days at a time.

    At last I realized that living life this way was going to kill me. I couldn’t accept that I had an illness. I couldn’t accept that I had to slow down. I couldn’t accept that I wasn’t perfect.

    Because of that I didn’t want to be alive. The pain of living with a mental illness can result in that type of thinking.

    Sometimes we have to make a choice: pretend that nothing is wrong and then continually deal with the consequences, or acknowledge the problem and face it head-on.

    2. Do something about it.

    Once I accepted the fact that I wasn’t like many people who can handle work stress, be a part-time single parent, and do whatever else is needed, I grudgingly started making changes. I resigned from my job as a newspaper reporter, left co-workers who had become good friends, and started working at home.

    I spent more time taking care of myself. I started meeting with a meditation teacher who taught me how to accept what is. She showed me ways to calm anxiety and ride the wave of depression, knowing that it would eventually pass.

    When life changes, we need to become aware that there are always more choices. They might not be the choices we want, but there are always choices. Open your mind, look around, and you’ll find many more courses of action than the obvious ones in front of you.

    3. Let others help.

    When I was going through depression and was unable to do everyday tasks or even take care of my children, it was hard for me to ask for help.

    “I should be able to do this on my own.” “I don’t want to bother anyone or be a bother.” These were my thoughts as I beat myself up after I had to ask for help.

    It occurred to me after awhile that most people enjoy helping others. It makes them feel good. I know whenever someone comes to me asking for help, and if I’m able to, I feel good about myself afterwards.

    In fact, altruism is one of the main factors in achieving happiness, according to a book I read called What Happy People Know by Dan Baker.

    Just think, by asking for help you may actually be helping the other person.

    4. Take ownership.

    After I sought out psychiatric help for my illness/behavior, I expected my therapist and doctor to make it change. I insisted they make it change. I got angry because they couldn’t change it.

    “They weren’t trying hard enough.” “They didn’t understand me.” “If they would just listen!” These were the thoughts that I had as I struggled during the roughest times of my illness.

    Finally I was able to grasp the fact that they couldn’t change it. At first it frightened me. These were professionals. They studied, worked, and knew more than I did and they couldn’t fix it.

    Wait a minute. Then why even bother dealing with them? It was useless, hopeless. I wasn’t strong enough to handle this.

    These were all lies I told myself. Because after eight years of therapy I actually knew quite a bit. I learned skills that had helped me through the darkest moments of my life.

    Just like a teacher can’t follow a student around for the rest of his or her life reading books to them and watching over them as they write a paper, my therapist couldn’t come home with me and hold my hand through every problem I faced. She is the most supportive person in my life, but she couldn’t do it for me.

    Eventually it was up to me to use the skills I had been taught.

    When my anxiety rose to excruciating levels, I remembered to go to a quiet place (usually my bathroom) and breathe through the panic until it subsided. I learned that it wasn’t going to last forever, eventually it would pass and I just had to ride it out.

    It’s important to learn skills from people who have more experience with your problem, but it’s up to you to put them into action. It will be scary at first doing them on your own, but the more you do it the more confident you will become.

    5. Change what you can and accept the rest.

    I was forced to make changes to my lifestyle in order to achieve and remain stabilized. I may have lost my job, but I gained a life.

    I accepted that I have an illness that isn’t going away. There is treatment but no cure for bipolar disorder. I have faced the fact that I will have to deal with depression, hypomania, and anxiety throughout the rest of my life.

    I learned coping skills and take prescribed medication to minimize my symptoms, and it’s made living with the illness bearable.

    Acceptance didn’t make my illness go away, but it relieved a big part of my suffering as I became aware of the steps I had to take. I have faith that I will be able to live with the unpredictability of my illness.

    These are five steps to accept you are not where (or who) you want to be.

    Acknowledge the fact that you might have to come up with another plan. Before you know it, you may find yourself thinking about the past and wondering why you didn’t want it to change, because your present definitely works better.

  • How to Deal with Unfairness and Change the Things You Can

    How to Deal with Unfairness and Change the Things You Can

    “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” ~Mary Engelbreit

    Many times in the past, I’ve complained that things weren’t fair.

    Sometimes I was legitimately wronged—like when I was a kid and an adult in my life regularly told people lies about me, seemingly to justify her disdain and mistreatment.

    Other times, I victimized myself to avoid taking responsibility—like when I didn’t prepare well and bombed at a community theater audition but attributed my failure to favoritism.

    As an indignant adolescent, I blamed many of my difficult early experiences for the perpetual chip on my shoulder. I bemoaned the injustices of the world because I felt so many befell me.

    It wasn’t my fault that I was angry all the time; there was just a lot to be bitter about. At least that’s what I thought back then.

    One day, when I was commiserating with a friend who was upset about a seemingly unfair situation in her life, I wondered: What good does this do us?

    Grumbling about injustice doesn’t make things just, and the ensuing hostility doesn’t help us effectively address things that need fixing.

    You can’t create positive change from a negative mindset. You have to heal your pain before you can set out to heal the world. And you have to stop seeing yourself as a victim if you want to access your personal power.

    Still, despite knowing this and making a conscious effort to change, I still feel an instinctively strong and irate response to perceived unfairness at times.

    If a friend gets passed over for a promotion because it went to the boss’s daughter, I feel outraged for that friend.

    If I see someone hit a parked car and speed away, I seriously consider following them and issuing a citizen’s arrest.

    If I believe someone is earning boatloads of money unethically, I ruminate on how it’s not right, and wish I could do something to stop it.

    I think it’s wrong when someone cuts in line; it’s wrong when someone bucks a system; it’s wrong when systems don’t do what they’re supposed to… the list goes on and on.

    I’m learning to understand my strong emotional response so that I can challenge the feelings and thoughts that disempower me. If you’d like to do the same, you may find this post helpful.

    Our Biological Response to Unfairness

    While we all learned about fairness in childhood, scientists have proven we’re actually hardwired for it.

    Studies have shown that the reward centers of our brains activate when we recognize fairness, even when it pertains to someone else. When we witness unfairness, it triggers our amygdala, the primitive part of the brain that controls fear and anger.

    This means that when we feel like we’ve been treated unfairly, we go into fight-or-flight mode, with its resulting sense of anxiety.

    Psychologists suggest that when we fight for fairness for others, it’s actually self-interest in disguise, meaning we’ve recognized it provides us with some type of advantage to be fair.

    No matter how you slice it, we experience a strong, instant physical and biological reaction to perceived injustices, and this can limit our ability to think rationally and respond proactively.

    Life Isn’t Always Fair

    Every day, we have abundant opportunity to recognize injustice, on scales large and small, in our own lives and the lives of people we love.

    You could find out you make less than someone else in the same job.

    You could lose a promotion to someone else who is far less qualified.

    You could lose a court case when it feels obvious someone else was in the wrong.

    You could discover that a friend of yours is losing her savings because her accountant mismanaged her money.

    You could learn that someone you trusted to care for your mother took advantage of her good nature.

    You could find out that your sister’s losing her home because of predatory lending.

    And this doesn’t even touch upon the massive injustices happening all over the world, far outside the scope of our everyday experience.

    Life isn’t always fair. Whether it’s self-preservation, basic human decency, or a combination of both, we want to change that.

    In some cases, we can. We are not powerless, and we don’t have to simply accept every injustice as an unavoidable part of life.

    We do, however, need to accept that our response to perceived wrongs affects our ability to right them.

    Dealing with Unfairness

    Those people who don’t let unfairness make them bitter aren’t somehow better than others.

    They aren’t necessarily people who haven’t experienced severe injustice or inequality, and they also aren’t people who simply accept whatever happens without ever taking a stand.

    The people who handle unfairness well possess three things in common:

    • They think rationally before they act.
    • They recognize the difference between what they can control and what they can’t.

    Stopping Obsessive Thinking

    Dwelling on unfairness doesn’t do anything to change it; it actually affects our ability to do that since obsessive thinking drains our energy, magnifies our emotions, and keeps us more focused on problems than solutions.

    This has been the biggest challenge for me, as I’ve found it almost satisfying at times to think about things that seem wrong, as if this is productive.

    If you struggle with this as well, recognize when you start fixating on blaming thoughts, and visualize a stop sign in your head. Then repeat an affirmation along the lines of, “This isn’t productive. It is what it is, and I can either accept it or try to change it.”

    Thinking Rationally Before Acting

    In order to think rationally, we need to recognize that our biological reaction is just that, and consciously choose not to let it dictate our actions.

    According to psychologist and author Marcia Reynolds, when we feel slighted or cheated, and react emotionally, we then use our logical brain to rationalize that response. For example, we may tell ourselves, “I snapped, but he deserved it!”

    We can be far more effective if we use our logical brain first, before we do something we’ll later regret.

    In some cases, when we think rationally, we may realize an unfair situation is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things—when someone cuts us off and runs a red light, for example.

    It’s annoying, but is it really worth fuming during a car ride that could otherwise be pleasant?

    Other times we’ll still feel strongly that we need to fight for justice, but this doesn’t require us to act with aggression. It requires calm, careful planning and acting… if it’s something we can, in fact, control. This leads to the last step.

    Knowing What We Can Control and Doing Something About It

    We can’t change mistreatment that happened in the past. We can address mistreatment that’s happening now.

    We can’t change someone else’s decision or behavior if they aren’t willing to change. We can change how we respond to them (and choose to help educate and positively influence them).

    We can’t change that tragedies have occurred, in our own lives or in places across the globe. We can support causes that seek to prevent future tragedies, or even spearhead our own.

    And we can’t guarantee specific outcomes for our actions, but we can increase our odds of making a difference by being clear-headed, patient, and consistent.

    Sometimes there will be unfair things that we simply need to accept, and it might feel instinctive to fight that. We’re only human, and we will sometimes give in to our emotional responses.

    What’s important is that we try to move beyond them so we don’t let the things we can’t control take control of us.