Tiny Buddha

Tag: extremes

  • Emotionally Closed Off No More – How I’m Healing My Pain and Learning to Love

    Emotionally Closed Off No More – How I’m Healing My Pain and Learning to Love

    “Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.” ~ Buddha

    There’s only one way to survive life. Shut down, or get hurt and die.

    Well, that’s what I once believed.

    At some point during my childhood I decided that the only way to survive in the world was to shut down and close off my heart. I’m sure given a choice I would have chosen only to avoid the pain of life (not the pleasure), but open or shut are the only options available.

    Growing up, everyone and everything around me was inconsistent, physically and emotionally. My family moved many times throughout my childhood, and my parents were busy, professionally and socially.

    One minute, there—warm, light, and safe

    The next, gone—cold, dark, and alone!

    Every time I started to get settled, it would all disappear. I had no control, and I couldn’t trust anything. It became unbearable.

    I couldn’t make people or the world go away, so instead I shut up shop and hid my true self away from them, behind a false exterior.

    I put a smile on my face, and became a reflection to others’ wishes—like the princess in the tower, a prize to be admired, completely untouchable.

    I had a perfect facade.

    Today, years on, I am very much real.

    I work as a therapist and a writer now, and I’m on a soul quest to enjoy and share with the world.

    On my journey to get to this moment, I felt like an adrenaline junkie. I was always maxing out and pushing it to the edge to do anything to feel alive, through the darkest rivers of life and illuminating heights of spiritual enlightenment.

    I became ensconced in the spiritual world seeking practices to elevate my soul through meditation, esoteric reading, tarot cards, alternative religions, and mediumship. I experienced moments of peace, but I was still shut down. (more…)

  • Living in Extremes: Releasing the Need for Chaos and Control

    Living in Extremes: Releasing the Need for Chaos and Control

    “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” ~Gandhi

    The next time I feel it urgent to text someone off Craigslist after 11pm, I may think twice.

    I was obsessed with attaining the body of a fitness model. I had recently been laid off and when life gets tough, I go to work—on my abs. It’s hard to accept that I can’t sweat away my troubles or make my problems magically disappear by tightening my thighs.

    I tend to be a little high-strung, and excessive exercise helps me cope. Or, it possibly just adds more fuel to the fire. Whichever it is, during this particular fitness frenzy I found myself at a Starbucks near LAX waiting for the Craigslist seller I texted the night before. He had what I needed, and at half the price.

    I have since learned that when you say, “Let’s meet at thatStarbucks by the airport,” both parties need to be very specific about which one “that”is.

    I’ve heard stories where one person is at this Starbucks while the other is at the store two blocks down, but I never considered the possibility of mixing up three locations.

    I got to the first Starbucks and looked for my seller. He said he’d be wearing a black jacket. I told him I’d be wearing workout clothes, as I’d be coming straight from my Barry’s Bootcamp class in West Hollywood. He didn’t need to know this, but I tend to give out unnecessary details.

    When I opened the door to enter the Starbucks, it was the type of entry that brings with it a gust of wind – blowing everyone’s hair and rustling their papers. Since all eyes were now glaring at me, it was hard to tell who was looking because they were selling and who was just pissed off.

    I felt one man looking longer in my direction than the others. I walked up to him and whispered, “Are you the guy with the P90X?” He paused for a moment and then laughed, “No, I’m not.”

    If I had asked someone in, oh I don’t know, Minnesota for P90X, they would probably call the cops. In L.A., the familiarity obviously skewed high. This man knew right off that I was referring to Tony Horton’s 90-Day Extreme Home Fitness Workout DVD Program, and not a new blend of Ecstasy.

    I realized what I must have looked like to that man in my gym clothes trying to score P90X from the streets. I appeared to be an obsessive fitness fiend! I was feeling pretty embarrassed when I got a text from my seller: “Running 15 minutes late. Sorry.” (more…)