Tiny Buddha

Tag: expectations

  • Letting Go of Expectations and Letting Joy Find You

    Letting Go of Expectations and Letting Joy Find You

    Letting Go

    “The best things in life are unexpected, because there were no expectations.” ~Eli Khamarov

    Are there situations in your life where letting go of a desired outcome could potentially improve the outcome?

    I’d been invited to the Stern Grove festival, the free summer concert series, to see Andrew Bird. A friend of mine texted me the night before, letting me know he was setting up a picnic for it.

    I was feeling agitated that evening after spending more than I’d wanted to at a birthday dinner (which I was happy to attend, notwithstanding), and I anticipated wanting to recharge the next day, in solitude. (Pretending to have more money than you do is exhausting.) So I turned him down. “Enjoy it!” I texted.

    “Of course I will—it’s Andrew Bird!” he replied.

    The next morning, I settled into a café to work. But I couldn’t even start. As I stared at my laptop screen, resisting the pull to work on a Sunday and mildly resenting myself for need-choosing to freelance, I found myself Googling the Stern Grove website.

    I clearly wanted to go. So I closed my laptop and got out of there.

    Here’s where non-attachment comes in, because I knew that if I were going to actually haul my butt to that show, I’d have to mind-hack the excursion every step of the way.

    That part of me who resists working on a Sunday? She also resists not working. And going out. And being social. And stress in general, which of course is everywhere, relentlessly. So I do a lot of inner work on her behalf.

    As I walked to my car, I thought, “Well, I’m just going to take a nice Sunday drive to a new part of the city. If I decide at any point to not go, I won’t. I’ll turn it into a joyride around the Bay, which I enjoy doing anyway and would probably be doing later today.”

    That allowed me to relax, and I could take in the views, the landscape, even the traffic—because hey, I wasn’t on any timeline. “If I don’t make this in time, I just won’t go!” Win-win.

    I navigated my way to the park; I’m a Bay Area native but had never been! I was pleased to put the different neighborhoods together for myself.

    I drove past groups of blanket-clad concertgoers carrying coolers and maintained my detached stance toward my rising stress. “If I can’t find parking, I just won’t go. No problem.”

    I drove around for five minutes and parked four blocks away, in a residential goldmine others were pulling into as I walked.

    I arrived, alone and new to the venue. If you’ve never seen it, Stern Grove is gorgeous; you have ocean views as you’re headed there, and once you’re inside it’s as if the city doesn’t exist.

    I breathed in eucalyptus and felt the cool San Francisco air on my skin. I observed the crowds spreading out on the ground level and nesting on tiered ledges facing the wooded stage.

    Not a bad start at all. But I wanted to find my friend.

    Again, the mind-hack: “If I don’t find him, that’s okay. I’m just here to check this place out and watch a show.”

    The thing about all this self-talk is that I really believed it. That’s the rub: you have to sincerely buy it. There’s no gaming the system when it comes to enjoying the unexpected.

    This is a story about a concert, but the concept applies broadly to the more serious, high-stakes parts of life, too.

    What are your expectations in your relationships, for your career, of the world? What are you holding on to that letting go of might ease? (And understand that letting go does not mean giving up.)

    The next time you notice yourself attaching to an expectation, pause and check out how that feels inside. I’ll bet that your mind and body probably don’t like it very much. How can you soften it?

    As I wandered the aisles, scanning for my friend, I ran into an old roommate. We hadn’t seen each other for three years until the week before, at a house party. “Text me if you find your friend,” he told me. “I’m with a big group up front and we have plenty of space and booze and food.”

    Well okay, then! I did find my friend (with another mutual friend who’d come along), and despite some minor stress over hand stamps and ground access, we joined my ex-roommate and his buddies for wine and beer, fruit, deviled eggs, and vegan snacks mere yards from the stage and Andrew Bird’s spinning double-horn speaker.

    I stared at my surroundings in gratitude and awe. A perfectly unexpected Sunday afternoon with lush grove, loving company, and the atmospheric sounds of Andrew Bird and the Hands of Glory to match.

    Letting go can be the key to letting joy find you. Try it out sometime—it’s worth it.

    Man in the sky image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Tips to Create a Loving Relationship, With Fewer Disappointments

    5 Tips to Create a Loving Relationship, With Fewer Disappointments

    Happy Couple

    “Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

    Have you ever felt less about a relationship when it didn’t exactly pan out like a fairy tale? I sure did.

    I had it stuck in my mind that a great relationship should be picture perfect.

    When reality would give me a sobering slap showing it was far from perfect, I would walk away from a relationship that refused to meet my standards.

    I thought that a relationship is like a flower in a pot, ever blooming by itself. No hard work whatsoever. But the “flower” also has a tremendous thirst for nourishment and requires time and dedication to ensure it grows and blossoms.

    Stubbornly, I believed that when I met my one and only, my life would change for the better. Just like in a romantic movie, I was expecting the credits to roll up the much anticipated “Happy Ending” sign.

    Real relationships have nothing in common with a fairy tale.

    I had to learn that in order to find genuine happiness (in any relationship) I needed to let go of that silly, romantic movie-like metaphor. When I let go of what a relationship should be like, I started enjoying relationships as they were by looking beyond the flaws and releasing false expectations.

    5 Tips to Create a Loving Relationship

    1. Find wholeness instead of expecting someone else to complete you.

    Give yourself and your partner the greatest gift by becoming whole so that you won’t look for a relationship to complete you, or lose yourself and dissolve into another person completely.

    It was challenging to break free from the notion that in order to be whole, I had to find my other half. I also struggled to find a connection with myself outside the walls of relationships. But I was convinced that it was crucial to be able to find comfort in my own company.

    We all want to be happy, and happiness comes from within. Solitude allows us to clear our mind and unwind. It gives us to chance to reflect on what we want to experience to create fulfillment in life.

    Put some time aside. Nurture yourself with the love and attention you deserve. The more you fill yourself with love, the more love you’ll be ready to give. Be kind to yourself. Find your peace and comfort in solitude.

    All great love stories start with loving ourselves first. When we nourish our internal light, then we are ready to share it with the rest of the world.

    2. Focus on yourself instead of trying to change someone else.

    I was determined to change my partner and teach him something that just didn’t appeal to him. I’ve only recently realized that it’s fruitless to try to change someone else, and better to focus on yourself, acting as an example of what’s possible.

    For instance, two-and-a-half years ago I started eating healthy and exercising daily. I became a vegetarian and was excited about the way I felt and the weight I dropped in a matter of a couple of months. Of course I wanted my significant other to feel what I felt. I wanted him to feel good.

    I was forcing him to attain my new healthy habits. It turned into an obsession to see dramatic changes in him in a heartbeat. The result? He became furious and resentful.

    When I quit nagging about what he should do, I gave him space to breathe and be himself. And eventually, when he was ready to change, my significant other turned his eating habits around. He followed my example because he felt compelled, not forced.

    3. Learn to see the extraordinary within the ordinary.

    We often do just about anything to avoid the ordinary, don’t we? For years I couldn’t see the magic in sharing the day-to-day life with the person I love.

    I was comically obsessed with avoiding ordinary, so I wished that each moment would take my breath away, or that my partner would do something that would. I wanted each moment to be epic and filled with glory.

    I had my expectations way up high and forgot how to appreciate all the “little” things—things that might seem ordinary, like going for a walk in the park hand-in-hand.

    I’ve learned how to see the beauty in each moment shared with my loved one knowing that ordinary is extraordinary when you see things through the heart.

    4. Let go of conditions and expectations.

    Have you ever placed conditions on your love? I did.

    When we expect people to give us love in a precise way we yearn for it, we put our contentment in someone else’s hands and suffocate our relationships with impossibly high standards.

    If you’re not happy with something, share your feelings, but consider that love won’t always look exactly as you expected it would. Letting go of heavy expectations gives our relationships room to breathe and allows us to appreciate everything that’s going right instead of focusing on what we think is wrong.

    5. Listen to understand.

    Arguments are awful, aren’t they? They leave us with that bitter aftertaste. Arguments have also made me think less of myself, and the relationship.

    I failed to realize back then that the more we communicate and listen, the fewer challenges we face.

    State your point patiently and listen to what your partner has to say without interrupting them. Construct the bridge of understanding through the chasm of the argument.

    We all want to be heard and understood.

    The biggest problem with communication occurs when we don’t listen to understand; we listen to reply or to fight back.

    I still struggle with the whole “not acting upon emotion” thing; however, I understand that emotions are temporary, but the situations created by them may resonate for much longer period of time.

    —

    When we allow our relationships to be imperfect and accept that we all have imperfections too, that’s when tiny yet noticeable changes occur. We all deserve nourishing relationships that are filled with love, respect, and warmth. Share your light and let yourself be loved in return.

    Happy couple image via Shutterstock

  • When You Want to Make a Change but Feel Confused and Scared

    When You Want to Make a Change but Feel Confused and Scared

    “Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Have you ever had an inner knowing that it was time to make some life changes, but you felt too confused to make them?

    I’ve certainly felt that way a time or two. After I graduated college years ago, I felt completely confused about what I was going to do with my life. I was asking myself questions like: How am I going to find meaning? What should I do for a career? How can I make my dreams a reality?

    But what if you feel so confused about your life that you end up doing nothing?

    I remember moving home after college, lying in bed and reading fiction books for hours. I wanted to escape from the intense confusion and endless questions running through my mind.

    The reality is, I was scared. I was scared to start a job, but also scared not to. I was scared to move away from the comforts of home, but deep down I couldn’t wait to get out. I was scared of the unknown, but also excited by the fact that anything could happen!

    I was afraid to make a change, so I tricked myself into thinking that it was too complicated and confusing. For a couple months I did nothing, and my frustration grew.

    Fear-based confusion is when you have an inner knowing that things are “off,” or you want to make a major life change, but you feel too confused to take action.

    It seems like there are too many problems, unknowns, reasons why-not, or decisions that are too difficult to make. So you stay confused.

    Does this sound familiar? Maybe you’re confused about making a career change, moving to a new city, ending a relationship, or getting your finances in order. I think we’ve all experienced this fear-gripping confusion in one form or another, and I know how frustrating it can feel.

    I’ve noticed that when you’re aware we’re confused because we’re scared, it can drastically reduce your stress about it.

    You’re certainly not alone or helpless. And luckily, fear-based confusion is easy to move beyond. Below are my top ways to move through life confusion and finally get clear on what you want so you can take action toward it.

    1. Follow your excitement.

    If the fear runs deep, following your excitement will help. For example, instead of trying to answer the question, “What should I do with my life?” ask yourself, “What excites me right now?”

    Make a list of all the activities and experiences that excite you, but try not to judge your list. For example, simply riding my bike to a local cafe for some homemade chai in the morning really excites me. It doesn’t matter if things on your list seem small or insignificant.

    There are several benefits to following what excites you in this moment. One, you start to feel more excited about your life. And two, your excitement usually leads you to people and experiences that will help you set a direction for yourself (more on this below).

    Follow what excites you now, and know that your sources of excitement are going to shift and change as you grow.

    Following your excitement is much less daunting than trying to figure out your whole life. In addition, it leaves room for expansion and gives you the freedom to continually try new things.

    2. Decide on your direction.

    Decide very clearly on the direction you want to go in. Making a clear decision is the quickest way out of confusion. I know this sounds obvious, but sometimes we have insane inner thoughts that hold us back. Thoughts like, “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t deserve this.”

    But you most definitely are good enough, and you do deserve peace no matter what you’re telling yourself. Believe in yourself enough to make a decision and know that you will make the right one. Don’t worry about making a “bad” decision. In my opinion, making no decision at all is often worse.

    In my example above, after a couple of months living with my parents and sinking deeper into my confusion, I decided to pack a backpack and travel to Spain. I didn’t really have any idea how that was going to help me answer my “big” life questions, but it excited me.

    When I got back home from that trip, I felt confident and even more excited. I then made the concrete decision to move across the country to Northern California, and that completely changed everything for me.

    The point is, it didn’t really matter what I did. It was my initial decision to do something that got me out of my confusion.

    Once you make the initial decision, the Universe will start to provide you with people and experiences that help you move forward. Breathe, become aware of how your decision feels in your body, and act on whatever option has a sense of lightness and openness to it.

    3. Release your expectations.

    Expectations lead to disappointment. Usually, when we finally make the decision to change, we proceed to come up with a detailed plan for how it should all go down. We immediately search for something that will make us feel secure in the face of change.

    But the truth is, you can manifest change much more quickly when you open yourself up the all the possibilities that you haven’t even thought of yet.

    It’s perfectly okay to focus on what you want, but I like to try and leave the details to the Universe and simply focus on what I’m excited and capable of doing right now. This allows you to feel joy now instead of making your joy dependant on a certain outcome in the future.

    You are meant to be here. As you focus on following what excites you in this moment, the clouds of confusion begin to part and you can see your direction more clearly. Then, moving toward it with inner confidence becomes natural.

    It’s okay to feel vulnerable in the process, but I know from experience that the vulnerability associated with change is completely worth it. You’re worth it. Don’t let the confusion hold you back a moment longer. Once you take the first step, everything else will unfold for you.

  • When Life Doesn’t Meet Our Hopes and Expectations

    When Life Doesn’t Meet Our Hopes and Expectations

    Disappointed

    “Anger always comes from frustrated expectations.” ~Elliott Larson

    I was recently watching my younger son play in a golf tournament. We had extensively prepared for this tournament over a period of several days. His technique was finely tuned. The game plan for attacking the course was in place.

    The first two holes went wonderfully.

    We arrived at the third hole, a medium length par three with water to the left.

    In the middle of his swing, a golf cart carrying bags of ice drove right in front of him at a distance of about fifteen feet. This broke his concentration and he stopped his swing. He attempted to gather himself and he proceeded to hit the shot.

    The ball went into the water.

    This was the beginning of a number of curious “breaks” that happened on almost every single hole until the final one.

    The result was a disaster. The tournament was ruined. The game plan was shattered.

    There were so many wounds inflicted that day. And I, perhaps more than him, suffered every one.

    I learned much from that day. One of them is the idea of a thin layer of space.

    What do I mean?

    The organs inside the human body sit next to one another, but they do not touch one another. They sit within body cavities but they do not touch the cavity. 

    Rather, they are separated from their surroundings by a membrane of space.

    Perhaps we can apply this ingenuity to the way in which we live our lives.

    As we experience the various emotions and events that we encounter in a given day, we feel jolts and grates and frictional rubs. We are affected by each one.

    Why?

    Because unlike the organs in our body, we live directly apposed to the events of our lives. As such, the slightest shudder feels like an earthquake. Every scratch feels like a flesh wound.

    What if we could learn to live our lives with a thin layer of space between us and the events that we experience?

    What if there was a thin layer of space between what we hope to receive and what we actually receive?

    A thin layer of space between our expectations of what should be and what actually comes to be.

    Perhaps this space would act as a shock absorber. Perhaps it would allow us to experience jolts as jolts. And scratches as just scratches.

    Perhaps this space would serve as a gutter in which the excesses of our demands and our hopes would collect and flow away, leaving us content with what is.

    Perhaps this is the only way that our lives can be enjoyed.

    Perhaps it provides us a dose of wisdom. Teaching us that life flows according to its own rhythms, rather than according to our whims.

    Perhaps it can teach us that our miseries come from seeing life through the prism of our own expectations. And that to see life in this way is to not see it at all.

    Perhaps a bump will seem more like a ride than a jolt. Perhaps thunder will seem more like a sound rather than an impending storm.

    It is our interpretation of events that gives rise to the parallel universe in which we live. As few of us truly live within the world. Rather, we live inside the mind.

    The mind sticks to everything that it experiences and we feel the reverberations of each and every one of these experiences.

    But with this thin layer of space, we can perhaps keep the tempest that surrounds us in perspective. And at arm’s length.

    This thin layer of space affords a thin window of time. Time that allows for a measured response. Time that allows for action borne of wisdom, rather than emotion.

    It is not the words, but the space between them that makes communication possible.

    Perhaps it is a thin layer of space between us and our lives that makes living possible.

    In understanding this thin layer of space, perhaps I can begin to appreciate that the events that happened on that day did not happen to my son. And that they did not happen to me.

    They just happened.

    Disappointed woman image via Shutterstock

  • Letting Go of the Attachments That Keep You Unhappy

    Letting Go of the Attachments That Keep You Unhappy

    “Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    My father died when I was fifteen, so I learned right away that life was too short. At the time, the only meaning I could grasp from his death was that my life needs to mean something.

    I vowed to make something great out of myself.

    I went to college determined to become a police officer. I had a strange gut feeling going in, something telling me that it was wrong, but I just assumed it was because I had a hearing loss, and I wasn’t going to let that stop me.

    I graduated with a degree in Applied Arts and Science. To this day, I’m not sure how I went down that path.

    I know it was mostly due to confusion and self-doubt. I still had to be an officer though; I had to do something with my life. I spent more than a year unemployed, hating myself more and more with each failed interview, each rejected resume.

    In my spare time, apart from moping, I wrote. Growing up I always had a small dream to be a writer, but I always pushed it aside, for too many reasons to list.

    One day, after I failed a physical to enter the police academy by two seconds, I drove home and it hit me.

    I didn’t want to be a police officer. I wanted to be a writer.

    What was I doing?

    I mentally beat myself up. I was so desperate, so attached to the idea that I had to be great, go somewhere no hard of hearing person ever went, that I failed to truly live.

    How could I miss all the things around me that I enjoyed, that made me happy and at peace?

    I had an amazing husband who always nudged me to write. I had great friends who loved me for who I was, not who I was set out to be. I had a family who supported me no matter what.

    I lived in Colorado with beautiful mountains and scenery.

    I failed to realize what I really learned from my father’s death: life is too short. Embrace the moments.

    How often have we attached ourselves to an idea that if I accomplish this, then I’ll be happy? The thing about dreams and goals is that they have to change with us. We can’t expect things out of life. We have to enjoy the ride, learn from our sufferings, and take each day as it comes.

    Letting go of a dream, especially one I’d held since childhood, was a very hard thing for me to do. But once I did, I’d never felt so free. Everything in my life fell into place.

    Attachment makes us suffer; it forces us into self-doubt and misery. We are tied down and locked in the prison of our own minds.

    Once you let go, you are free. It’s so liberating. It starts to become a little bit easier, day by day, to let go of other things. It’s not easy, though. Old habits tend to pull us back in, but if we learn to recognize this, we can continue to soar.

    How can you let go? Here’s what I learned that helped me.

    1. Don’t expect things out of life.

    This applies to everything. When you’re nice to someone, you expect them to be nice back. When you do someone a favor, you expect something in return. When you have a dream, you expect that it has to happen or you’re a failure.

    I expected to be a police officer. I ended up being a writer and working in a bookstore. And I’m so happy with where I ended up. You can’t force life to happen. Letting go helps you to embrace life and the path you are on, not the path you expected to be on. And sometimes you end up where you need to be.

    2. Accept things the way they are.

    Again, apply this to every aspect of your life. Accept people for who they are and how they behave. Accept who you are. Accept the world for what it is. Once you accept things, you can look deeper and see things for what they really are.

    3. Meditate or sit quietly.

    Sometimes just sitting still and quietly can help us look deep within ourselves and see what we really want. If I had done this long ago, I would’ve realized that being a police officer wasn’t what I truly wanted.

    When you meditate or just sit with your thoughts, you’ll find that the answer you want will come to you. and it’ll always be the one you’ll least expect.

    4. Recognize your feelings.

    When you find yourself attached to an emotion or idea, recognize the feelings and reasons behind it. What emotion is locking you to your attachment?

    For example, my attachment to being an officer was due to an old childhood emotion of wanting to prove to everyone that I can do something most people can’t.

    5. Forgive.

    This is one of the hardest. We have to look deep within us and forgive ourselves for everything. We have to see that we’re humans, and no human is perfect. We all make mistakes, and it’s okay to have made mistakes.

    Forgive yourself for everything. Once you do, you can let go of the attachments that keep you trapped, whether it’s to anger, a false self, or fear.

    It’s only until we let go are we truly free. And it’s only then can we really embrace the present moments and life itself.

  • 10 Ways to Let Go and Open Up to Love Again

    10 Ways to Let Go and Open Up to Love Again

    Love

    “A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home.” ~Rumi

    When I met my first love, my dull black and white life became as bright as a double rainbow. The intense hues of love flooded over me with extreme joy and happiness.

    Soon after meeting, we married and lived together for ten years. Yet, like rainbows and raindrops, our love evaporated and I took our divorce especially hard, soaking in self-pity and sadness while grieving for the past several years.

    After experiencing a painful breakup, you never, ever want to be in a relationship again. A broken heart and pained soul wants to give up on love altogether.

    Why put yourself through so much pain and suffering for a love that hurts and could end?

    The reason to give love another shot, I’ve learned, is that by loving better and deeper, we become even more whole. Our hurt and tears clear the fog around our heart and illuminate the soul.

    The journey to love is a journey to one’s self, your highest, most sacred and loving self.

    There are plenty of obstacles keeping us from loving again. Sad to say, I’ve experienced them all.

    Here are ten way to let go of the obstacles preventing you from having love in your life.

    1. Let go of pain.

    You can’t let go of pain by resisting it. You could avoid the pain for some time, but in order to move on you must fully embrace the pain.

    Embracing the pain means experiencing loss, sadness, and grief. As difficult as it might be, allow the tears to flow and share your experience with your friends and family.

    Write down your feelings and come to terms with the emotions you’re going through.

    Instead of judging yourself harshly for your feelings, wash yourself in compassion for finding the strength to move through your pain.

    2. Let go of trespasses.

    When you break up, you feel like you want to blame everyone for causing your heartache. This includes not just your ex, but also their parents, your parents, their friends, your friends, and everyone in between.

    The only way to stop blaming others is to forgive them. No matter how grave the offense or how unacceptable their behavior, your healing starts when you let go of the gripe. Yes, it was unfair; yes, it was unjust; and yes, they did you wrong. But there’s nothing to be done now but forgive.

    Forgive people, because they, like us, have many imperfections. They know not what they do. They don’t live up to our expectations and have had difficult pasts that we may not understand fully.

    3. Let go of bitterness.

    The way to let go of bitterness toward others is to think of the many positive qualities and experiences you’ve had with them.

    Your ex is not an evil person; they just weren’t the best person for you.

    Instead of being stuck on their flaws and wrongdoings, allow the power of forgiveness to overlook what they’ve ‘done’ to you. Look at what good they’ve done, how much they’ve helped you be a better person, and the happy times you had together.

    Remind yourself of their redeeming qualities. See their light.

    4. Let go of resentments.

    We let go of self-pity and resentments by being more grateful.

    Not only be thankful to your ex and the relationship you shared, but start living a life filled with gratefulness.

    Notice the small things and the big things that are constantly occurring around you.

    Appreciate the kind gesture, the words of encouragement, and the favorable circumstances that unfold in your life.

    Making a small gratitude list as you start or end the day can help you move from focusing on resentments to focusing on thankfulness.

    5. Let go comparing yourself to others.

    What I’ve learned is that no relationship is perfect, and most relationships look good from the outside. Comparing your relationship to others isn’t very constructive.

    Once again, transform bitterness toward others to gratefulness that others have found love in their lives. If others have found love, let that be a message of hope and possibility for you.

    We are each on our own journeys to better understanding ourselves and loving better. Our journey is independent of anyone else’s.

    Your day will come. Your broken love and loss are the seeds of true love.

    6. Let go of expectations.

    We’ve grown up to expect a lot of things to turn out a certain way. But like the weather and weather reports, you can’t count on sunny and bright all the time.

    If we can’t expect good weather, we sure can’t expect a perfect love or a partner to behave a certain way.

    The way to be happy in and out of relationships is to let go of expectations and conditions.

    Your Mr. or Mrs. Right isn’t a certain height, a certain profession, or a specific personality.

    Be open to the magic of possibilities.

    7. Let go of resistance.

    Although love can be painful and heart-breaking, be willing to open your heart anyway.

    Be open to meeting new people, be open to being vulnerable, and be open to falling in love again.

    Love can only bloom if you’re open to love in your life. Set the intention for love to enter again.

    8. Let go of being tough.

    I know the feeling well. “The stronger and more closed I am to others, the less likely someone else will hurt me again.”

    If you close your heart and feelings to others, you may avoid pain, but you’ll also miss out on happiness and joy.

    Seek to be your most honest self. Instead of hiding behind a cloak of someone you’re not, be yourself in the world, which will only make you more attractive.

    By being true to yourself, you’ll also attract people who are better suited for you.

    Being vulnerable means being honest about your shortcomings and sharing your feelings. It’s choosing honesty over trying to look good.

    9. Let go of telling the same story over and over.

    You want to tell the same sad story repeatedly to friends—a love gone wrong, a love soured, a love that fell apart.

    What if that story simply wasn’t true?

    There are many perspectives and stories in every relationship. Are you holding onto a story of resentment and bitterness?

    Are you willing to see a different story? A different perspective?

    Could the lost love have helped you grow? Heal some part of yourself? Learn about an open wound?

    Is the story you’re telling yourself blocking love from entering your life again?

    10. Let go of fear.

    The way to let go of fear is to recognize and embrace it.

    How is fear holding you back? Is it keeping you stuck from living the life you want or the love you desire?

    Call fear out for what it is. What is the worst that can happen if this fear came true? How likely is it that this fear will come true? Have you overcome fears like this in your past?

    When you confront fear and acknowledge it for what it is, you can have an honest conversation with fear.

    Ultimately, a partner is a mirror and guide to help you complete the journey to your truest self. Even if you break up with them, they can be a conduit to healing and being made whole.

    Let go of your blocks keeping you from experiencing joy. Let go and choose love again.

    Couple with flashlight hearts image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Worrying About What Other People Think and Be Yourself

    Stop Worrying About What Other People Think and Be Yourself

    Be Yourself

    “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.” ~Oscar Wilde

    Confession: I’m a master wallflower.

    In high school, a friend and I decided to skip our dreary computer class and roam the halls instead. The following day, our crabby teacher immediately reprimanded my friend for skipping class. I sat directly next to her, giggling and rubbing it in her face.

    The teacher didn’t even know my name, let alone that I had skipped his class the previous day. I rejoiced in my anonymity thinking, “It pays to be unknown.”

    To an extent, it was true. My friend was so disruptive and chatty that she couldn’t avoid trouble if her life depended on it. However, I didn’t just get away with things; I missed out on things.

    You can’t float through life anonymously. If you try, you’ll simply be dubbed as whatever people assume you are. (Spoiler alert: It’s usually inaccurate.) Sometimes you just have to be an active participant instead of an idle observer.

    The problem for me was that my needs always felt too obscure and alternative to everyone else’s.

    I attended a school where the teachers were keen on force-feeding us religious beliefs, which went against my need for tolerance and openmindedness. Thus I began to feel defensive expressing myself, assuming I’d be met with blank stares or opposition.

    Stop Tiptoeing

    You’d be hard-pressed to find a self-improvement resource without an encouraging reminder to “be yourself.” Why is that such a common struggle? What affects us so pervasively as we age, that remaining our “true selves” becomes a cryptic chore?

    Other people. We become more and more aware of other people: what they expect, what they want, what they think.

    Before you know it, that incredibly simple act of “being oneself” suddenly becomes a muddled minefield, where each person’s opinion of you is a potential explosion.

    So, it’s best to just tiptoe around, right?

    Not really. Being closed off is unsustainable, ineffective, and quite frankly, exhausting. It leaves you with a surplus of protection, but very little fulfillment and growth.

    Consider this liberating fact: You’re allowed to need things. You don’t have to apologize. It’s an obvious but effective reminder if you find yourself neglecting your needs.

    Some people only realize this after decades of failed tiptoeing, and sadly, some never realize it at all. But what does being yourself have to do with your needs? From my experience, when you don’t unveil your authentic self, you don’t get what you need.

    While others will occasionally know what’s best for us before we do, we’re often far more capable of deciding what we need. No matter how intelligent or well intentioned someone is, they may not understand what’s best for you.

    Assessing Your Needs

    Over time, I’ve realized that one of my greatest needs is good communication. When I’m detached and don’t have a solid circle of people to confide in, I get stressed very quickly.

    When our needs are fulfilled, we’re able to be who we are without restraints. Whether emotional or physical, our needs will make themselves known if we pay attention.

    1. Stop right now and think of something that you need and don’t have.

    It can’t be materialistic like a TV or a new purse, but something that the “real” you deeply needs. Maybe you’ve never even admitted it aloud to anyone, for fear they’d reject it or talk you out of it.

    2. Now give yourself complete permission to obtain whatever it is.

    If you’re anything like me, you may feel a peculiar weight being lifted from you—one that should’ve never been there in the first place.

    To assess yourself, just think of the people in your life who have achieved fulfillment. If you have any negative feelings like resentment or envy towards them, you’re probably not getting what you need. Otherwise, wouldn’t you be happy for them?

    Back to the Basics

    It’s hard for us to be our “true” selves because our true selves are innocent and vulnerable. Nowadays, vulnerability is about as fashionable as a fanny pack collection.

    We can edit photos of ourselves in Photoshop or post brief statuses about our lives that give the impression of flawlessness. We reject vulnerability in favor of impressions, making it harder for our authentic selves to emerge.

    As adults, it’s easy to let fear, anger, and sadness fill the hole of our unfulfilled needs. This can throw us off course, causing us to forget the original direction we once had in our youth. Thus, it’s primarily about piecing together the fragments, and as a wise baboon named Rafiki once said, “remembering who you are.”

    Being your authentic self doesn’t require you to add anything new to your life. It only requires you to subtract the things that are harmful, distracting, and unaligned with your goals.

    Your ability to be yourself is proportionate to how well you know yourself. For many of us, it may require a serious assessment and difficult decisions.

    In short, if your only reason for not achieving something is that other people won’t understand, that’s no reason at all. If what you want will help you grow, it’s your right and your responsibility to obtain it.

    Photo by Carlos Pantoja

  • 10 Habits of Unhappy People (And How to Fix Them)

    10 Habits of Unhappy People (And How to Fix Them)

    “Ego says, ‘Once everything falls into place, I’ll feel peace.’ Spirit says, ‘Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place.’” ~Marianne Williamson

    Have you ever felt that something was missing in your life?

    Who am I kidding, everyone has.

    I used to be unhappy. But not just unhappy—miserable.

    I’d look at other people and wonder what they had that I didn’t. I was sick of living my life. And being sick of it was the tipping point that changed it all. It’s what got me moving in the direction of what made my heart sing.

    As I moved forward, I discovered that what was making me miserable wasn’t outside of me, but the habits I had built up over the years.

    I’d like to share with you what those habits were, and how I overcame them.

    1. Waiting for clarity.

    I thought that in order to do what I loved and be happy, I had to know where I was going.

    Turns out that wasn’t. It was just a thought that I believed.

    When I took action despite feeling confused, and simply did my best, I discovered that I could always take one step forward, clarity or no clarity.

    It was like walking in a heavy fog. As long as I kept moving forward, more of my path revealed itself. But if I stood still, nothing would happen.

    Fix: Don’t wait for clarity. Listen to your heart and take one tiny step forward. It doesn’t have to be perfect.

    2. Seeking permission from others.

    I wanted others to tell me I was on the right track. The more I did this, the emptier I felt inside.

    Why? Because I was giving my power away. Instead of listening to my own guidance system, I was relying on someone else.

    It was confusing and disempowering.

    I’ve never had an easy time trusting life. I worry a lot. But over the years I’ve realized that trusting myself is the only way toward living a fulfilling life.

    Once I stopped trying to seek permission, or figure things out, my inner wisdom grew stronger, because it was no longer clouded by thoughts.

    Fix: Don’t look to someone else for validation for your dreams. Go after what makes you come alive. That’s enough.

    3. Hoping for future salvation.

    Another unhelpful habit I have is living in the future, thinking that reaching my goals will make me happier.

    However, I’ve noticed that once again, this is just a thought that I give power to.

    I’ve also noticed that I’ve reached plenty of goals that I thought would make me happy, but didn’t.

    Like me, you’ve probably heard the following phrase over and over again: “Happiness comes from the inside. It’s available right here, right now.”

    For a long time, I wondered, “That’s all fine and good, but how do I use that in my life?”

    The answer was to witness my thoughts and let them pass by. I don’t have to believe every thought that tells me that the future holds the key to my happiness.

    Once I let those thoughts pass, I noticed that there’s a source of joy within, always available to me.

    Fix: When you find yourself living in the future, just notice what you’re doing. Let go of the tendency and observe what’s going on. This is a practice, so don’t worry if you don’t get it perfect.

    4. Wanting to take big leaps.

    When I get caught up in thinking that the future will save me, I want to take big leaps. I want to hurry to my goal.

    Yet this behavior makes reaching my goal less likely. It introduces sloppiness into my work. It produces an aroma of selfishness.

    But, if I let things take their time, and if I let those thoughts pass, there’s a sense of peace.

    As I write this, I’m not in a hurry. I sense the wanting to finish, but I witness it. I don’t get involved. Then I return my focus to writing and letting the words flow on paper.

    And my soul smiles. My heart nods. My breath deepens.

    I remember: “This is it. This is life.”

    Fix: Big leaps assume that happiness is in the future. Take a deep breath. Notice how much happiness is available right now. No big leaps needed, just a remembering of who you are.

    5. Having faulty expectations.

    For a long time, I believed that I could eliminate negativity from my life.

    But every day does not have to be a happy day.

    Life is sometimes difficult. The problem isn’t the difficulty, but how I relate to it. If I think it shouldn’t be there, I suffer.

    Again, it comes down to my thinking. Life is as it is; my thinking creates my experience of life.

    When I notice my expectations, I can let them be. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel the sting of something I label as bad; it simply means that I don’t have to pour more gasoline on the fire.

    I can’t control life, but I can control how I use my attention.

    I don’t have to change my thoughts; just notice what’s going on and how I’m creating my experience of the present moment.

    Fix: Notice how your expectations make you unhappy. Bring your attention to this moment. Do the best you can with what you have.

    6. Taking your thoughts seriously.

    “You’re not good enough.”

    “You’ll end up homeless if you follow your heart.”

    “What will people think of you?”

    We all have thoughts that freak us out. Yet I have days when I don’t care about those thoughts.

    So what’s different between the good days and the bad days? Simply my state of being. When I feel good, my emotional immune system is more stable.

    I remember that my feelings are simply an indication of how trustworthy my thinking is. When I feel bad, it’s a sign that I need to take my thinking less seriously.

    When I feel good, that’s when I can solve problems. But often I find that problems solve themselves, if I’m willing to get out of the way.

    So what I’m repeating over and over again is the fact that it’s our thinking that makes us unhappy, not our circumstances.

    Fix: Experiment with taking your thinking less seriously for sixty seconds at a time. See what happens and how you feel.

    7. Playing things safe.

    When I push the boundaries of my comfort zone, I tend to get anxious, afraid, and worried.

    But after a while the discomfort becomes comfortable. It becomes familiar.

    What changed? My thinking.

    When I let anxious thoughts pass, eventually my thinking returns to normal. But if I try to figure things out, I prolong the “healing” process.

    I’ve realized that to be fulfilled in life, I have to grow and challenge myself. To do that, I need to step outside my comfort zone. I have to stop playing things safe.

    There are no guarantees in this world.

    All I can do is follow my heart and be aware of my thinking. That’s it. I’ll have scary thoughts, but that’s okay. I can still take one tiny step forward.

    Fix: Become aware of the fact that being outside of your comfort zone is simply believing a different set of thoughts. You can always listen to your heart, and take the next step.

    8. Focusing on lack.

    I can have wonderful relationships, do work I love, and have life go swimmingly.

    But if one thing goes wrong, and I focus on it, I make myself miserable.

    And the thing about life is that there will always be something “wrong.”

    The key to happiness isn’t to get rid of your problems, but to learn to live with them. To notice how your thinking gets you in trouble.

    This doesn’t mean I neglect problems. It means that I don’t stress over them. I solve them as well as I can, but I don’t try to force solutions.

    I’ve noticed that when I stop thinking, I allow my inner wisdom to help me. I often get solutions to problems when I’m not thinking, such as when I’m on a walk, washing dishes, meditating, or in the shower.

    I do my best and then I let go.

    Fix: Notice your tendency to focus on the thoughts that tell you something is wrong. Rest your attention in the witness of those thoughts. You are not them. You can observe them, and breathe.

    9. Resisting obstacles.

    For years, I ran away from challenges because I saw them as obstacles to getting what I want.

    And I thought getting what I wanted would make me happy.

    But then something changed: I saw that these obstacles weren’t obstacles, but stepping stones helping me follow my calling.

    Instead of remaining in the habit of resisting obstacles, I get curious. I ask myself: What can I learn from this?

    Everything seems to have a purpose.

    The more I surrender to life, the more powerful I become. And to me, this surrender simply means not trying to figure everything out, or trying to control life.

    Fix: Don’t fight life. Embrace life. Become curious about the problems in your life. Don’t rush to fix them. Let them be for a while and notice the results.

    10. Neglecting your calling.

    Perhaps the biggest obstacle to happiness is neglecting your calling.

    When I neglect my heart, my purpose, my inner wisdom, I become miserable.

    And the way I neglect my calling is through thinking too much. Thinking that something is wrong, or that I’m on the wrong track.

    When I notice this mental habit, I let it be, and I take a deep breath.

    To follow my calling, I have to let go of what I think my path looks like.

    I can’t figure out where my life is going, I can only live it one moment at a time. That’s scary to my mind, but that’s okay. I can let thoughts pass, and I can rest my attention in my heart.

    Fix: Let go of what you think your life should be, and let it become what it was meant to be. Live life one moment at a time. It’s all you can do anyway.

    —

    Happiness is not something you get, but something you are. What’s stopping you from being happy is taking your thoughts too seriously.

    You have wisdom within you, waiting to guide you. All you have to do is let go and observe how you stop yourself from accessing it.

    It’s not easy. It’s a practice. Sometimes it takes time.

    But notice that even the rush to get it right is a thought. Let it be.

    Do your best.

    Follow your heart.

    And remember to breathe.

  • The One Thing You Need to Change If You Want to Accept Yourself

    The One Thing You Need to Change If You Want to Accept Yourself

    “Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” ~Unknown

    I quit Weight Watchers this week and I have never felt happier.

    To be clear, quitting this weight loss program was not an act of defeat, nor was it an example of me running away from something difficult or painful. Cutting ties with Weight Watchers was truly an acceptance of self.

    A couple of weeks ago I had a heart-to-heart conversation with a friend. I was feeling really down, and I confided to him that not only do I lack self-confidence in nearly everything I do, I also seem to not like myself very much at all.

    A voice in my head pretty regularly reminds me that I am not smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, or anything enough in this life, so why bother trying.

    As I explained all of this to my dear friend, I noted that I would never treat another human being as badly as I treat myself. I am loving and kind to everyone around me, but inwardly I am a mean bully. As I was saying it out loud, the whole thing seemed kind of ridiculous to me, but I didn’t know how to stop hating myself.

    It was at this point that my friend said something that changed my life; he said, “Take a hard look at the things you think you don’t like about yourself. You have a choice: Either learn to accept them for what they are or change them. It’s that simple.”

    At first his advice infuriated me. How on earth was I supposed to accept my flaws? I have spent thirty-six years perfecting my self-loathing; it seemed impossible to undo all of that hard work.

    Turns out, it was easier than I thought it would be. After I got over the initial angry response to my friend’s advice, I started soul searching. I made a mental list of the things I have disliked about myself for nearly my whole life and examined each one, starting with the issue that has caused the most distress for me: my weight and body image.

    For as long as I can remember, weight and body image have been an issue for me. I remember weighing-in in gym class in middle school and noting that I was not as small as some of the other girls in my class, but I also was not as big as some of the others either.

    Truthfully, I have always fallen somewhere in the middle and would be considered average, but in my head I was never the right size or shape; I always wanted to be thinner, sleeker, and more toned.

    Since my early twenties I have been struggling with weight loss; I would join weight loss programs or get into exercise routines with really high expectations: “This time I am going to lose thirty pounds and look like a super model!”

    Inevitably, I would fail each time. I realize now this is not because I am a complete failure; it’s good to have goals, but I was setting my expectations impossibly high. I was aiming to drop three dress sizes when I should have been aiming to just be healthier.

    Alone in my bathroom, I stripped off all of my clothes. I stood naked before the mirror and looked at myself. I mean, really looked at myself. I wanted to see my body and acknowledge what I didn’t like. I felt that by doing this I could see the real me and finally accept who I am, flaws and all.

    Here’s what I saw: My body is not perfect, but it is certainly not bad, either.

    Regardless of its flaws, my body has withstood many challenges: I gave birth to two children, I ran a half marathon, and I can rock the thirty-minute circuit at the gym like nobody’s business. I also have some pretty cool tattoos, and even though I am no super model, I actually think I look good naked.

    When I thought about it, I realized my body was actually pretty awesome.

    It was then and there that I decided I needed to take my friend’s advice: accept my body for what it is. Sure, it would be cool to have rock hard abs or to look like a girl on the cover of a fashion magazine, but by comparing my body to some ideal, I am overlooking what is truly great about me.

    And so I quit my weight loss program, and as soon as I did, I felt amazing. No more feeling guilty about what I did or did not eat that day, no more hating myself on weigh-in day (no more weighing myself, period!), and no more telling myself I am not thin enough.

    I will still make strides to be healthy (regular exercise, healthy portions, fruits and veggies), but now it is just to be healthy, not to lose thirty pounds or look like a super model.

    My experience in truly facing my insecurities and consciously deciding to accept myself, my whole self, and nothing but myself, was truly enlightening; and it was freeing.

    I challenge you to do the same. You don’t have to literally get naked, but definitely do so metaphorically. Strip away your impossible expectations and look at the amazing person you really are.

    The next time the mean bully in your head tells you that you aren’t smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough, or thin enough, challenge what you are hearing. Change your story. Instead of comparing your “behind the scenes” with everyone else’s “highlight reel,” yell back at the bully and tell him or her you are awesome because you are you.

    It doesn’t matter what size you are; you are still worth loving, so be kind to yourself and start accepting your little imperfections. You might find that once you begin accepting those things you think you dislike about yourself, those flaws are actually pretty great. And you are pretty great, too.

  • Releasing Pressure and Expectations to Make Room for Life

    Releasing Pressure and Expectations to Make Room for Life

    Free

    “For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them.” ~Thích Nhat Hạnh

    My husband and I bought our first house two years ago. Expecting a child and excited to move on to the next stage in our lives, we listed all of the ways we would make the house perfect.

    As first-time homeowners and parents, we assumed this list was manageable. Surely the house could be painted in a weekend! Of course we can get work done while the baby naps!

    Indeed, it seemed manageable and, therefore, (to me) mandatory.

    To kick off the home improvements, we tested a few new paint colors on the wall in the hallway, and they are still there today. For two years I looked at that paint and reminded myself of what I didn’t accomplish. What were once radiant, bold, and playful colors had become glaring, critical, and mocking.

    It can be easy for our expectations to get the better of us. What may have begun as aspirations transform into laws that must be followed precisely. Who we are and how we live are suddenly not enough.  

    Our internal critic bombards us with well-rehearsed and compelling judgments and criticism. Expectations and judgments masquerade as the truth and influence our emotions and our actions. It can be difficult to detect when our expectations don’t really match reality.

    Upon reflection today, it’s clear to me that we had no idea what we were in for when we made that list two years ago; yet, these expectations had become non-negotiable. Where was the room for living in these expectations?

    Discrepancy between our expectations and reality can be uncomfortable. We may blame ourselves and tighten our grip on our expectations. We believe that it is only once they are met that we can let go and be happy.

    It is also tempting to place blame on another person or our circumstances. Again, we believe that if only he/she/it/this would change, we could let go and be happy.

    The trick in all of this is that there will always be new expectations to be met preventing us from letting go and truly embracing our lives.

    While I struggled with this discrepancy between what should be and what really is, my daughter smiled at the paint on the wall. She doesn’t know what we were “supposed to” finish. She doesn’t know how a wall “should” be.

    My moment of clarity came when she looked up at the wall and triumphantly stated, “Green! Red! Purple!”

    I asked myself then how the same paint on the wall could hold such a different meaning to me. If the walls were painted, what would really be different? Not only that, but what did this unfinished wall make possible and what had I been missing all this time?

    I realized then that the wall more accurately reflects the richness of my life than it does any shortcoming of mine. This wall reflects dancing in the living room and weekends at the park, not failure as a person. I was inspired then to frame the paint on the wall rather than wish it were gone.

    It was both liberating and humbling to acknowledge that this isn’t about the paint on the wall at all. This is about me. It is not the paint that needs to be changed, but what I see when I look at it.

    We can be easily persuaded by the false promises that control and perfection make. We can forget that perfection will never be achieved, and we mistakenly believe that this means we are not enough.

    We might even believe that our self-talk, as negative as it may be, is reality. When thinking errors overshadow the good that is within our lives, it can seem that life must always be something else.

    To find release from the emotional toll of the “shoulds” and “good enoughs,” we focus on what must be different: ourselves, a loved one, a stranger, circumstances, or that irksome wall.

    Why is this so hard to change? Change often brings with it the fear of the unknown. Change is not certain.

    However, when we can change this, not only do our expectations change, but so do our happiness, contentment, and gratitude for what is. We are more likely to fully see things as they are when we can detach ourselves from unyielding expectations.

    We are free to live when we make room for life.

    To begin to see your “wall” through different eyes:

    1. Remind yourself that you are enough.

    It isn’t even necessary to be good enough. You are simply enough.

    We might need to remind ourselves of this often. After all, that inner critic has had a lifetime to develop.

    2. Slow down and take notice of your self-talk.

    What has your inner critic convinced you of? Explore this question with curiosity, not judgment or criticism.

    When we can do this with non-judgmental curiosity, we are able to see with clarity and compassion. We can begin to identify those things we tell ourselves that just make us feel worse and don’t change anything anyway. We can reduce our suffering, even in a naturally painful situation.

    3. Reevaluate your expectations.

    Have you made room for life? Do you have new information now that you didn’t have before? Are these expectations compatible with your priorities?

    When we can make our expectations more fluid, we have the freedom to live in the present moment, and enjoy it. We are free to decide what our life is about, and we are free to change our minds about this at any time.

    4. Get at the underlying fear.

    What are you really afraid of these “walls” revealing? Are these fears accurate?

    Quite often, our fears take the form of “what if” and “what this says about me.” Even when there appears to be a kernel of truth behind the fear (after all, it was true that I hadn’t painted that wall), there is more to the story. The belief that we are unworthy, irresponsible, weak, unlovable imposters is simply a fear, not a fact.

    5. Consider how this “wall” might be described in your biography.

    What is the whole story? How boring would the biography be if it were just about a wall?

    Perhaps we are focused on the small, inconsequential details of life. Perhaps we take our lives for granted. Intentionally taking a step back and really looking is how we get to appreciate the fullness of life.

    Although taking these steps requires the conscious effort to make a change, the result is far more rewarding than a newly painted wall could ever be.

    Photo by Graham

  • Finding a Path When You Feel Like Two Different People

    Finding a Path When You Feel Like Two Different People

    Yin Yang

    “By accepting yourself and being fully what you are, your presence can make others happy.” ~Jane Roberts

    When I was a little girl, I played a lot of imaginary games and spent a lot of time on my own. I wasn’t particularly popular. I was a complete goodie-two-shoes.

    I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. When people asked me, sometimes I said a vet, sometimes an interior designer, sometimes just to work for my parents who have a fruit importing business. Truth is, I had no idea.

    Why do people think a child would know? Sure, you can know things you like doing, but know what you want to do for a living? That’s a tall order for many adults to answer definitively.

    So, I grew up. I finished school. I got my bachelors degree. I joined the family business. I did everything that was expected of me.

    Here’s the thing about doing what’s expected of you: having those expectations means you don’t really get to figure out what you want to do.

    I started doing yoga in university and during that time started to explore a more spiritual side of myself that I’d not really touched on before. I realized I loved helping people and being in nature. I loved the peace I felt at the end of my yoga classes and I loved listening to people’s problems. Turns out I was pretty good at asking the sort of questions which got them answers too.

    But none of that mattered, because I had a ‘proper’ job. I left the family business and moved to London with my boyfriend at the time to develop my career. I was fast-tracked up the ladder and got to senior management within eighteen months. Everyone was so proud of me. I was proud of me. I’d worked my butt off and I was great at my job.

    The only thing: I felt like I was being torn in two.

    The person I was at work was completely different to my online persona and the one I was at home—the one who counseled people and had studied part time for her diplomas in yoga, hypnotherapy, and counseling.

    At work I was professional and logical, with an eye for detail and seeing the bigger picture. I made tough decisions and managed teams of people with grace and business acumen. (Way to blow your own trumpet, hey?!)

    At home and in my ‘other’ life I was a caring, nurturing, slightly under-confident hippy who loved helping people, standing on my head, and laughing with friends.

    For quite a few years I tried to hide my hippy-self from work and my corporate-self from home and yoga and therapy self, but ultimately, I always felt like I was half a person. I was never quite being myself. Whatever ‘myself’ was.

    There were various times when I thought I had to do one or the other; when I had decided I was going to leave the corporate world and be hippy-me full time, but that never really materialized.

    Funnily enough, the idea of giving up yoga and therapy and concentrating fully on my corporate persona was never an option. I guess I’m more hippy than corporate and, ultimately, I needed hippy instinct to survive the corporate world.

    Why am I telling you about my dalliances with trying to separate my two personas? Because there has to be a balance. For whatever reason, the universe was not ready for me to let my corporate life go.

    A few weeks ago, fresh off the plane from an Ayurvedic and yoga retreat in India and spending time with my family in rural Wales, I eventually summoned the courage to tell my director I wanted to leave. I had to follow my heart, I told her. I want to be closer to my family, I told her. I’m a country girl at heart, I told her.

    Then, she told me something. She said, “People think you can’t have the best of both worlds, but you can.”

    Then she offered me the option of working part time. It was something I’d never really looked at seriously. I hadn’t even considered that I could meld my two personalities and it would be enough for either.

    I’d always felt torn, feeling one was fake and one was real. I never even considered the possibility that my two sides could compliment and help each other; that they could make each other whole.

    I don’t know how my dual roles will work—now I am working part time in a corporate job and part time as a therapist—but I do know that, instead of fighting with myself, I have learned to accept both sides of myself.

    It’s not a terrible thing that I am logical and professional and can work well in a pressurized environment. It doesn’t mean I’ve sold out of my hippy roots. Nor is it a bad thing I believe in energy healing and the power of meditation.

    All sides of my personality are valid. They make me who I am. They will always influence the other parts of me. I am whole. Denying one part would be to lose a part of myself.

    So if you feel like you’ve got two different personas fighting for attention, with one invariably being left in the dark, perhaps try to shift your perspective from them being opposing to complementary. There may be cross-overs you haven’t noticed before which might make things seem a little less black and white or all or nothing.

    Photo by _UNPLUGGED_

  • Things Will Never Be Perfect: Making Peace with Everyday Challenges

    Things Will Never Be Perfect: Making Peace with Everyday Challenges

    Meditating in the Street

    “Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” ~Unknown

    A few weeks ago, I walked into my studio apartment and found it quite messy, which isn’t that hard to do with 325 square feet shared by a couple.

    I’m talking clothes on the floor, dishes on the couch, and paper strewn everywhere. It had been one of those weeks where both my husband and I were ripping and running, having little to no time to manage household chores.

    I looked around, took a deep breath, and sat down on the couch after moving some papers. I enjoyed some dinner with my husband and then went to bed. I got up the next morning feeling rested and cleaned the apartment joyfully and pretty quickly with him.

    Why am I telling you this? You see, a few months prior I would have stressed out and felt totally guilty about the house being so junky. I would have gone into an entire inner dialogue about how I wasn’t organized enough and how I couldn’t keep things together.

    This would have led me into a cleaning frenzy for the rest of the night and I would have went to bed feeling tired and depleted, waking up the next morning in an exhaustive funk.

    In that moment of first opening the door, I learned to fully accept and be at peace with what was actually happening rather than beat myself up with lofty expectations of what I had wanted to happen.

    It was a subtle yet important shift in my life. I walked in and rather than feeling bad about the mess, I simply acknowledged that the apartment was in disarray.

    Yes, there were clothes strewn on the floor. Yes, I had been working many hours and didn’t have the time to do laundry. I also acknowledged that “messy” was a relative term, and I realized that I felt a bit of shame about having a messy place because of strict rules that I grew up with when I was younger.

    I accepted the fact that the apartment was messy and that it was okay to not do anything at the very moment to tidy up. It was so simple, just a few moments, but I suddenly felt myself breathing easier as a result and sleeping a lot easier without the worry or the inner critics coming out to play.

    Sometimes I think we have to learn how to accept what is so that we can find peace of mind no matter what kind of day we are having or what type of circumstance we encounter.

    Peace is available to us all of the time, even when life seems to be out of our control. It may not feel like it, but beyond chaos is serenity, if we only accept it. Solutions to our problems are also clearer when we move into this place of peace.

    When feeling a bit stressed out about high expectations, gently remind yourself to do the following:

    Acknowledge what is here. Simply notice for a few seconds what you are feeling, experiencing, seeing, and hearing without any judgment. Also, notice if any judgment is coming from you or other people in your life.

    Accept that situation fully as it is. No shame. No guilt. Just acceptance and lots of deep breaths.

    Be open to the inner wisdom that you possess. There may not be an immediate solution and that is totally fine. Sometimes I think a good pause is just what we need before we take a next step.

    You are enough just as you are. It is a beautiful thing to accept the fullness of your human experience rather than wishing it was anything different.

    There will always be homes to clean, items on the to do list, obligations to fulfill, inboxes to clear, and schedules to make. In the midst of all that, there will always be peace and joy available to us if we simply notice.

    May you find ultimate serenity as you let go of expectations and root into full acceptance of yourself and your life experiences.

    Photo by Nickolai Kashirin

  • How to Release Disappointment and Thrive When Life Isn’t Fair

    How to Release Disappointment and Thrive When Life Isn’t Fair

    “When you learn to accept instead of expect, you’ll have fewer disappointments.” ~Unknown

    At thirty-six weeks pregnant, I was in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, screaming with pain. It was excruciating, the worst pain I had ever experienced, and I had experienced lots.

    As the ambulance officer supported me out the front door and into the back of the ambulance, all I could think was, “How is this going to affect my baby?”

    After two ambulances, two hospitals, and a barrage of tests, I was sitting on the hospital bed, absolutely exhausted—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

    My thoughts started to go down the same well-worn path: “Why me? Why do I have to deal with this? Life isn’t supposed to be like this. It isn’t fair!”

    It had been a common theme for me. I knew how life was supposed to turn out, and mine wasn’t it! It seemed like I had challenges to deal with that others didn’t have—that my lot was harder.

    I felt like all my energy and potential was being sucked up in dealing with adverse circumstances, leaving me no resources to do the things I really wanted to do in life.

    For the last twenty-three years, I had battled Crohn’s disease, a debilitating and incurable illness that had resulted in increasing pain, illness, and limitation—until then. Four weeks before the birth of my second child, I had ended up in hospital with massive pain.

    My doctors didn’t know how to deal with a woman having a Crohn’s flare up who was also pregnant and wanted to induce labor to deliver the baby prematurely. I was faced with making choices about medical treatments that could have serious impacts on me and my unborn child.

    As I sat there, I could feel the familiar frustration, dissatisfaction, and discontentment flooding over me.

    And in that unlikely place, I had an epiphany.

    Life is not the problem; expectations are.

    I finally realized, looking back at my life, that every time I’d struggled to deal with the hand I’d been dealt, it was because my expectations were clashing with reality. I had created a picture in my head of how life should be, and when things didn’t turn out, I didn’t cope.

    It wasn’t life that was the problem; it was my unrealistic expectations. I had thought that being idealistic and striving for a goal was a good thing, but it wasn’t leading to a contented and fulfilled life.

    If you are feeling hardly done by and frustrated about your circumstances, ask yourself if there is a mismatch between the reality of your situation and what you expected. If there is, you have inadvertently set yourself up for frustration, disappointment, and even anger.

    While these emotions are natural when we experience adversity, they are not helpful to live with long term.

    The only way to resolve them is to face up to the situation you are actually in and accept it. This does not mean we should not have any expectations, but if we want to be content, we need to accept what is during hard times while trusting for something better in the future.

    Instead of trying to change the world, change your focus.

    While I was in the hospital, I talked to other mothers who had been there for the whole of their pregnancy or whose babies would need surgery as soon as they were born. It made me realize that while I was in a hard place, things could have been so much worse.

    I realized that I was only seeing one side of my life. I was very good at seeing what was not there (that I thought should have been) but was ignoring what was there that was good.

    In thinking about my illness, I was focusing on the pain and how it was stopping me from earning an income, and how my energy was limited, and how the whole situation was negatively affecting my family.

    But I wasn’t embracing and being grateful for how other people, particularly my husband, cared for me, how I was growing in wisdom and compassion, and how the experience was teaching me more about myself.

    If you seem to be coping with more than your fair share of frustration and disappointment, check your focus for a minute. Are you only seeing the gaps, where reality isn’t meeting your expectations, or are you also acknowledging the good that is coming your way?

    It may be helpful to create a list with two columns where you can explore what you are feeling about your circumstances.

    On the right side, write down where your expectations aren’t aligning with reality: where the gaps are, what sucks, and what you think shouldn’t be happening.

    On the other side, write down what is positive: where the divine is in the situation and what is great about this. This is not about being falsely positive. This is about finding the moments of genuine joy and connection in the midst of pain.

    Pay attention to how you feel when making each list. Having refocused the situation for yourself, you can now choose which emotions to take into the future about that experience.

    The great thing about this exercise is that it frees you from striving to change the world to match your own expectations. Instead, all you need to feel happier is a little shift in your focus.

    Embrace the pain and then take control.

    I learned that I needed to embrace the whole experience, both the good parts and the gaps, and that gave me the ability to choose a more empowering set of beliefs and meaning for what was happening to me. This in turn helped me discover new possibilities that I couldn’t see before.

    Having refocused myself, I was able to sort through a lot of complex information and options regarding medical treatment, define what outcomes I wanted, and make a constructive action plan that put me in charge of my health.

    And the end result? That time round, beginning with circumstances that weren’t promising at all, I got all the outcomes I wanted, including a healthy baby and a natural birth.

    The irony about accepting the situations we find ourselves in is that once we have, we are able to make decisions and take action that moves us toward the place we truly want to be. We stop feeling like a victim of circumstance and more like the captain of our own ship.

    That doesn’t mean that we will get what we want every time. Life doesn’t work like that. However, coming to a place of acceptance gives us the strength and peace to deal with whatever outcome we receive, whether desired or not, and the ability to move forward rather than getting stuck in adversity.

    Empowering questions we can ask ourselves include:

    • What outcomes do I want? Write down every result that is important to you in the situation.
    • What beliefs can I choose that will support me right now? Give yourself an empowering set of beliefs that help you feel hopeful in the situation.
    • What action can I take? Outline actions you can take today, this week, and in the next month that will move you toward your outcomes.

    You can soar above adversity.

    These days, I still have Crohn’s disease but have largely given up my unrealistic expectations, and not living with that frustration has taken a lot of stress away from my life. I am in better health than I have been for years and achieving more.

    It took a while for me to let go of my idealism and find the good in adversity, but by practicing it over a number of years, I have gotten better at it.

    We all live with circumstances that are not ideal. Life is too short to live in frustration that things are not the way we want them to be.

    Why you? Because there are important jewels you can discover in the midst of adversity that will reward you for the rest of your life. You are strong enough to embrace reality and perform the alchemy that will transform frustration into contentment and positive outcomes.

    We’re all here rooting for you.

    Go and make it happen.

  • Dealing with Disappointing Relationships: Change Your Expectations

    Dealing with Disappointing Relationships: Change Your Expectations

    Disappointed

    “If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective.” ~Unknown

    Sometimes it feels as if you are completely in control of your life, but when it comes to relationships there’s always the other person.

    In a relationship, you can’t be the puppeteer. People have their own emotions, behaviors, actions, beliefs, scars, wounds, fears, dreams, and perspectives. They are their own person.

    How often have you wanted a relationship to be something that it was not?

    How many times have you said a certain word or phrase in order to spark a specific reaction?

    How much do you expect from this person? Do they fail you each and every time?

    In healthy relationships there are certain expectations, like being treated well or being respected. Yet sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that don’t mirror what we anticipate to happen. We may feel hurt or used.

    We cannot expect other people to treat us as we would treat them. We cannot assume anything or force change upon someone who clearly demonstrates he or she is stuck in his or her own way.

    With eyes full of clarity, I am capable of changing the relationships in my life by adjusting my point of view.

    I call my father a sperm donor. He gave me life but never showed up in my life.

    My friends at school never knew I had a father because they never saw him. He missed all of the concerts and sports games. For the majority of my life, we didn’t talk. He didn’t acknowledge me—no birthday calls. I had no idea where my dad lived. Some days I was not sure he was still alive.

    In high school, my dad limped back into my life. I could stop by his apartment and visit him when I wanted to. If I called him, he would pick up the phone. Things were changing between us.

    Blindingly bright, his true colors revealed themselves the night before my high school graduation when I called to make sure he was coming. He said he couldn’t attend because he had to drive a friend to the airport. Cabs exist. His friend could have used one. I was angry, sad, and most of all, hurt.

    Rejection from my father has been the hardest thing for me to accept. It is not easy to grasp the idea that someone who once loved me, adored me, gave life to me could turn his back and walk away so easily.

    I could no longer take the feelings of disappointment.

    These feelings were a direct result of what I was expecting from him:

    • Assuming he would respond to things as I would.
    • Assuming he would care like I do.
    • Assuming he thinks in a similar way as I do.

    I was living in a fantasyland of my hopes, dreams, ideas, beliefs, expectations, and assumptions.

    I was hurting myself most.

    For the protection of my emotional body, I changed my perception from what I hoped would happen to being open to experience whatever actually happens.

    This shift didn’t occur immediately, but by following the five steps listed below I was able to come to peace with the type of relationship I have with my father.

    1. Be aware of reality.

    Acknowledge the other person’s behaviors. Look at patterns and how they regularly treat you. Remember the feelings you had in the past. Don’t be fooled into believing things are different from how they are.

    2. Stop manipulating situations.

    Many times we yearn for specific responses, like validation and approval. When we do not receive what we want, we may speak or behave in certain ways to try to elicit the desired reaction.

    This type of behavior leaves us feeling empty when the other person does not react the way we hope they would. Remember, you cannot change anyone; it is up to them to change.

    3. Let go.

    Throw expectations and assumptions out the door. Release the hopes, wishes, and dreams that things will change by detaching from the ideas.

    Get out of the fantasy world by not hooking into the thoughts of what could be. Keep your mind from running into the future. Remain open to all possibilities by staying in the present moment.

    4. Focus on those who love you.

    It will be easier to follow the third step if you remind yourself of those who are there for you. They continue to be there because they care about you. Focus on people who make you feel loved, connected, cared for, and worthy. Reach out to them and reconnect.

    5. Learn to love yourself.

    Provide yourself with what you are yearning for (compliments, compassion, or encouragement). Only you know what you truly need.

    Realize each moment you are being the best you at that time. Build self-confidence and strive to eliminate any doubts you have about yourself. When you feel shaky or alone, look in your eyes in the mirror and say, “I love you.” Nurture yourself. Feel the love you have inside of yourself.

    Let go of your expectations of people and see how your relationships change. And if you don’t feel differently about it or if it’s not benefiting you, you can always walk away. Your emotional state matters most. You cannot control other people, but you can make yourself happy.

    Photo by Don

  • When Things Don’t Go As Planned: Transform Disappointment into Action

    When Things Don’t Go As Planned: Transform Disappointment into Action

    Deep Thought

    “A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.” ~James Joyce

    I’ve had a bit of experience with disappointment. I got very motivated to change my relationship with it when I was in my twenties and starting my acupuncture practice.

    I knew it would take time to build my client base; what I didn’t realize, or more likely was in denial about, was that a very effective way of doing that was by arranging public speaking gigs. I absolutely hated public speaking. Big disappointment.

    I also didn’t consider how much work running a business really was. I had to talk to supplement vendors, deal with the landlord, make sure the copy machine was working, learn new computer programs, do the laundry, and on and on.

    I wanted to do acupuncture! I didn’t want to vacuum the floors and call about the errors on the phone bill! I realized pretty quickly I had to learn how to reassess my feelings of disappointment or I wouldn’t have the gumption and energy to continue on my quest.

    Having the tenacity to overcome disappointment is a necessary skill. Some disappointing experiences are unavoidable. Sometimes that engaging person we meet at the coffee shop doesn’t call, or the job we were a great fit for is offered to someone else.

    These things happen, and generally we can roll with it.

    However, with larger scale disappointments, or recurring disappointments, it’s great to have a strategy to transform that “down” feeling into motivated action.

    When we feel disappointed, it’s easy for us to slow down, to say, “Why bother?” and to allow ourselves to get knocked off our trajectory. The following steps can help shift our viewpoint and revamp those feelings into action.

    1. Explore your original expectations surrounding the goal.

    If there is disappointment, then there was expectation. So what was our initial expectation? The answer to this is sometimes surprising…

    Once that’s fleshed out, we can ask ourselves, was this expectation realistic? Was it well thought out? What was motivating the desired outcome to begin with? Did we do the steps that one might reasonably expect to do to experience this desired outcome?

    These can be hard questions. At times we’ll find our expectations are very reasonable. Other times, not so much. It can be tough to break down our desires, which are largely driven by emotions, in this logical manner.

    However, it’s a great practice that can help us to explore our expectations more deeply. It helped me to recognize that my initial expectations about having my own business were idealistic vs. real world.

    2. Make a decision.

    Armed with the information we’ve gathered from the previous set of explorations, it’s time to decide how we want to proceed.

    Our decision will fall into one of three categories:

    We can continue on in the same vein after the desired outcome.

    This would be a great route if we’ve decided that while, yes, it was disappointing that our favorite boutique doesn’t want to carry our new jewelry line, there are other cool shops in town we can approach as well.

    We can change the route we will take to reach the desired outcome.

    This can be the most complicated decision, depending on the outcome. We may realize we don’t have the training required to get the job we’d like, hence it being offered to someone else.

    We still want the job, so it may be time to look into continuing education or an unpaid internship to gain more experience. The outcome will remain the same, there’s just a bit of recalculating required to get there.

    We can change the desired outcome altogether.

    This is not about experiencing defeat or throwing in the towel. Rather, sometimes this type of deeper exploration will help us to further refine what our desires are.

    For example, I have a friend who wanted to go back to school for a degree in childhood education. After applying to several programs and being turned down, despite a great application and transcripts, her disappointment was pretty evident.

    I suggested these steps to her, and through personal question-asking she came to realize she didn’t want to go back to school at all. The key was that she wanted to work with children, so she decided to change the focus of her current profession, physical therapy, so that she specialized in working with kids.

    3. Install some new expectations.

    While the second step may have seemed like the last, don’t skip this third one!

    Regardless of which of the three types of decision we make, we want to make sure we toss out the old expectations and replace them with new, updated, and perhaps more informed (or more realistic) versions.

    If we have never jogged for exercise but want to start, setting a goal to run a 5k in six months time is more prudent then planning on a marathon. Making dinner for a friend when we are first learning to cook is more sensible then attempting a five-course dinner for 12.

    Keeping our incremental goals levelheaded while we dream big is a great way to reach those dreams.

    It’s common for successful people to describe their journey as a long series of minor and major obstacles, infused with a few glorious moments of achievement. Their ability to withstand disappointment, reassess their route, and continue on their road is an incredibly important part of their success.

    What disappointments have you overcome in your life and how did you grow from them?

    Photo by Shayan USA

  • A Simple but Powerful Way to Kick the Worry Habit

    A Simple but Powerful Way to Kick the Worry Habit

    “Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.” ~Swedish proverb

    I’m a worrier by nature, and I come by it honestly.

    My mother was afraid to cross bridges and ride in elevators, boats, and airplanes. Her mother died of cancer at the age of forty, and my mother spent many years—including those of my childhood—thinking every sniffle, fever, or headache might be the start of something fatal.

    Although I didn’t realize it at the time, growing up with a steady dose of anxiety, like an invisible intravenous drip, had its effect on my developing mind.

    I was an introverted, timid child. Afraid of the boys who threw snowballs, afraid of steep ski trails, afraid of not getting A’s in every subject, all the time. A lot of my anxiety got channeled into perfectionism, and—just like my mother—trying to control pretty much everything.

    The gift in my anxiety was a distinct drive to find peace. That quest led me to meditation at the tender age of nineteen.

    That was more than forty years ago. I was young and naïve and really had no idea what I was doing (the belief that I could banish worry forever being just one indication of my naiveté). But I persisted—and when I lost the thread of practice, I always eventually came back to it.

    Here’s one thing I’ve learned in forty-some years of meditation and awareness practice: There is a great deal that I’m not aware of. Still.

    That could be discouraging, and sometimes it is. But what keeps me on this path, what keeps me meditating and working to bring the light of mindful attention to the dark places in my mind and life, are the new awarenesses, the small victories I feel in moments when something that was unseen is all at once seen.

    There is a thrill in that, not perhaps like the thrill of speeding down a black diamond trail or any of those other physical challenges I’ve always been afraid of, but a thrill just the same.

    One day, not too long ago, I was driving to a train station to leave my car in a long-term lot while I visited New York for a few days. I had never been to this lot and as I drove, I was feeling the pressure of needing to find the lot, find a spot, and not miss the train.

    That feeling of pressure isn’t unusual when I have a deadline such as a train to catch. But this time, for some reason, I became more acutely aware of a subtle layer of physical and emotional tension.

    Just as I often do on the meditation cushion, I began to bring the feeling of tension more fully into awareness and to investigate it as I was driving. Here’s what I saw:

    1. I was facing an unknown (inconsequential as it was), which triggered anxiety because the unknown is impossible to control.

    2. My feelings were telling me a lie—that is, that this unknown situation had life-or-death consequences.

    And most importantly:

    3. How I was relating to the unknown of not being sure about where to park and how long it would take, this is how I relate to all unknowns in my life, large and small. That is, I approach the unknown with an underlying assumption that was completely unconscious until that moment: “It won’t work out.”

    Because I had become aware of it, I was able to question the assumption. I remembered Pema Chodron’s description of a traditional Tibetan Buddhist teaching, from Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living: “train in the three difficulties.”*

    The first “difficulty” is to see your unhelpful patterns of thought and behavior. The second is to “do something different.” The third is to continue doing that different thing.

    So, I asked myself, “What if I tried something different, and assumed it most likely would work out?” (That is, I would find the lot, be able to find a parking spot, and get to the train on time.)

    I tried to coax my brain toward this idea, and to resist the considerable energy drawing it back to the habitual, well-worn track of  “It won’t work out.”

    It felt strange, driving toward the station with the idea that finding parking and getting to the train was workable. I mean “strange” the way crossing your legs the opposite way from how you usually do feels strange. Not bad, really, but unfamiliar, foreign.

    But not too long after it felt strange, it felt incredibly liberating. Just as assuming “It won’t work out” is a pretty sure bet to breed anxiety, approaching an unknown with the assumption that it’s going to be workable is likely to induce at least some degree of calm and equanimity.

    And it did. My shoulders relaxed, my breathing deepened, and I felt a kind of mental brightening, as if a foreboding storm cloud had unexpectedly lifted.

    I’d like to say that was the moment when I cast aside the worn-out assumption that “It won’t work out” and replaced it—forevermore—with “It’s all workable.” Well, suffice it to say, I’m still working on the third difficulty: “Continue in that new way.”

    But that’s okay with me now, in a way it wouldn’t have been four decades ago. Instead of feeling impatient to get rid of that worry-driven assumption, I feel grateful that I became aware of it.

    And to me, that kind of awareness, arising seemingly spontaneously, is the fruit of meditation and whatever other ways we work to wake up. However imperfectly we make that effort, it does make a difference over time.

    Contrary to the incessant messages from our turbo-charged culture, here’s another piece of wisdom I’ve gleaned in forty-some years of meditating and sixty-some years of life: Most change happens bit by bit, one small “aha” at a time, with lots of practice in between.

    And there’s joy to be had—in each of those small awakenings, and in the winding path we walk toward the unknown, illumined by the light of one humble, thrilling realization after another.

    (By the way–no surprise—I did find the lot and a parking space, and got to the train with plenty of time. It did work out.)

  • Get Past Disappointment: Release Expectations and Live Your Own Life

    Get Past Disappointment: Release Expectations and Live Your Own Life

    Free Man

    “Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” ~Unknown

    Several years ago, I decided I had issues with surrender. I was often angry or resentful believing my life was not playing out as it should have been.

    I found a great measure of peace by performing a wonderful exercise I first learned of in Abraham-Hicks material.

    I took a large rectangular piece of paper and drew a vertical line, top to bottom, down the middle. On the left side, I listed things I felt responsible for and on the right side, I listed what needed to be turned over to a higher power (universal intelligence).

    It was an odd take on the idea of a job description, but it worked for me. I considered what types of things I had power over and surrendered much of the rest. When I did this, life became much easier.

    I did not let go of my tendency for disappointment, though, and I started looking at types of situations where I became disappointed.

    I found that my thinking fell into five main traps. My core issue seemed to revolve around having expectations for how other people should behave.

    1. I’d think, “Please be happy (sad, proud, indignant…) with me so I can feel justified having my feelings.”

    I recognized that I had a tendency to look to other people to validate my own feelings. When I would go to the movies with a friend, I would direct my glance away from the screen frequently to see if my friend was enjoying the same parts of the movie I liked.

    When I achieved a professional or financial goal, I remembered wanting my family to be proud “for me” and to congratulate me on things that made me feel proud.

    I wanted other people to mirror my emotional state, and I had to remind myself that they own their emotions and expressions, and I own mine.

    I learned that I cannot depend on other people to validate my feelings. I also understood that my feelings cannot be expressed by anyone except myself.

    Now, rather than look for others to validate my emotions, I realize I should simply experience them more fully.

    It’s good to laugh or cry or smile to ourselves whether someone else can see us or not.

    2. I’d think, “If I support you emotionally, you should support me.”

    If Emotional Intelligence were a highly regarded requirement for college entrance, I would have gone to an Ivy League institution, for sure. I have a knack for soothing ruffled feelings and for getting people to talk about things they want to talk about but can’t seem to express directly.

    I have often wished others could do this for me.

    But I have learned that we can’t expect this. We have to remember that we own our feelings, expressions, and abilities, and other people own theirs. Not everyone has the ability to make people feel better by attentive listening.

    Instead of being disappointed with giving more than I get, I try to look at how I can apply my sensitivity to mitigate my own hurts.

    3. I’d think, “People should act kindly toward others because I want everyone to get along.”

    Sometimes, I’ve observed myself recoiling if I witness a restaurant patron acting unkindly to a waitress or a driver cutting off another driver a hundred feet ahead of me. Again, I have to remind myself that I am responsible for my feelings, actions, and expressions, and other people are responsible for theirs.

    We are not personally responsible for making up the shortfall in simple acts of kindness someone else might experience. We can only aim to be examples of compassion, humor, patience, and any quality we would like to see more of in the world.

    4. I’d tell myself, “I am not ‘judging’ anything or anyone. I am simply refining a preference.”

    I rather not think of myself as judgmental. Yet, judgments flow through my mind constantly.

    I’ll tell myself that I need to make some judgments in order to make satisfying choices. I’ll tell myself that I’m not making judgments. I’m just refining preferences.

    I have to acknowledge, though, that I don’t always confine my thoughts about what is good or bad, what is “preferable” or not, to me and my life. I’ll think this person should lose weight, or that person should drink less alcohol, or this person should treat his children better.

    When the judgment first forms in my mind, I will feel a natural sort of entitlement to the opinion. After all, I have good values, maybe an enlightened perspective in some matters. But the judgments will still lead to disappointment and suffering.

    Why should I feel entitled to have any expectations on how someone else should live? This, too, is a practice of remembrance. I have to remember I own my feelings, emotions, and expressions, and other people own theirs.

    If I believe in moderation, I can give attention to not over-eating or drinking. If I believe in kindness, I can form an intention to ask after people or respectfully offer help.

    5. I’ll tell myself that I’m entitled to feel my feelings and use this as an excuse to spend extra energy holding on to an experience.

    There is often an interesting line to navigate between allowing myself to grieve a possibility not coming to fruition and romanticizing the loss. Truly, the loss is real, but it’s temporal.

    While acknowledging that it’s okay to feel sad, I do not want to give the feeling extra energy either.

    For me, holding on to an experience, or feelings about an experience, is fueling an expectation. I’ll get to thinking that things will always be a certain way or that I will always have the same feelings about something.

    But situations and moods are temporary, and an expectation that they’re permanent or probable can inhibit us from living life and enjoying the present.

    I’ve learned that getting beyond disappointments often involves moving beyond expectations and taking responsibility for living our own lives; owning our actions and emotions and letting others own theirs.

    Photo by yimmy149

  • Loving Others Without Expecting Them to Fill a Void

    Loving Others Without Expecting Them to Fill a Void

    couple

    “You must love in such a way that the other person feels free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Conventional notions of what it means to love are populated with expectations for reciprocity, which often gets us into trouble. I know this personally, because whenever I have “freely” given my love and it has not been rewarded with reciprocity, I have often come face to face with my resentment.

    This has been especially true of my intimate relationships. I want the people who fall into this category, in particular, to reciprocate my love. I expect them to. But, as Thich Nhat Hanh points out, love is expansive, not constrictive.

    I had a boyfriend once, for example, who seemed to genuinely like spending time with me, but didn’t make our relationship a priority. This was a guy who was pretty laid back in general, and so I discounted his reserve and tried to be patient, thinking we’d eventually turn a corner.

    What became clear, over the course of four years, is that my patience was thinly veiling a whole host of disappointed expectations for reciprocity. And in the end I felt angry and betrayed.

    The question is: by whom really?

    When some time had passed and I was able to look back on the situation with a little more objectivity, it became clear that I’d entered into the relationship with typical expectations for attention, time, comfort, and affection—in other words, an agenda.

    I don’t mean to say there is anything wrong with wanting to be loved. There isn’t. It is a good and natural impulse.

    We all deserve the love of our intimate others and should be careful to choose partners whose love for us is a natural, abundant outpouring of their feelings, and investment in us and our wellbeing.

    The desire to be loved—to the extent that it is fueled by any underlying agendas or feelings of isolation and loneliness—can be very problematic. It often turns a relationship into some version of, “I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine.” And love isn’t contractual.

    However, bargaining is, and this, unfortunately, was the weak foundation on which my own compromised relationship stood and faltered. He failed to invest in the relationship while taking advantage of all the intimate benefits, and I failed to draw good boundaries; I settled for being used, rather than being loved.

    Revealed in all this was the fact that I hadn’t exactly been looking after my own needs very well. I’d neglected and betrayed myself, in some sense, and needed to assume greater responsibility for my own personal happiness.

    To that end I began a quest to locate the sense of inner contentment and satisfaction I so craved, but was not in possession of. I read books, magazines, watched films, and made note of what resonated with me and what did not—what stirred my enthusiasm, what made sense.

    I became more curious about my inner life. An act of love in itself.

    Later, I began a regular practice of journal writing and meditation. I’m a big believer in the contemplative arts, which, for me, can include things like painting, running, swimming, knitting—almost anything that helps you reach a more contemplative state of mind. For me this was huge.

    What I have learned the hard way is that a robust love stands the best chance of materializing between people who have ripened sufficiently as individuals. And it is always a work in progress.

    Love is never complete. Just as life is always moving and re-shaping itself, this is true with love.

    Thus, loving in such a way that the person we love feels free is as simple and straightforward as it is complex and discursive.

    Essentially, we need to practice being the love we wish to see in the world, and that requires a deeply rooted sense of reverence and respect for ourselves, our intimate others, and the wonderfully complex, exquisitely vulnerable, flawed humanity we share.

    It requires making mistakes, making amends, and trying to manage matters with an increasing degree of skill and intelligence, not to mention forgiveness.

    Here is a lovely quote by Rumi that really gets to the heart of the matter.

    And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth

    “You owe me.”

    Look what happens with love like that.

    It lights up the sky.

    Which is to say, we need to be love. That is all there really is to it in the end—simple, but not easy, as with most things worth striving for in life. Then the love returned by others can be received as the gift that it is.

    Ultimately, love is its own reward. Generous. Expansive. Inclusive. Receptive. Liberating.

    Love well, live well!

    Photo by mrhayata

  • 5 Questions To Ask Yourself If You’re Not Where You Thought You’d Be

    5 Questions To Ask Yourself If You’re Not Where You Thought You’d Be

    Thinking

    “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ~Rumi

    When I left high school, I had no idea about what I wanted to be when I “grew up.” I still had no idea when I left university. There wasn’t anything in me that really burned to be a doctor, a translator, a lawyer, or an artist, for example.

    I was a bit of an all-arounder and wasn’t really 100% focused in any one direction. I always thought this was the curse of completing an arts degree (namely French), where in many cases you can go in any direction you choose, but what if you have no idea?

    I think what I was always quite sure of is the feeling this unknown career would instill in me.

    I remember speaking to a career counsellor and saying something about wanting to be a powerful woman who wears suits, has some kind of semi-important title, and spends a lot of their time getting the train between Paris and London for business meetings.

    As soon as I said it, though, I felt hollow and instinctively knew that that wasn’t me. This is what all my friends were signing up for, and I was torn.

    Do I follow what I’m expected to do and go for the lifestyle, or do I dive back into the crumbling well of not knowing what I’m doing with my life?

    After a lot of soul searching, I decided to move into high school teaching. I could still be involved in all things French, have some kind of semi-prestigious role, and make a difference. (The suit was optional, though).

    That “business woman” feeling I’d wanted translated quite well into teaching. I felt wanted, important, needed, useful, and creative, like a fountain of knowledge creating an impact where it mattered. But something was still missing.

    After feeling empty, fed up, and like I was sacrificing my well-being at the expense of my career/search for a particular feeling, I knew I still wasn’t in the right place.

    I then went through a few years of relentlessly comparing myself to others and where they got to in life. My friends at university seemed to be settling into jobs that were made for them. They were making good money and climbing the ladder.

    Why couldn’t I do this? Why didn’t I want to do this? It wasn’t supposed to be like this. What the hell was wrong with me?

    The last few years after moving from the UK to Australia have marked something of a transition for me. I feel that there was a reason I was meant to move to the other side of the world: I came here to follow my own path.

    I was meant to come to Australia to stop comparing myself to my university friends, to stop feeling that I’d let me parents down, and to be really secure in myself and not myself in the eyes of others.

    Away from this, I became incredibly interested in holistic health and nutrition, spirituality, healing, and meditation—a far cry from the powered up business woman ideal I was originally aiming for.

    I am in no way where I thought I’d be when I school.

    I’m pretty sure that if I told people what I was doing now (writing and training to be a healer), they’d be quite surprised. Trust me—no one is more surprised than me. But I absolutely love what I’m doing and I’m so passionate about it. I’m incredibly grateful that I’ve found my “thing.”

    If you’re nodding your head furiously at anything I’ve written and feel like you’re not where you thought you would be, I invite you to think about the following questions.

    1. Is it really as bad as it appears to be?

    Okay, you might not have the salary, but is your job progressing the way you want it to? Do you have steady income? Do you like your colleagues?

    If you really drill down into “dream” jobs, there’s always something people don’t particularly like doing, but generally it’s okay. They don’t call them “jobs” for nothing!

    2. Are you putting unnecessary pressure on yourself?

    Whether you’re recovering from an illness or setting up your own business, it can be terrifying and can often feel like you’re never going to get there. Remember to give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.

    Take time to step back and look at what you’ve achieved so far. If something’s worth doing, it’s worth taking time over and really pacing yourself. A bit of patience and a sprinkle of hope, and you’ll get there.

    3. Whose expectations are you fighting with—yours or someone else’s?

    I suddenly realized, after years of comparing myself to other people, that I was doing myself a huge injustice by making myself feel inferior to others.

    As much as I wanted to blame society, the government, or my parents for not being where I wanted to be in life, I realized the expectations I’d placed on myself were incredible.

    Even if I were as perfect as I’d envisioned, I still wouldn’t be happy. The same goes for expectations laid down on you by other people—they’ll never be happy with where you are either.

    That’s when I realized I had to let it all go. These herculean expectations were energy zapping and weighing me down, so I released them.

    4. What can you learn from the situation?

    Everything happens for a reason. Are you underselling yourself at work? Are you spending time on things that really light you up?

    The big lesson for me was learning to be myself and be okay with that. I learned that my talents and skills are unique and that at the end of the day, people want and remember you for you, not for your job.

    5. Is there anything you could do today to move you closer to your ideal life?

    Once I thought about all the time I’d wasted wishing I was higher up the ladder, more glamorous, or more athletic, I wanted to do something right away that would make me feel like I was moving the right direction for me.

    If you’re constantly berating yourself for your fitness, go to the gym. Want to eat healthier food? Cook healthier food. It’s simple. Often, we sabotage ourselves as an avoidance tactic. Nobody can do it for you but you.

    There’s no time like the present. Your dream and goals are just waiting for you to run toward them with open arms. All you have to do is say yes.

    Photo by mrhayata

  • 3 Ways to Redesign Your Life by Shedding the Excess

    3 Ways to Redesign Your Life by Shedding the Excess

    “Don’t let your happiness depend on something you may lose.” ~C.S. Lewis

    For as long as I can remember, “more” has always been better, but the word “more” is no longer what it used to be.

    Five years ago, I started exercising for the first time in my life. At first, I counted down the minutes until my workout was over. As I got stronger, though, I started staying at the gym longer and longer.

    For a while, I burned more calories than I consumed during meals. It didn’t matter. I worked out as much as I could because I liked the effects it had on my body and mind. I felt healthy and vibrantly energetic.

    But I hardly had time for much more in my life.

    I was burnt out. Some of my other favorite activities—like reading or making plans with friends—took a backseat to putting in hours at the gym. But working out in less time scared me, as silly as that sounds now. Would less time in the gym slow down my health and energy level? Would I lose momentum?

    When my loved ones started complaining, I knew I had to make a change.

    I found I could do more with less at the gym. I found that my body appreciated the extra rest more than I ever expected. I found that, by finding a balance, my life felt more at ease.

    Over time, I discovered that in many areas of my life, less is more. Carrying the excess of my life felt like pulling around a parachute, making every step more strained.

    Focusing on the necessary, on the positive, on the essential may grant you the freedom you desire. Here are three areas in your life you can redesign:

    1. Your Relationships

    Growing up, my friends and I counted and compared how many toys we had, how many books we read, how many good grades we achieved. Only now, decades later, have I dropped that habit of thinking “more” is better.

    When I quit my job and started my own business, I never thought that my biggest obstacle would be the people I chose to accompany me on that path. Once I hit that roadblock, it took great courage to cut the ties that were holding me back.

    The people we come across and spend time with become a part of our lives. That doesn’t mean they necessarily should. It’s up to you to choose.

    Jim Rohn once said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” If that is true, could your relationships serve you better? If you could choose, what kind of people would you surround yourself with?

    2. Your Material Goods

    Someone once told me, “The fastest way to get a pay raise is to spend less money.”

    Quitting my job last year meant watching how I spent money. This was a blessing in disguise.

    Every single time I browsed the web for a beautiful new handbag, I stopped myself, thinking: “What am I trying to find in this handbag? What am I looking to feel by buying this?”

    Over time, this spread to the material goods I already have, not just the ones I hoped to purchase. I gave away some things that would be more useful to people in need. Living in a third-world country made that process easier, giving me a chance to give back to the communities around me.

    The items we hold around us pile up over time, but the purpose of that is not always clear. What are you looking for within those items: happiness, status, or is it something else?

    If you are interested in living a life with less stress, try asking yourself why you hold dear the possessions around you.

    3. Your Expectations

    For much of my life, I gave in to my emotions. With a blindfold over my eyes, I stumbled through life at the whim of my mood swings.

    Very often, I spent my days feeling angry, jealous, or doubtful. I was unaware of the reason behind these emotions. I let them run free, untethered inside my heart and mind.

    Until someone introduced me to a book called Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl.

    In his book, he writes:

    “A man’s suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus, suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind.”

    Whether the situation is big or small, every single person decides just how much to suffer for it. When faced with the same situation, each of us decides just how to frame and feel that situation.

    The biggest reason I let my emotions run wild was because I was not aware of my expectations. I imagined life to be a certain way, and I was torn when reality didn’t match up.

    Wiping my mind clean of how life should play out, I allow myself to accept each moment as it comes, for better or for worse. The calm I feel at shedding expectations is extraordinary.

    When I set out to redesign my life— quitting my job, starting my own mini-business, spending more time writing—I never thought I would also start a quest to shed many parts of my life.

    None of this is easy, but it is worth it. I grapple with it everyday, but that grappling makes all the difference.

    Are you looking to redesign your life? Share your stories in the comments.

    Photo by The Green Party