Tag: ex-girlfriend

How I Stopped Blaming My Ex for Our Painful Relationship

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~Lewis B. Smedes

When it came to my ex-girlfriend, I had difficulty letting go.

She was a girl I’d had a big crush on for a couple of years. Funnily enough, once my crush on her began to fade, she suddenly started taking a liking to me and made it known that she was into me through our mutual friends.

I had my doubts about our compatibility from the start. We hardly shared any common interests, and I found it hard to connect with her in conversations. But my friend said things would be different once we started dating, as had been the case for him and his girlfriend, so I decided to give things a go.

We broke up after a year of dating, yet we kept coming back to each other over the next two years. Like so many couples, we didn’t know how to be together, nor how to be without each other. We weren’t just incompatible; we were toxic together, and our relationship was full of drama.

When our turbulent relationship came to an end, it wasn’t letting go of the relationship that I had trouble with; it was letting go of the negative thoughts and feelings that I held toward her. I blamed her for what she had put me through during our time together.

Though I could go on blaming her, I knew that on a deeper level that the fault didn’t lie solely with her.

I would get irritated with her for the littlest of things. And though I have always been an optimistic person, during the relationship, I was very negative.

I was convinced that we couldn’t last even a week without fighting. And like a self-fulfilling prophecy, it always came to pass.

We eventually parted ways once we each moved to different parts of the country.

However, the feelings of blame and resentment I was holding from the relationship still bothered me long after it was over.

Years ago I came across a quote from Buddha that went like this:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

I wanted to let go of these feelings since I knew holding on to them was doing me no good. Yet an intellectual realization alone is often not enough; to let go of negativity, we often need a practical step to take.

And that’s exactly what I found in Rhonda Byrne’s book The Magic.

Her book contained an exercise on healing relationships through gratitude. She said that focusing on what we are grateful about the other person could help heal and eliminate feelings of negativity.

As I started looking for things to be grateful for, I noticed that there were indeed lots of things to appreciate—things that weren’t immediately apparent because my mind had been fixating on all the negatives.

Like the times when she could be really sweet and caring, and the wonderful and thoughtful birthday gifts she gave me over the years. And most importantly, she never judged me and helped me accept parts of myself that I had trouble accepting.

The relationship made me realize how judgmental I could be, something that wasn’t apparent to me earlier. It also taught me how powerful the thoughts and feelings we put into a relationship are, whether positive or negative.

The feelings of resentment I held toward her did not magically go away overnight, possibly because I had stubbornly held on to them for so long.

It took me a few times of writing them over the years before the blame and negativity started fading away. And I’m glad to say that those feelings are no longer present.

As I see it now, it’s impossible to change what happened. The only thing I can change is the perspective with which I look back upon the relationship.

True, we didn’t have the best of relationships, far from it. But I wouldn’t have learned the things I did if everything had been perfect. I guess relationships are like that. There are no failed relationships. The only failed relationships are the ones in which we fail to learn anything.

Changing my perspective has brought me a lot of peace and helped me let go of the thoughts and feelings that were bothering me.

I hope if you hold feelings of resentment toward anyone, you can let go too by shifting your perspective and finding some way you’ve learned, grown, or benefited from the relationship. In the end, we are doing ourselves the biggest favor by letting go.

July 22, 2020
Before You Send That Message to Your Ex, Consider This

“If the hurt comes so will the happiness. Be patient.” ~Rupi Kaur

What if I said instead of messaging our ex, we had a different choice, a choice that will be even more fulfilling than acting on the urge to share whatever we’re feeling right now?

It’s been over a year since I last spoke with my ex. While I’ve thought about him and missed him, I’ve known that getting in contact wasn’t the right thing, and so I haven’t taken any action to reconnect.

For the past few weeks, however, my thoughts have been seeping in, focusing on the good times, the fun times, and how, when we were at our best, he made me feel like the most important person in the world.

What’s been different this time is that these romanticized thoughts have coincided with a period in my life when I’ve been having a difficult time, and with that, my willpower to abstain from reaching out has been weaker.

Recently I felt a knot in my stomach, an overwhelming urge, like I couldn’t get through another moment without speaking with him. My chest tight, heart thumping, unable to relax, tears flooding, a messy anxious feeling that needs him.

In my moment of weakness I took to notes on my phone to write everything I wanted to say. I imagined how he’d be there for me and give me the love and support I’ve been craving. Tears flowed as I typed, the anxious pit in my stomach now at bursting point waiting for me to send the message to become relaxed once more.

But what if our need for connection is leading us to the wrong places? What if we are seeking the familiar, but it’s actually chaos, dysfunction, and drama—not something positive or healthy?

Within our brains are neurotransmitters called dopamine, which act as messengers communicating reward, motivation, and body regulation. What’s interesting is that dopamine is not only released from pleasurable experiences—say for example love, hugs, and kisses—but also when we’re trying to get out of a difficult experience. So, that feel-good chemical is not only released during the good times, but can also be released during the bad.

Growing up with alcoholism in my family, violent outbursts and drama were a regular occurrence. It’s only in hindsight that I’ve realized I’ve been drawn to relationships full of extreme highs and lows, the exact replicas of chaotic times of my past. I’m not a scientist, but I’d guess that I’ve been reaping the benefits of a whole lot of dopamine during those roller coaster relationships, like my mind is addicted to drama!

As I sat thinking about the text message I wanted to send, my mind raced with anxiety and questions. What would his response be? Would I even receive one at all? Would he say loving, supportive words like during our good times? Or would he be annoyed that I’d made contact? Ruminating, ruminating, ruminating, the what if’s, is this the right thing?

In one moment of clarity (and luckily before hitting send), with the guidance of my therapist, I took a step back from the situation to see what was really going on. My brain, now hardwired for drama, was seeking a hit, the perfect distraction from feeling the sadness of what’s currently going on in my life. Dealing with the anxiety and drama of making contact with my ex felt a lot easier than just sitting with my emotions.

Being in this state, I gave myself permission; I could still send the message, but on one condition: I had to wait as long as I could, at least overnight and if possible a few days. Then, if I still wanted to send it that would be completely okay because I’d be doing it out of choice rather than impulse.

Using the time wisely, I spoke to someone trusted, who I could rely upon. They didn’t offer advice; they just sat and listened to everything I had to say about what I was going through.

Slowly, the anxiety dissipated and that bursting pit in my stomach subsided. And I cried. That big ball of emotion I’d been stuffing inside was finally released. Even more beneficial, I didn’t have any of the worry about how he would react or be with me, which allowed me to concentrate on fully feeling.

The next morning, filled with clarity, I chose not to press send. While I had the perfect vision of what I had hoped to get from contact with my ex, I knew I couldn’t control his response.

I also realized that making contact would have only been a short term ‘fix’, and when the initial feeling of anticipation subsided, I would be left feeling the exact amount of pain that had led me there in the first place.

You might not be addicted to drama as I was, but there’s a good chance that your desire to text your ex is really an attempt to stop feeling whatever uncomfortable emotions you might be feeling—sadness, disappointment, or maybe fear of what’s down the road.

Texting your ex might seem to help temporarily, but those feelings will still be there after you hit send. And you may even feel worse if they don’t respond, or don’t respond how you hoped they would.

There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to what we should do. But we need to give ourselves the opportunity to act out of choice rather than impulse, or as I nearly did, due to a need for to drama to distract me.

In the time we take to make our decision, we can do what we need to make ourselves feel nurtured, and if necessary reach out to a trusted person who we know will 100% have our backs. After that, it might be a lot easier to make the healthier choice.

Be kind to yourself.

March 21, 2019
A 7-Step Plan for Finding Love After a Devastating Breakup

“Resilience in love means finding strength from within that you can share with others.” ~Sheryl Sandberg

It took me a couple months to start repairing my broken heart after the toughest breakup of my life. I thought we were going to spend our lives together, but the gods of love had other plans.

After I’d grieved in healthy (and not-so-healthy ways) I knew I could take two paths: stay stuck in my misery or pick myself up, dust off my sadness, and make a plan to move on.

And now it’s time for you to move on and find love again, too.

I know it’s not easy. For years I believed my ex was “the one” and the thought of finding someone new after our breakup was terrifying.

But I got back on my horse and kept riding. I felt the fear of rejection, putting myself out there again, playing the “dating game,” trusting someone new, and wasting my time with people I didn’t connect with.

But finding love doesn’t have to be complicated and scary if you follow a plan, just like anything else in life.

You want to start your own business, take a vacation, or get out of debt? Make a plan.

You want to find love? You’ve got to make a plan for that, too.

If you don’t have a plan you’ll continue stumbling around in the dark hoping you’ll miraculously find true love. So if you’re struggling to find love and tired of the same old patterns leading you into the arms of the wrong people, then listen up…

Step 1: Let go of your ex.

Have you really let go of your ex and moved on from your breakup?

If you haven’t let go, you’re not going to find love. Period.

On the first date I went on after my breakup I talked about my ex. A lot. I knew I was breaking the sacred rules of first dates, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t about to hide my true feelings. Because the fact was I was still sad about it. It was clear to me that I wasn’t yet over the breakup.

But I also understood that if I had my ex and my breakup on my mind there was never going to be room for new love to enter.

Do you still have negative feelings around your breakup? Are you holding onto anger, shame, or resentment?

If you want to find a new partner and true love, you’ve got to let that stuff go.

Whether you’re getting over a recent breakup or a breakup that happened months or even years ago, you have to let go.

How?

First, stop avoiding and suppressing your negative feelings. We avoid dealing with our feelings in all sorts of ways: binge-watching television, eating, sex, alcohol, drugs, and telling people, “Everything is fine,” when we’re actually a hot mess.

Instead of avoiding and suppressing, let your feelings flow through you and get comfortable with the discomfort. Don’t chastise yourself for the feelings. Ask yourself, “Where is this coming from?” and, “Why is this coming up NOW?” Getting curious is always healthier than suppression.

Second, get back to doing things you love. Sometimes when we’re in a long-term relationship, we lose ourselves. Go do things that light you up inside and bring you joy. Go take that hip-hop dance class, join a new gym, or write the book you’ve been putting off.

And finally, make sure you have someone who listens to you without judgment and will let you vent when you need to. You think you don’t have someone to talk to? Think harder. You might be surprised of how willing people are to help and listen when you tell them how much you’re hurting. Exploring solutions is always easier when we have someone who listens instead of feeding us useless clichés like, “Time will heal.”

Other solutions to exploring our feelings are support groups in your community, online forums, or starting a journaling practice. Get the stuff out and you’ll be surprised how much easier it becomes to let it go.

Step 2: Believe that you have more than one soul mate.

“But Eric,” you say, “I already found my soul mate and now they’re gone!”

It’s okay. All is not lost.

Because there’s no such thing as having only one soul mate on this planet. If you’ve already found one, good for you! But guess what? There are more out there!

How do I know that for sure? I don’t. But if you want to go on staying stuck in your breakup and feeling sad about losing your soul mate, I can guarantee you won’t find a new person who brings out the light inside of you, who makes you feel special, wanted, and supported.

Believing you have only one soul mate is nothing more than a limiting belief—and limiting beliefs are meant to be overcome.

If you haven’t yet found a soul mate, this is still an important point to understand. If you convince yourself there’s only one soul mate for you out there, you’re going to put too much pressure on every new relationship you enter into. Remember, there are multiple soul mates out there for you. But I promise, if you’re lying on the couch watching Netflix, you’re not going to find them.

Step 3: Don’t date people just because they’re the exact opposite of your ex.

When you go through a devastating breakup you convince yourself that you’ll never date someone like your ex ever again! “That’s it!” you scream, “I’m going for someone totally different than my ex!”

Your ex hated spontaneity and adventure? You’re going after a rock-climbing, world-traveling, adrenaline-seeker.

Your ex had blonde hair? Only brunettes from now on!

Your ex didn’t like reading, cats, Star Wars, trying new restaurants, the opera, camping, people-watching, or road trips? You get the idea.

But the problem with this approach is that it’s a knee-jerk reaction. Instead of thinking about what you really, truly want in a relationship, you jump in blindly. Dating someone just because they’re not like your ex probably won’t end well.

The solution?

Go to Step 4.

Step 4: Get clear on your values.

Our values are the guiding lights in our lives.

If you’re not clear on what you value, how can you find someone who shares your values? Because if you’re dating people who don’t share the same values as you, it’ll never work.

Think about your past relationships. Remember those times when you first started dating someone and you discovered something that didn’t jive with your values? And remember how you brushed it to the side and said, “It’s probably not that big of a deal. Maybe I’ll change….or maybe they’ll change.”

Sound familiar?

Fast-forward to your breakup. I’ll bet some of those old clashes in values came up throughout the breakup process, didn’t they?

Get clear on your values and don’t negotiate, undermine, or reduce them. Stay true to them and find a partner who shares your values. If you do this, you’ll be taking a huge step toward finding love again.

Step 5: Say “no” to relationships that are a waste of your time (and theirs).

It’s hard to say “no.” We don’t like hurting people’s feelings and letting people down, so we say “yes” to things we shouldn’t. Then we kick ourselves afterward for not having had the guts to say “no.”

When we delay our “nos” we’re wasting our time and the other person’s time. We go on third, fourth, and fifth dates with people who we’re really not interested in, but we just can’t tell them the words, “I’m sorry, I just don’t want to be with you.” Instead, we draw it out into a painful process of indecision, stress, and fear.

How do you say “no” to someone you’re not interested in continuing dating?

You say, “I’m sorry, but I know what I’m looking for in a partner and you’re not that person.”

Now, you don’t have to use those exact words. You have to find your own balance between honesty, compassion, and staying true to your values. Because if you’re clear on your values after Step 4, there’s no reason to waste your time with people who don’t align with what you’re looking for.

And really, what’s so bad about saying, “You’re not the partner for me?” Personally, I’d rather hear that and say my goodbyes than feel attacked by a laundry list of all the areas I lack and reasons we’re not a good couple. Just because things didn’t work out with someone doesn’t necessarily mean I should change; maybe it just means there’s a better match out there for me.

Yes, people might feel hurt by your honesty. But ultimately, that’s for them to deal with. I don’t say that to be callous; I say that because people aren’t going to grow if you lie to them, coddle them, and keep saying “yes” when you’d rather say “no.” Ultimately, that honesty is going to help both of you move forward in a healthier way.

Step 6: Improve yourself.

No matter how many self-help books and articles on Tiny Buddha that you’ve read, we all have blind spots and weaknesses.

After my latest breakup, I realized I needed to work on some things. I reflected on my fear of commitment. I got clear on my core values. I worked on my ability to communicate my feelings around tough subjects like sex, money, and having children.

I read new books, worked with a coach, and traveled by myself. I met new people and shared life experiences with them in a vulnerable way.

It’s really hard to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask ourselves, “Where have I been going wrong? What can I do to make myself better?” It’s so much easier to point a finger and say, “It’s your fault! Not mine!”

But true growth can only happen when we look inside ourselves. When you grow and become a better version of yourself you’ll develop more confidence—and we all know confident people are a lot more likely to find true love.

Step 7: Work it!

If you’re ready to find someone new, you have to go out and find them.

It drives me a tad crazy when people say, “I want to find love, but if it happens it happens. I’m not going to go out looking for it! I’ll let the universe do its thing.”

Are you kidding me? When is the last time something that made your life better came to you while you were sitting around doing nothing?

If you want to find love, go out there and look for it!

When we put ourselves out there, get out of our comfort zones, and face our fears, amazing things start to happen.

Go to social gatherings with new people. Find common interest groups in your community. Talk to a stranger on the bus or metro. Hell, give online dating a try!

If you want to find love, you have to get out there and meet new people. Sure, each time isn’t going to be a fruitful experience, but that’s what it’s about. When good things start to happen (which they will) you’ll look back and understand all the effort was worth it.

Now, this seventh step isn’t about obsessing over finding love to the point that it’s unhealthy. If you’ve followed the steps above this shouldn’t be a concern because you’re now feeling more confident in your own skin. If you get better at saying “no,” get clear on your values, and improve yourself, then you’re ready to find love.

But if you’re afraid of being alone for the rest of your life and desperate to find a partner no matter how wrong they are for you, you’re not ready for Step 7. Go back and work through Steps 1 to 6 until you’re ready to find love for the right reasons.

Don’t forget…

Finding love isn’t easy. This plan can take a long time to master.

But when you find that special person you’ll know that all the effort, struggle, rejection, failure, and time-investment was worth it.

True love is a beautiful thing. It shouldn’t be degraded to a pipe dream for the lonely-hearts-club. True love is something that everyone should strive for because life is a lot more fun when we can share it with a person who brings out the light inside of us.

If you haven’t found love yet, please don’t give up. It’s out there. And if you follow the right plan, I know you’re going to find it.

August 15, 2017
The Key to Letting Go of Your Ex: Love Them More

“The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.” ~Barbara De Angelis

My first love broke my heart into microscopic little pieces. I honestly didn’t think I’d survive. Losing him was like losing a limb. I couldn’t function.

Yet, by the time that he and I had parted ways, our connection was already severed, bleeding, broken—hanging on by threads we both imagined were there.

When we met, we were idealistic, open-hearted, trusting teenagers. Three years later, we were both addicts, self-harming in our own ways, and both in the habit of using words—those words first uttered in times of gentle intimacy—like weapons against each other. We were at war—with each other and with ourselves.

Together, we had become the worst versions of ourselves. But this is what made it so much harder to let go. Sure, we were sick, mentally and emotionally, but we were sick together.

I kept thinking I was “over him” until, three years later, I realized I hadn’t thought about him for a whole week. Until then, I thought of him multiple times a day, especially when I walked by places we had frequented together. The city around me was a minefield.

In those three years, I was with someone else. He was the polar opposite of my ex. I realize now that I subconsciously thought choosing someone I was incompatible with would protect me from future harm. Maybe it did. But it also kept me from passion and intimacy.

Maybe it sounds like my broken heart healed organically, naturally, over time. It didn’t. About a month before I finally stopped thinking about my ex every day, I had an epiphany.

I can’t remember what sparked it, but I remember exactly how I felt when I realized: He and I were not going to be together again. The only thing more shocking was my subsequent realization that I’d spent three years expecting that we would be!

I realized that he and I had done horrible things to each other and that, regardless of our initial connection, I didn’t want memories like that with someone. I didn’t want to remember my partner voicing all my worst self-judgments. I wanted someone to feel safe with. And we could never feel safe together.

Shortly after the dissolution of my second relationship, I had another epiphany: I was an addict. I smoked cigarettes. I drank too much. And I’d been using mind-altering substances in a way I thought was social, but was, truly, escapist and excessive.

It wasn’t until I rid myself of my other addictions, and faced the demons I had without those crutches, that I realized I didn’t really love my ex. I was addicted to him.

I thought I needed to learn to love again, but I didn’t. I had never truly loved. I got high on idealizing him, crafting him into this perfect savior who would save me from all my pain and all my insecurities. Then, I stewed in villainizing him, blaming him for tearing up my life, my innocence, my confidence. But he was just a human being, and I never saw that.

I did to him what I did to myself. I expected perfection, and when I realized it wasn’t coming, I poured hot, thick judgment all over everything. I couldn’t face my authentic, real, natural self, so I couldn’t face him that way either.

When I began to greet the woman in the mirror with open-minded, open-hearted acceptance of what was there, I suffered. I suffered because she wasn’t like TV, because she had flaws, because she would never be perfect. I suffered because I realized how much time I’d wasted trying to be perfect.

A time came when my reflection no longer triggered revulsion within me. That was my first experience of what I call “love.” I saw someone whose beauty surpassed the pictures on the magazines. I saw a woman who was beautiful because she was a raw, real, organic part of everything.

When I saw myself that way, I could see the rest of reality that way. I finally saw my ex that way—flaws and all, beautiful because he was a part of this interconnected moment. Beautiful because he was real, human, flawed, just like everyone else.

That was the first time I ever really loved him. I loved him that way where I wanted him to be happy, with or without me—that way I’d heard people talking about, but never understood what they meant.

When I finally loved him that way, I didn’t need him to be mine. I didn’t need him to be a part of my sad story anymore. He had his own story. He was more important than the role he’d played in my own, personal melodrama.

I realized that I had spent years craving love with all my being, and I had been translating those cravings into desires for my ex. I thought I was heartbroken about losing him, but I wasn’t. I was heartbroken about losing this “love” thing that I thought came from him.

But love didn’t come from him. Love came from me. It was always inside of me, this feeling of being connected to the world. I mentally hired him as the deliveryman of that feeling and suffered for years, because he wasn’t coming and bringing it.

I didn’t need to learn to love again. I needed to learn to love.

Now, I can experience the feeling of love when looking at a sunset. I can feel it while having a really good conversation with a friend. I feel it often while writing. I feel it sometimes in crowds of people.

I feel love in those places because I let myself feel it, because I’ve come to define love as an awareness of my connection to the world, and I allow that connection to take endless forms. Because of that, I’m no longer begging, pleading, desperately for people to love me, and I am not obsessing about past relationships lost.

Our relationships are just vessels for something bigger—for real love, for an awareness of our connection to life. Of course, each relationship is different, so we will experience that connection uniquely with each person, but we are experiencing connection all the same.

I have come to believe that heartbreak is an incredible opportunity. It’s a chance to observe the difference between true love and addiction.

It’s a chance to separate our desire for love from our expectations about where love comes from. Heartbreak is an opportunity to look at what we believe we’ve lost and realize that, maybe, we’ve never actually found it.

Maybe this seems counterintuitive, but if you’re trying to stop loving a person in order to get over them, try loving them more. Try loving them so much that you don’t need them to be yours. Try loving them so much that you see the real human being instead of just idealizations and villainizations.

Try loving yourself this way too.

Of course, it will still hurt, because pain is a part of loss. At best, you will have lost a relationship, and that is still painful. But if you allow yourself to lose a relationship without losing love—without losing your awareness of your connection to the world—then your healing process will open doors to profound self-discovery rather than suffering, and eventually, to a higher level of intimacy with others.

Learning to love showed me how much I have to give, and it’s more than I could have ever imagined. If, like me, you move onto another relationship after healing, your capacity for intimacy and connection will far surpass what you experienced in past relationships.

Like this, heartbreak can actually strengthen your future relationships—but only if you take that opportunity to look within yourself.

As Gangaji said, “let your heart break, for your breaking heart only reveals a core of love unbroken.”

September 20, 2016