We are more fortunate than we think. What blessing can you recognize and celebrate today?
Tag: envy
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Uncover Hidden Emotions: What’s Really Pushing Your Buttons and Why?
“When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.” ~Wayne Dyer
Lately, I’ve been confronted by envy. It’s one of those negative emotions that I used to avoid taking credit for.
“I really am happy for everyone,” I would tell potential mates and friends.” And I thought I meant it.
Instead of feeling envious, which was impossible since I didn’t do envy, I would feel an ambiguous sense of dislike for the person.
My elementary school best friend who went on to become a Miss America contender? I made up a story that she was being “fake” by parading around wearing too much makeup. I wanted to be happy for her, but it was too hard.
There’s another young woman I didn’t like, too. She’s a bestselling author and spiritual teacher who is adored by millions and actually looks cute delivering love from the universe. Why didn’t I like her?
I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, so I made up another story about how something wasn’t in alignment and I didn’t trust her integrity.
And the hardest to admit, I suddenly didn’t like an acquaintance I’d known since high school when she started hanging out with a guy I liked. You’d think I could put it all together, but my mind wouldn’t let me see the truth.
Since this feeling of dislike was subtle and ambiguous, it slipped past my internal radar.
There’s not doubt you see my pattern, though. What I masked with disdain was really a crown of envy.
I was unable to admit to myself that I wanted what these women had. (more…)
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Envy Can Teach You Why You’re Dissatisfied with Yourself
“To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is: a dissatisfaction with self.” ~Joan Didion
For a few years in the late 90s, I had a date with the green-eyed monster every other Monday at 6:00 PM on the dot.
That was when my women artists support group met in my friend Anne’s studio.
For those three hours, like clockwork, the envy monster took over my body, mind, and spirit.
Oh, how I wanted a studio like Anne’s! Wide open space for her to paint, high ceilings, natural light through clerestory windows, a small office for her computer off the main room.
My own “studio” was a tiny bedroom, so small it was a miracle my drafting table even fit inside. Where Anne had spacious shelves and flat files to store her supplies, a sofa for visitors, and still had plenty of space left over to spread out and paint, I barely had space to turn around.
It wasn’t just her studio that I envied, either. Unlike me, Anne seemed to have a happy, functioning marriage. And her house was gorgeous, an old bungalow in pristine condition, with the kinds of details you just don’t find in newer construction: old hardwood floors, a fireplace with hand-made tiles, built-in glass cabinets in the living and dining rooms.
In expensive Silicon Valley, houses like this—even tiny ones—don’t come cheap, and I seethed with envy, wishing I could afford a place like Anne’s.
It takes a two-income family to afford such a home in my town, though, and with my marriage falling apart, I was soon to enter the ranks of the single-income—and a limited income, at that.
Face it, with her well-paying design work, her (also well-paid) husband, her beautiful house, and her to-die-for studio, Anne represented everything I wanted and did not have.
Hence that bi-monthly date with the green-eyed monster.
I should note that I didn’t begrudge Anne all of her riches. I was glad for her. (more…)
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8 Tips to Move Beyond Envy and Start Thriving
“Envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness.” ~Bertrand Russell
Everyone feels it. Envy is universal. I can trace my first feelings of envy to my childhood. I grew up with six sisters, each one taller and thinner than I was. On top of that, they all had pretty, long, thick hair. Mine was thin, fine, and unruly. I wore a bra as early as fifth grade. They didn’t need one until high school.
I had a bad case of sister envy. Once, when I was mad at my oldest sister, I actually imagined taking scissors to her long, lovely locks in the middle of the night. Of course, I never did, but I wanted to!
Today, we are good friends. We have each other’s back.
Envy is a resentful emotion. I measured my beauty against the beauty of my sisters. I felt inferior and made them superior. I felt ugly on the inside and blamed it on the outside. I was too young to understand.
I now know that envy centers on feelings of not enough, resentment, doubt, scarcity, and longing. With my sisters, I can’t say that I didn’t feel animosity toward them. However, the anguish I felt within was much worse.
Today’s Envy
Today, my envy lies in comparing myself to other writers or bloggers who have bestsellers, more readers, and more sales than I have. Never mind what they did to get there. My ego wants me to believe they have had an unfair advantage.
Seth Godin, bestselling author, calls the Internet the envy amplifier. (more…)
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4 Reasons to Let Go of Envy and Celebrate Your Greatness
“Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.” ~Unknown
When I arrived home after a brief stint living in another state, I was anxious to reconnect with places from my childhood and the friends I’d left behind.
But while I was healing from a heart-wrenching breakup, suffering through sleepless nights on my parents rock-hard couch, and mulling over where all my freelance writing work had gone, my friends seemed to be successful, happy, and right on track.
Realizing that I had hit rock-bottom and that it crippled my self-esteem, my friends gathered around me, taking shifts to ensure that I wouldn’t drown in my own overwhelming grief.
Yet, while their love and support was what got me through, seeing each of their lives so clearly flourishing added another emotion to my already full load: envy.
Envy is a sneaky bugger—a pot-stirrer who likes to aid the ego in pointing out flaws you’d rather just sweep under the rug. It serves as a reminder of all the success you don’t have, the experiences you haven’t had, the relationships you’d like to have—basically everything that makes you feel “less than.”
I spent the next few months wallowing in comparisons—staring longingly at couples clutching hands as they walked down the street, watching people hustle to their well-paying jobs, and picturing myself in the beautiful homes that others had the ability to purchase.
Unfortunately, while I knew with every cell in my body that I wanted to be somewhere different doing something different, envy kept me rooted firmly in place—a place plagued by lack and thoughts of “if only.”
Once I realized that the circumstances wouldn’t change until I did, I noticed that entertaining this toxic emotion was getting me nowhere but deeper in my hole of self pity. That was when envy and I parted ways, leading me to some very powerful realizations. (more…)
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Be Happier with Your Life: 6 Ways to Let Jealousy Guide You
“Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.” ~Unknown
My friend Kayla and I ran a student organization together at our graduate school. One day, we were sitting at the local café, talking about plans for the organization. Kayla had an idea for a major creative project she would drive and lead.
The idea was fabulous, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the idea of her doing this fabulous thing, though I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. Over our coffees, I shared this concern and that. It wasn’t in line with our goals for the year. It would send the wrong message to our members. It probably wouldn’t work.
As I shared each concern, Kayla responded, eloquently. And bless my friend Kayla, then she said, “Tara, I’m listening to everything you are saying. I’m really trying to understand it, but the words are not making sense to me. You don’t sound like yourself. It feels like you are jealous.”
Whoa. What? Can you hear the little screeching to a halt sound in the background? Things just got hazy with time-just-slowed-down-and-I-sure-didn’t-expect-that wooziness.
Because Kayla is the amazing woman she is, she said this without a hint of accusation. She didn’t sound hurt or angry, righteous, or victimized. She said it as if it were a neutral observation.
In the moments she said it, I began to realize she was right.
I thought, here I am, jealous of a friend. I’m being that kind of person I’ve been hurt by. I’ve been on the other side of the table—sharing a creative idea, an ambition, and feeling it squelched because the other person was threatened. How did I get here? (more…)
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4 Ways to Use Envy for Growth and Personal Gain
“To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is: a dissatisfaction with self.” ~Joan Didion
I like to think of myself as a realist. I realize it sounds good to recommend fighting envy with gratitude. As in, “Don’t dwell on what you don’t have—just count your blessings!”
I recognize that this is a wise suggestion and that we’d all be happy if we could just focus of the abundance in front of us.
But I also realize this isn’t a complete solution.
We’re wired for look for two things in life:
- Solutions to problems—physically, emotionally, spiritually, and professionally
- More—more meaning, more passion, more fun, more recognition; the list goes on and on
We progress as a society because we’re ever mindful of ways to improve how we function, communicate, and produce. This underlies almost everything we do, from interacting in personal relationships to initiating mergers within our companies.
We solve problems by identifying them. That usually means focusing on what’s lacking, and the most accessible way to do that is to observe other people. Or in simpler terms, shaping your own sense of lack based on someone else’s gain. (more…)