Tag: doubt

Giving the Benefit of the Doubt to Rude or Annoying People

“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” ~Henry James

Some lessons you learn once, and they last a lifetime.

I loved to bake as a child, and one day I put a bowl of batter in the microwave with the metal whisk I was using to stir it. A minute later, I pulled the bowl out of the microwave and grabbed the hot metal whisk with my bare hand.

When I think about it, I can still feel the burn from the metal that took several weeks to heal.

Some lessons last a lifetime.

And some don’t.

When I was a little girl, we had a housekeeper for about a month. We came home one day to find that she had stolen several things from our home.

“Mom! Can you believe Lupe stole these things?! How could she?!”

My mom barely reacted to this news. “She must have needed them more than we did.”

I was outraged. “How can you say that? What she did was wrong!”

My mom calmly replied, “Melanie, you never know what someone else is going through.”

I wish I’d remembered that lesson many years later when I was the unit coordinator of an emergency room.

Patients, medical staff, family members, paramedics, and the intercom created a cacophony of voices. People were shouting and running, beeps and buzzers were going off, and the phones were ringing constantly.

There was a separate phone used for patient calls. Its distinctive ring was as welcome as a hammer to my skull on this frenetic day. Just my luck, I was at the desk next to the room of a patient who called every five minutes.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

First, she called for ice chips. She needed her bed raised; she needed her bed lowered. She needed the phone, and then she needed the phone hung up.

Every request she had was heralded by that awful BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

I could have handled it if she asked for what she needed in a normal voice. Instead, she whined each request, as if she was at death’s door, which I’m sure she was not.

“Ooh,” she whined, “I need the TV remote.”

Anyone whose biggest problem is not being able to reach the TV remote has it good in the emergency room, wouldn’t you say?

I mean, we were in a major trauma center. There were people getting CPR, coming in with gunshot wounds, or rushing to surgery as soon as they came through the door, at the same time this woman was whining about not being able to reach the TV remote.

I thought this was my chance to help her get a new perspective and realize that really, she had it good. It kind of felt like my duty. Like I’d be doing her a favor.

So I said, “Well, at least it’s just an issue with your TV remote. There are plenty of people here who won’t survive the night, so you’re doing well to be concerned about watching TV.”

Her eyes grew wide with shock. Her voice softened with the awe of someone who had just been given great wisdom.

“Wow. You’re so right. I should be thankful I’m here and doing okay.”

I sauntered out of her room, feeling great about myself. I really did a good thing. I was like a divine messenger.

When I got back to the nurses’ station, I decided for kicks to look and see why the woman was in the emergency room in the first place. Probably a stubbed toe or something lame like that. I looked at her chart. Heart transplant recipient, renal failure, blood transfusions.

She was only thirty-five years old.

I felt like I’d been hit with a brick.

And there she was, thanking me for helping her see that her situation wasn’t that bad. That just made it worse.

I wanted to walk in there and say, “You know what? Your situation is bad! You want some more ice chips?”

I may not have a physical scar to show, but the shock and shame I felt after reading that woman’s chart went far deeper than the burn from the metal whisk.

Some lessons last a lifetime.

I still judge people. Who doesn’t? It’s like my brain receives information and immediately makes a decision about it.

But I know enough now to remind myself that I’m only seeing part of the picture. Maybe the woman in the hospital called me into her room because she didn’t want to be alone. Maybe she was scared. I don’t know.

And that’s the point. We never know what someone else is going through, whether it’s a housekeeper stealing from her employer, a woman in the hospital incessantly using her call button, or someone who cuts you off on the highway.

We never know what someone else is going through.

What we can do is give other people the benefit of the doubt and choose to show them kindness and compassion.

I know it’s hard sometimes to feel compassion for someone who is really rude or annoying. That’s when I create a story to explain their behavior.

The guy who was rude to me at the grocery store—did you know he just got diagnosed with gonorrhea? From his mistress? And his wife is pregnant with another man’s baby?

No wonder he’s in such a bad mood.

Making up silly stories helps me lighten up. It helps me remember that I’m only seeing one snippet of this person’s life. They could be longing for a breath of kindness, a modicum of compassion.

And that’s something I can give.

November 23, 2014
Stop Holding Yourself Back and Start Proving What You Can Do

“The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” ~Sylvia Plath

Singing professionally has always been something I have wanted to do. Always. The home I grew up in wasn’t a particularly musical household, unless you count playing the radio as playing an instrument.

To my benefit, there was a lot of music in our home ranging from gospel to the Beach Boys; but really nothing beyond the sixties was allowed unless it was a spiritual song of some kind. So, I sang in the church choir and later I helped lead the music for Sunday morning services. Anything to sing.

As a kid, I loved to make up songs. It wasn’t songwriting in my mind; it was playing with words. For example, changing the lyrics to “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” for a friend moving away or playing with a melody because I loved it.

The problem was there was no one around to tell me it was any good or anyone who knew enough about music to encourage a budding talent. As a kid, I thought this meant I wasn’t good enough.

The logic that reigned was if I had something worth praising, someone would tell me. When no one did, I took my talents, dreams, and hopes underground.

Hiding became my normal because I loved music, and since I assumed I wasn’t any good, why put it out there for anyone to criticize? I was too sensitive for such judgment.

When given the opportunity in the fifth grade, I began to play in the orchestra. I played the violin, or was it the viola? I can’t recall. All I can remember is the hideous screeches of “Hot Cross Buns.”

As soon as band was an option, I switched to the flute and fell in love with music in a whole new way. Still, I believed I was no good. The question that seemed to always ring out was, “Do I have what it takes?” When no one responded, I assumed the answer was, “No!”

It’s silly looking back because I never really asked the question, attributing people’s lack of interest or encouragement as rejection and an affirmation of my inability.

Everything was confirmation of my lack of talent.

Like my mother’s warning about the reality of the music industry. Her explanation that it was a tough business meant in my head “You aren’t very good.”

The high school talent coordinator telling me I was better on the flute and should be doing that instead of singing equaled “You aren’t a great singer.”

The flat out discouragement of a church music director saying I was “pitchy” (which I now know was only a matter of bad technique) made me think “I guess I will sing back up forever.”

When I auditioned for American Idol and heard, “You’re good but not what we are looking for,” that was the nail in the coffin.

Why even try? Everyone had told me I wasn’t good enough. Inside I was asking the question “Can I?” and the response was “No!” It took me a long time to realize it wasn’t the world, my music teacher, or even my mother’s job to answer the question “Can I?” It was my job.

One day I decided I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. This thing called music screamed inside to be let out. Finally, I decided songwriting and singing had been gifted to me for a purpose, and I was going to see what that purpose was. Insecurity would no longer be my prison.

It hasn’t been an easy road but the question has changed. Now I ask myself “Why wouldn’t I?” Could it be fear? That is a terrible reason to quit anything. Rejection? I will face that no matter what I do. Failure? I guarantee failure by not trying.

Just changing the question made a world of difference. Not relying on others to answer a question only I was responsible for made me feel empowered.

I still battle insecurity and I still ask myself the wrong questions but more and more I ask myself the right one. Why wouldn’t I? Try it and see what happens in your life.

I surprised myself. You might surprise yourself too. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and will be your cheerleaders. Don’t take no for an answer, even if the person saying “No!” is you.

Woman with suitcase image via Shutterstock

November 3, 2014
Two Words That Can Motivate You to Keep Going: What If?

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~Mary Anne Radmacher

Carefully, I wrote my New Year’s Resolutions neatly in my purple leather bound journal, which chronicled the ups and downs of the past year of my life.

Resolutions, whether they’re made on the first of January or any day of the year, are refreshing. It’s a chance to start again—the closest you can get to a “redo” of the past.

In prior years, I made resolutions that were destined to fail. Read one book per week. Write a book. Learn yoga.

It wasn’t that the previous resolutions were bad. Rather, I had failed to put any sort of plan in place to help me succeed. I only had a lofty goal, not steps laid out to get me from where I was standing to where I wanted to be.

But this year, I needed change. I needed a fresh start. I didn’t need the seemingly constant stress and the disappointment that plagued me last year to carry over into 2014.

So my resolution was a succinct two words: Be happy.

And unlike prior years, I made a plan for how to transform my resolution into my life. It felt weird trying to develop a way to be happy. But this year had to be different, and if planning was required, then plan I would.

The plan? Take steps. And keep taking steps—don’t freeze in place.

I took steps. I enrolled in a course in a subject I had long been interested in but too afraid to try. I decided that I would spend the Fall 2014 semester in London. I went to Chicago’s new Nutella Bar—because not every source of happiness requires a big change; sometimes the little things add up.

And then only days into January, I panicked. Say this whole “Be happy” thing didn’t work out?

What if I made all these changes and I wasn’t happy?

What if the decisions I was making were actually wrong?

What if life was still really stressful and exhausting?

It took me a while to realize what all the what-ifs were really disguising. Superficially, the panic appeared to be the fear of not achieving the resolution.

In reality, though, the fear of not achieving the resolution was a cover-up for the fear of failing as a person. What if I took all the steps to create the life I wanted and it didn’t work out? Would I be left with an unfilled life on top of an unfilled resolution?

Everyone talks about how going after what you truly want takes hard work and perseverance. Few people mention the courage required. It takes courage to forge your own path in a forest overgrown with what-ifs and brimming with the beast of society’s potential judgment.

Being honest with yourself about what you want, whether it’s happiness, a new job, or significant other, is scary. When carving your own path, you don’t know what’s in store for you ahead.

I came close to letting the fear of what-ifs consume me and abandoning my goals along with the little progress I had made in the first few weeks of January.

Fittingly, however, the one thing that overpowered all the what-ifs swirling in my thoughts was one single what-if: What if it all worked out?

What if you succeeded in creating the life you envisioned? It doesn’t need to be a perfect life; every life has a few rough spots or bruises.

And for me that hope, that possibility, that single gnawing question was enough to take the leap of faith and go forward with my goals.

That isn’t to say that I now believe unequivocally that my resolution will work out and every moment of my life will be Kodak-worthy. Rather, it’s to say that I now counter each doubt that creeps into my mind with the single rebuke: What if this all works out?

Focusing on the positives of your goal or resolution is a much more powerful motivator than concentrating on the negatives.

Acknowledge the negatives as potential pitfalls to be aware of, but then counter them with positives. Truly immerse yourself in the positive potential of success.

If your thoughts of doubt are enough to stop you, then your positive thoughts are enough to help you succeed.

February 20, 2014
4 Tips to Help You Keep Going When You’re Filled with Doubt

“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake.” ~Francis Bacon Sr.

“Just research, research, research. That’s what grad school is.”

It seemed as though that was all I was hearing from my professors, and it wasn’t helpful.

Since returning to school to get my master’s degree, I had maintained a 4.0 average, but I also hadn’t taken more than two classes at a time. Until now.

When I enrolled for the fall semester, I chose to take twelve hours, or one full class more than the nine maximum hours recommended. I did this against the advice of my advisor, and I did this knowing that I also had three jobs and three children.

I told myself then that it was only sixteen weeks, and anyone could get through sixteen weeks. I told myself that my kids were older (sophomore, junior, and out of school) and didn’t need me like they used to. I told myself that I was unstoppable.

And I did feel unstoppable. Until I actually started the semester. Suddenly, juggling fifty hours of work, ten hours of commute, and twelve hours of school seemed like the dumbest thing I could do to myself. I had no days off. I had to budget my time down to each hour. I rarely saw my kids.

My husband travels for work and he was on a long job in Canada, so that helped as far as my guilt over not being around for him, but he was due to come back soon, and I was going to be too busy to spend quality time with him.

So it was, upon hearing the seminar speaker recommend researching exhaustively, that I felt dangerously close to tears.

What am I doing? I thought to myself. Why am I even here? There’s no guarantee I’ll find a job after graduation. A master’s degree doesn’t equal a guarantee. Why am I doing this and missing all this time with my kids? Why am I doing this at my age? I have no right to be here. I’m too old. I’m not smart enough. Everyone else seems so with it. How much longer can I fake my way through this?

If I hadn’t already paid (and that was another thing, why did I waste this money that could have gone toward something worthier, like my children?), I would have dropped out. I continued to go to every class, feeling like I was losing my grip a little more week by week, growing ever closer to complete panic.

Then one day I walked into my International Communication class, and a fellow student asked if she could share a video. The professor agreed, and so it was that I watched something that changed my thinking.

The video was called “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are,” and it was a beautiful speech by Amy Cuddy about learning to understand your own abilities. It was very motivational, dealing with power poses and teaching yourself confidence.

The video itself put me in my place. But it was one line in particular that really struck me.

“Fake it until you make it,” Cuddy said, “and if you don’t, fake it until you become it.”

She was speaking of her own journey returning to school after a debilitating brain injury, but she was also speaking of a student she had advised who had come into her office ready to drop out because she just wasn’t smart enough to keep going in her program.

Seeing this woman, who had once been told her head injury was so great that college would no longer be an option for her, who had been told that she would be lucky to hold a job, speaking about her long battle to return to school, really hit me.

Here was someone who had fought a real battle. She had struggled for years to be able to return to school, and here I was whining about sixteen weeks? I didn’t even have a disability to overcome—except the power of my own negative thinking.

From that point forth, I decided that I did have a right to be sitting in that classroom. I did have a right to be enrolled in the graduate program, and I did have what it took to graduate. So I made myself a little list of motivators.

1. Give up attachment.

In my case, it was crippling fear, but in generalization, it’s attachment to any negative self-talk you have.

I attached fear to my enrollment in the graduate program, and it had been overriding everything and holding me down.

By giving up my attachment to that abusive inner dialogue, I was able to release some of that fear and anxiety I associated with school. I was able to look at it objectively by removing myself from it emotionally. I have to remind myself every day to hold onto that objectivity and release the fear, but so far it’s working.

2. Fake it until you make it.

This is obviously right out of Cuddy’s playbook, but she was right. When I started to pretend like I was just as smart as everyone else in my classes, I felt a little ridiculous. But after a couple of weeks, I started to realize that I had just as much to contribute as anyone else.

We’re all different people, so wouldn’t it make sense that we approached the class differently? Once I realized that different didn’t mean smarter, I was able to relax and actually absorb some knowledge.

3. Remember that nothing lasts forever.

If I had dropped out of the program, I obviously wouldn’t graduate. This stress is only temporary. When it’s over, I’ll have a master’s degree, and nobody can take that away from me. It will be worth it in the end, and I’ll be a stronger person for it.

4. Take it one day at a time.

There is no use holding onto stress and misery over something in the future. Do what you can today. Then repeat it the next day. But this moment is all we have. Seize it.

Am I magically a more well-adjusted, intelligent, and super-fun person as a result of all of this? Absolutely not. I still struggle almost daily, but it’s different now.

I know what I have to do, and I broke it all down into manageable pieces. I tell myself, “This is all you have to do today.” It truly makes a difference.

If you’re struggling over an obstacle in your life, remind yourself that all you can do is live in the moment you’re in right now. Don’t believe everything that you think. And you are good enough. We all have anxiety and we all have stumbling blocks. Think of them as inner strength boosters.

As for me, well, I’m halfway through. But that doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is today. And it’s a pretty good day.

November 17, 2013
How to Believe in Yourself in the Face of Overwhelming Self-Doubt

“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.” ~Honore de Balzac

You know what that voice in your head says…

You can’t do it. You’ll never be good enough. You’re going to fail.

This voice taunts you whenever you set a goal. It criticizes you when life gets difficult. It beats you down when you struggle to stand up against its running commentary.

You know you shouldn’t let self-doubt bother you, but it’s a sneaky critter. Sometimes, you just can’t contain it and it slips past your barriers.

And self-doubt is greedy. When it’s loose, it devours your confidence, strips logic and reason from your mind, and steals happiness from your heart. In return, it leaves you with only fear and insecurity.

You try to remove self-doubt by forcing yourself to “think positive,” which usually doesn’t work as well as you think it should.

The more you fight your self-doubt, the more it fights back. However, with self-knowledge and understanding, you can use self-doubt for your benefit.

A Story about Crushing Dreams and “Being Realistic”

When I was a child, I was in love with drawing. For me, drawing was as exciting as going to the playground.

At some point in my childhood, I decided I’d become an artist of some kind. But the critics in my life were quick to cut me down. I’ll bet you’ve heard the same kind of clichés:

“Art is great but not a ‘realistic’ future goal. While it’s a nice hobby to have, you can’t really make a living out of it. You’ll just be another starving artist.”

As children, we internalize these negative messages and parrot them back. If the adults say so, it must be true, right? By adulthood, every time we have a small hope, we’re the first to snuff it out: (more…)

January 8, 2013
How To Overcome Self-Doubt: 8 Tips to Boost Your Confidence

“Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.” ~Cicero

At one point or another, we all question whether or not we are doing enough, making enough money, or if we are going to be “successful” enough. I know this firsthand, as I’ve spent long periods of my young adult life in a persistent state of fear and self-doubt.

When I graduated from college, I worked sixty, seventy, even eighty hours a week in a corporate setting climbing the proverbial ladder. In my mind, I thought that was success, even though it wasn’t what I truly wanted for myself.

I held onto dead-end jobs, toxic relationships, and draining friendships because I thought that if I left them, I’d be a quitter.

I doubted myself to the point that I was making my decisions based on what others wanted of me, not what I wanted for myself. I was constantly struggling with confidence and always second-guessing myself.

What I’ve learned from my experiences is that if I don’t nip the self-limiting thoughts in the bud right away, this “woe is me” mindset can become debilitating.

I’ve discovered a few things that help with self-doubt and boost my confidence that may help you too:

1. Stop comparing your accomplishments to your friends’ and colleagues’ accomplishments.

I find that I doubt myself the most when I’m comparing what I’m doing with what other people are doing. When I compare my accomplishments to a colleague’s, I start feeling inadequate. Your colleague’s accomplishments are not a litmus test to grade your own success.

One key thing to remember when you find yourself in this mental pattern is that everyone is on his or her own journey.

I find that I am most successful in my personal and professional life when I am following what works for me and what makes me feel good, even if it is different from what someone I look up to is doing. (more…)

October 22, 2012
When You Fear Making the “Wrong” Decision

“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

For the past three weeks, I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to move to Korea for a year. Some days I’ve completely made up my mind to take the trip. I get excited about teaching myself Korean and spend hours and hours online learning about the culture.

Other days, I’m an emotional wreck, terrified that I’m making the wrong decision.

What if I get homesick? What if I’m supposed to be doing something else? What if I don’t like kimchi? What if? What if? What if?

And then there are those days where my mind resists all attempts to make any kind of decision at all. I’m immobilized, unable to push through the debilitating fear.

Being the self-reflective (over-analyzer) type that I am, I decided to dig deep within myself to find the root of this pesky little emotion that has been sabotaging my efforts to move forward, or in any direction, for that matter.

I realized that the issue isn’t about being afraid to go to Korea. The real issue is that I have an overall fear of making the “wrong” decisions in my life.

Interestingly enough, I also realized that this brand of fear directly coincides with my decision to live a more purposeful and spiritually centered life.

(Record stops.)

Huh? I embarked upon this journey hoping to find inner peace, bliss, rainbows, and unicorns, and I actually seem to be experiencing more negative emotions than before. Seems counter-intuitive, right?

Not exactly. (more…)

July 16, 2012
5 Steps to Deal with Self-Doubt and Trust Your Self Again

“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.” ~Honore de Balzac

A while back I began to feel out of sorts with my writing. It happened after coming down from the high of creating almost nonstop with my inner muse. I noticed that I began to feel down, like the feeling one gets after being at the amusement park when the excitement is over.

Creating and finishing my projects had been a wild ride. It was exciting and intense at times. But once done, an insidious feeling began to over take me.

My thoughts began to wander to “the dark side” questioning my abilities.

What if I can’t create something new? What if people don’t like what I have done?

Like after any expenditure of energy, there is always a lull. Lulls have been known to drain ones creative energy if you let them. I know from experience that if I let myself I can easily slip into a creative stupor.

When in that lull or in that space between creativity, it may seem like nothing is happening. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. We need that break.

When in this state I feel sensitive and quick to take things personally. I could just do nothing and give in to the disappointment when things have not gone as I have expected. Alternatively, I could use this as motivation, a starting point for another creative endeavor.

But self-doubt has a way of getting under your skin. For me I begin to feel an uprising of the “you’re not good enough” gremlins inside me when this happens.

I remember when this happened after something I submitted online was not accepted. It felt like a rejection. “Forget it then!” belted out a voice inside with the force of a 2 year-old having a tantrum when she doesn’t get her way. (more…)

April 15, 2012
Becoming Ourselves: How Powerful Decisions Shape Who We Are

“Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is.” ~H. Jackson Browne

I decided to have a homebirth late in my first pregnancy, well into the third trimester. All through the first six months I flip-flopped back and forth, first buying into the message that hospitals were safe for births and homes were not, and then feeling profoundly certain that the best environment in which to have my baby was at home.

The truth is, before I was pregnant I hadn’t thought much about birth. I started my birthing journey wanting to be in charge of how things went, to stay clear of drugs and medical interventions, and to walk away from the experience changed in a positive way. I figured the place in which this happened was secondary, so a hospital might be just fine.

But many of my friends came home from their hospital births just the opposite; they were traumatized by how the experience was wrenched away from them, and took years building back their confidence and pride around birthing their babies. It was clear to me that I didn’t want a scenario like that.

Along with deciding what I didn’t want, I needed clarity about what I did want, and why I wanted it. I turned my questions inward, closing my ears to the cacophony of indecision, and worked the questions until finally an answer appeared.

I began to see this first birth as a way to step more fully into my power as a woman, and I was hungry for that. I wanted to reconnect to primal wisdom, and to tap into strength I suspected lay beneath the surface but hadn’t ever experienced.

I wanted a birth that was empowering, transformative, and authentically mine. I chose homebirth. I said yes while still not knowing with certainty what it might lie ahead for me; my decision required both clarity and a leap of faith.

Once I made the decision, I felt different in my skin. In standing up for what I now knew I wanted at a very deep level, I walked a bit more upright and spoke with more conviction. Having my baby at home turned out to be the most powerful choice of my life. (more…)

November 3, 2011
20 Ways to Overcome Doubts

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~ Pema Chodron

Nine out of ten times when I feel paralyzed, it’s because I doubt myself.

Sometimes I doubt my knowledge—whether I truly know enough to move forward. Sometimes I doubt the choices I’ve already made, as if I can somehow find a sense of control in rehashing what I’ve done and deciding how to do it better in the future.

Other times I doubt my instincts. I think I know what’s right for me, but my mind decides to split and take sides, creating a nagging sense of internal conflict over what I actually want to do.

I’ve mostly dealt with this as it pertains to my dreams, and it’s partially because I’m terrified of doing the wrong thing and somehow ruining everything I’ve been working toward. I don’t want to say the wrong thing, or make the wrong decision and then have to take responsibility for the outcome of my choice.

It feels easier not to choose at all.

But what I’m learning is that there is no such thing as “wrong.” The only wrong choice is not making one. That’s not to say we’ll always create the outcomes we visualize. But maybe that isn’t the point.

Maybe the point is to learn to be less afraid of leaping, knowing that the net may not always appear, but the fall will never be far enough to do any lasting damage.

This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately as I stretch outside my comfort zone with public speaking. As a former loner, I don’t deal well with crowds in general, let alone crowds staring at me while I talk vulnerably and passionately about something I love.

The space between the stage and the ground always feels like a massive distance, both in the ascent and the decline. I can’t say for certain I will ever feel fully confident in the spotlight. I may always feel at least some self-doubt, but I can choose not to doubt the choice to stretch and grow.

Doubts are just an inevitable part of life. The important thing is that we act in spite of them. (more…)

March 31, 2011