Tag: divorce

5 Steps to Coming Back To Life After Hitting Rock Bottom
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~Nelson Mandela

Living through the past several years of my life has been a humbling experience. I guess I shouldn’t say I lived through those years. I existed.

Through those years, life threw me punch after punch. I suffered through public shaming and online bullying, was crippled for six months with devastating anxiety and depression, gained fifty pounds, lost a lucrative job, and saw my marriage crumble before my eyes.

I hit rock bottom, and I hit it hard.

The thing is, nobody ever tells you how to deal with extreme failure in life. I had no idea what to do, where to go, or who to talk to. My family knew I needed help, but I knew nobody could pull me out of this tailspin.

I had to do it myself.

Unfortunately, for four full years I did nothing. I let the punches hit me time and time again until I actually felt numb to them. I did the worst thing you could do; I came to expect the failures, and with that expectation I kept failing.

It wasn’t until recently that I started to wake up from the fog and realize that I had to take back my life. I did just that by going through the following five steps.

1. Feel the pain.

After the public shaming and online bullying, I took Xanax to cope. If you know anything about Xanax you know it numbs your feelings so you don’t have to feel them. At the time it was honestly a life saver, but I began to use it as a crutch even when the anxiety started to fade.

One day I finally quit the Xanax cold turkey just to see what would happen, and you know what? I lived. The drugged fog was gone and I started to feel life again.

Now, I’m not saying you should quit your medicine if it’s medically necessary. For me it was for a while, but once I could stand on my own I had to let it go in order to jump back into life. I immediately felt all the feelings I’d been hiding, from extreme vulnerability, to fear, to frustration and anger.

I was slammed with these feelings, and they swirled around me like bees ready to sting. But I knew they were honest and true and that somehow if I felt them and let them be heard, they’d go away in time.

And they did. For the most part. I still feel them every once in a while, but once I felt them fully, it’s as if they knew they had done their job and then left me alone.

Their job was to wake me up to something more, to a new path, and that’s just what they did.

2. Practice self-compassion.

After I gave myself permission to feel and face the pain, I now had to make peace with and accept what had happened to me. The one way I did this was by practicing self-compassion. This has nothing to do with increasing your self-esteem, by the way.

In her TED Talk titled “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion,” Kristin Neff explains that self-esteem can be detrimental, because it’s a judgment of whether you are a good or bad person in comparison to others. It creates a narcissistic attitude.

Self-compassion is very different from self-esteem, as it creates a compassionate attitude through relating to ourselves kindly, embracing ourselves as we are, flaws and all.

But, how was I supposed to move in to a space of relating to myself kindly when I’d gone through years of doing the opposite? I started a daily practice of nonjudgmental reflection. And I did this just by starting to reframe my thoughts.

Reframing our thoughts involves identifying negative thoughts and replacing them with more positive or helpful thoughts. If you have a negative thought like, “I’m not worthy of love,” you can do the following to reframe it:
- Ask yourself what activity or action led to that thought. For example, “I’m going through a nasty divorce.”
- Write down evidence that supports that thought. For example, “My husband said he didn’t love me anymore.”
- Write down evidence that doesn’t support that thought. For example, “I have many friends and family that love me.”
- Come up with a more positive thought. For example, “While I have struggled with this past relationship, that doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of love or will not find a loving, supportive relationship in the future.”
Reframing my thoughts is an amazing practice that not only allowed me to practice acceptance of what had happened to me, but allowed me to move forward with a more positive attitude.

3. Take responsibility for your life.

During these difficult years of my life I felt a lot of self-pity because I felt like life was happening to me rather than realizing I had given up control of my life. In fact, all the major decisions for my life were made by my husband at the time.

I gave up my power to someone else. Not a smart thing to do.

I had to take responsibility for my actions in life because only then was I able to change things for the better. If you take responsibility, you take control. You take control and your life can finally become what you want it to become.

One of the side effects of taking control was gaining freedom. I finally had the chance to make my own decisions and do what I wanted. It was scary at first having full responsibility of my life, but it opened my eyes to a whole new world I wanted to be a part of and it gave me options I didn’t know I had.

4. Find your home again.

When you fail, especially when you fail miserably, to return from that failure you must find your home again.

According to Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame, in her TED talk titled “Success, Failure, And The Drive To Keep Creating,” your home is anything that you love more than yourself. Your home is that thing to which you can dedicate your energies with such singular devotion that the ultimate results become inconsequential.

For me that was writing. Even though I haven’t found mega success with writing, it’s something that I’m driven to do and results are now inconsequential to me.

If people love my work, then wonderful, I’ve connected with someone. If not, that’s still alright with me because I just love doing it. It makes me feel alive again.

5. Share yourself with the world.

I decided not to keep my “home” to myself, even though I easily could have. I created a blog to share my work with whoever felt drawn to read it. It’s made me feel quite vulnerable again, but it honestly feels very good to share and I feel like I’ve come out of hiding and am being seen again.

And that’s the one big point I want to make. It’s important to share your “home” with the world because it’s your gift. Share it whether people love you for it or hate you for it, share it whether you’re a novice or an expert.

It will bring you out of hiding, out of self-pity, and out of self-loathing, because you won’t be focused only on yourself anymore. You’ll be focused on something external.

And the magical thing about sharing your gift is it will connect you. It will connect you to the world again, to the people who come in contact with your gift, to the people who get your gift, and most importantly, it will connect you with you again.

Man with raised arms image via Shutterstock
August 23, 2015
Lost Love: How to Survive Heartbreak and Seize the Future

“We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell

On top of the world at twenty-two.

That’s how I felt. I was twenty-two years old and in love for the first time. I couldn’t believe it.

I had come out of a lonely childhood and was beginning to find confidence as a young adult. I landed a secure job, bought my first car, and experienced a freedom I never felt before. Then this beautiful girl came along and took me to another level.

Little did I realize that just around the corner lay the numbness of loss, the feeling of helplessness, and sleepless nights as something magical just slipped away.

Love Found

When we met, we hit it off straight away. She was kind, sincere, and very attractive. We laughed at the same things, and as we grew closer, stronger feelings soon developed.

Falling in love was exciting. We had great times and lots of laughs. It’s hard to describe, but we clicked immediately. After about six months, I plucked up the courage and proposed. She said yes, and suddenly marriage was on the horizon.

Wow!

I spent all my savings on a ring, and we made plans for the future. People’s generosity overwhelmed us as we were adorned with engagement presents.

But as we organized the wedding, hints at secrets began to emerge. With little warning, plans crumbled. I spent night after night driving around in my car wondering what to do and how to cope.

Why did it go wrong?

It’s said that when you meet the “right person,” you’ll know. And we did … just know, or so we thought.

Love Lost

The catalyst turned out to be a friend of my fiancé. When the friend came from England on a visit, the tone of our relationship changed. I discovered that a marital affair had occurred between my fiancé and her friend’s husband long before I came on the scene.

Rather than lose her husband, my fiancé’s friend, with no knowledge of me, had come over to see if they could agree on an arrangement to live with the same man!

Now, I’m not old fashioned, but I was shocked. The offer didn’t attract my fiancé either, but it did change the atmosphere. For some reason I’ll never understand, my fiancé seemed to change. She became colder, and I obviously wondered if she still had feelings for this other man. We tried a few times to keep the relationship going, but it didn’t work.

It was a dark time of bitter recriminations and rumors.

Love Heals

Today I realize that the experience strengthened me. After a difficult eighteen months, I started developing a more positive sense that happier times could be ahead and that the future, the undiscovered country, could still hold excitement and happiness. We all have a choice to hold onto that belief or dwell in the past.

Love can cause pain, but it can heal pain too.

What we let it do is up to us. The following steps helped me through this painful period.

Surviving and Seizing The Future

1. Stay friendly, but give friendship time.

A split often results in one person hurting more than the other. Emotions are strong, and you’re feeling fragile, so it’s vital to avoid angry confrontations. Don’t try to convert the relationship into something else overnight. I tried a few times to rekindle a friendship with no success. It was obvious we needed to give each other space.

2. Don’t hide from favorite haunts.

As a couple, you probably frequented some places, and you’re avoiding those now to avoid the memories. Avoiding favorite places only creates conscious reminders and heightens the sense of loss.

Although difficult at the start, if you enjoyed particular cafes, cinemas, or beaches, don’t avoid them. Enjoy them, and create new memories. Although hard in the beginning, I continued to enjoy walking at a nearby lake, and eventually the reminiscing stopped.

3. Enjoy being a solo artist.

Separation can make you aware of how much you’re looking for happiness in other people. Take some time without a serious relationship and you’ll find yourself becoming more able to enjoy your own company.

As your self-confidence grows, your reliance on having a partner to enjoy good times diminishes. I enjoyed being single for over a year afterward, and this helped me in my recovery. It was better to let life unfold.

4. Keep the memories secure.

I regret destroying photographs from the time. Things happened, and burning pictures doesn’t change that. Store the photos away but somewhere safe (perhaps easier in the digital age—mind you they’re also easier to delete). When the time is right, go ahead and look because these were important times in your life, and you’ll want to revisit them sometime.

5. Let nature work.

As time passes, the hurt subsides naturally. You don’t need to do anything. No effort. No timetable. Just let nature take its course, and be sure in the knowledge that you will recover. Cry when you need too. (Yes, even if you’re a man!)

6. Keep an honest perspective.

It sounds like a harsh reality check, but if a relationship is not right for you, it’s not right for the other person, or vice versa. This realization will help you to come to terms with the situation and help you think about how the other person feels. Putting my fiancé first helped me realize she no longer wanted us to continue, and I came to terms with that.

7. Accept judgment.

People might judge you as you come out of a relationship. Don’t let people taking sides trouble you, and don’t feel you have to correct what they think. There will always be people who judge, but judgments only hurt us if we judge ourselves in response.

Instead of dwelling on what other people think, focus on finding peace within yourself and you will become stronger and more positive as a result.

8. Forgive and forget.

Never hold grudges or judge your ex-partner harshly if they were at fault. Nobody makes perfect decisions. It will be easier to forgive if you try to empathize with their situation.

My ex-fiancé came from a broken home, missing her father during her teen years. Perhaps she looked to others for love which led her to relationships that ultimately weren’t right for her. Most importantly though, when it comes to forgiving, start with yourself. Beating myself up only slowed down my recovery. It was only when I began showing compassion for myself that I could fully heal.

9. Look Into the future.

Think of all the possibilities that still await—new steps in your career, and new friends and experiences in life to enjoy. You often hear advice about focusing on the present moment. This is good advice, but during a relationship break-up, know that the present moment will pass. We both moved on and made a fresh start.

Love Now

The above was a rollercoaster ride with emotions on a high and then an all-time low. You can continually cross-examine yourself and feel emotionally drained. Could I have handled things better? Was there another way?

Four years after my story, I met a truly wonderful person. My wife and soul mate. It put everything into perspective, and after eighteen happy years, we’re still madly in love.

As for my ex-fiancé, all I know is she is married with children and I hope very happy. You see, the end of one relationship might just mean moving closer to the beginning of a new one, and the right one. You never know when love strikes, so if you have lost recently, don’t give up, believe in yourself, and take each day one at a time.

Your soul mate is out there looking for you right now.

Broken heart image via Shutterstock

July 9, 2015
9 Ways to Release Your Limiting Beliefs So You Can Find Love Again

“The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.” ~Deepak Chopra

The end of my marriage was a life-shattering event that rocked my world and made me question my existence.

My breakup led to a full existential, spiritual, and personal crisis.

After putting the pieces back together, I feel like I’m ready to love again.

It took me a long time to feel open to another relationship because I was stuck in the past, replaying the story of my former relationship over and over again in my mind.

I also held a set of disempowering and limiting beliefs that prevented from moving on.

Some of the sabotaging thoughts that I had to confront included:

I’m broken.

I thought a severe heartbreak led to a permanently broken heart. The wounds were so deep and heartbreak so heavy that my ability to love someone else was broken forever.

No one will ever love me again.

After my last breakup, I thought I was done. I felt rejected by one person but it felt like that one person represented all women and I wouldn’t find someone else. Ever.

I have nothing to offer.

I believed my heart muscle was used up and my capacity to love was depleted. I felt like there was nothing I could give to anyone else because I had given everything I had.

There must be something wrong with me.

I believed the harsh comments my ex made about my character, shortcomings, and behavior made me an unworthy person. There must have been something wrong with me because she knew me so well. I’m no innocent bystander here; I said my share of hurtful words and am sorry for them.

I’ll find the same kind of person again.

I believed a future relationship would bring more of the same struggle and pain. I’d continue to attract someone like my ex or find myself attracted to someone like that again. Once again, we’d have the same kind of fights and challenges.

There’s no one out there for me.

After my last relationship, I came up with a mental checklist of values and traits I wanted in a future partner. I believed the exact person I was looking for likely didn’t exist, and that meant there was no one out there for me.

I’m a failure.

I had failed in picking the right partner before and failed in the relationship. And I had failed in a few other things as well. In fact, my beliefs caused me to believe that I was a failure in all parts of my life. And as a failure, I wouldn’t be able to meet anyone new. Who wants to be with a failure?

Love is too painful.

After my painful, soul-crushing breakup, I would have preferred to walk through a lion and tiger-filled African safari than get into another relationship. I wanted to play it safe and not take a risk on love again.

It’s dangerous to be vulnerable.

In my last relationship I’d put myself out there, revealed almost everything about myself, and placed my heart in another person’s hand. I’d been as vulnerable and open as I could be with my previous partner. But now, after heartbreak, I didn’t want to be open or vulnerable again. I wanted to build large walls to protect my heart so I wouldn’t have to bare my soul again.

As you can see, I dealt with a full can of worms of negative thoughts and disempowering beliefs.

If you have similar beliefs because of a breakup, you know that it’s virtually impossible to meet new people and start over again in your love life.

Here are nine ways to set aside your limiting beliefs and open your heart to a new relationship.

1. Recognize your limiting beliefs and know that they stem from your past experiences.

You only believe these things now because of what happened in the past. Beliefs are based on your subjective experience; they can be changed or seen through a different lens.

2. Remind yourself that the past doesn’t equal the future.

What happened once can be seen as a teaching experience so you’ll know what to avoid in the future. You are wiser now; your past doesn’t have to repeat itself. You can grow from failure and disappointment.

3. Challenge every limiting belief you have about relationships.

When you think a disempowering thought, like “all relationships lead to pain” or “I’ll never find love again,” challenge it. Come up with reasons why those thoughts are not facts.

If you look around you at friends and family, you’ll find strong relationships that work. Relationships that are filled with commitment, love, kindness, and mutual respect.

You’ve also likely experienced positive and love-filled relationships in your life. Remind yourself of what’s possible in a loving and wholesome relationship.

4. Spend less time focusing on your heartbreak and the negative beliefs you’ve developed because of your past.

Focus more on yourself. Take care of your health by eating better and exercising more. Be more compassionate toward yourself by taking more time off and getting more sleep. Commit to becoming the best version of yourself by working on your confidence, overcoming your fears, and following your dreams.

Do work that brings you joy, surround yourself with supportive people, and create a zone of positivity around you.

5. Strive to live more in the present moment by letting go of thoughts about the past.

When thoughts and feelings about the relationship come up, don’t cling to them. Acknowledge that your mind is pulling you back to the past and wants to drag you through a cycle of pain and sadness.

Simply acknowledging what your mind is doing will help you be more conscious of its tricky ways. Watch those thoughts pass by like clouds passing in the sky.

It will help to focus on the task at hand. If you find your mind drifting back to the relationship, just come back to what you were doing before your past popped up.

6. Look for love all around you.

What you focus on tends to show up in your life.

If you look at pain and struggle in the world, you will see more of that. If you search for heartache and loss, you will find that.

If you keep focused on doing work you love, spending time with people you love, and engaging in activities you love, you will be in a much better place to invite romance into your life.

7. Become more loving and kind to yourself.

Become the kind of person you desire to have a relationship with. Work on the qualities that prevent you from being the kind of person you’re capable of.

In order to become more loving, I had to let go of the ego, anger, and resentment that clouded my life.

I had to take stock of my life and reflect upon the way I showed up in my relationship. I also had to take responsibility for my shortcomings .

I realized that I had to reign in my anger, check my controlling behavior, and wash my ego with more love and compassion.

8. Cultivate more positive views of love.

Try affirmations, meditations, journaling, and other practices to help you shift your beliefs about love. Interpret events that happen to you through a new framework of love—not the old framework of heartbreak.

When someone calls you or wants to take you out for dinner, think in terms of the possibilities of a new relationship, not all the things that can go wrong.

Instead of thinking “here we go again” with new circumstances in your life, remind yourself that you have the opportunity to show up more wisely and with a more open heart.

9. Find the courage to be open to love again.

Take small steps to trusting someone, sharing with someone, and opening your heart to someone new. If you’re overwhelmed by the gravity of a new relationship, take it slow and build trust in that person over time.

I’ve come to learn that relationships can be our greatest spiritual assignments. Even if the worst happens, you’ll be growing and learning as a person.

A broken heart can lead to an open heart. And an open heart is fertile ground for a stronger and deeper love.

It’s not too late to set aside your resistance to love and your limiting views of relationships to find the person who’s just right for you.

Do you have lingering negative beliefs about love? Please share them in the comments below and let me know what you’re doing to work through them.

May 28, 2015
Rediscovering Yourself and Rebuilding Your Life After Loss

“He who sits in the house of grief will eventually sit in the garden.” ~Hafiz

My life has fallen apart around me.

I ended a five-year relationship with a man I thought I wanted to marry, quit a full-time office job with no further prospects, and moved back to my tiny hometown to live with my parents.

All of these transitions occurred within the same week.

I was twenty when I met my boyfriend, and he was twenty-eight. We spent every waking moment together, dating for four-and-a-half years and living together for two. This time was punctuated with moments of bliss; however, I was often filled with doubt about our future.

Small betrayals had left me co-dependent, with low self-esteem. Toward the end of our relationship, I was suffering beyond measure. I lacked fulfillment in my first salaried job, and our tiny, decrepit apartment was void of nourishment.

I quit my job first, giving no notice and leaving a resignation letter on my boss’s desk. A week later, I moved all my things from my boyfriend’s house while he was on vacation.

He returned to a half empty home. I was shaken to the core with grief and guilt.

Two months later, I am still wading through an overwhelming depression. Despite an aching loneliness for my former life, my heart is overflowing with more love and gratitude than I thought possible.

In this personal rock bottom, I finally understand the meaning of abundance.

My friends showed up, offering me places to stay if I needed. My family showed up, supporting me in my financial crisis. Old flames showed up to rekindle and reflect deep love.

My creative practice showed up to heal wounds inflicted through years of betrayal. Music has become sweeter, more soulful, and longing with reverberations of the human condition. Nature has become a solace.

I find myself slowly reaching closure in all forgotten aspects of my soul. Alone and without distraction, I have been forced to unlock the closed doors of my psyche, full of dusty memories, ignored desires, and misplaced dreams.

I am picking up the pieces of the identity that I lost in the whirlwind of relationship compromises, job obligations, and money-based motivations.

I am finally rebuilding an identity based on trust, love, and compassion for others and myself. I am holding space for the tender parts of my soul, patient and yet full of longing.

The hardest part of this transition has been a lack of consistent emotional intimacy and losing all financial “security.”

Despite my rapid mood swings through grief and joy, I sense stability approaching. I feel the upswing coming, the point in my life where I transform into a more positive, full expression of myself. In the elimination of all the old experiences and situations that no longer serve me, I am reborn.

I understand the metaphor of the caterpillar that turns into a butterfly. My molting has begun.

Dear reader, take heart.

If your life is falling apart around you in any capacity, please trust the process. Through the darkest nights of your soul, a light shines forth.

Only through these heart-wrenching challenges can we grow and develop spiritually and emotionally and become more fully who we were meant to be.

After loss, we have an opportunity to reinvent our lives and ourselves.

All the patchwork dreams I wove while in my grief are finally coming true. I have been traveling to new places. I am falling in love again. I am rekindling my fondness for oil painting. I signed up for a ceramics class at the local community college. I am starting to think about a graduate program for art.

These are all things I formerly felt were far from reach, but since radical change and loss, I am finding my true identity and fulfilling myself.

If your depression and grief takes you to places of fear, confusion, and loneliness, please hold space for those feelings and allow them to wash over you like water. These turbulent emotions will pass. Tomorrow is a new day, with new opportunities.

Be patient. Change takes time, especially positive changes. You must work the compost before growing the flowers.

Train yourself to pay attention to the small things. I notice all these things now.

A light rain soothes my aching heart. A call from a friend reminds me that I am not alone. A warm meal nourishes my spirit.

Sometimes, all it takes to recover from loss is awareness of life’s small treasures. New opportunities for change and development present themselves every day.

Grieve, and the garden will begin to grow beneath your feet.

Woman silhouette via Shutterstock

March 25, 2015
The Key to Loving Yourself, Other People, and Life

“Has it ever occurred to you that you can only love when you are alone?” ~Anthony De Mello

I was sitting in my therapist’s waiting room when I looked over at an assortment of books sitting on the coffee table. One caught my attention right away: The Way to Love, by Anthony de Mello.

“This looks like something I should read right about now.” I giggled a little with that thought.

I was, after all, sitting in a psychotherapist’s waiting room because he was the only thing keeping me from a nervous breakdown. My marriage was falling apart and I felt so utterly lost. Perhaps a book about love would help me navigate this painful period of my life.

I finished my session and hurried home to my iPad. Within seconds, the book came alive on my screen. I perused the chapters at first but stopped dead in my tracks on page 137:

Has it ever occurred to you that you can only love when you are alone? What does it mean to love? It means to see a person, a thing, a situation, as it really is and not as you imagine it to be, and to give it the response it deserves. You cannot love what you do not even see.

“This makes no sense at all! How can I love only when I’m alone?” I put the book down.

I had no idea what De Mello was saying, but that first sentence stayed in my mind and heart.

Then came some alone time. A lot of it.

For the next two years, I lived in solitude. My days were filled with meditation, long hikes in nature, writing, introspection, and at times, a deep loneliness.

I accepted all that life was bringing me. I embraced the hours upon hours of silence and no human contact. In fact, this solitude was self-imposed.

The disintegration of my marriage had brought some ingrained subconscious patterns to light.

In the past, whenever life sent something painful my way, I would take refuge in my outer world—friends, bars, alcohol, sex, traveling. They all served as distractions because I was deeply afraid of looking inward. My inner world seemed too complex and dark to even touch.

Yet, distracting myself with things on the outside hadn’t protected me from pain. In fact, I finally realized the opposite was true: life always mirrors your internal environment back to you.

If you want to keep your pain, anger, and darkness hidden, life will bring you painful, angry, dark events.

It’s really that simple.

With that realization, I decided to resist the temptations that often follow a break-up, hence my self-imposed solitude.

I didn’t move to the jungle. I still saw family and some friends. But I made a conscious decision to spend the majority of my days alone, in silence.

And then one day I got it. I understood what De Mello said in that book. I was living it.

Solitude had taught me how to love, and with an intensity I never thought possible.

I learned to love from the inside out. And that love took three forms.

Love of Myself

Self-love came first. I had always used people or things outside myself to sustain my dismally fragile self-esteem. Being alone forces you to look inward and see what lies in your inner world.

Make no mistake: this can be a difficult and painful process.

But seeing and accepting your inner world is the only way to love the glorious being that dwells beneath all the mental layers.

This may take some time, and it may bring a swirl of emotions to the surface. That’s okay. Just let them be.

Let it all see the light of day, without judgment. No matter what lies in your inner world, always remember to put your hand on your heart and tell yourself “I love you.”

We’re all trying the best we can at any given moment. Cut yourself some slack and let go of the “could have, should have…”

See your inner world. Accept everything that lies within, without judgment. Through it all, put your hand on your chest and tell yourself “I love you.” That’s it.

I realize that seeing and accepting our inner world may not be easy at first. For me, the trick was daily meditation.

This quieted my mind significantly. Since it’s the mind or ego that judges, once the internal chatter calmed down, it became easier to use my awareness to see the beauty of my heart.

For you it can be different. Perhaps your mind quiets down with exercise or a walk in the park. Just remember: a quiet mind is the foundation for self-love.

Self-love then becomes an internal light that you shine in all directions as you walk through life. And that is how you end up loving others.

Love of Others

Even with all that alone time, I still managed to fall in love again. This time it was different. Because I loved myself, the love I could give another was purer, stronger, and completely unconditional. I loved without attachment.

I also felt a different love for my family and friends. I began to love people for who they were. I loved them in freedom.

Loving people without attachment was a monumental milestone for me. It was the process of self-love that had enabled me to reach this milestone.

In learning to love myself, I realized I used people as emotional crutches in order to sustain my sense of worth.

Once I recognized this pattern and sat with the temporary guilt it elicited, I began to feel lighter. The lighter I felt, the more I loved myself. And the more I loved myself, the more I loved others.

I no longer needed them. I was now standing on my own, without crutches. In this newly found independence, there were no conditions. My happiness no longer depended on what others did or said.

Without crutches, your hands are free to extend to others. And that’s really what it means to love without attachment.

Love of Life

Solitude showed me the beauty of the present moment. I realized how life was glorious, intense, and alive!

The little moments became memorable. Seeing a bird fly or a flower bloom was a miracle. Because I no longer focused my attention on mental drama, I could experience the fullness of life.

Experiencing this fullness meant that I trusted life. I knew that what came to me was there for my evolution.

Loving life meant that I loved everything that came my way.

Can you learn to love without being physically alone? Yes. Fortunately, solitude can be experienced without running off to a deserted island!

You can experience solitude in your heart. That is essentially what De Mello was referring to in his quote. In my experience, solitude is a synonym of non-attachment.

Experiencing solitude in your heart means that you do not depend on anyone or anything in order to bring you happiness or love. You live with the knowing that what you may desire from another is always available to you.

What you may desire from the outside world is already within.

This knowing is then naturally reflected in your outer world. You can live solitude in your heart while surrounded by people.

And it is this solitude that ultimately allows you to genuinely love. Love yourself. Love others. Love life.

Love image via Shutterstock

March 24, 2015
The Most Important Thing to Ask Yourself After a Breakup

“The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” ~Ralph Blum

Divorce. Not an activity that I ever had on my to-do list and not something I contemplated when I got engaged in Paris. Who does?

We’ve all heard the statistics that one in three marriages ends in divorce. Yet this is something that happens to someone else and certainly not a possibility to focus on while skipping down the aisle.

People change or they don’t, as the case may be. Unless both parties are exceptional communicators, it can be challenging to stay on the same page as time passes. The meltdown of my relationship was such a surreal experience and not something that I could have prepared for.

The vision of the future, with my husband playing a starring role, was completely shattered. All those plans, expectations, and assumptions were no longer relevant. That delightful man, once my best friend and lover rolled into one, was suddenly behaving like an unpleasant stranger.

It was the shock of this new situation each morning that brought me back to the reality that the present moment is the only guarantee. That concept was no longer a platitude but something that was agonizing and raw. The feelings of failure and betrayal were overwhelming.

Months of an avalanche of painful emotions brought me back in touch with deep self-inquiry. Yet another life experience to show me that the relationship with myself was the only guaranteed long-term relationship. Cliché as it sounds, the breakdown of my marriage was a breakthrough I’d been seeking.

I was forced to examine where we had been applying a Band-Aid solution to cover some deeper problems. This grieving processing of letting go of this man cracked me open and forced me into deep vulnerability. It was time for me to bring the focus back to me and ask myself some big questions.

Who am I outside of this relationship?

What’s important to me?

How do I suddenly stop loving him? (Is that even possible or necessary?)

When did I become so out of touch with how I feel?

How can I fulfill my own desires and potential?

Is there anything in my life I have been putting on hold?

What is best for me now?

Some of the answers to these questions were extremely painful to acknowledge. In the eleven years we were together I had been so focused on whether or not he was happy that I had forgotten to focus on making myself happy, to a degree.

A wise lady said to me, “Don’t worry about whether or not he’s fulfilling his potential. The question you need to ask yourself is, are you? That’s the only potential you can do anything about.”

However, I will always be grateful to my ex-husband for this soul contract. Divorce was my doorway to enter into a sacred partnership with myself.

It forced me into the unpleasant realization that I was very out of touch with my own needs.

I felt unsatisfied in my career, unsure as to whether I wanted to have a child, and unclear about my direction. I was regularly frustrated by how indecisive he seemed and yet he was a wonderful reflection.

I was far too focused on him and it was a perfect distraction. His actions forced me to examine my own levels of denial about my part in our relationship.

There I was, judging him for being dishonest, and yet I had not been honest with myself about being unhappy for a long time. How was that fair to him or me? We all know the answer.

I share these insights in the hope that you do not wait until a health crisis occurs or a relationship ends before you create a more loving relationship with yourself.

It is impossible to experience true intimacy with another if we are ignoring the needs of our own heart. How can we truly be with someone if we are avoiding ourselves?

So often in our intimate relationships, we are focused on what the other will provide in terms of emotional support. It is easy to point the finger, blame them for being disappointing and letting us down. Yet, are we willing to commit to ourselves?

Life is short and fragile, and we never know whether today is our last day. Bringing ourselves deeply back into our hearts allows us to choose our next steps from a place of self-love.

Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and ask yourself this important question: “What do I most need from me right now?”

It can take time to recover from the end of a long-term relationship and readjust to these life changes. I spent a long time processing painful emotions that arose and sadness I felt while adjusting.

There was deep self-reflection, even resulting in spending time at a retreat in Brazil. I stripped my life back to the bare essentials, withdrew from much socializing for a long time, and began to reacquaint myself with myself. I began to reinvest in the relationship with my own heart rather than seeking love from someone else’s.

The more we nourish ourselves, the more able we are to share this love with others from a place of surplus and not deficit. This brings such freedom and joy, both to ourselves and others. Is it time for you to commit to self-love?

September 29, 2014
3 Signs It’s Time to Break Up

“Celebrate endings, for they precede new beginnings.” ~Jonathan Lockwood Huie

There was an incessant doubt deep inside that wouldn’t subside. It followed me everywhere—through the good times and the rough times.

By “good,” I mean things were okay. They were never great, ecstatic, wildly passionate, and deeply connected.

I tried to escape it, block it out, ignore it, and pretend this nagging feeling would eventually disappear.

But my heart wasn’t skipping a beat. The spark had long disappeared. I never had butterflies thinking about him. I felt myself slowly withdrawing.

And I couldn’t figure out why was this happening.

He was a wonderful man in so many ways. He treated me well. I knew he loved me. I knew he wanted to be with me. There was nothing drastically wrong with our relationship. Everything was okay with us.

I didn’t understand. I wanted to feel differently. It would have made my life so much easier.

So I contemplated. I stayed. I tried to focus on the great things about him, and us, in the hope I’d fall more in love and it’d all work out.

But it didn’t. Things didn’t change for me. That feeling was there for a reason. We really weren’t right for each other in the long term.

I agonized over what to do for months and months. Should I stay and ignore my feelings? Should I go and potentially make a massive mistake?

After much soul searching and going back and forward in my head, I finally found my answer. It broke both of our hearts but I had to trust my intuition and end it.

This experience taught me so much about myself and what I need and want in love.

I learned that when it comes to relationships, things don’t always make logical sense, you can’t force chemistry, and sometimes a breakup is the only answer.

Here are three ways to know when it’s time to break up.

1. You just know in your heart it’s not right.

This was me above. I couldn’t explain it in words; I just felt it in my bones.

I knew I should feel intensely drawn to him. I should want to spend way more time with him. I should want to share all of myself with him. I should want to make future plans with him and look forward to seeing him.

But I didn’t. And I couldn’t change it no matter how hard I tried.

I just couldn’t feel the way about him that I wanted to. And nothing I did could force that.

It was my gut, my instinct, my heart, my intuition trying to tell me that it just wasn’t right. He wasn’t “the one” for me in the same way that I wasn’t his “one,” either.

There wasn’t anything “wrong,” but the connection I desperately craved was missing. He didn’t light me up and make me want to be a better person. I didn’t feel how I wanted to with him.

This situation is difficult because you can’t always explain or articulate why you feel the way you feel.

But it’s so important to trust yourself. Those feelings are your navigation. Your truth. And when you listen, life gets so much easier and you open the channels right on up for greater love and happiness.

2. You’re miserable more often than you’re happy.

Do you spend more time fighting, arguing, and feeling annoyed and disappointed than you do enjoying, loving, and growing with one another?

I’ve been here too. And at the time I thought it was normal. So I put up with it. I kept trying to make it work. I was convinced the fighting would eventually stop if I could be everything he wanted.

But this isn’t normal, and we were definitely not right for each other. It shouldn’t be this difficult (especially in the beginning).

Of course, every couple disagrees at times, and that’s normal. But it’s how you communicate and navigate these differences that can make or break your relationship.

If you constantly push each other’s buttons and find there’s always tension between you, something’s not right.

If you try to sort out your issues (whether just between the two of you or by seeking help) and you still find yourself miserable more than 50% of the time, it’s a sign this relationship isn’t healthy.

Really, you should be happy together more like 90% of the time!

It’s time for bigger, better, happier, more loving times. You know what you need to do.

3. Your values, morals, and beliefs are misaligned.

Do you and your partner have different ideas and plans for money, marriage, children, religion, travel, family, work, and life in general?

Of course, all of our ideas and opinions aren’t always going to be exactly the same. That would just be weird and boring.

But is there a mountain of differences or even just a few big ones that make you really uncomfortable?

This is tricky to navigate. You might find that for a while you’re both able to come to a happy compromise or in the beginning of the relationship you can avoid those big contentious issues.

But I promise you they won’t go away. They’re going to shine bright at some point or another, and if both of you feel strongly about the topic it’s going to make your relationship extremely difficult.

Years ago my long-term (ex) partner wouldn’t even entertain a conversation about marriage or having children. After a couple of years together this was a huge warning for me that he didn’t see our relationship progressing much further for a long time.

I wanted something completely different than he did in life, and it was so important to me to be able to at least discuss these things. It made me realize we really weren’t right for one another. It was time to walk.

To be happy, comfortable, and growing in a relationship, you both need to be on the same page. You need to feel understood, accepted, and heard. When there are differing views on important life topics, this becomes almost impossible and can be difficult to resolve.

When you want the same things and feel similar ways about important issues couples are faced with, your relationship is so much more harmonious, connected, and easy.

So you’re going to want to think long and hard about whether the two of you are really compatible and what kind of differences you’re okay with.

If there are too many to count or you just find yourself butting heads about critical issues that you both refuse to compromise on, it’s time to go your own ways.

—

Many say that relationships are hard work. This is true to some degree. There will always be tough times that test you both and ask for compromise, but I truly believe that the majority of the time relationships should bring joy, inspiration, and happiness to both of you.

This is when you know it’s real. It’s right. It’s love.

Things aren’t meant to be hard. You’re supposed to support, encourage, and love each other, not constantly struggle with one another or question things.

I know breakups aren’t easy. They’re just as heart breaking for the person ending it as it is for the partner on the receiving end. And the wounds take time to heal.

But if you’re continuously unhappy, seriously, what’s the point? You really are better off alone or with someone who brings you true joy.

So go ahead and trust your heart and your own instinct. You know deep down what the answer is and where your truth lies.

Be brave. Know that the pain will go and more joy will come. Do what you need to do to find real love. It’s always, always worth it.

September 24, 2014
Dealing with a Relationship Crisis: How a Little Distance Can Bring You Closer

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to go forward.” ~C.S. Lewis

When you’re in the middle of any sort of relationship crisis, the very last thing you want to do is let go. Conflict with someone you love often makes you want to do the very opposite, especially when the other person is already doubting the future of the relationship.

When we’re feeling threated by the loss of someone we love, we act from a place of fear. Our stress hormones sky rocket as we react with our fight or flight instinct. Suddenly we hold tighter, talk more, do more, and think of nothing else.

However, with a little space and hindsight, it is easy to see this sort of intensity around a negative situation only works to amplify the anger and resentment that both parties being feel.

When you are mid-crisis and fighting though, it is very hard to see that the very thing you are doing to try and resolve the situation is actually making everything far worse.

When I packed my toddler in the car and drove away from my husband six months ago, I fully believed I would not be returning. I honestly thought that if it had become so bad that we had to separate, that we would not ever reconcile our problems.

To my surprise, it was the act of letting go that allowed us both some space to re-evaluate our relationship, and helped us to finally realize that none of our disagreements were worth losing our family for.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that any of it was easy. It was ugly and dark and messy. It took us both to rock bottom, and to a place we never thought we’d come back from.

But it was this very darkness that forced us to focus on our own thoughts and actions rather than our external conflict with each other. Looking at ourselves was exactly what we needed to start viewing our arguments from each other’s perspective so we could finally move past them.

For me, the process of grieving the loss of what we had in our relationship shone a light on all of the things I had done to contribute to us falling apart.

At first, this was in an angry and disparaging way, but as I realized I had to start looking after myself in order to move forward, I saw the need to own my own part in what had happened, without negative judgment.

Realizing what I had done wrong was empowering. It gave me the opportunity to approach my partner in a new way. And it was clear from his response that he had been doing some very similar soul searching in the time he spent on his own.

When we started to reconnect, we came from a place of understanding and love, rather than resentment and hurt. As you can imagine, this drastically changed our interactions. And rather than spiralling into our past negative cycle, we were able to create new positive experiences to share.

Even now, this mindset is one that requires conscious effort to maintain. It’s too easy to get caught up in the negative annoyances that pop up when you are so close to someone, so we have to work hard to make sure we don’t allow ourselves to get stuck in that cycle again.

Especially when we’ve both hurt each other badly in the past, it would be all too easy to keep dragging that up with each petty argument that arises.

But we’ve both been to that dark place, and the feeling of losing something that we value so much remains a reminder of why we work so hard to maintain what we have. Why it is important to always speak from a place of love, not a place of hurt, annoyance, anger, or, the amplifier of all, exhaustion.

While the drastic step of separation is exactly what helped us reconnect, it didn’t need to go that far.

If only we’d had the awareness to step back from each other and view our relationship from a place of love, rather than fear, we may have been able to save ourselves the incredibly painful experience of letting go.

Instead of grasping, fighting, and reacting (all fear based responses) and focusing on our own pain, we might have been able to use love to see and understand the hurt that the other person was feeling.

Rather than continuing on our negative spiral of conflict, focusing only the wrongs that had been done to us, we needed to step back and be honest with ourselves about our own roles in the relationship conflict.

We both needed to realize that our own behavior is the only thing we can control, and it was our own actions that needed to change to move us to a better place.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing, isn’t it?

So, if you have been fighting and reacting from a place of fear in your relationship, try stepping back and giving yourself some space to look at the real issues.

Give yourself the distance you need to view the conflict from a place of love and give yourselves the chance to find your way back to each other, without having to let go.

Divided couple image via Shutterstock

August 18, 2014
Find Yourself Before You Find Love

“Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

After a few years of living through the betrayal and anger of my divorce, my friends decided it was time for me to start dating again.

They took me out to the bars, dressed me up, bought me drinks, and showed all the men how cute I was.

I didn’t feel cute. I felt like a fraud.

The bar scene was not for me. I felt like a piece of meat wrapped in cellophane on the shelf waiting for a man to decide which one he’d like to eat.

I dressed up in my newly skinny body and looked the part of the fun loving girl, but inside all I felt was desperation.

I put on makeup so men would think I was pretty.

I exercised so my body would look good for others to gaze at.

I smiled and giggled so men would think I was fun and funny.

I didn’t feel fun, funny, pretty, or like I wanted to be looked at. I felt scared.

I kept grasping at a portrait of who I wanted everyone to think I was. I so wanted to be this picture perfect representation that I thought men wanted. I wanted a man to like me so I could feel loved and validated.

I finally realized my imaginary self-portrait was who others wanted, not who I wanted to be now. I was not being true to my new self.

So I trashed the portrait, went home, and got my act together.

I wanted to find love again but not like this. Not by picking up someone in a bar who was looking for love in all the wrong places, just like I was doing. I needed to learn to love myself, because no one else could do it for me.

I wanted to find love by knowing who I was. Then I could find someone who complemented me. So I stopped going out and started to learn who I was, what I wanted in life, and what I deserved in a man.

What I did learn from speaking to men in bars is that real men want real women. I decided to learn how to be real. Learning how to be real would require some investigative research on my part. I had lost myself in my marriage. It was time to find me.

I decided to step out of my proverbial box. I had to try new things and figure out what activities I liked, and which ones I needed to stay away from.

I traveled to developing countries. I had my palm read and visited a mind reader. I went kayaking, took up road biking, hiked on volcanoes, rode zip lines through the rain forest, joined book clubs, learned to meditate, I found out what tai chi was.

I started to visit international restaurants. I went to museums and hung out in coffee shops. I got my yoga teacher certification and started to teach. I tried things I had always wanted to do but never could while I was married.

I had fun. I learned that I favored Thai food over Italian food. I learned that I can ride thirty-five miles on a bike and love it. I learned things about me I never knew.

I stopped wearing most of the makeup I had worn thinking it made me look good so men would like me. Instead, I decided to look good for myself.

I stared at myself in the mirror and told myself over and over that I am beautiful, even though I didn’t believe it. The more I told myself I was beautiful, the more I began to feel good about myself.

I wanted my beauty to be defined by my self-confidence, which began to return when I started to truly believe in what I began to represent.

I started to dress the way I wanted to felt, not the way I wanted to be looked at. I wanted free flowing clothes that I could move in. I wanted to be able to feel my body, not the clothes pinching me.

I started to exercise because it made me feel good, not so I would look good. I accomplished both by doing what I wanted for me, not for them. I found exercise that I loved to do. I increased my yoga practice and kept on walking. I took up rowing and increased my biking.

I stopped going to bars to meet men. Instead, I went to the occasional bar to hang out with friends and to be social.

I stopped looking at men as the answer to my problems and started looking at myself to solve them.

I realized I needed to know what my interests were if I wanted to attract a man who shared them.

When I learned what I liked, I became happier than I had ever been before. I learned to be true to myself, not someone else.

I realized that I had been incomplete without the self-knowledge required to define my own boundaries, my likes, and my dislikes. Without knowing what my boundaries were, I could never attract a person into my life that could live within them. I had never known how to define and stand up for my own beliefs.

When I felt confident with my new self, I joined a dating site. I was far more aware of the kind of person I wanted to attract because I knew who I was.

Writing my profile specifically for what I wanted and how I wanted a man to treat me was far better than telling someone to take me on a romantic date, when I couldn’t define what I thought a romantic date was.

So get on with it. What are you waiting for? Get out there and experience life. Find out who and what you are. Live life by yourself. Be happy by yourself. It’s your life; make it what you want. Don’t look for someone else to do it for you, because they can’t. Only you can know who you really are.

July 8, 2013
When Love Is Not Enough: 4 Tips for a Strong Relationship

“Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience and two people who truly want to be together.” ~JnK Davis

My husband and I were going through a difficult time a few years ago. It felt like a pivotal time in our relationship. People say that marriage isn’t easy and you have your ups and downs. Well, we were definitely experiencing a low point.

We had been together for several years; we had been high school sweethearts and were each other’s best friends.

During this time we had several issues going on in our life, one of which was my husband being out of work, and suffering with anxiety, depression, and a lack of self-esteem and confidence as a result. Our relationship was in a bad place and we were being tested.

We were not spending any quality time together, nor were we going out together as a couple (my husband didn’t want to face anyone, including friends and family).

We didn’t feel like each other’s friends, let alone the lovers and best friends we had grown to be. At times we even felt like strangers—or even worse, each other’s enemies. We were forever fighting, bickering, and whining at each other.

After a lot of heartache and many heated arguments, we realized we could no longer go on like this. When we stopped to analyze the situation, we asked ourselves several questions:

Did we still love each other? Did we still want to be married? Had everything changed so much that we just couldn’t work things out?

Once we decided we wanted to be in our marriage, we each made a commitment to start treating each other differently.

We hoped that, with a new perspective and our mutual love and respect for each other, we could start working together and make the change we so desperately needed. We hoped that a change in attitude and behavior would salvage our marriage.

The following four elements became very critical in our relationship and led to us saving our marriage, as well as making it stronger for the future.

1. Communication.

During this rough period we stopped communicating clearly. It’s funny how, as human beings, we withdraw from each other when there is a sign of trouble or misunderstanding.

We decided to consciously work on our communication. We spoke in “I” statements rather than “you” statements.

We expressed how we felt rather than blaming a situation on the other person. “I” statements work because they show how you feel, whereas “you” statements create a sense of accusation and blame.

This helped us be open with how we felt, stopped us from shutting each out, and allowed us to talk about our issues in a productive and efficient way.

2. Appreciation.

We were feeling a lot of resentment toward each other, and not feeling loved and appreciated, so we put in place a daily appreciation diary. Keeping a personal gratitude journal is a great asset; it makes you focus on the positive in your life and leads to happiness.

Keeping a gratitude diary as a couple had the same benefits and gave us hope. It forced us to focus on the positives of the day and not just the negative events or what the other person did or didn’t say. It made us appreciate the other person and see them for the person we fell in love with.

It also made us feel good to be acknowledged and appreciated for what we had done on a daily basis. It helped to hear the other person say thank you, even though we were being thanked for doing our expected roles—me, for going to work full time and my husband, for taking over the home duties.

It was important for us to hear the gratitude from the other person so we didn’t feel like we were being taken for granted.

3. Quality time as a couple.

It was also helpful for us to schedule quality time with each other—getting out of the house and spending time together away from all the issues of our life; taking the step back and just being with each other.

It’s important to set some time aside to just be a couple; spend quality time together regularly, but especially during hard times. This doesn’t need to involve money; just a walk down the park together or along the beach will help. Just taking yourself out of your home environment will be beneficial.

We enjoyed each other’s company once again and started to feel more happiness as a couple.

4. Showing love as the other person wants to receive it.

We both still loved each other, but didn’t really feel that we were loved. I’ve read books and articles about how people receive and give love differently. Your partner may not perceive love in the same way as you; and remember, someone’s perception is their reality.

How your partner receives your love is important. You can’t assume the other person knows that you love them.

For myself, I feel loved when people spend quality time with me, making the effort to talk to me and listen. My husband, on the other hand, receives love by affirmations, people giving him compliments and positive statements.

With this in mind we made an effort to show each other love in ways that we knew would make each other feel loved on a regular basis.

By doing all of this we started to feel like we were in a loving marriage and that weren’t battling through our difficult life on our own. We had each other there for the support we needed.

We look back on this time as a lesson learned. We feel proud that we got through it and grateful that our relationship is stronger. We faced the challenge and came out on top.

We now practice these simple things every day to grow together and maintain a good and loving relationship.

We can be confident that by using these simple techniques, we can face the many challenges life throws at us together, such as having a miscarriage last year and our ongoing quest to start our own family.

If you are fortunate enough to share your life with someone you love, then you owe it to yourself and your partner to make an effort every day in your relationship.

They say love conquers all and that all you need is love, but unfortunately a solid relationship needs more than that. It requires being there for each other, showing support, feeling loved, being grateful that you are sharing your lives together, and above all, showing your appreciation every day.

Photo by Jeanne

May 30, 2013
You Have to Know What Kind of Love You Deserve to Attract It

“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

My ex used to stomp out of the house every time we had an argument.

Literally, he would leave. And usually before he left he’d smash something. One time it was a lamp; another time it was a cast iron skillet and the tile floor it landed on.

He would stay away for about an hour, driving his sports car really fast to let off steam.

I know this because when he returned, he’d tell me that his sports car helped him deal with the frustrations I caused him.

I frustrated him.

I didn’t mean to frustrate him. I certainly didn’t mean to make him angry.

All I wanted to do was talk. I was having a problem and I was under the impression that people in a relationship were supposed to solve problems by discussing them.

But somehow, our discussions would turn into arguments.

And maybe a third of the way through the argument, I would have no idea what the initial discussion was about. The conversation would have turned so many corners that I’d need a map to get out. And the argument would usually end by me not understanding his feelings.

It was very confusing to me.

I found it hard to maintain a civil conversation when I wasn’t even sure what we were talking about. (more…)

January 15, 2013
Letting Go and Starting Over When It’s Hard

“Letting go isn’t the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a new life.” ~Unknown

This June marked twelve years since I got divorced and moved 1,000 miles away from my hometown. It’s an anniversary that I usually remember, but not one that I tend to dwell on… until this year.

This year, the memories of the demise of my first marriage were hovering at the forefront of my mind.

Maybe it’s because I saw a friend who is roughly the same age I was, going through similar hard decisions. Maybe it’s because my spouse and I were struggling to make a hard decision about an external relationship that isn’t going well.

Whatever the reason, it caused me to reflect on what I’ve learned in the last decade or so.

My ex-husband and I met in high school, when we were seventeen, and had been dating for seven years when we got engaged.

I think on some level we knew, even then, that we shouldn’t get married, that things weren’t that great, but people were starting to ask, and everyone (including us) assumed that we would get married. So we did what we were “supposed” to do.

Things were okay for a little while, and outwardly we seemed happy. Inside, however, things were crumbling. We kept trying to put the pieces back together, but every time we tried to hold tighter, things dissolved into another argument, each cutting more deeply than the last.

By the end we barely spoke, each retreating to separate rooms for the evening. Eventually, I got up the nerve to call it quits. He agreed, and for the most part, the split was amicable.

Honestly, I think my decision to move away was harder for him to accept than the divorce. Maybe because it made things seem more final.

So here I am, twelve years later, older and hopefully wiser, looking back at that time in my life and thinking… (more…)

July 1, 2012