Tiny Buddha

Tag: distance

  • Before You Reach Out to That Person from Your Past: 3 Things to Consider

    Before You Reach Out to That Person from Your Past: 3 Things to Consider

    “You don’t have to rebuild a relationship with everyone you’ve forgiven.” ~Unknown

    It’s natural, when you’re hurting and lonely, to want to reach out to people you’ve been close to in the past.

    Especially if there’s unfinished business with someone. And especially given the added isolation that comes with a global pandemic.

    Whether or not you do reach out is entirely your prerogative. For what it’s worth, I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad idea to try—in most cases, a “Whoops” is better than a “What if…?” Whatever the result, you’ll learn something. It might be an unpleasant truth, but it’ll help you, one way or another.

    But, before you draft that text message, or email, or even pick up the phone, I also believe there are three things to consider:

    1. Why are you reaching out? What’s really behind your impulse?

    If you’re only doing so to take the edge off your loneliness, think again.

    If the relationship with the person you’re thinking of contacting has broken down, there’s probably still some hurt there. For them and for you. Contact will re-open that wound.

    Perhaps a long time has now passed, and any pain is vastly less profound than it once was. But let’s not kid ourselves—if things got so bad between the two of you that you haven’t spoken for months, things are pretty bad. There’s going to be something there.

    The benefits of reaching out have got to outweigh the possible hurt that comes from doing so. And the only way that can happen is if you genuinely miss that person. In short, the person, and that relationship, has got to be worth the pain that might initially come from speaking to them.

    So, ask yourself, honestly, do you really want to speak that person? Is it really them you miss, or is it just the connection you once had with them?

    Are you, in fact, just lonely?

    If, upon reflection, you realize it is just solitude prompting you, don’t reach out. It’s really not fair to either one of you. The pain won’t be worth it. It can’t just be about you, or what you’re currently feeling; the other person has to genuinely matter to you.

    Don’t let them be collateral damage in your war against solitude. Because that’s all they’ll be, a casualty.

    Your loneliness will pass. Like desperation or the need to get something off your chest that feeling is, in most cases, a temporary one. It will abate. And, when it does, so will your need for that person.

    I’ve been on the receiving end of this more than once, and it’s not nice.

    A former partner once contacted me out of the blue. It had been a turbulent relationship; during the time we’d spent together, our lives had both been raging dumpster fires, and we’d never been able to quell those flames adequately enough. Eventually, our relationship was consumed by them. But I still felt there was still something there. Despite the final rites having been administered, I knew I had never truly given up hope.

    Initially, I was beyond happy they’d reached out. I didn’t know if anything could be salvaged, but I was willing to try.

    However, after a short time, I knew my hopes were unfounded.

    A few days after we began speaking, this person began to drift away. They even told me directly that they weren’t feeling desperate or lonely anymore, but I had already guessed that; their waning interest was obvious in the way the messages started drying up, in the manner in which they suddenly avoided the big topics, which we’d freely discussed up until that point.

    I had served a purpose, and I had taken an edge off whatever they were feeling.

    And once I had, I was let go again—I was no longer needed.

    Because it had never been about me; it had been about them and what they were temporarily experiencing.

    I was hurt but not indignant; I’d done it myself before, and it’d be hypocritical to damn them.

    But, overall, there wasn’t a good enough reason to have those wounds re-opened. Reconciliation is a long, painful process; it can’t be built on loneliness. It only works if both people genuinely want to reconcile and be back in each other’s lives.

    If you’re in the same boat, try to find a healthier way to feel connected. I know, I know… loneliness is vile, debilitating. And not an easy thing to tackle. As someone who has battled loneliness for a long time, I am in no way denigrating the devastating impact it can have on your mental health.

    But being aware that you are lonely is a good first step in doing something about it. Knowing that you don’t really miss a particular person, that you just miss people per se, is a foundation. It’s something to build upon.

    However, if you’ve seriously thought about this, and it is genuinely them you miss, then there’s something else to consider…

    2. What do you want to achieve by reaching out?

    In the same way you need to be clear about your reasons for reaching out, you’ve also got to have a firm idea about what you want to achieve.

    It’s okay if all you want to do is try and re-establish contact with the future hope of reconciliation; there doesn’t have to any grand, overly complex plan in place beforehand.

    But there does need to be something, some sort of objective. And it’s got to be realistic based on the relationship you had. If it was a fundamentally unhealthy or codependent relationship that took more than it gave, then expecting all of those flaws to be resolved in one message is simply ludicrous.

    Perhaps you simply want to see if there’s a chance that something has shifted, and that there’s a glimmer of repairing the damage. It’s a small something.

    And you need that something.

    If all you’ve got is, “I don’t know; I don’t know what I want to achieve,” then it is probably the loneliness talking, or another random impulse, and stepping back is the right thing to do.

    Don’t jump into this with no idea about what you want. There’s going to be some hurt, some pain—think about what you hope to achieve by (potentially) re-opening this particular wound.

    If you’ve done that, and the answer works, then there’s only one more thing to consider…

    3. You might not get the response you want.

    Although you might view that past relationship and the other person involved through rose-tinted spectacles, they may not view you and the relationship in the same way. Just because you’re feeling conciliatory, it doesn’t mean they do. They might be perfectly happy with how things are, thank you very much.

    Plus, if it’s someone you haven’t spoken to for some time, you won’t have a clear idea about what’s happening in their life. There’s a global pandemic unfolding around us—people have lost livelihoods and loved ones.

    Your message may arrive while they’re in the middle of dealing with something huge. A message out of the blue from you may be the last thing they need.

    There’s also the simple fact that people change. Not many, but some of us do. And that can be confusing.

    Again, I was recently on the receiving end of this.

    And, again, it was that very same former partner.

    Time had passed since our last abortive communication. And, by this stage, I wasn’t so amenable to their approaches. I still had feelings for them, but those feelings had changed, mutated, in line with the work I’d done on myself in our time apart.

    Simply put, I’d moved on.

    As a result, I now saw that person completely differently. Whereas there was once a deep affection, now there was a solid realization that my own mental well-being was better for having removed them. The sad truth was that I just didn’t miss them anymore.

    Sometimes you need someone from your past to re-emerge to show you how much you’ve changed. I was very aware that, six months earlier, I would’ve been much more open to their words. I simply wasn’t any more; I was happy with how things were.

    The affection (or connection) was gone, and I just wanted to keep moving on.

    I couldn’t give them the answer they wanted, and they didn’t take it well. It wasn’t the happiest of experiences, but it did teach me that this was something to be aware of if the roles were ever reversed.

    If you’re not feeling strong enough to face a response that isn’t overflowing with kindness, a flat refusal, or worse, no reply at all, don’t do it. You’ve got to embrace the possibility that this isn’t going to go as planned.

    And you’ve got to be in a place where you can emotionally deal with that rejection.

    If you are, it might be worth the risk. If you’re not, don’t do it.

    —

    These are strange, lonely times. Reaching out may seem like an entirely natural thing to do. Maybe you’ll get the chance to rekindle an old relationship.

    Or maybe you’ll discover that the relationship truly did die a long time ago.

    It’s always worth taking the risk, but make sure you truly want to, and that you’re prepared for any response, good or bad.

    Reaching out—it can be a chance to reset a relationship, or to deliver the final rites. Both of which can be useful, and you might learn something invaluable.

    Most of all, paradoxically, it might give you both a chance to finally let go.

    And that’s something always worth doing.

  • Feel Hurt in Your Relationship? How to Get Your Needs Met and Feel Closer

    Feel Hurt in Your Relationship? How to Get Your Needs Met and Feel Closer

    “The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.” ~Deepak Chopra

    I used to handle hurtful situations in relationships the same way. I’d get angry, shut down, get irritated, or just give my partner the silent treatment. This just led to more of what I didn’t want—separation, loneliness, and frustration.

    So one day I made up my mind. I was going to change my approach and try something different. Cause we’ve all heard that famous saying from Albert Einstein: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

    I was tired of not getting the level of intimacy in my relationships that I longed for. I was tired of feeling alone, frustrated, and separated from my partner, especially during the moments when I felt most hurt.

    It all turned around in one single moment.

    People think that change happens incrementally over time, but in my experience it’s often a defining moment in time where you make a new decision that changes everything.

    Turning Separation into Intimacy

    Let me take you back to this moment… I was upset, lying in bed next to my partner. Earlier that evening we had attended a birthday party, and my partner’s ex was there. Truth to be told, it made me jealous.

    Looking back, I had no real reason to be jealous, but that’s the innate nature of jealousy—it’s never rational, it’s emotional. On instinct, I handled the situation as I always did when I felt jealous, inferior, or threatened. I shut down, got irritated and cold, and gave him the silent treatment.

    “What’s the matter?” my boyfriend asked for probably the hundredth time that evening. (Have you ever been in a situation where your partner asks you the same question over and over again, and you repeat the same answer over and over again, secretly wishing that he’d read your mind?)

    “It’s nothing,” I replied with a cold tone, and turned my back on him. That’s where I started to ask myself what was really going on. What I realized was this: At the core, I was not really angry, upset, or irritated. I was hurt and afraid. I felt exposed and rejected.

    So I made a new choice there and then. I told him what the situation was really about: me not feeling pretty enough, not lovable enough, scared that he would choose someone else and leave me. And believe me, it was extremely scary to be vulnerable and expose myself in that way. I was way outside of my comfort zone, but it was truly worth it.

    When I dared to communicate honestly from my heart, I received what I needed: love, connection, and confirmation. This shift that I made during the conflict changed everything and made us, as a couple, closer than ever before. It opened up the door to a new level of communication and intimacy.

    Today, instead of pointing fingers at each other, we always try to take responsibility for our own thoughts, actions, and emotions. To stay honest and vulnerable, even when the stormy weather of negative emotions desperately tries to separate us and impose conflict.

    Assuming you’re in a healthy relationship with someone who would never intentionally hurt you, you too can turn conflict into deeper intimacy and not only feel closer to your partner, but also better meet your needs. Here’s the process that I follow to turn hurtful situations into intimacy:

    1. Stop and notice your emotions.

    The first step is to become aware of your emotions. Just stop and catch yourself when you feel hurt, angry, disappointed, jealous, irritated, lonely, etc. Don’t beat yourself up for having those emotions. To become aware of them is the first vital step in the process.

    For me, it was feelings of jealousy, irritation, anger, and separation that came over me.

    2. Ask yourself what story you’re telling yourself about the situation.

    What thoughts and beliefs do you have? It’s often very helpful to write down your story. The story in your head generates the emotions in your body, and it’s therefore crucial to become aware of your specific story.

    In my case, the story was the following: “My boyfriend still has feelings for his ex. He’s mean and doesn’t respect me. I don’t want to be close to him. I want to punish him and make him suffer. Also, I knew it; I can’t trust people, they always leave and hurt me.”

    3. Scrutinize your story.

    The stories that we play in our minds are often influenced by past memories and experiences. And they tend to trigger strong emotions, which makes us blindfolded; we aren’t capable of acting or thinking rationally.

    So, what we need to do is to scrutinize and question our story. Is this really true? Do I know for sure that this is the way it is? What are guesses, assumptions, and projections, and what are the actual facts?

    In my case, I had very few facts. My boyfriend had not left me, nor had he said or done anything that implied that he had feelings for his ex. When I scrutinized my negative and destructive story, I realized that there was little evidence to support it.

    4. Identify the root cause.

    Ask yourself what it’s really about. What are you not willing to see or feel that needs to be seen or felt?

    In my case, the root cause was me not feeling pretty enough, not lovable enough, and scared that he would choose someone else and leave me.

    This can be a tough one, but give yourself some love and credit for being brave enough to acknowledge your shadow. It’s key to be kind toward yourself, because this stage requires vulnerability. Trust me, the reward of doing so is immense!

    5. Reveal your true needs.

    When you know the root cause, ask yourself: “What is the underlying need that is not being met right now?” Is it to be loved? To feel connection? To feel special and significant? To feel safe? To tell what your heart is experiencing?

    Also, separate the needs that stem from fear and the needs that stem from love.

    Instinctively, I would have answered that I needed space and some time alone to think and reflect. That may sound rational and sound, but that was only my ego trying to avoid facing the real issue and pain. That only increased the distance and separation between me and my partner. To help you navigate this and to find the real, underlying need, ask yourself, “Is this need based on love or fear?”

    For me, the underlying needs were love and connection. I needed to feel my boyfriend’s love and presence. What I desperately longed for was a hug from him. A sincere hug that made me feel safe and seen. A loving hug that ultimately made me feel loved, significant. and special.

    6. Dare to be vulnerable with the other person.

    “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” ~Brené Brown

    If this is a person that you truly want in your life, that you like a lot or love, then you have to take the risk of being vulnerable. You have to open up and tell the other person what you really feel. But really take time and contemplate this one. Not everyone deserves your vulnerable communication.

    I know that this can be very scary. The first time I did it, I stumbled on my words and I wasn’t able to look my partner in the eye. That’s how scared I was. But I did it anyway. And the reward was huge.

    So take a deep breath and speak your truth, tell the other person how you’re experiencing the situation right now, and dare to express your real underlying need(s).

    7. Take responsibility and own your thoughts and feelings.

    See the situation as an opportunity to acknowledge what you need to work on in life. See it as an opportunity to get closer to yourself and other people. Most importantly, don’t expect others to fix you.

    On my side, I realized that I have a hard time loving myself. But that was not my partner’s problem to fix. At the end of the day, I had to find a way to love myself, with or without his love.

    —

    Next time you are in a situation where you feel hurt, stop and reflect. Use the steps outlined above to move from separation to intimacy with the people you love.

    And remember to be loving and kind to yourself while you do it. No one is perfect, and you show courage by even wanting to look at the situation from a new angle. So stay curious and compassionate toward yourself and others. You got this!

  • Sometimes You Just Need to Distance Yourself

    Sometimes You Just Need to Distance Yourself

    Distance yourself

  • 3 Steps to Making an Intimate Relationship Work

    3 Steps to Making an Intimate Relationship Work

    Couple Silhouette

    “True closeness respects each other’s space.” ~Angelica Hopes

    It was a Friday, the workweek had ended, and I was excited for my boyfriend to come home. (Okay, I’m talking about an ex-boyfriend—these steps took me time to implement…)

    I’d gone grocery shopping and had two steaks to grill, with asparagus and a bottle of wine chilled.

    I heard the garage door and the dog ran to meet him. I knew he would drop his briefcase and come to the kitchen to give me a hug. Then, he would take off his shoes and find the couch to decompress for a few minutes.

    But I couldn’t know prior what mood he’d be in—no way to predict before that ten-second greeting if he’d had a hard day and would need some space or if he was ready to be close.

    And vice versa. He could have found me cheerfully setting the table or on the couch instead, watching Housewives on Bravo, curled up in a blanket.

    I have to admit that I’ve had a lot to learn about relationships. And it’s all because at times I wanted to be close, and at times I needed distance.

    Depending on where I was within my own self-security, I could be terrified of entrapment or at times wanted to dissolve in another.

    We all want closeness in varying degrees. And depending on daily life circumstances, we want different things.

    Yet, at times we act out certain patterns in our various needs for security in our relationships:

    We can be anxious: We can cling, be needy and dependent, or complain. We grasp, wanting the other to relieve our fear of abandonment, loss, or rejection.

    We can be avoidant: We can push away, shut down, criticize, or refuse to communicate. We find other things to put our attention on to come between us and our relationships.

    We can be ambivalent: Depending on how we feel, we can flip between anxious or avoidant—all due to the uncertainties of intimacy. We either crave closeness and grip or cut off, perhaps unconsciously.

    And lastly, we are secure: We feel safe in closeness and also have loving boundaries when we need space for ourselves.

    Oh, how I’ve wished my MO were more secure at times. But in truth, it’s normal and natural in relationships to be anxious, avoidant, or ambivalent. We’re human. And it takes practice.

    There are also those wonderful, easy moments of self-security shared.

    I was having lunch with two friends of mine who are married. She was away on business a lot of the time. He was visiting her on one of her trips to New York City. It was understood that on some days she would be working and on the days she wasn’t, they’d be doing fun things together.

    They showed up to the lunch irritated. As a bystander, it was easier to observe.

    He was frustrated because as they were having coffee that morning, she was catching up on her social marketing on her phone. He wanted quality time with her. After all, he’d flown in to see her.

    She was frustrated because she felt like he wasn’t having compassion for the small things she still needed to do for her job. Besides, they’d just had two days together, touring around New York City.

    What I saw was the simple pattern: She needed some space. He wanted closeness.

    But then he said to her, “If I knew you were going to be on your phone, I would have gone to the gym instead.”

    It seemed he wished he had taken care of his own needs. He didn’t really mind that she needed to do some work—he was actually regretting not grabbing some time for himself.

    I learned so much from that lunch, watching them. It reminded me of times I wanted to be close and have some space after being close for a while, but didn’t know how to ask for it and how guilty I could feel about it.

    Here are the three steps to create a relationship that works:

    1. Recognize when space or closeness is needed either in yourself or in your partner.

    2. Gently communicate your needs and respect the other’s desire.

    3. Compromise by seeing the dance of space as an energy trade. If you pushed away last, perhaps you could make an attempt for closeness. Or if last time you asked for closeness, it’s your turn to offer space.

    It’s also important to realize that our partners may not be able to give what we need all the time and to accept that.

    I couldn’t depend on my ex-boyfriend to always come home from work relaxed, happy, and excited to see me. Nor could he depend on me either.

    But what I can depend on is being aware of my needs and communicating them, lovingly.

    Honey, I need closeness. 

    Babe, I need some space.

    Aside from communication, there’s also an inner responsibility:

    If we tend toward anxiousness, the trick is to rest in the discomfort of spaciousness without needing someone else to complete us and fill it with our own self-nurturing instead.

    If we lean toward the avoidant, the trick is to be aware of our fear of closeness and open. To take a risk to receive, soften our heart and let love in.

    Obviously, there are relationships where there is too much dependency or too wide of a gap—where the other is no longer present. When this happens, therapy is a good thing. (Haven’t I known it!) 

    There’s this story about a horse in a large field. He has his favorite place grazing in a corner. If you put a fence around him, nine times out of ten he bucks up. If you take the fence down, chances are you still find him peacefully chewing in his corner.

    The same goes with relationship.

    One two three, one two three, we waltz. You step forward. I step back. But in each other’s embrace we dance.

    How might you offer your beloved a sense of closeness or some space today? How might you get your needs met on your own regardless?

    Couple silhouette via Shutterstock

  • Making Love Last, Even When It’s Long-Distance

    Making Love Last, Even When It’s Long-Distance

    Couple

    “Love as much as you can from wherever you are.” ~Thaddeus Golas

    At the time I’m writing this article, I have been in a relationship for 1,369 days out of which 716 have been long-distance.

    Yes, I keep track of the days, not just the months or the years, because I live every day, not every month.

    I will not pretend the long-distance part has been an easy journey; and anyone who has dabbled even for a little bit in the idea of long-distance relationships can tell you that it takes a lot of love, but more importantly it takes a lot of faith and courage.

    My boyfriend and I met in the most casual way at a friend’s fundraiser in a club in Times Square. It wasn’t love at first sight; it was laughter at first sight.

    He only knew one person there and everyone I knew was mostly busy organizing everything, so we ended up laughing and talking the entire night. That was the beginning.

    Life kept us in New York for a while, then took us to Los Angeles, and then took him even father away to a whole new country and continent. Yet from the moment we met, there was this invisible purple string that always kept us connected across continents and oceans.

    Along this journey of faith and courage, I’ve learned a few things that have kept our relationship going strong even through the most challenging times and have made the purple string unbreakable.

    Some of them are directly related to the long-distance challenge and others are just about being in a relationship.

    1. Physical distance doesn’t automatically mean emotional distance.

    Yes, you will have somewhat separate lives, but making an effort to still have a life together makes all the difference. Making an effort to share our lives, our victories, our sad moments, and our celebrations sometimes made the distance seem shorter.

    2. The little things matter even more.

    All those little things that we all do, especially at the beginning of a relationship, matter even more now. The “happy morning” text messages, or wishing each other good night, reminding each other that how much we miss and love each other. And going even beyond that: sending flowers and love letters, randomly calling just to say “I love you,” preparing little surprises.

    3. Making time for each other.

    It’s easy to get carried away with daily life and activities and not even realize the last time you actually spoke in person or saw each other on FaceTime. Make time for it, a sacred time every week that’s just for you, a time when you’re not rushed or tired, a time that makes sense for both time zones and make that your date night.

    Chances are, if you have a hectic schedule or if the time difference is too big, that date night will be different every week, but make sure it still happens and make it into a real date: have a meal together, talk about your lives, do all the things that make you happy with the other person.

    4. Challenging each other and doing things together apart.

    Find something that you both enjoy and do it together apart. For us, it was these crazy home workouts.

    We started them at the same time, we’d keep each other accountable, we’d compare results, victories, the good days and the bad days, we’d bring each other up on the days when we didn’t feel like working out and kept on track because it was something we did together. It also got us in incredible shape.

    5. There will be fights. Don’t worry.

    Conversations over the phone or text always have the extra challenge or not actually seeing the body language of the other person. We receive 55% of information through non-verbal cues and body language, so you can imagine how much can be missed in a phone conversation.

    Sometimes you will feel like hanging up the phone; try not to. If you think you might say something that you will later regret, ask for a short time out, take a little time to breathe, come back to yourself and continue the conversation. Don’t leave things hanging.

    6. Be kind and reassuring.

    There will be moments when either one of you or both of you will lose faith, you’ll doubt the mere viability of the relationship, you’ll doubt your courage, their courage, your love and their love. When you see your partner lose faith, remember it’s not about them losing faith in you or the love you have it’s about distance getting the best of them.

    7. Offer information.

    As people we tend to fill in the gaps when we don’t have enough information. Don’t let your partner just fill in the gaps; offer them the information they need. Since distance bends the rules of normal relationship, maybe offer a little more than you think it’s necessary.

    Tell your partner about new friends and co-workers, talk to them as if they actually know them and you’re just sharing your day.

    8. There’s an infinity in a moment.

    Never ever waste a moment together with fighting or focusing on negative things. Your moments are your infinity, and they will live in your heart as a moment repeated over and over again.

    You will relive those little moments so many times. What do you want to relive? A quiet morning full of love and light, a last stolen kiss at the airport, or a silly fight over random things? Most of the times, you won’t even remember the moment; you’ll just remember the feeling, so make that infinite moment worth it.

    9. Last but not least, love unconditionally.

    Unless you can give it your all, love with every last cell of your body, your relationship will crumble under the weight of the distance, the string that holds you together will stretch so far that it will break. Unconditional love is the only thing that reinforces the string over and over and never lets it break.

    Love is always a journey, and it just so happens that our journey took us from one coast to the other and then across another ocean, but no matter where life takes us, the purple string that holds us together will always reach.

    It’s a journey of love and faith, and most importantly a journey of courage, the courage to believe in love.

    Couple silhouette via Shutterstock

  • Dealing with a Relationship Crisis: How a Little Distance Can Bring You Closer

    Dealing with a Relationship Crisis: How a Little Distance Can Bring You Closer

    Break Up

    “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to go forward.” ~C.S. Lewis

    When you’re in the middle of any sort of relationship crisis, the very last thing you want to do is let go. Conflict with someone you love often makes you want to do the very opposite, especially when the other person is already doubting the future of the relationship.

    When we’re feeling threated by the loss of someone we love, we act from a place of fear. Our stress hormones sky rocket as we react with our fight or flight instinct. Suddenly we hold tighter, talk more, do more, and think of nothing else.

    However, with a little space and hindsight, it is easy to see this sort of intensity around a negative situation only works to amplify the anger and resentment that both parties being feel.

    When you are mid-crisis and fighting though, it is very hard to see that the very thing you are doing to try and resolve the situation is actually making everything far worse.

    When I packed my toddler in the car and drove away from my husband six months ago, I fully believed I would not be returning. I honestly thought that if it had become so bad that we had to separate, that we would not ever reconcile our problems.

    To my surprise, it was the act of letting go that allowed us both some space to re-evaluate our relationship, and helped us to finally realize that none of our disagreements were worth losing our family for.

    Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that any of it was easy. It was ugly and dark and messy. It took us both to rock bottom, and to a place we never thought we’d come back from.

    But it was this very darkness that forced us to focus on our own thoughts and actions rather than our external conflict with each other. Looking at ourselves was exactly what we needed to start viewing our arguments from each other’s perspective so we could finally move past them.

    For me, the process of grieving the loss of what we had in our relationship shone a light on all of the things I had done to contribute to us falling apart.

    At first, this was in an angry and disparaging way, but as I realized I had to start looking after myself in order to move forward, I saw the need to own my own part in what had happened, without negative judgment.

    Realizing what I had done wrong was empowering. It gave me the opportunity to approach my partner in a new way. And it was clear from his response that he had been doing some very similar soul searching in the time he spent on his own.

    When we started to reconnect, we came from a place of understanding and love, rather than resentment and hurt. As you can imagine, this drastically changed our interactions. And rather than spiralling into our past negative cycle, we were able to create new positive experiences to share.

    Even now, this mindset is one that requires conscious effort to maintain. It’s too easy to get caught up in the negative annoyances that pop up when you are so close to someone, so we have to work hard to make sure we don’t allow ourselves to get stuck in that cycle again.

    Especially when we’ve both hurt each other badly in the past, it would be all too easy to keep dragging that up with each petty argument that arises.

    But we’ve both been to that dark place, and the feeling of losing something that we value so much remains a reminder of why we work so hard to maintain what we have. Why it is important to always speak from a place of love, not a place of hurt, annoyance, anger, or, the amplifier of all, exhaustion.

    While the drastic step of separation is exactly what helped us reconnect, it didn’t need to go that far.

    If only we’d had the awareness to step back from each other and view our relationship from a place of love, rather than fear, we may have been able to save ourselves the incredibly painful experience of letting go.

    Instead of grasping, fighting, and reacting (all fear based responses) and focusing on our own pain, we might have been able to use love to see and understand the hurt that the other person was feeling.

    Rather than continuing on our negative spiral of conflict, focusing only the wrongs that had been done to us, we needed to step back and be honest with ourselves about our own roles in the relationship conflict.

    We both needed to realize that our own behavior is the only thing we can control, and it was our own actions that needed to change to move us to a better place.

    Hindsight is a beautiful thing, isn’t it?

    So, if you have been fighting and reacting from a place of fear in your relationship, try stepping back and giving yourself some space to look at the real issues.

    Give yourself the distance you need to view the conflict from a place of love and give yourselves the chance to find your way back to each other, without having to let go.

    Divided couple image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Lessons About Love and Long-Distance Relationships

    4 Lessons About Love and Long-Distance Relationships

    “Distance means so little when someone means so much.” ~Unknown

    People tend to think long-distance relationships are one of the hardest possible ways of loving someone. I live in one: As a young European, I am deeply in love with my African boyfriend who pursues his career in Asia.

    I met my love about two years ago. After dating for a few months and sharing a wonderful time in an Asian country, we split up, as he had many doubts about things that seemed to separate us. At this point in time, our differences seemed to be too wide to merge them into a happy, long-lasting life together.

    This period was very painful for both of us. After one year—when I had already returned to my home country—he approached me again, explaining how wrong he was, and asking for a second chance.

    I didn’t know what this implied, but my heart was saying wholeheartedly yes as I was confident the differences weren’t stronger than our love. My heart felt embedded in his, and I still loved him deeply.

    So we started fresh again—this time with an extreme distance between us.

    The first months felt easy, as the bliss of being back together melted the distance away. Even though different time zones and tight budgets influenced our ways of communication, it only mattered that we had found our way back to each other.

    We missed each other dearly; but there was a certain peace with the reality. I could feel him being on the other side, thinking of me and being in love with me. This was all I could ask for.

    However, I knew this serenity would come and go; frustration could kick in eventually and challenge us. Around one year and two visits later, the downsides of the distance did indeed knock me off. I missed my boyfriend during days and nights, and fear crept in.

    What if this would lead us only to a big disappointment? (more…)