Tag: destination

Stay in the Right Lane: Let Yourself Slow Down and Enjoy Life
“I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.” ~Diane Ackerman

Wow! My last weeks of my career. Though many days and weeks over the last thirty-four years have seemed to last forever, it truly is astonishing how fast time goes. And don’t we often try to make it go even faster?

Our jobs are stressful. We are often under tight time constraints and deadlines. We have clients and associates who want and need things yesterday.

We work in jobs we have very little control over. Add that to our daily responsibilities as parents, spouses, partners, friends, children to aging parents and—not to be forgotten—ourselves. It’s a lot.

Maybe you are like me. When I was younger, I too often:
- wanted to fast-forward to a new day, a new week, or a new season of life
- wished time away
- focused on that vacation that was months away
- couldn’t wait until my kids were older
- had my eye on that next job
- sought to get through tough circumstances I was facing, or
- desired to be where someone else was in life
What did it cost me? Memories and opportunities. I don’t remember many details of when my kids were growing up because I was always thinking ahead. I was not in the moment.

I missed opportunities to learn and grow because I was always focused on that next thing instead of learning what could help me in that next thing.

I missed all the beauty this earth has to offer because I was driving too fast.

It cost me time. I wished away something I can never get back. It cost me the fun of simply living life, my life.

It has taken me sixty-five years on earth to figure out how to make every moment count. And, if I’m honest, it’s something I must work at every day.

“Don’t focus on making each moment perfect, focus on the perfection each moment provides, be it a good one, or not so good one.” ~Jenna Kutcher

Notice that I didn’t say “make every moment happy, productive, or memorable.” Just make it count. Be in it. Live it.

There are many moments that aren’t happy. In fact, they can be downright sorrowful or exhausting. But, at the same time, they help shape you and enable you to grow.

I missed many good moments in my life because I was too focused on making the ending happy or perfect to enjoy what was happening right before my eyes.

A few years ago, my son and I met up with a good friend of mine. We started talking about our kids and what fun it was to go to all of their events when they were younger. I was pounding my chest by bragging about being at all of their events.

My son, to his credit, challenged me. He said I was there physically, but I wasn’t really there. He told my friend I was always on my phone, or otherwise preoccupied. He was right. I was there but I can’t tell you about the goals they scored, the amazing moves they made, or the songs they sang. It was like a dagger went through my heart. But it was true.

My dear friend Doug told me a great way he is trying to live right now. He said, “stay in the right lane.” I love that. We often want to get somewhere fast, so we pull into the left lane and zoom past everything to get to the destination.

I did that most of my life, in all areas of my life. As I start to live in the right lane, I am having an easier time being more in the moment. I am being intentional.

I start my day with a routine of praying, journaling, exercising, and setting my focus to not be on one or two things, but to be awed by the wonder of what I might encounter. I intentionally set aside days where I do not have a set schedule.

As I am more in the moment, I am experiencing all sorts of beauty, joy, amazement, clarity, purposefulness, happiness, and opportunity.

When you look at my photo library, you will see mostly pictures of bugs, birds, flowers, and trees from my walks. My mind has space to be creative and I am finding clarity on the things I want to do in this season of life, for me. My relationships are flourishing because I am actually there, truly experiencing another person.

Being present has also allowed me to see myself for more of who I am. I have often said I never felt I was good enough. I felt I had to do more in order to be enough. Now that I have more clarity on who I am, I want to do more, because I am enough. I realize that no matter what I do from here on out, I am good enough. Because of who I am, not what I do.

Many have asked what I will do in retirement. Like, retirement is the end, so how will you live to the end? I am looking at it more as a transition into the next leg of my journey.

I am going to continue to live in the right lane, enjoy every moment, create and experience new moments, and focus on the journey itself, not the destination. I plan to live as Laurie Santos puts it, “be happy in my life, and with my life.”

“The most dangerous risk of all…is the risk of spending your life not doing what you want, on the bet you can buy yourself the freedom to do it later.” ~Randy Komisar

So how do you do that? It isn’t always easy.

Have good self-awareness (know yourself and trust yourself). Be intentional. Make time for the people and things that matter. Make the time to think about what you really want in life.

And slow yourself down.
November 15, 2022
Searching for Your Next Step: How to Deal When You’re “In Between”

“A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery while on a detour.” ~Unknown

After finishing my master’s degree, I felt pretty directionless. I felt like I graduated with more questions than answers, and I really didn’t know what career I wanted, or where.

I figured I should take whatever opportunity came my way, so I accepted a low-paying teaching job in a foreign country, which didn’t work out for various reasons, and ended up leaving after only five months.

I came back to the U.S. the day before Christmas, feeling like a total and utter failure. I was unemployed, living with my parents in a sleepy midwestern town that I had sworn never to return to, with an empty bank account and over a hundred thousand dollars of student debt staring me in the face.

To add insult to injury, I almost immediately contracted the flu, which turned into pneumonia, and was essentially bed-ridden for almost a month.

I felt miserable.

What had happened to my dreams? My aspirations? My idealist musings about my dynamic, passion-filled, world-changing future career?

I felt more confused than ever and had figured very little out, except how to screw up romantic relationships and spend all my money in the process. I had to figure out what to do next, and fast, or flounder.

If I’ve learned anything from my encounters with Buddhism, it’s that moments like this, when it feels like the rug is being pulled our from under your feet, usually end up being the most valuable.

It doesn’t feel very valuable when it’s happening, of course, but being shaken forces you to stop for a while and take account of what’s unshakeable. In moments of utter insecurity, you realize what is really important in your life.

Here are my takeaways from months “in between”:

1. Don’t panic, and breathe.

Not having a next step can be scary. Really scary. Our culture is obsessed with progress, personal growth, and especially next steps, so not knowing where you’re going can seem overwhelming. It’s hard not to get swept up into that feeling of helplessness.

Stop, breathe, maybe meditate for fifteen minutes, and keep going in whatever way you can.

2. Focus on what matters to you, not other people.

This is an important, and difficult, one. When I was first considering leaving my terrible post-grad job, I reached out to a lot of people to ask for advice. I knew that if I quit the job, it might take awhile to find another hopefully better one, and that I might experience the cold, dark grip of failure.

Some people told me to finish out my contract, because it was safer. Others told me to do what made me happy. But ultimately, I had to sit with my anxieties and fears, dissect them, and figure out what was best for me, according to my goals.

I had to totally let go of everyone else’s ideas of success, security, and happiness and define what those concepts meant to me.

Did being unemployed, single, and homebound make me feel like a failure because I personally felt like a failure, or because someone else had told me once that those things = failure? Sometimes, it’s really hard to separate what really matters to you from what matters to the people around you, but it’s necessary.

Also, the job search can be oh-so-discouraging. It can be really hard to receive mass rejection email after mass rejection email (or no email at all) and not get enormously depressed.

Don’t take it personally. Know that you’re great, smart, and capable, and divert the energy you were going to spend weeping into writing a fantastic cover letter for your next job application.

3. Set realistic goals and get organized.

For a while, setting goals seemed impossible. How could I set a goal if I had no idea what I wanted out of a career? Every job description I looked at seemed unattainable, unrealistic, or unattractive to me. Goals? I couldn’t make goals! I was broke and stuck!

In truth, I was overthinking it. I didn’t have to know exactly where I would be in five years, or one year, or even one month. Sometimes I just had to have a plan for the week, or the day, or the next hour.

Setting small, realistic goals was key to moving forward in a productive way, and not staying paralyzed by fear and anxiety. For example, I set goals for how many jobs I would apply for in a week and how I would make enough money to get by, etc. I made spreadsheets keeping track of the jobs I applied for, as well as a strict budget.

Having daily goals made me feel like I was accomplishing something, even if the results weren’t necessarily tangible at the time. At the end of the day, I could say, “Well, I did everything I set out to do today. Good job, me!” instead of “Ugh! I still don’t have a job! What’s wrong with me?!”

A journey is made up of small steps. I had no idea where I would end up, but I kept moving and that saved me.

4. Relish the journey, regardless of the destination.

As mentioned in takeaway number one, not having a clear destination can be overwhelming, especially in a culture that is always leaning forward into the future. Perhaps the hardest part of the unemployment journey was settling in instead of looking ahead.

Being at a crossroads is a moment of opportunity. It’s at that moment when you feel like you don’t know anything, that you truly know. You know then that all those notions you’ve had about what you need to feel happy and successful are illusions.

I may not have had the fulfilling career, the loving partner, the adorable puppy, or the reasonable, plant-filled apartment I wanted, but I was alive! Being starved of the things that I thought were important made me take stock of all the things that really mattered and let go of the things that didn’t.

Every day, I wake up. I have an amazing, healthy body that is capable of some really miraculous things. I have an active intellect that enjoys reading and learning and doing things. I love a lot of people and activities and have regular access to many of them. I have a bed to sleep in, food to eat, books to read, and time to exercise regularly. These are all pretty amazing things!

Even when nothing seemed to be working in my life, there was so much that was working. This sense of having some unshakeable core to my experience made moving forward so much easier, and way less scary.

It gave me a wealth of patience to seek out and wait for the right opportunities, and leave behind the wrong ones. It gave me the liberty to dream up new possibilities that I hadn’t thought of before instead of putting pressure on myself to adhere to old, tired ideas.

It made me realize that being “in between” was, in a way, a blessing. I had the freedom to pursue opportunities where, when, and with whom I wanted. Settling into the journey forced me to treat myself more kindly and give myself the time and space to craft meaning in new ways.

Feeling suffocated by the seeming lack of direction in your life? Go for a walk and feel the wind on your cheeks.

Received another rejection letter and want to cry? Get out that new recipe you’ve been wanting to try and listen to your favorite jams while you cook.

Need a mental health day? Take one. Read. Go to the gym. Learn something new. Meditate. Celebrate your successes, job-related or not. Because if you can find peace in the midst of what feels like a total breakdown, you can find it anywhere.

Photo by Hartwig HKD

May 4, 2014
Happiness is Not a Destination: How to Enjoy the Journey

“Happiness is a direction, not a place.” ~Sydney J Harris

Being happy is for most of us one of the key aims in life. But where we often go wrong is in figuring out which path to take to achieve that happiness.

My own path has been a somewhat unconventional one. In my last year at college, most of my peers were busy applying for full-time jobs with large companies, but I knew that wasn’t what I wanted to do.

I wanted to see the world, which (long before gap years became so common) was met with disapproval by many. But excited, and somewhat scared, I set off alone on my travels.

I didn’t return for good until over seven years later, traveling around the world twice over, working as an English teacher in Istanbul and Barcelona, as a fruit picker on a kibbutz in Israel, in a ski resort, on a campsite in France, and in a fairground in Australia.

I drove across the US, rode the Trans-Siberian railway across Asia, and took precarious bus journeys through the Himalayas and the Andes.

It was a fantastically exciting time and left me with some amazing memories that will last forever. I knew that by doing this I’d probably be sacrificing any chance of reaching the upper echelons of the corporate tree, but that didn’t hold any appeal to me anyway.

Of more concern was the pressure I felt from family, friends, and society to settle down and find a “proper” job. But I’m really glad that I resisted that pressure and didn’t stop traveling and working abroad until I’d seen and experienced all that I wanted to.

I felt that there was plenty of time to have a conventional job after my traveling days were over, and this has proved correct.

The traveling taught me so much about myself, and life, and made me think about what I wanted from this short time on earth. I realized that I wanted to acquire experiences rather than money, and in my subsequent career that is what I have done.

I’ve done a variety of jobs: I’ve been a musician, graphic designer, novelist, and journalist. Much of the time, these have been precarious freelance jobs and not well paid, but they’ve all been fantastically interesting and given me a wealth of life experience.

I always wanted to have no regrets with the way I spent my life, and so far I haven’t. I know that if I’d spent my whole life trying to climb the corporate ladder I wouldn’t have been happy and would now have been lamenting what I hadn’t done in my life.

I’ve always found it really important to enjoy each step of the journey that I’ve been on and not just hoping to be happier at some point later in my life.

The path I’ve chosen may not be for everyone, but it is an example of the importance of choosing your own path in life, and ignoring the pressure from family, friends, and society.

I’ve seen how some people are pressured into certain jobs, often because they are considered prestigious, but hate the path they have chosen. Others may be pushed to get further up the career ladder, but then find out they hate the managerial responsibility that this generally brings.

People also often think that when they have more material goods or money they will be happier. But while it may be hard to be happy in the western world with no money (although some people achieve it) making lots of money and buying lots of things may not necessarily make you content.

Buying a new car or yacht is often only a short-term happiness boost and it seems that after a while, each upgrade to the car, house, or yacht gives less and less extra happiness.

Surveys have shown again and again that once people reach a certain wage—around the average wage in western countries—happiness levels do not increase much.

With relationships, it’s also important to find the right path for ourselves, and to be as sure as we can that we have chosen the right partner. And when we’ve hopefully found them, it’s so important to enjoy each moment of that relationship, not always be looking to the future.

We might think that having children will make us happy, but then when we have them we realize all the responsibilities and difficulties that brings, and may look back on our days without children with fondness. Or if we have young children we might wish they were older, but then they become teenagers!

The common pattern in all this is choosing the right road for the type of person we are and finding happiness at as many places along that route as we can.

So it’s important to look at all the good things in our lives and to enjoy them to the full right now. That is much more likely to bring happiness than waiting for it to appear around the corner.

Photo by woodleywonderworks

August 8, 2013