Tiny Buddha

Tag: desire

  • How I Learned to Let Go of Attachment to Things I Want

    How I Learned to Let Go of Attachment to Things I Want

    “The happiness we seek cannot be found through grasping, trying to hold on to things. It cannot be found through getting serious and uptight about wanting things to go in the direction we think will bring happiness.” ~Pema Chodron

    When I was a kid, my parents used to take me and my younger brother  fishing during the summer with some family friends. Sitting in the backseat of the car as we drove through the countryside, I had no worries about the future. It was a time of innocence.

    On this particular trip, which stands out in my memory, I would try fishing for the first time. I thought attaching a worm onto a hook was gross, but I was excited to do something adults do. Little did I know that I would learn a few important life lessons on this trip.

    When we arrived at the fishing dock, my dad offered me a small fishing rod, one that was suitable for a small child. I was thrilled. While the adults busied themselves, I ran off with my fishing rod, looking for a spot to catch a fish.

    Moments later, I had my fishing line down an eye-shaped hole that opened up between two boards on the dock. It was perfect: a small hole for a small child to catch a small fish. I crouched beside the hole and peered into the shadowy water beneath the dock.

    Nothing happened for some time. Suddenly, I felt a tug on the line, jolting me alert. I had caught something. I was ecstatic! I drew my line up and saw that I had caught a small fish. Unfortunately, the hole in the dock was even smaller. Yet, I didn’t want to lose my catch.

    I called out to the adults for help. One by one, the grownups around me gathered to help get this small fish through a slightly smaller hole. I implored the adults to try harder as they struggled. As we all tried to pull the fish through the hole, it thrashed in defiance with all its might.

    After some time, we managed to force the fish through the hole. However, we all looked down on the fish before our feet, its outer flesh scarred, now barely alive. A sense of sadness and regret came over me. I realized that I had done something terribly wrong. 

    “It’s no good now. We can’t keep it,” said one of the adults flatly. We threw the fish back into the water in its mutilated state. The crowd dispersed as if nothing of significance had happened. I was left alone, dazed by the experience. I didn’t feel like fishing anymore.

    The memory of the fish has stayed with me through the years. What torment had I put the fish and everyone else through that day? I thought the fish belonged to me, and I refused to let go of what I thought was mine. Of course, I was only a child—I didn’t know any better. Yet, I’m left with this sense of guilt.

    What do we own in life? If we acquire something, whether through our efforts or by chance, do we truly own it? Is it ours to keep? How do we know when it is appropriate to relax our single-mindedness?

    That day, the fish taught me about letting go. When I’m caught in the trap of attachment, other people fall away, and all that remains is me, my concerns, and my one object of desire. When that happens, I contract into a smaller version of myself that fails to see the larger picture.

    The fish also taught me the lesson of harmlessness. If my actions, no matter how justified I believe they are to be, are causing others harm, then it would be wise to stop. What do I truly value, and what are other ways that I can get what I really need?

    Reflecting more deeply, I see that my younger self wanted to hold onto a sense of achievement in that scenario. And if I could keep that sense of achievement, I would gain self-esteem. By having self-esteem, I would experience a kind of love for myself. It wasn’t really about the fish at all. 

    Since that event, the fish has revisited me in many different forms. Sometimes it appears as a person, sometimes a project or job, and other times an identity.

    Recently, I felt close to losing a business opportunity I had worked hard to secure. While I experienced deep disappointment, I managed to step back and make peace with the potential loss. I reminded myself that I was enough, and that my work doesn’t define who I am—even if what I do provides me with a sense of meaning and purpose.

    In life, success and failure are two sides of the same coin. In order to know success, we must also know failure. In order to know failure, we must also know success.

    I now know that whether I fail or succeed, I can still find my self-esteem intact. My self-esteem stems partly from knowing I will inevitably grow from both success and failure. Practicing letting go allows me to continue moving toward growth and wholeness.

    There is one more lesson that I learned from this fishing trip, and that’s the lesson of forgiveness. In writing this reflection, I forgive myself for the harm I’ve done in the past out of ignorance. I free myself of the guilt I’ve been carrying and choose to lead a more conscious life.

    It’s incredible how a tiny fish can give a small child such big lessons; ones that he can only fully integrate as an adult.

  • How to Reach Your Goal (And Why Three People Showing Up Isn’t Failure)

    How to Reach Your Goal (And Why Three People Showing Up Isn’t Failure)

    “If you believe it will work out, you’ll see opportunities. If you believe it won’t, you will see obstacles.” ~Wayne Dyer

    I’ve been part of a social meet-up group for the past few years, one that’s helped me through tricky times like quitting my job, dealing with anxiety, and having my first baby. When I first joined the group, there were three people who attended the events. (Yes, you read that correctly—three people!)

    There were lots of people in the group itself, but only three of us would regularly attend monthly events. It meant that if one of us couldn’t make the meet-up, we would have to cancel the whole thing (or it would be a rather intimate evening).

    And yet, in the last year, the monthly attendance has quadrupled. (Admittedly, that only takes us to twelve people… but that’s still a 300% increase!)

    Not bad in a year (and anyone who’s organized an event knows how hard it can be to get people to actually show up). And we’re talking twelve “regulars”—people who love the meet-ups, and who come back time and time again, enthusiastic and inspired.

    Plus, our attendance is still growing, and interest is mounting. Who knows where we’ll be in a year’s time!

    As we tested out ways to increase our numbers, I realized that the lessons I was learning could be applied to life—not just to meet-up groups. I started using them in my own life, with great benefit.

    I realized that anyone going after a goal or project could use these strategies (and most of us are going after a goal, in some form or other).

    So here are five lessons I learned about getting what you want, as taught to me by our small (but ambitious) meet-up group:

    1. Be patient; play the long game.

    When we set out to increase numbers, we didn’t get disheartened if we didn’t see results straight away. We knew the long game was the most important thing. The first meet-up had four attendees. The next one had five. Then we went down to four again. It took a year for us to get more than ten regular members, and to really notice how the group had changed.

    A year can sometimes seem like a long time when you’re pursuing a goal or dream. But the time will pass anyway! Why not spend it doing something you love or are really passionate about?

    2. Do things that scare you every now and then.

    One of the ways we increased attendance was by messaging every single member of the group—to say hi, tell them about the monthly events, and to ask if there were specific reasons why they hadn’t attended in the past.

    At first, this felt scary. Are we bothering them? Will they tell us to go away? Or will we hear something bad about the events? It’s daunting reaching out to people you don’t know, and putting yourself out there.

    And yet, more often than not, it’s the best thing we can do! Let’s face it, if the things you’re doing currently aren’t working, then you might as well change it up. Try something new. What have you got to lose?

    Pressing “send” on that email, or saying yes to that call might feel scary for a few minutes, but imagine how great it would feel if you got the thing(s) you wanted. Are a few minutes of discomfort worth it for long-term progress or growth? I’d say so.

    3. Remember that things grow exponentially (one thing leads to another).

    The best thing about taking action is the snowball effect: your action sets off another action, which sets off another. And before you know it, you’re storming ahead.

    With our group, as more members attended, we could post more photos of our events (that didn’t show the same three people hanging out!) And as more people saw our photos and started coming to events, they told friends about it and invited them too.

    It’s the same with goals or projects. You might nervously share a few of your blog posts and think nothing is happening; you’re not gaining any traction. But you never know what’s happening out in the ether. Perhaps one of your posts resonated with a local professor, who shares it with her colleagues, who share it with their friends…

    The fact is, you never know what’s going on behind the scenes. So take an action step, and then another, and let the momentum build!

    4. Ask for help.

    No one does anything worthwhile alone. There’s always a team involved.

    The three of us emailed group members, posted on our Facebook wall, and spread the word however we could. We contacted friends. We held brainstorming sessions for ideas. We sought advice from peers and local event leaders.

    The best thing about asking for help is that most people want to help. In fact, they love it! Think about the times that you’re asked for advice. Do you get annoyed by it, or does your chest puff out ever so slightly?!

    Use the resources around you. Don’t be afraid to do so—because when the tables are turned, you may well be able to help in return.

    5. Be passionate about it.

    I’ve left this one till last because it’s the most important one, in my opinion. Be passionate about what you’re doing.

    The three of us in the group really believe in what we’re doing. We love holding the events. We love the sense of community we’ve created. And we’re so passionate about what we’re doing that we work on it—willingly—in our spare time.

    If you’re working on a goal or project and not feeling passion toward it at all, why are you doing it? Are you doing it for someone else, or to look good?

    Things are so much easier when we enjoy doing them. So choose wisely. Choose things you’re passionate about. And then during the tough times or dips (which do happen) you’ll be more likely to keep going, and you’ll feel even more committed when you come out the other side.

  • Three Unexpected, Life-Changing Lessons I Learned at a Silent Retreat

    Three Unexpected, Life-Changing Lessons I Learned at a Silent Retreat

    “Every moment is a choice to begin again.” ~Unknown

    By day three of the five-day silent retreat I found myself wondering, “Why did I do this again?”

    The pain of sitting in lotus position for eight hours a day was testing my patience. I was frustrated that my mind would only be still for a few moments, before interrupting itself with commentary on the fact that my mind was still, and I wasn’t feeling any spiritual awakening—although not being a particularly “spiritual” person, this wasn’t entirely surprising

    So why had I decided to go on a silent retreat in the first place? I had wanted to experience meditation without distraction and to take my practice to another level.

    Going into the silent retreat, I had worries and questions circling: Will the silence be tedious? What will the other people be like? Are the teachers going to be cult-like leaders? Will I uncover some past trauma buried away deep inside?

    Of course, of the things I worried about, none of them came true. Instead, what I found challenging and what I learned the most from were things that I hadn’t even considered: desire, expectations, and judgment.

    Desire

    If you’ve ever wondered what drives your behavior, you can thank the power of desire for that. And you certainly learn a lot about desire when you’re at a silent retreat.

    Silent retreats are set up so that you never need to verbally communicate, which means that almost every minute of the day is scheduled for you, all your meals are prepared, and all external stimulation is removed. This creates a perfect storm for your desire to run wild, fantasizing about all the things you can’t have or do.

    I never noticed how much I’m driven by desire until I spent a significant portion of the retreat daydreaming about different foods I wanted to eat. By day three I was writing lists of foods I was going to eat when I finally was “free” again.

    I didn’t understand why I felt so compelled to do this until our evening teachings the following night, when I realized it was because I was struggling with desire.

    That night we learned that what we’re often really craving is not the thing that we desire, but the reprieve we feel once we have relieved ourselves from the yearning of desire. This realization actually freed me from my wants, and allowed me to instead laugh at the simplicity of my humanness and my clear love of rice paper rolls.

    It also made me realize that when we’re able to see what’s driving us, we have the space to observe our experience and choose how we respond, rather than being at the mercy of invisible desires. Instead, we’re able to consider what it is we really need, rather than simply what we want in that moment.

    Since the retreat, I’ve been more mindful of when desire is driving me and it’s certainly helped my bank account, particularly when I’m having a moment where I think, “I just need these shoes” without really knowing why I “need them” so much.

    Not that there’s anything wrong with buying shoes, but I’ve been able to see more clearly when my desire to buy shoes is coming from a place of wanting to feel better about myself, when I want to feel like I’m keeping up with others, or when I want other people to think I’m cool.

    I’ve come to realize that while buying shoes might make me feel good in the moment, it isn’t going to build the foundations of lasting self-confidence.

    Instead, I now find it much easier to pause and acknowledge, “Aha, this is just desire” and recognize that really, I have enough and I don’t need things to be enough.

    Expectations

    I’ve always known that having really set expectations can cause all sorts of problems, but the experience of the silent retreat cemented this for me.

    My biggest problem was that I expected my meditation practice to somehow transform itself into something other than what it currently was. Of course, setting this expectation didn’t mean that my meditation practice changed at all; instead, it just left me feeling frustrated that I wasn’t experiencing something different. Ironically, meditation is all about experiencing whatever arises in that moment.

    I didn’t even know what it was that I expecting to change. But I learned that when we’re searching for something, we’re blinded by the act of searching, and we miss the subtle changes that are unfolding before us. It’s often not until we let go of what we think should be changing that we can really notice and appreciate what has changed.

    I also came to realize that expectations can really cause a lot of suffering. Now, looking back, I recognize that my expectations took me away from the beautiful sounds of the Balinese jungle, from the stillness that was there, and the joy of simply being.

    When I let go of my expectations, not only did I start enjoying meditation more, I realized how powerful it could be to let go of expectations.

    Despite having this realization, I’m still constantly surprised at how often my expectations get in the way of me being able to live peacefully. I often find myself expecting friends to behave in certain ways, and when they don’t, I feel deeply disappointed. But really, there’s no reason for me to expect them to behave differently, as they are simply engaging in the same behaviors that they have over the past fifteen years.

    What I’ve taken from this is that the solution isn’t to disregard expectations, but to be mindful that your expectations aren’t too far removed from reality. I’ve found looking at the facts of a situation helpful in managing my expectations and instead, delighting in the unexpected.

    Judgment

    No matter how much we try not to be, we’re naturally judgmental. And I know this cannot be changed, but what I really noticed on retreat was the effect it had on my mind and my body, and how different my experience could be if I practiced letting go of judgment.

    One evening I found myself really judging another girl for using social media while at the retreat. We had been asked to not make any contact with the outside world, and this of course included no use of social media.

    At the time, I assumed that her use of social suggested that she wasn’t taking the retreat seriously. As these judgments raced through my mind, I noticed how much my body tensed up, how irritated I felt, and I could almost feel my mind narrowing as I focused on how their behavior was “wrong.”

    Yet, when I opened myself up and tried to accept her behavior, I was freed from my own prison of judgment. When I allowed myself to be curious rather then judgmental, the experience transformed for me.

    Instead of feeling irritated by her and closed off, I instead felt open and compassionate, and frankly just a lot less bothered by her. Being open and curious allowed me to move on and let go, relieving the discomfort of being judgmental.

    It certainly wasn’t an easy thing to do, and I had to remind myself time and time again to keep opening, but the felt difference between the two was unbelievable. It was actually much more physically and emotionally pleasant being non-judgmental than being judgmental.

    I really noticed this for myself when I was back in New York, sitting in a Broadway show. I caught myself totally distracted by the judgmental commentary happening in my head. It was the same old story, comparing my body to those of the performers, and my poor old thighs were the victims of my self-criticism yet again.

    When I noticed how deeply I was caught up in worrying about the size of my thighs, I decided it was a good moment to practice what I had learned on retreat. I started saying to myself over and over, “Let go, be present.”

    It was such a relief to allow myself to let go of judgment, and instead I was open to connect with feelings of joy as I started clapping along to the songs with the rest of the crowd. Not only this, letting go of the judgment allowed me to be more accepting and compassionate towards myself.

    So all in all, while my meditation practice didn’t change as I expected it to, I certainly learned a lot on the silent retreat and took a lot away with me, all which was delightfully unexpected.

    My three takeaways were that:

    1. Desire is just a creation of our mind that we don’t need to follow. In fact, just acknowledging it can relieve us from the power of our desire.

    2. Letting go of expectations allows us to be present and enjoy what is already here.

    3. Being open and curious frees us from judgment, allowing us to be accepting and compassionate toward others, and ourselves.

  • 3 Ways to Let Go Of Control and Relax Into The Flow

    3 Ways to Let Go Of Control and Relax Into The Flow

    “You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” ~Steve Maraboli

    Sometimes I try really hard to control things.

    I run two businesses so, in many ways, control gives me a sense of peace of mind.

    When my team is doing what they are supposed to be doing, I can relax. When business is booming, I can relax. When I am getting what I want, I can relax.

    This control freak-ness doesn’t just apply for me in just business. I used to be this way about my body, and I notice these tendencies even pop up in my relationships too.

    When I feel like I am in control, I feel free. When I feel like I’m not in control, I feel frustrated, scared, and angry. It rocks my sense of security straight to my core.

    It’s tough to admit, but it’s the truth.

    I’m getting a lot better at relaxing without needing to be in control, and I’m realizing that the greatest control is in letting go of the need for it.

    When I try to control, I get attached to how I think it should play out; I think I know the best way for things to happen. But many examples in my life have shown me that when I trust and let go of thinking I know best, the outcome is better than anything I could have imagined.

    Letting go doesn’t mean giving up the desire, it means letting go of the struggle.

    It’s exhausting needing to be in control all the time, isn’t it? And the truth really is that any sense of control that we think that we have is false anyway.

    Our greatest power is in learning how to trust. When we focus on our desires with a sense of non-attachment to exactly how they unfold, it releases the blocks and opens us up to greater opportunity.

    Here are three ways I’ve learned to trust and let go of trying so hard to control.

    1. Step away.

    Richard Branson has been one of my greatest mentors from afar. He amazes me with his ability to balance business, family, and fun in the perfect way for him. He doesn’t even own a desk, and never has!

    I love watching the videos that Virgin posts on their blog about his life, because they remind me that creativity and great ideas come from stepping away from work and letting your mind open up. Richard says he gets some of his best ideas while in the bath, and he kite surfs every day, even if it’s just for fifteen minutes.

    While we don’t all have the luxury of our own private island to jet away to (yet), we do have the ability to take a long walk outside in nature, start our morning with even just five minutes of meditation or yoga, or turn the computer off an hour earlier each night.

    Taking time to enjoy life will only inspire and rejuvenate your energy for your work.

    2. Stop looking around so much.

    Compare and despair. Have you ever gone on Facebook to see what your friends are up to, and then twenty minutes later you are down in the dumps because somehow you ended up on a thread or a site comparing yourself to that person and where you think you should be?

    The second we get caught up in comparison, it sucks the creativity and energy right out of us. One of the best things I’ve done for myself is cut back on looking around at what everyone else is doing.

    I finally got to the point where I realized that, not only am I never going to measure up to them, I never want to!

    I want what I want, not what they have. So now I just try to stay in my own little bubble, working on the creative projects that excite me.

    Every now and then I do look around to see what others are up to, but I am super conscious to continuously check in with myself and ask, “Is this what I want to create for myself?” versus immediately judging how I measure up to their level of success.

    I also remind myself that I am on the right path, because I am on my path.

    3. Listen to your body.

    The human body is an amazing machine, one that most of us take for granted. We get signals from our body all day long, signals I call inner wisdom or intuition. Oftentimes, we ignore those signals and choose to follow what everybody else is telling us to do instead.

    Our body really has a vast amount of information that can help us with making decisions. When I am trying to control, I am totally ignoring my intuition. The more I relax into the flow, the more I rely on my intuition to guide me.

    Sometimes my body tells me I need a fifteen-minute nap. Sometimes it tells me that it’s not time to write the blog post right now and instead I should focus on something else. Whatever it is, I really try to listen and override the ego part of me that tells me I must push or force things to happen in order to succeed.

    It’s the difference between being solution-oriented versus problem-oriented, or in other words, inspiration-driven versus fear-driven.

    As a society, I feel like we need to remind each other often that an unhappy journey does not lead to a happy ending. It’s like we believe that if an achievement doesn’t involve stress or hardship, we don’t deserve it.

    We do deserve it, and we deserve a life built around a lot of ease and fun.

    What’s one thing you do to let go and release stress?

  • Life Happens When You Listen: Let Yourself Learn from the Moment

    Life Happens When You Listen: Let Yourself Learn from the Moment

    Listen

    “Tell me to what you pay attention and I will tell you who you are.” ~Jose Ortega y Gasset

    Something magical and wonderful happened to me over Christmas. For the first time in my life I was able to make sense out of a string of seemingly random events that made no sense at all, that is, until I bothered to stop, listen, and check in with my heart.

    My family and I were staying in a hotel in Brisbane, Australia, for three nights over the Christmas period. It was a special Christmas this year because it was my big fiftieth birthday on Boxing Day.

    The first event happened at breakfast on Boxing Day morning as I was opening my gifts. My husband had bought me an original Women’s Weekly magazine from December 1963, and my two sons were curious as to what it was all about.

    My husband said it was a memento for me to cherish, to keep, and to see how much the world had changed since then. He explained that his mum had bought him a Life magazine for his fiftieth and how much he loved it.

    We then went to the cinema to watch a movie called The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and, lo and behold, the whole movie was set around Life magazine.

    We couldn’t believe it. Surely it wasn’t a coincidence that we had just been talking about Life magazine (a topic that had never been discussed before), and there it was larger than life on the big screen. 

    The movie also centred on travel and photography, something that my husband absolutely adores.

    The next day we went for a walk in the city and my husband took his camera with him. I walked and talked while he scanned and clicked. I remember thinking to myself at the time how much joy he gets from taking photos.

    On our last day we were having breakfast in the hotel restaurant, and as I stood waiting for my toast to pop, up a lady came up to me and asked if I my name was Claire and if I used to live in Lismore, Australia.

    I said yes and frantically tried to remember who she was. It came to be that our two eldest sons were childhood friends and her son would often come around to our place to play. This was twenty years ago.

    She said that she was here with her husband in Brisbane for only a few days visiting their son, who was doing an international photography course at university.

    I sat down and finished my breakfast, reflecting on why at this hotel, on this day at this time did I connect with a lady who I had not seen, heard, or thought of in twenty years. And then it dawned on me—this was no coincidence!

    I believe that the world is always sending us messages, prompts, advice, hints, or whatever we need to steer us in the direction of our heart’s desire.

    Sometimes these maybe personal messages meant for you and sometimes they may be for another person. In this particular case I knew without a doubt that I had a wonderful insight to pass on to my husband.

    How did I know this?

    Life magazine was given to my husband; it wasn’t given to me. My husband has always had a passion for travel, he loves taking photos, and he has a talent for writing. If the movie wasn’t enough to convince me, then the interaction with the lady from Lismore whose son was studying photography at university was the fait accompli.

    My husband has been struggling for many years to try and find some meaning and purpose in his life.

    We have discussed this conundrum so many times and have always ended up with the same result. Just keep doing the job you are doing, be grateful that you have a job, be grateful for the other great things in your life and be hopeful that one day you will connect with what your soul’s intention is. Well that day came over Christmas!

    The clues were loud and clear. Photography was what he needed to pursue. Put this together with travel and writing and bingo, there was his meaning and purpose.

    When I revealed this to him it was as though a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He sat with it for a few days and let it wash over him. He reflected on what he used to love doing as a teenager; he remembered times when he was fully engaged and they all pointed to the camera.

    He found photos of himself trekking in the Himalayas just like Walter Mitty had and it all made sense.

    We agreed that it didn’t have to be a dramatic career change but just a step in the direction of following his heart and allowing himself to shine at something that spoke to his soul.

    He now has a new camera, he is booked in to do some photography courses, and he is joyfully creating a life with meaning and purpose.

    While I believe the universe sends us signs to help us grow and flourish, you could also see it it as your higher self—an inner knowing that helps you hear and follow your heart’s calling.

    Even if you believe everything is random, you can benefit from listening to the moment instead of getting caught up in your own world. This world is usually the one that exists in your head between your ears.

    When you get out of your head and start to live in the present a whole new world will unfold before your eyes.

    If you are wondering how you can do this, here are some tips:

    1. Consciously and deliberately be grateful for all of the wonderful things in your life.

    If you are struggling to think of any, let me jog your memory; be grateful for the water that runs freely out of your tap, the lights that come on when you flick a switch, the freedom you have as you walk out your front door, the food that you have on your table, the bed that you have to sleep in, and the technology that you have to read this blog on.

    By doing this, you bring your focus out of your head and to the present moment, where magical things happen all of the time.

    2. Be mindful by concentrating fully and intently on the present moment without any form of judgment.

    When you enter this space and let go of all thoughts about the past and all thoughts about the future, you are truly living in the moment. This moment in your life is all that is guaranteed. Enjoy it, embrace it, and practice it every day. By doing this, you will be creating the space for messages to enter your consciousness.

    3. Have an open mind and don’t shut yourself off to anything.

    I could have easily let all those “coincidences” pass without a second thought, but because I was open to new possibilities, I chose to listen. The result was such joy.

    Become aware of how much you live and experience the world in your head. When you catch yourself thinking about the past or the future, bring your mind back to the present moment, breathe deeply, take in what is happening around you, check in with how you are feeling, be thankful, and keep your mind open.

    You won’t know what your intuition is telling you unless you stop to truly listen. This is when life really happens!

    Photo by Eddi van W.

  • Why We Don’t Always Get What We Want

    Why We Don’t Always Get What We Want

    Lonely Man

    “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

    It’s probably happened to you. In all likelihood, it has happened multiple times in your life thus far.

    You don’t understand why it happens. And when it does, it can throw you into the deepest valleys of despair.

    Perhaps you cry out to a higher power to make things better. Maybe you just stare into the cosmos, wondering what the meaning of life is and why things get tough.

    I’ve been there. Many times. For all sorts of reasons.

    Breakups, career problems, dealing with a death, financial issues, there are a million things that can put you into this frame of mind.

    You know what you want more than anything, but no matter what you do, the universe just doesn’t seem to give it to you. Why? Why can’t things just be easier, simpler? Why can’t things get better?

    Why can’t we get what we want?

    A few years ago I was going through an extremely difficult time in my life. My fiancé of four years had broken up with me. Over the phone.

    No visit. No long talk about how we could maybe work it out. She just told me she couldn’t do it anymore.

    And just like that, I was thrown into that valley.

    I spent the next few months searching for answers. I read through different religious texts, self-help sites, and scientific books. I prayed, I meditated, and I even tried to visualize the thing that I wanted the most. 

    I just wanted my fiancé back.

    My work suffered at my job, though I didn’t notice. It took an old friend, one of my bosses, calling me into his office and having an honest conversation for me to realize that I was basically coasting through the weeks.

    In the evenings, I was plagued by dreams of my ex. In them, we were happy and together. Everything had worked out.

    Of course, I always woke up in the middle of the night, sweating and crying. Yeah, I woke up crying.

    I was raised to believe in a higher power. But during those nights of torture, I found myself pounding my pillow and begging him/her to make everything better.

    Nothing ever got better, though.

    Talks with friends yielded no good counsel. As a student of the psychological sciences, and a counselor myself, their cliché words only served to frustrate me.

    “There’s a reason for everything.” “If it’s meant to be.” “Time heals all wounds.” The more I heard their fortune cookie advice, the angrier I became. 

    And the whole time, I continued to beg the higher power to fix everything.

    One day at my job, I was talking to one of the teachers I worked with. She was a huge fan of Native American history and had an interesting perspective on my predicament.

    She suggested that I go on a vision quest.

    I’d done one of these when I was in graduate school as part of an assignment. We had studied the ancient technique the natives used when they were searching for answers, so I was pretty familiar with the process.

    If you don’t know what a vision quest is, you go out to a place where all you can do is observe the world around you and focus intensely on the thoughts that come as a result.

    This time, though, the stakes were much higher than on my previous quest.

    I decided to do it on a weekend and woke up the following Saturday morning with one mission in mind: to find answers. 

    The former capital of the Cherokee nation was only twenty minutes from my house, now set aside as a state park. I figured what better place to do a vision quest than where the Native Americans used to live?

    It was a chilly morning, and the forests surrounding the historical site were thick with fog as I began my walk.

    I stopped at various points along the way to meditate and pray. There was one spot next to a gentle brook where I watched the birds and squirrels scurrying about their day, mirroring the many thoughts and feelings rushing around in my head.

    While nature was peaceful around me, a storm still raged in my heart centering around a single question: Why can’t I have what I want?

    I continued the walk, writing down every thought and emotion that came to my mind. Minutes turned into hours and, as I neared the fourth hour of my quest, I decided it was getting close to time for me to leave. Empty handed.

    I neared the top of a ridge at the edge of the sacred land and looked up into the leafy canopy of the forest. Poplar, oak, and maple leaves hung silently above me.

    “I just want to know why you won’t fix this for me,” I said out loud, bitterly.

    Suddenly, my mind was whisked back to the school where I work to a point a few weeks before and a conversation I’d had with one of my students. I’d walked into the computer classroom to see what everyone was working on that day and he’d gotten my attention.

    “Hey, can you fix my grade in this class so I can pass?”

    The question caught me off guard and I laughed. “Yeah, I can do that,” I surprised him with my answer. As a school counselor, I have access to that kind of stuff.

    His face became hopeful. “You can?”

    I went on to explain to him that I could do that, but I wouldn’t.

    He asked why.

    I told him it was because if I fixed everything for him like that, he would never learn anything.

    My brain zipped back to the moment, standing on the forest trail. The realization punched me in the face like Mike Tyson in his prime.

    A smile crept onto my face. Then I began to laugh and looked back up into the treetops.  A robust breeze rolled in, waving the high branches around dramatically.

    I continued to smile as I spun around staring dizzily into the rustling leaves.

    That was it. If someone or something always fixed everything for me all the time, I would never learn anything. More than that, I would never be able to do anything for myself in life. I would always be dependent on someone or something else to make things better for me. 

    I would never be able to learn another language, live in a foreign environment, try new foods or activities, or grow as a person in any way.

    Sometimes in life things happen that can be difficult, and often they can be extremely painful. We must push through those moments where all seems lost. When we do, we can find a new us on the other side that is wiser and more beautiful than we ever imagined.

    By working through these difficult changes in life, we grow into something new, better, stronger.

    To paraphrase what the Rolling Stones said: You can’t always get what you want. But you get what you need.

    Photo by Zigg-E

  • Why It’s Okay to Live a “Boring” Life If That’s What You Want

    Why It’s Okay to Live a “Boring” Life If That’s What You Want

    “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

    Some people know from the time they are small what they are going to be “when they grow up.”

    I, at various times, was going to be an archeologist, paleontologist, veterinarian, famous rock musician, famous film director, actor, studio guitar player, music production engineer, choir teacher, choral composer, less famous film director, film editor, screenwriter, alpaca farmer, or cattle farmer.

    As of this writing, I make wedding films and assist my wife with wedding photography. There is no fame, enough money, but no riches and no acclaim. Despite being told how special, intelligent, and talented I was as a child, and how I could do anything, my life has ended up being quite ordinary and, dare I say, a little boring. And I wouldn’t change one bit of it.

    Our culture seems intensely focused on passion and dreams. The most popular shows are all about people competing for the chance to live their dreams. The thing that stands out to me so starkly is the reactions of the people that don’t win.

    So often they will say something along the lines of “I just don’t understand how I didn’t win. I wanted it so badly. I wanted it so much more than all the other contestants.” As if wanting and desire is all that’s necessary to achieve a goal!

    I spent most of my life floating at a level of desire. Wanting things, relationships, experiences, sometimes having the desires fulfilled, most times not.

    Even when I got what I wanted, it only would make me happy for a brief time, always looking for something outside myself to satisfy me.

    Amid that was also the ego’s constant desire for specialness. I was smart and talented, so I deserve to be noticed and have an interesting job and a wonderful, amazing life. But life had different ideas for me.

    After high school I was planning to attend a music school in California to study guitar performance. However, when I was nineteen, I left home for two years to volunteer for my church at the time. During those years, my priorities shifted, and I was no longer sure if living as a touring musician lined up with more important spiritual goals, as well as goals of wanting a family.

    I shifted my thinking to music production, and then choral education after a girlfriend mentioned it as a possibility. I was going to teach choir. I had great times performing, composing, and learning.

    Two years into my degree, my wife and I started dating and got married. Around the same time I transferred to a different college, in a different city nearby. I was not taking very many classes, but one by one, they all fell by the wayside.

    One class I needed another prerequisite, another I had missed too much to catch up because of my wedding and honeymoon, and then I was left with a choir class that I soon realized I hated. Did I really want to do this for the rest of my life?

    I withdrew from college and just worked. From the natural foods store, to the steak and buffet restaurant, to the parking garage, to the telemarketing center, to the law firm copy center. We talked about going back to college at some point, but could not afford to pay outright and did not want student loans.

    When I looked at going back to college, I ran into a lesson I’ve tried hard to remember since. Too many careers that popped up would require me to have made different choices for the past twenty years to make them work.

    I thought about going back to school to become a veterinarian, but it would take me a decade, and I would not have the advantage of having volunteered at a vet’s office when I was twelve to put on my resume!

    During that time my wife started her wedding photography business. It took a few years, but eventually we had enough work that I could quit my other job and help her full time. At the same time I renewed my interest in spiritual development and discovered Dr. David Hawkins’ writings, which led to my present commitment to enlightenment as my primary goal in life.

    If I had gotten everything I desired, I doubt I would have made those discoveries and learned that acceptance and surrender are a surer path to joy than following desire. Now I have nothing of what people would consider ambition. I have very few goals, and no five or ten-year plan.

    It might seem that I have become some kind of shiftless drifter, accomplishing nothing. Overall in my life, I have tried to replace desire with intention, which is like the rudder on a ship. I have devoted myself to love, kindness, peace, and joy, and lots of waves crash against the bow of the ship, but it does not affect my heading.

    With that, many things just fall into place, (or out of my life,) just without the seeking and grasping of passionate desire. I will automatically do or not do certain things because of that intention, because it is what I am.

    I want to have enough for my needs, and to accept whatever comes in every moment. I trust that what comes is the perfect expression of potential in that moment. Now I know that the source of my happiness is inside me, and the circumstances of life cannot take that away from me.

    That is what I mean when I say surrender and accept: accept the fact that whatever it is we want in life, we cannot control the outcome, and if we could, sometimes we do not know what is best for us anyway. Instead of a passionate striving to “accomplish” something, we set the compass, and start down the path.

    We can only control our walking, not what the end of the path looks like or whether there will be anything at the end.

    The more we find our happiness from within, the safer we are. We can pursue anything we want, finding joy in the process. Whether it turns out the way we envisioned or not becomes irrelevant, because we didn’t bet all our joy on that outcome.

    I thought I wanted to be special and important, but life led me to something very normal and a little boring. I could try to change it, but it is the perfect life for me.

    So if we haven’t made it to some dream life that is fueled by passion, there can be great peace in learning to find the joy in being ordinary. To those of us that are led to follow our dreams, just love the dream, and surrender the result. Maybe your dream will come true, but if not, being boring is pretty great too.

  • When You Don’t Get What You Want Something Better May Be Coming

    When You Don’t Get What You Want Something Better May Be Coming

    “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

    While every adoption story is different, they all start with a loss. Our loss turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to us.

    I’ve had two migraines in my life. Both were when I was battling infertility and in a war with my body. My brain had had enough apparently.

    The first migraine was on my way to work one day (different story), and the second was before a dinner party. My friend was inviting her close friends over to make an announcement. I knew what the announcement was.

    She was going to tell us she was pregnant. I was as happy for her as an infertile friend can be, which is not very.

    My migraine saved me that night. I didn’t have to go and pretend. Instead, I was alone in a dark room crying, which is where I would have ended up anyway. Now I know I was grieving the loss of my non-existent biological child.

    In what turned out to be an oddly not-difficult decision to adopt, my husband and I were on the way to the adoption agency for the first informational meeting when we had the biggest fight we had ever had. Uncharacteristically, I was so emotional I told him to turn the car around. I knew this was not the time to begin our adoption journey.

    About a month later we tried again. We were in the car, having just merged onto the highway on the way to the adoption agency, when we were sandwiched between two other cars in a three-way wreck. We were fine, but missed the meeting.

    Our third try turned out to be a charm as we showed up at the agency relatively emotionally stable and in one piece.

    Those who have adopted can confirm that timing is everything, especially in foreign adoptions when often the two files on the top of the pile get matched and a family is formed.

    Was something cosmic happening so that we would show up at the right time to receive the right baby?

    Once the adoption was underway and we were awaiting our sweet baby to be approved for release to us, I would talk to her. We even had a song, Coldplay’s “Yellow.”

    I would sing, “Look at the stars; look how they shine for you,” because I thought we could see the same stars. I felt closer to her, knowing we were thousands of miles apart, but could see the same sky.

    “You were all yellllllooo,” I would sing alone in my car, again and again.

    I don’t know what it is like to give birth, but I cannot imagine it is any more terrifying or exciting than meeting your adopted child for the first time. We, along with the families we were traveling with, had taken over a hotel floor when the babies started arriving from the orphanage.

    “Swenson” we heard our interpreter yell as he held out a baby, our baby. I don’t remember stumbling forward, but my husband has it on video. When I watch it I see myself holding our daughter and instinctively cupping her head and holding her to me.

    She was dressed in head to toe yellow. Shirt, shorts, even yellow jelly sandals. This. was. my. daughter.

    She was all yellllllooo.

    I did not get what I wanted. I wanted to have a dinner party and announce that I was pregnant. I wanted to carry a child in my belly. I wanted to discover how the baby looked like me and how it looked like my husband.

    I didn’t have a dinner party. I didn’t carry her in my own belly. She doesn’t look a damn thing like us.

    But what I got? What I got was even better. I got a child that was meant to be ours.

    This baby was so meant to be ours that we couldn’t make it to the adoption agency until the third try because it wasn’t time yet. This baby was so meant to be ours she was wearing head-to-toe yellow when we met after I’d been singing “Yellow” to her for months.

    So yes, sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.

    I daresay when you don’t get what you want it is because there is something better on its way to you.

    Photo by egor.gribanov

  • 3 Questions to Help You Access Your Intuition

    3 Questions to Help You Access Your Intuition

    “Begin, be bold, and venture to be wise.” ~Horace

    During my second year at an arts conservatory, I took a detailed diagnostic test to determine the hemispheric dominance of my left and right brain.

    People who tend to lean toward the left are logical, reality-based, practical, and intellectual, when people who tend to lean toward the right are artistic, intuitive, feeling, and imaginative.

    On a horizontal linear scale from 1 to 10—1 being the farthest left and 10 being the farthest right—I tested 4.8. That means that I am basically balanced between both sides of my brain but lean .2 toward the left.

    Recently, I found a website that had a computer image of a ballerina spinning on her toe. If you saw the dancer spin clockwise, your brain dominance leaned toward the right; if anti-clockwise, left.

    A friend of mine (who was also in that class with me at arts school) had her four-year old son do the exercise. He was able to see the dancer go both ways, capable of switching at will.

    When she asked him how, he said, “I don’t know, Mommy. I am not my mind.” Jeez! I just want to hug this enlightened boy!

    When we identify with our mind it can be our worst enemy. It likes to cycle, obsess, tighten, and cut us off from experiencing our heart. It can prevent us from having real intimacy with others and ourselves.

    The mind says it wants something, yet sometimes we categorize, intellectualize, and analyze all because we are afraid to actually feel, open, and come to intimately know that thing beating in the center of our chest.

    I remember a night when I was sitting with my husband at our turquoise Moroccan table in our backyard, talking about how I desired to be physically closer to him.

    Life stresses, including four miscarriages and three-failed In-Vitro fertilizations had caused us so much grief, strife, and tension that we were burnt out, disheartened, and shut down.

    Yet, with all that talking, whining, and wishing we could be closer, it was easier for me to take the time to sit and talk about my needs than go up upstairs, cuddle with my husband, and create closeness. (more…)

  • How to Stop Obsessing Over Things You Want

    How to Stop Obsessing Over Things You Want

    “You only lose what you cling to.” ~Buddha

    I want to be famous. I want to earn lots of money. I want boxes of expensive chocolates. I want people to like me. I want you to think that this article is the most amazing thing you’ve ever read.

    Enough about me. Back to the Buddha’s quote. “You only lose what you cling to.” This doesn’t make any sense, does it? Surely you only lose what you don’t cling to?

    I think there are two ways of making sense of this idea.

    First, what we cling to slips away from us.

    Think about soap in the bath. If you grip it very tightly, it pops right out of your hand.

    If we’re really desperate for something, we’re less likely to receive it. This happens in lots of different ways.

    A couple of years ago I came out of a long-term relationship and started dating. I joined an online dating agency and started getting in touch with different prospective dates.

    I very quickly realized how insecure I felt. As soon as I started a conversation with anyone, I was desperate for them to like me, whether or not I actually liked them!

    One man in particular seemed perfect for me from his description. He was an artist, he lived in a beautiful and remote part of the world, and he had a cute dog.

    I imagined all the things that we’d have in common and all the sparkling conversations we’d have. I imagined visiting him and meeting his dog. I got a little carried away.

    He could hear this desperation in my emails, and he soon drifted away before we ever began a proper conversation. I wanted a date with him so badly (or I thought I wanted it badly) that I scared him off. Like soap from your too-tight grip. Whoops! (more…)

  • Mindful Indulging: Having What You Want Without Guilt

    Mindful Indulging: Having What You Want Without Guilt

    Donuts and Berries

    “You only lose what you cling to.” ~Buddha

    I used to cling to my identity as a person who didn’t eat donuts. To me, donuts represent all that is tempting and yet forbidden. Any self-respecting natural health doctor is not supposed to like donuts, right?

    This image I held of myself almost cost me one of the important realizations of my life.

    Twenty years ago I was in the midst of my training to become an Ayurvedic health practitioner.  I held tightly and proudly to my dietary restrictions like a fundamentalist’s religion.

    This ancient medical system of India dictated that since I was out of balance with too much phlegm, I was to avoid all wheat, dairy, fried foods and sugar. So donuts were definitely a no-no.

    On my path to learn Ayurveda, I also began studying the Sanskrit language in which the original medical books were written. I found myself at a Yoga ashram in San Francisco, to attend a Sanskrit class, or so I thought.

    What I promptly came face to face with was a 65-year old Indian saint in neon orange robes and dark, wrap-around glasses asking me “Who are you?”

    As is traditional in an ashram, after our meditation and Sanskrit lesson, we all gathered around “Guruji” as he blessed the food that had been brought to be passed around and shared. A plate of glazed donut pieces came my way. I politely refused.

    Looking back, I can’t even believe I did that. Not to mention I absolutely love glazed donuts. (more…)

  • Desire What You Have and Feel More Satisfied in Life

    Desire What You Have and Feel More Satisfied in Life

    “Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.” ~Hyman Schachtel

    I have a chime with the words “Desire what you have” painted on the front of it. It hangs from the window to the left of my desk in the treehouse where I write. I bought it a few years ago as an epiphany purchase.

    It was one of those times when I was sucked into the vortex of a boutique in Minneapolis, the wallet in my pocket a burning inferno. I saw this beautiful painted chime dangling from the ceiling and I was so struck by the message, I put out the fire out and put my money on the counter.

    I am so glad I did.

    I love the simple wisdom of the phrase: Desire what you have.

    If we desire what we have then no matter what our possessions, we are rich.

    I love coming across it again and again because it reminds me to be aware of my thoughts and to be aware of what I have and what I am now. I need to be reminded.

    When I sat down to begin writing I was looking for inspiration in The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living. I came across this quote by the Dalai Lama:

    “…our moment-to-moment happiness is largely determined by our outlook.  In fact, whether we are feeling happy or unhappy at any given moment often has very little to do with our absolute conditions but, rather it is a function of how we perceive our situation, how satisfied we are with what we have.” (more…)

  • How to Want Less and Be Happy About It

    How to Want Less and Be Happy About It

    “Happiness is a way station between too little and too much.” ~Channing Pollock

    The vast majority of my life has been a giant race to get things I’ve assumed would make me happy.

    More money so I could do what I want when I want. A more meaningful career so I could feel both fulfilled and proud of myself. More connections so I could feel loved and worthy. And mostly, more distractions so I could avoid acknowledging why I was unhappy with myself.

    “I’m making progress,” I’d delude myself. “I’m pushing myself to accomplish big things that will help people all over.”

    While those things may have been true, what I was really doing was chasing the possibility of happiness as it existed in an elusive tomorrow.

    Tomorrow, when I’ve made a name for myself. Tomorrow, when I can be proud of making a difference. Tomorrow, when the stars align just right.

    Though I still have to make a conscious choice to root myself in today, I’ve realized nothing I want will ever bring me joy if I consistently attach happiness to something just out of my reach. In fact, more often than not, attaining those things will just make me feel emptier because it will remind me of the void nothing can fill—nothing, that is, except me. (more…)