Tiny Buddha

Tag: decisions

  • When You’re Confused About What to Do: How to Find Clarity

    When You’re Confused About What to Do: How to Find Clarity

    “Nothing in the world can bother you as much as your own mind, I tell you. In fact, others seem to be bothering you, but it is not others, it is your own mind.” ~Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

    Do you ever feel confused about what to do and unsure about how to find clarity?

    Maybe an unforeseen event, like a layoff or breakup, knocked you into a mental spin. Or perhaps you’re muddling along, with no clue where you’re going.

    Confusion can leave you helpless, indecisive, and afraid. And not knowing what to do only adds to your mental chaos.

    I’ve been there, lost, irresolute, and undecided in life. But, amid my mid-life confusion, life-changing trauma blasted all that mental mess aside and made way for a greater worry—leukemia.

    Yet, surprisingly, cancer guided me toward mental clarity and calm.

    But don’t despair. You don’t need a tragedy to create inner lucidity. Because here’s the three-step method that I discovered to transform confusion into mental clarity.

    Slow Down for Mental Clarity

    Your first step is time.

    A few months before my leukemia diagnosis, I anguished over a career shift. Well into my forties, I heard an invisible clock ticking and pressured myself to make the perfect decision.

    Instead, I only stressed myself. The confusion never left me, and I never arrived at any conclusions.

    Then leukemia halted me physically, forcing me to slow down. Self-isolated, with a weakened immune system, I found myself with an abundance of time. And I used that time to sort out the mess in my head, a mess that suddenly seemed futile.

    I learned that important decisions require contemplation, and contemplation requires time. Only the space to reflect will sort out your mental ramblings.

    So, be kind to yourself and give yourself the time to get clear on what’s clouding your head.

    Depending on your situation, you might need a full day in a relaxed setting to analyze your options and weigh the pros and cons. You could take a week or two alone in a meditative, spiritual, or agnostic retreat vacation. Or you can take a sabbatical.

    The greater your decision, the more time you’ll need.

    Be an Observer

    When you distance yourself from your thoughts, you can better decipher your mind’s turbulence.

    Because physical space isn’t enough. You need more mental space, too.

    Often, as you multitask your hours and days away, you fill your mind with busyness. And a monkey mind only tightens your mental bind.

    So, your second step to mental clarity is to begin noting and observing your thoughts without judgement. How? With mindfulness, which is excellent for both mental and emotional clarity.

    To prevent my mind from wandering to dark places during my frequent hospitalizations, I practiced deep breathing exercises, focusing only on my breath. And that breathing technique forced me to stay present.

    I made fast progress into mindfulness and spotted repeated thought patterns. I realized my confusion didn’t stem from my indecisiveness over a career change. Instead, it masked a profound dissatisfaction with how I was living life. I lacked direction and purpose. So even if I had changed jobs, it wouldn’t have eliminated my mental chaos.

    When you observe your thoughts, the key to clarity is to note them for what they are without criticizing yourself. I noted my thoughts as “fear” or “worry” or “dissatisfaction,” which helped me to understand and accept them.

    Once you let go of your internal critic and accept your present mindset, you cut through your haziness to reveal your true mental and emotional states.

    Trust Yourself, Not Your Confusion

    “You are not your mind.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Once you step away from thoughts, you realize you and your mind are two separate entities, and you don’t have to believe it.

    When this realization sinks in, you can untether yourself from the thoughts that hold you back.

    You’re not confused because you don’t know what to do; you’re confused because you’re telling yourself limiting stories about what you can do. Deep down you know what you want, but limiting fears, beliefs, and assumptions are making you question yourself. And many have no basis in reality.

    For example, you might strive for perfection because you fear making mistakes. And perhaps you fear making mistakes because you’re convinced others can love you only if you’re perfect.

    The ultimate step is to challenge your beliefs to achieve both mental and emotional clarity.

    When considering a career change, I dismissed writing as a possibility. I kept pushing that solution away. And I never questioned myself.

    Yet my battle with leukemia gave me time and presence of mind to challenge myself.

    And what did I discover?

    I never considered writing as a career change because I didn’t believe in my capabilities.

    Because I didn’t believe in myself.

    Only then did I understand my confusion: the lack of self-examination created all of my mental and emotional upheaval.

    With no judgment and no shame, I accepted that limiting belief, hidden in the corners of my mind for ages. And I realized it wasn’t true.

    So, I let it go.

    Are you telling yourself you’re a failure or that you’re not good enough? You won’t know until you begin with some thoughtful questions.

    To help you challenge yourself, try this 4-question technique from Byron Katie:

    • “Is it true?”
    • “Can you absolutely know it’s true?”
    • “What happens when you believe that thought?” (what are your reactions or emotions?)
    • “Without the thought, who would you be?”

    Your answers will most likely surprise you, but also free you from stagnating beliefs.

    When you create space, live in the present, and question your confusion, you will discover mental clarity.

    Conquer Confusion with Mental Clarity

    These three sure-fire steps will lead you on a path to more clarity.

    And, over time, you will be more adept at preventing confusion as you stay present and aware of the mental traps. And each time you get snagged on confusion, you’ll know how to free yourself from it.

    So, take back your power, make better decisions, and live a more courageous life thanks to your newfound mental clarity.

  • 3 Approaches to the Coronavirus (and Which Is Smartest)

    3 Approaches to the Coronavirus (and Which Is Smartest)

    EDITOR’S NOTE: You can find a number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related Tiny Buddha articles here.

    “Don’t try to calm the storm. Calm yourself. The storm will pass.” ~Buddha

    As we all now know, the coronavirus (COVID-19) has been spreading globally. It is a serious threat, less because of the raw numbers involved (as of March 22, 2020, there are less than 340,000 known infected cases with a global population of over 7 billion people), but more because the trajectory is dangerous, the spread is exponential, and the growth occurs very quickly.

    The virus contained would not have been that big of a deal. The virus spreading is a big deal. It is now clear the virus is spreading far and wide quickly.

    The main issue is that the hospitals in affected areas don’t have the capacity to treat the huge spike in coronavirus cases.

    We have already seen this in Italy: People are dying because there are not enough ventilators and other medical resources to keep them alive.

    Yogically, we are trained to make decisions from a place called “neutral mind.” There are three yogic mind centers: positive mind, negative mind, and neutral mind. Ideally, we activate and use all three minds, but the best decisions come from a place of neutrality. This neutrality helps maintain balance.

    Below is an overview of these three mind states and how they might influence your decisions relating to the coronavirus.

    The Negative (or Protective) Mind is given for survival. It is reactive, protective, and searches for potential danger. It is sensitive to pain, and it seeks to shield you from the forces that may disrupt or destroy.

    The negative mind might say:

    -I’m buying toilet paper, bottled water, face masks, surgical gloves, and rations for the next six months. I’m hiding all these rations and developing a plan to fend off my neighbors. If I hear that hospitals are short of face masks and surgical gloves, I’ll ignore it. I need to keep these things for the future. Things are probably going to get ugly—I need to take care of myself first and worry about my community later.

    -The virus is increasing in my area, so I’m going to leave and go outside the city to sit things out for a while. And if the new place gets too many cases of the virus, I’ll leave there too. My plan will be to stay a step ahead of the virus and leave whenever I notice the number of confirmed cases is getting high.

    -I’ll check the local and national news from the big mainstream sources every hour to get an update on the spread of the virus. I’ll update my Facebook feed each hour with whatever I learn. And I know if I add lots of exclamation marks, more people will read what I wrote, so I’ll make sure each post starts with READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

    -I know the virus can travel through the air, so I will stay indoors with the windows closed and the blinds down until the virus is contained. Despite the fact I have a private, enclosed backyard, I won’t use it or even look at it. You just never know…

    It is easy to see how our negative mind can spin out of control. The worldwide spread of the coronavirus is extremely serious. Panic and over-reactivity are not just counterproductive, they are potentially dangerous.

    Hoarding resources when others are in dire need may cost lives. Undermining government efforts for containment is dangerous and may cost lives. If free movement hasn’t been taken away in your area, it means you need to be even more diligent and responsible about your actions. Your poor judgment may cost lives.

    The Positive (or Expansive) Mind searches for pleasure, fulfillment and possibility in how you can utilize things in your experience. It is constructive, risk-taking and active.

    This mind might say:

    -Self-isolate/shelter-in-place means I can work from home. Apart from that, I can still go out and do my regular things.  I’ll try to rally my running group for a run and since most restaurants are closed, I’ll invite my friends over to my house for dinner. If I do this right, shelter-in-place can be a great socializing tool!

    -I feel 100% fine. There is no way I have the virus. And if I get the virus, then I get the virus. I’ll risk it. I’m healthy and young, so I’m going to carry on with my business as usual. Vulnerable people should stay in, but since I’m not in that category, I’m going to take a more relaxed attitude.

    -I don’t personally know anyone who has the virus. I understand it is an issue, but I don’t think I have it in my community or my social groups. And keeping our mental well-being is important too. I’m going to continue to hold my events until someone I know falls ill.

    In the environment of the coronavirus, the positive mind can be dangerous. It is important to understand the big picture and how your positive mind might actually endanger other people during this period. We are in the middle of a serious worldwide crisis battling an infectious disease. It is everyone’s job to get educated, accept the reality of the situation, and exercise personal responsibility. Lives are at stake.

    The Neutral (or Meditative) Mind is the mind that judges and assesses without attachment in relation to your own purpose and reality. The Neutral Mind observes the actions of both the Negative and Positive Mind and judges both in relation to your higher self. 

    In order to maintain balance, this is the mind we need to use when making decisions. The neutral mind might suggest:

    -I’m taking self-isolation seriously and not going out unless it is a mission-critical task. I’m keeping my immune system healthy, keeping a rhythm to my days, and staying as productive as possible. This too shall pass, but it might be months, not weeks.

    -I’m studying the virus growth trends but not obsessively. I want to stay informed, but I understand focusing on bad news I can’t control over an extended period of time is bad for my immune system. Instead, I’m exercising extreme self-care. I’m eating well. I’m making my environment comfortable and nurturing. I’m working out and staying connected with people who are close to me through video and calls. In fact, I’ve even reconnected with some people I haven’t spoken with in a while.

    I continue to be mindful of my news sources as I read about the virus. I’m not getting pulled into sensationalism by going to mainstream news sources to get an update on the coronavirus. That would be misguided. I’m triangulating sources between the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, World Health Organization, and my own county or country’s health organization to stay current on the spread of the virus.

    -When I get invited to do something by someone else, I remind them that I am staying in because I understand the gravity of the situation. I remind them:

    1. The fact they are “feeling fine” is irrelevant. The virus can pass asymptomatically (with no symptoms).
    2. The virus can live on surfaces in excess of seventy-two hours.
    3. The virus can pass through the air for over three hours.

    I understand that unless I’m extremely careful, I might start the day without the virus and end it with the virus because of someplace I went or something I touched.

    I don’t yell and scream at my friends who want to get together, but I help them understand the situation more clearly. And most importantly, I am staying in.

    -I understand the virus can pass through the air, but I’ve done my research carefully and I understand I can go outside, alone, and maintain appropriate distance from other people. I’ll try to use my own yard as much as possible, but if I exercise the right precautions, I understand I could take a walk outside while minimizing my risk.

    -I’m trying to find ways to be useful and of benefit during this period. Lots of people are struggling. I wonder if I can help them.

    -I’m realistic this virus has ushered in a new way of life. I’m focusing on how I can succeed and thrive in this new environment. I’m researching new ways to do business online, and I’m using this time to sharpen my skills. I’m not focusing on when we can get back to “business as usual” because I understand there no longer is business as usual. I’m staying open and alert for opportunities that are heading my way as a result of this new world we are in.

    —

    I write this because I’m observing a lot of chaotic thinking and everything that goes along with that. There seems to be a worldwide mix of the negative mind in overdrive and the positive mind in denial.

    The coronavirus also gives us a great opportunity to exercise more balanced thinking. Scientists predict more situations like this over the next decades from extreme weather and natural disasters, to widespread disease and epidemics. If we are going to survive and thrive in this new world we’ve created, we are going to need to learn to access, cultivate, and exercise our neutral mind.

    Thank you for reading this. Stay safe.

  • You Have to Go with Your Heart and Move Forward

    You Have to Go with Your Heart and Move Forward

  • Why I Chose Authenticity Over Fitting In or Standing Out

    Why I Chose Authenticity Over Fitting In or Standing Out

    “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” ~EE Cummings

    For many years I felt like a fish out of water, but I desperately wanted to belong in the pond. I grew up wanting to be ‘normal,’ to fit in and be like everyone else. As a result, I was not in touch with who I was because I didn’t think there was another choice.

    The blueprint was clear: find a man, settle down, and prepare for a family. Do the career you’ve trained all your life for and climb the ladder because more (status, money, etc.) is always better than less. Buy things because they’ll make you happy. Be busy because this is a sign of success, even if it means you’re stressed and on the verge of a breakdown.

    So I did all those things and it didn’t make me happy, and for many years I denied the things that would. I wanted to feel important and successful, so for many years I put off my dream jobs—writing, yoga, and new age hobbies.

    I didn’t want to be the only gay in the village, so I denied my sexuality.

    I was desperate to shed all these false goals and the materials things I’d collected, which weighed me down.

    We are inherently people pleasers, so we want to fit in—to not rock the boat. But we also want to be successful and be noticed—try to stand out.

    It’s a competing paradigm that tests our authenticity and takes us further away from who we are with this pressure to be something else. Whether we deny ourselves to fit in or push ourselves to stand out, we’re having to be someone else, and that’s exhausting.

    This was certainly true for me, and I tried both!

    Scared of being different, I adopted other people’s styles and opinions and shaped my life to look like everyone else’s—the job I had, the people I hung out with, and the hobbies I pursued. It didn’t make me happy. In fact, it was an exhausting act in a play that didn’t feel like my life at all.

    When I got older, I began to feel pressure in the other direction—to get noticed, to stand out.

    When I started dating there was a pressure to dress up to be noticed and get picked; similarly, at school there was a pressure to try to be top of the class, be noticed, get picked for the team.

    As I climbed the career ladder I felt the pressure to stand out again—to be more extroverted despite my introvert tendencies, to speak up, be the hard-nosed business woman, to chase down the big promotions and be noticed by the bosses, to be picked again.

    Two pressures in opposing directions, but the same results. None of it was me, and both related to my need to please people, conforming and doing what I thought I should, not what was deep in my heart. Hell, I hadn’t even known what that was given how little attention I’d paid to it over the years.

    It can be our people pleasing tendencies that compel us to conform or try to stand out, but our fear of failure is also a huge contributing factor. We don’t want to fall short of society’s ideals, not be like everyone else, not make our parents proud, or not fit the mold for ‘success.’ We don’t want to be left on the shelf or be seen as different, undesirable, or unsuccessful.

    I spent my life doing what I felt I should, what those around me did, what felt ‘normal’ even when it didn’t feel right, even when it disconnected me further and further away from myself. It was only when I felt burnt out and exhausted from a lifetime of acting and feeling desperately unhappy that I thought things must change.

    I wanted to be me and find others who were themselves, but I also needed to find out who that ‘me’ was.

    My resulting action was quite drastic: I quit my corporate career, left my relationship of seven years, and traveled around the world in search of answers. I felt a need to get away from this place I didn’t belong in and wipe the slate clean to rebuild my life in accordance with who I really was.

    A trip around the world isn’t a prerequisite for embracing your authenticity; it’s actually much simpler.

    Ask yourself what you used to dream about as a kid, what is it that you admire most about others, what legacy do you want to leave the world, and what are your values? What do you love to do, and do you currently make time for these things?

    Take a moment to consider what your strengths are and get clear on your values. It also helps to seek out like-minded people. Not only do we feel at ease with them, they help us grow and flourish in accordance with our true selves.

    This need to fit in or stand out can show up in many ways: sending your child to a certain school because it reflects on your status as a family. Taking over the family business because you want to make parents proud. Driving a certain car that reflects your importance and status as a human. Wearing the right clothes because they are ‘in fashion’ and are what everyone around you is buying.

    There is another way, and it involves listening to your heart, not what others say. Follow your own dreams, not those society prescribes. Know who you are and stay in touch with that. Make decisions based on your values and the legacy you want to leave. Rediscover what matters to you instead of worrying about what you think you ‘should’ be doing. And ensure you prioritize your time based on your true priorities—the ones that make your heart sing.

  • You Aren’t Stuck in Life: Commit to Change and Get Started

    You Aren’t Stuck in Life: Commit to Change and Get Started

    “The secret of getting ahead is getting started.” ~Mark Twain

    We all have big dreams, big goals, and big ideas on what we think our life should look like, or how we think life will end up.

    Some of us meticulously plan out our lives, envisioning and letting ourselves daydream as we think about all the stuff we’d love to accomplish. I’d wager that our plans include some pretty big things in life that would make us feel pretty proud.

    The problem is, a lot of us have trouble reaching the potential we’ve set for ourselves. Time kind of flies by, and we end up looking back and wondering what went wrong.

    Well, one reason stands out like a sore thumb: We never really get started doing the things we truly want to do. We’re all guilty of it, and that includes me.

    I’ve cooked up dozens (literally dozens) of ideas or things I wanted to try over the years. How many did I actually try? Far less than dozens; let’s just say the ratio isn’t exactly working in my favor.

    Now, as time has gone by, I’ve been able to explore more of them. But as you know, some of them got shelved for good. I probably don’t even remember half of the things I wanted to try and never did.

    Why did I not try? What was the reasoning behind it? Why did I lack the forward motion necessary to at least attempt something and see if it sticks? I, like you, are fully aware that not everything we do will end up being a calling in life. But you won’t know until you give it a shot.

    To help you better understand this idea pertaining to a lack of motion, one must take a step back and realize that life, in a very big nutshell, is a series of decisions and actions. These two components are crucial for our self-growth and success in life and unfortunately are not mutually exclusive.

    Without making a decision and following it up with action, we could spend our entire lives stuck in the exact same place.

    If you make a decision but don’t take any action, not much will happen. On the other hand, if you take a bunch of actions without any decisions driving them, you’ll aimlessly float around.

    Being stuck in the same place or floating around aimlessly sounds torturous, doesn’t it? It is, and a lot of people must be living real-life nightmares. I had to wake up from my own years ago.

    Good or bad, where you are in life at this very moment is a reflection of all the past choices you’ve made. Some of us will read that and smile, maybe even give ourselves a little nod of appreciation if it’s good. On the other hand, a fair number of us will probably have a hard time digesting it.

    If you aren’t quite where you thought you’d be, I’d like to start by just saying that it’s perfectly okay. Most of us aren’t really where we thought we’d be, and we’re still giving it our best shot.

    There are generally two reasons you aren’t at your “ideal” place. A small chance is that life gave you an obstacle course with things completely out of your control; in other words, life got in the way temporarily. But there’s a bigger possibility you aren’t where you thought you’d be: you just flat out didn’t pursue something. And it was likely out of fear.

    In other words, you didn’t really ever get started.

    The Good And The Bad News

    Let’s start with the bad news: You never got started, and now you’ve wasted some valuable time moving toward your goals. Your life isn’t really playing out like you thought it would, and you feel somewhat stuck with your current habits, lifestyle, relationships, career, and other things.

    Pause for a moment and take a deep breath, as this might have hit closer to home than you’d prefer.

    Good, you’re still with me.

    Now let’s transition to the good news, because it’s actually really good:

    You’re never stuck, and while the best time to start something was yesterday, the next best time is now.

    You, yes you, have the ability to create the life you want, but it requires you to make moves. And while you may have fallen short previously, it doesn’t mean you will fall short going forward.

    Here’s the bottom line: your past does not dictate your future. Your past habits and lifestyle do not have to determine your lot in life.

    The Idea Behind Starting

    You’ve probably heard the quote “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Well, it sure is true. Because really, is anything built in a day?

    Was your house fully built on top of a piece of land in a day? Was that skyscraper completely erected in a day? Did you apply for, interview, and start working at your job in the span of twenty-four hours?

    Things take time to build. Let’s say you’ve been wanting to switch careers because your soul has been sucked completely dry. You planted the career switching seed a while ago, and you’ve been letting it marinate for far too long.

    Yet you haven’t made any moves, and in the meantime, nothing has changed. Does this sound familiar? I found myself in this exact position years ago. I was miserable at a job I didn’t enjoy. I wanted to change, but I got scared of the unknown and didn’t make any changes.

    Years passed by before I got a kick in the pants and decided to take a change. It took getting laid off, but it was the best thing that happened to me. I decided enough was enough. It was time to ultimately change my entire career, and also start exploring other smaller avenues on the side.

    But unfortunately, I didn’t really know the one thing I needed to do professionally in order to be more fulfilled. I knew what I didn’t want to do (hello old career), but I also didn’t know what I wanted to do.

    I began formulating. Writing goals. Crafting some business plans. Attending meetups and networking around areas I found interesting. It was through this meetup that I came across a three-month program being offered in a particular field that I had once tinkered with in high school, but walked away from.

    And voila, I am now in my new career. You can put the pieces together, but I took a leap and joined the program. Fear and all. I was scared, but now I am in a field that is 180 degrees from my previous one. And all it took was attending a meetup. Funny how life works.

    Self-doubt and fear are the two biggest barriers in our quest to make moves. A third, and less talked about one, is pure overwhelm: seeing where you are and looking where you want to go leaves you exasperated.

    This is where movement comes into play. You take steps, however small, toward your visions and goals. You make sure you’re moving forward.

    And here’s the cool thing: The force that you apply, in other words the actions you take, can be extremely small and still produce positive results. This is the idea of micro-movement.

    What does this mean? If you’re scared to make a move because you’re overwhelmed by the end result of where you think you need to go, it’s really important to realize one big thing: your collection of small steps equals big results.

    No one takes a leap of faith and accomplishes life’s biggest goals in the same breath. Life rewards those who take consistent, measurable action, while enjoying a dose of patience and commitment.

    Putting All The Pieces Together

    Most people have an idea of some higher-level goals they’d love to accomplish in their lives. Be it personal, health, finances, career, relationships, or all five, every single one of us has fallen victim to overwhelm and the paralyzing nature of fear.

    But a few things are happening in your favor.

    Namely, the universe is here to aid you in your dreams and desires if you let it.

    It just requires a few things:

    • A decision made internally to change
    • A desire to take the steps required
    • A realization that micro-movements forward are perfectly normal
    • Actually making moves
    • A dose of patience and commitment

    Then, the laws of motion will help you take care of the rest because you’ll have built movement and momentum.

    You aren’t stuck in life. You are capable of making a lot of power moves.

    The key is just getting started.

  • How to Connect with Yourself in a World Designed to Distract You

    How to Connect with Yourself in a World Designed to Distract You

    “The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.” ~Plutarch

    We live in an age of information overload. Our televisions and the Internet are flooding our senses with a myriad of things.

    Researchers carefully craft all the advertisements we watch and all the magazines we read to prime us to think certain thoughts and take certain actions. A particular color, a special tone in the voice, a slight gesture with the eyes—all are designed to do one thing and one thing alone: influence our minds.

    They affect us just enough that the subsequent thoughts we may have seem like our own, and the decisions we make based on those thoughts seem rational.

    On a daily basis, we are ‘primed’ to spend our time or money on something we may not need. A thought is planted in us so carefully that suppressing it feels like denying our most basic instincts. And why not? It stirs our primal desires of power, sex, and influence. The results are obvious, and all around us.

    We are always looking forward to the next gadget to purchase, the next movie to watch, or the next television series to binge on. We are consuming information and material possessions at a startling rate, and we don’t seem to mind. We feel that when it comes to entertainment and information, there is no such thing as too much.

    We also engage in the use of social media as a means of connecting with people. We want to share everything from pictures of our family to the latest meals we cooked.

    Sending out that daily status update makes us feel a certain kind of security about who we are. We know we are living a good life when someone confirms it with a “like” on the Internet. It’s a form of social validation that encourages sharing, often at the expense of true feeling.

    This constant outward search for approval is often the reason why we don’t look for an internal source of approval. We get used to asking others about who we are and become unable to see the reality for ourselves. If they tell us we are doing the right thing, then we must be; otherwise, we are not that sure.

    The result of this trend is we have no time left to reflect or ponder. If, on occasion, we do look inward, we feel a sense of emptiness and fear. Not knowing what to do with it, we try to fill that emptiness with some external source of gratification.

    That emptiness is important. It is telling us that we are disconnected from who we are. This disconnect is one of the main reasons why we end up in painful life situations.

    A few years ago, I was about to graduate from a US university. The job market was tough, and I needed all the help I could get to find decent work. At the time, a professional contact who I greatly admired became my mentor. He seemed to know it all, and I always looked forward to his advice.

    He believed that a person in my field would not find a job easily out of college, especially because I was an international student and would require a work permit.

    He thought that in order to survive, I needed to get certified as a programmer in a particular high-end software. Although it would be tough to get, the effort would be well worth it. And if I still couldn’t find a job, he would get me in touch with the right people himself. And so, it was decided.

    Over the next six months, I spent thousands of dollars on books, coaching, and commuting in order to get certified in a computer language that I struggled to develop any liking for. I was jobless for six months and couldn’t even afford to pay my rent. I lived with friends who were kind enough to let me sleep on their couch and study for twelve-plus hours every day.

    The day after the exam, I had to go to the ER for severe dehydration. It turned out that I had lost close to twenty pounds over the previous few weeks and weighed only 125 pounds. Obviously, I could not afford health insurance at that time and got hospital bills that took me two years to pay off in installments.

    When my mentor found out how terribly I had performed in the exam, he told me my chances weren’t looking good and he wouldn’t be able to do anything for me. I never heard from him again. After a month, I got the result that I did manage to barely clear the passing mark, but it was too late. I had already accepted a job that would let me pay the bills.

    Over the next few years my self-esteem continued to erode. It ended with me leaving the country and heading back to India after four years of struggle in the United States.

    Looking back at why I placed my trust in someone so blindly and continued to face self-esteem issues, I realized that I was totally disconnected from who I was as an individual.

    I knew that I did not like computer languages to begin with, but while making that fateful decision, I ignored all the self-knowledge I had until that point. I put more trust in someone else’s belief about who I was, just because I needed their approval.

    I suffered, not because someone gave me bad advice, but because I was unable to reject it. I kept ignoring my instincts because I thought they didn’t matter.

    A good sign of having lost connection with yourself is that your true instincts feel like distractions, and distractions feel like true instincts.

    When we are distracted, we feel bored, confused, and unmotivated. We become inclined to pick the easiest path from those available.

    The post-Internet world is designed to distract us, disconnect us from ourselves, and keep us that way. It gives us one novelty after another, just like giving a child one toy after another to keep her occupied. Otherwise, she might cry. But sometimes, a child needs to cry.

    We are afraid of crying, of getting hurt, of looking at ourselves as we are. So we prefer to be distracted and entertained, no matter what the cost.

    Is there a way to rediscover that connection with ourselves? To feel centered and confident about who we are; to understand our emotions, feelings, and desires clearly; to know our strengths and acknowledge our limitations?

    Can we know ourselves from moment to moment, every day, not with words or descriptions, but with an actual perception of our inner selves being intact, self-sufficient, and free from outside influence?

    I think there is a way. This three-step process has greatly helped me reconnect with myself. I hope it helps you too.

    1. See what you see.

    Take a moment to notice what you are seeing at the moment. Is it your phone or a computer on which you are reading this, and your surroundings? Or, are you also seeing, at some level, mental images?

    Most of the time, we are unconsciously seeing things, such as what happened at work today, or what our friend said to us, or some scenes from a favorite TV show. At other times, we are often seeing things that we want to happen, or fear might happen.

    The physical eye shows us one reality, which is often mundane, but the mind’s eye shows us a reality that can be quite interesting.

    We unconsciously or consciously visualize things that either give us pleasure or fear. We imagine negative outcomes and think of ways to protect ourselves in case they happen, or we imagine positive outcomes like enjoying an upcoming vacation. Yet, both outcomes exist only in the mind. The present reality contains no such thing.

    Visualization is a double-edged sword.

    As kids we are encouraged to imagine more and more in order to be creative. But creativity isn’t just visualization, is it? It is also about seeing the same reality as others, but differently. The key is being able to visualize when we need to and not when we don’t. Otherwise, our imagination becomes hyperactive and results in a constant stream of images in front of our eyes. As if we were dreaming while awake.

    If we can stop our visualization at will and only see what our physical eyes are showing us, then our mind becomes simplified. It relaxes and naturally draws our attention inwards, to our bodies. Our attention moves from things that exist in the mind to the things that exist in physical reality.

    Quick exercise: Look around the place you are currently sitting in. See all the things in your room, no matter how insignificant. Look at every shape, every color, every corner. Take time to notice it. Look at your own hands and examine them closely.

    Reality is full of physical sensations, not imagination.

    This brings us to the second step in the process.

    2. Feel what you feel.

    If someone were to ask me, “Can you describe exactly all the emotions you are having at the moment?” I would find it difficult to answer.

    We often experience multiple emotions at the same time. Sometimes we are angry but also sad because of our life situation. Sometimes we are at peace with the world but also feel a longing for something better. Sometimes we are full of gratitude, but not without a hint of pride. Our body responds to the emotions we are having through physical sensations.

    When our palms sweat, we know we are nervous, and when our heart races, we know we are excited or afraid. When we are worried, our breathing becomes shallow and our muscles and nerves tense up. When we are happy, we breathe easy, and our body relaxes. The reason is, our mind is telling the body what to feel, based on what the mind is thinking.

    We are so used to living this way that we pay no attention to what the body is feeling without this input from the mind. As a habit, our body obeys our mind, not the other way around.

    For example, what are you feeling in the little toe of your left foot?

    Can you distinguish the sensation in each one of your toes? It’s not that easy, because our mind has never paid attention to it before.

    Quick exercise: Close your eyes and try to discern the shape of your hand by feeling the electrical impulses on the skin and the gentle blood flow in the veins. If you are able to discern only the index finger or just the thumb, then become more sensitive to what you are feeling until you can feel your entire hand. Within two to five minutes you will feel your heartbeat and its rhythm pulsating through your hands. It has always been there.

    Repeating this exercise with our entire body can help us develop a full-body awareness. In my experience, this is a very powerful way of connecting with ourselves.

    The only thing you have to watch out for is what you think about those sensations. For instance, if you find a source of pain, you might hear your own voice say, “Here is that bothersome pain again. What do I do with it?”

    If you hear negative self-talk such as this, it is okay. Listen to it calmly.

    This self-talk points us to the next stage of connecting with ourselves, which is listening.

    3. Hear what you hear.

    Whose voice do we hear when we talk to ourselves? It’s our own voice, or at least how we want ourselves to sound, right? The person who speaks inside our mind is the “I,” and the person who listens is “myself.”

    Boy, do they love to talk!

    The “I” is always telling “myself” things to do, and things to avoid. Even if we go on a solitary hike on a mountain to spend some time in nature, we can still hear the “I” talking.

    But why are there two of us? Commonsense dictates that there should only be one, right?

    Of course there is only one individual, and we can all experience it this way.

    Quick exercise: Close your eyes, and pay close attention to whatever sounds there may be around you. For thirty seconds, listen to every detail you can hear. Then open your eyes.

    While you were listening, was there an “I” talking to a “myself”? Or was there only the experience of listening?

    When you were having that experience, there was no division between “I” and “myself.” They were one! That state of pure listening, feeling, or hearing is the state of connection.

    When we are fully connected, we become whole.

    What happens when we find the connection?

    When we are connected, it is possible to know our pleasures, desires, fears, ambitions, and anxieties for what they actually are. We perceive them with clarity and without any internal conflict.

    For example, if fear arises, we notice a few things about it.

    1. We realize that there is nothing dangerous actually taking place, except in our minds.

    2. That our heart rate changes, and muscles tense up as the fearful thought arises.

    3. That the “I” is talking to us and telling us to be afraid.

    Knowing these things, we are already one step ahead of fear. The next time it arises, we can predict its pattern. Without worrying or overthinking, now we can solve the real problem at hand, if one exists at all!

    When we are connected, our instincts also become stronger, and we understand what is right and wrong for us. We can make big decisions easily and have no regrets later.

    Four years ago, I had a persistent feeling that I should adopt a dog. Despite having no experience raising a puppy, my instincts kept telling me I needed to do it. My parents and a few of my friends advised against it. They said, “You don’t know what you’re doing. You will end up returning the poor animal the very next day.”

    This time, I listened to myself. I went through the learning curve that comes with taking care of a furry friend but never regretted my decision. Today, our life is unthinkable without our dog, and I am a much better person because of him.

    A strong connection is sometimes all we need, and in some cases, all we have, to keep us sane in this evolving world.

  • Why We Feel the Need to Explain Ourselves and Justify Our Choices

    Why We Feel the Need to Explain Ourselves and Justify Our Choices

    “You are responsible for your intention, not your reception.” ~Amy E. Smith

    I’ve realized that I put a lot of energy into trying to explain my decisions. Sometimes those explanations are an honest attempt to connect with another person or to step a little further out of hiding. Often, they are a result of my own self-doubt and desire for people to like me.

    For example, I feel an obligation to say yes to any invitation or request I receive. Sometimes I’m glad to agree, other times I’d prefer to do something else. It gets tricky when the thing I’d prefer to do seems unimportant.

    Wanting a quiet night at home doesn’t seem like a valid reason to decline an invitation to go out. So I come up with all the reasons I can’t go—I’m exhausted and maybe feeling a little sick and I have a lot I need to get done the next day and… and… and…

    For some reason, “because someone asked” is a sufficient reason to say yes, but in order to say no I feel I have to prove that I have an abundance of important and inescapable circumstances getting in the way.

    Recently I had a conversation that prompted me to think more deeply about when, how, and why I choose to explain myself to others. I was explaining my choice, but for very different reasons.

    I had decided to step down from leading a discussion group and agreed to meet with the woman who would have to find my replacement. I didn’t have to explain why I was leaving. I could have given a generic reason or declined to give any reason at all.

    Instead, I chose to offer a fuller explanation. I was quitting because I felt like I had to hide part of myself in order to meet the expectations of the role. I didn’t want to keep hiding who I was and, for me, an important piece of being more visible was offering an honest explanation of why I was leaving.

    In this instance, explaining wasn’t about caretaking her feelings or making sure she would still like me. It was about saying what I really thought and felt instead of letting her continue to think I was who she imagined me to be. Even if she didn’t understand or was disappointed in me, I wanted to be seen.

    We offer (or don’t) an explanation of our choices for a variety of reasons. We can be motivated by fear, guilt, or self-doubt. We can also be honoring ourselves and others.

    There isn’t a straightforward answer to the question of how much to explain and when. While there may be some truth to the idea that we don’t owe anyone an explanation, there are still plenty of situations when explaining is the right choice for us.

    Becoming more aware of the reasons behind my urge to explain myself helps me make better choices about how much to share. Here are some motivations I’ve noticed. What would you add?

    We’re trying to control the other person’s response.

    It’s uncomfortable to be around someone who is angry or hurt or disappointed. If we’re giving someone information we fear they won’t like, it’s tempting to pile on explanations. We believe if we can give a compelling enough reason for our choice, we can ensure the other person will see things our way.

    If we have a good enough excuse for declining their invitation, then maybe they won’t take it personally and be hurt. If we have enough solid reasons for our choice, maybe they won’t be mad that we didn’t follow their advice.

    Maybe if we can make them understand, then they will still like us.

    We’re trying to ease our own feeling of guilt.

    Choosing something another person might not like can prompt feelings of guilt in us. When we feel guilty about our decision, we often turn to explanations and excuses to convince the other person and ourselves that we have a very good reason for choosing the way we did.

    Many of us believe, whether we realize it or not, that other people’s wants, needs, and feelings are more important than our own. We believe saying no or declining an invitation is selfish or rude. We think that in order to be kind, generous, and likable we have to be unfailingly agreeable and accommodating.

    We’re insecure about our own choices and want the other person to validate our decision.

    No matter what we decide, there will likely be someone who doesn’t agree with our decision. It doesn’t matter if the choice is around career, education, parenting, wardrobe, reading material, cleaning supplies, diet, or paint color. While it doesn’t feel great to have people disagree with us, we’re less impacted by their opinion if we are confident about our own choices.

    On the other hand, if we are unsure about our decision, we often look to others for reassurance. We over-explain in the hope that the other person will understand and come around to our point of view. Often, it’s not really about the other person changing their mind as much as it is about needing external approval for our own choices.

    We want to foster a closer, more open connection with the other person.

    Sometimes we choose to honestly share what’s going on for us with the people we care about most. We take the time to be clear about our reasons and intentions in order to increase depth and authenticity in our relationship.

    In this instance, we are not as concerned about making someone see things our way. We’re trusting them to support us whether they agree with our decision or not. Our explanation is not a form of persuasion or manipulation but a sign of respect and a chance for the other person to get to know us better.

    We have been hiding.

    Some of us have a habit of staying silent in order to not disrupt others’ good opinion of us. If we stay quiet, others will often fill in the blanks about who we are with their idea of who they think we should be. It can feel safer to let them think they know us—they might not like us if we share more of who we really are.

    But there are times when the divide between who we are and how others see us becomes too great and we’re no longer content to stay hidden. We may be tired of feeling disconnected and unseen or want to practice more visibility and integrity.

    As we take steps toward greater visibility, people may pushback against the change. We might try to explain for one of the reasons above—to try to ensure they’ll understand and still like us. We might, instead, decide to be open and honest about who we are and where we are, whether or not anyone else understands.

    So how do we know when and how much to explain? Every situation is different and there’s not an answer that’s always right. Taking a closer look at the reasons behind my urge to explain is key but identifying our real intentions can be a challenge. The following questions can help us explore our motivations from a few different angles.

    How will I respond if they don’t like my explanation?

    How we are impacted by the possibility of an unfavorable response can give us a clue about our motivations for explaining. Imagine the other person disagreeing with your explanation. What will you do?

    Will you rush to explain again, more thoroughly and clearly? Will you feel guilty and change your mind? Will you be proud of yourself for being honest whether or not you would be understood?

    As a note, the emotions you experience about their response don’t necessarily indicate that what you chose is right or wrong. You can feel sad, frustrated, or hurt by the other person’s response while also feeling proud of your decision and the way you handled yourself.

    What does it mean about me if they don’t agree with my decision?

    This is where we can gain insight into some of our biggest fears. If we believe their disagreement means something bad about us, we might feel compelled to explain why they should see things our way—even if it means exaggerating or only telling part of the truth.

    If, on the other hand, we can see that their disagreement doesn’t necessarily indicate whether our decision was right or wrong, then we can be more confident that any explanations we choose to give are motivated by connection or respect.

    What do I hope my explanation will accomplish?

    Whether you’re hoping for deeper connection and understanding, to avoid something you don’t want to do, or to win approval, getting clear about your goal will help you understand your reason for explaining.

    Are you looking for reassurance about your decision? Do you need to step into greater visibility? Are you trying to decline an invitation without hurting anyone’s feelings?

    Try to look below the surface answer. For example, if you hope your explanation will change someone’s mind, asking yourself why that’s important to you may reveal another motivation.

    What if the situation were reversed?

    How would you feel if the person you invited assumed they needed to make up lots of excuses to keep you from getting upset with them for declining? What if someone was hiding their opinions and preferences and needs in deference to yours? What if they depended on you to validate their ideas when they couldn’t trust themselves?

    We tend to hold ourselves to a different standard. Switching roles can help shake up our assumptions and give us an opportunity to treat others as we would like to be treated.

    So what do we do?

    Explaining doesn’t come with a set of rules, but here are a few thoughts that are helping me make choices about when and how to explain.

    Get clear about your intention. Why do you really want to explain? Who do you want to be in this situation? Remember, you don’t have to agree to be kind.

    Keep it simple. Longer explanations don’t necessarily bring greater understanding. What is the most important thing you want the other person to know?

    “Thanks so much for thinking of me! I won’t be joining you this time, but I hope you have lots of fun.” Isn’t that way simpler (and kinder) than a string of excuses or agreeing with resentment?

    This takes practice. Our explanation habits won’t change overnight. Take the time you need to get clear on your intentions and think through how you really want to respond. It’s ok to let the other person know you’ll need to get back to them later.

    You likely won’t get your explanation just right every time—I don’t think any of us do. Be gentle with yourself. See what you can learn for next time and keep practicing. Remember, you don’t have to be perfect.

    I’d love to know, what are the main reasons you explain your choices? What helps you offer explanations out of respect (for self or others) instead of fear? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

  • One of the Most Courageous Decisions You’ll Ever Make

    One of the Most Courageous Decisions You’ll Ever Make

  • Do What Excites You: How to Push Through Fear & Make Bold Choices

    Do What Excites You: How to Push Through Fear & Make Bold Choices

    Woman traveling in Milan

    “You’ve got to do things that feel unnatural if you want to grow.” ~Jon Morrow

    “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” my boss said.

    “Yes,” I nodded.

    “What do I have to pay you to make you stay?” he asked.

    I just stared at him. No words would come.

    “There’s nothing I can do, is there?” he said.

    More silence. But my inner voice was anything but silent. I was consumed with doubt and deafened by the bloody battle raging inside my head.

    On one side was caution, armed with the strong, fight-to-the-death breed of soldier. Her battalion was fuelled by countless victories over the dozens of glorious ideas that had fallen on their swords before.

    On the other side was courage, armed with nothing but hope and crazy determination. There was no battalion. Only a thin veneer of pluck.

    Courage won. Only just.

    I could have balked at any moment, backed down from my insane plan and taken the easy way out. I could have taken the lucrative job at one of London’s top investment banks that was being offered to me on a silver platter.

    But my gut screamed, “No, you’ve got to go! You’ll never find what you’re searching for if you stay.”

    Days later, as the plane touched down in the Russian capital, my breath caught in my throat.

    A lone, skinny, baby-faced blonde with a crazy notion to catch the train across Siberia.

    What the hell was I doing? Caution had stowed away in the recesses of my mind and now screamed in my ear.

    Was I mad? Probably. Was I terrified? Definitely. Was I excited? Out of my skin.

    Looking back, I believe courage won the battle that day because it was backed by my overwhelming desire for discovery. I wanted to discover the world and my rightful place in it.

    And the reason it won? Because I listened to my subconscious mind.

    The subconscious mind is the feeling mind. Its ancient roots are primitive, and it’s the home of emotions such as fear, anger, and desire. The subconscious is powerful and tireless. Within it, both my fears and desires became formidable forces. But desire was stronger.

    The subconscious’s nemesis, the conscious mind, driven by logic, reason, and foresight, showed its face in the battle that day as caution and attempted to derail my desire.

    But it’s a fundamental truth that whenever the two minds are in conflict, the subconscious always wins. Deep emotional feelings overpower reasoned thought every time.

    Deep inside my subconscious mind, I knew I was searching for something I could only find by pushing myself to my limits.

    I knew I’d never find it if I continued with my dreary job. I knew that if I’d not found it in my current life already, it wasn’t there. I knew I needed to look someplace else.

    I knew I had no choice but to go.

    So I went. Here’s what I discovered on my journey.

    Discovery #1: Fear works in two ways: it will make you run or it will paralyze you.

    Fear is a curious beast. It manifests itself differently in everybody, but the result is always the same – you fight like heck or you run as fast as you can. But you can’t run or escape a mental threat, so escape becomes paralysis. You escape through inaction. By avoiding the decision itself.

    I experienced both impulses, avoiding and fighting, that day. Terrified by what lay ahead, I nearly caved and said “yes, I’ll stay,” as it was the easiest way to flee my crazy idea. But my fight response kicked in, fuelling my swift and steadfast decision to go.

    Discovery #2: For every decision you make, caution will present hundreds of safer alternatives.

    Successful life decisions are all born as “what ifs.”

    It’s easy to be confused by the volume of possibility and the memories of past choices, and miss the best decision.

    Sure, I could have decided to take the banking job and make lots of money. I could have decided to build a great career with the help of a strong advocate. I could have decided to remain in the U.K. long enough to secure citizenship that would open doors in my future.

    But the strongest and best decision for me was to leave. Because when I fought through the waves of fear and listened to my deepest desires, going on this journey felt right. The prospect filled me with the most glorious excitement out of all the possible outcomes.

    Discovery #3: You’re sharply aware of every door you close but blind to all the doors you could open.

    It’s true. Hindsight is a beautiful thing. The trouble is that it shadows our foresight. I could clearly see every door I was closing that day. Each opportunity reared its stubborn head as I slammed the door in its face.

    But when it came to my future, I was blindfolded.

    None of us have a script for what lies ahead, but we all have a critical role to play in casting the characters and choosing the scenes.

    I chose to be a bold, fearless character that day. I wrote the opening scene and stepped through the door.

    Discovery #4: Every fear conquered today makes tomorrow easier.

    Life isn’t always easy. In fact, it’s damned brutal sometimes. But every battle you face makes you stronger. You’re better equipped to deal with the next inevitable blow you face.

    I faced my fear that day, and in the days that followed. The moment I stepped onto the airport tarmac with my heart in my throat, I wanted to run. The moment I arrived at the crowded train station, feeling confused by the language and scared by the strange faces, I wanted to run. The moment the train shuddered to life and began its fourteen-day journey across Siberia, I wanted to pull the emergency break and run.

    But I stayed. My resolve had been fortified by my hard-won battles of yesterday.

    Discovery #5: The only wrong decision is the one you don’t learn from.

    Everybody’s afraid of making the wrong decision. We’re all afraid of consequences we might not foresee.

    So how do you know if you’re making the right decision? You don’t. I believe no decision is the wrong one unless you fail to learn from it, whatever the outcome.

    If you’re stuck and can’t make a decision, change your view. Take yourself somewhere quiet and think through your options, taking note of how you feel during each moment. The answers are there.

    Why my triumphs can be yours too.

    My decisions, fears, and triumphs aren’t so unique. Everyone experiences them. You experience them.

    Sure, I took the train across Siberia on my own. Not everyone does that. But you can catch your own train.

    Your train can go to a safe, predictable destination. And that’s just fine if it’s what makes you feel good deep down.

    But your train can also go somewhere uncharted.

    It can go through the door to life-changing self-discovery.

    Self-discovery that can only be fast-tracked with a bold, insane-feeling decision.

    A decision that will sit high atop a mountain of arguments and alternatives.

    A decision that will wear the scars of the fight it had with caution, fear, and desire.

    But if you think about it long enough, and listen to your subconscious mind, its power will win the fight.

    And you’ll be the one writing your life script.

    That’s what I chose. Will you?

  • More Information is Not the Answer; More Action Is

    More Information is Not the Answer; More Action Is

    Man thinking

    “Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do.” ~Bruce Lee

    We live in a world where information is literally at our fingertips, twenty-four hours a day, every day. As wonderful as this can be, it can also lead to a number of challenges.

    With so much information available to us it can be difficult to know which way is up.

    The more we read, the more confused we become.

    One source makes a logical argument for one way to do something. Then we read a completely opposing view that is backed by another logical sounding theory.

    This can lead to us freezing. Like a sprinter waiting too long in the blocks for the gun to go off, we have lost the ability to react. We have lost the ability to go.

    Too Many Choices Can Lead to No Choice

    Too many options and choices laid out in front of us can lead to a strange problem where we struggle to make any choice at all.

    What should be a positive suddenly turns to a negative. We’re worried that choosing means we miss out on something else. Or that our choice will not be the perfect choice.

    Distraction Attraction

    The floodgates of information can cause their own form of addictive behavior. We have become attracted to distracted. Constantly checking for updates and new information. Obsessively checking for the latest word from this expert or that.

    Strangely this constant activity feels like progress. The truth is we’re busy, but we’re not focused. Nothing much is getting done.

    The Answer – Positive Constraints Followed by Action

    Another road that can be taken is one where we deliberately limit our choices. We commit to choosing from a more limited pool of information, then we follow through with a healthy dose of action.

    If this works out well, we stay committed to the choice. If not, we go back and choose something else that will work for us. Importantly, we don’t jump around just because there is more on the table.

    Ironically, limiting choice can improve our chances of actually making a choice at all. We put the mental blinkers on and fully commit to what is in front of us instead of flitting from this to that looking for perfect.

    Personal Experience – Subtraction

    In my own case, I have benefitted from limiting choice in several areas of my life.

    My fitness is something that is very important to me. However, I can read too much on what I should be doing by this fitness expert or that. This can lead to confusion and frustration when these experts contradict each other.

    With my training this has led to me chopping and changing programmes too often and not giving a particular program or exercise time to work its magic.

    Worse, I’ve also tried to perform exercises, or follow programs, that are not a good fit for my goals, just because a particular expert says they are “must do” moves.

    With the above in mind, I now limit the information channels I read—fewer fitness blogs, fewer magazines. Instead, I dig deeper into a few sources that I get most enjoyment/benefit from.

    In terms of my actual training, I have limited my exercise selection down to a small pool of big return exercises that suit my body, temperament, and goals.

    Importantly, these are exercises I also enjoy trying to perfect over the long term, and that seem to do my body good. I find them challenging but equally I am happy to do them again and again, with no sense of dread.

    This has left me enjoying my workouts more, results in less confusion, and provides more focus on the goal at hand—a winning combination!

    An Experiment for You

    If you struggle with too many choices at times, try the following:

    1. Choose from a restricted menu.

    Over the next few weeks, stay focused on limiting choices in one area of your life. This could be the blogs you read, the foods you eat, or anything in between.

    Using diet and the foods we eat as an example, it could mean for the following few weeks you will choose to eat only plant based foods. No meat at all.

    Whatever it is, intentionally limit your choices in this area. Focus on a few options only, the ones that are likely to give you maximum enjoyment or results in relation to others.

    2. Block out distractions.

    Once you have your small pool of choices to work from in your chosen area, block everything else out. This will not be easy initially and will require discipline, but it is essential.

    Carrying on our example above of changing our diet, if we’re going plant-based for a few weeks as an experiment, we will ensure all meat products are removed from our home. We will tell friends what we are doing so others know to prepare us plant based fare only if we visit and, if at a restaurant, we only look at the vegetarian options on menus. Out of sight, out of mind.

    We need to cultivate some selective ignorance for this to work. Ignore the strong temptation to let the information floodgates remain fully open.

    3. Commit.

    Fully commit to your choice. Enjoy it, explore it, and revel in the process of making it.

    4. Review—did it work?

    Is your choice having the desired effect?

    In our example of intentionally reducing food choices to plant-based only, are you feeling better and more energized? Have you lost some fat? Are you feeling and looking healthier?

    If not, it’s time to go back to your limited pool of choices and try something else.

    Maybe in this example we add a fish or meat dish once or twice a week only, start the process again, and re-evaluate. Maybe we try staying meatless longer but adding more protein sources, or varying our foods a little more (more green veggies etc.).

    The important thing is we give our choice time to work, rather than staying stuck in making no decisions or in flitting from one thing to another.

    An Information-Driven World

    The world has been opened up to us with the technology now at our fingertips. That should be a wonderful thing if we use it appropriately. How we use it is up to us.

    Try intentionally limiting choice for a while and see if it helps you get out of the blocks.

    Sometimes less really can be more.

  • Follow Your Heart, Not Your Fear: How to Make Choices That Are Right for You

    Follow Your Heart, Not Your Fear: How to Make Choices That Are Right for You

    “Unnecessary fear of a bad decision is a major stumbling block to good decisions.” ~Jim Camp

    Twenty years ago, my wife and I decided to move from Montréal, where we had lived for the first thirty-five years of our lives, to Nova Scotia, 800 miles away, where we had no connections whatsoever. Neither a small decision nor undertaking, since this involved our four kids and the entire contents of our house (not to mention a dog and two cats).

    Why were we moving? We were not moving because of a job opportunity; we enjoyed the life we had in Montréal. And there was nothing, as far as we knew, waiting for us in Nova Scotia. Nothing, except our future, the next stage of our lives.

    But we both had a strong, clear feeling—a felt sense—that it was time to leave. And we both had a strong, clear feeling that Nova Scotia was the right place to move to. Simple as that.

    There were lots of reasons to think that we shouldn’t make this move and take all the risks involved. In the year before we moved, every attempt I made at getting work there fell through. Every attempt I made at finding a house to rent fell through. It was literally only three weeks before we moved that we finally had a place to move to!

    There was plenty of worry, stress, and anxiety, plenty of thoughts saying that this was a bad decision.

    By this point in my life, though, I had learned to listen to my intuition and to the signals of my heart to guide me in my life choices.

    I had learned not to let my thoughts (that is to say, my worries, doubts, fears, anxieties, and apprehensions) paralyze me in my decision-making. I had learned to have more confidence in what my body felt than in what my mind said.

    There was a time when I would have wasted a lot of time and energy debating back and forth and then made a choice I was neither sure was the right one nor fully happy with.

    For the first three decades or more of my life, I was a person who struggled intensely with making choices and decisions.

    I was usually afraid of making the wrong choice and unsure of how to know whether I was making the right choice. Aside from any question about “right versus wrong” choices, I worried about what others would think or how others would feel if I made this or that choice.

    This indecision, this self-doubt, resulted in significant stress and anxiety, sometimes, to the point of feeling too paralyzed to act at all, as well as resulting in wasted time, lost opportunities, and regrets.

    Over the years, I worked in therapy on overcoming anxiety and other issues and learned and practiced meditation, mindfulness, and yoga. Over time, and with consistent practice, I gradually learned how to find a calm center in the midst of those conflicted thoughts.

    I also learned how to tune into my heart with heart-focused meditations.

    I discovered that my heart would always tell me what I really needed. There was always one clear answer from the heart about what was right for me in any given situation. And when I experimented with acting on those choices, the outcomes were always good, and I never felt doubt or regret. There was a consistent sense of acting in alignment with my true self, my true purpose… my truth.

    The fundamental basis for this approach to making decisions is mindfulness. Being mindful means being able to “sink down” below the turbulent surface of thoughts, projections, fears, and perceptions that all clamor for my attention when I have a decision to make. It means having a still center from which I can then be aware of the quieter and subtler signals in my body, my heart.

    When you mindfully tune into your heart, when you separate from your thoughts and emotional reactions, you discover that the heart has a very clear, although sometimes a very subtle, way of saying “yes” and “no.”

    A sensation or feeling of opening, relaxing, warmth, moving toward is a “yes.” A feeling or sensation of closing, hardening, pulling back, tensing is a “no.”

    I have learned to trust that this response from the heart tells me what is best for my overall, integral being, for my physical health, my mental health, my social relationships, my family relationships, and the unfolding of my life purpose.

    Mindfulness is the basis from which this approach to decision-making stems, but making decisions this way as a practice also enhances my ability to be mindful in everyday life.

    It’s an exercise in letting go of attachment—attachment to desires and fears; attachment to expectations of myself, of others, or of the future; attachment to thoughts about what I “should” do; attachment to what other people might think and feel.

    Most of our stress, anxiety, indecision, and doubt around making decisions is rooted in fear. We fear unknown outcomes, or we fear negative outcomes that we project might happen.

    Fear reactions always serve to dissociate us from our true and integral self in the moment.

    In his book The Biology of Belief, Bruce Lipton talks about how a cell is either in defense mode or in growth mode; it cannot be in both at once. The same is true psychologically.

    If we are engaged in fear, even just in our thoughts, and trying to defend ourselves from negative outcomes, then the choices we make will be based on trying to protect ourselves from whatever it is we fear. They will not be grounded in hope, confidence, and faith; they will not be conducive to growth and thriving.

    It isn’t necessarily easy to resist the fear and to listen to your heart. Our brains are wired to prioritize safety; this means that the brain will pay attention to fear and let it guide our thinking. It takes practice and perseverance to find a calm center beneath and within the fear; it’s the work of mindfulness, applied to actions.

    Mindfulness is fundamental as it trains you to detach from the narrative of the fear-based thoughts. But making decisions to act in ways that challenge those fears takes the challenge up a notch.

    Part of the solution is reminding yourself of what has always happened in the past when you acted according to these fears. You will find that there is always some kind of dissatisfaction or disappointment, if not outright frustration, that resulted.

    Part of the solution is working on reducing those fears (try energy psychology techniques or, my favorite, logosynthesis); and part of the solution is in “feeling the fear and doing it anyway”—pushing through the fear and experiencing the positive outcomes.

    I have come to make all my decisions in this heart-centered way, and I have never been disappointed. On the one hand, I can say that I have never been disappointed because the outcome has always been good.

    On the other hand, there is a feeling that comes simply from making a decision this way, based on a felt response in the body, where I physically experience my body saying yes or no, that allows me to detach from expectations about the outcome altogether, and to feel good and confident about my decision, regardless of the outcome.

    I feel good and strong simply because I am making the decision that I know is right for me.

    The outcomes we wish for are not always the outcomes we need or that will be best for us. The outcomes we wish for are often based in a sense of lack, longing, or insufficiency. In my emotional heart I may fear, I may want to avoid something, or I may long for something, desire it.

    In my energetic heart, the response will not be based on any sense of fear, avoidance, lack, or insufficiency. It’s based in a consistent, integral sense of self, in relationship to others, to the world, and to life itself.

    I used to be afraid of confrontation, or even of risking a confrontation by displeasing people. So when it became clear that the dynamics of my birth family’s gatherings were too stressful for my wife and detrimental to her well-being, I was forced to look at it more closely and acknowledge that I felt uncomfortable in those situations, as well.

    I had the usual reaction: “But it’s my family! I can’t just decide not to go for Christmas!” But in my heart I felt clearly that the right choice was to stop attending. Having to take this action and tell them caused me a lot of anxiety.

    I was afraid of the anger and rejection I felt certain would come of it. I delayed and avoided.

    When I did tell them, I was met with confusion, anger, and blame. The response I feared did happen. What didn’t happen is what I really feared—that I would not be okay if they were unhappy with me.

    I was okay. We were okay. It made my relationship stronger because my wife knew I would take her needs seriously and act on them, even though it was uncomfortable for me. It made me stronger because it helped me to realize that even if I made other people unhappy, I could still be okay.

    Knowing I was making the right choice for myself, there was a clear distinction between what other people might think was “right” or “wrong” and what I knew in my heart.

    Letting go of fear opened me up to growth.

    The more you practice decision-making in this way, the more you develop an incredible sense of freedom, an ability to move in this world in a way that is true to yourself and to your life purpose. It helps to cultivate the “courageous self-acceptance” and the “fearless heart” described in Buddhist teachings.

    And when making your decisions becomes clearer, less stressful, and less conflicted, it makes your relationships with others a lot easier. You let go of people-pleasing, of guilt, of feeling like you have to explain yourself or compromise yourself and make decisions that aren’t right for you.

    You may be afraid that if you act according to your heart, you will make people angry. And that may be exactly what happens. But your great fears of the consequences of people being angry with you never happen. You realize that even if you have to deal with loss, you have regained something of yourself.

    Relationships become simpler as you feel a sense of wholeness, of integrity. You know you are acting with integrity, and so you feel comfortable affirming your choices. You feel less defensive when people disagree with you. This is a freedom we should all wish for each other, and grant each other.

    And, in case you were wondering, nineteen years later, we still love living in Nova Scotia. It is home now, and we would never think of leaving. Within a couple of months of moving here, I was working full time. It has been a great place to live, to work, and to raise our children, and we would never think of leaving.

    Our hearts drew us to a place that became home in a way that the place we grew up and began our adult lives in could never quite be. Our hearts drew us to our destinies.

  • Relinquishing Control of Others: 5 Ways It Serves You

    Relinquishing Control of Others: 5 Ways It Serves You

    Letting Go

    “Selfishness is not living your life as you wish to live it. Selfishness is wanting others to live their lives as you wish them to.” ~Oscar Wilde

    My mother is a huge control freak. I am told she got it from my grandmother, who basically ran everyone’s life.

    Regardless, growing up, I noticed that she really struggled with relinquishing control of what we were all doing with our lives.

    It was partly out of love because she just wanted what was best for us, and partly because she feels a sense of panic when she doesn’t know what’s going to happen if the person chooses to go in a different direction than she envisions as the “right” one.

    I inherited my own need to be in control of everything and everyone from her. It took me a long time to learn how to surrender to what was and let go. Not just of the things happening in my own life, but what others close to me were doing.

    I know that when I am outside of somebody else’s personal situation I have much more perspective because I’m not emotionally invested in their drama the way they are. At least, I think I’m not.

    See, that’s the big fallacy! I have come to realize that I do actually get emotionally invested, and I hold onto an expectation that the person will take my advice and do what I so clearly think is the right thing for them.

    Let’s be real—do we really know what the right thing to do is for another person?

    I recently had a great conversation with a close friend of mine who is incredibly advanced on his spiritual path. We were discussing a mutual friend of ours who is currently in a relationship with a woman we know is absolutely wrong for him.

    We have pointed out all the warning signs we see. He has also admitted that he sees them himself and senses them, but still he cannot walk away from the relationship.

    I was expressing my sadness and frustration over my friend not taking my advice or hearing me. I said, “What else can I say to him so he gets that this is a huge mistake?”

    My friend calmly replied, “You’ve said everything you need to. Now you need to relinquish control over the situation and allow his soul to have the experience it wants to have. Maybe his soul needs to have a horrible, destructive relationship to get him to the next level of his learning.”

    Wow. Why hadn’t I seen that?

    It is true that we don’t know the journey that each person is on. And we need to allow the people in our lives to make choices that feel right to them—because what is right for us may not be right for another person.

    When I started to relinquish control over what everyone in my life was doing, I started to feel a huge shift in my energy.

    I realized that by just “holding space” for people, which, according to Heather Plett, means “being willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them or trying to impact the outcome,” I was able to be of better service to them, and in turn allow them to follow their own path.

    Letting go of others’ decisions and any expectations we have of them has a number other benefits. Some of the ones I found were great motivators for me.

    1. You have more energy to focus on yourself.

    What a difference I felt when I stopped obsessing and worrying over every single friend’s problem and trying to figure out how to fix it for them.

    I didn’t realize how draining it was for me to take on everyone else’s “stuff.” When I started to let go of what other people were doing to fix their own problems, I found I had way more energy to focus on me.

    2. It can be more empowering to just listen rather than “fix.”

    People don’t always need us to “fix” things. What they need when they come to talk to us is to feel heard. Nobody likes to be told what to do.

    Releasing control of what the people in my own life decided to do enabled me to be a better listener since I was spending less time thinking of ways to “fix” their problem.

    3. We develop trust.

    When we can surrender to what is, allow things to unfold, and realize that every experience serves a purpose, we start to trust that whatever happens may really be for the best.

    Relinquishing control and allowing things to play out without our interference can reveal some surprising outcomes that we never could have planned and ultimately be the best for everyone involved.

    4. It strengthens our relationships with others.

    When my mother started to release her tight grip on everything I did, we became closer. I understood how difficult this was for her to do, and I had a lot of respect for her.

    By not telling people what to do all the time, we are essentially saying to them, “I trust you to make the best decision for you.” This really strengthens our relationships with them when they believe there is a mutual trust and respect for their judgment and choices.

    5. We learn something new when we watch how others do things.

    I always thought I had all the answers. Clearly not since my life has been in shambles many times over. There is so much we can learn from others when we observe the way they do things. The next time we find ourselves in a similar situation, we may find that their way was the better way.

    —

    When we reflect on all of the reasons it serves us to let go of controlling others, it’s a great excuse to allow the people in our live to follow their own path. Whether it’s the right path or the wrong path is not for us to decide. It’s simply their path.

    Letting go image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Looking for Signs and Trust Yourself

    Stop Looking for Signs and Trust Yourself

    Stargazing woman

    “Always try to remember that most of the things that happen in this world aren’t signs. They happen because they happen, and their only real significance lies in normal cause and effect. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you start trying to pry the meaning out of every gust of wind or rainsquall. I’m not denying that there might actually be a few signs that you won’t want to miss. Knowing the difference is the tricky part.” ~David Eddings

    A few years ago I took the Buddhist precepts at a Zen monastery in northern California. At the end of the ceremony we were all given the symbolic Kesa to wear around our necks while we meditated.

    Afterward, on the drive home, I hit a torrential Sierra snowstorm and pulled into a gas station to fill my tank and make sure everything was running well before I headed into the mountains. When I got home, I realized I had lost my Kesa.

    I called the gas station, the only place I had stopped, but they hadn’t seen it. I continued to call them every day for a week certain that dropping my Kesa on the snow-covered ground was akin to spitting in holy water at a Catholic church.

    I told myself it was a sign that I’m really a flake. My knowledge of Buddhism was superficial at best.

    What right did I have to take the precepts? I obviously wasn’t ready for them. I should have studied harder, meditated longer, been more serious about the whole practice.

    About a year later at another retreat I was talking with one of the monks and she said, “I noticed you never wear your Kesa when you come up here. I was just wondering about that.”

    I hesitated. Lying to a monk would surely be worse than losing my Kesa, so I told her the story as well as my long litany of reasons as to why I didn’t deserve another Kesa.

    When I finished she smiled and said, “All this means is you lost your Kesa.”

    She walked with me over to a closet, reached into a box, and handed me another one. “Maybe it means you were a little absentminded, but that’s it. It’s no big deal and it certainly doesn’t mean you are not worthy of being Buddhist.”

    I have to admit I’ve spent a disproportionate amount of time looking for signs, when in fact, I was really looking for validation.

    Maybe it was to justify a bad decision. And if the signs were negative, like in the case of the Kesa, it just confirmed my feelings of low self-esteem. It was a sign I was really as hopeless as I secretly believed.

    Signs and symbols can be powerful tools for exploring our unconscious, but they aren’t going to tell us what to do or who we are. We have to decide that.

    I have a friend who told me whenever she sees a blue cornflower it’s a sign her deceased mother is saying hello. That seems to me a very sweet and appropriate way to use signs and symbols.

    Of course, she doesn’t literally believe her mother is communicating, but blue flowers have become a symbolic way to remember her love, pause for a moment and appreciate their relationship.

    The symbols we dream can be profound and may be a sign of something we need to look at in our lives. And we can find signs in nature that serve as tools of transformation. But we shouldn’t let them rule our lives. Carl Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

    Do you find yourself looking for signs in nature or the heavens? Here are some thoughts for keeping signs and symbols in perspective.

    Even if the universe does send us signs, how we interpret them is purely subjective.

    The universe and consciousness are mysterious. For all we know, beings from other dimensions could be sending us signs all the time, but our capacity to understand is still limited by the physical world and the bodies we inhabit. It’s probably best to focus on dimensions we know and understand.

    Anything can be a sign if we want it badly enough.

    Once I found an arrowhead near my house and convinced myself it was a sign it would be okay to have an affair with the married, albeit separated, medicine man who had been pursuing me ever since I’d gone to his sweat lodge as a guest.

    In this case common sense rather than signs won out and I pointed him and his buffalo drum back to his wife. If you find yourself pulled in a direction that you know is probably not good for you, trust your good sense and don’t let signs lead you astray.

    Believing too strongly in signs can be disempowering.

    As a woman with a history of abuse and bad decision-making, I feel strongly about the rights of empowerment and dignity for all humans of all ages. Allowing yourself to be ruled by signs and portents not only takes away your power of choice, it excuses you from responsibility.

    Stepping up to the plate and taking responsibility for your part in things is incredibly empowering.

    Focusing too much on signs takes us out of experiencing the moment.

    We usually look for signs either as justification of something we’ve done or as portents about what to do in the future. Often, we already know what we should do deep inside and looking for signs can lead to obsession.

    Instead, next time you have to make a hard decision, sit quietly for a while. Get practical advice, look at the situation rationally, and then decide. It will probably work out just as well as waiting for a feather to float down and point you in a certain direction.

    None of this means you have to give up astrology, runes, or the Tarot, but use them as tools for unlocking what’s already inside you. They are not signals from the universe that you should do one thing or another. You already have all the answers inside. Trust yourself.

    Stargazing woman image via Shutterstock

  • Changing Directions: 6 Tips to Help You Do What’s Right for You

    Changing Directions: 6 Tips to Help You Do What’s Right for You

    Man at a Crossroads

    “If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” ~Lao Tzu

    One month before my girlfriend, Sara, gave birth to our first child, we decided to move back to my small hometown to be close to my family.

    This was a great moment for my family, especially for my mom and dad, who had given up hope of me moving back a decade ago.

    I sold my apartment and we signed a rental lease in my hometown. Everything was set and good to go. Sara and I were happy, and we had a plan to follow once the baby was born.

    However, the joy lasted no longer than a long Norwegian summer month.

    When our daughter, Luna, entered the world on the first of June, Sara and I had big doubts about our move.

    Sara didn’t have a job in my hometown, and there aren’t many jobs available. She’d probably have to commute to a larger city, Stavanger. That would result in her spending three-plus hours commuting, losing time with our newborn daughter and me.

    We were aware of this situation before. However, after Sara gave birth, she realized that she didn’t want to spend more time away from Luna and me than absolutely necessary.

    Also, we couldn’t get a bank loan since Sara didn’t have a job and I’d just started my business. And the monthly cost of renting is a lot more expensive than owning an apartment.

    Lastly, we did not have the same network of people in my hometown as we do in nearby Oslo (the capital of Norway).

    Even though we both had a gut feeling that it was wrong, it was still a hard choice to make.

    First of all, we had nowhere to live. I’d already sold my apartment and I didn’t want to cancel the deal, since it would cost me about $10,200 in expenses.

    It was even more expensive to rent in nearby Oslo than in my hometown, which would make it an even worse deal.

    And I didn’t actually want to rent, since I’d previously owned an apartment. I thought it would feel like taking several steps back.

    I talked to the real estate agent who sold my apartment, and he said that the prices on property would continue to rise, regardless of the media saying that the prices would soon have to reach their peak. So buying an apartment would be the best move for us.

    Since I’m normally a calculated guy who is good when it comes to planning and making strategic decisions, I was embarrassed that we were having a change of heart.

    My mind was probably clouded by knowing that I was going to become a father for the first time.

    I didn’t want to hurt my dear family’s feelings, but we had to follow our gut instinct.

    After several evenings of the same discussion and a feeling of uneasiness that made it hard for us to sleep, relax, be happy, and enjoy our time with our newborn daughter, it was time to do what was right, regardless of how difficult it was.

    I’ve been through a lot of challenges and changes in my life; however, this is by far most challenging choice I’ve had to make.

    Why? Because it involved hurting the feelings of the people who I love the most—my dear family.

    Still, we made the decision that we knew was right for us, and it was time for some massive action.

    We cancelled the rental lease in my hometown, searched online for apartments (both for rent and for sale), and chose three for sale that we would take a closer look at the next day.

    After seeing those apartments, I told my family that we weren’t moving, due to our lack of secure income, and explained our situation. They were, of course, sad but they understood the situation.

    Fortunately, we won the bidding war and were able to buy the apartment we liked the best. When I told my family the good news, they were happy for us, despite their disappointment (which is one of the reasons why they mean so much to me).

    We did all this in a period of three days. None of this would have happened if Sara and I didn’t have a strategy and take massive action.

    Throughout this process, I learned six lessons about changing directions.

    1. Accept the change.

    Your life situation can change in a split second, and you have to adapt.

    It’s not always easy to change your mind in life, but even if it’s hard, it’s worth the effort in the short-term to avoid feeling unhappy and regretful in the long-term.

    Sara and I would have been unhappy if we moved, since every single fiber in our body told us that it was the wrong decision.

    2. Don’t procrastinate.

    Procrastinating on big decisions only makes it worse, and they will weigh you down and can make you become depressed.

    3. Face the fear.

    It’s natural to feel afraid of making a hard decision when you fear upsetting other people. However, the most important thing is that you are happy. The people who love you likely understand this and realize that you need to do what’s best for you.

    4. Explain the situation.

    You might fear that people will judge you for your decisions. I was afraid of this too, but they understood when I explained why we needed to make this choice. In addition, the explanation took a bit of the sting out of the bad news.

    5. Follow your gut feeling.

    Tune into your intuition. It will tell you what the right decision is.

    You might feel physically sick when you think about the choice that isn’t actually right for you. You might find yourself asking people for advice and hoping they’ll give you a specific answer, which means that it’s likely the answer your intuition is telling you is right.

    6. Decide to act—and then do it.

    The same recipe for achieving your goals also applies to making a change.

    • You have to identify what you want to change in your life.
    • You have to find out the price of the change. What do you have to sacrifice?
    • You have to have a strong why. Why should you be willing to go outside your comfort zone and complete challenging activities in order to create change?
    • Then you have to decide. Are you willing to pay the price in order to successfully implement the change in your life?
    • If you decide that you will make the change, you have to commit to completing all the necessary tasks whether you feel like it or not.

    Remember that you can’t make everyone happy. The most important thing is to think about your own needs. Only by taking care of your needs can you be there for other people.

    Now you have the recipe for how to handle big changes.

    Go out there, follow your gut, and face your fears!

    At the end of the day you are the one who have to live with the consequences of your choices. You will thank yourself in the long run when the storm has settled.

    Man at crossroad image via Shutterstock

  • Why You Shouldn’t Wait For Others to Validate Your Decisions

    Why You Shouldn’t Wait For Others to Validate Your Decisions

    Decisions

    “Do not let another day go by where your dedication to other people’s opinions is greater than your dedication to your own emotions!” ~ Steve Maraboli

    One thing I’m great at is procrastinating. Another thing, overanalyzing every decision I make.

    I can even question and try to reason which route I should take to walk the dog. It is truly outrageous, when I think about it.

    This leads to paralysis through analysis, and inevitably a fear to commit to change. This is how I got stuck.

    A few years ago I was feeling immobile and underwhelmed in my life. I had a good career, a house, and a car that I purchased all on my own, and I’d traveled the world. Still, I felt stuck to the life I was living and thought something needed to change, but I couldn’t quite figure out what I wanted to do.

    So I did what every successful and independent women would do: I broke it down, made lists, and asked my friends and family what they thought I should do. Smart, right? Wrong.

    The problem was, I was turning to others to validate my feelings and my intuition. How could I ask other people to validate how I was feeling? As a savvy businesswoman who makes smart decisions all the time, I sure missed the boat on that one.

    It’s like asking a stranger what they think you want for lunch.

    That was one of the biggest life lessons that I learned during my life transition. Stop waiting for others to validate my decisions.

    As much as they loved and cared for me, they didn’t know me. I mean, of course they knew me, but they didn’t truly know what was at the core of my decision. They weren’t in my head and my thoughts, and they couldn’t feel my soul and my longing. Besides that, they couldn’t understand it.

    Why would they understand it, and more importantly, why should they?

    I am speaking about my parents, whose generation was all about dedication, loyalty, and of course, security. To give up a secure, high paying career that I had worked so hard for was completely incomprehensible to them.

    Some of my friends had settled down into a contented family life and were enjoying motherhood. To them, having a family was their true calling, so they couldn’t understand why I would start to focus my energy on starting my own business as opposed to finding a spouse.

    My other friends were at ease working nine to five and had never thought about the possibility of questioning or changing it. They would be fine to continue on that path, without making a change. Why mess with a good thing?

    After having these conversations for more than a few years, I realized that I no longer needed to wait for others to validate my decisions. Not only that, but I may never get their validation, and I wasn’t about to wait another minute to live my life for me.

    I was looking for their approval not because it was something I truly needed to move forward, but because I feared failure and hoped that I could hear that someone believed in me.

    I concluded that it didn’t matter if they did because I believed in me, and that’s worth so much more.

    I realized that no one else needed to understand what I wanted or where I was going because no two people are on the same path in this life.

    I was living the life that that everyone else wanted for me and no longer doing what I wanted nor what I was passionate about. I was getting deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole, and I needed to dig myself out once and for all and be true to myself.

    So I did it. I took the first step and enrolled in my first course, I spoke to my boss at work to explain what I was doing, and changed my position and reduced my hours (and my salary) in order to pursue my passion.

    I was terrified, but I did it anyway. Nothing was going to change in my life until I decided to change it.

    And then the most interesting thing happened. I finally got the validation that I was seeking for all those years and confirmation from the people around me that I was making the right choice.

    At the end of the day, though, I realized that it was more important to ask myself what I was projecting in those moments.

    Those people, the naysayers, they were showing up for me for a specific reason and triggering a specific pain point for me. That was my true challenge. That was what I needed to work through.

    There will always be naysayers, those that think your choices are unrealistic, ridiculous, or won’t ever work. They are most likely projecting some of their own fears and doubts.

    I like to think of them as challengers to test your true commitment.

    When they show up for you, ask yourself why you need their validation. What are you missing in your own confidence to move forward?

    And I’ll also add, the naysayers are probably going to be the first to congratulate you at the finish line. Since I found the courage to move forward, mine are my biggest cheerleaders.

    The more you believe in your own decisions, the less you need others to. Go out and live the life you dreamed of. You’re so worth it!

    Yes or no image via Shutterstock

  • Rethinking Mistakes and Recognizing the Good in “Bad” Choices

    Rethinking Mistakes and Recognizing the Good in “Bad” Choices

    Thinking Woman

    “Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown

    For most of my life, I’ve seen the world in black and white, and I’ve felt constricted and pained as a result.

    When I was a young girl, I believed there were good people and bad people, and I believed I was bad.

    When I was an adolescent, I believed there was good food and bad food, and because everything tasty fell into the latter category, I channeled the shame from feeling bad into bulimia.

    And when I grew into adulthood, I believed there were good decisions and bad decisions, which may sound like a healthy belief system, but this created extreme anxiety about the potential to make the “wrong” choice.

    When you see life as a giant chess game, with the possibility of winning or losing, it’s easy to get caught up in your head, analyzing, strategizing, and putting all your energy into coming out victorious.

    Back then, I thought for sure that if I made a misstep, I’d end up unhappy and unfulfilled, not to mention unworthy and unlovable—because there was a right path and a wrong path, and it was disgraceful to not know the difference.

    One pointed toward success and bliss (which I desperately wanted to follow), and one led to certain doom.

    With this in mind, I thought long and hard before moving to Spokane, Washington, at twenty-two. To live with a stranger I’d met on the Internet. And had only known for two months and met in person once.

    Okay, so I didn’t really think long and hard. But I felt in my gut, when we first connected, that this was the right choice for me.

    In fact, I felt certain, something I rarely felt about anything (except my innate bad-ness).

    He told me we were soul mates, which was exactly what I wanted to hear, especially after spending six months bouncing from hospital to hospital, trying find the worth and substance locked somewhere within my cage of bones.

    It made sense to me that, if I had a soul mate, he wouldn’t live right next door.

    Disney may tell us it’s a small world, but it’s not; and I thought for sure there was something big awaiting me 3,000 miles from my hometown near Boston.

    People told me I was making a mistake when I shared the details of my plan.

    Some said I was too fragile to move out of my parents’ house, even if I’d planned to move close to home.

    Some said I was a fool to think this man was my soul mate, or that I had one at all.

    Some said I’d one day regret this choice and that they’d have to say “I told you so.”

    But I felt absolutely confident in my decision—until he came to Massachusetts, two weeks before I was scheduled to move, to meet me for the first time.

    I knew right then it was wrong, somewhere in my gut. I didn’t feel even the slightest spark, but my “soul mate” and I had already planned a new life together. Before we’d even met.

    And I didn’t want to admit I’d made the wrong choice—not to him, who I was sure would be devastated, and not to the others, who I feared would be smug and self-righteous.

    So I moved across the country anyway, thinking that maybe I’d feel differently after getting to know him better.

    If you’ve ever seen a movie, you know exactly how things didn’t pan out. Since life isn’t a romantic comedy, I didn’t eventually realize he was my soul mate and fall madly in love.

    Instead, our individual demons battled with each other, we fought for the better part of six months, and we eventually broke each other’s spirits, broke down, and then broke up.

    You could say, after reading this, that I had made the wrong choice—especially knowing that I knew, the day I met him, that he wasn’t the man for me.

    You could say I’d chosen a bad path, running away from home in a misguided attempt to outrun who I had been.

    These are things I assumed I’d think if I ever decided it was time to leave.

    And yet I didn’t think these things at all. In fact, this was the very first time I broadened my vision to see not just shades of grey, but a whole rainbow of vibrant colors.

    Yes, I’d made an impulsive choice, largely driven by fear and fantasy. Yes, I’d acted against my instincts. And yet I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it had not been the “wrong” choice.

    Because right then, I realized that, despite things not working out as I planned, I’d learned and grown through the experience, and it had served a purpose, even if not the one I originally envisioned.

    Our demons colliding was a blessing, not a curse, because it forced us both to more closely examine how our issues affected our relationships—mine being toxic shame and destructive tendencies, and his being his business, and not for public consumption.

    Moving so far away was valuable, not shameful, because it taught me the difference between running away from what I didn’t want and running toward what I did—a lesson I struggled to apply for many more years, but, nonetheless, now understood.

    And acting against my instinct was a good thing, not a bad thing, because it taught me to listen to my intuition in the future, even if I might disappoint someone else—a lesson I may never have fully embraced without having had this experience.

    That’s the thing about “wrong” choices; they usually teach us things we need to know to make the right choices for ourselves going forward, things we can only learn in this way.

    Notice that I wrote “the right choices for ourselves”—not the “right choices.” Because the thing is, there are no right choices.

    There isn’t one single way that we should live our lives, or else we’ll be unhappy. There isn’t one path that will lead us to success, bliss, and fulfillment.

    There isn’t a straight ladder we’re meant to climb, hitting milestone after milestone until we emerge at the top, victorious, with the view to show for it.

    There’s just a long, winding road of possibilities, each with lessons contained within it—lessons that can help us heal the broken parts of ourselves and find beautiful pieces we never knew existed. Pieces we couldn’t know existed until we made choices and saw how we felt.

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned since that very first move, over a decade ago, it’s that life never offers any guarantees. And it can also be incredibly ironic.

    Sometimes the people who seem to make all the right choices are the least happy with the people they’re being and the lives they’re leading.

    We could spend our whole lives looking for external validation that we’re following a path that’s “good”—living in a narrow, black-and-white world, feeling terrified of making mistakes.

    Or, we could commit to finding something good in every step along the way, knowing that the only real mistake is the choice not to grow.

    I don’t know if this is right for everyone. But I know this is right for me.

    On this Technicolor journey of unknown destination, I am not good nor bad, not right nor wrong, but most importantly, not restricted. In this world of infinite possibility, at all turns, I am free.

    Thinking woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Hear Your Intuition When You Don’t Know What to Do

    How to Hear Your Intuition When You Don’t Know What to Do

    Confused Man

    “Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.” ~William S. Burroughs

    Sitting in my office, I stared at the email in front of me.

    My heart sank.

    All energy and joy left me, to be replaced with confusion, anxiety, and a deep sense of frustration.

    As adrenalin rushed through my veins, one question engulfed my mind leaving little room for the answer.

    What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?

    I just didn’t know.

    The email was from a client. Someone who I had worked with for a long time. Someone who wasn’t listening to me. Someone who was causing me unhappiness.

    And as I re-read the email, I knew I had to make a decision.

    Could I deal with this any longer? The demands, the lack of control, the sharp tone that always seemed so unnecessary.

    Or did I have to stick it out? Put up with those feelings, just get on with the work and do the best I could? I needed the money, after all. Cash was tight—could I survive without this client?

    What should I do? What should I do? What should I do? 

    And then, in that one moment in time, it became clear exactly what I needed to do. I needed to step away from the computer. I needed to get outside. And I needed to breathe.

    So that’s exactly what I did.

    Twenty-four hours later, I was on the phone explaining to my client that I didn’t feel we were right for each other anymore. That we needed to bring things to a close. That it was time for me to move on.

    And move on I certainly did.

    That day when I stepped outside and went for a walk, I found peace and quiet, a sense of calm understanding, and most importantly, a moment of absolute pure clarity.

    My intuition spoke. And I listened to her.

    I realized that I had to remove myself from the situation that was causing me so much distress. Forcing myself to continue was no longer an option; it was not what my body and soul needed. Instead, I needed to follow my heart.

    And so, I let go of that client along with all those negative feelings. And I created space.

    Space for new people. New places. And new experiences.

    And do you know what? Once I made that decision, it was like an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

    My energy and joy returned to me in abundance, and I knew with absolute certainty that I had made the right decision.

    Once again, my intuition had guided me. And she hadn’t let me down.

    Tuning into your intuition during troubled times can be difficult. With so much noise, information, and clutter within the world, our thoughts can often be clouded with distractions.

    However, there are lots of ways that you can help your intuitive voice find its way to you. Just follow the tips below.

    Step away from the situation.

    I’ve found that during these times the best thing you can do is allow yourself some breathing space.

    Stand up and go for a long walk, head out into the wilderness, browse some antique shops, meditate, sit with a coffee and watch the world go by. Whatever you love doing, whatever calms you, now is the time to do it.

    Find some quiet space to let your mind wander, and your intuitive voice will have a far greater chance of being heard.

    Be honest with yourself.

    It can sometimes be very easy to ignore your feelings and push them away.

    We might push those gut feelings aside and take what may seem like the easier option because we’re afraid of failure, changing direction, and saying no.

    However, ultimately this is about your happiness. And if something doesn’t feel right, then maybe it’s time for a change.

    Be honest with yourself and acknowledge those unsettled feelings; they are there to guide and support you. Listen to them.

    Turn to your journal.

    I have found writing in a journal to be an incredible method for tuning into my intuition.

    Acting as a safe space to release emotions, work through problems, and process my thoughts, it can allow for greater self-discovery and understanding.

    Next time you are having difficulty making a decision, pick up a pen and some paper and let the words flow out of you. Reflect on the situation, explore those feelings, and consider the bigger picture.

    This free-flowing use of personal writing can be a wonderful catalyst for removing blocks and letting your intuitive voice lead the way. Just let the words pour out of you.

    — 

    The intuitive voice is a powerful one, but it often needs a quiet, calm, reflective environment to find its way.

    Learn where you can find some peace, go there when times are hard, and listen with all your might to what your heart and soul are telling you.

    Your intuition wants to guide and support you. So give it the space to be heard.

    Confused man image via Shutterstock

  • Releasing the Need for Certainty and Trusting Our Decisions

    Releasing the Need for Certainty and Trusting Our Decisions

    Peaceful Woman

    “If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.” ~Unknown

    If you’re like me, you’re hard on yourself—and I mean hard.

    You analyze your decisions and try to somehow calculate the results of your actions to feel a sense of certainty. Little did you know that searching for the certainty causes all of your insides to do flips and only causes more uneasiness.

    What I always wonder is where did the need to know come from? I remember being a free spirit with no worries as a child (as I’m sure most of us were—the beauty of naivety), but never did I have the need to just know first so I could be happy second.

    Where does this need to know come from? 

    I’ve recently been reading a few books by Don Miguel Ruiz, the most current being The Voice of Knowledge.

    A chapter in the book talks about our personal stories we have in our heads—the truths we tell ourselves based on our past experiences and overall beliefs about ourselves. We all have them, and we all utilize them to interpret the world in our own way. 

    These stories have become so ingrained within us that we almost don’t notice we’re still holding onto the things that no longer serve us.

    They teach us “because this happened in the past, this will happen again.” Even though the situation could be entirely different, we hold on to these “truths” for some surefire way to predict an outcome before we even know what it will be.

    We no longer trust ourselves to make the right choice because we want the certainty that it will work out the way we want it to, so we can avoid any hurt or disappointment. I’ve learned that this is actually the quickest way to disappointment, hurt, and unhappiness.

    We put so much of our energy and tie so much of our happiness into the outcome of this one decision, and we then beat ourselves up when it doesn’t turn out “right.”

    I’ve been there many times before, and I have to say, it’s still a work in progress toward fully understanding this concept and practicing its lessons. This has been most apparent as it pertains to my relationships.

    For a long time I was torn from a past relationship. I analyzed every bit of it until I had no clue what I was looking at. (Haven’t we all been there?) I closed myself off in fear because a part of me wanted to avoid making a wrong decision and ending up in a similar predicament where I had allowed myself to be hurt.

    Now that I’ve moved on, I’ve found that at times I still carry that fear of uncertainty with me, the fear that trusting myself isn’t enough to know what is right. And that is why I say I’m still a work in progress. I’ve had to learn to let go of these “truths” and stories in order to see things fresh.

    Realizations don’t always lead to immediate changes, but recognizing is the first step.

    I’ve gone a little bit easier on myself over time, but I’ve tried to remember that happiness doesn’t come from knowing; it comes from living through what life gives us.

    It can’t be about figuring out some correct equation to all, because one equation can never fit any and every situation.

    At the end of the day, the best thing you can do for yourself is trust in what feels good to your soul, but first open the space within yourself to receiving these feelings. If you close yourself off emotionally and get caught in your head, you won’t know how to feel anymore.

    So as a reminder to me and as a reminder to you, go easy on yourself. Respect the space within you that desires the freedom to live, without the need to know right at this moment.

    There is never a true state of knowing because we are constantly learning; there is just a state of trusting and accepting the choices we make and knowing every outcome is a lesson—even if we’re still opening ourselves to receive it.

    Photo by Giuseppe Chirico

  • Trusting Yourself to Make Decisions Instead of Always Seeking Advice

    Trusting Yourself to Make Decisions Instead of Always Seeking Advice

    “To thine own self be true.” ~William Shakespeare

    No one knows the real you but you. Sometimes it is true that we don’t know ourselves. That’s because we’ve lost ourselves, or maybe because we never knew ourselves to begin with.

    I grew up a long time ago on a hill on Bentley road in Puyallup, Washington. I was a very quiet, shy, and reserved little girl. Today, I am a forty-two-year-old woman. I am still introverted, but I am learning to be more assertive.

    As a co-dependent people pleaser, I grew up with a lot of self-doubt and shame. I didn’t have a sense of self at all. I was like a leaf that the wind blows away, and I needed to be more of a tree with deep roots, grounded and rooted in love.

    Growing up, I received a lot of conflicting and negative messages from my family, such as “you are loved but you are flawed.” I was hungry for the approval of others.

    I learned not to trust my ability to make a good decision because the people in my life did not validate my view of reality. My brother used to tease me a lot. I tried speaking up about the mistreatment, but my parents didn’t take my complaints seriously.

    They did little to address the situation because of their high levels of shame. It just got swept under the rug, and so I got the message that it wouldn’t matter if I spoke up, because those in authority would not protect me.

    It took me a long time to see that I could have a different opinion than other people and still be loved and accepted.

    When I did make a decision, I got the impression that people are in your life to change your mind, and guilt and shame were good tactics to achieve that.

    This has made it extremely difficult for me to make and stick to decisions.

    If you think you aren’t qualified to make a good choice then you’re going to be afraid to make any choice.

    I have often run around asking multiple people, “What should I do? What should I do?” I invited them to give me input. But then I was angry with them for “telling me what to do.”

    What I was really telling myself is that my opinion didn’t matter. I valued other people’s opinions far above my own. I disowned myself. Somewhere in my mind I thought that they must have known better. After all, what in the world could I know? I grew up believing that if you think you know something then you are very proud.

    But there is no shame in speaking from a place of truth.

    You do know something and that is not a bad thing. In fact, you probably know more than you think you know. But thinking you don’t know anything keeps you from taking the good advice you would give yourself. And it keeps you dependent on other people.

    People seem to lose respect for people who are wishy-washy and can’t make their own decisions. In other words, people who can’t think for themselves are also people who don’t respect themselves because they don’t respect their own opinions.

    It takes a lot of courage to stand up and take personal responsibility for your life and actually “own” your decisions.

    I have let others play the scapegoat by allowing them to be my decision makers. For example, because of my lack of assertiveness in my marriage, I was handing over my brain and responsibilities to my husband.

    I think it was because of fear but also laziness on my part. But no one can really be happy this way. You won’t be happy, and the other people won’t be either when they hear you blame them for your choices.

    Ask for advice if you feel you need it, but take it with a grain of salt. In the end, you are the one who needs to live with your decision. The gurus won’t be the one with the consequences of your choice.

    Don’t be so afraid of making mistakes. Fear of the choice being “bad” keeps you stuck. Accept that you are human. As far as I know, all humans make mistakes. The only ones that won’t give you grace are the ones that have no grace for themselves. So lighten up a bit.

    I know some truths that I need to stop denying and start accepting. That unsettled feeling in my gut is there for a reason.

    It’s time for me to stop sweeping things under the rug and start having the courage to speak up. I need to tell myself that I am relevant and my opinions matter, and that by standing my ground I can be a positive force for change, because I have something to say that someone out there may need to hear.

    I have come to the conclusion that I need to trust my best judgment, stick to my decision, follow through, and let the cards fall where they may.

    I think the important thing to realize is that life has a way of working out. Even if we make the worst possible choice, we still have the freedom to make adjustments.

    So let yourself try what feels right for you, and don’t worry about making the “wrong” decision. One of the best things I have learned is that the world is a place to explore, and it will embrace you if you embrace it.

  • How to Hear Your Inner Wisdom When Making Tough Choices

    How to Hear Your Inner Wisdom When Making Tough Choices

    “Everyone who wills can hear their inner voice. It is within everyone.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    Do you struggle with listening to your inner voice? Do you doubt yourself and every inner signal you get? You’re not alone.

    A decade ago, I didn’t know that I could follow my heart. I’d never heard of the concept of inner wisdom or inner voice.

    I started following my interests and doing what made me feel good, and this is the essence of doing what you love and listening to that subtle voice inside of you.

    The problems start when we listen too much to outside sources.

    We start to think that we’re doing it wrong. I went through one of these periods myself. Looking back, I see that while it was a period of struggle, it also helped me go deeper into what worked for me.

    What is Inner Wisdom, Anyway?

    You may get nudges from your soul by getting inspirational thoughts. It may be an unexplainable feeling that gets you into action. Or you may see an image in your mind.

    My inner wisdom is a blend of all of the above. But more often than not, it communicates through feeling.

    I like to say that it’s like I have cat whiskers all over my body. I feel my way through life.

    I still misinterpret the messages I get. Sometimes I follow fear. Sometimes I give in to resistance. I’ve learned to be okay with that.

    This doesn’t have to be serious. You can play and experiment; see what messages you get.

    How to Listen to Your Inner Wisdom

    With that said, let’s look at how to connect to your inner wisdom.

    1. Calm down.

    When my mind is calm, the connection to my inner wisdom is the strongest.

    When my mind is in turmoil, I try not to make any decisions because I don’t have access to my cat whiskers.

    If I’m in a negative state, I might go for a walk, wash the dishes, or meditate. I don’t necessarily try to get rid of the negativity, but I simply stop what I’m doing and take a break.

    When you take a time out, gradually your calm will return along with the connection to your wisdom.

    2. Stop trying so hard.

    I’m good at bullying life into place. I want to figure it all out. I want to force results, and I want to have achieved my goals last year.

    But I’ve noticed that the more I try to push, the more slowly things go. It’s like getting stuck in quicksand. If I try to dig my way out, I only sink in deeper. Instead, I have to let myself be pulled out.

    This doesn’t mean I become complacent. It means I notice what I have control over and what I don’t.

    And it goes back to calming down. When you’re worried about what might go wrong in life and you’re trying to fix an imaginary problem, the connection to your heart is severed.

    But once you let go and become aware that you don’t know where life is going, you can relax and peace can return.

    3. Be patient.

    My inner wisdom shines through when I’m patient. When my partner and I were looking for a house, we knew approximately what we wanted, but we didn’t try to push it.

    We were patient. We looked at different options and listened to our hearts. I let days pass because I noticed that the more distance I got, the clearer the signal from my inner wisdom.

    The realtor would try to pressure us, but we took our time. We weren’t going to rush into a big decision like buying a house.

    One day, we saw a house come on the market. It didn’t look impressive online. We almost dismissed it. Then we went to have a look, and the moment I stepped in the door, my inner voice said yes.

    We still didn’t jump on it. We waited a few days to see if the feeling would change. It didn’t. We ended up buying the house, and I’m sitting in a room right now writing this article.

    So when you want to get feedback from your inner wisdom, get the feedback over a couple of days or more. Don’t put pressure on yourself to get an answer right now, right here.

    Mistake to Avoid

    The biggest pitfall I fall into over and over is stressing about whether or not I’m on the right path.

    I still worry, but less than before. I’ve come to accept that life will take me where I need to go. I can only do my best with what I have.

    I don’t have to force myself to do anything. All I can do is listen to the quiet voice within me and see where it takes me.

    I don’t know if the struggles I’m going through today are what will help me get to where I need to be.

    When you’re honest with yourself, truly honest, you realize that you don’t know what’s going on in life. You don’t have control over it. All you can do is live life to the best of your ability.

    What You Need to Remember

    When I started reading about living a heart-based life, I thought that if I could just tap into my inner wisdom, my life would be filled with euphoria.

    But I’ve since realized that life is filled with life, which means both ups and downs. We see individual events as bad because we isolate them.

    However, we don’t know where we’re going or what our path looks like.

    I’ve discovered that the more fun I have in life, the smoother the ride goes. I don’t take life too seriously. Meaning, I don’t have to panic when something happens.

    In the end, your inner wisdom is always there, just like the sun is behind the clouds on a rainy day, waiting for you to relax.

    All you have to do is calm down and pay attention.

    Don’t be in a rush. Don’t try too hard.

    But have fun, and notice how your inner voice works.