Tiny Buddha

Tag: dating

  • If You Always Date People Who Aren’t Good for You, Read On

    If You Always Date People Who Aren’t Good for You, Read On

    “I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” ~Stephen Covey

    Just a few short years ago, I sat across the table from a lovely man on a first date. It had taken a couple months to get there due to our busy schedules, but it seemed to be worth it. He was easy to talk to and seemed like a great guy.

    During the course of the evening, we discussed what we were looking for and he told me that he was still married, but his divorce would be final in a few days. While I was disappointed to hear this, I rationalized it. I told myself that at least he was honest about it, and besides, he was almost divorced.

    The divorce took place just as he said, and I decided to continue seeing him. What followed was a yearlong very painful, but sometimes fun relationship.

    It was on again, off again, and never quite came together. He would decide that he really cared for me and tell me so with tearful declarations, then back away. The last time he ended it was via text message.

    Unfortunately, I hear similar stories all the time. The common theme is: two people meet and feel instant attraction but hear alarm bells or see red flags. They decide to continue to date anyway because the feelings are there.

    There’s a whirlwind romance for a few weeks or months after which things end painfully. Then he or she is heartbroken and ready to lose faith in love.

    This breaks my heart because it’s so very avoidable. We need to remember that we have choices, even when it comes to love. When we take responsibility for our lives we give ourselves the power to create the things we want.

    We tend to think that matters of the heart are outside our realm of influence, but I disagree. If we would only take our love lives into our own hands instead of leaving things to chance and bemoaning the results, we could have the love we so long for.

    It really is up to each of us to create the best lives possible for ourselves, and we must step up. The best way to do this in your love life is to start dating smarter.

    A lot of us believe that we can’t choose who we’re attracted to, that we must go with either our hearts or our heads. We tend to think we must choose passion and accept the pain that comes with it, or settle for people who bore us but are good to us.

    I used to think this way, but what I’ve found is that it’s possible to adjust one’s preferences over time. With a bit of persistence, we can train ourselves to want what is good for us and to make better, healthier choices.

    You can make a commitment to yourself and the life you want to live. You can then make choices that are consistent with the commitments you make.

    You already do this in other areas of your life. You know that you can make healthy food choices to help you stay in shape and live a long life. You go to the gym for the same reason. You head off to work or school even when you don’t feel like it because you enjoy the benefits that come from these actions.

    You can choose to date smarter by dating only those people who are capable of having a healthy relationship with you.

    Many of us feel that we can’t stop ourselves from ending up with people who hurt us over and over again. We long to make better choices, but just can’t seem to feel anything for potential partners who would be good for us.

    Most of us live inside our comfort zones, and unfortunately, having unfulfilling romantic relationships may be part of the life you’re used to living.

    If you always end up dating people who mistreat you, abandon you, or are emotionally unavailable, consider the possibility that this may be happening because of a pattern you’ve developed.

    Once you’re able to see a pattern, you can decide whether or not it works for you and commit to changing it if necessary. You can choose to take your love life into your own hands by developing patterns and habits that will result in your ultimate happiness.

    We formed many of our patterns early in life as an attempt to have our needs met by our primary caregivers, usually our parents. This makes sense because we learn how to interact in the world from them before anyone else.

    When I uncovered my own patterns, I found that I believed that it was best to meet my own needs as much as possible. I was terrified to count on anyone else or ask for anything because of the way in which I grew up. I thought that no one would want to be with me if they were to discover that I was not perfect.

    I hid parts of myself I thought others wouldn’t like and didn’t date very often. When I did, I chose men who didn’t want to get close enough to see me. In this way, I kept myself safe, even though it meant being excruciatingly lonely for many years.

    Have you developed patterns and habits that are keeping you alone? If so, it’s never too late to trade them in for some new ones.

    Consider making new choices about who is allowed to be part of your life. Some examples include; ending relationships with anyone who is toxic to you, only spending time with people who treat you well, and dating only those who are emotionally available.

    It will take some time to get used to this new way of dating, but it is possible to teach yourself to appreciate partners who treat you well. Start by giving them a chance.

    Instead of prioritizing looks, job descriptions, and finances, how about placing more importance on emotional availability and kindness? If someone is excited about you or indicates that they are interested in a relationship, why not see where it goes instead of categorizing them as “desperate”?

    Try spending time with different types of people, especially if you tend to go for one “type” all the time. You may not feel instant chemistry, but over time you’ll become accustomed to being treated well. Once you do this for a while, you’ll wonder what you ever saw in the people you used to date.

    If all the people who are good to you aren’t your “type” then you need a new type. These things can be changed, just like habits. It may not be easy to change, but it is possible if you act consistently over time.

    This is a much better strategy than giving up on love or waiting for the person who treats you poorly or dumped you to realize what he or she lost. Spoiler alert—they won’t. They may return, but you’re likely get more of the same or worse.

    As for me, I was finally able to see that I was pushing away perfectly wonderful men because they seemed too excited about me. It wasn’t long after that last text message from Mr. On-again-off-again that I met the wonderful man who became my husband.

    I was able to welcome him into my life and let him love me, and it was fun, easy, and drama-free. There was not a single red flag to be found.

    I saw that things can happen very quickly with the right person when your hearts are both open and you know what you want. It really doesn’t have to take very long or be difficult.

    You have what it takes to have a wonderful relationship if you want one. If you will commit to the life you want to have and then take actions that are consistent with your commitment, you’ll be well on your way.

    You don’t have to be a slave to your emotions or settle for whatever life hands you. True and lasting love is almost inevitable if you will take action on your own behalf.

    Start right now by taking responsibility for your love life and dating smarter. Your future happily in love self will thank you.

  • What I Learned from Loving the “Wrong Person” and Why I Don’t Regret It

    What I Learned from Loving the “Wrong Person” and Why I Don’t Regret It

    “Some people come into your life for a reason, some a season, and some a lifetime. However long it was, be thankful for the gifts you received from them.” ~Unknown

    When I first met him, we instantly clicked. We became fast friends aided by the fact that I was dealing with my father’s death and he was by my side whenever I needed someone. He was empathetic, easy to talk to, and very open. I related to him immediately.

    Early on, it became clear to me that while we were friends, we would not make a good romantic pair. We had extremely opposing political views and philosophies on life, as well as different communication styles.

    For example, in the beginning we would get in arguments about religion. I consider myself spiritual, but I am not very religious. He would constantly try to get me to have religious conversations with him. From my point of view, it felt as if he was trying to push his beliefs on me. It was exhausting. I didn’t feel respected or heard in my spiritual journey.

    I also felt like he was a different person, depending on what group he was with, which made me uneasy. I try to be authentically me wherever I am, and I love who I am. As he shifted personalities, it was very confusing to me. It made me wonder, “Who are you really?”

    My friends shook their heads, telling me he wasn’t good for me. “Angela, he is too judgmental,” they’d say. “I just feel like there is something very off about him; he makes me nervous.”

    As I got to know him better I suspected that one reason for his behavior was that he had previously been involved in an extremely toxic relationship. In fact, it was so dysfunctional that law enforcement got involved.

    It made me ponder, “Do I really want to be with someone who attracts this kind of relationship into their life?” But I stuck by him during that time because he had been so present in my life when my father passed. I believed he deserved the same thing from me.

    On the day he kissed me, things started to get fuzzy. When we were alone, things felt very relationship-y. However, when were in our regular environment, we acted like best friends. I told myself that I could balance the division, but I couldn’t.

    I started to shove the multitude of reasons we shouldn’t be together under the rug, only to take them out occasionally to shame myself for wanting to be with him.

    As the months passed by and our weird relationship continued, I realized I was starting to have authentic feelings for him. I was wearing rose-colored glasses and only saw the good parts of him, but I still didn’t feel right about the nature of our relationship.

    One morning it finally hit me. I’d had a dream that he slapped me across the face. In the dream, I was sobbing, begging him for forgiveness as I held my hand over my black eye. I woke up crying because the dream felt so real. While in “real” life he had never physically hurt me, I realized I was feeling disrespected emotionally by him and myself. I knew I had to make a change.

    I broke things off with him about a week after that. It was beyond difficult. He was mature about it and apologized for his part in the ordeal, but it was not the route I wanted to go. So many parts of me wanted to go on acting like nothing was wrong, but my heart knew that it wasn’t a path I could travel any longer.

    While loving someone “who is not right for you” can be painful, you can also find some amazing lessons. Love isn’t always meant to stay forever. Sometimes it only stays for a season, but that doesn’t make it any less beautiful or valuable. Here’s what I learned from my relationship.

    1. Sometimes even when we know something won’t necessarily end well, we still have to go through it.

    When we took our relationship to the next level, I knew in my gut that this was likely not going end in a happy way. I would never change to be the agreeable, conservatively Christian girl he wanted to date and eventually marry. My mentor told me. My sister told me. My friends told me. But, I still wanted to go through it. Why do we this?

    I remember talking to a therapist a few years ago about this phenomenon. She said, “Honey, we aren’t here on this earth to rise above life. We are here to walk through the mud. The magic is in the mess.” We learn our lessons by going through intense life experiences, not by skipping through them.

    2. We need to release the shame.

    This goes along with lesson one. Shame is such a tricky emotion, and one I wrestle with daily. I felt so much shame for having feelings for someone I knew in my heart was not the best person for me. I would beat myself up constantly. I realized that if I wanted to move on I had to stop putting myself down. Shame was keeping me stuck.

    To release the shame, I would talk to myself like I would talk to my best friend. My best friend went through a similar situation this past summer and I always told her, “Honey, I don’t know if this is going to end well and this doesn’t look healthy. However, if this is what you need to go through for your growth, I will be here to hold your hand and catch you when you fall.”

    After she moved on from the situation, she told me how much this meant to her. “You were the only friend who didn’t judge me. You acknowledged my journey. It helped me move on a lot faster to have someone accept me exactly where I was.”

    In this case, I needed to be my best friend. I wish that in the past, I would have metaphorically taken my own hand and told myself that I would be there for myself through the mess. I needed to do that for me.

    3. Giving and receiving love are natural human needs.

    I realized that part of the reason I’d chosen to be with this man was that I wanted to give and receive love. That’s a beautiful thing. I love loving people romantically. It feels great, and when it was just us, living in the present moment, it was a beautiful experience.

    On the flip side, I do believe it’s important that give your love to someone who can receive it with a pure intention. I recently saw a quote by Lisa Chase Patterson, “I always say, never sleep with someone you wouldn’t want to be.” I wholeheartedly agree with Lisa, but I believe it goes deeper. Don’t give your heart romantically to someone you don’t want to be.

    4. Acknowledge the dark parts in yourself and love them.

    I have been involved in mindfulness studies since I was sixteen. I hold myself to a high standard and want to be an example of a mindful being, but I am still human.

    There are still parts of me that seek love out of neediness and wanting to be accepted. There are parts of me that are attracted to fixing people and feeling in control. While I have worked through a lot of pain and trauma in my life, there’s also still this little girl inside of me who wants everyone’s approval. These are parts of myself that I work on daily, but I have to be patient with myself.

    Lots of times we attach to beliefs about ourselves at a very young age and we have to peel them away layer by layer. It can take a long time. Patience is required. However, I think this process is what makes it beautiful. Life is not a race; it’s a journey.

    While this love story will not end in a relationship status update on Facebook or a proposal, it ended with some beautiful memories and some even more extraordinary lessons. I realized I don’t regret our kisses. I don’t regret sharing my secrets with him. And I especially don’t regret loving him. Instead, I choose to be grateful for how the relationship helped me grow.

  • 5 Lessons from a Dating Detox (for Anyone Who’s Looking for Love)

    5 Lessons from a Dating Detox (for Anyone Who’s Looking for Love)

    “Sometimes when you lose your way, you find yourself.” ~Mandy Hale

    Ever since I can remember, I was determined, even desperate, to find love. My life felt empty and lonely.

    I wanted to be happy and feel loved. I believed everything would be all right if only I had my man.

    For years my self-esteem was non-existent. I had no clue how to build a relationship with a man. I had no boundaries. I felt unworthy and unlovable.

    I started dating online. I kept meeting different men and occasionally I would meet someone who I would see for a while.

    Because of my low self-esteem and desperation, I often ended up with men who were not ready to commit or couldn’t give me what I needed.

    After a few months I would feel drained and the relationship would come to an end. Again, I would find myself back on the dating scene desperately looking for Mr. Right: flicking through tonnes of profiles, interacting with hundreds of men and meeting a handful of them only to find out that I had nothing in common with most of them. It was frustrating and disheartening.

    I was stuck in this cycle for years. A relationship, a breakup, serial dating; a relationship, a breakup, serial dating …

    It was an emotional roller coaster: of hopes and disappointments, loneliness and tears, rejection and heartbreak, with the odd bit of fun.

    After my last low quality relationship, I panicked. I was thirty. I had no husband, no kids, no house, nothing to my name. And I still thought that having a man was the solution.

    I redoubled my efforts, going on a string of boring and uninspiring dates with guys who had nothing to offer.

    By this point, I was absolutely exhausted with the whole thing. I was tired of dating and chasing love, tired of waiting for The One, tired of hoping, tired of having to constantly pick myself up and put myself back in the dating game.

    At that point I had lost my all faith in love, which although didn’t feel nice, was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.   

    After one of my boring dates, I woke up the next morning and couldn’t even remember the guy’s name. It felt wrong.

    I reflected upon my last few dates and realized that I didn’t want to waste my time any more.

    This was the moment of truth. For the first time in my dating career I was honest with myself and admitted that all my crazy dating efforts hadn’t brought me my desired outcome. I was nowhere even close to finding The One.

    I felt useless. I felt like a failure. I felt like there was something fundamentally wrong with me since I couldn’t even find one freaking man with whom I could be happy. How much dating do you have to do to find one man, right?

    I sat down and asked myself a few questions: Why am I running away from myself? Why do I so desperately want to have a relationship? Why can I not stop dating and just be with myself for a while? And most importantly, what am I learning from being single? That was it. I took a notebook and started writing and the answers kept flowing.

    After asking myself these fundamental questions, I realized that the only thing to do was to stop dating. I wanted to take some time out to re-evaluate my approach to love and romantic relationships.

    I deleted my online profiles and cancelled my memberships. I started my dating detox.

    I felt a deep desire to reconnect with myself. For about two years I didn’t even think about men. I focused on myself. I didn’t pursue anything. I stopped hoping. I let go of my expectations. I was free.

    I began to appreciate many things about my single status. I found so many blessings in living my life as a single person. I genuinely started to like being single rather than run away from it.

    The more I connected with myself, the less lonely and desperate I felt. I stopped fearing lonely weekends as I filled them with things I loved doing. Life became easier.

    I started to enjoy spending time on my own. I became comfortable with silence and solitude. Bit by bit I was finding myself. Then one day, I felt complete for the first time in my life. I had found my bliss.

    After my transformation, I was ready to date again—just for fun, with no expectations. I definitely wasn’t looking for a serious relationship.

    The quality of my dates improved as I became more selective and had stronger boundaries.

    I went out with a few high quality men and I enjoyed my dates even though I didn’t click with them romantically. I had more fun.

    A few short months after my detox, I met a charming, wise, mindful and very loving English man who exceeded all my expectations. I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me.

    For the first time in my life, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with a man, not a boy, for a change.

    And together we have a little munchkin who has brought even more fun and happiness to our lives. This is something I had given up on a long time ago; with my luck in love I didn’t believe that I would ever find a man who I could have a family with.

    When I became happy with myself I became also ready to meet a happy and emotionally healthy man. Having done the inner work, I had become the woman who was ready to attract her dream man. I became the person I was looking for.

    Dating detox was the best thing I could have ever done to turn my love life around.

    My journey through seven years of singledom, more than a hundred online dates, and one dating detox had taught me many lessons and helped me find myself. I want to share five of the most important lessons with you.

    1. Accept where you are.

    Resisting being single will only create more conflict within yourself. I hated being single for years. I desperately wanted to be in a relationship to feel happier, but I kept attracting wounded men like myself.

    This running away from being single didn’t serve me one bit. I eventually came to the realization that being single is being in a relationship with oneself. This is the most natural relationship of all, but we have been conditioned to believe that we need someone else to be happy and fulfilled.

    If there is no man or woman in your life, you connect with yourself. Nothing will give you more comfort than finding this secure place within yourself.

    Make the most out of your life while you are single. There are so many advantages to being single and it is time to start to count your blessings.

    Accepting your single status is a crucial step in becoming ready for a relationship. When you become a happy single person, the desperation for a romantic relationship disappears. You are then in a much better place to attract someone who is emotionally healthy and happy.

    You want to find yourself in a place where you want a relationship, but don’t need one.

    2. Take responsibility for your own happiness.

    For years I had been putting my happiness in the hands of men. I spent too many years being miserable waiting for a man to come along and make me happy; every time I was single I was unhappy.

    When I realized that I might be single for another five or ten years, it hit me that I didn’t want to spend them being miserable. I stopped putting my life on hold and started to enjoy my life in the here and now.

    I stopped postponing my happiness. I started to do all the things I had imagined doing with my future partner. I signed up for the gym. I travelled more. I started to save up for my future house. I took up swimming, working out, yoga etc.

    And guess what. When you are happy you become more attractive, and you attract a different kind of person.

    Not only did my single life improve but also my dating and love life.

    Most of all, I discovered that I didn’t need anybody else to be happy. I realized that I was responsible for my own happiness and not some man as I had believed for many years.

    3. Recognize that your relationship with yourself is the most important one.

    I figured that the relationship I have with myself is the only guaranteed relationship I will ever have. Others might come and go, but I can’t ever escape myself.

    The quality of the connection you have with yourself will determine the quality of your relationships with others, including romantic relationships. If your relationship with yourself is not happy and healthy, it will be difficult for you to create a healthy and happy relationship with someone else.

    Your romantic relationship is only as good as the relationship you have with yourself.

    I tackled loneliness first. I started to spend more time in my own company. I scheduled quality time with myself in my calendar. I had Sundays to myself. Solitude and silence became my friends. I wrote a lot, kept a journal and made time for self-reflection and meditation.

    These practices helped me dive deeper within myself and I began to feel stronger and more secure within myself. For the first time in my life, I started to enjoy being with myself.

    4. Self-love comes first.

    If you don’t love yourself, you cannot fully love others and neither can you fully receive love. It took me twenty years to understand what self-love actually is.

    And for me it is a practice, not a feeling. It is a practice of choosing myself and what feels right for me.

    When you start practicing loving yourself so many things start to change in your life.

    Your confidence and self-esteem increase. You have the courage to be your authentic self. You stop looking for approval. You become better at asserting your own needs when it comes to dating. You recognize your own value and you aim higher in love. You have stronger boundaries. You become more selective. These all lead to making better romantic choices and choosing better partners.

    Self-love is seriously powerful. I found true love when I started to love and honor myself, and I thought my job was done.

    Now that I am in a relationship, I realize that this work never ends. You constantly need to practice self-love. You will find new depths to this practice and experience new aspects of self-love. But to be happy in a relationship you must first love yourself.

    5. Find yourself before you find your partner.

    To find true love, you need to know your true self. Take some time to explore who you really are. Spend some time in solitude and be prepared to answer some honest questions about yourself.

    Question your beliefs, as you may find that some of them are not even yours! What are your needs? What are your dreams? What do you want? What is important to you in life?

    Attracting a partner from a space of knowing yourself well usually results in finding someone who values and wants the same from life. When you don’t know who you are, you also cannot know who you want to share your life with.

    Finding yourself is also about realizing that you are a whole and complete person. It is about understanding that you are capable of satisfying your own needs and desires. It’s about making your own dreams come true, being comfortable on your own, having a strong relationship with yourself and living your life as a single, proudly and boldly.

    When I look back at my single life and all my struggles in love, I now understand that I was searching for love in the wrong way. If I had to do it all again, I would start with a dating detox and getting to know myself first.

    Only then you can find your true match and build an amazing romantic relationship with another person.

  • How Introverts Can Meet People Without Bars or Booze

    How Introverts Can Meet People Without Bars or Booze

    happy couple hiding behind big white blank board

    “Be yourself, because an original is worth more than a copy.” ~Unknown

    There was a moment during my twenties years when I realized I was an introvert.

    Now, this may sound like a mundane realization to you, but trust me, this was the Big Epiphany of my young life.

    I spent my teenage years pretending to be someone else. Like a lot of my friends, I went out as much as possible. I partied. I was loud.

    Until it dawned on me: I hated going out. I hated parties. I wasn’t loud. Honestly? I just wanted to stay home, drink coffee, and wear sweatpants.

    This is the story of how I re-learned how to connect with people—without the bars and booze.

    Once I realized my life needed a change, I did a complete 180. I didn’t ease out of my old lifestyle so much as stopped cold turkey. Needless to say, my old friends didn’t want to hang out with the new me and I ended up with no one to talk to. It’s shocking how quickly an introvert can get lonely.

    This loneliness lasted years. I questioned everything I knew about myself. Who was I? Was I broken? Would anyone want to be with me as I was? How could I be an introverted homebody and make a completely new group of friends?

    I also realized I wanted to meet a woman and settle down, but I had no idea how to meet anyone without my old crutch of liquid courage and thumping music.

    Eventually I stumbled into the world of pickup. I read dating books and watched YouTube videos. Finally, I felt like I had the answer! Dating would ease that loneliness, right?

    For a while, it did—until I realized I was seducing women with another guy’s personality, which wasn’t a good way to attract someone for a long-term relationship.

    Eventually I exchanged dating books for personal development blogs and, through a lot of trial and error, came up with my own system for meeting women (and making new friends) using my introverted qualities.

    Here’s how I did it:

    Ditch the Bars & Clubs

    Bars are not a place for people like me. If you’re introverted, you know what I’m talking about. The too-loud music. The sticky floors. The screaming conversations.

    Instead, I became more conscious about going places I already went in my daily life—coffee shops, volunteering, hiking… pick your poison.

    This made it easier for me to approach not only women, but any new person. If we both enjoyed this activity, it was more likely we were going to have at least one thing in common.

    Do Quiet Activities in Social Places

    Even after axing bars and clubs, I still wanted to stay home and watch Netflix, but I knew I wouldn’t meet the woman of my dreams if I stayed home.

    While I had no intention of going full-on out out, I started taking my non-social activities to social places. So instead of doing homework in my PJs on the couch, I’d take my laptop to a coffee shop and talk to anyone I encountered. Even something simple like chatting up the barista made me more confident in my booze-free social abilities, while also rewarding me with a daily jolt of human interaction.

    Want to read a book? Do it in the park.

    Exercise? Sure, you could work out at home with your favorite DVD, or you could join a local gym.

    There’s power in local community, and you’d be shocked who you’ll meet out in the real world if you’re open to it.

    Give Up on the End Game

    The biggest shift I made during this period was to remove an expectation of outcome.

    For those of you dying to meet the love of your life, hearing the words “Just stop trying so hard!” probably makes you want to punch me in the face. But it really wasn’t until I stopped expecting every interaction to lead to an immediate new friend or partner that I actually started meeting new friends and, ultimately, my partner.

    When I was deep in the world of pickup, I learned that the more women I approached, the better my chances. The second I sensed my conversation “going nowhere,” I had full permission to extricate myself. I had an End Goal, and the entire point of going out was the meet it.

    The result is, of course, a lot of stress, zero deep interactions, and a lot of frustrations.

    Only when I started approaching people out of curiosity did I actually enjoy the process.

    Only when I stopped focusing so much on the “outcome” did I actually get the outcome I wanted.

    Put another way: As you move through the world, engage with it. Enjoy the process. Embrace the journey of a thousand little micro-conversations. Be present during every social interaction. Ask the questions you want to ask. The answers might surprise you.

    Today, instead of lying about who I am, I’ve created a smaller, tighter group of friends.

    And, best of all, I actually like myself.

    I had always assumed introverts were losers. Turns out, we have a ton of characteristics that make us extraordinary: We’re good listeners. Information just doesn’t go in one ear and out the other. We’re able to tap into other people’s worlds and really connect.

    Eventually, I met my now-fiancé. We met online of all places, so I guess it’s not that old-fashioned after all. But it wasn’t until I was really honest about who I was and who I was looking for, did my perfect match actually show up.

  • Why Playing Hard to Get Doesn’t Work (and What Does)

    Why Playing Hard to Get Doesn’t Work (and What Does)

    Happy Couple

    “Confidence isn’t ‘They will like me.” It’s ‘I’m perfectly fine if they don’t.’ ” ~Unknown

    After the death of my husband, I spent my thirties as a single mother of four children. It was a tough decade. I often felt lonely and frustrated, and dating was a nightmare.

    I constantly gorged on self-help books, hoping that they’d reveal whatever my “problem” was so that I could fix it and finally find the love I so desperately craved.

    Many of these well-intentioned books contained dating tips designed to make someone fall in love with me. They invited me to steal hearts, catch and keep partners, and otherwise engineer my romantic success by adopting certain behaviors considered to be desirable.

    Could it really be as simple as getting off the phone first, not returning a phone call, or saying that I was busy even though I was home folding laundry? Since I really wanted love and it was for the good of all, I thought, “Why not? All’s fair in love and war, right?” The thing is, these strategies never worked for me.

    Perhaps you can relate. You want to share your life with someone, and you’re more than willing to do what it takes to make that happen. Maybe you hope to learn a few easy hacks so that you can check finding love off your to-do list and get on with your life.

    We’d all like to find a fast and easy way to get the things we want, myself included. Unfortunately, looking for the easy way didn’t work for me, and it wasn’t until I accepted that and got down to business that I attained any results worth achieving.

    The problem with relying on dating strategies like these is that they only address behaviors, not beliefs. Your behaviors are important, but it’s your beliefs that drive them.

    If you don’t address the source of your behaviors, lasting change won’t be possible and your behaviors and beliefs won’t be consistent. This is why some people seem “fake” and other people who do the exact same things come off as genuine.

    Many relationship books encourage us to behave in ways that are consistent with having confidence and valuing ourselves highly. If you don’t truly value yourself, acting like you do might mask this fact, but eventually the truth will come out.

    No amount of game playing will turn you into a high-value person. Believing in your own value and acting accordingly will.

    Take an honest look at yourself with a true desire to discover, not criticize yourself. Be loving and gentle with yourself and be curious.

    Are you treating yourself well? Do you establish and keep good boundaries in your relationships and at work? Do you stand up for yourself when you need to? Are you taking good care of your body, finances, and home?

    Listen to the thoughts you have about yourself. Are you kind to yourself in your own mind? Do you beat yourself up constantly? What do you truly believe about your own worth? Whatever your beliefs are, your relationships will eventually reflect them, regardless of which dating strategies you try.

    If you know that you aren’t valuing yourself highly, address that instead of pretending in an attempt to convince someone else to value you. A person of high value will naturally command respect, without counting the minutes until it’s acceptable to return a text or agonizing about whether or not to give someone a call.

    How can you begin to value yourself and show up in the world as a confident person? Will you eat healthy foods? Get enough rest and exercise for your own well-being, not just so that you can look good on dates? How about saying no to working late for the fourth day in a row and cancelling plans with your friends (again)?

    Are you willing to set boundaries for how you will be treated in relationships? What do you do when your date is late, doesn’t call when he or she promised, or is inconsiderate? Do you ignore it and hope they will change or do you address the issue?

    Choosing to treat yourself well isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for a healthy self-esteem. We all value people who are confident and value themselves. People will treat us the way we teach them to. It’s never too late to make a new choice.

    Games like not calling or playing hard to get are intended to help us behave how a naturally confident person would behave. It’s always better to cultivate genuine confidence than it is to fake it. True confidence comes from valuing ourselves.

    Once we reach adulthood, it’s our responsibility to create the lives we wish to lead. Accepting this responsibility can be daunting at times, but it’s one of the most empowering things we can do for ourselves. No one else can do this for us, as much as we wish they could.

    When we step up and decide to lead the best lives possible, commit to being the people we want to become, and refuse to back down when it’s hard, we will value ourselves more highly and inspire others to do the same.

    Ultimately, this is much more rewarding than pretending to be busy on Saturday night and refusing to take phone calls at certain times.

    As for me, I finally learned how to make better choices and found real love instead of relying on tips and tricks. It has made all the difference.

  • 4 Relationship Traps to Avoid & Other Ways to Keep Your Love Strong

    4 Relationship Traps to Avoid & Other Ways to Keep Your Love Strong

    “Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

    When I started dating, I did a terrible job of it.

    I fell in love at the turn of a unique smile and fell out of it with the first sign of a stubborn bad habit. Despite that, I was a serial monogamist. I didn’t know how to develop the mental fortitude one needed to end things when they were ready to be ended, so I let them crawl on.

    Teenage emotions are hard. Adult ones are hard, too.

    Three years, four years, three and a half years—I spent a full decade of my life, most of my twenties, in frustrating relationships that had started out as the loves of my life and turned into apathetic slogs of sharing rent and little else.

    I thought it meant I was stable. I thought not giving up said I could handle the difficulties of real life, marriage, and everything that came with it.

    The truth was I didn’t like to give up, so I tried to make each relationship perfect.

    In doing so, I made myself worse.

    Boyfriends and I would always fight: Why wouldn’t they help with dinner? Why wouldn’t they ever get off the computer? Why wouldn’t they try to get a better job?

    Sometimes, my complaints were legitimate, and they should have addressed them. But I didn’t do a good job of communicating those things even when they were.

    The more boyfriends failed to live up to my expectations, the more frustrated, angry, and hurt I’d get. Instead of realizing that we just weren’t right for one another, I drove myself down with constant, anxious questions: Why doesn’t he care enough about me to even eat dinner with me?

    With each relationship, my self-esteem dropped proportionately. By the end of the last one, before my now-fiancé and I started dating, I’d started taking anxiety medication, gained weight, and developed a deep nervousness in social situations from lack of being in them.

    I’d changed from someone who was happy with herself to someone who accepted whatever was on offer. I lost both my self-respect and my ability to confidently love another person in the process.

    I had never wanted my life to be like that. I wanted synergy; I wanted to be one-half of a power couple. Sadly, it took me many years, and many stagnant relationships, to do something about it.

    The Problem with My Serial Monogamy

    Toward the end of my last failed relationship, I realized that all of these relationships followed the same structure: I was madly in love, it faded, we argued all the time, I cried a lot, they ignored me a lot, we inevitably said something we regretted, it ended much too late.

    And I was tired of it. I hated feeling like we’d both come out worse from a relationship than better. Relationships are supposed to be synergistic; they’re meant to take two people and create something stronger than each person was individually.

    If you’re going to be in one, it should be something that makes you greater.

    That’s what I wanted: something proactive, intensive—something we both learned from, even if it didn’t last. I wanted to grow with my partner, whether it be growing old together or just growing stronger before parting.

    So my most recent ex (the only one I’m still friends with) and I ended our relationship the best way we knew how, and I set off on a mission. For the next nine months of my life, I was on a quest to figure out how I could have that synergistic, intentional love.

    I researched the best way I knew how: I Googled “How to have a good relationship.”

    (You can laugh.)

    The Internet has a lot of crazy ideas on how to answer that question. Of all the crap I sifted through, three suggestions have held. They’ve shown me how to love with intention—how to build a sound foundation so the relationship doesn’t crumble at the first fight.

    Relationship Mission Statements

    I’m a Ravenclaw-Capricorn-ENFP, so I love writing things out. Despite also having a business degree, it never occurred to me that mission statements could be for more than businesses and non-profits. Guess what: You can write one for a relationship, too.

    And unlike businesses, the value of a relationship mission statement isn’t in having something nice to add to your FAQ; it’s in the writing process itself.

    When you write a relationship mission statement, you’re forced to think about what you want to gain from the relationship and what you’re willing to put in. When two people do them together, they can be powerful.

    My fiancé and I did these at the beginning of our relationship. The conversation we had afterward where we both talked about our statements together was invaluable because, before there was ever any awkwardness and before there were any fights or hurt feelings, we both knew what we wanted and where we wanted to go.

    On a personal level, it showed me my own direction. I needed to know that so I could be intentional in my relationship.

    How Do You Write a Relationship Mission Statement?

    Well, I believe they shouldn’t be too rigidly defined. They should be natural and truthful, and the structure they take on should vary with your own values.

    You should include key things: what you will do, what you won’t do, things you might need help with, and what you want the relationship to be. Beyond that, put in whatever feels right.

    Here are some examples of how I answered those questions in my own Relationship Mission Statement for Nathan:

    What will you do in your relationship?

    I will be available to you.

    I will respect you, empathize with you, and care for you.

    What bad habits do you acknowledge that you may need to be called out on?

    I will apologize when I’m wrong, although sometimes you may have to drag it out of me, and sometimes it may take me a week before I come to it on my own.

    And:

    I will undoubtedly get moody every now and then, but I will try not to take it out on you. If I do, I will not get moodier when you call me out (because you’d better, although you also better be nice to me when I’ve had a bad day and feel like being whiny and eating macaroni and cheese with cut-up hotdogs for dinner). I will be nice to you and make you mac & cheese & hotdogs when you’re feeling whiny, too. I will call you on your stuff when it’s gone on long enough.

    What do you promise not to do in your relationship?

    I will not be petty. I will not be spiteful. I will never speak to you with contempt, dismiss your ideas or opinions, or give you the silent treatment when I’m mad at you.

    What do you expect from your relationship?

    I will help you grow, and watch you grow through your own efforts. I will stand next to you when you need me there, and stand back when you need to do it yourself. I will be my own person and allow you to be yours.

    And I sum it all up with what matters most:

    I will not give up when things get difficult, but I will let you go if it ever comes to be what you need to be happy. I will help you find what makes you happy, and help you achieve it. I will do everything with intention.

    I promise you, so long as I’m with you, we will be greater together than the sum of us apart.

    Weekly Check-Ins

    Every week, we have Monday Night Talks.

    In the beginning, these involved both of us being totally honest and sharing the things we felt good about that week and the things that upset us, along with a rating of how we currently felt about our relationship (1-10). Now, we skip the rating because we’re consistently in the 8-10 range, but it was a great metric for us at the beginning.

    Why? Because choosing a number is easy starting point for explaining “Why.”

    It’s easy to assume everything’s great because you think it’s great, but when you’re hit with an unexpected “I give us a 5 this week,” you’re forced to remember the other person’s feelings.

    Monday Night Talks is our favorite tool. It has saved us from falling into that trap of getting angry, not saying anything, and then blowing up about it months later.

    These chats need to be a set date, every week—not a “whenever” chat.

    If you don’t set the date and stick to it every week, then you won’t get comfortable being so open with one another. Then, when you have a major grievance to air, you’ll be more likely to sit on it or get passive-aggressive about it.

    Developing strong communication habits early is key. Not only does it help your partner, but it also helps you. Constant, honest communication builds trust and reduces the urge to be defensive. If your relationship’s already in progress, then it’s not too late to start, but the earlier, the better.

    It makes your relationship stronger when you’re both able to confidently give and receive feedback. Without it, confidence is hard to come by. Be sure to give feedback with intention; don’t be passive aggressive, don’t be nasty.

    Beware the Four Horsemen

    Dr. John Gottman found that there were four habits in couples that predicted divorce: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. He called these the Four Horsemen.

    Criticism

    This is when you make it personal. If you have a grievance, make it known directly. Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “This is important to me, and it upsets me when it looks like you’re not listening. Can you set your phone aside for a few minutes while we talk?”

    (I promise, talking this way gets easier and less awkward.)

    Defensiveness

    This was the hardest for my fiancé and me. It’s not easy to admit you’re wrong. Learning not to get defensive when the other person brought up a legitimate concern (not criticism) was so beneficial.

    We are rarely 100% innocent in fights. Take a deep breath and listen to the other person. When you’re busy trying to defend yourself, you can’t listen. If you can’t listen, you can’t solve the problem.

    Contempt

    This often shows up in relationships that have had a history of criticism and defensiveness. Mocking, sarcasm, rolling your eyes, and scoffing doesn’t make you the better person. They make you someone who wants to destroy your own relationship. Because that’s what contempt will do.

    I promise you: Rolling your eyes will not make your partner suddenly see that you’re right.

    Stonewalling

    You may find yourself tempted to give in to the silent treatment. Do yourself a favor and don’t. Be honest: Does it really make you happier to stonewall your partner? Does it show that you value the other person? Or does it just drag the fight out longer?

    Stonewalling can also include picking up your cell phone to text while the other person is talking, walking out of the room, and saying things like “Forget it.”

    I believe knowing and avoiding these four habits can save many relationships. It has saved mine. Being conscious of all of them has forced me to pause when I get angry or annoyed. I ask myself if what I’m tempted to say is intentional or lashing out. If it doesn’t benefit our relationship, I don’t say it. This has to go both ways, so get your partner on board with communication early and often.

    You Get What You Create, Not What You Expect

    My relationship isn’t your relationship, but I’ve found so much positivity in these few proactive changes, and I hope even one of them can help you. So many other couples suffer from the Four Horsemen, but it is possible not to fall into these relationship traps.

    You just need to be intentional and respectful to yourself and the other person. Create the relationship you want with your partner with intention. Be mindful and choose a mindful partner. It’s okay if you both have to learn as you go along. It’s okay if you stumble; acknowledge it, correct it, and move on. Don’t hold grudges.

    Improving my skill with relationships has helped me in other areas, too.

    My anxiety has plummeted. I’m no longer constantly stressed. I’ve found time again for things that I once loved and let fall to the side. I’ve accomplished exponentially more in my personal life since adding these changes to my relationships (the Four Horsemen are also applicable to friends and family) than I did in the entire decade I trudged through those previous relationships.

    When you’re not fighting through a toxic relationship (romantic or otherwise), you have the time and energy to grow. You can have passions. You can create legacies.

    Don’t forget that you’re one-half of every relationship you’re in. Don’t forget the other person is the other half. It takes both of you to make the whole. Create the whole with intention.

  • Don’t Ever Stop Dating Your Wife or Flirting with Your Husband

    Don’t Ever Stop Dating Your Wife or Flirting with Your Husband

    Dont ever stop dating your wife

    Source: Power of Positivity

  • 6 Ways to Make Dating Less Frustrating

    6 Ways to Make Dating Less Frustrating

    Happy Couple

    “You are strong when you know your weaknesses. You are beautiful when you appreciate your flaws. You are wise when you learn from your mistakes.” ~Unknown

    Social discovery apps and online dating sites provide us with an incredible amount of dating options. It should be easier to find the right person. Ironically, having more options has led to increased impatience and high expectations among those of us searching for love.

    We disregard potential friends and mates at the blink of an eye, often trading them in for the illusory search for the ideal person. I’m guilty of falling into this trap, although I never wanted to admit it. I thought I was above it but I was delusional.

    I directly contributed to everything I couldn’t stand about dating in the 21st century and didn’t even realize it.

    I wasn’t accountable, nor was I wise. I had no idea what I was doing, only because I never took the time to learn the art of dating and to master the art of love.

    I initially read a bunch of self-help books, but that didn’t help me at all. Later, I assumed it was a numbers game and my time would come to get it right. That didn’t work either.

    While at times I’ve held out, looking for the perfect partner, I’ve also rushed into relationships, only to end up in the same place after several months to several years: disillusioned, alone, and picking up the pieces of a relationship that didn’t fulfill me or add much value to my life.  

    Something within me needed to shift, and until I figured out what it was I would continue to repeat the same mistakes.

    While learning to play the guitar, I had some powerful realizations about the romantic relationships in my life.

    These realizations have completely transformed the way I now approach my dating life. No longer do I feel like the stakes are against me, nor do I feel the frustration I felt for years on end.

    1. Enjoy the process.

    When learning to play guitar, I wanted to play multiple songs right away. I couldn’t stand how much my fingers hurt, and everything just felt awkward. I was resisting the reality that learning an instrument takes time, and I’d get upset and impatient whenever I made a mistake.

    Right then and there, I realized that I was preventing myself from having fun. I was far too serious and intense to enjoy myself.

    We don’t need to get it all in one day. That’s not the point. Deepening our relationships is no different. We often equate having fun with having it all right away. We seek intensity and we often get too involved with the other person without knowing anything about them.

    Not only are our expectations unrealistic, we often forget to enjoy the process of letting new connections unfold. Let things progress naturally instead of forcing things and you’ll have a lot more fun.

    2. Take it slowly.

    Oftentimes, the idea of the person is what hooks us, and the reality is what ultimately sends us running. When we move too quickly, we’re apt to overinvest ourselves before we get a chance to see that reality, and end up with hurt feelings.

    In much the same way it takes time to discover how we feel about playing a specific instrument, it takes to discover how we feel about someone new we’re dating.

    The emotional attachment we might feel after an immediate hookup is not the same as love that grows over time.

    Not only is it okay to take the time to let your feelings develop before you get involved, it’ll also allow for a much clearer understanding of how the other person feels about you.

    3. Take breaks.

    Why is it that many of us get so hooked on someone, only to lose interest or see the other person’s true colors several months into the relationship? Why is it that playing an instrument too many hours in one day without any breaks results in burnout?

    Balance is key. It’s important to take a break when we’re learning a new instrument. When it comes to dating, it’s important not to get immediately wrapped up in the other person, no matter how amazing that person seems.

    Give yourself time to process the experience instead of overdosing on the person. Take a step back and to do your own thing so the new relationship doesn’t become your everything. Taking time to yourself is healthy—for you and your new relationship.

    4. Remember, practice makes progress.

    Putting aside time each day to learn the guitar is no different than devoting time each day to be fully present with your partner. If you don’t continue to work at it, neither your relationship nor your playing will progress.

    Whether you’ve been dating for two months or together for two years, your relationship will suffer if you neglect it.

    Check in with yourself to be sure you’re fully listening, not dwelling on what you want from the relationship or mentally rehashing the events of your day. Presence is the key to connection, and that’s what enables a relationship to grow.

    5. Constant tuning is necessary.

    Do the notes sound a bit off-key? What about your relationship? Listen. Both relationships and playing music require you to use your ears. If your guitar sounds out of tune, you address it. The song won’t sound good until it’s back in tune.

    Relationships are no different. Issues can’t be resolved without effort. Listen to your instincts, recognize what isn’t working and why, and communicate so you can figure out what needs to be done to address the issue.

    6. Know that our wounds are our strengths.

    Calluses harden our fingers and allow us to play the guitar more easily. In much the same way, the wounds from our past relationships can help us give love more easily.

    A lot of people use their past hurts as an excuse to shy away from relationships when they are, in fact, strengths. Without the lessons learned, we wouldn’t be able to be better partners than we were.

    —

    Dating doesn’t have to be painful and frustrating. We just need to put in the effort and change our perspective a bit.

    Although wonderful relationships don’t happen overnight, we can still have an amazing time on our journey to love.

    Couple image via Shutterstock

  • How to De-Stress Dating and Stop Tying Your Worth to Relationships

    How to De-Stress Dating and Stop Tying Your Worth to Relationships

    “Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” ~Unknown

    I’m all too aware that dating can feel like a grinding, painful roller coaster to nowhere.

    If you’ve hit your head against the wall as many times as I have, you know how frustrating, depressing, and downright disheartening it can be. Meeting someone new, going on a few great dates, getting excited, having one/both of you sort of stop calling; then repeating the process over and over is enough to make you want to give up for good.

    The ups and downs in this cycle can make you feel like you are unbalanced and have whiplash. While it can be fun to go on a bunch of dates with different people, it can also make you feel like you’re floating alone on your own little island of solitude.

    For happily married people, the trials of meeting a mate are ancient history that they’ve completely glossed over. So they often parrot off clichés like “you’ll meet the right one when you least expect it” and “you’ll find him when you aren’t looking.” 

    When you’re on this emotional roller coaster, these well meaning statements are enough to make you want to cold clock someone in the face.

    How exactly do you even meet anyone if you aren’t looking? Does someone accidentally fall on you in the grocery store?

    In the two-and-a-half hours I leave the house each week, is he going to trip on me at Starbucks while I’m nervously palming my skinny hazelnut latte and completely avoiding eye contact? Will I lock eyes with him at the library while I’m researching just how relationships actually work?

    “Oh, hello beautiful. I see you’re clutching every book on love ever written. I find that super intriguing, want to go get a drink?” Said no one ever.

    After a while, it’s easy to feel like starting your collection of cats and totally giving up on the idea of ever meeting the right person.

    Several times during my dating experiences, I had to shut down my various online dating profiles for a few months and lick my wounds.

    It takes a lot of determination and/or masochism to keep putting yourself out there when Mr. Potential turns into Mr. Wrong with such break-neck frequency. It often became necessary to stop everything and reflect on why dating experiences had been such abysmal failures.

    Why wasn’t it working? I went on so many dates that I was testing different outfits, different responses to texts, different time frames for everything.

    I tried every type of date I could imagine. I certainly could have won an award for persistence, but why did it still feel like not only were there great people out there, but they were behind some kind of sturdy glass wall?

    Without fail, I would eventually put my rose colored glasses back on and try again, inspired by a friend meeting someone new or it being the absolute depths of winter. My best friend called it “going for another round.”

    It took me years to realize that I was addicted to the experience of dating itself. There is a great deal of novelty in meeting new people and experiencing new things with them while clinging to the distant hope that one of them just might click.

    The ups and downs were enough to keep me hooked, as I allowed my feelings about myself to be dictated by the opinions of people I barely knew. If they liked me, I liked me. 

    Somewhere along the way, I had let my ego get completely tied up in these experiences. I had fallen into the trap of letting my opinions of my failed relationships shape my opinion of myself.  No wonder I felt horrible and had lots of go-nowhere relationships. I wasn’t confident, I was afraid.

    Dating was like trying on new bras. While it was often an uncomfortable, awkward, painful, struggle, eventually I was ecstatic when I found a few that seemed to fit. Then, just like the lifespan of my favorite bras, the support system failed and the underwire started digging in.  When this happened I felt horrible, and went out looking for my next fix.

    One day this realization hit me like a ton of bricks while I was obsessing over the failure of my latest relationship.

    To stop feeling terrible and get off this emotional roller coaster for good, I realized I had a choice.

    I could either continue to view my dating experiences as abysmal failures that reflected poorly upon my self-worth and keep letting my self-esteem circle the drain. Or, I could manage my attitudes about my relationships in general and take a whole different approach to dating. 

    I could let myself off the hook and let the dating experiences just be what they were instead of tying my ego to them.

    When I stopped hanging so much of my feelings on these experiences, I started meeting completely different people than ever before. The best part about it was that even though I was still excited about a great date, there was not longer the subtle hint of desperation in my interactions.

    To continue to date without this emotional cycle was difficult but essential. Here is how I stopped the painful experience of getting my self-worth tied up in my dating experiences.

    1. Develop and maintain the belief that you are already whole without someone else.

    Rather than looking for your other half and staying off balance, you must believe that you are worthy and whole right now. While it is a universal experience to want someone to share your life with, your value is not determined by your success or failure at searching for a mate.

    It helped me to repeat, “I am whole, I am love” before and after dates, to get the idea across strongly that the outcome of this one event was not a determinate of my lovability or worth.

    When you strongly view yourself as a whole person who is looking for someone to share your life with, it takes away some of the fear that they won’t like you, that your destiny is hanging on this outing, and that if they don’t approve of you, you are back to square one.

    2. Be mindful of your fears surrounding relationships.

    So many people carry around the same negative thoughts about their desirability. “I am flawed.” “If I spill my guts to someone else, they will run.” “I can’t be vulnerable.” “I’m not enough.” “I’m going to die alone.” “If I commit I will be trapped.” And on and on. These are all rooted in fear and are not facts.

    When you hear yourself repeating any of these negative statements, say, “stop” and replace the thought with a positive affirmation. I like to use “I am whole, I am love,” but use a positive statement about your worth that resonates with you.

    3. Know that rejection does not mean you are not good enough.

    For whatever reason, you were not right for someone else. That decision is up to them. It is easy to get hung up on the “whys” behind their decision, but dwelling on them doesn’t change the reality. If you aren’t right for someone else, they aren’t right for you.

    Each time someone isn’t right for you and shows you that, honor their decision even if you feel differently. Move on and let them go. Do not use the experience as proof that you aren’t good enough.

    4. Get rid of the scarcity mindset regarding meeting the right person.

    You have an infinite well of love to give another person. This love is extremely valuable. Do not underestimate its worth to a potential mate.

    There are lots of people in the world. You must maintain the belief that there are more than a few who would love your company. If it doesn’t work out with one, you are not doomed. In addition, there is not a timer on your desirability.

    5. Be less serious about your search.

    Go on fun dates. Refuse to turn your dates into stuffy job interviews in contrived romantic situations. Dates are not a matter of national importance.  Show up, enjoy yourself and take some of the pressure off.  Laugh and play.

    When you adopt a lighthearted attitude it is easier to be fully present and experience the other person in the moment. Fun takes the pressure off. Then if you two are not a love match, at least you had fun.

  • Find Yourself Before You Find Love

    Find Yourself Before You Find Love

    “Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

    After a few years of living through the betrayal and anger of my divorce, my friends decided it was time for me to start dating again.

    They took me out to the bars, dressed me up, bought me drinks, and showed all the men how cute I was.

    I didn’t feel cute. I felt like a fraud.

    The bar scene was not for me. I felt like a piece of meat wrapped in cellophane on the shelf waiting for a man to decide which one he’d like to eat.

    I dressed up in my newly skinny body and looked the part of the fun loving girl, but inside all I felt was desperation.

    I put on makeup so men would think I was pretty.

    I exercised so my body would look good for others to gaze at.

    I smiled and giggled so men would think I was fun and funny.

    I didn’t feel fun, funny, pretty, or like I wanted to be looked at. I felt scared.

    I kept grasping at a portrait of who I wanted everyone to think I was. I so wanted to be this picture perfect representation that I thought men wanted. I wanted a man to like me so I could feel loved and validated.

    I finally realized my imaginary self-portrait was who others wanted, not who I wanted to be now. I was not being true to my new self.

    So I trashed the portrait, went home, and got my act together.

    I wanted to find love again but not like this. Not by picking up someone in a bar who was looking for love in all the wrong places, just like I was doing. I needed to learn to love myself, because no one else could do it for me.

    I wanted to find love by knowing who I was. Then I could find someone who complemented me. So I stopped going out and started to learn who I was, what I wanted in life, and what I deserved in a man.

    What I did learn from speaking to men in bars is that real men want real women. I decided to learn how to be real. Learning how to be real would require some investigative research on my part. I had lost myself in my marriage. It was time to find me.

    I decided to step out of my proverbial box. I had to try new things and figure out what activities I liked, and which ones I needed to stay away from.

    I traveled to developing countries. I had my palm read and visited a mind reader. I went kayaking, took up road biking, hiked on volcanoes, rode zip lines through the rain forest, joined book clubs, learned to meditate, I found out what tai chi was.

    I started to visit international restaurants. I went to museums and hung out in coffee shops. I got my yoga teacher certification and started to teach. I tried things I had always wanted to do but never could while I was married.

    I had fun. I learned that I favored Thai food over Italian food. I learned that I can ride thirty-five miles on a bike and love it. I learned things about me I never knew.

    I stopped wearing most of the makeup I had worn thinking it made me look good so men would like me. Instead, I decided to look good for myself.

    I stared at myself in the mirror and told myself over and over that I am beautiful, even though I didn’t believe it. The more I told myself I was beautiful, the more I began to feel good about myself. 

    I wanted my beauty to be defined by my self-confidence, which began to return when I started to truly believe in what I began to represent.

    I started to dress the way I wanted to felt, not the way I wanted to be looked at. I wanted free flowing clothes that I could move in. I wanted to be able to feel my body, not the clothes pinching me.

    I started to exercise because it made me feel good, not so I would look good. I accomplished both by doing what I wanted for me, not for them. I found exercise that I loved to do. I increased my yoga practice and kept on walking. I took up rowing and increased my biking.

    I stopped going to bars to meet men. Instead, I went to the occasional bar to hang out with friends and to be social.

    I stopped looking at men as the answer to my problems and started looking at myself to solve them.

    I realized I needed to know what my interests were if I wanted to attract a man who shared them.

    When I learned what I liked, I became happier than I had ever been before. I learned to be true to myself, not someone else.

    I realized that I had been incomplete without the self-knowledge required to define my own boundaries, my likes, and my dislikes. Without knowing what my boundaries were, I could never attract a person into my life that could live within them. I had never known how to define and stand up for my own beliefs.

    When I felt confident with my new self, I joined a dating site. I was far more aware of the kind of person I wanted to attract because I knew who I was.

    Writing my profile specifically for what I wanted and how I wanted a man to treat me was far better than telling someone to take me on a romantic date, when I couldn’t define what I thought a romantic date was.

    So get on with it. What are you waiting for? Get out there and experience life. Find out who and what you are. Live life by yourself. Be happy by yourself. It’s your life; make it what you want. Don’t look for someone else to do it for you, because they can’t. Only you can know who you really are.