Tiny Buddha

Tag: criticize

  • If You’re Feeling Judged: One Thing You Need to Understand

    If You’re Feeling Judged: One Thing You Need to Understand

    “Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.” ~Albert Einstein

    Most of us feel judged at times. We might feel judged for the way we look, the things we do (or don’t do), the things we say (and the way we say them), or for the things we believe.

    We might respond to feeling judged by retreating inside ourselves, hiding, and silencing our voice, or we might react in defense or retaliation as if we’re being attacked.

    It doesn’t feel good to feel judged. It can hurt, make us feel like we’re not good enough, and drain our energy.

    But if we want to be free of the heavy burden of feeling judged, there’s something very important we need to understand.

    Feeling judged and being judged are not the same thing!

    This is such an important distinction. And understanding it can make the difference between feeling insecure or stable.

    It’s the difference between hiding and shining.

    Feeling Judged vs. Being Judged

    When we feel judged, it’s something we experience inside ourselves.

    It’s a feeling, not necessarily a fact.

    It’s important to understand that how we feel and react to others is up to us. It’s a result of our conditioning, traumas, fears, emotions, insecurities, attitudes, and the things we believe (whether they’re actually true or not), but it’s ours.

    It may be triggered by what someone says, but the feeling is still ours.

    Being judged is something else. It’s something people outside of us do. Whether someone passes judgment on us through their words, actions, a certain look, or a sneering sound under their breath, it’s an external thing… and we can react to it, or not.

    I’m not suggesting it’s easy to not react or take it personally, but understanding the distinction is important.

    Taking Things Personally

    If someone questions something we’ve said or done or why we believe something, we might take it personally and feel like that person is judging us.

    Have you ever felt judged because someone asked you a question?

    Be honest!

    We might act defensively or angrily when someone questions something we believe, but that person may genuinely want to understand us better.

    If we’re insecure about who we are, or if our sense of self is deeply attached to our beliefs, then any question can feel like an attack or judgment.

    But that doesn’t mean it was a judgment.

    I’m a very curious person. I’ve always been curious to understand myself, my mind and emotions. I know this comes through self-inquiry—meaning to question myself and my beliefs—and sometimes that is uncomfortable.

    But it’s more than just understanding myself, it’s a curiosity to understand the human experience. This also means understanding others. This curiosity to understand is also the desire to connect on a deep, authentic level.

    As Thich Nhat Hanh said: “Understanding is love’s other name. If you don’t understand, you can’t love.”

    Because of who I am and what I do, I often ask people questions about who they are and why they believe what they believe.

    Most of the time I’ve found people are quite open with me; however, occasionally people take my questions personally. Now, I know I had no sense of judgment in my questions, only my curiosity to understand and connect, yet there are times when the people I’m talking to become defensive.

    Even though I understand, when this happens, I can sometimes still feel a sense of being judged. Judged for something I didn’t do. But this is my reaction. I perceive their reaction as a judgment for my perceived judgment.

    I know, it sounds a little complicated, but that’s what happens sometimes. If I catch myself and feel what’s happening inside, I’m able to move through it and let it go.

    But it starts with recognizing and being mindful of my reaction.

    We Have a Choice

    In times when we feel judged, we can react, defend, and justify our emotions by trying to blame someone else, or we can use it as an opportunity to be curious about ourselves—to understand so we can learn and grow.

    Choosing to grow does not mean we don’t feel our emotions. We do. We feel them, and it can be uncomfortable at times. But choosing to grow means we feel our emotions consciously and recognize our reactions so we can take responsibility for them. Because we understand our emotions and reactions are ours.

    As long as we try to blame others for how we feel, we will always be the victim, because it will feel like we don’t have a choice.

    By learning to own our emotions by being present with them, we have the power to transform our relationship to them. We can then learn to navigate the landscapes of our mind.

    Let Go by Being Curious

    If you’re feeling judged—assuming someone is thinking badly of you and feeling bad about yourself in response—engage your curiosity.

    Follow your emotions mindfully. Just feel them. Be present with them (to the degree that you are able). Let them take you deeper into yourself.

    Ask yourself:

    Why do I feel judged?

    What beliefs am I holding onto?

    What do I not want to see about myself?

    What do I not want to admit?

    Am I judging myself? If so, for what?

    Why does it matter what someone else thinks?

    Don’t underestimate the power of our curiosity. It’s a superpower!

    It really can shift us from a closed and reactive state of mind into an open and receptive state of mind. Open and receptive is the place where we can break our self-imposed limits, connect to our heart, and grow.

    It’s also the place where understanding becomes love. Both within ourselves and within our relationships and interactions. It’s the place where we can heal our collective separation and bring back a sense of unity.

    Curiosity is the magic that can facilitate it.

    Journaling is a great assistant to curiosity. It helps us connect more deeply to what’s happening inside us. Any time you feel judged, take some time to sit quietly and reflect on your emotions, thoughts, and feelings. Writing them down can help to make it more tangible.

    Do this enough and you’ll start to see familiar patterns emerging.

    Find Your Strength

    It’s likely that people will judge you at some point. But remember, that doesn’t mean you have to take it personally or feel bad about yourself.

    Whenever you’re feeling judged, whether someone else is judging you or not, remember, it’s just a feeling. Use these times as opportunities to deconstruct your limits and insecurities.

    By doing this you connect with your true self and allow the strength of your heart to emerge.

    And the world needs your heart to shine!

  • Where Our Inner Critic Comes from and How to Tame It

    Where Our Inner Critic Comes from and How to Tame It

    “Your inner critic is simply a part of you that needs more self-love.” ~Amy Leigh Mercee

    We all have that critical and judgmental inner voice that tells us we’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc.

    It tells us we don’t do anything right. It calls us stupid. It compares us to other people and speaks harshly about ourselves and our bodies. It tells us all the things we did or said “wrong” after communicating or connecting with someone.

    Sometimes it projects criticism outward onto others so we can feel better about ourselves. Other times we try to suppress our inner critic through overachieving, being busy, and accumulating more and more things.

    Sometimes it’s a protective mechanism that’s trying to keep us focused on our self-judgments so we won’t be authentic, because, if we are, we may be rejected and not get the love and acceptance we want.

    But, by doing this, we’re creating even more pain and suffering because we’re disconnecting from and rejecting our own essence.

    Just ignoring the critical voice doesn’t always make it go away. It may initially, but soon enough it will resurface if we haven’t healed/embraced our hurts, traumas, and wounds and shifted our internal patterning, which is where it comes from. 

    Have you ever heard the expression “What we resist persists?” Have you ever told an angry person to “just calm down” or a screaming child to stop crying? Does it work? Not when our energy is in a heightened state.

    Why is someone angry? Why is a child screaming and crying? Because there’s something going on internally that’s creating how they’re behaving. There’s often an unmet need or pain that’s asking for attention.

    Thinking a more positive thought to compensate can sometimes work, but sometimes it just creates an inner debate and mistrust in ourselves because deep inside we don’t believe what we’re saying.

    As children, many of us were taught to suppress those “bad” feelings because if we expressed them, we may have been or were punished. Welcome to the beginning of the critical voice; it’s often a frightened part of us that’s wounded and asking for attention. It wants to be seen, heard, and understood.

    My dad used to get really frustrated with me and constantly told me, “Damn it, Deb, you never do anything right.” Hearing that many times left an imprint in my subconscious. I started living with that interpretation of myself, and the critical voice kept me “in check” with being this way.

    For me, the critical voice was my dad’s voice as well as the deep shame I was feeling for making mistakes and not doing things the “right way.”

    I was holding in suppressed anger, sadness, guilt, unforgiveness, resentment, traumas, and pain that I tried to keep hidden with a smile on my face, but eventually it turned into a shame-based identity.

    My inner voice criticized me whenever I fell short or wasn’t perfect according to society or my family’s expectations.

    Just like when we’re triggered by another person, our critical voice is asking for our attention and guiding us to what needs healing, resolving, forgiving, understanding, compassion, and unconditional love.

    When it comes to the surface, we’re experiencing an automatic regression; it’s a part of us that’s frozen in time. It’s a reflection of our unhealed wounds, which created ideas of not being enough or that something’s wrong with us. Basically, it’s a trance of unworthiness.

    When we’re in a trance of unworthiness, we try to soothe ourselves with addictive behaviors. It’s hard to relax because we think we need to do something to be better and prove ourselves, so not doing anything, resting, isn’t safe.

    When we’re in a trance of unworthiness, it’s hard to be intimate with others. Deep inside we think there’s something wrong with us, so we don’t get close because they may find out and leave. This keeps us from being authentic because we don’t feel okay with who we are.

    Deep down I felt unworthy, unlovable, and undeserving, and the critical voice showed me what I was feeling and believing. I didn’t feel safe in life or in my body. How could I? I was living with so much hurt, pain, and shame inside.

    The critical voice is often stronger for those of us with unhealed wounds and who are hard on ourselves, and it tries to get us with shame and guilt. We’re always looking at ourselves as the “good self” or “bad self,” and if we’re identified with a “bad self,” we’ll act in accordance with that in all areas of our life.

    If we’ve become identified with the critical voice, it’s who we think we are; it just seems normal. And when we start to be more kind and loving, it doesn’t seem right because our identity becomes threatened and our system registers that as danger.

    That happened for me. Eventually I became identified with being a “bad girl” who’s critical and hard on herself, and, even when I started being a little kinder, more compassionate, and more loving, I felt an angst in my body. It wasn’t familiar, and even deeper, it wasn’t okay for me to be this way. My survival was at stake, so I would automatically go back to self-criticizing and judging, without conscious awareness.

    The critical voice didn’t only speak to me harshly; it also told me to do self-abusive things like cutting my wrists and face, starving my body or eating lots of sweets, and exercising for hours like a mad woman to get rid of the food I ate, whether it was a carrot or sweets, because I felt guilty. 

    Even after twenty-three years of going in and out of hospitals and treatment centers, taking medication, and doing traditional therapy, nothing ever changed; the critical voice had a hold on me.

    It was a powerful force, and when I tried to stop it, it would get louder. It thought it was protecting me in a backwards sort of way; if it hurt me first, no one else would be able to do so.

    When people used to say to me, “Debra, you just need to love yourself,” I looked at them like they were crazy. I had no concept of what that even meant because I had no experience of it.

    What I’ve come to see with myself and those I assist in their healing is that the more we keep our deep hurts, traumas, anger, guilt, shame, and pain hidden, the more the critical voice chimes in.

    And, for some, like me, it seems overpowering, so we try to find relief through smoking, drinking, eating, or being busy, and/or we experience severe depression, anxiety, or self-harming.

    When we’re consumed by the critical voice, we’re disconnected from our true essence, and when we’re disconnected from our true essence, the love within, we feel a sense of separation; we don’t feel safe with ourselves or others, and we don’t feel lovable for who we are, as we are.

    This is why many people can change, be happy for a day, but then go back to their critical and/or judgmental ways. Our automatic programming, stemming from our core beliefs, kicks in. It’s just like an addiction, and in a sense it is.

    We can try meditating, deep breathing, and positive thinking, but, unless we address the underlying cause, we’re likely to keep thinking the thoughts our internal patterning dictates. They come from a part of us that doesn’t feel loved or safe.

    So, what do we do when the critical voice comes to visit?

    What do we do when it’s what we’re used to, and it just happens automatically?

    What do we do when we don’t know how to be with ourselves and how we’re feeling in a kind and compassionate way?

    What do we do when we have no concept of what it even means to experience self-love or ease in our bodies?

    First off, please don’t blame yourself for how you’re being. Awareness isn’t about judgment; it’s about kindness, compassion, and love.

    Working with and healing our traumas, where the critical voice was formed, is key in shifting our internal energy patterning. Many people call this inner child healing and/or shadow working. 

    This is a soft and gentle process of moving through the layers of trauma with compassion and love and making peace with our protector parts.

    Through inner child healing, we can shift and transform that “negative” patterning and how the energy is flowing in our body. We can help that part of us that’s frightened, hurting, and maybe feeling separate have a new and true understanding so we can feel loved and safe in our bodies.

    When we pause and take a deep breath when we first hear or sense the critical voice, it allows our nervous systems to reset and helps us come back to the present moment; this allows space for compassion, healing, and investigation.

    Why do I believe that?

    Where did I learn that?

    Is it true?

    How does my higher self see this and me?

    Does the critical voice totally go away? No, it may still chime in; it’s part of being human. But once we realize where it’s coming from and heal/shift that energy pattern, more love can flow through, and we can experience our truth. When we learn how to be our own loving parent and meet the needs our caregivers didn’t meet when we were children, the critical voice often softens.

    Remember, the critical voice is just a scared part of us who really wants attention, love, and a way to feel safe. When we no longer take it personally, when we’re no longer attached to it as our identity, we can offer ourselves compassion, understanding, love, truth, and whatever else we’re needing.

    Life can be messy, and our thoughts can be too. This isn’t about perfection; this is about experiencing a deeper connection with our loving essence.

    There’s a sweet and tender spirit that lives within you. This spirit is your deepest truth. This spirit is the essence of you. You’re naturally lovable, valuable, and worthy. You’re a gift to humanity. So please be kind, gentle, loving, and caring with yourself.

  • How to Motivate Yourself with Kindness Instead of Criticism

    How to Motivate Yourself with Kindness Instead of Criticism

    “I don’t always make the best choices, but today I choose compassion over intolerance, sympathy over hatred, and love over fear.” ~LJ Vanier

    It’s crazy to me now, to look back and realize how freaking hard I was on myself for decades.

    Had I ever talked to anyone else the way I talked to myself, it would surely have left me friendless and jobless, and I definitely would have been kicked out of school.

    Basically, I was a bully. Just to myself.

    If I said something awkward, I called myself an idiot.

    When I couldn’t find the motivation to clean my house, I called myself a lazy slob.

    If I wasn’t invited to a party, I told myself it’s because no one liked me.

    When work projects were hard, and I had to make it up as I went, I told myself that I was going to get fired as soon as my boss figured out that I had no idea what I was doing.

    My parents set high expectations of me. A’s were rewarded and B’s were questioned: “Why didn’t you get an A?”

    They are successful, intelligent people (who somehow also are able to keep a clean house, like all the time), so if I did anything that didn’t meet what I assumed were their expectations, I told myself, “I’m not good enough, I’ll never be good enough.”

    At a certain point, I realized this “strategy” wasn’t working out for me.

    It wasn’t making me any smarter or more successful.

    It wasn’t making people like me more.

    It wasn’t getting my house any cleaner.

    What it was doing was making me feel like crap. Every day. And it got old.

    Looking back, I realize now my catalyst for change was when I finally pushed past my social anxiety and found the courage to take classes at the gym.

    I found that I performed better when in a group because of the positive energy of people cheering me on.

    After a while I noticed I didn’t cheer people on quite as much as they cheered me on, and since it felt good for me to hear it, I busted through my fears and started cheering on everyone else in the class.

    It felt really good.

    It felt even better when it dawned on me that I could talk to myself that way too.

    And that is what self-compassion really is.

    What is Self-Compassion, Anyway?

    Self-compassion is speaking to yourself as kindly and empathetically as you would a friend.

    It involves consciously directing kindness inward.

    Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing challenges are all inevitable parts of life, so they’re gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of their expectations.

    Therefore, they speak in kind words—intentionally—to themselves.

    It is recognizing the shared humanity in our suffering and difficult experiences.

    When we’re being compassionate toward someone who is going through a hard time or has made a mistake, we say things like:

    • “You’re not alone.”
    • “Everyone makes mistakes.”
    • “You’re only human.”
    • “I’ve been there too.”

    Because there is comfort in recognizing that pain and making mistakes is part of life, it’s part of the process, it’s how we grow, and we all do it—literally every human.

    When we don’t take the time to say that to ourselves when we misstep, we feel isolated, and isolation breeds shame and separation and makes us feel worthless.

    Why We Are So Darn Hard on Ourselves

    We live in a success-driven, “no pain no gain,” “win at all costs,” “if you have time to lean you have time to clean,” “failure isn’t an option” kind of culture.

    There is nothing wrong with pushing ourselves and driving success.

    The problem is, we are a mimicking species, and when all we see are examples of people being hard on themselves and few or no examples of people being kind to themselves, we don’t know what that looks like.

    So the idea of self-compassion is foreign to most people. As such, we have these misconceptions that keep us from being self-compassionate.

    Myth #1: I need high self-esteem to feel good about myself.

    One of the biggest misconceptions about self-compassion is that it is the same as self-esteem.

    We grow up believing that high self-esteem is the key to feeling good about ourselves.

    The problem is, in our culture, to have high self-esteem, we have to be above average or special in some way.

    It’s almost an insult to be considered “average.” If someone were to say, “There’s nothing special about her” that would make a person feel especially bad.

    So, by this measure, self-esteem is conditional to everyone else’s status in comparison to ours. Our self-esteem (and therefore self-worth) go up and down as those around us go up and down.

    That’s why there are so many bullies in our society—because putting others down is one way to make your self-esteem go up.

    (There are literally studies showing an increase in bullies and narcissism in our society in the past several years, and many psychologists point to the “self-esteem” movement as a big factor.)

    Myth #2: I need to be hard on myself, or I’ll let myself get away with anything.

    A lot of people have the misconception that self-compassion is self-indulgence.

    They worry that they could be too self-compassionate and too soft on themselves, that they need to be hard on themselves in order to keep on track.

    But self-compassion enhances motivation, it doesn’t hinder it.

    Let’s say your friend is upset that she texted someone, and they haven’t texted her back.

    Do you say to her, “That’s probably because you did something wrong. I bet she doesn’t like you anymore, or maybe she never really did. You should apologize even though you don’t know what you did wrong, since she is most likely mad at you for something.”

    Absolutely not!

    Not only is it a mean thing to say, you know objectively that this is almost certainly not true.

    You would likely say, “I know that feeling too. I get disappointed when I don’t get a response from someone. But she likely forgot or is busy, just like a lot of people. Her not replying isn’t a reflection of you, it’s an inaction by her. Don’t worry, she still might message you back, or you can message her again later!”

    Which one of those feels more motivating? Which one feels more stressful?

    Which way do you talk to yourself when you slip up?

    The motivational power of your inner bully comes from fear, whereas the motivational power of self-compassion comes from love.

    How to Practice Self-Compassion

    1. Mindfully recognize when you hear your inner critic talking.

    We get so used to using negative self-talk that we don’t even notice it. We just run with the critical stories we’re telling ourselves.

    But you can’t change anything unless you recognize when you’re doing it by mindfully bringing attention to your thoughts, without judgment.

    First, notice how you feel. Because self-criticism feels crappy. That’s your sign that you need to do a little mindful digging.

    Now, the best tool you can use when you get that sign is to ask, “What is the story I’m telling myself?”

    • The story I’m telling myself is that people at work think I’m a fraud because I’m making everything up as I go, and I’m not giving myself any credit for all that I do know and have achieved.
    • The story I’m telling myself is that I’m not a good mom because I let my house get messy, and I’m not thinking about how happy and healthy my kids actually are.
    • The story I’m telling myself is that I’ll never lose weight because I ate those cookies, and I’m not giving myself permission to make a mistake.

    What is the story you’re telling yourself, and what language are you using to tell it?

    2. Understand the positive intent behind your negative self-talk.

    This is going to help you reframe your negative self-talk into self-compassion.

    Let’s say you’ve been wanting to lose weight, but you look down and realize you just ate an entire box of cookies.

    And now your harsh inner critic is saying, “You’re disgusting, you’ll never be able to lose weight, you have no self-control, this is why you’re so fat.”

    Again, words we would never say to someone else.

    What is the positive intent, what is that self-critic voice trying to achieve?

    • It wants me to be more conscious of when I’m eating and what I’m eating.
    • It wants me to be a little stronger when I have these cravings so I can lose weight.
    • It wants me to make a better choice in the future.

    Right? It’s not trying to beat you up for the sake of beating you up. That voice has a purpose, it’s just using the wrong words.

    3. Reframe that positive intent with self-compassion.

    Restate what your self-critic is saying with the voice of self-compassion by talking to yourself as you would a friend or loved one, recognizing the shared humanity in the experience, and consoling in the fact that this too shall pass.

    Can you look inward and say, “I see what you’re doing here. Thanks, subconscious, for the reminder, I know you’re just looking out for me. Now that we’ve heard what you have to say through the self-critic voice, let’s hear what the self-compassion voice has to say…”

    What would that sound like?

    “I get it, I’ve had a stressful day, I skipped lunch, and I’m tired, so I just fell back on an old habit—I made a mistake. Now that I know why I ate all those cookies, I can make a better decision tomorrow. All is not lost.”

    Which one of these feels better? Which one would motivate you to do better tomorrow?

    4. If you think you can’t be self-compassionate…

    If and when during this growth process, you find yourself thinking, “I just can’t stop talking to myself in that negative way, it doesn’t feel natural to speak positively to myself,” I want you to understand two things…

    First, self-compassion is a habit.

    That negative self-talk you’ve been doing for years has simply become a habit.

    It’s become your habitual reaction to stress, adversity, and failure. And that’s what we’re doing here: breaking old habits and creating new ones.

    It will be a challenge at first, as are all new habits. But with some practice, this is going to get easier and easier. It’s making self-compassion your new default mode.

    It will feel weird and unnatural at first. Don’t let that make you think it isn’t working. The more you practice this, the more you are training your brain to focus on compassionate self-talk instead of criticism, meaning you’ll spend less and less time with that critical language and more time with the compassionate language. In time, this will become your new, natural response.

    Eventually, you’ll reach a point where you say, “Hm, if I did that a year ago, I would have beat myself up for days. Good for me!”

    Second, you have a natural negativity bias that is working hard right now.

    When you feel like you can’t be self-compassionate, understand our natural negativity bias.

    We all have a negativity bias. It’s there with the intention to keep us safe. Your ancestors who were on the lookout for mountain lions lived longer than those who sniffed flowers all day.

    But we are centuries beyond the point in our evolution where we need to be on guard in order to keep safe at all times. When you’re living with chronic stress and anxiety, your negativity bias is sticking in the on position.

    Meaning, all you can see are threats. What could go wrong. What is wrong. What might be wrong. If you get a ninety on a test, you look at that ten that you missed and not the ninety that you achieved.

    Know that you have blinders on to positivity, that your negativity bias is making you focus solely on challenges instead of achievements.

    It’s what I call wearing poop-colored glasses instead of rose-colored glasses. Mindfully notice when you’re wearing them. Then take the glasses off! (They smell and they aren’t helping anything, anyway!)

  • We Often Criticize When We’re Hurting

    We Often Criticize When We’re Hurting

    When we're hurting

  • Why You May Feel Crushed by Criticism (And What to Do About It)

    Why You May Feel Crushed by Criticism (And What to Do About It)

    “If you keep your feathers well oiled the water of criticism will run off as from a duck’s back.” ~Ellen Swallow Richards

    We all seek love, approval, and appreciation, don’t we? We sometimes obsess over what people think of us. When we receive feedback that seems less than favorable, we speculate for days about what it might mean.

    Usually we attach the wrong meaning to it, and this drains our energy and might even cause us to withdraw and quit what we are doing.

    Is there a way to avoid this? How can we keep our feathers well oiled?

    Here is what happened to me and what I learned from it.

    I was working in HR in a big institution with more than 7,000 employees and hundreds of different departments. I was asked by my hierarchy to coordinate with several departments to accommodate the varied needs of colleagues with disabilities, as it required special workplace adaptation and much more.

    With more than ten different departments involved in the project, there was a clear need for coordination, but not a clear mandate in my job description. But it didn’t seem to be a problem, and the departments involved were happy that somebody took the role.

    Until one evening, after work, I opened my inbox and there it was, an email from a colleague, sent out to the entire mailing list of colleagues and departments involved in the project.

    It was the head of one of the departments telling me that with the coordination work I’d done, I’d cause problems for him (without providing further specification). He instructed me to stop, and in an ironic tone he wrote that my talents and help would surely be better used in other projects.

    I responded immediately, “Sorry. Okay, then I will not do the coordination.” I felt crushed, small, and incredibly hurt.

    But was it really the criticism that stopped me?

    Probably not, since there were three other supportive emails sent out to the entire list, from people working on the project, who happened to be high in the hierarchy.

    When I looked inside myself, some months after the incident happened, I discovered that it wasn’t the criticism but my own interpretation of it that stopped me.

    The criticism was feeding my own limiting beliefs.

    How often do we receive criticism and it doesn’t touch us, sometimes we don’t even notice it? When there are no self-beliefs for the insult to hook into, it rolls off like a raindrop on our raincoat. But when deep down we hold limiting beliefs, the criticism arouses them.

    “Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

    If we do something we will be criticized, and we cannot do anything about it.

    Thinking “he shouldn’t criticize me” will stop the other person. It is hopeless. All it does is it harms us.

    Instead of blaming the one who is criticizing us, it is better to focus on the one person we do have control over: ourselves.

    Look inside, discover the beliefs that caused the criticism to stick, and begin to undo them. So the next time when we receive similar criticism it rolls right off, like the raindrop on our raincoat.

    Not sure how to discover your own limiting beliefs? Here’s how:

    Finish the following statement: “Someone has criticized me, and that means…”

    What came up for me was: “I am inadequate; I do not fit in; I am not fit for the institutional power games.”

    I was quite surprised to be confronted with these limiting beliefs.

    What is it for you? What beliefs did you discover?

    The next step is to question those thoughts with the help of The Work by Byron Katie. It consists of four questions and turnarounds, which are the opposite of the initial thought.

    1. Is it true?
    2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
    3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
    4. Who would you be without the thought?

    Let’s question the thought “I am inadequate.”

    It is important to do this inquiry having a concrete situation in mind. So my situation is: I’m reading the email, which states that I caused problems and it would be better for me to use my talents and help in other projects.

    If you like you can question the belief about yourself that you just discovered. Answer these questions along with me, keeping in mind your situation.

    1. I am inadequate. Is it true?

    Yes.

    2. Can I absolutely know that it is true?

    No.

    Just notice how it feels to express an honest “yes” or a “no” as an answer to these two questions. There are no right or wrong answers here; it’s about discovering what is true for us. And just notice how your mind wanders: “Yes, because…“ or “No, but…“

    3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

    There I am reading the email that states that I caused problems and I would better use my talents and help in other projects. How do I react, what happens when I believe the thought that I am inadequate?

    I make myself small. I hit reply and I answer, “Sorry. Okay, then I will not do the coordination.” I feel crushed and incredibly hurt. I am afraid what others who read that email will say. I picture a catastrophe.

    4. Who would you be without the thought?

    Who would I be without the thought that I am inadequate? What would I do, feel, or say if I could not think the thought that I am inadequate?

    I would be curious what makes my colleague think that I am causing his problems. I would ask him to meet me so that I could understand. I would entertain the possibility that there was just a misunderstanding. I would not disregard the supportive emails I received from others. In fact, I would give much more credit to them. I would be much calmer. I would be genuinely curious about what went wrong without blaming myself.

    The turnaround would be: I am very capable at my job.

    The turnaround opens us up to the possibility that the opposite of our thought feels as true or even truer than the initial one. Examples to the turnaround statement broaden our vision and help us see reality in its complexity.

    So how can that it be true that I am very capable at my job?

    – The three supportive emails I received from colleagues confirm that I am very capable at my job.

    – My work has always been appreciated in the previous years.

    So what was the problem in the first place? The criticism, or my deeply rooted belief that I am inadequate?

    It was the belief, wasn’t it?

    “If you keep your feathers well oiled the water of criticism will run off as from a duck’s back.” ~Ellen Swallow Richards

    The next time you feel hurt by criticism, look for the underlying limiting belief and question it with the help of The Work. This is how we keep our feathers well oiled.

    One day you might even find yourself grateful for criticism and the opportunity it presents to look inside, and better yourself.

    Crushed by criticism image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Tips to Start Loving and Stop Criticizing Yourself

    4 Tips to Start Loving and Stop Criticizing Yourself

    Happy Woman

    “You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise L. Hay

    I used to give myself quite a hard time. I felt like I wasn’t measuring up or doing enough or achieving as much as my peers.

    I decided to make a note of the way I was speaking to myself and treating myself. What I found surprised me.

    I noticed that I’d berate myself for days if something didn’t go exactly to plan, convinced that there was something wrong with me and that was why I had messed up.

    I’d tell myself that I was stupid, useless, and a thoroughly incompetent, unworthy human being. Pretty mean stuff, really!

    I wouldn’t even speak to my worst enemy that way I was speaking to myself. It was time to make a change.

    Are you at war with yourself?

    It’s been said many times that a lack of self-love is at the root of all of our problems, and I agree.

    Our addictive behaviors are so often interlinked with self-esteem issues, not feeling good enough or valuing our own worth. At times, food or drugs may be a way of self-medicating or even self-harming.

    If we’re stressed or anxious, we’re putting too much pressure on ourselves, telling ourselves that things should be a certain way—that we need to be different or try harder. We’re not accepting ourselves and the situation as it is right now.

    When we take good care of ourselves, nurture ourselves, and accept ourselves completely, stresses seem more manageable, healthy choices are natural, and we feel better within ourselves.

    Many of us think we need to be harsh and critical of ourselves in order to progress and move forward. However, evidence suggests that harsh criticism is actually demotivating and stressful, not helpful.

    If you’re sick of being at war with yourself and are ready to love yourself more and become calmer, happier, and healthier, try these four steps.

    1. Speak to yourself as you’d speak to someone you love and want to encourage.

    Would you tell them that they’re no good? Would you give them a hard time? I don’t think so.

    Tune into how you’re speaking to yourself throughout the day. Once you become aware of a harsh tone, work on changing this to a tone that is patient, compassionate, and accepting.

    Giving yourself a hard time isn’t effective at helping you to do your best. I like to remind myself that I’m doing my best, that every experience is a learning experience, and that I’m already good enough.

    2. See yourself as your loved ones see you.

    When I first met my boyfriend I didn’t believe him when he told me he loved me. I wasn’t able to see past my own self-criticism to see what he could see.

    By imagining how he saw me, I was able to perceive myself in the way that he did—all the good points, the strengths, the sense of humor, the quirks, the vulnerability, and yes, the flaws, but on the whole, I could see a worthwhile and lovable person.

    Imagine a person that loves you and picture them sitting in front of you now. Notice the way they look at you in way that lets you know that they love and accept you completely.

    Now imagine you can step into their shoes and see yourself through their eyes, with love, care, and kindness. Notice all your amazing qualities and even all of your flaws, and send yourself a lot of acceptance for all of it. Now step back into your own shoes but bring with you this new perspective.

    3. Make a daily list of the things you appreciate about yourself.

    It could be that you’re a good friend, or maybe you always remain calm in a crisis. So often we’re programmed to notice our deficiencies and the things we lack. Challenge this instinct by noticing the things you appreciate instead.

    Recently, I’ve appreciated myself for being a good listener, for making great cakes for my friend’s birthdays, for my willingness to work on myself, and for the fact that I can now do twenty whole pushups!

     4. Remember that you are a human being and are therefore fallible.

    You and everyone else on the planet are a work in progress. You don’t need to be perfect; you are always learning, always changing, and getting better every day.

    Aim for progress rather than perfection. We are all doing our best with the tools and abilities that we have at our disposal. So give yourself a break and remember that you’re doing just fine.

    I’d love to hear about the ways that learning to love yourself has helped you, or could help you. What strategies do you have for loving yourself more?

    Happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • The Antidote to Criticism: Turn Others’ Doubt Into a Standing Ovation

    The Antidote to Criticism: Turn Others’ Doubt Into a Standing Ovation

    Clapping

    “Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

    Gangly and skinny, I never attracted much attention from the opposite sex during high school. I was the friendly and funny sidekick to the popular girls—fun to hang out with but not to date.

    When an older guy approached me during my last year of high school, I thought it would be a normal high school romance.

    It turned out that our relationship wouldn’t be anything close to “normal.”

    As I began to get to know him, everyone around me started to object to our interest in each other. My family, my friends, even people I hardly spoken to in years, they all opposed our budding relationship from the start.

    One time, a friend of my parents came up to me at a restaurant and said, “He’s not for you. You’re a princess and you deserve a prince,” before walking off. It felt like a hit and run.

    They said we weren’t right for each other. They said we didn’t run in the same circles. They said we were brought up differently. They said the long distance we’d have to endure wasn’t worth it.

    They said so many things, but it didn’t matter.

    Despite their objections, we continued our relationship on and off for four years, suffering under the weight of the rejection of our loved ones. We didn’t understand why they couldn’t see how simple and right our relationship was. We didn’t understand why it was such a problem for us to be together.

    As much as we fought it, our relationship eventually buckled under all that judgment and fell to pieces.

    Now, looking back on everything I went through, I can see just how much I gained from that suffering and criticism. Not only did I enjoy a beautiful relationship and friendship for four years, I also gained something else entirely:

    I gained the opportunity to do something of my own, making my own actions and decisions based on my own criteria.

    No matter if people’s criticism were right or wrong, what matters is that I learned to follow my heart and make decisions that are important to me.

    I withstood the rejection of the people closest to my heart, all because I believed strongly in what I was doing. I was strong and steadfast—attributes I didn’t know I had.

    Hindsight is 20/20, right?

    All of those lessons are what I can see now, after everything has been over for years, but the moments when I felt attacked by their criticism were difficult to get through back then. It would’ve helped me understand it all better while I was going through it, so I started wondering…

    Why do people criticize in the first place?

    Through my conversations with friends and family that once criticized me, it seems to me that there are a few main reasons why people may criticize—all related to fear:

    1. Fear of failure.

    Most of the people that criticize our decisions are fearful of our failure. They want to protect us, and telling us their objections are their way of attempting to keep us safe from failure.

    2. Fear of change.

    Sometimes, the people who criticize us are afraid of how our decisions and actions will cause changes to the status quo. We like how things are right now, so why change them? Change means we don’t know what will happen next, what’s lying in wait around the corner.

    3. Fear of action.

    What this really means is insecurity. This is probably the most hurtful kind of criticism, but it’s very simple to break down.

    Sometimes, people criticize us because they too wish they could make these decisions or take action similar to ours. They’re afraid that they don’t have it in them to pull off what we’re trying to pull off, and they turn to criticism to deal with that fear.

    Most of these come from places of love—love for us or love for themselves. Identifying that would’ve helped me deal with what I went through years ago, but it helps me now, too, whenever I face criticism.

    Sure, there are many more reasons for criticism and not everyone gives it from a place of love, but these few examples have helped me dive deeper into why criticism arises and how I can turn it into something great.

    What can criticism turn into?

    When I suffered from the judgment of my loved ones (and the scorn of people I hardly knew, like the lady in that restaurant), I followed my heart and did what I thought was best, despite the hurt. I wasn’t aware that those few years of steadfastness would turn into what I now call a “standing ovation” of sorts.

    Recently, I was at a party with friends when an acquaintance approached me and said, “Marcella, I know we’re not close or anything, but I wanted to tell you that I admire you for standing up to everyone when you were in love. You stood up for what was right, and that was a beautiful thing to do.”

    The very people who criticize us are the same people who later on applaud our efforts.

    While it’s wonderful that someone saw the value in my struggle, I’ve recognized even greater value the more time goes by. Facing criticism and following what felt right with my first love trained me to do the same as I grew up.

    Dr. Brené Brown says, “If you’re not in the arena getting your butt kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” I’d add to that with the following: I hope that me being in the arena getting my own butt kicked can inspire others to enter the arena, as well.

    Photo by Martin Fisch

  • Loving Your Whole Body, Even the Jiggly Parts

    Loving Your Whole Body, Even the Jiggly Parts

    “When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” ~Miguel Ruiz

    When I was in fifth grade, the boy who shared the desk next to me said that I had a “roller coaster nose.”

    At that age when things were starting to sprout from places I didn’t know things could sprout, and everyone’s watching each other develop under the microscope of pre-pubescent angst, that little comment sent me into a 10-year-old tailspin.

    I would spend hours examining my nose from every angle in the mirror, only to affirm that indeed I’d been cursed with a roller coaster schnoz. I even stole clothespins from my mom’s sewing kit and would use them to pinch the lower spot of my nose in an attempt to get it even with the higher part.

    So how did I get over this ridiculousness and get onto loving all my parts? As a budding singer, I latched onto Barbra Streisand who refused to have rhinoplasty because it would ruin the sound of her voice.

    Years later, I would find inspiration in the ample-billed Jessica Simpson who once claimed her favorite body part was her crooked nose because it made her stand out from all the other blondes in showbiz. Cheesy, yes, but that is what got me on my road to healing that fifth grade wound.

    Over the years I’ve had to process the hating of many body parts—nose, thighs, butt, teeth, even my dang pinkie toe. Someone once dubbed it “The Beast.” Here are some of the steps that got me to love all the bumps, wrinkles, juicy and jiggly parts:

    1. Make a list of all the wonderful things each body part allows you do.

    My thighs have climbed the Great Wall and danced across stages all over the world. My nose has given me the most wonderful olfactory memories, like my grandmother’s cooking and the hardwood floors of my first grade classroom. My mouth has kissed, sang, grinned, and puckered. What wonderful things have your many parts done? (more…)

  • How to Adopt a Growth Mindset and Stop Fearing Criticism and Failure

    How to Adopt a Growth Mindset and Stop Fearing Criticism and Failure

    “There are no failures. Just experiences and your reactions to them.” ~Tom Krause

    Ever found yourself working for a bad boss? I was shocked to learn recently that three out of every four people report that their boss is the most stressful part of their job and that it takes most of us up to twenty-two months to free ourselves of them.

    I thought it was just me!

    A few years ago I joined a large accounting firm to help them manage their employees. Though they were nice enough people outside of work, at the office, their professional pride in finding errors and vigorously pointing them out made them the worst bosses I have ever worked for!

    Every day was a battle of constant criticism and negativity. No matter what we achieved, the focus was always on what we needed to do better.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for feedback and improving what I do at work. I also need to, at least occasionally, feel my efforts are appreciated in order to maintain my sense of enthusiasm and confidence.

    After all, we all have a deep psychological need to be respected, valued, and appreciated.

    As month after month of this behavior dragged on, for the first time ever I found myself really struggling to get out of bed and go to work. Their negativity seemed to be eating me up.

    Unwilling to just quit my job, I started researching ways to deal with my whining, moaning, negative bosses to see if I could restore some joy to my job. Luckily, I quickly discovered the field of positive psychology—the science of bringing out the best in people—and the phenomenon of “growth mindsets.”

    Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck has found that changing the way we perceive ourselves can dramatically improve our feelings and results.

    In particular, two beliefs can make a difference: Can we improve our abilities, or is this as good as we get?

    Reading this now, it probably seems like a no-brainer to you. Surely we’re all capable of change! The reality is, though, many of us secretly walk around with a “fixed mindset,” believing that our natural abilities are all we have and it won’t get much better than this. (more…)

  • Letting People Challenge You So You Can Learn and Grow

    Letting People Challenge You So You Can Learn and Grow

    “The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    My self-awareness grows while watching an eight-year-old boy navigate Sudoku.

    He wants to be good at the game, but he doesn’t want to do the work. He wants to know the next right answer without having to think.

    His approach to the puzzle is one box at a time, filling in a number at random. He doesn’t realize each little mistake right away; he may get through a row or column, but eventually it catches up with him.

    He then tries to backtrack, which you know, if you’ve ever played Sudoku, is nearly impossible. If one set of numbers doesn’t work, chances are many other numbers are incorrect, and you cannot move forward with the puzzle. 

    I suggest erasing the whole puzzle and starting over. This advice is not well received by an eight year old. He resists. He pouts. Sometimes he cries and/or storms off.

    I get frustrated with him because I am sitting there guiding him, and when he listens to me, it takes a fraction of the time to complete each puzzle. He asks for my help, but then he doesn’t focus and take the time to use his brain.

    When I guide him step-by-step through the puzzle, he is able to identify and explain why a certain number is appropriate for a specific box. When I step back and have him work through it on his own, he reverts back to the rushed guessing game.

    This process represents so much for me.

    I am a writer. I am working on various projects; one in particular has taken over my focus—metaphorically, my Sudoku puzzle.

    I have a mentor/writing partner in my life who provides the same willingness to guide me as I do for the boy. I better understand the frustrations he expresses having with me because of my role as the boy’s guide.

    Instead of admitting that he does not know the right number for a certain Sudoku box, the boy guesses. Instead of me admitting that I don’t know what to do next to further my project, I guess. (more…)

  • Keep Creating Even in the Face of Criticism

    Keep Creating Even in the Face of Criticism

    “Do not give your attention to what others do or fail to do; give it to what you do or fail to do” ~Dhammapada

    During the past couple of months I have been the recipient of some not so favorable reviews from a couple of music blogs regarding an album I recently released. In fact, two reviews in particular were not just critical but completely scathing.

    Both reviews completely devoured me. I received the most recent one right before going to bed, and allowed it to completely disrupt my sleep. I woke up numerous times playing the words over and over in my head.

    The next morning I was still unable to shrug feelings of worthlessness, inability, insecurity, and disappointment.

    That familiar feeling of a door closing on my dreams resurfaced again. The voice in my head told me that I should just quit making music once and for all. I was convinced that I had deluded myself about my abilities and that, despite all my efforts, my music will never be any good.

    “There are no failures. Just experiences and your reactions to them.” ~Tom Krause

    The truth is I do have a lot of insecurity about my abilities as an artist. From an early age, friends and peers criticized me, along with parental figures that I expected support from. So today when I receive criticism, it reopens an old wound.

    In the past, I’ve let feelings of inadequacy keep me feeling down for weeks on end. This time though, I didn’t want these feelings to dictate my entire day or week ahead. I wanted to shake this feeling immediately and not let myself drown in it any longer.

    So, in my own form of meditation, I sat with these feelings and I realized I needed to be kind to myself, a friend to myself. After all, if I can’t be kind to myself, who will? I can’t rely on external praise or wait for someone else to make me feel better.

    There are so many factors beyond our control. When we seek validation from someone else, we put power in that person’s hands.

    Within moments, I was able to shift my perspective and see things in another light. I was able to see that opinions and preferences are completely subjective. (more…)

  • Why Judging People Makes Us Unhappy

    Why Judging People Makes Us Unhappy

    “It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    A friend of mine likes to joke that dying will be a relief because it will put an end to the “heavy burden of judging,” as she calls it. She envisions herself lying in a hospital bed and, moments before death, noticing the ceiling and thinking, “What a hideous green.”

    Here’s a modest proposal: Vow that for the rest of the day, you won’t judge your friends and you won’t judge any strangers you happen to see. This would include a friend who’s a non-stop talker; it would include a friend who’s always complaining about his life. It would include the strangers you pass on the street or see in a waiting room.

    I call it a modest proposal because I’m not even addressing the issue of self-judgment, let alone BP or Gaddafi. No. I’m just asking you not to judge friends or strangers.

    It’s entirely possible you won’t make it past a few minutes without judging someone!

    So, why not just judge away?

    To answer that, let me start by drawing a distinction between judgment and discernment.

    Discernment means perceiving the way things are, period.

    Judgment is what we add to discernment when we make a comparison (implicit or explicit) between how things or people are and how we think they ought to be. So, in judgment, there’s an element of dissatisfaction with the way things are and a desire to have things be the way we want them to be. (more…)