Tiny Buddha

Tag: criticism

  • Start Believing in Yourself: How To Adopt A Language of Love

    Start Believing in Yourself: How To Adopt A Language of Love

    “Once you have learned to love, you will have learned to live.” ~Unknown

    We are powerful, vivacious, brilliant creatures. Our thoughts and ideas create the very world around us. We constantly, and often unconsciously, exude and radiate palpable energy that permeates through every crack and crevasse of our lives.

    Our words hold especially powerful energy and the ability to uplift and inspire others and ourselves, or send us spiraling down the ladder to Bummersville. Learning to recognize our inner Negative Nancy allows us to pump up the volume on our love lingo to bring us back to a place of clarity, peace, and happiness.

    As a young woman in my early twenties, I am no stranger to the pitfalls of self-criticism. As a child of divorced parents, I grew up with the belief that I was somehow imperfect. Inadequate. Just shy of being good enough. 

    My teenage years proved to be of little consolation, as I was suddenly introduced to the world of comparisons. The desire to be as thin as, rich as, and cool as whoever was entirely consuming. I validated this belief of not being good enough with constant self-judgment.

    I clouded every move I made with the veil of criticism. No goal or achievement was ever really celebrated, just held up in comparison to someone else’s triumphs.

    Finally, after being introduced to the idea of self-love, I did an experiment in which I tried to mentally note each time I said something negative about myself in one day. Holy eye-opener. Before I even finished breakfast I had already torn myself apart with self-criticism and harsh judgment.

    I would never think to speak to someone I dislike in the way that I was thought-bashing myself.

    It’s no wonder I didn’t feel enthusiastic or passionate about anything. All of that garbage mind chatter was blocking my ability to see the reality: I am outrageously perfect. I have purpose. My life has meaning. I am an integral part of the whole.

    I still struggle from time to time to tune out my inner critic and embrace my inner cheerleader; beliefs that we hold onto for a long time as truths are never easy to let go of. But I have found that there is a distinct correlation with the words I use as a part of my regular vocabulary and the way that I feel.

    Adopting a language of love is essential in keeping me aligned with my highest self. 

    Here are my no-no’s and big YES!’s when it comes to speaking the language de amor:

    • Stop saying, “I can’t.” You can; you just haven’t done it yet or you haven’t tried.
    • Stop saying, “Always.” Actually, just stop generalizing. Nothing is black and white.
    • Stop saying, “They did, he did, she did…” It’s a subtle (or sometimes not-so-subtle) form of blame. Observe your current situation and ask, “What can I do now? How can I make this better?”
    • Stop saying, “I wish this or that.” Instead say, “I want this and these are the steps I am going to take to get me there.”
    • Really stop saying “I am not good enough. I am fat. I am ugly. I’ve made too many poor choices. I’ve tried before and it didn’t work out.”

    I like to imagine that I am made up of a team. I’ve got inspiration, truth, gratitude, enthusiasm, ambition, worry, deprecation, blame, and sadness. The game’s all tied up, this is the crucial moment that decides whether my team moves forward or is left behind.

    Who am I gonna put in the game? Who’s gonna be on the bench? This isn’t practice…this is life! Keep worry, deprecation, blame, and sadness off the court. They’re gonna lose the game.

    Adopting a language of love is not about positive affirmations. It’s not about trying to convince yourself that you feel something else other than what you feel, or that a situation is something other than what it is.

    It’s about consciously choosing thoughts and words with uplifting energy. It’s about embracing what is intrinsically true and inherent: You got this. 

    Whatever your situation, whatever your roadblock or mental block or financial block, you’ll figure it out. How do I know? Because we all contain inside of us the capacity to manifest our deepest desires and stay the course all the way to the end.

    Let’s adjust our thinking and speaking to reflect that, shall we?

    May love become our new modus operandi.

    Photo by aussiegal

  • Don’t Let Anyone’s Criticism or Judgment Define Who You Are

    Don’t Let Anyone’s Criticism or Judgment Define Who You Are

    Hiding in the Shadows

    “There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

    I was a chunky, shy little girl who was attached to my mom’s leg. She was my protector and served as a source of unconditional love.

    As I left my mom’s side and went off to school, I encountered many new faces that introduced me to criticism and judgment.

    Being judged by your physical attributes as an adult, in a society that constantly strives for physical perfection, is hard enough, but understanding those judgments as a little girl can be quite the challenge.

    At such a young age, I had no way to process the mean words tossed my way, so I built a shell around myself and often wished I could become invisible to avoid hurting. I tried to carry on as if others’ words could not impact me.

    What I quickly learned as I went through life is that we all encounter many people along the way who will attempt to tear us down and break our spirit. What I couldn’t realize then is that it’s truly up to us to decide how we allow others to make us feel and whether or not we allow them to shape us into a person we are not.

    That little girl in a shell grew older, moving on through middle school, high school, college, and the career world post graduation.

    I encountered each day, each year, and each new opportunity with the same feeling of insecurity that formed in that little girl so many years ago.

    Even with all of the growth I’d experienced as I went through relationships, graduated college, lived on my own, and accomplished many goals, I somehow still felt like that vulnerable little girl who wished to remain unnoticed and wanted to crawl into a shell to avoid judgment.

    What makes the feeling worse is that those judgments don’t end when we leave childhood. They are simply just beginning. We will always encounter critics along our journey through life.

    When I began college, I joined practically every activity related to my major. In my personal life, I went on dates and tried to play the confident girl with a smile.

    After I graduated from college, I had to go on job interviews and pretend I was self-assured. Once I got the job, I had to give presentations, speak at meetings, and continue to fulfill my role with confidence.

    I pushed myself to achieve and continue moving forward, but I never felt truly fulfilled. I still remained insecure and began to question why I felt that way, why I was always stuck in my own head, and why I seemed to carry that shell on my back.

    Ultimately, I realized that I felt insecure because I was carrying around the words and judgments I’d heard at different points in my life as if they were written into the code of my DNA.

    I allowed people who held no significance in my life to take from who I am and hinder the person I have come to be.

    We have all had someone say something that does not reflect who we truly are, but sometimes we give it so much power that we allow it to define us.

    Because we are human, it is not always easy to instantly deflect how certain words make us feel, but we can search within ourselves to recognize when they become detrimental to who we are and how we live our lives.

    Have you ever let judgments or criticism from your past hinder who you are in the present? Have you allowed those words to impact what you are truly capable of? Now is the time to take back that power.

    Bring Those Feelings to the Surface

    It wasn’t until I was twenty-five years old that I could dig deep enough to peel away the layers I had built over the years and be honest with myself. Those layers masked the pain that had followed me wherever I seemed to go.

    If we are not honest with ourselves, it’s easier to remain in that shell and continue on as if those feelings don’t exist. We then relinquish our control and convince ourselves that maybe we are that person as we continue on the same path.

    Share Your Feelings With Someone Close to You

    Oftentimes, we find shame in the criticisms and judgments we’ve faced, so, we keep them to ourselves. After all, they’ve already hindered us enough. Why expose such raw feelings?

    Saying it out loud to someone who genuinely cares and supports you can minimize some of the vulnerability you feel from those who have been so quick to judge you.

    It can be therapeutic in not only bringing it to the surface, but in sharing it with another person who can be there for you and serve as a support system.

    Surround Yourself With the Right People/Eliminate the Wrong Ones

    While I did not have a choice to be surrounded by those kids in school, I have discovered the power in surrounding myself with positive people who have my best interests at heart.

    It’s not always easy to let go of people we form relationships with, but if those relationships enforce the negative feelings we are trying to release ourselves from, they only become counterproductive.

    People who truly care about us and deserve to be in our lives will not attempt to bring us down or carry the same judgments the people of our past have carried.

    Remind Yourself Who You Are

    It’s easy to get so caught up in what others say that we begin to see ourselves in that light. Don’t lose sight of who you truly are and the unique qualities you’ve built within yourself.

    As I go about my days, form new relationships, take on new challenges in my career, encounter obstacles, and celebrate accomplishments in life, I take the time to remind myself of who I’ve come to be on my own terms, not who other people have deemed me to be.

    I find that the more I change my old habits of thinking as that little girl with the shell, the easier it is for me to truly be the person I’ve chosen to be.

    It took me a long time, but I was finally able to recognize that the little girl with the shell is not who I am today. She will always be a part of me, but I cannot allow her to dominate my days or I will not be living up to my full potential.

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned on my journey so far, it’s that people can only take from you what you allow. If you allow others to define who you are, you are giving them the power to dictate where your path will lead.

    Photo by craigCloutier

  • Loving Your Whole Body, Even the Jiggly Parts

    Loving Your Whole Body, Even the Jiggly Parts

    “When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” ~Miguel Ruiz

    When I was in fifth grade, the boy who shared the desk next to me said that I had a “roller coaster nose.”

    At that age when things were starting to sprout from places I didn’t know things could sprout, and everyone’s watching each other develop under the microscope of pre-pubescent angst, that little comment sent me into a 10-year-old tailspin.

    I would spend hours examining my nose from every angle in the mirror, only to affirm that indeed I’d been cursed with a roller coaster schnoz. I even stole clothespins from my mom’s sewing kit and would use them to pinch the lower spot of my nose in an attempt to get it even with the higher part.

    So how did I get over this ridiculousness and get onto loving all my parts? As a budding singer, I latched onto Barbra Streisand who refused to have rhinoplasty because it would ruin the sound of her voice.

    Years later, I would find inspiration in the ample-billed Jessica Simpson who once claimed her favorite body part was her crooked nose because it made her stand out from all the other blondes in showbiz. Cheesy, yes, but that is what got me on my road to healing that fifth grade wound.

    Over the years I’ve had to process the hating of many body parts—nose, thighs, butt, teeth, even my dang pinkie toe. Someone once dubbed it “The Beast.” Here are some of the steps that got me to love all the bumps, wrinkles, juicy and jiggly parts:

    1. Make a list of all the wonderful things each body part allows you do.

    My thighs have climbed the Great Wall and danced across stages all over the world. My nose has given me the most wonderful olfactory memories, like my grandmother’s cooking and the hardwood floors of my first grade classroom. My mouth has kissed, sang, grinned, and puckered. What wonderful things have your many parts done? (more…)

  • How to Adopt a Growth Mindset and Stop Fearing Criticism and Failure

    How to Adopt a Growth Mindset and Stop Fearing Criticism and Failure

    “There are no failures. Just experiences and your reactions to them.” ~Tom Krause

    Ever found yourself working for a bad boss? I was shocked to learn recently that three out of every four people report that their boss is the most stressful part of their job and that it takes most of us up to twenty-two months to free ourselves of them.

    I thought it was just me!

    A few years ago I joined a large accounting firm to help them manage their employees. Though they were nice enough people outside of work, at the office, their professional pride in finding errors and vigorously pointing them out made them the worst bosses I have ever worked for!

    Every day was a battle of constant criticism and negativity. No matter what we achieved, the focus was always on what we needed to do better.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for feedback and improving what I do at work. I also need to, at least occasionally, feel my efforts are appreciated in order to maintain my sense of enthusiasm and confidence.

    After all, we all have a deep psychological need to be respected, valued, and appreciated.

    As month after month of this behavior dragged on, for the first time ever I found myself really struggling to get out of bed and go to work. Their negativity seemed to be eating me up.

    Unwilling to just quit my job, I started researching ways to deal with my whining, moaning, negative bosses to see if I could restore some joy to my job. Luckily, I quickly discovered the field of positive psychology—the science of bringing out the best in people—and the phenomenon of “growth mindsets.”

    Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck has found that changing the way we perceive ourselves can dramatically improve our feelings and results.

    In particular, two beliefs can make a difference: Can we improve our abilities, or is this as good as we get?

    Reading this now, it probably seems like a no-brainer to you. Surely we’re all capable of change! The reality is, though, many of us secretly walk around with a “fixed mindset,” believing that our natural abilities are all we have and it won’t get much better than this. (more…)

  • Letting People Challenge You So You Can Learn and Grow

    Letting People Challenge You So You Can Learn and Grow

    “The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    My self-awareness grows while watching an eight-year-old boy navigate Sudoku.

    He wants to be good at the game, but he doesn’t want to do the work. He wants to know the next right answer without having to think.

    His approach to the puzzle is one box at a time, filling in a number at random. He doesn’t realize each little mistake right away; he may get through a row or column, but eventually it catches up with him.

    He then tries to backtrack, which you know, if you’ve ever played Sudoku, is nearly impossible. If one set of numbers doesn’t work, chances are many other numbers are incorrect, and you cannot move forward with the puzzle. 

    I suggest erasing the whole puzzle and starting over. This advice is not well received by an eight year old. He resists. He pouts. Sometimes he cries and/or storms off.

    I get frustrated with him because I am sitting there guiding him, and when he listens to me, it takes a fraction of the time to complete each puzzle. He asks for my help, but then he doesn’t focus and take the time to use his brain.

    When I guide him step-by-step through the puzzle, he is able to identify and explain why a certain number is appropriate for a specific box. When I step back and have him work through it on his own, he reverts back to the rushed guessing game.

    This process represents so much for me.

    I am a writer. I am working on various projects; one in particular has taken over my focus—metaphorically, my Sudoku puzzle.

    I have a mentor/writing partner in my life who provides the same willingness to guide me as I do for the boy. I better understand the frustrations he expresses having with me because of my role as the boy’s guide.

    Instead of admitting that he does not know the right number for a certain Sudoku box, the boy guesses. Instead of me admitting that I don’t know what to do next to further my project, I guess. (more…)

  • 7 Things to Remember When People Don’t Support You

    7 Things to Remember When People Don’t Support You

    “I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do! That is character!” ~Theodore Roosevelt

    I’m currently doing the whole “quit my job to pursue a dream” thing. I left the security and stability of having a salary along with a supposed career.

    Back then, I didn’t really know what I was doing. I had no experience in blogging, plus I didn’t exactly have the confidence to market and start running a business.

    Sounds crazy, right?

    You can imagine the reaction I got from my friends and family. The support was next to nothing, and people generally never understood what I was doing—what I was trying to do.

    Does this sound familiar?

    You may not have done something huge, like make a career shift, but perhaps you’ve offered a different opinion and everyone just disagreed.

    You would have expected more from your loved ones. I know how disheartening that can be.

    You expect support and encouragement from people you consider close to you only to be completely rejected, criticized, or worse, laughed at.

    It can be really hard to swallow all the “noise” around you.

    I was taken by surprise by some of the things I heard from friends; some of the comments were particularly hurtful.

    I think it boils down to learning how to not care so much about what others think, and also, conversely, understanding what goes on in their minds.

    I’ve come up with a little guide of reminders that I hope can help you keep going if you feel alone.

    1. Your passion is a priority.

    A lot of people go through the motions in life, not doing what they love. They end up constantly looking back, asking themselves, “What if?”

    Whether people support you or not, do you really want to look back in regret one day down the line? To not know what could have happened if you tried to do what you really wanted to do? (more…)

  • Constructive Criticism Is a Sign of Your Potential

    Constructive Criticism Is a Sign of Your Potential

    “Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

    Like a lot of kids, I grew up watching sports. Every Sunday afternoon, our family would gather around the big screen TV to watch the Pittsburgh Steelers play.

    As a result, I began to idolize some of my favorite players and wanted to play the sport that brought them such fame, but little did I know that the coaching would be so brutal.

    In middle school, I went out for the football team wanting to earn the privilege of wearing the glorious hoodies that only the athletes were allowed to wear. I was fortunate to be among the ones who would survive tryouts, and was even given the opportunity to start at strong-safety and tight end.

    Being a seventh grader starting at two positions would mean my coach would also have the opportunity to “coach me up” on both sides of the field.

    The week before the first game, the head coach just kept barking at me. Either my routes weren’t crisp enough, I didn’t hold my block long enough, or should have recognized the situation faster to make a better defensive play.

    No matter what I was doing, it just wasn’t enough to meet his high standards.

    I may never in the rest of my entire life amass as many pushups as I had to do that week,

    Moreover, I remember walking to the car with my head hanging, as if it weighed as much as a ton of bricks, and my dad asking what was wrong.

    I vented about how my coach was riding me more than the other players and that it was messing with my confidence. My dad began to tell me that it was a good thing that he was coaching me so hard.

    He said, “When people stop giving you constructive criticism, they have most likely given up on you.”

    I took my dad’s words of wisdom and went into the next practices assured that my coach was merely trying to make me the best player possible, because I had the potential to do better than what I was currently doing. (more…)

  • Keep Creating Even in the Face of Criticism

    Keep Creating Even in the Face of Criticism

    “Do not give your attention to what others do or fail to do; give it to what you do or fail to do” ~Dhammapada

    During the past couple of months I have been the recipient of some not so favorable reviews from a couple of music blogs regarding an album I recently released. In fact, two reviews in particular were not just critical but completely scathing.

    Both reviews completely devoured me. I received the most recent one right before going to bed, and allowed it to completely disrupt my sleep. I woke up numerous times playing the words over and over in my head.

    The next morning I was still unable to shrug feelings of worthlessness, inability, insecurity, and disappointment.

    That familiar feeling of a door closing on my dreams resurfaced again. The voice in my head told me that I should just quit making music once and for all. I was convinced that I had deluded myself about my abilities and that, despite all my efforts, my music will never be any good.

    “There are no failures. Just experiences and your reactions to them.” ~Tom Krause

    The truth is I do have a lot of insecurity about my abilities as an artist. From an early age, friends and peers criticized me, along with parental figures that I expected support from. So today when I receive criticism, it reopens an old wound.

    In the past, I’ve let feelings of inadequacy keep me feeling down for weeks on end. This time though, I didn’t want these feelings to dictate my entire day or week ahead. I wanted to shake this feeling immediately and not let myself drown in it any longer.

    So, in my own form of meditation, I sat with these feelings and I realized I needed to be kind to myself, a friend to myself. After all, if I can’t be kind to myself, who will? I can’t rely on external praise or wait for someone else to make me feel better.

    There are so many factors beyond our control. When we seek validation from someone else, we put power in that person’s hands.

    Within moments, I was able to shift my perspective and see things in another light. I was able to see that opinions and preferences are completely subjective. (more…)