Tiny Buddha

Tag: criticism

  • Overcoming Defensive Thinking: If You Try to Avoid Criticism, Read On

    Overcoming Defensive Thinking: If You Try to Avoid Criticism, Read On

    “We are used to thinking of thinking as a good thing, as that which makes us human. It can be quite a revelation to discover that so much of our thinking appears to be boring, repetitive, and pointless while keeping us isolated and cut off from the feelings of connection that we most value.” ~Mark Epstein

    I grew up with parents who seemed to love me until I was eight but then turned on me inexplicably.

    Suddenly, my father would hit me, two knuckles on top of my head, yelling, “Why don’t you listen?”

    My parents gave me grudging credit for my large vocabulary, remarkable memory, and precocious reading, so I invested everything in my mind, but it didn’t make much of a difference. I had no real approval, escape, or safety. As a result, I became trapped in my head, always looking for ways to gain their validation and protect myself from the pain of their disapproval.

    I later learned that I was engaging in “defensive thinking”—attaching to favorable situations and trying to avoid anything that might bring criticism.

    “But Dad, what about—“, I’d gulp, hoping he wouldn’t yell or hit me. I’d inevitably fail to get a favorable response, and my inner critic would yell at me, too, “You idiot! Why did you say that?”

    So, before the next time, I’d tell the critic, “This is what I’m going to say,” and he’d respond, “You better hope you don’t make a mistake, like last time, you dope! You’re supposed to be so smart, but you’re stupid!”

    My father’s alcoholism, with its predictable unpredictability, made my ego’s maneuvering useless. No matter how feverishly my mind worked to protect me, the abuse continued.

    In college, for the first time in years, I experienced a healthy emotional life, as my wonderful friends accepted me for who I was, not who I tried to be.

    But when I came home after graduating in July 1977, with time between college and graduate school, I regressed from age twenty-two to age eight.

    I anticipated my father’s rages and insults and struggled to hold on for three months.

    I’d talk with wonder and excitement about Nietzsche and Hume, and my father would sneer at me, “The problem with people like that is that they didn’t do enough dishes.”

    I knew this was a thinly veiled criticism of me, since I’d invested so much in my own mind.

    Worst of all, I knew the sneer compensated for the fact that I was now taller and bigger than he was. He couldn’t reach the top of my head to hit me anymore.

    But words hurt, and those did. The inevitable conclusion: Maybe I was worthless.

    I’d wondered that at age eight. In the same house, I wondered it again at age twenty-two.

    My mind would literally race to stay safe, losing the present, blaming myself for the past, and anticipating the future, with dread, in a futile attempt to escape abuse.

    One night, after returning from a trip I’d taken without my father’s approval, my mind simply stopped its chatter. Perhaps it happened because I realized how little power I had to change my situation. It was the first time I could ever remember feeling safe, despite my environment.

    I was totally absorbed in the present moment.

    At first I thought it was depression. I only realized later it was something else.

    Authenticity.

    Although my mind eventually resumed its chatter, I realized that, even in the most insecure of places, I could feel the emptiness of peace.

    Protection

    We start engaging in defensive thinking because our inner critic works like a prison guard to provide a minimum of safety against some exterior threat.

    If you couldn’t explain the intimate betrayal of your parents, you had to find an explanation for it in your own behavior. The mental alternative, the absolute randomness of the event, was too awful to contemplate.

    Let’s say I was working on my father’s most obsessive pastime, his yearlong quest to ready enough wood to heat the house all winter. I’d cut the wood badly; insecure, I’d hesitate and I’d fumble. I wouldn’t know how to operate tools (I’d become frightened of them, thinking them extensions of his explosive anger).

    For years, my father grabbed tools out of my hands in frustration, insisting on doing tasks himself; so my hesitation, and his impatience, simply got worse. He thought I was lazy. He’d grown up in a tough environment but was unaware that he’d made my environment just as bad.

    Maybe if I criticized myself first, I thought, I’d head off his criticism. The tragic part of this type of behavior is that it creates a lifelong pattern of self-abuse. If you do that often enough, over a long enough period of time, even after the original critic’s death, your inner critic will be only too happy to continue.

    I tried desperately to escape his negativity, as one tries unsuccessfully to escape a wave. I didn’t ride it gently or dive below it, but tried to jump above it. I knew that the inevitable end of such futile jumping was to be dashed against the hard ocean floor, powerless.

    Enforced habits die hard when there’s no escape.

    My own internal critic was, if anything, more savage than my father. Since I couldn’t understand why a loving father could change so completely out of the blue, the problem had to be me.

    I lost too many days to “defensive” chatter, particularly during high external stress. I’d spend hours talking to my ego, trying to justify my likes, such as reading and music, and to avoid dislikes, like physical labor and mechanical challenges, since I knew, from experience, these would always produce father-disapproving results.

    How did I overcome this internal situation that threatened to ruin my life daily?

    1. Seek help.

    My healthier mind became possible through therapy.

    Mentally healthy individuals have an inner parent that talks their internal child through difficult times. Sometimes, due to long-term trauma or a one-time event, that stronger part, that inner parent, becomes unavailable.

    I took on a partner who simply “stood in” for the stronger part of me until I could get control of defensive thinking. My therapist became the nourishing external parent until I could connect again with the nourishing parent inside.

    I was always an extremely gifted advisor to other people, yet I couldn’t provide the same service to myself. Now I can.

    2. Look carefully at the defensive mind and its chatter.

    My first therapist suggested a Buddhist approach and vocabulary to our work together.

    Suddenly, I discovered meditation and slowed down my experiences to review both my reactive and automatic thought patterns. I realized that the mind can uncouple itself from the false self of the ego entirely, observe, and step into core, silent authenticity.

    At that time, I discovered a life-saving book, Joan Borysenko’s Minding the Body, Mending the Mind. I would begin to relax as I’d read her descriptions of how the mind functions, what the mind was made for, and what is was not intended for.

    I’d follow her advice to close my eyes, breathe, and simply watch with inner eyes as my mind became empty; and finally, best of all, I’d remember to slip into the pose of the “witness,” the observer behind my “chatter.” In fact, Borysenko brought home to me the fact that the internal “observer” is the greatest servant of the nourishing inner parent.

    The book also characterized the ego as “the Judge” with its negative protectiveness, and so I began to review how I mediated my thoughts, experience, and existence.

    3. Get in touch with attachment and aversion.

    A book I discovered later, Mark Epstein’s Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart reaffirmed and further explored what Borysenko had introduced me to, the dynamic of “attachment” and “aversion”—the two-headed monster of self-induced delusion and pain.

    Our ego wants to “attach” to external praise, while it wants to “avert” criticism.

    It’s unhealthy to be dependent on outside approval in this way, and it’s also not conducive to healthy relationships. Defensive thinking cuts us off from the present and prevents us from dealing with others authentically, since we’re focused on getting a certain reaction from them, not simply engaging with them.

    Also, it’s fruitless to try to avert criticism, since it’s inevitable. And we can’t always be sure someone’s actually criticizing us. As I dug deeper, I discovered that, all too often, I projected my trauma-induced inner critic into the actions or words of people around me.

    I attributed random talk and actions to some larger rejection of me, when the only person consistently rejecting and criticizing me was, in fact, myself.

    “Even-mindedness,” as Borysenko calls it, is the sure way to peace, since it enables us to disinvest from both external praise and blame.

    4. Re-experience the pain behind the inner critic.

    After decades of therapy, extraordinary persistence, hard work, and courage, I finally re-experienced the dislocation of my father’s rejection of me. I sat in a room with someone I trusted watching me in silent sympathy and support, as my body convulsed with racking sobs.

    I could now be eight again so that I could re-experience the trauma, sympathize with myself, reintegrate, and move on.

    In those therapy sessions I learned that my thinking was a defense mechanism. It was a flimsy barrier against the overwhelming pain in my gut, a life-affirming yet almost intolerable pain I could not approach for decades.

    Suddenly, after violent re-immersion in that eight-year old’s world, I developed the inner holding tank for feelings that healthy people have so they don’t bounce from emotional gut pain into defensive mind-trapped thinking.

    But I could never have reached that place of direct and terrible re-experience without slowly peeling away the layers of defensive thinking.

    Allowing myself the direct pain experience without any attempt to rationalize it freed me from the internal critic, the involuntary product of trauma.

    I could accept the awful truth: I didn’t have an explanation for my father’s changed behavior, and it wasn’t my fault.

    My critic was the tragic misuse of a fine mind never meant to substitute for authentic feeling, whether joy or pain.

    —

    When both my sons were born, despite the overpowering stress that my inner critic subjected me to (I thought I’d be a terrible father due to my own father’s behavior), I felt this incredible peace.

    It was like gentle submersion into a quiet, clear pool.

    The water was warm, the solitude womb-like, and the entire experience felt like perfect peace.

    Only emptiness allows such an experience.

    Everyone suffers from self-criticism, but the healthiest people temper and compensate for their inner critic with a nourishing inner parent.

    If you can peel back the layers of your defensive thinking gently and compassionately, then do so.

    If, as was my case, your inner chamber of emotion is so unreachable due to the terrors that lurk there, then bring in a trusted external partner, a therapist, who can be the surrogate you need in order to patiently rediscover the nourishing inner parent who is your birthright.

    Observation and mindfulness can be keys to unlock the doors of practiced defensive thinking.

    Consistently open the channel to that inner nurturing presence, stay present as you experience life, and get behind the critic’s reason for being.

    As a result, you can liberate yourself from a defensive life.

    Live free, and find a safe and healthy way to feel the joy of fertile emptiness.

  • How to Tame Your Inner Critic: A Simple Habit to Rewire Your Brain

    How to Tame Your Inner Critic: A Simple Habit to Rewire Your Brain

    “I acknowledge my own worth. My confidence is growing.” ~Unknown

    Sometimes I feel like a spider whose web is repeatedly torn down. I plan something and start taking action. Then life happens, and setbacks threaten to sap my energy and enthusiasm.

    Whenever I take on too much, I can feel as if I’m juggling a million balls. And doing it badly.

    You’ve probably seen T-shirts saying, “Things are a bit crazy around here.” That could easily describe me when I allow myself to become overloaded.

    It’s easy to feel stressed and to slip into harsh self-criticism. Especially when I hold myself to unrealistic perfectionism or get swept away by impatience. Or when I start comparing myself to others who seem to be in a better space.

    But all’s not lost. I love to keep learning. That keeps me hopeful about finding solutions, no matter what the problem.

    I keep identifying and adopting simple science-based actions that yield big payoffs for well-being. The simpler the practice, the more easily it fits into my busy life.

    So, what can be done when life gets too stressful and setbacks lead to harsh self-criticism?

    The Tug of War in Your Brain

    Until relatively recently, scientists believed that the brain could not develop beyond a certain age. The adult brain could not change, it was thought, apart from gradually shrinking from your late twenties onward. So, if your brain habitually criticized and demotivated you, then that was how you’d remain.

    That view is simply mistaken, as science has discovered. Your brain can develop, even during adulthood.

    There’s hope for us all, provided we start respecting ourselves enough to practice self-care.

    How would you like to start rewiring your harshly self-critical brain using a simple five-second habit? I’ll share a transformational habit I’ve adopted, but first let’s understand this a bit more. Once you understand why a practice works, it’s easier to make it part of your life.

    Stress and negativity do remarkable things to your brain. When stress overwhelms you enough to keep your mood constantly low, your brain starts to gradually change. The core component of your brain, the grey matter, grows less dense in some helpful parts of your brain. But it grows denser in some self-critical parts.

    It’s almost as if there’s a tug of war between these two parts. An overdose of stress weakens the helpful parts, allowing the self-critical parts to dominate.

    That’s the bad news. Fortunately, there’s good news.

    Your brain can keep developing, and the unhelpful changes can be reversed. You have “stem cells,” so named because they can develop into various types of new brain cells. Also, new connections can develop between the cells in your brain.

    You can encourage such helpful developments by the actions and thoughts you embrace. In effect, you can assist your brain to keep developing in a helpful way.

    Before I describe the simple but powerful five-second practice, there’s a story I want to share. It will help illustrate how the practice works.

    My Story

    I had once accumulated a lot of weight, was on statin treatment for high cholesterol levels, and couldn’t shed the excess weight despite regularly exercising. I attributed this to being over forty. I knew I was on a conveyor belt headed for a coronary bypass operation or heart attack and was keen to escape.

    Then a noticeably trim classmate from my medical school visited us and ate surprisingly small portions of some things but surprisingly large portions of others. They too were over forty years old. What did they know that I didn’t?

    Health and well-being are, to me, priceless treasures. People often destroy their well-being in desperate pursuit of material things. They can end up ill, sometimes forfeiting even the material things they craved.

    I didn’t want to be yet another person sleepwalking toward a heart attack. I decided to investigate the secrets of staying trim despite middle age. I was strongly motivated, and in a helpful way.

    There were many challenges. I needed to grapple with the scientific literature, to untangle the conflicting information about how to eat well.

    My other big challenge was that I love delicious food, especially when eating in company. I was wary of solutions that took all the enjoyment out of food, or tended to isolate me from friends and family.

    Eventually I found an approach that transformed my health for good, but the details are for another time. The point here is that I had many setbacks and failures along the way. Despite the setbacks, I succeeded in permanently reducing my waist circumference by several inches and no longer need the statin treatment.

    There’s one practice that helped me, more than anything else, to recover after setbacks. It’s so stupidly simple that its power easily can be underestimated.

    But it works, as long as it’s practiced consistently.

    I call it REBS. You’ll discover why.

    REBS Tames Your Harsh Inner Critic

    When I was a young child, I was fascinated by orderly lines of ants. I spent ages observing them and perversely enjoyed drawing a stick or finger across the line. That would confuse the ants, and chaos would ensue.

    However, in a little while, the line would form once again. The ants recovered and resumed doing what was important in their lives.

    Let’s say you decide that something is important in your life and you plan how to act accordingly. Perhaps, like me, you’re keen on avoiding a heart attack and you decide to start eating better. Let’s say you’re armed with the relevant knowledge and know exactly what to do.

    You start out enthusiastically, until a setback happens. Perhaps someone presents you with a box of your favorite chocolates.

    Before you know it the chocolates are somehow all out of the box and inside you. Within half an hour! Many people might consider that a triumph, but let’s say that you consider it a setback.

    This is a crucial moment. What do you do? Start criticizing yourself?

    What if, instead, you treat this setback as a temporary blip? You focus on resuming your journey of eating well. When you sit down for your next nourishing meal, you accept your stumble but congratulate yourself for getting back on track.

    Even when you don’t stumble and fall, you keep congratulating yourself for each small advance. Each nourishing meal, in this context, becomes a small triumph and an occasion for self-congratulation. Each half-hour without grazing on snacks becomes another small triumph and another occasion for self-congratulation.

    Imagine rewarding yourself for every small advance, with a quick self-congratulatory phrase. Especially when you get back on track after a setback.

    You can, in this way, create a steady stream of self-congratulation that is based on real advances. You don’t settle for empty words. Instead, you acknowledge and celebrate doing each small step, which carries you in your chosen direction.

    When your mind is busy with this reality-based self-congratulation, there’s less room for harsh self-criticism, or brutal perfectionism, or comparing yourself to others. You start to transform your self-image and self-confidence.

    I call this practice REBS, short for reality-based self-congratulation. It’s a rebellion against your harsh inner critic, who can otherwise be a demotivating tyrant. It helps the self-respecting part of you to prevail over the harshly self-critical part of you.

    You start to unleash the self-repairing power of your brain, even as you transform your self-image.

    Setbacks become an opportunity for you to recover and practice REBS. The more you do this, the harder it becomes for setbacks and stress to keep you down.

    Which self-congratulatory phrase could you use? The simplest is probably “I’m doing this, I’m okay.” Your “it” can be the smallest meaningful step imaginable, such as sitting down for a healthy meal.

    Keep this practice firmly based in reality, anchored to your small helpful steps. Then you’ll be able to do it meaningfully and with conviction. But do it at every opportunity, no matter how small your triumph.

    In summary: Take a meaningful small step, then treat yourself to a quick dose of REBS (reality-based self-congratulation). Repeat, and keep going.

    Suffered a setback? Pick yourself up, resume your journey with the next small step, and treat yourself to a quick dose of REBS.

    Is This Relevant to Other Situations?

    I used my experience with eating well as an example. But we could apply this to a wide variety of situations.

    If you feel worn out from taking care of others and have forgotten how to take care of yourself, then your small step can be as simple as listing your own needs.

    If you’re a recovering workaholic, then your small step can be as simple as taking a short walk, or meditating for a few minutes, or freeing up an evening for playful relaxation with your partner.

    If you’re a sales manager who’s just lost a big deal, then your small step can be as simple as identifying the next good prospect.

    If you’re a doctor or health care professional overwhelmed by the demands on your time, or complaints from patients, then your small step can be as simple as taking a short break to regain perspective and consider your options.

    If you’re a business owner trying to cope with unhelpful staff or business partners, then your small step can be as simple as choosing the most important points you want to communicate to them.

    If you’re scurrying around at work like a headless chicken, then your small step can be as simple as putting other tasks aside and focusing on just one important task in your long list.

    If you’re confused about some decision, then your small step can be as simple as listing your options, in order to consider the pros and cons before choosing.

    If you applied for a better job but didn’t get it, then your small step can be as simple as listing other opportunities.

    If you have a disabling illness, then your small step can be very small indeed. It might be as simple as getting out of bed, or walking a few paces without a stick, or contacting a friend.

    If you’ve had a bitter argument with your partner or child, then your small step can be as simple as reaching out with a gesture of reconciliation. And so on.

    You decide what actions are good, helpful and important in your life at this time.

    This practice can be applied in all areas of your life: personal, family and home life, community life, work life etc.

    The Payoff

    We all make unwise choices and experience setbacks. Your harsh inner critic can sometimes make you feel worthless and unlovable. REBS (reality-based self-congratulation) allows you to rebel against the tyranny of that inner critic.

    It reminds you that you’re always worthy of respect, love, and forgiveness. Even when you stumble—and especially when you stumble.

    Is this simple five-second practice the answer to all life’s problems and challenges? Of course not. Does your brain get rewired immediately? Of course not, it takes consistent practice. REBS needs to become a habit.

    Do you still have to decide what really matters to you, make plans, and solve problems? Of course you do.

    But REBS is a very useful companion on your journey. That’s because it takes almost no time, yet works powerfully to help you grow out of overly harsh self-criticism. You start to respect and take care of yourself.

    Instead of brooding over setbacks, you begin treating each setback as a springboard for small helpful steps, accompanied by self-congratulation.

    You become less easily discouraged. In a subtle way, you become almost unstoppable in pursuit of whatever you value deeply. Your perseverance starts to resemble that of determined ants who re-form a broken line, or of a spider who resumes spinning a destroyed web.

    Success is no longer confined to the distant future. Instead, it starts to inhabit each meaningful small step that you take in your chosen direction.

    You start to rewire your brain. Your inner critic starts to transform into a helpful cheerleader. Instead of a constant stream of negative self-talk, you start to enjoy a steady flow of self-congratulation.

    Your confidence grows, and your life starts to become more meaningful, fulfilling and joyful.

    This practice of reality-based self-congratulation (REBS) costs virtually nothing. It requires only consistency, so that the helpful new neurons and connections in your brain become well established.

    A surprising benefit is that REBS pulls me into the present moment. Instead of brooding over past failures or fearing future uncertainties, I focus increasingly on a small step that carries me in my chosen direction.

    REBS has helped transform my life. I have a clearer head and feel more at peace, others often remark that I’m now much more fun to be with, and I’m better off in almost every way. Despite all my flaws and the frequent, inevitable setbacks of life, I’m constantly reminded that I’m okay.

    Simple science-based practices with outsize benefits appeal to me because I’m so busy. REBS is one of my favorites among the life-enriching practices I’ve tried and adopted. I love how the practice can be started straight away, and become a treasured, self-empowering part of life.

    Conclusion

    Whatever the setbacks or failures you’ve experienced, whatever unhelpful choices you’ve made, you’re still okay, you’re always worthy of respect and love.

    We all need a bit of understanding and mercy. REBS turns you into a more forgiving and encouraging friend to yourself. It lets the seeds of success be planted in the soil of defeat.

    It helps reduce the chaos of a challenging life to a helpful small step, accompanied by self-congratulation.

    You might want to start this five-second practice and make it a habit. You could start right away and experience the difference.

  • 6 Lessons to Remember When Someone Judges or Criticizes You

    6 Lessons to Remember When Someone Judges or Criticizes You

    “Every judgment, all of them, point back to a judgment we hold against ourselves.” ~Lynne Forrest

    I sat across from my good friend Anna over a cup of coffee. We had been having issues in our friendship and had finally gotten together to discuss them. I’m not a fan of conflict and call myself a “recovering people pleaser,” so I was very nervous.

    I noticed immediately that the conversation didn’t seem to be going very well. I addressed my issues concerning our friendship and tried hard to own my part. But Anna kept saying things like, “There are things that you do that really bother me as well, but I don’t say anything about saying them.”

    After hearing a variation of this phrase for a third time, I asked what she was talking about. She had never addressed any of these issues with me.

    She took a deep breath and said, “Angela, I don’t think your relationship with your higher power is very strong. Also, you know those Facebook posts you write about peace and mindfulness? I don’t see that reflected in your personality. One more thing: Your relationship with your mother seems poor, and I think that’s why you are emotionally needy.”

    I stared at her in absolute shock. I felt like I was punched in the face. The worst part is this girl was a very genuine person, so the fact that she saw these qualities in me broke my heart.

    My spirituality and my sense of peace are things I have been cultivating intensely since I was sixteen. Here I was sitting across from this girl, who’s supposedly my best friend, and she doesn’t even see these positive qualities in me. I was devastated.

    I walked out of that get-together saying I needed some time to be alone and process. I was deeply hurt.

    Before we met, I had envisioned us having a positive conversation, fixing our relationship, and spending the rest of the coffee date laughing. Instead, I left feeling like someone had ripped out my heart and like I was going to throw up.

    It’s been quite a process wrestling with this event, and I’ve had the opportunity to learn (and relearn) some amazing lessons.

    1. Someone’s criticisms and judgments aren’t the problem. Believing them is the problem.

    I’ve been criticized before, but these judgments particularly crushed me. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt exposed.

    I realized the reason I was having such a hard time with what she had said was because there’s a part of me that believes her judgments about me. For example, if she had told me I was mean, I would have shrugged it off, because I do not believe that about myself.

    On the other hand, I do have insecurities concerning my spirituality and sense of peace in the world. While I try to cultivate both of these aspects in my personal life, I’m not perfect. I struggle just like everyone else.

    Once I realized I was upset because I believed her accusations to be true, I could stop blaming her. I was in pain because I was torturing myself with these beliefs and blindly believing them.

    2. When someone shows us how we’re out of alignment with ourselves, we have an opportunity to change our beliefs.

    I’ve seen again and again that the world is a mirror. When we think a thought and believe it, the world will give us an example to prove that thought to be true. Anna showed me the part of me that believed these insecurities. She gave me the beautiful gift of questioning if I wanted to hold onto these beliefs. Remember, we do not have to believe our thoughts.

    I heard an example about thoughts once that has stuck with me. Thoughts are like cars zooming on a highway. The highway represents the mind. We get to decide which car we want to jump into. Do we want to jump into the car and believe the negative thought? Or do we want to take the positive route? (Highway pun intended.)

    So, I get to decide. Do I really want to hold onto the belief that I don’t have a strong spiritual relationship? That seems like a painful story to believe about me. Instead, I am choosing to reframe the belief. Instead of believing that my spiritual relationship is weak, I choose to believe that it’s a work in progress. It’s beautiful because it’s not perfect, but even still, I spend time cultivating it every day.

    3. It’s not our business how other people see us; it’s our business how we see ourselves.

    A lot of the time when we are feeling in emotional pain, we are not in our business. It’s not my business what other people think of me. My thoughts and assumptions of me are my responsibility, and that’s enough to keep me busy.

    Once I get clear on what’s actually my business, it’s amazing how many of my troubles simply vanish. It also gives me the opportunity and the time to change my thinking and take care of myself.

     4. Look for the truth in the criticism and leave behind the rest.

    Take this piece of advice with a grain of salt. If you can find what’s true about the negative things people tell you, it can be a great tool to strengthen your character. But it’s not an excuse for self-abuse.

    For example, some of the things Anna said, I don’t find to be true for me. But I do sense that sometimes I can be emotionally needy with my friends. This doesn’t mean I beat myself up about this character quality. I can reevaluate how I am sharing my emotions and with whom I’m sharing them, and see if I am becoming co-dependent with certain people in my life.

    I believe the depth of my emotions makes me beautiful, and sharing it with others has positively deepened many of my relationships. But it’s a good reminder for me to evaluate if I was sharing my emotions in a healthy way or if I was dumping them onto my friends to make me feel better.

    5. Find gratitude in every situation.

    I believe it’s important to find the gift in every event so we can grow. If we look deep enough, we can find the seed of gratitude in any situation. I realized after sitting with this experience for a week how thankful I was for my friend, for giving me the opportunity to see the painful beliefs I held about myself. Now I had the opportunity to clear them. What a blessing!

    I also realized how thankful I am to have a friend who will be honest with me and tell me what she believes to be true. This does not mean that I have to take her judgments on as my own, but her reflections of me are pertinent in my journey to releasing these painful beliefs.

    6. Always try your hardest to forgive people and yourself.

    Forgiveness is one of the most difficult but powerful processes. I believe forgiveness is twofold. Not only did I need to forgive her, I needed to forgive myself. While I realized it was a blessing that she said these things, letting go of my anger for “exposing me” was hard. I knew intellectually I needed to forgive her, but actually doing it was a different story.

    Once I realized I needed to forgive myself first, letting go of my anger became easier. I had to forgive myself for blindly believing these judgments about myself and not questioning if they were true. I had been holding myself hostage; she had just shown me that I was the one keeping myself behind bars.

    —

    Our relationship is not back to the way it was before we started having issues. While I hold a deep sense of respect and love for Anna, I realized at this point in my life that I didn’t want to be best friends with someone who saw me that way.

    This doesn’t mean I don’t love and respect her. I have a deep sense of gratitude for what she has shown me about myself, and I have hope that our relationship will be even greater one day, because it will be more honest.

    I still have to questions these judgments about myself, because after carrying them for so long, they don’t magically go away.

    Once I become secure about these qualities and come into a more loving relationship with myself, I will think about rekindling the friendship, but maybe not. Only time can tell. Till then, I will keep on forgiving myself, questioning these beliefs, and reframing them to come into a more loving relationship with myself.

    What has helped you respond well to criticism and judgment?

  • Dealing with “Haters”: How to Rise Above the Negative

    Dealing with “Haters”: How to Rise Above the Negative

    Angry Egg

    “The final proof of greatness lies in being about to endure criticism without resentment.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    A splash of tequila to the unsuspecting open eyes is a brutal way to learn that someone has a problem with you.

    My brother’s girlfriend was drunk at the time, and laughing so hard at the sting of my agony that she had a bathroom accident. I hadn’t provoked her in any way. It was just one of those things that make you wonder.

    Later I would come to find out how much she secretly detested my academic success.

    I didn’t understand it at first. I thought she loved me as if I were her younger sister. It eventually was revealed that she was one of those people who smiled to your face and talked badly about you to other people. Especially when you were in a place to shine.

    That was the first time I realized that no matter what I did, there would people in this world who would seethe on the inside, just because I was who I was.

    Does any of this sound familiar?

    So, you’ve managed to kick start the old social dynamics domino effect of your success. The people who love you will support you and sing your praises. They will defend you in the sight of defamation, be there to toast your victories, and wipe your tears during your defeats.

    And just when you really begin to shine, you hear it on the wind: someone has a problem with the way you look, the way you sing, dance, or flip veggie burgers. Maybe he or she even has a problem with the way you express yourself.

    Our society calls them “haters.” Labeling these individuals as one-dimensional blots of hatred isn’t really the answer. Many of them have problems and are lost and misguided.

    And some of them may even be good people who just happen to be succumbing to the twinge of the ego.

    Here is where some of you are probably thinking, “that’s not my problem.”

    My answer to this is simple. It will be your problem if you let it be. And for many years, I let it be my problem. The tequila thrower wasn’t the only instance, and I burdened myself with what I did to deserve such negative feedback.

    Why didn’t these people like me? What could I do to stop them from “hating” on me? It took me years of inner spiritual exploration to discover one important fact:

    If you zero in on the negativity of these people when they are in the throes of their negative spin, you will be anchoring yourself to their personal baggage and participating in their internal struggle.

    In essence, you will be making their problem, your problem.

    But to rise above the darkness is a little tough. Many times, it will seem that these people will do anything and everything to make you feel bad about yourself. In fact, you have to be a pretty secure person to be able to withstand any onslaught that is less than warm and fuzzy.

    So how does one move forward in the face of ugliness?

    For me it took a flip of perspective. I had to toughen up and see that people who throw tequila in your face when you’ve done nothing wrong are a part of our life’s transformative process.

    1. Negative people will make you grow.

    How many times have you cried yourself to sleep because of something one of these people said or did? How many times after did you pick yourself up and vow to get better, stronger, and less accessible to emotional pain by the hands of others? Whenever a “hater” becomes active in the energy of their negativity toward you, this becomes your time for growth.

    You may fall down crying again or get angry. But you will often find a way to get better and grow beyond their criticism just to make certain that there is no validity in their claims.

    2. They secretly want to be like you.

    Envy is a special kind of cruelty serum. When a person becomes envious of another, it is always because they have admired a beloved trait in that person. Unfortunately, when they turn their focus inward in hopes of replicating your desirable characteristic, they find lack in their own lives.

    It can be a pretty hard thing to want something that others have and believe that there is little chance that you can create this experience in your own reality. Instead of bringing out the best in themselves, they will often fixate on the object that reflects their inadequacies.

    3. They are your success indicators.

    If you’ve attracted the attention of people who take pleasure in criticizing your every move, chances are that you are a shining star and the world has started to take notice. People who have it in them to try to knock you off your high horse are telling you something on the soul level.

    What are they saying?

    “You are a trendsetter, a trailblazer, a person who leads and conquers. And since you’ve decided to make a name for yourself and step up with the big boys, I’m going to have to challenge your fortitude.”

    4. They are your teachers.

    Have you ever heard the expression that we pick our teachers? It is believed by many who thrive in awakened circles that we choose the people who will help us to grow the most in our lifetime.

    We live in a physical world of polarities. In the expression of our physical experience, there is no light without dark, no good without evil.

    The opposing forces in the world serve to give dimension, color, and context to our earthly experience. Under this perception, we can see that there can be no friend without the adversary. For what is a friend without the adversary to use as a comparative backdrop?

    And it is the adversary that will give us some of our greatest lessons in our lives.

    They will teach us to love ourselves, cause us to muster our strength and grow far beyond our perceived shortcomings. The truth is, these people come in all shapes and mentalities. We can talk about personal traits such as prejudice, ignorance, and natural born cruelty to name a few, that could be seen as the true causes of “hateration,” but all of this just falls into the category of the person’s inner darkness and lack of personal evolution.

    The fact is this: Either they will purge through their garbage and learn to bring light inside of themselves, or they will stay stuck in their internal war. Either way you’ve got to find a way to deal with them while keeping your own light protected.

    So how do we deal with the negativity? It’s all fun and games when we talk about it, but how do we actually begin to overcome when the negativity rears its head? It helps to start with this:

    1. Free yourself of judgment.

    Relinquish the desire to form an opinion about what these people are saying or doing. Attempt to see their actions as neither good nor bad, just background chatter of their internal struggle that has little to do with you and everything to do with them. Try not to take their criticisms personally.

    2. Lead with compassion.

    Understand that because of their negativity, they have a lot of internal work to do to become a whole person. See that they may potentially be in the midst of their own suffering, which is spawning their criticism. Realize that their negativity probably affects their relationships and their ability to transform and receive true inner wisdom.

    That’s gotta suck.

    3. Keep your eyes on the road.

    You’ve been put on the planet for an important reason. You’ve gotten as far as you have by focusing on what you need to do. Anyone who is threatened by your positive performance is indicating that you’re doing things right.

    Don’t look to the left. Don’t look to the right. Just stay grounded on your path and continue to surround yourself with people who build you up.

    4. Forgive.

    Forgive these people for raining on your parade and forgive yourself for forgetting your umbrella.

    It’s okay to emote and react sometimes. You’re human. Cut yourself some slack. And if you’re really grown up, try to cut them some slack as well. We were not all created with the same level of pain tolerance, emotional endurance, and maturity level.

    Now remember, these are just some guidelines that you may want to add to your toolbox. I have found that the most important thing to remember is that all of this is just part of the journey of discovering the self.

    Angry egg image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Ways to Deal With Criticism So It Doesn’t Get You Down

    4 Ways to Deal With Criticism So It Doesn’t Get You Down

    Sad Man

    “The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    Are you afraid of receiving criticism?

    Even if it’s minor or well-meaning, criticism can feel like a punch in the gut.

    And if you let it, criticism can leave you feeling down and resentful for days or weeks after.

    As the music director at my church, I occasionally receive negative feedback from members of the community.

    After services one Sunday, a congregant came up to offer some critique of my music selections. At first it felt like a full-on attack. I didn’t even have a chance to get up from the organ bench before she began.

    I wish I could say that I responded perfectly, but I didn’t. I immediately became defensive. My breath shortened. I interrupted her before she could complete her thoughts. But at some point in the midst of the barrage, I regained my composure and listened.

    It was hard and painful to just listen without being defensive. On reflection, I realized that my pain had little to do with her criticism. It came from my own fear of being judged. Once I became aware of this, it was much easier for me to recover emotionally and move on.

    If you struggle with the fear of being criticized, here are some things to keep in mind:

    1. Criticism will not kill you.

    The mere possibility of being criticized can fill you with dread.

    When I was being criticized, my fight or flight response was automatically triggered. Though I was in no real physical danger, my mind started to immediately generate thoughts such as: “What if she starts a campaign to get me fired?” and “How will I find work to support my family?”

    In hindsight, it’s easy to see that the leap from criticism to catastrophe was a gross distortion of reality. But in the moment, the thoughts can feel very real.

    Over time I’ve learned to regain control of my thoughts by asking questions, such as: “Are my disastrous scenarios likely to happen?” or “Will this kill me?” I’ve found the answer is often no.

    Criticism can hurt, but it cannot maim or kill. If you struggle with the fear of criticism, know that you too have the resources to get through it and move on.

    2. Giving criticism can be as hard as receiving it.

    It’s hard for people to say what’s truly on their minds. Most would prefer speak ill of you behind your back or let resentment build rather than risk conflict.

    As I struggled to hear the woman’s criticism, I noticed that she was visibly shaking. It dawned on me that this person, rather than simply grumbling to other parishioners or the pastor, had summoned the courage to speak directly to me.

    In that moment, I was able to empathize with her. This profoundly changed my experience of being criticized. My attitude shifted from that of fear to compassion, even gratitude. I no longer perceived her as a threat and my own fears were calmed.

    If you’re facing criticism, try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view.

    3. Not all criticism is created equal.

    Think of the last time you were criticized. Did you find yourself overanalyzing everything the person said?

    In the struggle to articulate their feelings, people often say useless or hurtful things. Somewhere in there is the main concern they are trying to communicate. It’s tempting to let negative comments, often arising out of frustration, get the best of us.

    In my own situation, I chose to address the genuine concern and discard the rest.

    You too can challenge your own tendency to focus on the negative by asking yourself: “What’s is the focus of their complaint?” If the purpose of the criticism is simply to antagonize, give yourself permission to discard it all.

    4. Criticism can fuel your personal growth.

    When we’re in defensive mode, it’s practically impossible to be self-reflective. But once the defenses drop, allow this question to come to the surface:

    Is there any truth to the criticism?

    Entertaining this question will be the starting point of your personal growth.

    Once I’d processed the valid concerns of the criticism, I began taking practical steps to incorporate the feedback into my work and attitude. I also began to process my own fears and general defensiveness. Finally, I worked to drop my resentment toward the person who criticized me.

    How can you effectively incorporate useful criticism into your life? Focus on using the criticism to improve yourself rather than please or appease the person. This will help you let go any lingering resentment toward them.

    Kick Your Fear of Criticism to the Curb

    As long as you are breathing, leading, or doing something that matters, you will be criticized.

    Don’t let your deep, dark fears of being criticized hold you back.

    Instead of trying to avoid it at all costs, expect it—even welcome it.

    You’ll learn to conquer your fears and increase your confidence.

    So next time you’re staring criticism in the face, take a deep breath, smile, and say to yourself, “Let’s do this.”

    Sad man image via Shutterstock

  • Create a Kinder Mind: How to Stop Your Mean, Hurtful Self-Talk

    Create a Kinder Mind: How to Stop Your Mean, Hurtful Self-Talk

    Two Kinds of Brains

    “You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens!” ~Louise Hay

    In my quest to learn to love myself I did therapy, read plenty of self-help books, and took personal development courses, hoping I could learn to love myself like I could learn accounting.

    This was all helpful; however, when I reached the self-talk stage my progress came to a standstill.

    Before then, I hadn’t consciously realized that I used powerfully negative words when speaking to or about myself. I was the first to put myself down, the first to criticize and chastise myself, and my own harshest critic.

    While this helped me push through some physical and mental barriers and, therefore, achieve things that I never thought possible—such as completing an Ironman triathlon and running ultramarathons—these moments were the exception, not the rule.

    I hid behind the excuse that it motivated me in order to justify being mean to myself, perpetuating the cycle. My so-called valid reasons were holding me back from changing my life and loving myself so that I could be happier and more fulfilled.

    I recognized that I spoke so terribly to and about myself because I suffered from incredibly low self-esteem.

    I was trying to measure up to my own high, unrealistic standards of who I thought I needed to be in order to be loved, approved, and accepted. But these destructive and critical habits were actually in conflict with what I really needed, as they didn’t allow me to give myself love.

    I needed to change the way I spoke about myself, and I needed to do it quickly!

    I realized I’d formed these habits as a result of both conscious and unconscious decisions I’d made in the past. And if my thoughts about myself came from decisions I had made in the past, I had the same power today to make different decisions to shape the person that I would be in the future.

    These are some of the tricks and tools that I’ve used to overcome my self-esteem issues and begin speaking to myself more kindly:

    1. Journaling.

    Before I began changing my self-talk, I had used my diary to vent what I was feeling. It was painful to read what I had written. Among the negative thoughts and feelings were momentous and joyous events, but the painful memories and thoughts overshadowed them.

    When I purchased a new journal I decided to focus instead on what I did or said for and about myself that demonstrated love and kindness.

    So for instance, if I felt fat and was beating myself up about my thighs being too big, I would write that I was grateful that my big thighs were strong enough to help me run marathons.

    You too will find that after a few days of consistently doing this you will be able to catch mean thoughts before they spiral into something bigger.

    2. Eliminating the words should/must do/have to.

    I have stopped using these words and replaced them with kinder words such as “I choose to,” as I found that “should,” “must do,” and “have to” were causing me to feel unnecessary guilt.

    As an example, when I set my alarm clock at night instead of saying that “I should wake up early and exercise,” I now say to myself, “I choose to wake up early and exercise.”

    Stop ‘shoulding’ all over yourself and you too will feel much better about yourself.

    3. Smiling.

    In my most recent marathon, instead of beating myself up for not being faster, I started the race with the intention of smiling for as much of as it as I could. It was the best thing that I could have done.

    It made me feel good, and the spectators noticed it and cheered me on, which in turn filled me with more positive energy.

    Try smiling now and see how much better you feel. Imagine yourself doing this all the time when crossing the road or even when answering the phone. You will find that a little smile becomes a big smile in no time.

    4. Saying yes to yourself and no to others.

    I have learned to say yes to myself, which sometimes means saying no to others.

    I now examine my motives for saying yes to someone else. If it is to be loved and/or accepted, it will likely create disappointment when I don’t get what I expect in return.

    Imagine if we all said yes to others only when we really felt it in our hearts. There would be no resentment, and when we do things for others it would be done with joy, creating more positive feelings about ourselves.

    5. Accepting that we don’t all have to like each other.

    I have started to also worry less about what others think of me and my decisions, so long as I am comfortable with my choices, and they come from a place of integrity and honesty.

    This has helped me with my self-talk, as I no longer tell myself that I am a bad person if someone doesn’t like me.

    Just as we don’t like everyone else, everyone won’t like us, and that’s okay. You might be surprised how liberating it feels when you are okay with not being liked by everyone else.

    6. Asking, “How does this decision make me feel about me?”

    I measure every choice against how it makes me feel about myself. I ask myself, “Does this make me feel good about myself? If not, what needs to happen for me to feel good about me?”

    For instance, before I accept an invitation to see ‘an old friend,’ I now stop and ask myself, “Would spending time with this person make me feel good about myself?” If the answer is no, then I make a decision to spend my time with someone else whose presence empowers me.

    Ask yourself this question and you too will make more choices that build you up instead of tear you down.

    7. Setting achievable goals and celebrating progress.

    I now set achievable goals and celebrate them. I also don’t beat myself up anymore if I don’t achieve them, or don’t achieve them in the way I had hoped to.

    You can celebrate your small accomplishments by going to dinner with friends or buying yourself a small gift as a reward. Whatever it is, make sure that you are present in the moment when you celebrate, as this will reinforce that you are a wonderful person and you deserve credit for all the good you do.

    8. Walking away.

    I have also learned to walk away from people who don’t treat me with respect. It’s not an easy thing to do; however, if I allow others to be disrespectful toward me, then I perpetuate the cycle and I am also giving myself permission to do the same to me.

    You too deserve to be treated with love and kindness—both by yourself and others.

    How does your self-talk reflect the way you feel about yourself? Could you be kinder and more loving to yourself?

    Two brains image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Letting Other People’s Opinions Guide Your Life

    How to Stop Letting Other People’s Opinions Guide Your Life

    “What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer

    Do you feel it too?

    That discomfort rising inside when someone imparts their clever wit on you. Not just any kind of wisdom, but the one that makes you feel small, in a here-you-go, punch-to-the-stomach kind of way.

    A covert little criticism implying that you might not be doing something right or may have the wrong ideas.

    Your first reaction is disbelief. Followed by denial. How can they be so rude to come out with such a comment? Why can’t they be more tactful or careful with their words?

    Then your anger takes over, and you shout from the top of your voice, “Did I even ask for your opinion?”

    Unfortunately, what seemed like shouting was just a thought. That witty retort you wanted to scream at them? Never left your lips.

    You only disagreed with them in your mind.

    And worst of all? After you leave the scene and mull the incident repeatedly, you begin to think they might be right. And that’s a tragedy.

    Because, ultimately, you can wind up feeling that what you know and who you are don’t matter.

    Thinking this way for too long leads to low self-esteem and a loss of confidence in your abilities.

    But it doesn’t have to stay that way forever.

    Inject Self-Trust

    I used to believe that other people’s bad opinions of me didn’t affect me, so I was shocked to discover they literally paralyzed me and stymied my progress.

    I clearly remember when a girl at school remarked, “Stop behaving so spoiled.” This is one of the earliest memories I have of being accused of something not even based on reality, but I actually believed that what she said was right.

    I spent years trying not to appear “spoiled,” without knowing or pausing to contemplate what it really meant. This applied to all the other “wrong” behaviors I stopped doing in hopes that I’d then be more acceptable to the world.

    But that never happened. I could not achieve a state where I pleased every person. I continued picking up subtle signs from others, telling me where I went wrong, or what needed correcting.

    This led to putting up with a lot of intimidation at work from peers, in my adult life. Not only was I too shy to strike back, I faced humiliation in front of the group when a boss called me a geek once. As if that was the worst sin in the world.

    Furthermore, I became a “psychic” over time. Others’ nagging voices had become my own, to the point I was second-guessing what people might have been thinking of me.

    The situation changed when I recognized I was living within the bounds of my limiting thoughts, including those that were formed from others’ limited opinions.

    What I needed to escape this loop was a good old dose of self-trust.

    Because other people don’t live your life, you can only live it for yourself. And for that, you must stop listening to others’ inflated belief systems.

    Immunize Against Opinions

    The following ideas will help you shed chilling spells of self-doubt and embrace the loving warmth of self-assurance: 

    Unravel the ball.

    Like a wool of yarn, the kind of reactions you learn and display to each situation you encounter get layered and imprinted in your mind over the years. Try and look beyond the obvious issues (top layers) to get to the root (core) of it.

    I spent years trying to behave “appropriately” so that other people would accept me, because underneath I felt like my true self was unworthy and underserving. Once I unravelled this ball I realized that I was just as worthy and deserving as anyone else, and I could start being myself—my true self. 

    Fire the culprits.

    The people who impact us at an early age can leave deep, lasting impressions on a young mind. What messages did they leave you with? By careful introspection, you can now examine the validity of such judgment. Is it wise to still carry their opinions, or can you now move on? Give yourself permission to kick them out of your life.

    That girl who told me I was spoiled? I was able to shake her opinions by seeing the absurdity of the moment. I finally understood that at that age, she barely knew herself, and she might not have known the consequences of her talk. 

    Find your “double.”

    With seven billion people inhabiting Earth right now, with all different personalities and opinions, you won’t have to look far to find those who agree with you. Seek out your own kind for mutual support and growth.

    Being around people who share your visions and goals is tremendously more helpful than trying to change those who have the opposite agenda of yours. It’s no coincidence hobbies were invented—regardless of what you’re into, a local group has already sprung up near you to bring together passionate and kindred spirits.

    Know thyself.

    Find what you’re good at by clarifying your personal strengths.

    Too many of us fall into the trap of making wrong career choices based on others’ opinions. Maybe you were particularly drawn to creative work but decided to become an accountant because your parents thought that was more sensible. Furthermore, you ended up focusing on improving weaknesses, which can never measure up to the power of just working with your strengths.

    If you live up to who you naturally are daily, you’ll be one of the few who follows an authentic life. By flowing with your strengths, you gain greater work satisfaction and become invincible in your character.

    Reset your reality.

    Thoughts are curious creatures. Have you ever stopped to ponder what they are, where they come from, and what they do to you? Find truth each day by doing ten minutes of thought-stopping meditation, and recognize just how much your thoughts are influenced by people outside yourself.

    What do you believe as a result of your mother’s negative views, or the heavily biased statements you read in the newspaper? Thoughts become disturbing when you take them too seriously. With a little meditation every day, you can widen the distance between your sanity and them. 

    Blinker yourself.

    Other people’s negative opinions are likely reflecting their own limiting beliefs about life. Develop the skill to recognize and ignore these. You don’t have to disagree with them on the spot if it doesn’t feel comfortable just yet. But put the mental blinkers on, and try visualizing how you’d go about creating a different outcome next time.

    Get out of your body.

    Zoom out of yourself to place a particular opinion in perspective. Keep going upward until it’s nothing more than a speck of sand. These opinions look quite different from 100 miles above.

    Or imagine looking back from ten years time. This incident will fade into shameful insignificance. As if it never happened. Think about this as you’re weighing up a certain opinion’s merit.

    Blow it up.

    When someone says something negative or belittling to you, exaggerate it as much as you can in your mind, to the point that it becomes funny. Comedy has an incredible power on the brain, releasing feel-good chemicals and allowing you to let go.

    Blow up the person who’s saying it into a large balloon, and send them out into the stratosphere. And release a huge belly laugh with it! The bigger, the more powerful.

    Share it out.

    Bring the troubling thought out in the open by telling a close friend about how you feel. As soon as you’ve done that, you start to see the triviality of the situation. Keeping it to yourself can be a bad idea if it festers and eats into you. “Trouble shared is trouble halved.”

    Be vulnerable enough to tell someone if a silly remark bothers you. It does more harm staying inside. So let the critter out, and disperse it into tiny particles.

    Go Your Own Way

    Don’t get sucked into some clever clog’s reckless opinion, no matter how convincing it might sound.

    You could spend your whole life trying to meet other people’s standards. But that’s not a strategy for a fulfilling life.

    Now is the time to start honoring your authentic values.

    Get to know yourself. Hang out with your own kind. Put others’ opinions in perspective. Only then will you be free to live your life, your way.

  • How to Transform Self-Criticism into Self-Appreciation

    How to Transform Self-Criticism into Self-Appreciation

    Sad Woman Reflection

    “Stop hating yourself for everything you aren’t. Start loving yourself for everything that you are.” ~Unknown

    They stop you dead in your tracks.

    Critical thoughts.

    Like tiny knives, they slash at your happiness.

    In public, you feign confidence. You can easily squish down your critical thoughts. You push yourself to smile, laugh, and even be the life of the party.

    But when the dust settles, and you are all alone, the thoughts start, first as a trickle: “I shouldn’t have said that. Why couldn’t I say smarter things?” And then they start to crash harder and stronger with, “I am so stupid. I can’t believe at this age I’m not more confident.”

    Do you sometimes feel like you’re drowning in a sea of similar critical thoughts?

    I know how embarrassing and terrible that feels.

    When I teach yoga, I try to help people—to open their bodies, notice their thoughts, and release their limitations. Yet, at times I drown in self-criticism and feel like a fraud.

    Sure, you see my serene face, but a storm of critical thoughts often brews behind my smile. I feel like an imposter because I’m not as serene as I appear.

    Recently, something completely changed my perspective: scientists discovered that the more people try to avoid certain thoughts, the stronger these thoughts become.

    College students were told to think of everything except white bears, and guess what they couldn’t stop thinking of? It’s called ironic rebound. When you try to push thoughts out, they come back even stronger.

    This idea infuses most mindfulness practices. It’s different from telling yourself, “Think positive.” Because if you stamp down the critical thoughts, they only come back stronger. I tested this theory in my contemplative practices.

    When I relinquished rigid control of my inner experiences, I learned to slow down the critical thoughts.

    Where I once felt frustration for my negativity, I now accept my thoughts, challenge faulty beliefs, and make peace with myself. And the more I feel the critical thoughts, the more I can release them. I’ve noticed that the thoughts come less frequently when I don’t try to suppress them.

    You and I both probably accept that criticism, especially toward ourselves, is destructive. So we try to suppress self-criticism. But when we try to avoid a thought, it’s never far away.

    By suppressing, we empower our faulty beliefs. By looking deeply and challenging the belief behind the thought, we finally get relief. 

    Ready to find out how?

    1. Observe your thoughts with curiosity.

    Imagine yourself sitting on a riverbank, watching your thoughts flow by with the stream. Sometimes fast and rushing, other times calm and gentle.

    Resist the urge to push critical or negative thoughts away; learn to welcome and observe all thoughts. This might feel unnatural or even painful at first. I understand. But remember that this is a process that will lead you toward a place of self-understanding and love.

    When thoughts resurface repeatedly, we subconsciously assume they’re true. Scientists call this a hard-wired cognitive bias in the human brain.

    When l catch myself thinking, “You are too quiet and shy and not animated or interesting,” I resist my urge to deny and suppress; instead, I observe and allow the thought into my body.

    2. Identify the underlying belief.

    Now you can dig a little deeper. What belief lies behind your thoughts?

    If you’ve spent a lifetime trying to push critical thoughts away, you may have unconsciously turned them into self-limiting beliefs.  I’d often think, “I’m too shy. Why couldn’t I have said more? Do people think I’m stupid?”

    I believed that because I was shy, I was inferior and somehow deeply flawed. When I used my breath to be in my body, I felt empowered to be in the present. I allowed myself to feel the pain of feeling inferior.

    You’ve observed the thought, so now can you identify the belief that causes the thought? Beliefs are about how you are as a person as opposed to transient thoughts about your actions.

    If this is scary, use your breath to come back to your body and the present moment. Know that you are okay.

    3. Feel the belief in your body.

    Can you identify where the belief is planted in your body? Accept that you cannot control your mind’s content—but you are learning to change your reactions. And take back your power. When you physically identify sensations the belief triggers, you return to the present moment. And you take the power away from the self-criticism.

    You can heal because you’re no longer a victim of your thoughts or deeply rooted beliefs.

    Because feeling is not the same as believing.

    What happens to your breath when you allow the belief to come into your body? Where do you feel it? Maybe in your heart or your belly button?

    When I allowed a belief into my body, a deep pull manifested around my solar plexus, just under my rib cage. It was definitely painful but less scary. And through feeling and clearly looking at the belief, I became empowered to challenge it.

    4. Challenge and dissolve the belief.

    Now that you’ve observed your thoughts and pinpointed the belief, can you challenge it? Negative beliefs about ourselves are simply not true, and they cause the flow of critical thoughts.

    You and I need to release them so we can find inner peace. As scary as it feels, verbalize the belief. Because you must face the untruths head-on to let them go.

    Ask yourself a few questions to unearth the belief. How else could you interpret this belief? Can you see any evidence that this belief is true? What would support that this belief isn’t true? Remember that other people’s words are not necessarily truths—especially judgments and criticisms.

    Now it’s time to let the belief go. Inhale deeply, and feel your lungs fill with air. Exhale completely, and feel your body relaxing. Imagine the critical belief dissolving like a cloud.

    With each breath, you’re releasing your clouds of criticism. Feel the beliefs slowly leaving your body as your exhale and relax. Remind yourself that this belief isn’t true, and you’re letting it go. Continue to breathe until your belief and the pain goes away.

    I challenged the belief behind the thought: “Because you’re shy and not always talkative (thought), you’re inferior and flawed (belief).”

    I compared myself to other charming and talkative people, and I believed that I had to be just like them. I realized that I had family, friends, and students who loved and appreciated that I was authentic.

    When I used my breath, the knot at my ribs dissolved a little bit with each breath, and so did my belief that I was flawed.  I’m empowered to release that belief. And I’m left with profound clarity: the clouds have disappeared.

    5. Uncover your new truth.

    When you clear away your clouds of self-criticism and faulty beliefs, a sunny truth can shine. You’ll learn to appreciate your unique strengths and attributes.

    What surfaces now that you’ve let go of the mistaken beliefs? Perhaps once you felt deeply inadequate, but now you realize you are humble and eager to learn. Don’t be afraid of letting your positive traits out into the world. You won’t become an egomaniac by simply accepting yourself.

    I now see that my shyness has benefits: I’m an intuitive listener, compassionate yoga teacher, and empathetic nutritionist. As I continue to breathe, I feel better about who I am. And I accept my unique way of being.

    You can do this too.

    Become Your Most Powerful Ally

    Over time, you’ll get more comfortable allowing those scary criticisms to surface. Like vampires that fear the sun, when you bring them out into the light, you take away their power. And they’ll slowly dissolve.

    You’ll feel happier because you aren’t hiding your most valuable traits behind critical thoughts.

    And rather than being a prisoner of your negative beliefs, you’re using them to fuel your transformation.

    Let your inner light glow. Brighten the world.

    Because only light can drive away darkness.

    And you’re ready to start now.

    Shall we?

    Sad woman with reflection image via Shutterstock

  • Why You May Feel Crushed by Criticism (And What to Do About It)

    Why You May Feel Crushed by Criticism (And What to Do About It)

    “If you keep your feathers well oiled the water of criticism will run off as from a duck’s back.” ~Ellen Swallow Richards

    We all seek love, approval, and appreciation, don’t we? We sometimes obsess over what people think of us. When we receive feedback that seems less than favorable, we speculate for days about what it might mean.

    Usually we attach the wrong meaning to it, and this drains our energy and might even cause us to withdraw and quit what we are doing.

    Is there a way to avoid this? How can we keep our feathers well oiled?

    Here is what happened to me and what I learned from it.

    I was working in HR in a big institution with more than 7,000 employees and hundreds of different departments. I was asked by my hierarchy to coordinate with several departments to accommodate the varied needs of colleagues with disabilities, as it required special workplace adaptation and much more.

    With more than ten different departments involved in the project, there was a clear need for coordination, but not a clear mandate in my job description. But it didn’t seem to be a problem, and the departments involved were happy that somebody took the role.

    Until one evening, after work, I opened my inbox and there it was, an email from a colleague, sent out to the entire mailing list of colleagues and departments involved in the project.

    It was the head of one of the departments telling me that with the coordination work I’d done, I’d cause problems for him (without providing further specification). He instructed me to stop, and in an ironic tone he wrote that my talents and help would surely be better used in other projects.

    I responded immediately, “Sorry. Okay, then I will not do the coordination.” I felt crushed, small, and incredibly hurt.

    But was it really the criticism that stopped me?

    Probably not, since there were three other supportive emails sent out to the entire list, from people working on the project, who happened to be high in the hierarchy.

    When I looked inside myself, some months after the incident happened, I discovered that it wasn’t the criticism but my own interpretation of it that stopped me.

    The criticism was feeding my own limiting beliefs.

    How often do we receive criticism and it doesn’t touch us, sometimes we don’t even notice it? When there are no self-beliefs for the insult to hook into, it rolls off like a raindrop on our raincoat. But when deep down we hold limiting beliefs, the criticism arouses them.

    “Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

    If we do something we will be criticized, and we cannot do anything about it.

    Thinking “he shouldn’t criticize me” will stop the other person. It is hopeless. All it does is it harms us.

    Instead of blaming the one who is criticizing us, it is better to focus on the one person we do have control over: ourselves.

    Look inside, discover the beliefs that caused the criticism to stick, and begin to undo them. So the next time when we receive similar criticism it rolls right off, like the raindrop on our raincoat.

    Not sure how to discover your own limiting beliefs? Here’s how:

    Finish the following statement: “Someone has criticized me, and that means…”

    What came up for me was: “I am inadequate; I do not fit in; I am not fit for the institutional power games.”

    I was quite surprised to be confronted with these limiting beliefs.

    What is it for you? What beliefs did you discover?

    The next step is to question those thoughts with the help of The Work by Byron Katie. It consists of four questions and turnarounds, which are the opposite of the initial thought.

    1. Is it true?
    2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
    3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
    4. Who would you be without the thought?

    Let’s question the thought “I am inadequate.”

    It is important to do this inquiry having a concrete situation in mind. So my situation is: I’m reading the email, which states that I caused problems and it would be better for me to use my talents and help in other projects.

    If you like you can question the belief about yourself that you just discovered. Answer these questions along with me, keeping in mind your situation.

    1. I am inadequate. Is it true?

    Yes.

    2. Can I absolutely know that it is true?

    No.

    Just notice how it feels to express an honest “yes” or a “no” as an answer to these two questions. There are no right or wrong answers here; it’s about discovering what is true for us. And just notice how your mind wanders: “Yes, because…“ or “No, but…“

    3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

    There I am reading the email that states that I caused problems and I would better use my talents and help in other projects. How do I react, what happens when I believe the thought that I am inadequate?

    I make myself small. I hit reply and I answer, “Sorry. Okay, then I will not do the coordination.” I feel crushed and incredibly hurt. I am afraid what others who read that email will say. I picture a catastrophe.

    4. Who would you be without the thought?

    Who would I be without the thought that I am inadequate? What would I do, feel, or say if I could not think the thought that I am inadequate?

    I would be curious what makes my colleague think that I am causing his problems. I would ask him to meet me so that I could understand. I would entertain the possibility that there was just a misunderstanding. I would not disregard the supportive emails I received from others. In fact, I would give much more credit to them. I would be much calmer. I would be genuinely curious about what went wrong without blaming myself.

    The turnaround would be: I am very capable at my job.

    The turnaround opens us up to the possibility that the opposite of our thought feels as true or even truer than the initial one. Examples to the turnaround statement broaden our vision and help us see reality in its complexity.

    So how can that it be true that I am very capable at my job?

    – The three supportive emails I received from colleagues confirm that I am very capable at my job.

    – My work has always been appreciated in the previous years.

    So what was the problem in the first place? The criticism, or my deeply rooted belief that I am inadequate?

    It was the belief, wasn’t it?

    “If you keep your feathers well oiled the water of criticism will run off as from a duck’s back.” ~Ellen Swallow Richards

    The next time you feel hurt by criticism, look for the underlying limiting belief and question it with the help of The Work. This is how we keep our feathers well oiled.

    One day you might even find yourself grateful for criticism and the opportunity it presents to look inside, and better yourself.

    Crushed by criticism image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Beating Yourself Up: 40 Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic

    Stop Beating Yourself Up: 40 Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    If you’re anything like I used to be, your inner critic packs a powerful punch.

    You’ve got a vicious voice bad mouthing you for much of the day. And when it’s in one of those moods, wow, are you going to suffer.

    It’s no wonder you feel small, disappointed, and ashamed of who you are.

    It’s the reason you lie in bed at night feeling like a failure, convinced you’re a nobody, certain you’re a serial mistake maker.

    It was exactly why I used to just lie in the dark, a lot. Most days in fact. Not sleeping, not even thinking, just lying.

    I was forever longing for my life to go away. I’d gotten so good at beating myself up that each day seemed to present more opportunities to fail, to feel insignificant and never good enough.

    Alone in the dark, I could pretend that all my problems disappeared and that I was free of the stress. I could make-believe that the pressure had evaporated.

    You see, I’d taken on one of those jobs, one of those supposed leaps up the career ladder. But hell, being the head of a college department turned out to be a bad life choice … given my oh-so critical inner voice.

    Every day added to my imagined portfolio of failures. Every day blew another hole in my smokescreen of having any confidence in my ability. And every day, I became more fearful of being exposed as the ‘fake’ I believed I was.

    I felt like I was constantly aching yet feeling numb at the same time, which became too painful to bear. I dragged my shameful self into the college and quit. I left my entire library of books on the table along with my resignation.

    Four years on, even though I’d tried to move on, even changing countries, I still felt the same. No more confident and no less self-critical.

    That’s when I learned that even if I hadn’t packed any belongings, I still took a devastating amount of baggage with me. Even worse, I’d allowed my inner critic to ride passenger.

    That voice—that mean, vicious, ever-present voice—had to go if life was going to be worth living.

    Consciously and patiently, I set out to understand why this self-critical person had become such a huge part of me. I learned how to recognize and counter the habitual negative messages and destructive behavior patterns. I learned how to beat my inner critic, for the most part.

    And now it’s your turn.

    Because it’s time you felt free from the pain of constant self-criticism as well. It’s time you finally stopped beating yourself up over everything you say or do. And it’s time you were able to breathe, smile, and be pleased with yourself, just as you are.

    How? With one simple, small action at a time.

    Some of these ideas will speak to you; some will shout. Others will only mumble. Try a handful that grab your imagination. Add in others from the list over time as you learn to build them into an inner-critic-beating habit.

    1. Keep a self-praise journal.

    Pocket-size is best. Each time you feel pleased by something you’ve done or said, jot it down. Flip through the pages every time you feel your critical voice starting to pipe up.

    2. Write a positive self-message.

    Use a permanent marker and inscribe it on the inside of your shoes.

    3. Diminish your inner critic’s power.

    Repeat a negative thought back in a silly voice.

    4. Update your Facebook status:

    “Happy to be me. Work in progress.”

    5. Send yourself a loving text.

    Keep it, and re-read it often. Appreciate yourself.

    6. Add a positive self-message to an image.

    Put it on your phone and laptop.

    7. Draw a caricature.

    Give your inner critic a silly feature that makes you laugh. Stick it on your fridge.

    8. Make a face or blow a raspberry.

    At your inner critic, not yourself!

    9. Visualize your inner critic.

    Imagine it as an evil gremlin squatting on your shoulder. Each time it speaks up, turn and flick it away.

    10. Look in the mirror.

    Smile and compliment yourself on one quality or trait you like.

    11. Keep a list of self-forgiveness quotes.

    Or sign up to receive daily emails from Tiny Buddha.

    12. Write a list of qualities others like about you.

    Keep it in your purse or wallet.

    13. Write a list of qualities you like about yourself.

    Add it to your purse or wallet as well.

    14. Remind yourself: 

    “No one can do everything, but everyone can do something.” ~Unknown.

    15. End each negative thought with a positive.

    For example, “But I’m human and I can learn not to make the same mistake,” or, “But I have the power to change this.”

    16. Jot down one thing you’d like to be better at.

    Then take one tiny step toward that.

    17. Remember “not good enough” doesn’t exist.

    “I don’t know a perfect person, I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.” ~John Green

    18. Ask yourself why you think you should be good at everything. 

    We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Concentrate on your strengths.

    19. Find one thing each day to reward yourself for.

    Make it something you truly look forward to.

    20. Apologize to yourself.

    Do this every time you recognize self-criticism (tell yourself you’re sorry out loud if you can).

    21. Ring someone you haven’t spoken to in ages.

    Tell them how much they mean to you. The best way to feel better about yourself is to make someone else feel better.

    22. Remember that self-hate is not an option.

    You’re the only person you can guarantee you’ll be in a relationship with from birth to death, so learn to love yourself.

    23. Remember there’s no shame in messing up.

    You’re trying to do something, grow, and contribute.

    24. Break the cycle.

    Admit you made a mistake and ask, “Now what can I do about it?”

    25. Look at a mistake or “failure” in context.

    Will it really matter in a week, a year, or ten years from now?

    26. Recognize that you make fewer mistakes than you think.

    You just criticize yourself repeatedly for the same few.

    27. Drown out your inner critic.

    Put on your favorite feel-good music.

    28. Stop trying to do too much.

    Strike one task from your to-do list that won’t stop Earth from revolving if it isn’t done.

    29. Reflect on how you’re only on this planet for a short time.

    You can either spend it beating yourself up and being miserable or learn to love yourself and be happy.

    30. Stop focusing on the one thing you got wrong.

    Focus on the many things you got right.

    31. Recognize the good you do for others.

    The more you beat yourself up, the less good you do.

    32. Keep a daily, written tally of positive self-messages.

    Increase this by at least one each day.

    33. Physically pat yourself on the back.

    Do this for everything you’ve done well this week.

    34. Look at a satellite image of the earth.

    Realize that you are an important part of this amazing creation.

    35. Realize that over six billion people in the world don’t care.

    Only you care that you made a mistake.

    36. Think of a fun, positive adjective.

    Adopt this as your middle name so that every time you criticize yourself by name, you’ve described yourself in a positive way.

    37. Buy a houseplant.

    When you tend it remind yourself you need this much love and attention.

    38. Note down kind words from others.

    Write them on slips of paper and keep them in a compliment jar. Dip into this whenever you need to counter a negative self-message.

    39. Halt a negative self-thought.

    Use an act of self-care. For example apply hand cream, or give yourself a neck rub.

    40. Stop comparing yourself to others.

    Remember Dr. Seuss: “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You!”

    Stop Beating Yourself Up Once and for All

    Beating yourself up leaves you feeling horrible.

    All that constant self-criticism is exhausting. It leaves you aching inside.

    Small, simple actions can bring great leaps in breaking this negative cycle—for good.

    Let these ideas speak to you. Pick the ones that shout loudest.

    Defeat self-depreciating thoughts you’ve heard over and over with conscious, positive acts of self-compassion.

    Stop letting your inner critic overpower you. Fight back with self-love.

  • 6 Ways to Deal with Critical, Judgmental People

    6 Ways to Deal with Critical, Judgmental People

    Finger Art Couple Fighting

    “When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.” ~Unknown

    We all have people in our lives who unintentionally hurt us. Their words may sound harsh. We may feel judged. And they may question our choices so much that we feel emotionally unsafe around them.

    People can make comments about our career choice, living situation, life partner (or lack of), child-rearing decisions, and hobbies—and often when we didn’t ask for their opinion or advice.

    Oftentimes, the healthiest choice is to stay away from these people. But sometimes we have to pay a hefty price for this choice, and it’s worth exploring other options.

    For example, if some of these people happen to be relatives, or someone is your childhood best friend’s spouse or your daughter’s best friend’s mom, staying away may bring other challenges.

    And even when we can avoid them completely, it can be valuable to have such people in our lives, as they empower us to learn and grow.

    Note: I said we could invite them to be a part of our lives, not consume our lives! There is a big difference between the two.

    A few years back, a friend’s words began to hurt me and brought tears to my eyes, lots of tears.

    I knew her intentions were good, yet her comments on my choice of work, living situation, and vacations, and her constant unsolicited advice, left me feeling sad and angry.

    I opened up my heart and ultimately felt judged and vulnerable.

    I could have just let the friendship die, but that wasn’t an authentic manifestation of my values.

    A part of me wanted to tell her exactly how I felt, but I didn’t have the courage to face the consequences if she didn’t understand where I was coming from, and that I really wanted to save the relationship.

    I was sharing this with my mom, and in my pain I asked her why someone who cared about me would say the things my friend had said.

    She said something that stuck. “What if you look at your relationship with her as an opportunity to grow? What if you focused on what you could do and change instead of complaining about her? What if she were a friend not to hold, nurture, and support you, but to help you get a tiny bit closer to your own truth along with some pain and discomfort?”

    This was simple, yet deep and profound.

    Over the last few years I have become a little more skilled and have more peace and joy around this relationship.

    Here’s my list of the wonderful gems that have emerged, and my enhanced toolkit on dealing with difficult relationships.

    1. Acknowledge the pain.

    I have learned to acknowledge the discomfort with harsh words. This doesn’t mean wallowing in the pain or crying endlessly, but simply practicing awareness and noticing my own sensations and feelings as they arise, without getting overly attached to them or pushing them aside.

    I have learned that resistance creates more suffering, and accepting our own discomfort is the first step to lasting peace.

    2. Embrace your own fears and insecurities.

    Difficult interactions give us an opportunity to embrace our own fears and insecurities. When we feel hurt about something, it’s often because it triggers some unresolved emotion within ourselves.

    Recognizing this, we can practice compassionate self-inquiry, without anger or judgment toward ourselves.

    I have noticed that comments around my choice of work are most difficult to hear, and as I have peeled the layers I have learned that is where my inner critic is the loudest.

    What a lovely opportunity for me to come a tiny bit closer to my own truths, practice self- kindness, and work on myself instead of trying to change others.

    3. Cultivate curiosity.

    I have learned to have an open and curious mind toward critical behavior. I don’t need to judge or label, but I can still bring a deep sense of curiosity around why people may be behaving or saying such things.

    With this sense of curiosity, we’re better able to practice compassion for other people’s pain and suffering.

    Oftentimes when people say hurtful things, it’s because they are hurting and have unmet needs, and not because of who we are or what we have done.

    4. Demonstrate vulnerability with intelligence.

    I often felt upset because I opened my heart and revealed my imperfections and didn’t feel held or heard. I slowly learned that if someone might not accept my truth, it would be wise for me to exercise judgment around how much I share.

    As Brené Brown says, “Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share, ‘Who has earned the right to hear my story?’”

    This didn’t mean that I was better or wiser than other people, but that at this point in our lives, my story doesn’t serve a purpose in our conversations.

    5. Create boundaries.

    Despite all the benefits that such interactions may bring, boundaries are essential.

    A boundary meant saying no to that Saturday dinner invitation (with kindness and gratitude), or agreeing to meet for coffee on a weeknight instead of planning a long, leisurely Sunday brunch. It also meant exercising judgment around the topics that I’d discuss and the opinions that I’d offer.

    If a relationship is causing you pain but you feel it’s worth keeping, ask yourself: What boundaries can I set to better take care of myself and my needs?

    6. Refuel and recharge.

    Practicing this piece can sometimes feel indulgent, or I can confuse this with “being weak,” but at its core, it is an act of strength.

    I have learned to take time and create space (even if it’s just five minutes) to do something to recharge and refuel after such interactions—take a walk or practice meditation, for example—in order to ground myself and bring myself back to my sense of calm and worthiness.

    —

    When people are critical and judgmental, it’s often more about them than us. Still, this gives us an opportunity to learn about ourselves, take good care of ourselves, and practice responding wisely.

    Which of these most resonated with you? What’s in your toolkit that could be added to this list?

    Finger art of couple fighting image via Shutterstock

  • How To Let Go Of Self-Doubt and Find Long-Lasting Happiness

    How To Let Go Of Self-Doubt and Find Long-Lasting Happiness

    Man and the Sunrise

    “It’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit.  Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same.”  ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

    Have you ever let your doubts get in the way of feeling happy?

    I have.

    I left my soul-sucking corporate job to live my dream, teaching yoga in Thailand.

    I was the happiest woman on earth—or was I?

    It looked that way from the outside. But each time I opened my mouth to teach a class, I was mired in self-doubt. Why wasn’t I charismatic, funny, or charming?

    I stumbled over my words. I wanted to be as chatty and charming as the retreat center owner, but I’m naturally quiet and thoughtful, more of an introvert. I secretly wished I could morph myself into a sparkling extrovert.

    Have you ever felt like you had to be more like someone else in order to be successful? As if your own natural voice wasn’t good enough? That’s how I felt.

    And I wondered if I’d made a gigantic mistake in pursuing my passion for teaching yoga.

    My wise Indian teacher noticed and asked me why I worried. He told me to stop comparing myself to others and focus instead on what gifts I had to offer.  

    It was hard. I still harbored doubts. But as I faced my doubts, the clouds cleared from my mind and allowed the sun to shine.

    I was empowered to teach from my heart, with compassion and honesty. And I strongly connected with the students.

    Ten years later, I continue to practice and teach, and I live each day energized, happier, and fulfilled.

    I’ve managed to keep my doubts at bay and achieve lasting happiness by following a collection of simple methods.

    Your Cheat Sheet To Finding Enduring Happiness

    1. Downsize your doubts.

    Many of your doubts are irrational fears that you must expose for what they are. You can do so by breathing deeply and then carefully reconsidering.

    Doubts can trigger your stress response, putting you into fight-or-flight mode. You’ll feel anxious and panicky, and your anxiety can stop you from following your deeper intuitions.

    When you stop and breathe deeply, you put yourself back into rest-and-digest mode. You allow yourself to discern what’s real from what’s imagined.

    For years I’ve thought of offering a teacher training course, but I’ve been stopped cold in my tracks by my fears. Am I a good enough teacher? Do I have the skills?

    Then I stop, I take a few breaths, and I think, “I’ve been practicing and teaching yoga for more than fifteen years, and taken multiple trips to India to study with the masters. I’m qualified.”

    I’m still scared, but if I listen to my doubts I’ll never take a step closer to this dream. So I take a few breaths, accepting and acknowledging my fears without letting them derail my initiative.

    With practice, you’ll develop a deep-breathing habit that dispels irrational doubts. Just stop. Inhale. Exhale. And repeat three times.

     2. Stop trying to make everyone else happy.

    Do you feel personally responsible for other people’s happiness? If you do, when things don’t go well, their frown will add to your self-doubt. Lighten up your load, and don’t automatically assume that you need to make them smile.

    I remember someone who looked for wrong in everything I did. She was deeply unhappy, and I was the target for her internal strife.

    I tried to make her happy and I inadvertently took responsibility for her happiness. When I finally accepted that her unhappiness wasn’t up to me, I quit wasting my energy and questioning my self-worth. And that was a relief.

    Want to feel happier and more confident? Let go of your need to be a people pleaser. Take responsibility for your own inner world, and quit trying to control everyone else’s.

    3. Kill your inner critic.

    Imagine fingernails scraping a chalkboard.

    Cringe.

    That’s what happens in your brain when you criticize yourself.

    When you criticize, your mind develops a negative thinking pattern. You should reflect on your actions, but you shouldn’t criticize yourself. Inner-harshness is a bad habit that can be changed with practice.

    Try this exercise to break your habit. Make a few lists: times you’ve shown compassion or kindness to someone, another of your positive attributes and skills, and a third of instances when you’ve coped with a difficult challenge. Keep the lists close at hand.

    Next, try to notice your self-critical thoughts. Take a deep breath in, then release the breath slowly. This breath draws your attention away from the criticism. Then think about an item from your list.

    It may seem unlikely that simply recalling positive things will change your thinking. But it will, because over time your brain will rewire itself. Self-doubt and criticism are replaced with patience and understanding.

    When I see photos of my younger self, I recall how critical I used to be about my looks. Ten years later, I see small lines developing around my eyes. Rather than criticizing these signs of aging, I embrace them. My forty-year-old self is happier and hopefully wiser than my thirty-year-old self.

    Work on breaking your habit of criticizing. Over time, you’ll cast away your doubts and cultivate a serene inner space.

    4. Meditate to replace self-doubt with self-compassion. 

    Meditation makes you happier and boosts your self-confidence.

    With practice, you begin to notice your mind’s patterns of self-limiting thoughts, and you can let them pass without believing them.

    I found that practicing loving-kindness meditation was a powerful tool for releasing self-doubt and criticism. The first line of this type of meditation elicits sentiments of compassion and kindness for ourselves. (Note: I’m tweaking the language slightly from the standard meditation)

    “I am filled with loving-kindness. I am well, peaceful and at ease, happy and free of suffering.”

    I used to have many crazy thoughts: “You’ll never find a partner,” or “You’ll never make a living as a yoga teacher, because who’d want to learn from you?” Using this meditation, over time I was able to notice and mostly let go of the doubts and fears.

    The importance is to build the sentiments, not on the specific language. Feel free to tweak this as you see fit.

    5. Celebrate success.

    Our minds are sneaky. When you envy someone’s success, your deep feeling is, “They’ve achieved this, but I can’t.” You’ve limited yourself and created more doubts. The inherent thought is that you don’t have enough.

    Envy keeps you stuck in a self-doubting cycle. Remember that the amount of success or happiness in this world is limitless. And you have what it takes too.

    Change your jealousy to genuine joy for others, and lift your self-imposed limits. You’ll feel energized and inspired—ready to channel your energy into achieving your own goals and dreams. Then take one step toward that goal. Even a tiny one.

    6. Move your body every day.

    Daily exercise keeps your mind and body healthy. The increased blood flow nourishes your body and brain. You’ll feel stronger and happier from the inside out.

    I’ve seen hundreds of people start yoga and gradually develop self-confidence. They start to do things they thought were impossible.

    I’m one of those people. A daily practice of yoga, where I progressively try new things, has helped me to see my pattern of self-doubts and gradually let go.

    Feel clear and confident with a little daily movement—yoga, walking, or dancing. Choose something that you love, and do it a little each day. Develop inner strength, and cast away your doubts.

    Start today.

    7.  Nurture your passions and strengths.

    You’ll feel alive and confident when you do what you love.

    When you’re passionate and absorbed in your task, you can easily release your doubts.

    For brief moments you’ve felt it — when you forget about censoring yourself and let yourself flow.

    8. Accept and love your shadows.

    To let go of self-doubt, you must accept all aspects of your self—including your pride and your shadows. No one is perfect.

    In order to let go of your doubts, you must learn to be grateful for your limitations and challenges. We all carry baggage; it’s a part of being human.

    Starting from a place of acceptance rather than shame will make all your efforts easier.

    Most people don’t know that I can be short tempered and critical of my loved ones. I’m not always a perfectly zen yoga teacher. But I accept these parts of myself. Instead of fighting them, I work on noticing when I’m impatient or overly critical and gently try to remind myself to be more accepting.

    Remember that we are all human. And we all have our messy sides.

    9. Embrace your own authentic voice.

    For me this was the hardest step, because being authentic means letting your guard down. You let others see your true self, and if you harbor doubts (like I did), this is terrifying.

    Looking back, I see that I was afraid to let people see the real me. It was safer to adopt a way of being that I knew was liked—a charming, chatty persona (that wasn’t me). I was petrified, but when I was able to drop my mask, my words flowed like sweet honey.

    Embrace your own voice and never try to masquerade as someone else.

    Unleash your sassy, sarcastic, or comedic inner child, if that’s the real you. But there’s nothing wrong with being thoughtful, observant, and careful with words either.

    It didn’t happen overnight, but as I practiced breathing, changing my thoughts, and being kind to myself, slowly my inner voice got stronger. I started to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and authentic.

    You can do it too.

    The Key To Long-Lasting Happiness

    You know what would be horrible? Looking back in twenty years and thinking, “Why did I waste so much time doubting rather than doing and connecting?”

    Don’t read this post and think, “Oh, that was good advice.” And then open Facebook and read about your friend’s lunch.

    Don’t keep yourself locked in a prison of illusionary self-doubt.

    Your actions start in your mind with your thoughts. And just because we can’t see your thoughts doesn’t mean they aren’t crucial to your health and happiness.

    Lock your doubts away and don’t let them out. You’ve got work to do.

    Connect with those around you. It’s your key to unlocking long-lasting happiness.

    You have unique gifts to share with the world, and only this lifetime to do so.

    Man and the sunrise image via Shutterstock

  • How to Deal with Criticism Well: 25 Reasons to Embrace It

    How to Deal with Criticism Well: 25 Reasons to Embrace It

    “Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

    At the end of the day, when I feel completely exhausted, it often has nothing to do with all the things I’ve done.

    It’s not a consequence of juggling multiple responsibilities and projects. It’s not my body’s way of punishing me for becoming a late-life jogger after a period of laziness. It’s not even about getting too little sleep.

    When I’m exhausted, you can be sure I’ve bent over backward trying to win everyone’s approval. I’ve obsessed over what people think of me, I’ve assigned speculative and usually inaccurate meanings to feedback I’ve received, and I’ve lost myself in negative thoughts about criticism and its merit.

    I work at minimizing this type of behavior, and I’ve had success for the most part, but admittedly, it’s not easy. (more…)

  • Dealing With Criticism: 5 Tools to Develop a Thick Skin

    Dealing With Criticism: 5 Tools to Develop a Thick Skin

    “When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” ~Miguel Ruiz

    Have you ever opened a spring-loaded email? You know, the kind with a nasty barb inside that hits you like a punch in the gut?

    My business partner and I had recently launched our new podcast, and he had forwarded me an email he’d received from a viewer.

    “Just watched Episode One,” the writer said. “GREAT idea! But WAY too much talking. Want specifics, not Melissa’s self-indulgent blathering on about the creative process…”

    Ouch. My vision blurred at this point, and the rest of the missive was lost on me. A hot flush prickled my skin from head to toe.

    I recognized this feeling. It was something I’d been doing my best to avoid since early childhood. For much of my life, fear of criticism had kept me small and timid, hiding under my shell. Over the past several years, though, I’ve been stepping out of the shadows, playing bigger, putting myself and my work out in the world more boldly.

    I knew it was only a matter of time before critics started lobbing nastygrams my way, and thankfully, I was prepared.

    If you want to live a big, bold, creative life, one of the first orders of business is learning how to deal with criticism.

    The more you step out into the spotlight, whether literally or figuratively, the more attention and feedback you’re going to get, and not all of it will be positive.

    As kids on the playground, we chanted that “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me,” but words can and do hurt. They have the power to destroy us if we let them.

    How, then, do we armor up against criticism?

    Here are five tools that will help you grow a thicker skin.

    Tool #1: Separate fact from interpretation.

    When I opened that nastygram from the podcast viewer, it would have been easy to interpret it as defining a core truth about me.

    Instead, I reminded myself that her assessment wasn’t objective truth; it was merely her opinion. I might not like her opinion, but ultimately it has nothing to do with me, or with objective reality.

    In the same way, if I organize a workshop or offer a painting for sale, and nobody buys, it’s easy to leap to thoughts like “My work sucks. I suck.”

    The fact that I didn’t make a sale doesn’t actually tell me anything about me or my work, however. All I really know is that this particular offer wasn’t compelling to this particular audience at this particular moment.

    Separating fact from interpretation can help prevent you from sliding down into a rat hole of “I suck.” And it can even help you make tactical decisions going forward: if this audience didn’t buy, maybe I want to change my messaging, or maybe I want to find a new audience!

    Tool #2: Find the shiny, red button.

    Have you ever noticed how certain criticisms roll right off, like water off a duck’s back, but others cut you to the core no matter what you do?

    In elementary school, when the boys tried to taunt me by fiddling with my last name, Dinwiddie, and calling me “Dumb-widdie,” it was annoying, but it didn’t really hurt. Nor did it stick, because I had a core belief that I was smart. There were no fears or beliefs about myself for the insult to hook into.

    On the other hand, for many years whenever someone called me selfish, it flattened me.

    Somehow I got a message as a very young child that I was selfish. Then, in my first marriage, whenever I wasn’t able to meet my husband’s needs, he declared that I was selfish. Even when my friends and family reflected back that I was loving and generous, those early beliefs were like a big, shiny, red button with a hair trigger that got pushed really easily.

    For years, the tiniest comment that I was acting in my own self-interest threw me into a frenzy of self-doubt and anxiety. As a result, I bent over backward for others in an attempt to prove that I wasn’t selfish.

    No wonder an accusation that I was “self-indulgently blathering on” stung me so badly!

    The criticism isn’t actually the problem here; it’s the beliefs we hold about ourselves.

    When we can notice which criticisms wound us the most deeply, it shines a light on what our beliefs are. Not only can this help us to find neutrality again, with this outlook, criticism can actually become a valuable tool for self-growth.

    Tool #3: Reframe criticism as positive fuel.

    Years ago, when I was a beginning calligrapher, a master teacher invited me to show him my portfolio.

    I was scared to hear his critiques, until he assured me, “I’m simply going to tell you how you can make your work better.” Suddenly, instead of being terrified of his feedback, I was hungry for it.

    Alas, not all of our critics will be so gentle and well intentioned. It’s not always easy to practice neutrality, but the more we can shift our mindset to look for the lesson beneath the venom, the more even negative comments can be useful to us, and even empower and fuel us to keep going and make our work better.

    Tool #4: Ignore anyone on the sidelines.

    That said, sometimes feedback isn’t useful at all. TED speaker and best-selling author Brené Brown has received comments on her videos such as, “If I looked like Brené Brown, I’d embrace imperfection too.”

    This kind of insult has nothing to do with the work in question. It’s designed to hurt, not to help, and it has nothing useful to offer.

    If there are some cases when a criticism can be useful, and other cases when it does no good at all, how do we sift through feedback to determine what to pay attention to, and what to ignore?

    Brown likens nasty, unhelpful comments to the insults screamed down from the stands at the gladiators fighting in the arena below. It’s easy to yell that someone else can’t fight their way out of a paper bag when you’re sitting safely out of harm’s way.

    So ask yourself if your critics are offering opinions that are truly useful to you. Are they metaphorical gladiators, fighting alongside you in the arena? Or are they potential recipients of your work?

    If your critic is neither of the above, it’s likely they’re trolls hanging around on the sidelines. Ignore them.

    Tool #5: Find a thick-skinned role model.

    Did you know that Dr. Seuss, whose books sold millions over his lifetime, had his first book rejected at least twenty times? Thank goodness he persisted!

    It’s easy to think that being on the receiving end of criticism means something is wrong with us, but the truth is, being criticized is a hallmark of doing cutting-edge, important work! Countless people who are now known for amazing things were criticized or rejected at first.

    Think of Madonna, Lady Gaga, Hilary Clinton, Gloria Steinem. Whether or not you like their work or what they stand for, you have to admit that these women each touched a nerve in our culture, and have gotten a ton of criticism as a result. Yet they never gave up.

    The next time someone lobs a bomb your way, think about someone you admire who kept forging ahead, despite their critics. You might even want to post their picture, or quotes by them, by your workspace to inspire you to keep going.

    There you have it—my five favorite tools for handling criticism. Hopefully these will help you grow a thicker skin!

  • How to Really Embrace Yourself (Even in the Face of Criticism)

    How to Really Embrace Yourself (Even in the Face of Criticism)

    Arms Open

    “Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown

    Sitting at a party minding my own business, I wasn’t expecting it. I had no reason to. A comment filled with sarcasm and authority shot out at me from a across the room.

    “Shut up Kathryn.”

    It hit me like a bullet aimed straight at my heart.

    I wasn’t even aware I was being particularly quiet. I was simply being me. Taking in my surroundings, quietly observing, listening to the conversations that encircled me.

    But someone had noticed I was in a quiet mood. And for reasons that I will never fathom, they felt the need to bring it the attention of the entire room.

    “Shut up Kathryn,” they smirked.

    The comment instantly consumed my thoughts as all eyes turned toward me and sniggers of laughter filtered through the room. As my mind went fuzzy, I grappled for an appropriate response.

    But what possible response is there?

    As my insecurities were highlighted to anyone who would listen, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Right there and then.

    They thought they were being funny. But I found little to laugh about. The pricks of tears welled up as I fought hard to push the pain away, deep inside me. But I had to play along. Had to pretend. Had to smile. Had to laugh. As if all was okay.

    But it really, really wasn’t.

    And when I got home I cried. Then I cried some more.

    I was haunted by three little words that represented everything I felt insecure about: my quiet nature. My introversion. My shyness. The things that I wished I didn’t have to deal with. The things I wished I could change.

    When I look back at that day as a teenager, I want to comfort my younger self. To hold her close and whisper in to her ear that it will all be okay. To tell her that she will look back at this day and gain strength from it.

    That she will learn to grow, embrace herself for who she is, and feel so empowered; that even though she didn’t dare share her feelings with anyone at the time, as an adult she will find the courage to share this story with you today.

    To really embrace your natural persona, to live life in a way that’s completely and utterly true to who you are, and to let go of the words of the critics that may shroud your thoughts, here are three pieces of advice that have worked beautifully for me and which I hold close, if ever I falter.

    Surround yourself with support.

    Here’s the thing—you aren’t on your own. We all have insecurities, we all face challenges in our lives, and we can all find support if we reach out for it.

    Move yourself away from the critics and release their scathing comments from your world. They come from people with their own troubles and you don’t need them in your life.

    Instead, surround yourself with the people who make you feel alive—who provide you with support, inspiration, and words of encouragement.

    And then turn to these people in times of need. They are the ones you will help you grow, thrive, and learn to love every inch of who you are.

    Work out where you shine.

    We are all born with wonderful strengths that, if used on a daily basis, can help us find our true calling.

    Give yourself the time and space to reflect and then begin to develop a self-awareness and understanding of situations where you feel completely content and comfortable.

    These are the moments when you are in ‘flow’—when life feels easy as you start doing the stuff that you were born to do.

    By bringing more of these moments into your life, your confidence in your abilities will flourish and your insecurities over time will fade.

    Listen to your body and give it what it needs.

    I truly believe we all need to listen to our bodies more. If you start your day feeling exhausted and drained, then think about what that means.

    You are only human, so give yourself a break. If you feel like resting, then rest. If you crave time and space by yourself, then don’t feel guilty about turning down an invitation to go out with friends.

    Nurture your mind, body, and spirit in whatever way it craves, and your strength will surely grow.

    Learning to embrace yourself is a journey that can hold many challenges. And if you’ve had to face unhelpful criticism or scathing comments throughout your life, then it can be all the more tricky.

    But do you know what? There are amazing ways that you can help yourself and find peace with who you are.

    You’ve just got to give yourself the time to grow.

    Photo by pshegubj

  • The Antidote to Criticism: Turn Others’ Doubt Into a Standing Ovation

    The Antidote to Criticism: Turn Others’ Doubt Into a Standing Ovation

    Clapping

    “Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

    Gangly and skinny, I never attracted much attention from the opposite sex during high school. I was the friendly and funny sidekick to the popular girls—fun to hang out with but not to date.

    When an older guy approached me during my last year of high school, I thought it would be a normal high school romance.

    It turned out that our relationship wouldn’t be anything close to “normal.”

    As I began to get to know him, everyone around me started to object to our interest in each other. My family, my friends, even people I hardly spoken to in years, they all opposed our budding relationship from the start.

    One time, a friend of my parents came up to me at a restaurant and said, “He’s not for you. You’re a princess and you deserve a prince,” before walking off. It felt like a hit and run.

    They said we weren’t right for each other. They said we didn’t run in the same circles. They said we were brought up differently. They said the long distance we’d have to endure wasn’t worth it.

    They said so many things, but it didn’t matter.

    Despite their objections, we continued our relationship on and off for four years, suffering under the weight of the rejection of our loved ones. We didn’t understand why they couldn’t see how simple and right our relationship was. We didn’t understand why it was such a problem for us to be together.

    As much as we fought it, our relationship eventually buckled under all that judgment and fell to pieces.

    Now, looking back on everything I went through, I can see just how much I gained from that suffering and criticism. Not only did I enjoy a beautiful relationship and friendship for four years, I also gained something else entirely:

    I gained the opportunity to do something of my own, making my own actions and decisions based on my own criteria.

    No matter if people’s criticism were right or wrong, what matters is that I learned to follow my heart and make decisions that are important to me.

    I withstood the rejection of the people closest to my heart, all because I believed strongly in what I was doing. I was strong and steadfast—attributes I didn’t know I had.

    Hindsight is 20/20, right?

    All of those lessons are what I can see now, after everything has been over for years, but the moments when I felt attacked by their criticism were difficult to get through back then. It would’ve helped me understand it all better while I was going through it, so I started wondering…

    Why do people criticize in the first place?

    Through my conversations with friends and family that once criticized me, it seems to me that there are a few main reasons why people may criticize—all related to fear:

    1. Fear of failure.

    Most of the people that criticize our decisions are fearful of our failure. They want to protect us, and telling us their objections are their way of attempting to keep us safe from failure.

    2. Fear of change.

    Sometimes, the people who criticize us are afraid of how our decisions and actions will cause changes to the status quo. We like how things are right now, so why change them? Change means we don’t know what will happen next, what’s lying in wait around the corner.

    3. Fear of action.

    What this really means is insecurity. This is probably the most hurtful kind of criticism, but it’s very simple to break down.

    Sometimes, people criticize us because they too wish they could make these decisions or take action similar to ours. They’re afraid that they don’t have it in them to pull off what we’re trying to pull off, and they turn to criticism to deal with that fear.

    Most of these come from places of love—love for us or love for themselves. Identifying that would’ve helped me deal with what I went through years ago, but it helps me now, too, whenever I face criticism.

    Sure, there are many more reasons for criticism and not everyone gives it from a place of love, but these few examples have helped me dive deeper into why criticism arises and how I can turn it into something great.

    What can criticism turn into?

    When I suffered from the judgment of my loved ones (and the scorn of people I hardly knew, like the lady in that restaurant), I followed my heart and did what I thought was best, despite the hurt. I wasn’t aware that those few years of steadfastness would turn into what I now call a “standing ovation” of sorts.

    Recently, I was at a party with friends when an acquaintance approached me and said, “Marcella, I know we’re not close or anything, but I wanted to tell you that I admire you for standing up to everyone when you were in love. You stood up for what was right, and that was a beautiful thing to do.”

    The very people who criticize us are the same people who later on applaud our efforts.

    While it’s wonderful that someone saw the value in my struggle, I’ve recognized even greater value the more time goes by. Facing criticism and following what felt right with my first love trained me to do the same as I grew up.

    Dr. Brené Brown says, “If you’re not in the arena getting your butt kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” I’d add to that with the following: I hope that me being in the arena getting my own butt kicked can inspire others to enter the arena, as well.

    Photo by Martin Fisch

  • Silencing Your Inner Critic: You Don’t Need to Torture Yourself to Grow

    Silencing Your Inner Critic: You Don’t Need to Torture Yourself to Grow

    Woman in a field

    “You yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    I was tortured by self-hatred for most of my life.

    There were aspects of myself that I had a hard time loving. I didn’t like that I am competitive, that I was not a blonde with blue eyes, that I am not good at math or managing money.

    I did everything I could to hide these things. I was over-caring, over-helping, and over-accommodating others.

    I think I did a pretty good job of not being myself. This created additional psychic pain in me. I felt like Picasso who was not allowed to paint or Mozart who was banned from approaching another musical instrument again.

    The funny thing is, I was the one doing it to myself. I was no longer a child under the mercy of my critical, perfectionist parents (who were in pain and unconscious themselves). I had become my parents! I had become my worst critic.

    I wondered, “Why am I so mean to myself? What could I have done in a past life or in this lifetime that could warrant such self-torture?”

    Interestingly enough, even when I tried to conjure up the filthiest, sickest scenario, I had a hard time hating that imaginary person doing the crime.

    I had worked with criminals in a prison. I knew their stories and what they went through. It doesn’t condone their behavior, but I could see the chain of pain and lack of love that was passed on to them, and then from them. I just couldn’t hate them.

    If I couldn’t hate these criminals, why did I hate myself so much? It seemed so illogical.

    Then I remembered reading about the inner critic. I looked into it further and started getting to know this beast. In addition to my inner critic, there were many parts of myself that had helped me survive.

    I had an inner protector, a hermit, a social butterfly, a flirt, and many other parts that served a purpose.

    For example, “The Flirt” was helping me make friends and gain clients and extract the juice out of my relationships by being playful. “The Hermit” knew when I needed to recharge my mental, emotional, and physical bodies. “The Social Butterfly” helped me find and attract communities that met my different needs.

    They all had a job to do, but they needed to be in balance.

    Some of these selves were created out of necessity when I was young and didn’t have enough safety and kindness in my life. But I was no longer that little girl. Some of these selves were such loyal servants that they never left me all my life. I recognized this with gratitude that came out of nowhere.

    Suddenly, instead of hating my inner critic, I felt a sense of compassion for how hard she had been working to keep me safe from rejection, ridicule, abandonment, and many other rational and irrational fears. I decided that I didn’t want her to work so hard anymore. She had done a great job.

    Maybe I was selfish, lazy, negative, arrogant, and bitter. So what? Aren’t all these parts of me and personality traits so human? How many people do I know and love who have some unpleasant or unbalanced qualities or habits? Many. Their qualities do not make me not love them. Those are their quirks.

    So then came the self-inventory.

    Do I make a genuine effort to call myself out on my stuff when I am conscious enough to see it? Yes.

    Do I make an effort to make amends with people I have hurt? Yes.

    Am I someone who genuinely wants to be a balanced individual who serves others? Yes.

    Then what is the problem?

    Does this mean that I was going to let it all go and be a mean, bitter, selfish, codependent woman?

    No.

    How about if I cut myself some slack? How about I practice being gentle with myself and give this poor inner critic a break?

    “I no longer need to torture myself to grow.”

    Oh, that felt good to say it to myself. I took another deep breath to let this new reality/belief set in. I felt freer, and more loving toward all of life.

    I knew that I had to work at sustaining and integrating this new belief. I had, in the past, had big revelations but had taken the wisdom for granted. Then I would slip back to my old behavioral and thought patterns.

    Back then I didn’t understand that our brain needs to integrate new concepts in the same way we learn a new language.

    So I immediately made a plan. It didn’t have to be a perfect plan, but had to be something I could stick to, since I knew that our brain learns by repetition.

    I wrote down affirmations that felt right to my heart. I started a running “What I love about myself” list. I started writing down things I was even shy about. “I love my hair. I love my toes. I love my sense of humor. I love my fragile, sensitive heart.”

    I was finally on paper. And it didn’t look so bad. I started reading it out loud to myself every day, and adding to it.

    My neediness toward people started decreasing. When I made plans to hang out with them, I noticed that my secret need was no longer to be comforted, approved, or supported by them. I was just open to every encounter for what the exchange would bring for everyone involved.

    The shift wasn’t overnight, but I kept at it. The more love I felt for myself and the less I gave my full attention to my inner critic, the happier I became.

    My energy shifted. People were attracted to me as clients and friends. After three months of isolation, I was being invited to parties, camping trips, and concerts. I picked where I wanted to be and who I wanted to be around. I listened to my inner child and followed her nudges.

    These are the steps I followed in learning to love myself:

    1. Get to know your inner critic, its voice, and its intentions.

    Activate your observer self and listen to what it is saying as if you are hearing it on the radio. Recognize that this is an old tape repeating the criticism of society and the people who raised you to ensure your emotional and physical safety. It is running on autopilot.

    2. Take some time to yourself; go deep inside.

    Explore what you could have done to deserve this much self-hate/criticism. Look for an example of a person or situation where you can’t hate someone who’s made a mistake, even if you wanted to.

    Let your brain help you find proof that you don’t deserve your self-criticism. When you find it, you will create a crack in that thought pattern. But that alone is not enough to break it open and get it to release.

    3. Make a realistic plan.

    List three things you can do to raise your self-esteem. These can be as simple as: “I will say ‘I love you’ to myself ten times a day,” or “I will look at myself in the mirror and identify things I like about myself every morning before leaving the house.”

    The trick is that they need to feel doable to you. This is your plan. You are in charge of what you want to do. Make it a joyful and fun one.

    4. Stick with the program.

    I find that I get the best results when I keep track of it. Seeing a day or two of missing my exercises or meditation bothers me and motivates me to get back into it.

    5. Start hanging out with people who make you feel good.

    These are the people who see and experience you as who you really are. Let people who love you reflect the real you back to you. Start hanging out with people who could use cheering up. Reflect back to them how you see them. Practice the balance of receiving and giving.

    6. Know that you have the power to take the reins from this inner critic.

    It has been doing a great job, but it doesn’t need to drive the car anymore. Once you decide this, the rest is pretty much practice and patience.

    My inner critic was so harsh that it was hard for friends to watch me hurt myself that way, but I’ve learned to love myself. You can do it too.

    Photo by MrVertrau

  • How to Stop Fearing Disapproval: 3 Lessons from Accepting Judgment

    How to Stop Fearing Disapproval: 3 Lessons from Accepting Judgment

    “Lean too much on the approval of people, and it becomes a bed of thorns.” ~Tehyi Hsieh

    I remember reading somewhere that the best way to face a fear is through repeated exposure.

    In the case of my lifelong need for approval, I have found this to be true.

    For as long as I can remember, I have wanted, needed everyone to like me. And not just like me, but agree with and sanction my every choice through obvious signs of validation.

    I remember auditioning for a community theater production of Annie when I was twelve.

    My older sister, Tara—thinner, more popular, and, by my estimation, more talented—sang before me, and seemed to knock it out of the park.

    With a bold, Ethel Merman-like voice and a petite, 5’1” frame, you might have expected to see a hefty female ventriloquist offstage, throwing her voice while Tara lip-synced.

    But that was, in fact, her voice. It was larger than life, like her—and decidedly unlike me. I may have seemed like a quiet, shrinking violet type, but you’d likely have concluded otherwise if you heard the boisterous noise in my head.

    I believed everyone was constantly judging me, and I was terrified of those thoughts I couldn’t hear.

    By the time Tara belted out “You’re only a day away,” I had nearly collapsed into a hysterical ball of panic within a corner of my mind.

    I dreaded following her, both because I knew she was superior in every way possible and I hated being critiqued.

    Within five seconds of starting my song, I felt a quiver in my voice that seemed like it might have been a ripple effect of the trembling in my knees. Except it wasn’t. It was just sheer terror.

    Everyone was watching me—which people do when you’re on stage. And a part of me craved that, needed that. I desperately wanted them to like me, to cheer for me, to believe in me and want me there.

    That’s not what I felt was happening right then. I was sure that everyone would laugh at me behind my back because I plain and simply wasn’t good enough.

    It felt all but certain in the next instant, when I attempted a belting, vibrato-like note and instead cracked loudly and obviously.

    Right then—that’s the moment when I decided that a woman named Sandy, soon to be cast as Miss Hannigan, hated me. And why?

    She hated me, I concluded, because she gave me “a look.” Crack + look = repulsion and revulsion, at least to my twelve-year-old mind.

    Never mind that I couldn’t be certain that she did, in fact, look any different than usual. And forget for a minute the perhaps obvious alternative—that if she did look different, it may have actually been compassion.

    To me, her facial features melted together into an expression of absolute condemnation, and it was the physical representation of what I imagined everyone else was thinking, too: I was a pathetic joke.

    Flash forward many years later, and I’d learned to stuff down my insecurity with a long list of self-destructive behaviors, from bulimic rituals to occasional acts of self-harm.

    I frequently tortured and punished myself for reasons varied enough to fill more than a decade of therapy, but I think it was mostly an attempt to beat other people to it.

    It plain and simply hurts less to be rejected if you’ve already rejected yourself, and you’re already hurting.

    I was always hurting.

    Over the years, I was less often rejected, primarily because I minimized opportunities. It was a tactic I learned when dealing with intense bullying in school—it’s a lot safer to just not show up.

    I remember many times sitting in my room, looking at my window and imagining it was a TV screen. That’s what life outside it felt like—something to watch, not join.

    I’ve written quite a bit about the time between deciding to be part of the world and now, but in case you haven’t read any of it, here’s a haiku that sums up those experiences:

    I wanted a life
    I took risks and sometimes stumbled
    And I learned and grew

    By the time I started my first blog, I’d come a long way, but I was more “feeling the fear and doing it anyway” than experiencing relief from the fears.

    The first time I published a blog post, I watched the comments like the proverbial not-yet-boiling kettle—hoping for a little sizzle but afraid of getting burned.

    When the comments started coming in, it was feast or famine. I felt either a rush of acceptance-and-approval-triggered endorphins or the overwhelming anxiety of not being able to fight or flee in the face of judgment and criticism.

    It was magic or misery, the experience of writing online—instant gratification or self-recrimination.

    And that’s how I knew I needed to keep at it, to share my struggles, successes, and lessons even though I was far from perfect; perhaps I could be good for others and in doing so be good for me.

    On some level, I craved the joy of knowing I’d created something others liked. But somewhere inside, I also craved the criticism.

    No, I’m not a total masochist. I craved it because I knew that each time I confronted it, I could get better at dealing with it.

    As I look back on the past several years, and the almost two-decade journey of insecurity and growth before it, I am amazed to realize I have. I have gotten better at dealing with it.

    I’m by no means impervious to feelings of self-doubt, but as a consequence of putting myself out there in varied ways over and over again, out there feels a lot less scary. And here is why that is…

    1. I’ve learned that the “looks” are sometimes in our head—and when they’re not, we often have no idea what’s really behind them.

    Someone’s disapproval might be completely unrelated to us.

    Since we can’t know what’s on someone else’s mind unless they tell us, we can either offer a compassionate look back in case they need it, or take a curious look within to explore our own reaction.

    Anything else is a waste of energy—and over something we likely won’t remember for long.

    2. I’ve learned that people will sometimes vocalize their opinions harshly and insensitively.

    Conventional wisdom may suggest ignoring them—not letting “the haters” get us down.

    More often than not, it won’t be about hate. It will be about pain—theirs.

    We can feed off that and add to our own, or we can hear them out, look for seeds of truth, and leave behind whatever won’t help us grow.

    3. Lastly, I’ve learned that it’s impossible to avoid messing up, and consequently, feeling judged.

    We all “crack” every now and then, in one way or another. Outsiders may poke those shattered parts, right when we’re most vulnerable.

    But those fissures don’t have to mean anything about us, regardless of what others conclude. If anything, they can mean we have an opportunity to learn, grow, and prosper. As Leonard Cohen wrote, “There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”

    Equally important, that’s how the light gets out.

    Perhaps that’s the greatest gift of this whole repeated exposure thing, the cyclical nature of it all—we’re all on both sides of this coin, showing up and being shown up for, seeing and being seen.

    We’re all powerful and fragile, breakable and strong. We each have the potential to hurt and to heal. Sometimes, oftentimes, it all blends together.

    And that’s something I’ve learned to like more than knowing you like me: the inevitability of all of us helping each other, whether we intend to or not.

    Growth is a consequence of doing, trying, risking, and making an effort, even if we’re terrified—especially if we’re terrified. The fear may never completely go away, but it ebbs, flows, and fades.

    So here’s to showing up, repeatedly. Here’s to being seen. And here’s to forgiving ourselves when we hide so we can let it go and then show up again.

    We don’t always need to stand center stage. We just need to know we gain more than we lose when we’re open to the light.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself (and the Self-Love Bonus Pack)

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself (and the Self-Love Bonus Pack)

    Tiny Buddhas Guide Cover 3D

    10/9/13: The pre-order promotion is now over. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here!

    Two years ago I surveyed the Tiny Buddha community to crowdsource wisdom for my second book, which was going to break apart the idea of success.

    Around the same time, I experienced a series of life-altering events, including a major surgery, financial hardship, a break-in, and the death of my grandmother.

    Within the following months, I dramatically decreased the amount of time I devoted to blogging. After almost three years of regularly sharing my feelings, I wanted space to explore my conflicting emotions without having to put them into words.

    Despite having chosen to do this, I felt immense guilt in seemingly “abandoning” the community. I also felt embarrassed and disappointed in myself.

    After not only announcing my book but also soliciting insight from others, I realized I wasn’t in the right headspace to work on the project. Even though I knew I’d had a tough few months, this inability to deliver deeply distressed the perfectionist in me.

    I planned to work on this later in the year, but when the time came I wanted to work on something different—a book that felt more personally relevant in light of my recent challenges, and extended naturally from the philosophy of this site.

    I wanted to create a collaborative book about self-love, for a few reasons.

    For one thing, it’s something that many of us struggle with, which makes it difficult, if not impossible, to fully love others and life.

    Secondly, my former lack of self-love was the foundation of all my greatest struggles. I once thought my life was a mess because I struggled with depression and an eating disorder, and didn’t have purpose, money, or a relationship, but at the heart of all those troubles was my unwavering self-loathing.

    Lastly, it tied into an unexpected consequence of making, what seemed like, a massive public mistake: announcing a plan and then not following through reinforced that I need my empathy the most when I feel most resistant to giving it.

    It also reminded that sometimes mistakes are opportunities to do something good—and I believe I have with this book.

    Including 40 blog posts from tinybuddha.com, Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself offers more than just advice; it offers in a window into our shared human experience, and universal lessons we can all apply to feel happier with ourselves and our lives.

    These posts have reminded more than 1.5 million monthly readers that we are never alone, and we don’t have to live life controlled by our inner critic. They touch upon ideas that will help you:

      • Release shame about your past and the limiting beliefs that keep you stuck
      • See yourself as beautiful and valuable, with all your flaws and weaknesses
      • Accept yourself more and judge yourself less
      • Forgive yourself for your mistakes and stop being hard on yourself
      • Minimize the need for approval to feel more confident
      • Let go of the comparisons that keep you feeling inferior
      • Feel complete so that you no longer look to others to fill a void within yourself
      • Find the courage to share your authentic self for deeper connections with others
      • Learn to take care of yourself instead of putting everyone else’s needs first
      • Believe that you’re valuable so you can start creating a life you love

    The stories are categorized into 10 chapters, connected to each of these themes.

    At the end of each chapter you’ll find four tips—one from each of the four posts in that section. They’re ideas you can turn to whenever you need help changing your thoughts, and consequently, your feelings and experience of the world.

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself launches on October 8th. Over the next month, I’m going to run a pre-order promotion that will involve daily self-love interviews with some of the book’s contributors.

    During the month of September, anyone who pre-orders the book will receive instant access to the “Self-Love Bonus Pack,” which includes 8 digital resources, valued at more than $150.

    Those items include:

      • From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-Care into a Way of Life, by Hannah Braime
      • Flowing Through the Void: Creating Miracles Out of Struggles by Activating Presence, Power, and Passion, by Amyra Mah
      • Complete Confidence eCourse, by Emma Brooke
      • An Awakened Life: A Journey of Transformation, by Julie Hoyle
      • Create a Brilliant Vision for Your Life and Business, by Margie Beiswanger
      • 5 Days of Self-Compassion, by Joanna Weston
      • Be You, Unapologetically by An Bourmanne
      • Tiny Wisdom: On Self-Love, by Lori Deschene (me)

    You can pre-order a copy of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

    Please note that you will not receive your copy of the book in the mail until October. You will, however, will receive instant access to the bonus items once you forward your sales confirmation email to the address listed on the sales page.

    Thank you to everyone who’s involved with this book—which is all of you. You make this community what it is. You make a difference, and you’re appreciated.

  • A Powerful Lesson in Self-Compassion: Are You Allergic to Honey?

    A Powerful Lesson in Self-Compassion: Are You Allergic to Honey?

    Smile

    “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~Dalai Lama

    When things don’t go as planned, is your go-to explanation that it’s because you did something wrong, or because there’s something wrong with you? For many people, self-compassion is a real challenge.

    Most of us want to be kinder to ourselves, but our self-critical, perfectionistic patterns are often well-established, and it’s hard to know how to interrupt them.

    When I was in graduate school, I was driving home from school one evening when I noticed that my car was overheating. Just as I arrived in front of my building, the engine stalled completely.

    It was 5pm on a Friday, I was blocking the bike lane, and traffic was backed up behind me. Two cars sped past beeping their horns, and then a cyclist turned and waved his fist as he rode around me. I flipped on my hazard lights.

    As I dialed Triple A, the self-critical thoughts and stories started to spin:

    “Why didn’t I notice earlier that the car was overheating? I should have had it serviced. If I had been more on top of things, this wouldn’t be happening.”

    I heard more car horns beeping as the woman at Triple A promised that a tow truck would be there within 30 minutes. After I thanked her and hung up, the self-critical stories resumed:

    “I’m in the way; inconveniencing everyone around me. I’m taking up too much space.”

    I was startled by a knock at the passenger window. A guy with a goatee and a beanie stood next to my car, and I suspected that he was going to give me a hard time for being double-parked. Reluctantly, I lowered the window.

    “Hey,” he said. “I work at the cafe right here—do you want a latte or a chai or something?”

    I stared at him, speechless, blinking through the beginnings of tears.

    “We’ve also got hot chocolate and tea,” he said.

    He actually meant it.

    “Oh,” I said. “Wow. Thank you. I’d love some chamomile tea.”

    “You got it,” he said and headed back to the cafe.

    I sat there, stunned. This experience did not fit into the story my inner critic had been telling. All of my self-criticism had been completely silenced by this stranger’s spontaneous impulse of kindness.

    Suddenly none of this was my fault; it was just something that was happening, and I could allow it. All the stories had been just that: stories.

    A few moments later he reappeared with the chamomile tea and handed it to me.

    “Here you go,” he said.

    “Thanks.” I pulled a couple of bills from my wallet.

    “Oh, no, don’t worry about it,” he said.

    “Really?”

    “Yeah,” he said.

    I looked at him and took the tea.

    “Thank you,” I said.

    “Hey, I’ve been there.”

    He tapped the passenger door twice as a goodbye. I put the window back up. The tea was too hot to drink, so I held the paper cup as it warmed my hands.

    I let it register some more: This wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t evidence of me having done something wrong. It was just something that was happening, and it could just be that.

    And what was so wrong about taking up space, anyway?

    I was startled again by another knock. He was back. I lowered the window.

    “Hey, are you allergic to honey?” he said.

    “Huh? Mmm, no.”

    “Oh, good. I put honey in it. I didn’t think to ask if you were allergic. If you are, I can make another one.”

    “Oh, no. I love honey. Thank you,” I said.

    “No worries, then.” And back to the coffee shop he went.

    I smiled and blinked through a few more tears. He had put honey in my tea without me even asking? This baffled my inner critic even more; it had nothing to say.

    I thought about how the self-critical stories had flared up as soon as I found myself in a challenging situation, how automatic it was for me to think that the coffee shop guy was there to criticize me, and how immediately the trance of self-judgment was broken by his act of kindness.

    In five minutes, he had given me a life-altering lesson in how compassion alchemizes criticism. He had no ulterior motive: he was simply being kind and generous, and he inspired me to be more kind and generous with myself.

    If you struggle with self-judgment, tuck this simple phrase into your back pocket.

    The next time you notice that critical thoughts are present, experiment with asking your inner judge, “Hey, are you allergic to honey?” It just might help you interrupt those all-to-familiar patterns, and start creating new, self-compassionate ones.

    Photo by Ashley Campbell Photography