Tag: crisis

One Thing We Need to Survive Crisis, Loss, and Trauma
“What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for a worthwhile goal, a freely chosen task.” ~Viktor Frankl

A couple of years ago, I was sitting in my little mountain cottage, writing away on a new novel. It was a cold and dark February afternoon. So, first, I felt pleasantly surprised when I saw something bright lighting up behind me: I thought it was the sun coming out. But when I turned around, I noticed that my porch was on fire!

Before I knew what was happening, I was standing out in the snow in my slippers, looking back at the entrance and facade completely engulfed by flames.

It was like a near-death experience. My mind quickly took an inventory of all the things that were inside the cottage now burning down—pretty much all of my personal belongings. However, in that moment, I realized that nothing else mattered but the manuscript I’d been working on.

Hours later, after the fire-brigade had left and I took one last look at the charcoaled ruins of what used to be my home, I finally got into the car with Marius, my border collie. (The car key survived by nothing short of a miracle.)

I was on my way to my mother’s house, nearly 100 miles away, where I would, or so I thought, crash, cry, get drunk, whatever. Any sort of self-care—bathing in chocolate or drugs, massive allowance for self-pity— seemed justified under these circumstances.

Luckily, it occurred to me that some meditation and self-hypnosis may be a good idea also. And as I tried, I immediately received some deeper intuition about what to do.

A voice of inner wisdom (or Higher Self, if you want to call it, that has access to cosmic intelligence) gave me some rules to follow in order to remain in a high state of mind, despite the misfortune that had happened.

These were the rules given to me:
- Do not, under any circumstances, drink alcohol.
- Eat a vegan, fresh fruits and vegetables-based diet. Cut all sugar. Your system is under shock and won’t be able to eliminate the toxins without further damage.
- Go to the gym every day and work out for an hour, vigorously. That will flush out the stress hormones and make you stronger.
- For now, forget about the house. Live as simply as you can and concentrate on the project that carries the highest energy and greatest hope for the future; i.e., writing your novel. Make it your highest priority, give it regular time and attention, and protect the space in which it is happening.
For sure, these were words of tough love. Wouldn’t it be, in moments of a great crisis, loss, or trauma, only natural to seek comfort and distraction? However, I’ll remain forever grateful to have received this different kind of inspiration at the right time. Otherwise, it would have been too easy to fall into a dark pit of self-pity, victimhood, and destructive patterns.

In Andersen’s fairy tale The Little Match Girl, the orphaned child is trying to make a livelihood by selling matches on the street. It’s winter and she’s suffering from the freezing cold, so eventually gives in to the temptation to light one of those matches to warm her hands.

In the moment of ignition, she feels like being back in her late grandmother’s living room, cozy with a fireplace, roast dinner, and a luminous Christmas tree. Her short-term escape, however, has a price. She gets addicted to lighting the matches; eventually, she wastes all her merchandise and dies. So can we, if we give in to temporary temptations of relief, live up all our resources, and slowly waste away.

There is, however, a high path out of a crisis. Etymologically, the word crisis goes back to the Ancient Greek κρίσις, which means decision. In moments of great danger, loss, or threat, we are forced to focus our attention and see what really matters

To me, it was in the moment when I stood there out in the snow, watching my house burn, that I realized what was the most important thing. Even before that, I took writing seriously, but only in the crisis did I learn to prioritize my soul’s calling against all odds.

The essential question of decision that arises from the crisis is:

Do we let our lives be determined by the trauma of the past, or do we have a future vision strong enough to pull us forward?

Once I was at a conference on consciousness where a very interesting idea was brought forward.

Many of us have heard of entropy: the tendency of closed physical systems to move forward in time, toward increased levels of chaos. (For example, an ice cube being heated up to liquid water (increased entropy as molecules are freer to move) and then brought to a boil (as the molecules in the vapor move around even more randomly.)

It is, however, less often discussed that—following from the mathematical equations—there also must be a counterforce to it.

This counterforce is called syntropy. Being the symmetrical law, it moves backward in time toward increased levels of harmony.

It has been suggested that if entropy governs physical (non-living) systems, syntropy must be true for consciousness (life), which hence, in some strange and mysterious way, must be (retro-) caused by the future.

Although intriguing, first, this sounded very much like science-fiction to me…

However, when I began to think about it deeper, I realized how much practical truth there was in this. Psychologically, the future indeed can have a tremendous harmonizing and organizing effect on our present lives.

Think, for instance, of an athlete who spends several hours a day swimming up and down the pool. When you ask them why they do that, they say because they are training for the Olympics. The Olympics is in the future, but it causes the swimmer in the present to follow an organized and structured training regime instead of just fooling around all day long.

The life-saving effect of having a worthwhile future goal has been documented ever since the early days of psychology.

World famous psychotherapist Viktor Frankl observed his fellow sufferers while incarcerated in Nazi concentration camps. Later, he taught that those who had a purpose to keep on living (e.g., a study or manuscript to complete or a relationship to rekindle) were also the ones most likely to survive even under those horrendous circumstances.

Having worked for years with battered women, I made similar observations. In hypnotherapy we have a set of techniques under the umbrella of future life progressions, which gives the subconscious mind a chance to explore alternative futures. In one exercise, the women were asked to just imagine that overnight a miracle happened, and they were now waking up in their best possible future.

Shockingly, the individuals most resistant to change were the ones who could not imagine any future day different from their current reality. As it turned out, even more important than healing the trauma of their past, was to teach their brains to imagine a new future.

If we want to take the high path out of a crisis, we must learn that—to imagine our future in the best possible way. It begins by focusing not on the trauma, the pain, and the past, but on the single thing that feels most valuable and worthwhile to pursue in our lives. Once we have found that, our worthwhile goal will serve as a light tower for us to safely sail into the future, no matter how obscure our present circumstances are.

And what is my most worthwhile goal, you may ask. Ultimately, as Viktor Frankl also said, that is not something we must ask, rather realize that in life it is we who are being asked: “In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”

What will your best response be?
May 11, 2023
The Anti-Anxiety Techniques That Prepare You for a Crisis

“You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.” ~Dan Millman

One of the paradoxes of learning to cope with anxiety is that it often means you’re prepared for chaos and crisis. When everyone else is thrown by the uncertainty, you’re strangely at home because it is not as far from your day-to-day lived reality as it is to their’s.

I often joke that at a time of crisis, people with anxiety are like early adopters of the iPhone; we’re like “See, this is exactly what I’ve been telling you about!!! It follows you everywhere; it seems innocuous at first and then slowly, but surely it ruins your life.”

Whether it’s the overwhelming sense of fear and dread about anything and everything, obsessively running over hypothetical scenarios, or waking up the middle of the night furious with your partner because they have the audacity to be able to sleep soundly through the night, we get it.

For me, this journey started in 2015, after I quit six jobs in four months.

You see, I started a job that I felt underqualified for, and I spent every day waiting for them to figure out they’d made a mistake. The longer they didn’t, the more I was sure my employers were idiots who could not be trusted. So I decided to get a new job, but then I felt underqualified for that job even though it was a job I’d done comfortably in the past, and then I felt underqualified for the next one and the one after that, and so on and so forth.

Eventually, a friend suggested this wasn’t normal and that I should speak to a therapist. I did, and I was told the good news was that I probably wasn’t as bad at my job as I thought, and the bad news was I had an anxiety disorder. Given my ongoing fear of looking incompetent, it’s a trade-off that I’d probably almost still take.

Over the next two years, I read every blog, listened to every podcast, and tried every gimmick to help wrestle back any semblance of trust in my ability to win the increasing arguments I was having with my self-belief.

One of the biggest things about living with anxiety is knowing that it never goes away, but you can learn more productive ways to cope with it.

At a time of crisis, a lot of people will say, “We’re all in the same boat,” which I don’t think is accurate. We all get forced out onto our individual lifeboats; some of us are in rockier waters than others, some are lucky to have literal personal islands to retreat to.

As a stand-up comedian with anxiety, I have the benefit of being forced to put years into maintaining and improving my metaphorical lifeboat. From breathing techniques and isolation pods to hardcore psychedelics, I’ve taken them out into the lifeboat, seen it sink or swim, learned from that, made it better, and made it more comfortable.

For those of who are new to these troubled waters, let’s take a short crash course into the things you can do to help manage your anxiety.

It’s worth noting, these aren’t the only things you can do, and not all of these will be helpful to everyone, but these are the tools I turn to most often.

The hippies were right, meditation really works.

I know, I know, it’s cliché. I spent most of my twenties rolling my eyes at what I thought was hippie nonsense. And, even today, long after having discovered the benefits of meditation, I still cringe when I hear someone assume that because I am an advocate of meditation, I must also believe in crystals or star signs. And, I still can’t stand people pretending that meditation means you’ll never feel unhappy again.

But meditation does work. In particular, learning to let the early discomfort pass—to settle in and observe the restlessness and feel it naturally subside—is like weight training for your brain. Once you can do that, it is so much easier to accept that some things are out of your control and wait for them to pass.

Keep a routine.

Chaos can cause you to want to do everything and nothing all at once. It’s like trying to run faster to the finish line when you’re already exhausted. You want to do anything, anything at all to claim back a sense of control, but often, that just results in you feeling boxed in by the fact that you can’t always control everything.

When I’m anxious, I scramble for things to take up my time, make lists of lists I need to make. Somewhere in my subconscious, I think my belief is that “surely one of these things will work.” On the other hand, work done in a panic is less likely to be strategic or done well. That can add to a sense of hopelessness that is demotivating.

A routine can be the difference between spiralling and getting up and getting on with it, in the best way. Sticking to a routine means when things get hard, your muscle memory can kick in and take over.

For me, this means getting up at a regular time, maintaining standard working hours (even in times of unemployment), setting aside time to meditate and run at a regular schedule. All these things help me tick things off my to-do list without ever having to think about it. And, the feeling of achievement definitely makes it easier to expand beyond your schedule.

When it’s really tough, you can go one step further and list your tasks even if it’s “watch something new on Netflix” and “go to bed at a reasonable time.” Seeing things crossed off the list isn’t just satisfying, it’s also a great way to keep track of the fact that things are getting done as time passes.

Write things down, you’ll be glad you did.

It’s amazing how important a pad and a pen are to me as a comedian. I have always been in the habit of writing half-hour stream-of-consciousness per day. Exploring freely on paper is often the best way to churn out things deep within your psyche that you’d not thought yet, and that can make for great jokes.

The practice has evolved into something that is much more therapeutic. It allows me to express myself as often as I need to, without boring anyone with the same repetitive thoughts, and often allows me to understand the things I’m thinking that are linked to the emotions I’m feeling.

Remember to stay in touch.

It’s easy to assume that we all know how each other is feeling, but sharing it still helps. On that note, go a step further and check in on people, even people who might not expect you to do so. It’s always nice to know someone is thinking of you, and reacquainting yourself with an old friend, or getting to know a new one better, can often be a spark that leads to great positivity.

The medical professionals know their stuff.

Sleep, exercise, drink enough water. It’s all easy to forget and just as easy to neglect. The number of times I find myself in a horrible rut, only to backtrack and realize I’d been eating, drinking, and sleeping poorly, is bigger than I care to admit.

So do the basics and your mind will thank you. Also, if you find yourself having sleep problems, exercise and minimizing your drinking can help. Lastly, talking to a mental health professional can be life-changing, and I highly recommend it.

Know your triggers.

As you get to know where your head is at, you will notice certain things risk setting you off more. Make a note of these triggers and be ready to learn new ways to respond to them.

For me, avoiding macro level news helps. I don’t avoid all conversation of whatever topic I’m bothered by, but I don’t actively seek it out and try to steer the conversation into the bits that affect me and the people I’m talking to personally.

For example, while I don’t run away from conversations about the COVID-19 pandemic, I definitely avoid any long-term speculation. I don’t find it helpful; in fact, I find it overwhelming. Instead, I try to keep any conversation tied to how I am currently doing, with the restrictions in place.

It’s likely to be different for you, but whatever your triggers are, know them, avoid them where possible, and be ready to respond when not.

Keep laughing.

Don’t lose your sense of humor. Laughing about a shared struggle can be incredibly cathartic; it’s why I love comedy and how I got into it. Don’t feel guilty for wanting to laugh and being able to find humor in tough moments.

I’ve always found it helpful to learn from people who’ve traveled the path I’m on before me. And, when it comes with dealing with the uncertainty in a time of crisis, people who have developed coping mechanisms for dealing with anxiety are seasoned travelers.

And while no amount of blog posts from well-read, worldly, and totally modest comedians can ever prevent you from experiencing moments of crisis in your life, learning and implementing the steps above may just help prepare you to deal with them when they come.

July 1, 2020
How to Avoid a Soul-Crushing Life Crisis

“Sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown to have an unbelievable breakthrough.” ~Unknown

I had hit rock bottom.

Now that means different things to different people, so let me explain what my rock bottom meant.

I’ll start with my physical health. I was underweight, about twenty-five pounds. My face looked gaunt and scrawny.

I was hypertensive, even though I was eating a healthy diet. I also had severe eczema. The itching was so bad that I woke up in the middle of the night with my legs covered in blood from the scratching.

The only thing that helped make the eczema less itchy was if my wife covered my whole body with bags of frozen peas.

On top of that, my energy was down the drain. Some weekends I would lie in bed the whole day.

My emotions were all over the place. Most nights I wept myself to sleep. I was anxious, stressed, depressed, and there were a few times that I wanted to end my life.

The only thing that kept me from doing it was the potential pain it would cause my wife and family. I couldn’t put them through it.

I was so ashamed of my state and so afraid of being judged that I completely isolated myself from all relationships. So, I lost connection with all my friends.

My work performance had also gotten so bad that my employer retrenched and took legal action against me. I can’t blame them though.

For most of my life, I had been an overachiever. Most of the time, I got what I wanted. I kept asking myself, how did I let things get so bad?

Here are a few of the lessons I’d like to share in the hope that I can help someone avoid a similar breakdown. When I started applying these lessons, I saw a massive improvement in my life.

1. Let go of control.

I have a confession: I’m a bit of a control nut. What kept me from living a fulfilled life was resisting and wanting to control the present moment, especially when it wasn’t in line with my expectations.

I would do everything in my power to either avoid the situation or change it. I discovered that whatever you resist will persist. So the more I resisted unwanted situations, the more they appeared in my life—because I hadn’t yet learned the lesson.

Eckhart Tolle wrote, “Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.”

It took me a while to learn this way of thinking. To say I’m stubborn is an understatement. But I finally learned the secret of surrendering and going with the flow.

Resistance creates emotional turmoil that zaps you of your energy. You can even see how resistance manifests itself through your body. For example, you might frown, or tighten your chest, stomach, or shoulders. Let it go and let it be.

We humans are too shortsighted to see the long-term benefit of that supposed horrible situation we’re resisting. But trust me, in the long term, it’ll make you a better version of your old self if you embrace it and let yourself learn and grow from the experience.

2. Don’t try to do everything on your own.

Pride can kill you. It almost killed me. Not only am I stubborn, I also used to think I knew better than everyone else. That led me to want to do everything on my own because I didn’t trust anyone.

Now I’m much more trusting and can let go of a few responsibilities. I still keep my finger on the pulse, though. But instead of having too much on my plate, I know rather find someone that has the results I desire and work with them as a mentor, coach, or consultant. And that’s for all areas of my life. It’s much faster, cheaper, and less frustrating.

3. Trust your gut.

If you ignore your gut, you’ll allow people to force their will, beliefs, and opinions onto you. Your gut knows best.

It’s about building your intuition and your ability to listen to your instincts. Sometimes we know what to do, yet we avoid the situation because we’re afraid to do it or scared of the potential outcome.

If you avoid your gut for too long it will stop whispering and start shouting. Because it’s also the universe’s way of communicating with you. Telling you that you are not living life according to your highest values.

It’s cool that we have this built-in tool that can guide us throughout life. And at the same time, it’s heart-breaking that some people don’t know this or refuse to use it. Don’t be one of them.

4. Give up the “if/then” illusion.

“If I’m successful, then I’ll be happy.” I know it sounds cliché, but life is all about the journey. Because there is no destination…

There will always be a new challenge you seek. Think about it, every time you’ve reached a certain milestone you probably asked yourself, “Is this it?” And then you proceeded to chase a new goal, thinking it would give you the fulfillment you desire.

Trust me, that fulfillment never comes. Fulfillment can only be found in the present moment. The trick is to be grateful for your current blessings, however small they might be.

And also, detach from specific outcomes. Remember rule #1? Go with the flow!

Don’t make the mistake I did by saying you’ll be fulfilled when X, Y, or Z happens. The planets are never going to align. The right time is now.

5. Commit to a routine.

Routine and structure keep us sane in the face of chaos and uncertainty. There are so many things we don’t have control over. Especially the situations (sometimes unwanted) that life throws our way.

When we feel overwhelmed, the best way to ground ourselves is through a routine, including a morning routine to start your day right.

That may include exercise, meditation, journaling, visualizing your ideal future, reading a spiritual book, etc. Doing a morning routine is like exercising. You don’t always feel motivated to do it, but you will feel like a new person afterward.

6. Build a strong foundation.

I always used to chase the wrong goals (wealth, success, money) to the detriment of my physical and emotional health and my relationships.

I learned the hard way that no amount of money can buy those three things. If you don’t have them in place, you have nothing.

I see so many “successful” people making this mistake. They reach the top of the mountain without those three things and then they get depressed or even commit suicide.

Trust me, it’s not worth it. Make time for self-care—exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, get outside—and prioritize time with the people you love. Once those three foundational elements are in place, then feel free to chase the more material goals.

7. Stop chasing happiness.

So this one is a bit controversial, but hear me out. There is a universal law that keeps balance in the world. It’s like a pendulum.

If you swing too far to the right, you’ll swing just as far to the left. This happened to me. I was chasing happiness and resisting sadness thinking that I was doing something wrong whenever I felt down.

I learned that if I swing too far to the right (happiness) the universe will bring me back to center by swinging the pendulum to the left (sadness).

Do you want to know what’s at the center of the pendulum and how to remain balanced? It’s love and gratitude—two things you can feel no matter what’s going on in your life.

The universe, in her infinite wisdom, knows this and tries to teach us this. So be sure to do some gratitude journaling whenever you get a chance. Or be grateful for the small things in life whenever they arise. The things we sometimes take for granted.

8. Be authentic.

I always admired my grandmother. Not for her baking and cooking skills, but for how honest she can be. She tells it straight. She’s not trying to be something or someone she’s not. And I’ve seen this pattern in many elderly people.

My best guess is that they have learned that life is too short to be inauthentic and not speak their mind. This is the exact opposite of how I acted.

I tried to be something someone else wanted me to be. Or worse, I agreed with people because I wanted their approval even though my gut disagreed (rule #3!).

Anyway, I’ve learned to be honest even if it’s uncomfortable. I now speak my mind (even if it hurts), and people respect me more for it.

I’m not saying you should go around being mean and insulting people. I’m saying be classy, and be true to yourself. I know it can be hard, but the long-term benefits are worth it.

9. Live life based on your own values.

I’ve learned through my experiences that the purpose of life is to live life on your terms. Whatever that might be. The mistake I made was by living life on someone else’s terms. Living life through other people’s values instead of my own. Only we know what’s best for us.

This allows me to respect other people’s values even if they didn’t align with my own. Even though I think I know what’s best for someone else, I don’t! I have no right to judge them or their situation. Everyone has their own journey. And let me share another secret with you…

Once you know what you want out of life, give it! If you want love, give love. If you want money (value), give value. If you want respect, give respect.

10. Choose consistency over intensity.

I’m very intense, and I’ve always had this ‘go cold turkey’ approach to chasing my goals instead of easing into things.

Now that might work for some people, but those people are in the minority. What’s helped me more is to be moderately consistent.

I’ve learned that when I would go all out, I would tend to burn out.

Take exercise as an example. Let’s say you want to get fit. You’re motivated and you hit the treadmill hard for thirty minutes on day one! The next day you are sore and miserable. That soreness lasts for four to five days.

Now compare that to the guy who exercises moderately and consistently for ten minutes every day of the week. He isn’t sore and stiff and he gets in seventy minutes of exercise in a week, while the intensity guy only gets in thirty minutes of exercise a week.

This principle ties in with a great quote from Tony Robbins: “We overestimate what we can accomplish in one year and underestimate what we can accomplish in a decade.” So be the tortoise that wins the race, not the hare.

—

The biggest takeaway I want to give you is to focus on love. At the end of the day, that’s all there is. Love others, love what you’re doing, and most of all, love yourself. It’s hard to love others fully if we don’t love ourselves first. You can’t give what you don’t have.

That being said, I’d LOVE to learn from you! What valuable life lessons have you learned up until this point in your life?

May 27, 2020
Why Journaling is the Best Thing to Do During a Crisis

EDITOR’S NOTE: You can find a number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related Tiny Buddha articles here.

“The difference between despair and hope is just a different way of telling stories from the same set of facts.” ~Alain de Botton

When I was told that the man I loved had a terminal illness, I instinctively reached for my journal. When I was asked to evacuate my home ahead of a category-5 cyclone three short weeks after his funeral, the first thing I threw into the back of my car was a large box with my journals.

That was nearly a decade ago.

Last month, when I stood in front of the empty shelves at my local supermarket, I was surprised to be instantly back in the grip of the fear and panic I felt during the crisis I had braved almost a decade ago. So I did the most logical thing. I took a deep breath, located the stationary aisle—which thankfully was still fully-stocked—and I bought myself a large new notebook.

The next day, as the world prepared to go into lock-down, I missed the chance to return to my partner and my home in Vietnam.

Depression and anxiety promptly came to visit, threatening to turn my self-isolation into another painful chapter of my life. But I know that I am more resilient than I think I am, and I instantly turned to my number one coping strategy. I opened my new notebook and started writing my Covid-19 journal.

This is a challenging time for all of us, and we are all affected in different ways by this global pandemic. I don’t know how my partner and I will cope with the challenge of having to conduct our relationship across closed borders, via Zoom and Messenger, with no certainty when we might see each other again.

But I know that writing will be there for me, as it has been during every crisis I have been through. Regular journaling has trained me to be my own therapist. Writing things down is an act of self-care. It’s like opening the door to my heart to see what’s in there and allowing myself to sit with all of it.

Writing through the grief of my husband’s death and the aftermath of a natural disaster, I learned that we can cultivate resilience by allowing ourselves to experience our feelings, both good and bad.

As I learned the hard way, writing builds resilience because it allows us to process, release, and make meaning of challenging events and complex emotions.

Writing things down during a crisis is not only helpful as a way of processing and releasing our emotions—it is also a way to document what is happening as it unfolds.

This strange and unprecedented moment in time sometimes feels like the world is collectively writing a new chapter. There is the official narrative, there is an abundance of alternative narratives floating around the internet, and then there are our personal narratives and the ways we as individuals cope with this crisis.

Our memories will fade —though we’ll probably always remember that toilet paper was the first thing that ran out during a pandemic—but by keeping a diary and writing things down as they happen, we create a record of this unique historical moment.

Writing is also a way to enter the creative flow, which is a great antidote to feelings of stress and anxiety. When we become absorbed in the process of writing, we momentarily step out of the chaos and the grief around us and into a safe zone of calm and flow.

For many of us, self-isolation brings loneliness. Writing can be a great companion in times of loneliness. My diary has always been my best friend during difficult times. Writing can also be a safe place to retreat to for those of us who are assailed by a sense of cabin fever as members of a household suddenly have to live in close proximity with each other 24/7.

It’s easy for conflict and irritation to arise in confined living environments. I think of my diary as my sacred space where I can say things I don’t dare to say out loud, where I can vent, rage and reflect and most importantly, where I enter into a dialogue with myself.

Here are some suggestions for starting your own Covid-19 journal:

1. Write about how you feel right now.

Allow yourself to give voice to feelings that you might be holding back for the sake of protecting others or because you feel ashamed.

Write about what feels particularly hard about this crisis. Begin by brainstorming words that describe your emotional state right now. Think of it as making an inventory of the feelings in your heart. You might even find that you feel stronger and calmer than you thought you did.

2. Write about a time when you overcame a crisis.

Remembering a time when you were resilient and got through a difficult emotional turning point will help you to believe in your own strength.

Bring to mind a significant difficult emotional experience. Make sure it’s something in the past that you can safely write about.

Begin to write about the experience in the first person. Bring the experience alive by giving concrete sensory detail, i.e. what smells, sounds and tastes do you remember? Maybe you want to make reference to the weather or the color of the car you drove. Use word pictures to get back in touch with the feelings you had during that time.

3. Write a diary.

Writing a diary about the current pandemic can be as simple as writing about your day. You may write about the things you did and did not do, the people you interacted with, the things you ate, the words you read, the news you watched, the things you did to care for yourself or the ways you allowed the news to affect your anxiety levels…

Write about anything you’d like to capture about this day. This could be a simple brain dump. Or you could focus on the quirky things that happened today. The things that only a month ago, you couldn’t have imagined doing right now – things like having virtual sundowner drinks or virtual cups of tea via Zoom with your best friends.

If you’re writing first thing in the morning, you might write about your dreams, the quality of your sleep, or about the day before.

Be sure to include sensory detail to bring your world alive, i.e. write about the flowers that are in bloom right now, the smells during your daily walk, the noises that you can hear through the thin walls of your apartment etc.

You never know, your Covid-19 diary may become the foundation of a memoir or something to leave behind for the grandkids.

4. Write to practice self-compassion.

In times of crisis, when we experience suffering, fear, or anxiety, it is important to give our hearts shelter. Self-compassion can help us feel less vulnerable and disconnected during this time of self-isolation. It’s also a great way to silence the voice of the inner critic who will be quick to tell you that you are poor at home-schooling or that you are a bad partner.

Think of self-compassion as being like a warm embrace. Or as expert Dr Kristin Neff says, like speaking to yourself with the same care and kindness you would use towards a good friend.

Write for ten to fifteen minutes about what you need from yourself right now to feel less vulnerable, less cranky, less anxious… or whatever you may be feeling right now. Another great way to use writing as a self-compassion practice is to write a letter to yourself from the perspective of a good friend, assuring you that whatever happens you’re loved and cared for.

5. Write a gratitude journal.

Gratitude is a secret superpower that helps to build resilience and happiness. Too often we focus on what we lack—and right now we lack a lot of things that we used to take for granted only a short while ago. Gratitude is a way of looking at what is abundant and good in our lives, despite the current crisis.

Writing a gratitude journal can be as simple as listing five things you are grateful for at the end of every day: your warm bed at night, access to drinking water, having a shelter etc.

Try to be more specific than just saying “I am grateful for my bed.” Tell your diary why you are grateful for having a bed, why you are grateful for the job that sometimes overwhelms you, or the kids that drive you mad during this pandemic.

A good way to get started with a daily writing practice is to do a short meditation to settle your mind and to get into stillness. Then set the timer on your phone for ten to fifteen minutes and simply write without stopping to think or edit, trusting the pen to lead the way.

I’ve kept a journal from the age of eleven, which makes me a seasoned diarist, yet during the current global crisis I am often feeling unfocussed and unmotivated.

I tell myself that that’s okay, it’s part of the process of adapting to our new normal. But I always try to capture my new normal, even if I only write a quick list of things that stood out for me on a given day. It’s a way to stay connected to my inner voice and to write this new chapter one page and one breath at a time.

April 26, 2020
How a Major Crisis Can Sometimes Be a Blessing in Disguise

“Pain can change you, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad change. Take that pain and turn it into wisdom.” ~Unknown

Ten years ago my life changed in a dramatic way. What I experienced in 2004 seemed like a major disaster at first, but it turns out that sometimes what seems like the worst life experience can actually be one of our biggest blessings.

In 2004, I was in graduate school, working toward a PhD in history. When I graduated from college in 2001, I wanted to be a professor. Well, that’s what I thought I wanted, but the truth was I was scared to “grow up” and get a real job, and graduate school seemed like a less scary option.

When I got to grad school in the fall of 2001, I immediately felt like a fish out of water. While in college, I thrived and loved learning about history and doing primary source research. Graduate school was different.

I remember feeling out of place in classes where everyone read books written by other historians and argued about what they thought of the book instead of diving right into research.

In addition, I didn’t click with my advisor; we couldn’t communicate with each other, and that frustrated me. I was also a teaching assistant and realized that most of my students couldn’t care less about studying history. I quickly became disillusioned and unhappy.

When I would talk to my family about how unhappy I was, my parents kept saying, “Well, what do you want to do?” I had no answer to that question. I just knew in my heart that this was not it, but I was too scared to face the unknown.

Fast forward three years to 2004 when I was planning to have elective surgery that summer only to discover through the pre-op blood work that something was majorly wrong with me.

After several weeks of tests and a long hospital stay, I finally had a diagnosis (which turned out to be a misdiagnosis, but that’s another story). I was told that I had Chronic Mylogeous Leukemia (CML). The diagnosis terrified me.

While I was very deeply shaken by this, I attempted to continue with my graduate school program, only to feel more and more dissatisfied with what I was doing.

Then, in September of 2005, my best friend from college passed away suddenly. Her death rocked me to the core and was the final wake-up call that I needed to change my life.

After several months of grief and deep depression, I came to realize that life is way too short to be so incredibly miserable.

Since I didn’t know how long my life would last because of this medical diagnosis, and because I was well aware that twenty-five year olds do just die, it was time to make some major changes. Even though I didn’t know my path forward, I knew to my very core that the one I was on was not for me.

It took a major health crisis and the death of my friend to get me to admit that it was okay to not know what my next step was, but I needed to give up the path that was so clearly not mine.

I got a job because I needed health insurance, and I started to work on healing my body, mind, and spirit. I spent hours each week going to therapy and exploring other healing modalities.

It was through this healing process that I came to realize in a relatively short time what I did want to do. I was sitting in a biofeedback session and I had a moment where I actually saw myself in the practitioner’s chair, doing what she was doing.

The lightning bolt of inspiration hit and I knew my next path was becoming clear.

I went back to school, this time pursuing a master’s in psychology. I knew that what I had gone through was a wake-up call and a very statement of what my purpose in life was.

I knew that I hadn’t gone to hell and back to just work for someone else in a job that didn’t feel deeply meaningful and fulfilling to me.

I knew, to my very core, that I was here to help others along the healing path.

If you had told me in 2005 that I would say that what I went through in those two years was on many levels some of the best things that ever happened to me, I would have looked at you like you had two heads.

But ten years later, I know deep in my heart that without those huge wake-up calls, I might still be pursuing a path that isn’t truly mine because I was too scared to take a big leap.

If you are currently going through a tough time, allow yourself to feel and express your feelings and, as you do so, practice self-compassion.

It is okay to feel sadness, anger, frustration, grief, fear, and a whole host of other emotions. By allowing yourself to feel those feelings and letting them move through you, without being self-critical in the process, you allow the energy to shift instead of getting stuck and bottled up.

Spend some time reflecting on whether there’s some kind of hidden opportunity in what you are experiencing.

For example, if you have been laid off, perhaps you are being given the opportunity to find more meaningful work. Getting sick can be the opportunity to take a break, rest, and to heal yourself on deeper levels. A breakdown can be the chance to heal pain from your past that hasn’t been fully resolved.

Lastly, remember that you are not your tough time. For me, not identifying as a “cancer patient” was crucial because if I identified that way, then my whole life was seen through that filter. Don’t attach to any labels that don’t feel right to you.

Sometimes an experience that seems incredibly horrible can actually have hidden gifts inside it. Just be patient with the path you are on, take it one day at a time, and know that sometime in the future, you will likely gain incredible insight on the gifts of what you are going through.

November 30, 2014
Dealing with a Relationship Crisis: How a Little Distance Can Bring You Closer

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to go forward.” ~C.S. Lewis

When you’re in the middle of any sort of relationship crisis, the very last thing you want to do is let go. Conflict with someone you love often makes you want to do the very opposite, especially when the other person is already doubting the future of the relationship.

When we’re feeling threated by the loss of someone we love, we act from a place of fear. Our stress hormones sky rocket as we react with our fight or flight instinct. Suddenly we hold tighter, talk more, do more, and think of nothing else.

However, with a little space and hindsight, it is easy to see this sort of intensity around a negative situation only works to amplify the anger and resentment that both parties being feel.

When you are mid-crisis and fighting though, it is very hard to see that the very thing you are doing to try and resolve the situation is actually making everything far worse.

When I packed my toddler in the car and drove away from my husband six months ago, I fully believed I would not be returning. I honestly thought that if it had become so bad that we had to separate, that we would not ever reconcile our problems.

To my surprise, it was the act of letting go that allowed us both some space to re-evaluate our relationship, and helped us to finally realize that none of our disagreements were worth losing our family for.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that any of it was easy. It was ugly and dark and messy. It took us both to rock bottom, and to a place we never thought we’d come back from.

But it was this very darkness that forced us to focus on our own thoughts and actions rather than our external conflict with each other. Looking at ourselves was exactly what we needed to start viewing our arguments from each other’s perspective so we could finally move past them.

For me, the process of grieving the loss of what we had in our relationship shone a light on all of the things I had done to contribute to us falling apart.

At first, this was in an angry and disparaging way, but as I realized I had to start looking after myself in order to move forward, I saw the need to own my own part in what had happened, without negative judgment.

Realizing what I had done wrong was empowering. It gave me the opportunity to approach my partner in a new way. And it was clear from his response that he had been doing some very similar soul searching in the time he spent on his own.

When we started to reconnect, we came from a place of understanding and love, rather than resentment and hurt. As you can imagine, this drastically changed our interactions. And rather than spiralling into our past negative cycle, we were able to create new positive experiences to share.

Even now, this mindset is one that requires conscious effort to maintain. It’s too easy to get caught up in the negative annoyances that pop up when you are so close to someone, so we have to work hard to make sure we don’t allow ourselves to get stuck in that cycle again.

Especially when we’ve both hurt each other badly in the past, it would be all too easy to keep dragging that up with each petty argument that arises.

But we’ve both been to that dark place, and the feeling of losing something that we value so much remains a reminder of why we work so hard to maintain what we have. Why it is important to always speak from a place of love, not a place of hurt, annoyance, anger, or, the amplifier of all, exhaustion.

While the drastic step of separation is exactly what helped us reconnect, it didn’t need to go that far.

If only we’d had the awareness to step back from each other and view our relationship from a place of love, rather than fear, we may have been able to save ourselves the incredibly painful experience of letting go.

Instead of grasping, fighting, and reacting (all fear based responses) and focusing on our own pain, we might have been able to use love to see and understand the hurt that the other person was feeling.

Rather than continuing on our negative spiral of conflict, focusing only the wrongs that had been done to us, we needed to step back and be honest with ourselves about our own roles in the relationship conflict.

We both needed to realize that our own behavior is the only thing we can control, and it was our own actions that needed to change to move us to a better place.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing, isn’t it?

So, if you have been fighting and reacting from a place of fear in your relationship, try stepping back and giving yourself some space to look at the real issues.

Give yourself the distance you need to view the conflict from a place of love and give yourselves the chance to find your way back to each other, without having to let go.

Divided couple image via Shutterstock

August 18, 2014
Identity Crisis: When You Aren’t Sure Who You Are or How You Fit In

“Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

In another life, not too long ago, I was an actress.

I fell into acting when a catalogue showed up on my doorstep for UCLA Extension summer classes, and in my boredom I started flipping through it to see what was on offer. For whatever reason (synchronicity? my intuition?), the Acting 101 class jumped out at me, and something in me said yes.

At the time, I was living in West Los Angeles, only a few years out of college after graduating from Pepperdine with a degree in business; working in the travel industry; and quite frankly, not entirely sure how I really wanted to spend my life.

My identity as college grad with a business degree didn’t mesh well with this newly emerging identity as an actress, but that little “yes” that signed me up for the class quickly became a louder “yes” as I fell in love with acting.

Even though I was a performer at heart (dance was my medium of choice for thirteen years in my youth), acting was only something I did occasionally in a school play here and there. But this, Acting 101, this was something new.

This was my chance to become not just one aspect but all aspects of who I imagined myself to be, as I brought words to life, I embodied amazing roles, I hobnobbed with the stars…okay, that last bit might be stretching the truth. (As an “indie film” actress, most of my hobnobbing was with other talent from the independent film and local theatre scene.)

But no matter who I was hobnobbing with, I always found myself comparing and falling short—reaching for my new identity as a “successful actress.”

Not pretty enough.

Not skinny enough.

Not put together enough.

I remember thinking “if only” time and again; if only I were (fill in the blank), people would accept me, understand me, love me.

Life is hard when you don’t know who you are.

Or so I thought—until I met and fell in love with an actor who was actually doing those things I wanted to do, and yet still had many moments feeling as lost and disconnected as I did.

I began to awaken to the possibility that no one is immune to this identity crisis; even those who seem to have everything together question who they are and why they’re here.

This identity crisis, fueled with my desire to help others in a more direct way, set me off on my current journey as a healer and coach. I was seeking to understand who we are at a deeper level rather than try to simply “fit in.”

Yet even as a coach, I found myself holding tight to the role I played as my identity. I wanted to be like other coaches—successful coaches—and I wanted to look and feel the way they did, fit into the mold that was shaped for my occupation.

But the harder I tried, the more I realized that I didn’t fit in. Not because I was doing anything wrong but because the truth is, “fitting in” is an illusion.

We are more than just our personalities, our likes, and dislikes.

We’re more than our gifts, talents, and skills.

We’re more than what we do, and we’re most certainly more than our bank accounts (or lack thereof).

In truth, I believe our real identity actually brings us closer together rather than further apart, and it’s less about “fitting in” and more about truly connecting with one another.

I began to shift the story from lonely outsider to a small but very important part of the whole.

This changed not only how I felt, but also how I showed up in the world.

If we listen to our ego, we only see the differences between us and other people, but if we listen to our intuition, we see the overlaps, similarities, and connections.

I began to ask the deeper questions—not who am I, but who are we? And more importantly, what are we, collectively, here for?

The answer that came through for me was so simple, yet so profound.

Love.

We seek love because we are love. That is our identity.

When we remember how alike we are at the core, it makes figuring out who we are on the surface simply a secondary gain.

You may be questioning who you are, why you’re here, and what your real identity is; after all, we all do.

Who you are is always evolving, so rather than get stuck turning inward to figure it out, I challenge you to shift your focus.

Just for today, try this:

Every time you connect with another person, whether it’s a stranger, colleague, loved one, or even someone who rubs you the wrong way (actually, especially if it’s someone who rubs you the wrong way), ask yourself this question:

How are we alike?

Maybe it’s as simple as the fact that you both read the same books. Or have the same views on an area of life. Or perhaps you both just love the color purple.

Or maybe you can feel deeper into it and sense that they are seeking, like you, even if they seem to have it all figured it out. Or that they want to be seen the way you do, even if they are going about it a different way. Or that they could use a kind word or gesture, even if they didn’t reach out and ask for it.

In that split second, think to yourself “I get you, because you’re like me.”

This thought, consciously chosen in that moment of connection, can powerfully change your perception of “who you are” in this world and ultimately transform your identity crisis to an identity awakening.

January 28, 2014
Love, Light, and Other Lessons That Crisis Reveals to Us

“Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant.” ~Paul Coelho

There have been more shocking and devastating world events in recent memory than I can keep up with. Hurricane Sandy. Sandy Hook Shooting. Shooting at Portland Mall. Australian wildfires. Club Fire in Brazil. Hurricane Nemo. Earthquake in China. Bangladesh Factory Collapse. Boston Bombing. Texas Plant Explosion. Floods in Midwest. Tornadoes in Oklahoma.

So much loss. Devastation. Pain. Piled one on top of the other with little time to regain our footing in between.

I can hear that fearful place inside me questioning, “Is this how it’s going to happen? Is this the beginning of the end? Is nature finally gonna take us out for what we’ve done, or are we just gonna take each other out?”

And I fall into that spiral of anger, frustration, and endless questioning, feeling my energy getting dragged down and down.

I want to crawl into my hermit-y, safe shell and hide, and resolve in the fact that people are screwed up, and nature is ultimately in control, and there’s nothing I can do about it except wallow and whine about how no one’s doing anything about it.

And I can hear that fearful place inside me wondering, “Why? Why there? Why those people? Why kids? What’s going to happen? Should I be scared? Prepared? Worrying? Ramshackling together a bunker in my garage? What am I supposed to do?”

So I do all I can do. Clutching my loved ones a little tighter to my chest, I keep going.

My fear usually continues until the day after comes. Until we know it’s over. And then the fear and anxiety releases in a flood of relief as love comes in to fill its place.

On the day after, there is hope. Incredible tales of resilience, courage, and survival. Amazing stories of heroism, selflessness, and grace.

Suddenly, we feel spared, lucky. Yes, look at all we’ve lost, but look at all there is left to be grateful for.

Suddenly, we are reminded that life is only about the people around us and that it’s all, and always, about love.

Neighbors, strangers, communities coming together. Nations rapt in attention, holding their breath. In those moments, we experience our oneness. In those moments, we shift from a modality of competition into one of cooperation. In those moments, we can actually feel the truth that we’re all in this together. It’s palpable.

Could that be why these horrific events keep happening? Their rate seeming to steadily increase since 2013 dawned and we were ushered into a new era.

It seems we need a collective shift in consciousness; our entire energy needs to be raised.

And unfortunately, it often takes shock to knock us out of our hypnotic day-to-day enough that we wake up, rise up, and come together. It takes a shock for us to start questioning why we’re here and what it’s all about.

It feels like the something greater out there has two gigantic defibrillator paddles on the Earth’s heart and is trying to shock us back to life. Clear. Hurricane! Shooting! Tornado! Bombing! Come on. Wake up. Come back to us.

And in those moments when we do wake up and act out of courage, act out of conviction, act out of love, we feel it: lucky just to be alive. Grateful for this moment, this one, right here. We can’t believe how blessed we must be to be alive right now, having this experience.

We feel connected. On purpose. Like we’re here for a reason. Like it all matters. And that’s how we’re meant to feel everyday. Not just through trauma and pain, but in our good ole, average ordinary.

Miracles are not extraordinary events; they are happening all around us, all the time. It just often takes extraordinary events for us to see them and realize they’ve been here all the while.

I think that if we can take one message from the sadness that’s surrounded our world lately, one possible why, is that only by witnessing the dark can we know what the light is.

That light exists within all of us, and once we know where the switch is, we can turn it on every single day—not just in our darkest moments.

It is wholly within our power and responsibility to feel lucky, and grateful, and amazed just to be alive. Just to be a part of it all.

It’s wholly within our power and responsibility to shine our individual lights as brightly as possible so that when we come together, the darkness will have no fighting chance. We’ll obliterate it.

From my perspective, our response to all these inner-light-switching events as of late just confirm to me, more now than ever, that our future looks positively bright.

Photo by Hartwig HKD

June 25, 2013
Let Go and Experience Life: 8 Ways to Stop Living in Crisis Mode

“I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Han

My dad had been ill, in and out of the hospital for a couple of weeks, when my mother called with news that he had been airlifted from their local hospital to a larger regional medical center. My dad suffered from Crohn’s Disease for nearly fifty years at that point and was experiencing severe abdominal pain believed to be from a perforation of his bowel.

We would learn over the next few hours that even surgery to remove a malignant tumor was not guaranteed to save his life.

Throughout the long night, my mom and brother, along with my partner and I, shared a grim, poorly lit room reserved for families of emergency surgery patients.

Throughout the trauma of that first night and the days that followed, I made it my mission to normalize, plan, and cope. I called relatives and kept those closest to my dad up to date. I paid for hotel rooms for my mom and brother, neither of whom could afford to stay overnight near the hospital.

I became a caregiving overachiever, connecting personally with the nursing staff but careful to not be too pushy.

My visits coincided with physician rounds where I asked questions and kept detailed notes. Once back at work as a librarian, I used online medical databases to get all the journal articles I could find about my dad’s condition.

I built a fortress of information for reassurance. For the next eighteen months, I accompanied my parents to specialist appointments and tried in every way possible to make life normal. I paid their bills when they could not and funded the expensive health insurance my father now required due to his condition.

Desperate problem solving became normal, necessary, and my job. What I didn’t realize, though, was the permanent adjustment I was making to a “high alert” status.

In this fear-based mode of living, I was on constant lookout for any sign of danger so I could switch into containment mode, minimizing discomfort as fast as possible.

When my father‘s cancer recurred after a period of relatively good health, we were all devastated. He died nine months after the recurrence, withdrawn and sad, while receiving hospice care at home. I felt like I had failed to keep everyone safe.

As I grieved in the months and years that followed, I transferred the high alert skills to my job as a project manager, priding myself on my ability to see risks well ahead of others. I thought this protected me from uncertainty and, consequently, fear and anxiety.

In fact, it ratcheted my alert status up to an even higher level—one that ultimately proved unsustainable. After nearly a year of leading a highly visible and high stakes project, I found myself sitting on the couch one morning, paralyzed by a combination of fear, sadness, and rage.

I was unable to get ready for work. My big project had stalled, I was terrified of displeasing my boss, and I was angry that I couldn’t see my way clear of these problems. There was no bright line to the future.

I learned that these crisis moments offer opportunities to practice letting others help us and learn new ways of living. Here are 8 strategies that have helped me:

1. Find a neutral advocate.

Objective outside support is crucial during a crisis period. Friends and family can often recommend a life coach, therapist, or spiritual advisor with whom they have worked. If you are reluctant to talk with friends, you can use social networking tools like LinkedIn to see if someone in your network is connected to an individual who can help.

2. Practice mindfulness.

There’s value in focusing on our breath to quiet the turmoil in our minds. Look for a meditation or spiritual center that offers a basic class in meditation, mindfulness, or prayer. Even ten minutes each day in quiet reflection will improve your focus, resiliency, and peace of mind.

3. Replenish yourself.

You might be depleted from years of constant vigilance and striving. Commit to leave at the end of your workday, at least a few days a week, even if everything isn’t done. Reconnect with parts of yourself that you haven’t seen for a while by watching a favorite movie or surrounding yourself with your favorite color.

4. Try another perspective.

Most people are doing their best but are primarily caught up in the storyline of their own lives. Even thirty seconds of viewing a situation from another’s point of view can diffuse your negative inner dialogue about a person or situation.

5. Know your limits.

When you are feeling pressured or negative, check to see if you are tired, hungry, or otherwise not feeling well. Avoid pushing through these feelings and stop your activity. Return to your situation later when you are feeling more refreshed.

6. Make something.

Many of us lose touch with our creative self as work and family commitments take more of our energy. Working with our hands can effectively pull us out of a mental rut and create pride in our own abilities. Handcrafts like sewing, knitting, embroidery, as well as woodworking, cooking, pottery making, and home improvement projects are all satisfying ways to feel purposeful.

7. Look for like-minded folks.

Connect with new friends and old acquaintances that are calm, self-aware, and in touch with their own unique humanity. Finding others to share interests and a good laugh provides a balance to the more stressful aspects of life.

8. Reconnect with your love.

Create opportunities to deepen your conversations beyond the rushed and sometimes business-like communication of daily life. Increasing conversational intimacy will strengthen intimacy throughout your relationship.

After a long day, when you’re tired and have slipped back into old patterns and reactions, remember that these techniques are like muscles that get stronger each time you use them.

Photo by Sagisen

April 25, 2013